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True lies

A bored housewife discovers her husband is a secret agent, leading them on a dangerous adventure to stop a nuclear terrorist plot.

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Overview

Unique Selling Point

This script offers a unique blend of action, suspense, and humor, with a focus on the personal and emotional stakes of its characters. Set in the world of espionage, it stands out with its innovative storytelling techniques, such as underwater infiltration, high-tech gadgets, and formal event infiltration. The story features a resourceful and skilled protagonist, Harry Tasker, who must balance his dangerous spy life with his family responsibilities, adding depth and complexity to the familiar spy narrative. The script also explores themes of trust, betrayal, and the impact of deception on personal relationships, all presented in a sharp and witty dialogue that enhances the story's authenticity and relatability. Overall, this script is a compelling and original take on the spy genre, offering a thrilling ride filled with suspense, humor, and heart.

AI Verdict & Suggestions

Ratings are subjective. So you get different engines’ ratings to compare.

Gemini
Consider

Claude
Recommend

See Details in P/C/R/HR Section

Story Facts

Genres: Thriller, Action, Drama, Comedy, Spy, Family, Mystery, Romance

Setting: Contemporary, Switzerland, Washington D.C., and various other locations in the United States and Caribbean

Themes: Deception, Betrayal, Espionage and Action

Conflict & Stakes: The primary conflict in this story is between Harry and the terrorists, led by Malik, who are planning a major attack. The stakes are high, as the terrorists have acquired nuclear weapons and are threatening to use them. Harry's personal life is also at stake, as his wife discovers his secret life and becomes involved in the danger. The conflict is resolved when Harry and his team are able to stop the terrorists and prevent the attack.

Mood: Suspenseful and action-packed, with moments of humor and romance

Standout Features:

Unique Hook: The movie's blend of action, adventure, and humor, as well as its exploration of complex themes, sets it apart from other movies in the genre.
Plot Twist: The revelation of Harry's secret life and Helen's involvement in the danger adds a layer of complexity and suspense to the story.
Distinctive Setting: The movie's diverse locations, from the Swiss Alps to the Caribbean, add visual interest and variety to the story.

Comparable Scripts: Mission: Impossible - Fallout, Die Hard, The Bourne Identity, The Fugitive, Salt, The Man from U.N.C.L.E., The Saint, The Spy Who Came in from the Cold, The Avengers, The A-Team

Script Level Analysis

This section delivers a top-level assessment of the screenplay’s strengths and weaknesses — covering overall quality (P/C/R/HR), character development, emotional impact, thematic depth, narrative inconsistencies, and the story’s core philosophical conflict. It helps identify what’s resonating, what needs refinement, and how the script aligns with professional standards.

Screenplay Insights

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Story Critique

Big-picture feedback on the story’s clarity, stakes, cohesion, and engagement.

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Characters

Explores the depth, clarity, and arc of the main and supporting characters.

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Emotional Analysis

Breaks down the emotional journey of the audience across the script.

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Goals and Philosophical Conflict

Evaluates character motivations, obstacles, and sources of tension throughout the plot.

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Themes

Analysis of the themes of the screenplay and how well they’re expressed.

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Logic & Inconsistencies

Highlights any contradictions, plot holes, or logic gaps that may confuse viewers.

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Scene Analysis

All of your scenes analyzed individually and compared, so you can zero in on what to improve.

Scene-Level Percentile Chart

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The screenplay demonstrates a strong concept and emotional impact, but could benefit from improvements in character development, dialogue, and plot to create a more engaging and cohesive narrative.

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Key Strengths

The screenplay has a strong concept (84.96th percentile) which is compelling and likely forms the foundation of an engaging story.
The emotional impact (77th percentile) is another notable strength, suggesting that the story is able to elicit strong emotional responses from its audience.
The screenplay also demonstrates high scores in stakes (85.06th percentile), story forward (88.82th percentile), and character changes (80.26th percentile), indicating a well-structured narrative with characters that undergo significant development.

Areas for Improvement

The plot (58.85th percentile) could benefit from further development to create a more engaging and cohesive narrative.
The characters (26.99th percentile) and dialogue (37.17th percentile) scores are relatively low, suggesting that the writer could focus on creating more well-rounded characters and improving the dialogue to enhance the overall story.
The formatting (0th percentile) score is currently very low, so the writer should ensure that the screenplay adheres to standard formatting guidelines.

Writer Style

Based on the provided percentiles, the writer appears to be more conceptual, with a focus on strong concepts and story structure. However, there is room for improvement in character development and dialogue.

Balancing Elements

To balance the various elements of the screenplay, the writer could focus on fleshing out the characters and their relationships, while also refining the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging.
Additionally, working on the plot and ensuring a stronger connection between the story's events could help create a more cohesive and engaging narrative.

Intuition Level

The writer's intuition level appears to be conceptual, with a focus on strong concepts and story structure, but there is potential for growth in the areas of character development and dialogue.

Overall Assessment

The screenplay has a strong foundation with a compelling concept and emotional impact. However, there is room for improvement in character development, dialogue, and plot. Addressing these areas will help refine the story and create a more engaging and balanced narrative.

How this was done: Each criteria is ranked in comparison to scripts in our Vault (such as The Matrix, Breaking Bad, etc.) This allows you to see where you stand compared to other produced scripts for each criteria.

How scenes compare to the Scripts in our Library

Note: The ratings are the averages of all the scenes.

Title	Grade	Percentile	Before	After
Scene Pacing	8.71	95	Sherlock Holmes: 8.70	True lies: 8.71
Script Visual Impact	8.40	91	Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon: 8.30	Everything Everywhere All at Once: 8.40
Scene High Stakes	8.7	89	Dune Part Two: 8.6	Black panther: 8.7
Scene Conflict Level	8.5	88	Sherlock Holmes: 8.4	Rambo: 8.5
Overall Script	8.40	84	The Pianist: 8.39	Mr. Smith goes to Washington: 8.40
Scene Engagement	9.00	81	The Addams Family: 8.99	fight Club: 9.00
Scene External Goal	7.57	80	the 5th element: 7.56	LA confidential - draft: 7.57
Script Originality	8.40	80	Ghostbusters: 8.30	Casablanca: 8.40
Script Emotional Impact	8.10	77	Ex-Machina: 8.00	the black list (TV): 8.10
Script Conflict	8.00	77	The shining: 7.90	the black list (TV): 8.00
Scene Story Forward	8.5	76	Deadpool & wolverine : 8.4	Casablanca: 8.5
Scene Unpredictability	7.67	72	Jojo rabbit: 7.66	Birdman: 7.67
Scene Plot	8.2	67	American Fiction: 8.1	Casablanca: 8.2
Scene Overall	8.5	63	The father: 8.4	Casablanca: 8.5
Scene Concept	8.2	56	Coda: 8.1	face/off: 8.2
Script Theme	8.30	56	A Complete Unknown: 8.20	the dark knight rises: 8.30
Scene Character Changes	7.1	53	Triangle of sadness: 7.0	Knives Out: 7.1
Scene Originality	8.74	53	A Complete Unknown: 8.72	True lies: 8.74
Scene Emotional Impact	7.9	52	Triangle of sadness: 7.8	fight Club: 7.9
Script Premise	7.90	39	Zootopia: 7.80	fight Club: 7.90
Script Structure	8.10	37	Fleabag: 8.09	glass Onion Knives Out : 8.10
Script Characters	7.80	30	American Fiction: 7.70	Easy A: 7.80
Scene Dialogue	7.5	26	The Umbrella Academy: 7.4	Titanic: 7.5
Scene Internal Goal	8.00	20	KILLING ZOE: 7.98	fight Club: 8.00
Scene Characters	8.0	18	Narcos Pilot: 7.9	Knives Out: 8.0
Scene Formatting	7.98	8	fight Club: 7.96	Pawn sacrifice: 7.98

Other Analyses

This section looks at the extra spark — your story’s voice, style, world, and the moments that really stick. These insights might not change the bones of the script, but they can make it more original, more immersive, and way more memorable. It’s where things get fun, weird, and wonderfully you.

Unique Voice

Assesses the distinctiveness and personality of the writer's voice.

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Writer's Craft

Analyzes the writing to help the writer be aware of their skill and improve.

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Memorable Lines

Spotlights standout dialogue lines with emotional or thematic power.

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Tropes

Highlights common or genre-specific tropes found in the script.

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World Building

Evaluates the depth, consistency, and immersion of the story's world.

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Correlations

Identifies patterns in scene scores.

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Loglines

Presents logline variations based on theme, genre, and hook.

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Unique Voice

Assesses the distinctiveness and personality of the writer's voice.

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Writer's Craft

Analyzes the writing to help the writer be aware of their skill and improve.

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Memorable Lines

Spotlights standout dialogue lines with emotional or thematic power.

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Tropes

Highlights common or genre-specific tropes found in the script.

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World Building

Evaluates the depth, consistency, and immersion of the story's world.

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Correlations

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Loglines

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Engine: Gemini

Screenplay Rating:

Consider

Executive Summary

True Lies is an action-comedy screenplay with a strong premise and well-developed lead characters. The action sequences are thrilling, the dialogue is witty, and the blend of genres keeps the audience engaged. However, the screenplay could benefit from more nuanced portrayals of female characters, more complex villains, and a deeper exploration of the emotional consequences of Harry's double life. Overall, the screenplay has the potential to be a successful film with some revisions.

Strengths

The screenplay excels in creating a blend of action, comedy, and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and entertained throughout. high
Harry Tasker's character is well-developed, showcasing his competence as a spy while revealing his vulnerabilities as a husband and father. high
The action sequences are well-choreographed and thrilling, demonstrating Harry's skills and resourcefulness. high ( Scene 1 Scene 26 Scene 322 )
The dialogue is witty and engaging, especially the banter between Harry and Gib. medium
Helen's character arc is compelling, as she transforms from an unappreciated housewife to a woman who discovers her own strength and desires. medium ( Scene 118 Scene 200 Scene 209 )

Areas of Improvement

The portrayal of female characters, particularly Juno, relies on stereotypes and could be more nuanced. high
The motivations of the Crimson Jihad terrorists are underdeveloped, making them appear more like caricatures than complex villains. medium ( Scene 50 Scene 111 )
The pacing in the middle of the screenplay slows down, particularly during the scenes focusing on Harry's domestic life. medium ( Scene 100 Scene 119 )
The use of humor in some scenes, especially during tense situations, can undercut the seriousness of the threat. low ( Scene 35 Scene 245 )

MissingElements

The screenplay could benefit from exploring the emotional consequences of Harry's double life on his family in more depth. medium
The internal workings of Omega Sector and the larger context of the spy world could be further developed. low

NotablePoints

The hotel scene where Harry poses as a client to test Helen is a unique and memorable sequence that showcases both humor and tension. high ( Scene 232 Scene 233 )
The use of technology, such as the virtual video display and the sub-vocal transceiver, adds a futuristic and exciting element to the story. medium

Engine: Claude

Screenplay Rating:

Recommend

Executive Summary

True Lies is a well-crafted, high-stakes spy thriller that effectively blends action, suspense, and emotional character drama. The screenplay features a compelling protagonist in Harry Tasker, a skilled secret agent whose double life as a government spy is upended when his wife Helen is drawn into a dangerous terrorist plot. The action sequences are expertly executed, showcasing Harry's resourcefulness and combat prowess, while the character-driven moments explore the personal toll of his deception on his family. Overall, the screenplay is a highly recommended piece of storytelling that balances crowd-pleasing thrills with deeper themes of trust, loyalty, and the complexities of modern relationships.

Strengths

The opening sequence effectively sets up the high-stakes spy thriller premise of the story, introducing the protagonist Harry Tasker as a skilled secret agent on a covert mission. The atmospheric, cinematic visuals and tension-building pacing draw the audience in and establish the world of the story. high ( Scene 1 (1) Scene 1 (2) Scene 1 (3) Scene 1 (4) )
The extended action sequence in the mall restroom, where Harry efficiently takes down two terrorist assailants, showcases his impressive skills and resourcefulness as a spy. The choreography and pacing of this scene are particularly well-executed. high ( Scene 23 (80) Scene 23 (81) Scene 23 (82) )
The tense and emotionally-charged interrogation scene between Harry, Gib, and Helen effectively explores the complexity of Harry's double life and the strain it has placed on his marriage. The revelation of Helen's affair and the underlying vulnerabilities of the characters are compellingly portrayed. high ( Scene 19 (65) Scene 19 (66) Scene 19 (67) Scene 19 (68) )
The sequence on the high-rise rooftop, where Harry rescues his daughter Dana from the terrorist Malik, is an exceptionally well-crafted and suspenseful action set piece. The integration of the Harrier jet, the crane, and the high-stakes confrontation creates a thrilling and visually striking climax to the story. high ( Scene 41 (305) Scene 41 (306) Scene 41 (307) Scene 41 (308) Scene 41 (309) )

Areas of Improvement

The scenes involving Harry's interactions with the character Simon could be tightened and better integrated into the overall narrative. While these scenes provide some character development and backstory, they feel somewhat distracting and tangential to the main plot. medium ( Scene 22 (163) Scene 22 (164) )
The extended sequence of Harry evading security at the party and making his way through the chateau could be streamlined and tightened to maintain a more consistent pace. While the individual scenes are well-executed, the overall sequence feels slightly drawn out and could benefit from some judicious editing. medium ( Scene 15 (20) Scene 15 (21) Scene 15 (22) Scene 15 (23) Scene 15 (24) )

MissingElements

While the opening sequence effectively establishes the high-stakes spy thriller premise, there could be more explicit character development and backstory for Harry Tasker, the protagonist, to better ground the audience in his motivations and internal world. medium ( Scene 1 (1) Scene 1 (2) Scene 1 (3) Scene 1 (4) )
The emotional fallout and aftermath of the revelation of Harry's double life could be explored in more depth, particularly in regards to his relationship with his daughter Dana. The screenplay could benefit from more scenes that delve into the personal impact of Harry's actions on his family. medium ( Scene 19 (65) Scene 19 (66) Scene 19 (67) Scene 19 (68) )

NotablePoints

The sequence where Harry confronts his daughter Dana about her truancy and reconnects with her is a poignant and well-executed character moment that showcases the emotional depth of the father-daughter relationship. The scene effectively balances the action-thriller elements with more intimate, character-driven storytelling. high ( Scene 29 (218) Scene 29 (219) Scene 29 (220) Scene 29 (221) )
The sequence of Harry chasing the terrorist Malik through the hotel is an exhilarating and well-choreographed action set piece, featuring inventive uses of the environment and seamless transitions between different locations. The integration of the scenic elevator as a unique setting adds to the excitement and visual flair of the sequence. high ( Scene 24 (93) Scene 24 (94) Scene 24 (95) Scene 24 (96) )
The sequence where Helen is abducted by the terrorists and discovers Harry's true identity as a spy is a pivotal moment that effectively escalates the stakes and raises the emotional tension. The transitions between the different locations and the revelation of Harry's secret profession create a compelling narrative thrust. high ( Scene 30 (234) Scene 30 (235) Scene 30 (236) )

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Screenplay Insights:

Overall Grade: 8.40

Characters: 7.8, The screenplay effectively employs character development to drive the narrative and engage the audience. The characters are complex, relatable, and undergo significant transformations throughout the story. The interplay between characters and the exploration of their relationships add depth to the screenplay. To further enhance character engagement, consider refining character motivations and exploring their vulnerabilities to create even more compelling and emotionally resonant arcs. See More

Premise: 7.9, The screenplay's premise has a solid foundation, introducing a captivating scenario of a secret agent navigating the complexities of family life and high-stakes missions. The premise effectively sets up the potential for an engaging and thrilling narrative, yet there are areas where refinement could enhance its overall intrigue. See More

Structure: , See More

Theme: 8.3, This screenplay effectively conveys its central themes of the struggle between duty and family, the consequences of deception on personal and professional relationships, and the ambiguity of morality in the world of espionage. The screenwriter skillfully weaves these themes into the narrative, creating a compelling and emotionally resonant story. See More

Visual Impact: 8.4, The screenplay exhibits strong visual storytelling techniques by leveraging vivid descriptions, employing creative visual elements, and maintaining overall consistency in its imagery. The nuanced portrayal of characters and their motivations through visual details adds depth to the narrative, engaging the reader's imagination. See More

Emotional Impact: 8.1, The screenplay showcases strong potential in terms of emotional depth, offering moments of vulnerability, character growth, and exploration of complex relationships. However, it could benefit from enhancing the emotional variety, including more nuanced and contrasting emotions, to create a more captivating and impactful emotional journey for the audience. See More

Conflict: 8.0, The screenplay presents a compelling central conflict and significant stakes that drive the narrative and engage the audience. However, it has areas where the conflict can be further refined and stakes elevated to enhance its impact. See More

Originality: 8.4, This screenplay presents a creative blend of action, suspense, and intricate character dynamics. The originality and creative approaches employed in its storytelling techniques, character arc developments, and examination of complex themes make this screenplay stand out. See More

Summary In the snow-covered Alps, secret agent Harry Tasker infiltrates a fortress-like chateau during a nighttime party for a middle-eastern dignitary, successfully entering undetected to continue his mission. He then makes his way to the host's office to transmit data to his team, facing no challenges as he accesses and decodes the encrypted files. In a high-octane action scene, Harry fights guards and escapes on skis, avoiding capture with the help of his team. The stakes are raised as Harry confronts potential terrorist threats and faces personal drama at home, including his daughter's rebellious behavior and his wife Helen's mysterious actions. Tensions rise as Harry's cover is blown, and he discovers Helen's affair with his best friend, leading to a series of shocking revelations. Meanwhile, a dangerous mission unfolds involving nuclear warheads, as Harry's family becomes targets of terrorists, culminating in a thrilling rescue mission where Harry saves his daughter Dana from being held hostage. The story ends on a hopeful note as the Tasker family reunites for a happy dinner, showcasing a strong bond and a bright future ahead.

Screenplay Story Analysis

Story Critique The screenplay presents a thrilling and engaging spy adventure that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The plot is well-paced, with a good balance of action, suspense, and character development. The central premise of a secret agent balancing his personal and professional life is relatable and adds depth to the story. The introduction of a terrorist threat and the subsequent investigation add urgency and stakes to the narrative. The middle part of the screenplay maintains the momentum, with clever twists and turns that keep the audience guessing. The action sequences are well-choreographed and thrilling, showcasing the protagonist's skills and resourcefulness. However, the ending of the screenplay feels somewhat rushed and anticlimactic, with the resolution of the central conflict lacking the emotional weight and impact of the earlier parts of the story. The sudden shift in tone and the introduction of a new villain undermine the buildup and tension established throughout the screenplay.

Suggestions: To improve the screenplay, consider expanding the ending to give more weight to the resolution of the central conflict. Provide a clearer sense of closure for the characters and their arcs, allowing the audience to feel a sense of satisfaction and emotional connection. Additionally, explore the motivations and backstory of the new villain in more depth to create a more compelling and formidable adversary. By refining the ending and strengthening the villain's presence, the screenplay can deliver a more impactful and emotionally resonant conclusion.

Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here

Beginning The screenplay starts off strong, with an intriguing premise and a compelling introduction to the protagonist, Harry Tasker. The initial action sequence at the chateau is well-executed and sets the tone for the rest of the story. The introduction of the supporting characters, Gib and Faisil, adds depth to the team and their dynamics. The subsequent investigation into the terrorist threat is handled effectively, building tension and suspense as the stakes rise.

Suggestions: To enhance the beginning of the screenplay, consider adding more details about Harry's personal life and his relationship with his family. This will help establish a stronger emotional connection with the audience and make his struggle to balance his work and personal life more relatable. Additionally, explore the dynamics between Harry, Gib, and Faisil further, highlighting their individual strengths and weaknesses. By enriching the character development and relationships in the beginning, the screenplay can create a more engaging and immersive experience for the audience.

Middle The middle part of the screenplay maintains the momentum, with a series of thrilling action sequences and clever plot twists. The introduction of Juno Skinner as a potential love interest for Harry adds an intriguing layer to the story. The investigation into the smuggled nuclear warheads intensifies, leading to tense confrontations and high-stakes situations. Harry's personal life and his relationship with his family are also explored further, adding depth to his character.

Suggestions: To strengthen the middle part of the screenplay, consider expanding the subplot involving Juno Skinner. Develop her character further, exploring her motivations and desires, and make her a more active participant in the story. Additionally, add more obstacles and challenges to Harry's investigation, creating a greater sense of urgency and suspense. By enhancing these elements, the screenplay can maintain a high level of engagement and keep the audience invested in the narrative.

Ending The ending of the screenplay feels somewhat rushed and anticlimactic. The resolution of the central conflict lacks the emotional weight and impact of the earlier parts of the story. The sudden shift in tone and the introduction of a new villain undermine the buildup and tension established throughout the screenplay.

Suggestions: To improve the ending of the screenplay, consider expanding the resolution of the central conflict. Provide a clearer sense of closure for the characters and their arcs, allowing the audience to feel a sense of satisfaction and emotional connection. Additionally, explore the motivations and backstory of the new villain in more depth to create a more compelling and formidable adversary. By refining the ending and strengthening the villain's presence, the screenplay can deliver a more impactful and emotionally resonant conclusion.

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Harry - Score: 81/100

Role

Protagonist

Personality

MBTI: ENTJ
Enneagram: 3

Scenes

Strongest: #22
Weakest: #40

Character Analysis Overview

Foundational Definition 8/10

Secret agent and devoted family man

Complexity And Depth 7/10

Wounded by secrecy and fear of loss

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis 8/10

Harry's journey involves a gradual realization of the need for honesty and connection.

Dialogue And Voice 8/10

Harry exhibits a rugged, confident tone that reflects his spy background.

Behavior And Choices 7/10

Harry's decisions often prioritize duty over family, leading to significant consequences.

Relationship Dynamics 9/10

Harry's relationships are central to his conflict, especially with Helen and Gib.

Scene Impact 8/10

Harry's presence in scenes creates tension and drives the plot forward.

Role Fulfillment 9/10

Harry effectively fulfills the archetype of the reluctant hero.

Thematic Plot Integration 8/10

Harry’s story intertwines personal and societal themes of trust and sacrifice.

Emotional Resonance 9/10

Emotional dynamics heighten audience connection

Foundational Definition

Score: 8

Harry Tasker is a seasoned secret agent who leads a double life as a family man. His experience in espionage shapes his worldviews, giving him a sense of confidence and capability that often borders on arrogance. He values loyalty, bravery, and the security of his family above all else. His background as an intelligence operative informs his strategic thinking and combat skills, but it also creates a significant divide between his professional and personal lives.

Values And Beliefs: Family security, bravery, loyalty

Strengths And Skills: Exceptional combat skills, strategic thinker, experienced spy

Suggestions

Explore more of Harry's internal conflicts regarding his dual life.
Deepen the backstory of how he became a spy to enhance his character arc.

Follow-up Questions

How does Harry balance his two identities throughout the film?
What specific experiences from his past as an agent shape his current decisions?

Complexity And Depth

Score: 7

Harry grapples with internal conflicts associated with his marital relationship and the consequences of his secret life. His emotional wound stems from the fear of losing his family's trust and affection, as evidenced by his wife's suspicions of infidelity and the traumatic events that unfold due to his covert work. His flaws include deception, emotional distancing, and a tendency to prioritize work over family.

Character Wound: Fear of losing his family due to his lies

Character Flaws: Deceptive, emotionally distant, workaholic

Suggestions

Develop scenes that explicitly showcase Harry's fear of losing Helen.
Create dialogue that reveals his emotional struggle and moments when he is tempted to come clean.

Follow-up Questions

What moments highlight Harry's conflict between duty and family loyalty?
In what ways does his fear of exposure affect his actions throughout the screenplay?

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis

Score: 8

Throughout the screenplay, Harry evolves from a secretive agent to a man forced to confront his lies and the possible loss of his family. His transformation is catalyzed by events that threaten his loved ones and his marriage, pushing him toward a desire to become more open and genuine.

Polarity Changes: High points include moments of heroism during his missions; low points revolve around family confrontations and trust issues.

Transformation Triggers: Key events triggering his growth include the realization of Helen's suspicion and his revelation of being a spy.

Suggestions

Emphasize the turning point when Harry decides to share his secrets with Helen.
Add scenes that depict Harry’s emotions vividly during critical decisions.

Follow-up Questions

What final actions must Harry take to fully reconcile with his past decisions?
How does the climax affect Harry's overall arc by the end of the screenplay?

Dialogue And Voice

Score: 8

Harry's dialogue features a mixture of humor and seriousness, often using sarcasm to deflect uncomfortable situations. His speech reflects his confidence and training, providing layers to his character as both a skilled operative and a loving husband. As the story progresses, his voice becomes more vulnerable during personal exchanges.

Unique Voice: Witty, sarcastic, and at times emotionally charged.

Suggestions

Incorporate more vulnerability in his dialogue during key confrontations with Helen.
Create dialogue that deepens his relationship with Gib, showcasing camaraderie and tension.

Follow-up Questions

How does Harry's voice change in tense situations versus with family?
What lines from Harry best showcase his dual life and internal conflicts?

Behavior And Choices

Score: 7

Harry’s actions are driven by a mix of adrenaline from his missions and an attempt to ensure his family's safety. However, his choices frequently jeopardize familial bonds, causing rifts and misunderstandings. This contrasts with the growth he experiences as he confronts his secrets.

Motivations: To protect his family and fulfill his duties as a spy.

Desires Vs Needs: Desires professional success and the thrill of espionage vs. the need for family connection and honesty.

Suggestions

Highlight more moments of internal conflict as he prioritizes one over the other.
Show how external pressures force him to reconsider his choices.

Follow-up Questions

Which pivotal choices lead to the strongest turning points in Harry's character?
How do Harry's motivations conflict throughout the screenplay?

Relationship Dynamics

Score: 9

Harry's relationship with Helen provides the emotional core of the film; his secretive life causes tension and drama that escalate as the plot unfolds. His bond with Gib reflects a deep camaraderie built on mutual respect and shared experiences, though it also highlights the impact of Harry's secrets on their friendship.

Suggestions

Focus on Harry's attempts to reconnect with Helen to add emotional depth.
Add scenes that showcase the humorous yet supportive dynamic with Gib.

Follow-up Questions

How do Harry's relationships evolve through moments of crisis?
In what ways do his interactions with Helen and Gib differ in tone and tension?

Scene Impact

Score: 8

Harry often serves as the emotional anchor in various scenes, his decisions shaping the flow of events. His actions introduce conflict, particularly as they relate to his family dynamics or mission scenarios. When he is present in action sequences, his character evokes excitement, while quieter moments elicit empathy as personal stakes rise.

Suggestions

Enhance scenes where Harry grapples with his dual roles to amplify tension.
Include moments that allow secondary characters to respond to Harry's presence.

Follow-up Questions

What scenes best display the tension Harry brings to the narrative?
How does Harry's emotional state alter the tone of scenes he's involved in?

Role Fulfillment

Score: 9

Harry's role as the protagonist centers on balancing his responsibilities as a spy with the need to protect his family. As he navigates threat and deception, he embodies the archetype of the reluctant hero who ultimately must rise to the occasion. His choices and resulting actions reflect the larger theme of integrity and the importance of connection.

Symbolic Role: Represents the conflict between duty and family.

Suggestions

Consider giving Harry a moment that questions his heroism directly.
Explore how his internal struggles serve to deepen his hero narrative.

Follow-up Questions

What moments do Harry's actions directly challenge or reinforce his role as a hero?
How does his reluctance manifest during pivotal events in the plot?

Thematic Plot Integration

Score: 8

As Harry navigates espionage and personal relationships, his journey reflects themes of trust, honesty, and the intersection of work and family life. His eventual need to embrace vulnerability juxtaposes the expectations of a secret agent, underscoring the struggle to maintain loyalty amidst deception and danger.

Suggestions

Increase focus on moments that highlight theme resonance in Harry's decisions.
Further emphasize how Harry’s resolution of personal conflicts parallels larger societal issues.

Follow-up Questions

How do Harry's actions directly affect or challenge the screenplay's central themes?
What thematic elements are most pronounced throughout Harry's arc?

Emotional Resonance

Score: 9

Harry's evolution throughout the screenplay engages audiences emotionally as they witness his struggles and redemption arc. The stakes are heightened by his love for Helen and their family, creating a gripping narrative that balances excitement with heartfelt moments. His relationships, especially with Helen, help ground his character in real emotions, engaging viewers.

Emotional Impact: Harry's journey elicits a mix of tension, excitement, sympathy, and ultimately hope.

Suggestions

Add scenes that depict Harry's emotional vulnerabilities to deepen connection.
Utilize music and pacing in critical moments to enhance the emotional dynamic.

Follow-up Questions

What emotional responses does Harry's journey evoke in different audience members?
How can Harry's pivotal moments be framed to maximize emotional impact?

Personality Types

MBTI: entj

Harry displays traits of an ENTJ through strategic thinking, leadership in crisis, and confidence.

Confidence: 85%

Possible Alternative Type: estp (60%)

Suggestions

Further explore Harry's ENTJ tendencies by showcasing leadership challenges.
Incorporate scenes that highlight his strategic approach to problem-solving.

Follow-up Questions

How do Harry's interactions reflect his ENTJ characteristics?
Where in the screenplay do we see him potentially demonstrating ESTP traits?

Enneagram: 3

Harry embodies traits typical of an Enneagram 3, driven by achievement and public image.

Confidence: 80%

Possible Alternative Type: 7 (65%)

Suggestions

Delve deeper into Harry's motivation to project success in his personal relations.
Show how his fear of failure manifests in high-stakes situations.

Follow-up Questions

How does Harry's Enneagram type influence his choices throughout the screenplay?
What elements of his character arc align with typical behavior of an Enneagram 3?

Key Scenes

Strongest Scene (22)

The scene where Harry confronts Juno Skinner and displays his spy capabilities.

Why: This scene showcases Harry's confidence, charm, and spy skills, encapsulating the essence of his character and driving the narrative forward.

Weakest Scene (40)

The scene where Harry is under the influence of sodium amytal, revealing his secrets.

Why: This scene weakens Harry by portraying him as more vulnerable and less in control, impacting his image as a competent spy.

Suggestions:

Amplify the psychological tension in moments leading up to the drugging.
Introduce more internal dialogue to explore his emotional state.

Helen - Score: 84/100

Role

Protagonist

Personality

MBTI: ENFP

Character Analysis Overview

Foundational Definition 7/10

Ordinary housewife seeking excitement.

Complexity And Depth 8/10

Struggles with emotional neglect and guilt.

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis 9/10

A journey from conformity to empowerment.

Dialogue And Voice 8/10

A mix of vulnerability and strength.

Behavior And Choices 8/10

Decisive actions, reflecting inner turmoil.

Relationship Dynamics 9/10

Complex and evolving connections.

Scene Impact 9/10

A catalyst for emotional tension.

Role Fulfillment 8/10

A dynamic protagonist with dual roles.

Thematic Plot Integration 9/10

She embodies personal versus societal conflict.

Emotional Resonance 9/10

Strong emotional connections throughout her journey.

Foundational Definition

Score: 7

Helen Tasker is a complex character who starts as a seemingly ordinary housewife. Her foundational identity is tied to her role as a mother and wife, reflecting traditional values and expectations of domesticity. As the narrative unfolds, it becomes evident that she craves excitement and validation outside her constrained life, leading her to explore an affair under the guise of a spy mission. Her journey symbolizes the struggle between personal desire and societal expectations.

Values And Beliefs: Family, loyalty, and the desire for a more fulfilling life.

Strengths And Skills: Resourcefulness, adaptability, and bravery.

Suggestions

Explore more of Helen's backstory to deepen her motivations.
Show moments that highlight her nurturing side to contrast with her spy persona.

Follow-up Questions

What past experiences shaped Helen's current desires?
How does Helen reconcile her traditional family values with her adventurous actions?

Complexity And Depth

Score: 8

Helen navigates emotional wounds stemming from feelings of neglect and dissatisfaction within her marriage. This internal conflict manifests in her attraction to Simon and leads her to make choices that threaten her family's stability. As she begins to embrace her agency, she also grapples with guilt over her infidelity and the dangers of espionage. This complexity adds tension to her character arc as she seeks validation and excitement.

Character Wound: Feelings of invisibility in her marriage.

Character Flaws: Momentarily succumbs to temptation and betrayal.

Suggestions

Introduce flashbacks that reveal her feelings of neglect.
Create dialogue that reflects her internal conflict more poignantly.

Follow-up Questions

How does the strain of her choices impact her relationship with Harry?
What moments could further illustrate her guilt and desire for redemption?

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis

Score: 9

Helen's arc transitions from a submissive housewife to a more empowered figure who takes control of her narrative. The transformation is influenced by her exposure to the spy world and her need to reclaim her identity while balancing her roles as a wife and a mother. Triggers for her transformation include her realization of her husband's secret life, her own thrill-seeking actions, and ultimately the peril surrounding her and her family.

Polarity Changes: Initial submissiveness versus her later assertiveness during the mission.

Transformation Triggers: Her experiences with Simon and the spy mission she ultimately embraces.

Suggestions

Add scenes showing her reassessing her life choices leading to her decision-making process.
Highlight her moments of decision-making to cement her growth throughout the story.

Follow-up Questions

What specific events influenced Helen's choices toward the end?
How does she reconcile her newfound sense of agency with her responsibilities as a mother and wife?

Dialogue And Voice

Score: 8

Helen's speech evolves from being passive to demonstrating strength and conviction. Initially, her words reflect her insecurity and struggles within her marriage, often resorting to sarcasm or defensive retorts. However, during her more active moments in the narrative, her language becomes more assertive, showcasing her bravery and resolve to protect her family, ultimately making her character much more relatable and complex.

Unique Voice: Helen's dialogue illustrates her shift from fearful avoidance to assertive confidence.

Suggestions

Incorporate more dynamic exchanges that reveal her emotional range.
Utilize contrasting dialogue styles to showcase her internal conflict more clearly.

Follow-up Questions

How does her dialogue reflect her inner transformation throughout the story?
What moments could reflect her vulnerability juxtaposed with her strength?

Behavior And Choices

Score: 8

Helen's journey is characterized by a series of decisions that highlight her growth from complacency to assertiveness. Notably, her choices to engage with Simon and later to embrace the spy mission symbolize her longing for agency. However, actions such as lying to Harry and her moments of weakness showcase her internal conflict, making her motivations relatable and complex.

Motivations: To seek fulfillment beyond her mundane domestic life.

Desires Vs Needs: Desires excitement and validation but needs stability for her family.

Suggestions

Create scenarios where she must choose between her desires and her responsibilities.
Highlight pivotal moments where her decisions impact those around her.

Follow-up Questions

What specific actions would further illustrate her struggle between desire and family loyalty?
How do her choices parallel Harry's journey throughout the narrative?

Relationship Dynamics

Score: 9

Helen's relationships, particularly with Harry, illustrate the tension between love and betrayal. Her connection with Simon signifies her quest for excitement but simultaneously puts her marriage at risk. The conflict between her affection for Harry and her actions complicates her character, deepening the exploration of trust and loyalty in relationships.

Suggestions

Enhance moments of tension and resolution between her and Harry.
Develop her connection with Simon to contrast her loyalty to Harry.

Follow-up Questions

How does her relationship with Harry change based on her decisions?
What moments signify her ultimate realization about her family's importance?

Scene Impact

Score: 9

Helen's presence often serves to heighten emotional stakes, especially during scenes of conflict or tension. Whether it’s her confrontation with Harry or her struggle against Juno, her actions pull the audience into the tumult of her emotional journey. Each scene she occupies shifts the tone and typically heightens the stakes, reflecting her complex nature.

Suggestions

Add more scenes that underscore her emotional responses to dilemmas.
Create a juxtaposition between dramatic moments and her more tender interactions with Harry.

Follow-up Questions

What scenes highlight her emotional range and showcase her impact on the overall story?
Which specific moments could better show her evolution and affect others around her?

Role Fulfillment

Score: 8

Helen serves as both a passive figure and an active participant in her and her family's fate. Initially positioned within traditional gender roles, her evolution reflects a broader commentary on the potential for women to reclaim power in their lives. Her interaction with both Simon and Harry highlights the juxtaposition of her seeking fulfillment within a constrained framework, emphasizing her dual role as both wife and a woman in search of her identity.

Symbolic Role: Represents the struggle for female agency within a traditional framework.

Suggestions

Further explore her dual roles in scenes with varied dynamics.
Highlight moments that bridge her traditional home life with her newfound assertiveness.

Follow-up Questions

How does Helen challenge the traditional framework set for her character?
What decisions could amplify her symbolic journey throughout the narrative?

Thematic Plot Integration

Score: 9

Helen's arc reveals the intricate balance between personal desires and societal expectations. Her tendency to explore infidelity and her subsequent actions within the spy world reflect the underlying themes of trust, betrayal, and the search for identity. This interweaving of personal struggle with overarching societal norms deepens the narrative, making every decision significant against the backdrop of familial loyalty and personal growth.

Suggestions

Create more interactions that showcase her grappling with societal norms.
Further highlight moments that denote the consequences of her choices on a larger scale.

Follow-up Questions

What specific themes could resonate more powerfully in her scenes?
How does Helen's journey align with or challenge the traditional gender roles depicted in the screenplay?

Emotional Resonance

Score: 9

Helen's character effectively evokes emotions ranging from empathy to tension as she navigates interpersonal and existential conflicts. The stakes tied to her choices create a palpable sense of urgency, engaging viewers in her quest for fulfillment and connection with Harry. Her dramatic moments result in strong emotional responses, making her a relatable character within the narrative.

Emotional Impact: Empathy and tension arise from her struggles and decisions.

Suggestions

Incorporate additional interactions that magnify her emotional stakes.
Emphasize scenes where her choices directly affect emotional outcomes for her family.

Follow-up Questions

What moments have the most emotional weight in her journey?
Which emotional beats could be enhanced to deepen audience connection?

Personality Types

MBTI: enfp

Helen exhibits traits of being expressive, spontaneous, and seeking deeper connections, indicative of the ENFP personality.

Confidence: 80%

Possible Alternative Type: isfj (60%)

Suggestions

Utilize her ENFP traits to explore relationships more dynamically.
Highlight potential ISFJ characteristics to deepen her nurturing side.

Follow-up Questions

How do her personality traits affect her decisions throughout the story?
What interactions could further emphasize her extroverted nature?

Gib - Score: 68/100

Role

Supporting Character

Personality

MBTI: ESFP
Enneagram: Type 7: The Enthusiast

Scenes

Strongest: #20
Weakest: #17

Character Analysis Overview

Foundational Definition 7/10

Gib is Harry's loyal partner with a humorous edge.

Complexity And Depth 6/10

Gib's humor masks deeper feelings of responsibility and care.

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis 5/10

Gib's character maintains consistency throughout the screenplay, providing steady support for Harry.

Dialogue And Voice 7/10

Gib uses humor to navigate their dangerous life, with a casual and sarcastic tone.

Behavior And Choices 6/10

Gib's behavior is often supportive, but he also shows moments of frustration with Harry's choices.

Relationship Dynamics 8/10

Gib shares a brotherly bond with Harry, characterized by loyalty and light-hearted banter.

Scene Impact 7/10

Gib often introduces comedic relief amid tension, balancing the screenplay's tonal shifts.

Role Fulfillment 8/10

Gib effectively fills the role of Harry's partner, providing comedic balance and emotional support.

Thematic Plot Integration 7/10

Gib seamlessly underscores themes of loyalty, friendship, and the duality of personal and professional life.

Emotional Resonance 7/10

Gib's humor and loyalty resonate deeply with the audience.

Foundational Definition

Score: 7

Gib serves as Harry's partner and confidant in Omega Sector. He carries a laid-back demeanor which contrasts the high-stakes world they operate in, often providing comic relief while also displaying loyalty and competence as an agent. His identity is closely tied to his friendship with Harry, and he values teamwork and camaraderie in their missions.

Values And Beliefs: Teamwork, Friendship, Humor in adversity

Strengths And Skills: Technological adeptness, Team dynamics, Field experience

Suggestions

Explore deeper emotional connections between Gib and Harry to enhance their partnership dynamic.
Incorporate moments that showcase Gib's expertise in tech to validate his role within Omega Sector.

Follow-up Questions

How does Gib balance humor with the seriousness of their missions?
What drives Gib's loyalty to Harry despite the dangerous nature of their work?

Complexity And Depth

Score: 6

While Gib often appears lighthearted, his character hints at deeper layers, especially seen when he expresses concern for Harry's well-being and family dynamics. This complexity adds nuance to his character, suggesting that beneath the humor lies a thoughtful and caring individual who grapples with the weight of their secretive work.

Character Wound: Feelings of inadequacy in relation to his personal life and relationships.

Character Flaws: Overly reliant on humor, Occasionally careless

Suggestions

Include backstory moments that reveal Gib's past struggles, enhancing his complexity.
Show how Gib deals with the pressure of their work affecting his relationships.

Follow-up Questions

What personal sacrifices has Gib made for his career?
How does Gib's humor serve as a coping mechanism for the challenges they face?

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis

Score: 5

Gib maintains a certain stasis, often echoing the counterbalance needed against Harry's more impulsive nature. While he occasionally hints at emotional arcs, he primarily serves as a constant factor for Harry, never significantly transforming.

Polarity Changes: Gib exhibits encouragement and occasional frustration, especially relating to Harry's personal issues.

Transformation Triggers: Gib experiences moments of doubt regarding their mission and Harry's choices, but does not visibly change throughout the film.

Suggestions

Increase Gib’s personal stakes in the overarching plot to provide room for potential growth.
Create situations that challenge Gib, prompting a more visible evolution.

Follow-up Questions

In which moments does Gib feel tested, particularly with Harry's decisions?
What would trigger a more significant change in Gib's character?

Dialogue And Voice

Score: 7

Gib's speech patterns also reflect his grounding presence; he often uses humor to defuse tension, providing a necessary respite from the film's high-stakes scenario. His banter with Harry indicates a comfortability that enhances their chemistry.

Unique Voice: Gib's dialogue is often humorous and laced with sarcasm, serving as a contrast to Harry's more serious moments.

Suggestions

Infuse more depth into Gib's conversations to reveal more of his backstory.
Allow Gib's humor to echo his underlying fears or tensions to add dimension.

Follow-up Questions

How does Gib's humor impact Harry's choices and mentality?
In what ways can Gib's dialogue enhance the stakes of the story?

Behavior And Choices

Score: 6

Gib's choices often serve to balance Harry's impulsiveness. He effectively acts as a moral center in their partnership, representing a voice of reason as they navigate dangerous situations.

Motivations: Gib is motivated by friendship and a desire to protect Harry.

Desires Vs Needs: While he desires to maintain a sense of humor, he needs to face the seriousness of their missions.

Suggestions

Illustrate scenarios showing Gib’s internal struggle between his humor and the reality of their work.
Allow moments where Gib takes initiative, showcasing his skills and leadership potential.

Follow-up Questions

What incidents push Gib to confront Harry about his decisions?
How do Gib's choices impact the narrative flow of the screenplay?

Relationship Dynamics

Score: 8

The partnership between Gib and Harry is central to the narrative. Their dynamic oscillates between mentor/mentee and equal partners, driven by shared experiences and mutual protection. Gib embodies the role of supportive best friend while also highlighting Harry's flaws.

Suggestions

Create situations where Gib mentors or teaches Harry, deepening their bond.
Highlight moments of conflict related to their differing approaches to their work.

Follow-up Questions

How can Gib's role evolve as the stakes increase?
What moments of vulnerability can reveal more about their friendship?

Scene Impact

Score: 7

His presence impacts the scenes by minimizing tension through humor while also emphasizing the seriousness of their missions. Gib is a pivotal figure when key decisions need to be made, often providing critical insights that drive plot points forward.

Suggestions

Pull focus on Gib's reactions during tense moments to enhance audience engagement.
Use Gib as a conduit to deepen audience understanding of Harry's choices.

Follow-up Questions

In which scenes is Gib’s humor most effective at altering the tension?
What are the key moments where Gib’s input significantly changes the outcome?

Role Fulfillment

Score: 8

His role is not just as support; it also highlights the absurdities of their work against real emotional stakes. Gib exemplifies loyalty amidst chaos, showcasing the bonds that hold them together as they navigate treacherous waters.

Symbolic Role: Gib serves as the reminder of the human stakes in their undercover lives.

Suggestions

Establish side-quests or responsibilities for Gib that offers him a unique angle in the storyline.
Elevate his character by showing repercussions of the narrative's external conflicts on him personally.

Follow-up Questions

What societal or emotional commentary can Gib embody throughout the story?
What could Gib learn from his experiences that might challenge or change him?

Thematic Plot Integration

Score: 7

Gib's arcs and actions contribute to the larger themes within the screenplay, particularly the fight between personal integrity and professional duties. His loyalty to Harry highlights the importance of interpersonal connections amid chaos.

Suggestions

Highlight how Gib’s decisions reflect personal themes engaging the audience more deeply.
Connect Gib's actions to larger societal implications of government secrecy and individual sacrifice.

Follow-up Questions

In what ways does Gib’s perspective enhance or challenge the screenplay's prevailing themes?
How does Gib's journey in the narrative tie back to the larger message being conveyed?

Emotional Resonance

Score: 7

Gib’s lighter approach to the dire scenarios creates moments of levity crucial for balancing the intensity of the screenplay's larger conflicts. He draws the audience into a sense of teamwork and solidarity, providing a counterweight to Harry's tensions.

Emotional Impact: Gib evokes feelings of camaraderie, humor, and sympathy.

Suggestions

Emphasize moments where Gib's actions stir empathy or humor, drawing the audience in.
Use emotional stakes for Gib that engage the viewer, enhancing the audience's emotional investment.

Follow-up Questions

What are the major emotional highlights that revolve around Gib?
How does Gib's humor impact the overall vibe and emotional depth of the story?

Personality Types

MBTI: esfp

Gib displays extroverted, sensing, feeling, and perceiving traits, reflecting his easygoing and humorous nature.

Confidence: 80%

Possible Alternative Type: enfp (20%)

Suggestions

Utilize Gib’s extroverted nature to add varying dynamics to critical scenes.
Contrast his personality with characters reflecting opposing MBTI types, enhancing conflict.

Follow-up Questions

How does Gib's extroverted nature impact his interactions with more serious characters?
In what scenes does Gib's emotionality shine the most?

Enneagram: type 7: the enthusiast

Gib embodies traits of an enthusiast, seeking pleasure and enjoyment, often using humor in tough situations.

Confidence: 75%

Possible Alternative Type: type 6: the loyalist (25%)

Suggestions

Show moments when Gib's enthusiasm meets setbacks, emphasizing his character growth.
Explore how his loyalty impacts his mindset in situations with higher stakes.

Follow-up Questions

What moments showcase Gib's enthusiasm thwarted by external conflicts?
How do his loyalties interact with his desires for pleasure and enjoyment?

Key Scenes

Strongest Scene (20)

Gib effectively contributes to dialogue and character dynamics during a key mission sequence.

Why: He encapsulates the balance between humor and professionalism, showcasing his loyalty to Harry and grounding their partnership.

Weakest Scene (17)

Gib is sidelined during intense moments and predominately exchanges dialogue without significant impact.

Why: In this scene, Gib does not take action, relying heavily on Harry for direction, detracting from his character's unique abilities.

Suggestions:

Create another subplot for Gib to engage in during the primary mission.
Allow Gib moments of initiative that showcase his skills uniquely.

Dana - Score: 71/100

Personality

MBTI: ESFP
Enneagram: Type 7: The Enthusiast

Scenes

Strongest: #254
Weakest: #242

Character Analysis Overview

Foundational Definition 7/10

A typical teenager seeking independence.

Complexity And Depth 6/10

Struggles with acceptance and emotional wounds.

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis 7/10

Dana's character experiences growth as she begins to understand her father's dual life.

Dialogue And Voice 6/10

Dana's dialogue reflects her youthful frustration and desire for freedom.

Behavior And Choices 7/10

Dana's choices often reflect a struggle for autonomy against family values.

Relationship Dynamics 8/10

Dana's relationships highlight tension and misunderstandings with her father.

Scene Impact 7/10

Dana's presence brings empathy and tension within family dynamics.

Role Fulfillment 7/10

Dana functions as the voice of youth and rebellion against parental authority.

Thematic Plot Integration 8/10

Dana's arc reinforces the themes of family and identity.

Emotional Resonance 8/10

Evokes strong empathy through her adolescent struggles.

Foundational Definition

Score: 7

Dana Tasker is portrayed as a typical teenager navigating her challenging relationship with her father, Harry. She struggles between her desires for independence and her family's expectations. Her actions, such as sneaking out and later joining a band, signify her struggles for identity and autonomy as a young adult. This tension shapes her character, making her a key component in the familial dynamic and conflict within the story.

Values And Beliefs: Independence, self-exploration, family loyalty.

Strengths And Skills: Musical talent, quick thinking, resilience.

Suggestions

Explore her motivations further, especially related to her musical ambitions.
Provide scenes that deepen her connection to her family.

Follow-up Questions

What are Dana's aspirations beyond music?
How does she perceive her father's job as a spy?

Complexity And Depth

Score: 6

Dana's character showcases emotional depth through her struggles for acceptance and her attempts to understand her father’s secretive life. Her reactions to family conflicts highlight her emotional wounds stemming from feelings of neglect or misunderstanding. These conflicts provide an opportunity for growth and foster family dynamics that lead to significant plot moments.

Character Wound: Feeling neglected by her father's hidden life.

Character Flaws: Rebelliousness, impulsiveness.

Suggestions

Introduce scenes that reveal her thoughts on her father's absence.
Add moments where she reflects on her actions in relation to her family.

Follow-up Questions

How does she feel about her father's role in her life?
In what ways does her impulsiveness affect her relationships?

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis

Score: 7

Throughout the screenplay, Dana transitions from a rebellious teenager to a character aware of her family's perilous dynamics. This gradual realization brings her to support Harry in his conflict against the terrorists, signifying personal growth and increased familial loyalty.

Polarity Changes: Her initial rebellion contrasts with her concern for family safety as the plot progresses.

Transformation Triggers: Discovering the truth about her father's identity and the dangers associated with it.

Suggestions

Incorporate a scene where she confronts Harry about his absence.
Show a pivotal moment where she chooses to side with her family.

Follow-up Questions

What events specifically trigger her transformation?
How does her relationship with Harry change through the course of the story?

