A PERFECT ENDING
A Screenplay
by
George Cameron Grant
WGA Reg.#140104-00
Information/Interviews: [email protected]
BLACK SCREEN
JAKE (V.O.)
All I ever wanted was a perfect ending.
INT. BEDROOM - DAYBREAK
A glowing HOLLYWOOD sign alarm clock flips to 5:00.
BOGART (V.O.)
Get outta bed, ya’ no good lazy bum,
before I fill ya’ fulla’ lead!
A hand slams snooze.
Dial flips to 5:15.
EASTWOOD (V.O.)
Feelin’ sleepy, punk? Go ahead, make my
day, just try goin’ back to sleep.
MONICA (O.S.)
Jake.
The hand swoops down again.
Dial flips to 5:30.
SCHWARZNEGGER (V.O)
Hasta la vista, baby!
UZI GUNFIRE blasts from the clock.
MONICA (O.S.)
Jake!!!
JAKE grabs the clock, spins it toward him.
JAKE
Shit!
He lumbers out of bed, trips over a pile of scripts and
face-plants. (Jake is an indie screenwriter/filmmaker/ad
guy on the edge of being burnt out in his early 50s.)
INT. BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER
STEAMING WATER hits the blossoming bruise on Jake’s face.
SOAP flies from his hands, landing at his feet. He slips
on the soap, ripping the shower curtain down with him.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
2 -
Morning Mayhem
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Jake, dressed in plaid shirt, jeans, cap, with matching
bruised purple cheek, grabs a donut. An OFFICIAL LOOKING
ENVELOPE leans against it, return address reading: CITY
OF NEW YORK FILM COMMISSION - PERMITS. The envelope falls
flat as Jake’s fingers pry the box open and remove a
powdered DONUT, which he inhales, while pulling a QUILTED
VEST from the back of the chair, slipping it on, as he
reaches for a CARAFE of brewed COFFEE, pouring into a
THERMOS and onto his fingers, table and envelope.
JAKE
Ayyyeeeaaashhhiiit!
He grabs yesterday’s jockeys off a chair, wraps them
around his hand, then uses them to blot the stained
envelope, which he leans back up against the donut box.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
3 -
Morning Affection and Unease
INT. THE BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Jake leans over a sleeping MONICA, once a head-turning
blond, now in her late 40’s, her face pressed against a
pillow, eyes shut and mouth agape, as his sugar-powder-
ringed mouth kisses her cheek.
JAKE
(In his best BOGIE)
Call ya’ when the shoot’s over,
schweetheart.
MONICA
(Half-asleep, eyes closed)
Love you, baby.
His face lights up as an underwear-wrapped hand tenderly
pulls the covers up to Monica’s chin. He smiles and
leaves, as Monica’s eyes instantly shoot wide open, her
face wrinkling from a PUNGENT SMELL.
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
CU of the stained envelope as Jake hurriedly passes.
sounds of the APARTMENT FRONT DOOR opening and closing.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
4 -
Unexpected Encounters
EXT. - STREET - CONTINUOUS
Jake exits the building, almost tripping over a SPACEY
GUY sitting on the STOOP, his black SUNGLASSES barely
visible through the long, shaggy, shoulder-length DARK
HAIR that drapes over the FLAK-JACKET he wears.
JAKE
Geez, watch it, buddy.
SPACEY GUY
It’s all cool, man.
Spacey Guy flashes a smile and PEACE SIGN.
JAKE
Yeah, right - all cool.
Jake turns to walk away. Spacey Guy’s peace sign morphs
into a MIDDLE FINGER as he sticks out his tongue, and
books through the front door, as a smiling BLACK KID,
holding a box filled with CDs, suddenly walks in lockstep
with Jake.
KID
Hey, mister, would you like to help the
Fordham Foundlings Chorus?
JAKE
Talk fast, kid, I’m runnin’ late.
KID
City’s knockin’ down our Community Center
and puttin’ up some garage, sellin’ these
CDs’ll help pay for a rehearsal space
‘til we get money for a new one.
Jake stops before his APPLE GREEN ‘69 VW BUG.
JAKE
This is where I get off, kid. What kind
of CDs you sellin’?
KID
CDs of us, mister - the whole chorus -
singin’ the classics. Only five bucks!
JAKE
Five bucks?
KID
Ten classics on there, mister. That’s
only fifty cent a song.
JAKE
Got the rap down good, don’t ya’, kid?
KID
No rap, mister, only classics.
JAKE
Not scammin’ me, are ya’? Not gonna’ pop
this in and get nothin’ but hiss, am I?
KID
You okay, mister? What happened to your
face and hand, get beat up or somethin’?
Jake’s good hand reaches into his pants pocket.
JAKE
Here you go, kid, but you’ll hafta’ pick
it out yourself.
He extends a cluster of BILLS - TEN on top, a FIVE and
several ONES peeking out beneath it.
JAKE
There ya’ go - grab that five.
KID
Sure is gonna’ take a lot of these to buy
us that new place.
JAKE
Oooh, that’s good, kid, real good.
Go ahead, take the ten.
KID
Really?
JAKE
Really.
KID
Gee, thanks, mister!
The Kid takes the ten.
KID
This means you get two CDs!
JAKE
Slip ‘em in the vest pocket.
The Kid slips two CDs into Jake’s vest.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
5 -
Frantic Drive on the Whitestone Bridge
EXT. JAKE’S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Jake enters the bug, shuts the door, and takes off, a NY
license plate reading “FILMBUG” seen as it chugs away.
INT. JAKE’S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Jake’s car is a shitbox. Cluttered front seat. Weathered
scripts, papers, coffee cups, ratty quilt and garbage
cover the back seat. Clock reads 6:17 as fingers click on
the radio. A FEMALE SINGER shrieks from the speakers.
SINGER (V.O.)
You know what I want, so give it up -
A startled Jake jumps in the seat.
JAKE
What the hell?
SINGER (V.O.)
- you know what I want, so give it up -
JAKES
How can she listen to this?
SINGER (V.O.)
- before I give up - before I give up -
Jake removes one of the Kid’s CDs from his pocket.
SINGER (V.O.)
- before I give up -
JAKE
That’s got to go.
He removes the CD from its case.
SINGER (V.O.)
- on you!
He ejects the disk from the CD player - the label reads
“JESSY CHRIST AND THE MAGDELENES.”
JAKE (O.S.)
Oy.
He tosses “JESSY” onto the backseat pile and pops in the
Kid’s CD. A CHORUS of YOUNG BLACK VOICES begins singing.
CHORUS (V.O.)
Raindrops keep fallin’ on my head -
JAKE
Mmm, not bad.
Jake removes a flip phone and dials.
CHORUS (V.O.)
- but that doesn’t mean my eyes will soon
be turnin’ red -
Jamming the cell into the crook of his neck, he taps a
one-hand rhythm onto the steering wheel.
JAKE & CHORUS (V.O.)
- cryin’s not for me -
JAKE
Jonas?...Yeah, it’s me...Jake, who else?
Jeez, what’s that smell?
He twitches his nose and sniffs.
JAKE
Nuthin’, just talkin’ to myself...
crossin’ the Whitestone now...traffic’s
okay, should be there seven-ten the
latest...relax, permit’s right here safe
inside my...(reaching into his vest,
blanches)...holy shit! Call ya’ back!
Pocketing the cell, he pounds his burnt hand onto the
HORN, wincing immediately.
JAKE
Eeeyahhhhh!
Jake grips the wheel with his teeth while soothing his
throbbing hand and pressing the horn with his chin.
EXT. WHITESTONE BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS
CARS in bumper-to-bumper traffic as the bug suddenly
jumps the median, making an abrupt U-TURN center SPAN.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
6 -
Betrayal Unleashed
EXT. JAKE’S APARTMENT BUILDING - 30 MINUTES LATER
Bug wheelies around the corner and screeches to a halt.
Music stops. Bug door opens. Jake bolts out.
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
CU of the envelope as the apartment door opens and Jake’s
bare hand scoops it up.
INT. - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Door bursts opens, a breathless Jake standing in the
doorway, clutching the coffee-stained permit.
JAKE
Sorry, babe, dopey me left the permit on
the table and -
A startled, naked Monica, looks up from between open legs
of a sun-glassed Spacey Guy, naked except for the flak
jacket.
MONICA
Jake!
Spacey Guy pops up and peers out from between her legs.
SPACEY GUY
What’s happenin’, dude?
Jake’s heart sinks. He backs out, closing the door shut
with an eerie calm.
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
The door closes with a soft click. Dead quiet, then a
primal howl of Jake’s rage, as he kick the door off its
hinges.
JAKE
You freakin’ hippie piece of -
Spacey Guy scrambles off the bed, arms up in peace signs.
SPACEY GUY
Whoa, man, bad vibes!
Jake charges. Monica screams. Chaos erupts.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER
Jake explodes out the front door.
JAKE
Fuck this day!
He climbs back into the bug, slams the door so hard the
window cracks and shatters. He turns the key. The kid’s
chorus continue “Raindrops.” He rips the CD out, snaps it
in half, hurls the pieces out the open window, grimaces
in pain, hits the gas, screeches away.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
7 -
Road Rage Rampage
INT. BUG - WHITESTONE BRIDGE - SOON AFTER
The Bug weaves like a drunk pinball. Horns scream.
Reaching into his vest, Jake yanks out the permit.
JAKE
Fuck your commercial! Fuck your location!
Using his free hand and teeth, he tears the permit to
shreds, flinging them through the open window, leaving a
ticker-tape permit trail behind him, as his cell rings.
He removes and flips it open.
JONAS
(Over phone)
Jake, where the hell are you?
JAKE
And fuck you!
He hurls the phone out the window. It bounces off a Prius
windshield. A BMW roars up beside him, TINTED WINDOW
opens to reveal a waspy-looking FEMALE DRIVER.
FEMALE DRIVER
Learn how to drive, shitbird!
She flips him off and pulls away. A jacked-up Monte Carlo
quickly replaces her, “Sweet Home Alabama” blaring as its
fu-manchued REDNECK DRIVER glares him down.
REDNECK DRIVER
Hey asshole!
Jake looks around, then points to himself.
REDNECK DRIVER
Yeah you! They oughta’ nuke jerkoffs like
you off the freakin’ road!
The Monte Carlo revs up and pulls away, leaving a cloud
of exhaust for Jake to gag on.
JAKE
Screw you, ya’ inbred son-of-a -
Jake’s foot floors the GAS PEDAL.
SPEEDOMETER strains to 37.
A JAGUAR pulls up, the beautiful FEMALE PASSENGER poking
her head out.
FEMALE PASSENGER
Time to feed your hamsters, pop, they’re
gettin’ tired!
She and her MALE DRIVER howl before speeding off.
JAKE
Pop? Pop!
Jake flips them off -
JAKE
Fuck you!
- just as a STATE TROOPER pulls up alongside.
JAKE
Hear what I said, I said fuuuuuuck -
Their eyes meet.
JAKE
- me.
Jake pulls his arm in and smiles. The Trooper doesn’t.
EXT. HIGHWAY SHOULDER - MOMENTS LATER
Trooper writes ticket after ticket, scaling each through
the open window, sign behind them reading SPEED LIMIT 55 -
MINIMUM 40 - NO LITTERING - NO ROAD RAGE.
Trooper pulls away, as the bug, alone on the shoulder,
begins to rock.
JAKE
Ahhhhhh!
INT. BUG - MOMENTS LATER
Jake’s teeth grind. Hands claw at the wheel. Engine
strains. The Bug passes a sign reading ORCHARD BEACH 1/4
MILE.
EXT. HIGHWAY CLOVERLEAF - CONTINUOUS
Bug chugs past a WELCOME TO ORCHARD BEACH sign, orange
CLOSED FOR THE SEASON notice across it, then the parked
State Trooper from before, crashing through a DO NOT
ENTER FENCE blocking the parking lot entrance, heading
directly toward the large SAND DUNE and OCEAN beyond.
INT. PATROL CAR - CONTINUOUS
Trooper watches as a chunk of fence slams onto his hood.
He flicks on his LIGHTS and SIRENS, screeching off.
EXT. DESERTED BEACH PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
Bug chugs and wheezes toward a SAND DUNE.
INT. BUG - CONTINUOUS
Jake’s POV as the bug reaches and scales the dune,
windshield view quickly shifting from sand, to ocean, to
BLUE SKY.
EXT. DUNE - CONTINUOUS
Looking up from the other side of the dune. Bug passes
overhead in slo-mo, airborne, as Jake howls inside.
JAKE (O.S.)
Yeeehaaaa!
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy","Action"]
Ratings
Scene
8 -
Morning Shock
INT. ANOTHER BRONX BEDROOM - SOON AFTER
SPOON plunged into a BOWL of milk-drowned FROOT LOOPS
quickly reaches the mouth of MORRIS BERMAN, a short,
round, balding man in his late 40’s, wearing DAVY
CROCKETT PAJAMAS and thick BLACK RIMMED GLASSES
reflecting the MORNING NEWS he watches from bed, milk
dribbling from the corners of his mouth.
FEMALE TV ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
The Senator could not explain his
cruising the hotel lobby halls in boxer
shorts and flippers. Back to you, Skip.
SKIP (O.S.)
Thanks, Heather. We have a bizarre
suicide attempt unfolding in the Bronx
this morning - with live, dramatic
coverage, let’s go to Kiki Garcia
reporting from Orchard Beach - Kiki?
KIKI (O.S.)
Thanks, Skip. Well, this is what
emergency personnel found when they
arrived at the scene after responding to
Trooper Pete Gray’s report of a crazed
motorist breaking through the beach’s
main parking lot barriers.
Morris spits out cereal.
MORRIS
What the -
TV SCREEN shows Jake’s bug, fully revved and back wheels
spinning, broken window covered by a stuffed blanket, as
it see-saws atop a huge sand dune. Muted music and Jake’s
singing blare from inside. KIKI enters frame.
KIKI
Police and fire personnel have tried
communicating with the unidentified white
male who shows no signs of either talking
or leaving the vehicle bearing the unique
license plates “FILMBUG”.
MORRIS (O.S.)
Jakie?
A dish hits the floor.
KIKI
Reluctant to pull the car off the dune
with the motor running, Fire Chief Burton
Ives may simply wait until the car runs
out of gas to foil what appears to be one
of the strangest suicide attempts we’ve
ever seen. Skip?
The front door slams.
SKIP
Thanks, Kiki.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
9 -
Miscommunication in the Bug
INT. JAKE’S BUG - SOON AFTER
Jake chirps along with the Kid’s Chorus singing
“EVERYBODY’S TALKIN’” as a FIREMAN in the bucket of a
HOOK & LADDER TRUCK holds up a stack of hand-written
signs he reveals one-by-one through the windshield.
”IS THERE SOMEONE YOU WANT US TO CONTACT?”
JAKE & CHOIR
- everybody’s talkin’ at me, I don’t hear
a word they’re sayin’ -
Another sign: ”ARE YOU ON ANY MEDICATION?”
JAKE & CHOIR
- only the echoes of my mind -
Yet another: ”DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE CARTOON CHARACTER?”
