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Scene 1 -  Nightmare Unveiled
DREAM BOY
Written by
Dane Hooks
Version 7
12.25
[email protected]

FADE IN:
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
BLACKNESS.
Slow, ragged breathing. Uneven. Something in the dark.
RILEY CARTER (17) bolts upright in bed -- gasping.
Her breath clouds the air.
She turns --
Curtains flutter in a sharp, icy draft.
The window is OPEN.
She fumbles for her lamp.
CLICK.
A moth SLAMS into the lampshade. Frantic. Manic.
Whump. Whump.
Its erratic shadow twitches across the wall.
Riley glances at her nightstand.
A stack of Polaroids. Face down.
The floorboards CREAK.
She flips the top one --
A photo of Riley. Asleep. Tonight.
Her pulse roars in her ears.
Flips the next --
A closer photo of her asleep. Lips parted. Dreaming.
Her breath fractures.
The Polaroids slip -- scattering across the floor like dead
leaves.
The room stills.
Then --

CREAK.
The bedsprings shift -- but she’s not moving.
She leans over the edge...
UNDER THE BED
Darkness. Pulsing.
Suddenly --
TWO HANDS EXPLODE FROM THE SHADOWS
Clamp around her neck --
Yank her off the bed, pulling at her hair --
She hits the floor hard, tangled in sheets.
From the darkness, ETHAN (19) unfolds --
Gaunt. Ferocious. Hungry. Clutching a piece of Riley’s ripped
hair in his hand tightly.
He lunges at Riley --
BOOM!
The door SLAMS open --
SANDY CARTER (50s) bursts in -- shotgun raised, shaking.
Her eyes -- wide with horror and fury.
She chambers a round.
Red-and-blue strobes flash through the curtains -- SIRENS
wail close.
Ethan snarls. Cornered.
He backs toward the window -- locks eyes with Riley -- grins.
ETHAN
You're not done being mine.
Boots THUNDER down the hallway.
POLICE OFFICER (O.S.)
Police! On the ground!
Genres: ["Thriller","Horror"]

Summary In a chilling night scene, 17-year-old Riley Carter awakens to find herself in danger when she discovers Polaroid photos of herself asleep. As she is attacked by Ethan, a menacing figure from under her bed, her guardian Sandy bursts in with a shotgun, confronting the threat. The tension escalates with police sirens outside, cornering Ethan as he delivers a sinister threat to Riley, leaving the situation unresolved and fraught with danger.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Effective suspense-building
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited character growth in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively creates a tense and terrifying atmosphere, keeping the audience on edge with its suspenseful elements and sudden twists. The pacing and buildup of fear are well-executed, leading to a high rating.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a terrifying intrusion into the protagonist's bedroom is gripping and well-realized. It sets the stage for the unfolding events and establishes the central conflict of the story effectively.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene, introducing a major conflict and raising the stakes for the characters. It propels the narrative forward and sets the tone for the rest of the screenplay.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on a suspenseful encounter, blending elements of horror and thriller genres. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's intensity.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with distinct personalities and motivations. Their actions in this scene reveal key aspects of their traits and relationships, adding depth to the story.

Character Changes: 8

While the characters do not undergo significant changes in this scene, their actions and reactions reveal important aspects of their personalities and relationships, setting the stage for potential growth.

Internal Goal: 9

Riley's internal goal is to confront her fears and protect herself from the threat posed by Ethan. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security, as well as her desire to assert control over her own life.

External Goal: 8

Riley's external goal is to survive the attack and escape from Ethan's grasp. This goal is driven by the immediate circumstances of being in a life-threatening situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and high-stakes, with the characters facing a life-threatening situation. The confrontation between the protagonist and antagonist raises the tension to a peak.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ethan posing a significant threat to Riley's safety and agency. The audience is kept in suspense about the outcome, adding to the tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with the characters' lives in danger and the threat of violence looming. The outcome of the confrontation will have significant consequences for the protagonists.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major conflict and escalating the tension between the characters. It sets up future developments and raises important questions for the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden and shocking events that unfold, keeping the audience on edge and uncertain about the characters' fates.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the clash between Ethan's possessive and violent nature and Riley's desire for autonomy and freedom. This challenges Riley's beliefs about personal agency and self-determination.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, suspense, and dread in the audience, creating a visceral reaction to the unfolding events. The high emotional impact enhances the engagement with the story.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is tense and impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and escalating the conflict effectively. It adds to the overall atmosphere of fear and suspense in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, suspenseful atmosphere, and the high stakes faced by the characters. The reader is drawn into the unfolding danger and conflict.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted to heighten suspense and maintain a sense of urgency, leading to a gripping and impactful climax. The rhythm of the action sequences contributes to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, with effective use of visual cues and action lines to enhance the reader's experience. It aligns with the expected format for a screenplay.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced structure that effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic confrontation. It adheres to the expected format for a thriller genre.


Critique
  • The opening scene effectively establishes a high-tension horror atmosphere right from the start, with Riley's sudden awakening and the immediate sensory details like the cold draft and frantic moth creating a sense of vulnerability and unease. This draws the audience in quickly, making it a strong hook for a screenplay, as it mirrors common fears of intrusion and the unknown, which helps build empathy for Riley early on.
  • The use of visual and auditory elements, such as the creaking floorboards, the scattering Polaroids, and the moth's erratic movements, is cinematic and immersive, enhancing the suspense. These details not only heighten the horror but also subtly foreshadow the supernatural and stalking themes that recur throughout the script, allowing readers to understand how this scene sets up the overarching narrative of fear and pursuit.
  • However, the 'hands emerging from under the bed' trope is somewhat clichéd in horror genres, which might reduce its impact for audiences familiar with similar scares. While it's tied to Ethan's character and the personal stakes, it could benefit from a more original presentation to avoid predictability, especially since the script later delves into occult elements that could differentiate this attack.
  • Ethan's dialogue, 'You're not done being mine,' is direct and threatening, effectively conveying his obsession, but it feels a bit generic and could be more nuanced to reflect his psychological depth or connect to Riley's backstory. This line helps the reader understand the personal threat, but strengthening it might make the emotional stakes clearer and more engaging for the audience.
  • The scene's pacing is rapid, which builds excitement but might overwhelm viewers by rushing through key moments. For instance, the transition from Ethan's lunge to Sandy's intervention with the shotgun and police arrival happens quickly, potentially missing opportunities to deepen Riley's terror or show her reactions in more detail, which could help both the writer refine character development and readers grasp the intensity of the moment.
Suggestions
  • To avoid clichés, consider altering the attack method—perhaps have Ethan emerge from a less expected place or incorporate an element from the Polaroids, like a photo coming to life, to tie into the supernatural themes and make the scene more unique.
  • Enhance Riley's character by adding subtle internal reactions or micro-expressions in the action lines, such as her thoughts flashing to past events or a brief physical tell (e.g., clutching a necklace), to build empathy and connect her fear to the larger story arc without overloading the scene with exposition.
  • Slow down the pacing slightly by inserting a brief pause or additional sensory detail before the hands grab Riley, such as a shadow moving or a whisper, to heighten anticipation and make the scare more effective, allowing the audience to feel the build-up.
  • Refine Ethan's dialogue to be more specific and foreshadowing; for example, change 'You're not done being mine' to something that hints at the occult or recurring motifs, like 'The dream never ends, Riley,' to create thematic links and deepen the threat's resonance.
  • Incorporate visual motifs that recur in the script, such as the moth or the concept of being 'watched,' by having the moth's behavior mirror Riley's panic or the Polaroids subtly reference later events, ensuring the scene feels integral to the whole narrative and provides continuity for the reader.



Scene 2 -  Whispers in the Shadows
INT. CAMPUS LIBRARY - NIGHT

INT. CAMPUS LIBRARY – NIGHT
Wind howls against tall, arched windows. Stacks loom like
silent towers.
At the far end of a long oak table sits RILEY (20) -- bundled
in a thick coat. Rigid posture. Tense shoulders.
SUPER: THREE YEARS LATER
A massive textbook lies open before her --
“Dark Mirrors: The Psychology of Belief, Fear, and the
Occult.”
Pages fan in the draft, but Riley’s fingers clamp the edges,
trembling subtly -- as if something might slither free from
the paper.
She flips to a new spread -- freezes.
A full-page ILLUSTRATION stares back:
A towering, demonic figure with three heads -- one human
breathing fire, one ram, one bull -- each snarling in a
different direction.
The name above the illustration --
ASMODEUS
Beside it, a sigil -- jagged, tangled lines like thorns
twisting around an eye-shaped core.
Beneath the sigil, handwritten in an old-style serif font --
“HAIR BINDS. BLOOD RELEASES.”
Riley’s breath catches. Her posture tightens.
A soft CREAK echoes between the stacks.
Riley jerks upright -- eyes scanning the aisles.
No one. Just books.
She swallows, pulls her coat tighter.
A nervous hand drifts down and pats her calf beneath her
jeans -- reassuring herself something is still there. Hidden.
Safe.
Her phone buzzes softly against the wooden tabletop.

She checks the screen.
VOICEMAIL: 1 NEW MESSAGE.
Her thumb hovers, suspended in dread.
Finally -- she taps PLAY.
ROBOTIC VOICE (V.O.)
This is an automated call from the
Victim Information and Notification
Everyday service. Offender Ethan
Rowe has been released from state
custody, effective today, 3:11 p.m.
Riley’s jaw clenches. Her pulse thuds in her neck.
ROBOTIC VOICE (V.O.)
If you have questions about this
notification, please contact your
local victim services --
She hits END.
Silence swallows the table. Thick. Suffocating.
The name hangs in her mind like a curse:
ETHAN ROWE.
She inhales sharply -- Four counts. Holds for four more.
Exhales -- out six. Controlled. Practiced.
But her eyes drift back to the illustration.
To the sigil.
To the text beneath it.
“HAIR BINDS. BLOOD RELEASES.”
Another CREAK -- closer.
Riley flinches -- turns her head toward the end of the aisle.
Nothing.
The shadows feel deeper now.
EXT. CAMPUS LIBRARY - NIGHT
Snow swirls around Riley as she exits past the frosted glass.

A SHADOW paces her inside -- perfectly in step.
EXT. CAMPUS - PATH - NIGHT
The campus is deserted. Lamps BUZZ overhead, flickering.
Riley walks fast, boots sinking into fresh snow. Her breath
fogs the air.
A gust kicks up --
Skeletal trees bend toward her.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary In a tense and foreboding scene set in a campus library at night, Riley, a 20-year-old woman, studies a textbook on the occult while grappling with anxiety over the recent release of Ethan Rowe from custody. As she becomes increasingly unsettled by mysterious creaks and the ominous illustration of the demon Asmodeus, she attempts to calm herself with breathing exercises. The atmosphere thickens with dread as she exits the library into a snowy night, where a shadow seems to follow her, amplifying her sense of isolation and impending danger.
Strengths
  • Atmospheric descriptions
  • Tension-building techniques
  • Intriguing supernatural elements
  • Foreboding tone
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively establishes a foreboding atmosphere, introduces a compelling mystery, and raises the stakes with the return of a dangerous character. The use of symbolism and tension-building techniques enhances the overall impact.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of blending psychological horror with supernatural elements is intriguing and sets up a compelling mystery. The introduction of Asmodeus and the cryptic messages add depth to the narrative and create a sense of unease.

Plot: 8

The plot advances by introducing the return of Ethan Rowe and hinting at a larger supernatural threat. The scene sets up future conflicts and raises the stakes for the protagonist, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the psychological thriller genre by combining elements of the occult with psychological trauma. The authenticity of Riley's reactions and the eerie setting contribute to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7.5

The scene focuses more on setting and atmosphere than on character development. However, Riley's reaction to the news of Ethan's release and her sense of dread are effectively portrayed.

Character Changes: 7

Riley experiences a shift in her emotional state, moving from initial dread to a sense of impending danger and unease. The news of Ethan's release triggers a change in her demeanor.

Internal Goal: 8

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to confront her fears and anxieties related to the past, particularly regarding the release of Ethan Rowe. This reflects her deeper need for closure, safety, and control over her emotions.

External Goal: 7.5

Riley's external goal is to navigate the immediate threat or presence she feels, possibly related to the release of Ethan Rowe. She aims to protect herself and maintain a sense of security.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict is primarily internal, with Riley facing her fears and the return of a dangerous individual. The scene sets up future external conflicts related to Ethan and the supernatural elements.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Riley facing both internal fears and external threats. The uncertainty surrounding Ethan Rowe's release and the mysterious presence add layers of complexity and suspense.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high with the return of Ethan Rowe and the introduction of supernatural elements. Riley's safety and well-being are at risk, setting up a dangerous and suspenseful situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key information about Ethan's release, setting up future conflicts, and hinting at a larger supernatural threat. It builds anticipation for what is to come.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected phone call about Ethan Rowe's release, introducing a new layer of tension and uncertainty. The pacing and eerie atmosphere keep the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of belief, fear, and the occult. Riley is confronted with the idea of dark forces and the power of symbols, challenging her rational worldview and forcing her to confront her beliefs about the supernatural.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes fear, dread, and anticipation in the audience, creating an emotional connection to Riley's plight and the looming threat of Ethan's return.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but serves its purpose in conveying important information about Ethan's release and adding to the tension of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its atmospheric setting, the protagonist's internal struggles, and the looming sense of danger. The reader is drawn into Riley's emotional turmoil and the mystery surrounding Ethan Rowe.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds suspense and maintains a sense of urgency, especially through Riley's internal monologue and the gradual reveal of information about Ethan Rowe. The rhythm enhances the scene's emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting aligns with the genre expectations, utilizing scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue to create a visually engaging and suspenseful narrative.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure that builds tension effectively, leading to a climactic revelation. It adheres to the expected format for a psychological thriller genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of continuity from Scene 1 by revisiting Riley's trauma through the voicemail about Ethan's release, creating a strong emotional link that heightens the audience's understanding of her ongoing psychological state. This use of foreshadowing builds suspense and makes the horror feel personal and immediate, which is crucial for character-driven thrillers.
  • The visual and auditory elements, such as the howling wind, creaking sounds, and flickering shadows, are well-utilized to create a claustrophobic atmosphere in the library, enhancing the horror genre's reliance on suspense. However, the repetition of creaking noises might feel slightly overused, potentially desensitizing the audience if not varied, and could benefit from more diverse sound cues to maintain tension without redundancy.
  • Riley's character is portrayed with depth through her physical reactions—trembling fingers, controlled breathing exercises, and the subtle pat on her calf—which effectively convey her anxiety and resourcefulness. This action hints at her hidden item (likely a weapon), adding layers to her character arc and showing growth from the vulnerable 17-year-old in Scene 1 to a more prepared 20-year-old, but it could be more explicitly tied to her past to avoid ambiguity for viewers unfamiliar with the context.
  • The transition from the library interior to the exterior path is smooth in terms of escalating tension, with the shadow pacing Riley serving as a chilling visual metaphor for her persistent fear. However, this element might come across as too vague or stereotypical in horror tropes, risking clichéd execution if not grounded in unique story elements, such as connecting it more directly to the occult themes introduced in the textbook.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which suits the scene's focus on internal tension, but the robotic voicemail delivery is particularly effective in amplifying dread without over-explaining. That said, the scene's reliance on Riley's solitary actions might limit opportunities for dynamic interactions, making it feel somewhat static compared to the high-energy confrontation in Scene 1; incorporating subtle environmental interactions could enrich the scene's pacing.
  • Overall, the scene successfully sets up the supernatural elements (e.g., the Asmodeus illustration and the 'HAIR BINDS. BLOOD RELEASES' inscription) as harbingers of the larger plot, creating a bridge to the occult horror that unfolds later. However, the rapid shift from psychological terror to potential supernatural pursuit in the exterior could confuse audiences if the tone isn't carefully balanced, as it introduces multiple layers of fear that might dilute the focus on Riley's immediate trauma from Ethan.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the sensory details in the library to make the environment more immersive; for example, describe the feel of the cold draft on Riley's skin or the musty smell of old books to deepen the audience's engagement and heighten the unease.
  • Clarify the action of Riley patting her calf by adding a brief visual cue or internal thought in the action lines, such as 'She pats her calf, feeling the reassuring weight of the hidden knife,' to make her preparedness more explicit and tie it back to her character development without revealing too much.
  • Vary the sound effects to avoid repetition; instead of multiple identical creaks, introduce different auditory elements like a distant whisper or a page turning unnaturally to keep the tension building progressively and maintain audience interest.
  • Strengthen the transition to the exterior by adding a beat where Riley hesitates at the door, glancing back at the book or the shadows, to make the shift feel more organic and emphasize her reluctance to leave the 'safety' of the library.
  • Consider adding a subtle hint of the supernatural in the library, such as the illustration's sigil seeming to shift slightly in the corner of her eye, to foreshadow the escalating horror without overshadowing the psychological elements, ensuring a smoother integration with the story's themes.



Scene 3 -  The Ominous Arrival
EXT. SORORITY HOUSE - NIGHT
The blizzard SHRIEKS, clawing the sky.
Through the white squall, an old Tudor-style sorority house
emerges --
Sagging under snow, steep gables stab upward.
Riley trudges up the front steps. Each step sinks deep.
Mullioned windows glare out like rows of black, glassy eyes.
Watching.
INT. FOYER – NIGHT
The front door SLAMS behind Riley. She spins and locks the
deadbolt, the chain -- checks them again.
She stomps snow from her boots -- brushes frost from her
coat, fingers trembling from cold.
The foyer yawns around her, once grand, now sagging under
decades of neglect.
Peeling wallpaper droops like shedding skin.
A sweeping grand staircase dominates the room, curving upward
like the exposed ribs of some enormous carcass.
A cold draft slithers across the floor and coils around her
ankles.
She shivers -- pulls her coat tighter. Takes one step
forward.
From deep below, a single, sharp --

RING.
Riley freezes mid-step.
Her jaw tightens -- eyes darting toward the basement door,
barely visible in the shadowed hall.
Then --
Another RING -- hollow, distant. Something more primitive.
Echoing up from the dark like something calling her name
without words.
Riley forces herself to look at the basement door.
Its frame is crooked, as if something once tried to push its
way out.
Her breath quickens.
A drip of melting snow rolls down her wrist.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary In a fierce blizzard, Riley approaches a dilapidated Tudor-style sorority house, feeling anxious as she enters and secures the door multiple times. The neglected foyer, with its eerie atmosphere, heightens her fear. Suddenly, a hollow ringing sound echoes from the basement, freezing her in place as she stares at the crooked door, her breath quickening in suspense.
Strengths
  • Atmospheric descriptions
  • Tension-building
  • Character development
  • Plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene excels in creating a palpable sense of dread and suspense through its detailed descriptions, ominous atmosphere, and effective use of setting. It keeps the audience on edge and engaged with its eerie tone and foreboding imagery.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene, focusing on fear, danger, and the supernatural, is well-executed and engaging. It effectively explores themes of vulnerability, paranoia, and the unknown, keeping the audience captivated and anxious.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is crucial in setting up the ongoing threat, establishing the stakes, and deepening the main character's fears. It advances the narrative while maintaining a high level of tension and suspense.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar setting of a haunted house but adds originality through its detailed descriptions, eerie atmosphere, and the psychological depth of the protagonist's internal conflict. The authenticity of Riley's reactions and the unfolding mystery contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters in the scene, particularly Riley, are well-developed in terms of their reactions, vulnerabilities, and fears. Their actions and emotions drive the tension and contribute to the overall atmosphere of dread and suspense.

Character Changes: 8

Riley undergoes a subtle but significant change in the scene, transitioning from initial fear to a sense of determination and readiness to face the threat. Her character development adds depth and complexity to the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to confront her fears and past traumas, as indicated by her tense reactions to the sounds and sights within the house. This reflects her deeper need for closure or resolution regarding something unsettling from her past.

External Goal: 7

Riley's external goal is to investigate the mysterious ringing from the basement and potentially confront whatever is causing it. This goal reflects the immediate challenge she faces in the scene, which is to confront the unknown and potentially dangerous situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, heightening the tension and fear experienced by the main character. The ongoing threat, the eerie setting, and the sense of danger create a high level of conflict that drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the mysterious ringing and Riley's internal conflict creating a sense of uncertainty and danger. The audience is left unsure of what will happen next, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the main character facing a dangerous and unknown threat. The sense of danger, fear, and vulnerability heightens the tension and keeps the audience engaged in the unfolding narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a new threat, deepening the main character's fears, and setting up future conflicts and developments. It advances the plot while maintaining a high level of tension and suspense.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces mysterious elements that keep the audience guessing about the source of the ringing and the potential dangers lurking in the basement. The unexpected nature of the sounds and Riley's reactions add to the suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of fear versus curiosity, safety versus exploration. Riley's internal struggle between wanting to stay safe and wanting to uncover the source of the mysterious ringing challenges her beliefs about facing the unknown.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a strong emotional impact on the audience, evoking feelings of fear, suspense, and anxiety. The atmospheric descriptions, character reactions, and sense of impending danger contribute to a heightened emotional experience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene, while limited, effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and the sense of impending danger. It adds to the atmosphere and tension without overshadowing the visual descriptions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its immersive descriptions, escalating sense of danger, and the protagonist's relatable internal conflict. The mystery surrounding the ringing and the eerie setting captivate the audience's attention.

Pacing: 9

The pacing effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of eerie events and Riley's internal turmoil. The rhythmic flow of the scene enhances the atmosphere and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a horror screenplay, with clear scene headings, concise action lines, and effective use of white space to enhance readability and atmosphere.

Structure: 9

The structure effectively builds tension and suspense, following a classic horror setup with a gradual reveal of eerie elements and escalating stakes. The pacing and formatting align with the genre expectations, enhancing the scene's impact.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a foreboding atmosphere, using vivid sensory details like the blizzard's shriek, the sagging house, and the neglected foyer to immerse the audience in Riley's anxiety. This builds on the tension from Scene 2, where Riley is already on edge from the voicemail about Ethan's release, creating a seamless transition that heightens the overall suspense in the screenplay. However, while the descriptions are strong, they risk becoming overly descriptive without advancing character depth, potentially making Riley's actions feel more like generic horror tropes than personalized responses to her trauma from Scene 1.
  • Riley's repetitive actions, such as locking the door multiple times and brushing off snow, clearly convey her anxiety and paranoia, which is a smart way to show rather than tell her emotional state. This ties into the script's theme of fear and vulnerability, especially given her history with Ethan. That said, the scene lacks deeper insight into Riley's internal world; for instance, there's no explicit connection to her past assault or the occult elements introduced in Scene 2, which could make her fear feel more isolated and less integrated into the larger narrative arc.
  • The pacing is tight and suspenseful, ending on a strong cliffhanger with the mysterious ringing from the basement, which echoes the creaking sounds in previous scenes and foreshadows the supernatural horrors to come. This brevity helps maintain momentum in a horror script, but it might benefit from a slight expansion to allow the audience to breathe and connect with Riley's emotions, as the rapid shift from exterior to interior and the immediate jump to tension could feel abrupt, potentially overwhelming viewers without giving them time to absorb the setting.
  • Visually and aurally, the scene excels with elements like the 'glassy eyes' of the windows and the 'hollow' ring, which contribute to the eerie tone and build dread effectively. However, the ringing sound, while a great hook, feels somewhat disconnected from the established motifs (e.g., the 'HAIR BINDS. BLOOD RELEASES' sigil or Ethan's influence), which could confuse audiences if not tied more clearly to the overarching plot. This might dilute the scene's impact by introducing a new element without sufficient context, making it harder for readers to understand its significance in the broader story.
  • In terms of structure, this scene serves as a solid transitional piece, moving Riley from the external world of the campus to the confined, threatening space of the sorority house, which amplifies her isolation and sets up future conflicts. Yet, it could better utilize the setting to reveal subtle hints about the house's history (e.g., the 1975 disappearances mentioned later), making the environment feel more alive and integral to the horror. Currently, the foyer description is evocative but could be more economical, avoiding redundancy in phrases like 'sagging under snow' and 'peeling wallpaper' to keep the focus on Riley's psychological state and the building tension.
Suggestions
  • To deepen Riley's character, add a brief internal monologue or a subtle physical tic (e.g., her hand trembling as she locks the door, recalling a memory from Scene 1) that explicitly links her anxiety to Ethan's attack, making her fear more personal and relatable while reinforcing the script's themes of trauma and survival.
  • Enhance foreshadowing by incorporating a small detail in the foyer that hints at the supernatural elements, such as a faint, unexplained scent or a cracked photo on the wall related to the 'Dream Boy' game, to better connect this scene to later events and make the ringing sound feel less abrupt and more integral to the story's mythology.
  • Adjust the pacing by adding a momentary pause after Riley enters, where she scans the room and takes a deep breath, allowing the audience to share in her unease and build suspense gradually. This could include a close-up shot of her face or a slow pan of the staircase to heighten tension without extending the scene's length significantly.
  • Strengthen the auditory elements by making the ringing sound more distinctive or tied to previous scares, such as echoing the creaks from Scene 2 or incorporating a whisper that could be interpreted as Ethan's voice, ensuring it feels like a natural escalation of Riley's paranoia rather than a disconnected jump-scare.
  • Improve visual economy by refining descriptive language to focus on key images that advance the plot or character, such as emphasizing the 'ribs of a carcass' staircase as a symbol of the house's decay, and consider using shot directions (e.g., 'CLOSE ON Riley's face as the ring echoes') to guide the reader's visualization and make the scene more cinematic and engaging.



Scene 4 -  Blizzard Whispers
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Holiday lights sag in lazy zigzags across the walls—half
burnt out, half hanging on by a thread.
The place carries end-of-semester exhaustion: blankets half-
folded, crumbs, empty wine bottles.
CHELSEA (20) lounges on a beanbag—perfect hair, perfect
nails, under-eye anti-aging strips glowing faint blue. She
scrolls with mechanical precision, her face set in a
practiced half-smile she doesn’t feel.
BROOKE (21) perches on the arm of the couch like a dethroned
queen, wine glass in one hand, a half-empty bag of chips in
the other.
LILLY (20) curls like a cat in an oversized chair, swallowed
by a blanket and a copy of “Wuthering Heights” -- battered
cover soft from rereads.
Chelsea sighs dramatically.
CHELSEA
Do you ever think about how we
just... fade after college? Like,
we build up this image -- this
whole persona -- and then poof.
Job. Taxes. Slowly becoming...
irrelevant.

BROOK
Wait, so your biggest fear is being
boring?
CHELSEA
Forgotten.
(beat)
My mom’s twenty-five pictures all
look like she’s the babysitter. Not
the mom. She isn’t even the main
character of her own life.
Lilly looks up from her book—eyes softening.
BROOKE
Chels, that’s not gonna be you.
You’re like... aggressively
visible.
Chelsea manages a weak smile.
Riley enters -- cheeks pink from the cold, eyes a little
haunted.
BROOKE (CONT’D)
Ayy, she lives. The library goblin
returns.
CHELSEA
Welcome back to civilization. Sort
of.
RILEY
I was in civilization. It’s called
a library. Some of us go there to
do this thing called “learning.”
She surveys the room -- a total disaster.
RILEY (CONT’D)
Jesus. This place looks awful.
Don’t forget -- Sue’s back
tomorrow.
BROOKE
When the house mom’s away, the
sisters will play.
They laugh.
Riley drops her backpack and sinks onto the couch.
Something catches her eye --

A Polaroid, face down, resting alone on the coffee table.
Riley goes still.
Brooke notices.
BROOKE (CONT’D)
Oh—yeah. Look what I found today.
She flips it.
A captured moment:
Riley, Brooke, Chelsea, and Lilly, two years younger --
glittery cheeks, matching Greek sweaters.
Riley exhales, something nostalgic and sad threading through
it.
RILEY
Freshman year Rush?
BROOKE
Nailed it.
RILEY
God, we look like… feral camp
counselors.
BROOKE
That was the night you dared
Chelsea to shotgun a Natty Light
through a Twizzler.
Lilly looks up from her book with a dry, tiny smile.
LILLY
She did it twice.
CHELSEA
And then threw up on Brooke’s Uggs.
They all break into laughter—real, warm, a flash of what they
used to be.
Chelsea looks at Riley again, really looks at her.
CHELSEA (CONT’D)
You okay? You look kind of... pale.
Riley flinches at the question.
RILEY
Yeah. I’m fine.

Chelsea pulls off her eye strips, angles toward the frosted
window.
CHELSEA
Blizzard selfie.
FLASH.
The white blast washes everyone’s faces—momentarily
ghostlike.
Chelsea checks her phone.
CHELSEA (CONT’D)
Ugh. I look like a frozen corpse.
Whatever.
RILEY
Why do you always have to be… seen?
Chelsea bristles, insecurity pricking through her confidence.
CHELSEA
What’s wrong with being seen?
Lilly lowers her book -- eyes sharp.
LILLY
It’s shallow.
Chelsea’s smile cracks, almost imperceptibly.
CHELSEA
People only call you shallow when
they’re the ones drowning.
Lilly’s chin lifts -- hurt hiding beneath stoicism.
BROOKE
(raising her wine)
Ladies, ladies -- please. I cannot
afford to mediate another emotional
breakdown tonight.
The tension simmers.
Riley leans forward, voice softer.
RILEY
What I meant is... sometimes being
seen can be dangerous.
Chelsea snorts.

CHELSEA
Please. I’ve got pepper spray, a
rape whistle, and two thousand
followers. I’m basically immortal.
Brooke gestures grandly.
BROOKE
Behold -- Chelsea of House
Influencer, shielded by brand
engagement.
Chelsea shoots her a look.
CHELSEA
At least I don’t use jokes to hide
the fact I’m --
RILEY
(sharp)
Chelsea. Stop.
But Brooke’s already turning, eyes narrowing.
BROOKE
No, let her finish. What am I, huh?
A clown? A placeholder?
Chelsea’s face softens—it’s rare, vulnerable.
CHELSEA
Brookie... I’m sorry. I was being
an ass. Blizzard brain. Really.
Brooke rolls her eyes but looks away -- wounded under the
humor.
Riley notices. The room feels thinner now.
She turns to Lilly, gentle.
RILEY
You good, Lil?
Lilly doesn’t answer. She stares out the frost-glazed window
as snow churns outside—wild, alive.
LILLY
Blizzards make everything quiet.
(beat)
But that’s the trick. You don’t
realize you’re trapped until
everything’s buried.

Chelsea scoffs.
CHELSEA
It’s weather, not a demonic force
field.
Lilly’s eyes stay fixed on the window.
LILLY
This house is like... a hundred
years old. We’re not the first
girls to live over other girls’
secrets.
BROOKE
Every sorority house thinks it’s
haunted. It’s tradition.
The house GROANS -- long, aching, alive.
Everyone stills.
Lilly leans in, almost whispering.
LILLY
Do you know about the sisters who
went missing here in nineteen
seventy-five?
Chelsea throws her head back.
CHELSEA
Oh God. Story time with Sadgirl.
LILLY
Blizzard like this one. Three
sisters. Gone.
Just... vanished.
Wind slams against the house as if answering.
BROOKE
They never found them?
LILLY
Not a trace.
CHELSEA
Probably ran off with some drummer
in a Camaro.
Then --

A sickly-sweet floral scent creeps across the room.
Brooke sniffs.
BROOKE
Smells like… a funeral home.
The overhead lights flicker.
Lilly closes her book.
LILLY
My mom was here five years after.
She said people stopped talking
about it.
(beat)
Like the house wanted them
forgotten.
Silence.
Heavy.
Listening.
RILEY
You’re messing with us.
LILLY
I’m not.
(beat)
One of the names was... Jane
Dawkins.
The name seems to vibrate through the walls.
The whole house exhales -- a long, low creak.
Lilly pulls the blanket closer, retreating.
Then --
RING.
A sound from deep in the house.
Metallic.
Wrong.
The girls freeze.
The girls wait, breath held—

But the sound doesn’t come again.
Brooke forces a laugh, too loud.
BROOKE
Well. That wasn’t ominous at all.
Love that for us.
Chelsea exhales shakily and tosses her hair like she’s
shaking off a nightmare.
CHELSEA
Okay, new rule -- no more ghost
stories during blizzards. My stress
wrinkles are forming stress
wrinkles.
Lilly clutches her blanket tighter—still staring at the
window.
LILLY
We’re not alone in this house.
CHELSEA
Oh my God, Lilly, stop. You’re
giving me cardiac acne.
Brooke hops off the couch arm, fishing for the wine bottle --
empty.
BROOKE
We need a distraction. Something
stupid. Something fun. Before
Chelsea has a full existential
collapse and Lilly summons a
Victorian ghost bride.
CHELSEA
You’d miss me if I died
dramatically.
Riley gives a small laugh -- but her eyes remain on the dark
hallway leading to the basement door.
The house settles with a groan, deep and tired.
A beat.
Then --
Lilly’s gaze shifts to Riley, almost conspiratorial.
LILLY
We could... play something.

Chelsea perks up slightly.
CHELSEA
Like what? Truth or Shot? Emotional
Trauma Bingo?
BROOKE
No. We need something vintage.
Retro. Something that doesn’t
involve Chelsea’s skincare routine
or Riley lecturing us about library
etiquette.
LILLY
(soft)
There are boxes in the basement...
old stuff.
A chilly silence sweeps through the room.
Chelsea wrinkles her nose.
CHELSEA
The basement? Hard pass. It smells
like wet depression down there.
Brooke raises an eyebrow, intrigued despite herself.
BROOKE
Come on, Chels. Could be fun.
Like urban exploration… but indoors.
RILEY
(deadpan)
Yeah. Nothing says “fun” like
tetanus.
But she’s staring at the basement door again—drawn to it
despite herself.
The wind rattles the house, as if urging them.
Lilly stands, letting the blanket fall.
LILLY
There’s a board game down there.
Old. Wooden box. Weird symbols.
My mom said it belonged to the
house back in the seventies.
Chelsea makes a face.

CHELSEA
Weird symbols? Harder pass.
BROOKE
I’m in.
Chelsea whips her head around.
CHELSEA
Brooke!
BROOKE
What? We’re bored, trapped in a
blizzard, out of wine, and
emotionally spiraling. It’s either
a board game or group therapy.
Chelsea shudders.
CHELSEA
Board game. Definitely board game.
Riley exhales -- uneasy.
RILEY
Are we seriously doing this?
Lilly’s eyes glint -- something curious, almost knowing.
LILLY
Just a game.
(beat)
It’s been waiting down there for
decades.
Brooke claps her hands.
BROOKE
Basement adventure it is! Last one
down buys the next bottle of wine.
CHELSEA
The liquor stores are closed.
BROOKE
Then you owe me one emotionally.
Chelsea groans but stands anyway.
Riley hesitates, looking once more toward the dark hallway—
The shadows thickening like breath.

LILLY
Come on, Riley.
(smiles faintly)
What’s the worst that could happen?
The lights flicker -- just once --
Together, they start toward the basement.
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary In a sorority house living room during a blizzard, Chelsea, Brooke, Lilly, and Riley navigate end-of-semester exhaustion and personal anxieties. Chelsea fears irrelevance post-college, sparking a discussion about being forgotten. Nostalgia surfaces with a Polaroid photo, but tensions rise over the superficiality of seeking attention. Lilly shares a chilling story about three missing sisters, heightening the eerie atmosphere as strange occurrences unsettle the group. To distract themselves, they decide to explore the basement for an old board game, despite initial reluctance, as the house groans ominously around them.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Character dynamics
  • Mystery elements
  • Eerie atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched horror tropes
  • Occasional melodramatic dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension through a mix of eerie elements, character dynamics, and hints of a mysterious past. The dialogue and interactions create a sense of unease and curiosity, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring a haunted house, delving into its history through a mysterious board game, and the interactions among the characters create a compelling narrative. The blend of horror, mystery, and character development is intriguing.

Plot: 8.5

The plot unfolds smoothly, introducing elements of mystery, past secrets, and potential supernatural occurrences. The decision to explore the basement and play the board game sets up future conflicts and deepens the overall narrative.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a mix of familiar elements like college friendships and a mysterious setting, but adds a fresh twist with the basement board game and hints of supernatural intrigue. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are distinct and each contributes to the scene's dynamics. Their interactions, dialogue, and reactions add depth to the unfolding events, showcasing their individual personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 8

The characters show hints of change, especially in their reactions to the unfolding events and the dynamics among them. There are subtle shifts in their behaviors and perceptions, setting up potential character arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

Chelsea's internal goal is to avoid being forgotten and maintain relevance in her post-college life. This reflects her deeper fear of fading into obscurity and losing her identity.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the dynamics and challenges of her friendships during a blizzard-induced gathering. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and interpersonal conflicts she faces.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict arises from the mysterious past of the house, the tension among the characters, and the decision to explore the basement. The sense of unease and potential danger adds depth to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with interpersonal conflicts, philosophical clashes, and hints of supernatural elements creating tension and uncertainty. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will navigate these challenges.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high due to the mysterious past of the house, the potential dangers lurking in the basement, and the emotional vulnerabilities of the characters. The sense of foreboding and curiosity heighten the stakes.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements, deepening the mystery, and setting up future conflicts. The decision to explore the basement and play the board game propels the narrative towards further revelations.