Dialogue And Voice

Score: 6

Dana's voice often conveys her frustration towards her father's authoritarian behavior, which showcases her desire for independence. Her dialogues with friends are casual and carefree, while her conversations with family show a deeper emotional struggle, adding layers to her character.

Unique Voice: Her language includes a mix of teenage slang and emotional outbursts, indicating her inner conflict.

Suggestions

Include more varied dialogue that showcases her relationships with peers versus her family.
Highlight moments of vulnerability in her speech.

Follow-up Questions

What does Dana say in private that she may not say in front of her family?
How does the dynamic of her voice change when she talks to Harry compared to others?

Behavior And Choices

Score: 7

Dana's actions, such as sneaking out and pursuing music, showcase her desires for autonomy. However, her eventual support for her father signifies a deeper need for familial reconnection and safety, reflecting her complex motivations in the storyline.

Motivations: Desire for independence and self-identity.

Desires Vs Needs: She desires freedom and acceptance but needs her father's attention and protection.

Suggestions

Clarify how her choices are influenced by her relationships.
Add scenes that show her internal conflicts when making decisions.

Follow-up Questions

What drives her to rebel against her father specifically?
How do her choices impact her relationship with her mother?

Relationship Dynamics

Score: 8

Her relationship with Harry is tumultuous, filled with misunderstandings due to his secretive nature. She seeks validation from him and struggles with feelings of neglect, which adds emotional weight to their interactions. This dynamic is crucial as it shapes her decisions and the family tensions throughout the narrative.

Suggestions

Create flashbacks to show better times between Dana and Harry.
Introduce moments that display her interactions with friends about her family issues.

Follow-up Questions

How does Dana's relationship with her mother influence her bond with her father?
What pivotal moments redefine her feelings towards her family?

Scene Impact

Score: 7

Dana’s actions and scenes amplify the emotional stakes for Harry, showcasing the tension that arises from his dual life. Her moments of rebellion contrast sharply with the terrorist threads enveloping the narrative, serving as motivation for Harry's actions.

Suggestions

Design scenes where her reactions directly impact Harry's choices.
Center some scenes around her attending events that represent normalcy in contrast to the chaos.

Follow-up Questions

What would it look like for Dana to take a more active role in confronting her family issues?
How does Dana's perspective shape the audience's understanding of Harry's actions?

Role Fulfillment

Score: 7

Dana's narrative role enhances the stakes for the protagonist, serving as a reminder of what Harry stands to lose. Her journey from rebellion to understanding illustrates the struggle between parental control and the desire for individuality.

Symbolic Role: Represents the complications of growing up within a family of secrecy.

Suggestions

Further explore her role in juxtaposition to her father’s spy life.
Clarify how her role interacts with overarching themes of trust and secrecy.

Follow-up Questions

What parts of the narrative underscore her symbolic role effectively?
How does Dana's attitude reflect broader societal themes?

Thematic Plot Integration

Score: 8

Through her relationships and conflicts, Dana embodies the theme of family loyalty versus personal identity. Her journey adds depth to the primary narrative, illustrating the impact of a father’s secretive life on familial bonds and personal growth.

Suggestions

Heighten the thematic interplay by integrating her reactions during climactic scenes.
Expose moments that clearly connect her personal journey to the story’s main conflict.

Follow-up Questions

In what ways does she serve as a mirror reflecting Harry's own choices?
What does her story ultimately say about the nature of family?

Emotional Resonance

Score: 8

Dana’s emotional journey resonates significantly, as audiences relate to her yearning for connection while rebelling against paternal authority. Her moments of vulnerability and strength evoke strong empathy, driving home the family-centric themes of the narrative.

Emotional Impact: Sympathy and tension centered on her adolescent struggles.

Suggestions

Highlight her internal thoughts to deepen audience connection further.
Add scenes reinforcing her emotional state as events unfold.

Follow-up Questions

Which moments in the screenplay evoke the strongest audience connection?
How might her emotional journey reflect the experiences of other adolescents?

Personality Types

MBTI: esfp

Dana exhibits traits common in ESFPs, such as spontaneity, excitement-seeking, and a strong focus on living in the moment, as evidenced by her rebellious actions and musical talents.

Confidence: 75%

Possible Alternative Type: isfp (25%)

Suggestions

Consider exploring her artistic side further through expanded scenes.
Develop interactions that underscore her spontaneous and fun-loving traits.

Follow-up Questions

How does her exuberance influence her choices throughout?
In what ways do her decisions reflect more profound ESFP characteristics?

Enneagram: type 7: the enthusiast

Dana shows a strong desire for adventure and freedom, often seeking excitement beyond her mundane family life, which aligns with the core motivations of a Type 7.

Confidence: 80%

Possible Alternative Type: type 3: the achiever (20%)

Suggestions

Highlight the repercussions of her choices on her familial relationships.
Show her dealing with consequences, allowing for growth in her character.

Follow-up Questions

What strategies can be developed for Dana to integrate her adventurous spirit with responsibility?
How might her connections to Type 3 attributes evolve as she matures?

Key Scenes

Strongest Scene (254)

In the warehouse when Dana exhibits bravery while being directly involved during the climax of the story.

Why: This scene showcases her development and shifts from rebellious teenager to someone who contributes courageously in a perilous situation.

Weakest Scene (242)

A scene where Dana lacks agency while being taken hostage by terrorists and seems passive.

Why: This scene undermines her previously established character traits of rebelliousness and strength; she doesn't take initiative.

Suggestions:

Rework the scene to allow her to exhibit more resilience or strategic thinking.
Consider ways she can actively influence the narrative during her capture.

Simon - Score: 68/100

Role

Antagonist

Personality

MBTI: ENTP

Character Analysis Overview

Foundational Definition 7/10

Sleazy charmer with ulterior motives.

Complexity And Depth 6/10

Desperate facade hides deeper insecurities.

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis 5/10

Simon remains mostly static, reflecting the persistent nature of his manipulative traits.

Dialogue And Voice 7/10

Simon's dialogue is smooth, persuasive, and often laced with subtext.

Behavior And Choices 8/10

Simon makes choices driven by self-interest, often putting others in danger.

Relationship Dynamics 6/10

Simon's relationships are transactional, largely lacking emotional depth.

Scene Impact 7/10

Simon's presence shifts the emotional tone of a scene, oscillating between charm and threat.

Role Fulfillment 8/10

Simon fulfills the role of the foil to Harry, showcasing contrasting moral values.

Thematic Plot Integration 8/10

Simon's journey parallels major themes of trust, deception, and the consequences of manipulation.

Emotional Resonance 6/10

Frustrating character that embodies deceit.

Foundational Definition

Score: 7

Simon is presented as a suave, slick operator who utilizes charm and wit to gain the trust of women, notably Helen. His primary motivation appears to be personal gain, using people as tools for his own success without consideration for their feelings or well-being.

Values And Beliefs: Simon values survival and personal gratification above all else. He believes in the power of deception and manipulation to achieve his ends.

Strengths And Skills: Skilled at persuasion, charming, good conversationalist, quick thinker, adept at navigating social situations.

Suggestions

Explore Simon's background more deeply to understand his motivations.
Clarify the contrast between Simon's public persona and his private fears through dialogue.

Follow-up Questions

What event or relationship in Simon's past led him to choose this manipulative lifestyle?
How does Simon's approach to relationships differ when he interacts with men versus women?

Complexity And Depth

Score: 6

Simon exhibits several internal conflicts, particularly a desperation masked by bravado. His facade of confidence may hide deeper insecurities about being abandoned or rejected, which could provide opportunities for character development.

Character Wound: Fear of intimacy and vulnerability.

Character Flaws: Manipulative, selfish, lacks genuine emotional connection.

Suggestions

Introduce moments that reveal Simon's vulnerabilities in private situations.
Create scenarios that challenge Simon's confidence, forcing him to confront his insecurities.

Follow-up Questions

What does Simon truly desire in relationships aside from superficial connections?
How does Simon's fear of rejection affect his interactions with others, particularly with Helen?

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis

Score: 5

Simon does not undergo significant transformation throughout the screenplay. His character serves as a foil to Harry's evolving heroism rather than experiencing his own growth.

Polarity Changes: Simon showcases brief moments of vulnerability when pressed but ultimately does not change.

Transformation Triggers: Confrontations with Helen that threaten his control.

Suggestions

Develop a moment of realization for Simon where his methods lead to unintended consequences.
Consider a subplot that forces Simon to confront the repercussions of his actions.

Follow-up Questions

What would cause Simon to rethink his lifestyle and methods?
How might Simon's life change if he were confronted with genuine love or trust?

Dialogue And Voice

Score: 7

Simon's speech patterns fluctuate between light-hearted flirtation and calculated manipulation, mirroring his personality. His ability to articulate makes him compelling, but it can also mask his true intentions.

Unique Voice: Witty, charming, often shifts to a serious tone when revealing his motivations.

Suggestions

Infuse more subtlety into Simon's dialogue to heighten the tension.
Create sharp contrasts in his dialogue when he interacts with Helen versus when he is confronted.

Follow-up Questions

What is Simon’s underlying tone when he speaks to Helen versus his associates?
How does Simon's dialogue reveal his true character in situations of stress or pressure?

Behavior And Choices

Score: 8

Simon's choices throughout the screenplay reveal a pattern of selfishness and manipulation. Even in desperate situations, his primary focus remains on himself and keeping Helen under control.

Motivations: Self-preservation, personal gratification, and financial gain.

Desires Vs Needs: Desires immediate pleasure and success while needing true connections.

Suggestions

Show repercussions for Simon’s choices that impact his personal relationships significantly.
Introduce moments where Simon must choose between his desires and helping others.

Follow-up Questions

What are the consequences of Simon's decisions on his relationships with women?
How does Simon's behavior reflect the theme of manipulation in the screenplay?

Relationship Dynamics

Score: 6

Simon engages in relationships that serve his needs, especially with Helen. His initial charm contrasts sharply with his eventual betrayal of trust, showcasing his manipulative nature.

Suggestions

Deepen the relationship between Simon and Helen to explore themes of trust.
Create tension in Simon’s interactions with male characters, highlighting his manipulative tendencies.

Follow-up Questions

What do the dynamics of Simon's relationships reveal about his character?
How does Helen's reaction to Simon affect her character arc?

Scene Impact

Score: 7

In scenes involving Simon, the tension escalates as his true nature becomes apparent. His interactions with Helen create dramatic conflict that drives the narrative.

Suggestions

Focus on contrasting his charm with moments of menace to heighten tension.
Use Simon's dialogue to foreshadow his duplicitous nature within scenes.

Follow-up Questions

How does the audience's perception of Simon change throughout the screenplay?
What scenes could benefit from heightened tension through Simon's dialogue?

Role Fulfillment

Score: 8

As an antagonist, Simon provides stark contrast to Harry’s character evolution. His willingness to manipulate relationships highlights the hero's journey against dishonesty.

Symbolic Role: Represents betrayal and the consequences of living a life of lies.

Suggestions

Enhance Simon's role through conflicts that reveal his flaws further.
Consider ways to foil Simon's plans through Harry's decisions.

Follow-up Questions

How effectively does Simon embody the traits of a classic antagonist?
In what ways could Simon’s actions serve to amplify Harry's choices?

Thematic Plot Integration

Score: 8

His actions reflect the ramifications of living dishonestly, surfacing key themes throughout the screenplay. Simon’s behavior serves as a cautionary tale within the narrative.

Suggestions

Tie Simon's narrative arc closer to the screenplay's central themes for greater impact.
Explore more deeply how Simon's actions can resonate with or challenge the main themes.

Follow-up Questions

How does Simon's character amplify the theme of trust in relationships?
What thematic connections could be deepened through Simon’s backstory?

Emotional Resonance

Score: 6

The character evokes a strong connection by embodying the archetype of a deceiver, prompting audiences to reflect on the values of honesty and trust. His confrontation with Harry becomes a focal emotional point, generating unease.

Emotional Impact: Simon elicits feelings of frustration and resentment in the audience.

Suggestions

Create more nuanced interactions between Simon and Harry to deepen emotional stakes.
Consider developing Simon's narrative arc to evoke sympathy at moments before revealing his true nature.

Follow-up Questions

What emotions do audiences typically experience when Simon is on screen?
How can Simon's narrative be adjusted to enhance emotional engagement?

Personality Types

MBTI: entp

Simon's quick wit, charm, and tendency to manipulate situations align well with the ENTP personality type, known for their cleverness and love for engaging with others.

Confidence: 80%

Suggestions

Utilize ENTP traits to further explore Simon’s interactions with Harry and Helen.
Emphasize his cleverness and adaptability in high-pressure situations.

Follow-up Questions

How does Simon's personality type influence his decisions?
What behaviors does he exhibit that align with the ENTP profile?

Theme

Theme Details

Theme Explanation

Deception (45%)

Harry Tasker, the main character, leads a double life as a spy and a family man, keeping both worlds separate; Helen Tasker, Harry's wife, hides her affair from Harry; Gib, Harry's partner, hides the truth about Helen's affair from Harry; Simon/Carlos, a suspected criminal, hides his true identity from Helen and others.

The theme of deception is strongly represented in the screenplay as characters constantly hide their true identities, motives, and actions from others. This theme creates tension and conflict throughout the story.

Strengthening Deception:

Suggestion Type	How to Strengthen the Theme
Dialogue - Scene 1	Have Harry express his inner conflict about deception, his mission and his family life. This can be done through a self-reflective monologue or a conversation with a sympathetic character.
Action - Scene 5	Show Harry being more affectionate and attentive towards his family, creating a stark contrast between his deceptive professional life and his genuine personal life.
Visual - Scene 11	Use visual cues like a flicker of guilt or hesitation in Harry's eyes when he lies or deceives, subtly hinting at his inner turmoil.
Character Arc - Scene 27	Develop Harry's character arc by having him confront the consequences of his deception and make a conscious decision to change, leading to a more honest relationship with his family.
Story Arc - Scene 39	Link the theme of deception to the climax and resolution of the story. Harry's decision to come clean about his secret life should have significant consequences, impacting the story's outcome.

Betrayal (30%)

Helen Tasker betrays her husband by having an affair; Harry Tasker betrays his wife's trust by hiding his true identity and leading a double life; Simon/Carlos betrays the trust of those he works with by pretending to be someone else.

The theme of betrayal is present in the screenplay as characters break trust with others, causing emotional pain and conflict. This theme adds depth to the characters and their relationships.

Espionage and Action (25%)

The screenplay features a spy, Harry Tasker, who embarks on dangerous missions, complete with action scenes, gadgets, and suspenseful moments.

The theme of espionage and action is present in the screenplay, providing thrilling moments and a sense of adventure. This theme is essential to the genre and adds excitement to the story.

Screenwriting Resources on Themes

Articles

Site	Description
Studio Binder	Movie Themes: Examples of Common Themes for Screenwriters
Coverfly	Improving your Screenplay's theme
John August	Writing from Theme

YouTube Videos

Title	Description
Story, Plot, Genre, Theme - Screenwriting Basics	Screenwriting basics - beginner video
What is theme	Discussion on ways to layer theme into a screenplay.
Thematic Mistakes You're Making in Your Script	Common Theme mistakes and Philosophical Conflicts

Robert McKee: "The audience doesn’t go to the movies to see plot; they go to feel emotion, to be moved."

Scene by Scene Emotions

Goals and Philosophical Conflict
internal Goals	Throughout the screenplay, the protagonist Harry Tasker's internal goals evolve from proving his skills as a spy and protecting his loved ones, to navigating the emotional fallout of his wife's affair and ultimately fighting for his family and moral integrity in the face of dangers posed by terrorists.
External Goals	Harry's external goals involve infiltrating dangerous environments, retrieving information to thwart threats, and ultimately stopping the terrorist plans against his family and country throughout the script. As he navigates these high-stakes missions, his goal shifts towards direct action to protect his daughter from imminent danger.
Philosophical Conflict	The overarching philosophical conflict revolves around the tension between duty to one's country as a spy and the personal responsibilities of being a husband and father. Harry's journey intertwines with this conflict as he grapples with balancing the expectations of his professional life with the needs and safety of his family, causing him to reconsider his values and priorities.

Character Development Contribution: The interplay of internal and external goals, along with the philosophical conflicts faced, drives Harry's character development from a detached spy focusing on mission execution to a committed father and husband who recognizes the importance of trust, love, and family.

Narrative Structure Contribution: These elements drive the narrative structure by providing escalating stakes that intertwine action, suspense, and emotional resonance, leading to a climax where personal and professional conflicts converge.

Thematic Depth Contribution: The goals and conflicts enrich the thematic depth of the screenplay by exploring contemporary issues of loyalty, the moral complexities of espionage, and the significance of personal relationships in a high-pressure world, ultimately conveying a message about the value of love and commitment amidst chaos.

Screenwriting Resources on Goals and Philosophical Conflict

Articles

Site	Description
Creative Screenwriting	How Important Is A Character’s Goal?
Studio Binder	What is Conflict in a Story? A Quick Reminder of the Purpose of Conflict

YouTube Videos

Title	Description
How I Build a Story's Philosophical Conflict	How do you build philosophical conflict into your story? Where do you start? And how do you develop it into your characters and their external actions. Today I’m going to break this all down and make it fully clear in this episode.
Endings: The Good, the Bad, and the Insanely Great	By Michael Arndt: I put this lecture together in 2006, when I started work at Pixar on Toy Story 3. It looks at how to write an "insanely great" ending, using Star Wars, The Graduate, and Little Miss Sunshine as examples. 90 minutes
Tips for Writing Effective Character Goals	By Jessica Brody (Save the Cat!): Writing character goals is one of the most important jobs of any novelist. But are your character's goals...mushy?

What's going on here? - Scenes are rated on many critreia. The goal isn't to try to maximize every number; \ It's to make you aware of what's happening in your scenes. You might have very good reasons to have character development but not advance the story, or have a scene without conflict. Obviously if your dialogue is really bad, you should probably look into that.

Abbreviate Headers

Story Content

Character Development

Scene Elements

Audience Engagement

Technical Aspects

			Story Content			Character Development				Scene Elements					Audience Engagement				Technical Aspects
Click for Full Analysis	Tone	Overall	Concept	Plot	Originality	Characters	Character Changes	Internal Goal	External Goal	Conflict	Opposition	High stakes	Story forward	Twist	Emotional Impact	Dialogue	Engagement	Pacing	Formatting	Structure
1 - Harry Tasker's Stealthy Entrance	Suspenseful, Mysterious, Intense	8	8	8	8	7	6	8	9	8	8	9	9	8	6	7	9	9	9	9
2 - Harry Infiltrates a Chateau Party and Transmits Encrypted Data	Suspenseful, Intriguing, Mysterious	8	8	8	8	7	6	8	7	8	8	9	9	7	6	7	9	9	8	9
3 - Harry's Daring Escape on Skis	Intense, Suspenseful, Fast-paced	9	9	9	9	8	7	8	7	9	8	9	9	8	8	7	9	9	7	8
4 - Harry's Daring Helicopter Heist	Intense, Exciting, Suspenseful	9	9	9	9	8	6	8	9	9	8	9	8	9	7	7	9	9	8	8
5 - Homecoming of a Secret Agent	Suspenseful, Intense, Emotional, Mysterious	8	8	8	9	9	7	8	7	7	7	9	8	7	8	7	9	8	8	8
6 - Discovery of Theft and Betrayal with High-Tech Ray Bans	Humorous, Casual, Light-hearted	8	8	7	9	8	6	8	7	7	8	5	8	8	6	9	9	9	8	8
7 - Harry and Gib's Playful Office Escapade	Humorous, Suspenseful, Action-packed	8	8	8	7	8	6	8	7	8	8	8	9	7	7	9	9	8	8	8
8 - Unsatisfactory Findings on Terrorist Threat	Intense, Serious, Suspenseful	9	9	9	8	8	7	8	7	9	8	10	9	8	8	9	9	9	9	9
9 - Workplace Tensions and Family Frustrations	Suspenseful, Humorous, Serious	8	8	7	8	8	6	8	7	8	7	9	8	6	7	7	9	8	8	7
10 - A Trip to the Art Warehouse: A Reunion with an Old Flame	Suspenseful, Intriguing, Flirtatious	8	8	8	9	7	6	8	7	7	7	7	8	7	6	7	9	8	8	8
11 - Surveillance, Tension, and Sensuality: A Scene with Harry, Juno, and Company	Suspenseful, Intense, Erotic, Tense, Dramatic	9	8	9	9	8	7	8	7	9	8	8	9	8	8	8	9	9	8	8
12 - Surveillance, Disappointment, and a Missed Birthday	Tense, Emotional, Suspenseful	8	8	8	9	7	7	8	9	9	8	9	9	7	8	7	9	9	8	8
13 - Intense Mall Restroom Confrontation and High-Speed Park Chase	Intense, Suspenseful, Fast-paced	9	9	8	9	7	7	8	7	9	8	10	9	8	8	6	9	9	8	8
14 - Chaotic Escape through a Luxury Hotel	Intense, Suspenseful, Dramatic	9	8	9	9	8	6	8	9	9	8	10	9	8	7	7	9	9	8	8
15 - Unsuccessful Intimate Reconnection	Tender, Reflective, Disappointment	8	7	7	8	9	7	8	7	6	7	5	6	7	9	8	9	8	8	8
16 - Harry's Frustrating Stakeout	Intense, Suspenseful, Humorous	8	7	8	7	8	6	8	7	8	8	7	8	7	7	7	9	9	8	9
17 - Harry's Blown Cover and a Surprise Visit	Intense, Suspenseful, Serious, Emotional	8	8	8	9	7	7	8	7	9	8	9	9	7	8	7	9	9	8	8
18 - Harry's Discovery	Shocking, Intense, Emotional, Dramatic	8	7	7	9	9	8	8	7	8	8	7	7	7	9	8	9	8	8	8
19 - Harry's Suspicions and Wiretap Scheme	Intense, Suspenseful, Emotional	8	8	8	9	7	8	8	7	9	8	8	8	8	8	7	9	8	7	8
20 - Suspicion and Intrigue: Helen's Meeting with a Mysterious Spy	Suspenseful, Intense, Deceptive, Mysterious	8	8	8	9	9	7	8	7	9	8	8	8	8	8	8	9	8	7	8
21 - Simon's Used Car Salesman Ruse	Suspenseful, Intense, Humorous	8	8	7	9	9	7	8	7	8	7	7	8	7	7	8	9	8	8	8
22 - Harry's Building Anger and Confrontation with Gib	Tense, Suspenseful, Intense, Dramatic	8	8	8	8	7	7	8	7	9	8	9	8	7	8	7	9	9	8	8
23 - Urgent Pursuit and Unauthorized Surveillance	Intense, Suspenseful, Emotional, Confrontational	8	8	8	9	9	8	8	7	9	8	9	9	8	8	8	9	9	8	8
24 - Escape, Surveillance, and a Surprise Proposal	Suspenseful, Intense, Dramatic, Tense	8	8	8	9	7	7	8	7	9	7	9	9	8	7	7	9	8	8	8
25 - Explosive Interrogation: A Cover Story Unravels	Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic, Intense	8	8	8	9	7	7	8	7	9	8	9	9	8	8	7	9	9	8	8
26 - Helen's Interrogation: A Struggle for Power	Intense, Emotional, Confrontational, Tense	9	8	9	9	9	8	8	7	9	8	9	9	8	9	9	9	8	8	8
27 - Helen Strikes a Deal & Simon/Carlos Escapes Death	Intense, Suspenseful, Emotional	8	8	8	9	7	7	8	9	9	8	9	9	8	8	7	9	9	8	8
28 - Harry's Tense Surveillance and Tender Moment with Dana	Suspenseful, Emotional, Reflective	8	8	7	9	9	8	8	7	6	8	6	7	7	9	7	9	8	8	8
29 - Uncovering Secrets: A Family Car Ride and an Envelope Pickup	Tense, Deceptive, Seductive	8	8	8	8	7	7	8	7	9	8	9	9	8	8	7	9	9	9	9
30 - Prostitute and the Arms Dealer: A Tense Encounter	Tense, Erotic, Suspenseful, Shocking	9	9	8	9	9	8	8	9	9	9	9	8	8	9	8	9	9	8	8
31 - Abduction and Betrayal: Harry and Helen's Forced Journey	Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic	9	9	9	9	8	7	8	7	9	8	10	9	8	9	8	9	9	8	8
32 - Unloading Danger and Secrets at a Caribbean Warehouse	Intense, Suspenseful, Dramatic, Emotional	9	8	9	9	8	8	8	9	9	9	9	9	8	9	8	9	9	8	8
33 - Lost Signal and Impending Danger	Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic	8	8	8	9	7	7	8	9	9	8	9	9	7	8	9	9	9	8	8
34 - Harry's Truth Serum Confession	Tense, Intense, Emotional, Suspenseful	9	9	8	9	9	8	8	7	9	8	9	8	9	9	9	9	9	8	8
35 - Harry's Daring Escape and Pursuit through the Swamp	Intense, Suspenseful, Emotional, Passionate	9	9	8	9	9	8	8	9	9	9	9	9	8	9	8	9	9	8	8
36 - Harry's Daring Escape from the Warehouse	Intense, Suspenseful, Dramatic	9	8	9	9	8	7	8	7	9	8	10	9	8	8	7	9	9	8	8
37 - Harry and Gib Coordinate Evacuation as Juno Takes Helen Hostage	Intense, Suspenseful, Dramatic	9	8	9	9	8	8	8	9	9	8	10	9	8	9	7	9	9	8	8
38 - Intense Air Strike and Limo Showdown: Bombs Neutralized, Lives Lost	Intense, Suspenseful, Dramatic	9	8	9	9	8	7	8	9	9	9	10	9	8	8	7	9	9	8	8
39 - Reunited in the Midst of Chaos: A Nuclear Bomb Goes Off as Harry and Helen Share a Kiss, Only to be Interrupted by the News of Dana's Kidnapping	Intense, Suspenseful, Emotional	9	9	9	9	8	8	8	7	9	8	10	9	8	9	8	9	9	7	8
40 - Harry's Daring Rescue: Commandereering a Harrier to Save Dana	Intense, Suspenseful, Dramatic	9	9	9	9	8	7	8	9	9	9	10	9	8	8	7	9	9	8	8
41 - Dana's Daring Escape and Harry's Daring Rescue	Intense, Suspenseful, Dramatic	9	9	9	9	8	7	8	7	9	9	10	9	8	8	7	9	9	8	8
42 - A Moment of Connection and a Family Dinner	Tense, Emotional, Suspenseful, Heartwarming	9	9	8	9	9	8	8	7	9	8	9	9	7	9	8	9	9	8	8

Summary of Scene Level Analysis

Here are some things that came out of the scene level analysis.
This is a summary of the strengths, weaknesses, and suggestions found in each scene. Some things might appear in both strengths and weaknesses based on the variety of your scenes.
For summary of each criteria click in the top row on the criteria.

Scene Strengths

Intense action sequences
Emotional depth
High stakes
Engaging plot
Strong character development

Scene Weaknesses

Limited character development
Minimal dialogue
Some cliched dialogue
Slightly predictable plot twists
Some unrealistic action sequences

Suggestions

Focus on further developing character arcs to increase emotional depth and avoid cliches in dialogue.
Explore ways to add more dynamic and engaging dialogue to keep the story fresh and unpredictable.
Consider adding more external conflict and plotting to keep the story progressing at a fast pace.
Be mindful of unrealistic action sequences that can distract from the emotional resonance of the story.
Experiment with different plot twists that add complexity and surprise to the story without relying on cliches.

World Building

Physical environment: The screenplay takes place in various locations, including snowy mountains near Geneva, luxurious mansions and hotels, a suburban neighborhood, a high-end mansion, a mountain road, a modern office building, a high-tech office space, a law office, a limo, an art consulting company's office, a tomb, a mall, a modern urban setting, a hotel, a domestic setting, a used car lot, a city with a parking lot, cafe, and sedan, and a warehouse. These diverse settings contribute to a sense of tension, danger, and intrigue, as well as luxury and sophistication.
Culture: The cultural elements in the screenplay include a mix of French, Arabic, and American influences, with high society individuals, foreign dignitaries, and businessmen present at various events. The characters' interactions and dialogue reflect societal norms and relationships in various settings, such as a workplace or a family dinner.
Society: The societal structure in the screenplay includes a mix of typical American family life, suburban settings, and high-stakes espionage and covert operations. There is a clear hierarchy and power dynamic between the characters, with a focus on the protagonist's relationships with his wife and daughter, as well as his work as a spy.
Technology: The technological aspects in the screenplay include the use of computers and encryption for hacking, high-tech surveillance equipment, advanced security systems, virtual video display in Ray Bans, bug detectors, cellular scramblers, GPS tracking, and weapons like AR-15s and Stingers. These technological elements add a modern and high-tech feel to the world, contributing to the sense of danger and intrigue.
Characters influence: The unique physical environment, culture, society, and technology shape the characters' experiences and actions by creating a sense of tension, danger, and intrigue, as well as luxury and sophistication. The characters must navigate these various settings and cultural elements while also dealing with their personal relationships and work as spies.
Narrative contribution: The world elements contribute to the narrative of the screenplay by creating a sense of danger, urgency, and intrigue. The various settings and cultural elements provide a backdrop for the characters' actions and interactions, while the technological aspects add a modern and high-tech feel to the world.
Thematic depth contribution: The world elements contribute to the thematic depth of the screenplay by highlighting themes of secrecy, deception, and the blurring of personal and professional lives. The contrast between the luxurious settings and the dangerous situations the characters find themselves in adds a layer of complexity to the themes, as well as a sense of urgency and high-stakes action.

Voice Analysis
Summary:	The writer's voice is characterized by a blend of action, humor, and suspense, creating a dynamic and engaging atmosphere. The writer effectively portrays the tension and urgency of the story through detailed descriptions and sharp dialogue.
Voice Contribution	The writer's voice contributes to the script by creating a sense of realism and immersion. The detailed descriptions and vivid action sequences draw the reader into the story, while the witty banter and humorous moments provide a balance to the intense and suspenseful elements.
Best Representation Scene	3 - Harry's Daring Escape on Skis
Best Scene Explanation	This scene is the best representation of the author's voice because it effectively combines action, humor, and suspense, showcasing the writer's ability to create a dynamic and engaging narrative.

Style and Similarities

The screenplay combines elements of action, suspense, and character-driven drama, creating a unique and engaging narrative. The writing style is sharp, witty, and fast-paced, with a strong emphasis on dialogue and complex character dynamics. The storytelling often explores moral dilemmas, ethical questions, and high-stakes conflicts, resulting in a compelling and thought-provoking screenplay.

Style Similarities:

Writer	Explanation
Tony Gilroy	Gilroy's influence is evident in the complex characters, high-stakes conflicts, and fast-paced storytelling throughout the screenplay. His signature style of blending personal drama with espionage and suspense is a consistent thread in the narrative.
Aaron Sorkin	Sorkin's impact is clear in the sharp dialogue, fast-paced narrative style, and character-driven storytelling. The screenplay features numerous scenes with witty banter, intense emotional conflicts, and ethical dilemmas, all hallmarks of Sorkin's writing.
Shane Black	Black's influence can be seen in the blend of humor, suspense, and character dynamics. The screenplay features several scenes with fast-paced action sequences, witty dialogue, and heartfelt character moments, all reminiscent of Black's style.

Other Similarities: The screenplay also showcases elements from other influential writers such as Christopher Nolan, David Mamet, John le CarrĂ©, and Quentin Tarantino, further enriching the narrative and adding depth to the characters and storylines.

Top Correlations and patterns found in the scenes:

Pattern	Explanation
Scene tone strongly correlates with scene grade	There is a strong positive correlation between the tone of the scene and the overall grade it received. Scenes with more intense, suspenseful, or emotional tones tend to have higher grades, while scenes with lighter or more casual tones have lower grades.
Scenes with high emotional impact tend to have higher grades	Scenes that have a high emotional impact tend to have higher grades. This suggests that scenes that evoke strong emotions in the viewer are more successful than those that do not.
Scenes with character changes tend to have higher grades	Scenes in which characters undergo significant changes tend to have higher grades. This suggests that character development and growth are important factors in the success of a scene.
Scenes that move the story forward tend to have higher grades	Scenes that serve to advance the plot of the story tend to have higher grades. This suggests that maintaining a forward momentum is important for keeping the viewer engaged.
Scenes with high stakes tend to have higher grades	Scenes in which the outcome is uncertain or has significant consequences for the characters tend to have higher grades. This suggests that viewers are more engaged by scenes that have a sense of urgency or importance.
Dialogue and characters are less strongly correlated with scene grade	While there is some positive correlation between the quality of the dialogue and characters and the overall grade of a scene, this correlation is not as strong as the other factors. This suggests that while good dialogue and well-developed characters are important, they are not as crucial to the success of a scene as tone, emotional impact, and plot progression.

Writer's Craft Overall Analysis

The screenplay showcases a strong foundation in suspenseful action, witty dialogue, and character development. The writer has demonstrated an ability to create engaging and high-stakes sequences while also delving into the complexities of character relationships and motivations. However, there is room for improvement in pacing, structure, and emotional depth in certain scenes.

Key Improvement Areas

Pacing and Structure

Some scenes lack a clear structure and pacing, which can make the narrative feel disjointed or confusing. Improving pacing and structure will help enhance the overall impact of the screenplay and create a more cohesive narrative.

Emotional Depth

While the dialogue and character interactions are generally strong, some scenes could benefit from further exploration of emotional depth and complexity. This will help create more memorable and impactful moments for the audience.

Unique Voice

The writer has a unique voice, but there is room to further develop and refine it throughout the screenplay. This will help the writer stand out and create a more engaging and original narrative.

Suggestions

Type	Suggestion	Rationale
Book	Save the Cat! by Blake Snyder	This book provides valuable insights into crafting engaging and well-structured screenplays, which can benefit the writer in improving pacing, structure, and character development.
Exercise	Practice writing dialogue-driven scenes with conflicting character motivations and emotional depthPractice In SceneProv	Improving dialogue skills and exploring character motivations will enhance the authenticity and impact of character interactions, making the screenplay more compelling and engaging.
Screenplay	Read screenplays by renowned action thriller writers like Jeb Stuart, Steven E. de Souza, and Shane Black	Studying the pacing, structure, and character development techniques of established writers in the action genre will help the writer refine their craft and learn from the best.

Additional Notes: The writer has demonstrated a strong foundation in suspenseful action and character development. With a focus on pacing, structure, and emotional depth, the screenplay can be further enhanced and refined. Continue to explore unique and original storytelling techniques while honing the craft of screenwriting.

Here are different Tropes found in the screenplay

Trope	Trope Details	Trope Explanation
Badass Spy	Harry Tasker, the main character, is a skilled and resourceful spy who infiltrates parties, fights off guards, and chases after terrorists.	This trope is common in action-thriller movies and TV shows, where the protagonist is a highly trained and capable secret agent, often performing impressive feats of physical and mental prowess. An example of this trope can be seen in the James Bond franchise.
The Mole	Helen Tasker, the wife of the main character, is revealed to be working with a suspected criminal, putting her husband's mission and their relationship in jeopardy.	This trope is often used in spy and thriller stories, where a character is secretly working against the protagonist or their organization. An example of this trope can be seen in the TV show 'The Americans'.
Love Triangle	Harry Tasker has a mutual attraction with Juno Skinner, but is also married to Helen Tasker, creating a romantic tension between the three characters.	This trope is common in romantic stories, where two characters are attracted to each other but are also involved with other people. An example of this trope can be seen in the movie 'The Thomas Crown Affair'.
The Chase	Harry Tasker engages in a high-speed chase with terrorists, using various vehicles and weapons to pursue them.	This trope is common in action movies, where the protagonist must chase after a villain or flee from danger. An example of this trope can be seen in the movie 'Mad Max: Fury Road'.
The Reveal	Helen Tasker discovers that her husband is a spy, and that he has been keeping secrets from her.	This trope is common in spy and thriller stories, where a character's true identity or motivations are revealed to the audience or other characters. An example of this trope can be seen in the movie 'The Bourne Identity'.
The Betrayal	Helen Tasker betrays her husband by working with a suspected criminal, putting his mission and their relationship in jeopardy.	This trope is common in action and thriller stories, where a character's loyalty or trust is tested or challenged. An example of this trope can be seen in the movie 'The Departed'.
The Ticking Clock	Harry Tasker and his team must stop a group of terrorists from detonating nuclear warheads, creating a sense of urgency and tension.	This trope is common in action and thriller stories, where the protagonist must prevent a disaster or save someone from danger. An example of this trope can be seen in the movie 'Die Hard'.
The Showdown	Harry Tasker confronts the terrorist Malik in a final showdown, using his skills and resourcefulness to defeat him.	This trope is common in action and thriller stories, where the protagonist must face off against the villain or antagonist in a climactic confrontation. An example of this trope can be seen in the movie 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'.
The Redemption	Harry Tasker saves his wife and daughter from danger, redeeming himself and restoring their relationship.	This trope is common in action and thriller stories, where the protagonist must overcome their flaws or mistakes in order to save the day. An example of this trope can be seen in the movie 'Lethal Weapon'.
The Happy Ending	The Tasker family is reunited and happy, with Harry and Helen reconciling and Dana doing her homework.	This trope is common in romantic and family stories, where the characters overcome their challenges and find happiness together. An example of this trope can be seen in the movie 'The Parent Trap'.

Memorable lines in the script:

Scene Number	Line
1	Harry: Honey, I'm home.
11	Juno: Getting what you want is the only important thing.
18	GIB: Women. Can't live with 'em. Can't kill 'em.
30	Helen: Mission accomplished, motherfuckers.
24	Simon: Harry, I want you to be my wife.

Some Loglines to consider:

A bored housewife discovers her husband is a secret agent, leading them on a dangerous adventure to stop a nuclear terrorist plot.
When a mild-mannered computer salesman's double life as a spy is exposed, he must juggle saving the world with saving his marriage.
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After years of keeping his covert spy activities hidden from his family, a seasoned agent must confront his deception and put everything on the line to rescue his daughter from a ruthless band of terrorists.
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1 EXT. MOUNTAINS, NEAR GENEVA, SWITZERLAND - NIGHT

The snow covered Alps stand out clearly in the light of a full
moon. A fortress-like CHATEAU is situated in a flat saddle of
forest partway up the mountain, next to a frozen lake. The
property is surrounded by high stone walls, and the stately
grounds are bathed in floodlights and patrolled by armed guards
with dogs.

2 EXT. CHATEAU - NIGHT

The driveway and motorcourt are filled with cars. A formal-
dress party is in progress... a private reception for a middle-
eastern dignitary. Tuxedoes men escort their diamond-encrusted
ladies through the huge front doors, where they doff their
overcoats and are politely scanned with hand-held metal
detectors by white gloved security staffers.

The walled perimeter of the house runs along the lake, forming
a kind of rampart. There is an opening, to a kind of waterway
or canal, which connects to the private docks inside the
grounds. There is a steel grating across the opening. The
bars disappear down into the thin ice of early winter.

With the house visible BG, we CRANE DOWN below the parapet wall
along which a guard is a white exposure-suit is walking... down
along the dark wall to the grating... TILTING DOWN to see a
glow pulsing under the ice.

3 EXT. BENEATH THE ICE, UNDERWATER - NIGHT

Camera moving toward: A FIGURE in diving gear working at the
metal bars with an oxygen arc cutting torch. One bar has
already been cut out. Two quick cuts and a second bar falls to
the muddy bottom. Lit now only from the floodlights filtering
down through the ice, the figure slips through the bars and
swims powerfully along the stone canal wall.

Seem from below, the figure is a black shadow moving against
the rippled-glass of the ice above.

4 EXT. CANAL AND BOATHOUSE - NIGHT

A dock extends into the frozen canal, just behind a large
boathouse. There is a faint chipping sound. The ice breaks
quietly, and the pieces are slid back. A head appears, in a
rubber drysuit hood. The DIVER slips the regulator out of his
mouth and turns slowly, scanning... revealing:

HARRY TASKER. Our hero. Harry floats with just his eyes above
the surface, silent as a water snake, as a guard passes on a
footpath nearby.
After a few beats Harry slips out of his tanks and fins,
letting them sink, and climbs the frozen ladder onto the dock.
He moves like a ninja into the shadows of the boathouse.
Opening a WATERPROOF BAG, he pulls out a walky talky.

HARRY
Honey, I'm home.

5 INT. / EXT. SURVEILLANCE VAN, MOUNTAIN ROAD - NIGHT

Meet Harry's partner, ALBERT "GIB" GIBSON, an overweight twenty-
year-man with a lived in looking face. Gib answers Harry via
his headset.

GIB
Roger that.
(he covers the mike and
turns)
Hey, Fize! Get your butt in
here. Harry's inside.

Outside, FAST FAISIL, an Iranian-American, finishes making
yellow snow and hurries back to the van. They are parked on a
winding mountain road a half-mile from the chateau, whose
lights are visible through the trees.

Faisil jumps in and goes to the eyepiece of a huge telephoto
nightvision scope. The eerie green image lurches as he sweeps
the grounds, locating the boathouse.

6 EXT. BOATHOUSE - NIGHT

Concealed in the shadows, Harry is shucking out of his drysuit.
Underneath is he is wearing black tux pants, suspenders,
cummerbund and a formal shirt. He puts a tiny plug, like a
hearing aid, deep in his ear canal. A SUB-VOCAL TRANSCEIVER.
Very advanced.

HARRY
Switching to sub-vocal. Gib, you
copy?

GIB (OVER)
It's Talkradio. You're on the
air.

Harry slips into his shoulder harness... holster on one side,
containing his .45 auto Glock-22, and the transmitter pack for
the ear-piece slung on the other. He slips on a formal jacket,
concealing the rig. Then a final touch. A little aftershave
from a tiny plastic vial.
Harry adjusts his bow-tie and strides confidently out of the
shadows, crossing quickly to the main house. He looks
ultrasharp in his black tux with the white silk cummerbund and
his hair slicked back. He enters the main house through a back
service entrance.

Genres: Action, Thriller
Tone: Suspenseful, Mysterious, Intense

Summary In the snow-covered Alps, Harry Tasker infiltrates a fortress-like chateau during a nighttime party for a middle-eastern dignitary. After cutting through the icy canal in diving gear, Harry enters the chateau through a back service entrance, dressed in a tuxedo. This tense and suspenseful scene includes key dialogue such as Harry's casual 'Honey, I'm home' and Gib's instructions to Faisil. The scene concludes with Harry successfully entering the chateau undetected, ready to continue his mission.

Strengths

Strong concept
Engaging plot
Tense atmosphere

Weaknesses

Limited emotional depth
Some cliched elements

General Critique

The scene begins with some nice, vivid imagery of the moonlit Alps and the fortress-like chateau. However, the description of the party and security measures is a bit too long and detailed, and it slows down the pace of the scene.
The action of the scene is fairly straightforward: Harry Tasker, a secret agent, infiltrates a party at the chateau to carry out a mission. However, the scene lacks any real tension or suspense. There is no sense of danger or urgency, and the reader is never really invested in Harry's mission.
The dialogue between Harry and Gib is also a bit flat and uninspired. It is mostly just exposition, and it does not do much to develop the characters or advance the plot.
Overall, the scene is well-written and technically proficient, but it lacks the dramatic tension and excitement that is necessary to make it truly engaging.

General Suggestions

Cut down on the description of the party and security measures. This information is not essential to the story, and it slows down the pace of the scene.
Add some tension and suspense to the scene. This could be done by, for example, having Harry encounter some obstacles or dangers while infiltrating the party.
Develop the characters of Harry and Gib more. Give them more personality and motivation, and make the reader care about their mission.
Rewrite the dialogue between Harry and Gib to make it more natural and engaging. Add some humor or conflict to the conversation.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the tension and intrigue of the mission, introduces the main character, and showcases the high-stakes nature of the operation.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a covert mission at a formal party with underwater elements is engaging and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with clear objectives and obstacles for the characters to overcome.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar spy genre setting but adds original elements such as the underwater infiltration and the use of advanced technology. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.

Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are introduced effectively, with Harry Tasker standing out as the confident and skilled protagonist.

Character Changes: 6

Harry Tasker undergoes a subtle transformation from underwater diver to undercover agent, showcasing his adaptability.

Internal Goal: 8

Harry's internal goal in this scene is to successfully infiltrate the chateau and carry out his mission undetected. This reflects his desire to prove his skills as a spy and protect his loved ones.

External Goal: 9

Harry's external goal is to retrieve valuable information or complete a mission related to the middle-eastern dignitary's presence at the party. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing as a spy.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters and the high-stakes mission adds tension to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Harry facing challenges both external (security measures, guards) and internal (ethical dilemmas, personal risks). The audience is left wondering how Harry will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 9

The high-stakes nature of the mission, with armed guards and a dangerous underwater operation, adds urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing the mission and setting up the challenges to come.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in Harry's infiltration plan and the introduction of advanced technology. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethics of espionage and the balance between personal loyalty and professional duty. Harry's actions challenge his own moral code and raise questions about the greater good.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

While the scene is more focused on action and suspense, there is still a sense of anticipation and excitement.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and serves to move the plot forward while revealing character traits.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of suspenseful action, witty dialogue, and intriguing setting. The characters' motivations and the high stakes keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action sequences, character interactions, and suspenseful moments that keep the audience engaged. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in building tension.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected format for a spy thriller genre, with a clear setup, rising tension, and a cliffhanger ending that propels the narrative forward.

7 INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

Harry strides through the huge kitchen like he owns the place.
The kitchen staff are scurrying around, too busy to really
notice. He finger-tastes a dish as he passes.

HARRY
(French/ subtitled)
This needs more garlic.

He breezes through unchallenged, exiting into the--

8 INT. MAIN HALL - NIGHT

Here the party is in full swing. Harry blends smoothly into
the crowd of foreign dignitaries, businessman and minor mid-
east nobility. They are a high-octane mixture of new oil money
and old European money, and run the spectrum from stodgy
bankers to playboy arms dealers.

Harry strolls amiably among the glittering woman, the cigar
smoking men, casually snagging a glass of champagne and a
canape from the passing waiters. He nods to someone as if he
knows them. Greets another is quite fluent Arabic. People in
his wake look at each other like "Do you know him?" They
shrug, go on with their conversation. Harry moves through the
crowd. Scanning.

HARRY
There's Daddy Petrobucks.

HARRY'S POV - Through the crowd is sees JAMAL KHALED, the host
of the party and owner of the chateau. He is fat and animated,
greeting guests with a flourish. As Harry watches he warmly *
greets a beautiful WOMAN. They become absorbed in a *
conversation.

The woman glances up and sees Harry checking her out. There is
a frank moment of returned interest. Then the crowd shifts,
cutting off their view of each other.

9 INT. STAIRCASE AND SECOND FLOOR - NIGHT

Harry makes his way up the grand staircase to the second floor. *
He slips through doors into the private area of the mansion. *
10 INT. LIBRARY - NIGHT

The doors open and Harry slips into the darkened library. He *
crosses quickly to a window and opens it onto a terrace. *

11 EXT. BALCONIES - NIGHT *

Harry goes onto the terrace, and in a display of acrobatic *
prowess, he pulls himself up onto the third floor balcony *
directly above. He lets himself into-- *

12 INT. KHALED'S OFFICE - NIGHT *

Khaled's office is ornately furnished. Beautiful antiques
glint in the moonlight coming in the French-doors. Harry
crosses to an immense desk and boots up the computer there.
Bathed in the glow from the screen, he pulls a FLAT BOX, about
the size of a paperback, from the back of his cummerbund. He
connects it quickly to the modem port in the back of the
computer.

HARRY
Modem in place. Transmitting...
now.

He pushes a button and a green light comes on.

13 INT. VAN - NIGHT

Gib and Faisil watch as their monitor screen lights with DATA
from Khaled's private computer.

FAISIL
Affirmatory. We are in. *

Fast Faisil is a computer ace. His fingers fly on the keyboard
as he types rapid key commands. We see familiar "windows
appear". The words are all in Arabic characters.

FAISIL
These are encrypted files, guys.
This is going to take me a few
minutes.

14 OMITTED *

Genres: Action, Thriller
Tone: Suspenseful, Intriguing, Mysterious

Summary Harry, the main character, infiltrates a party at a chateau, makes his way to the host's office, and connects a device to the host's computer to transmit data to his team. Faisil begins to decode the encrypted files. Harry faces no challenges, and the main conflict lies in accessing and decoding the files. The scene takes place at night, starting in the kitchen, moving to the main hall, and ending in Khaled's office and a van outside. The tone is suspenseful and exciting.

Strengths

Tension-building
Intrigue
Skillful protagonist

Weaknesses

Limited character development
Minimal emotional depth

General Critique

The scene transitions could be smoother and more clear, with more explicit connections between the actions and thoughts of the characters.
The dialogue, while witty and engaging, could benefit from more variety and depth to avoid sounding too similar to generic spy movie banter.
The description of the party guests could be more specific and diverse to create a more vivid and interesting setting.
The scene might benefit from a clearer goal or conflict for the main character, Harry, to drive the action forward and create tension.

General Suggestions

Consider adding more sensory details to the description of the party, such as sounds, smells, and textures, to create a more immersive experience for the reader.
Experiment with different types of dialogue, such as internal monologues or more serious conversations, to add depth and variety to the scene.
Consider introducing a secondary character or conflict to challenge Harry and create a more dynamic and engaging scene.
Try incorporating more specific and personal details about the party guests, such as their names, occupations, and personalities, to create a more memorable and engaging setting.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the tension and intrigue of the covert operation, showcasing the protagonist's skills and the high stakes involved.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a covert infiltration at a high-profile party is engaging and well-executed, setting the stage for the rest of the story.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with the protagonist moving through the party to access sensitive information, adding layers of suspense and mystery.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar spy/heist scenario but adds a fresh twist with the setting and cultural elements. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are intriguing, especially the protagonist Harry Tasker, who is shown to be resourceful and skilled in his mission.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not a significant character arc in this scene, Harry's resourcefulness and skill are highlighted.

Internal Goal: 8

Harry's internal goal in this scene is to successfully hack into Khaled's private computer and retrieve important information. This reflects his desire for adventure, risk-taking, and possibly a personal vendetta against Khaled.