JAKE & CHOIR
- people stop and stare, but I don’t hear
a word they’re -
JAKE
(Pausing to think)
Huh?
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
10 -
A Dune Dilemma
EXT. - BEACH PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
Music continues as a new Lexus stops amidst a sea of
Police Cars, Emergency Vehicles and News Trucks. Its
front door shoots open as Morris, flowing silk kimono
covering PJ’s, climbs out, buffs a smudge off the hood,
then runs toward the dune, barely able to stand in his
coonskin slippers.
MORRIS
Stop! Don’t hurt him! Wait!
He runs toward the dune where Cops and Firemen cluster
around the hook & ladder truck.
CHIEF IVES
(On cell)
I know there’s an election comin’ up, but
my men have better things to do than wait
around while this fruitcake sings his way
through 50 years of movie music.
Morris suddenly appears over the dunes.
MORRIS
Stop! Don’t shoot him! Please don’t shoot
him!
CHIEF IVES
Hold on...(covers CELL)...who the hell
are you?
Morris whips out and dangles his open wallet.
MORRIS
Morris Berman, Bronx DA’s office.
CHIEF IVES
You know this kook?
MORRIS
He’s not a kook, he’s a writer.
CHIEF IVES
What’s the difference?
MORRIS
I was in bed watchin’ the news when -
He notices Ives checking him out, disapprovingly.
MORRIS
He’ll listen to me, I know he will.
CHIEF IVES
Alright, you’ve got five minutes to get
him outta’ there before I have my chopper
hook up that tin can and dump it and him
into the drink, ya’ got that?
MORRIS
Deal.
CHIEF IVES
(Motioning to truck operator)
Bring ‘er down!
MORRIS
Thanks, Chief.
CHIEF IVES
Kelsey, get your nuts outta’ there, we’re
givin’ Dan’l Boone here a whack at it.
MORRIS
Davy Crockett.
CHIEF IVES
What?
MORRIS
This is Davy Crockett, not Daniel Boone.
CHIEF IVES
I don’t give a shit if it’s Annie Oakley,
the clock’s tickin’...(into WALKIE-
TALKIE)...Birdman One, Birdman One, stand
by to swoop.
VOICE (O.S.)
Ten-four, Chief.
CHIEF IVES
You really with the DA’s office?
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
11 -
Unexpected Encounter
INT. JAKE’S BUG - MOMENTS LATER
Jake sings inside the rocking Bug as the sound of a crane
bleeds through the music.
JAKE & CHOIR
- skippin’ over the ocean like a stone -
Morris, in the crane, comes into view outside the
windshield.
JAKE & CHOIR
- whaaaa, wha wha wha wha, wha wha wha
wha, wha wha wha wha -
JAKE
Morris? Is that you?
Morris motions for Jake to open the window. He pushes the
quilt out.
JAKE
What the hell are you doing here?
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
12 -
Beneath the Elevated Subway
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE PRECINCT - LATER THAT DAY
PRECINCT DOORS burst open. Morris, still in PJ’s & robe,
exits and walks down the street, pursued by Jake.
JAKE
That was a great thing you did.
MORRIS
Don’t mention it.
JAKE
After all these years.
MORRIS
Know how many favors I had to call in to
get you out?
JAKE
I can imagine.
MORRIS
No you can’t, it’ll be years before I get
another handicap parking tag.
JAKE
Sorry, Moe.
MORRIS
Not to mention another job if the boss
sees me on the news.
JAKE
You really a lawyer?
MORRIS
No.
JAKE
Thought you worked for the DA?
MORRIS
I do - legal aide - a clerk. A least I
was as of this morning.
JAKE
I’m really sorry.
MORRIS
Forget it, I hate the goddamn job anyway.
JAKE
I was crazy, out of my mind.
MORRIS
What the hell were you thinking?
JAKE
I was thinking about killing myself.
EXT. BENEATH ELEVATED SUBWAY - SOON AFTER
Morris’ Lexus purrs along, followed by the straining bug.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
13 -
Nostalgia and Cheeseburgers
INT. - DINER - SOON AFTER
Jake and Morris in a booth. Jake’s just made a selection
on the booth JUKEBOX as Morris, still in his bedclothes,
inhales a cheeseburger deluxe and malted as music starts
blaring the theme from “EXODUS” from the tinny speakers.
JAKE
Remember when we got five for a buck?
MORRIS
I can barely remember what I ate for -
what the hell’s that noise?
JAKE
The theme from “EXODUS” - in your honor.
MORRIS
Still with the movies?
JAKE
You remember.
MORRIS
How could I forget?
JAKE
Come on, did we have a ball or what?
MORRIS
What.
JAKE
What about the time we stole the goldfish
outta’ that pond in the Paradise lobby?
MORRIS
Some ball, my mother wouldn’t let me go
to a movie for an entire year after that
escapade.
JAKE
It’s a shithouse now.
MORRIS
What’s a shithouse?
JAKE
The Paradise. It’s gone to hell. Looks
like it’s been bombed out, for Chrissake.
MORRIS
Probably was.
JAKE
Someone should really fix that place up.
Man, if I had a million bucks.
MORRIS
You don’t even have ten.
JAKE
That reminds me.
Jake reaches into his pocket, removes a SECOND CD, and
hands it to Morris.
MORRIS
What’s this?
JAKE
A small token of my appreciation.
An under-whelmed Morris stares at it.
MORRIS
Gee, thanks.
JAKE
Some kid was sellin’ ‘em on the street
and since it was a good cause I bought
two.
MORRIS
Lucky me.
Their WAITRESS appears. She’s hard-boiled and grumpy.
WAITRESS
Anything else?
MORRIS
As a matter of fact, yes.
WAITRESS
Need a menu or should I just bring one of
everything?
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
14 -
Diner Disruptions
INT. DINER BOOTH - MOMENTS LATER
Morris gobbles up WHIPPED CREAM-COVERED BROWNIES.
MORRIS
You can’t give yourself carbon monoxide
poisoning in the middle of a beach on a
cloudless day.
JAKE
How would I know? I never tried it
before.
MORRIS
Try a closed garage next time, it works
much better.
JAKE
I don’t have a garage, I’ve got a
dumbwaiter that’s been painted shut since
the Beatles were on Ed Sullivan. Besides,
I only went for the carbon monoxide thing
out of desperation.
MORRIS
And trying to drown yourself in the ocean
isn’t?
JAKE
It wasn’t the ocean, it was the sound.
MORRIS
I don’t care if it was the bathtub.
JAKE
Now that I almost died in!
MORRIS
Mazel tov! And why are you wearing
underwear on your hand?
He sees it.
JAKE
Shit.
Ripping the briefs off his hand, he rolls them into a
ball and stuffs them between his legs, just as the
Waitress appears.
WAITRESS
Anything else?
MORRIS
We’ll let you know, thank you.
As she turns to leave, Jake looks around, then lobs the
underwear over his shoulder. The Waitress whips her
scowling face back toward him suspiciously.
THREE BOOTHS BACK. The face of an ELDERLY MAN with THICK
BIFOCALS is buried in a bowl of matzoh ball soup as the
underwear plops onto a plate of goulash across the table.
His WIFE returns to the booth and slides in.
WIFE
Remind me to complain about that Ladies
Room on the way out.
Not missing a slurp, he grunts as she slides a fork into
her plate, coming up with Jake’s gravy-soaked underwear,
lifting it to her mouth.
WIFE
I’ve never been so disgusted in my -
She sees it.
WIFE
Ahhhhhhh!
Fork and underwear go flying - onto her Husband’s head.
EXT. BRONX RIVER PARKWAY - SOON AFTER
Lexus and the Bug pass the BRONX ZOO.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
15 -
Groceries and Heartbreak
INT. SUPERMARKET - SOON AFTER
Morris wheels a shopping cart down the pharmacy aisle,
Jake keeping pace beside him.
JAKE
For chrissake, Moe, I walked in and there
she was, the love of my life, bobbin’ up
and down on some street guy.
MORRIS
Street guy as in vagrant street guy?
JAKE
How do I know? He’s just some guy who’s
been hanging out in front of my building.
MORRIS
So he’s not a vagrant.
Morris reaches for a box on the shelf.
MORRIS
Ah, antiseptic cream - for that hand.
JAKE
Vagrant, schmagrant, what’s the
difference? He was doin’ my girlfriend.
MORRIS
Excuse me, but if she was on top, then
she was doin’ him.
JAKE
Thanks for clearing that up.
MORRIS
And it sure doesn’t sound like somethin’
the love of somebody’s life would be
doin’ in the first place.
JAKE
I’m so glad I’m baring my open wound of a
heart to you...(pulls shirt open)...go
ahead, pour the salt right over here.
Morris and Jake head to the condiment & spice aisle.
MORRIS
Look, Jakie, I think you should come back
to my apartment, eat, relax, get some
sleep and in a few days you can call her
up and straighten this whole mess out.
JAKE
But what about my computer, my scripts -
MORRIS
It’s your place, isn’t it?
JAKE
Yeah, but -
MORRIS
But nothin’, go over there after dinner,
grab what you need and get the hell out.
JAKE
And what if he’s there?
MORRIS
You like sundried tomatoes? I’m makin’
linguine with sundried tomatoes, that is,
if I can find the - ah, here they are.
He grabs a jar off the shelf, kissing it.
MORRIS
Magnifico!
Jake and Morris wheel down the beverage aisle.
JAKE
4 screenplays, 12 plays, 20 one-acts,
2 musicals, no sales, no dice, no nothin’
- what the fuck am I doin’ wrong?
MORRIS
Don’t know, have to read them first.
JAKE
Just what I need, another critic.
MORRIS
Shouldn’t you be lookin’ for an agent or
somethin’?
JAKE
My rejection pile’s thicker than my
script pile, which is what I tripped over
this morning, which is how I got this.
Jake points to his cheek.
MORRIS
Nasty. We’ll get some cream on that too.
Jake and Morris stroll down frozen desserts.
JAKE
And on top of all that, I strand my
agency’s film crew in the middle of
Astoria with no permit, get stopped by
some asshole trooper who gives me five
hundred bucks and five points worth of
moving violations, including one for
driving too slow, and I can’t even make
it to the ocean to drown myself.
MORRIS
You mean sound.
JAKE
Whatever! Now what kind of loser is that?
MORRIS
For someone who just found his girlfriend
makin’ oinky-boinky on some vagrant guy,
I think you’re doin’ pretty damn good.
Jumping up and down, Morris reaches for the top shelf.
JAKE
Oinky-boinky?
MORRIS
Think you can reach the Cool Whip, Jakie?
JAKE
Sure.
He does, tossing it into the cart.
Jake & Morris unload groceries onto the CHECKOUT COUNTER.
JAKE
Alright, so if I’m not meant to be a
successful writer, the least I should
come away with is a perfect ending is all
I’m saying here.
MORRIS
Perfect ending?
JAKE
Yeah, like - like - James Mason in A Star
is Born. Errol Flynn in They Died With
Their Boots On. Jimmy Cagney in White
Heat. King Kong in - you know.
MORRIS
Mason drowned, Flynn was shiskebobbed,
Cagney got flambéd and Kong got creamed,
what’s so perfect about that?
JAKE
They died poignantly, poetically,
perfectly.
MORRIS
Like James Dean?
JAKE
What’s that supposed to mean?
MORRIS
You’re the movie man, you should know.
JAKE
Your point?
MORRIS
Even lives with Fairy Tale beginnings
have car wreck endings, that’s just the
way life is. Writer’s gotta’ know that.
JAKE
I don’t know what I know anymore.
MORRIS
Well, ya’ gotta’ know enough to know that
croakin’ yourself at Orchard Beach is no
perfect ending. Hamptons maybe, but
Orchard Beach?
JAKE
Bug wouldn’t have made it that far.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
16 -
Nostalgic Banter in the Lobby
EXT. PELHAM PARKWAY - SOON AFTER
Lexus drives by with the bug chugging close behind.
INT. LOBBY OF AN APARTMENT BUILDING - SOON AFTER
Jake enters, shopping bag in each hand, legging the door
open for Morris, who enters with a stuffed, squeaky
shopping cart in tow.
JAKE
Jeez, look at this place.
MORRIS
I do. Every day.
JAKE
Wire-mesh windows, mosaic tile floors,
the smells - god, do I remember those
smells - steaming radiators, cooking
marinara, the schmaltz -
MORRIS
The curry, the piss.
JAKE
Can’t believe you stayed in this building
all these years.
MORRIS
I didn’t.
Jake & Morris stand stand before the lobby mailboxes.
MORRIS
After college, I moved to Bensonhurst
with Linda Lubitsky to get my law degree.
JAKE
You got Lollipop Linda Lubitsky, the all-
day sucker?
MORRIS
Could say that. I married her.
JAKE
Married? You lucky bastard, I heard she
gave the greatest -
MORRIS
When the Cantor stopped singing, Linda
stopped sucking.
JAKE
No!
MORRIS
From the second I broke the glass, she
began breaking my balls.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
17 -
Elevator Confessions
INT. APARTMENT ELEVATOR - SOON AFTER
Jake & Morris squeeze into the elevator. Morris presses
floor button.
MORRIS
Lubitsky and I had twelve long, miserable
years. It was a nightmare and everybody
knew it, including me. We were the couple
from hell. We’d go on double dates and
wind up screaming at each other in the
parking lot - alone! I’m talking
arguments in movie theaters, food fights
in diners. At holiday time we’d get
condolence cards.
JAKE
Jeez.
The elevator doors open.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
18 -
Echoes of a Failed Marriage
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
Hunched-over Jake & Morris exit the elevator, walking
toward the apartment door at the end of a long hallway.
MORRIS
For years we had the family over for
Thanksgiving and not once did we make it
to dessert without an empty house.
JAKE
That’s horrible.
MORRIS
They had a pool going at the office on
how long my marriage would last.
JAKE
Who won?
MORRIS
My boss and the janitor split three
hundred bucks.
They stop at Morris’ apartment door.
JAKE
Any kids?
MORRIS
What kids? I could never get her legs
open!
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
19 -
Roach Alert: A Home Like No Other
INT. MORRIS’ APARTMENT - SOON AFTER
Front door opens. Morris and Jake are silhouetted in the
doorway.
MORRIS
Roach alert. Ready.
JAKE
Ready.
Morris flicks the hallway light on.
MORRIS
Ahhh, home, sweet home.
JAKE
Holy shit!
INT. MORRIS’ HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
A living tapestry of ROACHES scatters, frantically
migrating toward every crack and crevice available.
MORRIS
Hey, everybody’s gotta’ eat.
INT. MORRIS’ LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
A plastic slipcover wonderland, right down to snapshots
and cheesy paintings on the wall, including an oil-on-
velvet portrait of Morris’ MOTHER overseeing the room
perfectly preserved as she left it.
JAKE (O.S)
Feel like I’m in Graceland.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
20 -
A Bittersweet Dinner
INT. - MORRIS’ KITCHEN - SOON AFTER
A steam cloud dissipates to reveal Morris’ face, glasses
fogged by the cooked linguine he drains.