Unpredictability: 8.5

The scene is unpredictable due to the mix of lighthearted banter and hints of supernatural elements. The unexpected turn towards the basement board game adds a layer of mystery and suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the value of visibility and depth in relationships. Chelsea's desire to be seen clashes with Lilly's belief that being seen can be shallow.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from nostalgia and curiosity to unease and vulnerability. The interactions and revelations hint at deeper emotional layers within the characters, engaging the audience emotionally.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, revealing character traits, tensions, and hints of the past. It drives the scene forward while maintaining a sense of mystery and unease, adding layers to the character interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of humor, mystery, and character dynamics. The dialogue and interactions keep the audience invested in the unfolding events and relationships.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and intrigue, balancing slower introspective moments with lively dialogue and interactions. The rhythm contributes to the scene's effectiveness in engaging the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It is easy to follow and visually engaging.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure that balances character interactions, dialogue, and setting descriptions effectively. It maintains the expected format for a character-driven, dialogue-heavy scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the group dynamics and individual character traits through natural dialogue and interactions, making the sorority sisters feel relatable and multifaceted. For instance, Chelsea's fear of irrelevance and Brooke's humorous deflection reveal deeper insecurities, which helps build emotional depth and prepares the audience for the horror elements by grounding them in real human concerns. This approach also aids in character development, showing how each woman's personality influences the group's decision to explore the basement, creating a smooth transition to the escalating supernatural events.
  • While the scene builds tension well with atmospheric details like the house groaning, flickering lights, and the mysterious ringing sound, it relies on somewhat clichéd horror tropes that may feel predictable to savvy viewers. Elements such as the 'sickly-sweet floral scent' and 'flickering lights' are common in the genre, which could dilute the originality of the screenplay. Additionally, the foreshadowing through Lilly's story about the missing sisters in 1975 is heavy-handed, potentially telegraphing the plot too early and reducing the surprise factor, though it does tie into the overall narrative effectively.
  • The dialogue is generally strong and authentic, capturing the banter and conflicts among friends in a way that feels organic, such as the reminiscing over the Polaroid photo and the argument about being 'seen.' However, some lines, like Chelsea's direct statement about her mother's life or Lilly's exposition on the missing sisters, come across as tell-rather-than-show, which can make the scene feel expository. This might alienate readers or viewers who prefer subtler emotional revelations, and it occasionally disrupts the flow by prioritizing plot setup over character-driven moments.
  • Pacing is a strength in how it gradually escalates from light-hearted nostalgia to creeping dread, mirroring the characters' shift in mood and preparing for the basement descent. However, the scene is heavily dialogue-dependent, which can make it feel static at times, especially in a visual medium like film where action and visuals should complement the words. The emotional conflicts, while engaging, sometimes overshadow the building horror, potentially diluting the suspense that was established in previous scenes, such as Riley's anxiety from the library and the ringing sound in the foyer.
  • The integration of Riley's character arc is handled adeptly, with her haunted demeanor and reluctance adding layers of tension that connect to her traumatic past (e.g., Ethan's attack). This scene successfully uses her as a lens for the audience's unease, but it could better bridge the gap from scene 3's cliffhanger (the ringing sound) by having Riley explicitly reference or react to it earlier, making the supernatural elements feel more immediate and personal. Overall, the scene serves as a solid transitional piece, but it might benefit from more varied visual storytelling to avoid relying solely on dialogue and sound cues for atmosphere.
Suggestions
  • To enhance originality, replace clichéd horror elements like flickering lights with more unique sensory details, such as unexplained temperature drops or subtle distortions in the room's reflections, to make the supernatural buildup feel fresher and more immersive.
  • Refine the dialogue by making emotional revelations less direct; for example, show Chelsea's fear of irrelevance through actions or subtext, like obsessively checking her phone, rather than stating it outright, to create a more nuanced and engaging character portrayal.
  • Incorporate more visual and physical actions to break up the dialogue-heavy sections, such as Riley fidgeting with an object from her past or the group reacting physically to the house's groans, to maintain a dynamic pace and emphasize the building dread in a cinematic way.
  • Strengthen the connection to previous scenes by having Riley briefly acknowledge the ringing sound from scene 3 early in the scene, perhaps through an internal thought or a subtle glance, to heighten continuity and make her anxiety more palpable, drawing viewers deeper into her perspective.
  • Amplify the emotional stakes by deepening the characters' interpersonal conflicts; for instance, tie Chelsea's insecurity to Riley's trauma subtly, showing how their fears intersect, to make the group dynamics more compelling and the transition to horror more organic.



Scene 5 -  The Mysterious Box
INT. BASEMENT STAIRWELL – NIGHT
The girls huddle together at the top of the basement stairs.
A single pull-chain bulb flickers below—weak, yellow, barely
pushing back the dark.
BROOKE
Okay. No one scream unless it’s
sexy.
CHELSEA
Brooke, literally shut up.
Riley grips the railing. It’s colder than it should be—like
metal left outside in winter.
RILEY
The insulation down here’s ancient.
Don’t touch anything that looks...
crumbly.
LILLY
Whispering isn’t helping.
Brooke flips the light on.
BUZZ.
The bulb steadies.
The basement yawns beneath them -- low ceiling, exposed
beams, stone walls sweating moisture.
Dust motes drift in the cold air like tiny spirits.
They descend the creaking wooden steps.
BROOKE
(to Riley)
You know, for someone who reads so
much horror, you’d think you’d be
less scared of stairs.

RILEY
I’m not scared of stairs. I’m
scared of things that live under
stairs.
Chelsea squeaks and jumps closer to Brooke.
CHELSEA
Stopppp. I’m wearing my cute socks.
They reach the bottom.
The air thickens -- still, stale.
Riley pauses, frowning.
RILEY
Do you feel that?
BROOKE
What? The mold? Because yeah.
RILEY
No. It’s like...
(beat)
Pressure.
Lilly nods once -- she felt it too.
They move deeper.
Old sorority junk fills the shelves -- faded composite
photos, cracked candle holders, paint-peeling paddles.
Riley waves a hand in front of her face.
RILEY (CONT’D)
There’s that smell again.
BROOKE
The funeral home smell?
Chelsea coughs.
CHELSEA
I’m literally inhaling ghosts.
They pass a pile of old mattresses. A dresser with no
drawers.
Lilly slows. Something catches her eye.
A faded Greek letter banner nailed above a wooden storage
trunk.

Brooke kneels, brushing away cobwebs.
The trunk is carved with ornate symbols -- too ornate for a
sorority prop.
Riley crouches beside her.
RILEY
Those look familiar.
LILLY
They were carved into the old
doorframes upstairs.
Chelsea rubs her arms.
CHELSEA
Okay, seriously, who decorates with
occult IKEA?
Brooke tugs the latch --
CREEEEAK.
The trunk opens with a breath of cold air.
Inside --
A black lacquered box the size of a board game.
The neon pink lettering gleams, oddly fresh --
“DREAM BOY.”
Chelsea hugs herself tighter.
CHELSEA (CONT’D)
Nope. I don’t like it. Put it back.
Brooke lifts the black box carefully.
BROOKE
Dream Boy? This is awesome.
Riley freezes mid-breath.
RILEY
We’re not really going to play
that, are we?
Brooke wiggles the box at her.
BROOKE
Game night, bitches.

Riley reaches out, touching the lid.
Chelsea gasps, stumbling backward.
CHELSEA
Oh my God. Absolutely not.
Brooke smirks.
BROOKE
Relax. Wood warps... pressure
changes.
Chelsea peers over Riley’s shoulder despite herself.
CHELSEA
What kind of game is this?
Lilly’s eyes darken with recognition.
LILLY
It’s like an offering.
Riley stiffens.
RILEY
Why would a house need an offering?
The house GROANS -- loud, deep, almost a reply.
Dust shakes from the beams above.
Brooke stands, cradling the box like a prize.
BROOKE
Who cares?
(smiling)
Let’s play.
Lilly stares at the game, pale.
Chelsea wraps her arms around herself.
RILEY
(whisper)
Maybe we shouldn’t.
Brooke grins, already heading toward the stairs.
BROOKE
Too late.
Game night starts now.

The light flickers.
The house creaks.
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a dimly lit basement, four girls—Brooke, Chelsea, Riley, and Lilly—navigate their fears as they explore old sorority items. Despite Riley's warnings and Chelsea's reluctance, Brooke's boldness leads them to discover a black box labeled 'DREAM BOY.' The atmosphere grows tense as they debate whether to engage with the box, with Brooke eager to start 'game night' despite the group's hesitations. The scene ends with Brooke taking the box upstairs, declaring the game has begun, as the house creaks ominously.
Strengths
  • Atmospheric descriptions
  • Character interactions
  • Mystery element introduction
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be further refined for added impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene is well-crafted with a strong focus on building tension and suspense through atmospheric descriptions, character interactions, and the introduction of a mysterious element. It effectively sets the stage for further developments in the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of exploring a creepy basement and encountering a mysterious board game with occult symbols is intriguing and adds depth to the overall narrative. It introduces a supernatural element that promises further twists and turns in the story.

Plot: 8.7

The plot is effectively advanced in this scene through the discovery of the mysterious board game and the characters' reactions to it. It deepens the mystery and sets the stage for future developments, adding layers of complexity to the storyline.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar horror genre by combining elements of mystery, humor, and supernatural intrigue. The characters' reactions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the unfolding narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.4

The characters' interactions and reactions in the scene contribute to the building tension and suspense. Each character's personality shines through in their responses to the eerie situation, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo subtle changes in their perceptions and attitudes as they confront the mysterious board game and the supernatural elements in the basement. These changes hint at deeper character development to come.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront her fears and maintain a sense of control in a situation that is increasingly unsettling. This reflects her deeper need for courage and her desire to prove herself in the face of fear.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to explore the basement and uncover the secrets hidden within, despite the ominous atmosphere and potential dangers. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of facing the unknown and overcoming her fears.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, from the characters' fears and suspicions to the eerie atmosphere of the basement. The discovery of the mysterious board game adds a new layer of conflict and tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs, fears, and desires. The uncertainty surrounding the mysterious elements in the basement adds a layer of opposition that keeps the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are raised in this scene as the characters encounter a mysterious board game with occult symbols, hinting at dangerous and supernatural consequences. The high stakes add tension and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a new element that deepens the mystery and sets the stage for future revelations. It propels the narrative towards further developments and plot twists.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces mysterious elements and conflicts that keep the audience guessing about the outcome. The characters' reactions and the unfolding events add layers of uncertainty and tension.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing beliefs about the supernatural and the unknown. Some characters are curious and eager to explore, while others are hesitant and fearful, leading to a clash of perspectives on how to approach the mysterious situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, tapping into feelings of fear, anxiety, and curiosity. The characters' reactions and the eerie setting enhance the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 8.2

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and suspicions, enhancing the atmosphere of the scene. It adds authenticity to the interactions and helps drive the plot forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it effectively combines suspense, humor, and mystery to keep the audience intrigued and invested in the unfolding events. The dynamic between the characters and the eerie setting create a compelling atmosphere.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of events that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding mysteries. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences contributes to the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character dialogue, and action lines that effectively convey the setting and character interactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful horror genre, building tension gradually, introducing conflicts, and setting up mysteries that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds suspense through atmospheric details like the flickering light, creaking stairs, and sensory elements such as the cold air and stale smell, which immerse the audience in the horror genre and create a foreboding mood. However, this reliance on familiar horror tropes (e.g., dark basement, unexplained noises) might feel clichéd if not balanced with unique elements, potentially reducing the originality that could set this screenplay apart in a crowded genre. Additionally, the character dynamics are well-portrayed, with Brooke's sarcasm and Riley's caution providing contrast that reveals their personalities, but the interactions sometimes come across as stereotypical—Brooke as the bold instigator and Riley as the fearful one—which could benefit from more nuanced development to avoid one-dimensional portrayals and deepen audience investment.
  • Dialogue in the scene serves to advance character traits and plot, such as Brooke's humorous deflection and Riley's warnings, but it occasionally feels expository or overly on-the-nose, like Riley's line 'I’m scared of things that live under stairs,' which directly states her fear without subtlety. This can undermine the tension by making the horror elements too predictable, and it might alienate viewers who prefer implied threats over explicit declarations. Furthermore, the scene's pacing is steady but could be tightened; the descent into the basement and the exploration feel drawn out, which might work in building dread but risks losing momentum if similar scenes recur frequently in the script, especially since this is an early scene that needs to maintain high engagement.
  • The introduction of the 'DREAM BOY' box is a pivotal moment that ties into the overarching supernatural plot, effectively planting seeds for future horror elements. However, the transition from reluctance to acceptance of taking the box upstairs feels somewhat abrupt, particularly with Chelsea and Riley's objections being quickly overridden by Brooke. This could highlight inconsistencies in character motivations—why does Brooke, who seems aware of the group's unease, push forward so insistently? Without stronger justification, this might come across as contrived to propel the plot, potentially weakening the believability of the characters' decisions and the organic flow of the story. Moreover, the scene ends on a tense note with the house groaning, which is a good cliffhanger, but it could be more impactful if the supernatural hints were more integrated with the characters' emotional states, making the horror feel more personal and less environmental.
  • Visually, the scene uses strong imagery, such as the carved symbols on the trunk and the neon pink lettering on the box, which connect to earlier motifs (like the sigil in Riley's book from Scene 2), demonstrating good continuity. However, the descriptions sometimes overload on sensory details (e.g., dust motes, cold air, smells), which might overwhelm the audience or dilute the focus on key revelations. As a teacher, I'd note that while this scene successfully escalates tension from the previous scene's decision to explore the basement, it doesn't fully capitalize on the group dynamics introduced in Scene 4; for instance, the emotional vulnerabilities discussed earlier (like Chelsea's fear of irrelevance) could be woven in here to make the horror more character-driven, rather than relying solely on external scares, thus enhancing thematic depth and emotional resonance.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to be more subtle and character-specific; for example, instead of Riley explicitly stating her fear, show it through actions like hesitating on the stairs or glancing nervously under them, allowing the audience to infer her anxiety and making the horror more immersive.
  • Strengthen character motivations by adding a line or action that explains Brooke's insistence on playing the game, such as her using it as a coping mechanism for her own fears mentioned in Scene 4, to make her behavior feel more authentic and tied to her arc.
  • Vary the pacing by incorporating quicker cuts or unexpected sounds earlier in the descent to heighten tension without extending the scene length, ensuring it remains engaging and builds to the discovery of the box more dynamically.
  • Enhance foreshadowing by linking the basement symbols more explicitly to Riley's personal history (e.g., referencing the 'HAIR BINDS' inscription from her book), which could deepen the connection to her trauma with Ethan and make the supernatural elements feel more personalized and less generic.
  • Integrate more emotional depth by having the characters reference their earlier conversation in Scene 4 during the exploration, such as Chelsea tying the 'offering' comment to her fear of being forgotten, to create a smoother narrative flow and increase the stakes through character-driven horror rather than just atmospheric scares.



Scene 6 -  The Dream Boy Game: A Night of Terror
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
The storm outside thrashes. Wind scratches the windows.
In the center of the room --
The “Dream Boy” box sits on the coffee table -- neon pink
letters glinting.
The girls gather around. The air is thick. Charged.
Riley lifts the lid --
CHELSEA
This better be good.
INSIDE THE BOX
– A pastel-pink folding board.
– A deck of glossy cards -- handsome young men in retro glam
lighting.
– A bubblegum-pink cordless phone.
– A single yellowed rule card.
Chelsea flips through the photo cards --
Their smiles are too bright. Eyes too flat. Plasticky. Off.
Riley picks up the rule card --
INSERT – THE RULES
ONCE THE GAME IS STARTED, IT MUST BE FINISHED.
CHOOSE YOUR DREAM BOY AND WAIT FOR HIS CALL.
ANSWER BEFORE THE FOURTH RING.
DO NOT HANG UP BEFORE HE DOES.
WIN BY SPEAKING THE TRUTH AND NOT BREAKING A RULE
The ink pulses like it’s alive.

RILEY
(reading)
You start. You finish. Pick your
boy. Answer the call. Don't hang
up. Speak the truth and don’t break
a rule.
BROOKE
Like a toxic ex. With rules.
CHELSEA
(mocking)
Oooh, spooky.
LILLY
No more than three rings. Never
hang up. He calls twice -- you win.
Got it.
CHELSEA
Okay. I’m bored. First pick -- me.
Then Brookie, Lilly, and last but
not least, Riley.
Chelsea flips her card.
A boy with a smirk and a leather jacket: GARY.
CHELSEA (CONT’D)
Okay, Gary. Daddy energy.
BROOKE
He looks like he owns a switchblade
and a mixtape of red flags.
Chelsea plants her card.
Lilly flips hers. Blonde curls. Smug grin: ZANE.
LILLY
Of course his name is Zane.
Brooke flips her pick --
BROOKE
Dean. Tell my therapist I tried.
Riley hesitates. Turns hers --
Clean-cut. Kind smile. Soft eyes: EDDIE.
RILEY
He looks... safe.

CHELSEA
And boring. Go figure.
Riley tries to smile -- her card flickers. Warps.
For a split second --
EDDIE’S FACE BECOMES ETHAN'S -- dead, hollow eyes.
Riley jerks back.
LILLY
Riley?
Riley blinks. Eddie stares back again -- smiling.
RILEY
I’m fine.
BROOKE
So what now -- just wait for these
dream boys to call?
LILLY
Maybe they'll text first.
RING.
The pink phone SHRIEKS. The room stops.
Chelsea stares.
CHELSEA
No. Fucking. Way.
BROOKE
Answer it.
LILLY
It’s probably a built-in sound
effect.
Chelsea lifts the phone.
CHELSEA
Hello?
Stillness.
Then --
GARY (V.O.)
(low, seductive)
Hello, Chelsea.

Her smirk fades.
CHELSEA
How do you know my name?
GARY (V.O.)
I see you. I always have.
Her blood runs cold.
CHELSEA
Stop. That’s not funny.
GARY (V.O.)
Isn’t this what you wanted? To be
seen?
(voice distorts)
I... see... you...
Chelsea’s face drains.
RILEY
Don't hang --
SLAM
Chelsea HANGS UP.
Silence.
Then --
POP.
The lights DIE.
Darkness.
Chelsea checks her cell phone -- NO SERVICE.
She looks at her reflection in her phone screen --
Something looks off. Her face is wrinkled.
She shakes her head and blinks. Stares back at her screen --
Her reflection normal again.
RILEY (CONT’D)
You broke the rules.
LILLY
What did he say?

Chelsea doesn’t answer, her face hollowed with fear.
The girls stare upward, breath held, listening to the
impossible footsteps overhead -- slow, searching, deliberate.
A cold ripple of air slides down the staircase.
Chelsea shakes her head, retreating into denial.
CHELSEA
(whispers)
That’s... that’s the house.
Old wood settles. Floors creak.
It’s just --
Another CREAK.
Right above them.
Brooke squeezes Riley’s arm.
BROOKE
(whispers)
Tell me that’s a raccoon.
Please tell me that’s a raccoon
wearing boots.
Chelsea sits apart from the others, thumbing her phone with
increasing irritation.
The phone screen is dead.
She tilts the phone toward her -- and her reflection looks
back.
But it’s just a touch... off.
Chelsea lifts her chin.
Her reflected chin lifts a half-second later -- a faint,
syrupy delay.
Chelsea freezes.
She shifts the phone right.
Her reflection glides into place after she moves -- smooth,
unnatural, as if her image is thinking about it first.
Her breath trembles.
LILLY
We should stick together. We should
go upstairs together. We should --

CHELSEA
-- No. I’m fine.
I’m going to the bathroom. I
just... I need a second.
RILEY
Chelsea -- don’t go alone.
Chelsea masks fear with a brittle laugh.
CHELSEA
Relax. I’ll pee with the door open
if that makes you feel better.
She grabs the lantern, flipping it on with shaking hands.
CHELSEA (CONT’D)
See? Light. Technology. No ghosts
allowed.
She forces a smile -- the kind that doesn’t reach her eyes --
and heads toward the stairs.
Riley steps after her.
RILEY
Chelsea -- seriously.
Chelsea stops, turns, and for one microsecond, the mask
drops.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary In a stormy night, Riley, Chelsea, Brooke, and Lilly gather to play the eerie 'Dream Boy' game. As they select their dream boys from a deck of cards, Chelsea receives a creepy call from 'Gary,' which she hangs up on, breaking a crucial rule. This triggers supernatural events: the lights go out, cell phones lose service, and strange noises echo from upstairs. Despite her friends' warnings, Chelsea decides to go to the bathroom alone, masking her fear with a forced smile, as the tension escalates.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Eerie atmosphere
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Mysterious elements
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Some cliched dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the introduction of the mysterious 'Dream Boy' game, the eerie phone call, and the unsettling reflections. The execution is strong, keeping the audience engaged and anxious about what will happen next.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the 'Dream Boy' game adds a unique and mysterious element to the scene, driving the plot forward and increasing the stakes for the characters. The introduction of supernatural elements enhances the overall intrigue.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging and well-developed, with the introduction of the game leading to escalating tension and conflict among the characters. The scene moves the story forward while maintaining a sense of mystery and suspense.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on supernatural elements and the concept of a mysterious game, adding layers of complexity to the characters' reactions and the unfolding events. The dialogue feels authentic and contributes to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' reactions and interactions effectively contribute to the scene's tension and suspense. Each character's personality shines through in their dialogue and actions, adding depth to the unfolding events.

Character Changes: 9

While there are subtle shifts in the characters' emotions and perceptions, the scene primarily focuses on maintaining tension and suspense rather than significant character development. However, the characters' reactions hint at potential growth and change.

Internal Goal: 8

Riley's internal goal is to navigate the unfolding supernatural events and maintain her composure despite the escalating tension and fear among her friends. This reflects her need for control and stability in the face of the unknown.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to survive the supernatural encounter and protect her friends from potential harm. This goal is driven by the immediate threat posed by the mysterious dream boys and the eerie events unfolding in the house.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, driven by the characters' fears and the mysterious game they are playing. The escalating tension and the characters' reactions create a sense of impending danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a mysterious and potentially dangerous supernatural force that challenges their beliefs and actions. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters face supernatural threats, escalating tension, and the unknown consequences of the 'Dream Boy' game. The sense of danger and uncertainty raises the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new elements, escalating the conflict, and deepening the mystery surrounding the 'Dream Boy' game. The unfolding events set the stage for further developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden appearance of the dream boys, the eerie phone call, and the supernatural events that challenge the characters' expectations and beliefs.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of facing one's fears and the consequences of breaking rules in a supernatural context. It challenges the characters' beliefs about control, fate, and the unknown.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, eliciting feelings of fear, suspense, and curiosity. The characters' reactions and the supernatural elements heighten the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging and realistic, reflecting each character's personality and adding to the scene's atmosphere. The exchanges between the characters heighten the tension and reveal their individual traits.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, mysterious elements, and the escalating tension among the characters. The audience is drawn into the unfolding supernatural events and the characters' reactions.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds suspense and maintains a sense of urgency as the supernatural events unfold. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's effectiveness in conveying the characters' escalating fear and uncertainty.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8.5

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a suspenseful scene, with clear descriptions and dialogue cues that enhance the atmosphere and character interactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness in conveying the escalating supernatural events.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds suspense and introduces the supernatural elements of the 'Dream Boy' game, creating a seamless transition from curiosity to terror. The rules are presented in a way that feels ominous and foreboding, with the pulsing ink adding a subtle visual cue that heightens the eerie atmosphere, making the audience feel the weight of the game's curse early on. This setup pays off well in the story's larger arc, connecting to themes of fear, truth, and consequences established in earlier scenes.
  • However, Chelsea's decision to go to the bathroom alone despite the growing danger feels somewhat contrived and trope-like, which might undermine the realism of her character. Her denial comes across as abrupt, potentially reducing the emotional impact; it would benefit from more buildup or personal motivation tied to her earlier dialogue about wanting to be 'seen,' to make her isolation feel more organic and less like a horror cliché.
  • The dialogue is generally strong in revealing character personalities—Brooke's sarcasm adds levity and contrast to the tension, while Riley's hesitation shows her trauma from past events—but some lines, like the explicit reading of the rules and Chelsea's mocking responses, can feel expository and on-the-nose. This might pull the audience out of the immersion, as it directly tells rather than shows the stakes, especially when the rules could be integrated more naturally through actions or subtle hints.
  • Pacing is brisk and engaging, escalating from playful banter to horror quickly, which maintains momentum in a fast-paced screenplay. Yet, the rapid shift might not allow enough time for the characters' emotional states to resonate fully; for instance, Riley's hallucination of Ethan's face is a powerful moment that ties into her backstory, but it's resolved too swiftly, potentially diluting its impact on the group's dynamics and the overall tension.
  • Visually, the scene uses effective horror elements like the warping card, the delayed reflection, and the deliberate footsteps to create a sense of dread, leveraging the storm outside and the dim lighting to enhance isolation. However, the reliance on jump scares (e.g., the phone ringing and lights going out) could be balanced with more atmospheric dread to avoid predictability, ensuring the horror feels earned rather than formulaic within the context of the screenplay's supernatural themes.
Suggestions
  • Strengthen Chelsea's character motivation for going alone by linking it more explicitly to her fear of irrelevance or a need for control, perhaps through an internal thought or a line of dialogue that shows her rationalizing it as a way to prove she's not afraid, making her decision feel more personal and less stereotypical.
  • Slow down the pacing in key moments, such as after Chelsea hangs up the phone, by adding a few beats of silence or subtle sensory details (e.g., the sound of wind howling or a character's heavy breathing) to build anticipation and allow the audience to absorb the tension before the next event, enhancing the emotional payoff.
  • Refine the dialogue to be less expository; for example, instead of having Riley read the rules aloud verbatim, show them through fragmented readings or interruptions in conversation, and use Chelsea's interaction with the voice to reveal rules more dynamically, making the dialogue feel more natural and integrated into the action.
  • Enhance the horror elements by incorporating more sensory details, such as describing the cold air's texture or the phone's unnatural weight in Chelsea's hand, to immerse the audience deeper and make the supernatural aspects more visceral and less reliant on visual shocks.
  • Improve foreshadowing by subtly referencing elements from previous scenes, like the basement discovery or Riley's textbook sigil, through a quick glance or a character's comment, to better connect this scene to the broader narrative and reinforce themes of recurring danger and psychological terror.



Scene 7 -  Whispers in the Dark
INT. STAIRCASE – NIGHT
Chelsea climbs, each step groaning under her weight.
Her lantern flickers.
Halfway up --
She stops.
Listening.
The house inhales, a deep, wooden sigh.
She swallows hard.
CHELSEA
(to herself)
It’s fine. It’s fine. You’re fine.

INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS
Chelsea steps onto the second-floor landing.
The hallway stretches long and shadow-drenched, old wallpaper
peeling in strips.
Her lantern casts shaky halos of light across closed doors.
She takes a few steps.
Behind her -- a soft TAP.
Chelsea freezes.
Turns.
Nothing.
Just the empty staircase behind her.
A strip of wallpaper at the far end of the hall BULGES, like
something pressing from the other side.
Chelsea doesn't see it.
She walks forward slowly, lantern raised.
Her footsteps echo.
She approaches the bathroom door, slightly ajar.
The faintest drip… drip… drip comes from inside.
She peers in.
She pushes the door open.
The dripping stops.
Silence.
She takes a step inside --
Then another --
Her reflection in the hallway mirror just outside the
bathroom delays a half-second.
Chelsea doesn't notice.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary In this tense and eerie scene, Chelsea ascends a creaking staircase in a dimly lit, haunted house, trying to calm her nerves with whispered reassurances. As she navigates the shadowy upstairs hallway, she hears unsettling sounds and notices a bulging strip of wallpaper, hinting at unseen threats. Approaching a slightly ajar bathroom door, she is drawn in by a faint dripping sound, unaware of the supernatural anomalies around her, including a delayed reflection in the hallway mirror. The scene builds suspense as Chelsea steps further into the bathroom, oblivious to the lurking dangers.
Strengths
  • Atmospheric descriptions
  • Tension-building
  • Mystery elements
  • Character reactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in the scene
  • Dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene excels in creating a tense and suspenseful atmosphere, effectively engaging the audience with its eerie descriptions and subtle hints at supernatural elements. The pacing and structure build anticipation and fear, making it a compelling and memorable segment.


Story Content

Concept: 9.1

The concept of exploring a haunted sorority house during a blizzard and uncovering mysterious artifacts is intriguing and well-executed. The scene effectively introduces supernatural elements and builds suspense, setting the stage for further developments in the plot.

Plot: 9.2

The plot is advanced through the scene by introducing eerie elements and escalating the tension. The exploration of the basement and the discovery of the 'Dream Boy' box add depth to the story and create anticipation for future events. The scene contributes significantly to the overall narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces familiar horror elements but presents them in a fresh and engaging way. The authenticity of Chelsea's reactions and the eerie setting contribute to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' reactions and interactions enhance the atmosphere of the scene, with Chelsea's fear and determination to investigate adding depth to her character. The dynamics between the group members and their responses to the supernatural occurrences contribute to the tension and intrigue of the scene.

Character Changes: 9

While there are subtle shifts in the characters' emotions and reactions, the scene primarily focuses on building tension and setting the stage for future developments. Chelsea's determination to investigate despite her fear hints at potential character growth and resilience in the face of danger.

Internal Goal: 8

Chelsea's internal goal is to overcome her fear and anxiety in the face of the unknown and potentially supernatural events happening in the house. This reflects her deeper need for courage and control over her emotions.

External Goal: 7.5

Chelsea's external goal is to investigate the strange occurrences in the house and potentially uncover the source of the mysterious sounds and movements. This goal reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.8

The scene maintains a high level of internal and external conflict through the characters' fears, the eerie setting, and the mysterious elements introduced. The tension between the characters and the unknown threats lurking in the house create a sense of unease and anticipation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with subtle hints of danger and the unknown lurking in the background, keeping the audience and Chelsea on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters confront supernatural threats, uncover mysterious artifacts, and face their fears in a haunted environment. The potential dangers lurking in the sorority house during the blizzard raise the stakes and create a sense of urgency and danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key elements, escalating the tension, and deepening the mystery surrounding the sorority house and its supernatural artifacts. The discoveries made by the characters set the stage for further plot developments and revelations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces subtle hints of supernatural elements without fully revealing the source of the disturbances, leaving the audience intrigued and uncertain.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between Chelsea's rational mind trying to explain away the supernatural occurrences and the growing sense of unease and fear that something otherworldly might be at play. This challenges her beliefs in logic and reason against the unknown.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.1

The scene has a strong emotional impact on the audience, evoking feelings of fear, suspense, and curiosity. The eerie atmosphere, character reactions, and supernatural elements combine to create a sense of unease and anticipation, drawing the audience into the story.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions and reactions to the unfolding events. While there are moments of tension and conflict, the dialogue serves primarily to build atmosphere and suspense, setting the tone for the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it keeps the audience on edge with its suspenseful pacing and mysterious events, drawing them into Chelsea's unsettling experience.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing effectively builds tension and suspense, creating a sense of unease and anticipation as Chelsea navigates the eerie environment.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected style for a horror screenplay, effectively conveying the eerie atmosphere and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a suspenseful structure typical of the horror genre, building tension gradually and leading to a climactic moment.


Critique
  • This scene effectively builds suspense and dread through atmospheric elements like the groaning stairs, flickering lantern, and ominous sounds (the tap, sigh, and drip), which are classic horror techniques that heighten tension and immerse the audience in Chelsea's growing fear. However, the reliance on Chelsea not noticing key visual cues, such as the bulging wallpaper and the delayed reflection, can feel somewhat contrived and may undermine the realism, as it requires the character to ignore obvious threats for the sake of plot progression. This is a common issue in horror screenplays where characters must remain oblivious to maintain suspense, but it risks alienating viewers if not handled with subtlety, potentially making Chelsea appear less intelligent or aware than established in earlier scenes.
  • The use of Chelsea's internal monologue ('It’s fine. It’s fine. You’re fine.') is a strong character moment that reveals her denial and coping mechanism, tying into her broader arc of fearing irrelevance and seeking control, as seen in previous scenes. This adds psychological depth and makes her isolation feel personal, but it could be more integrated with the story's themes—such as the horror of being 'seen' or the supernatural elements—to create a richer emotional layer. Currently, the line feels somewhat generic, and expanding on it might help viewers connect her fear to the overarching narrative, especially given the script's focus on personal traumas and the occult.
  • Visually, the description of the hallway as 'long and shadow-drenched' with 'peeling wallpaper' and 'shaky halos of light' is vivid and evocative, contributing to a claustrophobic and eerie atmosphere that fits the horror genre well. However, the scene's pacing might benefit from more variation; it maintains a slow, creeping build-up that works for tension, but the repetitive nature of Chelsea's movements (freezing, turning, walking slowly) could drag in a visual medium, potentially losing audience engagement if not balanced with quicker cuts or additional sensory details. Additionally, the transition from the staircase to the hallway feels seamless, maintaining narrative flow, but it could better utilize the storm outside (from earlier scenes) to amplify the isolation, such as by having wind howl through cracks or snow shadows play on the walls.
  • In terms of sound design, the auditory elements (the tap, sigh, drip, and echoing footsteps) are crucial for building anticipation and are well-described, making the scene feel alive and threatening. Yet, the lack of any payoff or resolution in this moment—Chelsea simply enters the bathroom without incident—mirrors the slow burn of horror but might frustrate viewers if the setup feels too prolonged without advancing character or plot significantly. As this is an early scene in the sequence leading to Chelsea's demise, it serves as effective foreshadowing, but ensuring it contributes to character development or thematic depth could make it more impactful, rather than just a transitional beat.
  • Overall, the scene successfully escalates the supernatural dread established in prior scenes (like the ringing sound from scene 3 and the game rules from scene 6), creating a cohesive build-up to the horrors in scene 9. However, it could strengthen its connection to Riley's trauma and the group's dynamics by hinting at Chelsea's decision to go alone as a manifestation of her insecurities, making her vulnerability more poignant and less like a trope-driven choice. This would help readers and viewers understand the characters' motivations more deeply, enhancing the emotional stakes in a screenplay that blends personal fears with occult horror.
Suggestions
  • To make Chelsea's obliviousness to the bulging wallpaper and delayed reflection less contrived, add subtle distractions or internal justifications, such as her focusing on the dripping sound or whispering reassurances to herself, which could make her inattention feel more organic and tied to her character's denial mechanism.
  • Enhance the psychological depth by expanding Chelsea's self-reassurance dialogue to reference her earlier fears from scene 4 (e.g., 'No one's forgetting you, Chelsea. You're fine.'), linking her personal arc of seeking visibility to the supernatural threats, thereby making her isolation more thematically resonant and emotionally engaging.
  • Incorporate additional sensory details to immerse the audience further, such as describing a sudden chill in the air, a faint metallic scent, or the storm's wind rattling windows, to vary the pacing and build a more multi-dimensional atmosphere without relying solely on visual and auditory cues.
  • Adjust the pacing by intercutting brief flashes of the bulging wallpaper or delayed reflection with Chelsea's movements, using quick cuts to heighten tension and make the scene more dynamic, ensuring it doesn't feel static while still maintaining the slow build-up characteristic of horror.
  • Strengthen the scene's integration with the overall narrative by adding a small action that foreshadows the curse, such as Chelsea glancing at a photo on the wall (from earlier Polaroid motifs) or hearing a faint echo of the 'Dream Boy' game's rules, to reinforce thematic continuity and remind viewers of the escalating danger without overloading the scene.



Scene 8 -  The Game's Grip
INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME
Brooke sinks onto the couch, gripping a pillow like a life
vest.
BROOKE
Okay, let’s walk this out like
adults. Rule One: “Once the game is
started, it must be finished.”
She gestures vaguely at the glowing phone.
BROOKE (CONT’D)
So... do we keep playing? Is that
what this wants? Is this like
Jumanji rules? Or witchcraft rules?
Or --
RILEY
-- We aren’t doing anything until
we get Chelsea back down here.
Lilly shakes her head, suddenly panicked.
LILLY
What if we can’t... stop?
Riley steps forward, steadying her.
RILEY
It’s just a game, Lil. We didn’t
agree to anything. The rules aren’t
real.
LILLY
You don’t know that. As soon as
Chelsea hung up, the power went
out.
Brooke stares at the Dream Boy box still sitting on the table
-- cheerful, pastel, terrible.
BROOKE
It’s my turn next.
The room chills. Their breath fogs.
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense living room scene, Brooke initiates a discussion about the 'Dream Boy' game, referencing its rules and expressing anxiety about continuing play. Riley urges caution, insisting they wait for Chelsea, while Lilly panics over the game's potential supernatural implications, especially after a power outage. As the atmosphere grows colder and their breath becomes visible, the characters grapple with fear and uncertainty, highlighting the escalating supernatural threat.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Intriguing supernatural elements
  • Compelling character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Possible need for clearer rules of the game
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the introduction of the supernatural board game, the characters' reactions, and the ominous atmosphere. The dialogue and interactions heighten the sense of unease and mystery, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of the supernatural board game and its mysterious rules adds depth to the scene, creating a sense of foreboding and uncertainty. The introduction of the game shifts the narrative in a compelling direction.