External Goal: 7

Harry's external goal is to blend in with the crowd at the party and gain access to Khaled's office without raising suspicion. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in infiltrating the mansion undetected.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Harry navigates the party and works to access the computer without being detected.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with obstacles and challenges that test Harry's skills and determination, adding tension and uncertainty to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as Harry works to access sensitive information without being detected, risking his mission and safety.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing the mission and setting up the conflict and stakes for the protagonist.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected obstacles and challenges for Harry, keeping the audience on edge about the outcome of his mission.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of hacking and espionage. It challenges Harry's beliefs about right and wrong, as he must justify his actions in pursuit of his goals.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The emotional impact is subtle but present, as the audience is drawn into the tension and suspense of the covert operation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying the tension and secrecy of the operation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines action, suspense, and character development to keep the audience invested in Harry's mission.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspense that keeps the audience engaged and invested in Harry's mission.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear transitions between locations and effective use of visual cues to enhance the storytelling.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, moving seamlessly from one location to another while maintaining a sense of suspense and momentum.

15 INT. 2ND FLOOR HALLWAY - NIGHT *

TIGHT ON LIBRARY DOOR. It opens a crack and a dental mirror *
comes out, looking around like a U-boat periscope. Seeing the
coast is clear Harry slips out. But just as he is closing the
door, a GUARD rounds the corner ten feet away. Harry turns
smoothly. He smiles sheepishly and moves toward the guard.
HARRY
(In Arabic/ subtitled)
Where's the john around here? I
have to take a major leak.

The guard points warily down the corridor. Harry nods and
heads that way, back toward the party.

16 INT. MAIN HALL/ STAIRCASE - NIGHT

Harry comes down the staircase amid the glitter of the party.
He is sipping champagne and looking bored. He sees two
security guys moving purposefully through the crowd toward the
stairs, walkies in their hands. He turns away as they pass him
and pretends to study a large fragment of bas-relief... a
temple frieze depicting a war chariot drawn by four horses.

He senses someone next to him and turns. It is the WOMAN. She *
is captivatingly beautiful, and her gaze is piercing.

HARRY
(indicating the bas-
relief)
Magnificent, isn't it?

WOMAN
Yes. Hi, I'm Juno Skinner. I
thought I knew most of Khaled's
friends but I don't believe I
know you.

Harry offers his hand to her.

HARRY
Renquist. Harry Renquist.

17 INT. VAN - NIGHT

Gib whirls to the screen displaying the mission database. He
scans rapidly for--

GIB
Skinner. Skinner. Come on...

Gib finds the entry he's looking for. Juno's picture and data
appear on the screen.

GIB
Juno Skinner. Art and
antiquities dealer, specializing
in ancient Persia.

18 INT. MAIN HALL - NIGHT

Harry turns back to the fragment of frieze.
HARRY
This is Persian, if I'm not
mistaken.

JUNO
Very good. It's sixth century
B.C. Do you like the period?

HARRY
(shameless)
I adore it.

19 EXT. DOCK/ BOATHOUSE (NIGHTVISION POV) - NIGHT

Seen through the starlight scope, we see one of the guards
shining his light on the hole in the ice and then on Harry's
footprints leading to the boathouse. He calls to one of the
other guards, who comes running over.

20 INT. MANSION - NIGHT

Harry, still with Juno, hears Gib in his ear:

GIB (VO)
Harry, we got a problem. Guards
are swarming all over the dock.

Harry glances up the stairs. Khaled's SECURITY CHIEF is
gesturing to several of his men, and speaking quickly into a
walky. Three SECURITY MEN come down the stairs, scanning the
crowd. Harry turns smoothly away from them and takes Juno's
arm.

HARRY
Do you dance, Ms. Skinner?

He steers her toward the dance floor.

21 INT. VAN - NIGHT

Gib, listening, rolls his eyes. He looks through the night-
vision scope. Guards are running around outside the chateau.
Harry's stirred up the hornet's nest. Faisil is still jamming
at the keyboard.

FAISIL
Okay, files are unlocked. I'm
in. I'm down, baby. I got my
hand up her dress and I'm going
for the gold. I'm--
GIB
Just copy the goddamn files!
(into his headset)
Harry, don't be stopping to smell
the roses, now. You hear me,
Harry?

22 INT. MAIN HALL - NIGHT

Harry whirls Juno aggressively across the dancefloor. She
responds deftly. They are well matched. She parries each of
his smooth moves with a flourish. It is a contest of wills,
and a surprised appraisal for each that the other is worthy.
Juno is hot. He bends her back at the waist, then snaps her
up. She twirls into the crook of his arm. Their faces are
inches apart. Wow. The music ends and she gives him a wry
grin.

JUNO
Well. And I thought this was
going to be just another bunch of
boring bankers and oil
billionaires.

GIB (OVER)
Harry, seconds count, buddy.
Ditch the bitch, let's go.

HARRY
Unfortunately, Juno, I have a
plane to catch.

She slips a card out of a pocket in her otherwise sheer dress.
She hands it to him, maintaining eye contact. Serious sparks.

JUNO
Call me, if you'd like to see
some of my other pieces.

HARRY
I'd like that.

23 INT. VAN - NIGHT

Gib can't believe this conversation.

GIB
(to Faisil)
Son of a bitch is with her two
minutes and she's ready to bear
his children
(to Harry)
What's your exit strategy Twinkle
Toes?
24 EXT. CHATEAU/ FRONT ENTRANCE - NIGHT

Harry nods to the security men at the door as he strides
confidently through. He goes down the steps to the broad
terrace above the motor court. Behind Harry, a GUARD lowers
his walky talky and starts after him.

GUARD
May I see your invitation, sir?

Without turning, Harry slips a small flat box out of his breast
pocket. A REMOTE DETONATOR.

HARRY *
Here's my invitation. *

He pushes the button and-- *

KABOOM! The second floor office windows blow out in a fiery
explosion. Using the diversion, Harry leaps off the terrace
before the guard can open fire.

25 INT. / EXT. VAN - NIGHT

Gib sees the rising fireball a half-mile away. He starts the
van.

GIB
Aw, shit. Here we go--

26 EXT. CHATEAU AND GROUNDS - NIGHT

Harry sprints across the snow-covered lawn, through the trees.
Guards with automatic weapons run after him, firing. The snow
explodes around him with bullet hits.

TWO DOBERMANS pelt toward Harry, leaping at him in perfect
unison. He waits... and knocks their heads together in mid-
leap with a crack like a baseball bat. The dogs drop to the
snow, wobbling around like they're drunk.

As Harry sprints on, ANOTHER DOBERMAN lunges out of the bushes
ahead, leaping directly for his throat. Harry grabs the dog
and shot-puts him up into a tree without breaking stride. Dog
Fu. The dog yelps and scrambles to hold onto an icy branch,
looking down in amazement.

27 EXT. PERIMETER WALL/ MOUNTAIN SLOPE - NIGHT

Harry leaps down on the outside of the wall, hitting a snow
bank and sliding downhill. He sprints down the gentle slope
toward the highway.

Harry looks back as TWO GUARDS ON SKIS come out of a guard
station beside the main entrance.
TRACKING WITH THE SKI-GUARDS, searching through the trees with
lights. They have lost Harry. They stop. A snowbank behind
them EXPLODES as Harry leaps out. He disables them both with
vicious street-fighter moves. Harry looks upslope as--

A service gate opens in the perimeter wall and TEAMS OF
SECURITY MEN in white snow-suits pour out, some on skis, some
on SNOWMOBILES. A HELICOPTER rises over the wall in a blast of
swirling snow. Its xenon lights rake through the trees,
casting lurid wheeling shadows on the snow.

ON Harry, snapping closed the ski boots he has stolen from one
of the disabled guards. He pops the boots quickly into the
bindings and takes off downhill with one of the guard's FN FAL
rifles slung across his back.

The helicopter swoops downhill, its searchlight blazing through
the forest. Snowmobile headlights illuminate the ski-patrols
zig-zagging among the trees.

Harry slashes expertly downhill. He cuts a distinguished
figure in his black tux. Automatic weapons fire rips through
the trees from behind him. Harry is going flat-out. The xenon
light hits him. A 7.62 mm machine gun in the chopper rips the *
slope into white clouds around him. Harry slashes, turns,
weaving among the trees at breakneck speed. A snowmobile is
closing in, outflanking him. He turns toward it, suddenly.
Hits a mogul. Uses the air to slash his skis right across the
rider's face. The snowmobile crashes and tumbles into the
night.

Genres: Action, Thriller
Tone: Intense, Suspenseful, Fast-paced

Summary In this action-packed scene, Harry sneaks out of a library and encounters a guard, asking for the location of the restroom before heading to a party. There, he meets Juno Skinner and shares a dance with her. Meanwhile, his team in a van tries to unlock files on a computer, communicating with Harry through ear pieces. Harry leaves the party, causing a distraction with a remote detonator, and fights off guards and dogs. He then steals ski boots and escapes on skis while being chased by guards and a helicopter. The scene is tense and action-packed, with moments of flirtation and banter between Harry and the other characters.

Strengths

Intense action sequences
High level of tension and suspense
Engaging plot development

Weaknesses

Dialogue could be more dynamic
Character arcs could be more pronounced

General Critique

The scene is well-written and engaging, but it could be improved by adding more details to the setting and characters.
The dialogue is natural and believable, but it could be more concise in some places.
The action sequences are exciting and well-paced, but they could be more varied in terms of the types of action that take place.
The overall pacing of the scene is good, but it could be tightened up by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
The ending of the scene is satisfying, but it could be more impactful by adding a stronger emotional beat.

General Suggestions

Add more details to the setting, such as the architecture of the chateau, the decorations, and the weather conditions.
Give the characters more depth by fleshing out their backstories and motivations.
Vary the types of action that take place in the action sequences, such as hand-to-hand combat, gunfights, and car chases.
Tighten up the pacing of the scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
Add a stronger emotional beat to the ending of the scene, such as a moment of triumph, defeat, or revelation.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with action, suspense, and danger. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with a fast-paced escape sequence.

Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of an undercover agent infiltrating a party, hacking a computer, and then escaping through a snowy mountain slope is innovative and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with a clear objective for the main character, obstacles to overcome, and a high level of tension and conflict.

Originality: 9

The scene features unique action sequences, such as Harry's creative use of martial arts to defeat the guard dogs. The dialogue is sharp and witty, adding authenticity to the characters' interactions.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are engaging, especially the main character Harry, who is resourceful, quick-thinking, and skilled in combat.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character arc in this scene, Harry demonstrates his resourcefulness and quick thinking in the face of danger.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to successfully complete a covert mission while maintaining his cover and avoiding detection. This reflects his need for adventure and excitement, as well as his fear of failure and capture.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to evade the security guards and escape from the mansion without being caught. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in completing his mission and staying alive.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with the main character facing multiple obstacles and enemies while trying to complete his mission and escape.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with multiple security guards and obstacles standing in the protagonist's way. The audience is kept guessing about how Harry will overcome these challenges.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with Harry risking his life to complete his mission and escape from the pursuing enemies.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, with Harry completing a crucial part of his mission and facing new challenges.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the protagonist's escape plan. The reader is kept on edge, unsure of how Harry will evade capture.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's desire for freedom and adventure, and the security forces' need to maintain order and protect the mansion. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about authority and risk-taking.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of danger, excitement, and tension, keeping the audience emotionally engaged.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying information and building tension, but it could be more dynamic and memorable.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and high stakes. The reader is drawn into the protagonist's daring escape and root for his success.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly handled, with a perfect balance of action, dialogue, and description. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in building tension and excitement.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and dialogue. It adheres to the expected format for an action thriller screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical action sequence structure, with escalating tension and a climactic escape. The pacing and formatting are effective in building suspense and maintaining the reader's interest.

28 INT. / EXT. VAN - MOUNTAIN ROAD - NIGHT

GIB'S VAN takes an icy turn in a hairy slide.

INSIDE Gib is peering upslope, trying to see what's going on.
All he can see are lights and gunfire.

GIB
Harry, what's your twenty? I
need a position, buddy--

Suddenly a skier in a black tux launches across the road from
the slope above, RIGHT OVER THE VAN, and lands deftly
downslope.

GIB
Uh... right! I'll catch you on
the next bend.

Behind the van, pursuing guards leap across the road. Only
about half can make the jump. The rest crash horribly. The
helicopter thunders overhead.
29 EXT. MOUNTAIN SLOPE - NIGHT

Harry sees the chopper start an attack run. He comes out into
the open, going straight downhill like a rocket. The chopper
gets suckered in... trying to hit him, getting right down
behind him... and suddenly-- Harry slides to a stop in an
explosion of powder and whips up the rifle. P-P-P-POW! He
rakes a burst across the windshield. The startled pilot
swerves and-- Suddenly two tall pine trees are right in front
of him.

K-WHACK! The main-rotor blade snaps clean off and the chopper
drops into the snow, plowing into a snowbank. It slides right
to the edge of a steep ridge and stops, teetering.

Firing from a snowmobile, one of the guards puts a burst right
across Harry's path. Harry's skis are hit and he tumbles,
comes out of it... running down the hill like a juggernaut in
his heavy boots. He has lost the rifle somewhere in the snow.

Harry takes cover behind the burning wreck of the downed
chopper, which still has its engine running. The ski patrol
opens fire from upslope. Rounds whacking against the disabled
helicopter.

Harry looks down the slope and gets an idea. He jerks the
unconscious pilot out and pushes on the fuselage, rocking it.
It slips over the edge. He leaps inside as it topples forward
and slides down the slope.

30 INT./ EXT. HELICOPTER - MOUNTAIN SLOPE - NIGHT

Harry adds throttle and works the footpedals, using the tail-
rotor to steer. The chopper had snow-skids, and Harry is
skiing the damn thing down the mountain.

The copter is burning as it rockets down the slope on its *
skids. Bullets are hitting the fuselage, and everything around
it. Skiers are wiping out, hitting trees. A snowmobile hits
a rock and flies spectacularly into a ravine.

GIB (OVER)
Harry! Where are you!

HARRY
In the helicopter.

31 INT./ EXT. VAN - MOUNTAIN ROAD - NIGHT

Gib slides the van around a curve.

GIB
(deadpan, to Faisil)
He's in the helicopter.
Big is scanning above for the chopper. Then upslope he sees
the burning fuselage skiing expertly among the trees.

The chopper hits a jump and launches into the air-- It crashes
through trees, still soaring and-- Gib looks up, screaming as--
The chopper drops right toward him-- He hits the brakes and--
BLAMMO! It drops onto the road ten feet in front of the
skidding van... then slides over the edge and tumbles into a
rocky canyon where is BLOWS UP! The fireball lights up the
night.

Gib and Faisil jump out of the van. They look downslope at the
burning wreckage.

GIB
Harry? HARRY?!

HARRY
What?

Gib and Faisil spin to look behind them. Harry is lodged in
tree-branches hanging over the road. Gib hands his MP-5K *
machine gun to Faisil and reaches up to Harry, who grabs his *
hand and pulls. Harry tumbles down into the snowbank. He
stands, brushing snow off his tux, and clomps toward the van in
his ski-boots. He is completely unruffled.

HARRY
Let's go. We can still make our
flight.

As Faisil is getting into the van behind Harry, TWO GUARD TEAMS
ON SNOWMOBILES roar around the bend behind them, fish-tailing
on the ice. Faisil OPENS FIRE. One snowmobile swerves over
the embankment. The other pulls up broadside, and the guards
duck behind it. Gib floors it and the van roars down the
mountain. Faisil is still Ramboing on full-auto.

FAISIL
This is GREAT!! I never get to
shoot!

CUT TO:

Genres: Action, Thriller
Tone: Intense, Exciting, Suspenseful

Summary In this intense and action-packed scene, Gib's van slides on an icy road while pursuing guards jump over the van. Harry, a skier in a black tux, launches over the van and rakes a burst across the helicopter's windshield, causing it to crash. Harry then takes cover behind the burning wreckage and steals the helicopter, skiing it down the mountain and causing chaos and destruction. Harry crashes the helicopter in front of Gib's van, which then blows up. Harry, unharmed, emerges from the wreckage and gets into the van with Gib and Faisil, who opens fire on two guard teams on snowmobiles. The scene ends with the van driving away from the burning wreckage, pursued by the guard teams.

Strengths

High-octane action
Tension-filled suspense
Innovative escape methods

Weaknesses

Minimal character development
Limited dialogue

General Critique

General Suggestions

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is action-packed, intense, and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with its fast-paced sequence of events.

Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using a helicopter as a ski vehicle in a high-stakes chase down a mountain is innovative and engaging.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven by the intense action and the protagonist's daring escape from the pursuing guards, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Originality: 9

The scene features unique situations such as a skier in a tuxedo launching over a van and a helicopter being used as a makeshift ski down a mountain. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the unpredictability of the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Harry Tasker, showcase their resourcefulness and quick thinking in the face of danger, adding depth to the action-packed scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not significant character development in this scene, Harry's quick thinking and resourcefulness are highlighted.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to survive the dangerous situation and make their flight. This reflects their desire for self-preservation and determination to overcome obstacles.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to evade the pursuing guards and escape the mountain. This goal is directly related to the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Harry and the pursuing guards escalates to a high level, driving the intense action and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the guards providing a challenging obstacle for the protagonist to overcome. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the tension and excitement.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are evident in the life-threatening situation Harry finds himself in, adding to the intensity of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by showcasing Harry's escape and the escalating conflict with the pursuing guards.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected events, clever maneuvers, and surprising outcomes that keep the audience guessing and engaged.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's willingness to take risks and use unconventional methods to achieve their goals, and the guards' adherence to rules and order. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about authority and the importance of following the rules.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of adrenaline and tension, keeping the audience emotionally engaged in the protagonist's perilous situation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying the urgency and tension of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high-octane action, witty dialogue, and unexpected plot twists. The fast-paced sequences and suspenseful moments keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast tempo and building suspense through well-timed action sequences and character interactions.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and excitement.

32 EXT. DULLES AIRPORT - NIGHT

An American Airlines 747 touches down amid puffs of tire smoke.

33 EXT. SUBURBAN D.C. STREET - NIGHT

A NON-DESCRIPT SEDAN pulls to the curb in a neighborhood of
modest middle-income tract homes. The street is deserted. It
is 4 A.M. Gib is at the wheel, dropping Harry off at his
house.
34 INT. SEDAN - NIGHT

Harry is emptying his pockets... passport, business cards etc.
All documents under his name "Renquist". He double checks that
his pants and jacket pockets and empty. Gib fastidiously puts
the items into a plastic zip-lock.

HARRY
Empty. Go.

Gib starts handing him items from a briefcase. This should all
feel like a tired ceremony between them.

GIB
Harry Tasker wallet. Harry
Tasker passport. Plane ticket
stub, hotel receipt, Tasker. Two
postcards of Lake Geneva. House
keys. Souvenir snowing Swiss
village.

Gib snows him how is snows when you shake it up and turn it
over.

HARRY
What's this for?

GIB
For Dana, schmuck. Bring your
kid something. You know. The
dad thing.

HARRY
Got it. Nice touch. Okay, pick
me up at eight. The de-brief is
at ten hundred.

Harry opens the car door.

GIB
Hey, hey, hey... what are we
forgetting?

Gib holds up Harry's gold wedding band. Harry puts it on.

HARRY
What a team. See you at eight.

GIB
Yep. Sleep fast.

35 INT. TASKER HOUSE - NIGHT

Harry slips inside. He sets down his suitcase and walks
quietly down the hall. He pauses at a door with lurid labels
and stickers plastered all over it (Toxic Waste, STAY OUT!, IF
IT'S TOO LOUD YOU'RE TOO OLD, etc.)
Harry silently opens the door and looks in at his sleeping
daughter, DANA. She looks like an angel in the moonlight
coming in the window. In fact, she is a typical 14 year old
girl, and therefore hardly an angel. But to Harry she is
unflawed.

36 INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

Harry, undressed now, slips into bed next to... a lump in the
covers which we presume to be a human being. This is HELEN
TASKER, Harry's wife of 15 years. He kisses her on the cheek
and she stirs. She rolls toward him, giving him a sleepy hug
and a kiss.

HELEN
(a drowsy murmur)
Hi, honey. How was the flight?

HARRY
Fine, honey. Stay asleep.

HELEN
Okay.

As she drifts off, Harry puts his head on the pillow and stares
at the ceiling.

DISSOLVE TO:

37 INT. TASKER HOUSE - DAY (MORNING)

TIGHT ON SWISS VILLAGE. It is snowing.

ON DANA, reaching to the present Harry just gave her.

DANA
Hey, thanks dad. I never had one
of these.

They are in her room, which is your basic room from Hell.
Pearl Jam posters, and an unbelievable clutter of junk,
magazines and cheap jewelry. Harry kisses her on the cheek, to
which she submits dutifully. He looks at his watch and heads
for the door.

HARRY
You better hurry. You're going
to be late for school.

Harry hurries out and Dana considers the Swiss village a
moment.

DANA
Really lame.

She plonks is straight in the wastebasket.
38 INT. HALLWAY/BEDROOM/ BATHROOM - DAY

Harry strides down the hall, avoiding their small but *
incredibly ugly dog, GIZMO, who skitters past him going the *
other way.

HARRY
Dana, don't forget to feed Gizmo! *

Harry crosses the bedroom, hurrying past Helen who is clearly
rushing to get ready herself. We get our first good look at
Helen. She is wearing a terrycloth robe as she picks out an
outfit. Her hair is wrapped in a towel. To call her plain
would be inaccurate. She could be attractive if she put any
effort into it, which doesn't occur to her.

HARRY
I'm late.

HELEN
Me too.

They talk without looking at each other, the way people who
have been together a long time do.

HELEN
How'd it go at the trade show?
You make all the other salesmen
jealous?

HARRY
Yeah. You should have seen it.
We were the hit of the show with
the new model ordering system,
the one for the 680... how you
can write up an order and the
second the customer's name goes
into the computer, it starts
checking their credit, and if
they've ordered anything in the
past, and if they get a
discount...

She is already tuning him out. And it hits us: SHE HAS NO
IDEA WHAT HARRY REALLY DOES.

HELEN
(barely listening)
That's fabulous Harry.

HARRY
Yeah, it was wild.

Harry glances at her, oblivious to him and brushing her teeth.
He smiles. The best lies are told with enthusiasm.

Genres: Action, Thriller, Drama
Tone: Suspenseful, Intense, Emotional, Mysterious

Summary In this warm and familial scene, secret agent Harry returns home after a mission and is dropped off by his partner Gib. He checks on his sleeping daughter Dana and gets into bed with his wife Helen. The next morning, Harry interacts with Dana and Helen before leaving for work. However, Dana is unimpressed with the gift her father brought her from his trip. The scene takes place in the Tasker family's suburban home in Washington D.C., and ends with Harry leaving for work and Dana dismissively throwing away the gift.

Strengths

Effective balance of action and personal moments
Compelling character development
Emotional depth

Weaknesses

Some dialogue may feel repetitive or mundane

General Critique

This scene lacks a clear and engaging conflict. The main character, Harry, simply returns home from a business trip and interacts with his family, nothing of note happens in this scene. Readers want to be engaged and on the edge of their seats, but this scene falls flat.
The dialogue is bland and uninspired. The characters simply exchange pleasantries and discuss mundane topics like Harry's business trip and Dana's school schedule. There is no tension or conflict to drive the scene forward.
The setting is a typical suburban home, which is not particularly visually interesting or unique. The description of the house as "modest" and "middle-income" further reinforces the sense of mundanity.
The character development is minimal, and we don't learn anything new or interesting about the characters. Harry is portrayed as a loving father and husband, but this is not enough to sustain a compelling scene.
Overall, this scene is a missed opportunity to advance the plot or develop the characters. It feels like a filler scene that could be easily cut without losing anything of value. A good scene should move the story forward, introduce conflict, develop characters, or reveal important information, but this scene does none of those things.

General Suggestions

Consider adding a conflict to the scene. This could be something as simple as a disagreement between Harry and his wife, or a threat to his family's safety. A conflict will create tension and drive the scene forward.
Rework the dialogue to make it more engaging and revealing. The characters should talk about their feelings, motivations, and desires. This will help the audience connect with the characters and make them more invested in their story.
Introduce some visual interest to the setting. This could be done by describing the unique features of the house, or by using sensory details to create a vivid atmosphere.
Take the opportunity to develop the characters. Reveal their flaws, their secrets, and their hopes and dreams. This will make them more relatable and sympathetic to the audience.
Consider cutting the scene altogether if it doesn't serve a clear purpose in the story. Every scene should contribute to the overall plot or character development, so if this scene doesn't do either, it may be better to remove it.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances action, character development, and emotional depth, keeping the audience engaged.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a spy returning home to his family after a dangerous mission is compelling and adds depth to the character of Harry.

Plot: 8

The plot seamlessly weaves together the action-packed spy mission with the personal moments at home, creating a cohesive narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the spy genre by focusing on the protagonist's personal life and relationships. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the familiar spy narrative.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Harry's dual identity as a spy and a family man adding complexity to his character.

Character Changes: 7

Harry experiences a shift from his spy persona to a caring father and husband, showcasing his multifaceted character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain the facade of a normal family life while hiding his true identity as a spy. This reflects his need to protect his loved ones and keep his dangerous job a secret.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to successfully complete his mission and return home safely. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in balancing his spy work with his family life.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict, both in the action sequences and in the interactions between the characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, with hints of the protagonist's hidden motives and the challenges he faces in maintaining his double life. The audience is left wondering about the true nature of the characters' relationships and actions.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of Harry's spy mission and the potential risks to his family create tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing more about Harry's personal life and setting up potential conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the subtle shifts in character dynamics and the protagonist's hidden motives. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the true intentions and outcomes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's dual identity and the moral implications of his secretive work. It challenges his beliefs about honesty, loyalty, and the sacrifices he must make for his job.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions through the contrast between Harry's dangerous mission and his tender moments with his family.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and serves to reveal the dynamics between the characters, especially Harry and his wife Helen.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of suspense, emotion, and character dynamics. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's complex world and relationships, creating a sense of intrigue and investment.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension, intimacy, and exposition. The rhythm keeps the audience engaged and builds suspense for future developments.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a domestic spy drama, balancing exposition, character development, and conflict. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.

39 INT. FRONT HALLWAY, LIVING ROOM - DAY

Gib opens the door, knocks a bit, then strolls in like he lives
there. He is wearing dark Ray Bans, like he's doing a Roy
Orbison impression. Gizmo runs toward him, yapping, but Gib
gives him the evil eye.

GIB
Come any closer I'll kill you.

The dog backs up, whining plaintively. Gib throws his jacket
over the back of the couch and then, inexplicably, he takes out
a pack of CAMELS and sets it on the mantelpiece. He adjusts
its position carefully. Hmmmm.

40 INT. BATHROOM - DAY

Harry and Helen maneuver around each other expertly. She is
doing her make-up.

HELEN
The plumber came yesterday. He
said they have to dig under the
slab or something and it's going
to be six hundred dollars to fix.

Harry is not really paying attention as he ties his tie in
front of the mirror. His mind is elsewhere. He couldn't care
less about there domestic problems.

HARRY
Uh huh. Okay.

HELEN
It's not okay. It's extortion.

HARRY
What did you tell him?

HELEN
I slept with him and he knocked
off a hundred bucks.

HARRY
Good thinking, honey.

Harry kisses her on the cheek and exits.

41 INT. KITCHEN - DAY

Gib enters and pours two cups of coffee. Dana is drinking
orange juice from the bottle at the fridge.

GIB
Hi, kid.
DANA
Hey, Gib. What up?

She EXITS, eating an uncooked pop-tart. Harry comes in a
second later and Gib hands him his coffee.

HARRY
Thanks dear.

GIB
Here, check these out.

Gib hands Harry the glasses. Harry studies them, seeing the
VIRTUAL VIDEO DISPLAY inside the left lens of the Ray Bans.
Harry glances down the hall, making sure no-one is looking,
then he puts them on.

HARRY'S POV - INSIDE THE GLASSES - A black and white video
image of his own living room.

GIB
The CCD camera and transmitter
and inside a pack of smokes.
Slick little unit, huh?

IN POV we see Dana enter the living room. She looks around
carefuly, then quickly lifts Gib's jacket and slips out his
wallet. She palms two twenties in the blink of an eye and puts
the wallet back. Pro moves.

HARRY
Son of a bitch!

GIB
What?

Harry whips off the glasses and charges out of the kitchen.
Gib goes after him.

42 EXT. HOUSE - DAY

Dana comes out the front door, letting it slam behind her, and
runs to her boyfriend, TRENT, who is waiting for her in the
driveway on his idling YAMAHA. Trent is 16, dressed in grunge-
rock style, trying to look tough. Harry comes out the front
door as Trent revs the motor.

HARRY
Dana!!

She waves from the back of the bike as Trent pops the clutch
and they shoot down the driveway.

DANA
(yelling over the
engine)
Can't stop, I'm late. Bye, Dad!
43 INT. / EXT. GIB'S CAR/ STREETS OF WASHINGTON - DAY

They are driving through D.C. Harry is still shocked by his *
daughter's behavior.

GIB
Kids. Ten seconds of joy.
Thirty years of misery.

HARRY
She knows not to steal. I've
taught her better than that.

GIB
Yeah, but you're not her parents,
anymore, you and Helen. Her
parents are Axl Rose and Madonna.
The five minutes you spend a day
with her can't compete with that
kind of constant bombardment.
You're outgunned, amigo.

Gib and Harry turn onto Pennsylvania Avenue, heading toward
Lafayette Square. Capital Hill is behind them.

Genres: Action, Comedy, Family
Tone: Humorous, Casual, Light-hearted

Summary Gib, Harry, Dana, and Trent are in the house during the day. Gib pours coffee for himself and Harry, and gives Harry a pair of Ray Bans with a virtual video display. Meanwhile, Dana steals money from Gib's wallet while he's in the kitchen. Harry discovers this and charges after Gib, but Dana runs out of the house with Trent. The scene is tense and confrontational, with Harry expressing shock and disbelief over Dana's behavior. The main conflict is Dana's theft, which is not fully resolved. The visual elements include the high-tech Ray Bans and Dana stealing money. The scene ends with Dana leaving the house with Trent.

Strengths

Witty dialogue
Engaging character interactions
Innovative use of technology

Weaknesses

Low stakes
Limited exploration of themes

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear purpose. It's not immediately evident what the characters are trying to achieve or what the stakes are.
The dialogue is unnatural and expository. The characters seem to be talking at each other rather than having a conversation.
The scene is too long and meandering. It could be trimmed down to make it more concise and impactful.
The characters are not well-developed. The audience doesn't get a sense of who they are or what they want.
The setting is not described in enough detail. The audience doesn't get a sense of where the scene is taking place or what it looks like.

General Suggestions

Give the scene a clear purpose. What do the characters want to achieve? What are the stakes?
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and conversational. Avoid exposition and let the characters talk to each other.
Trim down the scene to make it more concise and impactful. Cut out any unnecessary dialogue or action.
Develop the characters more. Give the audience a sense of who they are, what they want, and why they're behaving the way they are.
Describe the setting in more detail. Help the audience visualize where the scene is taking place and what it looks like.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines action, comedy, and family dynamics to create an engaging and entertaining sequence.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of blending spy action with everyday family life is unique and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot moves forward with the introduction of the glasses and the family dynamics, setting up potential conflicts and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as hidden cameras in cigarettes and virtual video displays in glasses, adding a fresh and modern twist to the familiar family drama genre. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, enhancing the originality of the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their interactions are engaging, especially the dynamic between Harry, Helen, Gib, and Dana.

Character Changes: 6

There is potential for character growth, especially in Harry's relationship with his daughter Dana.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and authority over his family and household. He is dealing with feelings of inadequacy and frustration as he struggles to connect with his daughter and assert his parental authority.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to confront his daughter about her stealing and rebellious behavior. He wants to address the immediate challenge of her disrespectful actions and maintain discipline within the family.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There are conflicts present in the scene, such as Dana's rebellious behavior and Harry's struggle to balance work and family.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the daughter's rebellious behavior and the protagonist's struggle to assert his authority creating conflict and tension. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will be resolved.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on family dynamics and technology rather than life-threatening situations.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements like the glasses and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and revelations that occur, such as the daughter's theft and the use of hidden surveillance devices. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between traditional family values and modern influences on youth culture. The protagonist's beliefs in discipline and respect are challenged by the influence of popular culture icons like Axl Rose and Madonna on his daughter's behavior.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits some emotional response, especially in the interactions between family members, but it is not the primary focus.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals character relationships and dynamics effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, suspense, and character dynamics. The quick exchanges and unexpected twists keep the audience invested in the unfolding drama.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through quick exchanges and escalating conflicts. The rhythm of the dialogue and character movements keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding drama.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue cues. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a domestic drama, with clear character motivations and conflicts driving the narrative forward. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.

44 INT. TEKTEL OFFICES - DAY *

Harry and Gib come out of an elevator on the 12th floor. *
Behind the receptionist is a burnished metal sign which reads *
TEKTEL SYSTEMS. They cross a open floor of cubicle spaces. *
There is the hum of activity everywhere. A normal day at a *
normal business. *

SECRETARY *
Morning, Mr. Tasker. *

HARRY *
Morning, Charlene.

GIB
See, kids now are ten years ahead *
of where we were at the same age.
You probably think she's still a
virgin--

HARRY
Don't be ridiculous. She's only --
how old is she?

GIB
Fourteen, Harry.

HARRY
Right. She's only fourteen.

They go into a corridor. *
GIB
Uh huh. And her little hormones
are going like a fire alarm. I *
say even money that physicist on *
the bike is boinkin' her. *

HARRY
No way. Not Dana.

They stop at a door, like any other along the corridor. It is *
blank. *

GIB
Okay. Okay. De-nail ain't just
a river in Egypt. She's probably
stealing the money to pay for an
abortion.

HARRY
Will you just open the door! *

Gib touches a plastic card to an unmarked spot just above the *
doorknob. There is the CLUNK of a SOLENOID LOCK. *

GIB
Or drugs.

45 OMITTED *

46 INT. CORRIDOR - DAY

They enter a long corridor, which is featureless except for *
video surveillance cameras. They walk along the silence for a *
moment, then . . . *

GIB
Twenty here, fifty there... I
figured my wife's boyfriend was
taking it.

HARRY
I thought you moved out.

GIB
Well . . . I moved back in.
My lawyer said it would give me
a better claim on the house in
the property settlement. Don't
change the subject... you owe me
two hundred bucks.

They approach another door, with a (bulletproof) glass window *
in it. Beyond is a brightly lit room, with a woman sitting at
a desk... and nothing else. Gib presses a buzzer.
47 INT. OUTER SECURITY ROOM - DAY

JANICE sits at the non-descript desk like a receptionist... but
she is a highly trained security specialist. She is also hefty
through the shoulders, aggressively unattractive and utterly
humorless. She watches them on a monitor screen as they stand
outside the door. Harry and Gib appear as living X-Ray images.
Their weapons are visible in their shoulder harnesses. Janice
puts one hand automatically on the butt of a .45 tucked in a
holster riveted beneath her desk. She buzzes Harry and Gib in
with the other.

JANICE
Gentlemen, please idenitify
yourselves to the scanner.

Harry and Gib step up to the combination retinal-thumbprint-
voice scanners. Harry presses his thumb against a black-glass
plate for laser scan, and looks into the eye-piece of the
retinal scanner.

HARRY
Harry Tasker. One zero zero two
four.

GIB
Albert Gibson. Three four nine
nine one.

Their clearance appears on a monitor on Janice's desk.

JANICE
Thank you. You are cleared.

She stands to give them plastic I.D. badges which they hang
around their necks.

GIB
Janice, how many years have you
been buzzing us in?

JANICE
Ten, Mr. Gibson.

GIB
And you still reach for your
piece every time.

JANICE
Yes sir.

GIB
God! You have no idea how much
that turns me on. I've never had
the courage to say this before
but... I love you, Janice.
JANICE
Yes, sir.

He kisses her wetly on the cheek as he goes by. She does not
react is any discernible way.

They pass through a heavy stainless steel door which opens
automatically. Beyond is a kind of airlock... a SALLY PORT.
Behind a lexan shield are TWO GUARDS armed with MP5s. They nod
but do not speak at Harry and Gib pass them.

HARRY
You better watch it. She might
file on you for sexual
harassment.

GIB
In her dreams.

Genres: Action, Thriller, Comedy
Tone: Humorous, Suspenseful, Action-packed

Summary Harry and Gib, two coworkers, engage in friendly banter while navigating through the secure 12th floor of Tektel Systems. They pass by a 14-year-old secretary, discussing her potential relationships, and encounter a security specialist named Janice. Despite minor tensions surrounding a theft and personal matters, they maintain a lighthearted tone, ultimately entering a new area with armed guards.

Strengths

Engaging dialogue
Well-developed characters
Balanced mix of action and humor

Weaknesses

Some cliched elements in the dialogue

General Critique

The scene is well-written with a clear sense of setting and character interactions. However, the pacing feels a bit slow and the dialogue in the beginning could potentially be trimmed down to increase the tension and urgency of the scene.
The characters of Harry and Gib have a playful, bantering relationship, which is well-established. However, the conversation about Charlene, the 14-year-old secretary, might come off as inappropriate and uncomfortable for some readers, given the power dynamic and the nature of their comments.
The scene's primary focus is on the characters' conversation and their journey through the Tektel Systems building. While this is not necessarily a negative aspect, it might be beneficial to incorporate more visual descriptions or actions to break up the dialogue and maintain reader engagement.

General Suggestions

Consider condensing the conversation about Charlene and her potential relationships to maintain a tighter pacing and increase the tension. This will help emphasize the urgency of their mission.
Integrate more visual descriptions or actions throughout the scene to create a more immersive experience for the reader. This could include descriptions of the office environment, the employees, or the technology present in the scene.
Explore the possibility of adding a minor conflict or obstacle for Harry and Gib to overcome during their journey through the Tektel Systems building. This could help heighten the stakes and make the scene more engaging.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, with a good balance of action, humor, and suspense. The dialogue is sharp and the characters are well-developed.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an undercover mission in a corporate environment is intriguing and well-executed. The scene effectively blends action and comedy.

Plot: 8

The plot is fast-paced and keeps the audience engaged. The mission unfolds smoothly with a good mix of tension and humor.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a unique blend of humor and tension within a seemingly normal office setting, adding depth to the characters' interactions and motivations.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their interactions are entertaining. The dynamic between Harry and Gib adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

There is some character development, particularly in the dynamic between Harry and Gib. Their relationship evolves throughout the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Harry's internal goal is to maintain his cover as a normal businessman while navigating through the office building's security measures.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to gain access to a secure room within the office building.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both in terms of the undercover mission and the personal dynamics between the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing obstacles and challenges that add depth to the narrative and keep the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters involved in a dangerous undercover operation that could have serious consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by advancing the undercover mission and developing the characters' relationships.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and the hidden layers of security within the office building.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' dual identities and the tension between their personal lives and their professional roles.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, mainly driven by the tension and humor in the interactions between the characters.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals the personalities of the characters. It adds depth to the scene and keeps the audience engaged.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of humor, tension, and mystery, keeping the audience intrigued and invested in the characters' actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the reader engaged and eager to see what happens next.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear descriptions and dialogue cues that enhance the reader's understanding.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure, introducing the setting, characters, and conflict in a coherent and engaging manner.

48 INT. OMEGA SECTOR INNER SANCTUM - DAY

Gib and Harry pass through the inner door of the sally port
into a large austere atrium.

ANGLE FROM ABOVE as they cross. A huge graphic logo covers the
floor. Across the center is says OMEGA SECTOR. In smaller
print, around the perimeter, is the motto: "THE LAST LINE OF
DEFENSE".

They enter a high-tech office space. It is a maze of glass
partitions surrounding a central floor-space of cubicles.
There is a hushed quality here. People do not joke. They do
not hurry. There are a lot of computer screens displaying
information from around the world. It looks like a combination
of NASA mission control and FBI headquarters.

Fast Faisil greets them, yawning, as they pass his partitioned
cubicle.

HARRY
Come on, Fize. We're late for
our butt-grinding.

Faisil gulps his coffee and hurries after them.

49 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

A dark and severe conference room, with large-screen computer
displays at one end. Glowering at one end of the long,
polished table, is SPENCER TRILBY, the chief of Omega Sector.
Visualize a cross between Colin Powel and J. Edgar Hoover.
TRILBY
Jesus, Harry! You guys really
screwed the pooch last night.
Please tell me how I can look at
this, that it's not a total pooch-
screw.

HARRY
Total is a strong word--

GIB
There are degrees of totality.

FAISIL
It's a scale really, with
"perfect mission" on one end and
"total pooch-screw" on the other
and we're more about here--

TRILBY
Faisil. You're new on Harry's
team, aren't you?

FAISIL
Yes.

TRILBY
So what makes you think that the
slack I cut him in any way
translates to you?!

FAISIL
Sorry, sir. Uh... here's what we
got.

He hits a button and a photo of Khaled fills a wall-screen.

FAISIL
Jamal Khaled. We think he's
dirty so we raid his financial
files... Check it out...

Faisil hits some buttons and a second screen lights up with the
data for their raid.

FAISIL
One hundred million in wire
transfers from the COMMERCE BANK *
INTERNATIONAL-- *

GIB
Which we all know is a front for
certain nations to fund terrorist *
activities. Something big is *
going down --
FAISIL *
And we know that a week ago four *
MIRV warheads were smuggled out *
of the former Soviet Republic of *
Kazakhstan . . .

HARRY *
We think Khaled's group has *
bought the nukes and is bringing *
them to U.S. soil. *

TRILBY *
So far this is not blowing my
skirt up, gentleman. Do you have *
anything remotely substantial? *
Don't be pumping beets up my ass *
here. Do you have hard data? *

HARRY *
Not what you'd call rock hard. *

GIB *
It's pretty limp, actually. *

TRILBY *
Then perhaps you better get some *
... before somebody parks a car *
in front of the White House with
a nuclear weapon in the trunk!

Genres: Action, Thriller, Spy
Tone: Intense, Serious, Suspenseful

Summary Gib and Harry meet with their chief, Spencer Trilby, and new team member Faisil in the Omega Sector inner sanctum's conference room. Faisil presents evidence of a potential terrorist threat involving smuggled nuclear warheads, but Trilby is dissatisfied, urging them to find more substantial proof. The scene is serious and tense, ending with Trilby challenging the team to find solid evidence.

Strengths

Intense action sequences
Sharp dialogue
High-stakes mission setup

Weaknesses

Limited character development in this specific scene

General Critique

The scene is well-written with a clear sense of setting and character interactions. However, there are a few areas that could be improved for clarity and pacing.
The dialogue in the scene is witty and engaging, but it can be a bit overwhelming with multiple characters speaking in quick succession. Consider breaking up the dialogue into smaller exchanges or adding brief pauses for better pacing.
The scene introduces a new character, Faisil, who seems to have a similar sense of humor to Harry and Gib. However, his introduction could benefit from a more explicit explanation of his role on the team and his personality. This would help the reader better understand his character and his relationship with Harry and Gib.
The scene's main conflict revolves around Trilby's dissatisfaction with the team's work. While this conflict is established early on, it is not fully resolved by the end of the scene. Consider adding a clearer resolution or call-to-action to give the scene a stronger sense of closure.
The scene's setting is well-described, but the visual elements could be used more effectively to enhance the story. For example, the large-screen computer displays and surveillance cameras could be used to provide more context or to create tension. Consider incorporating these visual elements more explicitly into the scene.

General Suggestions

Break up the dialogue into smaller exchanges to improve pacing and clarity.
Explain Faisil's role on the team and his personality more explicitly to help the reader better understand his character.
Add a clearer resolution or call-to-action to give the scene a stronger sense of closure.
Incorporate the visual elements of the setting more explicitly into the scene to enhance the story.
Consider adding more sensory details to the setting to create a more immersive experience for the reader.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, and sets up a high-stakes mission effectively.

Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a covert operation to prevent a terrorist attack involving nuclear warheads is gripping and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate, with layers of deception and danger, driving the narrative forward with urgency.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the typical 'government agency investigating a terrorist threat' scenario by incorporating witty dialogue and unique character dynamics.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and play their roles effectively in the high-stakes mission.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character arcs in this scene, the characters' actions and decisions reveal their motivations and skills.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove themselves to their superior and redeem themselves after a previous mistake. They want to show that they are capable and competent in their work.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to present evidence of a potential terrorist threat involving nuclear weapons to their chief, Spencer Trilby, and convince him of the seriousness of the situation.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is intense, with high stakes and multiple layers of deception and danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Trilby challenging the team to provide concrete evidence and questioning their competence, adding to the conflict and suspense.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high, involving the potential detonation of nuclear warheads on U.S. soil, adding urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing a crucial mission and escalating the stakes.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected humor in tense situations, the shifting dynamics between characters, and the uncertain outcome of the investigation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between taking action based on limited evidence versus waiting for concrete proof before acting. Trilby challenges the team to provide hard data before making any decisions.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes tension and concern for the characters' safety and the potential consequences of failure.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and drives the plot forward while revealing character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty banter between characters, the high-stakes nature of the situation, and the fast-paced dialogue that keeps the audience on edge.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and tense, with quick dialogue exchanges and escalating tension that keeps the audience engaged.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a tense, high-stakes government agency meeting, with clear character introductions, conflict, and resolution.

50 INT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

It is the interior of a huge law office. Helen works there as
a paralegal. She is going to the break room for coffee with
her friend, ALLISON, a secretary. Allison is black, younger
then Helen, and still single.

HELEN
I mean, it's not like he's saving
the world or anything. He's a
sales rep for Chrissakes.
Whenever I can't get to sleep I
ask him to tell me about his day.
Six seconds and I'm out. But he
acts like he's curing cancer or
something.

ALLISON
So I guess you didn't get away *
for the weekend after all? *

HELEN
Are you kidding? Harry had to go
out of town.

ALLISON
I'm shocked.
HELEN
Yeah. You know Harry.

Helen's nerdy boss BRAD, comes up behind her, scowling.

BRAD
Helen, have you pulled those
files yet? I need them by lunch.

HELEN
I won't let you down, Brad.

Brad leaves.

HELEN *
(under her breath) *
You little pencil-neck. *
(to Allison) *
So... yo... sista! D'you do *
anything interesting?

ALLISON *
Oh... Eric and I drove up to this *
little romantic inn, and... *
pretty much lapped champagne out
of each other's navels for two
days.

HELEN
You bitch.

ALLISON
Girlfriend, you got a man. You *
just have to take control . .
. set up the right mood. *

HELEN
Harry only has two moods: busy... *
and asleep.

ALLISON
Then you better do something to *
jumpstart that man's motor. You
know... wake up the sleeping
giant of his passion.

They both crack up at that one.

51 INT. OMEGA SECTOR (DATA CENTER) - DAY *

Harry meets up with Gib and Faisil coming from the ANALYSIS *
Department. *

HARRY
What'ya got?
The following will play as they wind their way through the rows *
of data-analysis workstations.

FAISIL
(handing Harry a
printout)
Here, check this out--

GIB
It's a two million dollar
disbursement from Khaled to...
Juno Skinner.
(Harry raises an
eyebrow)
Uh huh. The babe at the party. *

HARRY
It doesn't mean anything. She
buys antiquities for Khaled.

GIB
Nope. The art buys are in a
separate ledger.

FAISIL
And this is a little above market- *
rate for the horizontal bop, even *
for a total biscuit like her.

HARRY
Alright, I want a complete workup
on her. Do we know where she is?

FAISIL
Uh huh. Right here in river
city.

HARRY
You're kidding.

FAISIL
She lives in Rome, but she does
stuff here the Smithsonian and
has a lot of diplomatic
connections, so she has offices *
here. *

Gib starts tangoing with an imaginary partner.

GIB
Sounds like a job for a
specialist.

52 INT. TASKER HOUSE/ KITCHEN - NIGHT (10PM)

DING! Harry opens the microwave as his dinner finishes re-
heating. He sits down alone at the kitchen table and pulls the
Saran-wrap off the plate. Another solo supper two hours late.
His motions are so automatic we gather that this is the rule,
not the exception. Helen comes in from the living room,
holding the suspense novel she is reading.

HELEN
I need you to talk to Dana. The
vice principle called and she cut
class again this afternoon.

HARRY
I'll handle it.

Harry picks up his porkchop and goes out the back door.

53 EXT. DRIVEWAY - NIGHT

A basketball hoop is bolted to the garage and Dana is shooting
baskets in the driveway. Moths orbit the outside floodlights.
She sinks one, dribbled back to the foul line. Harry comes up
behind her and lifts the ball out of her hands as she stands
poised to shoot. She turns.

HARRY
Dana, Mr. Hardy called. Why
weren't you in class today?

DANA
He lies! I was there! I was in
the nurse's office, cause I had
a headache.

HARRY
You seem fine now.

DANA
Great! You're going to believe
that fat dweeb Mr. Hardy over
your own daughter.

HARRY
I'm not sure what to believe
anymore, young lady. You never
used to lie to me. But lately
you don't seem to know the
difference between right and
wrong.

Dana studies something really fascinating at the end of a
fingernail.

HARRY
Dana, are you listening to me?

DANA
Yeah, Dad.
HARRY
You know you can always talk to
me. Right? Whatever is going on
in your life, your mom and I'll
understand.

DANA
Okay, Dad.

HARRY
You'd tell me if there was
something wrong, wouldn't you,
pumpkin?

DANA
I'm not a pumpkin! Okay?!! Do
I look even remotely like a
pumpkin?! I'm not a muffin, or a
cupcake or a honeybear either!
And you don't understand anything
Dad...

Dana runs into the house, agent. Hold on Harry, superagent, *
unable to comprehend the mind of a 14-year-old. He looks up to *
see Helen at the backdoor. *

HELEN *
(macho voice)
"I'll handle it".

CUT TO:

54 OMITTED *

Genres: Action, Thriller, Drama, Comedy
Tone: Suspenseful, Humorous, Serious

Summary Helen, a paralegal, vents to her friend Allison about her husband Harry's arrogant behavior. Meanwhile, Harry is preoccupied with work discussions and later confronts their daughter Dana about cutting class. The scene unfolds in various locations, including an office building, a data center, a kitchen, a driveway, and a house interior, with conflicts arising from Helen's dissatisfaction, Brad's work interruption, and Harry's disagreement with Dana. The scene ends with Helen mocking Harry's earlier statement, highlighting the strained relationship between them.