MORRIS
So five years ago, after mama’s funeral,
I came back here to sort out her affairs,
throw out whatever shit I could throw out
and unload the joint, when suddenly I
looked around and asked myself “Morris,
you were happy here once, you belonged
here once, this was your only real home,
why would you wanna’ leave?”
JAKE
To which you answered?
MORRIS
“I don’t.” So I didn’t. Besides, where
would I find a place this big for the
kind of gelt I’m paying, so I called the
Harpy and told her it was over.
Morris points to a cluster of hanging pots & pans.
MORRIS
Hand me that big black pot over there,
will ya’, Jakie?
JAKE
Sure.
He hands him the pot.
JAKE
So what’d she say?
Morris dumps the steaming pasta into it.
MORRIS
Not a word, she was too busy laughing.
JAKE
Ouch.
He mixes pesto and sundried tomatoes into the linguine.
MORRIS
That was nothing, when I went back to
pick up my things that night, there was
an orgy going on.
JAKE
Get outta’ here!
MORRIS
Shit you not. Hadda’ fight my way through
a house full of middle-aged yentas and
Chippendale dancers just to unhook my
stereo. Those pricks were gettin’ more
action in one night than I got in twelve
years. Spatula!
Jake grabs and hands him a spatula.
JAKE
I’m sorry.
MORRIS
Don’t be. Turned out to be the best night
of my life.
JAKE
Why?
MORRIS
Found out I prefer Chippendale to Yenta.
He sensuously slurps up LONG piece of linguine.
MORRIS
Mmm, yummy.
Phone rings.
JAKE
Want me to get it?
MORRIS
Nah, let it ring.
answering machine clicks on.
MALE VOICE (V.O.)
Berman, it’s Grogan. Enjoyed your little
display on the news tonight.
JAKE
Oops.
GROGAN (V.O.)
Make sure that fat ass of yours is in my
office at eight am sharp, got that?
GROGAN hangs up as Morris leers at Jake.
MORRIS
This is gonna’ be a real lousy ending.
JAKE
That’s reminds me, I’d better check my
machine. May I?
MORRIS
In the morning you’re killing yourself,
in the evening you’re checking messages?
Morris gestures to the phone, which Jake grabs and dials.
MORRIS
Must be a goy thing.
Listening to his messages, Jake’s eyes widen.
MORRIS
Let me guess, it’s Spielberg.
JAKE
Shoosh!
MORRIS
Forget I’m here.
Jake hangs up as Morris ladles pasta onto both plates,
either side of a perfectly decorated, candle-lit dinner.
JAKE
This is great!
MORRIS
Thanks, Jakie, it’s not everyday I have
company to cook for, especially.
JAKE
I meant the phone call.
MORRIS
Oh.
JAKE
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure everything
tastes as wonderful as it looks.
MORRIS
So who was it, this great call?
JAKE
Marguerita.
MORRIS
Who’s Marguerita?
JAKE
A new member of the screenwriting
workshop I’m in. She works part time for
Buff Lawrence.
MORRIS
And who’s Buff Lawrence?
JAKE
Only the biggest agent in town.
MORRIS
That’s nice. Come sit.
Removing a CD from his robe pocket, Morris slides it into
the a CD player on the bookcase.
MORRIS
Might as well hear what I got for all my
trouble. You’re not sitting.
Morris’ finger’s about to push the play button.
MORRIS
So what does this Marguerita want?
JAKE
She wants me to take her to a wake.
MORRIS
How exciting. Whose?
JAKE
Buff’s.
MORRIS
The agent’s dead?
JAKE
Not the agent, the agent’s dog.
MORRIS
The agent’s having a funeral for his dog?
JAKE
Gotta’ go, I’ll tell you all about it
when I get back.
Grabbing his vest, Jake heads for the door.
MORRIS
Which means I’m eating alone.
JAKE
This could be big, Moe, real big.
Don’t happen to have a sport jacket
I could borrow, do ya’?
A dejected Morris by the bookcase, ladle in hand, as
schmaltzy ORGAN MUSIC comes up.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
21 -
Cultural Clashes at the Wake
INT. FUNERAL PARLOR - LATER
Jake, in a GOLD LAMÉ DINNER JACKET 5 sizes too big,
stands with MARGUERITA, a tall, short-haired Spanish
woman in her 20’s, as they attempt to muscle through the
crowded FUNERAL PARLOR LOBBY.
MARGUERITA
You gringos are very strainch with your
animals.
JAKE
Tell me about it, firemen don’t get a
sendoff like this.
She suddenly jumps.
MARGUERITA
Ahh!
JAKE
What’s wrong?
MARGUERITA
Some focker jes’ pinge my ass!
He turns toward the CROWD.
JAKE
Son-of-a -
She pulls him back.
MARGUERITA
Ees alright, in my country happens all
the time.
JAKE
Animals.
They approach a tuxedo-ed ATTENDANT.
MARGUERITA
Escoosus, por favor.
ATTENDANT
May I help you?
MARGUERITA
We uh lookina for, how you say - the
waking.
JAKE
She means wake. We’re lookin’ for the
Lawrence wake.
ATTENDANT
You mean the band leader?
JAKE
What?
MARGUERITA
Wuz he mean?
Attendant chortles.
ATTENDANT
Just a little mortuary humor. Wake, Welk
get it?
Jake groans, Marguerita’s puzzled.
ATTENDANT
The deceased is resting down the hall to
your left in C. That’s a-one-uh and a-two-
uh and a-three-uh chapels down.
JAKE
I get it, I get it.
MARGUERITA
I dun get it.
Attendant drools over Jake’s bruised face.
ATTENDANT
You poor boy, would you like a little
something to cover up your - damage?
JAKE
No, that’s okay.
ATTENDANT
If you just follow me to the back room I
could -
JAKE
I’m fine. The dog please?
ATTENDANT
The reception line you just cut begins at
the far end of the parking lot which is
on the other side of the double doors you
just entered.
MARGUERITA
Gracias.
JAKE
Shit.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
22 -
A Cold Comfort
EXT. - FUNERAL HOME PARKING LOT - IMMEDIATELY AFTER
A shivering Jake & Marguerita huddle together at the end
of the long line.
MARGUERITA
I was weet heem when eet happen. Eet was
horrible.
JAKE
How did he -
MARGUERITA
Struck.
JAKE
By what? Truck? Car? Taxi?
MARGUERITA
What you mean by what? He had a struck.
Hees eyes roll up in hees head, then he
fall over and -
She begins to cry.
JAKE
Oh, you mean stroke. The dog had a
stroke?
MARGUERITA
Si - a struck.
JAKE
How does a dog get a struck - I mean
stroke?
MARGUERITA
Hees peepee.
JAKE
Huh?
MARGUERITA
Mickey’s peepee was too beeg for hees
teeny body. Every time he get a hard up,
he’d get deezy, it was so beeg.
JAKE
You mean hard-on?
She holds her hands about nine inches apart as MOURNERS
on line turn and leer at Jake, now mimicking the space
between Marguerita’s hands with his own.
JAKE
That’s not possible!
MARGUERITA
Dun tell me, I walk heem since he was a
poppy. Hees deek was beeger than he was.
Poor baby, dees time she keel heem.
JAKE
She?
Marguerita breaks down as Jake, teeth chattering, wraps
his arms around her.
MARGUERITA
I took Mickey to hees favorite spot in
front of Balduccis. He was doin’ hees
beezness when that beetch come along.
JAKE
What beetch - bitch.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
23 -
A Chaotic Encounter in Greenwich Village
FLASHBACK - EXT. - GREENWICH VILLAGE - TWO DAYS EARLIER
MICKEY, a white, black and brown CHIHUAHUA, nervously
lifts his leg against a fire pump.
MARGUERITA (O.S.)
That Irish beetch.
Mickey’s POV as he looks down Sixth Avenue and sees an
IRISH SETTER sauntering toward him, the trendy COUPLE at
the leash’s end dressed in black - of course. The Setter
passes him by, first looking down at him before putting
her snout in the air.
WOMAN (O.S)
Oh my God!
MAN (O.S.)
What’s wrong?
Mickey’s blurring view shoots up to the horrified couple
glaring down at him.
WOMAN
You see what I see?
MAN
How could I miss it?
MARGUERITA (O.S.)
Go away!
The setter growls.
MAN (O.S.)
Don’t yell at our dog!
WOMAN
That’s di - di - di - disgusting.
MARGUERITA (O.S.)
Keep that Irish beetch away from heem!
The Woman stares closer, more curious than horrified.
WOMAN
Mmm.
MAN
Don’t look!
WOMAN
Incredible!
The Man covers her eyes.
MAN
Keep that perverted rat away from our
Claire, you - you - you Mexican!
The Man drags the Woman away. She stares back at Mickey.
MARGUERITA (O.S.)
Mexican?
Mickey’s POV shifts back to Claire, the Setter, as she
suddenly breaks away from the couple and is now in
Mickey’s face, panting and quickly descending from frame,
leaving nothing but her ORANGE, HAIRY TAIL whipping back
and forth as intense sniffing and slurping begin. Frame
wobbles as Mickey whelps and yowls.
WOMAN (O.S.)
Oh my God! Claire! Stop that!
Mickey’s eyes roll in his head.
MARGUERITA (O.S)
Mickey!
Mickey falls onto his side with a thump.
MARGUERITA (O.S)
Nooooooo!
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
24 -
Eulogy Under Pressure
THE PRESENT - INT. FUNERAL PARLOR CHAPEL C - SOON AFTER
ORGAN MUSAK. CU of GLAMOUR PHOTO of Mickey resting atop
the closed, infant-sized CASKET drowning in floral
arrangements, a banner on one reading “BELOVED MICKEY,”
as a line of weeping MOURNERS slowly passes by.
MARGUERITA (O.S.)
And that ees how poor leetle Mickey
keeked the pail.
JAKE (O.S.)
I should be so leetle.
MARGUERITA (O.S.)
Escoosa?
JAKE (O.S.)
Nothing.
They come into view before the casket.
MARGUERITA
Look at heem. So innocent, so -
BUFF (O.S.)
Marguerita!
BUFF LAWRENCE, a debonair BLACK MAN in his 40’s,
approaches them, his outrageously sexy, furred and
noticeably younger wife ESTELLE attached to his arm.
MARGUERITA
Meester Lawrence!
ESTELLE
Marguerita, how nice of you to come.
MARGUERITA
Meesus Lawrence, I am so greefed for you
both.
BUFF
Kick in the ass, isn’t it. Loved that
little pecker.
JAKE
Little pecker?
BUFF
Sorry you hadda’ be there when it
happened. Only a matter of time before
that dick of his finished him off.
ESTELLE
Words to live by, isn’t that right,
mister -
Jake fights off the blinding glare from the DIAMOND
WEDDING RING on Estelle’s extended hand, which he
accepts.
JAKE
Jake. Jake Cavanaugh. So sorry for your -
He notices the CHIHUAHUA FACE on Buff’s PINKY RING, made
completely of DIAMONDS.
JAKE
-loss
BUFF
Thanks, Cavanaugh. Do I know you?
JAKE
Afraid not.
MARGUERITA
He’s a frenna’ mine, we write together.
ESTELLE
How cozy.
MARGUERITA
Een a classroom.
BUFF
You box, Cavanaugh?
JAKE
No, I write.
BUFF
Then what the hell happened to your face?
Looks like you just jumped outta’ the
ring - or one of those caskets.
JAKE
Just a little slip in the bathtub.
BUFF
That’s why they invented soap on a rope,
my brother.
Chortling Buff elbows him as Marguerita laughs.
MARGUERITA
Das very funny.
BUFF
Glad someone appreciates my sense of
humor. What do you write, Cavanaugh?
JAKE
Jake. Please call me Jake.
BUFF
OK, Jake, what do you write?
JAKE
Plays, screenplays, fiction, lyrics,
matchbook covers, you name it, I write
it, but films are my first love.
MARGUERITA
Hees good, Buff - I mean, Meesta
Lawrence. You should read some of hees
work, you be very impress.
ESTELLE
Looks like Mister Cavanaugh already has
an agent.
BUFF
Sure doesn’t have a dresser...(pulls
Jake’s lapels)...nice threads.
JAKE
Thanks. Borrowed it from a friend.
BUFF
No shit.
JAKE
As a matter of fact, I have been looking
for an agent and -
BUFF
You’re not gonna’ work me at my own dog’s
funeral, are ya’, Cavanaugh?
JAKE
No sir, I wouldn’t think of -
BUFF
Ya’ got brass ones, pal, I like that.
Need ‘em to succeed in this racket.
JAKE
But I was only tryin’ to -
BUFF
Think ya’ can bang out a eulogy for me,
Mister Hot Shit Writer?
JAKE
Sure, when do ya’ need -
BUFF
Ten minutes.
JAKE
Ten...(gulps)...minutes?
BUFF
Wanna’ show me what ya’ got, don’tcha’?
JAKE
Sure I do, but -
BUFF
Great writer’s gotta’ work under the gun,
ain’t that right, Cavanaugh?
JAKE
Gun? Why, uh - sure - absolutely.
BUFF
Then what the hell are ya’ waitin’ for?
JAKE
Nothing, sir.
BUFF
Just don’t make me look like an asshole
in front of my friends or the gun goes
off, OK?...(to Estelle)...remind me to
have Gilda slot Jake in after the funeral
tomorrow, figure around noon.
ESTELLE
You got it, Peaches.
He turns back to Jake.
BUFF
That okay, Jack?
JAKE
Sure. That’s Jake.
BUFF
Give Marguerita your best piece...(to
Marguerita)...you can drop it off later.
MARGUERITA
Dun see why no.
Marguerita smiles as Estelle sneers.
BUFF
I’ll look it over later and we can talk
in the morning when you come by.
Buff puts his hands on Jake’s shoulders.
BUFF
Now look, Jack.
JAKE
That’s Jake.
BUFF
Jack, Jake, whatever. You take care of
me, I take of you, dig?
JAKE
Dig. Thanks, Mister Lawrence.
BUFF
Call me Buff. Now cut the shit, ya’ got
nine minutes to write Mickey’s eulogy.
Buff turns toward the other Mourners as Estelle’s sneer
toward Marguerita quickly shifts to a seductive smile and
wink toward Jake, before trailing Buff.
MARGUERITA
Holy fock, you een like Fleen!
JAKE
You think?
MARGUERITA
Ees a slam donk!
She tugs on his arm.
MARGUERITA
Now less go!
JAKE
Go? Go where?
MARGUERITA
To write Mickey’s eula - eula - whatever
he say. Then we go to your place and get
your bess piece.
She pulls him away.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
25 -
Cold Confessions in the Beetle
EXT. PARKING LOT - SOON AFTER
Jake & Marguerita run toward the bug.
INT. BUG - MOMENTS LATER
Now behind the wheel, Jake scoops the mountain of debris
off the front seat onto the floor.
MARGUERITA
Hurry, ees freesing!
JAKE
Alright, get in.
She slides in. He cranks the bug. It won’t turn over.
MARGUERITA
Can’t even feel my feengers.
JAKE
Come on, baby, come on.