Plot: 8.7

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of the Dream Boy game, raising the stakes and increasing the sense of danger for the characters. The scene sets up a new conflict that drives the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the concept of a mysterious game with supernatural elements, blending elements of suspense and uncertainty to create an engaging and original scenario. The characters' reactions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters' reactions and interactions are crucial in building tension and suspense. Each character's response to the game and the unfolding events adds depth to their personalities and drives the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo subtle changes as they confront the supernatural elements and the escalating tension. Their reactions and decisions in the face of danger reveal new facets of their personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

Brooke's internal goal is to maintain control and composure in the face of escalating tension and fear. This reflects her need for stability and security in a situation that is spiraling out of control.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to figure out the rules of the mysterious game they are playing and to ensure the safety of their friend Chelsea. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of navigating a potentially dangerous and unknown situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.7

The conflict in the scene is palpable, with the characters facing a mysterious and potentially dangerous situation. The escalating tension and uncertainty drive the conflict to a high level.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing unknown and potentially dangerous forces that challenge their beliefs and push them out of their comfort zones.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters face a mysterious and potentially dangerous situation with the supernatural board game. The escalating tension and uncertainty raise the stakes for all involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and raising the stakes for the characters. The narrative takes a compelling turn with the introduction of the Dream Boy game.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unknown elements and challenges that keep the audience guessing about the outcome and the true nature of the game they are playing.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' beliefs in the reality of the game rules and the supernatural elements at play. This challenges their rational worldview and forces them to confront the possibility of unknown forces controlling their reality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.6

The scene evokes fear, suspense, and curiosity in the audience, creating an emotional connection to the characters' plight. The escalating tension and eerie atmosphere heighten the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8.6

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' fear, uncertainty, and growing tension. The exchanges between the characters reveal their individual traits and motivations, adding layers to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it keeps the audience on edge with its suspenseful atmosphere, mysterious elements, and the characters' escalating fear and uncertainty.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, gradually increasing the stakes and leading to a climactic moment that leaves the audience eager to know what happens next.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for a suspenseful and mysterious genre, effectively guiding the reader through the escalating tension and uncertainty.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment where the characters' fears are heightened.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by escalating the supernatural elements, such as the room chilling and breath fogging, which serves as a strong visual cue to heighten dread and connect to the overarching horror theme of the script. However, the dialogue feels somewhat expository and on-the-nose, with characters directly referencing game rules and potential consequences, which might reduce suspense by telling rather than showing the audience the stakes, making it less immersive for viewers who prefer subtlety in horror buildup.
  • Character interactions reveal personalities well—Brooke's attempt at maturity contrasts with her underlying anxiety, Riley's caution shows her protective nature, and Lilly's panic adds vulnerability—but the reassurances from Riley come across as abrupt and unconvincing, especially given her backstory with trauma and the occult from earlier scenes. This could undermine her character's depth, as it might feel inconsistent with her established fearfulness, potentially alienating readers who expect more nuanced emotional responses in a horror narrative.
  • The pacing is solid for a transitional scene, maintaining momentum from the previous scene's cliffhanger with Chelsea's isolation, but it relies heavily on dialogue without much physical action or visual variety, which can make it feel static. In a screenplay, this might drag in a visual medium, as the audience is left with characters mostly talking in place, missing opportunities to use cinematography, sound design, or blocking to amplify the eerie atmosphere and keep viewers engaged.
  • The supernatural payoff at the end, with the room chilling and breath visible, is a great horror trope that ties into the script's themes of unseen forces and curses, but it could be more integrated earlier in the scene to build gradual unease rather than saving it for the conclusion. This sudden shift might feel like a jump scare without sufficient foreshadowing, reducing its impact and making the horror elements seem contrived rather than organic to the story's progression.
  • Overall, the scene advances the plot by setting up Brooke's impending turn and the group's internal conflict, which is crucial for the narrative arc, but it lacks deeper exploration of the characters' emotional states or how the game's rules mirror their personal fears (e.g., Chelsea's irrelevance, Riley's trauma). This missed opportunity could make the scene feel more like a plot device than a character-driven moment, potentially weakening the audience's investment in the group's dynamics amid the rising horror.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more physical actions and sensory details early in the scene to break up the dialogue and build tension gradually; for example, have characters fidget with the game pieces or glance nervously at shadows, making the horror more visceral and engaging for the audience.
  • Refine Riley's dialogue to better align with her character's history by adding subtle hints of her own doubt or past experiences, such as referencing her textbook or a personal mantra, to make her reassurances more authentic and layered, enhancing character consistency and emotional depth.
  • Add visual variety through camera directions or blocking in the screenplay; for instance, use close-ups on the glowing phone or wide shots showing the room's dimming lights to create a more dynamic pace and emphasize the supernatural elements without relying solely on exposition.
  • Build foreshadowing for the supernatural chill by introducing subtle atmospheric changes earlier, like a draft or faint whispers, to make the ending payoff feel earned and less abrupt, strengthening the scene's integration into the horror genre's slow-burn style.
  • Expand on the thematic connections by weaving in character backstories more organically; for example, have Lilly or Brooke tie the game's rules to their earlier discussions about being forgotten or seen, to deepen the emotional stakes and make the scene a pivotal moment for character development within the horror context.



Scene 9 -  Reflections of Terror
INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
Chelsea shuts the door behind her with a SNAP -- sets her
lantern on the sink.
Its bluish glow makes her skin look waxy -- like a mannequin.

CHELSEA
Ugh. I look like a corpse.
She leans toward the mirror. Rubs her cheeks.
Her reflection WINKS.
Chelsea freezes.
She rubs her eyes. Stares again.
It's a normal reflection.
CHELSEA (CONT’D)
Cute. Real cute.
She forces a smile. Smooths her hair.
Her reflection doesn’t move -- it smiles faintly. Too still.
The reflection’s complexion dulls -- wrinkles spiderweb
across its skin.
Chelsea stumbles backward.
CHELSEA (CONT’D)
What the fuck --
The reflection leans closer to the glass.
REFLECTION (V.O.)
(deep, masculine)
What happens when they stop looking
at you, Chelsea?
The lantern flickers. The temperature drops.
Chelsea’s breath fogs out in white clouds.
She turns on the faucet --
Water splutters -- then flows. Dark red. Thick.
Chelsea recoils.
CHELSEA
No... no, no --
The mirror fogs over.
A phrase scrawls itself into the condensation, written by an
unseen finger --
“I SEE YOU.”

Chelsea steps back -- her entire body trembles.
Two handprints press from inside the glass -- the surface
bulging like skin.
Her reflection looks forty years older now --
Sagging skin, yellowed teeth. Hair falling out in wet clumps
into the sink.
The glass bulges wider --
A face PUSHES through --
The handsome face of GARY. Perfect jawline. Dreamy eyes.
Radiant smile.
Suddenly, his mouth splits open to reveal --
Rows of jagged, glistening teeth.
GARY
(soft, hungry)
With me, you’ll never wrinkle.
You’ll be beautiful forever.
Chelsea lunges for the door, pulling at the knob --
It’s locked.
Her wrinkled doppelgänger pounds the glass from the inside,
grinning with rotten gums.
Gary has vanished.
Her reflection reaches through --
A withered hand shoots out -- wraps around her wrist.
Her skin withers instantly.
Veins blacken. Wrinkles spread up her arm.
Chelsea claws at the door with her free hand.
CHELSEA
Help! Help me!
The mirror sucks her in --
INSIDE THE MIRROR
Chelsea thrashes in a black void surrounded by floating
faces.

Mouths flicker fast. Wrong. Eyes glow faint yellow.
BACK TO BATHROOM
Chelsea PLOPS back out of the mirror, looks at her reflection
--
Inhuman now. Sagging. Skeletal.
The reflection grins back.
Both arms wrap around Chelsea -- YANKING her into the mirror.
Then, with a final, glassy suck --
The mirror swallows Chelsea whole.
It ripples once --
Smooths into a pristine reflection of an empty bathroom.
The lantern dies with a POP.
Then --
Silence.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Thriller"]

Summary In a chilling bathroom scene, Chelsea confronts her eerie reflection, which ages rapidly and taunts her with ominous questions about beauty and existence. As supernatural forces manifest, including dark red water and the haunting visage of Gary, Chelsea's terror escalates. Despite her desperate attempts to escape, she is ultimately pulled into the mirror, consumed by a void of glowing faces, leaving behind an empty reflection and silence.
Strengths
  • Innovative use of mirrors as a supernatural portal
  • Intense atmosphere and suspenseful buildup
  • Chilling transformation of character
  • High emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue
  • Potential for overly graphic descriptions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene excels in creating a terrifying atmosphere through a combination of supernatural elements, psychological horror, and a high level of suspense. The use of mirrors as a gateway to a nightmarish dimension adds a unique and gripping layer to the horror narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of using mirrors as a conduit to a malevolent realm is both innovative and deeply unsettling. It adds a fresh twist to traditional horror tropes and enhances the psychological terror experienced by the characters and the audience.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around Chelsea's harrowing encounter with a malevolent force through a mirror, effectively blending supernatural horror with psychological torment. The progression of events keeps the audience on edge and drives the narrative towards a terrifying climax.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its fresh approach to the theme of vanity and eternal beauty. The supernatural elements, rapid aging reflections, and the mirror portal add a unique twist to the familiar concept of self-perception and mortality. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.8

While the focus is primarily on Chelsea, the scene effectively portrays her descent into terror and desperation. The supernatural entity represented by the reflection adds depth to the character dynamics and intensifies the horror elements.

Character Changes: 9

Chelsea undergoes a significant transformation in the scene, transitioning from initial unease to sheer terror and desperation as she faces the malevolent force through the mirror. Her character arc is compelling and adds depth to the horror narrative.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront her own fears and insecurities about aging and mortality. The appearance of her reflection aging rapidly and the sinister offer of eternal beauty from the reflection of Gary challenge Chelsea's perception of herself and her deepest fears.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to escape the supernatural and terrifying situation unfolding in the bathroom. Chelsea's immediate challenge is to break free from the mirror's grasp and the haunting reflections that threaten her existence.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.4

The conflict in the scene is intense and deeply personal, as Chelsea confronts a malevolent force that preys on her insecurities and fears. The supernatural conflict adds a layer of terror that heightens the stakes and drives the tension to a peak.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Chelsea facing a terrifying and seemingly insurmountable challenge in the form of the supernatural reflections and the mirror portal. The audience is kept in suspense as they wonder how Chelsea will escape her nightmarish fate.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are exceptionally high, as Chelsea's very existence is threatened by the malevolent entity lurking within the mirror. The intense fear, desperation, and horror elevate the stakes to a terrifying level, keeping the audience on edge.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a pivotal supernatural encounter that deepens the mystery and horror surrounding the characters. Chelsea's harrowing experience sets the stage for further escalation of supernatural events and character development.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden and shocking supernatural events that unfold, such as Chelsea's reflection aging rapidly and the appearance of the sinister reflection of Gary. The unexpected twists and turns keep the audience guessing and create a sense of unease and suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of vanity, mortality, and the consequences of seeking eternal beauty. Chelsea is faced with the choice of embracing her natural self or succumbing to the allure of everlasting youth at a terrible cost.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.6

The scene delivers a high emotional impact through the visceral descriptions of horror, Chelsea's desperate struggle against the malevolent entity, and the chilling transformation she undergoes. The emotional intensity grips the audience and leaves a lasting impression.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is sparse but impactful, heightening the sense of dread and escalating the tension. The minimal dialogue allows the visual descriptions to carry the weight of the horror, enhancing the overall atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful narrative, the eerie and supernatural elements that keep the audience on edge, and the protagonist's desperate struggle against a terrifying fate. The escalating tension and unexpected twists maintain a high level of engagement throughout the scene.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted to build tension and suspense gradually, leading to a climactic and shocking conclusion. The rhythm of the scene effectively conveys the protagonist's escalating fear and desperation, keeping the audience engaged and on edge.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a horror or supernatural genre, effectively conveying the eerie atmosphere and escalating tension. The use of concise descriptions and impactful dialogue enhances the scene's impact on the reader.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense. The escalating supernatural events and Chelsea's desperate attempts to escape are presented in a coherent and engaging manner, keeping the audience on edge.


Critique
  • This scene is a pivotal moment in the screenplay, effectively escalating the horror by depicting the first major supernatural attack, which heightens the stakes for the remaining characters. The use of Chelsea's reflection as a conduit for the curse is thematically resonant, tying into her earlier expressed fears of irrelevance and being forgotten, as discussed in Scene 4. This integration makes the horror personal and psychological, enhancing the overall narrative depth. Visually, the scene is cinematic and vivid, with strong imagery like the mirror fogging, the handprints bulging, and the rapid aging of the reflection, which could translate well to screen and build a palpable sense of dread. However, the pacing feels rushed in parts, with a rapid succession of horrifying events that might overwhelm the audience without enough breathing room to let the tension simmer, potentially diminishing the impact of individual scares.
  • Character-wise, Chelsea's portrayal here is consistent with her established arc as fearful and denial-prone, but she comes across as overly passive, reacting to events rather than driving them. This lack of agency can make her demise feel inevitable and less emotionally engaging, as there's little opportunity for her to fight back or show growth. The dialogue, particularly the reflection's line 'What happens when they stop looking at you, Chelsea?', feels somewhat expository and on-the-nose, directly stating themes that could be conveyed more subtly through action or subtext. Additionally, the voice-over for the reflection (described as deep and masculine) works to build unease, but it might benefit from clearer attribution to the game's entity (e.g., Gary or the demon Asmodeus) to maintain consistency with the story's mythology established in earlier scenes, such as the rules read in Scene 6.
  • In terms of technical screenwriting elements, the scene's descriptions are detailed and evocative, effectively using sensory details like the bluish lantern glow, fogging breath, and the sound of the door snapping shut to immerse the viewer. However, some descriptions could be more concise to adhere to standard screenplay formatting, which prioritizes brevity for readability. For instance, phrases like 'her skin withers instantly' are strong but might be streamlined to focus on key actions. The scene's ending, with the lantern dying and silence falling, provides a strong contrast and a chilling cliffhanger, but it could be more impactful if it tied back to the group's dynamics downstairs, perhaps through a subtle sound cue or foreshadowing of the characters' reactions in the next scene. Overall, while the scene successfully delivers shock and horror, it could deepen emotional investment by balancing spectacle with character-driven moments.
  • From a structural perspective, this scene serves as a direct consequence of Chelsea's rule-breaking in Scene 6, reinforcing the game's curse mechanics and building on the suspenseful tone established earlier. It effectively uses isolation to amplify fear, a common horror trope, but it might miss an opportunity to explore Chelsea's internal conflict more thoroughly, such as her denial from the previous scene, to make her fate feel more tragic. The visual and auditory elements, like the dripping water turning red and the mirror's bulging, are creepy and original, but they could be grounded in the story's lore (e.g., referencing the 'HAIR BINDS. BLOOD RELEASES' inscription from Scene 2) to strengthen thematic cohesion. Lastly, the scene's length and intensity could be adjusted to fit the film's pacing, ensuring it doesn't overshadow subsequent events or feel repetitive in a horror sequence that involves multiple similar scares.
Suggestions
  • To enhance pacing, incorporate brief pauses or moments of false security, such as Chelsea hesitating after the initial wink, allowing the audience to anticipate the next horror element and building tension more gradually without rushing the sequence.
  • Develop Chelsea's character agency by adding a small act of resistance, like her attempting to smash the mirror or reciting a protective phrase from the game rules, to make her struggle more active and emotionally resonant, increasing audience investment in her fate.
  • Refine the dialogue to be less direct; for example, rephrase the reflection's taunt to something more ambiguous or symbolic, drawing from Chelsea's personal history (e.g., referencing her earlier selfie obsession) to make it feel more organic and less expository.
  • Strengthen ties to the overall mythology by explicitly connecting the mirror event to the demon Asmodeus or the 'Dream Boy' game's rules, perhaps through a subtle visual callback like a sigil appearing in the condensation, to maintain consistency and deepen the horror's logic.
  • Consider adding auditory elements, such as a distorted echo of the game's phone ring or whispers from the void, to heighten immersion and use sound design to foreshadow future events, making the scene more multi-sensory and impactful.



Scene 10 -  The Dark Bargain
INT. ATTIC – NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
GASLIGHT flickers.
Velvet wallpaper breathes against the slanted ceiling. Four
women sit around a mahogany table—faces pale, expectant.
At the head --
SUE (20) -- radiant in black silk and pearls, her beauty
sharp enough to draw blood.
On the table --
A black rotary phone.
A spirit board etched with jagged sigils.
A hair doll, matted and twitching.
Sue unwraps it like a relic. Places it beside the phone.
SUE
! ! Tonight... we call our boys home.
Hands clasp. The air tightens.

EDITH (20s) lifts the receiver. It HUMS — wet, hungry.
The planchette trembles —
H-E-L-L-O
Edith sobs.
EDITH
Joseph... it’s really him—
The hum sinks into a guttural snarl.
The planchette jerks --
N-O-T! J-O-S-E-P-H
SLAM.
The trapdoor seals.
Gaslights FLARE.
Shadows crawl from the walls.
EDITH
! ! Sue -- it’s not him!
SUE
! ! Hold the line. Do. Not. Break.
RING.
The rotary phone SHRIEKS — mechanical, unnatural.
Edith answers.
EDITH
! (whispers)
! ! No... you can’t --
SNAP.
Her neck twists. Rigid.
Eyes wide. Mouth frozen mid-scream.
The circle breaks.
Photographs of young soldiers IGNITE.
The planchette launches like a dagger -- embeds in plaster.

SHADOWS POUR from the walls -- shrieking, grinning —
Two women are DRAGGED into the dark.
Only Sue remains.
Still. Composed.
The shadows curl around her like a shawl.
She lifts the receiver. Listens.
SUE
! ! Then we have a bargain.
The phone glows red-hot. Its dial spins backward.
A LAUGH -- slick and inhuman -- echoes through the earpiece.
Sue’s pearls snap, clattering like teeth.
Blood beads at her lip --
She smiles.
Behind her --
A shadow bleeds across the wall.
A hulking form with three heads -- MAN, BULL, RAM.
Shoulders jagged. Wings broken. Eyes burning.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Mystery"]

Summary In a chilling flashback, four women, including Sue and Edith, conduct a seance in a dimly lit attic to contact their deceased loved ones, likely soldiers. As they attempt to summon spirits using a hair doll and a spirit board, panic ensues when the entity reveals itself as malevolent. Edith is killed in a horrifying twist, while Sue remains unfazed, ultimately making a sinister bargain with the entity as a three-headed shadow looms behind her.
Strengths
  • Effective use of supernatural elements
  • Detailed descriptions creating a chilling atmosphere
  • Intriguing flashback sequence adding depth to the story
  • Strong dialogue enhancing the eerie tone
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene
  • Potential for overwhelming complexity with multiple supernatural elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively creates a chilling and suspenseful atmosphere through its detailed descriptions, eerie tone, and supernatural elements. The flashback adds depth and mystery to the story, enhancing the overall intrigue and tension.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of blending supernatural elements, occult rituals, and mysterious past events is intriguing and well-developed. The scene effectively explores themes of the paranormal, consequences of past actions, and the presence of dark forces.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricately woven with elements of mystery, horror, and supernatural occurrences. The scene advances the overarching story by revealing crucial information about past events and setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the seance trope by blending elements of horror, mystery, and the supernatural. The authenticity of the characters' reactions and the unexpected twists add to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.8

The characters are well-defined and their reactions to the supernatural events add depth to the scene. Each character's response to the escalating tension contributes to the overall atmosphere of fear and suspense.

Character Changes: 9

While there are subtle character changes, such as increased fear and tension, the focus is more on the external events and supernatural occurrences rather than significant character development.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to communicate with the spirits of their loved ones. This reflects their deeper need for closure, connection, and possibly a desire for reassurance or resolution regarding the departed.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully conduct the seance and make contact with the spirit of a specific person, Joseph. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of navigating the supernatural realm and dealing with unexpected outcomes.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.3

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including supernatural threats, past rituals gone wrong, and the characters' struggle against dark forces. The escalating tension and sense of impending danger heighten the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with unexpected outcomes, supernatural forces, and a sense of danger that creates suspense and uncertainty for the characters and the audience.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing supernatural threats, dark forces, and the consequences of past rituals. The sense of danger and impending doom raises the stakes and intensifies the suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the story by revealing crucial information about past events, introducing supernatural elements, and setting the stage for future developments. It deepens the mystery and intrigue of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden twists, the supernatural elements, and the characters' reactions that defy expectations, keeping the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the boundaries between the living and the dead, the consequences of meddling with the spirit world, and the price one might pay for seeking answers beyond the natural realm. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about life, death, and the afterlife.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.1

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, instilling fear, anxiety, and suspense. The eerie atmosphere, chilling visuals, and supernatural elements create a sense of dread and anticipation.

Dialogue: 9.2

The dialogue is impactful, enhancing the eerie and foreboding tone of the scene. The exchanges between characters during the occult ritual flashback and the present-day interactions effectively convey fear, tension, and mystery.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense atmosphere, the high stakes involved in the seance, and the unexpected turn of events that keep the audience on edge.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment with a rhythmic flow that enhances the emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a supernatural thriller genre, enhancing the visual and emotional impact of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The flashback scene effectively establishes the historical roots of the supernatural curse, providing crucial backstory that connects to the present-day narrative involving the 'Dream Boy' game and the entity Asmodeus. However, its placement in scene 10 might disrupt the pacing of the main story, as it interrupts the immediate tension building from Chelsea's disappearance in scene 9. This could alienate viewers who are deeply invested in the current characters' peril, making the shift feel abrupt and potentially diluting the urgency of the ongoing events. To help the writer improve, consider ensuring that flashbacks are tightly integrated with emotional triggers from the present, such as Riley's hallucinations or the hair doll motifs, to make the transition smoother and more purposeful.
  • Character development in this scene is uneven; Sue is portrayed as a strong, composed figure who negotiates with the entity, which foreshadows her role in the main story, but Edith and the two unnamed women are underdeveloped and serve primarily as victims. This lack of depth makes their demises feel generic and less impactful, reducing the emotional weight of the scene. For a reader to understand, this scene introduces key themes of bargaining with dark forces and the consequences of breaking rituals, but it could benefit from more nuanced interactions or subtle hints about the characters' backstories (e.g., why they are calling their 'boys' home) to make the horror more personal and resonant, helping the writer create stronger character arcs that echo throughout the script.
  • The dialogue is sparse but dramatic, with lines like 'Tonight... we call our boys home' and 'Hold the line. Do. Not. Break.' effectively building tension and exposition. However, it can come across as overly theatrical and expository, which might feel unnatural in a realistic context and could pull viewers out of the immersion. This approach helps convey the ritualistic nature of the seance but risks being clichéd; suggesting refinements could involve making the dialogue more subtle or integrated with actions, allowing the horror to emerge from visual and auditory elements rather than direct statements, which would enhance authenticity and deepen the scene's dread for both the writer and audience.
  • Visually, the scene is rich with atmospheric details—flickering gaslight, crawling shadows, and the three-headed shadow—that effectively evoke a sense of gothic horror and tie into the occult themes established earlier in the script. However, the rapid escalation of events (from seance to deaths in quick succession) might overwhelm the audience, making it hard to process the key symbolic elements like the hair doll and spirit board. This density can be confusing for readers or viewers, so critiquing this aspect involves noting that while the visuals are strong, they could be paced better to allow moments for the audience to absorb the horror, ensuring that recurring motifs (e.g., the hair doll) are highlighted to reinforce their significance in the larger narrative.
  • Overall, this scene successfully builds the mythos of the curse and introduces the demon Asmodeus, creating a parallel to Riley's experiences and heightening the stakes. However, as a standalone flashback, it might not fully serve the character-driven focus of the main story, where personal traumas like Riley's stalking by Ethan are central. This could make the scene feel somewhat disconnected, as it prioritizes lore over emotional continuity. To improve, the writer should ensure that the flashback not only explains the supernatural elements but also mirrors the psychological themes of fear and control present in the contemporary scenes, making it more integral to Riley's journey and less of an info-dump, which would enhance coherence and engagement for the audience.
Suggestions
  • To improve the integration of this flashback, add a visual or auditory cue in the preceding scene (e.g., a ringing phone or a shadow) that triggers the flashback, making the transition feel organic and tied to the present action, thus maintaining narrative flow.
  • Enhance character depth by giving Edith or the unnamed women brief, revealing lines or actions that hint at their personal losses or motivations, such as a quick flashback insert of a soldier's photo, to make their fates more emotionally charged and connected to the theme of loss.
  • Refine the dialogue to be less declarative; for instance, replace 'Tonight... we call our boys home' with more subtle, tense exchanges that build suspense through implication, allowing the horror to unfold through performance and visuals rather than explicit statements.
  • Adjust the pacing by breaking up the rapid sequence of events with closer shots or pauses on key elements like the planchette moving or the phone ringing, giving the audience time to anticipate and react, which could heighten tension without overwhelming the scene.
  • Strengthen the connection to the main story by incorporating subtle parallels, such as mirroring Sue's composed demeanor with Riley's in present scenes or emphasizing the hair doll's role more explicitly, to reinforce thematic elements and make the flashback feel essential to Riley's character development.



Scene 11 -  The Distorted Hallway
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY – MOMENTS LATER – NIGHT
Riley and Lilly race down the hallway, lanterns swinging,
breathless with panic.
Beams play across rows of closed doors --
LILLY
Chelsea?!
Each one feels like an eye -- shut but watching.
One door sits slightly ajar --
The bathroom.
Riley hesitates, then nudges it open --
Inside --

Sparkling clean. Porcelain gleaming.
Riley closes the door --
The latch CLICKS unnaturally loud.
The hallway leans inward. Narrows. Presses.
Then --
The hallway snaps back to normal.
They go deeper down the hall -- stop.
The door in front of them --
Bigger. Older.
A seam of light bleeds underneath --
With it -- a chill that smells of rotting roses.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense and eerie scene, Riley and Lilly race down a dimly lit upstairs hallway, frantically calling for Chelsea. As they pass closed doors that seem to watch them, Riley hesitates at a sparkling clean bathroom before closing the door with a loud click, causing the hallway to distort momentarily. They continue deeper into the hallway, stopping at a larger, older door with light seeping underneath and a chilling scent of rotting roses, amplifying their sense of dread.
Strengths
  • Effective atmosphere building
  • Tension-filled pacing
  • Strong sensory descriptions
Weaknesses
  • Limited character interaction
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene excels in setting a tense and eerie tone, effectively utilizing sensory descriptions to evoke fear and anxiety. The pacing and structure contribute to a strong sense of suspense, making it a standout moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a haunted hallway with a chilling atmosphere is executed excellently in this scene. It plays on classic horror elements while adding unique sensory details to heighten the fear and suspense.

Plot: 9

The plot is advanced effectively through the exploration of the hallway, adding layers of mystery and danger to the narrative. The scene contributes to the overall tension and sets the stage for further developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a familiar setting by infusing it with supernatural elements and a sense of impending danger. The characters' reactions and the mysterious atmosphere feel authentic and engaging, adding to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' fear and panic are palpable in this scene, adding depth to their personalities and highlighting their vulnerabilities in the face of supernatural threats. The dynamic between Riley and Lilly is particularly well-portrayed.

Character Changes: 9

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' reactions and behaviors under duress reveal aspects of their personalities and vulnerabilities. The experience in the haunted hallway may lead to further character development in subsequent scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to confront their fears and anxieties, as indicated by their hesitant actions and the palpable sense of panic. This reflects Riley's deeper need for courage and resolution in the face of uncertainty.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find Chelsea, as shown by Lilly calling out for her. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of locating a missing person in a tense and mysterious environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, driven by the characters' fear and the unknown dangers lurking in the hallway. The tension is heightened by the sense of impending danger and the characters' desperate search for Chelsea.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing unknown dangers and uncertainties in their search for Chelsea. The audience is kept in suspense, unsure of what obstacles or revelations lie ahead.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene as the characters search for Chelsea in a haunted hallway filled with ominous signs and supernatural threats. The sense of danger and urgency raises the stakes and keeps the audience engaged.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by escalating the tension and introducing new elements of danger and mystery. The exploration of the hallway adds depth to the narrative and sets the stage for further revelations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting nature of the hallway, the unexpected latch sound, and the chilling smell that adds layers of mystery and suspense. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of fear versus bravery, safety versus danger. The characters' actions and the eerie setting challenge their beliefs about control and the unknown.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.2

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear and anxiety in both the characters and the audience. The palpable sense of dread and urgency creates a strong emotional connection, drawing the audience into the characters' harrowing experience.

Dialogue: 8.5

While minimal dialogue is present in this scene, the interactions between Riley and Lilly effectively convey their fear and urgency. The dialogue enhances the atmosphere and contributes to the overall tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, mysterious setting, and the characters' palpable sense of urgency and fear. The audience is drawn into the unfolding mystery and tension.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted to build suspense and maintain a sense of urgency. The rhythm of the characters' movements and the unfolding events contribute to the scene's effectiveness in creating tension.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a suspenseful scene, utilizing visual cues and descriptive language to create a vivid and immersive experience for the reader.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced structure that builds tension effectively, leading the characters and audience through a series of escalating moments. The formatting enhances the eerie atmosphere and suspenseful tone.


Critique
  • The scene effectively maintains the suspenseful and eerie tone established throughout the script, using sensory details like the swinging lanterns, the feeling of being watched by closed doors, and the unnatural click of the latch to build tension. This helps immerse the reader in the characters' panic and the supernatural dread, making it a strong continuation of the horror elements from previous scenes.
  • However, there appears to be a potential plot inconsistency with Chelsea's fate. In scene 9, Chelsea is consumed by the mirror in the bathroom, yet in this scene (scene 11), Riley and Lilly are actively searching for her and calling her name. This could confuse readers or viewers if the timeline isn't clear, as it might imply that Chelsea's disappearance hasn't occurred yet or that the search is happening concurrently. Clarifying the sequence of events or adding a brief indication of time passage could resolve this and strengthen the narrative flow.
  • The supernatural distortion of the hallway—leaning inward and narrowing before snapping back—is a vivid and creative visual effect that heightens the horror, but it feels somewhat abrupt and underexplained. Without stronger foreshadowing or connection to the established mythology (such as the demon Asmodeus or the 'Dream Boy' game rules), it might come across as a random event rather than an integral part of the building terror. This could be an opportunity to tie it more explicitly to the occult themes introduced earlier, making the scene feel more cohesive with the overall story.
  • Character emotions are conveyed through actions and minimal dialogue, which is appropriate for a high-tension moment, but there's limited depth in how Riley and Lilly react individually. For instance, Riley's hesitation at the bathroom door could be expanded to show her internal conflict or flashbacks to her own traumas (like the Ethan stalking incident), adding layers to her character and making the scene more engaging for the audience. Similarly, Lilly's panic could be explored to reveal more about her backstory, enhancing empathy and investment.
  • The scene ends on a strong note with the older door and the chilling atmosphere (smell of rotting roses), effectively setting up the next part of the story. However, this buildup could be more impactful if it incorporated subtle callbacks to earlier elements, such as the floral scent from scene 3 or the sigils from the 'Dream Boy' game, to reinforce the script's thematic consistency and remind viewers of the escalating supernatural threat.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the timeline by adding a transitional line or slug in the screenplay indicating how much time has passed since Chelsea's disappearance, or adjust the sequence to ensure logical progression, such as having Riley and Lilly react immediately after hearing Chelsea's screams from scene 9.
  • Enhance character development by including brief internal thoughts or subtle physical reactions in the action lines, such as Riley whispering a mantra from her past to steady herself or Lilly referencing her fear from earlier discussions, to make their panic more personal and relatable.
  • Strengthen the connection to the story's mythology by explicitly linking the hallway distortion to elements like the demon's influence or the game rules—perhaps by having Riley notice a sigil-like pattern in the distortion or associating the smell of rotting roses with Sue's ritual from the flashback in scene 10.
  • Add more sensory details to immerse the audience further, such as describing the temperature drop, the sound of their racing heartbeats, or the way the lantern light casts monstrous shadows, to heighten the horror without extending the scene's length.
  • Consider pacing adjustments; if the scene feels too rushed, insert a momentary pause for Riley and Lilly to exchange a quick, fearful glance or share a line of dialogue that reveals their growing desperation, building anticipation before they approach the older door.



Scene 12 -  The Haunting of the Dream Boy Box
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Brooke sits curled in the corner of the couch, knees to her
chest, staring at the pink Dream Boy box on the coffee table.
The house creaks above her.
BROOKE
(to herself)
Okay. Okay, Brooke. You’re alone
but... alive. That’s something.
She forces a shaky exhale and crawls toward the coffee table.
The box’s neon letters glint in the dim light, cheerful in a
way that feels threatening.
Brooke reaches out… hesitates… then flips the box over.
On the underside --
A SIGIL.
Deeply carved.
Twisted lines looping around a central eye shape.
THE SAME SIGIL FROM RILEY’S TEXTBOOK.
Brooke’s breath catches.

BROOKE (CONT’D)
No... no. Nope. Nope.
She drops the box. It lands with a dull THUD, sigil facing
the ceiling like a staring pupil.
Brooke staggers back, trembling. Her gaze darts to the
fireplace.
BROOKE (CONT’D)
(whispers)
Burn it. Just... burn the damn
thing.
She snatches the box with both hands — holding it out like a
dead animal — and stumbles to the fireplace.
The flames dance low, sputtering.
BROOKE (CONT’D)
You don’t get to call me again.
She tosses the Dream Boy box into the flames.
The cardboard and wood catch instantly — crackling, curling,
blackening. A puff of pink vapor escapes like a dying breath.
Brooke steps back, watching the box warp and collapse into
embers.
BROOKE (CONT’D)
(whispering)
Yes.. yes. Burn. Burn, you creepy --
A SHARP POP.
The fire flickers.
The flames shrink.
A cold draft whispers across the room.
Brooke’s smile fades.
She turns slowly…
The coffee table is no longer empty.
The Dream Boy box sits there.
Perfectly intact.
Exactly where she left it.

BROOKE (CONT’D)
(voice cracking)
What...?
She spins toward the fireplace.
In the flames -- the charred remains she watched burn --
Gone.
Only undisturbed firewood crackles softly.
Brooke screams, backing away until her shoulders hit the
wall.
The box lid lifts a fraction on its own — just enough for a
sliver of darkness to stare back at her.
A faint HUM builds inside it. Like a held breath.
Brooke shakes her head violently.
BROOKE (CONT’D)
No. No-no-no-no --
The HUM deepens.
Brooke’s knees buckle.
The house creaks above her in reply.
UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - SAME
Riley turns the knob -- it's locked.
RILEY
Shit.
LILLY
What are you doing? Maintenance
doesn't even go in there.
Brooke looks at Lilly -- her brow furrows.
RILEY
Exactly. I think she's hiding
something.
Riley steels herself -- unsheathes her knife from her calf.
She slides the metal into the lock.
SCRAPE... SCRAPE...

The blade rasps against metal.
LILLY
You sure about this?
The wallpaper twitches with each push.
Finally --
CLICK.
The echo shudders down the hall like a gunshot.
INT. SUE'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Riley pushes the door open -- a flashlight beam cuts through
the gloom.
Lilly shuffles in behind her.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Psychological"]

Summary In this suspenseful night scene, Brooke confronts the supernatural as she attempts to destroy the ominous Dream Boy box, only to find it mysteriously reappear after being burned. Her fear escalates when the box begins to move on its own, prompting a terrified retreat. Meanwhile, upstairs, Riley and Lilly investigate a locked door, with Riley determinedly picking the lock despite Lilly's hesitations. The scene culminates as they enter the dark and foreboding Sue's room, setting the stage for further exploration.
Strengths
  • Effective use of suspense and tension-building techniques
  • Intriguing introduction of supernatural elements
  • Compelling character reactions and development
Weaknesses
  • Possible need for further character exploration and backstory
  • Clarity on the origins and nature of the supernatural forces

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is highly effective in building tension, creating a sense of dread, and introducing supernatural elements. The pacing, atmosphere, and character reactions contribute to a gripping and unsettling experience for the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of a cursed object, a hidden room, and supernatural forces at play is intriguing and well-developed. The scene effectively conveys the idea of unseen malevolent forces and the characters' desperate attempts to confront them.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is engaging, with the discovery of the sigil connecting back to earlier events and setting up further mysteries. The failed attempt to destroy the box adds a layer of complexity and raises the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on supernatural elements by blending them with everyday settings, creating an authentic and gripping portrayal of fear and mystery.


Character Development

Characters: 8.8

The characters' reactions to the supernatural events are realistic and heighten the tension. Brooke's fear and desperation, Riley's determination to uncover the truth, and Lilly's increasing panic all contribute to the scene's emotional impact.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo subtle changes in their beliefs and actions as they confront the supernatural forces, deepening their fears and motivations. Brooke's descent into terror and Riley's determination to uncover the truth showcase meaningful character development.

Internal Goal: 9

Brooke's internal goal in this scene is to confront her fears and assert control over the supernatural forces she's encountering. This reflects her deeper need for safety and autonomy in the face of the unknown.

External Goal: 8

Brooke's external goal is to get rid of the Dream Boy box and the sigil, to rid herself of the supernatural threat they represent. This goal reflects the immediate challenge she's facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.3

The conflict in the scene is intense, with the characters facing external supernatural threats as well as internal struggles with fear and desperation. The stakes are high, and the sense of danger is ever-present.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene, represented by the supernatural forces and the protagonist's internal struggle, creates a strong sense of conflict and uncertainty, adding depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are exceptionally high, with the characters facing supernatural threats, potential consequences of cursed objects, and the looming presence of malevolent forces. The risk of failure or succumbing to dark forces adds urgency and tension to the narrative.