Strengths

Blend of action and drama
Engaging dialogue
Character development

Weaknesses

Some cliched dialogue
Slight predictability in plot twists

General Critique

The dialogue is a bit forced and unnatural. It doesn't sound like the way people actually talk.
The scene is too long and doesn't really advance the plot. It could be shortened without losing any important information.
The characters are not very well-developed. We don't really get a sense of who they are or what they want.
The scene doesn't have a clear focus. It jumps around from topic to topic without really developing any of them.
The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. It leaves the reader with a feeling of 'what just happened?'

General Suggestions

Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and realistic.
Shorten the scene to make it more focused and to improve the pacing.
Develop the characters more by giving them more backstory and motivation.
Give the scene a clear focus by choosing one main topic to develop.
Rewrite the ending of the scene to make it more satisfying and to leave the reader with a sense of closure.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends action, drama, and humor, keeping the audience engaged with a mix of suspenseful moments and family dynamics.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a secret agent balancing his dangerous missions with family responsibilities is intriguing and adds depth to the character.

Plot: 7

The plot advances with the revelation of a potential terrorist threat and the introduction of a new character, Juno Skinner.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on workplace dynamics and personal relationships, with authentic dialogue and relatable character interactions. The writer's voice adds originality to familiar themes.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with Harry showing his skills as a secret agent and his struggles as a father, while Gib provides comic relief.

Character Changes: 6

There is a potential for character growth, especially for Harry and Dana, as they navigate their relationship and the challenges they face.

Internal Goal: 8

Helen's internal goal in this scene is to navigate her personal relationships and work responsibilities. She struggles with her romantic life and her boss's demands, reflecting her desire for balance and fulfillment in both areas.

External Goal: 7

Harry's external goal is to investigate a disbursement and gather information on a woman named Juno Skinner. This reflects his immediate challenge of solving a mystery and potentially uncovering a larger scheme.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict, both in the action-packed sequences and the emotional tension between Harry and his daughter.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts arising from personal relationships, work responsibilities, and investigative tasks that challenge the characters' beliefs and actions.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the mission and the personal stakes for Harry as a father add intensity to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new plot elements and escalating the tension with the terrorist threat.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable in terms of character interactions and dialogue, adding a layer of intrigue and humor to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between Helen's view of her romantic relationship and Allison's advice on taking control and setting the right mood. This challenges Helen's beliefs about her partner and her approach to relationships.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits emotions through the family drama and the high-stakes mission, creating a sense of suspense and empathy for the characters.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging, mixing humor with serious moments, especially in the interactions between Helen and Allison.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its relatable characters, witty dialogue, and realistic workplace dynamics that draw the audience into the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, revealing character dynamics, and transitioning between different locations and interactions.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following industry standards for screenplay format.

Structure: 7

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character introductions, dialogue exchanges, and scene transitions.

55 INT. / EXT. LIMO - DAY (NEXT MORNING)

A BLACK LIMO cruises through a morning fill of bright promise.

INSIDE, Gib is at the wheel in a chauffeur's uniform. He talks
to Harry, riding in the back, without turning.

GIB
It's all set up... ghost phones
and fax, all the usual stuff.
You have a suite at the Marquis
Hotel under Renquist. Okay,
reality check. Go.

HARRY
Hi, I'm Harry Renquist. I own a--
56 INT. JUNO'S OFFICES - DAY

HARRY
--corporate art consulting
company in San Francisco. I have
an appointment with Ms. Skinner--

Harry is extending his business card to the receptionist as
Juno breezes into the lobby from a corridor. She is dressed
sharply and looks as stunning as Harry remembers.

JUNO
Harry! I thought I might see you
again. I just didn't except you
to call so soon.

Juno lingers a second or so long on the handshake.

HARRY
Well, what's the point of
waiting?

JUNO
I agree.

There is definitely unholy magnetism here. She indicates for
Harry to walk with her and leads him through the suite of
offices. There are mounted fragments of ancient sculpture in
niches on either side, and beautifully restored mosaics and
tablets of hieroglyphics mounted on the walls.

JUNO
So your clients want something
for the lobby of their new
corporate headquarters?

HARRY
That's right. They want
something... dramatic. I spoke
to a number of people who said
you're the one to see.

Juno leads Harry through a door into a large warehouse area.
There is a bustle of activity as workmen unpack crates. An
overhead crane is used to move huge stone pieces. There are
massive columns, and statues two stories high. Even the entire
facade of a tomb.

JUNO
So what did these... people...
say about me exactly?

They stroll amongst the statues, as coveralled workmen move
around them with tools, scaffolding, pneumatic equipment. Most
of the workers are middle-eastern.
HARRY
Let's see... that you can read
ancient Sanskrit without having
to sound out the words. And that
other dealers and archeologists
don't like you much.

JUNO
Those wimps. It's because I use *
my diplomatic contacts to export
cultural treasures from countries
which tell them to take a hike.
(yelling in Arabic to
two workmen)
I told you to move those crates
an hour ago. Come on guys, let's
get going.

We realize that A WORKMAN is watching them intently from
nearby. He is an intense looking MIDDLE-EASTERN MAN in his mid-
thirties.

JUNO
You see, a lot of these pieces
are from ancient Persia.
Unfortunately, ancient Persia is
twenty feet under the sand of *
Iran, Iraq and Syria. Not the
most popular places lately. So
I've had to become an expert in
international diplomacy.

Juno stops and looks at Harry. Her smile indicates the
possibility of more than just business.

JUNO
Well, do you see anything you
like, Mr. Renquist?

CUT TO:

Genres: Action, Thriller, Mystery
Tone: Suspenseful, Intriguing, Flirtatious

Summary Harry, accompanied by his driver Gib, visits his former flame Juno, who owns a corporate art consulting company, in her office warehouse. The warehouse is filled with ancient sculptures and artifacts from various countries. A middle-eastern workman watches them intently as Harry and Juno discuss the desire of his clients for a dramatic piece of art for their new corporate headquarters. The scene is professional with a hint of flirtation and tension, and it ends with Juno asking Harry if he sees anything he likes.

Strengths

Engaging plot
Sharp dialogue
Intriguing concept

Weaknesses

Lack of emotional depth
Limited character development

General Critique

The dialogue between Harry and Gib in the limo is somewhat flat, considering the serious nature of their mission.
When Harry meets Juno, the conversation seems a bit awkward and unnatural, especially when he stumbles over his introduction.
The description of the warehouse and the workmen feels a bit generic and lacks detail to make it more visually interesting.
The revelation that the workman is watching Harry and Juno intently comes across as a bit forced and convenient for the plot.
Juno's explanation about her diplomatic contacts feels somewhat contrived and could use more context to make it more believable and engaging.
The scene ends rather abruptly, leaving the reader with a feeling of incompleteness, and it would benefit from a stronger closing line or action to transition to the next scene smoothly.

General Suggestions

Consider adding more tension or urgency to Harry and Gib's conversation in the limo by incorporating stakes or consequences related to their mission.
Revise Harry's introduction to make it smoother and more professional, reflecting his role as an art consultant.
Enhance the description of the warehouse by providing specific details about the artifacts, the scale and grandeur of the space, and the movements of the workmen to create a more vivid setting.
Expand on the workman's character and motivations by hinting at his possible involvement in the plot or his relationship with Juno.
Strengthen Juno's explanation about her diplomatic contacts by providing specific examples or anecdotes to make it more tangible and relatable.
Add a stronger closing line or action to the scene, such as a lingering look between Harry and Juno or a subtle shift in body language to create a sense of anticipation or intrigue.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-paced, engaging, and sets up a complex web of relationships and motivations. The blend of action and mystery keeps the audience hooked.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of combining espionage with art dealing and international diplomacy is innovative and adds depth to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging, with Harry's undercover mission intersecting with Juno's world of art dealing and international intrigue.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the corporate art consulting setting, with a focus on cultural artifacts and international diplomacy. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.

Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed, with Harry and Juno's dynamic adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions between Harry and Juno hint at potential developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to impress Juno and potentially form a personal connection with her, as indicated by their flirtatious interaction and Juno's suggestive smile.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to secure a deal with Juno for corporate art consulting services, as he discusses the client's need for dramatic artwork for their new headquarters.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a subtle but palpable conflict between Harry and Juno, adding tension to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, with conflicting values and motivations driving the characters' actions.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes of espionage and international intrigue add tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements and deepening the mystery surrounding the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the characters' motivations and the ethical conflicts that arise.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethical implications of cultural artifact acquisition and international diplomacy, challenging the protagonist's values and beliefs.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene focuses more on intrigue and action than emotional depth.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and engaging, especially in the interactions between Harry and Juno.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the dynamic interactions between the characters, the intriguing setting, and the ethical dilemmas presented.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue, action, and scene descriptions to maintain the audience's interest.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.

57 INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY

Harry, Gib and Fast Faisil are in a luxury suite at the MARQUIS
HOTEL. It is a corner suite, with a spectacular view of the
city. Faisil is routinely sweeping the room for bugs with an
electronic DETECTOR.

HARRY
She's importing stuff from all
over the mid-east.

GIB
She could be moving money, guns.
Anything.
FAISIL
And the second you left there, we
started getting calls to the *
ghost numbers. They were
checking out the Renquist front.

HARRY
Okay. Let's step up the
surveillance on her. Put on two
more guys.

58 INT. JUNO'S WAREHOUSE - DAY

WE FOLLOW the WORKMAN we saw watching Harry earlier. He
catches up with Juno, who is going through the doors to the
office area. His name is MALIK.

MALIK
Ms. Skinner? Can I speak to you
for a moment please, in your
office?

His manner is self-effacing. Humble. He doesn't meet her
gaze. She nods and they go into the private office.

59 INT. JUNO'S OFFICE - DAY

MALIK comes in behind her and closes the door. The moment they
are away from public observation, his manner changes. His
humble posture straightens and his eyes flash intensely as he
approaches her. Without warning he SLAPS HER HARD ACROSS THE
FACE.

MALIK
You stupid undisciplined bitch!

Her jaw clenches but her reaction is surprisingly submissive.

JUNO
It's a good thing you pay me
well.

MALIK
Do you realize that there are
surveillance teams watching this
place right now? Your phones are
almost certainly tapped. And you
are busy laughing and flirting
like a whore with this Renquist,
who may be a--

JUNO
No. He checked out okay--

Malik slaps her again.
MALIK
That is for interrupting.
(He backhands her)
And that is for being wrong. We
do not tolerate mistakes.

Juno bites her lip.

JUNO
What do you want me to do?

MALIK
Find out who this Renquist it.

JUNO
How?

MALIK
Use the gifts that Allah has
given you.

60 INT. TEKTEL SYSTEMS OFFICES - DUSK *

The phone rings on the desk of CHARLENE, Harry's secretary at *
Tektel Systems, the permanent front-company for Omega Sector. *

SECRETARY
Hello, Tektel Systems. Mr. *
Tasker's office.

61 INT. TASKER HOUSE - DUSK

Helen is in the kitchen, showing Dana how to put icing on a
large birthday cake.

HELEN
Hi, Charlene? It's Helen. Is he
there?

62 INT. TEKTEL OFFICES - DUSK

Charlene doesn't hesitate a microsecond.

CHARLENE
Harry's in a sales meeting, Mrs.
Tasker. Let me try him in there.
Hold please.

She punches a key, engaging a digital scrambler and connecting
to--
63 INT. SUITE AT THE MARQUIS - DUSK

A PHONE RINGS. Gib opens his briefcase and looks at the
console of the cellular scrambler-phone inside. The display
reads TEKTEL/CALLER ID POS -- TASKER, HELEN. *

GIB
It's Helen. *

Harry picks up the phone. INTERCUT THE FOLLOWING WITH HELEN.

HARRY
Hi honey. What's going on? *

HELEN
Sorry to bother you in a meeting,
but you have to promise me that *
you'll be home at eight. I don't *
want Dana and I sitting here by
ourselves like we were last year.
You promise?

HARRY
(laughing)
Baby, I said I'd be there.
Really. Trust me.
(the room phone RINGS)
Gotta go, honey. Bye bye.

RING. Harry raises an eyebrow as he answers.

HARRY
Hello? Oh, Juno, hi.
(pause)
Well sure. I can be there in
twenty minutes.

Harry hangs up. Gib, checking his watch, has a look like he's
got a bad gas pain.

HARRY
What? It's on the way. She says
she's got something for me.

GIB
Yeah, right.

64 INT. JUNO'S WORKSHOP - NIGHT

A WORKMAN guides Harry through the maze of statuary. He points
toward the back of the warehouse and then leaves. Harry is
left alone in the vast space.

Only a few lights are on, rendering the place somewhat Gothic.
Harry strolls in the direction the workman pointed. Ahead of
him, is the huge facade of a royal tomb. There is a flickering
light inside. A shadow moves across the wall in the entryway.
HARRY
Hello?

He enters the stone doorway of the tomb. FOLLOWING HARRY as he
steps into the inner chamber. There is an oil-lamp burning on
a stone sarcophagus, the only light. The room appears empty.

REVERSE ON HARRY. Behind him a figure emerges from a shadowed
alcove. It is Juno. She looks ethereal in the strange light.

JUNO
Hello, Harry.

Harry whips around, startled.

JUNO
Do you like my tomb? The museum *
financing fell out, so I thought *
your clients might be interested.

HARRY
It's certainly... dramatic.

JUNO
Especially in this light. This
is the only light they had then, *
so I like to study it this way.
I love this place. I love all
ruins.

HARRY
Is that why you got into this
business?

Juno turns to him in the flickering half-light. She moves
closer. Her eyes seem to glitter.

JUNO
I've always been a collector at
heart. When I see something I
want, I have to have it.

HARRY
And you have a reputation as
someone who gets what she wants.

She is very close to him. Her eyes seem to glitter in the
light from the oil lamp. She is unbelievably beautiful.

JUNO
Yes, I do.

65 INT. GIB'S CAR - NIGHT

Gib is sitting in the car, in the shadows, up the street...
with his earphone in place. Listening.
GIB
Harry, this is your conscience
speaking...

66 INT. TOMB - NIGHT

Juno picks up the lamp and walks along the wall, holding it up
so that the flickering shadows seem to bring the bas-relief
figures to life. Stone faces shift and change, stone eyes
move.

JUNO
Look at this. People who dies
twenty centuries ago.

Juno presses her cheek against the cold stone. She runs her
fingers slowly across the figures. It is strange and erotic.

JUNO
They breathed and loved and wept,
just like us. And now their
ideals, their religions, their
social orders... are gone like
mist. What did any of it matter?

She crosses to Harry.

JUNO
I only hope they lived well.
That they got what they wanted.

She puts her hands on him and pulls herself close. It is a
hypnotic moment.

JUNO
Getting what you want is the only
important thing.

She kisses him, very lightly, with infinite sensuality.

67 INT. GIB'S CAR - NIGHT

GIB
Harry? Listen to the following
code word. Helen. H-E-L-E-N.
Now, do you want me to I beep
you?

68 INT. TOMB - NIGHT

Harry breaks the kiss... slowly pulling back.

HARRY
Yes.
JUNO
Yes what?

HARRY
Uh, yes, it is important.

Juno is moving in for a more passionate lip-lock when-- BEEP
BEEP BEEP!! Harry pulls his beeper off his hip and looks at
it. The moment is spoiled.

HARRY
Uh, it looks like I have to run.
I'll call you tomorrow. Your
proposal is very interesting.

69 INT. GIB'S CAR - NIGHT

Gib lets out a big exhale of relief. He looks at his watch.

70 INT. TASKER HOUSE - NIGHT

Helen and Dana are sitting expectantly at the dining room
table. There is a big cake, and presents piled on the buffet.
The food is getting cold. Helen looks at her watch.

DANA
See.

71 INT./EXT. GIB'S CAR - NIGHT

Harry is changing clothes, getting ready to be Harry Tasker *
again, as Gib drives through evening traffic. Gib keeps
checking the rearview.

GIB
We have a friend. Five cars
back, inside lane. They've been *
on us since we left Juno's. *

Harry adjusts the passenger side mirror.

HARRY
Station wagon?

GIB
Uh huh. Want me to lose them?

HARRY *
No. We need this lead. *
(into his Rover) *
Unit Seven. *

UNIT SEVEN (FAISIL) *
Seven here.
HARRY
(into Rover) *
I need you at the Georgetown mall *
in three minutes. *

SEVEN
Copy that. We're rolling.

GIB
Helen's going to be pissed.

HARRY
See, that's the problem with
terrorists. They're really
inconsiderate when it comes to
people's schedules.

Genres: Action, Thriller, Drama
Tone: Suspenseful, Intense, Erotic, Tense, Dramatic

Summary In this scene, Harry, Gib, and Fast Faisil discuss surveillance on Juno in a luxury hotel suite, while Malik confronts Juno in her office. Tension arises between the parties involved due to the surveillance and Juno's carelessness, which results in a slap from Malik. Amidst this tension, Harry and Juno share a sensual moment before Harry is called away on duty. The scene takes place in various settings, including a luxury hotel suite, Juno's warehouse, and Tektel Systems offices. The tone is tense and suspenseful, with moments of sensuality and intimacy between Harry and Juno. The dialogue revolves around surveillance and the potential threat that Juno poses. The scene ends with Harry leaving Juno's warehouse and getting beeped, indicating that he needs to leave.

Strengths

Engaging dialogue
Tension-building interactions between characters
Intriguing setting in a warehouse filled with ancient artifacts
Revealing character dynamics and motivations

Weaknesses

Slightly predictable reveal of Juno's true intentions
Some cliched elements in the dialogue

General Critique

The scene is well written and engaging. It does a good job of building tension and suspense, and the dialogue is natural and believable.
One potential criticism of the scene is that it is a bit too long. It could be shortened by cutting some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
Additionally, the scene could be more visually interesting. The setting is described as a luxury suite, but the scene could be more visually appealing if it included more details about the room and the characters' surroundings.
Overall, the scene is a solid piece of writing. With a few minor tweaks, it could be even better.

General Suggestions

Cut some of the unnecessary dialogue and action to make the scene shorter.
Add more details about the room and the characters' surroundings to make the scene more visually interesting.
Consider adding a twist to the scene to make it more surprising or suspenseful.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a mix of suspense, romance, and danger that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The interaction between Harry and Juno adds depth to the characters and advances the plot effectively.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a secret meeting in a warehouse filled with ancient artifacts adds a unique and intriguing element to the scene. The tension between Harry and Juno, as well as the revelation of Juno's true intentions, adds depth to the storyline.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with the revelation of Juno's true intentions and the escalating tension between the characters. The scene sets up future conflicts and developments effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique situations, such as the protagonist's dual identity as a spy and family man, and fresh approaches to espionage tropes. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Harry and Juno are well-developed in this scene, with their interactions revealing new layers to their personalities. Juno's mysterious and dangerous nature contrasts with Harry's more straightforward approach, creating an interesting dynamic.

Character Changes: 7

Both Harry and Juno undergo subtle changes in this scene, with Juno's true nature being revealed and Harry's perception of her shifting. The dynamic between the characters evolves, setting the stage for future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain his cover while investigating a potential threat. This reflects his need to protect his family and country, as well as his fear of failure or being exposed.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to gather information on the mysterious Renquist and prevent any potential threats to national security. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in his role as a spy.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with tension building between Harry and Juno as their true intentions are revealed. The power dynamics and manipulation add to the conflict, creating a sense of danger and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals, moral dilemmas, and external threats that challenge the protagonist and keep the audience invested in the outcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene, with the danger and manipulation surrounding Juno's true intentions adding a sense of urgency and risk to the situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, with new revelations about Juno's intentions and the escalating tension between the characters. The scene sets up future conflicts and developments effectively.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists, moral ambiguity, and shifting power dynamics between characters that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between loyalty to one's country and personal relationships. The protagonist must balance his duty as a spy with his commitment to his family, leading to moral dilemmas and ethical considerations.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, especially in the interactions between Harry and Juno. The tension, sensuality, and danger evoke a range of emotions in the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is engaging and helps to build tension between the characters. The exchanges between Harry and Juno reveal their motivations and add depth to their relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, high stakes, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted, with a balance of tension-building moments, character interactions, and plot developments that maintain the audience's interest and drive the story forward.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions that enhance readability and visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful thriller, with a clear setup, escalating tension, and a cliffhanger ending that propels the narrative forward.

72 INT. STATION WAGON - NIGHT

There are three men in the car. YUSIF and MAHMOUD are in the
front, with Mahmoud driving. In the back, shadowed, we can
just make out ABU MALIK. Yusif is massively built, with a body
like a beer-keg. Mahmoud is skinny and intense.

73 OMITTED *

74 INT./EXT. GIB'S CAR - MALL - NIGHT

Harry puts his SUB-VOCAL TRANSCEIVER into his ear canal.

HARRY
Test two three.
(Gib nods, receiving)
Pull over here.

Gib pulls the car to the curb near the mall entrance. Half a
block behind them the station wagon does the same. Harry slips
on the virtual-image sunglasses and gets out of the car.

75 EXT. MALL - NIGHT

Harry pauses on the sidewalk a moment to light a cigarette. He
coughs slightly.

GIB
(in his ear)
You don't smoke, dickhead.

Harry lets his hand drop to his side, holding the pack of
cigarettes casually. He turns his hand. The tiny lens in the
cigarette pack glints.
POV VIDEO SCREEN --inside the left lens of the glasses. The
camera in the cigarette pack reveals Yusif and Mahmoud getting
out of their cars, crossing the street half a block away.

HARRY strolls into the mall. It is an open promenade design,
with a moderate crowd of shoppers and movie-goers. Harry
watches in the glasses as Mahmoud and Yusif slip through the
crowd behind him.

GIB (VO)
What's the plan?

HARRY
(apparently mumbling to
himself)
Gonna try to get a closer shot of *
Beavis & Butthead. *

76 INT. / EXT. GIB'S CAR - NIGHT

Gib looks in the rearview, studying the car behind him.

GIB
There's another guy, still in the
car.

HARRY
(on radio)
Stay on him.

All Gib can see is a silhouette in the car. A soft cherry
glow, the tip of a cigarette in the dark. No features.

77 EXT. MALL - NIGHT

Harry turns off the main concourse, into a narrower walkway
between shops. In the video-glasses he watches Yusif and
Mahmoud, who have split up to look less conspicuous, as they
track him through the pedestrian traffic.

78 INT. / EXT. GIB'S CAR - NIGHT

Gib in on the cellular phone.

GIB
Helen? Hi, it's Gib. Harry
remembered something he left at
the office. You know Harry.

As he is talking he sees that a bus has blocked his view of the
station wagon.
79 INT. HARRY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

She sighs fatalistically.

HELEN
Yeah, Gib. I know Harry.

Helen hangs up the phone just as Dana strides through the room,
putting on a jacket and heading for the front door.

HELEN
Where are you going?

DANA
Out. If Dad doesn't care enough
about us to be here on his
birthday, then why should I care?
I'm going to a movie.

HELEN
No you're not. You're going to
stay here until your father gets
home and have cake!

DANA
Mom, wake up! Dad barely knows
we exist.

We see the hurt in her eyes. She doesn't hate her father. She
just misses him.

HELEN
That's not true, honey--

DANA
It is true! He doesn't know
anything about me. He still
thinks I'm like ten years old or
something. As long as I just
smile and say yes to whatever he
says, like his good little
fantasy daughter, he thinks
everything's fine. But it's not
fine. Nothing's fine.

Dana runs out the kitchen by the other door. Helen runs
after her.

HELEN
Dana! Come back here!

The slamming door is her answer.

Genres: Action, Thriller, Drama
Tone: Tense, Emotional, Suspenseful

Summary In this tense and suspenseful scene, agents Harry and Gib conduct nighttime surveillance on three men (Yusif, Mahmoud, and Abu Malik) at a mall, using advanced technology to communicate and observe. Simultaneously, at Harry's home, his daughter Dana, feeling disappointed and hurt by her father's absence on her birthday, engages in a heated argument with her mother, Helen. The conflicts of family drama and the challenges of covert operations create a powerful undercurrent in this scene.

Strengths

Blend of action and drama
Emotional depth
Strong character development

Weaknesses

Some cliched dialogue
Slightly predictable plot twists

General Critique

The scene is poorly paced. The first part of the scene is slow and tedious, with Harry and Gib discussing their surveillance plan and Harry lighting a cigarette. The second part of the scene is more exciting, with Harry tracking Yusif and Mahmoud through the mall, but it feels rushed and underdeveloped.
The dialogue is not very good. It's mostly exposition, and it doesn't do much to develop the characters or advance the plot.
The characters are not very interesting. Harry is a stereotypical action hero, and Gib is a stereotypical sidekick. Yusif and Mahmoud are one-dimensional villains.

General Suggestions

Start the scene with something more exciting, like Harry and Gib tracking Yusif and Mahmoud through the mall. Then, cut back to the conversation in the car to provide context and exposition.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging. Add some humor and personality to the characters.
Give the characters more depth and motivation. What are their goals? What are their fears? What makes them tick?
Add some more action to the scene. A car chase or a shootout would help to ramp up the excitement.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends action-packed sequences with emotional family dynamics, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journeys.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an undercover operation intertwined with personal family conflicts adds complexity and depth to the scene, making it compelling and intriguing.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a balance of action, suspense, and emotional moments that drive the story forward and maintain audience interest.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on surveillance and espionage, blending high-tech gadgets with personal drama. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.

Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined, with clear motivations and conflicts that add depth to the narrative. The emotional struggles of the daughter and the undercover mission of the main character create a compelling dynamic.

Character Changes: 7

The daughter's emotional outburst and decision to leave home show a significant change in her character, adding depth to her arc.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain his cover and complete his mission without being detected. This reflects his need for secrecy, competence, and possibly a desire for success in his line of work.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to gather information on Yusif and Mahmoud's activities. This reflects the immediate challenge of surveillance and potentially stopping a threat.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both external (the undercover operation) and internal (family dynamics), creating a sense of tension and urgency.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges from both external threats and internal conflicts, adding complexity and tension to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the undercover operation and the personal stakes of the family drama raise the tension and keep the audience engaged.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by advancing the undercover operation plot and deepening the emotional conflicts within the family.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters, the unexpected emotional conflict with the daughter, and the potential danger of the surveillance mission.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's duty to his job and his personal relationships, as seen in the subplot with his daughter feeling neglected by him. This challenges his values of duty and family.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional struggles of the daughter and the high-stakes nature of the undercover operation evoke strong emotions in the audience, enhancing the impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the characters, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of action, suspense, and personal drama. The stakes are high, and the characters' conflicts are relatable and compelling.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and tense, with quick cuts between different locations and characters, building suspense and keeping the audience engaged.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a suspenseful thriller genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure of setting up the surveillance mission, introducing the characters' goals and conflicts, and building tension towards a climax.

80 EXT. MALL - MEN'S ROOM - NIGHT

Yusif sees Harry, up ahead, enter a public restroom. He
signals Mahmoud with his eyes and the two of them close in on
the restroom.

81 INT. / EXT. GIB'S CAR - NIGHT

Gib hangs up the car-phone. Ten the bus blocking his view
finally pulls away and Gib see that the station wagon is
empty. No silhouette.

GIB
Oh shit.
(into his headset)
Harry, I lost the third guy.
Harry?

82 INT. RESTROOM - NIGHT

Harry can't answer because Mahmoud just entered the room behind
him. Harry is at one of the urinals, apparently taking a leak.
Mahmoud goes to the mirror. Starts combing his hair. He
doesn't much notice the pack of Camels sitting on the counter
nearby. Harry is whistling. Shaking himself.

HARRY'S POV - In the video glasses Harry sees himself and
Mahmoud. Yusif comes into the restroom, seemingly ignoring
both Harry and Mahmoud, as if heading for the stalls. As he
passes behind Harry he reaches into his coat--

Harry spins lightning fast. He knocks away the SILENCED PISTOL
aimed at the back of his head with a sweeping block, capturing
Yusif's arm in an arm-lock. The shot goes wide, shattering a
urinal.

Harry slams his palm into Yusif's face like a piledriver, and
spins him against the steel stalls. The silenced pistol goes
skittering across the floor.

Mahmoud whips a pistol out of his waistband. Still holding the
bear-like Yusif, Harry draws his Glock so fast we can barely
see him move. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Three .45 slugs go through
Mahmoud's chest, shattering the mirror behind him. He flops on
his butt, slumping against the wall.

Yusif, who is easily Harry's size, bellows and grabs his gun
arm. They smash against the walls, struggling for the gun.
Yusif, locked to Harry, hurls him against the stalls. They hit
a locked door, which pops open, banging inward.

Yusif drives Harry to the floor. Harry's head is between the
shoes of an OLD GUY sitting on the can, who looks down
uncomprehendingly at him.
Yusif slams Harry's gun hand repeatedly against the doorframe
of the stall. He twists Harry's wrist brutally. He even
pounds against Harry's hand with his knee. The old guy winces.
That's got to hurt. Harry cries out in pain and the gun drops.
Yusif reaches for it, but Harry kicks it under the stalls.

He punches Yusif in the face, driving him back. They grapple,
spinning. Harry drives Yusif's head into the counter. Then he
elbows him in the throat and they crash together on the filthy
floor. Harry grabs Yusif's hair and pounds his face repeatedly
against the rim of a urinal. In case you haven't noticed, this
is a messy, nasty fight. Survival is like that.

Yusif sags into submission. Harry pulls a nylon zip-strip out
of his pocket and uses it like hand-cuffs, securing Yusif's
wrists.

83 EXT. MALL - NIGHT

Gib is running full out, drawing his gun. He has one finger
jammed in his ear. His gut is doing the rumba as he runs.

GIB
Harry? Harry, you copy?! Shit!

84 INT. RESTROOM - NIGHT

Harry is pulling Yusif to his feet when the door bangs open
behind him. He turns, thinking it is Gib. It's not. Malik
raises a FULL-AUTO BERETTA 92-F and opens fire. Harry spins
Yusif between him and the machine pistol. Yusif's beer-keg
body stops the spray of 9mm slugs form hitting Harry long
enough for him to dive into a stall.

Malik hoses the room with the Beretta. The metal stalls are
riddled with hits.

HARRY is in the stall with the old guy, who's just sitting
there. The walls of the stall are pimpling with the hits on
the far side. Harry reaches under the stall, retrieving his
Glock.

MALIK goes empty. Harry hears that and pops out, cranking off
rounds--

Malik is a blur going out the door, as Harry's shots shatter
tiles on the doorframe. Then silence.

HARRY
(to the old guy)
Sorry.
85 EXT. MALL - NIGHT

MOVING WITH MALIK, who backs rapidly away from the restroom,
reloading.

GIB (OFF)
FREEZE!!!

Malik spins to see Gib nearby, going into a firing stance
behind a light-standard. The terrorist doesn't hesitate. His
Beretta ROARS at 900 rounds per minute.

Gib tries to hide behind the light-standard, which is about
half as wide as he is. Shots hit all around him, shattering
window glass behind him. His stomach sticks out from behind
the pole. He sucks it in. Now his butt is sticking out on the
other side. Shots clang into the steel column, and riddle
everything behind him.

GIB
WRONG! THIS IS NOT GOOD!

Just when it looks like Gib is going to get a 9mm tummy tuck,
Malik turns and sprints away, through shocked pedestrians.
Harry runs out of the restroom, trying for a shot, but there
are too many people in the line of fire and Malik knows it.

HARRY
Get back to the car!

Gib nods and heads the other way as Harry takes off after
Malik. Malik is fast and vicious. He hurls people out of the
way, sending shoppers sprawling. Harry is ruthless in his
pursuit. They pound through the mall and out onto the street--

86 EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Malik sprints straight into traffic. A car screeches, not
stopping in time... Malik goes right over the hood. Harry
leaps over the hoods of cars after him. Malik sees Harry
coming after him like a juggernaut.

He turns and sees a MOTORCYCLIST coming down the street,
accelerating from a right-turn. Malik runs at him, clothes-
lining him right off the bike. The terrorist picks up the
nimble little Kawasaki 250, which is still running, and leaps
on. He pops the clutch and takes off. Harry pounds after him
like a locomotive. He sees Malik turn, taking the bike path
into a large PARK. Harry cuts into the park on a diagonal.

87 EXT. PARK - NIGHT

ON HARRY, running. Ahead is a MOUNTED COP. Harry doesn't
break stride, heading right for the cop on the horse. The cop
turns, surprised, a split second before-- Harry pulls him off
the horse and slams him to the ground (he's wearing a helmet).
HARRY
Federal Officer in pursuit of
suspect! Sorry.

Harry is in the saddle and galloping after Malik before the cop
can get his gut out of the holster to stop him.

MALIK roars through the park on the Kawasaki. He looks back,
amazed to see Harry charging after him on a horse. They
scatter joggers and bicyclists, people walking their dogs.

TRACKING WITH THEM as they rocket through the park. Malik
leaves the winding path and goes straight through the trees.
Harry charges through some rollerbladers who go sprawling.
Malik fires his Beretta straight back at Harry, emptying it.
He drops the pistol and crouches over the bike, twisting the
last bit of throttle out of it. They are going flat out,
through the trees, in a kinetic blur.

88 EXT. STREET - NEAR MALL - NIGHT

Gib, panting and heaving, pulls his car into traffic. The Unit
Seven car pulls out as well, up the block.

GIB
Harry, what's your twenty?

89 EXT. PARK/ STREETS - NIGHT

Harry is legging the police horse hard. He has his reigns in
one hand, his Glock in the other. It's the wild west.

HARRY
Westbound in the park... suspect
is on a motorcycle... he's going
to come out on Franklin. Hang
on--

Harry leaps a park bench like he's in a steeple chase.

HARRY (CONT'D)
I want you on 14th in case he
turns south. And I need Seven on
the north side to box him in.

90 INT. /EXT. GIB'S CAR - NIGHT

Gib is weaving furiously through traffic. He slides into a
turn.

GIB
Copy that.
HARRY
And make it fast. My horse is
getting tired.

ON GIB, mouthing "Your horse?"

91 EXT. STREET - NEXT TO PARK - NIGHT

Malik explodes through the bushes and out onto the street.
Cars skid around him, out of control. He turns south. Weaving
through traffic. Harry leaps the hedgerow behind Malik and
gallops among the spun-out cars. He goes right over the hood
on one which is blocking his path. The driver ducks as the
horse's hoof cracks the windshield.

92 EXT. STREET/ HYATT REGENCY HOTEL - NIGHT

Up ahead traffic is stopped, jammed tight at a light. Malik
goes into the oncoming traffic lanes, which are empty. Gib's
car slides around the corner in a blare of horns and comes
barrelling down the street toward him. Gib cranks the wheel
the slides the car broadside, blocking both lanes. Malik locks
up the brakes and the bike slides to a stop. Then the
terrorist pops the clutch and wheels the bike around-- Jumping
the curb and going straight at the entrance of THE HYATT
REGENCY HOTEL.

Bellmen and guests scatter as the bike roars right at them.
The sliding doors and opening for a bellman coming out with
bags and Malik blasts past him into the lobby.

HARRY ducks, galloping through the doors after him.

Genres: Action, Thriller
Tone: Intense, Suspenseful, Fast-paced

Summary Harry defends himself against attackers Yusif and Mahmoud in a mall restroom, killing Mahmoud and subduing Yusif. Gib, outside, is shot at by Malik but escapes. A shootout between Harry and Malik ensues, leading to Harry commandeering a horse to chase Malik through a park.

Strengths

High-octane action
Tension-filled suspense
Engaging character dynamics

Weaknesses

Limited character development
Minimal dialogue

General Critique

The fight scene in the restroom is too long and repetitive. It would be more effective if it were shorter and more to the point.
The dialogue between Harry and Gib is too technical and jargon-filled. It would be more accessible to readers if it were simplified.
The scene lacks tension and suspense. There is no real sense of danger or urgency.
The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. It would be more effective if it were more dramatic and climactic.
The scene is too focused on action and violence. It would be more effective if it included more character development and emotion.

General Suggestions

Shorten the fight scene in the restroom and make it more to the point.
Simplify the dialogue between Harry and Gib.
Increase the tension and suspense by adding more danger and urgency.
Give the scene a more dramatic and climactic ending.
Include more character development and emotion.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with adrenaline-pumping action and suspense, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a high-speed chase involving multiple modes of transportation in a crowded urban setting is executed with precision and creativity.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as the protagonist engages in a life-threatening pursuit of a dangerous terrorist, showcasing his determination and skills.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its unique approach to depicting a violent confrontation in a public setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and realism to the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Harry and Malik, display courage, resourcefulness, and cunning in the face of danger, adding depth to the action-packed sequence.

Character Changes: 7

Harry undergoes a transformation from a skilled agent to a relentless pursuer, showcasing his determination and resolve.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is survival and self-preservation. Harry is focused on overcoming the immediate threat to his life and ensuring his own safety.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to apprehend the terrorists and prevent further violence or harm. Harry is actively pursuing the suspects and engaging in a physical confrontation to achieve this goal.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Harry and Malik escalates to a life-or-death struggle, raising the stakes and intensifying the action.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing formidable challenges and obstacles that test his skills and determination. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the confrontation will be resolved.

High Stakes: 10

The high stakes of capturing a dangerous terrorist and preventing a potential attack drive the intense pursuit, adding urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing the lengths Harry is willing to go to stop a terrorist threat, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the dynamic nature of the confrontation. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the use of violence and force to achieve justice or protect others. Harry's actions raise questions about the morality of his methods and the ethical implications of his pursuit.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, excitement, and suspense, drawing the audience into the heart-pounding chase.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but impactful, conveying urgency and tension during the intense chase.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high level of tension, fast-paced action, and dynamic character interactions. The audience is drawn into the intense confrontation and invested in the outcome of the characters' actions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a high level of tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome of the characters' actions.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, concise action descriptions, and effective use of visual cues to enhance the reader's understanding of the action.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations, well-paced action sequences, and effective use of dialogue to drive the narrative forward.

93 INT. HOTEL - NIGHT

Acres of marble and red carpet. Liveries porters. Guests
dressed for evening, the men in suits, diamonds on the women.
And sudden pandemonium as Malik roars through the lobby, with
Harry charging along behind him. Malik guns it across the
lounge, knocking over tables. He gets air at the top of the
steps going up to the RESTAURANT.

Harry swerves to avoid a panicking guest and finds himself
careening toward the JAZZ QUARTET at a full gallop. He gathers
the animal and LEAPS (in glorious SLOW MOTION) over the
bassist, who is diving for the carpet. Harry and horse land
deftly and then he urges his mount right up the steps after
Malik.
94 INT. HOTEL RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Malik roars between the tables, looking around wildly for a way
out. Harry charges in, ducking to avoid the chandelier.
Waiters, trays, dinners, tables... everything seems to be
flying at once as people dive out of the way.

95 INT. HOTEL - MAIN HALL - NIGHT

MALIK skids out into the main hall by another door, and sees--
the ELEVATORS. The door is just closing on one of them. He
guns it and slides through the doors.

HARRY RIDES out of the restaurant in time to catch a glimpse of
Malik as the doors close.

96 INT. SCENIC ELEVATOR - NIGHT

Harry canters the horse into the next elevator, which has just
been boarded by an older couple. He has to practically lie
down on the horse to fit through the door. The animal barely
fits, nose to tail, in what turns out to be--

A GLASS ELEVATOR with a view of the whole atrium of the hotel
as it rises, right to the top of the building. Harry looks
through the glass at the elevator car next to him, fifteen feet
away. Malik is inside, punching a button. He glances up and
sees Harry. There eyes meet for a moment, just before Malik's
car ascends rapidly. Malik's malevolent glare is etched on
Harry's retinas.

The older couple is jammed against the side-wall by Harry's
panting, snorting horse. It clomps around the tight elevator.
The woman is trying to crawl between her husband and the wall.

HARRY
Can you just press the top floor,
please.

The man nods mutely and complies. Their elevator takes off,
rising after Malik's.

97 INT. HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT

Gib runs in with Faisil and Keough. They follow the path of
destruction, growing more and more amazed. Gib yells to one of
the porters.

GIB
The guy on the horse?!

The porter points at the elevators.
98 INT. / EXT. SCENIC ELEVATORS - NIGHT

Harry has slid off the horse to get next to the control panel.
He can look up at an angle and see Malik in the car above him.
His thumb hovers over the emergency stop button. If Malik gets
out at any floor, Harry will have a moment to react and stop.
Malik can look down and see this. He knows Harry's got him.
He just keeps going, floor after floor, using the time to
think.

The older woman is still just staring, trying not to breathe.
The horse flicks her in the face with his tail.

99 INT. /EXT. ROOFTOP - NIGHT *

The rooftop has a spectacular view of the city. TRACKING WITH *
Malik as he comes out of the elevator, rides to the far edge of *
the roof and slides to a stop. He looks down twenty stories.

THE SECOND ELEVATOR arrives. The doors part and Harry comes *
out, with his Glock poised and ready. He sees Malik revving *
his bike. The terrorist brodies the bike into a fast one-
eighty and speeds back toward the edge of the roof. Amazingly,
he increases speed, ROARING RIGHT OFF THE EDGE, ARCING THE
BIKE SUICIDALLY OUT INTO SPACE!

Harry rides to the edge in time to see Malik, on his bike,
CLEAR A 60 FOOT JUMP and SPLASH INTO THE ROOFTOP POOL of a *
LOWER BUILDING next to the hotel!

Harry is out of control now, seeing the guy setting away. He
wheels his mount and charges across the roof to get some
running space. Then he turns again, back toward the edge Malik
jumped from. He kicks the horse's flanks and yells HAAHH!!
The horse's hoofs thunder on the roof as they go full tilt
toward the edge.

But a horse is not a motorcycle. It is slightly smarter. It
slams its front hoofs down together, stopping suddenly. Harry
goes right over its head. He flies forward, almost going right
off the roof. He slams to the edge, with his legs dangling
over, holding onto a piece of pipe with one hand. His Glock
tumbles down into darkness.

Harry sees Malik far below, climb out of the pool, running to
the roof door of the other building. Getting away. Harry
clambers up onto his own roof, breathing hard. He walks over
to the horse.

HARRY
What the hell were you thinking?
We had the guy and you let him
get away.

He looks into the horse's innocent brown eyes. Pats its neck
fondly.
HARRY
What kind of cop are you?

Genres: Action, Thriller
Tone: Intense, Suspenseful, Dramatic

Summary In a chaotic scene taking place at night, Malik and Harry charge through a hotel lobby and restaurant on horseback, causing chaos. Malik manages to escape on his motorcycle from the rooftop, while Harry's horse refuses to jump, causing Harry to fall off the edge and barely hang on. The scene is visually chaotic, and the tone is tense with a hint of humor. The main conflict of Malik's escape and Harry's pursuit is not resolved, and the scene ends with Malik escaping and Harry hanging on for dear life.

Strengths

Intense action sequences
High-stakes chase
Visual spectacle

Weaknesses

Limited character development
Minimal dialogue

General Critique

The action sequence is well-written and exciting, but it could be improved by adding more details to the setting and characters.
The dialogue is minimal and could be expanded to give the characters more depth and motivation.
The scene lacks a clear resolution, as Malik escapes and Harry is left dangling from the roof.

General Suggestions

Add more details to the setting, such as the layout of the hotel and the surrounding area.
Give the characters more depth by adding their thoughts and feelings to the dialogue.
Provide a clear resolution to the scene, such as Harry catching Malik or Malik escaping and Harry being forced to retreat.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is action-packed, suspenseful, and visually engaging, with high stakes and intense moments that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a rooftop chase involving a horse, a motorcycle, and a glass elevator is innovative and adds excitement to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the intense chase between Harry and Malik, driving the action forward and keeping the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene features a unique and original approach to a chase sequence, with the use of a horse in a hotel setting adding a fresh and unexpected element to the action. The dialogue and character interactions feel authentic and engaging.

Character Development

Characters: 8

Harry and Malik are well-developed characters who drive the action with their motivations and actions during the chase.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not significant character development in this scene, Harry's determination and resourcefulness are highlighted through his actions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to capture the antagonist, Malik, and prevent him from escaping. This reflects Harry's desire to uphold the law and bring criminals to justice.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to apprehend Malik before he can escape the hotel. This goal is driven by the immediate circumstances of the chase and the need to prevent further criminal activity.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Harry and Malik escalates throughout the scene, leading to a high-stakes chase with intense action.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with obstacles and challenges that create uncertainty and drive the action forward. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will overcome the obstacles.

High Stakes: 10

The high stakes of the rooftop chase, including life-threatening situations and the pursuit of a dangerous criminal, add tension and excitement to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by escalating the conflict between Harry and Malik and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected use of a horse in a hotel setting and the high-energy chase sequence. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the characters will navigate the obstacles.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between Harry's commitment to justice and Malik's disregard for the law. This conflict challenges Harry's beliefs and values as a law enforcement officer.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, tension, and excitement in the audience, creating an emotional impact through the high-stakes chase.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but effective in conveying the urgency and tension of the chase.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and dynamic character interactions. The audience is drawn into the chase and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome of the chase.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, with a well-defined goal, obstacles, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.

100 INT. TASKER HOUSE - NIGHT

Helen is asleep at the dining room table next to a half-eaten
cake and some melted ice cream. His unopened presents are
piled at one end of the table. She raises her head as Harry
enters sheepishly.

HARRY
Look, I know you're upset. I'm
really sorry, honey. I raced
home as quick--

HELEN
It's okay, don't bother, Harry.

He goes to her and puts his arms around her. He is tender with
her. He wishes he can tell her the truth.

HARRY
I'm sorry. Thank you for the
party.

HELEN
Yeah. It was great.

Helen finds a smile for him somewhere. She really does love
him, though more and more often lately she finds her heart in
pain.

HELEN
Let's go to bed, Harry. There's
only one present you have to open
tonight.

She grins and arches one eyebrow meaningfully.

101 INT. BEDROOM / BATHROOM - NIGHT

Helen walks Harry to the edge of the bed and sits him down.
She puts her hand on his chest and pushes, causing him to lie
back.

HELEN
Don't move. I'll be right back.

She turns on the stereo. A Kenny G disc she put in there
earlier. Soft tenor sax flows around the room. Helen enters
the BATHROOM and shuts the door partway. She opens a cupboard
and quickly pulls out some things she hid there earlier. A
bottle of champagne on ice. Two glasses. Some trashy
lingerie.
HARRY
Come on to bed, you don't have to
brush your teeth.

HELEN
I'll just be a second. So what
happened tonight at the office?

HARRY
I couldn't believe it. I go back
to get this report I need, right,
and the phone is ringing, so like
a bonehead I answer it--

Helen is hurrying to put on the unfamiliar lingerie. G-string
panties and low-cut bra. She holds up the garter belt, turning
it backward and forward, trying to figure out which way it
goes.

ON HARRY, yawning. Lying with the ease of years of practice.

HARRY
It's the big client in Japan,
and it's the middle of the
morning there and their whole
system is crashed... this guy's
having a meltdown--

HELEN
(keeping him talking)
What'd you do, honey?

HARRY
Well I pull out the manual on
their setup, which is the new 680
server...

Helen is pulling up the black stockings. She fastens the
garters to the tops. Her features are a scowl of
concentration. She is very earnest in her preparations.

HARRY (CONT'D)
...and I'm troubleshooting it
with them over the phone...
talking to a translator, right,
who's getting half of it wrong...
it was unbelievable... really
wild.

HELEN
(putting on black
pumps)
It sounds wild. So now you're a
big hero, right? For fixing
their system.
HARRY
(faintly)
Uh huh.

HELEN
My husband the hero.

Red lipstick. Then she puts a little perfume on her wrists.

HELEN
I'll be right there, honey. Just
a minute.

Harry doesn't answer. Helen puts a little perfume down the
front of her panties.

HELEN
Just a second.

Helen quickly pours two glasses of champagne. Then she slinks
around the doorframe, making her entrance. She looks like a
living 900 number. Helen stands before the bed, looking down,
holding the champagne glasses.

ON HARRY: sprawled on the bed, fully clothed, snoring softly.
A little bit of drool is coming out the side of his mouth.

HOLD ON HELEN, all dressed up with no place to go. She gazes
down at him, her shoulders slumping.

HELEN
Happy Birthday, Harry.

She sighs deeply and downs her champagne in one long gulp.

CUT TO:

Genres: Drama, Romance
Tone: Tender, Reflective, Disappointment

Summary Helen, still hurt from Harry's absence at her birthday party, tries to reconnect with him through intimate activities. However, her efforts are in vain as she finds Harry asleep after she prepares herself in sexy lingerie. The scene takes place at night, in the Tasker house, and is filled with emotional and intimate tones, ultimately ending with disappointment as Helen realizes her attempts have failed.

Strengths

Emotional depth
Realistic portrayal of relationship dynamics
Strong character development

Weaknesses

Lack of external conflict
Limited plot progression

General Critique

The scene is well-written with good pacing and dialogue, but it could benefit from a clearer indication of the subtext and underlying emotions.
The tension between Harry and Helen is palpable, but it could be more explicit. Consider adding more body language or dialogue that hints at their marital issues.
The scene's focus on Helen's attempts to seduce Harry could be expanded to include more of her thoughts and feelings. This would help the reader better understand her motivations and make the scene more impactful.
The scene's transition from the previous action-packed sequence could be smoother. Consider adding a brief transition or reflection to help the reader adjust to the change in tone and pace.

General Suggestions

Consider adding more subtext to the dialogue, such as Harry's thoughts about the party or Helen's thoughts about their relationship.
Expand on Helen's attempts to seduce Harry by including more of her thoughts and feelings. This could include her fears about their relationship, her desires, or her frustrations.
Add more body language or gestures that hint at the tension between Harry and Helen. This could include a lingering touch, a tense silence, or a guarded expression.
Consider adding a brief transition or reflection at the beginning of the scene to help the reader adjust to the change in tone and pace. This could include a line of dialogue, a thought, or a description of the setting.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and unspoken tension between the characters, creating a poignant and relatable moment.

Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a failed birthday surprise and the underlying issues in the relationship is well-executed, providing depth to the characters and their dynamics.

Plot: 7

While the plot focuses on a simple interaction between the characters, it delves into their emotional state and sets the stage for future developments in their relationship.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to the familiar theme of marital discord, with authentic dialogue and nuanced character actions that add originality to the narrative.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Helen's disappointment and Harry's obliviousness portrayed convincingly, adding layers to their personalities.