MARGUERITA
Ees colder than a weetches teety.
The bug finally starts.
JAKE
Thatta’ girl.
The Kid Choir sings “BABY, IT’S COLD OUTSIDE” over the
bug’s SPEAKERS.
MARGUERITA
Ees not cold enough, we hafta’ leesen to
that?
He shuts car CD, then suddenly freezes.
JAKE
Shit!
MARGUERITA
Wuz wrong?
JAKE
I can’t get my script.
MARGUERITA
Why no?
JAKE
It’s at my apartment.
MARGUERITA
Thaz bad?
JAKE
Thaz very bad. I can’t go there.
MARGUERITA
How come?
JAKE
I’d rather not say.
MARGUERITA
But Jek, dis your beeg brek!
JAKE
I know, I know, but -
MARGUERITA
You lock outta’ your house or somesing?
JAKE
No, my girlfriend’s probably there.
MARGUERITA
Thaz good, jes’ call her up and -
JAKE
I can’t.
MARGUERITA
Why no?
JAKE
I can’t call her because this morning I
caught her doing oinky boinky on another
guy which is why I tried to kill myself.
MARGUERITA
You tried to keel yourself?
JAKE
Crazy, huh? But I’m such a loser, I
couldn’t even do that right.
MARGUERITA
Dun’ that make you a weener?
JAKE
Exactly! And if I go back now, I’ll only
walk in on them again, kill ‘em both and
wind up in Sing Sing spendin’ the rest of
my life gettin’ oinky boinkied by some
flop-sweating Guatamalan named Jesus.
Christ, how’d my life get so screwed up?
He pounds wheel with his forehead.
MARGUERITA
Oinky boinky?
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
26 -
Awakening to Suspicion
INT. MORRIS’ DINING ROOM - SOON AFTER
A sleeping Morris’ smiling face drooling onto the dining
room table cloth, an empty bottle of wine nearby.
JAKE (O.S.)
Morris.
MORRIS
(In half-sleep)
Mmm - thanks for inviting me to dinner,
baby - oooh, love the tapered candle,
shall I light it for you?
JAKE (O.S.)
Morris, wake up.
MORRIS
Hubba, hubba, that a zucchini under your
apron or are you just happy to see me?
JAKE (O.S.)
Morris!
A startled Morris opens his eyes.
MORRIS
What the - who...(he looks up, woozy)...
Jakie, that you?
Jake and Marguerita stand over Morris.
JAKE
Yeah, it’s me.
MORRIS
Who’s this?
Marguerita extends her hand.
MARGUERITA
Marguerita, pleese to meeting you.
JAKE
You remember, she’s -
MORRIS
The reason I ate alone.
She withdraws her hand.
JAKE
I need your car.
MORRIS
My car? You have a car.
JAKE
I’m goin’ to the apartment to get my
stuff, and if she hears the Bug, her and
the stud muffin’ll have time to double
bolt the doors, which means I’ll never
get my stuff back.
MORRIS
What’s she here for?
JAKE
Buff said he wants to read my script, so
after we liberate it from the Queen of
Tarts, Marguerita will drop it off at his
brownstone. I’ve got an appointment there
tomorrow at noon.
MORRIS
And what’s in this for you, Masquerita?
MARGUERITA
Nothing, Jake is my fren - and my name is
Marguerita - Miss Lapiz to you. You know,
you a very rude man.
MORRIS
Just innately suspicious of Latin
bombshells in sequined funeral dresses
bearing magnanimous motivations.
MARGUERITA
What you mean this “mananimus?”
JAKE
Pardon me for interrupting, but the car?
MORRIS
Alright.
JAKE
Gee, thanks, Moe, you’re a real pal.
MORRIS
On one condition.
JAKE
Name it.
MORRIS
I drive.
JAKE
You wanna’ come?
MORRIS
Wouldn’t miss this for the world, besides
...(looks at Marguerita)...I’m makin’
sure no one craps up my new car.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
27 -
A Reluctant Return
EXT. JAKE’S APARTMENT BUILDING - LATER
The Lexus pulls up.
INT. MORRIS’ LEXUS - CONTINOUS
Marguerita sits in the back seat, Morris behind the
wheel, with Jake in the shotgun seat, as all three stare
up at his apartment window.
JAKE
The lights are off.
MORRIS
They’re probably not even there.
MARGUERITA
Could be sleeping.
JAKE
Yeah, right.
MORRIS
You ready for this?
JAKE
No.
MORRIS
Am I turning back?
JAKE
No.
MORRIS
Would you like me to come?
JAKE
No.
MORRIS
Are you hearing a word I’m saying?
JAKE
No. I mean yes.
MARGUERITA
Maybe I should go up with heem while you
keep the running motor.
MORRIS
I have an idea, why don’t I stay down
here and keep the running motor.
Jake opens his door and bolts from the Lexus.
MARGUERITA
Hey! Hold it up!
She follows him.
MORRIS
Why the hell didn’t I stay in bed and
finish my Froot Loops?
EXT. JAKE’S APARTMENT BUILDING - CONTINUOUS
Marguerita blows past Jake and pushes through the front
doors.
JAKE
Where are you going?
MARGUERITA
Move on it.
INT. BUILDING - CONTINUOUS
Marguerita charges up the lobby staircase.
JAKE
I’m the one who lives here, you’re
supposed to follow me, remember?
MARGUERITA
Sheesh, you right. Estupido. I was jes’
so peesed what she do to you.
JAKE
Thanks for the support, but can we be a
tad more hush-hush on the approach, OK?
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
28 -
Locked Out and Livid
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE JAKE’S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
Jake & Marguerita tiptoe toward Jake’s apartment.
JAKE
This might be dangerous, you should wait
here.
MARGUERITA
Dun worry, I have three brothers and can
keek in all their assholes.
They reach the door.
JAKE
Ready?
She nods. Jake slides the key into the lock - NO DICE.
JAKE
What the -
MARGUERITA
Wuz wrong?
JAKE
Can’t seem to get - maybe it’s the wrong
...(he looks)...no, it’s the key alright,
but why won’t it -
He jiggles the key, trying to force it in.
JAKE
Come on, what the hell is wrong with -
son-of-a -
MARGUERITA
Ees stuck?
JAKE
No, ees different! She changed the lock!
That cheating little bitch and her human
lollipop changed the goddamn -
He pounds on the door.
JAKE
Monica! Open this door! You hear me?
I want my stuff!
MARGUERITA
You sure?
JAKE
Of course I want my stuff!
MARGUERITA
No, the lock - you sure ees change?
JAKE
I’ve had the same lock for twenty five
years, so if I stick it in and it doesn’t
turn, it’s a safe bet it isn’t my lock.
Monica, I want my stuff. Monica! I swear
to God I’ll break this door down if you
don’t open it by the time I count to
three. One. Two. Threeeee!
Stepping back, he charges the door, shoulders into it,
bounces off and lands on his butt, grabbing his side.
MARGUERITA
Holy sheet, are you alrice?
JAKE
No, I’m not alrice. Think I broke my
freakin’...(to door)...happy now, bitch!
MARGUERITA
You mus love thees Monica a whole much.
JAKE
Either help me up or drive the stake
through my heart, okay?
MARGUERITA
You crazy.
JAKE
It would be a mercy killing, I promise.
She gets him to his feet. He returns to the door.
JAKE
This is it, Monica, if you think a stupid
lock’s gonna’ keep me from my work,
you’re out of your sausage suckin’ skull!
Turning to his other side, he charges the door with the
same results, only now he’s grabbing both sides.
MARGUERITA
Jake!
JAKE
Uhhh...(screams)...I hate you!
MARGUERITA
I’m getting you out of here before you
have a nervous brokedown.
JAKE
I hate your guts, you hear me? Hate!
Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate!
VOICE (O.S.)
(From another apartment)
We hear you, we hear you.
MARGUERITA
Mine your own business!
Getting him back to his feet, Marguerita begins kicking
and screaming at the door, as a stunned Jake watches.
MARGUERITA
Shem on you, you - you - oinky boinker!
JAKE
You tell her!
She grabs his collar and drags him away.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
29 -
Chaos on the Street
EXT. STREET - MOMENTS LATER
Jake & Marguerita exit the building as Morris leaves the
Lexus.
MORRIS
What happened?
MARGUERITA
Ees all freaked up.
JAKE
She changed the locks, Moe, she changed
the goddamn locks!
MORRIS
You’re kidding?
JAKE
Less than a day and she’s already changed
the locks to my own apartment...(he pulls
away and screams up)...I hate your guts!
Jake’s apartment window whips open, as MANUSCRIPTS, LOOSE
PAGES, OFFICE SUPPLIES, CD’s, BOOKS and CLOTHING fly out,
Jake, Morris and Marguerita being showered on by Jake’s
personal effects. The shower gradually subsides.
MORRIS
That wasn’t so bad.
HOLLYWOOD SIGN CLOCK suddenly bounces off Jake’s head and
lands on the sidewalk.
MARGUERITA
Uh, boy.
SCHWARZENEGGER VOICE
Hasta la vista, baby!...(gunfire)...Hasta
la vista, baby!...(gunfire)...Hasta la
vista, baby!...(gunfire).
Jake smiles, then pounces up and down on the clock until
nothing remains of it but tiny slivers of plastic.
MORRIS
You handled that well.
Jake pants, nostrils flaring, as Jake’s COMPUTER flies
out and slowly descends, crashing into the windshield of
Morris’ Lexus, the SCRIPT that’s been resting on it
fluttering down at a slower pace, landing on and around
the car.
MORRIS
My caaaaaaar!
JAKE
My script!
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
30 -
Driving Tensions
EXT. MORRIS’ LEXUS - LATER
Morris strains to see through his shattered windshield as
he drives, Marguerita now riding shotgun while Jake, in
back, tries to reconstruct his script from the pile of
paper beside him.
JAKE
I’ll pay you back.
MORRIS
With what?
JAKE
With the advance I’ll get when Buff
Lawrence sells this script.
MORRIS
That’s horseshit. See this?
He pushes the floppy windshield back and forth.
MORRIS
That’s real - your advance? That’s
horseshit - a pipedream - just another
one of your childhood fantasies that’ll
never happen!
MARGUERITA
You’re wrong!
MORRIS
Ah! The third world speaks.
MARGUERITA
Aside from being rude, round and wrong,
you a lowsey fren!
MORRIS
Me? A lowsey fren?
MARGUERITA
Jake’s work ees great and I beleef he
make a beeg sell to Buff tomorrow and
won’t you feel like the horse’s rear end
you already look like ‘cause you didn’t
stick on heem, now say you sorry.
MORRIS
Me say I’m sorry? Look at my car, my
windshield, my roof!
MARGUERITA
Say eet already! Be a male!
MORRIS
He’s gotta’ say it first.
JAKE
I didn’t even wanna’ live, why wouldn’t
I be sorry? I’m the sorriest guy I know!
MORRIS
Say it!
JAKE
I’m sorry, alright?
MARGUERITA
Well?
MORRIS
Then I’m sorry too.
MARGUERITA
Good boys. Now take me to Buff’s so I can
drop off the script.
Jake and Morris stare at each other, helpless.
EXT. PARKWAY - CONTINUOUS
Lexus drives south on Bronx River Parkway.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
31 -
Fractured Loyalty
EXT. STREET - SOON AFTER
Lexus stops before a Greenwich Village BROWNSTONE.
INT. LEXUS - CONTINUOUS
Marguerita jumps out.
MARGUERITA
Wade here, I be ride back.
JAKE
Thanks, Marguerita.
MORRIS
We’ll keep your carriage warm.
She sneers, exits and climbs the brownstone steps.
MORRIS
Nothing’s changed.
JAKE
What?
MORRIS
Thirty years later and I’m still getting
suckered into your half-assed escapades
...(pushes out windshield)...AND with the
same results!
JAKE
Don’t you think you’re overreacting just
a teeny tiny bit?
MORRIS
Overreacting? What do you think my
insurance agent’s gonna’ say when I tell
her my brand new Lexus was crushed by a
flying computer?
JAKE
There’s nothing here that can’t be fixed?
MORRIS
I’m sure you’ll come up with something.
Jake jumps out of the back seat, slams the door behind
him and sits on the brownstone stoop, head in hands.
MORRIS
What are you doing?
JAKE
You’re right, I’m a pariah.
MORRIS
An albatross.
JAKE
That’s why I wanted to kill myself, only
you hadda’ go and save my life.
MORRIS
I didn’t save your life, I saved you from
a weekend in the slammer.
JAKE
OK, so save yourself now! Get out while
you still have wheels on that thing.
MORRIS
I should.
JAKE
Then do it! Beat it! Scram!
MORRIS
Get in the car.
JAKE
What?
MORRIS
I said get in the car!
JAKE
No. I’ve caused enough trouble.
MORRIS
You can’t out-martyr a Jew, your boss was
one of us, now get over here already.
Jake stands and slowly shuffles to the Lexus.
JAKE
You’re making a big mistake.
MORRIS
I know, I know, now get in!
He opens the door and Jake slides in.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
32 -
Tension in the Lexus
INT. LEXUS - CONTINUOUS
Jake & Morris in the front seat.
JAKE
Can I ask you a question?
MORRIS
I have a choice?
JAKE
What do you think of Marguerita?
MORRIS
The truth?
JAKE
What else?
MORRIS
There’s something weird about that chick.
Can’t quite put my finger on it, nor
would I want to, but I’d watch my ass if
I were you and why, I’m afraid to ask,
are you even asking?
JAKE
There’s a refreshing innocence about her,
don’t you think?
MORRIS
Haven’t you had enough trouble with women
for one lifetime?
The brownstone door squeaks open.
JAKE
Quiet! Here she comes.
EXT. - STREET - CONTINUOUS
Marguerita descends the staircase and walks to the Lexus.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
33 -
A Night of Miscommunication
INT. - LEXUS - CONTINUOUS
Marguerita pokes her head through the window.
JAKE
So how’d it go?
MARGUERITA
Supey-dupey. I hand it to heem, he take
it.
JAKE
Oh.
MARGUERITA
Leesen, you can go on without me.
JAKE
That’s crazy, we can wait.
MARGUERITA
No, ees better you go, Buff wans me to
help heem with some fillings.
MORRIS
Is he an agent or a dentist?
MARGUERITA
What’s he said?
JAKE
She means filing...(to Marguerita)...
don’t you?
MARGUERITA
That’s what I said, so go, ees OK.
JAKE
You sure?
MARGUERITA
Si.
JAKE
‘Cause we can stick around if you -
Morris elbows him.
JAKE
Ow!
MORRIS
She’s a big girl, Jake.
MARGUERITA
Leesen to your fren, I be alright. Now go
home and get some sleep, tomorrow’s a
beeg day and you look like sheet.
JAKE
Thanks.
MARGUERITA
De nada.
She climbs the stairs and shuts the door behind her.
MORRIS
What was that about refreshing innocence?
EXT. PARKWAY - SOON AFTER
Lexus drives north on Bronx River Parkway.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
34 -
Cynicism and Cake
INT. MORRIS’ REFRIGERATOR - SOON AFTER
Refrigerator door opens and Morris reaches in for a huge
slice of chocolate layer cake, as Jake stands in the
background.