Story Forward: 10

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing key supernatural elements, raising the stakes for the characters, and setting up further mysteries to be explored. The narrative tension is heightened, and the audience is left eager to uncover more.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden twists and supernatural occurrences that challenge the protagonist's expectations and the audience's anticipation.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between the rational world Brooke knows and the supernatural forces she's encountering. This challenges Brooke's beliefs in a logical explanation for everything.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, anxiety, and shock in the audience. The characters' reactions and the escalating sense of dread create a visceral and immersive experience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and motivations. The sparse but impactful lines enhance the atmosphere and drive the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense atmosphere, mysterious elements, and the protagonist's escalating fear, keeping the audience on edge.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of events that keeps the audience engaged and on edge.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a screenplay, effectively conveying the visual and auditory elements of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense, fitting the expected format for a supernatural thriller genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension in the Brooke segment by isolating her and escalating the supernatural elements, such as the sigil reveal and the box's inexplicable reappearance, which ties into the script's overarching theme of cursed objects and inevitability. This creates a strong sense of dread and helplessness, making the reader feel Brooke's panic, but the repetitive use of phrases like 'no, no, nope' can come across as overly simplistic and may undermine the character's depth, potentially making her reaction feel less nuanced and more caricature-like in a horror context.
  • The intercut to Riley and Lilly upstairs feels abrupt and underdeveloped compared to Brooke's part, which dominates the scene. While the cut serves to show parallel action and maintain the script's multi-threaded narrative, it lacks sufficient buildup or emotional weight in this instance, as Riley's lock-picking and entry into Sue's room are resolved too quickly. This imbalance could disrupt the pacing, making the scene feel disjointed and less cohesive, especially since the Riley segment directly continues from the previous scene without much new information or character insight.
  • Visually, the scene is rich with atmospheric details, such as the sigil's description mirroring Riley's textbook, which reinforces the script's motifs of occult symbolism and interconnected horrors. However, the transition between the living room and the upstairs hallway could confuse readers or viewers if not handled carefully in editing, as the shift happens mid-scene without a clear temporal or spatial cue, potentially diluting the tension built in Brooke's moment. Additionally, the dialogue in the Riley-Lilly exchange is sparse and functional but doesn't advance character relationships or reveal new layers, missing an opportunity to deepen the audience's understanding of their dynamic amid the chaos.
  • The scene's structure highlights the theme of isolation and pursuit, with Brooke's solitary confrontation contrasting with Riley and Lilly's teamwork, but it doesn't fully capitalize on this by exploring how these parallel events mirror or influence each other. For instance, the house creaks linking the two locations are a nice auditory bridge, but they could be more integrated to heighten the sense of a living, malevolent entity, making the horror more immersive. Overall, while the scene advances the plot by escalating supernatural threats and moving characters closer to key revelations, it occasionally prioritizes shock over character-driven suspense, which might make the horror feel more generic in spots.
Suggestions
  • Refine Brooke's dialogue to be more varied and introspective, such as incorporating specific fears or memories related to the game's rules, to make her character more relatable and less repetitive, enhancing emotional engagement without extending screen time.
  • Smooth the intercut between Brooke and Riley by adding a subtle sound or visual transition, like echoing creaks or a shared sound effect, to clarify that the actions are simultaneous and maintain narrative flow, ensuring the audience doesn't lose track of the story's threads.
  • Expand the Riley and Lilly segment slightly to include a brief exchange that reveals more about their motivations or relationship, such as Lilly questioning Riley's obsession with Sue, to add depth and make the cut feel less abrupt while building character arcs within the scene.
  • Strengthen thematic ties by having Brooke's discovery of the sigil trigger a subtle callback to earlier scenes, perhaps through a visual flashback or a line of dialogue, to reinforce the script's continuity and make the horror elements feel more interconnected and inevitable.
  • Consider adjusting the pacing by shortening Brooke's repetitive denials and using that space to heighten the Riley-Lilly action, or vice versa, to create a more balanced scene that sustains tension throughout without favoring one character over the others.



Scene 13 -  The Punchline
INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME
Brooke takes a hesitant step forward --
CLICK.
The TV behind her turns on by itself.
Static.
Brooke stiffens. Turns slowly.
The static shifts into grainy video...
Slowly, an image bleeds through --
A COMEDY CLUB.
Red velvet curtains. Smoke haze. A single mic glows in a
white-hot spotlight.
Onstage -- DEAN.
He's perfect -- teeth gleaming like knives.
DEAN (ON TV)
Ladies and gentlemen... your
headliner tonight -- Brooke Jacobs!
A CANNED LAUGH TRACK detonates. Tinny, metallic, wrong.
The laughter doesn’t come from the TV --

It rattles from the walls.
Brooke flinches -- clutches her stomach.
BROOKE
No. This isn’t real.
The LAUGHTER swells, pounding in her skull.
She clamps her hands over her ears -- but it’s inside her.
DEAN (ON TV)
Come on, Brooke. Give us a joke,
darling.
The mic squeals with feedback.
Brooke opens her mouth --
Nothing. Her throat clenches shut.
DEAN (ON TV) (CONT’D)
Oh, Brooke, you’re bombing already.
The laugh track ERUPTS again. Violent. Jagged.
Brooke jerks -- an involuntary laugh rips from her throat
like a muscle spasm.
Then another.
She doubles over, laughter pouring from her in convulsions.
BROOKE
Stop -- this isn't funny --
Her face spasms.
Her lips split at the corners --
Blood dribbles down her chin.
The living room walls DISSOLVE --
The furniture melts away --
Replaced by rows of SHADOW-FACED MEN -- pounding tables.
LAUGHTER shakes the air, vibrating her ribs.
DEAN (ON TV)
That’s it. Let it out.

Brooke stumbles back, tears streaking through her smeared
makeup.
The shadows in the crowd lean forward -- their mouths stretch
wider than humanly possible.
Their laughter changes pitch -- morphs into SCREAMS disguised
as guffaws.
Brooke’s body lurches with each laugh.
Her jaw twitches like a puppet on strings.
CRACK.
Her jaw SNAPS -- slightly wider.
BROOKE
Please, stop -- please --
SHADOW AUDIENCE (V.O.)
(chanting in rhythm)
Brooke! Brooke! Brooke!
Dean steps closer to the TV screen.
His smile glimmers unnaturally wide.
DEAN (ON TV)
I’ve got a joke, Brooke. Wanna hear
it?
The audience ROARS.
Dean presses his palm against the screen --
The glass RIPPLES like liquid.
Then --
Dean’s face PEELS THROUGH... static clinging to him.
His arms reach through --
Then the rest of him.
He stands up. Tall. Radiant. Monstrous.
Brooke collapses to her knees, trembling.
BROOKE
No. No, please...
Dean crouches, cups her chin with mock tenderness.

His thumb smears blood across her cheek like lipstick.
DEAN
What do you call a girl who hides
behind jokes?
The laugh track multiplies, filling every inch of space --
High-pitched. Low-pitched. Distorted.
Laughter drips from the ceiling -- seeps up from the
floorboards.
Brooke convulses.
Her jaw cracks wider -- spraying more blood.
Her tongue lolls -- twitches.
Dean leans close, breath steaming.
DEAN (CONT’D)
The punchline.
The living room BLINKS --
Suddenly, Brooke is ON STAGE.
Spotlight blisters her skin.
The faceless audience leans forward in silence.
Their mouths gape, expectant. Hundreds of them.
Brooke stares into the void of faces, sobbing.
BROOKE
Please. I’m not funny. I’m just
afraid of being alone --
The audience ERUPTS into laughter.
Her jaw cracks wider.
UNHINGES.
Blood sprays across the mic.
Her laugh is now a howl.
The microphone sprouts wires -- coils around her arms like
snakes -- yanks her upright.
The stand fuses into her skin, anchoring her in place.

Her lips tear into a permanent smile.
Blood sheets down her throat.
Her chest trembles like a speaker.
Dean wraps his arm around her shoulders -- eyes burning
yellow. Teeth long. Animal.
DEAN
Ladies and gentlemen. Give her a
hand!
The faceless audience rises, clapping.
A strange, wet sizzle cuts through the laughter.
Dean turns toward the audience, but his face is… melting.
First, his cheek drips like hot wax.
Then his jawline sloughs off in a long, glistening strip.
His teeth chatter loose, clattering to the stage like spilled
dice.
Beneath the collapsing mask—
A monstrous skull pushes forward, splitting the handsome
features open like a shell.
The skin puddles at his feet.
What remains rises --
TALLER.
BROADER.
BURNING.
A DEMON with obsidian skin, ribbed horns curling like charred
roots from its forehead, eyes glowing sulfur-yellow.
The faceless audience shrieks with glee.
The demon throws its head back and laughs -- a booming,
gnarled sound that rattles the stage, warping the walls of
the living room back into place.
Brooke’s body goes limp, dangling from the mic -- her jaw
grotesquely split into a rictus grin.
The shadows howl in a standing ovation.

BACK TO LIVING ROOM
The TV flickers with static.
The pink phone hums louder, pulsing with hunger.
On the rug --
Brooke lies slumped, lifeless.
Lips torn.
Frozen in a monstrous grin.
CANNED LAUGHTER plays faintly from the now-dead TV.
The floorboards beneath Brooke flex.
They soften, warping around her form like heated wax.
CREAK. POP.
The boards split -- dark and wet underneath.
Brooke's torso tilts, slides.
Her face -- the last thing visible -- is pulled downward,
swallowed by contracting wood.
The house exhales. The room falls still.
Then --
Silence.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Psychological"]

Summary In a nightmarish scene, Brooke is drawn into a surreal comedy club where Dean, now a monstrous figure, forces her to perform amid overwhelming laughter. As she struggles against the psychological torment, her body grotesquely transforms, culminating in her physical and mental defeat. The scene ends with Brooke lying lifeless, consumed by the warping floorboards, as the room falls silent, haunted by faint laughter.
Strengths
  • Masterful blending of psychological horror and supernatural elements
  • Intense emotional impact on characters and audience
  • High level of conflict and tension
Weaknesses
  • Possible overload of horror elements may desensitize some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is exceptionally well-crafted, effectively building tension, fear, and a sense of impending doom. The execution of horror elements, character reactions, and the supernatural twist are all expertly woven together to create a truly haunting atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of blending psychological horror with supernatural elements is innovative and captivating. The scene delves deep into the characters' fears and vulnerabilities, creating a rich tapestry of terror that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is gripping and well-developed, with a clear progression of events that drive the narrative forward. The introduction of supernatural elements adds depth and complexity to the storyline, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases a high level of originality with its fresh approach to psychological horror, surreal imagery, and the exploration of identity and fear. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' reactions and interactions are authentic and compelling, adding depth to the horror unfolding around them. Each character's unique personality shines through in their responses to the escalating supernatural events.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo significant changes in the face of supernatural horrors, with their fears and vulnerabilities laid bare. The events of the scene challenge their beliefs and convictions, leading to profound shifts in their personalities.

Internal Goal: 9

Brooke's internal goal is to confront her fear of being alone and to overcome her deep-seated insecurities about her comedic abilities. This scene reflects her inner turmoil and the struggle with her self-worth.

External Goal: 8

Brooke's external goal is to resist the pressure to perform and to escape the nightmarish situation she finds herself in. Her immediate challenge is to maintain her sanity and identity amidst the surreal and terrifying events.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.5

The level of conflict in the scene is intense and palpable, with the characters facing both internal and external threats that push them to their limits. The supernatural forces at play create a sense of dread and impending danger that keeps the audience on edge.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, presenting Brooke with overwhelming challenges and psychological manipulation that keep the audience on edge. The uncertainty of how she will navigate the nightmarish scenario adds to the tension.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, with the characters' lives and sanity on the line as they confront supernatural forces beyond their comprehension. The sense of danger and impending doom creates a tense and gripping atmosphere.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward with a series of escalating supernatural events that deepen the mystery and horror surrounding the characters. Each moment builds upon the last, driving the narrative towards a chilling climax.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable due to its surreal and nightmarish elements, the unexpected twists in the narrative, and the psychological depth of the protagonist's journey.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of identity, fear, and the power of perception. Brooke is forced to confront her inner demons and the external forces that seek to manipulate her sense of self.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene delivers a high emotional impact, evoking fear, anxiety, and terror in both the characters and the audience. The deep sense of dread and helplessness permeates every moment, leaving a lasting impression.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and desperation in the face of the supernatural horrors they encounter. The exchanges between characters heighten the tension and add layers of complexity to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional impact, the sense of impending dread, and the unpredictable nature of the events unfolding. The audience is drawn into Brooke's nightmarish experience.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, creating a sense of unease and disorientation that enhances the psychological horror elements. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its overall effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene aligns with the genre expectations of psychological horror, utilizing visual cues and descriptive language to create a sense of unease and disorientation.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic and unsettling resolution. It follows a non-linear format that enhances the surreal and nightmarish atmosphere.


Critique
  • The scene effectively escalates tension through a clever use of the comedy club motif, which ties into Brooke's character arc established earlier in the script. Her fear of being forgotten and irrelevant is exploited here in a personal and horrifying way, making the horror feel targeted and emotionally resonant. This personalization strengthens the overall narrative by connecting individual character backstories to the supernatural elements, helping readers understand how the 'Dream Boy' game adapts to each victim's psyche.
  • The sensory details, such as the canned laughter emanating from the walls and the physical transformations of Brooke's body, create a visceral, immersive experience that heightens the horror. This use of sound and visual distortion is cinematic and well-suited for screen, as it builds dread progressively, allowing the audience to feel Brooke's isolation and helplessness. However, the rapid escalation might overwhelm viewers, potentially reducing the impact if not paced carefully in editing, as there's little room for breaths or moments of reflection that could amplify the fear.
  • Dialogue in the scene, particularly Dean's taunts, serves to reveal character vulnerabilities but can feel somewhat on-the-nose and expository. For instance, lines like 'What do you call a girl who hides behind jokes?' directly reference Brooke's coping mechanisms, which might come across as heavy-handed if not balanced with more subtle insinuations. This could alienate audiences who prefer horror that implies rather than states emotional truths, and it highlights a potential issue with the script's pattern of similar confrontations across characters, risking repetition in the horror beats.
  • Visually, the transformation from living room to comedy club and back is inventive and symbolic, representing Brooke's internal turmoil and the game's manipulative nature. However, the graphic body horror elements, such as Brooke's jaw unhinging and being swallowed by the floor, are intense and effective for shock value, but they might border on gratuitousness if not justified by the story's themes. In the context of the entire script, this scene advances the plot by eliminating another character and raising stakes, but it could benefit from more unique horror elements to differentiate it from Chelsea's bathroom scene, ensuring each death feels distinct and contributes to the escalating curse narrative.
  • The scene's ending, with Brooke being consumed and the house falling silent, provides a strong punctuation of dread and sets up the supernatural progression. It fits well within the script's structure as scene 13, building toward the climax by isolating characters and intensifying the occult threat. However, the lack of interaction with other characters or the environment beyond Brooke's personal horror might make it feel somewhat self-contained, potentially missing opportunities to intercut with Riley and Lilly's storyline for parallel tension, which could enrich the overall pacing and interconnectivity of the narrative.
  • Overall, the scene excels in creating a claustrophobic, psychological horror atmosphere that aligns with the script's themes of fear, visibility, and the occult. It helps readers and viewers understand the game's rules and the entity's sadistic nature, but it could be critiqued for relying heavily on jump scares and physical gore without delving deeper into Brooke's emotional journey, which might make her demise feel more like a plot device than a character-driven moment. This is a common pitfall in horror screenwriting, where character depth can sometimes be sacrificed for spectacle.
Suggestions
  • To improve pacing, incorporate brief pauses or micro-beats where Brooke attempts to regain control, such as trying to turn off the TV or verbally challenging the illusion, allowing the audience to build anticipation and empathy before the horror intensifies.
  • Enhance character depth by adding subtle flashbacks or internal monologue that reference Brooke's earlier dialogue about fearing irrelevance, making her struggle more personal and tying it closer to her arc, which could be achieved through voice-over or quick cuts to her memories.
  • Vary the horror elements to avoid repetition with other scenes; for example, emphasize Brooke's comedic background by incorporating humor-related props or illusions that are unique to her, such as joke books coming to life or audience members mocking her with her own words, to keep the scares fresh and engaging.
  • Refine dialogue to be more implicit and chilling; instead of direct taunts, have Dean use ambiguous phrases that echo Brooke's fears without spelling them out, encouraging audience interpretation and adding layers of subtext to the horror.
  • For visual clarity and feasibility, break up long action descriptions into shorter, more digestible lines, and consider practical effects or cost-effective CGI suggestions in the script notes to ensure the transformations are realizable in production without losing impact.
  • Strengthen narrative integration by adding cross-cuts to Riley and Lilly's simultaneous actions, creating parallel tension and reminding the audience of the larger threat, which could heighten the sense of urgency and interconnect the characters' fates more dynamically.



Scene 14 -  Whispers from the Past
INT. SUE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Dust floats in beam-thin strips of lantern light.
The room is immaculate --
Lace curtains pinned stiff.
A canopy bed with sheets pressed flat.
An antique vanity gleams -- silver brushes are laid out with
surgical precision.
The air is dense. Damp.
The smell of wilted roses chokes the room.
They edge in, breath hitching.

Riley crouches by the nightstand -- slides the drawer open --
Empty.
Suddenly --
THE VANITY MIRROR FOGS OVER.
Condensation at first... then -- shapes.
LILLY
Riley... look.
Riley turns.
In the mirror -- THREE GIRLS.
JANE. CHRISSY. MEGHAN. The missing 1975 sorority girls.
They stand still. In faded sorority sweaters. Makeup perfect.
Hair pinned.
But their skin -- pale and waxy. Eyes rimmed in deep,
shadowed hollows.
A thin film of frost spreads where their breath hits the
glass.
Lilly grabs Riley’s arm, knuckles white.
LILLY (CONT’D)
What do they want?
RILEY
Maybe they’re trying to tell us
something.
Jane lifts her hand -- presses it against the other side of
the glass.
She turns her head -- staring right past Riley, toward
something unseen behind her.
Riley turns -- flashlight swipes across the room.
Something catches her eye --
THE CLOSET.
When she turns back -- the girls are gone.
Riley crosses to the closet, pulls the door open --
Ordinary clothes. Folded scarves. All perfectly arranged...

Then -- something behind them. A faint seam.
Riley reaches. Pushes.
CLICK.
A false panel swings inward to reveal --
A hidden walk-in closet, narrow but full-length.
They step inside.
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Supernatural"]

Summary In Sue's eerily pristine bedroom, Riley and Lilly stumble upon the ghostly apparitions of three missing sorority girls in a fogged mirror. As fear grips Lilly, Riley speculates that the spirits may be trying to communicate. When one ghost gestures towards the closet, Riley investigates and discovers a hidden walk-in closet behind a false panel, leading them deeper into the mystery.
Strengths
  • Eerie atmosphere
  • Ghostly apparitions
  • Mystery elements
  • Character exploration
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue
  • Minimal character interaction

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery through its eerie setting, ghostly apparitions, and hidden secrets. The execution is strong, creating a palpable sense of fear and curiosity. The design is well-crafted, with a focus on atmosphere and character exploration.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of uncovering hidden secrets and encountering supernatural entities in an eerie setting is compelling. The scene effectively introduces elements of horror and mystery, engaging the audience with its supernatural themes.

Plot: 9

The plot is advanced significantly as Riley and Lilly discover the hidden walk-in closet and encounter the ghostly apparitions. The scene adds depth to the narrative by revealing more about the sorority house's mysterious past and setting up further supernatural elements.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the haunted house trope by incorporating the mystery of the missing sorority girls and the hidden walk-in closet. The authenticity of the characters' reactions and the eerie setting add to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Riley and Lilly are developed further as they confront the supernatural occurrences in Sue's bedroom. Their reactions to the ghostly apparitions and hidden secrets add layers to their personalities, showcasing their bravery and curiosity.

Character Changes: 9

The characters, particularly Riley and Lilly, experience a shift in their understanding of the supernatural occurrences and the hidden secrets within the sorority house. Their bravery and curiosity lead to a deeper exploration of the mysteries surrounding them.

Internal Goal: 8

Riley's internal goal is to understand the message or purpose behind the appearance of the ghostly sorority girls. This reflects her curiosity, bravery, and potentially a desire to uncover hidden truths or mysteries.

External Goal: 7.5

Riley's external goal is to investigate the paranormal activity in Sue's bedroom and potentially solve the mystery of the missing sorority girls. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of confronting supernatural occurrences and uncovering the truth behind the haunting.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict in the scene arises from the characters' discovery of the hidden walk-in closet and the ghostly apparitions of the missing sorority girls. The supernatural elements create a sense of danger and mystery, heightening the tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the ghostly apparitions presenting a mysterious and potentially dangerous obstacle for the characters. The audience is left uncertain about the intentions of the supernatural entities.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as Riley and Lilly confront ghostly apparitions and uncover hidden secrets within Sue's bedroom. The supernatural elements and eerie atmosphere raise the stakes, adding tension and mystery to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing new information about the sorority house's past and introducing supernatural elements into the narrative. The discovery of the hidden walk-in closet sets the stage for further developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden appearance and disappearance of the ghostly sorority girls, as well as the discovery of the hidden walk-in closet. The audience is kept on edge by the unexpected paranormal events.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the existence of the supernatural and the unknown. This challenges Riley's beliefs in the rational world and forces her to confront the possibility of forces beyond her understanding.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact due to its eerie atmosphere, ghostly apparitions, and the characters' reactions to the supernatural events. The sense of fear, curiosity, and unease evoked in the audience enhances the emotional depth of the scene.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but effective in conveying the characters' reactions to the supernatural events. The exchanges between Riley and Lilly enhance the tension and mystery, adding to the eerie atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, the introduction of ghostly apparitions, and the mystery surrounding the hidden walk-in closet. The gradual reveal of supernatural elements keeps the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual reveal of the ghostly apparitions and the hidden closet. The rhythm of the scene enhances the eerie atmosphere and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected style for a supernatural mystery scene, with clear descriptions of settings and character actions. The use of visual cues enhances the reader's immersion in the eerie atmosphere.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured progression of events, building tension through the discovery of the ghostly apparitions and the hidden closet. The formatting aligns with the genre expectations of a supernatural mystery.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds a palpable sense of dread through its atmospheric descriptions, such as the dust in lantern light, the immaculate yet stifling room, and the smell of wilted roses, which immerses the reader in the supernatural horror genre and ties into the overall script's theme of occult dread. However, this strength is somewhat undermined by the abrupt reveal and disappearance of the ghostly figures, which feels rushed and could benefit from more gradual buildup to heighten emotional impact and allow the audience to process the horror.
  • Character development is inconsistently handled; Riley's response to the ghosts is pragmatic and investigative, aligning with her established trauma and resourcefulness from earlier scenes, but Lilly's reaction, while fearful, lacks depth, making her feel like a reactive side character rather than a fully fleshed-out individual. This could be an opportunity to deepen their dynamic, especially given Lilly's confession in later scenes about feeling invisible, by showing how this encounter affects her personally.
  • The dialogue is sparse and functional, serving to advance the plot but missing chances for emotional resonance or subtext. For instance, Lilly's line 'What do they want?' is a good hook, but it could be expanded to reveal more about her character or to create a moment of tension between her and Riley, perhaps highlighting their differing approaches to fear—one driven by curiosity, the other by survival instinct.
  • Visually, the mirror fogging and the appearance of the 1975 sorority girls is a strong horror element that connects to the script's lore, reinforcing the cyclical nature of the curse. However, the ghosts' sudden vanishing after Jane looks toward the closet feels like a missed opportunity for escalation; it could explore more supernatural interactions, such as faint whispers or distorted reflections, to make the encounter more memorable and less predictable.
  • Pacing in this scene is tight, which suits the mounting tension of the script, but it transitions too quickly from discovery to exit, potentially sacrificing moments of reflection or consequence that could build suspense. Given that this is Scene 14 out of 31, the rapid progression might overwhelm the audience if not balanced with quieter beats, and it could better integrate with the immediate previous scenes, like Brooke's terror in Scene 13, by echoing similar supernatural motifs to create a cohesive horror rhythm.
  • Overall, the scene advances the plot effectively by leading to the hidden closet and foreshadowing greater revelations, but it relies heavily on visual spectacle without sufficiently exploring the psychological toll on the characters. This could alienate viewers who are invested in emotional arcs, as Riley's backstory with Ethan is hinted at but not directly engaged here, missing a chance to weave personal trauma into the supernatural elements for a more layered narrative.
Suggestions
  • Extend the ghost encounter by adding a few beats where the figures attempt to communicate more actively, such as through muffled sounds or symbolic gestures, to build suspense and give Riley and Lilly time to react, making the scene more engaging and less abrupt.
  • Enhance dialogue with subtext; for example, have Riley reference her past experiences with Ethan when interpreting the ghosts' intentions, to deepen her character and connect the supernatural events to her personal history, fostering greater emotional investment.
  • Incorporate additional sensory details, like the sound of creaking floorboards or a sudden drop in temperature, to heighten the atmosphere and make the horror more immersive, drawing from the script's established elements like the rotting rose smell to create a multi-sensory experience.
  • Slow the pacing slightly by adding a moment of hesitation or internal conflict for Riley before she opens the closet, perhaps showing her weighing the risks, to increase tension and make the discovery feel more earned rather than immediate.
  • Improve character dynamics by giving Lilly a more proactive role, such as suggesting a theory about the ghosts based on her earlier storytelling in Scene 4, which could strengthen their partnership and add layers to the scene's interpersonal elements.
  • Ensure smoother transitions by referencing the hallway distortion from Scene 11 or the house's groans from previous scenes, using sound or visual cues to maintain continuity and remind the audience of the escalating supernatural threat throughout the house.



Scene 15 -  The Closet of Shadows
INT. CLOSET - CONTINUOUS
Flashlights reveal shelves stacked with melted candles, dusty
amulets, and thick leather-bound books.
On the back wall --
POLAROIDS.
Photos of Riley, Lilly, Brooke, and Chelsea.
Arranged in a ceremonial cross. Their names are scrawled
beneath each photo.
Chelsea's photo is circled in red -- a red pentagram drawn
inside the circle.
LILLY
Oh God.
Riley steps in closer -- staring, her breath ragged.
FLASH.
A single Polaroid flutters down from the ceiling -- drifting
like ash -- and lands face-up at Riley’s feet.
The image is crisp, impossibly preserved:
The 1975 girls in matching sorority sweaters, posed inside
this very house.
Their smiles are wide. Too wide.
And on the table behind them sits a familiar black lacquered
box --

DREAM BOY.
A thin, distant LAUGH ripples through the walls -- Sue’s
laugh -- wrong and delighted, blooming from nowhere and
everywhere at once.
The lantern light jitters, flickers.
A stretched SHADOW glides across the far wall, long-fingered,
with no visible source.
Then -- slow, deliberate --
An invisible fingertip presses against the photo wall.
The paper wrinkles inward as an unseen force drags a fresh
red circle around Brooke’s Polaroid.
The ink bleeds as if fed by something underneath the skin of
the wall.
Riley staggers back, breath hitching.
LILLY
(whisper)
Riley...
Riley stumbles back.
LILLY (CONT’D)
Brooke.
A single strand of hair drifts down from the ceiling --
twisting in the air like it’s alive.
RILEY
We have to move. Now.
Canned laughter erupts from the walls.
The Polaroids SHIVER -- as if breathing.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Mystery"]

Summary In a hidden walk-in closet, Riley and Lilly discover unsettling Polaroids of themselves and their friends, with Chelsea's photo ominously marked. As supernatural phenomena escalate, including eerie laughter and a shadowy presence, Riley urges Lilly to flee. The tension mounts as a strand of hair drifts down and the Polaroids begin to shiver, leaving them in a state of heightened dread.
Strengths
  • Eerie atmosphere
  • Innovative use of supernatural elements
  • Escalating tension
  • Mysterious revelations
Weaknesses
  • Possible need for clearer character motivations in certain interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension, fear, and mystery through its well-crafted supernatural elements, eerie setting, and escalating stakes. The use of hidden Polaroids, ghostly figures, and mysterious occurrences creates a chilling atmosphere that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of uncovering hidden secrets through supernatural means, such as ghostly apparitions and mysterious Polaroids, is intriguing and adds depth to the narrative. The scene effectively blends horror, mystery, and supernatural elements to create a compelling story.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is engaging, with the discovery of hidden Polaroids and ghostly apparitions driving the narrative forward. The escalating tension and eerie revelations contribute to the overall suspense and mystery of the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on supernatural horror, blending elements of mystery and suspense with occult imagery and psychological tension. The characters' reactions and the unfolding events feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.8

The characters react realistically to the supernatural events unfolding, conveying fear, tension, and curiosity. Their interactions and responses add depth to the scene and enhance the overall atmosphere.

Character Changes: 9

The characters experience fear, tension, and curiosity as they uncover hidden secrets and face supernatural forces. Their reactions and interactions reflect their evolving emotions and the challenges they encounter.

Internal Goal: 9

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to confront her fears and unravel the mystery surrounding the Polaroids and the supernatural occurrences. This reflects her deeper need for understanding and her desire to protect herself and her friends from the unknown dangers lurking in the house.

External Goal: 8

Riley's external goal is to ensure the safety of herself and her friends by escaping the threatening environment of the closet and the supernatural forces at play. Her goal reflects the immediate challenge of surviving the mysterious and dangerous situation they find themselves in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.2

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including supernatural threats, escalating tension, and the characters' struggle to uncover hidden secrets. The high stakes and eerie atmosphere heighten the conflict, keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing unknown supernatural forces that pose a significant threat to their safety. The audience is kept in suspense about how the characters will overcome these obstacles and survive the escalating dangers.

High Stakes: 10

The scene features high stakes, including supernatural threats, eerie revelations, and the characters' lives being in danger. The escalating tension and mysterious elements raise the stakes, keeping the audience on edge.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by revealing hidden secrets, escalating the supernatural threats, and deepening the mystery. The discoveries made in the scene propel the narrative and set up future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden supernatural occurrences, the mysterious actions of unseen forces, and the characters' reactions to the escalating threats. The audience is kept guessing about the nature of the danger and the characters' fates.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between the characters' rational beliefs and the inexplicable supernatural events they are witnessing. This challenges Riley's worldview and forces her to confront the existence of forces beyond her understanding.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes fear, tension, and suspense, creating a strong emotional impact on the audience. The eerie atmosphere, supernatural elements, and escalating stakes contribute to the overall sense of unease and mystery.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and reactions to the supernatural occurrences. It adds to the suspense and mystery of the scene, enhancing the overall impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its gripping atmosphere, mysterious elements, and the characters' escalating sense of danger. The unfolding events keep the audience on edge and invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of supernatural occurrences and character reactions. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness in conveying the growing sense of dread and urgency.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the conventions of a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues that facilitate visualization and understanding. It maintains the expected format for a supernatural thriller genre.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced structure that builds tension and suspense effectively, leading to a climactic revelation. The formatting aligns with the genre expectations of a supernatural thriller, enhancing the scene's impact.


Critique
  • This scene effectively amplifies the supernatural horror elements established earlier in the script, using vivid visual and auditory cues like the fluttering Polaroid, Sue's echoing laugh, and the shivering photos to create a palpable sense of dread. It successfully ties into the overarching narrative by referencing the 1975 sorority girls and the 'Dream Boy' box, reinforcing the cyclical curse theme and building on Riley's personal trauma with Ethan, which makes the horror feel personal and layered.
  • However, the scene is densely packed with multiple supernatural events occurring in quick succession—such as the flash, the laugh, the shadow, the invisible marking, and the hair strand—which can feel overwhelming and rushed. This rapid escalation might dilute the impact of each individual element, as there's little time for the audience to process or for characters to react deeply, potentially reducing the emotional resonance and making the horror feel more like a checklist of scares rather than a cohesive build-up.
  • Character development is somewhat underdeveloped here; while Riley and Lilly's reactions (e.g., Riley's ragged breathing and Lilly's whispers) convey fear, there's an opportunity to explore their internal states more profoundly. For instance, Riley's history with stalking could be subtly referenced to heighten her vulnerability, making her stagger backward more meaningful, but the scene relies heavily on physical actions without delving into psychological depth, which might leave readers or viewers wanting more insight into how these events affect the characters beyond surface-level terror.
  • The dialogue is minimal and serves primarily to advance the plot and express immediate fear, which is appropriate for a high-tension scene, but it lacks nuance. Lines like Lilly's 'Oh God' and 'Riley... Brooke' are effective for brevity, yet they could be expanded to reveal more about their relationship or individual backstories, such as Lilly's growing realization of the danger tying into her earlier confession of feeling invisible. This would add emotional weight and make the characters more relatable and multidimensional.
  • Visually, the scene is strong with imaginative elements like the ceremonial cross of Polaroids and the bleeding ink, which enhance the occult atmosphere and connect to themes of surveillance and predation seen throughout the script. However, some descriptions, such as the 'invisible fingertip pressing against the photo wall,' might border on being too explicit or tell-rather-than-show, potentially limiting the audience's imagination; refining this to focus on sensory details could make the horror more immersive and less reliant on direct exposition.
Suggestions
  • To improve pacing, insert brief pauses or reaction shots after key events (e.g., after the Polaroid falls or the shadow glides) to allow tension to build and give the audience time to absorb the horror, making each scare more impactful without altering the scene's length significantly.
  • Enhance character depth by adding a subtle reference to Riley's past, such as her whispering 'Not again' under her breath when the hair strand falls, to connect her current fear to her trauma with Ethan, fostering greater emotional investment and continuity with earlier scenes.
  • Avoid trope overload by making one supernatural element unique to this scene, such as having the hair strand exhibit a specific behavior that foreshadows its role in later rituals, ensuring the horror feels fresh and integral to the story rather than generic.
  • Refine dialogue for naturalism and depth; for example, expand Lilly's line to 'Riley... this is just like what happened to them, isn't it?' to tie into the 1975 backstory and show her piecing together the puzzle, which would add layers to their interaction and heighten the stakes.
  • Strengthen visual storytelling by focusing on sensory details—describe the sound of the ink bleeding or the tactile feel of the shivering photos—to engage the audience more fully, and ensure a smoother transition to the next scene by emphasizing Riley's urgent command as a clear call to action that propels the narrative forward.



Scene 16 -  Escape from the Laughter
INT. SUE’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Riley SLAMS the closet panel shut — the sound cracks through
the room like a snapped bone.
She snatches a silver hairbrush from the vanity, hands
trembling.
Then —
A low, breathy GIGGLE seeps out from the dark.

Barely audible. Almost human.
Riley goes rigid.
Beside her, Lilly’s breath stutters — shoulders tightening.
The giggle spreads, multiplying —
laughter blooming through the walls like mold, damp and
hungry.
A soft, wet sound begins to layer beneath it — sticky,
squelching, wrong.
Something shifting where nothing should move.
Riley grabs Lilly’s arm, yanking her close.
RILEY
(whisper)
Go. Now.
They back toward the door as the laughter thickens, filling
the room like rising water.
Riley throws the door open --
The hallway yawns before them --
And they bolt, rushing out as the laughter collapses behind
them.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense scene set in Sue's room, Riley and Lilly are confronted by eerie, supernatural laughter that fills the space with dread. As Riley reacts protectively, grabbing a hairbrush and urging Lilly to flee, the oppressive sounds intensify, creating a claustrophobic atmosphere. They manage to escape the room just as the laughter collapses behind them, marking a moment of relief from the immediate threat.
Strengths
  • Effective use of sensory descriptions
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Creating a chilling atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively conveys a strong sense of terror and suspense, utilizing sound and sensory descriptions to immerse the audience in a chilling and ominous atmosphere. The escalating fear and urgency drive the narrative forward, keeping the audience engaged and on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of supernatural elements, escalating fear, and hidden dangers is effectively portrayed in the scene. The use of auditory cues, ghostly figures, and mysterious laughter enhances the overall concept of terror and suspense.

Plot: 9

The plot progression in the scene is focused on escalating tension and fear, moving the characters closer to a confrontation with the unknown supernatural forces. The scene effectively advances the overarching plot by deepening the mystery and raising the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the supernatural genre by focusing on subtle, eerie sounds and sensations rather than overt scares. The authenticity of the characters' reactions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

While the focus is more on the atmosphere and fear-inducing elements, the characters' reactions and urgency contribute to the scene's impact. Their fear and sense of impending danger add depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' reactions and responses to the escalating fear and supernatural events hint at potential growth and development as they confront their fears and the unknown.

Internal Goal: 9

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to protect herself and Lilly from the unknown threat in the room. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security, as well as her fear of the supernatural or unknown.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape the room and the source of the eerie laughter. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing, which is the mysterious and potentially dangerous presence in the room.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal and psychological, as the characters confront their fears and the supernatural forces surrounding them. The escalating tension and sense of impending danger create a high level of conflict that drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a mysterious and potentially dangerous threat that adds to the suspense and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters confront supernatural forces, face their fears, and navigate a dangerous and unknown situation. The escalating tension and sense of impending danger raise the stakes and create a sense of urgency and peril.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by deepening the mystery, raising the stakes, and setting the stage for a confrontation with the supernatural forces at play. The escalating tension and sense of impending danger propel the narrative toward a climactic resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a mysterious and potentially dangerous element that keeps the audience guessing about the source of the threat.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the characters' belief in the normal, everyday world and the intrusion of something supernatural or otherworldly. This challenges their worldview and forces them to confront the unknown.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, suspense, and dread in the audience. The sensory descriptions, character reactions, and escalating tension create a visceral and immersive experience that resonates emotionally.

Dialogue: 8

Dialogue plays a minimal role in this scene, with the emphasis placed on sensory descriptions and character actions to convey fear and urgency. The sparse dialogue enhances the atmosphere of dread and impending danger.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it keeps the audience on edge with its suspenseful atmosphere and the characters' desperate attempt to escape the unknown threat.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds suspense and urgency, leading to a climactic escape that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene effectively conveys the atmosphere and pacing, using concise descriptions and action lines to create a sense of urgency.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-structured format for a suspenseful moment in a screenplay, effectively building tension and leading to a climactic escape.