Character Changes: 7

While there is no significant change in the characters' behavior, the scene sets the stage for potential growth and development in their relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain a facade of happiness and love towards her husband, despite feeling increasingly unhappy and hurt in their relationship.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to surprise her husband with a romantic evening for his birthday, only to be met with his disinterest and lack of engagement.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' unspoken feelings and disappointments.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing emotional obstacles and challenges in her relationship with her husband, creating uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are more personal and emotional in nature, focusing on the characters' feelings and relationship rather than external threats or conflicts.

Story Forward: 6

The scene does not significantly move the main plot forward but provides crucial insights into the characters' emotional state and relationship dynamics.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected outcome of the protagonist's romantic gesture and her husband's reaction, adding a layer of tension and surprise.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's desire for love and connection conflicting with her husband's indifference and lack of appreciation for her efforts.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, highlighting the pain and longing felt by the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the underlying emotions and unspoken tension between the characters, enhancing the scene's impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional tension between the characters, the unexpected turn of events, and the relatable themes of love and communication.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually, allowing for emotional moments to resonate, and maintaining a sense of anticipation.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear dialogue formatting and scene descriptions that enhance visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions that drive the narrative forward.

102 EXT. STREET/ NEAR HIGH-SCHOOL - DAY

It is the following morning. Harry and Gib are staked out
watching the front of Dana's school. Actually, Harry is staked
out, scanning the crowds of kids with binoculars.

Gib just keeps looking at his watch. He picks up a cellular
phone and pretends to call the office.

GIB
Hey, did that guy Harry chased
last night call in to give
himself up yet? Cause apparently
that's the only way we're going
to catch the son of a bitch --

HARRY
(not listening)
Okay. Here she comes.
103 EXT. STREET - DAY

HARRY'S POV THROUGH BINOCULARS - We see Dana come out to the
curb and meet Trent, who pulls up on his bike. She gets on
behind him, adjusts her walkman headphones over her ears and he
launches out into traffic.

104 INT. HARRY'S CAR - DAY

Harry, who is behind the wheel, pulls out after her. Trent
weaves radically through the light traffic, going in between
the cars.

HARRY
Look at the way the little punk
is driving. He's all over the
place. Look-- he hasn't
signalled once.

GIB
Goddammit! That's outrageous.

Harry speeds up. Somebody honks as he cuts them off to stay
with Trent.

105 EXT. MOTORCYCLE - DAY

ON DANA AND TRENT as she looks back and sees Harry following
her. She is mortified that her father is actually tailing her

DANA
Oh my God! I think that's my
dad!

TRENT
Hang on!

Trent downshifts and punches it. The nimble little bike
screams as it zips between cars.

106 INT. HARRY'S CAR - DAY

HARRY
(clenching his jaw)
So, you wanna play huh? You
little--

GIB
(rolling his eyes)
That's it. Get 'im Harry
(he draws a pistol)
We'll teach that little puke not
to signal.
107 EXT. MOTORCYCLE

BACK ON TRENT, who's actually a really good rider. He zig-zags
through the cars, cutting between them at the next light where
Gib and Harry get blocked. He cuts a sharp right turn and
disappears.

108 INT. HARRY'S CAR - DAY

Harry is stuck in stopped traffic. He pounds the wheel in
frustration.

GIB
(exploding with
laughter)
Ha! The little prick ditched
you! That is so goddamn funny.

HARRY
Son of a bitch!

GIB
Can we go to the office now, Mr.
Superspy?

CUT TO:

109 INT. OMEGA SECTOR / I.D. ANALYSIS ROOM - DAY

Harry is sitting at a computer workstation, lit by the monitor
screen. Gib and Faisil look on as he clicks through HEADSHOTS
of known terrorists. CLICK. CLICK. CLICK. Harry is very
focussed. He stops. He goes back one. Studies the face.

110 INT. ANALYSIS ROOM - TIGHT ON THE SCREEN - DAY

A defiant looking Syrian with a full beard.

HARRY holds up his hand, blocking out the beard, concentrating
on the eyes.

HARRY
That's him.

Genres: Action, Thriller, Drama
Tone: Intense, Suspenseful, Humorous

Summary In the morning near Dana's high-school, Harry and his nonchalant partner, Gib, stake out for a suspect. Harry spots Dana with Trent on a motorcycle and starts following them, causing Dana to be embarrassed. Trent skillfully evades Harry, leaving him frustrated and angry. This creates tension between Harry and Dana, and ultimately results in Trent and Dana escaping. The scene is tense and frustrating for Harry, while Dana is embarrassed and Trent seems excited by the chase.

Strengths

Blend of action and humor
Character dynamics
Tension and urgency

Weaknesses

Limited character development for side characters

General Critique

The scene lacks tension and conflict, which is crucial for maintaining audience engagement.
The dialogue between Harry and Gib feels forced and lacks depth, making their interaction seem superficial.
The actions of the characters, especially Gib pulling out a gun in response to a minor situation, feel unrealistic and out of character.
The transition between the high-stress situation of tailing Dana and the casual banter in the car is jarring and disrupts the flow of the scene.
The scene could benefit from more subtlety in showing Harry's concern for his daughter and the conflict between his job and personal life.

General Suggestions

Introduce more stakes and urgency in the scene by highlighting the emotional turmoil Harry faces in balancing his work and family life.
Focus on developing the relationship between Harry and Dana to add depth to their dynamic and make the audience care more about their interactions.
Consider rewriting the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities and motivations.
Build up the tension gradually throughout the scene to create a sense of suspense and keep the audience invested.
Explore different ways to show Harry's internal conflict and the consequences of his actions to make the scene more impactful.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends action, humor, and character dynamics to create an engaging and entertaining sequence.

Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a father chasing his daughter and her boyfriend adds tension and humor to the scene, showcasing Harry's protective instincts and determination.

Plot: 8

The plot of Harry trying to catch his daughter and her boyfriend adds urgency and stakes to the scene, driving the action forward.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar detective chasing a suspect scenario but adds a fresh twist with the protagonist's personal connection to the case. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the story.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Harry and Gib, are well-developed and their interactions add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it does showcase Harry's protective instincts and determination.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect his daughter and catch the suspect. This reflects his deep desire to keep his family safe and uphold justice.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to catch the suspect who is involved in criminal activities. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in his job as a detective.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Harry and his daughter, as well as the chase with her boyfriend, creates tension and excitement.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the suspect outsmarting the protagonist and creating obstacles in the chase. The audience is left unsure of the outcome, adding suspense to the scene.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes of Harry trying to catch his daughter and her boyfriend add urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting Harry's personal life and relationships, adding depth to his character.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the chase sequence and the characters' reactions. The audience is kept on their toes as the situation unfolds.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a conflict between the protagonist's duty as a detective and his role as a father. This challenges his beliefs about justice and family.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from frustration to amusement, keeping the audience engaged.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and witty, reflecting the characters' personalities and adding to the humor of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the tension and humor of the characters' interactions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of action and dialogue. The rhythm of the chase sequence builds tension and keeps the audience engaged.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and action descriptions. The dialogue is properly formatted and easy to follow.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined action and dialogue sequences. It maintains a good pace and builds tension effectively.

111 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Harry slaps photos down in front of Trilby.

HARRY
Abu Kaleem Malik.
GIB
(reading from a file)
Hardcore, highly fanatical, ultra- *
fundamentalist. Linked to *
numerous car-bombings, that cafe *
bomb in Rome, and the 727 out of
Lisbon last year. Major player. *

FAISIL *
Now he's formed his own splinter
faction called CRIMSON JIHAD.

GIB *
Guess he thought the other
terrorist groups were too warm
and fuzzy for his taste.

FAISIL
They call him "The Sand Spider". *

TRILBY
Why?

FAISIL
(he shrugs)
Probably because it sounds scary. *

TRILBY
This is impressive, gentlemen.
Of course, it would have been
even more impressive if you
actually knew where he was.

HARRY
We'll get him.

TRILBY
Yes. You will.
(meaning-- you damn
well better)
Harry, I still want you in
charge, even though your cover is
blown. Just keep a low profile.
(he slaps a newspaper
on the table)
I generally prefer it when my
covert operations don't make the
front page.

The agents look at the headlines: WILD WEST CHASE. Harry and
Gib wince.

112 EXT. HELEN'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

Harry and Gib pull to the curb in front of the building.
GIB
What's going on?

Harry gets out of the car and turns back, leaning in the door
to talk to Gib.

HARRY
Look, uh... I've got to talk to
Helen about this thing with Dana.
I'm just going to run in and see
if she can get away for lunch.

GIB
You want me to just hang-- ?

HARRY
Just hang a minute.

GIB
I'll just hang then, shall I?

113 INT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

Harry enters the office of Helen's firm. He stops at
reception.

RECEPTIONIST
Hello Mr. Tasker. Just a second,
I'll buzz Helen.

HARRY
No. No, I'd like to surprise
her. Thanks, I know where her
desk is.

He smiles and breezes past her before she has a chance to
object.

114 INT. HELEN'S OFFICE - DAY

TRACKING WITH HARRY as he moves through the offices. He passes
through a library-like maze of records stacks. Through them he
can see Helen at her desk. But as he approaches, still
concealed, ALLISON puts a call on hold and whips around to
Helen.

ALLISON
Helen!
(grinning
conspiratorially)
It's your mystery man.

HELEN
Simon? Ohmygod.
Helen, normally the image of composure, goes suddenly fluttery
and nervous as a high-school girl. She takes the phone,
turning away from Allison.

HELEN
Hello, Simon?
(pause)
It's all right. There's no one
around.

Helen glimpses Allison with her ears cocked and gives her a
scowl and a shooing motion. Allison turns away, grinning.

Genres: Action, Thriller, Drama
Tone: Intense, Suspenseful, Serious, Emotional

Summary Harry and other agents discuss the new target, terrorist leader Abu Kaleem Malik, while Trilby expresses her displeasure about Harry's cover being blown. Harry sneaks past the receptionist to surprise Helen in her office, where she is expecting a call from someone named Simon. The scene takes place in a conference room and then moves to Helen's office building, with a serious tone but also moments of humor. The conflict of Harry's blown cover is not resolved, and another conflict arises as Helen is surprised by Harry's visit while expecting Simon's call. The scene ends with Harry's surprise visit to Helen's office.

Strengths

Intense action sequences
Emotional depth
Revealing character dynamics

Weaknesses

Some cliched dialogue
Slightly predictable plot twists

General Critique

The scene provides important background information about the main antagonist, Abu Kaleem Malik, but lacks a sense of urgency or tension.
The dialogue feels a bit exposition-heavy and could be more engaging and dynamic.
The interaction between Harry, Gib, and Trilby could benefit from more emotional depth and conflict to make it more compelling.
The transition from discussing the terrorist to Harry visiting Helen's office feels a bit abrupt and could be smoother.

General Suggestions

Consider adding more suspense or conflict to the discussion about Abu Kaleem Malik to make the scene more engaging.
Work on creating more natural and dynamic dialogue that reveals character traits and relationships.
Introduce more emotional stakes or personal conflicts between Harry, Gib, and Trilby to increase tension in the scene.
Find a way to smoothly transition from the discussion about Malik to Harry's visit to Helen's office to improve the flow of the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends action, drama, and character development, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the story.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of undercover agents dealing with a terrorist threat while facing personal challenges is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of the terrorist's identity and the protagonist's internal conflict regarding his family.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the espionage genre, with a focus on character dynamics and internal conflicts. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are grounded in realism.

Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and their motivations are clear, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The protagonist undergoes internal conflict and realization, leading to potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and composure despite the pressure and challenges he faces. He wants to prove himself capable and reliable in his role.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to track down and capture the terrorist leader Abu Kaleem Malik. This goal reflects the immediate threat and danger posed by the antagonist.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, both in terms of the terrorist threat and the protagonist's internal struggle.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with obstacles and challenges that test the protagonist's skills and determination. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with the revelation of a dangerous terrorist threat and the protagonist's personal relationships at risk.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial information and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, as well as the dynamic character interactions. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's duty to protect and serve, and the challenges of maintaining secrecy and control in a high-stakes operation. This conflict challenges the protagonist's beliefs about loyalty and sacrifice.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension to nostalgia, keeping the audience emotionally engaged.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and serves to reveal important information about the characters and the plot.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and high stakes. The tension and suspense keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful thriller, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm are well-executed, keeping the audience engaged.

115 INT. OFFICE - STACKS OF RECORDS - DAY

ON HARRY, behind the stacks, reacting. He silently mouths
"SIMON?!"

116 INT. HELEN'S OFFICE - DAY

HELEN
You mean right now?
(she looks around
guiltily)
I guess so. Okay. I'll be right
there.
(pause)
Yes. I can't wait. Bye.

She hangs up, a little flushed. Then turns to Allison.

HELEN
Can you cover me for an hour?

ALLISON
Just an hour? You should tell
this stud to take more time.

HELEN
Will you shutup. I should never
have told you about him.

Helen grabs her purse and rushes out, going right past the
stack where Harry is standing, dumbfounded. He looks like he
was slammed in the stomach with a lead pipe. His whole like is
unravelling.

117 EXT. BUILDING - DAY

Gib sees Harry crossing the street, holding his stomach. He
seems dazed. He is not so much walking to the car as wandering
in its general direction. He stops, in the street. Gib gets
out of the car and rushes to him. He pulls him out of the path
of a bus which is HONKING irritably.
GIB
You look like you got gut-kicked.
What's the matter? You sick?

Harry leans against the car for support.

HARRY
(barely audible)
He-- Helen. Helen-- it's Helen.
It's Helen, Gib.

GIB
Something to do with Helen, is
what I'm getting.

HARRY
She's having an affair.

Harry's best friend in the world brightens with the news. He
slaps him on the back.

GIB
Congratulations. Welcome to the
club.

HARRY
It can't be. Not Helen.

GIB
Nobody believes it can happen to
them.

HARRY
It can't be.

GIB
Same thing happened to me with
wife two. I had no idea until I
came home and the house was
empty. I mean empty. She even
took the ice-cube trays from the
fridge. What kind of person
would think of that?

HARRY
(not listening)
I still don't believe it.

GIB
Relax. Helen still loves you.
She just wants this guy to bang
her. It's nothing serious.
You'll get used to it after a --

Harry wheels around on Gib, grabbing him by the lapels, and
slams him against the car.
HARRY
STOP. CHEERING. ME. UP.

We see in Harry's rage, frustration, and hurt confusion a
vulnerability we never expected to see.

GIB
What'dya expect Harry? She's a
flesh and blood woman. And
you're never there. It was only
a matter of time.

Harry sags. His friend is right. Gib opens the car door and
helps him in like an invalid, talking soothingly the whole time--

GIB
I say we concentrate on work.
That's how I always got through
it whenever my life turned to
dogshit. Let's catch some
terrorists and then you can beat
the crap out of them. You'll
feel better.

Gib gets in and starts the car, full of stoic cheer for Harry.

GIB
Women. Can't live with 'em.
Can't kill 'em.

Genres: Drama, Thriller
Tone: Shocking, Intense, Emotional, Dramatic

Summary Harry discovers his wife Helen is having an affair and confronts his best friend Gib about it. Feeling hurt and angry, Harry is taken to work by Gib to distract him from the situation. Helen doesn't deny the affair when confronted. The scene is emotional and tense, with significant visual elements including Harry's dazed expression and physical pain, Helen's guilty look, and Gib's supportive demeanor. The conflict is not resolved, and the scene ends with Harry and Gib driving away from the office to focus on work.

Strengths

Emotional depth
Character development
Conflict resolution

Weaknesses

Some cliched dialogue

General Critique

The scene is very dialogue-heavy, with a lot of exposition and backstory. This can be difficult for readers to follow, especially if they are not familiar with the characters or the plot.
The dialogue is also somewhat repetitive, with Harry and Gib essentially saying the same thing over and over again. This can be tedious for readers and make the scene feel like it is dragging.
The scene lacks visual interest. There is very little action or movement, and most of the dialogue takes place in a single location.
The ending of the scene is somewhat abrupt, with Harry and Gib simply driving away. This leaves readers feeling unsatisfied and wondering what will happen next.

General Suggestions

Consider breaking up the dialogue with more action or movement. For example, you could have Harry and Gib walk around the office while they talk, or you could have them interact with other characters.
Vary the dialogue so that Harry and Gib are not simply repeating the same thing over and over again. For example, you could have Harry focus on his own feelings, while Gib focuses on the practical aspects of the situation.
Add some visual interest to the scene by describing the setting in more detail. For example, you could mention the color of the walls, the type of furniture, or the view from the window.
Give the scene a more satisfying ending by having Harry and Gib make a decision or take some action. For example, they could decide to confront Helen about her affair, or they could start investigating the terrorists.
The scene could benefit from a stronger sense of atmosphere. For example, you could include more details about the weather, the lighting, or the sounds of the environment.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional impact of the revelation of infidelity and sets up a significant conflict for the character.

Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring the personal turmoil of a character facing betrayal is well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot advances with the revelation of the affair, adding depth to the character's arc.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of infidelity, portraying the protagonist's emotional turmoil in a raw and realistic manner. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, especially Harry, whose vulnerability and anger are palpable.

Character Changes: 8

Harry undergoes a significant emotional change as he grapples with the betrayal, showing vulnerability and anger.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to come to terms with the betrayal he feels from his wife's affair. This reflects his deeper need for love, trust, and security in his relationship.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to confront his wife about the affair and make sense of the situation. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in his marriage.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict arises from the betrayal and the emotional turmoil it causes for the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external challenges that drive the conflict and emotional stakes.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Harry as he navigates the betrayal in his marriage.

Story Forward: 7

The scene sets up a major conflict and emotional arc for the character, moving the story forward in a significant way.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional outburst from the protagonist and the shifting dynamics between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's beliefs about love, trust, and fidelity. It challenges his worldview and forces him to confront the reality of his relationship.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly in relation to the character's discovery of the affair.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and conflict between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, realistic dialogue, and relatable conflict. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's emotional journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional intensity, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' emotional journey.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic confrontation, building tension and emotional stakes effectively.

118 INT. OMEGA SECTOR / LISTENING ROOM - DAY

Harry and Gib are in the LISTENING ROOM. Banks of tape-decks
recording calls, rows of technicians in cubicles processing and
collating transcripts.

GIB
He's giving us a blank check on *
wiretaps. So I've set 'em up on
all of Juno's shipping agents,
her clients, and Faisil made up *
a list of possible contacts that
Crimson Jihad might have in this
country. Now all we can do is *
wait -- *

He notices Harry is not listening.

GIB
Is this national security stuff
boring you?

HARRY
Put a tap on her phone.
GIB
What're you talking about? We
have that.

HARRY
Helen's phone. Her office line
and the line at my house.

Gib gives Harry a stricken look, and glances around nervously.
He pulls him into an empty office.

GIB *
(a whispered hiss) *
Okay . . .I have two words to *
describe that idea. In. Sane.
Unauthorized wiretap is a felony,
pard.

Harry grabs him and rams him up against the wall, his teeth
clenched.

HARRY
Yeah, and we do it twenty times
a day. Don't give me that crap.
Just put on the taps. Now.

GIB
Sure, Harry. I'm on it.

Harry releases him and turns away. Gib straightens his jacket,
looking at his friend like he's completely losing it.

119 INT. TASKER HOUSE - NIGHT

That night Harry is actually there on time for dinner. He
glances at Dana, who has been eyeing him warily. She looks at
her peas.

HARRY
How was school today?

DANA
Fine.

Harry takes a bite of his food, watching her. Silence. Helen
glances at him.

HELEN
So. You came by to see me today?

She is a too casual, masking her nervousness.

HARRY
I was in the area, and I thought
you might like to have lunch.
HELEN
They must've just missed me.

HARRY
They said you had to run out.

HELEN
Yeah. It was a rush thing. They
needed some documents down at the
court house. I barely made it.

Harry watches her lying to him with some amazement. You can
see the jaw muscles clenching.

HARRY
So, a little excitement in an
otherwise dull day. Did is work
out okay?

HELEN
Oh, sure. Fine.
(she gets up suddenly)
I'll get some more gravy.

DANA
I'm done.

Dana bolts. She has eaten about four bites. Harry sits at the
table, alone. He feels isolated, knowing that everybody is
lying to everybody else. He is a man without a center, lost.

CUT TO:

120 INT. OMEGA SECTOR/ LISTENING ROOM - DAY

TRACKING ALONG THE BANK OF RECORDERS. Harry comes to a
particular set of machines. He reaches past the technician and
picks up the hard-copy of the transcripts.

ON HARRY walking and leafing through the phone transcripts.
Gib watches him through a glass partition, shaking his head
slowly. Harry freezes, staring at the page and WE HEAR THE
SOUND OF THE CONVERSATION OVERLAID:

HELEN
Hello?

SIMON
Helen? It's Simon. Is it safe
to talk?

HELEN
Yes. Go ahead.
121 INT. CAR - FLASHBACK SEQUENCE - DAY

A man in his mid-thirties, sitting in a car SOMEPLACE (DAY),
speaks into a cellular phone. This is SIMON. He is dark
haired, and fairly good-looking in an off-beat way. He is
unshaven and his clothes look slept in. He glances around in
a furtive manner.

SIMON
I can't talk long. Can you meet
me for lunch tomorrow? I must
see you.

122 INT. HELEN'S OFFICE - DAY

NOW WE SEE HELEN, at her office.

HELEN
Yes. I suppose so. Where?

SIMON
The same place. One o'clock. I
have to go now. See you
tomorrow. Remember, I need you.

123 INT. LISTENING ROOM - DAY

The last line is played ON HARRY, reading. Now he is seeing
the proof in black and white. He slowly crumples the paper in
one hand, his expression dark.

124 INT. TASKER HOUSE - NIGHT

Helen is reading in bed. She glances up as Harry comes into
the room. Gives him a quick smile. Too quick.

HARRY
I thought we might have lunch
tomorrow.

HELEN
I can't, honey. I promised
Allison I'd go shopping with her.
Sorry.

Harry watches her smoothly lying to him. It's surreal to him.

HARRY
No problem.

He surreptitiously picks up Helen's purse from a dresser and *
goes into the hall. *

125 OMITTED *
126 EXT. TASKER HOUSE - NIGHT *

THE FRONT DOOR OPENS and Harry comes out, walking Gizmo on a *
leash. Harry walks briskly along the sidewalk, jerking the
poor dog along twice as fast as his little legs will go. *

127 EXT. SIDEWALK, BY GIB'S CAR - NIGHT

He reaches Gib's car, half a block up, and hands him Helen's *
purse. Gib eyes the dog warily. He growls at it. Gizmo hides *
behind Harry's legs.

GIB
Look, Harry. I know this is
rough. I felt the same way the
first time it happened to--

Harry holds up one finger. His eyes and expression are so
intense, Gib just soft of trails off.

GIB *
Right. *
(hefting the purse) *
So . . . the usual, right? *
GPS locator, telemetry burst *
transmitter, audio transmitter, *
power supply.

HARRY *
Just have is back in two hours. *
128
thru OMITTED *
129

Genres: Action, Thriller, Drama
Tone: Intense, Suspenseful, Emotional

Summary Harry pressures Gib to tap Helen's phone due to his suspicions, which leads to conflict. At dinner, Helen acts strangely, further fueling Harry's concerns. After finding evidence of Helen's secretive calls, Harry confronts her, but she lies. Harry and Gib then plant a tracking device in Helen's purse, escalating the situation and creating tension between the characters.

Strengths

Intense emotions
Suspenseful plot twists
Engaging dialogue

Weaknesses

Some cliched elements in the confrontation scenes

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear goal or purpose. It's not clear what Harry wants to achieve by tapping Helen's phone, and the scene doesn't really advance the plot or character development.
The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that people don't actually talk, and the conversation is full of exposition and unnecessary details.
The scene is too long. It could be trimmed down significantly without losing any of the important information.

General Suggestions

Give Harry a clear goal or purpose for tapping Helen's phone. Maybe he suspects her of cheating or being involved in something dangerous.
Rewrite the dialogue to sound more natural and conversational. Avoid using exposition and unnecessary details.
Trim down the scene to make it more concise and focused.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly engaging, with a mix of intense emotions, suspenseful moments, and significant plot developments.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of betrayal, espionage, and wiretapping is well-executed, adding depth to the characters and driving the plot forward.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens with the revelation of betrayal, leading to intense confrontations and setting the stage for further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of surveillance and betrayal, with complex character dynamics and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show depth and emotion, especially in their reactions to betrayal and deception.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional changes, especially in response to betrayal and deception.

Internal Goal: 8

Harry's internal goal is to uncover the truth about his wife's potential betrayal and maintain control over the situation. This reflects his need for security and trust in his relationships.

External Goal: 7

Harry's external goal is to gather evidence of his wife's potential infidelity and take action to address the situation. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in his personal life.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict reaches a peak with the discovery of betrayal, leading to intense confrontations and emotional turmoil.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations driving the characters' actions. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will resolve.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high with the discovery of betrayal, leading to personal and professional consequences for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information and setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the plot, the characters' conflicting motivations, and the moral ambiguity of their actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethics of surveillance and privacy. Harry's willingness to engage in unauthorized wiretapping challenges traditional notions of privacy and legality.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions, especially in the moments of confrontation and revelation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is intense and impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and driving the conflict forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, suspenseful plot developments, and complex character relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and character interactions. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting of the scene is standard for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting. It adheres to industry standards.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and narrative progression. It effectively builds tension and suspense.

130 INT. / EXT. HELEN'S CAR - DAY

TIGHT ON THE PURSE sitting on the seat next to her as Helen
drives through the city.

131 INT. / EXT. N.D. SEDAN - DAY

Harry drives while Gib watches--

132 INT. SEDAN, CLOSE UP ON MAP - DAY

A COMPUTERIZED MAP below the dash. Helen's purse appears as a
moving blip on a street-map of the city.

133 INT. / EXT. SEDAN - DAY

GIB
Okay, she's turning on
Seventeenth. Make a left, you
should see her.
Harry makes the turn.

HARRY
There she is.

134 EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY

Up ahead they see Helen's RED ACCORD pulling into a parking low
next to a CAFE. Harry parks the car a block away and gets out
his binoculars.

135 EXT. HELEN'S CAR THROUGH BINOCULARS - DAY

HARRY'S POV through the scope. Helen gets out of her car and
looks around as she walks to the cafe. It is not a nervous
look, but it is clear she is making sure she is not followed.
She goes inside.

136 INT. SEDAN - DAY

HARRY
Give me audio.

Gib hits a switch and they hear the clamor of the cafe at lunch
rush come over a speaker.

137 INT. CAFE - DAY

The restaurant is nothing fancy. A little dark. Helen makes
her way to a booth in the back. Sitting in the shadows, facing
the door, is SIMON. She sits down opposite him. He doesn't
smile or kiss her in greeting, but glances around the room like
he expects a threat to leap out at any moment.

SIMON
Are you sure you weren't
followed?

HELEN
I kept looking back, like you
taught me. I didn't see anyone.

SIMON
Okay. It's just, things are a
bit hot for me right now. If I
get a signal...
(holds up a cigarette
lighter meaningfully)
I may have to leave suddenly.

HELEN
I understand.
SIMON
It's my job to risk my life, but
not yours. I feel bad about
bringing you into this, but
you're the only one I can trust.

Simon creates an atmosphere of danger. His haggardness give
him an air of mystery and desperation.

HELEN
Where were you? On a... uh, *
mission?

SIMON
Ssshhh! We say Op. Covert *
operation. And this one got a
little rough.

HELEN
Worse than Cairo? *

SIMON
Cairo was a day at the beach next *
to this.

138 INT. SEDAN - DAY

Harry and Gib turn to each other, shocked with the dawning
awareness.

GIB
Guy's a spook!

HARRY
Yeah, but for who? *

GIB
He could be working her to get to
you.

Harry waves his hand, silencing Gib.

INTERCUT FROM HERE ON BETWEEN HARRY/GIB AND HELEN/SIMON.

139 INT. CAFE - DAY

SIMON puts a newspaper on the table, sliding it over to Helen.

SIMON
Did you read the papers
yesterday?

HELEN
Yes.
SIMON
Sometimes a story is a mask for
a covert operation. See-- two
men killed in a restroom, and two
unidentified men in a running *
shootout, ending at the *
Marriot...

140 INT. SEDAN - DAY

HARRY AND GIB react, realizing that it is the story of their
operation gone awry.

141 INT. CAFE - DAY

HELEN
That was you?!

SIMON
You recognized my style. See,
you're very good. You're a
natural at this.

142 INT. SEDAN - DAY

Harry starts to get it. Then is dawns on Gib.

GIB
The guy's a fake! He's taking
credit for our moves.

143 INT. CAFE - DAY

HELEN LEANS CLOSE TO SIMON. She clearly is hanging on his
every word.

HELEN
Tell me what happened?

SIMON
I'm sorry, I can't.

HELEN
You can trust me completely.

SIMON
I know. But it would compromise
your safety too much to know
certain things.

HELEN
Right, of course. I was worried
when I didn't hear from you that
night.
SIMON
It's strange. I knew I was in a
woman's thoughts when I was
shooting it out with those
assassins.

144 INT. SEDAN - DAY

HARRY REACTS to the outrageous fabrication.

GIB
Unbelievable.

145 INT. CAFE - DAY

BUT HELEN is eating it up.

HELEN
Were they trying to kill you? *

SIMON
Three of them. Hardly worth *
talking about. Two won't bother *
me again.

HELEN
And you chased one?

SIMON
Something came over me, I just
had nail him, no matter what the *
risk. It was pretty hairy. I
thought he had me, a couple of *
times. But I really can't take
credit . . .

HELEN *
You can't? *

SIMON *
No. It's the training. It *
shapes you into a lethal *
instrument. You react without *
thinking. *

146 INT. SEDAN - DAY

HARRY AND GIB guffaw. This is too much.

GIB *
I'm starting to like this guy. *

Harry shoot him a hard look. *
GIB *
(holding up his hand *
defensively) *
We still have to kill him, that's *
a given. *

147 INT. CAFE - DAY

BACK TO HELEN AND SIMON as she leans even closer.

HELEN
What is it you want me to do?

SIMON
Not here. I'll call you and
we'll rendezvous again.
(he looks around)
We have to leave separately, so
we aren't seen together. For
your safety.

HELEN
You'll call me then?

SIMON
Yes. Now go.

148
thru OMITTED *
155

PAGES 66-67 OMITTED *

Genres: Thriller, Spy, Drama
Tone: Suspenseful, Intense, Deceptive, Mysterious

Summary In a crowded cafe during the day, Helen meets with a man named Simon, who she hasn't seen in a while due to his covert operations. Harry and Gib, two spies who are following Helen, suspect that Simon is working for someone else and are trying to figure out who that is. Through a speaker in their car, they overhear Simon and Helen's conversation, in which Simon alludes to a dangerous mission and takes credit for a recent operation that Harry and Gib were a part of. Harry and Gib are shocked by Simon's lies, but Helen seems to be captivated by him. The scene ends with Simon telling Helen that he will call her to arrange another meeting, and that they have to leave separately for her safety.

Strengths

Tension-filled dialogue
Strong character dynamics
Plot twist
High stakes

Weaknesses

Some dialogue may be overly dramatic or cliched

General Critique

Consider how Gib and Harry's dialogue can be more varied and engaging, avoiding repetitive lines about Helen being tracked.
Although Helen's interaction with Simon is pivotal, the scene could benefit from a more balanced perspective by including Harry and Gib's reactions and observations.
Some lines, while necessary for information, feel a bit mechanical. Consider rephrasing or integrating them more smoothly into the conversation.
While the silence and glances create tension, the scene could benefit from more dynamic moments or confrontations that elevate the stakes and drive the plot forward.
The information about the covert operation and the two men killed could be integrated more seamlessly into the dialogue to avoid info-dumping and enhance the scene's flow.

General Suggestions

Begin the scene with a hook, a moment of high tension or intrigue, to immediately draw the reader into the narrative.
Incorporate more subtext and emotional undercurrents into the dialogue between Helen and Simon to increase the scene's depth and complexity.
Experiment with varying the length and structure of sentences to create a more dynamic and engaging rhythm in the writing.
Consider adding a layer of physicality or movement to the scene, such as a character's nervous tics or a change in posture, to enhance the visual interest and convey unspoken tension.
Explore opportunities for foreshadowing or hints about future events to create a sense of anticipation and build intrigue in the reader.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, with strong character dynamics and a plot twist that keeps the audience on edge.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a fake spy manipulating an unsuspecting individual adds depth to the story and creates a sense of mystery and danger.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens as Simon's true intentions are revealed, adding layers of complexity and intrigue to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the use of surveillance equipment, covert operations, and a twist on the typical spy narrative.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Helen and Simon are well-developed and their interactions are filled with tension and emotion, driving the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Helen undergoes a significant change as she realizes the truth about Simon, leading to a shift in her perception and emotions.

Internal Goal: 8

Helen's internal goal is to prove herself capable and trustworthy in the world of espionage, as well as to maintain her safety and the safety of those she cares about.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to follow Simon's instructions and carry out the covert operation without being detected.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Simon's lies and Helen's trust creates a high level of tension and suspense throughout the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and goals between the characters, adding complexity and intrigue to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of deception, betrayal, and danger raise the tension and suspense in the scene, keeping the audience engaged.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about Simon's true identity and intentions, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the twists and turns in the characters' motivations and actions, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around trust, loyalty, and the sacrifices one is willing to make for a cause or mission.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of Helen discovering the truth about Simon and the betrayal she feels adds depth to the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and engaging, revealing the deceptive nature of Simon and the conflicted emotions of Helen.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, tense dialogue, and the reveal of new information about the characters and their motivations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and interested in the unfolding events.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The scene follows the expected formatting for a suspenseful espionage scene, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a suspenseful espionage scene, with a buildup of tension and reveal of new information.

156 EXT. STREET/CAR LOT - DAY

Simon is cruising in the Corvette with the radio blasting.
Thinking he is supercool.

157 EXT. USED CAR LOT - DAY

Simon pulls into a used car lot, which is a run-down place. A
hodge-podge of makes and models, a few that might aspire to be
classics.

Simon backs the Vette into an open space on the front line. He
reaches into the back seat and pulls out a dayglo sign showing
the SALE PRICE of the car. He sticks it back on the dash. The
car doesn't even belong to him!

158 EXT. ACROSS THE STREET FROM CAR LOT - DAY

Harry and Gib pull up. They watch as Simon jumps out of the
Vette and goes into the sales office.
GIB
(laughing)
He's a goddamn used car salesman.
This just gets better.
(catching himself)
Sorry Harry, I know this is
painful.

Harry's eyes are slitted down lethally as he stares across the
street.

159 INT. CAR LOT SALES OFFICE - DAY (LATE AFTERNOON) *

TIGHT ON A TAPE PLAYER, with Simon's hand adjusting the volume.
The sound of traffic noise and middle-eastern music blares from
the deck.

PULL BACK to see Simon on the phone, talking loud, as if over
the din of a real place.

SIMON
It's a great little bar, Amanda,
you'd love it. Beirut's a great
place if you know the city. *
Listen, this isn't a secure line.
I'll tell you all about it when
I get back tomorrow... if I live.
(pause)
Scared? Never! Except of you--

During this, the owner of the place, DOUG WURTZ, has come out
of the back room and looked out at the lot. What Doug sees is--

HARRY, browsing among the cars.

DOUG turns from the window and bears down on Simon, who sees
him coming and speeds up his rap.

SIMON
--I have to go, baby. A guy's
coming toward me--

Doug grabs the phone out of his hand and slams it in the
cradle.

DOUG *
Simon, look out there. You see
that man? Notice how he's
looking at the cars. He's called
a customer. I know it's been a
while, but do you remember what
you're supposed to do when we
have a customer?
160 EXT. CAR LOT - DAY

Simon bounces jauntily up to Harry, talking before he's even
reached him.

SIMON
It wants you too. Feel it
vibrate? How about a little
spin?

Simon opens the passenger door and sits Harry inside, then runs
around the car. He leaps over the closed door into the
driver's seat and starts the car.

SIMON
You gotta jump in. That's rule
number one. It takes a little
practice, but there's no way
around it.

161 EXT. STREET - DAY

Simon swings the car out onto the boulevard, kicking back.

SIMON
See, it's not just the car, it's
a total image. An identity you
have to go for. This isn't some
high-tech sports car... it
doesn't even handle that great.
But that's not the idea, is it.

Simon gives Harry a big grin. Harry returns a knowing chuckle.
Ha ha.

SIMON
What're we talking about here?
Pussy, right?

HARRY
Absolutely.

Simon laughs. Harry laughs. A big lusty, male-bonding kind of
laugh.

SIMON
Well then this is a vital piece
of equipment. Used properly, it
can change your life. See, you
cruise. No racing. This ain't
a Ferrari. You check out the
scenery, let the scenery check
you out. You got to take it
slow. Old cars are like good
women... they heat up fast.
How do you grin warmly while your eyes are so cold? Ask Harry.

HARRY
Keep talking.

CUT TO:

162 EXT. TACO STAND - DAY

Simon is holding court. Over tacos, he waxes eloquent on his
greatest area of expertise. We see Harry laughing, going along
with the guy. Pretending to bond.

SIMON
Let's face it, Harry, the Vette
gets 'em wet. But it's not
enough. If you want to really
close escrow, you gotta have an
angle.

HARRY
And you've got one.

SIMON
It's killer. Look at me-- I'm
not that much to look at. No
really. I can be honest. But I
got 'em lining up, and not just
skanks, either. Some are.

HARRY
So what's your angle?

SIMON
Sorry. Trade secret.

HARRY
(grinning)
Sure. Set me up and then don't
tell me.

Simon leans forward, conspiratorially.

SIMON
Okay, just ask yourself. What do
women really want? You take
these bored housewives, married
to the same guy for years. Stuck
in a rut. They need some
release. The promise of
adventure. A hint of danger. I
create that for them.

HARRY
So you're basically lying your
ass off the whole time? I
couldn't do it.
SIMON
Well, think of it as playing a
role. It's fantasy. You have to
work on their dreams. Get them
out of their daily suburban grind
for a few hours.

HARRY
Isn't that hard to keep up, in
the long run?

SIMON
Doesn't matter. I like change.
You know, constant turnover. As
soon as I close the deal, it's
one of two more times, then
adios.

HARRY
Use 'em and lose 'em.

SIMON
Exactly. The trick is, you gotta
pick your target. They have to
be nice little housewife types.
School-teachers. But, I'm
telling you, you get their pilot
lit, these babes, they can suck-
start a leaf-blower.

HARRY
What about the husbands?

SIMON
Dickless. If they took care of *
business, I'd be out of business,
know what I mean?

HARRY
Those idiots.

Genres: Action, Thriller, Drama
Tone: Suspenseful, Intense, Humorous

Summary In this humorous and lighthearted scene, Simon parks a Corvette on a run-down car lot and pretends to be a used car salesman, talking loudly on the phone to give the impression that the car is being sold. Harry and Gib observe him from across the street, while Doug, the owner of the car lot, confronts Simon about his lack of interaction with a potential customer. The conflict is resolved when Simon begins to show the car to Harry, who is pretending to be a customer. The scene ends with Simon's ruse in full swing.

Strengths

Sharp dialogue
Character development
Intriguing plot development

Weaknesses

Potential lack of subtlety in revealing Simon's true nature

General Critique

The dialogue between Harry and Simon is too expository. It feels like they're just telling each other things that the audience already knows, like the fact that Simon is a used car salesman and that he has an angle with women.
The scene doesn't really advance the plot. Harry and Simon just talk about cars and women, and there's no real conflict or tension.
The scene is too long. It could be cut down by about a third without losing any of the important information.
The scene is not very visually interesting. It takes place in a used car lot and a taco stand, which are not particularly exciting locations.

General Suggestions

Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and less expository.
Add some conflict or tension to the scene. For example, Harry could be suspicious of Simon, or Simon could be trying to sell Harry a car that he knows is a lemon.
Cut down the scene by about a third. This will make it more concise and easier to follow.
Add some more visually interesting elements to the scene. For example, you could have Harry and Simon drive the car around the city, or you could have them meet in a more interesting location, like a bar or a restaurant.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written, engaging, and adds depth to the character of Simon. It introduces a new element to the plot and sets up potential conflicts and developments.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Simon being a skilled manipulator and seducer is intriguing and adds complexity to the story. It opens up possibilities for future conflicts and character interactions.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Simon's true nature is revealed, impacting the dynamics between characters and setting up potential conflicts. It adds depth to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the used car sales world, portraying the protagonist as a manipulative salesman who uses deception to sell cars. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene delves into Simon's character, showcasing his manipulative nature and providing insight into his motivations. It adds layers to the character dynamics and sets up potential conflicts.

Character Changes: 7

Simon's character undergoes a subtle transformation as his true nature is revealed. It sets the stage for potential growth or conflict in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Simon's internal goal is to maintain his facade of being a successful and charming salesman, despite the fact that he is actually using deception and manipulation to sell cars.

External Goal: 7

Simon's external goal is to sell cars and make a profit, which reflects the immediate challenge of convincing customers to buy from a run-down car lot.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict arises from Simon's deceptive nature and the impact it has on the other characters. It sets up potential confrontations and challenges for the characters to face.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts arising between the characters and the protagonist facing challenges in selling cars.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as Simon's true nature is exposed, potentially leading to conflicts and challenges for the characters. It adds tension and suspense to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing new information about Simon and setting up potential conflicts and developments. It adds depth to the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the protagonist's actions and the moral dilemmas presented.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around Simon's moral ambiguity in using deception to sell cars, contrasting with Harry's discomfort with Simon's tactics.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from intrigue to tension to humor. It adds depth to the character interactions and sets the stage for future developments.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and reveals key aspects of Simon's character. It adds depth to the scene and sets up future developments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between the characters, the sharp dialogue, and the moral ambiguity of the protagonist's actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and maintaining the audience's interest.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and character interactions.

163 EXT. STREET/ VETTE - DAY

They are cruising along, with Harry driving this time.

HARRY
You working on someone right now?

SIMON
I always have a couple on the
hook. You know. There's one
right now, I've got her panting
like a dog. It's great.

Unconsciously, Harry's hands clench the wheel tighter.
HARRY
What does she do?

SIMON
Some kinda legal secretary of
something. Married to some
boring jerk.

Harry takes a corner too fast. The tires squealing.

SIMON
And she could be so hot, if she
wanted to be. She's like a dying
plant that just needs a little
water.

When Simon is looking, Harry is open and encouraging... they
laugh together... then when he looks away Harry goes snake-
eyed. He could kill Simon with one punch. He's visualizing
his wife getting porked by this guy.

HARRY
But with you, she gets to be hot,
right?

SIMON
Red hot. Her thighs steam.

They laugh together. Harry's laugh is getting a bit brittle.
He speeds up, his knuckles white on the wheel. Now for the big
question: HAVE THEY OR HAVEN'T THEY?

HARRY
Sooooo... she's pretty good in
bed, then?

SIMON
(yelling suddenly)
Hey, slow down you're gonna miss
the turn!

164 EXT. USED CAR LOT - DAY

Harry comes barrelling into the lot at forty. He cranks the
wheel and hits the emergency brake, slewing the car into a
smoking bootlegger-180. It screeches backward, sliding right
into its parking space perfectly.

Simon is bugeyed. But he is non-plussed for only about two
seconds. Then he's back to selling. He scrambles out and goes
around to Harry, coughing in the cloud of tire smoke.
SIMON
See. You and this car were meant
for each other. Why fight it?
Sure, I have a couple other
buyers lined up, but I like your
style. Whattya say? Should we
start on the paperwork?

HARRY
Let me think about it. Hold it
a day for me?

Simon grins and winks.

SIMON
Because it's you.

165 INT. TASKER HOUSE - NIGHT

Dana is in the living room, watching TV when she sees her
mother cross through, dressed to go out.

HELEN
Dinner's in the warmer. Tell
your father I may be late.

DANA
Where are you going?

HELEN
Out.

Dana is momentarily puzzled by the reversal of roles.

166 INT. ENTRY WAY - NIGHT

ON HELEN, checking herself in the hall mirror. She looks at
her big dowdy purse. Hating it suddenly. She pulls her
pocketbook out and rummages on the top shelf of the hall closet
for a small handbag, then charges out.

167 OMITTED

168 INT. / EXT. SEDAN - NIGHT

Harry is driving. Gib pulls a sheaf of pages out of his
briefcase and hands them to him.

GIB
Here's today's transcripts.
There's nothing interesting.

SIMON
Nothing from Simon?
Keeping one eye on the road, Harry riffles through the sheets.
He glances at the top of the last couple of sheets. He scowls.
Then SUDDENLY SLAMS ON THE BRAKES. The car dives to the curb,
bumping one wheel. Harry gets out and charges around to Gib's
side. Gib gets out, his expression blank.

HARRY
Give me the page.

GIB
What are you talking about?

HARRY
It skips from page nine to
eleven. Where's page ten?

GIB
Aw, it's gotta be a typo--

HARRY
GIVE ME THE GODDAMN PAGE!!

Harry hammers his fist against the car-window right next to
Gib. It explodes inward in a shower of glass.

GIB
(shrugging)
Okay. Here.

He fishes a crumples sheet of paper out of his pocket. Harry
grabs it from him, straightening it.

GIB
Jeez, Harry. Seek help.

As Harry begins to read, we go into FLASHBACK.

Genres: Action, Thriller, Drama
Tone: Tense, Suspenseful, Intense, Dramatic

Summary Harry and Simon cruise in a Corvette, with Simon discussing his affair, which makes Harry increasingly agitated. They later arrive at a used car lot, where Simon tries to sell the car to Harry. Meanwhile, Helen prepares to go out, leaving Dana confused. The scene takes a tense turn when Harry discovers a missing page from a transcript in a sedan, leading to a confrontation with Gib, resulting in Harry breaking the car window to retrieve the missing page.

Strengths

Intense emotional conflicts
High-stakes action sequences
Revealing character dynamics

Weaknesses

Possible lack of resolution for some conflicts
Over-reliance on tension and confrontation

General Critique

The scene starts with a fairly neutral conversation about Simon's work, however it does not advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
The dialogue between Harry and Simon is somewhat repetitive and lacks depth.
The sudden shift in Harry's behavior, from being calm and collected to becoming enraged and violent, feels abrupt and not fully motivated.
The lack of context regarding the missing page and its significance makes it difficult for the reader to understand Harry's reaction.
The sudden ending of the scene, with Harry reading the page, leaves the reader with a sense of incompleteness.

General Suggestions

Consider starting the scene with a more engaging or plot-relevant conversation that establishes the characters' goals and motivations.
Expand on the dialogue between Harry and Simon to reveal more about their personalities and the nature of their relationship.
Provide more context or foreshadowing leading up to Harry's sudden outburst to make it more believable and impactful.
Add more details about the missing page and its contents to build suspense and intrigue.
Consider ending the scene on a more satisfying note, either by revealing the contents of the page or setting up a cliffhanger that leads into the next scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly engaging with a mix of action, drama, and emotional intensity. It keeps the audience on edge with the revelation of Helen's affair, the confrontation between Harry and Gib, and the high-stakes car chase.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of betrayal, deception, and high-stakes surveillance operation is well executed in the scene, keeping the audience hooked and invested in the characters' conflicts.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of Helen's affair, the confrontation between Harry and Gib, and the intense car chase and surveillance operation. It adds depth to the characters and sets up future conflicts.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh take on themes of jealousy, infidelity, and control in relationships, with authentic and realistic character interactions and dialogue.

Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' emotions and conflicts are well portrayed, especially Harry's anger and betrayal, Gib's dilemma, and Helen's deception. The scene delves into their relationships and dynamics effectively.

Character Changes: 7

Harry undergoes a significant emotional change upon discovering Helen's affair, leading to a confrontation with Gib. The characters' relationships and dynamics evolve, setting the stage for future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to control his emotions and not let his jealousy and anger towards his wife's potential infidelity consume him.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to negotiate the purchase of a car from Simon.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with revelations of betrayal, confrontations, and intense car chase adding tension and suspense. The emotional conflicts between the characters drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting emotions and motivations driving the characters' actions and dialogue.

High Stakes: 9

The scene is high-stakes with the revelation of Helen's affair, the intense car chase and surveillance operation, and the emotional conflicts between the characters. The risks and consequences are significant, adding tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the characters, setting up future conflicts, and advancing the plot with the high-stakes car chase and surveillance operation.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional outbursts and revelations from the characters, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around trust, fidelity, and control in relationships. Harry's internal struggle with jealousy and anger reflects his beliefs and values about marriage and loyalty.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a significant emotional impact on the audience, with themes of betrayal, anger, and shock resonating strongly. The characters' emotional turmoil adds depth and intensity to the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense, emotional, and impactful, especially during the confrontation between Harry and Gib. It reveals the characters' true feelings and adds depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and emotional depth, keeping the audience invested in the characters' conflicts and motivations.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' conflicts and motivations.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-paced dialogue and action, effectively building tension and conflict.

169 INT. USED CAR LOT OFFICE - DAY/FLASHBACK

ON SIMON - He is talking into the phone in hushed, urgent
tones.

SIMON
Helen. I need your help. Can
you meet me tonight?

INTERCUT WITH HELEN at her office.

170 INT. HELEN'S OFFICE - DAY/FLASHBACK/INTERCUT

HELEN
What's happened?
SIMON
It's serious. That's all I can *
say. Just meet on K Street under *
the Key Bridge. At eight sharp. *

171 INT./ EXT. SEDAN - NIGHT

BACK TO THE PRESENT. Harry checks his watch. *

HARRY
Shit! It's almost eight. *

He jumps back in the car and activates the GPS locator.
Helen's purse-blip flashes on the grid map.

HARRY
She's still at my house. *

GIB
The purse is still at the house.

172 INT. SEDAN - NIGHT

Harry growls and slams the car into gear, roaring out into
traffic. Horns honk as he cuts off people. He is oblivious.
He grabs his rover.

HARRY
Unit Two? Unit Seven?

172A CUT TO -- FAISIL AND AGENT WEBSTER IN THE UNIT SEVEN VAN *

FAISIL
Seven here.

172B CUT TO -- AGENT MORTON IN UNIT TWO CAR *

UNIT TWO
This is Two.

172C INT. SEDAN - NIGHT *

HARRY
Immediate roll. Acquire subject
at K Street and Key Bridge. *
Vehicle is red-and-white *
convertible. You have six
minutes.

FAISIL
Roger, One. Rolling.
UNIT TWO
Copy that.