MORRIS
Said you met her in your screenwriting
workshop, no?
JAKE
Yes.
He shuts the refrigerator door.
INT. - MORRIS’ DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Morris rests the cake on the table, slides in before it.
MORRIS
So what makes you think she isn’t doing
exactly the same thing you’re doing?
JAKE
What’s that supposed to mean?
MORRIS
What that means is she’s probably got her
own script and willing to do anything to
sell it, only in this case I’d say she’s
got an obvious biological advantage.
Morris jams a hunk of cake into his mouth.
JAKE
Are you insinuating she’d sleep with Buff
Lawrence just to sell a script we don’t
even know she has?
MORRIS
Faster than you can say “seven layer.”
JAKE
That’s bullshit.
MORRIS
No, that’s emmaus.
JAKE
Huh?
MORRIS
Gospel. The truth. Most people in your
situation would degrade themselves a
helluva’ lot more for a lot less and if
you don’t know that much about this
career you aspire to, you might as well
climb back into your time machine on
wheels and give extinction another crack,
only this time I’ll stay in bed and
finish my Froot Loops.
Morris shovels in the last of the cake.
MORRIS
Now if you don’t mind, I need my beauty
sleep, I’m attending an execution in
three hours - my own.
JAKE
Night, Morris.
MORRIS
Oh, and I’d take a shower if I were you -
you really do look like sheet.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
35 -
Name Confusion at the Brownstone
EXT. BUFF’S BROWNSTONE - THE FOLLOWING DAY
Jake, at top of the steps, rings the doorbell. Door opens
and GILDA, Buff’s sour-puss secretary, stands in the
doorway.
GILDA
Whatever you’re selling, we don’t want -
JAKE
Mister Lawrence is expecting me.
GILDA
What’s your name?
JAKE
Jake. Jake Cavanaugh.
GILDA
We’re expecting a Jack, not a Jake.
JAKE
That’s me - really. I’m Jack, but it’s
really Jake.
Gilda’s twisted face looks skeptical.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
36 -
Spy Games and Script Critiques
INT. BUFF’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
Jake anxiously sits before a huge oak desk, clutter-free
save for his battered SCRIPT. He turns toward the only
sound in Buff’s otherwise silent office - the loud
ticking of an ornate GRANDFATHER CLOCK pendulum swaying
back and forth, as the clock suddenly emits a loud GONG.
JAKE
Ah!
He jumps from the tufted chair that tips backward and
thumps to the floor, just as the office door opens and
Buff enters, perfectly groomed save for the SHAVING CREAM
in each ear and SHIRT TAIL poking through an UNZIPPED
FLY.
BUFF
Please sit.
Jake picks up and rights the chair.
JAKE
Excuse me, Mister Lawrence, but -
He points to Buff’s crotch. Buff looks down.
BUFF
Son-of-a-bitch! Thanks, Cavanaugh.
Stuffing the shirt tail in, he zips the fly.
BUFF
Sit.
JAKE
Thanks - uh-um.
BUFF
Now what?
JAKE
Your ears, sir.
BUFF
My ears? What’s wrong with my -
He paws at his ears and feels the cream.
BUFF
Shit.
Taking a tissue from the box on the desk, Buff fingers
his creamy ears clean.
BUFF
Don’t ever work where ya’ live.
He balls up the tissue and sky hooks it across the room
toward the WASTE BASKET beside the clock. It hits the rim
and drops in.
BUFF
Nothin’ but net!
JAKE
Nice shot.
Buff lifts a foot onto his desk, grabbing another tissue
and rubbing the already immaculately polished SHOE.
JAKE
So, uh, how was the funeral?
Buff lifts his other foot onto the desk and gives the
other shoe the same treatment.
BUFF
Very moving. Gonna’ miss that little
bastard.
Buff sky hooks and sinks another tissue, pumps his fist,
then presses the intercom.
BUFF
Gilda, coffee for me and - what can I get
you, Jack?
JAKE
That’s Jake.
BUFF
Coffee? Tea? Milk? Coke?
JAKE
Coffee’s fine, thanks.
BUFF
You heard the man.
GILDA (O.S.)
Yes, sir.
BUFF
Adjust your sack, Cavanaugh.
JAKE
Excuse me?
BUFF
Relax, get comfortable - and dry yourself
off, for chrissake, that’s a ten thousand
dollar Parisian chair you’re sweatin’ in.
JAKE
Sorry.
Buff slides the box toward Jake, who takes a tissue and
wipes the sweat from his face and neck.
BUFF
Take your shot.
JAKE
Shot?
BUFF
The tissue - go ahead, take your shot.
JAKE
Basketball was never really my -
BUFF
Take it!
Jake jumps up, again sending the chair backwards. Quickly
balling the tissue, he carefully gauges the distance to
the basket.
BUFF
Shot clock’s at five. Four. Three. Two.
One.
He takes the shot.
BUFF
Ehhhhhhhhhh!
The tissue ball hits the basket rim and bounces off.
BUFF
De-nied!
Jake winces. Buff gloats.
JAKE
Shit.
He picks up the balled tissue, drops it carefully into
the basket, lifts the fallen chair and sits, as Buff taps
out a beat on Jake’s script with a #2 pencil.
BUFF
Lousy ending.
JAKE
Excuse me?
BUFF
Your script. Just like your shot. Nice
approach. Set-up, excellent. Style,
pacing, real sweet, but in the end -
Buff sprays a loud BRONX CHEER across the desk.
JAKE
Thanks.
BUFF
Don’t take it personal, Jack.
JAKE
Jake.
BUFF
Good endings are hard to come by, but
they’re also essential. Critical. Just
like that three-pointer at the buzzer,
it’s all or nothin’, baby!
JAKE
Couldn’t agree more. Absolutely.
BUFF
Take baseball, boxing, surgery, real
estate. Doesn’t matter what it is, all
that matters, all anyone remembers, is
who hit the homer? Who scored the
knockout? Did the patient live? Did he
close the deal? Think anyone would say
“Jesus, Jack -
JAKE
That’s Jake.
BUFF
- that was one helluva’ pitch you made on
that hi-ranch, really had ‘em goin’ there
for a while. Even got ‘em to the table
and the pen to the dotted line, when -
oops! Concern about bathroom size. Are
there even enough bathrooms? Jeez, that a
fire station I hear? How close is it?
Worried looks. Second thoughts.
(MORE)
Shit, it slipped away, but don’t worry
brother, you’ll make the next sale.”
Think that’s the way it goes? BullSHIT!
All they wanna’ know is did you sell the
fuckin’ house?”
Buff leans forward, pounds the script and slides it
across the desk to Jake.
BUFF
YOU DIDN’T SELL THE FUCKIN’ HOUSE! I
don’t need writers, Cavanaugh, I need
closers! Killers! And truthfully, I’m not
yet convinced you’re either one.
JAKE
Not sure about a killer, but I’m
definitely a closer. What about the
eulogy? I sold that house, didn’t I?
BUFF
Great job there, I’ll give ya’ that.
JAKE
Then let me come up with a new ending.
Maybe we can work one out together and -
BUFF
No.
JAKE
No?
BUFF
You’re not hearing me, kid, this isn’t
about writing, it’s about spirit, spunk
determination, heart...(grabs crotch)
...balls! Stickin’ with it ‘til every
drop of blood is sucked from the - rock.
JAKE
The rock?
BUFF
Bottom line?
Releasing his crotch, he leans forward.
JAKE
Yes?
BUFF
I think Stelle’s fuckin’ around.
JAKE
What?
BUFF
My wife - Estelle? Think she’s cheatin’
on me.
Buff sits back.
JAKE
That’s - terrible.
BUFF
A lousy ending, Jackie Boy, not the kind
I had in mind.
JAKE
Wow, can I relate to that, only yesterday
my girlfriend -
BUFF
Girlfriend? We’re talkin’ wife here, man.
Fourth one, granted, but still a wife who
I’d bet my left nut is fuckin’ around, so
I want a rewrite.
JAKE
A rewrite?
BUFF
Exactly! A new ending. But it’s gonna’
take a little research. A little back
story, if you get my drift.
JAKE
With all due respect sir, you’ve lost me.
BUFF
See what I mean? You don’t even think
like a closer!
JAKE
Thought I was here to talk about -
Buff pounds on the desk.
BUFF
Whatever I want to talk about!
Buff walks to the window, stares down at the traffic.
BUFF
Let me spell it out for ya’. I’m goin’
away on business for a few days and I
want you to hang out and sort of - keep
an eye on things for me.
Walking back to the desk, Buff opens a drawer, removes a
CELL PHONE and slaps it onto the script.
JAKE
What’s that?
BUFF
What’s it look like?
JAKE
A cell phone.
BUFF
It’s more than a cell phone.
JAKE
It is?
BUFF
It’s a burner phone. A direct line to me.
JAKE
I see.
BUFF
Do you?
JAKE
You want me to spy on your wife.
BUFF
I want you to report what you see -
should come naturally to a writer?
JAKE
But why me? Why not a private detective?
BUFF
Motivation.
JAKE
Motivation?
BUFF
Detective’s just a hired hand. Only in it
for the green. I need more than a dick
willing to duck into alleys for a few
G’s, I need a junkyard dog - a dog
willin’ to chase a tomcat into a ten
alarm fire. A dog with guts, smarts, grit
and heart - with balls so big they scrape
the sidewalk. I need - A CLOSER.
JAKE
But I thought that you thought I wasn’t -
BUFF
Get me the proof I need to freeze that
cheatin’ little bitch out of my pockets,
and you’ll get what we both know you
really want - a greenlighted script.
Buff slides the script and the cell phone toward him.
BUFF
Deal?
Gulping, Jake slowly takes them.
BUFF
Good boy.
Buff hits the intercom.
BUFF
Gilda, would you ask Estelle to step in
for a second, please?
GILDA (O.S.)
Yes, sir.
He releases the intercom button.
BUFF
Shoulda’ known the bitch would cheat on
me.
JAKE
Why?
BUFF
Met her at a Relationship Retreat in the
Catskills. You know, that “Men Are From
Saturn, Women Are From Uranus” bullshit.
JAKE
What’s wrong with that?
BUFF
It was for married couples and we weren’t
- to each other, that is. By the second
night, we were bangin’ like rabbits in
the pantry. Jackie Boy, the tofu and
ginseng were flyin’ off the shelves.
JAKE
That’s Jake.
Office door suddenly opens. Estelle enters.
ESTELLE
Need me, Peaches?...(sees Jake)...Well,
look who’s here.
Jake stands, again sending the chair flying backward.
JAKE
Shit.
BUFF
You make our friend a little nervous.
JAKE
I’m fine. Nice seeing you again, Mrs.
Lawrence.
ESTELLE
Call me Estelle.
BUFF
Why not? Everyone else does.
He snickers, she sneers.
BUFF
Jack’ll be around while I’m away. He’ll
be runnin’ some errands, doin’ some
filing, few chores here and there. Might
have even found myself a new client here
...(raps script)...shit’s pretty good.
JAKE
Thanks.
ESTELLE
You look like a man with - discipline.
Jake’s nervous gulp cuts through the silent tension.
BUFF
That’s all, Estelle, just wanted you to
know.
ESTELLE
Guess I’ll be seein’ you around then.
JAKE
Yes, m’am.
ESTELLE
Estelle.
JAKE
Yes m’am - Estelle.
She leers at Buff and exits. The door slams behind her.
BUFF
Bitch! See what I mean?
JAKE (O.S.)
Not sure I -
The pencil in Buff’s hands snaps.
BUFF
It’s written all over her face. She’s
fuckin’ around on me and I want you to
catch her and whoever she’s fuckin’ on
that fuckin’ burner phone’s camera and
send it to me, you fuckin’ got me?
Jake staring at the broken pencil.
JAKE
Fuckin’ a.
BUFF
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a
shitload of things to do before I catch
my plane - oh, I almost forgot -
Reaching into his shirt pocket, he removes a BUSINESS
CARD.
BUFF
Now that you’re almost officially on the
payroll, there’s a little errand I need
you to run for me.
JAKE
Errand?
BUFF
That’s right. Don’t mind, do you?
JAKE
Uhh, no, not at all.
He extends the card to Jake.
BUFF
Good. I want you to pick up Mickey for
me.
JAKE
Mickey? But I thought Mickey was -
BUFF
Buried? Nah, that was just an empty box.
Go on, take this.
Buff shakes the card at him.
BUFF
That was all show - ceremonial - now take
the damn card already!
He does, studying it.
VITELLI BROTHERS TAXIDERMY
Preserving with pride
300 City Island Avenue, Bronx NY 10462
BUFF
I had Mickey stuffed.
JAKE
Stuffed?
BUFF
Yeah, stuffed. Vito’s an old friend from
the neighborhood, I’m sure he did a great
job on the Mickster.
JAKE
I’m sure he did. And the errand?
BUFF
Drive to City Island, pick Mickey up and
bring him back here to me by eight. Need
directions?
JAKE
I know the way.
BUFF
Good.
Buff stands and walks toward the huge fireplace,
cluttered mantle of which has an empty space at center.
BUFF
Have his spot already picked out.
He turns to Jake.
BUFF
I’m offerin’ you a chance to finally give
Lady Luck the high hard one, so just make
sure you’re back here with Mickey by
eight or else -
JAKE
Or else what?
BUFF
Or else it’ll just be another lousy
ending. Won’t it, Jackie Boy?
Buff exits as Jake fidgets with the business card.
JAKE
That’s Jake.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
37 -
A Call of Apologies
EXT. FIFTH AVENUE & 12TH STREET - SOON AFTER
Jake at one of the last PHONE BOOTHS in Manhattan.
JAKE
Moe, it’s me, just leaving a message to
let you know - hello? Moe, that you?
INT. MORRIS’ KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Phone cradled in his neck, Morris wears a white dress
shirt, club tie, tweety bird boxer shorts and gartered
black knee socks, while slathering mayonnaise onto bread.
MORRIS
I’m home alright. Grogan had an armed
guard escort me to my brand new, unpaid
for, crushed luxury vehicle.
EXT. MANHATTAN PHONE BOOTH - CONTINUOUS
Jake talks to Moe, a LINE of MEN forming behind outside.
JAKE
You know how sorry I am about that.
MORRIS (O.S.)
Sorrys won’t fix the windshield. So how’d
it go with the grieving agent?
JAKE
Pretty good. Look, I don’t think I’ll be
back ‘til after ten, so don’t wait up.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
38 -
Disconnected Plans
INT. MORRIS’ KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Morris, eating the sandwich.
MORRIS
Gee, that’s too bad, thought maybe we
could catch a movie later.
EXT. MANHATTAN PHONE BOOTH - CONTINUOUS
Line of ANGRY MEN is now six deep behind him.
JAKE
You wanna’ see a movie with me?
MORRIS (O.S.)
Alright, so I’m a martyr and a masochist.
JAKE
Settle for a ride to City Island?
MORRIS (O.S.)
City Island?
JAKE
Hafta’ run up there for Buff. I could
pick you up on the way.