Critique
  • The scene effectively maintains the high tension and dread established in the previous scene, using auditory elements like the giggle and squelching sounds to create a claustrophobic, oppressive atmosphere. This reliance on sound over visual spectacle is a smart choice for horror, as it engages the audience's imagination and builds suspense through implication rather than explicit revelation. However, the transition from the closet's supernatural events in Scene 15 to this immediate action feels somewhat abrupt, potentially missing an opportunity to ground the audience in the characters' emotional states or provide a brief moment of reflection that could heighten the contrast between the eerie discovery and the sudden escalation.
  • Riley's character is portrayed as proactive and decisive, which is consistent with her arc as a survivor dealing with trauma, as seen in earlier scenes. Her action of grabbing the silver hairbrush adds a layer of intrigue, possibly linking to the occult themes (e.g., 'hair binds' from Scene 2), but the motivation for this specific choice is not clearly established here. This could confuse readers or viewers who might wonder why she prioritizes the hairbrush in a moment of panic, potentially diluting the scene's intensity if it feels like an unearned or arbitrary detail. Additionally, Lilly's reaction—breath stuttering and shoulders tightening—is a good use of physicality to convey fear without over-reliance on dialogue, but it could be expanded to show more of her internal conflict or growth, making her less of a passive follower and more engaged in the narrative.
  • The description of the laughter spreading 'like mold' and the wet, squelching sound is vividly unsettling and contributes to the theme of the house as a living, malevolent entity. This sensory detail effectively evokes disgust and fear, aligning with the screenplay's horror elements. However, these sounds risk becoming clichéd if not tied more explicitly to the established lore (e.g., the demon Asmodeus or the 'Dream Boy' game), which could make the scene feel more generic. The ending, with the laughter collapsing as they flee, provides a strong auditory cue for release, but it might benefit from a visual or emotional beat to underscore the characters' relief or ongoing dread, ensuring the scene doesn't end too abruptly and leaves a lasting impact.
  • Overall, the scene advances the plot by propelling Riley and Lilly out of Sue's room and into the hallway, escalating the pursuit element and maintaining the screenplay's pace. It successfully builds on the supernatural dread from Scene 15, with the shivering Polaroids and canned laughter carrying over to create continuity. That said, the brevity of the scene (estimated screen time around 30-45 seconds based on context) might make it feel like a transitional moment rather than a fully realized beat, potentially underutilizing the opportunity to deepen character development or explore the psychological toll of the events. For instance, Riley's trauma from Ethan could be subtly referenced to heighten her fear, making the horror more personal and resonant.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the significance of Riley grabbing the silver hairbrush by adding a quick line of internal thought, action description, or subtle dialogue that connects it to the occult elements (e.g., 'Riley snatches the hairbrush, remembering the 'hair binds' inscription from her textbook'), to make the action feel more motivated and integrated into the larger narrative.
  • Enhance Lilly's agency by giving her a small, active response to the supernatural events, such as her whispering a question or taking an initiative to move toward the door, which would make her character more dynamic and strengthen the duo's interaction, avoiding the trope of one character being purely reactive.
  • Vary the sensory descriptions to make the supernatural elements more unique and tied to the story's themes; for example, describe the laughter as echoing phrases from earlier dialogues or incorporating elements of the 'Dream Boy' game, to reinforce the curse's specificity and deepen the audience's immersion in the lore.
  • Extend the scene slightly by adding a beat after they exit, such as a shared glance or a brief moment of heavy breathing in the hallway, to provide emotional punctuation and ensure the transition to the next scene feels seamless, while also allowing the audience to process the escalation of fear.
  • Incorporate a subtle nod to Riley's past trauma (e.g., a fleeting flashback or association with Ethan) during the giggle or squelching sounds to personalize the horror and strengthen thematic connections, making the scene not only terrifying but also character-driven and emotionally impactful.



Scene 17 -  The Pursuit in the Shadows
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
They spill into the hallway -- lantern light jittering wildly
across peeling wallpaper.
Behind them, the laughter CUTS OFF mid-breath.
The silence that follows is worse.
A long wooden GROAN rolls through the house --
The sound of old bones adjusting.
Or something inside the walls shifting to follow them.
Lilly grips Riley’s sleeve.
LILLY
(whispers)
It’s moving with us.

Riley lifts the lantern — its flame sputters, dimming as
though strangled by the air.
Far down the corridor, a soft tap-tap-tap begins.
Slow. Measured. Coming closer.
Riley swallows, backing away, keeping her eyes locked on the
dark.
RILEY
Just keep moving.
Another tap.
Closer now -- almost at the corner.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Thriller"]

Summary In a dimly lit upstairs hallway, Riley and Lilly are engulfed in an eerie silence after laughter fades away. As they navigate the peeling wallpaper, a menacing sound of tapping approaches, heightening their fear. Lilly clings to Riley, whispering about an unseen threat moving with them. Riley, holding a sputtering lantern, urges Lilly to keep moving as the tension escalates with each tap drawing nearer, leaving them in suspense as they face an unknown danger.
Strengths
  • Effective use of sound design to create tension
  • Building a sense of impending danger through visual cues
  • Maintaining a consistent atmosphere of fear and dread
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene
  • Minimal dialogue that may impact character depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene masterfully creates a chilling and suspenseful ambiance, keeping the audience on edge with its well-executed blend of fear-inducing elements.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a supernatural presence moving with the characters in a haunted house is intriguing and well-implemented, adding depth to the horror elements of the scene.

Plot: 9.1

The plot progression in the scene is focused on escalating the supernatural threat and building tension, effectively advancing the overarching narrative of fear and mystery.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar horror setting but adds a fresh twist with the suggestion of a malevolent presence that moves along with the characters. The dialogue feels authentic and contributes to the sense of unease, enhancing the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.8

The characters' reactions and interactions contribute significantly to the scene's atmosphere, with their fear and urgency enhancing the sense of impending danger.

Character Changes: 8

While there is minimal character development in this specific scene, the characters' reactions and responses to the supernatural events hint at their evolving fears and vulnerabilities.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain composure and keep moving despite the growing sense of dread and the eerie occurrences in the hallway. This reflects her need to stay in control and protect herself and Lilly from whatever may be following them.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate through the hallway and reach safety, avoiding whatever is causing the unsettling sounds and sensations. This goal is driven by the immediate threat they are facing within the house.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, driven by the characters' fear and the unseen supernatural threat, heightening the sense of danger and urgency.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing an unknown and potentially dangerous force that keeps them on edge and drives the suspense. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the tension.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene are driven by the characters' fear for their safety in the face of an unknown and malevolent supernatural presence, intensifying the sense of danger and urgency.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by escalating the supernatural threat and deepening the mystery surrounding the haunted house, setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces eerie elements that hint at a supernatural presence, keeping the audience guessing about the nature of the threat the characters are facing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' beliefs about the supernatural or unknown forces at play. Riley's pragmatic 'just keep moving' attitude contrasts with Lilly's whispered fear that 'It's moving with us,' highlighting differing perspectives on how to handle the situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.2

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, instilling fear, dread, and urgency through its atmospheric elements and character reactions.

Dialogue: 8.5

While minimal dialogue is present, the whispered exchanges and urgent commands effectively convey the characters' fear and the escalating tension in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it effectively creates a sense of suspense and mystery, keeping the audience on edge as the characters navigate the eerie hallway and encounter unknown threats.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds suspense and maintains a sense of urgency as the characters react to the unsettling events unfolding around them. The rhythm of the descriptions and dialogue enhances the scene's atmospheric tension.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected style for a suspenseful horror scene, with concise descriptions and dialogue that enhance the eerie atmosphere. The use of spacing and pacing contributes to the scene's tension.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical horror genre structure, building tension through atmospheric descriptions and character reactions. It effectively sets up a sense of impending danger and mystery.


Critique
  • This scene effectively continues the high-tension momentum from the previous scene, where Riley and Lilly escape the oppressive laughter in Sue's room. The abrupt cutoff of the laughter and the ensuing silence create a masterful shift in atmosphere, heightening the audience's anxiety by playing with auditory expectations. However, while the use of sound (the wooden groan and the approaching tap-tap-tap) is a strong horror technique, it risks becoming clichéd if not differentiated from similar suspenseful moments earlier in the script, such as the creaking and ringing sounds in scenes 3 and 4. The dimming lantern adds a visual layer of vulnerability, symbolizing the characters' dwindling control, but it could be more impactful if tied to the story's occult themes, like the 'hair binds' motif, to deepen the supernatural dread rather than serving as a generic tension device.
  • Character dynamics are subtly portrayed, with Lilly's whispered line revealing her growing fear and dependence on Riley, which underscores their evolving relationship amid the horror. Riley's calm instruction to 'just keep moving' reinforces her role as the proactive survivor, drawing from her traumatic backstory with Ethan, as established in scene 2. This moment effectively builds on Riley's character arc, showing her leadership under pressure, but it lacks deeper emotional depth; for instance, there's no reference to the immediate horrors they've just witnessed, which could make the transition feel abrupt and lessen the cumulative impact of the supernatural events. Additionally, Lilly's character, who has shown fear in previous scenes (e.g., scene 14), could benefit from more nuanced reactions to make her terror feel personal and less repetitive across the script.
  • In terms of pacing, this short scene (estimated at 20 seconds based on similar scenes) excels at maintaining relentless suspense, with the tap-tap-tap sound crescendoing to create a sense of imminent danger. It serves as a bridge to further action, escalating the pursuit element that began in earlier scenes, such as the shadow pacing Riley in scene 2. However, as part of a larger sequence (scenes 13-17), it might feel formulaic if the script relies too heavily on similar chase or pursuit motifs without variation, potentially desensitizing the audience. The visual description of the peeling wallpaper and jittering lantern light is vivid and immersive, enhancing the gothic horror aesthetic, but it could be more cinematic by incorporating subtle environmental changes that foreshadow the entity's nature, linking back to the three-headed demon Asmodeus from scene 2 for better thematic cohesion.
  • The scene's minimal dialogue keeps the focus on action and sound, which is appropriate for building tension in a horror context, but it misses an opportunity to add subtext or internal conflict. For example, Riley's line could hint at her psychological state, referencing her breathing exercises from scene 2 or her past trauma to make the fear more relatable and grounded. Overall, while the scene successfully amplifies dread and maintains the script's tone of supernatural horror, it could strengthen its narrative purpose by connecting more explicitly to the overarching curse cycle (as revealed in scene 20), ensuring that each suspenseful moment contributes to character development and plot progression rather than serving as isolated scares.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate a unique auditory or visual twist to the tapping sound, such as making it mimic a personal sound from a character's past (e.g., Ethan's footsteps for Riley) to personalize the threat and tie it to her backstory, avoiding generic horror tropes.
  • Add a brief moment of character interaction or internal monologue to deepen emotional stakes; for instance, have Lilly whisper a specific fear related to the events in scene 15, or have Riley recall a detail from the Polaroids to make their retreat feel more urgent and connected to the larger story.
  • Enhance the visual elements by describing how the dimming lantern casts specific shadows that resemble elements from the occult (e.g., the sigil from scene 8), creating a seamless link to the 'Dream Boy' game's mechanics and increasing thematic consistency.
  • Vary the pacing slightly by introducing a false sense of security or a quick decision point, such as Riley hesitating for a split second to listen or scan for the source, to build more layers of tension and prevent the scene from feeling too linear.
  • Consider expanding the scene's end to hint at the next threat, like a faint glow or whisper from the corner, to improve flow into subsequent scenes and ensure the suspense arc peaks effectively within the overall script structure.



Scene 18 -  Unsettling Encounter in the Kitchen
INT. SORORITY HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
A soft HUM from the old refrigerator. The house is dead
still, steeped in shadows.
Riley enters in pajamas and a hoodie.
She rubs her eyes, still half-asleep, flicks on the overhead
light -- it flickers twice before holding.
She moves to the fridge, opens it --
Bluish light spills across the linoleum. She pulls out a
container of leftover mac & cheese and shuts the door.
She turns --
A CREAK behind her. Long. Old wood shifts.
Riley flinches, then breathes out. She moves toward the
microwave, pushes buttons.
As the spinning tray turns -- something shifts in the
reflection of the microwave’s glass door.
Riley turns --
In the doorway stands SUE. Still. Unmoving.
Her silhouette fills the frame, robe pale, hair pinned
perfectly.
RILEY
Oh, hey, Sue. I didn’t hear you
come in.

Sue smiles -- thinly.
SUE
Late-night cravings. They happen.
Especially in this house.
Riley offers a polite smile -- albeit awkward. She pulls a
spoon from the drawer.
Sue moves forward -- slowly and gracefully.
Each footstep seems to stretch the silence.
SUE (CONT’D)
Winter break’s coming up. Big
plans?
RILEY
(sits on the counter)
Just going home. But I’ll be back
early. I want to get ahead on
coursework for next semester.
Sue pauses, considers this.
SUE
It’s good you’re coming back early.
Means you’ll have the house mostly
to yourself.
Riley stirs her mac and cheese, uneasy.
SUE (CONT’D)
But not entirely. There should be a
few girls around. And this house...
Well. It likes company.
A quiet, lingering smile. Too slow. Too knowing.
Riley tries to fill the silence.
RILEY
I mean... I like it better with
people around. Less creepy. Fewer
noises.
SUE
Ah yes... the noises. Floors
shifting. Pipes breathing. Doors
remembering who used to open them.
Riley’s spoon stops halfway to her mouth.

SUE (CONT’D)
This house is a hundred years old,
you know. Think of it, Riley.
(a beat)
All the girls who have come and
gone in that time.
Her voice isn’t warm. It’s nostalgic, but something's off.
RILEY
Guess there's a lot of secrets in
these walls.
Sue lingers near her. Too close. The kitchen light glints off
Sue’s dark eyes.
SUE
You know, I consider all of you my
daughters... just one big family.
Riley shifts. Takes another small bite. Her appetite is
fading fast.
RILEY
Yeah. Nice to have sisters.
Sue reaches out -- lifts a loose strand of Riley’s hair
that’s caught in her collar.
SUE
You don’t have a boyfriend, do you?
Riley tenses.
RILEY
No. I don't.
Sue’s hand trails down Riley’s hair. Light. Tender. Wrong.
SUE
Pity. You’re very pretty.
Riley shifts back, uncomfortable. Doesn’t know what to do
with her hands.
Sue brushes hair behind Riley’s ear. Her fingers are gentle,
cold.
RILEY
Thanks. I just -- haven’t met the
right guy yet. I have some... trust
issues.
A pause. Sue studies her.

SUE
Trust is overrated. Don’t just
disappear into your books, Riley.
Sue leans in just a touch closer -- her face just inches from
Riley's. Something ancient glints in her eyes.
SUE (CONT’D)
Girls like you deserve to be
wanted. Claimed.
Riley, throat dry, nods. Not sure what else to do.
Another CREAK -- sudden, sharp.
Riley startles -- drops her spoon.
It clatters to the tile.
Sue doesn’t even look. Letting it echo.
The tension hangs like smoke.
RILEY
Well... I should probably get back
to bed.
She slides off the counter -- not making eye contact. Grabs
her container.
Sue smiles.
SUE
Goodnight, Riley.
Riley nods, escapes the room.
Sue lingers in the kitchen alone.
She lifts her wrist. In her hand --
Three long strands of dark hair. Twisted around her fingers
like spider silk.
END FLASHBACK
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Supernatural"]

Summary In a flashback set in the dimly lit kitchen of a sorority house, Riley, half-asleep in her pajamas, encounters Sue, who stands silently in the doorway. As they converse, Sue's unsettling comments about trust and belonging, coupled with her invasive physical touch, create an atmosphere of discomfort for Riley. Despite her polite attempts to deflect Sue's advances, Riley's unease grows, leading her to abruptly leave the kitchen. The scene concludes with Sue alone, holding strands of Riley's hair, emphasizing the eerie and possessive nature of their interaction.
Strengths
  • Atmospheric descriptions
  • Tension-building
  • Character dynamics
  • Supernatural elements
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Lack of resolution in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene excels in creating a chilling atmosphere, establishing suspense, and introducing a key character with an ominous presence. The use of setting, dialogue, and character interactions effectively sets the stage for escalating tension and supernatural elements.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene revolves around introducing a mysterious character, setting up a foreboding atmosphere, and hinting at supernatural elements. It effectively establishes the tone and direction of the narrative, laying the groundwork for future developments.

Plot: 9.1

The plot of the scene focuses on building tension, introducing a key character, and hinting at darker forces at play. It advances the overarching narrative by deepening the mystery and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a fresh take on the sorority house setting by blending elements of mystery and unease with the dynamics between the characters. The dialogue feels authentic and contributes to the scene's authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 9.2

The characters in the scene, particularly Sue and Riley, are well-defined through their interactions and dialogue. Sue's mysterious and unsettling presence contrasts with Riley's unease, creating a dynamic that adds depth to the unfolding events.

Character Changes: 9

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the introduction of Sue and the interactions with Riley hint at potential shifts in dynamics and motivations as the narrative progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

Riley's internal goal is to navigate a tense interaction with Sue while maintaining her composure and asserting her boundaries. This reflects her need for safety, autonomy, and self-preservation.

External Goal: 7.5

Riley's external goal is to finish her late-night snack and leave the kitchen without escalating the uncomfortable situation with Sue. This reflects her immediate challenge of dealing with Sue's unsettling behavior.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.8

The scene introduces subtle conflicts through character interactions, foreshadowing of darker events, and the mysterious presence of Sue. The rising tension and unease create a sense of conflict that drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Sue's unsettling behavior creating a sense of unease and unpredictability that challenges Riley's sense of safety and autonomy.

High Stakes: 9

The scene establishes high stakes through the eerie atmosphere, supernatural hints, and the mysterious presence of Sue. The escalating tension and sense of impending danger raise the stakes for the characters and the unfolding narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by deepening the mystery, introducing key elements, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions. It advances the narrative arc and engages the audience in the unfolding events.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the gradual escalation of tension and the unexpected revelations about Sue's behavior, keeping the audience uncertain about the characters' motives and actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict lies in Sue's predatory behavior and manipulation, contrasting with Riley's desire for safety and autonomy. Sue's predatory nature challenges Riley's values of trust and boundaries.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.3

The scene evokes a strong emotional impact through its eerie atmosphere, suspenseful buildup, and unsettling interactions. The sense of dread, fear, and foreboding resonates with the audience, drawing them into the unfolding mystery.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys tension, unease, and foreshadowing. Sue's cryptic remarks and Riley's responses enhance the eerie atmosphere and hint at underlying conflicts and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its atmospheric descriptions, subtle character dynamics, and the slow reveal of unsettling elements that keep the audience intrigued and on edge.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds suspense and maintains a slow, deliberate rhythm that enhances the tension between the characters and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, character actions, and dialogue cues that enhance readability and flow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear scene setting, character actions, and dialogue progression, effectively building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds psychological tension through subtle horror elements, such as the creaking sounds, flickering lights, and Sue's unnatural movements, which align well with the overall script's theme of supernatural dread and possession. This flashback provides crucial backstory on Sue's character, revealing her obsessive and predatory nature, which helps deepen the audience's understanding of her role in the larger narrative. However, the dialogue occasionally feels expository and stilted, with lines like 'This house is a hundred years old, you know. Think of it, Riley.' coming across as forced attempts to foreshadow rather than natural conversation, which could disrupt immersion for the reader or viewer.
  • Riley's character is portrayed with vulnerability and discomfort, making her reactions relatable and human, which contrasts well with the escalating horrors in the main timeline. This scene successfully ties into recurring motifs like hair and 'being claimed,' reinforcing the occult themes established earlier. That said, the scene might benefit from more varied pacing; the slow build-up is engaging, but the abrupt end with Riley leaving could feel rushed, potentially undercutting the emotional impact. Additionally, while the visual descriptions are vivid, they sometimes overlap with the dialogue in conveying unease, which might make the scene feel redundant in places, as the audience is told through words what is already shown through actions.
  • As a flashback inserted amidst high-tension sequences, this scene serves to humanize Riley and provide context for her fears, but it risks pulling the audience out of the immediate suspense if not seamlessly integrated. The critique here is that the transition in and out of the flashback isn't explicitly handled in this excerpt, but based on the scene's content, it could be more fluid to maintain narrative momentum. Furthermore, Sue's characterization is chilling and effective, with her physical actions (like touching Riley's hair) being more impactful than her words, but her dialogue could explore her motivations more subtly to avoid making her seem cartoonishly villainous, allowing for a slower reveal of her depth.
  • The use of the microwave reflection to introduce Sue is a clever visual device that adds to the surprise and eeriness, fitting the script's horror style. However, the scene could delve deeper into Riley's internal state—perhaps through more detailed facial expressions or subtle body language—to better convey her growing discomfort, making the horror more personal and engaging. Overall, while the scene succeeds in creating a creepy atmosphere, it might not fully capitalize on the opportunity to explore Riley's backstory or her relationship with Sue, which could strengthen the emotional stakes in the present-day action.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the sensory details to immerse the audience more deeply; for example, add descriptions of the kitchen's stale air, the cold touch of Sue's fingers, or the sound of Riley's heartbeat accelerating to heighten the tension without relying solely on dialogue.
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more natural and less expository; consider adding interruptions or hesitant pauses in Riley's responses to show her unease, and make Sue's lines more ambiguous or metaphorical to build mystery rather than directly stating themes like 'trust is overrated.'
  • Strengthen the connection to the main narrative by including subtle hints that link this flashback to the present-day horrors, such as a brief visual callback to the hair strands or a sound that echoes in the current timeline, to make the flashback feel more integral and less interruptive.
  • Adjust the pacing by extending the moment when Riley startles and drops the spoon, perhaps adding a close-up on her face or a lingering shot on Sue's unchanging expression, to amplify the dread and give the audience time to absorb the creepiness before the scene concludes.
  • Develop Riley's character further by incorporating a small internal monologue or a flashback within the flashback to hint at her past traumas (e.g., referencing Ethan subtly), which could make her reactions more layered and tie into her arc throughout the script.



Scene 19 -  The Haunting Call
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (BACK TO PRESENT)
Riley and Lilly race into an empty living room.
LILLY
Brooke? Chelsea? Guys?!

RILEY
(to herself)
Hair binds.
Lilly looks at Riley -- confused.
RILEY (CONT’D)
This game chose us. I think our
dream boys are just -- just
delivering us to this house. We
can't win. Only survive.
Riley shows Lilly the sigil on the underside of the box.
LILLY
A demon? Come on. You expect me to
believe that?
Riley puts the game box back on the coffee table -- picks up
the pink phone.
She unscrews the receiver slowly, carefully, deliberately.
LILLY (CONT’D)
What are you --
CLACK.
The panel drops --
A grotesque HAIR DOLL clumps out --
Blonde, brunette, auburn hair twisted tight. Eyes sewn shut.
The doll twitches. Its knotted mouth gapes open.
HAIR DOLL (V.O.)
(whisper, many voices)
I see you...
Riley flings it across the room.
The doll hits the floor -- convulses -- then goes still.
A single hair strand snakes away, slipping between the
floorboards.
Then --
RING.
LILLY
It's my turn.

RILEY
Don't pick it up. Fuck the rules.
RING.
Suddenly --
The pink phone RISES off the table, as if pulled by invisible
strings.
Riley and Lilly recoil, frozen in place, eyes wide.
The phone drifts -- slow, deliberate -- hovering through the
air.
It stops beside Lilly’s ear, waiting. Demanding.
LILLY
(whisper)
Hello?
Only static answers -- like breath pressed against the line.
Then, silence. Heavy. Watchful.
LILLY (CONT’D)
Hello?...
A soft, syrupy male voice blooms in her ear -- velvet and
intimate --
ZANE (V.O.)
Lilly... at last.
Lilly freezes.
LILLY
Zane?...
ZANE (V.O.)
I’ve been watching you, Lilly.
They all look right through you.
But I see you. I've always seen
you.
The lanterns flicker. The whole room tightens.
LILLY
Stop. You don’t know me.
ZANE (V.O.)
Wouldn’t you like to be...
unforgettable?

The game board shudders on the coffee table.
RILEY
Don’t respond. That's what it
wants.
Lilly rocks back, fingers clenching the receiver -- silent.
The receiver hums.
A tiny vibration crawls up Lilly’s palm like an insect.
Suddenly --
The phone BUBBLES.
The plastic surface ripples like water -- a soft, wet
slurping sound.
RILEY (CONT’D)
What the -- ?
The receiver bulges, then SPLITS --
A slick and impossibly HUMAN HAND pushes out --
The fingers -- too perfect, nails manicured, but the skin has
an unnatural translucence.
Lilly stares, repulsed.
The hand flexes, reaching.
Riley lunges to grab the pink phone -- too late.
The hand wraps around Lilly’s face, cupping her cheeks with
impossible warmth.
Lilly’s mouth opens -- a soundless cry as the palm presses
against her lips, pushing, urging.
LILLY
Riley -- !
Riley rips at the receiver --
The hand won’t let go.
Its grip -- ice-cold. Sticky. Impossible.
The phone’s hum deepens into a subterranean THROB.
RILEY
Name it. Claim it. It’s not real.

The hand jerks, surprised.
Lilly chokes -- pulls the hand free.
LILLY
It's not -- it's not real.
For a heartbeat, it quivers.
The fingers lose their intimacy -- clamp tighter.
Riley pulls the knife from her sheath and lunges toward the
hand -- slicing it deep.
The hand recoils.
Blackish fluid beads emerge from the wound.
Riley tears the phone from Lilly's hand --
The hand snaps back with a wet POP -- vanishing into the
phone.
Riley drops the phone.
It hits the ground. Pulsing. Angry.
Her eyes brim with tears.
The pink phone HUMS. Low. Steady.
Then --
Shadows writhe across the wall.
RILEY
I think it's safe in the basement.
Riley’s eyes burn steady, calm.
The pink phone pulses. Patient. Still hungry.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense nighttime scene, Riley and Lilly search for their friends in an empty living room, only to encounter a supernatural threat through a possessed phone. Riley reveals the game's sinister nature and warns Lilly not to answer the phone, but Lilly is drawn in by Zane's manipulative voice. As a grotesque hand emerges from the phone, Riley fights back with a knife, forcing it to retreat. Despite their temporary victory, the phone continues to pulse ominously, suggesting that danger still lurks as they consider seeking safety in the basement.
Strengths
  • Effective use of supernatural elements
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Realistic character reactions
  • Eerie atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion with multiple supernatural elements
  • Some dialogue may need further clarity

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through supernatural elements, engaging dialogue, and character reactions, creating a chilling atmosphere that keeps the audience on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of a haunted game leading characters into a supernatural encounter is intriguing and well-executed. The integration of the 'Dream Boy' game as a malevolent force adds depth to the storyline and enhances the horror elements.

Plot: 9

The plot unfolds with a focus on supernatural events, character interactions, and escalating tension. The progression of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding mystery.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique supernatural elements such as the hair doll and the sentient phone, adding a fresh twist to the familiar horror genre. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters react realistically to the supernatural events, showcasing fear, determination, and vulnerability. Their responses add depth to the scene and enhance the overall sense of dread.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo emotional and psychological changes in response to the supernatural events, showcasing their growth, fears, and vulnerabilities. These changes add complexity to the characters and deepen the narrative.

Internal Goal: 9

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to understand and survive the dangerous situation they find themselves in. Her dialogue and actions reveal her realization that they are not in control and must navigate the supernatural forces at play to stay alive.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to resist the temptations and threats presented by the supernatural entities, particularly the voice on the phone. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of staying safe and not succumbing to the malevolent forces.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.3

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including supernatural threats, character struggles, and escalating tension. The conflicts drive the narrative forward and increase the sense of danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing supernatural threats that challenge their beliefs and agency. The audience is kept uncertain about the outcome, adding to the suspense and intrigue.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing supernatural threats, eerie encounters, and escalating danger. The sense of peril and uncertainty adds intensity to the narrative and keeps the audience invested.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new supernatural elements, escalating tension, and deepening the mystery. It propels the narrative towards a climactic resolution and keeps the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected supernatural occurrences and the characters' reactions to them. The audience is kept on edge by the shifting dynamics and escalating threats.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of control, belief, and manipulation. The protagonist is faced with entities that challenge her understanding of reality and her agency, leading to a struggle between what is perceived as real and what is supernatural.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, suspense, and dread, keeping the audience on edge and engaged with the characters' plight. The emotional impact adds depth to the horror elements and enhances the overall atmosphere.

Dialogue: 9.2

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and interactions with the supernatural elements. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the overall atmosphere of terror.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of suspense, supernatural elements, and character dynamics. The escalating tension and mysterious events keep the audience invested in the unfolding story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of events leading to a climactic confrontation. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected standards for a horror screenplay, with clear descriptions of actions and dialogue. The use of formatting elements enhances the scene's visual and atmospheric impact.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured progression of events that build tension and suspense effectively. The pacing and formatting align with the genre's expectations, enhancing the scene's impact.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds suspense and horror through supernatural elements like the levitating phone and the emerging hand, which are visually striking and align well with the overall theme of the screenplay involving occult games and possession. However, the rapid escalation from Riley's explanation to the physical attack might feel overwhelming, potentially reducing the impact of individual horror beats by not allowing enough time for the audience to process each event, such as the hair doll's reveal or the phone's transformation.
  • Riley's character development is strong here, showing her growing expertise and control in the face of danger, which ties back to her traumatic past with Ethan and her knowledge of the occult. This helps the reader understand her arc, but Lilly's skepticism about the demon feels somewhat abrupt and underdeveloped, as it contrasts with the intense supernatural events they've already witnessed in previous scenes. This could confuse the audience or make Lilly's reaction seem out of place, undermining the shared terror and their established dynamic.
  • The dialogue serves to advance the plot and reveal exposition, such as Riley's line about 'hair binds' and the game's mechanics, which is crucial for understanding the lore. Yet, some lines, like Lilly's 'A demon? Come on. You expect me to believe that?' might come across as clichéd or forced, as it echoes common horror tropes without adding depth to Lilly's character or the situation, potentially making the scene less original and more predictable.
  • Visually, the scene is rich with imaginative elements, such as the hair doll twitching and speaking with multiple voices, which enhances the eerie atmosphere and connects to motifs like hair and binding from earlier scenes. However, the transition from the hair doll's action to the phone ringing and levitating could benefit from more subtle foreshadowing or sensory details to heighten tension, as the sudden levitation might feel too abrupt, jolting the audience rather than building gradual dread.
  • The ending, with Riley suggesting the basement as a safe place despite the ongoing threat, effectively maintains momentum and leads into the next scene, reinforcing the theme of survival over victory. That said, the resolution of the hand's attack feels somewhat convenient with Riley's mantra and knife strike, which might undercut the horror by making the supernatural elements too easily countered, potentially diminishing the stakes and making the antagonists seem less formidable in the broader context of the screenplay.
Suggestions
  • Slow down the pacing in key moments, such as the reveal of the hair doll and the phone's levitation, by adding pauses or descriptive beats that allow the audience to absorb the horror, perhaps through close-ups on characters' reactions or subtle sound design cues to build anticipation.
  • Deepen Lilly's skepticism by tying it to her backstory or personal fears, making her dialogue more nuanced and integrated with the plot, such as referencing her own experiences of feeling invisible to make her doubt more character-driven and less generic.
  • Refine the dialogue to be more concise and evocative, ensuring that expository lines like Riley's explanation of 'hair binds' are woven naturally into the action; consider showing rather than telling by having Riley demonstrate the sigil's significance through her actions or a quick flashback cut.
  • Enhance visual and sensory details to immerse the audience further, such as describing the feel of the hair strand slipping away or the sound of the phone's hum intensifying, to create a more visceral horror experience and strengthen the connection to recurring motifs like hair and shadows.
  • Strengthen the conflict resolution by making Riley's countermeasures less immediate, perhaps by having her mantra partially fail or require more effort, to increase tension and make the victory feel harder-earned, thus raising the overall stakes for future scenes.



Scene 20 -  Descent into Darkness
INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT
The staircase looms in front of Riley and Lilly, half-
swallowed by shadow.
They descend.
RILEY
Keep moving.
From above --

A faint RING. Metallic, sharp.
LILLY
Riley, it’s your turn.
RILEY
Eddie can leave a message.
The door SLAMS behind them.
They reach the bottom of the stairs. Riley scans the basement
with her lantern light --
A voice whispers faintly, impossible but real --
SUE (V.O.)
Finish the game.
The shadow of Asmodeus FLASHES.
BACK TO BASEMENT
The projector SNAPS --
The bulb bursts.
The only light -- the watery glow from the lantern.
The girls slide down to the floor -- their breathing fast and
shallow.
Riley fumbles inside her coat pocket -- pulls out the silver
hairbrush.
Her hands shake.
She sits cross-legged and teases loose strands from the
bristles -- braiding them together with trembling precision.
The work is delicate, obsessive -- a ritual born from
desperation.
Lilly studies Riley.
LILLY
You’re really doing this? Like,
real spell stuff?
Riley doesn’t look up.
Her voice stays controlled -- but tension drips beneath each
word.

RILEY
My uncle talked about the occult
when I was a kid. I always thought
it was just bullshit and scare
tactics.
(beat)
I'm not so sure it was all bullshit
now.
She tightens the braid. Her fingers work faster.
Lilly hugs her knees to her chest.
LILLY
I just don’t see how a hair doll is
gonna save us.
Riley looks up -- eyes hard, jaw set.
RILEY
It’s not about saving us. It’s
about binding something. Or
someone.
(beat)
Sue opened the door with hair. We
can close it the same way.
She twists the finished braid into a crude doll shape.
Bits of hair poke out like veins beneath the skin.
Riley’s breath wavers -- just once -- before she presses on.
LILLY
Why us?
Riley doesn’t answer at first.
She swallows, concentrating on the doll.
RILEY
Every fifty years. New girls. New
blood.
(beat)
It’s a spell disguised as a slumber
party.
Lilly lets the horror sink in.
LILLY
So the game doesn’t end. Ever.
RILEY
It ends when we do.

The hair doll now sits in Riley’s hands -- grotesque,
unfinished -- pulsing with awful promise.
Riley meets Lilly's eyes -- something broken flickers behind
the resolve.
A silence drops over them. Heavy. Intimate.
Then --
RILEY (CONT’D)
Can I tell you something?
Lilly looks up -- vulnerable.
LILLY
Of course.
Riley breathes in -- slow. Controlled. Like she’s about to
pull the pin on a grenade.
RILEY
The guy who stalked me in high
school... he got released today.
Lilly’s face twists in horror.
Riley doesn’t let herself cry.
RILEY (CONT’D)
-- His name was Ethan. He’d follow
me after school. Wait outside my
house. Hide letters in my locker --
creepy pictures. The kind you don’t
know exists until they’re in your
hands.
Lilly’s arms fold tighter across her chest.
LILLY
Your mom... the police... didn’t do
anything?
Riley laughs once -- a small, hollow sound.
RILEY
Nobody believes you until they’re
standing over your hospital bed.
She braids a final twist into the hair doll -- hands
trembling.
A long silence.

LILLY
You were seen too much.
(beat)
I don't get seen at all.
Riley looks up, startled by the quiet confession.
Lilly’s gaze stays fixed on the lantern glow.
Riley reaches out -- but before she can speak --
RING.
Both girls freeze.
The sound leaks from above them -- faint, metallic.
Riley clutches the hair doll tightly.
Both girls freeze.
Their eyes flick to the vent above them.
RING.
Riley grips the hair doll, her knuckles white.
She rises and grabs the lantern.
The light flickers -- dims, pulses, like it’s being
smothered.
Above them --
CLICK.
Soft, mechanical, percussive.
Like a camera shutter.
Riley whirls.
Nothing.
Another CLICK.
Then --
POLAROIDS shoot out of the vent -- one by one, dropping to
the floor like snow.
The girls watch -- frozen in place -- as the photos scatter
on the floor around them.

Lilly kneels, picks one up.
A photo of Riley in the library. Tonight. Sleeping.
Another falls.
Another photo of Riley. In her bedroom mirror. Alone.
Earlier.
Riley picks up a photo.
It's Riley -- right now -- staring at the Polaroid.
Riley drops the photo, trembling.
She turns to Lilly --
LILLY IS GONE. Vanished into thin air.
Then --
Polaroids lift off the ground, spiraling like a flock of
mechanical birds.
A crescendo --
FLASH.
FLASH.
FLASH.
Brighter. Faster. Louder.
The WHINE of a camera builds. High-pitched. Piercing.
Riley runs toward the stairs.
Behind her --
Polaroids continue snapping.
The high-pitched camera WHINE builds to distortion.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Thriller"]

Summary In a dimly lit basement, Riley and Lilly confront escalating supernatural threats while performing a ritual to bind an entity. As they share personal traumas, including Riley's experience with a stalker and Lilly's feelings of invisibility, the atmosphere grows tense. The situation spirals out of control when Lilly suddenly vanishes, and chaotic Polaroids capturing Riley's vulnerabilities begin to fly around them. In a panic, Riley grabs the lantern and rushes toward the stairs as the supernatural disturbances intensify.
Strengths
  • Effective use of supernatural elements
  • Tension-building through character interactions
  • Compelling dialogue and emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion with the rapid escalation of supernatural events
  • Some elements may be too intense for sensitive audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through the use of supernatural elements, character interactions, and a sense of urgency. The hair doll ritual adds a unique and eerie aspect to the scene, while the escalating supernatural events keep the audience on edge. The dialogue and character dynamics contribute to the overall sense of dread and desperation, making it a compelling and intense scene.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of using a hair doll ritual to bind a supernatural entity, the mysterious game with escalating events, and the theme of desperation and survival are well-developed in the scene. The incorporation of occult elements and the history of the sorority house add depth to the supernatural mystery, making the concept intriguing and engaging.

Plot: 9.1

The plot of the scene is crucial in advancing the supernatural storyline, introducing high stakes, and revealing character motivations. Each event leads to the next, building tension and revealing more about the mysterious game and its consequences. The plot progression keeps the audience invested and sets up future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on supernatural horror by combining occult rituals with personal traumas, creating an authentic and chilling atmosphere. The characters' actions and dialogue feel genuine and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are well-defined through their actions, dialogue, and reactions to the supernatural events. Riley's determination and knowledge of the occult, Lilly's fear and skepticism, and Sue's ominous presence contribute to the character dynamics and drive the scene forward. The characters' interactions reveal their vulnerabilities and strengths, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 9

Riley undergoes a significant change in the scene, from initial skepticism to embracing the occult ritual to protect herself and Lilly. Her past trauma and knowledge of the supernatural shape her actions and decisions, leading to a moment of vulnerability and determination. Lilly also experiences a shift in perspective, from skepticism to acceptance of the supernatural threat.