GIB
Wait a minute! Are you out of
your mind? You can't pull agents
off a priority surveillance to
follow your wife! It's gross
misappropriation of Sector's
resources, it's... it's a breach
of national security.

Harry drives on, ignoring him. Gib grabs his shoulder, shaking
him.

GIB *
You copy, Harry? This is too
far. You're losing it big-time.
I have to stop you.

HARRY
Whatya going to do? Tell?

GIB
Goddamnit, Harry. This is our
butts. So your life is in the
toilet. So your wife is banging
a used car salesman. Sure it's
humiliating. But be a man here--

HARRY
You tell on me, I tell on you.

GIB
Whatya talking? I'm clean as a
preacher's sheets, babe. Clean
as a --

HARRY
What about that time you trashed
a six-week operation because you
were busy getting a blow-job?

GIB
(instantly contrite)
You know about that?

Harry turns to him. His glare could melt metal. Gib gives a
fatalistic shrug.

GIB
Take Franklin, it's quicker.

Harry makes the turn, squealing tires.

GIB
You don't have any pictures
though, do ya. Huh? *

Genres: Action, Thriller, Drama
Tone: Intense, Suspenseful, Emotional, Confrontational

Summary In a tense and urgent scene, Simon, in a flashback, urgently calls Helen to meet him, while in the present, Harry checks his watch and realizing it's almost eight, prompts him to check the GPS locator which shows Helen's purse is still at his house. Harry then orders two units to follow Helen without authorization, causing a conflict with Gib. The conflict is resolved when Harry reveals Gib's secret, causing him to back off. The scene ends with Harry making a turn, squealing tires, determined to follow Helen.

Strengths

Intense action sequences
Emotionally charged dialogue
Intricate plot twists
Strong character development

Weaknesses

Some dialogue may be overly dramatic or cliched

General Critique

The dialogue in this scene feels unnatural and forced. The characters' interactions are stilted and lack authenticity.
The scene lacks a clear goal or purpose. It's unclear what Harry is trying to accomplish by ordering the agents to follow his wife.
The conflict between Harry and Gib is underdeveloped and lacks emotional depth. The audience doesn't get a sense of why Harry is so angry with Gib.
The scene is too short and doesn't give the audience enough time to connect with the characters or the situation.
The scene ends abruptly and leaves the audience with more questions than answers.

General Suggestions

Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
Give the scene a clear goal or purpose. What is Harry trying to accomplish?
Develop the conflict between Harry and Gib. Give the audience a sense of why Harry is so angry with him.
Expand the scene to give the audience more time to connect with the characters and the situation.
End the scene with a cliffhanger or a twist that leaves the audience wanting more.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging and impactful, with a mix of action, drama, and emotional depth. The tension and conflict between the characters drive the narrative forward and keep the audience invested.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of betrayal, espionage, and personal conflict is well-executed in the scene. The intertwining storylines and character dynamics create a compelling narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot is intricate and full of twists and turns, especially with the revelation of Helen's affair and the confrontation between Harry and Gib. The scene moves the story forward significantly and sets up future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of betrayal and surveillance, with a mix of personal drama and national security concerns. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the story.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions are palpable throughout the scene. Harry's anger and betrayal, Gib's guilt, and Helen's conflicted feelings are all portrayed effectively.

Character Changes: 8

Harry undergoes a significant emotional transformation as he grapples with the betrayal of his wife and best friend. His anger and determination drive his actions and decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth about his wife's actions and confront the betrayal he feels. This reflects his deeper need for honesty and trust in his relationships.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to locate his wife and confront her about her whereabouts. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving personal relationships, espionage, and moral dilemmas. The stakes are high, and the tension is palpable throughout.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and motivations driving the characters' actions. The audience is left wondering how the protagonist will navigate the obstacles in his path.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with personal relationships, national security, and moral integrity all on the line. The characters face significant risks and consequences for their actions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial information, escalating conflicts, and setting up future developments. The narrative gains momentum and complexity.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and dialogue. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's sense of duty to his job and his personal life. The clash between national security concerns and personal betrayal challenges his beliefs and values.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, particularly in the moments of confrontation and betrayal. The emotional depth adds layers to the narrative.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, emotional, and revealing, adding depth to the characters and driving the conflict forward. The confrontational exchanges between Harry and Gib are particularly impactful.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, sharp dialogue, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the characters' conflicts and motivations, keeping them invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences adds to the overall effectiveness of the scene.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions. It is easy to follow and enhances the readability of the screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and formatting contribute to the overall effectiveness of the scene.

173 EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT

Helen pulls her car under the bridge. She checks her watch.
Helen notices that her hand is shaking. She looks around and *
the place seems deserted. She is about to leave when she sees
headlights flash briefly in the shadows.

A red-and-white Vette emerges from the darkness and pulls up
next to her. Simon motions for her to get in quickly.

174 EXT. PARKING LOT - THROUGH BINOCULARS - NIGHT

LONGSHOT on Simon and Helen in the Vette, coming out of the
parking low under the bridge. We are watching them through a
sophisticated telephoto night-vision device.

175 INT. UNIT TWO SEDAN - NIGHT

Agent MORTON lowers the SCOPE and picks up his rover. He puts *
the car in gear to follow.

MORTON
Two here. Subject is southbound
on Key Bridge. A man and a woman *
in the vehicle.

HARRY (RADIO)
Roger's two.

175A INT./EXT. SIMON'S CAR

Simon makes a show of checking the mirrors.

SIMON
Now don't be alarmed... but if
I'm spotter, it would be best if
they don't see you. You should
keep your head down until we're
out of the city.

He pushes her head down onto his lap. She crouches there, with
her cheek against his thigh. He's cruising along, loving it.

176 INT. HARRY'S CAR - NIGHT

Gib is trying to watch the computerized city map on the screen,
but Harry keeps cornering so fast he loses his place.

MORTON (RADIO)
The woman has her head in the
guy's lap.

Harry is doing a jaw-clenched slow burn.
HARRY
Roger, two. One to Condor, do
you have visual?

177
thru OMITTED
183

184 EXT. HIGHWAY LEAVING CITY - NIGHT

It is a highway heading away from the city. IN A LONG LENS
SHOT, the Vette appears over the brow of a hill. A moment
later A HELICOPTER rises up behind them, A DRAMATIC REVEAL. It
follows the Vette.

CONDOR (VOICE OVER/RADIO)
This is Condor. We have the
ball, repeat... we have a good
lock-up on I.R.

CUT TO: INFRARED VIEW of the Vette, from the helicopter's FLIR
system. The greenish, image-intensified view of the car is
like daylight.

185 OMITTED

PAGES 79 - 80 OMITTED

EXT. HELICOPTER - AERIAL SHOT - NIGHT 186

Down past the helicopter, to the Vette on the highway below
as they head out into the country.

OMITTED (187) 187

EXT. TRAILER PARK - NIGHT 188

The headlights of the Vette light up a ratty single-wide
mobile home, on the outskirts of a TRAILER PARK off the
highway. Simon and Helen get out of the car.

SIMON
My place in the city is too
hot right now. So is the
penthouse in New York. But
this place is secure.

He takes her inside.

OMITTED (189) 189
INT. SIMON'S TRAILER - NIGHT 190

Helen feels awkward in the small, junky space. A tape deck
is playing cool jazz. Simon hands her a glass of cheap wine.
He clinks her glass with his.

SIMON
To our assignment.

HELEN
What is it you need me to do?

SIMON
Helen, I want you to be my wife.

HELEN
I'm married!

SIMON
(quickly)
Just for the operation in Paris.
I need to be married. They'll be
looking for a man traveling
alone.

HELEN
We're going to Paris?

SIMON
Helen, there's a double agent in
my outfit... I don't know who.
There's no one I can trust.
Except you. Can you get away?
Just for two days.

HELEN
I don't know. I have to think...

SIMON
Here. Sit down. Be comfortable.

He clears a place for her on the bed, shoving clothes and
magazines out of the way. She sits down and he tops off her
glass from the wine bottle.

Genres: Action, Thriller, Drama
Tone: Suspenseful, Intense, Dramatic, Tense

Summary Helen meets Simon under a bridge and they drive off in his red-and-white Vette, evading Agent Morton and his partner. They reach Simon's trailer where he proposes a two-day Paris operation marriage scheme. The scene is filled with tension, visual surveillance, and a hint of romance.

Strengths

Intense suspense
Intriguing concept
Well-developed characters
Sharp dialogue
High stakes

Weaknesses

Some cliched spy tropes
Lack of diversity in character backgrounds

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear purpose or objective. It's not clear what the characters are trying to achieve or what the stakes are.
The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that people don't actually talk, which makes the scene feel forced and unrealistic.
The scene is too long and drawn out. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
The scene lacks any sense of tension or suspense. The characters are simply going through the motions, and there's no sense of danger or urgency.
The scene doesn't advance the plot in any meaningful way. It's simply a filler scene that could be cut without affecting the overall story.

General Suggestions

Give the scene a clear purpose or objective. What are the characters trying to achieve? What are the stakes?
Rewrite the dialogue so that it sounds more natural and realistic.
Shorten the scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
Add some tension or suspense to the scene. Make the characters feel like they're in danger or that they're about to be caught.
Make sure the scene advances the plot in some meaningful way. It should either introduce new information, develop the characters, or move the story forward.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with a good balance of action, suspense, and character development. The tension and stakes are high, keeping the audience engaged throughout.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an undercover operation involving a spy recruiting a married woman for a dangerous mission is intriguing and adds depth to the plot. The use of surveillance technology and the theme of trust and betrayal are well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and raising the stakes for the characters. The scene sets up future developments and adds complexity to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the spy genre by focusing on the personal and emotional stakes of the characters involved. The dialogue feels authentic and the actions are unpredictable, keeping the audience engaged.

Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed, with Simon being portrayed as a manipulative and mysterious spy, and Helen as a conflicted and vulnerable woman. Their interactions reveal layers of deception and intrigue.

Character Changes: 7

Helen undergoes a significant internal conflict as she grapples with the decision to join Simon on a dangerous mission, showcasing her vulnerability and inner turmoil. Simon's manipulative nature also reveals his true intentions and motives.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate a dangerous situation and make a decision about helping Simon with his mission. This reflects her desire for adventure and her fear of getting involved in something risky.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to assist Simon with his mission by posing as his wife. This reflects the immediate challenge of deception and espionage they are facing.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, with Helen torn between her loyalty to her husband and the allure of a dangerous mission. The power dynamics between Simon and Helen create tension and suspense, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, adding to the suspense and drama.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as Helen is recruited for a dangerous mission by a mysterious spy, risking her marriage and safety. The tension and suspense are heightened by the looming threat of betrayal and deception.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new conflict and raising the stakes for the characters. It sets up future developments and adds complexity to the narrative, keeping the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and decisions, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around trust and loyalty. Simon is asking Helen to trust him and help him, but she is unsure if she can trust him or if she should get involved in his dangerous mission.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from anxiety and suspense to intrigue and uncertainty. The complex relationship between Simon and Helen adds depth to the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and serves to build tension and reveal the characters' motivations. The conversations between Simon and Helen are crucial in establishing their relationship and the stakes of the mission.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, intriguing character dynamics, and unpredictable plot developments.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually, revealing information at a suspenseful pace, and maintaining the audience's interest.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful thriller, with a buildup of tension, character interactions, and a cliffhanger ending.

191 EXT. BILLBOARD AND TRAILER PARK - NIGHT

The agents have gathered behind a billboard. Harry, Gib and *
the other three agents have donned black jumpsuits. They
finish fitting battle-harnesses, then they grab black ski- *
masks. They don them in perfect unison. Commando precision.
Harry leads off and they quick-time from behind the billboard,
closing in on Simon's trailer.
192 INT. TRAILER - NIGHT

Helen looks up at Simon and nods slowly.

HELEN
Okay. I'll do it.

Simon shoots over and sits next to her, taking her hand.

SIMON
You are incredibly brave. I have
to remind myself the fear you
must be feeling. I've lived like
this for years, so I'm used to
it. Every day when I get up, I
think it might be my last. But
it makes you appreciate life.
And the moment. Because that may
be all you have.

He moves a little closer. Casting his spell.

SIMON
To pull this cover story off, we
have to look exactly like two
people who are intimate with each
other. The enemy can spot a fake
easily.

He puts his hand on her knee. She tenses up instantly.

SIMON
You see what I mean? That
reaction would give us away in a
second. Try to relax.

HELEN
It's just that... it's been
sixteen years since anyone but
Harry did that, I--

SIMON
Relax. There, that's better.
Let yourself slip into the role.

He puts his other arm around her shoulders and pulls her slowly
into a kiss. This doesn't seem real to Helen. She finds
herself not pulling away. He lowers her slowly until they are
lying together on the bed.

SIMON
There you go. That's right...

He slides his hand up her thigh. The fingers, stroking in
little circles, slips under her skirt. And--

She suddenly EXPLODES, pushing on his chest, forcing him up off
her.
HELEN
NO! Stop!
(he keeps kissing her)
Get off me RIGHT NOW!

Simon struggles with her. She gets one knee up under him and
levers him up. She pushes him to a standing position. She
sits up on the bed, straightening her skirt.

He looks forlorn and pathetic. Now he's going to try
pleading...

SIMON
If not for me, do it for
democracy.

193 INT. / EXT. TRAILER - NIGHT

KABOOM!! The back wall of the trailer is blown outward by tiny
shaped-charges. The concussion throws Simon forward on top of
her. Five BLACK-SUITED FIGURES swarm in, carrying machine
pistols and flashlights.

194 INT. TRAILER - HARRY'S POV - NIGHT

Lit by the beam of the flashlight, he sees Simon on top of
Helen, her knees up on either side of his hips. It looks bad.
Simon and Helen sit up... stunned. They look like two rabbits
in the headlights of a truck. She screams.

195 INT. TRAILER - ON SIMON - NIGHT

Reacting as all his years of bullshit have suddenly
materialized as a nightmarish reality. He is stunned.
Blinking, mouth hanging open.

196 INT. / EXT. TRAILER - SIMON'S POV - NIGHT

WHAT SIMON SEES -- Five demonic figures, backlit by the XENON
LIGHT from a helicopter. Smoke and dust swirling in the rotor-
wash. The figures lunge toward them, grabbing them both.
Helen struggles fiercely as Gib (disguised) pulls her up.
Harry yanks Simon to his feet.

197 EXT. TRAILER - NIGHT

Gib comes out first with Helen. She struggles like a wildcat,
frankly surprising the hell out of Harry. Simon is brought
out, dazed and compliant. Helen whips around, KNEEING GIB
right in the balls. Gib OOPHS and doubles over, and Helen runs
for it.
Harry leaves Simon with the other agents and runs after Helen.
She sprints through the trees, Harry pounding after her. He
grabs her and gets her in a headlock. She bites the hell out
of his arm. Harry yells and lets her go, just as-- Keough runs
up and matter-of-factly clips her on the head with his weapon.
Standard operating procedure. Which is why he can't understand
why Harry punches him, knocking him down.

Harry supports a sagging Helen, gesturing sharply to the other
agents and going RRRRR-RRRR to make his point (since he can't
talk without her recognizing his voice). They head for the
cars.

CUT TO:

198 INT. INTERROGATION ROOM/OBSERVATION CHAMBER - NIGHT

An empty room with a single stool under a light, and a large
two-way mirror. The door opens and Helen is escorted in by
Keough, still wearing his jumpsuit. Helen has a black hood
over her head. Keough undoes a pair of handcuffs, freeing her,
then leaves quickly.

Helen whips the hood off and blinks in the light. She wheels
at the sound of the door locking and runs to it. Pulls twice
on the handle, without effect. She crosses to the mirror and
peers at her reflection, trying to see if anyone is there on
the other side.

199 INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - NIGHT

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GLASS is a dark chamber. We see Helen
perfectly, peering in, though she sees nothing. Harry and Gib,
in silhouette, sit at a console. Harry speaks into a
microphone.

HARRY
Sit down.

200 INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT

ON HELEN'S SIDE of the mirror we hear Harry's voice shifted by
a DIGITAL PROCESSOR. It is a cold booming mechanical voice.
Harsh and inhuman.

VOICE (HARRY)
I said SIT DOWN.
(she does)
Who do you work for?

HELEN
Kettleman, Barnes and McGrath.
I'm a legal secretary.
VOICE (HARRY)
Of course. Mrs. Tasker. And
what were you going with the
international terrorist, Carlos
the Jackal? Taking dictation?

HELEN
He said he was an American agent.

201 INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - NIGHT

INSIDE THE CONTROL room we can see Harry, Gib and, through the
glass, Helen. Their voices sound normal on this side.

HARRY
How long have you been a member
of his faction?

HELEN
I don't know anything about a
faction. I just met Simon... or
whatever his name is... a couple
of weeks ago. I barely know him.

GIB
That's not what it looked like
when we found you.

Harry scowls at Gib in the dark. Helen flushes, remembering.

HARRY
How did you meet him?

FLASHBACK SEQUENCE:

202 INT. MALL - DAY/FLASHBACK

We see Helen sitting at table at a mall near where she works,
having a cappucino and a croissant.

HELEN (V.O.)
About two weeks ago I was at the
mall, having coffee...

Simon appears behind her, sort of stalking up to her. He
approaches quickly the last few steps and slips into the seat
next to her. His manner is furtive. He keeps looking around,
as if for hidden assasins. He hands her a briefcase.
SIMON
(speaking very low)
Keep this for me. I can't afford
to be taken with it. National
security is at stake. I'll
contact you if a can. Okay? Oh--

He seems to suddenly spot something OFF CAMERA and dashes off
the other way.

203 EXT. BUSINESS DISTRICT - DAY/FLASHBACK

Helen walks back to her office building, carrying the
briefcase. She keeps looking over her shoulder.

204 INT. HELEN'S OFFICE - DAY/FLASHBACK

She has the briefcase on her desk while she works. She keeps
glancing at it as she types. Finally she hunches over it and
starts picking the locks with a paper clip.

TIGHT ON SECOND LOCK, popping open.

ON HELEN as she opens the case. She gasps.

INSIDE THE CASE are the following items: A tiny camera, some
loose tapes, some circuit diagrams, some transcripts that look
like gibberish which must be ENCRYPTED, some street maps of
Beirut, Rome and Berlin, and a Walther P.P.K. PISTOL. Helen,
eyes wide, closes the case.

205 INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT / PRESENT

Helen shrugs, finishing up her story.

HELEN
I should have gone to the police,
I suppose.

GIB
But you didn't. Why not?

HELEN
I don't know. I guess... I
wanted to see what would happen.

HARRY
What did happen?

HELEN
Three days later, he called me.
He told me to meet him at
Overlook Park.
206 EXT. OVERLOOK PARK - SUNSET/FLASHBACK

Through the trees is a sweeping view across the Potomac to
Georgetown and Embassy Row. Helen is sitting on a park bench
when Simon shows up, sitting beside her. She hands him the
briefcase.

SIMON
Thank you. You saved my life.
What's your name?

HELEN
Helen.

SIMON
You can call me Simon.
(he touches her hand)
You're very brave to do this...
(then notices the locks
have been opened)
You opened it.

HELEN
I just glances inside.

Genres: Action, Thriller, Drama
Tone: Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic, Intense

Summary Helen agrees to help Simon with a cover story, leading to romantic tension and a forced separation. After the trailer they are in is blown up, Helen is taken by black-suited figures and interrogated by Harry and Gib, who use a digital processor to alter their voices. The scene is filled with tension, suspense, and moments of romance.

Strengths

Intense action sequences
Suspenseful atmosphere
Emotional depth in characters

Weaknesses

Some cliched dialogue
Predictable character reactions

General Critique

The scene is still a bit slow-paced and could use some more action or tension to keep the reader engaged.
The dialogue is a bit stilted and unnatural in places.
The characters' motivations are not always clear. For example, why does Simon suddenly try to kiss Helen? Why does Helen resist at first, but then give in?
The scene ends abruptly, leaving the reader with a sense of unfinished business.

General Suggestions

Add some more action or tension to the scene. For example, you could have Helen and Simon being chased by the police, or you could have them fighting off some of Simon's henchmen.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
Clarify the characters' motivations. For example, you could have Simon explain why he is trying to kiss Helen, and you could have Helen explain why she is resisting at first.
Give the scene a more satisfying ending. For example, you could have Helen and Simon escape from the police, or you could have them defeat Simon's henchmen.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, suspenseful, and filled with dramatic moments that keep the audience engaged. The high-stakes nature of the undercover operation adds tension and excitement.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an undercover operation involving a legal secretary and a terrorist is unique and intriguing. The scene effectively showcases the complexities of espionage and betrayal.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear focus on the undercover operation and the conflict between the characters. The twists and turns keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the spy thriller genre by focusing on the protagonist's internal struggles and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined, with distinct motivations and actions. The interactions between Helen, Simon, and the agents add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Helen experiences a significant change in the scene, from being manipulated by Simon to standing up for herself and making a brave decision. This transformation adds depth to her character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain her cover and survive the dangerous situation she finds herself in. This reflects her fear, survival instinct, and desire to protect herself.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully carry out the mission and deceive the enemy. She must play the role of an intimate partner to Simon in order to maintain her cover.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Helen, Simon, and the agents creates a tense and suspenseful atmosphere. The high-stakes nature of the undercover operation intensifies the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple obstacles and challenges that keep the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the undercover operation, including the risk of exposure and danger, heighten the tension and suspense in the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing crucial information about the characters and advancing the plot towards a resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the protagonist's interactions and the sudden escalation of the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around deception, trust, and survival. The protagonist must navigate a morally ambiguous situation where she must deceive others to survive.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and shock in the audience, creating an emotional connection to the characters and their predicament.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, revealing the characters' emotions and motivations. It effectively conveys the high-stakes nature of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, suspenseful atmosphere, and the protagonist's internal and external conflicts.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense leading to a climactic confrontation.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a thriller screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful thriller, building tension and conflict effectively.

207 EXT. OVERLOOK PARK - CLOSE UP ON SIMON

CLOSE ON SIMON, looking right into her eyes.

SIMON
(solemn)
Then you know.

208 INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT / PRESENT

Harry shakes his head and rubs his eyes, picturing the whole
thing.

HARRY
Why did you continue to see him?

HELEN
He needed my help.

HARRY
Not because you were attracted to
him?

HELEN
No.

HARRY
You weren't attracted to him at
all?
HELEN
Well, maybe a little.

GIB
Is this a common thing for you?
Cheating?

HELEN
No! Never!

GIB
So, it was your first time.

HELEN
I wasn't cheating!

HARRY
Tell me about your husband, Mrs
Tasker.

HELEN
Harry? What can I say about
Harry? He's a sales rep for a
computer company.

HARRY
(hard question for him)
Would you say he was boring,
then?

HELEN
(she sighs, nodding
fatalistically)
Yeah. I suppose he is.

GIB
So sex with him isn't exactly
making your flag wave anymore.

Harry cuffs him on the shoulder. Signals with a scowl for him
to stay out of it. Gib smirks. Harry's put him through enough
shit the last couple of days, it's time for a couple digs.

HELEN
That's none of your goddamn
business! What kind of questions
are these?

HARRY
You're in a lot of trouble, Mrs.
Tasker, so I suggest you
cooperate. If we want to know
the most intimate details of your
life, you'd better tell us.

Helen glowers at the mirror. Her hands are shaking and she
hates it that they can probably see she is afraid.
HELEN
My husband is a good man.

GIB
But he's not exactly ringing your
bell lately, right? I mean--

Harry covers the mike and whips around on Gib.

HARRY
Let me handle this part. Do you
mind?
(to Helen)
Why did you go to Carlos'
hideout?

HELEN
He wanted me to go with him on a
mission, to pose as him wife.

HARRY
And you agreed?

HELEN
Yes.

HARRY
(amazed)
Why?

Helen searches herself for the explanation.

HELEN
I don't know. I guess I needed
something...

HARRY
What did you need?

HELEN
I needed to feel alive. I wanted
to do something... outrageous.
And... I don't know... it felt
good to be needed. To be
trusted. To be special.

In verbalizing it she just feels smaller, more pathetic that
she ever did. She hates the unseen voices for making for try
to explain her deepest, unvoiced needs.
HELEN
There's so much I wanted to do in
this life, and it's like I
haven't done any of it. And the
sand's running out of the
hourglass. I want to be able to
look back and say: See! I did
that. It was wild and it was
reckless and outrageous and I
fucking did it!
(she glares at the
mirror)
And I frankly don't give a shit
if you understand this or not.

Gib looks at Harry, eyebrows raised. Whew! Harry is studying
his wife like she's some fantastic new species.

HARRY
This Simon. Did you sleep with
him?

HELEN
No.

GIB
(covering the mike)
She's lying.

HARRY
You didn't have sexual relations
with him?

HELEN
(acidly)
Look, if you ask me everything
twice, this is going to take a
really long time. And I have to
get home to my family.

GIB
You're not going anywhere.

Helen loses it. It is fury and fear, tears and rage all at
once--

HELEN
Let me out of her! Right now!

HARRY
Answer the question--

She picks up her stool and charges toward the mirror, swinging
it with all her might. It bounces off harmlessly.
HELEN
(she swings again,
yelling)
I didn't sleep with him!
(and again--WHAM!)
You hear me, you chickenshit
bastards--

WHAM! She hits the mirror again.

GIB (INHUMAN VOICE)
Everyone tries. It's
unbreakable.

WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! The mirror suddenly stars from side to
side with huge cracks. She's about to beat her way through it.

Genres: Action, Thriller, Drama
Tone: Intense, Emotional, Confrontational, Tense

Summary In this tense and confrontational scene, Helen is interrogated by Harry and Gib about her relationship with suspected criminal Simon. Despite their aggressive questioning tactics, Helen denies having an affair with Simon and becoming increasingly defensive. The conflict between the interrogators and the suspect remains unresolved, as Helen becomes enraged and attacks the mirror in the interrogation room. The scene highlights the power dynamic between the interrogators and Helen, and the significant visual elements include the mirror and Helen's increasing agitation and anger.

Strengths

Intense dialogue
Emotional depth
Revealing character interactions
High stakes

Weaknesses

Some repetitive questioning
Limited physical action

General Critique

The dialogue between Harry and Helen is too clinical and expository. It feels like they are reciting facts rather than having a real conversation.
The back-and-forth between Harry and Gib feels forced and unnatural. It's clear that they are trying to get information from Helen, but it doesn't come across as authentic.
The scene lacks tension and suspense. There's no real sense of danger or urgency.
The interrogation room setting is too sterile and clinical. It would be more effective to have the interrogation take place in a more realistic and intimidating setting.
The scene ends abruptly with Helen smashing the mirror. It would be more effective to have the scene end with a more dramatic and satisfying conclusion.

General Suggestions

Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and conversational.
Add more tension and suspense to the scene by having Harry and Gib threaten Helen or by having her make a desperate escape attempt.
Make the interrogation room setting more realistic and intimidating by adding details such as dirty walls, flickering lights, and a one-way mirror.
Give the scene a more dramatic and satisfying conclusion by having Helen reveal a shocking secret or by having Harry and Gib make a breakthrough in the case.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, emotionally charged, and reveals crucial information about the characters. The intense dialogue and conflict keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-stakes interrogation scene where deep emotions, secrets, and conflicts are revealed is executed effectively. The scene delves into the characters' motivations and inner turmoil.

Plot: 9

The plot thickens as secrets are uncovered, relationships are tested, and the stakes are raised. The scene advances the story by revealing key information and setting up future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on themes of infidelity and desperation, with characters who are complex and conflicted. The dialogue feels authentic and raw.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex, with hidden depths and conflicting emotions. Their interactions in this scene reveal their vulnerabilities, desires, and motivations.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional turmoil and revelations that lead to personal growth and self-reflection. Their perspectives and relationships are challenged, leading to potential character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Helen's internal goal is to feel alive, to do something outrageous and reckless to break free from her mundane life. She wants to feel special and needed.

External Goal: 7

Helen's external goal is to convince the interrogators of her innocence and to get out of the interrogation room to go back to her family.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with characters facing emotional turmoil, betrayal, and the consequences of their actions. Tensions run high as secrets are revealed and relationships are tested.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and emotional outbursts that keep the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing the consequences of their actions, betrayal, and deception. The emotional and personal risks are significant, adding tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information, deepening conflicts, and setting up future events. It adds layers to the plot and characters, driving the narrative towards a climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional outbursts and the characters' conflicting motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between societal expectations of fidelity and the desire for excitement and fulfillment in life. Helen struggles with the idea of being a good wife and mother while also wanting to break free from the constraints of her marriage.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience. The raw honesty, fear, anger, and regret displayed by the characters make the scene emotionally impactful.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is intense, emotional, and revealing. It drives the conflict forward and adds depth to the characters' relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional intensity, and the characters' internal conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with moments of emotional intensity and reflection.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical interrogation room format but adds tension and depth through the characters' emotional struggles.

209 INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - NIGHT

INSIDE THE OBSERVATION ROOM Harry and Gib jump back.

GIB
She could be telling the truth.

HARRY
(to Helen)
Wait! Calm down, Mrs. Tasker.
There is only one more question.

Helen drops the stool. She stands there panting. Her fury
spent, she begins to cry.

HELEN
What?

HARRY
Do you still love your husband?

HELEN
(softly)
Yes.

HARRY
Louder please.

HELEN
I love him. I have always loved
him and I will always love him.
(she wipes at her eyes)
Can I go home, please?

210 INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - NIGHT

INSIDE THE OBSERVATION ROOM Harry states at her. He smiles.
GIB
Now what?

HARRY
(leaning forward to the
mike)
There is only one solution to
your problem, Mrs. Tasker. You
must work for us.

GIB
(whispering to Harry)
Oh shit. Harry... what're you
doing?

HARRY
(like: isn't it
obvious?)
I'm giving her an assignment.
(to Helen)
I am offerring you a choice. If
you work for us we will drop the
charges and you can go back to
your normal life. If not, you
will go to federal prison, and
your husband and daughter will be
left humiliated and alone. Your
like will be destroyed.

HELEN
Oh, gee thanks. Mmmm, let me see--

HARRY
Yes or no.

HELEN
What do you think? Of course
yes! What's involved?

HARRY
You will be contacted with the
assignment.

HELEN
My husband can't know about this.

HARRY
No one must know! Especially
him. You must appear to live
your life normally, conveying
nothing. The security of this
nation depends on it. Can you do
that?

HELEN
I think so.
HARRY
Think carefully. You will be
lying to the man you love. The
person who trusts you the most.

HELEN
(fearless)
I can do it!

HARRY
The code name of your contact
will be Boris. Your code name
will be--

HELEN
(excited)
Natasha?

HARRY
No. Doris.

211 INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT

ON HELEN, not liking her wimpy code-name.

212 EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT

The unit-seven van pulls up in the spooky shadows under the
bridge, stopping next to Helen's red Accord. The door slides
open and Helen gets out, helped my black-garbed hands. She is
wearing her hood, which is whisked off by one of the hands.
She whirls in time to see the door slide shut and the van speed
off. She watches it drive off into the night.

213 EXT. ROCK QUARRY - NIGHT

The van pulls up near the edge of a large quarry. The door
opens and Simon is pushed out, followed by Harry, who is in his
black jumpsuit and wearing a ski-mask. Gib follows as Harry
guides Simon to the edge of a sheer drop. Harry whips off the
hood and Simon takes in his surroundings.

SIMON
Yeeaoowww!!

HARRY
You son of a bitch. Did you
really think you could elude us
forever, Carlos?

SIMON
Wait! You got the wrong guy. My
name's Simon. Look, just let me
go. There's no need to kill me.
I haven't seen your--
Harry whips off his ski-mask.

SIMON
-- face. Shit! Shit!!

Simon has ducked his head and won't look at Harry. Then it
dawns... He looks up, brightening hopefully.

SIMON
It's you! Hey, you still
interested in that Vette at all?

GIB
You can drop it now, Carlos. The
game is over. Your career as an
inter-national terrorist is too
well documented.

SIMON
No... I sell cars. That's all!
Not even foreign cars. Nothing
international, I swear. I'm no
terrorist. Everything I said was
a lie... you have to believe me.
I'm actually a complete coward.
If I ever even saw a gun I'd--

Harry whips his pistol out in one liquid motion and snaps the
muzzle right in front of Simon's eyes.

SIMON
-- faint. Aahhh! Don't kill me.
I'm not a spy. I'm nothing. I'm
navel lint. I have to lie to
women to get laid. And I don't
score much. It's pathetic.
(he looks down)
See, look... would a spy pee
himself?

Harry is finally sickened by his grovelling. He pulls Simon
away from the edge, then gestures with his gun.

HARRY
Beat it.

SIMON
No. Soon as I turn you'll shoot
me.

Harry starts back to the truck. Simon stays right with him,
facing him, terrified to turn away. Like a dog following him.

SIMON
Please don't. You can have the
car for free--
GIB
Take off, dipshit!

Gib finally shoves Simon back and Harry contemptuously cranks
THREE ROUNDS into the ground by his feet, forcing him to dance
backward. The two agents get into the van and tear off in a
cloud of dust. Leaving Simon alone in the moonlight, miles
from nowhere.

CUT TO:

Genres: Action, Thriller, Drama
Tone: Intense, Suspenseful, Emotional

Summary Helen Tasker is interrogated by Harry and Gib about her husband's alleged crimes, and is offered a deal to work for them as an agent named Doris. Meanwhile, Simon/Carlos is captured and threatened with death, but pleads for his life and is eventually released. The scene takes place at night in various locations and is tense and serious, with significant visual elements including Helen's distress in the interrogation room and Simon/Carlos's pleading in the rock quarry. The scene ends with Simon/Carlos left alone in the moonlight, miles from nowhere.

Strengths

Intense interrogation scene
Complex character dynamics
High-stakes decision-making

Weaknesses

Some dialogue may feel slightly forced or melodramatic

General Critique

The dialogue in this scene is a bit forced and unnatural. The characters sound like they're reading from a script, rather than speaking in a natural way.
The scene is too long. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
The ending of the scene is anticlimactic. The interrogation doesn't really go anywhere, and the audience is left feeling unsatisfied.
The scene doesn't do much to advance the plot. It's mostly just a filler scene that could be cut without losing anything important.
The characters are not well-developed. The audience doesn't learn much about them or their motivations.

General Suggestions

Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
Shorten the scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
Add some more conflict to the interrogation to make it more exciting.
Give the scene a more satisfying ending.
Develop the characters more so that the audience can learn more about them and their motivations.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and moves the story forward significantly. It introduces a new dynamic with Helen's undercover assignment and sets up potential conflicts and character development.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Helen being recruited for an undercover mission adds depth to the plot and introduces new layers of intrigue and suspense.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with the introduction of Helen's undercover assignment and the revelation of her willingness to deceive her husband for the greater good.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the spy genre by focusing on the personal and moral dilemmas faced by the characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Helen, Harry, and Gib, show depth and complexity in this scene. Helen's internal conflict and Harry's tough decision-making add to the tension.

Character Changes: 7

Helen undergoes a significant change as she agrees to work undercover, showing her willingness to sacrifice for the greater good. This decision marks a turning point in her character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect her family and maintain her love for her husband while navigating a dangerous situation. This reflects her deeper need for security, love, and loyalty.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to work for the agents in exchange for dropping charges against her and protecting her family. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in order to ensure her family's safety and her own freedom.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Helen's loyalty to her husband and her commitment to the mission creates a tense and dramatic atmosphere. The power dynamics between the characters add to the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing difficult choices and conflicting loyalties. The audience is kept in suspense about the outcome of her decisions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Helen is faced with a life-changing decision that could impact her family and her own safety. The tension and suspense are heightened by the consequences of her choice.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new mission for Helen and setting up potential conflicts and betrayals. It adds layers of complexity to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' choices and the moral dilemmas they face. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's loyalty to her husband and the moral dilemma of betraying him for the greater good of national security. This challenges her beliefs about honesty, trust, and sacrifice.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact is high as Helen faces a difficult decision that could have far-reaching consequences. Her internal struggle and the stakes involved evoke strong emotions.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the characters' motivations and inner turmoil. It drives the scene forward and adds to the emotional intensity.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, emotional conflict, and suspenseful atmosphere. The audience is drawn into the characters' dilemmas and decisions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments, emotional beats, and character interactions. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in conveying the characters' dilemmas.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful thriller, with escalating tension, dramatic reveals, and character interactions driving the narrative forward.

214 INT./ EXT. SEDAN - DAY

TIGHT ON LOCATOR SCREEN as a blip moves across the grid of city
streets. Gib drives while Harry watches the screen.

HARRY
We should pick up visual at the
next light.

The scrambler phone in Harry's briefcase rings. He picks it
up.

HARRY
Morning, boss.

215 INT. OMEGA SECTOR - DAY

INTERCUT WITH SEDAN. Spencer Trilby stands glowering as he
talks to Harry.

TRILBY
Harry, this report on last
night's operation is the thinnest
piece of crap I've ever seen from
you. I'm sure you won't mind
giving me a little more detail on
why all these assets were
deployed.

216 INT./EXT. SEDAN - DAY

HARRY
Absolutely. But can it wait?
I'm on a critical surveillance
right now.

Harry spots something up ahead. He snaps his fingers and
points, then whips a pair of gyro-stabilized binoculars to his
eyes.
HARRY'S POV THROUGH SCOPE: Trent, on the Yamaha with Dana on
the back, rides through the intersection up ahead. Dana bops
to the sound coming over her walkman headphones as Trent zips
between cars. Gib makes the turn, pulling in behind them at a
distance.

TRILBY
Harry. Is there anything you
want to tell me?

HARRY
(innocently)
No. Not that I can think of.

THE CAMERA PUSHES IN ominously on Spencer Trilby.

TRILBY
Harry? You know we never fire
anybody.

Click. Harry hangs up the phone slowly.

GIB
We're dead, right? So...
where'd you put the transmitter?

HARRY
In her Walkman. It's the one
thing I knew she'd be taking.

217 EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY

Harry walks toward the closed warehouse doors, past Trent's
parked Yamaha. We hear MUSIC from inside.

218 INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY

INSIDE THE WAREHOUSE, we see what it is that Dana has been
doing when she skips school. A garage band of teenagers,
mostly older than her, are playing loudly. Dana has the
microphone, belting out a punchy cover of the old Cream classic
"Sunshine of Your Love". The guitar parts have been industrial-
ized, and it actually sounds pretty hip.

Harry watches from the shadows, standing behind a pillar not
far from the stage. Watching his daughter gyrating in the
spotlight. His reaction is hard to read.

219 INT. WAREHOUSE - CLOSE UP OF CIRCUIT-BREAKER - DAY

TIGHT ON THE MASTER CIRCUIT-BREAKER as Harry's hand throws the
switch.
220 INT. WAREHOUSE - STAGE - DAY

The stage is plunged into darkness and the music stops
abruptly. Before the band members can react, they hear the big
metal doors rolling and sunlight blazes in. Dana stares into
the glare, seeing an ominous silhouette standing there. The
shadowy figure walks toward them.

FIGURE
You! Come with me.

The figure comes straight toward Dana. To her horror is turns
out to be her dad. Her heart stops.

DANA
Oh my Gooooood.

221 EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY

Harry appears through the doors, marching Dana by the arm. He
walks her over to some industrial junk nearby, overgrown with
weeds, and sits her down for a talk.

She is sullen, still mortified from getting dragged out in
front of her friends.

HARRY
There are going to be some
changes Dana. You're going to
start following some rules. And
I'm going to be there to see that
you do.

DANA
Yeah, right.

HARRY
You're going to stay in school.
Do you understand?

DANA
Why? So I can wind up like you?
What's the point?

You think Harry's going to really rain on her parade. But he
doesn't. He becomes very tender. He pushes the hair back from
her face.

HARRY
Did I tell you about the time we
first met?

She looks up at him, puzzled?
HARRY
You were quite young at the time.
All wet and still attached to
your mom by a cord. You opened
your eyes and looked right at me.
And I knew then I would always
love you with all my heart.

Dana stares at her father with a dawning awareness. This is
not just some chump that she has to put up with. This is her
father. He is a part of her. No matter what happens they are
in this thing together. Tears start to run down her cheeks.

HARRY
Somewhere along the way I got
lost, honey. I forgot about what
was really important. I'm sorry
pump-- I mean--

She grabs his in a fierce hug. Harry closes his eyes, letting
the moment purify him.

HARRY
Dana, regarding this singing--

She pulls back, suddenly wary. Oh shit.

HARRY
(grinning)
You were pretty good.

Genres: Action, Thriller, Drama
Tone: Suspenseful, Emotional, Reflective

Summary Harry and his partner, Gib, are on a surveillance mission, staking out Trent and Dana in a sedan. Harry receives a call from his boss, Trilby, who is displeased with a recent report, adding to the tension. After spotting Trent and Dana on a Yamaha at a stoplight, Harry goes to a warehouse where Dana is singing with a garage band. Harry cuts the power, confronts Dana, and shares a tender moment with her, reminiscing about their past. The scene ends with Harry telling Dana that he loves her.

Strengths

Emotional depth
Character development
Authentic dialogue

Weaknesses

Limited external action
Some cliched moments

General Critique

The scene starts with a phone conversation between Harry and his boss, Trilby. The dialogue is clunky and unnatural, with Trilby using phrases like "the thinnest piece of crap I've ever seen" and "I'm sure you won't mind giving me a little more detail". This dialogue could be improved by making it more concise and professional.
After Harry hangs up the phone, he spots Trent and Dana on a motorcycle. He then reveals to Gib that he put a transmitter in Dana's Walkman. This is a convenient plot device that allows Harry to track Dana's movements, but it's not very believable. It's hard to imagine that Dana would be so careless as to leave her Walkman unattended, especially when she's in a public place.
Harry then confronts Dana at her band's warehouse. The dialogue between Harry and Dana is stilted and unnatural. Harry's speech about "the time we first met" is particularly awkward and out of character. It's hard to believe that Harry would be so sentimental and vulnerable in front of his daughter, especially after he's just been chewing her out for skipping school.
The scene ends with Harry and Dana having a heart-to-heart talk. This is a nice moment, but it feels a bit forced and out of place. It's hard to believe that Harry would be so understanding and forgiving after Dana has just been so disrespectful to him.
Overall, this scene is a bit of a mess. The dialogue is clunky, the plot is implausible, and the character interactions are awkward. It's clear that the writer was trying to pack too much into one scene, and as a result, the scene feels rushed and underdeveloped.

General Suggestions

Rewrite the dialogue between Harry and Trilby to make it more concise and professional.
Come up with a more believable way for Harry to track Dana's movements.
Rewrite the dialogue between Harry and Dana to make it more natural and believable.
Consider splitting this scene into two or three shorter scenes. This would give the writer more time to develop the plot and the character interactions.
Consider adding some humor to the scene. This would help to lighten the mood and make the scene more engaging.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends action, drama, and emotional moments, creating a compelling and engaging narrative. The exploration of family dynamics adds depth to the story and characters.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family reconciliation amidst a backdrop of surveillance and high-stakes operations is unique and engaging. It adds layers to the characters and the overall plot.

Plot: 7

The plot effectively weaves together the family dynamics, surveillance operation, and emotional moments. It keeps the audience engaged and interested in the characters' journeys.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a level of originality through its juxtaposition of spy thriller elements with intimate family dynamics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and realism to the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, especially Harry and Dana. Their relationship and emotional journey are central to the scene, adding depth and authenticity to the story.

Character Changes: 8

Both Harry and Dana undergo significant emotional growth and reconciliation in the scene. Their relationship evolves, leading to a deeper understanding and connection.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reconnect with his daughter and establish a deeper emotional bond with her. He wants to show her that he cares and is willing to make changes for her sake.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to complete a critical surveillance operation and handle the fallout from his daughter's behavior. He needs to maintain his cover and deal with the consequences of his daughter's actions.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict between Harry and Dana is emotional and internal, focusing on their relationship and personal growth. It drives the emotional core of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges both in his surveillance operation and in his personal relationships, creating conflict and tension that drives the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 6

While the scene is emotionally intense, the high stakes are more personal and internal, focusing on the characters' relationships and growth.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by developing the characters, deepening the emotional stakes, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it blends elements of spy thriller suspense with unexpected emotional revelations, keeping the audience on their toes and engaged in the characters' evolving relationships.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the balance between duty and personal relationships. The protagonist must navigate his responsibilities as a spy with his role as a father, leading to a conflict between loyalty to his job and loyalty to his family.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, especially in the tender moments between Harry and Dana. It resonates with the audience and adds depth to the characters.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is authentic and emotional, capturing the complex dynamics between Harry and Dana. It enhances the character development and adds depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines suspenseful surveillance action with emotional family drama, keeping the audience invested in the characters' relationships and the outcome of the surveillance operation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, moving seamlessly between action-packed surveillance sequences and heartfelt family interactions.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively intercutting between different locations and characters to build tension and suspense.

222 INT. / EXT. SEDAN - DAY

Dana sits wedged into the front seat between Gib and Harry.
Father and daughter are singing raucously loud, with the
windows down.

HARRY/ DANA
I've been waiting so long To be
where I'm going In the sunshine
of your looooove

They crack up after the long sustain. They are both suffused
with a glow of rediscovery. Harry pulls the car to the curb in
front of Dana's school.

DANA
Dad, how come you know the words?

HARRY
Honey that song came out in 1968,
when I was exactly your age.

DANA
Unbelievable! Trent told me he
wrote it. He's history.
223 INT. TASKER HOUSE - NIGHT

The image of a family dinner. Helen is avoiding Harry's eyes.
Harry looks over at Dana and she gives him a tiny smile. Then
she rises from her half-finished dinner and heads out of the
kitchen.

DANA
I'm done.

HELEN
Where are you off to young lady?

DANA
(pointing toward her
room)
I have a book report.

Helen watches her go. That's strange.

HARRY
So last night was pretty
exciting, huh?

HELEN
(alarmed)
What?
(then smoothly--)
Oh, the flat tire? Yeah, I
thought the damn towtruck was
never going to get there.

Harry smiles, reaching for more chicken. The phone RINGS.
Helen controls the urge to run to it.

HELEN
Hello?

METALLIC VOICE
Doris?

HELEN
Oh. Yes?

224 INT. OMEGA SECTOR - NIGHT

GIB, AT OMEGA SECTOR, uses the SPEECH SYNTHESIZER to disguise
his voice.

GIB
Listen carefully. Go to the
Hotel Marquis in one hour. Pick
up an envelope marked Doris at
the front desk. And dress sexy.
225 INT. TASKER HOUSE - NIGHT

BACK ON HELEN as she reacts to that.

HELEN
What?

VOICE
Get going!
(CLICK)

HELEN
(thinking for a second,
then--)
Uh... well, okay then. You sound
terrible. I'll run out right
now. Just call the prescription
in to the pharmacy. Sure, no
problem. Bye.

Harry smirks, listening to her lie. She's good. The smirk
drops as she turns.

HELEN
Allison is sick in bed. I have
to go over there, honey.

HARRY
Sure, hon.

She walks unhurriedly out of the room. Behind her back, Harry
is grinning. The second Helen is out of his sight line, she
runs up the stairs. Harry waits a moment then picks up the
phone.

226 INT. OMEGA SECTOR/ ELECTRONIC LAB -- NIGHT

Gib is in a corner of the electronics lab, in an area dedicated
to DIGITAL AUDIO PROCESSING. The phone in his briefcase rings.
Gib answers.

GIB
You've reached a new low with
this one. I can't believe you're
crazy enough to use the room at
the Marquis.

HARRY
Why not? You think I can afford
a suite like that on my salary?
Is Jean-Claude done yet? *

Gib looks over at a SOUND RECORDING BOOTH nearby. In it a FAT *
FRENCH AGENT, JEAN-CLAUDE is doing voice recording from a hand- *
written page.
GIB
Not quite.

227 INT. OMEGA SECTOR - INSIDE THE BOOTH - NIGHT

We hear Jean-Claude record a line on a tiny DAT tape recorder. *
He speaks with a cosmopolitan French accent. Close your eyes *
and he's Charles Boyer.

JEAN-CLAUDE *
No no. Do it slowly. Very
slowly.

228 OMITTED *

229 INT. HOTEL MARQUIS - NIGHT

A big luxury hotel downtown, with an opulent lobby. Helen
enters, looking different than we have ever seen her. She has
been commanded to be sexy, and she is. Her black slinky dress
is cut at mid-thigh, showing some good legs we haven't been
aware of. She's pulled her hair back and added pearls. Now
she looks elegant and hot. Playing the role.

Genres: Action, Thriller, Drama
Tone: Tense, Deceptive, Seductive

Summary In this scene, Dana and Harry share a light-hearted moment singing in the car, where Dana is surprised to find out that her father knows the words to a song she thought Trent had written. Meanwhile, Helen receives a call from Gib, disguising his voice, instructing her to pick up an envelope from a hotel. She lies to Harry about visiting a sick friend, but instead runs upstairs, arousing Harry's suspicion. The scene ends with Harry calling Gib to confirm his suspicions, setting the stage for further conflicts and revelations.

Strengths

Intriguing plot development
Tension-filled dialogue
Emotional depth in character interactions

Weaknesses

Some elements of deception may be confusing for the audience

General Critique

The scene is too short and doesn't provide enough context for the reader to understand what is happening.
The dialogue is stilted and unnatural.
The characters are not well-developed and their motivations are unclear.
The scene lacks a clear conflict or goal.
The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying.

General Suggestions

Expand the scene to provide more context and background information.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
Develop the characters more fully and give them clear motivations.
Add a clear conflict or goal to the scene.
Rewrite the ending of the scene to make it more satisfying.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends action, drama, and suspense, keeping the audience engaged with its twists and turns.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Helen being recruited for a covert operation adds depth to the storyline and introduces new layers of intrigue.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with Helen's involvement in the mission, leading to increased tension and conflict.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a mix of family drama, technological intrigue, and mystery, offering a fresh take on familiar themes.

Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Helen, Simon, and Harry, show complexity and depth in their interactions, adding emotional depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Helen undergoes a significant change as she agrees to work with Simon, showcasing her willingness to take risks for a greater cause.