INT. MORRIS’ BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Morris prepares a bubble bath.
MORRIS
When should I be ready? Jake? Jake!
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
39 -
Frantic Pursuit
EXT. PHONE BOOTH - CONTINUOUS
Distracted Jake, mouth agape, phone still against his
ear, as a VERY LARGE GUY pounds on the phone booth door.
VERY LARGE GUY
Hey, buddy, ya’ talkin’ or walkin’?
Jake’s POV, looking East on 12th from Fifth, as a scarf-
covered, trench-coated Marguerita ascends from the
basement steps of Buff’s brownstone and walks in the
opposite direction.
MORRIS (O.S.)
Jake, are you there? Jake!
VERY LARGE MAN (O.S.)
Hey, buddy!
JAKE
Be downstairs in an hour!
He hangs up and walks in Marguerita’s direction. The line
of MEN behind him applauds.
Marguerita reaches UNIVERSITY PLACE, hailing a taxi, as
Jake breaks into a gallup -
JAKE
Damn!
- just as Marguerita climbs into a TAXI.
JAKE
Marguerita!
The taxi pulls away just as Jake reaches the corner. He
removes the BURNER PHONE from his pocket, raising to take
a picture, but it flies from his hand, landing in a
large, dirty PUDDLE, bubbling as it goes under.
JAKE
Shit.
He turns and walks toward Fifth, suddenly freezing.
EXT. BUFF’S BROWNSTONE - CONTINUOUS
Jake’s POV of Buff hustling down the STAIRCASE and
entering another taxi. Speeding down the block past Jake,
the taxi screeches left onto University Place, just as a
BLACK, LATE MODEL CAR with darkened windows parked right
before him, revs up, peels out and takes a hard left onto
University, clearly following Buff’s taxi. Jake bolts
back toward Fifth and his bug.
Genres:
["Drama","Thriller"]
Ratings
Scene
40 -
The Impatient Ride
EXT. MORRIS’ BUILDING - SOON AFTER
Jake’s impatiently honks the bug’s horn.
JAKE
Come on, let’s go.
Lobby doors open and Morris exits the building wearing a
faded, olive-green CORDUROY SPORT JACKET, BELL-BOTTOM
JEANS and VERY tight TIE-DYED T-SHIRT, all of which fail
to cover his huge, jiggling pale belly. He waddles toward
the bug.
MORRIS
Hey, Jakie.
JAKE
What took you so long?
Opening the door, he slides in.
MORRIS
Getting dressed. Where’s the fire?
The Bug peels out - sort of.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
41 -
Suspicion on the Road
INT. JAKE’S BUG - CONTINUOUS
Jake stares at Morris’ stomach.
JAKE
Where did you dig up that outfit?
MORRIS
Part of my collection, you like?
JAKE
Oh yeah, especially the way it showcases
your belly button.
Morris stretches the T-shirt as far over his stomach as
the material allows, then closes the jacket.
MORRIS
Don’t judge me.
JAKE
Who’s judging?
MORRIS
Guess it’s kinda’ tight, huh?
JAKE
Just a little. Moe, how hard is it to
track down a taxi?
MORRIS
I don’t follow.
JAKE
One hour ago, Marguerita jumped into taxi
number 5N626, closely followed by Buff in
taxi number 2W919, which was followed by
a late model Lincoln wearin’ G-2350.
MORRIS
You an savant or did you just grow a
photographic memory?
JAKE
A writer thing. Could’ve used the camera
in the cell phone he gave me, but I
drowned it.
MORRIS
Who he?
JAKE
Buff.
MORRIS
Why’d he give you a cell phone?
JAKE
To spy on his wife.
MORRIS
So now you’re a stalker?
JAKE
He thinks she’s cheating on him and wants
me to find the proof.
MORRIS
What’s that gotta’ do with screenplays?
JAKE
I get the proof, he gets me sold.
MORRIS
Ah, show biz.
JAKE
Something fishy’s going on, Morris.
MORRIS
Is that why we’re going to City Island?
JAKE
We’re going to City Island to pick up
Mickey.
MORRIS
Who’s Mickey?
JAKE
Buff’s dog.
MORRIS
I thought he was dead.
JAKE
He’s stuffed. We’re headed to the
Taxidermist.
MORRIS
Yuck.
JAKE
But I also want to find out where that
taxi was taking Marguerita and I’d bet
everything I got Buff was following her.
MORRIS
You don’t have anything, remember?
Jake sneers at him.
MORRIS
And what if he was? Big whoop!
JAKE
I also have the feeling that narc-mobile
was following Buff.
MORRIS
This whole thing’s starting to get to
you, Jakie.
JAKE
Tellin’ ya’, there’s a stink in the air
and it smells like trouble.
MORRIS
And who’d know trouble better than you?
JAKE
You’re in law enforcement, how can we
trace these taxis while we’re pickin’ up
Mickey?
A grinning Morris slowly removes a CELL from his JEANS.
JAKE
I love you!
MORRIS
Grogan’s. Rat bastard never asked for it
back and I just might know someone who
can help us.
He dials.
JAKE
We need to find the drivers, their
garages, their trip sheets, their -
MORRIS
Shush! Heshy? That you?...Hesh, it’s Moe,
Moe Bernstein...eh, I’ll pass with a
push, how ‘bout you?...The family?
Great...Hesh, I’ve got myself a little
situation here and I need to get a quick
make on two yella’s and a G-spot.
EXT. HUTCHINSON RIVER PARKWAY - CONTINUOUS
CHOIR sings “TALK TO THE ANIMALS” as the bug passes a
SIGN reading ORCHARD BEACH/CITY ISLAND-1 MILE.
EXT. - CITY ISLAND BRIDGE - MOMENTS LATER
Bug crosses the bridge to the sound of JINGLING DOOR
CHIMES as music fades.
Genres:
["Comedy","Mystery","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
42 -
A Spooky Encounter at the Taxidermy Shop
INT. - VITELLI BROTHERS TAXIDERMY - SOON AFTER
Morris shuts the jingling door behind him as he and Jake
take in the view, mouths agape, at the stuffed BIRDS,
small and not so small MAMMALS, AMPHIBIANS and large
INSECTS that clutter the dark and gloomy TAXIDERMY SHOP.
JAKE
Spooky, huh?
MORRIS
Kinda’ like a funhouse without the fun.
They look up and gasp at a nine-foot tall BROWN BEAR,
frozen in its final pre-attack pounce.
MORRIS
Holy shit, that looks real.
JAKE
It is real.
RASPY MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Can I help you?
They jump.
JAKE
What the hell’s that?
MORRIS
A talking bear?
RASPY MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Down here, boys.
A gnarled, wiry thin OLD MAN in a PLAID SHIRT, SLACKS and
SLIPPERS, peeks out from behind the bear.
JAKE
We’re looking for Vito. Vito Vitelli.
OLD MAN
Who wants him?
JAKE
I’m Jake, he’s Morris.
OLD MAN
I’m not impressed.
MORRIS
We’re here to make a pickup.
OLD MAN
For who?
JAKE
For Buff Lawrence.
OLD MAN
Now I’m impressed. I’m Vito.
Vito cracks an almost toothless grin.
JAKE
You’re Vito?
VITO
For the past seventy-five years.
He motions them to come closer. They do.
VITO
Either of you boys have a cigarette?
They shake their heads.
VITO
Fuck.
They wince from the glare Vito’s DIAMOND STUDDED PINKY
RING throws, and the MAMA the huge diamonds spell out.
VITO
Something wrong?
JAKE
Nice ring.
VITO
My hobby, you like?
MORRIS
Very Liberace.
VITO
Funny you should mention him. I designed
the ring for his 60th birthday. Mama was
a big fan.
JAKE
Most Mamas were.
VITO
He was pretty good for a fag.
MORRIS
As fags go.
Jake elbows Morris.
VITO
Prefer Tony Bennett myself.
MORRIS
Shocker.
VITO
‘Scuse me?
MORRIS
Nothing.
Vito notices Jake’s bruises.
VITO
What happened to your face, kid?
JAKE
Just a little fall.
VITO
Might have something for that.
JAKE
No, thanks, that’s okay.
MORRIS
Come on, Jakie, he’s only trying to help.
VITO
Your friend’s right.
JAKE
I’m fine...(leering at Morris)...perfect.
VITO
It’s your face. So what can I do for you
boys?
JAKE
Mickey.
VITO
Who’s Mickey?
JAKE
The dog. Buff’s Chihuahua?
VITO
Oh, that’s right...(he nods)...back here.
He leads them around the bear to a doorway behind it.
Genres:
["Comedy","Crime","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
43 -
Taxidermy Tales and Canine Legends
INT. TAXIDERMIST WORKSHOP - CONTINUOUS
Amazed Jake & Morris enter behind the beaming Vito.
VITO
This is my workshop.
JAKE
Wow.
MORRIS
Holy Frankenstein, Batman.
JAKE
Shhh!
Vito’s WORKSHOP: TABLES & SHELVES stuffed with CREATURES
of all species, shapes & sizes in various stages of
restoration. At center is a WORKBENCH on which a
CHIHUAHUA stands.
VITO
He’s right over here.
Vito leads Jake & Morris to the workbench.
VITO
I was just puttin’ some finishin’ touches
on him.
Picking up and turning on a HAIR DRYER, Vito waves it
back and forth between Chihuahua's belly and groin.
MORRIS
Talk about a blowjob.
Jake elbows him.
MORRIS
Ow!
VITO
Buff’s like a son to me. Knew him since
he was this high.
He lowers the dryer dangerously close to a nervous
Morris’ groin, then back up to Mickey’s.
VITO
He was a special kid alright. Shit, he
managed to get himself into our gang and
Clemmy Parisi would never let a spook on
the block, much less in our gang.
JAKE
Clemmy Parisi?
MORRIS
The Clemmy Parisi?
VITO
Heard of him?
JAKE
Who hasn’t?
VITO
Well, this kid hadn’t, ‘cause he started
comin’ around with that broke dick
shoeshine kit of his, beggin’ to get in
and - that’s how he got his name, ya’
know - Buff? Real name’s Dwight. Dwight
David Lawrence. His Mama named him after
Eisenhower. Didn’t know that, did ya’?
JAKE
Can’t say that I did.
MORRIS
So how did he get in?
VITO
One day Clemmy’s mongrel Douchebag got
loose and wound up with its paw stuck in
the subway tracks.
JAKE
His dog’s name was Douchebag?
VITO
Yeah - and the stupid mutt got this close
to bein’ squooshed under a Dyre Avenue
Local when who do ya’ think pops up out
of nowhere, jumps in front of the train
with a blade in his hand, slices off
Douchebag’s right leg and yanks the lucky
little son-of-a-bitch off the tracks?
MORRIS
Dwight?
JAKE
What happened to him after that?
VITO
He became the proud papa of five little
ones.
JAKE
Buff has five kids?
VITO
What Buff? I’m talkin’ Douchebag!
MORRIS
The weird gets weirder.
VITO
After Clemmy had his stump sewed up, that
mutt went right out and knocked up the
first bitch he could find. Two months and
five pups later, old Douchebag was a
daddy. You’re lookin’ at one of the pups
right now.
JAKE
Mickey was the son of Douchebag?
VITO
One of five.
MORRIS
So the eight inch dog with the nine inch
dick had a three-legged father?
VITO
And a deaf mother. Never knew what hit
her.
Jake and Morris stare at each other incredulously.
VITO
Mickey was a gift from Clemmy to Buff -
along with membership in the gang.
Lifetime membership.
JAKE
Is there any other kind?
VITO
Sure we took a little heat from the other
bosses, but in no time at all he had them
afraid of their own shadows, probably
‘cause he could freakin’ hide in ‘em...
(laughs)...lot of the boys resented him,
so he’d always get the dirtiest jobs, but
the son-of-a-bitch always aome through.
Balls the size of melons, I tell ya’.
JAKE
How’d he get to be an agent?
VITO
Buff liked managin’ things. Ya’ know,
handlin’ people, arrangin’ shit, settin’
up the meetings and deals. So one day he
goes up to Clemmy and says he wants to be
in show biz - be an agent.
(MORE)
So Clemmy sits down, writes out a blank
check and hands it to Buff, and says,
”This is for Douchebag.” Jjust like that,
Buff was in business.
Vito shuts the dryer and pats Mickey on the head.
VITO
So whatta’ ya’ think?
Jake and Morris eye the stuffed Chihuahua, its mouth
slightly agape and tongue out, as if it were panting.
JAKE
Incredible.
MORRIS
Mister Vitelli, you are an artiste.
JAKE
Looks like he could jump off the table.
Vito lays the dryer down.
VITO
You’re jerkin’ me off, but at my age it’s
better than a kick in the nuts.
JAKE
I’m being serious, that’s great work.
MORRIS
A masterpiece!
Vito points to a roll of INDUSTRIAL SIZE PLASTIC BAGGING.
VITO
Tear one of those off for me, will ya’,
kid?
JAKE
Sure.
Jake unrolls a length of baggie and rips it off.
VITO
Now open it up and let’s slide him in.
A desperate looking Vito puts his face against Morris’.
VITO
Trade ya’ a box of cannolis for a smoke.
Genres:
["Comedy","Crime","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
44 -
Bridge of Chaos
EXT. WHITESTONE BRIDGE - SOON AFTER
CHORUS sings ZIP-A-DEE-DOO-DAH as the Bug crosses the
bridge.
INT. - BUG - CONTINUOUS
Jake drives as Morris holds the bagged Chihuahua.
MORRIS
I’m not happy Jake.
JAKE
I can tell, you haven’t said a word in
two and a half minutes.
MORRIS
Aside from skeevin’ me out, this damn
thing is heavy.
JAKE
Jesus Christ, Moe, it’s a Chihuahua, not
a Great Dane!
MORRIS
Feels like an elephant and could you
please turn that shit off!
JAKE
Don’t like it, you turn it off.
MORRIS
Thank you, I will.
He ejects the CD, tipping the Chihuahua over.
MORRIS
Oops!
He catches it.
JAKE
Careful! We can’t let anything happen to
Mickey while he’s in my care.
MORRIS
Please stop referring to him as Mickey,
like there’s a real dog in my lap, he’s -
it’s - nothin’ but a pound of stuffed
pelt on an oak slab.
JAKE
That stuffed pelt means everything to
Buff, and as long as it means everything
to Buff, it means everything to me, so if
you don’t mind, make sure the pelt
doesn’t hit its head on the dashboard.
MORRIS
I can’t even stand real dogs, much less -
CELL rings.
JAKE
Get that, maybe it’s about the taxis.
Morris balances the Chihuahua with one hand and fumbles
for the ringing cell with the other.
JAKE
Answer it!
MORRIS
I’m trying!
JAKE
Give him to me.
MORRIS
You’re driving.
JAKE
I have two hands, don’t I?
MORRIS
So do I.
JAKE
But I’m not a spastic, now give!
Morris hands off the Chihuahua to Jake.
JAKE
Shit, he is heavy!
A third ring as Morris removes the cell, clicking it on.
MORRIS
Hello...hello?...Hesh?...Hesh, that you?