Internal Goal: 9

Riley's internal goal is to confront her past traumas and fears, as seen through her desperate attempt to use occult rituals to protect herself and her friend. This reflects her deeper need for control and safety in a situation that feels out of her hands.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to survive the supernatural threats in the basement and close the door that was opened by the game they are involved in. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the danger they are in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.3

The conflict in the scene is intense, with the characters facing supernatural threats, escalating events, and the looming presence of Asmodeus. The internal conflict of the characters, their struggle to understand and combat the supernatural forces, and the high stakes of survival create a sense of urgency and danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing supernatural threats, past traumas, and the unknown consequences of their actions. The audience is kept in suspense about how the characters will overcome these challenges.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters facing supernatural threats, the looming presence of Asmodeus, and the need to survive the escalating events. The risk of failure, the consequences of breaking the rules, and the unknown nature of the supernatural forces raise the tension and urgency of the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key supernatural elements, revealing character motivations, and escalating the stakes. The discovery of the hair doll ritual, the unfolding events with the game, and the interaction with the supernatural entities propel the narrative toward a climactic confrontation. The scene sets up future developments and deepens the mystery.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden twists, supernatural occurrences, and the mysterious disappearance of characters, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome and the nature of the threats.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the belief in the power of occult practices and the consequences of meddling with forces beyond one's understanding. This challenges Riley's skepticism and forces her to reconsider her worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.4

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, dread, and tension in the audience. The characters' vulnerabilities, the supernatural elements, and the escalating events create a sense of unease and suspense. The emotional depth of the scene resonates with the audience, drawing them into the characters' struggles and fears.

Dialogue: 9.2

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys fear, desperation, and the characters' motivations. The conversations between Riley and Lilly reveal their past traumas and current struggles, adding emotional depth to the scene. The dialogue enhances the tension and builds the relationship between the characters, driving the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense atmosphere, character dynamics, and the gradual escalation of supernatural elements that keep the audience on edge. The suspenseful pacing and eerie events draw viewers in.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual increase in the intensity of events and character revelations. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness in conveying fear and uncertainty.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, with proper scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting that align with industry standards for a screenplay in the horror genre.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured progression of tension and revelation, building suspense effectively and maintaining the audience's engagement. It adheres to the expected format for a horror genre scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through a combination of auditory and visual elements, such as the faint ringing, the voice-over from Sue, and the flashing shadow of Asmodeus, which immerses the audience in the supernatural dread. However, the rapid escalation from the ritual to Lilly's sudden disappearance might feel abrupt, potentially disrupting the pacing and making the horror less earned; it could benefit from more gradual foreshadowing to heighten anticipation and allow the audience to anticipate the threat without diminishing the surprise.
  • Riley's character development is a strong point, as her revelation about being stalked by Ethan ties her personal trauma to the overarching themes of visibility, desire, and predation in the script. This moment adds depth and emotional weight, making her actions more relatable and the horror more personal. That said, the delivery feels somewhat expository, with Riley's monologue risking telling rather than showing; integrating more visual or sensory cues during her recounting could make the trauma feel more immediate and visceral, enhancing the reader's understanding of her psychological state.
  • The dialogue serves to reveal backstory and advance the plot, particularly in explaining the 50-year cycle of the curse, which connects to the script's larger mythology. However, lines like 'Every fifty years. New girls. New blood.' come across as overly direct and could alienate the audience if they feel like infodumps; refining this to make it more conversational or tied to the characters' emotions might improve flow and engagement, helping readers grasp the lore without breaking immersion.
  • The ritual with the hair doll is a creative and thematic element, symbolizing the binding and claiming motifs established earlier, and it effectively uses Riley's resourcefulness to show her agency in the face of terror. Nevertheless, the scene's focus on this ritual alongside personal confessions and the supernatural attack might overcrowd it, diluting the impact of each element; a more focused approach could strengthen the horror by allowing each beat to breathe, ensuring that the audience fully absorbs the dread before the next escalation.
  • Lilly's character arc in this scene, particularly her confession of feeling invisible, adds a layer of emotional complexity and contrasts with Riley's overexposure to trauma, enriching their dynamic. However, this moment is underdeveloped and feels tacked on, which might make Lilly's subsequent disappearance less impactful; expanding on her internal struggle could create a stronger emotional payoff, helping readers connect with her fate and understand how the theme of invisibility plays into the horror genre's exploration of neglect and erasure.
  • The visual descriptions, such as the Polaroids shooting out of the vent and the dimming lantern light, are vivid and contribute to a claustrophobic atmosphere, effectively ratcheting up suspense. Yet, the ending with the chaotic flashes and whining camera sound risks becoming clichéd, as similar tropes are common in horror; innovating on this by tying it more uniquely to Riley's personal history (e.g., incorporating elements from Ethan's stalking) could make the horror feel more original and personalized, enhancing the scene's memorability for both the writer and the reader.
Suggestions
  • Add subtle foreshadowing for Lilly's disappearance, such as brief, unexplained shadows or whispers targeting her earlier in the scene, to make the event feel more inevitable and heighten tension without spoiling the surprise.
  • Incorporate more sensory details during Riley's trauma reveal, like showing her fingers tracing old scars or hearing echoes of past events, to make the exposition more dynamic and immersive, balancing show-don't-tell principles.
  • Refine the dialogue about the game's cycle by having it emerge naturally through actions or shared memories, perhaps by Riley referencing a book or artifact in the basement, to reduce exposition and make the conversation feel more organic.
  • Streamline the scene by focusing on fewer elements; for example, shorten the ritual description to emphasize key actions and emotions, allowing more space for the personal confessions and the attack to build stronger emotional and horror beats.
  • Expand Lilly's confession moment with additional reaction shots or a brief flashback to her experiences of invisibility, deepening the character bond and making her vanishing more emotionally resonant for the audience.
  • Introduce a unique twist to the Polaroid sequence, such as photos that blend Riley's past stalking incidents with the current events, to reinforce thematic connections and differentiate the horror from standard tropes, increasing originality and impact.



Scene 21 -  The Birthday of Despair
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
The room sits in stillness.
The basement door opens --
Lilly bursts in, panting.
She turns around.

LILLY
Riley?
The basement door SLAMS.
Lilly tries to open it -- won't budge.
The pink phone pulses on the table, slow and steady like a
heartbeat.
Then --
A faint POP of balloons.
Music drifts in.
Not just music -- a party song, syrupy and too cheerful,
warped just slightly off-key --
LILLY (CONT’D)
(whispering)
Guys...? Chelsea? Brooke? Riley...?
The living room SHIFTS --
Streamers sag overhead.
A banner unfurls -- letters bleed into view --
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LILLY!”
A table groans under cake and punch.
The punch bowl glows deep ruby, bubbles rising like blood.
The crowd arrives --
Phantom guests in vintage gowns and tuxes, all clapping at
once.
Their grins fixed, too many teeth -- their laughter skips
like broken records.
The smell hits her --
Cheap perfume, spoiled frosting, and sour wine.
A PHANTOM GIRL brushes through Lilly, leaving behind a wet,
cold slick across her arm, like a slug trail.
LILLY (CONT’D)
Hey! Excuse you!

No response. Her voice evaporates into the warped party
track.
From the crowd -- he emerges --
ZANE. Handsome. Perfectly dressed in a tuxedo.
A rose in his lapel wilts -- then perks up as he smiles. His
eyes glimmer faintly yellow.
The dancers part in sync, their heads swiveling unnaturally
to watch Lilly.
ZANE
There you are. The guest of honor.
He extends his hand. Warm. Solid.
LILLY
You -- you see me?
ZANE
Only you, Lilly.
He pulls her in. They sway.
The crowd CLAPS. Rhythmic. Mechanical -- like a hundred pairs
of hands slapping meat.
Zane spins her out -- raises her arm high like a pageant
queen.
ZANE (CONT’D)
Ladies and gentlemen... your
leading lady!
The crowd CHEERS -- but when they turn their faces toward her
--
Their eyes skip over her. Look through her. Smile at empty
air.
Zane leans in. Kisses her cheek.
When he pulls back -- a strand of her hair dangles from his
teeth.
It glistens like spun sugar.
He chews it. Slowly. With relish.
ZANE (CONT’D)
Mm... Sweet. Just like I remember.

CONFETTI CANNONS POP --
But the falling shreds aren’t confetti --
They’re torn Polaroids --
Smiling mouths. Empty eyes.
Her outline flickers.
LILLY
Riley, where are you?
The crowd encircles her --
Waxen. Smiling. Perfect.
They mime gift-giving, boxes wrapped in pale skin.
Ribbons twitch.
The lids flap open --
Inside --
Strips of her own skin, folded like ribbons -- each one
faintly breathing.
Lilly gasps in terror.
The crowd CLAPS.
The sound tears at her flesh.
A strip peels from her arm.
Then her cheek.
Her throat.
No blood.
No pain.
Only erasure.
She claws at her chest --
Her hands sink through, grasping --
Nothing.
Her skin lifts away in perfect squares --

Paper-thin, fluttering upward like memories.
LILLY (CONT’D)
Stop this. Stop it!
ZANE
(seductive, distorted)
You said you wanted to be
remembered. Now you’ll never fade
again.
He kisses her lips.
When he pulls back --
Her lips stay on his, tearing loose like wet petals.
He spits them aside, smiles wide.
Above them --
The banner writhes.
The letters twist, bleed, reform --
“GOODBYE, LILLY.”
Balloons POP. One by one.
The crowd surges closer.
Zane gestures to them -- triumphant.
ZANE (CONT’D)
To the girl... no one will forget!
The crowd mimics unwrapping, clawing the air.
Each gesture rips more of her away.
Her hair falls like static.
Her eyes disintegrate into white confetti.
Her jaw splits down the center --
Paper tearing wet.
Her torso folds inward --
Origami made of flesh and memory.

LILLY
(whisper, paper-thin)
Riley... help...
Her final shred tears from her chest.
It drifts upward --
The crowd ERUPTS in applause.
Lilly screams, but the sound is swallowed instantly as the
party guests collapse onto her — their bodies turning into
confetti that engulfs her like a tidal wave.
Her shape disappears beneath the swirling paper storm.
The confetti settles.
The crowd vanishes.
Zane bows, smiling -- but the smile does not belong to a
human.
Two vertical slits open across his cheeks, pulling back like
curtains to reveal rows of needle-thin teeth.
Zane stands alone --
A towering demon with horns curled like twisted candles,
breathing slow, satisfied breaths.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Psychological"]

Summary In a nightmarish transformation, Lilly finds herself trapped in a living room turned eerie birthday party, desperately calling for her friends. Surrounded by phantom guests who ignore her, she is drawn into a dance with Zane, a seductive demon. As the celebration turns grotesque, Lilly's body begins to disintegrate, and Zane taunts her about being remembered. Ultimately, she is consumed by the party's horrors, leaving Zane alone in his true demonic form.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Innovative supernatural elements
  • Deep psychological horror
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion due to surreal elements
  • Intense horror may be too much for sensitive audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is exceptionally well-crafted in creating a deeply unsettling atmosphere, blending supernatural elements with psychological horror to deliver a truly terrifying experience. The execution is top-notch, keeping the audience on edge with a mix of fear and surrealism.


Story Content

Concept: 9.3

The concept of blending a birthday party setting with supernatural horror elements is unique and captivating. The scene's concept is strong, offering a fresh take on psychological horror and showcasing the characters' descent into a nightmarish scenario.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is intricately woven with elements of mystery, terror, and character development. It advances the overall story arc while introducing high stakes and escalating the tension to a peak.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original, presenting a fresh and disturbing take on a surreal party setting. The blend of horror, surrealism, and psychological elements adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9.1

The characters are well-developed, each facing their fears and vulnerabilities in the face of supernatural horrors. Their reactions and interactions add depth to the scene, enhancing the overall sense of dread and helplessness.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo significant changes in their perceptions, beliefs, and emotional states during the scene, influenced by the supernatural events and their own fears. These transformations add depth to their arcs and the overall narrative.

Internal Goal: 9

Lilly's internal goal in this scene is to understand and escape the nightmarish situation she finds herself in. Her fear and confusion reflect deeper desires for safety, control, and a sense of reality.

External Goal: 8

Lilly's external goal is to survive and make sense of the surreal party she is trapped in. She must navigate the bizarre events and interactions to find a way out.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.6

The conflict in the scene is intense, with the characters facing supernatural forces that challenge their sanity and existence. The escalating conflict drives the narrative forward and heightens the sense of danger and dread.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Lilly facing overwhelming and surreal challenges that keep the audience guessing and create a sense of danger and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are exceptionally high in the scene, with the characters' lives, sanity, and very existence on the line as they confront malevolent supernatural forces. The sense of danger and urgency is palpable, raising the tension to a peak.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing key revelations, escalating the stakes, and deepening the mystery surrounding the supernatural occurrences. It sets the stage for further developments and intensifies the plot.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of its surreal and nightmarish elements, the unexpected twists in the narrative, and the unsettling imagery that keeps the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The scene presents a philosophical conflict between the desire for remembrance and the horror of being trapped in an eternal memory. Lilly's wish to be remembered clashes with the nightmarish consequences of that desire, challenging her beliefs about identity and legacy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.7

The scene delivers a high emotional impact, evoking fear, dread, and a sense of unease in the audience. The psychological horror elements and character struggles resonate deeply, leaving a lasting impression.

Dialogue: 8.8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and the surreal nature of the scene. It adds to the atmosphere of terror and confusion, contributing to the overall impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful atmosphere, the mystery surrounding the events, and the vivid descriptions that draw the audience into Lilly's nightmarish experience.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, drawing out the nightmarish events and allowing the audience to experience Lilly's disorientation and fear.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene effectively conveys the surreal and unsettling nature of the events. The use of spacing, punctuation, and scene breaks enhances the reader's experience.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure that enhances the sense of disorientation and unreality. The formatting and pacing contribute to the scene's effectiveness in conveying the nightmarish atmosphere.


Critique
  • This scene effectively amplifies the horror elements established earlier in the script, particularly the theme of being 'seen' and 'remembered,' by transforming Lilly's fear into a personalized nightmare birthday party. The surreal imagery, such as the confetti made of torn Polaroids and the skin peeling away like paper, creates a visceral, body-horror experience that ties into the occult motifs like the 'Dream Boy' game and the hair-binding curse. However, the rapid escalation from Lilly's entrance to her complete erasure might feel overwhelming, potentially sacrificing emotional depth for shock value; Lilly's character, who has been somewhat underdeveloped in prior scenes, is suddenly thrust into a deeply personal torment, which could resonate more if her backstory (e.g., her confession about feeling invisible in scene 20) had been foreshadowed earlier. The dialogue, while functional for advancing the horror, occasionally veers into melodramatic territory—Zane's lines like 'You said you wanted to be remembered' feel on-the-nose and could benefit from subtler, more insidious phrasing to heighten psychological tension rather than relying on explicit exposition. Visually, the scene is rich with atmospheric details, such as the bleeding banner and the phantom guests' mechanical movements, which build a claustrophobic, otherworldly dread, but the repetitive use of sound effects (e.g., clapping, popping balloons) might desensitize the audience if similar auditory cues have been overused in preceding scenes, reducing their impact. Overall, while the scene serves as a strong set piece for character elimination and plot progression, it risks feeling like a isolated horror beat without stronger integration into Lilly's arc, making her demise more tragic and meaningful within the larger narrative.
  • The pacing in this scene is intense and relentless, mirroring Lilly's panic and maintaining high suspense, which is a strength in horror screenwriting as it keeps the audience engaged. The transition from the basement (where Lilly vanishes in scene 20) to this living room setting is seamless, using the slamming door and pulsing phone to immediately reestablish threat, but it could be more disorienting for the viewer if the shift in location feels abrupt without clearer spatial cues— for instance, reminding the audience of the house's layout or using a brief establishing shot to ground the action. Character-wise, Lilly's reactions are portrayed authentically, with her whispers and pleas adding a layer of vulnerability that humanizes her amid the chaos, yet her agency is minimal; she's largely reactive, which fits the horror genre's victim trope but might limit audience investment if not balanced with moments of resistance or insight that showcase her growth from earlier scenes. The visual metaphors, like the skin turning into confetti, are inventive and symbolic, reinforcing the script's themes of erasure and memory, but they could be more nuanced to avoid gratuitous gore—focusing on sensory details that imply horror rather than describing every grotesque step might make the scene more terrifying through suggestion. Finally, the scene's conclusion with Zane's demonic transformation is a solid payoff, but it might feel predictable if the audience has already inferred the supernatural entities' true nature, suggesting a need for more innovative reveals to keep the horror fresh.
  • In terms of thematic consistency, this scene adeptly weaves in elements from the broader script, such as the recurring motif of Polaroids and the seductive yet malevolent Dream Boys, creating a cohesive horror experience. However, the heavy reliance on visual and auditory distortions (e.g., warped music, flickering outlines) to convey unreality could become a crutch if not varied, potentially making the scene blend into other supernatural sequences rather than standing out. Lilly's isolation and desperate calls for her friends highlight the theme of abandonment, which is poignant, but it underscores a missed opportunity to deepen interpersonal dynamics— for example, referencing specific shared moments from earlier scenes could make her pleas more emotionally charged and less generic. The horror elements are well-executed in building dread, with the phantom guests' indifference symbolizing Lilly's lifelong invisibility, but the scene might benefit from tighter editing to avoid redundancy in the erasure process, ensuring each beat escalates uniquely rather than repeating similar actions (e.g., peeling skin, clawing). Overall, while the scene is a gripping showcase of the curse's power, it could enhance its impact by balancing spectacle with quieter, more introspective moments that allow the audience to connect with Lilly's terror on a personal level.
Suggestions
  • Foreshadow Lilly's desire to be remembered earlier in the script, perhaps through subtle dialogue or actions in scenes 4 or 20, to make her torment in this scene feel more earned and emotionally resonant, strengthening audience investment in her character arc.
  • Refine Zane's dialogue to be more subtle and psychologically manipulative; for instance, replace direct lines like 'You said you wanted to be remembered' with ambiguous, taunting phrases that echo Lilly's own words from previous scenes, increasing the sense of personalization and dread without overt exposition.
  • Vary the horror elements to maintain freshness; introduce a new sensory detail, such as a tactile sensation or a unique sound, to differentiate this scene from others, and consider shortening the erasure sequence to focus on key, impactful images, preventing audience fatigue from prolonged gore.
  • Enhance spatial continuity by adding a brief visual cue or sound bridge from the basement exit in scene 20 to Lilly's entrance here, such as a lingering shot of the door or a echoing sound, to make the transition smoother and more immersive for the viewer.
  • Incorporate a moment of resistance or revelation for Lilly, like her attempting to use an object from the environment (e.g., a party prop) to fight back, to give her more agency and make her demise more tragic, while tying it back to the occult themes for better narrative cohesion.



Scene 22 -  Illusions of the Past
INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT
Riley creeps forward.
Shadows swing wildly across walls -- pulsing like a vein.
Each footstep throbs in the silence.
Then --
Stillness.
Riley staggers forward, soaked in sweat, clutching her knife.
Riley stands at the bottom of the stairs, knife in one hand,
lantern in the other.
She takes a breath. Moves up the steps.
Her boots THUD softly. Each impact echoes like she's in a
much larger space.

She reaches the basement door -- turns the handle --
INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM – CONTINUOUS
The door swings open into a cavernous, DARK GYMNASIUM.
Riley freezes. The basement is gone.
Flickering pink and blue lights spin across a polished wood
floor.
A broken disco ball hangs from a rusted chain, turning
slowly.
A "PROM NIGHT" banner droops across the wall in faded gold
letters.
The room is filled with SHADOWY FIGURES --
Silhouettes move rhythmically, slowly, like underwater
dancers.
Music plays from an unseen speaker -- warm, nostalgic.
Riley steps forward.
Her boots squeak on the gym floor.
She turns -- the basement door is gone.
Only a blank cinderblock wall.
RILEY
(whispers to herself)
Name it. Claim it. It’s not real.
A single spotlight flicks on.
In the bleachers --
SUE sits. Dressed in her 1920s ritual gown. Smiling. Watching
like a proud mother at a recital.
SUE
(soft, echoing)
You’re just in time, dear.
Riley backs away -- turns --
EDDIE stands in the middle of the dance floor.
Electric blue eyes. Soft smile. Neatly pressed suit. Perfect
hair.

He smiles warmly -- nothing behind his eyes.
EDDIE
You made it, Rye.
Riley stiffens. Her pulse thunders.
RILEY
No. No, you’re not --
EDDIE
Ethan? No.
Eddie steps forward.
EDDIE (CONT’D)
I’m better. I’m the version you
wanted. The one who listens. The
one who stays.
He reaches out a hand.
EDDIE (CONT’D)
Just... take my hand.
Riley stays frozen -- breath shaking.
The music warps. The shadows slow their dance. Heads turn
toward her.
Riley stumbles back.
RILEY
You’re not real. You’re a trick.
Eddie laughs -- soft -- familiar. The tenderness in it
curdles into cruelty.
EDDIE
You tell yourself that because
you’re still that scared little
girl in her bedroom.
Eddie leans in.
EDDIE (CONT’D)
The one no one believed.
Riley tightens her grip on the journal.
Eddie’s smile fades — he steps closer.

EDDIE (CONT’D)
You don’t trust anyone. Not even
yourself.
Eddie turns toward Sue.
Her eyes glow faintly. She nods with a slow, maternal
approval.
EDDIE (CONT’D)
You don’t have to fight anymore,
Riley.
Riley’s guard cracks. For a second, a tear forms in her eye.
Then she sees it --
The shadows around him -- pulsing. Waiting. Hungering.
They’re not dancing.
They’re circling.
She shudders violently -- steps back.
RILEY
I’m not yours. And I never will be.
The music SCREECHES -- distorts into a maddening carousel
waltz. Lights strobe.
Eddie’s face flickers like a glitching signal -- handsome,
corpse-like, smiling -- then hollow.
A basketball somewhere in the darkness bumps and rolls, slow…
slow… then stops.
She spins toward the sound — holding her breath.
Silence again.
And then --
A SCREAM.
LILLY (O.S.)
Riley! Help me!
Riley freezes. Panic cracks open inside her.
RILEY
Lilly?! Hang on! I’m coming!

The voice comes again, this time more desperate — distant but
unmistakable.
LILLY (O.S.)
Please. Riley...
Riley bolts across the gym floor, her footsteps echoing like
gunshots.
She reaches the double doors at the far end and SLAMS into
them.
The dancers reach for her -- arms too long, hands with too
many joints.
She SLAMS into a door --
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense and eerie scene, Riley, armed with a knife and lantern, navigates a dark basement that unexpectedly leads her into a haunting high school gymnasium filled with shadowy figures dancing to distorted music. As she confronts the illusions of Sue and Eddie, who represent her fears and past traumas, Riley struggles to maintain her grip on reality, whispering a mantra to combat the psychological manipulation. The atmosphere shifts from nostalgic to nightmarish as Eddie's appearance glitches between handsome and grotesque, and the shadowy dancers close in on her. The urgency escalates when she hears Lilly's desperate screams for help, prompting her to flee in panic, culminating in a frantic escape attempt through double doors.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Seamless transition between settings
  • Eerie atmosphere
  • Engaging character interactions
  • Suspenseful dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion due to shifting realities
  • Complexity of supernatural elements
  • Intense emotional impact may be overwhelming for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension, introduces supernatural elements, and creates a sense of dread and urgency. The seamless transition between locations adds to the unsettling atmosphere. The dialogue and interactions with ghostly characters are engaging and contribute to the overall suspense.


Story Content

Concept: 9.1

The concept of blending supernatural horror with psychological elements in a shifting setting is intriguing and well-executed. The introduction of spectral characters from the past adds depth to the narrative and enhances the mystery surrounding the unfolding events.

Plot: 9.2

The plot of the scene is engaging and contributes significantly to the overall story arc. It introduces new elements, raises stakes, and deepens the mystery surrounding the characters and their supernatural predicament. The progression from the basement to the gymnasium adds layers to the plot and keeps the audience invested.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its imaginative blending of supernatural elements with psychological introspection. The characters' interactions and the surreal setting contribute to a fresh and engaging narrative approach.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' reactions, dialogue, and interactions effectively convey their fear, desperation, and confusion in the face of supernatural events. Riley's determination and defiance, as well as the ghostly figures' eerie presence, add depth to the character dynamics and contribute to the scene's impact.

Character Changes: 9

Riley undergoes a subtle but important change in the scene, transitioning from initial fear and uncertainty to a moment of realization and defiance. Her confrontation with the supernatural forces and her resolve to resist manipulation showcase her character growth and resilience.

Internal Goal: 9

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to confront and overcome her inner demons, represented by the manifestations of her past fears and insecurities. She struggles with trust, self-doubt, and the need to break free from her past traumas.

External Goal: 8

Riley's external goal is to rescue Lilly, who calls out for help in the gym. This goal reflects the immediate challenge she faces in the scene and drives her actions and decisions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.3

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with characters facing supernatural threats, psychological manipulation, and a sense of impending danger. The internal and external conflicts heighten the tension and drive the narrative forward, keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Riley facing internal and external challenges that test her beliefs and resilience. The mysterious figures and unsettling atmosphere create a sense of looming danger and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with characters facing supernatural threats, psychological manipulation, and a sense of impending danger. The risk of losing themselves to the past, the unknown entity, and the escalating supernatural events raise the stakes and create a sense of urgency and peril.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new elements, deepening the mystery, and raising the stakes for the characters. The shift in setting, the interactions with spectral figures, and the escalating supernatural events propel the narrative towards a climactic resolution.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of its surreal elements, unexpected character revelations, and shifting dynamics. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of trust, self-acceptance, and facing one's fears. Riley is confronted with distorted versions of familiar figures who challenge her beliefs and perceptions of herself.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.4

The scene has a significant emotional impact, evoking fear, suspense, and desperation in both characters and audience. The eerie atmosphere, supernatural elements, and character interactions create a sense of unease and foreboding, intensifying the emotional response.

Dialogue: 9.1

The dialogue in the scene enhances the tone of terror and suspense, effectively conveying the characters' emotions and the escalating supernatural threat. The interactions between characters and spectral figures add depth to the narrative and contribute to the overall atmosphere of dread.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of mystery, tension, and emotional stakes. The dynamic interactions between characters, the eerie setting, and the protagonist's internal struggles keep the audience captivated.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, alternating between moments of stillness and sudden action. The rhythmic flow enhances the scene's emotional impact and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting effectively conveys the shifting settings and character interactions, enhancing the scene's visual and emotional impact. The use of descriptive language and dialogue formatting adds depth to the narrative.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure that enhances the sense of disorientation and suspense. The transition from the basement to the gym is seamless and contributes to the scene's dreamlike quality.


Critique
  • This scene effectively amplifies the psychological horror by leveraging Riley's personal traumas, creating a disorienting blend of reality and illusion that ties into the script's overarching themes of fear, stalking, and the occult. The transition from the basement to the high school gym is a clever use of surrealism, mirroring Riley's mental state and past experiences, which helps build tension and immerses the audience in her disorientation. However, the rapid escalation of events—such as the music distorting, lights strobing, and Eddie's face glitching—might overwhelm the viewer, potentially diluting the impact of individual horror elements by packing too much into a short sequence. This could make the scene feel chaotic rather than controlled, risking a loss of emotional resonance if the audience doesn't have time to process Riley's internal conflict.
  • The dialogue in this scene is functional for advancing character development and plot, particularly in how Eddie taunts Riley about her trust issues and past, which echoes her history with Ethan and adds depth to her character arc. It successfully portrays Riley's vulnerability and resistance, making her a relatable protagonist in a horror context. That said, some lines, like Eddie's 'You don’t have to fight anymore, Riley,' feel slightly on-the-nose and expository, which could undermine the subtlety of the horror. In a genre that relies on implication and dread, more nuanced, indirect dialogue might better sustain tension and allow the audience to infer Riley's backstory rather than having it stated outright, which could enhance the scene's emotional weight and avoid clichés.
  • Visually, the scene is rich with atmospheric details—such as the flickering disco ball, shadowy dancers, and the blank cinderblock wall—that evoke a nightmarish quality and maintain the script's consistent tone of supernatural dread. The use of the prom night setting cleverly subverts a typically nostalgic or innocent trope into something terrifying, reinforcing the theme of distorted perceptions. However, the reliance on familiar horror tropes, like the illusory environment and sudden screams, might make the scene predictable for genre-savvy audiences, reducing its originality. Additionally, while Sue's presence in the bleachers adds a layer of menace by connecting to earlier scenes, her role here feels somewhat passive; she could be more integrated into the action to heighten her antagonistic influence and strengthen the narrative payoff in later scenes.
  • In terms of pacing and structure, this scene serves as a pivotal moment in the second act, escalating the stakes by isolating Riley and forcing her to confront her fears head-on, which propels the story toward its climax. The buildup to Lilly's scream is well-timed, creating a sense of urgency and motivating Riley's escape, but the scene's resolution feels abrupt, with Riley's declaration of resistance and immediate flight potentially undercutting the emotional catharsis. This could leave viewers feeling that Riley's character development is rushed, as her moment of vulnerability (the tear in her eye) is quickly overshadowed by action, missing an opportunity to delve deeper into her psyche and make her arc more compelling. Overall, while the scene advances the plot effectively, it could benefit from more balanced emotional beats to ensure it resonates beyond surface-level scares.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to be more subtle and layered; for example, have Eddie's taunts imply Riley's past through ambiguous references or symbolic actions rather than direct statements, allowing the audience to connect the dots and increasing the scene's psychological depth.
  • Enhance sensory details to heighten immersion; add elements like the musty smell of the gym, the cold sweat on Riley's skin, or the distorted echoes of the music to make the horror more visceral and engaging, drawing the audience deeper into Riley's experience.
  • Tighten the pacing by spacing out the surreal elements; introduce the distortions gradually—starting with subtle changes in the dancers' movements—before ramping up to the strobe lights and scream, to build tension more methodically and prevent the scene from feeling overcrowded.
  • Strengthen character moments by incorporating brief, non-verbal cues or flashbacks; for instance, show a quick flash of Riley's bedroom from Scene 1 when she's confronted by Eddie, to reinforce her trauma without exposition and make her resistance more impactful.
  • Ensure thematic consistency by linking the gym illusion more explicitly to the script's motifs, such as the 'Dream Boy' game or the sigil from earlier scenes, perhaps by having subtle visual callbacks like a flickering sigil on the disco ball, to reinforce the interconnected horror elements and build toward the finale.



Scene 23 -  Nightmare in the Kitchen
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Riley bursts into the room, gasping.
The living room looks... almost normal.
No gym. No Eddie. No Sue.
Just the quiet glow of a floor lamp.
A faint laugh carries from the kitchen -- light, casual.
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
Chelsea, Brooke, and Lilly are gathered around the counter.
Wearing flour-dusted sweaters, laughing as they drop cookie
dough onto trays.
Chelsea smiles as Riley enters.
CHELSEA
(sweet, normal)
Hey, sleepyhead. We're making
cookies. You want some?
Brooke waves with a spatula.
BROOKE
Don’t let her burn them this time.
Lilly laughs -- bright and full of life.
LILLY
You okay, Rye? You look... rough.

Riley stares. Can’t speak.
She looks at the oven -- cookies rising. The soft glow of
holiday lights.
Normal.
Too normal.
Riley swallows. Forces a weak smile.
RILEY
Yeah. Just a weird dream.
DING.
The oven timer chimes, bright and cheerful.
The three sisters snap their heads toward it, mechanically.
When they look back -- their smiles are wider.
Their teeth are... different.
LILLY
Cookies are ready.
BROOKE
We made them for you, Riley.
CHELSEA
White chocolate chip. Your
favorite.
As they turn, Riley glimpses their backs --
Fabric seams run down their spines -- stitched tight.
Something dark seeps through the threads.
Riley stumbles back.
Brooke places the tray of cookies on the counter.
Fresh cookies steam -- curling upward.
Brooke and Chelsea wear oven mitts and move in eerie
synchronicity.
The cookies look perfect.
Golden. White chocolate chips dot the surface.
Riley, wary, edges closer.

The oven light flickers.
Her face turns pale.
The white chocolate chips are NOT white chocolate chips --
They're HUMAN TEETH.
Brooke plucks one up -- blows on it. Takes a bite --
CRUNCH.
She chews.
Riley gags, staggers back.
RILEY
Oh my God.
Brooke leans forward, teeth clacking as she chews.
The lights flicker. The air grows thick.
In the reflection of the kitchen window --
THREE SHADOWY FIGURES stand behind her --
Jane. Chrissy. Meghan.
From deep in the house --
Sue’s LAUGHTER. Cruel. Maternal -- carries through the walls.
She leans against the wall -- jerks back.
The wall is HAIR --
Woven, pressed flat, rippling like it’s underwater.
Riley inhales -- in four. Hold. Exhales -- out six.
The wallpaper bulges outward, inhaling like a lung.
Strands snake free, dangling down like vines in a cave.
The air stinks -- sweet rot and burned keratin.
The wallpaper SPLITS --
Hair ERUPTS -- long, wet, slithering.
Twitching. Tasting. Searching.
One brushes her cheek.

Riley recoils, swats it.
Another strand slides across her throat like a razor.
She slaps it down --
It writhes on the floor, twitching like a worm.
Suddenly --
DOZENS erupt at once, flooding the room.
They lash around her -- caressing, choking.
One pries between her lips, forcing itself down her throat.
Riley gags, thrashing. Her eyes bulge.
Riley grabs her knife from its sheath -- thrusts it into the
strands.
SHRIEEEEK.
Strands split -- recoil.
The wall writhes.
Beneath the strands --
FACES.
Dozens of faces. Pale, pressed flat. Mouths frozen open in
eternal screams.
Their mouths gape wider, impossibly wide -- black throats
spilling sound like static.
The strands lash again, faster.
One pins her arm to the wall.
Another slides into her ear canal --
SUE (V.O.)
(cruel whisper)
A good house keeps its traditions.
Riley squeezes her eyes shut -- grounds herself.
Then slams her knife into the wall --
Faces SHRIEK. Hair writhes, coiling back.
Riley whirls around --

Brooke, Chelsea, and Lilly are gone.
In their place --
GARY, DEAN, and ZANE -- their eyes glowing yellow.
The oven’s heat warps the air around them.
ZANE (V.O.)
(Lilly's voice - layered,
warped)
We made them for you, Riley.
They step forward like broken marionettes, splintering the
air.
Riley staggers back, eyes darting --
The temperature drops. Her breath fogs.
The oven door BURSTS OPEN, flames belching teeth instead of
heat.
Gnashing. Grinning. Hungry.
Riley bolts --
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Psychological"]

Summary In this chilling scene, Riley enters her seemingly normal home only to discover her sisters, Chelsea, Brooke, and Lilly, baking cookies in a bizarrely unsettling manner. Their friendly demeanor quickly turns sinister as Riley notices their unnatural smiles and the horrifying truth about the cookies. As the atmosphere shifts to horror, she confronts writhing hair attacking her and faces shadowy figures in the reflection. The scene escalates with the appearance of menacing figures and a fiery oven, culminating in Riley's desperate escape from the kitchen's nightmarish transformation.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Creating a chilling atmosphere
  • Eerie imagery
  • Effective use of supernatural elements
Weaknesses
  • Possible confusion due to rapid escalation of horror elements
  • Some elements may be too disturbing for sensitive audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension and horror through a series of disturbing events, creating a sense of dread and fear. The use of hair and teeth as unsettling elements, along with the sudden transformation of the environment, adds to the overall impact of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of blending supernatural horror with psychological terror is executed brilliantly in this scene, using hair, teeth, and ghostly figures to create a sense of unease and fear. The incorporation of these elements adds depth to the overall concept of the haunting.

Plot: 9

The plot is effectively advanced through the escalating supernatural events, the revelation of dark secrets, and the characters' interactions with the eerie environment. The scene contributes significantly to the overall plot development and mystery of the story.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its fresh approach to blending domestic settings with horror elements, such as the transformation of characters and the surreal imagery of the hair-covered walls. The dialogue and actions feel authentic and contribute to the scene's unsettling nature.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' reactions to the supernatural occurrences, their eerie behavior, and the subtle hints at their true nature add depth and intrigue to the scene. The portrayal of fear, confusion, and dread enhances the overall character dynamics.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo subtle changes in their behavior and perceptions as they confront the supernatural threats and dark revelations. Their reactions to the eerie environment and disturbing events hint at deeper character development and hidden motives.

Internal Goal: 9

Riley's internal goal is to navigate the surreal and terrifying events unfolding before her, grappling with her own perception of reality and the fear that she may be trapped in a nightmarish scenario.

External Goal: 8

Riley's external goal is to escape the nightmarish situation and the transformed individuals in the kitchen, driven by the immediate threat and danger she faces.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.3

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing supernatural threats, eerie transformations, and disturbing revelations. The escalating tension and sense of danger contribute to the overall conflict in the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Riley facing overwhelming and nightmarish obstacles that challenge her perception of reality and her ability to escape the terrifying situation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing supernatural dangers, eerie transformations, and disturbing revelations that threaten their safety and sanity. The escalating threats and sense of dread raise the stakes and intensify the suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by revealing dark secrets, escalating the supernatural threats, and deepening the mystery surrounding the characters and their haunted environment. The progression of events adds depth to the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable due to its surreal and nightmarish elements, constantly subverting expectations and escalating the tension in unexpected ways.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The scene presents a philosophical conflict between appearance and reality, as the seemingly normal setting is gradually revealed to be a facade hiding dark and disturbing truths. This challenges Riley's beliefs about trust and perception.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, shock, and disgust in the audience through its chilling events and eerie atmosphere. The sense of dread and unease created by the supernatural occurrences enhances the emotional resonance of the scene.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' fear, shock, and confusion in response to the supernatural events. The eerie exchanges and subtle hints at darker intentions enhance the overall atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of suspense, horror, and mystery, keeping the audience on edge and invested in Riley's harrowing experience.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of events that keeps the audience engaged and on edge.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a horror genre screenplay, effectively conveying the scene's visuals and pacing.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured progression from normalcy to horror, effectively building tension and suspense. The formatting aligns with the genre's expectations, enhancing the scene's impact.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by starting with a false sense of normalcy in the living room and kitchen, which contrasts sharply with the escalating horror, creating a strong shock value that aligns with the overall film's theme of psychological dread and supernatural illusions. This approach helps the audience feel Riley's disorientation and fear, making the horror more immersive and personal, as it plays on the comfort of familiar settings turning nightmarish.
  • However, the rapid escalation of horrific elements—such as the cookie transformation, the hair emerging from walls, and the appearance of faces—might overwhelm the viewer, potentially diluting the impact of each individual scare. In a horror screenplay, spacing out reveals can allow for better build-up and emotional processing, but here it feels somewhat cluttered, which could make the sequence less memorable and harder to follow in a fast-paced narrative.
  • The reappearance of Chelsea, Brooke, and Lilly, especially Lilly who was just killed in the previous scene, risks confusing the audience unless the illusionary nature is made explicitly clear. While it's implied through mechanical movements and seams, a more immediate cue—such as a subtle visual distortion or Riley's internal monologue—could reinforce that this is part of the curse, ensuring consistency with the story's logic and preventing plot holes that might pull viewers out of the immersion.
  • Dialogue in the scene, while functional for establishing the initial normalcy, comes across as somewhat generic and lacks depth, particularly in lines like 'Hey, sleepyhead. We're making cookies.' This doesn't fully capitalize on the characters' established backstories; for instance, incorporating hints of their personalities or past interactions could make the illusion more convincing at first, heightening the betrayal when the horror is revealed.
  • Riley's use of breathing exercises and her decisive actions with the knife demonstrate strong character consistency, tying back to her coping mechanisms from earlier scenes and her proactive nature. However, the scene could benefit from more internal emotional depth, such as a brief flashback or thought about her trauma with Ethan, to better connect the supernatural events to her personal arc, making her struggle feel more layered and emotionally resonant rather than purely reactive.
  • Visually, the scene is rich with evocative imagery—like the hair strands acting like living entities and the faces embedded in the wall—which enhances the surreal horror. Yet, this visual intensity might overshadow the auditory elements, such as Sue's voice-over and the shrieking sounds, leading to a sensory overload that could make the horror feel less focused. Balancing these elements could create a more cohesive and terrifying experience.
Suggestions
  • Slow down the pacing in the kitchen sequence by adding a few beats of seemingly innocuous interaction between Riley and her 'friends' to build suspense before the first reveal, allowing the audience to relax momentarily and making the horror payoff more impactful.
  • Clarify the illusionary nature of the characters' reappearance by including a visual or auditory hint early on, such as a glitch in their movements or a faint echo in their voices, and have Riley explicitly recognize it in her thoughts or dialogue to maintain narrative clarity and avoid confusion with previous events.
  • Refine the dialogue to be more character-specific; for example, have Chelsea reference a past event from earlier scenes to make the initial normalcy more believable, then twist it into something sinister to heighten the emotional stakes and deepen the illusion's deception.
  • Reduce the number of simultaneous horror elements by focusing on one or two key visuals, like the hair walls and the cookie teeth, to prevent overload; this could involve cutting or delaying some reveals to emphasize their terror and give the audience time to absorb each one.
  • Incorporate a subtle emotional tie-in to Riley's backstory, such as a quick cut to a memory of Ethan during her breathing exercise, to strengthen the connection between the supernatural horrors and her personal trauma, enhancing character development and thematic depth.
  • Improve the integration of sound and visuals by emphasizing auditory cues, like amplifying Sue's laughter or the shrieking faces, to complement the visuals without overwhelming them, ensuring a balanced sensory experience that maintains tension throughout the scene.



Scene 24 -  Confronting the Chaos
INT. LIVING ROOM - SECONDS LATER
Riley rushes in -- hair wild, face pale.
The room swims around her.
The walls pulse like they’re breathing. The air is thick,
humid, heavy.
RILEY
(under breath)
Name it. Claim it. Fight it.
She braces herself. Inhales -- in four. Hold. Exhales -- out
six.
The lights flutter, flickering between shadow and surgical
brightness.
Then --
BOOM.
The grandfather clock EXPLODES -- shards of brass gears and
glass teeth scatter like shrapnel.

Around her --
WINDOWS ERUPT.
The blizzard invades the room, ravenous. Snow corkscrews
through the room like living ash.
Through the whiteout --
FOUR DREAM BOYS step in.
Identical movements, like marionettes pulled by one sick
hand.
Their smiles -- painted-on, lips too wide. Eyes gleam yellow.
Riley steadies herself, gripping tightly to the hair doll in
one hand, a trembling lighter in the other.
The pink phone vibrates on the coffee table -- throbbing in
sync with her pulse.
A low hum -- eager.
RILEY (CONT’D)
Return to sender.
(beat)
I’m coming for you, Sue.
Riley lunges for the stairs.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Thriller"]

Summary In a surreal and terrifying living room, Riley, disheveled and panicked, uses breathing techniques to steady herself amidst chaotic distortions, including an exploding grandfather clock and a blizzard invading the space. As four identical Dream Boys enter with eerie, synchronized movements, Riley clutches a hair doll and a lighter, determinedly declaring her intent to confront the source of her terror. The scene culminates with her lunging for the stairs, ready to face the looming threat.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Strong supernatural elements
  • Compelling character reactions
  • High emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Potential for overwhelming supernatural elements
  • Complexity of narrative progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through its supernatural elements, intense atmosphere, and escalating stakes. The execution is strong, creating a sense of dread and urgency that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene, focusing on supernatural manifestations and escalating threats, is strong and effectively executed. The incorporation of unique elements and the progression of the supernatural events add depth to the narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is crucial in advancing the story by introducing new supernatural elements, raising the stakes for the characters, and setting the stage for further developments. The scene contributes significantly to the overall narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique and surreal elements such as the exploding clock, invading blizzard, and eerie dream boys. The dialogue and actions of the characters add authenticity and depth to the unfolding events.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters in the scene react realistically to the escalating supernatural events, showcasing fear, determination, and desperation. Their actions and dialogue contribute to the tension and suspense of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters experience a shift in their perception of the supernatural threats, leading to increased fear and determination. Their reactions and decisions reflect the changing dynamics of the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to confront and overcome her fears or inner demons represented by the surreal events unfolding around her. Her mantra 'Name it. Claim it. Fight it.' suggests a desire to face her challenges head-on and regain control.

External Goal: 7.5

Riley's external goal is to confront Sue, indicated by her statement 'I’m coming for you, Sue.' This goal reflects the immediate challenge or threat she perceives from Sue.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing supernatural threats and escalating danger. The tension between the characters and the supernatural entities adds depth to the conflict, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Riley facing surreal and threatening forces that challenge her resolve and push her to confront her fears.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters facing supernatural entities and escalating danger. The threat to their lives and sanity creates a sense of urgency and peril, heightening the tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new supernatural elements, raising the stakes for the characters, and setting up further conflicts and revelations. It propels the narrative towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden and surreal events that unfold, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene could be the battle between facing one's fears and succumbing to them. Riley's determination to confront the surreal events and her inner demons contrasts with the eerie presence of the dream boys, embodying fear and uncertainty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, suspense, and desperation in the audience. The supernatural elements and character reactions intensify the emotional resonance of the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and motivations. It adds depth to the interactions and enhances the overall atmosphere of terror and suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful nature, the mysterious introduction of the dream boys, and Riley's determined yet vulnerable character.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a mix of fast-paced action and slower, atmospheric moments that enhance the overall impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene aligns with the genre's expectations by using visual cues and descriptive language to convey the surreal and tense atmosphere effectively.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure that enhances the sense of disorientation and suspense. It deviates from traditional formatting to create a more immersive experience for the audience.


Critique
  • This scene effectively escalates the horror and tension by continuing the relentless pursuit of supernatural elements, building on the chaos from the previous scene where Riley flees the kitchen horrors. The rapid succession of events—such as the exploding clock, bursting windows, and the entrance of the Dream Boys—creates a visceral sense of panic and disorientation, which mirrors Riley's psychological state and ties into the overall theme of inescapable trauma and the occult curse. However, the scene risks feeling overly familiar due to repeated motifs like pulsing walls, flickering lights, and synchronized movements, which have appeared in earlier scenes; this could dilute the impact if not varied, potentially making the horror less surprising for the audience and underscoring a need for more innovative visual language to maintain freshness in the climax.
  • Riley's character is portrayed consistently as resilient and proactive, using her breathing technique and declaring her intent to confront Sue, which provides a strong emotional anchor and showcases her growth from a victim of stalking to an active fighter against the curse. This moment humanizes her amidst the chaos, allowing readers to connect with her determination, but the scene lacks deeper insight into her internal conflict, such as a specific reference to her past with Ethan or the loss of her friends, which could enrich the emotional stakes and make her actions feel more personal and less formulaic. Additionally, the dialogue, while concise and impactful, is minimal and could benefit from more subtext or variation to avoid it feeling like a rote declaration, helping to deepen the audience's understanding of her motivations.
  • The sensory details are vivid and immersive, with elements like the humid air, swirling snow, and the vibrating phone effectively drawing the reader into the horror, enhancing the atmosphere of a house that feels alive and malevolent. However, the scene's brevity and high action density might overwhelm the audience, potentially sacrificing clarity for speed; for instance, the sudden introduction of the four Dream Boys could confuse viewers if their identical nature and yellow eyes aren't clearly distinguished from previous iterations, and the transition to Riley's movement toward the stairs feels abrupt, lacking a beat to let the horror sink in or to build anticipation for the next confrontation. Overall, while the scene successfully heightens suspense, it could better balance action with moments of reflection to allow the horror to resonate more profoundly within the narrative arc.
Suggestions
  • To add variety and prevent repetition, introduce a unique twist to the supernatural elements, such as having the Dream Boys' synchronized movements incorporate personal elements from Riley's past (e.g., one mimicking Ethan's grin) to make their threat more psychologically targeted and less generic, thereby increasing emotional engagement.
  • Expand Riley's dialogue or add internal monologue to provide more insight into her state of mind, such as a brief flashback to her stalking incident or a thought about her lost friends, which could heighten the emotional stakes and make her coping mechanisms feel more integrated into her character development.
  • Incorporate additional sensory details to enhance immersion, like the biting cold of the snow against her skin or the specific sound of the phone's hum distorting into something more ominous, and consider adding a short pause after a key event (e.g., the clock explosion) to build tension and give the audience a moment to absorb the horror before the next escalation.
  • Refine the pacing by ensuring smooth transitions between actions; for example, use a wider shot or a brief description of Riley's reaction to the Dream Boys' entrance to clarify their threat and maintain narrative flow, preventing the scene from feeling too rushed.
  • Strengthen the foreshadowing by emphasizing the hair doll and lighter in Riley's hands, perhaps with a subtle action like her thumb flicking the lighter to hint at its future use, which could create anticipation and make the scene more cohesive with the story's occult themes.



Scene 25 -  Descent into Madness
INT. FOYER - CONTINUOUS
Riley sprints up the staircase --
But the stairs STRETCH beneath her, elongating with every
step --
Old wood groans like a living throat.
The wallpaper around her wrinkles, bubbles -- faces press
outward -- mouths wide open.
Above her --
Dream Boys crawl along the banister like spiders.
Limbs bent wrong, their heads swivel in unison -- necks
crick.
DREAM BOYS (V.O.)
(overlapping, hypnotic)
Join us, Riley. Forever.

Riley shoves past reaching fingers, boots slamming into
melting wood.
Each stair behind her collapses -- sucked into a black,
bottomless void.
She keeps running.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Thriller"]

Summary In this nightmarish scene, Riley races up a stretching staircase in a foyer, battling against the supernatural forces around her. The stairs elongate and collapse into a void, while the wallpaper distorts with faces screaming in silence. The Dream Boys, with their eerie, spider-like movements, attempt to lure her with a hypnotic chant to 'Join us, Riley. Forever.' Despite the overwhelming terror and the environment's attempts to ensnare her, Riley pushes forward, determined to escape the horrors that pursue her.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Surreal setting
  • Escalating tension and fear
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development through dialogue
  • Focus primarily on external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension, fear, and suspense through its eerie setting, supernatural elements, and the escalating threat faced by Riley. The surreal and nightmarish quality of the staircase chase, combined with the presence of the Dream Boys, creates a highly engaging and intense sequence.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a surreal staircase chase with supernatural entities and distorted reality is intriguing and well-executed. The incorporation of the Dream Boys as haunting figures adds a unique and unsettling element to the scene, enhancing the overall horror and suspense.

Plot: 9.2

The plot of the scene effectively advances the narrative by intensifying the supernatural threats faced by the characters, particularly Riley. The escalating danger and sense of dread contribute to the overall progression of the story, leading to a climactic moment of terror and suspense.

Originality: 9

The scene exhibits a high level of originality through its surreal and nightmarish elements, such as the stretching stairs, melting wood, and Dream Boys. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the uniqueness of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

While the focus is primarily on Riley in this scene, the presence of the Dream Boys as supernatural entities adds depth to the character dynamics and heightens the stakes. Riley's determination and fear in the face of the escalating supernatural threats showcase her resilience and courage.

Character Changes: 8

While Riley's character is further developed through her resilience and determination in the face of supernatural threats, the focus is more on the external conflict and terror she experiences rather than significant internal character changes.

Internal Goal: 8

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to resist the temptation and allure of the Dream Boys, symbolizing her inner struggle with her desires, fears, and the unknown. It reflects her need to stay grounded and not succumb to the unknown forces around her.

External Goal: 7.5

Riley's external goal is to escape the surreal and nightmarish situation she finds herself in, represented by her running up the staircase as it collapses behind her. This goal reflects the immediate challenge she faces in this scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as Riley faces supernatural entities, distorted reality, and the threat of the Dream Boys. The escalating danger and sense of impending doom create a high level of conflict that drives the tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Riley facing difficult-to-overcome challenges represented by the surreal environment and the temptation of the Dream Boys, creating uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as Riley confronts supernatural entities, distorted reality, and the malevolent presence of the Dream Boys. The escalating danger and sense of impending doom raise the stakes for the characters, increasing the tension and fear.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by escalating the supernatural threats faced by the characters, particularly Riley. The introduction of the Dream Boys and the surreal staircase chase add depth to the narrative and propel the plot towards a climactic confrontation.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the surreal and nightmarish elements that constantly challenge the protagonist and keep the audience guessing about what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the choice between succumbing to the unknown and embracing the surreal world represented by the Dream Boys or fighting against it to maintain one's sense of reality and self. This challenges Riley's beliefs, values, and worldview as she navigates this surreal environment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact due to its intense and terrifying atmosphere, evoking fear, anxiety, and desperation in the audience. The surreal and nightmarish elements heighten the emotional response, creating a sense of dread and unease.

Dialogue: 8

The scene relies more on visual and atmospheric elements rather than dialogue to convey fear and suspense. The limited dialogue enhances the eerie and tense atmosphere, allowing the visuals and actions to drive the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful nature, keeping the audience on edge as Riley navigates the surreal environment and faces the unknown.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with the rhythmic progression of events mirroring Riley's escalating struggle against the surreal forces around her.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene aligns with the genre's expectations, effectively conveying the surreal and nightmarish elements through concise and vivid descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively conveys the surreal and tense atmosphere, following the expected format for a genre that blends elements of horror and fantasy.


Critique
  • This scene effectively escalates the horror by continuing the pursuit motif from previous scenes, creating a sense of relentless danger and building on Riley's desperation. The supernatural distortions—such as the stretching stairs, bubbling wallpaper with faces, and spider-like Dream Boys—deliver vivid, visceral imagery that immerses the audience in a nightmarish environment, reinforcing the theme of psychological terror and the house's malevolent agency. However, this reliance on familiar horror tropes (e.g., elongating corridors and collapsing structures) risks feeling repetitive if similar elements were prominent in earlier scenes, potentially desensitizing the audience and reducing the impact of the scare. Additionally, while Riley's physical actions (shoving past fingers, running) show her determination, her character comes across as primarily reactive, with little insight into her internal thoughts or emotional state, which could make her feel less relatable or empowered in a story that hinges on her resilience against trauma. The voice-over dialogue from the Dream Boys is hypnotic and adds to the eerie atmosphere, but it lacks specificity to Riley's personal fears, making it somewhat generic and less impactful compared to more tailored taunts in scenes like 22 or 23. Furthermore, the scene's focus on visual spectacle might overshadow opportunities for deeper thematic exploration, such as connecting the 'join us forever' line more explicitly to Riley's backstory with Ethan or the occult elements introduced earlier, which could enrich the narrative cohesion and heighten the stakes.
  • The pacing in this scene is intense and fast-paced, mirroring Riley's frantic escape and maintaining high tension, which is appropriate for a climactic build-up in a horror screenplay. However, the brevity of the scene (estimated at 30-45 seconds based on description) might make it feel like a transitional moment rather than a fully realized beat, potentially serving more as a connector between scenes 24 and 26 than as a standalone sequence with its own arc. This could dilute its emotional weight, especially since the horrors described (e.g., collapsing stairs into a void) are similar to elements in scene 24's chaos, suggesting a pattern of escalating but somewhat formulaic scares that don't evolve the conflict in a unique way. Visually, the descriptions are cinematic and evocative, with strong use of sound (groaning wood, crick-neck sounds) and movement (crawling Dream Boys), but the wallpaper faces and reaching fingers might be too on-the-nose for body horror, lacking the subtlety that could make the scares more psychologically disturbing. Lastly, while the scene ends on a note of persistence with Riley continuing to run, it doesn't provide a clear progression in her character arc or the overall plot, as her escape feels inevitable rather than earned, which could make the audience question the purpose of this moment in the larger narrative.
  • From a screenwriting perspective, this scene excels in using environmental storytelling to convey horror without relying heavily on dialogue, allowing the visuals and actions to drive the tension, which is a strength in horror genres where 'show, don't tell' is crucial. The integration with the previous scene is seamless, picking up directly from Riley's lunge toward the stairs in scene 24, which helps maintain momentum in a fast-paced script. However, the lack of variation in the pursuit dynamic—Riley is constantly fleeing similar supernatural forces across multiple scenes—might exhaust the audience's suspense, as it doesn't introduce new elements or twists that could refresh the tension. Character-wise, Riley's minimal reaction beyond physical exertion limits the depth of her portrayal; for instance, incorporating a brief flashback or a muttered reference to her breathing exercises (as seen in other scenes) could ground her response in her established coping mechanisms, making her more three-dimensional. Additionally, the Dream Boys' appearance and behavior, while creepy, could benefit from more distinct motivations or ties to the overarching demonology (e.g., Asmodeus from earlier scenes), to avoid them feeling like generic antagonists. Overall, while the scene contributes to the film's atmosphere of dread, it might not advance the plot or character development as effectively as it could, potentially making it feel like filler in a tightly structured 31-scene script.
Suggestions
  • To avoid repetition and refresh the horror elements, introduce a unique twist in this chase scene, such as having the stairs not just stretch but transform into something personal to Riley, like fragments of her past trauma with Ethan, to make the pursuit more psychologically targeted and less generic.
  • Enhance Riley's agency and emotional depth by adding a short internal monologue or a physical action that shows her actively resisting, such as whispering her mantra 'Name it. Claim it. Fight it' from scene 24, or using an object like the hair doll to counter the Dream Boys, tying it back to her occult knowledge and making her feel more proactive.
  • Refine the visual descriptions to ensure they are filmable and original; for example, specify how the wallpaper faces differ from standard tropes by incorporating elements from the script's lore, like resembling the missing sorority girls or Ethan, to deepen thematic connections and avoid clichés.
  • Vary the pacing by incorporating a brief moment of false security or a sudden shift in the environment mid-scene, such as the stairs momentarily stabilizing to lure Riley into a false sense of relief, which could heighten tension when the horror resumes and make the scene more dynamic.
  • Strengthen the dialogue by making the Dream Boys' voice-over more specific to Riley's fears, such as referencing her abandonment issues or the 'hair binds' motif, to increase emotional stakes and better integrate with the story's themes, while ensuring it doesn't overshadow the visual storytelling.



Scene 26 -  Nightmare Pursuit
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT
Riley barrels forward --
The hallway ahead blooms wider, then narrows -- breathing in
and out, like a throat.
Runners of hair spill from door seams, threading into ropes
that snake across the floor.
They lash at her ankles, tightening -- hungry to pull her
down.
Riley leaps aside, slipping free.
Her boots skid across warped floorboards.
The nearest bedroom door DISSOLVES -- erasing like a bad
memory --
Then suddenly reappears on the opposite wall, farther away.
Her breath clouds the air, frosting over her lips.
Behind her --
FOOTSTEPS.
Slow. Many. Inhuman. Getting closer.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Thriller"]

Summary In a surreal and hostile upstairs hallway, Riley desperately navigates a nightmarish environment where the walls pulse like a breathing throat and hair strands transform into lashing ropes that threaten to ensnare her. As she evades these supernatural elements, the hallway morphs, with doors dissolving and reappearing farther away, intensifying her disorientation. The atmosphere grows colder, and the sound of inhuman footsteps approaches, heightening the tension as she races against an unseen pursuer.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Eerie atmosphere
  • Supernatural elements
  • Character fear and desperation
Weaknesses
  • Limited character interaction
  • Sparse dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through its eerie elements, supernatural occurrences, and the imminent threat felt by the protagonist. The execution of horror elements is strong, keeping the audience engaged and on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a haunted hallway with supernatural phenomena is intriguing and well-executed. The scene effectively conveys a sense of dread and impending danger through its unique elements.

Plot: 9.2

The plot progression in this scene is crucial as it heightens the stakes and sets the stage for further conflict and resolution. The escalating danger and the protagonist's struggle to escape contribute significantly to the overall narrative tension.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and original take on a suspenseful situation by blending elements of horror and fantasy. The supernatural aspects and the surreal setting contribute to the scene's authenticity and uniqueness.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

While the focus is more on the environment and supernatural elements, the characters' reactions and fears add depth to the scene. The sense of desperation and fear in Riley's actions enhances the audience's connection to the unfolding events.

Character Changes: 8

While there isn't significant character development in this scene, Riley's fear and determination showcase a shift in her emotional state and resilience in the face of danger.

Internal Goal: 8

Riley's internal goal in this scene is likely survival or escape. Her actions and reactions suggest a deep-seated fear and a desire to overcome the threatening environment she finds herself in.

External Goal: 7

Riley's external goal is to evade the unknown and potentially dangerous entity represented by the approaching footsteps. Her immediate challenge is to navigate the shifting and hostile environment to stay safe.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, from the supernatural entities to the protagonist's struggle to escape. The escalating danger and sense of impending doom create a high level of conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Riley facing a mysterious and potentially deadly force that adds uncertainty and tension to her predicament. The audience is left unsure of the outcome, increasing the stakes.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are evident in the protagonist's life-threatening situation, the supernatural entities pursuing her, and the sense of imminent danger. The scene conveys a sense of urgency and peril.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by increasing the stakes, introducing new supernatural elements, and setting up further conflicts. It serves as a pivotal moment in the narrative progression.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the constantly shifting environment and the unknown entity pursuing Riley. The unexpected twists and surreal elements keep the audience guessing and create a sense of suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene could be the struggle between the known and the unknown, the familiar and the unfamiliar. Riley is faced with a situation that challenges her beliefs about reality and tests her ability to confront the supernatural.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and tension in the audience, creating a strong emotional impact. The supernatural elements and the protagonist's desperate situation resonate with the viewers, intensifying the emotional response.

Dialogue: 8

Dialogue plays a minor role in this scene, with the emphasis placed more on the atmospheric elements and physical actions. However, the sparse dialogue effectively conveys the characters' fear and urgency.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it keeps the audience on edge with its eerie atmosphere, mysterious elements, and the protagonist's desperate struggle to survive. The vivid descriptions and suspenseful pacing draw readers in and hold their attention.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, with a balance of slower moments to build suspense and faster sequences to heighten the sense of danger. The rhythm of the scene enhances the atmosphere and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting aligns with the genre expectations, utilizing visual cues and descriptive language to create a vivid and immersive experience for the reader. It enhances the supernatural elements and the sense of danger.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, following a non-linear progression that mirrors the disorienting nature of the environment. The formatting enhances the eerie atmosphere and sense of unease.


Critique
  • The scene effectively amplifies the surreal horror atmosphere established in previous scenes, using dynamic environmental changes like the breathing hallway and lashing hair strands to create a visceral sense of pursuit and disorientation. This helps immerse the reader in Riley's panic, making the horror feel personal and immediate, which is crucial for maintaining tension in a chase sequence. However, the reliance on similar motifs, such as the hair elements, might start to feel repetitive if they've been heavily featured earlier, potentially desensitizing the audience to the threat and reducing its impact over time.
  • Riley's actions are well-described and convey a strong sense of urgency and desperation, which aligns with her character's arc of resilience against supernatural forces. The visual and auditory elements, like the dissolving door and inhuman footsteps, build suspense effectively, drawing the viewer into the escalating danger. That said, the scene lacks deeper insight into Riley's internal state; while her physical reactions are vivid, there's little exploration of her thoughts or emotions, which could make her struggle feel more mechanical and less relatable, especially in a psychologically driven horror story.
  • The surreal distortions of the hallway contribute to the theme of reality bending under supernatural influence, a consistent motif in the script. This scene successfully heightens the stakes by making the environment an active antagonist, which is a strong horror technique. However, the rapid succession of bizarre events—widening/narrowing hallway, hair ropes, door relocation—might overwhelm the audience, risking confusion or a loss of clarity in the action. Ensuring that each element is clearly motivated and tied to the larger narrative could help maintain coherence.
  • The ending with the approaching footsteps creates a classic cliffhanger, leaving the audience on edge and eager for the next scene. This pacing choice works well in a horror context, building anticipation. Nevertheless, as part of a longer chase sequence (from scenes 24-25), this scene risks feeling like a redundant extension rather than a progression, as it doesn't introduce significant new conflicts or revelations. Adding a twist or character-driven moment could elevate it from mere escalation to meaningful development.
  • Overall, the scene's brevity and focus on action suit the genre, emphasizing visual storytelling over dialogue. The descriptions are cinematic and evocative, aiding in visualization for readers or filmmakers. However, in the context of the entire script, which is rich in psychological and supernatural layers, this scene could benefit from more integration with Riley's personal history, such as referencing her past trauma with Ethan, to deepen the emotional resonance and make the horror more thematically cohesive.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate subtle internal monologue or sensory details to reveal Riley's thoughts, such as her recalling a specific fear or mantra from earlier scenes, to add emotional depth and make her reactions more nuanced and engaging.
  • Vary the supernatural elements to avoid repetition; for example, introduce a new threat or twist in the hallway, like a sudden auditory hallucination tied to a previous character, to keep the audience surprised and maintain freshness in the horror.
  • Ensure clearer transitions between environmental changes by grounding them in cause-and-effect, such as linking the hallway's breathing to a specific entity or sound cue, to improve clarity and prevent the scene from feeling too abstract or disorienting.
  • Add a brief moment of character agency or decision-making, like Riley using an object from her inventory (e.g., the hair doll) in a small way, to advance her arc and show progression rather than just reaction, enhancing the scene's narrative weight.
  • Connect the scene more explicitly to broader themes by including a visual or auditory callback to earlier motifs, such as the sigil or Ethan's influence, to reinforce thematic consistency and build toward the climax without overloading the action.



Scene 27 -  The Banquet of Shadows
INT. UPSTAIRS LANDING - CONTINUOUS
A lone candle burns on the landing --
Its flame is black, licking up oily sparks of darkness.
From the shadows...
SUE steps forward. Porcelain skin. Perfect hair.
Her eyes -- ancient. Bottomless.

SUE
(sweet, venomous)
Every fifty years... The house must
be fed.
Behind her --
Dream Boys emerge from the walls like puppets untucked from
velvet.
They bow in unison.
Their jaws slack. Lips part in silent devotion.
Sue raises her hands, graceful like a bride at the altar.
SUE (CONT’D)
And tonight...
You’re the banquet.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Thriller"]

Summary In a dimly lit upstairs landing, a candle with a black flame casts an eerie glow as Sue, a menacing figure with porcelain skin and ancient eyes, reveals a dark ritual that occurs every fifty years to feed the house. As she speaks in a sweet yet venomous tone, multiple Dream Boys emerge from the walls, bowing in silent devotion, emphasizing their eerie subservience. Sue ominously declares that tonight, the unseen addressee is the banquet for this feeding ritual, heightening the suspense and supernatural horror.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Eerie atmosphere
  • Menacing characters
  • Revealing crucial plot information
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension and sets a chilling atmosphere with its eerie tone, menacing characters, and foreboding revelations. The introduction of the Dream Boys and Sue's cryptic statements enhance the supernatural elements, creating a sense of impending doom and escalating the stakes.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of the house needing to be fed every fifty years and the introduction of the Dream Boys as ominous entities are intriguing and add depth to the supernatural elements of the story. The scene effectively conveys a sense of mystery and impending danger.

Plot: 9

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene through the revelation of the house's dark history and the introduction of the Dream Boys as malevolent entities. The scene sets up high stakes and foreshadows the dangers the characters will face, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique ritualistic setting with enigmatic characters and a sense of foreboding. The dialogue and actions feel fresh and intriguing, adding authenticity to the characters' motivations and interactions.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Sue is portrayed as a menacing and enigmatic figure, while the Dream Boys add a sinister presence to the scene. The characters' interactions and reactions effectively convey fear and tension, enhancing the overall atmosphere.

Character Changes: 8

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' reactions to the ominous revelations and the introduction of the Dream Boys hint at their evolving perceptions and responses to the supernatural threats they face.

Internal Goal: 8

Sue's internal goal in this scene is to assert her power and control over the situation. This reflects her deeper desire for dominance and possibly a sense of fulfillment through the ritual she is conducting.

External Goal: 7

Sue's external goal is to carry out the ritual of feeding the house, which reflects the immediate challenge she faces in maintaining the tradition and possibly her position of authority.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is palpable, with the revelation of the house needing to be fed every fifty years creating a sense of impending danger and raising the stakes for the characters. The presence of the Dream Boys adds a menacing element to the conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the conflict between tradition and morality creating a sense of uncertainty and tension that keeps the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with the revelation that the house must be fed every fifty years and the ominous presence of the Dream Boys signaling imminent danger for the characters. The scene sets up a sense of urgency and impending peril.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the house's dark history, introducing new supernatural elements, and raising the stakes for the characters. The scene sets the stage for the escalating conflict and impending danger.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected nature of the ritual, the mysterious characters' intentions, and the underlying conflicts that hint at unforeseen developments.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the acceptance of tradition and the sacrifice required for it. Sue's belief in the necessity of feeding the house clashes with the potential moral implications of sacrificing others for this purpose.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes fear, dread, and terror in the audience through its eerie atmosphere, menacing characters, and foreboding revelations. The emotional impact is heightened by the escalating tension and the sense of impending doom.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is minimal but impactful, with Sue's cryptic statements and the Dream Boys' silent devotion adding to the scene's eerie tone. The dialogue effectively conveys the sense of foreboding and impending danger.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dark and mysterious setting, enigmatic characters, and the tension created by the ritualistic elements and conflicts introduced.

Pacing: 8

The pacing effectively builds tension and suspense, drawing the audience into the scene's mysterious and foreboding atmosphere, enhancing its overall impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting aligns with the genre expectations, using visual cues and descriptive language to enhance the scene's atmosphere and character dynamics.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-traditional structure that enhances its mysterious and suspenseful tone, deviating from conventional setups to create a more engaging narrative.


Critique
  • This scene effectively heightens the supernatural tension by directly confronting the protagonist with the antagonist's revelation, building on the chase from the previous scenes. The visual elements, such as the black-flamed candle and the Dream Boys emerging from the walls, are vivid and contribute to the eerie atmosphere, reinforcing the horror genre's reliance on unsettling imagery to evoke fear. However, the scene feels somewhat abrupt and expository, with Sue's dialogue delivering key plot information (the 50-year feeding cycle) in a way that tells rather than shows, which can reduce emotional impact and make the revelation feel forced rather than organic. As a pivotal moment in the climax, it could benefit from more buildup to allow the audience to process the horror, especially since the immediate continuity from a high-action chase might not give enough contrast in pacing, potentially overwhelming the viewer without a moment of respite.
  • Character development is minimally explored here; Sue's portrayal as a venomous, ancient figure is compelling, but her dialogue lacks subtlety, coming across as on-the-nose exposition that prioritizes plot advancement over character depth. This could alienate viewers who prefer nuanced antagonists, as Sue's sweet yet venomous tone is a good start but could be enhanced with actions or subtext that reveal her motivations more gradually. Additionally, Riley's absence in the active frame of this scene snippet is notable—while it's implied she's the target, not showing her reaction or involvement diminishes the personal stakes, making the scene feel more like a set piece than a critical character moment in her arc of confronting trauma and the occult.
  • In terms of overall story integration, the scene successfully escalates the conflict by confirming the ritualistic elements established earlier, such as the 50-year cycle and the Dream Boys' role, which ties back to themes of possession and cyclical horror. However, the brevity of the scene (only a few lines) might make it feel underdeveloped, especially in a screenplay with 31 scenes, where this is near the end. This could result in a rushed climax if not balanced properly, and the silent devotion of the Dream Boys, while creepy, lacks variation in their presentation, potentially repeating visual motifs from earlier scenes without adding new layers of terror. To improve reader understanding, this scene serves as a key turning point that propels Riley toward the final confrontation, but it risks feeling formulaic if the horror elements aren't innovated upon to maintain audience engagement.
  • The tone of supernatural dread is well-maintained, with the candle's unnatural flame and the Dream Boys' puppet-like movements creating a sense of otherworldliness that aligns with the script's horror elements. Yet, the scene could be critiqued for over-relying on visual spectacle without sufficient auditory or sensory details to immerse the audience fully— for instance, the oily sparks and silent bows are strong, but incorporating sounds or smells could deepen the horror. From an educational perspective, this scene exemplifies how screenwriters use concise dialogue and visuals to advance plot in action-heavy sequences, but it highlights the need for balancing exposition with character-driven moments to avoid alienating the audience.
Suggestions
  • Expand the scene slightly to include Riley's immediate reaction, such as a close-up of her face showing fear or determination, to heighten emotional engagement and make the confrontation more personal, ensuring the audience connects the revelation to her character arc.
  • Refine Sue's dialogue to be less direct; for example, have her imply the 50-year cycle through symbolic actions or cryptic hints, allowing the audience to infer information and increasing suspense, while avoiding exposition dumps that can feel unnatural.
  • Add more dynamic elements to the Dream Boys' emergence, such as varying their movements or having one interact directly with Riley, to differentiate them from previous appearances and build unique tension, preventing repetition and enhancing the scene's originality.
  • Incorporate a brief pause or contrast in pacing before Sue's revelation, perhaps with a moment of eerie silence or a subtle environmental change, to create a rhythm shift that amplifies the horror and gives the audience a breath before the escalation.
  • Consider integrating more sensory details, like the sound of the candle's flame or the feel of the air, to make the scene more immersive and multi-dimensional, drawing the audience deeper into the supernatural elements and reinforcing the theme of the house as a living entity.



Scene 28 -  Climbing into the Unknown
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
Riley whirls --
Dream Boys surge from both ends of the hall, sliding forward
without lifting their feet --
Their perfect smiles split, revealing serrated teeth beneath.
Their eyes twitch -- flicker with restless, feeding hunger.
Above her --
The attic hatch CREAKS open.
A strange amber glow seeps out --
Moths swarm, hundreds of them, crawling over the ceiling like
a writhing skin.
From inside the hatch --
Sue’s LAUGHTER.
Warm. Terrible. Endless.
Riley pulls the hair doll from her coat.
Its stitched eyes snap open. Mouth twitches.
The air gets heavier. Hot.

Hair coils around her boots, her legs.
Something THUMPS above her. Heavy. Hungry. Waiting.
Below her --
Rhythmic footsteps get louder.
The Dream Boys march, climb.
There’s only one direction the house hasn’t sealed off.
Up.
A breath at her ear --
SUE (V.O.)
(silky, coiling)
Stop running, Riley. Be claimed.
Riley spins --
Nothing. Just walls that pulse—as if laughing at her fear.
The hair coils around her calves -- tightens. Pulls.
Riley kicks loose, scrambles, and grabs the attic ladder.
It drops down with a long, sick shriek.
She climbs.
Each rung is cold. Wet. Alive.
Dream Boys reach the base of the ladder --
Eyes upturned. Hands reaching.
Silent mouths open in worship.
Riley stares into the attic’s rising light.
Her breath hitches, hair-doll clenched to her chest.
She ascends.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense upstairs hallway, Riley is pursued by the sinister Dream Boys, their serrated smiles and hungry gazes closing in on her. As she faces the psychological torment of Sue's taunting voice and the animated hair doll that ensnares her, Riley fights to escape. With the attic hatch creaking open and a swarm of moths emerging, she kicks free from the hair's grip and scrambles up a living ladder, ascending into the eerie light of the attic, clutching the doll as she confronts the unknown.
Strengths
  • Eerie atmosphere
  • Escalating tension
  • Menacing characters
  • High stakes
  • Supernatural elements
Weaknesses
  • Potential for overwhelming visuals
  • Complexity of supernatural lore

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds upon the established supernatural horror elements, creating a palpable sense of dread and escalating tension. The eerie atmosphere, menacing characters, and high stakes contribute to a compelling and intense sequence.


Story Content

Concept: 9.1

The concept of the scene, focusing on supernatural entities, escalating threats, and a confrontation with malevolent forces, is well-developed and effectively realized. The incorporation of ritualistic elements and eerie visuals adds depth to the concept.

Plot: 9.2

The plot of the scene is crucial in advancing the narrative, introducing high stakes, and setting up a climactic confrontation between Riley and the supernatural entities. The escalating threats and revelations drive the tension and suspense forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique supernatural elements like the Dream Boys and the hair doll, creating an eerie and suspenseful setting. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and contribute to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene, particularly Riley, Sue, and the Dream Boys, are well-defined and contribute to the atmosphere of dread and suspense. Their interactions and behaviors enhance the sense of danger and impending conflict.

Character Changes: 9

Riley undergoes a significant transformation in the scene, facing escalating threats and confronting her fears. The encounter with the Dream Boys and Sue challenges her resolve and pushes her to confront the supernatural forces at play.

Internal Goal: 8

Riley's internal goal is to confront her fears and face the unknown, as seen through her actions of pulling out the hair doll and climbing into the attic despite the eerie surroundings. This reflects her deeper need for courage and resolution.

External Goal: 7.5

Riley's external goal is to escape the Dream Boys and the threatening situation in the hallway by climbing into the attic. This goal reflects the immediate challenge she is facing and the danger she perceives.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.3

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving physical threats, psychological terror, and supernatural elements. The confrontation between Riley and the Dream Boys, as well as Sue's ominous presence, heightens the conflict to a climactic level.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the Dream Boys and the supernatural elements presenting formidable obstacles for Riley. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are exceptionally high, with Riley facing supernatural entities, ominous rituals, and the threat of being consumed by malevolent forces. The danger, suspense, and impending confrontation raise the stakes to a critical level.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new threats, escalating the conflict, and setting up a climactic confrontation. The revelations and developments in the scene drive the narrative towards a crucial turning point.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden appearance of the Dream Boys, the supernatural elements like the hair doll, and the uncertain outcome of Riley's confrontation with the attic and Sue's voice.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between submission to fear and the unknown (represented by Sue's voice urging Riley to stop running and be claimed) versus defiance and resistance (Riley's actions of climbing into the attic despite the ominous surroundings). This challenges Riley's beliefs about control and agency in the face of danger.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.1

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, instilling fear, dread, and suspense. The high stakes, menacing characters, and eerie atmosphere contribute to the emotional impact of the sequence.

Dialogue: 8.8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys menace, tension, and the supernatural nature of the characters. Sue's cryptic statements and the Dream Boys' silent devotion add to the eerie atmosphere and heighten the sense of dread.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful and mysterious elements, keeping the audience on edge with the supernatural threats and Riley's escalating confrontation with fear.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds suspense and urgency, with a balance of slower moments for tension and faster sequences for action. The rhythm contributes to the scene's effectiveness in conveying fear and danger.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene effectively conveys the eerie atmosphere and tension through concise descriptions and impactful scene directions. It aligns with the expected format for a suspenseful screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured progression of events, building tension and suspense effectively. It adheres to the expected format for a suspenseful and supernatural genre.


Critique
  • The scene excels in building relentless tension and horror through a series of escalating supernatural threats, such as the Dream Boys' surge, the attic hatch opening, and the animated hair doll, which effectively draws the reader into Riley's desperate situation. However, the rapid accumulation of visual and auditory elements might overwhelm the audience, potentially diminishing the impact of individual scares by not allowing enough time for each to resonate emotionally or visually on screen.
  • Riley's character is portrayed with strong agency as she actively fights back against the horrors, which is a positive development in her arc, showing growth from earlier scenes where she was more reactive. That said, the scene could benefit from deeper insight into her internal state—perhaps through subtle facial expressions, brief flashbacks, or voice-over—to make her fear and determination more relatable and human, rather than relying solely on physical actions, which might make her feel somewhat one-dimensional in this high-stakes moment.
  • The use of sensory details, like the cold, wet ladder and the swarming moths, creates a visceral, immersive horror experience that aligns well with the script's occult themes. However, some elements, such as the hair coils and the moths, risk feeling clichéd within the horror genre, potentially reducing the scene's originality if not differentiated enough from similar tropes in films like those involving haunted houses or demonic possessions. This could make the scares less surprising for savvy viewers.
  • The dialogue, particularly Sue's voice-over taunt, adds a psychological layer to the pursuit, enhancing the sense of inevitability and dread. Yet, the voice-over might come across as too direct or expository, especially since it's a continuation from the previous scene, which could blunt its effectiveness; integrating it more organically through environmental sounds or Riley's perceptions might make it feel less like a narrative device and more like part of the immersive horror.
  • Overall, the scene serves as a strong transitional climax build-up, forcing Riley upward into the attic and maintaining the script's momentum. However, the supernatural logic—such as the hair doll animating and the house 'sealing off' directions—feels consistent with earlier established elements, but it could be tightened to avoid any perceived inconsistencies, ensuring that the audience doesn't question why certain threats manifest now versus earlier, which might pull them out of the suspension of disbelief.
Suggestions
  • To improve pacing, consider interspersing brief pauses or slower camera shots on Riley's reactions after key events (e.g., after the hair doll animates), allowing the audience a moment to absorb the horror and build anticipation for the next threat, which can make the scares more potent and less frantic.
  • Enhance character depth by adding subtle internal monologue or visual cues, such as Riley whispering a personal mantra or flashing back to a traumatic memory from earlier in the script, to convey her emotional state and make her struggle more engaging and empathetic for the viewer.
  • To add originality to familiar horror elements, introduce a unique twist, like having the moths carry faint whispers of past victims' voices or the hair coils leave behind a residue that affects Riley's perception, tying it more closely to the story's themes of belief and the occult, making the scene stand out from generic horror tropes.
  • Refine the voice-over dialogue by making it more ambiguous or layered—perhaps have Sue's words echo and distort as if coming from multiple sources in the house—or integrate it through diegetic sound (e.g., from a hidden speaker), to increase immersion and reduce the feeling of it being a direct address, thereby heightening the psychological terror.
  • Ensure supernatural consistency by cross-referencing with earlier scenes; for example, if the hair doll's animation is a key plot point, add a subtle foreshadowing element in a prior scene, or clarify its mechanics through Riley's actions, to strengthen the scene's logic and make the escalation feel earned rather than abrupt.



Scene 29 -  Confrontation in the Attic
INT. ATTIC - NIGHT
Riley shoulders the hatch.
WHOOF --
The air pressure collapses.

Cold sucks across her face. Her breath ghosts white.
The attic yawns open like a cathedral -- impossibly vast.
Rotted rafters crawl upward into darkness -- vanishing into
dark ribs.
Snow drifts through broken shingles.
In the center of the attic --
A SIGIL -- burned into the wooden floorboards.
A loop of jagged symbols is chalked and salted in a shape
like an open eye.
It pulses faintly -- like a heart under thin ice.
Candles burn at the edges of the circle -- their flames
black.
The game board and pink phone sit next to the sigil like an
altar.
The phone THUMPS against the floor.
Between sigil markings, floorboards fold apart with a wet
hinge.
AN OVAL MOUTH yawns open --
A throat.
Riley steadies herself -- shaky, but resolute.
She inhales -- in four. Hold. Exhales -- out six.
She steps forward.
From the MOUTH --
HANDS rise.
Three bodies climb out, their forms flickering like bad
reception --
Gary, Dean, Zane emerge, eyes glowing yellow.
Their mouths SMILE -- stretching too far. Cheeks split. Razor-
sharp teeth crowd their mouths.
The bodies jerk. Bones CRACK. Jaws unhinge.

They knot together -- twisting, fusing -- into a single rope
of hair and enamel.
It stands -- shudders.
Then --
A head pushes through the center mass.
EDDIE. Not flesh -- a sharpened idea.
His eyes -- dead.
FUSION EDDIE
I'll treat you right, Riley. No one
appreciates you like I do.
Rafters SNAP -- bending inward like ribs closing.
Frost spiders across window glass.
Outside -- rows of YELLOW EYES open in the dark.
Watching.
A SHADOW peels from the far wall -- resolving into --
Sue.
Half in, half out of glamour. Her skin flickers between
untouched -- rotted.
SUE
Tonight, the house collects again.
Riley’s eyes dart --
Sigil. MOUTH. Pink phone.
RILEY
You feed it. For what -- beauty?
Immortality?
Sue steps closer.
SUE
Because I serve thy master. And thy
master is eternal.
The pink phone RINGS.
BACKWARDS.
Wet. Wrong. Like metal dragged through meat.

FUSION EDDIE
Answer it, Riley. It’s your turn
now.
Riley’s breath catches.
She looks at the phone -- then at Eddie.
She unsheathes her knife -- secures it tight in her hand.
RILEY
You don't own me. You don't control
me. And you don’t get to look at me
ever again.
Eddie smirks, then lunges --
Riley rakes the knife across his stolen face. Black-red blood
pours out of the wound.
The knot HOWLS -- a chain of voices screaming over each
other.
Gary, Dean, Zane flicker back into existence -- each of them
seducing, snarling -- then re-fusing.
Eddie peels forward.
SUE
You can’t close what you didn’t
open, dear --
Riley EXPLODES forward -- sprinting -- tackles Sue.
The air seams -- wrinkles -- attic walls warp inward.
Sue’s glamour breaks -- skeletal in a flash, then human
again.
Then --
Riley shoves the hair doll into Sue’s palm --
Sue gasps -- steps back.
Riley steps closer -- clamping Sue's fingers around the hair
doll.
RILEY
Your pact. Feed it yourself.
The hair doll livens.

Threads of hair squirm, licking up Sue’s wrist, elbow, and
shoulder like a living suture.
SUE
Hold the line!
The fusion knot stutters -- then splits -- then slams back
together.
Eddie stands alone -- his face blurred, dissolving into --
ETHAN.
He staggers backward -- his face twisting -- breath coming in
glitches.
Suddenly --
BOARDS EXPLODE.
Skeletal arms wrapped in hair burst from below.
Three heads rise -- crowned in braided mats of hair and bone.
JANE. CHRISSY. MEGHAN.
Eyes glass-marble, smiles cracked with ice-deep grief.
They move with a terrifying grace -- hunger and sorrow in
equal measure.
They swarm Riley. Gentle. Merciless.
Hair spills into her mouth -- choking her.
Riley claws at her face -- hair forcing its way down her
throat like a living gag.
Sue watches -- smiling.
SUE (CONT’D)
The house protects me. Who protects
you, Riley? Who loves you?
Riley gags -- her voice trapped under hair.
Sue kneels close -- her voice venom-bright.
SUE (CONT’D)
No one will ever love a soul as
cracked as yours, Riley. But this
house will. It was built for the
broken. I was broken once, too. A
widow at nineteen.
(MORE)

SUE (CONT’D)
My husband was swallowed by the
war, and grief swallowed me. We
didn’t want closure. We wanted them
back. So we tried to call to the
dead -- believing our love was
enough to open the door. We opened
it.
But what answered wasn’t our boys.
It was something older. Hungrier.
And it offered me a choice -- feed
it every fifty years... Or join the
ones I mourned. That was a century
ago. The day I sold what was left
of my soul. You think I still have
a say in this? I don’t. And now --
neither do you.
The three girls from 1975 drag Riley -- on her back -- toward
the MOUTH.
Her nails tear grooves into the board, black hair threading
around her ankles and wrists -- yanking her closer.
The MOUTH widens.
Candles blow out.
Silence.
Then --
A RUMBLE.
Something stirs in the dark rafters.
Riley looks up -- choking -- just as --
THE SHADOW OF ASMODEUS APPEARS with three heads tiered: Man.
Bull. Ram.
Silhouetted. Towering. Watching.
The shadow incinerates the frost on the ceiling -- then
collapses inward.
ASMODEUS (V.O.)
(writhing, layered)
One more...
The shadow disappears.
Riley’s eyes gleam.
Inhales -- in four. Hold. Exhales -- out six.

Hair spills through her fingers -- she reaches up --
Grabs the gnarled face of Jane -- shakes her --
RILEY
You don’t belong to her. You don’t
belong to this house. And you don’t
belong to "him."
For the first time --
The girls hesitate.
A HUM swells -- black flames quiver.
Riley slices the pad of her thumb -- fresh blood wells.
She smears it across the sigil and drags her hand across old
chalk symbols.
The salt peels away --
The circle breaks like bone splintering.
RILEY (CONT’D)
Jane Dawkins. Chrissy Salters.
Meghan Siebert. I release you.
The attic roars.
The pink phone FLATLINES.
Wind reverses -- a tearing vacuum.
Ethan recoils -- the power of the MOUTH engulfing him --
Before he gets sucked into the dark abyss, he looks at Riley
one last time.
ETHAN
You're not done being mine.
He reaches --
RILEY
I was never yours.
Ethan gets ripped into HAIR AND TEETH --
The MOUTH feeds.
Sue watches, and for the first time, we see terror in her
eyes.

SUE
Hold the line. Do not break the
circle!
The 1975 girls look at her.
Then away.
They’re free.
Sue’s eyes widen.
She tries to run --
Riley catches her. Drags her to the edge of the MOUTH with
all the strength she has.
Hair sutures through Sue’s veins -- dragging her faster than
Riley’s strength alone.
Sue’s glamor rots off her like wet silk --
Beneath it -- a corpse with too many years.
SUE (CONT’D)
We had an agreement, Asmodeus!
Help me!
RILEY
Return to sender, bitch.
Riley shoves her --
Sue falls --
Hair rips from her like curtains tearing in a storm.
The MOUTH SLAMS SHUT.
Instant silence.
The candles blow out.
The pink phone DIES -- a single ember glow -- then black.
Riley collapses onto her hands and knees.
Her breath saws.
The attic settles like lungs after a final scream.
Then --
A voice. Quiet. Gentle.

JANE (O.S.)
(soft as snowfall)
Thank you.
Riley turns --
Jane, Chrissy, and Meghan stand one last time -- smiling.
They fade into the floorboards like dust returning home.
Riley forces herself upright, breath ragged but steady --
alive.
She surveys the wreckage --
The sigil -- slashed, its power lost.
The pink phone melted into a black slag.
Riley reaches into her pocket.
Her fingers brush the other hair doll -- the one with her and
her sisters' hair.
It twitches, faintly... like a pulse.
She takes the hair doll in her hand -- looks it in the eye
like a goodbye.
Then --
She crushes it. Hair snaps. The binding thread unravels.
The last of the magic dies in her fist.
Riley exhales -- the first breath that’s truly hers.
She wipes her face, blood and tears smearing into strength.
Then she climbs down through the hatch -- not fleeing, but
choosing her way out.
The house groans, starved -- finally still.
EXT. SORORITY HOUSE - MORNING
Snow crews shovel in silence, their breath rising in white
plumes.
TWO POLICEMEN tape flaps in jagged gusts.
Red and blue lights strobe across the Tudor façade.

EMTs hover around Riley.
She sits slumped, a blanket around her shoulders.
Her hands shake -- fists still clenched.
EXT. AMBULANCE - MORNING
Riley sits on the bumper.
A PARAMEDIC leans close, shining a penlight into her eyes.
PARAMEDIC
You’re lucky. Hypothermia’s the
real monster tonight.
Riley isn’t listening.
Her gaze -- fixed on the house. At the faint glow in the
attic window.
The paramedic clicks the penlight off.
PARAMEDIC (CONT’D)
You’re gonna be fine. Just a couple
of bumps and bruises.
A COP waves Riley toward a waiting cruiser.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Thriller"]

Summary In a chilling attic confrontation, Riley faces off against fused supernatural entities and the decayed servant Sue. As she navigates the horrors of a pulsing sigil and ghostly apparitions, Riley fights back with determination, ultimately breaking the sigil with her blood to release trapped spirits and vanquish her foes. The scene culminates in her crushing a hair doll, symbolizing the end of the dark magic, before transitioning to a morning outside where emergency services attend to her.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Effective pacing
  • Strong character development
  • Intriguing supernatural elements
  • Satisfying resolution
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion due to complex supernatural elements
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic or cliched

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is highly effective in building tension, delivering a climactic confrontation, and resolving key plot elements. It excels in creating a terrifying atmosphere and showcasing the characters' resilience.


Story Content

Concept: 9.1

The concept of a haunted house feeding ritual, demonic entities, and a battle against possession is intriguing and well-developed, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.

Plot: 9.4

The plot is gripping, with high stakes, intense conflict, and significant character development. It moves the story forward effectively while resolving key storylines and setting up future events.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its fresh approach to supernatural horror, unique character dynamics, and intricate world-building. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, facing their fears and making crucial decisions that drive the narrative forward. Their actions and dialogue reflect their growth and determination.

Character Changes: 9

Character growth is evident as the protagonist faces her fears, confronts the supernatural forces, and emerges stronger and more determined, showcasing a significant transformation.

Internal Goal: 9

Riley's internal goal is to assert her independence, reject control from external forces, and find her own strength and agency in the face of supernatural threats. This reflects her deeper need for autonomy and self-determination.

External Goal: 8

Riley's external goal is to break free from the supernatural entities' control, protect herself and others, and disrupt the dark rituals taking place in the attic. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of survival and overcoming powerful adversaries.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.3

The conflict is intense, with multiple layers of supernatural, internal, and external struggles converging to create a high-stakes confrontation that tests the characters' resolve.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with supernatural entities posing a significant threat to Riley's goals and safety. The audience is kept uncertain about the outcome, adding suspense and tension to the conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with the characters' lives, souls, and the fate of the haunted house hanging in the balance, creating a sense of urgency and importance to the events unfolding.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by resolving key plot points, introducing new challenges, and setting the stage for future developments, ensuring a dynamic and engaging narrative progression.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists, supernatural elements, and shifting power dynamics. The audience is kept on edge by the characters' actions and the escalating supernatural threats.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around themes of power, control, sacrifice, and the consequences of seeking immortality through dark rituals. It challenges Riley's beliefs about agency, sacrifice, and the nature of love and protection.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.1

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, tension, and triumph, engaging the audience and creating a memorable and impactful experience.

Dialogue: 8.8

The dialogue is impactful, reflecting the characters' emotions, motivations, and the supernatural elements at play. It enhances the tension and reveals key aspects of the characters' personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense atmosphere, suspenseful pacing, and emotional stakes. The supernatural elements, character conflicts, and dramatic confrontations keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension, suspense, and emotional impact. The rhythmic flow of action, dialogue, and description enhances the scene's intensity and engagement.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension, reveals character motivations, and advances the plot. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness and engagement.


Critique
  • The scene effectively serves as a climactic payoff, tying together motifs like the sigil, hair dolls, and Dream Boys from earlier scenes, which provides a satisfying resolution to the supernatural elements and Riley's personal trauma. However, the rapid succession of events—such as the fusion of characters, the appearance of ghosts, and the breaking of the sigil—can feel overwhelming, potentially diluting the emotional weight of key moments. For instance, Riley's confrontation with Ethan feels rushed, missing an opportunity to deeply explore her psychological victory over her past abuser, which could make the scene more cathartic for the audience.
  • Character development is strong in showing Riley's growth from victim to empowered survivor, especially through her affirmations and actions, but Sue's monologue about her backstory interrupts the action and comes across as expository. This revelation, while adding depth to Sue's motivations, feels somewhat forced and could be integrated more seamlessly to maintain momentum. Additionally, the Dream Boys' transformation and taunts are vivid, but their shifting identities (from Gary/Dean/Zane to Eddie to Ethan) might confuse viewers if not clearly connected to Riley's fears, risking a loss of focus on her internal conflict.
  • The visual and atmospheric elements are highly effective in building horror, with descriptions like the 'black flames' and the 'oval mouth' creating a visceral, nightmarish quality that aligns with the film's tone. That said, some elements, such as the sudden appearance of Asmodeus and the ghosts, rely heavily on shock value, which might overshadow the psychological horror established earlier in the script. This could make the scene feel more like a series of jump scares than a cohesive emotional climax, potentially reducing its lasting impact.
  • Dialogue is generally purposeful, with lines like Riley's 'You don't own me' delivering powerful agency, but certain exchanges, such as Sue's lengthy explanation of her pact, border on clichéd and slow the pace. The voice-over elements, like Asmodeus's speech, add to the eerie atmosphere but might not translate well on screen if they feel too abstract or overly reliant on narration, which could detract from the visual storytelling.
  • Thematically, the scene reinforces the script's exploration of trauma, control, and breaking cycles, particularly through Riley's use of the hair doll and blood to reclaim her agency. However, this is somewhat undermined by the quick resolution of the curse, which might not feel fully earned given the buildup across previous scenes. The transition to the exterior morning setting provides a strong contrast, but the shift from intense horror to abrupt relief could benefit from more subtle foreshadowing or a lingering sense of unease to maintain thematic consistency.
  • Pacing and structure are ambitious, fitting a lot into a single scene, but the density of action and revelations might challenge the audience's ability to process everything, especially in a visual medium. For example, the simultaneous handling of multiple antagonists (Sue, the fused Dream Boys, and the ghosts) creates a chaotic energy, but it risks overwhelming the viewer, making it harder to focus on Riley's emotional journey as the central thread.
Suggestions
  • To improve pacing, intersperse the high-action sequences with brief pauses for Riley's internal reflections or controlled breathing exercises, allowing the audience to absorb key emotional beats and build suspense before the next escalation.
  • Refine the dialogue by making Sue's backstory revelation more concise and integrated into the action—perhaps through fragmented flashbacks or subtle visual cues— to avoid exposition dumps and keep the focus on the present conflict.
  • Enhance the psychological horror by adding more sensory details or subtle callbacks to earlier scenes, such as incorporating Ethan's stalking elements into the Dream Boys' taunts, to make the confrontations feel more personal and less reliant on visual shocks.
  • Strengthen character moments by expanding Riley's affirmations into a short, intense monologue that directly addresses her traumas, ensuring her victory feels earned and providing a clearer arc for the audience to follow.
  • For visual clarity, simplify some of the more abstract elements, like the fusion of the Dream Boys, by using clearer transitions or symbolic representations that tie back to established motifs, making the scene easier to film and more impactful.
  • To reinforce themes, add a subtle visual or auditory motif during the resolution—such as a recurring sound or image from the opening scene—to create a bookend effect, emphasizing the cycle-breaking narrative and leaving a more resonant emotional aftertaste.



Scene 30 -  Haunting Reflections
INT. POLICE CRUISER - MORNING
Riley slides into the back seat. The door shuts with a padded
thunk.
The air smells of melting snow and burnt coffee.
She leans her forehead against the plexiglass divider.
Her reflection stares back -- hollow-eyed.
In the rearview mirror --
ETHAN sits in the seat behind her -- his smile gentle.
Riley’s breath stops.
She spins around --
The seat --
Empty.

The police radio CRACKLES.
Static builds, shifting into a dial tone.
Riley shuts her eyes tight, forcing her breath into rhythm.
She inhales -- in four. Hold. Exhales -- out six.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense morning scene inside a police cruiser, Riley enters the back seat and confronts her own hollow-eyed reflection. As she leans against the plexiglass divider, she hallucinates Ethan smiling at her from the rearview mirror, causing a moment of shock. Startled, she spins around to find the seat empty. The police radio crackles ominously, heightening her distress. To regain control, Riley practices a breathing exercise, focusing on her inhalations and exhalations, though her underlying psychological turmoil remains unresolved.
Strengths
  • Atmospheric tension
  • Supernatural elements
  • Character dynamics
  • Psychological horror
Weaknesses
  • Possible need for clearer resolution
  • Complexity of supernatural elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through its eerie atmosphere, supernatural elements, and the psychological impact on Riley. The use of sound, visuals, and character presence enhances the horror and suspense, making it a compelling and memorable moment.


Story Content

Concept: 9.1

The concept of a supernatural encounter in a police cruiser adds a unique twist to the horror genre. The scene effectively blends psychological horror with supernatural elements, creating a memorable and suspenseful moment.

Plot: 9.2

The plot progression in this scene is crucial as it sets up the final confrontation and resolution of the supernatural conflict. It builds on the tension and stakes established throughout the screenplay, leading to a climactic moment of horror.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring internal and external conflicts through sensory descriptions and character reactions. The authenticity of Riley's emotional response adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, particularly Riley and Ethan, are well-developed in this scene, with their interactions adding depth to the supernatural conflict. Riley's fear and determination, contrasted with Ethan's eerie presence, create a compelling dynamic.

Character Changes: 9

Riley undergoes a significant emotional journey in this scene, facing her fears and confronting supernatural forces. Her resilience and determination are highlighted, leading to a moment of character growth and empowerment.

Internal Goal: 8

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to confront her inner fears and anxieties, as reflected in her reaction to the reflection of her hollow-eyed self and the sudden disappearance of Ethan. This reflects her deeper need for reassurance and stability.

External Goal: 7.5

Riley's external goal is to understand the situation she is in and the disappearance of Ethan, reflecting the immediate challenge of uncertainty and potential danger she faces.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.3

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving supernatural entities, psychological terror, and the internal struggle of the characters. It creates a sense of urgency and danger, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the sudden disappearance of Ethan and the unsettling radio transmission creating a sense of tension and uncertainty that challenges Riley's perception of reality.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are high in this scene, with the characters facing supernatural entities, psychological terror, and the threat of being consumed by dark forces. The outcome of the confrontation will have significant consequences for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by escalating the supernatural conflict, setting up the final confrontation, and resolving key plot points. It builds on the tension and stakes established earlier in the screenplay.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden disappearance of Ethan and the unexpected shift in the radio transmission, keeping the audience on edge and uncertain about the direction of the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident is the contrast between Riley's internal fears and the external mystery she is confronted with. This challenges her beliefs about control and understanding in the face of uncertainty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.4

The scene has a high emotional impact due to the fear, tension, and psychological horror experienced by the characters. It evokes a strong sense of dread and anticipation, engaging the audience on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 8.8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys tension, fear, and the supernatural elements at play. It adds to the atmosphere and character development, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, intriguing character dynamics, and the sudden twist that leaves the audience eager to know more.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively enhances the suspense and emotional intensity, with well-timed pauses and sensory descriptions that create a rhythmic flow to the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected style for a screenplay, effectively conveying the visual and auditory elements of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured progression that effectively builds tension and mystery, aligning with the expected format for a suspenseful genre.


Critique
  • This scene effectively captures Riley's psychological state in the aftermath of intense horror, using her hallucination of Ethan and the breathing exercise to reinforce her trauma and coping mechanisms established earlier in the script. It provides a moment of quiet tension that contrasts with the high-action climax of scene 29, allowing the audience to process the resolution while hinting at lingering effects, which helps maintain the horror tone and character consistency. However, the hallucination of Ethan might confuse viewers who recall his defeat in scene 29, as it blurs the line between supernatural remnants and Riley's PTSD, potentially undermining the catharsis of the climax by reintroducing unresolved elements without clear context.
  • The atmospheric descriptions, such as the smells of melting snow and burnt coffee, and the sound design with the radio crackling into a dial tone, are strong and immersive, effectively evoking a sense of unease and tying back to the 'Dream Boy' game's motifs. This builds a subtle horror element in a confined space, which is appropriate for a denouement scene. That said, the scene feels somewhat abrupt and isolated, lacking deeper emotional layers or connections to the broader narrative arc, which could make it seem like a filler moment rather than a meaningful beat in Riley's journey, especially since it's so close to the end of the script.
  • Riley's actions and reactions are well-portrayed, showing her resilience and use of learned techniques to regain control, which is a positive character development touchpoint. However, the absence of dialogue or any interaction with other characters (like the cop or paramedic mentioned in the transition) makes the scene feel static and overly internal, potentially reducing its cinematic impact in a visual medium like film. Additionally, as scene 30 out of 31, it serves as a bridge to the final scene, but it doesn't fully capitalize on building anticipation or providing closure, which might leave audiences feeling that the psychological horror isn't explored as deeply as it could be in this critical post-climax phase.
  • The use of the rearview mirror for the hallucination is a clever visual device that plays on common horror tropes, creating a jump-scare moment that echoes the script's themes of surveillance and being watched. Nevertheless, this reliance on familiar elements without innovation could make the scene predictable, and the quick resolution (spinning around to find nothing) diffuses tension too rapidly, missing an opportunity to delve into Riley's internal conflict or escalate the stakes subtly before the script's conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Expand the hallucination sequence to include a brief internal monologue or voice-over from Riley, reflecting on her trauma with Ethan and how it ties to the night's events, to add emotional depth and clarify whether this is psychological or supernatural, helping audiences connect it to her character arc.
  • Incorporate a subtle interaction with the cop or paramedic to ground the scene in reality and heighten contrast with the hallucination, such as a line of dialogue from the officer that Riley misinterprets due to her state, which could build tension and make the transition from scene 29 smoother.
  • Adjust the pacing by shortening the breathing exercise or integrating it with more dynamic actions, like Riley gripping the door handle or scanning the cruiser, to maintain momentum and prevent the scene from feeling too slow, ensuring it effectively bridges to scene 31 without dragging.
  • Enhance the sensory details to make the horror more immersive, such as adding visual distortions in the mirror or auditory hallucinations that link back to the 'Dream Boy' game, to reinforce thematic elements and make the scene more memorable and less reliant on standard jump-scare techniques.



Scene 31 -  Awakening Fear
INT. CAMPUS LIBRARY - NIGHT
Fast asleep, Riley slumps over an open textbook. A pool of
lamplight bathes her face.
A hand gently squeezes her shoulder.
LIBRARIAN (V.O.)
We're closing in five minutes, hon.
Riley jolts awake, breath shallow --
Her eyes dart back and forth -- as if expecting something
terrible.
Instead --
Quiet. Soft humming lights. Rows of tidy bookshelves.
A lone LIBRARIAN (60s, kindly) stands by her side.
LIBRARIAN
Closing time, hon. You don’t have
to go home, but you can’t stay
here.
Riley sits up slowly, realizes --
It was all a dream.
Her shoulders sag with relief. She runs a hand across her
forehead.
RILEY
Right. Yeah. Sorry.
The librarian nods, shuffling off toward the front desk.
Riley packs up her stuff, sliding papers and pens into her
bag.
A moth flutters out from beneath the table.
Riley flinches -- closes her textbook.

Something slips out and floats to the floor.
A POLAROID PHOTO, face down.
Riley freezes.
She hesitates -- then picks it up.
Her face drains.
It's a photo of Riley asleep at the library table -- up
close. Too close.
She spins around -- eyes scanning the darkened aisles of the
library.
Empty.
Quiet.
She looks at her phone --
"1 NEW MESSAGE."
She presses play and puts the phone to her ear --
ROBOTIC VOICE (V.O.)
This is an automated call from the
Victim Information and Notification
Every Day service. Please listen
carefully. Offender Ethan Rowe has
been released --
Riley hangs up.
Inhales -- in four. Hold. Exhales -- out six.
The terror in her face is gone, replaced by sheer
determination -- unbroken.
She pats her calf. Knife ready.
Then --
Somewhere, faintly --
RING.
FADE OUT.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary In a dimly lit campus library, Riley awakens from a nightmare to find the librarian gently informing her that the library is closing. Initially relieved, her calm is shattered when a polaroid of her sleeping surfaces, revealing a close-up that terrifies her. A notification about the release of a dangerous offender heightens her anxiety. As she battles her fear, Riley regains composure through breathing exercises and prepares herself with a knife, determined to confront her fears as the scene fades out.
Strengths
  • Building tension through atmospheric details
  • Effective transition between dream and reality
  • Compelling character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity in the transition from dream to reality
  • Limited interaction with other characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively transitions from a dreamlike state to reality, utilizing suspenseful elements like the Polaroid photo and automated call to create a sense of foreboding. The protagonist's shift from fear to determination adds depth to the character and sets up a compelling conflict.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of blending a dream sequence with reality to introduce a looming threat is intriguing and well-executed. The scene effectively establishes a sense of mystery and sets up the protagonist's journey to confront the unknown.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene revolves around the protagonist's discovery of unsettling clues and her determination to face a potential danger. It moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and escalating the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the thriller genre by blending elements of psychological suspense with themes of empowerment and self-protection. The authenticity of Riley's actions and reactions adds depth to the narrative, making it a compelling and original portrayal of a character facing her fears.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The protagonist's character development is highlighted through her shift from fear to determination, showcasing her resilience in the face of danger. The scene sets up a compelling arc for her as she prepares to confront the looming threat.

Character Changes: 8

The protagonist undergoes a significant change in the scene, transitioning from a state of fear to determination. This shift sets up her character arc and establishes her as a resilient and courageous protagonist ready to face the looming threat.

Internal Goal: 8

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to confront her fear and regain control after discovering the unsettling photo of herself. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security, as well as her desire to overcome past traumas.

External Goal: 7.5

Riley's external goal is to protect herself upon learning about the release of an offender, Ethan Rowe. This goal reflects the immediate threat she faces and her need for self-preservation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is driven by the protagonist's discovery of unsettling clues and the looming threat hinted at by the Polaroid photo and automated call. The escalating tension creates a sense of urgency and sets up a high-stakes confrontation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Riley facing a sudden threat and having to make quick decisions to ensure her safety. The uncertainty surrounding the offender's release adds a layer of complexity and danger that keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The scene establishes high stakes through the protagonist's discovery of unsettling clues and the looming threat hinted at by the Polaroid photo and automated call. The escalating tension creates a sense of urgency and sets up a climactic confrontation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and escalating the stakes for the characters. It sets up a compelling narrative arc and prepares the audience for the next stage of the protagonist's journey.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists, such as the discovery of the photo and the automated call about the offender's release. These elements keep the audience on edge and unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict lies in Riley's internal struggle between fear and determination. The fear stemming from her past trauma clashes with her newfound resolve to protect herself, highlighting a conflict between vulnerability and strength.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and unease to determination and relief. The protagonist's journey from vulnerability to strength adds emotional depth to the narrative, engaging the audience and setting up a compelling resolution.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the protagonist's emotions and the sense of unease in the environment. The automated call adds a chilling element, enhancing the overall atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines elements of mystery, suspense, and personal conflict to draw the audience into Riley's emotional journey. The gradual reveal of information and the character's evolving reactions maintain a high level of intrigue and tension.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension with introspective beats, allowing the audience to absorb the emotional impact of Riley's discoveries and decisions. The rhythm enhances the scene's suspense and character dynamics.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting aligns with the genre's conventions, utilizing scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue to create a visually engaging and emotionally resonant sequence. It adheres to the expected format for a suspenseful thriller scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure that effectively builds tension and reveals key plot points. It adheres to the expected format for a suspenseful thriller scene, engaging the audience with its gradual unfolding of events.


Critique
  • This final scene effectively bookends the screenplay by mirroring the opening sequence, creating a cyclical narrative that emphasizes the persistent nature of Riley's trauma and fear. However, while this structure reinforces themes of inescapable horror and psychological distress, it risks feeling repetitive and unresolved, as the audience may question whether any progress has been made after the intense climax in the attic. The dream revelation diminishes the weight of the preceding events, potentially confusing viewers about what was real versus imagined, and it might undercut the emotional payoff of Riley's victories in the supernatural confrontations.
  • The pacing feels abrupt in transitioning from the high-stakes horror of scene 29 and the introspective tension of scene 30 to this relatively calm library setting. This shift could jar the audience, as the scene starts with relief and normalcy before quickly reintroducing terror, which might not allow sufficient time for emotional processing or contrast. Additionally, the short screen time (implied to be brief based on the fade out) may not give the ending the gravitas it deserves as the screenplay's conclusion, leaving some thematic elements—like the occult curse and Riley's personal growth—feeling underexplored in resolution.
  • Character development for Riley is consistent with her arc, showing her resilience through controlled breathing and determination, but this scene could delve deeper into her internal state to provide a more satisfying character closure. For instance, her reaction to the Polaroid and Ethan's release notification echoes her initial vulnerability, but it lacks a sense of evolution or catharsis after her ordeals. The librarian character is underutilized, serving only as a functional element to wake Riley, which misses an opportunity to add depth or subtle foreshadowing, making the scene feel somewhat one-dimensional in its focus on Riley.
  • Visually and thematically, the callbacks to elements like the moth, Polaroid photo, and faint ring are strong in evoking familiarity and dread, tying back to the screenplay's motifs of surveillance and cyclical fear. However, these repetitions might come across as heavy-handed or clichéd, potentially reducing their impact in this context. The faint ring at the end, while ominous, is ambiguous and could confuse audiences about its source or significance, especially if not clearly connected to the 'Dream Boy' game or Ethan's threat, weakening the scene's ability to deliver a chilling, memorable close.
  • The tone shifts effectively from relief to terror, maintaining the horror genre's suspense, but the execution feels rushed, with Riley's transition to determination appearing almost too swift. This could alienate viewers who are still processing the climax, as the scene doesn't fully capitalize on the psychological horror established earlier. Furthermore, the dialogue is minimal and functional, which suits a visual medium, but it lacks the poetic or evocative quality seen in other scenes, such as Sue's monologues, making this ending feel less polished in comparison.
Suggestions
  • To enhance narrative closure, consider adding a subtle hint of Riley's growth or a break in the cycle, such as her deciding to confront Ethan directly or destroying the Polaroid as a symbolic act, while still maintaining ambiguity to preserve the horror theme.
  • Smooth the transition by incorporating dream-like visual effects or auditory overlaps from the previous scene (e.g., fading echoes of the police radio static into the library's humming lights) to better connect the high-tension climax to this denouement, ensuring a more cohesive flow.
  • Expand Riley's internal moment by including a brief voice-over or visual flashback to key events (e.g., the attic confrontation or her friends' fates) to reinforce her character arc and provide emotional weight, helping the audience feel the full impact of her determination.
  • Refine the ambiguous elements by making the faint ring more specific—perhaps linking it audibly or visually to the 'Dream Boy' phone—or clarify its implication through Riley's reaction, to avoid confusion and heighten the suspenseful ending.
  • Increase the scene's length slightly to build tension more gradually, allowing for a slower reveal of the Polaroid and notification, which could include more detailed descriptions of Riley's physical and emotional responses to heighten the horror and give the audience time to absorb the cyclical twist.