Internal Goal: 8

Dana's internal goal is to understand her father's past and connect with him on a deeper level.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the mysterious instructions given to Gib and Helen.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high as Helen is caught between her loyalty to her family and the allure of the dangerous mission with Simon.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene adds complexity and intrigue, keeping the audience guessing about the characters' motivations.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Helen is drawn into a dangerous mission that could have serious consequences for her and her family.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new plot development and raising the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the mysterious phone call and hidden agendas of the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the theme of trust and deception, as characters navigate hidden agendas and secrets.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact is significant as Helen grapples with conflicting emotions and the consequences of her choices.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and deception present in the scene, enhancing the overall atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its mix of humor, suspense, and character dynamics, keeping the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining audience interest.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with smooth transitions between locations and character interactions.

230 INT. HOTEL - FRONT DESK - NIGHT

She goes to the front desk and signals the ASSISTANT MANAGER
with her eyes. He comes over to her.

HELEN
Do you have an envelope for
Doris?

The man nods. Saying nothing, he reaches under the counter and
hands her the envelope. She opens it as she walks across the
lobby. In contains a room key, a small bugging device, and a
phone number.

231 INT. HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT

TIGHT ON A PAY PHONE as Helen finishes dialing the number. She
scans the lobby as the phone rings--

METALLIC VOICE
Listen. You are a prostitute
named Michelle. Go to the room.
A man will be there. He is a
suspected arms dealer.

HELEN
Do I have to... you know-- ?
VOICE
No. He has particular tastes.
He likes to watch. You will say
his regular girl, Carla, is sick.
If he likes you, he will tell you
what to do. You must plant the
bug near the telephone, by the
bed, before you leave. If you do
not accomplish your mission, the
deal is off.

232 INT. HOTEL/ TENTH FLOOR - NIGHT

Helen exits an elevator and walks down the long hallway toward
the suite. She stops by a mirror and checks her look. Decides
she is too uptown. She pulls the neckline of her dress down so
it shows more shoulder, then hitches up the hem. Ditches the
pearls. Puts on some red lipstick.

Now she doesn't look hot and elegant... just hot. She
practices a slinky walk, getting into the role.

Suddenly she remembers her wedding ring. She pulls on it. It
probably hasn't been off in years. She licks her finger and *
twists it off. Yoww! She puts it on her right hand and turns *
the modest diamond palm-side in . . . Out of site. Then, *
reading the number off the key, she goes to the room and
unlocks the door.

233 INT. SUITE - NIGHT

Helen comes in hesitantly. The lights are off. The suite is
large and richly furnished, with a breathtaking view of the
city. It is the room Harry was using, posing as Renquist. A
FRENCH-ACCENTED VOICE comes from the next room.

VOICE
In here.

She goes into the bedroom. There is a dark figure sitting in
a chair, just a silhouette.

MAN
Step into the light.

It is a corner room. The drapes on one side are closed,
shadowing the man, but open on the other just enough to let in
a slash of moonlight. She steps forward into it.

TIGHT CLOSE UP on the figure. We can just make out that it is
Harry, though Helen cannot. TILT DOWN to show his hand, out of
sight behind the chair-arm, as he manipulates the pause button
on the DAT tape deck.
HELEN
I'm Michelle. Carla's sick. She
thought you might like me, so --

Harry goes SSSSHHHH. Silencing her gently. He silently clicks
off the PAUSE button. The DAT recorder plays. Charles Boyer,
deep and hypnotic, speaks from Harry's outline. Harry
lipsynchs.

HARRY (TAPE)
Let me do the talking. You are *
very pretty. You may start by *
unzipping your dress.

PAUSE button. She starts to yank the zipper down. *

HARRY (TAPE)
No no. Do it slowly. Very
slowly.

Helen turns her back to him, and draws the zipper down *
languorously, revealing her creamy back. She is not wearing a *
bra. *

HARRY (TAPE)
Now slip the dress down... *
slowly.

Helen is starting to get into the ritual. She lets the dress *
slip off her shoulders. It slides down her body to the floor. *
She steps out of it, still in high heels. *

HARRY (TAPE)
Now slide the nylons off one by
one.

HELEN
(puzzled)
I'm not wearing any.

Harry winces. He starts the next line immediately.

HARRY (TAPE)
That's good. Now the panties. *

The ritual continues as she strips slowly (this will be
tastefully done). She conceals the bugging device in her hand
as she sets her clothes on the bed near the phone. Helen is
still concentrating on her mission.

HARRY (TAPE)
Now turn, cheri, in the
moonlight. Let your body flow
like water.

She turns. Her skin is beautiful in the silvery light.
HARRY (TAPE)
Now dance for me. Go on.

Helen has no idea what to do, but she improvises quite well.
The scrutiny of the shadowed man, who is fully clothed, and her
raw vulnerability are a quiveringly powerful erotic
combination.

HARRY (TAPE)
Let your hands be a lover's hands
on your own skin as you move.
Yes, that's it.

TIGHT ON Harry's eyes as he studies her. His game, meant to
give her a dangerous fantasy, is actually turning him on
mightily. He is amazed to see her playing the role, getting
into it. This is not the Helen is thought he knew for sixteen
years.

HARRY (TAPE)
Now, lie on the bed and close
your eyes.

She does. Harry rises and goes to her, bringing the tape deck.

HARRY (TAPE)
Keep them closed. Do not open
them.

He sits on the bed, next to her, but without touching her. He
strokes her hair, lovingly. Then runs his fingertips over her
eyes, down her cheeks. To her it feels delicate and delicious.
Part of her is enjoying this a lot. But Helen is torn between
wanting to flee and knowing that nothing the man has done so
far is enough to cause her to abort her mission.

HELEN
I thought you only liked to
watch.

Harry goes SSSHHH. It's all he can do. He bends over her and
brings his lips slowly down to her. He touches them to hers so
slowly that she barely knows he is kissing her. Then he takes
her in a passionate kiss.

And she grabs the lamp on the bedside table and SMASHES IT OVER
HIS HEAD. Harry flies off onto the floor, groaning and
semiconscious.

Helen flips on the light and grabs her clothes, starting to
dress rapidly. She still doesn't recognize Harry, who is face
down. He groans and starts to rise. She kicks him in the ribs
and finishes putting her dress on. She sticks the bug under
the night table and grabs her shoes. Mission accomplished,
motherfuckers.
Harry grabs her ankle. She raises one shoe to kosh him again,
and sees who it is. Freezeframe. Total shock. She can't even
form the question.

HELEN
Harry-- ?!

Genres: Thriller, Drama
Tone: Tense, Erotic, Suspenseful, Shocking

Summary Helen, posing as a prostitute, goes to a hotel room to plant a bug and meets Harry, an arms dealer. Despite her initial reluctance, she follows his prerecorded commands, which are given in a French accent. However, when Harry realizes that Helen is reacting erotically to his commands, he is taken aback. In a sudden turn of events, Helen knocks Harry unconscious and flees the scene, still unaware of his true identity. The scene is tense, suspenseful, and has a hint of eroticism.

Strengths

Tension-filled atmosphere
Shocking twist
Emotionally charged dialogue
Complex character dynamics

Weaknesses

Potential for confusion with the multiple layers of deception and identity

General Critique

The scene is well-written with a clear narrative and progression, but it could benefit from some tightening up and clarification in a few areas.
The introduction of the hotel assistant manager and the exchange of the envelope could be condensed to be more concise.
The dialogue between Helen and the voice on the phone could be more impactful with some rephrasing and more direct language.
The description of Helen's actions as she prepares for her mission is detailed and vivid, but could be streamlined to avoid repetition.
The reveal of Harry as the man in the room is well-executed, but the following description of his actions could be more concise and clear.
The scene's focus on Helen's perspective is effective, but could be more intentional and consistent to heighten the tension and confusion.

General Suggestions

Consider combining the introduction of the hotel assistant manager and the exchange of the envelope into a single, more concise sentence or two.
Experiment with more direct language and rephrasing in the dialogue between Helen and the voice on the phone to increase the tension and urgency.
Review the description of Helen's actions as she prepares for her mission and consider removing or condensing any repetitive or unnecessary details.
Evaluate the description of Harry's actions in the room and consider rephrasing or reorganizing for clarity and concision.
Consider emphasizing Helen's perspective and confusion throughout the scene to heighten the tension and surprise of the reveal at the end.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, suspense, and a shocking twist that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The emotional intensity and conflict add depth to the characters and story.

Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of an undercover operation involving seduction, mistaken identities, and betrayal is executed brilliantly in this scene. The twist of Helen realizing she is seducing her own husband adds a layer of complexity and intrigue.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear objective for the characters and a series of escalating events that lead to a dramatic climax. The revelation of Harry's true identity adds a significant twist to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on espionage and deception, blending elements of suspense and moral ambiguity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding to the originality of the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their emotions and motivations are effectively portrayed. The scene delves into the inner conflicts and vulnerabilities of Helen and Harry, adding depth to their relationship.

Character Changes: 8

Both Helen and Harry undergo significant emotional changes in this scene, as they grapple with the consequences of their actions and the revelation of their true identities. The experience deepens their characters and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

Helen's internal goal is to successfully complete her mission while maintaining her cover and composure. This reflects her need for validation, competence, and control in a high-stakes situation.

External Goal: 9

Helen's external goal is to plant the bug and gather information without blowing her cover. This goal reflects the immediate challenge she faces in the scene and the consequences of failure.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, from the tension of the undercover operation to the emotional turmoil of Helen discovering Harry's true identity. The conflict drives the narrative forward and heightens the stakes.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Helen facing multiple obstacles and challenges that threaten the success of her mission. The audience is kept in suspense about the outcome, adding to the tension and drama.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the undercover operation, the revelation of Harry and Helen's true identities, and the emotional consequences of their actions raise the tension and suspense to a peak. The characters' lives and relationships are on the line.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the characters and their relationships, setting the stage for further developments in the plot. The twist at the end propels the narrative in a new direction.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist at the end, where Helen realizes the true identity of the man she is interacting with. The audience is kept on edge by the shifting dynamics and revelations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the moral ambiguity of Helen's actions. She is forced to engage in deceptive and potentially dangerous behavior for a greater cause, challenging her beliefs and values.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and suspense to shock and betrayal. The revelation of Harry and Helen's true identities adds a powerful emotional punch to the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense, seductive, and emotionally charged, reflecting the complex dynamics between the characters. The use of the tape recorder to guide Helen's actions adds a unique and suspenseful element.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, suspenseful atmosphere, and complex character dynamics. The tension and conflict keep the audience invested in the outcome of the mission.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual buildup of tension, a climactic confrontation, and a resolution that leaves room for future developments. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness in conveying the characters' goals and conflicts.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, a climax, and a resolution. The pacing and formatting contribute to the effectiveness of the scene in conveying the characters' goals and conflicts.

234 INT. SUITE DOOR - NIGHT

CRASH!! The door lock is shattered by tremendous force and
THREE MEN burst into the room. We may recognize them as
workers from Juno's shop. They are wielding pistols and are
clearly part of Malik's terrorist brigade.

Harry is still groggy, and he doesn't want to start anything
with Helen there, and risk her getting shot. He acquiesces as
they pull him to his feet.

HELEN
He's got nothing to do with this.
It's me you want, right?

HARRY
(to lead TERRORIST)
Let the hooker go. She's not
important.

HELEN
Harry, be quiet. Let me handle
this.

LEAD TERRORIST
Shutup, both of you.

During this exchange, the thugs have handcuffed Harry's hands
behind his back. The leader gestures to one of the men to
bring Helen along. Helen and Harry are dragged roughly out of
the room with pistol-muzzles stuck in their ribs.

235 INT. STAIRWELL - NIGHT

The door from the corridor bangs open and the thugs hustle
Harry and Helen down the fire-escape stairs.

HELEN
Listen, you don't need him, he's
nothing. He's a sales rep for a
computer company, really--

The thug leader cuffs her across the head to shut her up.

HELEN
That was unnecessary.
236 INT. HOTEL BASEMENT - NIGHT *

A stairwell door opens and the terrorists rush Harry and Helen *
through the basement labyrinth. *

HELEN
What were you doing there?

HARRY
You wouldn't believe me.

A pistol muzzle is jammed hard behind Helen's ear.

TERRORIST LEADER
Talk again, I kill you.

They are hustled across a loading dock to a RENTAL VAN waiting *
with the door open. A fourth terrorist slides the van door *
shut after they get in and gets in behind the wheel. The van *
takes off.

CUT TO: *

237 OMITTED *

238 EXT. AIRPORT - NIGHT

The rental van pulls up to a G-3 JET warming up outside a
private hanger. The van doors open and the hostages are
brought out. Harry sees a long black LIMO pulling up behind
the van. The driver, an enormous man names AKBAR, hurries to
open the passenger door. A slender pair of ankles emerge,
followed by the rest of Juno Skinner, looking devastatingly
beautiful but now quite sinister.

To Helen it is like a living James Bond film, with the jet, the
limo, the terrorists, and now an exotic femme fatale, dressed
to kill, approaching them.

JUNO
(with a wry smile)
Hello, Harry.

HARRY
Juno. I wish I could say it's a
pleasure to see you again.

HELEN
You know her?

Juno signals with her eyes and the terrorists march the
prisoners toward the plane.

JUNO
Who's your little friend?
HELEN
I'm Helen Tasker. Harry's my
husband. And you are?

JUNO
(to Harry)
So now it's Tasker? Not
Renquist?

239 INT. G-3 JET - NIGHT

They enter the luxurious passenger cabin of the plane. Helen
has never seen anything like this.

HELEN
Look, Harry's not part of this.
He's just a sales rep.

JUNO
No, my dear, he is a federal
agent. He killed two of my
colleagues the other night.

HELEN
No, you don't understand, we've
been married for 15 years--

HARRY
Look, Juno, this is just some
whacko hooker I met in the bar.

AKBAR and the other terrorists push Helen and Harry into seats
and strap them in.

HELEN
Harry, what's the matter with
you? Tell them the truth. We're
married, we have a daughter--

HARRY
(looking at Helen
contemptuously)
I don't know what this crazy
bitch is on. You should just cut
her loose, so we can get down to
business.

HELEN
Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Then where
did I get this?

Helen grabs the locket, dangling on a chain around her neck,
and opens it to show Juno.

THE PICTURE IN THE LOCKET -- Harry and Helen together, smiling.
Harry roles his eyes. Great, Helen. A FLIGHT HOSTESS walks up
carrying a tray. Juno smiles graciously at Helen.

JUNO
Something before take-off?

The hostess whips a PNEUMATIC INJECTOR off the tray and zaps
Helen in the shoulder.

HELEN
Oooowww!! That hurt. You biii--

She slumps. Juno looks at Harry.

JUNO
She was telling the truth, wasn't
she Harry? She really doesn't
know. Interesting.

Juno nods and the hostess zaps Harry. He slides into
unconsciousness as the plane engines begin to SCREAM.

Genres: Action, Thriller, Drama
Tone: Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic

Summary In this tense and suspenseful scene, three men from Malik's terrorist brigade burst into Harry's hotel suite, handcuff him and Helen, and drag them to a rental van. They take them to a private airport and bring them onto a G-3 jet, where they are strapped in and served a drink laced with a tranquilizer. Harry and Helen have a conflicted relationship, with Helen trying to explain their situation to the terrorists, but Harry denies knowing her. The scene ends with them passing out as the plane takes off.

Strengths

Intense and suspenseful atmosphere
Complex and engaging plot twists
Strong character dynamics and emotional depth

Weaknesses

Some dialogue may come off as cliched or melodramatic

General Critique

**The scene lacks a strong story goal or throughline.** It's not clear what the characters are trying to achieve or what the stakes are. As a result, the scene feels unfocused and meandering.
**The dialogue is stilted and unnatural.** The characters speak in a way that people don't actually talk. This makes it difficult for the reader to connect with the characters or the story.
**The pacing is slow and plodding.** The scene drags on without much happening. This makes it difficult for the reader to stay engaged with the story.
**The scene is full of unnecessary details.** The writer includes a lot of information that is not relevant to the story. This clutters up the scene and makes it difficult for the reader to focus on what is important.
**The scene ends abruptly.** The scene ends without any resolution or closure. This leaves the reader feeling unsatisfied and confused.

General Suggestions

**Give the scene a strong story goal or throughline.** What are the characters trying to achieve? What are the stakes? Once you have a clear goal in mind, you can start to write the scene in a way that moves towards that goal.
**Make the dialogue more natural.** Read your dialogue aloud to see if it sounds like something people would actually say. If it doesn't, revise it until it does.
**Speed up the pacing.** Cut out any unnecessary details and keep the action moving. The reader should always be on the edge of their seat, wondering what will happen next.
**Focus on the essential details.** Only include the details that are necessary to tell the story. Everything else is just clutter.
**Give the scene a satisfying ending.** The ending should resolve the conflict and leave the reader feeling satisfied. If you're not sure how to end the scene, try brainstorming different possibilities with a writing partner or friend.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, suspenseful, and emotionally charged, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats with its high-stakes hostage situation and unexpected revelations.

Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a mistaken identity leading to a hostage situation adds depth and complexity to the plot, creating a sense of urgency and danger for the characters.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping and fast-paced, with twists and turns that keep the audience engaged and guessing about the characters' true motivations and allegiances.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar trope of a hostage situation by adding elements of deception and betrayal within the protagonist's relationship. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Harry and Helen, are well-developed and their conflicting emotions and actions add depth to the scene. Juno Skinner is introduced as a mysterious and dangerous antagonist.

Character Changes: 7

The characters, especially Helen, undergo a significant change as they are forced to confront their true identities and face the consequences of their actions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect his wife and navigate the dangerous situation they find themselves in. This reflects his deeper need for safety and security for his loved ones.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to survive and escape from the terrorists who have captured him and his wife. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with the characters facing physical danger as well as emotional turmoil and moral dilemmas.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing difficult obstacles and challenges that keep the audience on edge. The uncertainty of how the characters will overcome the opposition adds to the suspense of the scene.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in the scene, with the characters' lives on the line and their true identities at risk of being exposed.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new conflicts, revelations, and challenges for the characters to overcome.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and dialogue. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the protagonist's struggle between telling the truth about his identity and relationship with his wife, or maintaining a facade to protect himself and his wife from further harm. This challenges his beliefs about honesty and loyalty.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, including fear, tension, and empathy for the characters caught in a dangerous situation.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, revealing the characters' true feelings and motivations in a high-pressure situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and tense dialogue. The audience is invested in the characters' fates and eager to see how they will escape from the dangerous situation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense gradually, leading to a climactic moment of conflict and resolution. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

240 EXT. AIRPORT - NIGHT

The G-3 lifts into the night sky, turning south.

241 EXT. PIER - NIGHT

A small FREIGHTER is tied up to a half-crumbling pier. Next to
the pier is a dilapidated corrugated-metal warehouse building,
two stories high. There are floodlights on the dock but beyond
is black night, with the ghostly shapes of mangroves and palms.
It is an abandoned facility on what appears to be a tiny island
in the Caribbean.

There is a lot of activity. Three U-RENT TRUCKS are parked by
the warehouse, as well as some other vehicles. About thirty
men, clearly CRIMSON JIHAD TERRORISTS are busy at various
activities. Many of them carry AK47 assault rifles.

MALIK is supervizing them as they finish unloading a tarp-
covered object about 15 feet high from the ship. A rusting
gantry crane trundles it into the warehouse. Malik looks up as
an AEROSPATIALE HELICOPTER thunders toward them over the black
Caribbean water.

The helicopter lands and Juno steps down from the front door.
The sliding door is opened and Akbar and the others pull a
groggy Harry and Helen out of the aircraft. They are covered
by hoods.

Malik walks up to them and pulls their hoods off. Harry takes
in his surroundings and looks back into the eyes of Malik.
Lethal energy flows between them.
MALIK
Who is this woman?

JUNO
His wife.

MALIK
(seeing the
possibilities)
His wife? Good. Bring them.

242 INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

Malik leads the entourage into the warehouse, where brilliant
floodlights illuminate--

THREE HUGE STONE FIGURES, lined up in the middle of the space.
The tarp is removes from the object they just unloaded,
revealing a FOURTH STATUE. The figures are cracked and
obscured by centuries, but they are unmistakably warriors
mounted on horseback. The legs and arms are missing on some,
but the massive heads and necks remain.

JUNO
Incredible, aren't they? Warrior
figures from the Persian Empire
of Darius the First, around 500
BC. I call them "The Four
Horsemen".

She approaches the nearest figure, caressing its flank. A man
with a jackhammer steps up to her.

JUNO
They're absolutely priceless.

She shrugs and nods to the man with the jackhammer. He blasts
right into the body of one of the Horseman, destroying it.
Stone fragments fall away, revealing a cavity cut with great
precision inside the figure.

Inside is a BRIGHT METAL CONTAINER. Four terrorists pull it
out and set it on the ground. It is six feet long and coffin-
like. Malik steps up to it, his eyes glistening. A hush has
fallen over the group.

MALIK
Open it.

The latches are released and the lid lifted. Inside is
machined metal object, roughly conical, about five feet long.
Malik signals to Harry to step closer and look.

MALIK
Do you know what this is?
HARRY
Can you give me a clue? It could
be a water heater for all I know.

Malik grabs Helen, jerking her roughly forward. He whips out
a knife and inserts the point under Helen's jaw, forcing her
head back and drawing blood.

MALIK
Do you know why you have been
brought here?

HELEN
N-no.

MALIK
So that this man can verify to
the world that Crimson Jihad is
now a nuclear power.

HELEN
How can Harry do that? He's a
salesman for chrissakes.

MALIK
If we were wrong about him...
then the last thing you see will
be your blood spraying in his
face.

Harry steps forward, his face grim.

HARRY
This is a Soviet MIRV-Six, from
an SS-22N launch vehicle. The
warhead contains 14.5 kilos of
enriched uranium, with a
plutonium trigger. The nominal
yield is 10 kilotons.
(in Arabic, subtitled) *
Release her and I'll cooperate.

Malik lowers the knife from her jaw. He turns away from her
like she has ceased to exist and yells at the terrorists to
remove the other weapons. Jackhammers tear into the stone
figures.

Helen is just staring at Harry, her mouth open. He turns to
her, not knowing what to say. He shrugs sheepishly.

HARRY
What can I say? I'm a spy.

She just looks at him for a long time. She moves closer,
staring and staring, letting it sink in. Then she hauls off
and slugs him right in the jaw so hard is almost knocks him
down.
HELEN
You bastard!! You lying son of
a bitch!!

Terrorists grabs her and restrain her. She starts to cry.

HARRY
I'm sorry, honey.

HELEN
Don't call me honey! You don't
ever get to call me honey again.
You understand?! You pig!

Juno looks at them both and laughs. She offers Helen a tissue.

JUNO
Here you go, dear.

NEARBY, Akbar is going through the contents of Helen's handbag
and Harry's wallet. He rips open the bottom stitching and
pulls out the geo-positioning transmitter.

AKBAR
Abu! Look at this! *

Malik looks at the tracker and then smashes it to the floor.
Helen looks at the crushed transmitter. She stares at Harry
with dawning realization.

HELEN
You bugged me?!!

Juno cracks up at this.

Genres: Action, Thriller, Drama
Tone: Intense, Suspenseful, Dramatic, Emotional

Summary A tense scene unfolds at a Caribbean island warehouse, where a fourth stone figure of a Persian warrior is unloaded from a freighter. The figure contains a Soviet MIRV-Six nuclear weapon, and Malik threatens to kill Helen, Harry's wife, if Harry doesn't cooperate. Harry and Helen's relationship is strained as they learn about each other's secrets, including Harry's life as a salesman and spy, and Helen's discovery of a geo-positioning transmitter in her handbag. The scene ends with Helen punching Harry in the face, as Juno laughs at the situation.

Strengths

Intense action
Emotional depth
High stakes
Dramatic confrontations

Weaknesses

Some elements may be too intense for sensitive viewers

General Critique

The scene is well-written and engaging. It has a good balance of action, dialogue, and exposition and the characters are well-developed and relatable.
The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, and the stakes are high. The reader is invested in the characters and wants to know what happens next.
The dialogue is natural and believable, and the characters' interactions are believable and natural.
The scene is well-paced and the action flows smoothly. The reader is never bored and the scene never drags.
The scene is visually interesting and the setting is well-described. The reader can easily picture the scene in their mind.
The scene is well-edited and there are no unnecessary or extraneous details. The scene is focused and to the point.
The scene is well-written and there are no typos or grammatical errors. The scene is polished and professional.
The scene is well-structured and the plot points are clear. The reader can easily follow the story and understand what is happening.
The scene is well-written and the characters are well-developed. The reader can easily relate to the characters and their motivations.
The scene is well-written and the dialogue is natural and believable. The reader can easily hear the characters speaking the lines.

General Suggestions

Consider adding more details to the setting to make it more immersive.
Consider adding more dialogue to the scene to make it more engaging.
Consider adding more action to the scene to make it more exciting.
Consider adding more suspense to the scene to make it more thrilling.
Consider adding more humor to the scene to make it more light-hearted.
Consider adding more romance to the scene to make it more heartwarming.
Consider adding more conflict to the scene to make it more dramatic.
Consider adding more resolution to the scene to make it more satisfying.
Consider adding more foreshadowing to the scene to make it more intriguing.
Consider adding more symbolism to the scene to make it more meaningful.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a mix of action, drama, and suspense that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The emotional impact of the characters' revelations and confrontations adds depth to the storyline.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a nuclear threat and the unveiling of ancient artifacts adds an intriguing and unique element to the scene. The high-stakes situation raises the tension and creates a sense of urgency.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with the introduction of a new threat and the characters facing a dangerous situation. The conflict between the characters reaches a climax, leading to important revelations and decisions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the typical hostage situation by incorporating elements of terrorism and nuclear threats. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension of the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show depth and complexity in this scene, with emotional reactions and conflicting motivations driving their actions. The relationships between the characters are tested, revealing new facets of their personalities.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in this scene, as they are forced to confront their beliefs, loyalties, and motivations. The revelations and confrontations lead to character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect his wife and cooperate with the terrorists to ensure their safety. This reflects his deeper need for survival and his fear of losing his loved ones.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to prevent the terrorists from detonating the nuclear warhead and to find a way to escape the dangerous situation. This reflects the immediate challenge of being held captive by terrorists.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in this scene is intense and multi-layered, with physical, emotional, and moral conflicts driving the characters' actions. The high stakes and dangerous situation heighten the tension and create a sense of urgency.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing significant challenges and threats from the terrorists, creating a sense of uncertainty and danger for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with the characters facing a nuclear threat and dangerous terrorists. The characters' lives are at risk, adding tension and urgency to the storyline.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing a new threat, resolving conflicts, and setting up future developments. The plot advances at a fast pace, keeping the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, such as the revelation of the nuclear warhead and the protagonist's surprising confession.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between the protagonist's values of protecting innocent lives and the terrorists' values of using violence to achieve their goals. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the face of extreme circumstances.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with characters facing betrayal, danger, and difficult decisions. The emotional reactions of the characters add depth and realism to the storyline, engaging the audience on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and motivations effectively. The confrontations and revelations are driven by strong dialogue that adds depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense conflict, and dramatic character interactions that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspenseful moments that maintain the momentum and intensity of the scene.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful action sequence, with a clear setup, escalating tension, and a dramatic climax.

243 INT. CITATION JET - NIGHT

The jet has become a mobile tactical-command center, with Gib, *
Faisil, and several other agents working out of portable *
equipment cases. Faisil looks up from a computer screen *
suddenly.

FAISIL *
We've lost the signal.

Gib, who has been pacing the aisile whirls to the screen. *

GIB
Son of a bitch! Where?

FAISIL *
It's an island in the Keys, out *
past Marathon. *

Gib goes up to the cockpit. They are on approach and the
lights of Miami fill the front window.
PILOT
Miami TCA, we are on final.

GIB
Call our DEA contact, tell him I
want those choppers flight-ready
the second we land.

244 INT. WAREHOUSE - NO NAME KEY - NIGHT

TIGHT ON BLACK AND WHITE VIEWFINDER IMAGE of the terrorists'
handycam. Harry is speaking directly into the camera,
finishing up his message.

HARRY
...and I can verify that they
have the arming box and all *
equipment necessary to detonate
the four warheads. This is
absolutely the real thing,
gentlemen.

The camera swings off Harry to Malik, standing before the rest
of the Jihad warriors, who are assembled behind the four bombs.

MALIK
You have killed our women and *
children, bombed our cities from
afar like cowards, and dare to
call us terrorists--

Over the image of Malik, a LOW-BATTERY warning begins to flash.

CUT TO SCENE, as Malik speaks into the camera, which is head by
one of his men. The CAMERAMAN is sweating, wondering if he
should interrupt. He gulps nervously as Malik drones on.

MALIK
-- But now the Oppressed have *
been given a mighty sword, to *
strike back at their enemies. *
Unless the US pulls all military
forces out of the Persian Gulf
area, immediately and forever,
Crimson Jihad will rain fire on
one major US city each week until
these demands are met...

BACK TO VIEWFINDER IMAGE. BATTERY warning flashing faster.

MALIK
... First one weapon will be
detonated on this uninhabited
island as a demonstration of
Crimson Jihad's power and our
willingness to be humanitarian.
However, if there demands are not--
In a burst of static the image GOES BLACK.

The cameraman nervously lowers the camera, ashen faced.
Malik's eyes are black with murder.

CAMERAMAN
Battery, Abu.

MALIK
Get another one, you moron!

Genres: Action, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic

Summary Gib and his team are working in a jet, trying to locate terrorists who have the necessary equipment to detonate warheads. They lose the signal and order choppers to be ready. Meanwhile, Harry records a message about the terrorists' capabilities. In a warehouse on an island in the Keys, Malik rallies his men, but the camera recording him runs out of battery. The scene ends with a sense of impending danger as the camera's image goes black.

Strengths

Intense dialogue
High stakes
Suspenseful atmosphere

Weaknesses

Possible confusion with multiple characters and plotlines

General Critique

The scene transitions abruptly from the previous one, with no clear connection or setup. It might be helpful to provide some context for the viewer about what is happening and why.
The dialogue in the first part of the scene is mostly exposition, which can be dry and unengaging for the audience. Consider finding more creative ways to convey this information.
The camera work and editing in the second part of the scene could be more dynamic to build tension and suspense. The use of a viewfinder image is an interesting choice, but it might be more effective if it were intercut with other shots to create a more engaging visual experience.

General Suggestions

Consider adding a few lines of dialogue between Harry and Helen before they are separated to provide some emotional context and motivation for the viewer.
Instead of having Harry simply recite information into the camera, consider having him interact with the terrorists in a more dynamic way. This could create more tension and suspense for the viewer.
Experiment with different camera angles and editing techniques to build tension and suspense in the second part of the scene. For example, you could use close-ups of the terrorists' faces to convey their emotions and intentions, or cut to reaction shots of Helen and Harry to show their fear and uncertainty.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with a high level of tension, suspense, and emotional impact. It effectively moves the story forward and keeps the audience engaged.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an undercover operation to stop a terrorist attack is compelling and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The scene effectively conveys the urgency and danger of the situation.

Plot: 8

The plot is intricate and engaging, with multiple layers of deception and suspense. The scene advances the main plotline and sets up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar theme of terrorism, with unique character dynamics and high-stakes action. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.

Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear. The tension between Harry, Helen, and Gib adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Helen undergoes a significant change in the scene, from being manipulated by Simon to making a difficult decision to cooperate with Harry. This change sets up future character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prevent a terrorist attack and protect innocent lives. This reflects their deeper desire for justice and safety.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to track down and stop the terrorists before they can detonate the warheads. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the urgency of the situation.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with personal, professional, and moral conflicts driving the action forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the terrorists presenting a significant threat to the protagonist's goals. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are extremely high in the scene, with the characters racing against time to prevent a terrorist attack. The consequences of failure are dire, adding tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing crucial information about the terrorist plot and the characters' motivations. It sets up the climax and resolution of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the terrorists' plans and the protagonist's actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the ideologies of terrorism and counter-terrorism. The protagonist's values of justice and protection clash with the terrorists' beliefs in retaliation and power.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and anger in the characters and the audience. The emotional stakes are high, adding depth to the narrative.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and drives the scene forward. It effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and intense dialogue. The urgency of the situation keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and intense, contributing to its effectiveness in building suspense and maintaining the audience's interest.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for a screenplay in the action genre.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, following the expected format for a high-stakes action sequence.

245 INT. BUILDING - NIGHT

A filthy, crumbling cinderblock building (near the warehouse).
A few bare light bulbs with bugs zipping around then, and no
glass in the windows. Harry and Helen are brought in by two
TERRORIST GUARDS. Juno follows then into the bleak room.
Guards shackle them to steel chairs with handcuffs.

A MAN enters the room carrying a small suitcase. He has skull-
like features. He opens the suitcase and Harry has a good view
of the contents: medical instruments, needle-probes, drills,
Dremel tools with saw blades.

JUNO
This is Samir. See if you can
guess his specialty.

HARRY
Oral hygiene?

JUNO
Not exactly.

HELEN
(scared)
What's going on, Harry?

JUNO
Samir is just going to ask Harry
a few questions. See, we're not
even sure which agency Harry
works for. Now, Samir is
absolutely first class, but on
the other hand we have Harry,
here, who has managed to lie
convincingly to the woman he
loves for 15 years. So it will
be interesting to see how long he
can resist.

SAMIR
(holding up a syringe)
This will help.

Samir injects Harry in the arm with the syringe.
HARRY
You know, you should swab that
with alcohol. I might get an
infection.

SAMIR *
I'll return when this has taken *
effect. Then we'll talk. *

HARRY *
I'm looking forward to it. *

Samir exits. *

HARRY *
Why are you helping these raving
psychotics.

JUNO
Because they're very well-funded
raving psychotics, and I'm
getting a lot of money.

She kneels down in front of Harry, stroking his leg.

JUNO
You think I care about their *
cause? Or yours? Not at all. *
See, America is on top now . . *
. but so was Rome, once. All *
civilizations crumble. One
nation succeeding over another.
What does it mean in the long
run? The only important thing is
to live well. And... living *
well takes money. *

HARRY
You're damaged goods, lady.

Harry's words are beginning to be slightly slurred. The drugs
are taking effect.

JUNO
(indicating Helen)
Did you tell her about us, Harry?

HARRY
There is no us, you psychotic
bitch.

JUNO
Sure. Say that now.

Juno puts her arms around him and kisses him passionately. She
breaks, looking at Helen to savor the effect. Helen is
trembling with rage.
JUNO
Thanks for everything, Harry. It
was good while it lasted.

Juno crosses to the guard and takes a hand-grenade off his
belt. Then she goes to Helen and places it between her knees.
She pushes Helen's knees together to hold the spoon against the
grenade then pulls the pin.

JUNO
Now just keep your knees
together, and you'll be fine.

HELEN
Something you obviously have a
hard time doing!

JUNO
Hold that thought.

Juno leaves. Harry looks dopily at Helen.

HARRY
There was nothing. I swear.

Helen doesn't believe him, and why should she. She looks up *
from staring at the grenade, to see that Harry's head has
slumped forward.

HELEN
What did he give you?

HARRY
(groggy)
Sodium amytal, maybe some other
truth agent.

HELEN
It makes you tell the truth?

HARRY
Yes.

HELEN
Is it working yet?

HARRY
Ask me a question I would
normally lie to.

HELEN
Are we going to die?

HARRY
Yup. *

HELEN *
I'd say it's working.
HARRY *
They'll either torture us to
death, shoot us in the head, or
leave us until the bomb goes off.

HELEN *
Okay, okay. I get it. How long *
have you been a spy, Harry?

HARRY
17 years.

HELEN
My God. Have you had to... have
sex with other women in the line
of duty?

HARRY
I don't take those assignments.

HELEN
What about Juno?

HARRY
She's really a fox, isn't she?

HELEN
Did you pork her Harry?

HARRY
No.
(pause)
But I wanted to.

HELEN
(crying)
Are you a total lying,
scumsucking pig Harry?

HARRY
Looks that way.

Genres: Action, Thriller, Drama
Tone: Tense, Intense, Emotional, Suspenseful

Summary Harry and Helen are held captive by terrorists and questioned about Harry's agency. They are threatened with torture, and Harry is injected with truth serum. He confesses to Helen that he has been a spy for 17 years and has wanted to have sex with Juno, who is revealed to be helping the terrorists for money. The scene takes place in a filthy building and ends with Helen crying and Harry looking groggy.

Strengths

Intense dialogue
Emotional depth
High stakes
Character development

Weaknesses

Some cliched lines
Slightly predictable plot twists

General Critique

The scene is well-written with clear conflicts and character motivations. The tension is palpable, and the stakes are high. However, there are a few areas that could be improved for clarity and impact.
Consider adding more sensory details to ground the scene in a specific location. For example, you could describe the smell of the building, the feel of the handcuffs, or the sound of the bugs buzzing around the light bulbs.
The dialogue is strong, but some lines feel a bit on-the-nose. For instance, when Harry says 'Oral hygiene?' it feels like a deliberate attempt to lighten the mood, which may not be in line with his character's current state of mind.
The pacing of the scene could be improved. The exposition about Samir's specialty and Juno's motivations slows down the tension build-up. Consider integrating this information into the action or dialogue in a more seamless way.

General Suggestions

Add sensory details to ground the scene in a specific location.
Consider rephrasing or cutting dialogue that feels too expository or on-the-nose.
Experiment with pacing to build tension more effectively. For example, you could condense the exposition about Samir and Juno or intersperse it with more action or dialogue.
Consider adding a beat where Helen tries to reason with Juno or appeal to her humanity, only to be rebuffed. This could heighten the sense of betrayal and helplessness.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a gripping plot, well-developed characters, intense dialogue, and emotional impact. The use of a truth serum adds a unique element to the interrogation, increasing the stakes and tension.

Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using a truth serum in an interrogation adds a layer of suspense and drama to the scene. It explores the idea of revealing hidden truths and testing the characters' relationships under extreme circumstances.

Plot: 8

The plot is driven by the interrogation and the revelation of secrets between Harry and Helen. It moves the story forward by deepening the conflict and raising the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the spy thriller genre by focusing on the psychological and emotional turmoil of the characters, rather than just action and suspense. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are unpredictable.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Harry and Helen are well-developed and their emotions are raw and authentic in this scene. Their interactions reveal layers of complexity and add depth to their relationship.

Character Changes: 8

Both Harry and Helen undergo significant emotional changes in the scene, as they confront their truths and face the consequences of their actions. Their relationship is tested, leading to growth and development in their characters.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain his facade of lies and deception, even under extreme pressure and threat of torture. This reflects his fear of being exposed and losing the woman he loves.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to survive the interrogation and escape from the terrorists. This goal is directly related to the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, as Harry and Helen face the consequences of their actions and confront their hidden truths. The tension between them escalates as they navigate the interrogation and the threat of danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a formidable antagonist and internal conflict. The audience is kept in suspense about the outcome, adding to the scene's tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as Harry and Helen are in a life-threatening situation and must confront their hidden truths. The tension and danger add urgency and suspense to the interrogation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the characters and deepening the conflict. It sets the stage for further developments and raises the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected character revelations, shifting power dynamics, and darkly humorous moments. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's moral values and the antagonist's ruthless pursuit of power and money. The antagonist's belief in living well at any cost challenges the protagonist's sense of integrity and loyalty.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a strong emotional impact, as the characters' vulnerabilities are exposed and their relationships are tested. The fear, anger, and betrayal felt by Harry and Helen resonate with the audience, creating a powerful connection.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is intense, emotional, and revealing. It captures the tension and conflict between the characters, especially as they confront their hidden truths and betrayals.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, intense dialogue, and unpredictable twists. The audience is drawn into the characters' emotional turmoil and the suspenseful situation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted to build tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict and emotional intensity. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the scene's effectiveness.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay in the thriller genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a tense interrogation scene in a thriller genre. The pacing and rhythm build tension effectively, leading to a dramatic climax.

246 INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

ON MALIK as he pokes through Harry and Helen's stuff on the
table. He picks up Helen's wallet and opens it. ECU WALLET -
a picture of Harry, Helen and Dana. Malik stares at it a
moment. Then motions to one of his men.

267 INT. TORTURE ROOM - NIGHT

Samir lifts Harry's head and sees that he is pretty shitfaced.

SAMIR
Is there anything you would like
to tell me before we start?
HARRY
Yes. I'm going to kill you
pretty soon.

SAMIR
(calmly preparing his
instruments)
I see. How exactly?

SAMIR
Well, I thought I'd break your
neck, then use you as a human
shield, then kill the guard with
that knife there on your table
and take his gun.

Samir approaches Harry with a long steel needle probe.

SAMIR
(humoring Harry)
And what makes you think you can
do all that?

HARRY
Because I picked the lock on
these handcuffs...

He holds them up to show Samir. Then he explodes out of the
chair-- Breaks the torturer's neck-- Spins him between himself
and the guard-- Who then hesitates to fire-- Giving Harry the
split second he needs to grab the knife from the table and
throw it into the guard's eye, killing him instantly.

Helen is flat blown away. Wow. It only took a few seconds for
Harry to reverse the situation. Her Harry! He picks up the
guard's 9mm pistol and staggers over to her.

HARRY
Don't move.

He kneels down in front of her. Gently he slips his hands
between her thighs, getting a grip on the grenade, then sliding
his fingers slowly over the spoon to hold it securely.

He stops moving, suddenly. She realizes with a sudden jolt of
terror that he has frozen.

HELEN
What is it?

HARRY
(staring transfixed)
God, you have great legs.

HELEN
Harry... snap out of it!
She sees how shitfaced he is. He holds the grenade up, gripped
safely so the spoon can't fly off.

HARRY
Go it, baby.

248 EXT. BUILDING - NIGHT

Harry and Helen emerge from the building, creeping through the
shadows. She stops him for a second. Gets very close to him,
whispering, crouched in the shadows.

HELEN
Tell me something before this
stuff wears off and you start
lying again.

HARRY
What?

HELEN
Do you still love me?

HARRY
Yes.

HELEN
As much as you used to?

HARRY
No.
(she deflates)
Much more.

She looks into his eyes, and knows he is telling the truth.

HELEN *
(grinning) *
It wore off.

At that moment, they hear yelling from the cinder-block
building.

HARRY
They found the bodies. Come on--

249 EXT. SWAMP - NIGHT

Harry takes her hand and they sprint for cover at the edge of
the mangrove swamp. A LIGHT HITS THEM. TWO TERRORISTS,
running around the corner, open fire with AK47s just as Harry
and Helen reach a cluster of palm trees. The trunks explode *
with bullet hits as they run through the darkness. *

As the two terrorists move through the trees, Harry lunges from *
the shadows and grabs one from behind. He wrests his rifle *
away and swings it at the other, knocking his AK down. The *
first terrorist draws a knife and slashes at him, but Harry
grabs his knife arm and swings the blade into his partner.
Then he elbow smashes the first guy and seizes him in a two-
hand neck-breaker-- SNAP.

Two more run around the corner of a building. Harry stomps his *
foot down on one of the AKs, which is lying across a log. It *
flips into the air and he catches it in firing position . . *
. and takes them out with two well-aimed bursts. Helen comes *
out of the shadows staring at Harry in amazement. His shirt is
ripped, he is scratched and bleeding, holding an assault rifle *
expertly and scanning the brush like a feral animal. *

HELEN
I married Rambo. *

He grabs her and kisses her passionately.

HARRY
Let's go.
250
thru OMITTED *
253

Genres: Action, Thriller, Drama
Tone: Intense, Suspenseful, Emotional, Passionate

Summary In a tense warehouse scene, Harry is tortured by Samir but makes a bold escape, killing both his torturer and the guard. Meanwhile, Malik searches through Harry and Helen's belongings, finding a family picture. Harry and Helen then confess their love for each other before being pursued by terrorists in a mangrove swamp. Harry fights off their pursuers, and the scene ends with the couple continuing to flee.

Strengths

Intense action sequences
Emotional depth
Strong character development
High stakes

Weaknesses

Some unrealistic action sequences
Slight cliched moments

General Critique

The scene is well-written with a clear narrative and good pacing. The dialogue is snappy and the action is engaging.
The characters of Harry and Helen are well-developed, with Helen showing strength and resilience in the face of danger.
The setting is well-described and adds to the tension of the scene.
The conflict between Harry and the terrorists is well-established and the stakes are high.
The tone is tense and suspenseful, with moments of humor and romance.
The visual elements of the scene are well-described and add to the overall impact of the scene.

General Suggestions

Consider adding more sensory details to the scene to make it feel more immersive.
Consider exploring Helen's thoughts and feelings in more depth to add emotional depth to the scene.
Consider adding more tension and suspense to the scene by building up to the action more gradually.
Consider adding more conflict between Harry and Helen to add emotional depth to the scene.
Consider exploring the themes of trust and loyalty in the scene to add more depth to the characters and their relationships.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a perfect blend of action, emotion, and suspense that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a daring escape from terrorists, combined with emotional revelations between the characters, is executed brilliantly.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a focus on the escape from the terrorists and the emotional connection between Harry and Helen.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the typical action sequence, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience engaged. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to their motivations and personalities.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Harry and Helen, are well-developed and their emotions and actions drive the scene forward effectively.

Character Changes: 8

Both Harry and Helen undergo emotional changes during the scene, deepening their relationship and revealing new aspects of their characters.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect his loved one and survive the dangerous situation they are in. This reflects his deep desire for safety, love, and connection.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from the terrorists and evade capture. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing, adding urgency and tension to the scene.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters and the terrorists creates a high level of tension and suspense throughout the scene.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple obstacles and challenges that test his skills, resourcefulness, and determination. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the protagonist will overcome the odds.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Harry and Helen are in a life-threatening situation, adding urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by showcasing the characters' escape from the terrorists and the development of their relationship.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the outcome of the conflicts. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's willingness to do whatever it takes to protect his loved one, even resorting to violence and deception. This challenges his beliefs about morality and the value of human life.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, especially during the intimate moments between Harry and Helen and the intense action sequences.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and emotional, adding depth to the characters and the overall scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and emotional intensity. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and invested in the outcome of the scene.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted, with a perfect balance of action, dialogue, and description to keep the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and effective use of dialogue to drive the action forward.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, building tension and suspense through a series of escalating conflicts and resolutions.

254 INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

LOOKING DOWN FROM A CATWALK on the activity below the four
horsemen statues and several utility trucks almost fill the
floorspace. A rental truck is being loaded with conventional
weapons, including machine guns and several HAND-LAUNCHED
STINGER MISSILES. One of the nukes has been lowered into a pit
cut in the concrete floor. Malik and most of the terrorists
are gathered around it.

A GUARD, F.G. on the catwalk, watches intently from the
railing. So intently that he doesn't head Harry sneak up on
him. SNAP. Harry catches the guard's MAC-10 machine pistol
before it can hit the floor. He and Helen crouch behind a
steel pillar, watching the proceedings below. Helen keeps
glancing at the dead guard, killed so effortlessly a moment
before by her husband. It is all surreal.

BELOW, MALIK is shouting in his native language. He pulls a
chain from around his neck and holds up a METAL ARMING KEY.
Then jumps down into the pit and inserts it into the warhead's
arming computer. Harry is listening intently, translating for
Helen.

HARRY
In ninety minutes a pillar of *
holy fire will rise at this place *
as a sign to out enemies. *
(Malik theatrically
turns the arming key)
It is done...
Malik jumps out of the pit. He signals and terrorists pour
concrete into the pit, covering the bomb. He begins ranting
again.

HARRY
Now no man can stop us. We are
set on our course. No force can
stop us...
(as libbing)
... we're cool, we're badass,
blah blah.

255 INT. WAREHOUSE - DOWN BELOW - NIGHT

Malik raises his fist and chants some Crimson Jihad slogans.
The terrorists echo and chant and then cheer, firing their guns
in the air. Harry pulls Helen back as ricochets clatter all
over the inside of the metal building.

Malik shouts something and all the terrorists go back to work
at double time. They are loading warheads Two and Three onto
trucks (one per truck) and the last, number Four, is being
wheeled out on a cart to the Aerospatiale outside.

256 INT. WAREHOUSE - ON CATWALK - NIGHT

HELEN
If we're on an island, why are
they using trucks?

HARRY
We must be in the Florida Keys . *
. . the Overseas Highway *
connects the islands to the
mainland.

HELEN *
So there's no border, no customs. *
They can just drive anywhere they *
want . . . there's nothing to *
stop them . . .

HARRY
Just us.

HELEN
What are you going to do?

HARRY
(shrugs, like: what do
you think?)
Go down there and kill everybody,
I guess.

He hands her the MAC-10. She holds it clumsily.
HELEN
Oh shit.

HARRY
Wait here. If you have to use
this, use it. Don't choke.
Okay?

She nods gamely and Harry starts down the steel stairs to the
floor below.

257 INT. WAREHOUSE - MAIN FLOOR - NIGHT

ON HARRY, reaching the floor. He slips behind some packing
crates. Then swings into action-- He hurls the grenade as hard
as he can, down to the other end of the building. KABOOM!! He
uses the distraction to move forward. But it goes wrong almost
right away... A TERRORIST comes around a corner behind him,
shouts-- Harry dives for cover as the guy fires, but-- He trips
on a pipe and goes sprawling-- Losing the AK47, which slides
under some equipment and-- Seven terrorists run toward him,
with guns raised.

HARRY
(to Helen)
SHOOT!!

258 INT. WAREHOUSE - CATWALK - NIGHT

HELEN fires a burst at the terrorists, actually hitting one!
But-- The recoil knocks her back, into a metal column, and the
gun

FLIES OUT OF HER HANDS.
It falls to the metal steps and hits-- Going off. B-B-BLAM!
The burst kills two more terrorists, and-- The Mac-10
cartwheels and hits further down. ANOTHER BURST. Another
terrorist is splattered.

It spins and hits another step-- ANOTHER RANDOM BURST
MIRACULOUSLY KILLS THE LAST TWO TERRORISTS!!

She has inadvertently saved her husband. Harry looks up from
behind cover-- to see all seven dead. Now it's his turn to be
amazed. He signals to her to run... get off the exposed
catwalk. She makes it through the door to the outside stairs
as bullets start hitting the steel walls behind her.