...Great, what’d you find out?
JAKE
What’s he saying?
MORRIS
Nothing yet...yeah...okay...then where?
JAKE
Come on, already.
MORRIS
You’re shittin’ me.
JAKE
What?
MORRIS
Both of them?
JAKE
What!
MORRIS
Thanks, Heshy...yeah, a big help...I owe
ya’...right...see ya’ in temple.
He hangs up.
JAKE
Jesus Christ, would you give it up
already? What the hell did he find out?
MORRIS
You’re going the wrong way.
JAKE
What?
MORRIS
You heard me, turn this jalopy around.
JAKE
Why?
MORRIS
There’s nothing on the G-plates, but you
were right about the taxis - both made
drop-offs at the same exact building.
JAKE
They did? Where? Come on, Morris!
MORRIS
Yours!
EXT. AERIAL VIEW - CONTINUOUS
WHITESTONE BRIDGE from above as Jake’s Bug screeches into
another desperate, MID-SPAN U-TURN.
JAKE & MORRIS (O.S.)
Ahhhh!
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama","Mystery"]
Ratings
Scene
45 -
Highway Tension and Comedic Mishaps
EXT. HUTCHINSON RIVER PARKWAY - MOMENTS LATER
The straining bug chugs along.
JAKE (O.S.)
How could she live in my building without
me ever seeing her?
MORRIS (O.S.)
Only one way.
JAKE (O.S.)
What’s that?
MORRIS (O.S.)
She didn’t want you to.
INT. BUG - CONTINUOUS
Jake and Morris in the front seat.
JAKE
But why? Why wouldn’t she want me to?
MORRIS
I don’t know how yet, but you are being
jerked around big time, Jakie - watch
that car!
The bug screeches as they grimace.
INT. STATE TROOPER VEHICLE - MOMENTS LATER
Safely out of view behind a clump of official parkway
median shrubbery, TROOPER GRAY, powdered donut in mouth,
uncaps a steaming hot large coffee, just as the familiar
APPLE GREEN VW chugs by, belching thick black smoke from
behind.
TROOPER GRAY
Holy shit, it’s that son-of-a-bitch!
His donut suddenly falls. Reaching for it, he spills a
full cup of scalding coffee onto his lap. He screams.
TROOPER GRAY
Ahhhhhhhh!
Genres:
["Mystery","Thriller","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
46 -
The Great Chihuahua Eye Chase
INT. BUG - CONTINUOUS
Morris scrambles on the Bug’s floor as Jake drives with a
now partially uncovered Chihuahua in his lap.
JAKE
You had to take it out of the bag?
MORRIS
It’s my way of conquering fear. I look it
square in the eye.
Jake stares at Mickey, head un-bagged, ONE EYE MISSING.
JAKE
Would that be the one still in his head
or the one rolling around the floor of my
car?
Morris burrows around the floor.
MORRIS
Shit, it’s gotta’ be down here somewhere,
I saw it pop out...(he looks up)...don’t
look at me like it was my fault!
JAKE
Then whose was it?
MORRIS
Yours, thanks to that very illegal U-turn
you almost killed us making.
JAKE
I don’t make that turn, we lose half an
hour easy! Find it yet?
MORRIS
No, and why does it need both eyes
anyway? Not like it can see or anything.
JAKE
Dead or alive, I don’t think Buff would
appreciate me turning his pride and joy
into a canine cyclops!
MORRIS
Then let’s stop by Fester’s Funhouse,
pick up a bag of marbles and -
JAKE
Don’t even say it, just keep looking -
shit, there’s the exit, hold on.
MORRIS
Thank God, my knees haven’t been this
sore since Teddy Blair’s Labor Day
Bratwurst Bash.
JAKE
I’m being forced to return to the scene
of my life’s greatest humiliation and
you’re giving me sausage jokes.
MORRIS
There’s nothing funny about a Teddy Blair
Bratwurst Bash.
JAKE
Speaking of which, could you please get
up here and take him, my lap is numb.
EXT. PARKWAY EXIT RAMP - CONTINUOUS
Bug veers off the EXIT RAMP and onto Jake’s block.
EXT. JAKE’S APARTMENT BUILDING - CONTINUOUS
Bug screeches to a halt at the building entrance.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
47 -
Urgent Banter
INT. - BUG - CONTINUOUS
Jake hands the one-eyed, stuffed Chihuahua to Morris.
MORRIS
Why do I hafta’ hold it?
JAKE
You break it, you hold it.
MORRIS
But I didn’t break it!
JAKE
And be careful where you step, you might
crush the eye.
MORRIS
Oh, I’ll be careful alright.
Morris begins stomping his feet.
MORRIS
There! Hope I pulverized it!
JAKE
Great! Just make sure they spell my name
right on the headstone.
A WOMAN’S SHRIEKS suddenly come from the building.
JAKE
That’s Marguerita!
MORRIS
How can you tell?
JAKE
I’d recognize that accent anywhere, now
give me that!
Jake grabs the chihuahua from Morris and opens the door.
MORRIS
You’re taking it with you?
JAKE
The way this day’s going, somebody’ll
break in and steal him.
Shrieks intensify as a DOG begins to bark.
JAKE
He’s killing her.
They bolt from the Bug, but Jake suddenly stops.
MORRIS
What’s wrong?
JAKE
Just thought of something.
MORRIS
Please don’t, every time you think,
something bad happens.
JAKE
What if I run into “them”?
MORRIS
Congratulate her, kick him in the balls,
then kvell over what they won’t be able
to do for the next two weeks.
The Woman screams again, only louder.
JAKE
Let’s go!
They run toward the entrance.
Genres:
["Comedy","Mystery","Thriller"]
Ratings
Scene
48 -
Tension on the Ascent
INT. LATE MODEL LINCOLN - CONTINUOUS
POV of an unseen PASSENGER looking past a sharply-
dressed, SUN-GLASSED DRIVER, and across the street at
Jake & Morris, who enter the building. Driver turns back
toward the Passenger.
DRIVER
I’d better deal with this.
EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS
Driver exits the Lincoln, a shoulder-holstered REVOLVER
peeking out from beneath his jacket.
INT. BUILDING - CONTINUOUS
Jake lugs the Chihuahua up the first flight of stairs, as
Morris brings up the rear. SCREAMS and BARKING now echo
throughout the halls as they reach the second floor.
MORRIS
Where’s it coming from?
JAKE
How would I know?
MORRIS
You’re the one who lives here!
JAKE
Lived, Morris, LIVED!
MORRIS
I need a favor?
JAKE
What’s that?
MORRIS
Can I use your bathroom? I’ve gotta’ take
a wicked piss.
JAKE
Climb! And quietly - I don’t want the
bitch to hear us.
Jake & Morris reach the third floor. They look around.
MORRIS
Not here.
JAKE
Thank you, God - higher.
They tip-toe to the stairs and climb.
Genres:
["Thriller","Mystery"]
Ratings
Scene
49 -
Urgent Ascent
INT. BUILDING LOBBY - CONTINUOUS
Driver quietly climbs the first flight of stairs.
INT. FOURTH FLOOR OF BUILDING - CONTINUOUS
Jake reaching the FOURTH FLOOR, a wheezing Morris lagging
behind.
JAKE
We’re getting warmer, next floor.
MORRIS
It’s gonna’ be on six, guaranteed.
JAKE
Holy shit, you’ve got the cell!
MORRIS
So?
JAKE
So call 911 and tell them to send the
cops.
MORRIS
Can I rest here while I call?
JAKE
No!
MORRIS
What do I say?
JAKE
How about “Hurry, there’s a woman being
murdered?”
Genres:
["Thriller","Mystery"]
Ratings
Scene
50 -
Breaking Down Barriers
INT. SECOND FLOOR OF BUILDING - CONTINUOUS
Driver reaches the second floor, slowly removing a
revolver as Morris’ voice echoes from above.
MORRIS (O.S.)
911?...Hurry, there’s a woman being
murdered!...2523 Williamsbridge...
INT. FIFTH FLOOR OF BUILDING - CONTINUOUS
Jake reaches the fifth floor, checking up and down the
hall as Morris finally arrives.
MORRIS
...cause we can hear her screaming,
that’s how - listen!
He holds the cell out.
MORRIS
(Back into cell)
Happy?...We don’t know what apartment
yet, we’re still...look, I thought this
number was for emergencies...then what
the hell are you waiting for, just send
somebody, okay?...Thank you!
He disconnects.
MORRIS
Like being trapped in a moron sandwich.
JAKE
Not here, next floor.
They climb toward the SIXTH FLOOR, just as the Driver
ascends from an adjoining staircase. Reaching the sixth
floor, Jake checks each door, stopping at, and passing,
several before putting his ear against the last one, just
as Morris appears.
MORRIS
Sixth floor, what did I tell ya’?
JAKE
This is it! They’re in here!
MORRIS
Now what?
JAKE
We break it down, what else?
Marguerita suddenly wails as a dog howls.
JAKE
Shit!
MORRIS
Get behind me.
Carefully setting the Chihuahua onto the tile floor, Jake
braces himself behind Morris.
MORRIS
On the count of three, push. One.
JAKE & MORRIS
Two. Three! Ahhhh!
They charge across the hallway, crashing against the door
and blasting it off its hinges.
Genres:
["Thriller","Mystery","Crime"]
Ratings
Scene
51 -
Unexpected Intrusion
INT. APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Morris riding door to the floor, Jake on top, as a
deafening scream rings out. Jake scrambles to his feet.
JAKE
Let her go, you son-of-a-bitch, before I -
oh, no, not again.
Jake’s mouth drops as Morris finally wobbles to his feet.
MORRIS
You heard him, get your filthy doggie-doo
scoopin’ paws off her or else - oops.
His mouth also drops.
MORRIS
Aw, shit.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Dusk-light shines through a large, OPEN WINDOW onto an
OPEN SOFA BED, where a naked Marguerita lies atop an
equally buff Buff, frozen mid-69.
Also on the bed and very much alive stands a barking
Mickey, who leaps over PACKED SUITCASES and DOGGY TRAVEL
CASE at the foot of the bed, landing before Jake & Morris
with a growl much larger than his size. A furious
Marguerita looks up from between Buff’s legs.
MARGUERITA
What the fock you doing here?
JAKE
What the fock am I doing here? This is my
building, what the fock are you doing
there?
MORRIS
That’s obvious.
Buff shoots up from between Marguerita’s legs, the GUN in
his hand pointed at Jake & Morris.
BUFF
What the fuck are you doin’ here?
JAKE
What the fuck are you doing there?
BUFF
I asked you first.
MORRIS
No, actually she asked Jake first, Jake
asked her second, you asked him third and
Jake asked you -
JAKE, MARGUERITA & BUFF
Shut up!
Jake points at a snarling Mickey.
JAKE
And what the fuck is he doing here?
MORRIS
Growling.
Jake leers at Morris as he turns, steps onto the door and
walks toward the doorway.
BUFF
Where the fuck do ya’ think you’re goin’?
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Reaching into the hallway, Jake scoops up the stuffed
Chihuahua, not noticing the Driver pressed flat against
the wall, revolver drawn.
BUFF (O.S.)
Yo! I’m talkin’ to you, Jack.
Genres:
["Comedy","Crime","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
52 -
Chaos and Confessions
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Jake re-enters with the stuffed Chihuahua.
JAKE
That’s Jake! And if that’s Mickey, who’s
this, his twin brother?
BUFF
Just give me the dog!
JAKE
Which one?
BUFF
The stuffed one, smart ass.
Mickey sees the stuffed Chihuahua and goes wild, leaping
straight up, over and over, trying to get at it.
MORRIS
Better get in line.
JAKE
(To Mickey)
Here, go play with yourself.
He tosses the stuffed Chihuahua onto floor, where it
lands upright with a thump.
BUFF
No!!!!
Mickey pounces on the Chihuahua, humping it wildly.
BUFF
Mickey, no! Back off!
JACK
Like father, like son.
MORRIS
And brother.
MARGUERITA
Das disgusteen.
BUFF
Mickey!
MORRIS
I’m way too innocent for this scene.
Jake turns to Marguerita.
JAKE
Nice luggage - going somewhere?
MARGUERITA
Ees none of your beezness!
Marguerita jumps off the sofa bed, the sheet drops,
revealing a FLAT CHEST and VERY FULL THONG, which wide-
eyed Jake and Morris stare at.
JAKE
You see what I see?
MORRIS
Ay, Chihuahua!
MARGUERITA
(In deep MALE VOICE)
Shit!...(back to Marguerita’s voice)...
I mean...sheet!
Marguerita grabs the sheet and wraps it around herself,
as Buff covers his crotch with a pillow.
MARGUERITA
I know dees would go all focked up!
BUFF
It’s not all focked up, I’ll straighten
everything out, okay?
MARGUERITA
Then do somesing for crysake!
JAKE
That’s right, Buff, do somesing.
Buff stands, gun in one hand, pillow in the other.
BUFF
Alright you two numbskulls, shut your
mouths and close the door.
JAKE
How?
BUFF
Just walk over, lift it up and put it
back the way you found it. I’d hate to
disturb the neighbors.
JAKE
How thoughtful.
MORRIS
Mind if I use the bathroom first?
BUFF
Yes. Now do it!
They run toward the door and lift it.
MORRIS
That’s why you never saw Marguerita in
your building, ‘cause she never was
Marguerita when you saw her.
BUFF
Shut up and lift!
They set the door back into the frame.
BUFF (O.S.)
That’s more like it, now get over to that
window.
MORRIS
The open one?
MARGUERITA
The unly one!
BUFF
Now!
They slowly shuffle toward the open window, next to a
COAT RACK on which a pair of BLACK SUNGLASSES rest atop a
long, scraggly DARK WIG.
JAKE
OK, so what I don’t understand is, if she
isn’t Marguerita, then who -
He bumps into the rack, knocking the wig and glasses to
the floor.
JAKE
Wait a -
He scoops them up.
JAKE
It’s you!
MARGUERITA
(In SPACEY GUY’S voice)
Hey, those are mine, man...(grabs wig)...
right back, gotta’ take a wicked piss.
MORRIS
Me too.
BUFF
Shut up!
Marguerita/Spacey Guy dashes toward the bathroom. Jake
rushes after him.
JAKE
Hey, get back here!
Jake runs right into the barrel of Buff’s gun as
Marguerita/Spacey Guy disappears.
BUFF
You two aren’t goin’ anywhere.
MORRIS
We’re not?
BUFF
Only ones leavin’ here are Mickey, his
brother, me and Marguerita.
JAKE
Marguerita my ass, that’s -
BUFF
A work in progress, a masterpiece in the
making, and in around three hours, we’ll
be on a one way trip to our very own
uncharted Paradise where the final
strokes of genius will be applied to the
lovely Marguerita.
MORRIS
You mean removed.
JAKE
And let me guess who’s paying for this
little makeover - your clients?
BUFF
Let’s just say I’m upping my percentage.
I get a hundred percent, they keep the
rest.
He chortles.
BUFF
You and Fatboy, however, have reached
your final destination.
MORRIS
We have?
BUFF
Alive, that is, oh, and as for the
apartment? Rule number one in the Book of
Scams - always stay close to the dope
you’re duping.
JAKE
And I was your dope - I mean dupe?
BUFF
Hand plucked by the lovely Marguerita
herself, and a fine choice - at least
until that boyfriend problem of yours
forced us to move our timetable up a
notch.
JAKE
Yeah, well there’s something you should
know about that boyfriend.
BUFF
I know everything! That’s rule number two
- know everything! Thought we lost you
there for a second. Lucky for us Fatboy
here entered the picture.
MORRIS
Lucky me.
JAKE
Think you’d better listen to -
BUFF
Rule number three - never ride your own
mule.
JAKE
Dupes, mules, what the hell are you -
BUFF
Got a riddle for ya’.
JAKE
Riddle?
BUFF
When is a dog not a dog?
JAKE
Look, you can keep your riddles, we don’t
really care about the money or what you
plan on doin’ with it, and both our
memories are for shit, so -
BUFF
Our audience is waiting, Fatboy.
Buff presses the gun into Morris’ cheek.
BUFF
I’m afraid I must insist on an answer in
three seconds or you’ll be disqualified -
One. Two.
Jake steps between Morris and Buff.
JAKE
Leave him alone.
Morris faints dead away just as the front door crashes
in, the Driver entering with his revolver trained on
Buff, as Jake hits the floor next to Morris.
BUFF
What the -
DRIVER
Drop it!
JAKE
Morris! You OK?
BUFF
Who the fuck are you?
DRIVER
I said drop it! Now!
JAKE
‘Bout time you got here. Morris, wake up,
buddy, wake up!
MORRIS
Uh - oh - wwwoahhh -
JAKE
That’s it, come on, come back to me.
DRIVER
Shut that fat bastard up and you...(to
Buff)...drop the fuckin’ piece NOW!
Buff wavers.
DRIVER
Now!
BUFF
Okay, okay.
Buff carefully drops the gun onto the mattress.
JAKE
Officer, if I may say a word -
The Driver swings his gun toward Jake.
DRIVER
If you do, I’ll drill your molars.
JAKE
Gotcha’.
MORRIS
He sound like a cop to you?
DRIVER
You too, Fatboy!
MORRIS
Would it be possible not to call me -
DRIVER
What the hell’s that noise?
A stunned Driver’s sees the yelping Mickey humping the
stuffed Chihuahua.
DRIVER
What the fuck?
Buff, pointing at the Driver.
BUFF
Sic him, Mickey, sic him!
The humping Mickey doesn’t miss a beat.
MORRIS
Don’t you just hate a dog who can’t stick
and sic at the same time?
BUFF
Worthless piece of meat.
MORRIS
Which one?
DRIVER
Shut up!
Mickey lets out a chilling yowl, suddenly freezes,
separates from the stuffed Chihuahua, wobbles backwards,
keels over, and hits the wood floor with a sick thump.
BUFF
Mickey!
JAKE
That’s it, I demand an explanation!
DRIVER
Shut the fuck up - ALL OF YOU!
FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
I can give you one.
They all turn toward the opening front door, which
suddenly collapses, revealing Estelle, in a TRENCHCOAT,
DARK GLASSES and SCARF, standing in the doorway.
JAKE & BUFF
Holy shit!
DRIVER
What are you doing here?
MORRIS
Who’s that?
JAKE
Buff’s wife.
MORRIS
Lucky girl.
She walks to the center of the room.
ESTELLE
There I was, sitting in the car, suddenly
realizing there was no way I could miss
the perfect ending I’d created for my
faithful hubby and his lab rat...(sees
Jake & Morris)...my, our little party’s
grown.
BUFF
Sneaky bitch.
ESTELLE
Moi? I don’t have to be sneaky, Peaches,
I’m smart...(she turns to Jake)...why are
you here?
JAKE
He wanted me to spy on you because he
thought you were cheating on him.
Estelle howls with laughter.
BUFF
What’s so funny?
ESTELLE
He’s right.
BUFF
I am?
ESTELLE
I was cheating on you.
BUFF
You were?
ESTELLE
Right under your nose. And your desk. And
your -
BUFF
With who, Goddamn it? I wanna’ know who
and I wanna’ know right now!
ESTELLE
Ask your beloved Marguerita - or is it
Marty? He’ll tell you...(screaming toward
BATHROOM)...where are you, my darling
kumquat!
BUFF
Kumquat?
JAKE
That’s one busy fruit.
MORRIS
I should be so lucky.
DRIVER
Hey, none of this was in the package, I
was only supposed to do your husband and
the freak.
BUFF
You tryin’ to tell me that you and him -
JAKE
And my girlfriend!
BUFF
What?
JAKE
I tried tellin’ you, but you know
everything.
MORRIS
She was the vagrant street guy?
BUFF
I’ll be fucked!
ESTELLE
Not if I can help it. Now where the hell
is that two-timin’ tubesteak tugger?
BUFF
The little boy’s room - or is he -
The Driver points the gun at Morris.
DRIVER
You, Fatboy, go in there and get him.
ESTELLE
Oh no, I’ll do the honors.
Estelle walks toward the bathroom.
DRIVER
Here, take this.
Reaching beneath his TROUSER CUFF, he whips a small
HANDGUN from an ANKLE HOLSTER, extending it to her.
ESTELLE
I don’t need that, I’ll just ring his
scrawny neck with my bare hands.
She enters the hallway.
BUFF
(Whispering to Driver)
Let’s you and me have ourselves a little
mano y mano here. Whatever the psycho’s
offerin’, I’ll double it, you got that?
No reaction.
BUFF
OK, then I’ll throw in this ring as a
bonus...(he extends it)...look at those
stones! Each one at least a carat and -
DRIVER
What the hell do you think this is, the
Home Shopping Club?
BUFF
Alright, then I’ll TRIPLE it! We juice my
old lady, the freak, these two halfwits
and off we go our separate ways, only you
walk outta’ here one wealthy fuck.
MORRIS
Love the sentimental type, don’t you?
Estelle suddenly enters, wild eyed.
ESTELLE
He’s gone! The prick is gone!
MORRIS
Already?
DRIVER
Whatta’ ya’ mean, gone?
BUFF
That’s impossible, there’s only one way
in.
Jake peeks out the window, looking down the block.
JAKE
But more than one way out. Either that’s
a Klan member running down the block or
Frankenstein’s Bride just climbed down
the fire escape and is running to
Paradise in a bedsheet!
Driver runs to the window and looks out.
DRIVER
Shit!
ESTELLE
Nice goin’, bucko!
Buff suddenly scoops his gun off the mattress.
JAKE & MORRIS
Shit!
They hit the floor just as Buff & the Driver begin
shooting, Estelle trapped in the crossfire, just as a
crouched Trooper Gray appears in the empty door frame,
gun drawn, a large, wet COFFEE STAIN covering his crotch.
TROOPER GRAY
Drop it!
Jake & Morris hit the floor. covering their heads. Jake
looks up, his mouth drops.
JAKE
That’s the cop who ticketed me!
TROOPER GRAY
Drop your weapons or I’ll open fire!
Gunfire. It stops. Smoke clears. Buff, Estelle & Driver
stand motionless. Estelle drops to the floor, then Buff.
The Driver, wobbling at first, falls backward out the
open window.
TROOPER GRAY
That’s better.
JAKE
Nice work, chief.
TROOPER GRAY
I knew you were up to no good, that’s why
I followed you knuckleheads.
There’s a HUGE CRASH from the STREET.
TROOPER GRAY
What the -
He moves toward the window.
TROOPER GRAY
You just stay put, you’ve got a lot of
explaining to do.
Cautiously skirting around them, he peers out the window
and screams.
EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS
Looking up from street at Trooper Gray’s stunned,
screaming face.
EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS
From Trooper Gray’s POV - the sunglass-ed dead Driver
lying spread-eagled across the PATROL CAR’s crushed roof.
TROOPER GRAY (O.S.)
Holy shit.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Trooper Gray turns back toward Jake & Morris.
TROOPER GRAY
He crushed my patrol car!
Genres:
["Crime","Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
53 -
Evening Drive and Dogged Mysteries
EXT. - BRONX RIVER PARKWAY - EVENING
Bug heads north on Parkway.
INT. - JAKE’S BUG - CONTINUOUS
Jake behind wheel while Morris, the ONE-EYED CHIHUAHUA in
his lap, sits alongside.
JAKE
Thought they were going to lock us up for
sure.
MORRIS
Nobody would make up a story like this
and think they could get away with it.
JAKE
Not in a million years.
MORRIS
So what do you think Buff did with all
that money?
JAKE
Beats me, but it’s gotta’ have something
to do with that stupid riddle. Mmm, when
is a dog not a dog? When is a dog not -
MORRIS
I sure as hell don’t know, neither do the
cops and Buff’s not talkin’.
JAKE
Not unless we hold a seance.
MORRIS
Hey, that’s a great idea!
JAKE
No, that’s a lousy idea!
MORRIS
Look at the bright side, Jakie, if Buff
had signed you on and the script was a
huge success, you’d be broke now.
JAKE
I am broke now.
MORRIS
Ah, but you never had it to miss it,
there’s a big difference.
JAKE
Good point.
MORRIS
You know, I’ve got some leftover pasta
pesto in the fridge and -
JAKE
Sure, why not.
EXT. PARKWAY - CONTINUOUS
Bug veers onto the EXIT RAMP.
Genres:
["Crime","Comedy","Mystery"]
Ratings
Scene
54 -
Diamonds in Chester
INT. MORRIS’ DINING ROOM - LATER
A sated Jake & Morris - post-dinner - sit either end of
Morris’ tufted, PLASTIC SLIPCOVERED SOFA.
MORRIS
Looks good there, don’t you think?
JAKE
Perfect, Morris, just perfect.
Pan to the velvet painting of Morris’ Mother, pan down to
an antique mahogany linen chest, atop of which the ONE-
EYED CHIHUAHUA now rests on a LACE DOILY, several BULLET
HOLES perforating its tiny body.
JAKE (O.S.)
He’s gotta’ have a name.
Jake & Morris admiret the Chihuahua from the sofa.
MORRIS
A name?
JAKE
A name. Look, we know it’s not Mickey, so
we should give him a name.
MORRIS
Okay. How about Chester?
JAKE
Chester? Why Chester?
MORRIS
That was my father’s name.
JAKE
I thought it was Lefty.
MORRIS
That’s what everybody called him, even
me, but his real name was Chester and
since he was kinda’ tiny, loud and stiff
himself -
JAKE
Chester it is.
MORRIS
Why, thank you, Jakie.
JAKE
Gotten sort of attached to the little
bastard.
MORRIS
Me too.
JAKE
Take good care of him for me, will ya’?
MORRIS
He’ll be dusted daily - oh, and I’ll see
about replacing that eye.
JAKE
And the bullet holes, don’t forget those.
MORRIS
Done. So where are you going?
JAKE
As far as the Bug and seventy eight
bucks’ll take me, I guess.
MORRIS
That’s not very far.
JAKE
Far enough. Some pair we are, huh?
MORRIS
No jobs.
JAKE
No love life.
MORRIS
No luck.
JAKE
No agent.
MORRIS
No nothin’.
JAKE
Just a stuffed, one-eyed Chihuahua named
Chester and a stupid pipedream.
MORRIS
Not that stupid, Jakie.
Jake turns to Morris.
JAKE
Know what?
MORRIS
What?
JAKE
If I had killed myself yesterday, I never
would have met you again, and that alone
was worth livin’ for.
Morris’ eyes well up.
JAKE
You’re not gonna’ freakin’ cry, are ya’?
MORRIS
Don’t (blubbering) flatter yourself.
He sobs as Jake’s watery eyes betray his emotions, when
something suddenly attracts his attention.
JAKE
What the - what is that?
MORRIS
What’s what?
JAKE
Inside Chester. Something - shiny.
SHIMMERING comes from Chester’s bullet holes.
JAKE
There! You don’t see that?
MORRIS
(Wiping his eyes)
Jeez, you’re right!
JAKE
Holy shit!
MORRIS
Now what?
JAKE
I just got it!
MORRIS
Got what?
JAKE
The riddle!
MORRIS
You did?
JAKE
When is a dog not a dog?
MORRIS
Look, I already told you I don’t -
JAKE
When it’s a mule!
MORRIS
A mule?
JAKE
That’s right! And what’s the only thing
on God’s green earth a mule is good for?
MORRIS
Carrying stuff!
They fly off couch toward the bookcase. Jake grabs
Chester as Morris sweeps everything off the dining room
table, where Jake lays it on its side with a thump.
JAKE
Knife - quick!
MORRIS
Careful, don’t make the hole too big.
Morris hands him a BREAD KNIFE.
JAKE
Really.
MORRIS
Go ahead!
Starting with one of the bullet holes to carve a larger
hole in Chester’s body, Jake turns it over. A steady
stream of PERFECTLY CUT DIAMONDS spills onto the table.
A wide-eyed, grinning Jake & Morris begin dancing around
the DIAMOND-COVERED TABLE. Morris’ dancing butt bumping
into his AUDIO RACK, pushing CD deck closed, accidentally
depressing the PLAY BUTTON. The FORDHAM FOUNDLINGS CHORUS
begins singing “A PERFECT ENDING”. Jake & Morris’ joy
deflates once they hear the music.
JAKE & MORRIS
Shit.
The music continues, becoming louder.
DISSOLVE TO:
VIDEO CU of the beaming Black Kid from the beginning, as
a NEWS CAMERA slowly pulls back to reveal Jake & Morris
standing either side of him - all three singing. Morris
holds Mickey, now bandaged around his lower torso and
licking Morris’ face. Jake is suddenly surrounded by a
surging crowd holding copies of his bestseller “A PERFECT
ENDING,” which he begins to autograph. CAMERA pulls back
further to show them surrounded by the entire FORDHAM
FOUNDLINGS CHORUS.
KIKI (O.S.)
Today was a day for heroes, Skip, as the
two Good Samaritans who returned over a
hundred million in untraceable diamonds
used in the Buff Lawrence embezzlement
scam, celebrated the special occasion
they helped create - renovation of the
old Loews Paradise, and future home of
The Fordham Foundlings Chorus - a
renovation made possible by Jake
Cavanaugh and Morris Berman’s donation of
their entire five million dollar reward.
CAMERA pulls back to reveal the PARADISE THEATER, a
BANNER across its facade proclaiming “FUTURE HOME OF ‘THE
FORDHAM FOUNDLINGS CHORUS”, pulling back further to
reveal the HUGE CROWD, MEDIA and CONSTRUCTION VEHICLES
surrounding the CHOIR and the PARADISE.
KIKI (O.S.)
I speak for each and every one of those
kids and all New Yorkers when I say
“Thanks, Jake, thanks, Morris, for giving
what seemed to be a tragic story for so
many children - A PERFECT ENDING.”
CAMERA pulls back to an AERIAL SHOT of the BLOCK, then
THE BRONX, and beyond.
JAKE (V.O.)
Seriously, all I ever wanted was a
perfect ending, and I finally got it.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END.