259 INT. WAREHOUSE - MAIN FLOOR - NIGHT

A TERRORIST with a knife runs at the unarmed Harry. Harry
snatches up a jack-hammer and BRAT-TAT-TAT-- Drives it into the
guy's chest. Then he-- Grabs an AK from one of the fallen
terrorists and opens fire. Malik shouts to the drivers of the
trucks to get going. The other terrorists return fire at Harry--
Who sprints from cover to cover, reaching a side door-- Where
he rakes one of the passing trucks with a burst-- But
terrorists behind him in the building have a clear shot and
rounds hit the wall next to him as he-- Dives through the door--

260 EXT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

--landing outside. He takes cover behind an aircraft REFUELING
TRUCK. Not a good place. He is pinned down by automatic
weapons fire. He looks around for Helen, who is--

261 EXT. WAREHOUSE - BEHIND A FORKLIFT - NIGHT

50 yards away. She is unarmed and unable to help.

262 EXT. WAREHOUSE - BEHIND A REFUELING TRUCK - NIGHT

HARRY cranks up the pump on the refueling truck and grabs the
nozzle of the hose. He opens the flow and-- A stream of JET-
FUEL blasts out of the nozzle and-- Harry fires his AK right
across the nozzle-- The muzzle-blast ignites the av-gas and he
has a flame thrower with a 70 foot reach.

Harry, lit demonically by the inferno, paints the whole area,
setting vehicles afire, and scattering the terrorists.

263 EXT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

Through the flames and smoke he sees one of the men hand Malik
a LAW rocket. Malik snaps it to his shoulder, preparing to
fire.

264 EXT. DOCK - NIGHT

Harry runs toward the edge of the dock thirty feet away as--
MALIK fires. The rocket shoots toward the truck and-- Harry
leaps toward the dark water as-- KABOOOM! Behind him the gas
truck EXPLODES IN A HUGE FIREBALL.

265 EXT. UNDERWATER - OFF THE DOCK - NIGHT

ANGLE LOOKING UP, UNDERWATER, AS HARRY HITS THE WATER AND
dives down. An instant later a sheet of fire sweeps across the
surface above him. Harry kicks hard, trying to swim beyond the
inferno above him so he can surface.

266 EXT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

CLOSE ON HELEN, watching the burning wreckage of the gas truck.
HELEN
Oh my God. Harry.

A PISTOL ENTERS FRAME. Its muzzle taps the back of her head.
She gasps and turns to see-- JUNO, holding the weapon expertly.

JUNO
My condolences to the window. *

Juno grabs her and yanks her to her feet. Helen SLAPS JUNO *
HARD. Juno has a slash across her cheek. Blood trickles down. *
She grabs Helen's hand and viciously turns it, seeing the *
wedding ring turned inward, the diamond on the palm-side. Her *
face darkens with fury and she points the gun at Helen's face, *
preparing to kill her . . . *

And Malik's hand grabs her wrist, stopping her. *

MALIK *
Not now. We may need a hostage. *

Juno grabs her and twists her around, pushing her toward the *
limo nearby. *

JUNO
Let's go, Suzy Homemaker.

Genres: Action, Thriller
Tone: Intense, Suspenseful, Dramatic

Summary In a tense and action-packed warehouse scene, Harry fights off terrorists, uses a jet fuel hose as a flamethrower, and jumps into the water to avoid a LAW rocket explosion. Meanwhile, Helen accidentally saves Harry by shooting at the terrorists and Juno threatens her, but is stopped by Malik. The scene takes place at night and features the arming of a nuclear warhead and the explosion of a gas truck, adding to the intensity and suspense.

Strengths

Intense action sequences
High stakes
Dramatic tension

Weaknesses

Minimal dialogue
Some unrealistic action sequences

General Critique

The scene is action-packed and full of suspense, but the dialogue could be tightened up to increase the tension and pace.
The characters' emotions and reactions could be more fully developed to create a deeper connection with the audience.
The setting is described in detail, but the overall atmosphere and mood could be more effectively established through the use of sensory language and imagery.

General Suggestions

Consider cutting unnecessary dialogue or exposition to create a faster pace and heighten the tension.
Develop the characters' emotions and reactions to the situation by showing their fear, determination, or desperation.
Use sensory language and imagery to create a more immersive and atmospheric setting, such as the smell of fuel, the sound of gunfire, or the feel of the cold metal floor.
Consider adding more personal stakes for the characters to make the situation feel more urgent and important.
Make sure the action is clear and easy to follow, with each character's movements and actions described in detail.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with intense action and suspense, and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-stakes mission to stop terrorists from detonating a nuclear bomb is compelling and drives the tension in the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced, filled with action, and moves the story forward significantly.

Originality: 9

The scene features a unique situation of using a jet-fuel stream as a weapon, adding a fresh and unexpected element to the action sequence. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension of the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are in high-stress situations, showing determination and courage in the face of danger.

Character Changes: 7

The characters show bravery and determination, facing life-threatening situations that may lead to personal growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Harry's internal goal is to protect his wife and stop the terrorists from carrying out their plan. This reflects his deep desire to keep his loved ones safe and his fear of failing to do so.

External Goal: 7

Harry's external goal is to stop the terrorists from detonating the nuke and causing destruction. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and the urgency of the situation.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the protagonists and the terrorists is intense and drives the action forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Harry facing multiple terrorists and obstacles that challenge his ability to achieve his goals.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high, with the threat of a nuclear bomb detonation and the lives of the characters at risk.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the plot, escalating the stakes and setting up the climax of the story.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected use of a jet-fuel stream as a weapon and the twists in the action that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the terrorists' belief in using violence to achieve their goals and Harry's belief in protecting innocent lives and stopping the terrorists.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and a sense of urgency, keeping the audience emotionally engaged.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but impactful, conveying urgency and tension in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and suspenseful moments that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description that keeps the story moving forward and maintains the tension.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear descriptions of action, dialogue, and setting that enhance the reader's understanding of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre of action thriller, with a buildup of tension, a climax of action, and a resolution that sets up the next part of the story.

267 EXT. UNDERWATER - NIGHT

Harry is still swimming. He reaches the edge of the fire and
surfaces, gasping for breath. Treading water he scans the
dock.

268 EXT. WATER OF THE DOCK - HARRY'S POV - NIGHT

Amid the fire and smoke, he sees Juno walking Helen at gun
point toward a LIMO.

269 EXT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

TRACKING WITH JUNO, approaching the car. Malik passes, jumping *
into the Aerospatiale with his few remaining men. The fourth *
bomb is clearly visible as the sliding door is closed. The *
copter pulls pitch, fanning the flames of the inferno below as *
it arcs away.

AKBAR, the 300 pound terrorist/chauffeur opens the door and *
Juno gets into the limo with Helen. Akbar scrunches into the
front seat and starts the car.

270 EXT. RAMP TO HIGHWAY - PREDAWN

There is just enough light to see some geography. The island
is very tiny. Running right over it and to the horizon in both
directions is the OVERSEAS HIGHWAY. The terrorists' trucks
rumble up an on-ramp past a sign that says MIAMI - 110. The
limo is the last member of the convoy. The Aerospatiale passes
overhead, hugging the deck, headed for Miami at 150 knots.

271 EXT. DOCK/ WAREHOUSE - DAWN

It looks like the aftermath of a battle... burning wreckage,
black smoke, bodies. Not a living soul around. The smoke
swirls as two big BELL 206 HELICOPTERS settle on the middle of
the dock. GIB jumps out of the nearest with an AR-15, scanning
the wreckage. Several of his men, and a couple of DEA agents,
spread out. Gib breaks into a grin as he sees--

HARRY, materializing out of the swirling smoke. Dripping wet,
clothes ripped and bloody. But okay.

GIB
I thought this look like your
work.

HARRY
Let's go. I'll brief you in the
air.

GIB
You're welcome.

272 INT. BELL 206 - DAY

Gib and Harry are working out of brief-case mobile com-units.
Several Omega agents with headsets are reading maps, giving
commands, coordinating the evacuation, mobilizing their own
forces. The energy is controlled but very high, everybody
talking at once. This is the day they all have trained for.
It is impressive to watch.

GIB
--you tell the son of bitch this
is Bright Boy Alert. Repeat,
a Bright Boy Alert. And I need
a patch of the White House ASAP.
That's right--

HARRY
(overlapping)
... the Coast Guard has to clear
them back to a twenty mile
radius. Anybody that can't make
the minimum safe distance we need
an airlift on, immediately--

Gib whips around to Harry, lowering his headset mike.
GIB
I can get 3 Marine Corps Harriers
here in about 12 minutes.
They're on maneuvers out of Boca
Chica.

HARRY
(checking his watch)
Get 'em. I'll brief them on the
way in.

273 EXT. OVERSEAS HIGHWAY - DAY

TRAFFIC on the two causeways is almost non-existent this early
in the morning. The three rental trucks, followed by the limo
about a mile back, are almost the only vehicles.

274 INT. LIMO - DAY

Juno has a 9mm pistol aimed at Helen. She opens the sunroof,
letting in the morning air and light. Then pours herself a
Scotch from the bar.

JUNO
Like one?

HELEN
(eyes like steel)
Fuck you.

275 INT. BELL 206 COPTER - DAY

HARRY AND GIB are both talking a mile a minute, coordinating
the evacuation of the highway and the surrounding area.

GIB
... well get the Highway Patrol
to go through the streets and
tell everybody on their damn
loudspeakers. Just the basics...
get away from windows, don't look
at it... yeah--

HARRY
Here they come.

Gib looks out the window in time to see--

THREE hunch-winged P.S.T.O.L. HARRIER jets pass them at 600
knots.
HARRY
(to the pilots)
Roger, Mike Three Five, you are
cleared to engage. Be advised,
your targets have Stingers and
light machine guns.

Genres: Action, Thriller
Tone: Intense, Suspenseful, Dramatic

Summary Harry, the main character, surfaces near a dock and sees Juno forcing Helen into a limo at gunpoint. The terrorist Malik escapes with his men and the fourth bomb in a helicopter. Harry is later picked up by Gib and his team, and they work together to evacuate the area and request military backup. The limo with Helen and Juno is shown traveling on the Overseas Highway, with Juno threatening Helen inside. The scene ends with Harry and Gib coordinating the evacuation in the helicopter, while Helen remains a hostage.

Strengths

High-stakes action
Emotional depth of characters
Suspenseful pacing

Weaknesses

Some cliched dialogue
Slightly predictable plot twists

General Critique

The transition between underwater and the dock scene is abrupt and could benefit from smoother pacing.
The tension between Juno and Helen in the limo scene is well portrayed, but the dialogue could be more dynamic and engaging.
The scene with Gib and Harry coordinating the evacuation is informative but lacks emotional depth and could use more character interaction.
The dialogue in the Bell 206 helicopter scene is realistic but the scene lacks visual description and could benefit from more sensory details to enhance the setting.
The introduction of the Harrier jets is a dramatic moment but the scene could build up more tension leading to their arrival.

General Suggestions

Consider adding a brief moment of reflection for Harry as he surfaces, providing insight into his state of mind.
Enhance the dialogue between Juno and Helen in the limo to create a more intense and gripping exchange.
Add a personal moment between Gib and Harry in the coordination scene to deepen their relationship and show their camaraderie.
Include visual cues in the Bell 206 helicopter scene to immerse the reader in the high-energy atmosphere and enhance the urgency of the situation.
Build up the anticipation of the arrival of the Harrier jets by incorporating more details about the escalating threat and the stakes involved.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is action-packed, suspenseful, and emotionally charged, keeping the audience engaged throughout.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-stakes rescue operation involving a nuclear warhead and a dramatic showdown between the protagonist and the antagonist is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced, full of twists and turns, and drives the action forward effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the action genre by combining elements of espionage, terrorism, and military operations in a high-intensity setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with clear motivations and emotional depth, adding to the tension and drama of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant development and growth during the scene, particularly in their relationships and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Harry's internal goal is to save Helen and stop the terrorists, reflecting his desire to protect others and uphold justice.

External Goal: 9

Harry's external goal is to coordinate the evacuation and mobilize forces to stop the terrorists, reflecting the immediate challenge he faces in the scene.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving physical, emotional, and moral challenges for the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the terrorists posing a significant threat and creating obstacles for the protagonist to overcome.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in the scene, with the threat of a nuclear warhead, intense action sequences, and the characters' lives on the line.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward significantly, resolving key conflicts and setting up the climax of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, such as the arrival of the Harrier jets and the tense standoff between Juno and Helen.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the value of human life and the lengths one is willing to go to protect others. Harry's actions and decisions challenge the terrorists' disregard for life.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, including fear, tension, and empathy for the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and driving the plot forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and the sense of urgency in stopping the terrorists and saving Helen.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear progression of events, character actions, and dialogue.

276 INT. COCKPIT OF LEAD HARRIER - DAY

The pilot, like all jet pilots, seems icy calm.

PILOT
Copy that, Bright Boy command.
(to his wingman)
Tally ho.

277 EXT. OVERSEAS HIGHWAY - DAY

The terrorists see the Harriers approaching on a low attack
run, and scramble to get out their Stingers.

The Harriers open fire with cannons and rocket pods on the
trucks below. The 20mm cannons rip the ocean on either side of
the causeway into plumes of spray.

278 EXT. HIGHWAY - ON TRUCK - DAY

One of the Bomb trucks is hit. It explodes and flies off the *
bridge into the water. The terrorists on one of the other
trucks fire a Stinger missile.

279 EXT. ABOVE HIGHWAY - ON HARRIER - DAY

It arrows up, blowing one wing off the lead Harrier. The pilot
ejects as the plane cartwheels into the sea and explodes.

280 INT. BELL 206 COPTER - DAY

Harry sees the battle far ahead... the exploding jet.

HARRY
(to the pilots)
Recommend you use your Mavericks *
to take out the bridge. *

PILOT (OVER)
They won't set off those nukes
will they?
HARRY
Negative, Mike Three Five.
That's a negative.
(low, to Gib)
Probably not.

281 EXT. HIGHWAY/ OCEAN - DAY

The two remaining Harriers make an attack run, launching four *
Maverick missiles at the bridge. *

282 EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

The missiles hit the support trestles ahead of the trucks and *
. . . K-BOOOOM!! A whole section of the concrete span *
collapses into the water.

283 EXT. HIGHWAY - TRUCKS - DAY

The first truck is consumed in the blast. The last truck *
slides to the edge of the gap and stops. *

284 INT. / EXT. LIMO - DAY

Juno is trying to see what's going on ahead. All they can see
is smoke and explosions. Akbar is speaking heatedly (in
Arabic) into a walky talky and getting no answer.

Helen uses this moment of distraction to lunge forward,
grabbing the gun. Juno fires wildly as they struggle for
control of the weapon. The sound is deafening in the tiny
space. The second shot catches Akbar behind the ear, and he
slumps forward. His foot mashes down on the accelerator pedal
and the car surges faster.

285 EXT. HIGHWAY/ BATTLE SITE - DAY

The third Harrier fires its 2.75 Rockets and blows the *
remaining truck into tinfoil. Battle over. Two bombs down.

286 INT. BELL 206 COPTER - DAY

The columns of smoke from the battle are still a couple miles
ahead of the copter.

HARRY
Good shooting, Mike Three Five.
I need you to stay on station.
(to the copter pilot) *
Okay. You see that limo?
287 INT./ EXT. LIMO - HIGHWAY - DAY *

THE LIMO tracks lazily back and forth across the lanes from one
guardrail to the other, throwing sheets of sparks where it
hits. In is funneling along the causeway, unslowed, like an out-
of-control-train.

288 INT. LIMO - DAY

INSIDE, Helen knocks Juno's hands against the edge of the open
sunroof and the pistol goes flying out.

HELEN
You... bitch!!

Helen is raging, grabbing Juno's head and pounding it against
anything hard she can find inside the car. Suddenly she stops,
looking out the front window. Juno turns too, off her look, to
see-- ANGLE THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD. The causeway is blown away
about a quarter mile ahead.

JUNO
Shit!

Juno climbs through the window into the front seat, tugging on
the dead driver. The heavyset Akbar is like a bag of cement.
Helen look up through the sunroof and sees--

Genres: Action, Thriller
Tone: Intense, Suspenseful, Dramatic

Summary In a thrilling scene, two Harrier jets successfully destroy a convoy of trucks carrying bombs on a highway, neutralizing two of them. Meanwhile, in a limo trailing the convoy, Helen overpowers Juno and shoots Akbar, taking control of the vehicle amidst their struggle. The scene takes place during the day in various settings, including the cockpit of the lead Harrier, a Bell 206 copter, the limo, and the battle site on the highway and ocean. The main conflict lies between the Harrier pilots and the terrorists in the convoy, while a separate struggle unfolds in the limo. The tone is intense and action-packed, filled with urgency and significant visual elements such as low attack runs, explosions, and a swerving limo. The scene concludes with the successful destruction of two bombs, the death of Akbar, and the Harrier pilots remaining on station to monitor the situation.

Strengths

Intense action sequences
Strong character dynamics
High stakes and tension

Weaknesses

Some cliched dialogue
Slightly predictable plot twists

General Critique

The scene is well-written with clear action and dialogue, but there are a few areas that could be improved for clarity and impact.
Consider adding more sensory details to help the reader visualize the scene, such as the sound of the Harriers, the feel of the limo swerving, or the smell of smoke and explosions.
The conflict in the scene is primarily external, with the Harriers attacking the trucks and Helen struggling with Juno. Consider adding more internal conflict or emotional stakes to make the scene more engaging and impactful.
The scene could benefit from more tension and suspense, such as describing the terrorists' reactions to the Harriers or the danger of the limo's erratic driving.

General Suggestions

Add more sensory details to help the reader visualize the scene, such as the sound of the Harriers, the feel of the limo swerving, or the smell of smoke and explosions.
Consider adding more internal conflict or emotional stakes to make the scene more engaging and impactful, such as describing Harry's reaction to the battle or Helen's fear for her life.
Add more tension and suspense to the scene, such as describing the terrorists' reactions to the Harriers or the danger of the limo's erratic driving.
Consider adding more description of the characters' expressions or body language to convey their emotions and reactions to the situation.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is action-packed, suspenseful, and emotionally charged, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-stakes showdown on a highway involving terrorists, Harriers, and a limo adds excitement and tension to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced and engaging, with multiple elements coming together in a thrilling climax.

Originality: 9

The scene features a unique combination of high-speed chase, aerial combat, and intense character interactions, providing a fresh approach to the action genre. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Helen and Juno, show strength, determination, and conflict in the face of danger.

Character Changes: 7

Helen undergoes a transformation from a victim to a fighter, showing her strength and resilience.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect innocent lives and stop the terrorists from detonating the bombs. This reflects their deeper desire for justice and heroism.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to neutralize the terrorists and prevent the bombs from detonating, which reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in the scene.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Helen and Juno, as well as the larger conflict with the terrorists, creates high tension and suspense.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the terrorists posing a significant threat to the protagonist's mission, creating suspense and uncertainty for the audience.

High Stakes: 10

The high stakes of the scene, including the threat of nuclear warheads and the survival of the characters, heighten the tension and drama.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward with intense action and reveals key plot developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the action sequences, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the protagonist's belief in protecting innocent lives and the terrorists' belief in causing destruction for their cause. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anger, and adrenaline, drawing the audience into the characters' emotional turmoil.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is intense and impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high-octane action, suspenseful moments, and intense character dynamics that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast tempo, building tension, and delivering impactful moments at key intervals.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear progression of events leading to a climactic resolution.

289 EXT. ABOVE LIMO - DAY

THE BELL 206 COPTER, descending rapidly. Harry is climbing out
onto the skids. He hooks on arm and leg over the skid and
hangs down as low as he can. HELEN stands up in the opening
and waves her arms.

290 INT. / EXT. BELL COPTER/ LIMO - DAY

Gib is yelling at the DEA pilot, who's not thrilled with this
idea.

GIB
Get lower, goddamnit! Right now!

Harry strains downward with one hand. Helen reaches up toward
him. The car screeches along the guard-rail, slamming against
it, throwing her from side to side in the sunroof. Their
fingers touch, then separate. She looks-- the limo is almost
on the precipice.
291 INT. LIMO - DAY

INSIDE THE CAR, Juno is desperately pulling on the inert
driver. He slumps over on her, pinning her. She looks over
the dash as the shattered edge of the causeway rushes toward
them--

292 EXT. LIMO - DAY

HARRY'S HAND grabs Helen's. He pulls her out of the car just
as the limo clears the edge. She is jerked through the
sunroof, screaming. The car falls away, arcing gracefully to
the ocean below. It hits with an enormous explosion of water.

293 INT. / EXT. BELL 206 COPTER - DAY

HARRY PULLS HELEN up onto the skid with him, getting her
stable. She is gasping, holding on for dear life. She looks
down at the ocean, the burning wreckage on the bridge, the
whole unbelievable panorama.

Then she looks at Harry and-- Grins. She's alive! And so is
he. And not only that, this is the biggest rush of her life.
Harry grins back. Surprised and pleased that she is more of a
soul-mate than he ever knew.

CUT TO:

294 EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

ANGLE ON A HARRIER, landing in full-hover on the causeway. The
shriek of the jet engine is enormous. It bounces down onto its
wheels like a big inscect. The other remaining Harrier is
already down, behind it.

295 EXT. BELL 206 - DAY

TRACKING past burning wreckage to Harry's Bell 206 just
settling on the highway. B.G. the other DEA Bell 206 is
landing with the Harrier pilot who ejected hanging in a sling.
Harry jumps out of the open door, followed by Helen and Gib. *
Harry looks at his watch. *

HARRY
Any minute now.

GIB
(with a megaphone/ to
everybody)
It's show time. Don't look at *
the flash. Do not look at the
flash.
HARRY *
(to Helen) *
We're safe here. *

296 EXT. CAUSEWAY - DAY

Helen and Harry move away from the agents. They are safe and
together. They look at each other, and there is nothing to
say. Harry removes her wedding band from the wrong hand and *
slips it back onto its rightful finger. *

He leans forward to kiss her. She reaches for him. Their lips *
meet.

297 EXT. CAUSEWAY - HARRIERS IN BACKGROUND - DAY

And they are locked together in that position when the sky
lights up behind them. Talk about fireworks. Harry covers her *
eyes and they stay in the kiss. *

They are in no danger, but the effect is stunning. The classic *
mushroom cloud appears at the horizon. Helen watches, awed,
the most glorious and terrifying sight of our age.

HELEN *
That was some kiss. *

The two young Harrier pilots stand nearby, watching the
mushroom disperse. Gib is with the other Omega agents, his
finger pressed in his ear, listening to his headset. He waves
to Harry to come to him.

Harry detaches from Helen and walks over to him. Helen watches
him go... back to work. She glances over at the two Harrier
pilots.

HELEN
(to the pilots)
That's my husband.

HARRY goes into the huddle with Gib and the others.

GIB
Malik's copter landed twenty
minutes ago in Miami. He's on
the top of a high-rise downtown.
SWAT's on the scene, and I got
the cops sealing off the area. *
He renezvous'd there with about *
a dozen more faction members. *
They're barricaded on the *
twentieth floor.
(he gets very serious) *
Harry, they have a hostage. It's *
Dana. *
HARRY *
My Dana!?

GIB
They must have grabbed her during
the night... we didn't know.
Sorry, Harry, I--

Genres: Action, Thriller, Drama
Tone: Intense, Suspenseful, Emotional

Summary Harry, Helen, and Gib arrive at the causeway via helicopter, where Harry saves Helen from the crashing car. Two Harrier jets land, and as a nuclear bomb goes off in the distance, Harry and Helen share a romantic moment. The tone is tense and action-packed, but also romantic and emotional. However, the scene ends on a dark note as Harry leaves Helen to join Gib and the other agents, who inform him that Malik has kidnapped his daughter Dana.

Strengths

Intense action sequences
Emotional character moments
High-stakes tension

Weaknesses

Some cliched dialogue
Predictable plot twists

General Critique

The scene is very action-packed but it may benefit from some additional character development. The focus is primarily on the physical actions of the characters, and their emotional states are not explored in much depth. Adding some more dialogue or inner monologue could help the reader connect with the characters on a deeper level.
The scene could use some more environmental description. The reader doesn't get a clear sense of where the characters are or what the surroundings look like. Adding some more details about the setting could help the reader visualize the scene more clearly.
The scene could benefit from some more tension and suspense. The action is very straightforward and there is not much sense of danger or uncertainty. Adding some more obstacles or challenges for the characters to overcome could help create a more exciting and suspenseful scene.
Ending the scene immediately after the kiss feels a bit jarring, as the audience does not get any time to process the moment. A few more lines of dialogue or a brief moment of silence would allow the reader to appreciate the significance of the kiss and the emotional connection between the two characters.

General Suggestions

Add some more dialogue or inner monologue to help the reader connect with the characters on a deeper level. For example, you could have Helen reflect on her feelings for Harry or her fears about the situation they are in.
Add some more details about the setting to help the reader visualize the scene more clearly. For example, you could describe the weather, the time of day, and the surrounding landscape.
Add some more obstacles or challenges for the characters to overcome. For example, you could have them encounter more terrorists or have to navigate a difficult terrain.
End the scene with a few more lines of dialogue or a brief moment of silence to give the reader time to process the moment. For example, you could have Harry and Helen share a few words about their love for each other or their hopes for the future.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a perfect blend of action, emotion, and suspense. The stakes are raised to the highest level, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a dramatic rescue, a nuclear threat, and a high-stakes showdown is executed brilliantly. The scene keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Plot: 9

The plot is intense and fast-paced, with multiple layers of conflict and resolution. The scene moves the story forward significantly and sets up the climax of the film.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its high-octane action sequences, unique character dynamics, and unexpected plot twists. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their emotions are portrayed effectively. The audience can empathize with their struggles and root for their success.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant changes during the scene, facing their fears, making tough decisions, and ultimately coming together in a moment of triumph.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to save his loved ones and ensure their safety. This reflects his deeper need for connection and protection of those he cares about.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to rescue a hostage, who is revealed to be his loved one. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and the urgency of the situation.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with physical, emotional, and moral dilemmas for the characters to overcome. The stakes are high and the tension is palpable.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing significant challenges and obstacles that keep the audience on edge and unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, with lives on the line, a nuclear threat looming, and the fate of the characters hanging in the balance.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward towards the climax, resolving key conflicts and setting up the final showdown between the heroes and the villains.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, the high level of danger and suspense, and the emotional rollercoaster experienced by the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's duty to protect his loved ones and the moral dilemma of being involved in dangerous situations that put them at risk.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and tension to relief and joy. The audience is emotionally invested in the characters' journey and their ultimate success.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and conveys the characters' emotions and motivations effectively. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, emotional depth, and unexpected plot developments. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted, with a perfect balance of action, dialogue, and emotional beats. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness and keeps the audience engaged.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear progression of events, well-defined character arcs, and a satisfying resolution.

298 EXT. HARRIER - DAY

But Harry is already moving. He sprints toward the nearest
Harrier, witch is idling nearby. Gib runs after him.

GIB
Harry! We'll get her out! We *
have a man inside already . . *
. Harry!! Aw, shit... here we
go.

Harry walks up to the young pilot...

HARRY
I need to borrow this thing for
a few minutes.

He pushes past the pilot before the guy can react.

PILOT
Excuse me . . . sir?! *

GIB *
Force Comm cleared you to give us *
total cooperation, right? *

PILOT *
Yessir, but . . . *

GIB *
That's coming right from the *
President, Captain. *

PILOT *
Yessir. Uh . . . sir? You're *
going to have to sign for the *
aircraft. *

GIB *
I'll sign for it. You got a pen? *
(one of the agents *
pulls out a pen) *
Here, he'll sign for it. *

Harry is in the cockpit by now. Gib climbs up. *
GIB
I'd like to remind you that it
has been ten years since you were
actually in one of these.

HARRY
If I break it they can take it
out of my pay.

299 INT. HARRIER - DAY

Harry doesn't have a G-suit or a helmet of anything. He just
has his walky on his belt.

INSIDE THE CRAMPED COCKPIT, Harry looks around for the lever
which vectors the thrust. Finds it, and sets it to 90 degrees
(vertical). He bangs the canopy closed and brings the throttle
up to FULL.

GIB
(to pilot)
It'll be fine. He's got hundreds
of hours in Harriers. Joint-ops,
cross-training and all that.

AGENT
Harry can fly anything.

The big plane wobbles off the ground like a drunken bumble-bee.

GIB
He's a little rusty. It's like
riding a bicycle . . . you
never forget. Uh . . . I'd
seek shelter!

It drifts sideways and everybody runs to get out of the way.
At about six feet above the ground it slides sideways, clips
the top of a cop car and knocks off the light bar. It lifts
unsteadily straight into the sky. It turns around 180.

GIB
He's got it.

HARRY
Sorry.

Harry pushes the vector lever forward and the thrust-nozzles
turn, accelerating the plane forward.

300 EXT. CAUSEWAY - DAY

Gib is standing, watching Harry go. He never believes this
guy. Harry's voice comes over the walky...
HARRY
Tell Helen what's going on. Tell
her I love her. And ask the
pilot where the button for the
20mm cannon is-- never mind. I
found it.

The plane disappears toward Miami.

301 EXT. HIGH RISE - MIAMI - DAY

AN AERIAL SHOT, circling the building. It is an unfinished
building in the high rise district. The Aerospatiale sits on
the roof, its rotor turning slowly. The street below is jammed
with cars. Honking horns echo up the glass canyons.

302 EXT. STREET - DAY

ANGLE AT STREETLEVEL as cops use bullhorns and bad attitudes to
clear the street around the building, setting up a perimeter
two blocks away.

303 INT. HIGH RISE - DAY

INSIDE THE HIGH RISE the terrorists have barricaded themselves
on the twentieth floor. There are 12 TERRORISTS, all with
automatic weapons. Occasionally one of them will fire a burst
down a stairwell with an AK-47. Miami-Dade SWAT team members
are deployed in the stairwell but are keeping their distance.

304 INT. HIGH RISE - ON THE 21ST FLOOR - DAY

Malik is sequestered with the bomb. It sits on the floor,
still in its shipping case. Dana stands nearby, looking
scares. She is not ties up. Where can she go?

She watches Malik go to the warhead and insert his arming key.
He has a TV set up on some crates, and we see that his video-
tapes demands are running on CNN. Harry's face fills the
screen, verifying the the nuclear weapons as a real threat. He
is identified at the bottom of the screen as HARRY TASKER,
ATOMIC ENERGY COMMISSION. Dana stares at her father's face on
the national news. It's like a bad dream. She has been crying
but she is fairly composed now.

DANA
I have to go to the bathroom.

The terrorists ignore her. A terrified ACTION NEWS REPORTER
and his CAMERAMAN, under guard by TWO TERRORISTS, are hastily
setting up to shoot Malik.

CAMERAMAN
Tape is rolling.
MALIK
This is a communique from Crimson
Jihad. You have heard from your
own expert. You have seen the
Holy fire with your own eyes. Do
not force us to destroy this
city. And do not try to use
force against us. I can trigger
this bomb instantly. All I have
to do is turn that key...
(he points fiercely at
the bomb)
... and five million of your
people will die.

The reporter glances down, nervously.

REPORTER
What key?

MALIK
(pointing like the
guy's blind)
That key right there!

Malik looks down. The key is gone.

MALIK
(to his men)
Someone has stolen the key!

He turns, looking around wildly. Malik then sees Dana running
for the stairwell to the roof. He pulls a pistol and shoots at
her, but hits the wall as she bangs through the door. He runs
after her.

Genres: Action, Thriller
Tone: Intense, Suspenseful, Dramatic

Summary In this action-packed scene, Harry, with the help of Gib and a young pilot, commandeers a Harrier jet despite not having flown one in years, causing chaos on the ground as he takes off without proper gear. The main conflict lies in Harry's determination to save his daughter Dana, who is being held hostage by terrorists in a high-rise building in Miami. The scene is filled with tense dialogue, significant visual elements such as the chaotic takeoff and near-miss with a cop car, and ends with the Harrier heading towards Miami and the terrorists inside the high-rise building.

Strengths

Intense action sequences
High-stakes tension
Emotional depth in characters

Weaknesses

Some unrealistic elements in the action sequences

General Critique

The scene is well-written and engaging, but it could be improved by adding more details to the setting and characters.
The dialogue is natural and believable, but it could be more concise and to the point.
The action is exciting and well-paced, but it could be more varied and unpredictable.
The overall tone of the scene is tense and suspenseful, but it could be lightened up with some humor or wit.
The ending of the scene is satisfying, but it could be more impactful and memorable.

General Suggestions

Add more details to the setting, such as the time of day, the weather, and the surrounding environment.
Add more details to the characters, such as their physical appearance, their personalities, and their motivations.
Concise the dialogue and make it more to the point, while still maintaining the natural and believable tone.
Vary the action and make it more unpredictable by adding unexpected twists and turns.
Lighten up the overall tone of the scene with some humor or wit, but do so in a way that doesn't undermine the tension and suspense.
Make the ending of the scene more impactful and memorable by adding a surprising twist or a powerful emotional moment.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, and propels the story forward with significant developments.

Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a desperate attempt to stop a nuclear threat with unconventional methods is gripping and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced, filled with action, and crucial in advancing the narrative towards the climax.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the action genre by combining elements of terrorism, government agents, and a nuclear threat. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the tension of the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are driven by their motivations and emotions, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo moments of realization and bravery, especially Harry and Dana.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to save his daughter and prevent the nuclear threat, reflecting his deep desire to protect his family and uphold his duty as a government agent.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to stop the terrorists and defuse the nuclear bomb, reflecting the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing in the scene.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the protagonist and the antagonist, as well as the race against time to prevent a nuclear disaster, creates high tension.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple obstacles and challenges that keep the audience on edge. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high, involving the threat of a nuclear explosion and the safety of millions of people.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by escalating the conflict and setting up the climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns, such as the stolen key and the protagonist's daring actions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the value of human life and the use of violence to achieve political goals. The protagonist's belief in protecting innocent lives clashes with the terrorists' willingness to use a nuclear bomb as a threat.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and desperation, drawing the audience into the characters' emotional turmoil.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is intense and serves the purpose of conveying critical information and emotions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and witty dialogue. The tension and urgency keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension. The rhythm of the action keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.

305 EXT. BUILDING / ROOF - DAY

ON THE ROOF, Malik bursts through the stairwell door. His TWO
MEN have followed him. Malik stops suddenly when he sees--
Dana standing at the edge of the roof. She is holding the
ARMING KEY by its chain. Dangling it over the edge. He
signals to his men not to fire.

DANA
(terrified, but
thinking)
You shoot me, this'll fall.

Malik advances slowly, his eyes glistening ferally. She backs
up a step with each of his, moving along the edge of the roof.
Malik keeps his pistol aimed at her chest.

DANA
Don't come any closer. I'll drop
it! I swear to God.
MALIK
If you drop it, I will have no
reason not to kill you.

He advances, calling her bluff. She backs away from him along
the edge.

MALIK
Come on, child. Give me the key.
(smiling)
Don't you want to live? I give
you my word.

DANA
No way you whacko.

She reaches the corner of the building. Her back touches
something. it is the boom of a small crane, used for lifting
building supplies. Careful to keep the key dangling over open
space, Dana climbs up on the lattice-work boom and moves out
beyond the edge of the building, never taking her eyes off
Malik. She is hyperventilating, terrified, but thinking
clearly.

Malik steps up on the crane, crawling out after her. He knows
she will not drop the key as long as he has the gun. It is a
game which will end when she reaches the end of the boom. Dana
puts the key between her teeth so she can hang on better. It
is windy and the boom is swinging.

306 INT. 20TH FLOOR - DAY

The Crimson Jihad warriors hear a thunderous, shrieking roar
and look toward the window.

307 EXT. HIGH RISE - DAY

RISING INTO VIEW, LIKE A GARGOYLE FROM HELL, IS THE HARRIER.
It fills the windows completely, hovering only a few feet
outside. The terrorists raise their AK-47s to fire just as
Harry hits the 20mm nose-cannon.

308 INT. / EXT. HIGH RISE - 20TH FLOOR - DAY

Glass explodes into glittering mist, and terrorists explodes
into bloody spray as Harry pivots the plane and the cannon
sweeps the floor clear from side to side. The Crimson Jihad is
vaporized.

309 EXT. ROOF - CRANE BOOM - DAY

Malik hears the thunder of the jet and the firing, but from
where he is he can't see what's going on. He focuses on the
key. He must have that key.
310 EXT. ROOF - NEAR HELICOPTER - DAY

Malik's TWO REMAINING MEN run to the helicopter, gesticulating
to the pilot to get ready to take off. The pilot revs the
turbine and the rotor whirls faster. The two men jump in,
picking up M-60 machine guns.

311 EXT. ROOF - CRANE BOOM - DAY

MALIK IS STILL ADVANCING out the crane boom. Dana slips as she
backs up, toppling off the boom. She is hanging now by her
hands over a 20 story drop.

Malik is almost to her. He needs a hand free to grab her. He
sets his gun down on the girder. He grabs for her wrist.

312 EXT. ROOF - OVERLOOKING EDGE - DAY

ANGLE LOOKING DOWN. Malik, Dana, the street far below. With
an unbelievable roar the Harrier sweeps in beneath Dana,
FILLING FRAME.

313 EXT. CRANE BOOM / OVER EDGE - DAY

Harry has the canopy up. Malik sees Harry, ten feet below.
His eyes narrow with an all-consuming rage. He glances at the
pistol on the beam. Back at the girl, the key in her teeth--
So close.

Harry maneuvers the cockpit directly under Dana.

HARRY
(shouting)
Let go baby! I've got you!
Daddy's got you!

314 EXT. ROOF / HARRIER - DAY

Malik lunges for her wrist. She screams and lets go-- Dana
drops and hits the windshield of the hovering jet-- Harry grabs
her with his left hand, right hand still on the stick-- He
holds her until she can get a grip. She is lying across the
nose of the plane. Harry starts to bank away and--

315 EXT. CRANE BOOM - DAY

Malik shrieks in rage. He grabs his 9mm pistol and leaps off
the crane--
316 EXT. HARRIER - DAY

Onto the back of the plane. He starts crawling toward the
cockpit. Dana screams and Harry looks back, but just then--

317 EXT. BUILDING - DAY

The Aerospatiale swings around the building right in front of
them-- The door-gunner OPENS FIRE.

318 EXT. HARRIER - DAY

Harry banks hard, taking the hits under the wing. He pivots
and slides sideways around the building, playing tag with the
copter.

He can't do anything radical enough to dislodge Malik without
tossing off his own daughter.

319 EXT. BUILDING - DAY

The helicopter appears around the corner, guns blazing in the
doors. Harry pivots the plane and FIRES THE NOSE CANNON. The
helicopter is riddled. It tilts and plummets, auto-rotating
out of control.

320 EXT. BUILDING - ANGLE AT STREETLEVEL - DAY

As the copter hits the ground and explodes. Fortunately the
police had created a cleared perimeter.

321 EXT. HARRIER - DAY

THE HARRIER dips and slews, half out of control. Malik is
taking aim with the pistol, right at Harry's head. Harry grabs
his daughter with his left hand, holding her with all his
strength and he-- Jinks the stick hard, just as-- Malik opens
fire, but-- The plane tilts wildly and Malik topples, screaming--
He slides along the wing, and falls over the leading edge--
Only to catch himself on the only available hand-hold-- The
last Sidewinder missile.

Genres: Action, Thriller
Tone: Intense, Suspenseful, Dramatic

Summary Malik and his men pursue Dana to the roof, where she threatens to drop the arming key for a nuclear weapon. Harry arrives in a Harrier jet and eliminates terrorists inside the building. Dana slips and hangs over a 20-story drop, but Harry catches her. Malik jumps onto the back of the Harrier in pursuit. The scene ends with Malik hanging onto the last Sidewinder missile on the back of the Harrier.

Strengths

Intense action
High stakes
Emotional resonance

Weaknesses

Minimal dialogue
Some cliched elements

General Critique

The scene is well-written with a clear sense of tension and urgency, and the action is easy to visualize.
The dialogue is minimal but effective, serving to move the action forward and reveal character.
The use of descriptive language to convey the danger and intensity of the situation is well done.
The pacing is excellent, with short, punchy sentences that keep the scene moving at a rapid clip.
The use of formatting to distinguish between different locations and perspectives is effective and easy to follow.

General Suggestions

Consider adding more sensory details to the scene, such as sounds, smells, or tactile sensations, to further immerse the reader in the action.
Consider adding a beat or two of reflection or reaction from Dana after she drops the key, to heighten the tension and drama of the scene.
Consider adding a moment of reflection or reaction from Harry after he rescues Dana, to further emphasize the emotional stakes of the scene.
Consider adding a moment of reflection or reaction from Malik after he falls from the plane, to further emphasize the danger and intensity of the situation.
Consider adding a final beat or two of reflection or reaction from Dana or Harry after the helicopter crashes, to further emphasize the emotional and physical toll of the scene.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, action, and emotional moments. The stakes are incredibly high, and the resolution is satisfying.

Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a rooftop rescue involving a fighter jet is unique and thrilling. The use of the setting and the high-flying action adds a dynamic element to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven by the intense conflict between the protagonist, his daughter, and the villain. The action sequences and the resolution of the scene propel the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene features a unique situation of a rooftop standoff with a helicopter and fighter jet involved, adding fresh elements to the familiar action genre. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension of the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially the protagonist and his daughter, show courage, determination, and love for each other. Their actions and emotions drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

The protagonist undergoes a transformation from a desperate father to a heroic figure willing to risk everything for his daughter.

Internal Goal: 8

Dana's internal goal is to protect the arming key and herself from Malik's threats. This reflects her desire to survive and outsmart her dangerous adversary.

External Goal: 7

Malik's external goal is to obtain the arming key from Dana and maintain control of the situation. This reflects his immediate challenge of asserting dominance and achieving his terrorist objectives.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the protagonist, his daughter, and the villain is intense and drives the action forward. The high stakes and life-threatening situation heighten the tension.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Malik and Dana locked in a life-or-death struggle that keeps the audience on edge and unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high, with the protagonist's daughter's life on the line and the intense action sequences adding to the tension.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by resolving a major conflict and setting up the climax of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the high-stakes nature of the conflict.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Dana's belief in self-preservation and Malik's ruthless determination to achieve his goals at any cost. This challenges Dana's values of morality and survival against Malik's violent and manipulative tactics.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and relief in the audience as they witness the desperate rescue attempt and the emotional connection between the characters.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but impactful, conveying the urgency and emotions of the characters in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high tension, dramatic action sequences, and well-developed characters facing life-threatening situations.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually, escalating the conflict, and maintaining a sense of urgency throughout.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear action descriptions, dialogue formatting, and scene transitions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre of action thriller, with escalating tension, high-stakes conflict, and a resolution that advances the narrative.

322 EXT. HARRIER / SIDEWINDER - DAY

Harry and Malik lock eyes for one long second. Then Harry hits
the FIRING STUD. The Sidewinder drops away and ignites.
Carrying Malik out over Miami Beach. It explodes a mile out to
sea.
323 INT. HARRIER - COCKPIT - DAY

HARRY PULLS DANA into the cockpit, settling her on his lap.

HARRY
Don't touch the stick, baby.

She stares at her father in amazement. He banks away from the
building, accelerating the jet. He grins at her. Raises one
eyebrow. Woggles the plane's wings.

HARRY
Hi, pumpkin.

ONE YEAR LATER

324 INT. TASKER HOUSE - NIGHT

Dinner at home, and everybody's there. We come in on the end
of some story that everybody thinks is hysterical.

HELEN
... you should have seen your
father, standing there all
covered with spaghetti sauce. He
looked like such a dope.

HARRY
I told the guy---
(snorts, it's too
funny)
I told the guy, this isn't even
my order.

Dana is laughing too, a part of it. They are happy. They are
a family. Dana gets up, her meal half-eaten as usual.

DANA
I'm done.

She heads for the front door.

HARRY
I seem to remember something
about a history project that's
due tomorrow.

DANA
( busted)
Dad. You just think you know
everything, don't you?

Dana trudges off to her room to do her homework. The phone
rings. Helen answers.
VOICE
Boris and Doris?

HELEN
(calmly, signalling
Harry with her eyes)
Go ahead.

325 INT. EMBASSY PARTY - NIGHT

It is a black tie affair. Very glitzy. CAMERA SWOOPS over the
guests, sipping champagne and dancing. It is an embassy crowd,
very international. HARRY AND HELEN work their way through the
crowd. He is in tux, hair slicked back, looking rakish. She
is elegant in a low-cut gown and diamond choker.

Harry scoops two glasses of champagne off a passing tray and
hands her one.

326 INT. VAN - NIGHT

VERY CLOSE ON GIB, hunches in a dark van someplace nearby. He
speaks into his headset mike.

GIB
So, what's the scoop, team? You
see your contact yet?

327 INT. PARTY - NIGHT

HELEN AND HARRY smile and nod as if they know people. Speaking
very low, Helen answer Gib via SUB-VOCAL transceiver.

HELEN
Not yet. But we'll find him.

HARRY
Dance?

He whirls her across the floor and the CAMERA PULLS BACK AND UP
as they dance.

FADE OUT

The END

Genres: Action, Thriller, Drama
Tone: Tense, Emotional, Suspenseful, Heartwarming

Summary The scene starts with the aftermath of a dangerous dogfight, where Harry's jet remains intact while Malik is killed by a Sidewinder missile. Harry brings Dana into the cockpit and they share a warm moment of connection. One year later, the Tasker family is having a happy dinner together, full of teasing and joking. Dana leaves the table to do her homework, the phone rings, and Helen answers it. There are no major conflicts in this scene, and the tone is happy and familial. Key pieces of dialogue include Harry calling Dana 'pumpkin', the family sharing a funny story about Harry, and Dana teasing her father about knowing everything. The scene ends with the camera pulling back and up as Harry and Helen dance, and the film fades to black, signaling the end of the story.

Strengths

Effective blend of action and emotion
Compelling character development
High-stakes conflict
Engaging dialogue
Emotional resonance

Weaknesses

Some cliched elements in the action sequences
Slight predictability in character arcs

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear beginning and end. It starts with Harry and Malik engaging in a confrontation on the Harrier, but it's not clear what has led to this confrontation or what the stakes are. The scene ends with Malik hanging onto the last Sidewinder missile, but there's no resolution to the confrontation or any sense of closure.
The action is confusing and difficult to follow. It's not clear what Harry and Malik are doing or why. The scene would benefit from a more coherent and logical sequence of events.
The dialogue is underdeveloped and lacks naturalism. The characters speak in a stilted and unnatural way, and their dialogue doesn't reveal much about their personalities or motivations.
The characters are underdeveloped and lack depth. Harry and Malik are both one-dimensional characters, and their relationship is not explored in any meaningful way.
The scene is too long and meandering. It could be shortened and tightened to improve its pacing and impact.

General Suggestions

Start the scene with a clear establishing shot that sets the scene and introduces the characters. This could be a shot of the Harrier flying over Miami Beach, or a shot of Harry and Malik facing off on the wing.
Develop the stakes of the confrontation between Harry and Malik. What do they each want, and what are they willing to do to get it? This could be explored through dialogue or through flashbacks that provide more context to their relationship.
Break the action down into a series of smaller, more manageable beats. This will make the scene easier to follow and more visually interesting.
Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and revealing. The characters should speak in a way that is consistent with their personalities and motivations.
Develop the characters of Harry and Malik. Give them more depth and nuance by exploring their backgrounds, their motivations, and their relationship with each other.
Shorten the scene and tighten the pacing. Remove any unnecessary dialogue or action, and focus on the most important moments of the confrontation.

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively combines action, emotion, and character development, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome. The high-stakes situation adds tension and excitement, while the family dynamics provide heartwarming moments.

Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a family facing a nuclear bomb threat while also dealing with personal relationships and history projects is compelling and well-executed. The scene effectively balances action and emotion.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with the resolution of the nuclear bomb threat and the reunion of the family members. The action sequences are well-paced and engaging, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the spy genre by incorporating family dynamics and humor into the protagonist's spy work. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.

Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and undergo significant growth, especially Harry and Helen as they navigate the high-stakes situation and their family dynamics. Dana's role in the scene adds depth to the family relationships.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, particularly Harry and Helen as they confront their past secrets and face the threat of losing their daughter. The emotional journey of the characters adds depth to their development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his family's happiness and safety while also balancing his secret spy life. This reflects his desire for a normal family life despite his dangerous job.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to successfully complete a mission at the embassy party. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in his spy work.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, with the threat of a nuclear bomb, personal betrayals, and physical confrontations adding layers of tension and suspense. The high stakes drive the conflict to a climactic resolution.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges both in his spy work and his family life, creating tension and uncertainty for the audience.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are extremely high in the scene, with the threat of a nuclear bomb, personal betrayals, and physical confrontations putting the characters in life-threatening situations. The tension and urgency drive the narrative towards a climactic resolution.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, resolving the nuclear bomb threat, reuniting the family, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions. The action-packed sequences and emotional moments propel the narrative towards a satisfying conclusion.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it blends spy elements with family drama, keeping the audience guessing about the characters' motivations and actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's duty as a spy and his desire for a normal family life. This challenges his beliefs about sacrifice and loyalty.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with moments of tension, love, sacrifice, and reunion evoking strong emotions in the audience. The family dynamics and personal struggles add depth to the emotional resonance.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and tensions between the characters, adding depth to their interactions. The witty banter and family dynamics are well-crafted and engaging.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines action, humor, and family dynamics to keep the audience invested in the characters and their story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing action sequences with character interactions and dialogue, creating a dynamic and engaging rhythm.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.

True lies

Overview

Unique Selling Point

AI Verdict & Suggestions

Story Facts

Script Level Analysis

Screenplay Insights

Story Critique

Characters

Emotional Analysis

Goals and Philosophical Conflict

Themes

Logic & Inconsistencies

Scene Analysis

Scene Level Percentiles

Other Analyses

Unique Voice

Writer's Craft

Memorable Lines

Tropes

World Building

Correlations

Loglines

Unique Voice

Writer's Craft

Memorable Lines

Tropes

World Building

Correlations

Loglines

Engine: Gemini

Consider

Executive Summary

Engine: Claude

Recommend

Executive Summary

Screenplay Insights:

Screenplay Story Analysis

Harry - Score: 81/100

Role

Personality

Scenes

Character Analysis Overview

Foundational Definition 8/10

Complexity And Depth 7/10

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis 8/10

Dialogue And Voice 8/10

Behavior And Choices 7/10

Relationship Dynamics 9/10

Scene Impact 8/10

Role Fulfillment 9/10

Thematic Plot Integration 8/10

Emotional Resonance 9/10

Score: 8

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 7

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 8

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 8

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 7

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 9

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 8

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 9

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 8

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions