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Scene 1 -  Morning Drive on Interstate 35
Ruthless
"PILOT"
by
Angel Rodriguez
Angel Rodriguez
(425)466-6681
[email protected]

RUTHLESS
“HAPPY TOGETHER”
TEASER
FADE IN:
AUSTIN TEXAS, 1978
EXT. INTERSTATE 35 - MORNING
A BLUE 1961 CHEVY IMPALA ROARS AS IT ACCELERATES ON THE DRY
TEXAS ROAD.
Genres: ["Action","Drama"]

Summary The scene opens in Austin, Texas, in 1978, showcasing a blue 1961 Chevy Impala speeding along a dry stretch of Interstate 35. The focus is on the car's powerful acceleration against the backdrop of the arid landscape, creating an energetic and exciting atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Engaging opening
  • Effective setting establishment
  • Intriguing tone
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Lack of dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7.5

The scene effectively sets the tone and introduces the audience to the time and place, creating intrigue and anticipation for what's to come.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of starting with a high-energy moment in a specific time and place is intriguing and sets up the story well.

Plot: 7

While the plot hasn't fully unfolded yet, the scene serves as a strong opening that hints at potential conflicts and developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar setting of a road trip but adds originality through the specific details of the vintage car, the cultural context of 1970s Texas, and the protagonist's internal conflicts.


Character Development

Characters: 6.5

Character development is minimal in this scene, but the introduction of the vintage car hints at the importance of the setting and potential character motivations.

Character Changes: 5

No significant character changes occur in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find a sense of belonging or escape from their current reality. This reflects deeper needs for freedom, independence, or a desire for a new beginning.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to embark on a journey or road trip, possibly seeking a new destination or experience. This reflects the immediate circumstances of feeling trapped or stagnant in their current environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict is subtly hinted at through the fast-paced action of the car, creating tension and anticipation for what's to come.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, presenting obstacles or challenges that hint at potential conflicts without fully revealing the extent of the protagonist's struggles.

High Stakes: 7

The high-speed action of the car hints at the high stakes involved in the story, setting up the tension and excitement for the audience.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively sets the stage for the story to unfold, hinting at potential conflicts and developments to come.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it hints at the protagonist's internal struggles and desires without fully revealing the direction of the narrative, leaving room for unexpected developments.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's desire for freedom and exploration versus the constraints of their current reality or responsibilities. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about taking risks and seeking new experiences.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6.5

While the scene lacks emotional depth, the intensity and mystery evoke a sense of anticipation and intrigue in the audience.

Dialogue: 6

There is no dialogue in this scene, limiting the opportunity for character development and interaction.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immediately immerses the audience in a visually rich setting, introduces intriguing character motivations, and sets up potential conflicts that drive curiosity.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and curiosity, gradually revealing the protagonist's goals and conflicts while maintaining a sense of momentum.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions that enhance visual storytelling.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a teaser, setting up the protagonist's goals and conflicts while engaging the audience with a compelling introduction.


Critique
  • The opening scene effectively establishes the setting and tone with a fade-in to Austin, Texas, in 1978, specifically on Interstate 35 during the morning. The description of the blue 1961 Chevy Impala roaring and accelerating on a dry Texas road is concise and visual, which is a strength in screenwriting as it immediately immerses the audience in a cinematic moment. This minimalism can create a sense of mystery and anticipation, hinting at the car's importance in the story without overwhelming the viewer with details. However, as the first scene in a 46-scene screenplay, it risks feeling too sparse and lacking in hooks to draw in the audience. With no characters, dialogue, or conflict introduced, it may come across as purely expository, potentially alienating viewers who expect an immediate emotional or narrative pull, especially given the intense themes of crime and trauma that unfold in subsequent scenes.
  • From a storytelling perspective, the scene does a good job of foreshadowing the recurring motif of the Chevy Impala, which is central to Ruth's character and the plot. The emphasis on speed and the arid environment subtly evokes the isolation and danger that define the script's atmosphere. Yet, this scene could benefit from more depth in its world-building. The description is functional but lacks sensory richness—elements like the sound of the wind, the heat shimmering off the road, or the feel of the dry air could make it more engaging and immersive. Additionally, without any human element, such as a glimpse of the driver or a subtle action, the scene feels detached and impersonal, making it harder for the audience to connect emotionally or intellectually to the story's larger arc right from the start.
  • In terms of pacing and structure, this scene serves as a calm introduction before the escalating tension in Scene 2, which is a valid choice for building contrast. However, as the teaser begins here, it might not fulfill the role of a strong inciting incident or hook. Screenwriting conventions often suggest that the first scene should create intrigue or pose a question to keep viewers engaged, but this one primarily sets the stage without advancing character or plot significantly. This could result in a slow start that doesn't capitalize on the opportunity to establish Ruth's volatile nature or the script's dark themes early on, potentially leading to a disjointed transition when the story shifts to more explicit violence and psychological elements in the following scenes. Overall, while the scene is technically sound, it could be more effective by integrating elements that tie it closer to the protagonist and the narrative's core conflicts.
Suggestions
  • Add a subtle hint of the driver or a character detail, such as a brief shot of hands on the steering wheel or a reflection in the rearview mirror, to introduce Ruth's presence and create immediate intrigue without revealing too much.
  • Incorporate additional sensory details in the description, like the sound of the engine roaring, the wind whipping through the open windows, or the glare of the sun, to make the scene more vivid and immersive, enhancing the audience's emotional connection to the setting.
  • Build more tension or foreshadowing by including a small action or element that hints at the story's darker themes, such as a radio snippet or a distant siren, to make the scene more engaging and ensure a smoother transition into the more intense elements of Scene 2.
  • Consider shortening or refining the scene if it's meant to be brief, or expand it slightly to include a hook that poses a narrative question, ensuring it functions better as an opening that captivates the audience from the outset.



Scene 2 -  Trapped in Denial
INT. RUTH'S CHEVY IMPALA - DAY
RUTH (30) a woman wearing big sunglasses with a round frame
driving with her windows down with a cigarette in her BLOOD
SMEARED hands.
RUTH tunes the radio.
NEWSCASTER (V.O.)
An unusual windy day here in
Austin. You can expect a high of 68
degrees.
RUTH tunes to another station.
NEWSCASTER #2 (V.O.)
The beaches are still closed two
weeks after a body washes up on the
shore. The classes of 1978 are
frustrated that they can't go out
to the beach after graduation. An
uptick of unsolved murders are
causing quite a stir. Mayor
suggests locking your doors at
night and parents are encouraged to
set kids curfew before dawn.
RUTH adjusts her mirror and reveals RICKIE (23) curly dark
hair and mustache with his throat slit in the backseat. She
looks into the mirror closely and picks at her teeth.
RUTH
Oh, man! That's embarrassing.
(laughs)
Right, dad?
RUTH looks to the empty passenger seat.

RUTH drifts off into a trance as tears run down her cheeks.
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK: 1968 SANTA FE, NEW MEXICO
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a disturbing scene set inside Ruth's Chevy Impala, she drives through Austin with blood-smeared hands and a dead body, Rickie, in the backseat. As she tunes into unsettling news reports about unsolved murders and safety warnings, Ruth's casual demeanor contrasts sharply with the horror of her situation. She engages in a delusional conversation with an absent 'dad' and eventually breaks down in tears, drifting into a trance-like state, highlighting her internal struggle and denial amidst the chaos.
Strengths
  • Effective tone setting
  • Intriguing character dynamics
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Potential for clarity in the radio news reports segment

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively sets a dark and tense tone, introduces a mysterious conflict, and hints at deeper emotional layers through the use of flashback and character introspection.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of blending past trauma with present actions adds depth to the character and sets up intrigue for future developments.

Plot: 8

The plot is intriguing, with the discovery of the body in the backseat hinting at a larger mystery and setting up potential conflicts and character arcs.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the trope of a character dealing with a traumatic event, blending elements of mystery, dark humor, and emotional depth. The authenticity of Ruth's actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are intriguing, with Ruth's complex emotions and past trauma hinted at through her actions and dialogue.

Character Changes: 8

Ruth undergoes a subtle emotional shift as she confronts her past through the flashback, hinting at potential character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Ruth's internal goal in this scene is to cope with a traumatic event from her past, as indicated by her drifting off into a trance and tears running down her cheeks.

External Goal: 7.5

Ruth's external goal in this scene is to maintain composure and hide her emotions, as seen through her attempts to joke about the situation with Rickie's body in the backseat.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict is subtly introduced through Ruth's emotional turmoil and the discovery of the body, hinting at larger conflicts to come.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ruth facing internal and external challenges that create suspense and uncertainty for the audience.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are subtly raised through the discovery of the body and Ruth's emotional turmoil, hinting at potential danger and conflict ahead.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key elements of Ruth's character and past, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected reveal of Rickie's body in the backseat and Ruth's complex emotional response, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the juxtaposition of Ruth's outward nonchalant demeanor with her inner turmoil and grief. This challenges her values of self-preservation and emotional vulnerability.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response through Ruth's introspection and the revelation of her past trauma, setting up a poignant and engaging narrative.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys Ruth's internal conflict and sets up the eerie atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of suspense, dark humor, and emotional depth. The audience is drawn into Ruth's internal struggle and the mystery surrounding Rickie's presence.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, balancing moments of tension with introspective pauses. The rhythm enhances the emotional impact of Ruth's internal conflict.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The use of flashbacks is well-executed.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure with a flashback, adding depth to Ruth's character and the overall narrative. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of unease and introduces Ruth's character as detached and possibly unhinged, which is crucial for a thriller screenplay. The contrast between mundane actions—like tuning the radio and picking at her teeth—and horrific elements, such as blood-smeared hands and a dead body in the backseat, creates a disturbing atmosphere that hooks the audience early. However, this rapid introduction of graphic content in Scene 2 might overwhelm viewers if not balanced with more gradual buildup, potentially alienating those not yet invested in the story. Additionally, the dialogue, particularly Ruth's line addressing her absent father, feels somewhat contrived and could benefit from more nuanced writing to avoid seeming stereotypical for a character with trauma; it risks reducing her complexity to a simple trope of hallucination without deeper exploration.
  • The use of voice-over from the newscasters is a clever device for world-building, efficiently conveying themes of crime and societal fear that tie into the larger narrative. This method avoids heavy exposition through dialogue, which is a strength, but it can come across as overly convenient or expository if not integrated naturally. In this scene, the news reports about murders and curfews parallel Ruth's actions, enhancing thematic depth, but the delivery might feel forced if the audience perceives it as a direct info-dump rather than organic radio tuning. Furthermore, the scene's pacing is brisk, which suits the genre, but the abrupt cut to the flashback at the end disrupts the emotional arc, making Ruth's trance feel unearned and hasty, which could weaken the transition's impact and confuse viewers about the story's timeline.
  • Visually, the scene is vivid and cinematic, with strong imagery like the blood-smeared hands, the rearview mirror reveal, and Ruth's trance-like state, which effectively builds tension and foreshadows her psychological issues. This reliance on visual storytelling is a positive aspect, aligning with screenwriting best practices that show rather than tell. However, the description lacks sensory details that could immerse the audience more fully—such as the sound of wind rushing through the open windows, the smell of cigarette smoke mixed with blood, or the feel of the steering wheel under Ruth's hands—which might make the scene feel one-dimensional. Moreover, the emotional shift to tears and trance is sudden, and without more buildup or subtle hints of Ruth's internal conflict earlier in the scene, it may not resonate as deeply, potentially undercutting the character's development and the scene's overall effectiveness in a 46-scene script.
  • The scene's structure supports the screenplay's pacing by quickly advancing the plot and connecting to broader themes of personal trauma and crime, as seen in the summary of subsequent scenes. Ruth's interaction with the empty seat and her casual reference to her father hint at her backstory, which is explored in flashbacks, creating a cohesive narrative thread. That said, the critique lies in the lack of character depth in this early scene; Ruth's actions and dialogue are intriguing but could be more layered to avoid caricature. For instance, her laughter after seeing the dead body might alienate the audience if not contextualized better, as it could come across as gratuitous shock value rather than a meaningful insight into her psyche. This scene is pivotal for setting up Ruth's arc, but it risks feeling formulaic if similar beats are repeated throughout the script without variation.
Suggestions
  • Slow down the pacing slightly by adding a few beats of description or action before the mirror reveal, such as Ruth humming along to the radio or glancing at her hands, to build suspense and make the dead body's appearance more impactful and less abrupt.
  • Refine the radio voice-over to make it more concise and integrated with Ruth's emotional state; for example, have her react more visibly to specific news elements that mirror her experiences, like the unsolved murders, to strengthen the connection and avoid it feeling like detached exposition.
  • Enhance sensory details in the action lines to immerse the audience, such as describing the wind whipping through the car, the acrid smell of smoke, or the stickiness of blood on her hands, which would add texture and make the scene more vivid and engaging.
  • Develop Ruth's dialogue to include more subtext or internal conflict; for instance, change her line to something like 'Oh, man! That's embarrassing... isn't it, dad?' with a pause that shows hesitation, to make her instability feel more authentic and less on-the-nose.
  • Motivate the transition to the flashback more clearly by extending Ruth's trance moment with a specific trigger, such as a memory evoked by the news report or a glance at the passenger seat, ensuring the cut feels organic and heightens emotional stakes rather than abrupt.



Scene 3 -  Echoes of Regret
INT. RUTH'S CHEVY IMPALA - NIGHT
RUTH drives high speed in a panic. Sirens follows her- the
faster she tries to go, she cannot escape the sirens.
Red and blue police lights flashes her car. Making it hard
for her to see.
Disoriented. She turns to the passenger seat- facing her
father, ED (50) big frame, comb over
ED
I'm so proud of you Ruth.
RUTH
(petrified)
Dad!
A bullet CRASHES THROUGH the rear window in SLOW MOTION,
making its way to ED's temple.
END OF FLASHBACK
INT. RUTH'S CHEVY IMPALA - DAY
RUTH drifts out of her lane. An INCOMING CAR HONKS
AGGRESSIVELY and swerves out of the way FLIPPING OVER.
RUTH looks up unaware of the crash, wipes off her tears, and
then steers back into her lane. She throws her cigarette out
the window.
RUTH opens the trunk wearing latex gloves.
INSIDE OF RUTH'S TRUNK: Rope, gasoline tank, water, garden
shears, a DEAD WOMAN, SALLY (22) wearing a sundress.
EXT. PARK AREA
The two dead bodies are side to side on the ground. The wind
blows dirt on their bodies. RUTH stands above them with
garden shears. RUTH hears "Happy Together by The Turtles"
playing on the radio from her car.

RUTH begins to drift off into a trance. The music starts
playing in her head.
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK: THE NIGHT BEFORE
Genres: ["Thriller","Crime","Drama"]

Summary The scene opens with a flashback of Ruth driving her Chevy Impala in a panic, pursued by police, as her father Ed expresses pride in her before a bullet fatally strikes him. Transitioning to the present, Ruth, emotionally distressed, drifts out of her lane, causing a near-accident, and reveals a dead body in her trunk. In a park, she stands over two dead bodies, holding garden shears, as the haunting tune 'Happy Together' plays from her car radio, leading her into a trance. The scene concludes with a flashback to the previous night, deepening the emotional turmoil and trauma Ruth experiences.
Strengths
  • Strong atmosphere and tone
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Effective use of suspense and mystery
Weaknesses
  • Potential for excessive darkness and violence
  • Need for careful handling of sensitive themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is highly engaging, effectively setting up the tone and introducing intriguing elements that captivate the audience. The mix of tension, darkness, and psychological depth creates a compelling opening to the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 9.1

The concept of exploring a character with a dark past and mysterious present is intriguing and well-executed in this scene. The blend of crime, suspense, and psychological drama creates a strong foundation for the narrative to unfold.

Plot: 9

The plot is intriguing and sets up multiple layers of mystery and conflict, especially with the introduction of Ruth's past and her current actions. It hooks the audience and lays the groundwork for a complex and engaging story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of guilt and redemption, with a unique blend of suspense and emotional depth. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9.2

Ruth is a complex and compelling character, haunted by her past and engaged in dark activities. Her actions and emotions drive the scene, creating a sense of unease and intrigue. The introduction of other characters like Rickie and Sally adds depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 9

Ruth undergoes a subtle but significant emotional journey in this scene, transitioning from moments of detachment to intense emotional turmoil. Her internal conflict and the revelation of her past hint at deeper character development to come.

Internal Goal: 8

Ruth's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with her past trauma and the guilt she carries. The presence of her father in the flashback and his words of pride suggest unresolved emotions and a need for closure.

External Goal: 7

Ruth's external goal is to dispose of the dead bodies and cover up her crime. The scene reflects the immediate challenge she faces in dealing with the aftermath of her actions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.1

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, from Ruth's inner turmoil and guilt to the external dangers she faces. The high stakes and sense of impending danger create a palpable tension that drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ruth facing internal and external challenges that add complexity to the narrative and keep the audience invested in her journey.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are evident in the scene, with Ruth facing internal demons, external dangers, and the consequences of her actions. The sense of danger and uncertainty heightens the tension and keeps the audience on edge.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key elements of Ruth's past, her current predicament, and the mysteries surrounding her actions. It sets the stage for future developments and keeps the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around morality and the consequences of one's choices. Ruth is faced with the ethical dilemma of how to handle the situation she finds herself in, which challenges her beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.3

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, sadness, and shock, drawing the audience into Ruth's troubled world and creating a sense of unease. The emotional depth adds layers to the narrative and enhances the audience's engagement.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, fear, and mystery, enhancing the atmosphere of the scene. Ruth's internal monologue and interactions with the absent characters provide insight into her psyche and hint at the conflicts to come.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of action, suspense, and emotional depth. The audience is drawn into Ruth's internal struggle and the unfolding mystery.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and transitions that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a suspenseful thriller genre, with clear scene descriptions and transitions that enhance the pacing.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure that effectively builds tension and reveals key information at strategic moments. The formatting enhances the scene's impact.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses flashbacks to delve into Ruth's traumatic past, creating a strong sense of continuity from the previous scene's trance-like state. This technique builds psychological depth and maintains the script's theme of recurring violence and mental instability. However, the rapid shifts between time periods and locations can feel disjointed, potentially overwhelming the audience and diluting the emotional impact if not paced carefully in editing. The flashback to the police chase is visceral and high-stakes, but it risks becoming formulaic if similar sequences repeat throughout the script, as seen in other scenes, which might desensitize viewers to Ruth's horrors.
  • Ruth's character portrayal in the present-day segments highlights her detachment and denial, such as when she causes a car accident without awareness or reaction. This underscores her psychological breakdown but may come across as implausible or overly exaggerated, making her seem more like a caricature than a nuanced anti-heroine. The lack of any immediate consequence or internal reflection on the accident diminishes the scene's tension and opportunities for character growth, especially when compared to the more grounded interactions in later scenes involving other characters.
  • Visually, the scene is rich with atmospheric elements, like the wind-blown dirt on the bodies and the triggering music 'Happy Together,' which effectively evokes unease and ties into Ruth's trance states. However, the descriptions could be more detailed to enhance immersion; for instance, the trunk reveal feels somewhat checklist-like (listing items without much sensory engagement), which might not fully capitalize on the horror genre's potential for building dread. Additionally, the park setting with the bodies laid out is a strong image, but it could benefit from more specific blocking or environmental details to heighten the macabre tone and better connect to the arid Texas setting established in scene 1.
  • Dialogue is sparse but impactful, particularly in the flashback with Ed's line 'I'm so proud of you Ruth,' which reveals their toxic relationship and adds layers to Ruth's motivations. That said, Ruth's lack of verbal response beyond 'Dad!' in the flashback limits insight into her emotions, making her reactions feel one-dimensional. In the present, there's no dialogue during key moments like the accident or trunk opening, which could be an opportunity to show her internal conflict through muttered thoughts or hallucinations, drawing parallels to her conversation with the empty seat in scene 2. This would make her character more relatable and less reliant on visual shock alone.
  • Overall, the scene advances the plot by escalating Ruth's criminal activities and deepening her backstory, fitting well into the script's structure as an early establishment of her villainy. However, it risks feeling repetitive with the frequent use of trances and flashbacks, which are prevalent in multiple scenes (e.g., scenes 2, 7, 10). This could confuse viewers or slow momentum if not varied, and the abrupt cut to another flashback at the end might disrupt narrative flow, suggesting a need for better integration to maintain engagement across the 46 scenes.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the transition between the flashback and present by adding a subtle auditory or visual bridge, such as echoing sirens from the chase bleeding into the present-day honking horn, to make the shift less jarring and more seamless, improving overall pacing.
  • Develop Ruth's reaction to the car accident she causes by including a brief moment of her glancing back in the rearview mirror with a flicker of confusion or denial, adding realism and allowing for a deeper exploration of her dissociation without altering the scene's core events.
  • Expand the trunk reveal with more descriptive language to build suspense, such as describing the gleam of the garden shears or the faint smell of gasoline, to make the inventory feel more cinematic and less expository, drawing the audience deeper into Ruth's world.
  • Incorporate subtle dialogue or voice-over during Ruth's trance in the park to reveal more about her internal thoughts, perhaps having her whisper fragmented memories tied to the music, to provide insight into her psyche and reduce reliance on visual cues alone.
  • Vary the use of flashbacks by intercutting shorter, more focused memories or using them sparingly to heighten their impact; for example, condense the chase flashback to key images and use the present-day action to imply past events, allowing the story to progress forward more dynamically.



Scene 4 -  Night of Terror
INT. RICKIE'S CAR - NIGHT
RICKIE and SALLY make out in the front seat with "Happy
Together" playing on the stereo.
The rear tire gets slashed. The car lowers as the sound of
air escapes the tire.
RICKIE
What the hell?
SALLY
What was that?
The couple looks outside but it's completely dark. The sound
of another tire POPS. The car lowers even more.
SALLY (CONT’D)
What's going on?
RICKIE
I don't know.
The couple hears footsteps walking past the car.
SALLY
Are the doors locked?!
SALLY LOCKS her side of the door. THEN- the front tire from
Rickie's side gets SLASHED! The car lowers even more as air
escapes the tire.
Frustrated RICKIE opens his door.
RICKIE
Fuck, Man!
SALLY
Stop it! Get back here!
SALLY shakes as her boyfriend exits the car- leaving the door
open. She can't see it in front of her.
RICKIE (O.S.)
What's your problem man!

SALLY turns on the headlights, revealing RICKIE standing in
front of the car. A figure in front of him- with a swinging
motion, SLITS HIS THROAT.
SALLY SCREAMS as RICKIE turns facing her in TERROR! His BLOOD
squirts on the windshield!. As RICKIE falls onto the hood of
the car. The headlights reveal the figure's face. It's RUTH.
In a PANIC! SALLY tries to open her side of the door but it's
LOCKED. RUTH comes after her with a HUNTING KNIFE in hand.
END OF FLASHBACK
Genres: ["Thriller","Horror"]

Summary In a chilling flashback, Rickie and Sally share a romantic moment in Rickie's car, but their intimacy is shattered when someone slashes the tires. As fear escalates, Rickie confronts the unseen attacker, only to be brutally murdered by Ruth, who then turns her attention to a panicked Sally. Trapped and terrified, Sally struggles to escape as Ruth approaches with a hunting knife, leaving her in imminent danger.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Effective tension-building
  • Strong emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence may be disturbing to some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively establishes a sense of panic, terror, and suspense through its intense and violent events, keeping the audience on edge and engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a sudden and brutal attack on the characters in a secluded setting is executed with skill, heightening the tension and fear.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is focused on the escalating danger faced by the characters, leading to a shocking and impactful climax.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar setting of a couple in a car but takes a fresh approach by quickly escalating the tension with unexpected violence. The authenticity of the characters' reactions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' reactions to the escalating danger and violence are well-portrayed, adding depth and emotion to the scene.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo a significant change from a moment of intimacy to a moment of extreme fear and violence, adding depth to their development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is survival and protection of themselves and their partner. This reflects their deeper need for safety and security, as well as their fear of the unknown and danger.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to escape the immediate threat posed by Ruth, the attacker. This goal reflects the challenge they are facing in the scene, which is to survive a violent encounter.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and violent, creating a sense of danger and urgency for the characters.

Opposition: 8.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the sudden and violent attack by Ruth creating a sense of danger and uncertainty that adds to the suspense and keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters face a life-threatening situation with brutal violence and imminent danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a key conflict and escalating the danger faced by the characters, setting the stage for future events.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because it subverts the initial setup of a romantic moment in a car by introducing sudden violence and a shocking betrayal, keeping the audience guessing about the characters' fates.

Philosophical Conflict: 8.5

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between innocence and violence, as represented by the sudden and brutal attack by Ruth. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in safety and trust.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact due to the intense fear, panic, and violence depicted, evoking strong reactions from the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' fear and panic, enhancing the tension and suspense of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful nature, the sudden escalation of danger, and the shocking twist that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual increase in the intensity of events leading to a climactic moment that leaves a strong impact on the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue cues that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format for a suspenseful thriller genre, with a clear buildup of tension, a sudden twist, and a cliffhanger ending that leaves the audience wanting more.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds suspense through a series of escalating threats—the tire slashing, footsteps, and Rickie's confrontation—creating a classic horror setup that contrasts sharply with the initial romantic intimacy. This contrast, amplified by the song 'Happy Together,' underscores themes of disrupted innocence and violence, which aligns well with the broader narrative of Ruth's traumatic past. However, the rapid escalation might feel formulaic, relying on familiar horror tropes without adding unique twists that could make it more memorable or tied to Ruth's character development. For instance, while the audience knows from context that Ruth is the killer, the scene could delve deeper into her motivations or emotional state during the attack to enhance understanding of her psyche, rather than presenting her as a sudden, shadowy figure.
  • Character actions and decisions, particularly Rickie's choice to confront the unseen attacker, come across as somewhat stereotypical and lacking depth. In many slasher films, male characters impulsively face danger, which can feel predictable and reduce tension. Here, Rickie's frustration leading to 'Fuck, Man!' and his exit from the car doesn't provide enough insight into his personality or relationship with Sally, missing an opportunity to humanize them beyond victims. This could alienate readers or viewers who might question the plausibility, especially since Sally's pleas to stay inside highlight the danger, yet Rickie's response feels impulsive without buildup. Strengthening this could help the scene feel more grounded and emotionally resonant.
  • The dialogue is straightforward and serves to advance the action, but it lacks nuance or subtext that could elevate the scene. Lines like 'What the hell?' and 'What's going on?' are generic and don't reveal much about Rickie and Sally as individuals, making their deaths feel less impactful. In contrast, Ruth's silence during the attack is powerful, but the scene could benefit from subtler verbal exchanges or internal monologues (via voice-over or visual cues) to foreshadow the horror or connect to Ruth's hallucinations seen in other scenes. This would not only heighten tension but also tie into the script's exploration of mental instability and trauma.
  • Visually, the reveal of Ruth in the headlights is a strong moment that delivers shock value, effectively using light and shadow to build dread. However, the scene could incorporate more sensory details—such as the sound of the knife slashing or the feel of the car's confined space—to immerse the audience further and make the horror more visceral. Additionally, as a flashback triggered by Ruth's trance in the previous scene, it successfully connects to the narrative, but the transition could be smoother to avoid feeling abrupt, ensuring that the emotional link to Ruth's current state is clearer and more poignant.
  • Overall, the scene is competent in delivering a tense, violent sequence that advances the plot by showing Ruth's crimes, but it risks being overshadowed by its reliance on shock without deeper thematic integration. For example, while it echoes the 'Happy Together' song from earlier scenes, it doesn't fully capitalize on this motif to explore Ruth's distorted perception of relationships or her father's influence, which is a central theme. This could make the flashback feel more like a standalone horror beat rather than a crucial piece of Ruth's backstory, potentially weakening the script's emotional arc if not balanced with more introspective elements.
Suggestions
  • To enhance plausibility and character depth, add a brief line or action earlier in the scene where Rickie demonstrates overconfidence or a protective instinct, such as him boasting about handling any situation, making his confrontation feel more organic and less trope-like.
  • Refine the dialogue to include more personal details or subtext; for instance, have Sally reference a shared fear or past experience during her panicked questions, which could humanize them and make their demise more tragic, while also subtly foreshadowing Ruth's approach.
  • Incorporate additional sensory elements in the action descriptions, like the metallic scent of blood or the creaking of the car's suspension as tires deflate, to heighten immersion and make the horror more tangible, drawing the audience deeper into the characters' fear.
  • Strengthen the thematic connection by including a visual or auditory cue that links back to Ruth's hallucinations, such as a fleeting image of her father in the shadows or a distorted echo of the song, to better integrate this flashback with her ongoing mental state and improve narrative cohesion.
  • Extend the reveal of Ruth slightly by adding a moment of hesitation or a close-up on her face to convey her internal conflict, transforming the shock into a character-driven moment that emphasizes her complexity and ties into the script's exploration of trauma and violence.



Scene 5 -  Awakening in the Park
EXT. PARK AREA - MORNING
Ruth’s trance breaks as she stands above the dead couple with
the song still playing in the car. RUTH looks across the way
and sees an hallucination of ED standing in front of her car.
ED
You'll need a tarp. It's going to
get a little messy.
RUTH
Thanks, dad.
ED
You're okay, Ruth.
ED disappears. RUTH begins to hear her father's voice in her
head. RUTH smiles as she opens the garden sheers.
ED (V.O.)
Make me proud.
END OF TEASER

ACT ONE
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama","Crime"]

Summary In a morning park setting, Ruth awakens from a trance to find herself over a dead couple, with music still playing from her car. She hallucinates her deceased father, ED, who advises her to prepare for a messy situation and reassures her that she is okay. Comforted by his presence, Ruth responds affectionately and begins to hear his voice encouraging her to make him proud as she opens a pair of garden shears, marking a transition into a darker phase of her psyche.
Strengths
  • Effective use of flashbacks
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Complex character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Sparse dialogue
  • Potentially disturbing content

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is gripping and intense, effectively setting up the tone and themes of the screenplay. It skillfully blends past trauma with present actions, creating a sense of unease and mystery.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of intertwining past trauma with present events is compelling and adds layers to the characters. The scene effectively explores themes of guilt, loss, and the impact of the past on the present.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging and sets up a complex web of relationships and motivations. The scene introduces high stakes and hints at larger conflicts to come, driving the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring themes of family relationships, grief, and reality versus hallucination. The authenticity of Ruth's actions and dialogue adds depth to the character and the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are intriguing and well-developed, especially Ruth, whose internal struggles are vividly portrayed. The scene hints at deeper complexities within each character, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 9

Ruth undergoes a significant emotional journey in the scene, grappling with her past traumas and the consequences of her actions. The experience deepens her character and sets the stage for further development.

Internal Goal: 8

Ruth's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with her past and her relationship with her father, Ed. Her interactions with the hallucination of Ed and hearing his voice in her head reflect her deeper need for approval and validation from her father, despite his absence.

External Goal: 7

Ruth's external goal in this scene is to deal with the immediate aftermath of the dead couple and the hallucination of her father. She needs to figure out how to handle the situation and her emotions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, driving the characters' actions and decisions. The tension between past events and present choices creates a sense of urgency and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, particularly in Ruth's interactions with the hallucination of her father.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing life-changing decisions and confronting the repercussions of their past actions. The sense of danger and uncertainty adds tension and suspense to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial information about the characters and setting up future conflicts. It establishes key relationships and motivations, laying the groundwork for the narrative to unfold.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the surreal elements, the unexpected appearance of the hallucination, and the emotional depth of Ruth's reactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around Ruth's internal struggle with her past, her relationship with her father, and the blurred lines between reality and hallucination. It challenges her beliefs about herself and her father's expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene evokes a strong emotional response, delving into themes of loss, guilt, and redemption. The characters' struggles and the haunting presence of the past resonate with the audience, creating a powerful connection.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is sparse but impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and motivations effectively. The silence and tension in certain moments speak volumes, adding to the scene's intensity.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of mystery, emotion, and surrealism, keeping the audience intrigued and invested in Ruth's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, contributing to the overall atmosphere and engagement of the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, effectively conveying the visual and emotional elements of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively sets up the mystery and emotional depth of the narrative, following the expected format for a dramatic screenplay.


Critique
  • This scene effectively serves as a transitional moment, ending the teaser and setting up Act One by reinforcing Ruth's psychological instability and her toxic relationship with her deceased father's hallucination. It builds on the previous flashback's horror by showing Ruth's detachment from reality, which helps establish her character as a complex anti-hero driven by paternal influence and trauma. However, the hallucination of Ed feels somewhat formulaic, relying on a common trope in psychological thrillers where deceased figures guide the protagonist. This could benefit from more originality to avoid predictability, such as incorporating unique visual distortions or auditory hallucinations that reflect Ruth's specific backstory, making the scene more memorable and deepening the audience's understanding of her mental state.
  • The dialogue is minimal and functional, which suits the scene's brevity, but it lacks depth and subtext. For instance, Ed's lines 'You'll need a tarp. It's going to get a little messy' and 'You're okay, Ruth' are direct and expository, potentially underutilizing the opportunity to reveal layers of their dysfunctional relationship. This could be critiqued for not fully capitalizing on the emotional weight; the exchange feels somewhat detached, missing a chance to convey Ruth's internal conflict more vividly, which might leave readers or viewers feeling that the scene doesn't fully explore the psychological horror established in earlier scenes.
  • Pacing is tight, which is appropriate for ending a teaser, but the rapid shift from trance to hallucination to action might feel abrupt without sufficient buildup. The scene relies heavily on Ruth's smile and the opening of the garden shears to imply foreboding, but it could be more immersive by incorporating sensory details or subtle actions that heighten tension. For example, the arid wind from the setting (as described in Scene 1) isn't leveraged here, which could have added atmospheric consistency and emphasized the isolation and unease. This omission might make the scene feel disconnected from the broader environmental motifs in the script.
  • Thematically, the scene reinforces motifs of violence, paternal control, and denial, as Ruth's smile and compliance with Ed's voice-over 'Make me proud' echo her traumatic past. However, this repetition could risk becoming redundant if not varied across the script; it might benefit from more nuanced exploration of Ruth's agency, questioning whether she is a victim of her hallucinations or an active participant. From a reader's perspective, this scene clearly signals the end of the teaser and the escalation into Act One, but it could provide more payoff by hinting at the consequences of her actions, such as a brief cutaway or sound cue linking back to the bodies or the news reports from earlier scenes.
  • Visually and structurally, the hallucination's disappearance and the voice-over transition are handled well, creating a eerie, introspective tone that fits the horror genre. However, the scene's brevity (likely 15-20 seconds on screen) might not allow for enough character development, making Ruth's shift from vulnerability to sinister preparation feel unearned. As a teaching point, this highlights the importance of balancing concise storytelling with emotional beats; while it's effective as a hook, it could be strengthened by showing rather than telling Ruth's emotional state, perhaps through physical reactions or symbolic imagery, to better engage the audience and provide a clearer path for character arc progression in subsequent acts.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the hallucination sequence by adding unique sensory elements, such as distorted sound effects or visual filters (e.g., a hazy, dream-like overlay) to make Ed's appearance more distinctive and tied to Ruth's trauma, helping to differentiate it from similar scenes and deepen the psychological depth.
  • Develop the dialogue with more subtext or internal conflict; for example, have Ruth hesitate or question Ed's advice briefly before complying, to show her growing doubt and add layers to their relationship, making the scene more dynamic and reflective of her internal struggle.
  • Incorporate environmental details from earlier scenes, like the windy conditions or arid landscape, to create continuity and build atmosphere—e.g., have the wind rustle leaves or carry faint sirens, linking back to the police pursuit in the flashback and increasing tension.
  • Extend the emotional beat slightly by adding a small action or reaction from Ruth after Ed disappears, such as her touching the spot where he stood or whispering a personal memory, to make her transition to smiling and opening the garden shears feel more organic and emotionally resonant.
  • Consider adding a subtle foreshadowing element, like a brief glance at the dead bodies or a sound bridge to the next scene, to smooth the transition into Act One and ensure the 'Make me proud' line feels like a natural escalation rather than a abrupt end, improving overall narrative flow and suspense.



Scene 6 -  A Dark Day at the Park
EXT. PARK AREA CRIME SCENE - LATER
A 1974 Dodge Monaco pulls up next to the crime scene. The
loud wind blows dirt all around. Squad cars surround the
area.
SHERIFF COOPER (63) exits his car wearing dark AVIATORS.
DEPUTY BYRON THOMAS (30) "Clint Eastwood" type exits the
passenger's side.
They make their way to the crime scene.
COOPER
(To Thomas)
God damn! What a lovely day! Woke
up in the morning in a good mood.
And the first thing I get to do at
work is to examine yet again
cadavers with wind blowing up my
ass and the sun shining on my face!
What a day!
THOMAS
I'm glad you're having a good time
Sheriff. But I woke up next to a
nauseous pregnant wife and two kids
running all over the damn place.
THOMAS offers SHERIFF COOPER gum, He accepts. DEPUTY BRADY
BURKE (28) a bit jumpy, walks towards SHERIFF COOPER and
THOMAS
BURKE
(To Cooper)
The bodies are over here sir... I
hope you didn't have a big lunch.
COOPER
You know I didn't, deputy. Ever
since I quit smoking, I can't hold
anything down.
BURKE
How's the hiatus?
COOPER
It's shit. But I'll live.

SHERIFF COOPER walks off to the bodies. THOMAS and BURKE
stay. BURKE lights a cigarette.
THOMAS
Since when did you start smoking?
BURKE
(Coughs)
This morning. All of this has been
too much.
THOMAS
(Concerned)
How's it going' Brady? Really?
BURKE
Besides getting called out here at
the ass-crack of dawn. I'm doing
just fine.
BURKE takes a moment. He’s unsure to ask but does.
BURKE (CONT’D)
How's Julie?
THOMAS
She's being Julie... How’s Shirley?
BURKE
According to her she's "doing just
fine" but we both know that's not
the case. She doesn’t like that I’m
not home.
THOMAS
Maybe you need to tell her you love
her.
BURKE
She knows that!
THOMAS
You can remind her.
BURKE
Remind her that I love her. That I
fell in love with her Latina fire.
THOMAS
You mean passion?
BURKE
I mean crazy...

THOMAS
Can I be there when you tell her
that?
BURKE
That's probably a good idea, I'm
probably gonna need a witness just
in case I end up dead!
They both laugh.
BURKE (CONT’D)
Yup crazy. But I’m crazy about her.
BURKE gives THOMAS an insincere smile. He takes another puff
of the cigarette...
THOMAS
How bad is it?
BURKE looks back at SHERIFF COOPER who is standing over the
bodies.
BURKE
Pretty bad.
THOMAS pats BURKE on the back and walks towards the bodies.
He stands next to the worried SHERIFF COOPER. THOMAS covers
the sun from his eyes as he looks down at the bodies. THOMAS
looks with DISGUST!
COOPER
(To Thomas)
Deputy, who in their right mind
would do something like this?
SHERIFF COOPER kneels to take a closer look. He takes off his
glasses revealing his blue eyes.
COOPER (CONT’D)
I saw a lot in my day, but shit.
BURKE walks into frame with a note pad in hand.
BURKE
We have ID's for both victims.
THOMAS
How in the hell did you do that?
SHERIFF COOPER puts on his aviators.

BURKE
The victims' wallets were found
dumped in the lake over yonder.
Both were college students from
Houston.
SHERIFF COOPER notices the worried BURKE.
COOPER
God damn Burke! You look like shit!
You should get back to the station.
Take a moment to yourself and wipe
that shit off your face. I need you
focused!
THOMAS grabs for the note pad.
THOMAS
We'll take it from here.
BURKE
Thank you, sir. I'm sorry.
BURKE LEAVES.
COOPER
(To Burke)
Don't apologize to me! Pull
yourself together!
SHERIFF COOPER sighs.
THOMAS
Everything alright Sheriff?
COOPER
Just reminiscing the good old' days
where I spend the majority of my
time chasing after kids for
stealing a 6 pack of beer.
THOMAS
(laughs)
I was one of those kids, Sheriff.
COOPER
Yup. The good old' days... I'd
rather not spend my time
investigating their murders. Do we
know where they were... you know.
THOMAS flips through the note pad.

THOMAS
(Reading)
The victim's car was found about
fifty miles east. Blood.
Everywhere. Tires was slashed,
windows broken. Sounds like it
wasn't a pretty sight.
COOPER
We should contact the families of
the victims
THOMAS
I'll do it, sir.
COOPER
No, I'll do it. Sad to say, I've
been getting good at delivering the
news- been doing it so goddamn
much. How long has it been now?
THOMAS
Three months. Three months trying
to track down this killer. And
Sheriff to be honest. I'm a little
worn out by it. Being away from my
wife and kids. Late nights chasing
a ghost.
COOPER
Let me tell you something, Deputy.
There is no such thing as ghosts...
And believe me when I say. We are
not going to rest until we catch
whoever is causing harm to the good
people of Texas.
THOMAS
Sheriff, we have nothing. In all
the crime scenes, there's no
evidence. We don't know what the
killer looks like, how can you be-
COOPER
-Look. It ain't my first rodeo son.
Been doing this shit for over
thirty years. Justice will prevail.
Now, are you with me or not?
THOMAS
You know I'm ready to catch this
son-of-a-bitch.

COOPER
We need to use our instincts.
THOMAS
Okay. So, who are we looking for?
COOPER
Someone who's been doing this for a
long time.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Sheriff Cooper and Deputy Thomas arrive at a crime scene in a windy park, where they confront the grim discovery of two bodies identified as college students. Amidst the stress of the investigation, the deputies share personal struggles, with Cooper motivating Thomas to stay focused despite their frustrations over the lack of evidence. Deputy Burke, feeling overwhelmed, is ordered by Cooper to take a break. The scene blends dark humor with a sense of determination as the characters navigate their personal and professional challenges.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character depth
  • Atmospheric setting
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched interactions
  • Minor pacing issues

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively sets a dark and tense tone, intertwining personal struggles with professional duties. The dialogue is sharp and engaging, providing insight into the characters' inner conflicts and the weight of their responsibilities.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the personal and professional struggles of law enforcement officers amidst a challenging investigation is compelling. The scene effectively conveys the complexities of balancing duty with personal life.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is engaging, focusing on the investigation of a brutal crime while delving into the characters' emotional journeys. It effectively sets up the ongoing mystery and the stakes involved in solving the case.

Originality: 7.5

The scene introduces familiar crime scene elements but adds originality through the characters' nuanced interactions and the exploration of personal struggles amidst the investigation. The authenticity of the dialogue and character dynamics enhances the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed, each grappling with personal challenges while dedicated to their roles in the investigation. Their interactions reveal depth and complexity, adding layers to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo subtle changes as they navigate the challenges of the investigation, revealing new facets of their personalities and motivations. Their experiences shape their perspectives and actions, hinting at further development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain composure and professionalism despite personal challenges and emotional burdens. Sheriff Cooper's sarcastic remarks and reminiscing about simpler times hint at his internal struggle to cope with the grim reality of his job.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to solve the murder case and bring justice to the victims and their families. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of tracking down a killer and the pressure to deliver results in a high-stakes investigation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The scene maintains a high level of conflict through the investigation of a brutal crime, the personal struggles of the characters, and the pressure to solve the case. Tensions are palpable, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing challenges both in the investigation and in their personal lives. The uncertainty surrounding the case and the characters' emotional struggles create obstacles that drive the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters grapple with a brutal crime, personal dilemmas, and the pressure to solve the case. The scene conveys the gravity of the situation and the consequences of failure, heightening tension.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by advancing the investigation, introducing new clues, and deepening the characters' arcs. It sets the stage for future developments while maintaining a sense of urgency and intrigue.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its character dynamics and revelations about the case, keeping the audience guessing about the killer's identity and the protagonists' next moves.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's belief in justice and the relentless pursuit of criminals, contrasting with the harsh realities of crime and the toll it takes on personal lives. This conflict challenges the protagonist's values and dedication to his duty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and anxiety to resignation and determination. The characters' personal struggles add depth and emotional resonance, engaging the audience on a visceral level.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and reflective of the characters' personalities, providing insight into their inner conflicts and the dynamics within the investigative team. It enhances the scene's authenticity and engagement.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of suspenseful crime investigation, character-driven dialogue, and moments of humor. The interactions between the characters and the unfolding mystery keep the audience invested in the narrative.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, alternating between moments of introspection and action. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions enhances the scene's effectiveness in conveying the investigative process.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to expected screenplay formatting conventions, with clear scene descriptions, character cues, and dialogue formatting. The visual and narrative elements are presented in a structured and coherent manner.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a standard crime procedural format, introducing the setting, characters, and conflict effectively. The pacing and progression of events align with genre expectations, maintaining audience engagement.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the police perspective in contrast to the killer's viewpoint from previous scenes, creating a balanced narrative structure that builds suspense and engages the audience by shifting focus to the investigators. However, the dialogue occasionally feels expository and stereotypical, such as Cooper's nostalgic ramblings about 'the good old days,' which may come across as clichéd and less authentic, potentially weakening the emotional impact and making characters seem one-dimensional despite their relatable personal struggles.
  • While the scene humanizes the characters through discussions of their personal lives—such as Thomas's family issues, Cooper's smoking cessation, and Burke's marital problems—it risks diluting the tension of the crime scene setting. The humorous banter, like the joke about Burke's wife being 'crazy,' contrasts sharply with the horror elements from earlier scenes, which could undermine the overall tone of unease and horror, making the shift feel jarring and less immersive for the audience.
  • Pacing is a notable strength in how the scene gradually reveals case details while developing character relationships, but it spends excessive time on peripheral conversations before advancing the plot significantly. For instance, the initial complaints about their days and the light-hearted exchange between Thomas and Burke delay the core investigation, which might frustrate viewers expecting more immediate progression in a thriller context, especially given the high-stakes murders depicted in prior scenes.
  • The visual elements, such as the windy conditions and squad cars, are well-described and contribute to a sense of chaos and realism, enhancing the atmosphere. However, the disgust and emotional reactions to the bodies could be more vividly portrayed to heighten the horror and connect more deeply with the audience's empathy, as the current depiction feels somewhat understated compared to the visceral violence shown in Ruth's scenes, potentially missing an opportunity to reinforce the theme of human cost in crime investigations.
  • The scene's conclusion, with Cooper's motivational speech about using instincts and catching the killer, effectively reinforces determination and themes of justice, tying into Thomas's personal history hinted at in later scenes. That said, it relies on generic cop-drama tropes, which might lack originality and fail to fully integrate with the screenplay's unique elements, such as Ruth's psychological depth, making the police characters feel like stock figures rather than fully fleshed-out counterparts to the antagonist.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more concise and natural, ensuring that personal anecdotes serve dual purposes by advancing the plot or revealing character traits subtly, such as linking Cooper's smoking quit to his stress from the case rather than having it as standalone exposition.
  • Adjust the tone for better consistency by reducing humorous elements in the crime scene interactions, perhaps by emphasizing the gravity of the situation through more serious exchanges or internal monologues, to maintain the unsettling atmosphere established in the teaser and align with the horror-thriller genre.
  • Improve pacing by intercutting the personal conversations with brief, focused shots of the crime scene or the bodies, creating a rhythm that builds tension more effectively and keeps the audience engaged without losing momentum, ensuring that every moment contributes to the overall narrative drive.
  • Enhance visual descriptions to amplify emotional impact, for example, by adding more sensory details like the sound of wind whistling or close-ups of the victims' faces to mirror the horror in Ruth's scenes, which could deepen the audience's connection to the investigators' revulsion and the story's themes of trauma and violence.
  • Make the closing dialogue more specific and thematic by incorporating references to earlier events, such as the news reports from Scene 2 or Ruth's trance-like states, to create stronger narrative continuity and foreshadow future developments, helping to elevate the scene from generic motivation to a pivotal moment in the character arcs.



Scene 7 -  Shadows of Isolation
INT. RUTH'S STUDIO APARTMENT - DAY
RUTH enters her dimly lit apartment, the main source of light
comes from the sun creeping through the blinds.
She takes off her shoes and turns on the radio to a news
station. RUTH walks to the kitchen in her dimly lit
apartment. She pulls out juice from the fridge and drinks
from the carton.
RUTH hears laughter from outside. QUICKLY RUTH pulls out a
knife from her knife block. A couple walks in front of RUTH's
window and stops, blocking RUTH's light source.
RUTH stares at the silhouette of the man and the woman. The
couple is preparing to kiss, their silhouette comes closer to
each other, now covering all of RUTH's light source.
RUTH hears more laughter as the couple gallops away. Her
light source comes back.
Silence.
RUTH sees a picture frame in front of her and holds it up.
It's a picture of her father standing in front of the CHEVY
IMPALA. RUTH falls into a trance.
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK: 1965 RENO
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a dimly lit studio apartment, Ruth returns home, feeling the weight of her solitude. As she drinks juice directly from the carton, laughter from a couple outside triggers her paranoia, prompting her to grab a knife for protection. The couple's silhouettes block her light as they share a moment, heightening her tension. Once they leave, the light returns, and Ruth's attention shifts to a picture of her father, leading her into a trance and a flashback to her past.
Strengths
  • Effective use of flashbacks
  • Building tension and mystery
  • Complex character exploration
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue impact
  • Some transitions could be smoother

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively sets a tense and mysterious tone, delving into Ruth's dark past while hinting at the complexities of her character. The seamless transition between present and flashback sequences adds depth and intrigue.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of intertwining present-day events with flashbacks to explore Ruth's past traumas is compelling. It adds depth to the character and sets the stage for a complex narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is engaging, revealing crucial details about Ruth's past and setting up the central conflict. It effectively hooks the audience and lays the groundwork for future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring themes of memory, vulnerability, and self-discovery through the use of visual cues and minimal dialogue. The authenticity of Ruth's actions and emotions adds depth to the character.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters, particularly Ruth, are intriguing and multi-dimensional. The scene provides insight into Ruth's psyche and motivations, setting the stage for character development and conflict.

Character Changes: 8

Ruth undergoes a significant emotional journey in the scene, grappling with her past traumas and the consequences of her actions. The revelations about her character hint at further development.

Internal Goal: 8

Ruth's internal goal in this scene is to confront her past and the memories associated with her father, as triggered by the picture frame. This reflects her deeper need for closure, understanding, and possibly reconciliation with her past.

External Goal: 6

Ruth's external goal in this scene is to protect herself, as seen when she quickly grabs a knife upon hearing laughter outside. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in feeling vulnerable and exposed in her own space.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene introduces internal and external conflicts, particularly within Ruth's character. The tension between past events and present actions creates a sense of impending danger.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create a sense of unease and mystery, leaving the audience uncertain about Ruth's past and her current emotional state. The external threat of the couple outside adds to the tension.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, as Ruth's past actions and present circumstances converge to create a sense of imminent danger and uncertainty.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key details about Ruth's past and setting up future conflicts. It propels the narrative while deepening the audience's understanding of the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it subverts expectations by blending moments of tension with introspective calm, keeping the audience on edge about Ruth's past and her current state of mind.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the juxtaposition of Ruth's desire for connection and her instinct for self-preservation. This challenges her beliefs about trust, vulnerability, and the need for human connection despite past experiences.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and sadness to guilt and confusion. Ruth's internal turmoil and the revelations about her past resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue serves its purpose in conveying information and building atmosphere. While not overly complex, it effectively sets the tone and reveals key aspects of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of intrigue and emotional resonance through its visual storytelling and character introspection. The audience is drawn into Ruth's world and her internal struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment with the flashback that adds layers to the narrative. The rhythm of the scene enhances its emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dramatic screenplay, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and transitions that guide the reader smoothly through the unfolding events.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and mystery, leading to a flashback that deepens the character's backstory. The pacing and transitions enhance the emotional impact of the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene effectively portrays Ruth's isolation and paranoia, building on her character's established traits from previous scenes, such as her hallucinations and violent tendencies. However, it feels somewhat repetitive in its use of trance-like states and flashbacks, which are recurring elements in the script. This could dilute the impact if not varied, as it risks making Ruth's emotional breakdowns predictable rather than progressively revealing deeper layers of her psyche. For a reader or audience, this scene reinforces Ruth's disconnection from reality and her obsessive connection to her father, but it lacks a strong hook or escalation that could make it more memorable or emotionally resonant.
  • The visual elements, such as the dimly lit apartment, the silhouette of the couple blocking light, and Ruth grabbing a knife, create a tense, voyeuristic atmosphere that hints at her instability. This is a strength in screenwriting terms, as it uses light and shadow to convey mood without dialogue. However, the scene could benefit from more detailed sensory descriptions to immerse the audience further—for instance, specifying sounds or smells that heighten the unease. Additionally, the radio is turned on but not utilized beyond setting a background noise; this misses an opportunity to integrate plot-relevant information, like news about the murders, which could create a parallel with the police investigation in Scene 6 and add thematic depth.
  • Character development is evident in Ruth's quick reaction to the laughter outside, showcasing her paranoia and readiness for violence, which ties into her backstory of trauma and conditioning by her father. Yet, this moment feels abrupt and could be better motivated to avoid seeming clichéd. For example, linking it more explicitly to her recent actions (like the killings in the flashback) would make her behavior more believable and help the audience understand her mindset. From a reader's perspective, this scene helps build sympathy or horror for Ruth, but it doesn't advance the plot significantly, potentially making it feel like filler in a script with many similar introspective moments.
  • The transition to the flashback is smooth in terms of narrative flow, maintaining the script's pattern of using trances to delve into Ruth's past. However, it lacks a unique twist or emotional peak that could make this particular cut more impactful. In the context of the entire script, where flashbacks are frequent, this scene doesn't stand out, which might weaken its role in pacing. Critically, while it effectively ends on a note that propels the story forward, it could use more buildup in the present scene to make the flashback feel earned, rather than a routine escape from reality.
  • Overall, the scene's tone of unease and solitude aligns well with the script's themes of trauma and violence, but its brevity and minimal action might slow the pace in a thriller context. With a screen time implied to be short (based on similar scenes), it serves as a character beat, but it could be tightened or combined with adjacent scenes to improve flow. For improvement, focusing on making Ruth's actions more nuanced could help avoid stereotyping her as a generic 'crazy' killer, instead emphasizing her complexity as shaped by her father's influence.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate specific dialogue or content from the radio news station that references the ongoing murders or police investigation, creating a direct link to Scene 6 and heightening tension by showing how Ruth's world is closing in on her.
  • Add subtle physical or emotional cues to Ruth's actions, such as her hands shaking when grabbing the knife or a brief internal monologue via voice-over, to better convey her paranoia and make the scene more engaging and character-driven.
  • Expand the interaction with the couple outside by describing Ruth's facial expressions or thoughts in more detail, perhaps showing jealousy or rage that ties back to her hallucinations, to make her knife-grabbing reaction feel more organic and less abrupt.
  • Strengthen the transition to the flashback by adding a line of dialogue or a visual motif (e.g., focusing on the picture frame longer with a specific memory trigger) to make the cut feel more intentional and emotionally charged, reducing the sense of repetition from earlier trance scenes.
  • Consider varying the pacing by introducing a small conflict or decision point in the scene, such as Ruth hesitating before grabbing the knife or interacting with an object that foreshadows future events, to add dynamism and ensure the scene contributes more actively to the overall narrative arc.



Scene 8 -  A Gift of Darkness
EXT. RUTH'S HOUSE - DAY
Seventeen-year-old RUTH, sits on the front porch of her mid-
size house, far away from any neighbor. She eats a Twinkie.
The wind blows the wind chimes. RUTH hears them. At peace.
Everything around her. The wind chimes, the wind, the heat
from the sun. RUTH is one with nature.

THEN- ED drives the Chevy Impala up the driveway.
RUTH
Dad! Are you kidding? Where did you
get this?
ED
I bought it. And it's yours.
RUTH
(excited)
Really? An Impala?
ED
Yeah! It's yours!
Muffled screaming is heard in the trunk, followed by banging.
RUTH is confused
RUTH
Dad?
ED opens the trunk of the Impala, revealing a tide up TEENAGE
BOY.
TEENAGE BOY
HELP!
ED quickly jams a rag into his mouth.
RUTH
Dad? What's going on?!
ED
Isn't this the boy who picked on
you?
RUTH
Yes. But. Why do you have him tied
up?
ED
We're going to teach him a lesson.
RUTH
What?
ED
Don't ask me why and how! Help me
get him out.
ED and RUTH drag the TEENAGE BOY out of the trunk and THROWS
him to the ground. ED hands RUTH a REVOLVER. The tide up teen
lays on the ground in terror.

ED (CONT’D)
Shoot him.
The TEENAGE BOY begins to panic on the ground.
ED (CONT’D)
(TO THE TEEN)
SHUT UP!
(BACK TO RUTH)
Ruth, shoot him honey.
RUTH
I- I can't!
ED
Yes, you can. You just have to
point-
ED makes a finger gun and points at the TEENAGE BOY.
ED (CONT’D)
-and shoot. No one's going to miss
this low life. He embarrassed you,
didn't he?
RUTH
Yes.
ED
He made you run home crying, didn't
he?
RUTH
Yes.
ED
What did he do? Tell him what he
did to you!
RUTH begins to cry
RUTH
He made fun of me.
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK SCHOOL - EARLIER THAT WEEK
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Seventeen-year-old Ruth enjoys a peaceful moment on her porch until her father, Ed, arrives with a surprise gift: a Chevy Impala. The mood shifts dramatically when Ed opens the trunk to reveal a bound teenage boy, the very bully who tormented Ruth. As Ed insists on teaching the boy a lesson through violence, he pressures Ruth to shoot him, igniting a moral conflict within her. The scene escalates from serene to tense, culminating in Ruth's emotional turmoil as she grapples with her father's demands, ending with a flashback to the bullying incident.
Strengths
  • Intense character dynamics
  • Effective use of flashbacks
  • Emotional depth and complexity
Weaknesses
  • Potentially triggering content
  • Graphic violence
  • Dark themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is highly impactful, setting a dark and intense tone while effectively introducing the complex relationship between Ruth and her father. It establishes a strong foundation for character development and hints at the deep-seated emotional conflicts within Ruth.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring Ruth's traumatic past and its impact on her present actions is compelling and sets up a strong foundation for character development. The scene effectively conveys the themes of violence, family legacy, and emotional turmoil.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricately woven, blending past events with present actions to create a sense of foreboding and mystery. The scene propels the narrative forward by revealing key aspects of Ruth's past and hinting at the conflicts to come.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on themes of revenge and justice by placing a teenage girl in a morally challenging situation orchestrated by her father. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and realism to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9.5

The characters, particularly Ruth and her father, are deeply complex and intriguing. The scene establishes their dynamic with nuance, hinting at layers of emotion and trauma that will drive the story forward.

Character Changes: 9

Ruth undergoes a significant emotional transformation in the scene, grappling with her past traumas and the legacy of violence within her family. The interaction with her father sets the stage for her character arc to unfold.

Internal Goal: 8

Ruth's internal goal is to reconcile her fear, confusion, and moral compass in the face of her father's violent actions. This reflects her deeper need for safety, understanding, and a sense of control over her own choices and values.

External Goal: 7

Ruth's external goal is to navigate the immediate threat and danger presented by her father's demand to shoot the tied-up teenage boy. This goal reflects the challenge she faces in asserting her own agency and moral beliefs in a coercive situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is rife with internal and external conflicts, from Ruth's emotional turmoil to the violent legacy of her family. The tension is palpable, creating a sense of unease and anticipation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, presenting a difficult moral choice for Ruth and a sense of impending danger. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding suspense and complexity to the conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as Ruth confronts her traumatic past and the violent legacy of her family. The tension and suspense are heightened, setting the stage for dramatic confrontations and revelations.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial aspects of Ruth's past and establishing the central conflicts that will drive the narrative. It sets the stage for future developments and character arcs.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden shift from a peaceful setting to a violent confrontation, challenging the audience's expectations and creating suspense. The moral ambiguity and conflicting motivations add layers of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of justice, revenge, and the moral implications of violence. Ruth's internal struggle to confront her father's actions and her own sense of right and wrong is challenged by her father's belief in retribution and power dynamics.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene evokes a strong emotional response, from fear and confusion to empathy for Ruth's traumatic past. The chilling interaction between Ruth and her father leaves a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is tense and impactful, revealing the power dynamics between Ruth and her father. The exchanges are chilling and laden with emotion, adding depth to the characters and setting the stage for future conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its gripping conflict, moral dilemmas, and emotional intensity. The audience is drawn into Ruth's internal struggle and the escalating tension between the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, capturing the emotional turmoil and moral dilemma faced by Ruth. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's impact and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced structure that builds tension effectively, transitioning from a calm moment to a high-stakes conflict. The dialogue and actions flow naturally, enhancing the scene's emotional impact.


Critique
  • This scene effectively portrays the origins of Ruth's violent conditioning by her father Ed, serving as a pivotal moment that explains her psychological makeup and ties into the broader themes of abuse, manipulation, and the cycle of violence present in the screenplay. The contrast between Ruth's initial serene state—connected with nature through the wind chimes, wind, and sun—and the sudden intrusion of horror with the captive boy in the trunk creates a jarring emotional shift that mirrors her disrupted innocence, making it a strong character-defining moment.
  • The dialogue reveals Ed's domineering and manipulative nature, with lines like 'Shoot him honey' and reminders of the bullying incident, which underscore his role in shaping Ruth's behavior. However, this dialogue can feel overly expository and on-the-nose, as it explicitly states motivations and events that could be shown more subtly through actions or subtext, potentially reducing the scene's tension and realism.
  • Ruth's internal conflict is depicted through her hesitation, crying, and reluctance, which humanizes her and builds sympathy, but this aspect could be developed further to make her struggle more nuanced. For instance, her quick shift from excitement about the car to confusion and fear might benefit from additional beats that explore her emotions, allowing the audience to better understand her trauma and reluctance, especially in the context of her trance-like states in other scenes.
  • Pacing is brisk, escalating rapidly from peace to violence, which amplifies shock value but might sacrifice depth. The scene's brevity (estimated around 45-60 seconds based on typical screenplay timing) could make the transition feel abrupt, potentially overwhelming the audience without enough time to process Ruth's emotional journey or the implications of Ed's actions.
  • Visually, elements like the isolated house, the Impala, and the boy's panic are well-utilized to create a tense atmosphere, but the scene could incorporate more sensory details to immerse the viewer, such as the sound of the boy's muffled screams or Ruth's physical reactions (e.g., trembling hands), enhancing the horror and connecting it to Ruth's hallucinations in surrounding scenes. Additionally, the cut to the school flashback at the end maintains the screenplay's non-linear structure but risks timeline confusion if not clearly signaled, as seen in the transition from Scene 7.
  • Overall, while the scene successfully advances the plot by revealing a key traumatic event in Ruth's past and reinforcing the father-daughter dynamic, it could strengthen its impact by balancing shock with emotional depth, ensuring it doesn't rely too heavily on direct exposition and instead uses cinematic techniques to evoke empathy and suspense.
Suggestions
  • Add transitional actions or micro-beats after the trunk is opened to build tension gradually, such as Ruth stepping closer hesitantly or exchanging more dialogue that reveals her internal conflict, allowing for a slower escalation that heightens emotional stakes.
  • Refine the dialogue to be less explicit; for example, have Ed use indirect references to the bullying (e.g., 'Remember how he made you feel?') to encourage Ruth to recall the events herself, making the scene more show-don't-tell and increasing audience engagement.
  • Incorporate more sensory and visual details to deepen immersion, such as describing Ruth's facial expressions, the boy's wide-eyed terror, or environmental sounds like the wind chimes contrasting with the boy's muffled cries, to better convey the scene's atmosphere and Ruth's psychological state.
  • Extend Ruth's emotional response by including a brief moment of her reflecting on the gun or hesitating longer, perhaps with a close-up on her face or a flashback snippet within this scene, to make her reluctance more compelling and tie it to her current-day trances.
  • Ensure smooth integration with adjacent scenes by clarifying the flashback transition—perhaps with a subtitle or visual cue—and consider adjusting the pacing to align with the screenplay's overall rhythm, ensuring this scene doesn't feel rushed in comparison to the more drawn-out moments in scenes like the crime scene investigations.



Scene 9 -  Escalation of Bullying
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
RUTH was in school in front of the class. Her teacher made
her read but she struggles to pronounce the words. The teen
is making fun of her. Laughing with his friends.
Embarrassed. RUTH walks back to her desk and sits next to the
teen. Laughing at her. RUTH scowls. She threw her book at
him.
ED (V.O.)
Tell me. What did he do next?
BACK TO:
EXT. RUTH’S HOUSE - DAY
RUTH
(To the teen)
You hit me. You pulled down my
dress. You called me stupid...
The teen shakes his head as tears run down his face.
ED
See! He's denying it. He's a liar!
A big fat liar!
RUTH points the gun at the teenager. He tries to mutter
‘Sorry’ through the rag in his mouth.
RUTH
He's a liar.
ED
Shoot him, Ruth. Shoot him!
*THE GUN GOES OFF*
END OF FLASHBACK
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama","Crime"]

Summary In this flashback scene, Ruth struggles with reading in class, leading to mockery from a teen boy. Embarrassed and angry, she retaliates by throwing her book at him. The scene shifts to her home, where she confronts the same teen, accusing him of bullying and abuse. Influenced by Ed's voice-over, Ruth threatens him with a gun, dismissing his apologies and ultimately shoots him, culminating in a violent resolution.
Strengths
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Intense emotional impact
  • High-stakes decision-making
  • Effective use of flashbacks
Weaknesses
  • Potential for graphic violence
  • Complex narrative structure may require audience attention to follow

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is gripping, intense, and emotionally charged, effectively setting up the dark and suspenseful tone of the screenplay. The intricate character dynamics and the high-stakes decision-making contribute to a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring past traumas and their impact on present actions is compelling and well-executed. The scene delves into complex moral dilemmas and psychological depths, adding layers to the characters and the overall storyline.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricately woven, blending past events with present actions to create a sense of foreboding and mystery. The scene advances the overarching narrative while deepening character development and raising the stakes.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of bullying and revenge, incorporating elements of power dynamics and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9.3

The characters are multi-dimensional and engaging, with their internal conflicts and external actions driving the scene forward. Ruth's internal struggle and the dynamics between her and Ed add depth and complexity to the story.

Character Changes: 9

Ruth undergoes a significant emotional transformation throughout the scene, grappling with past traumas and making a fateful decision that alters her character trajectory. The scene marks a pivotal moment in her development.

Internal Goal: 8

Ruth's internal goal is to confront and seek justice for the humiliation and mistreatment she faced at the hands of the teen. This reflects her need for empowerment, validation, and standing up for herself.

External Goal: 7

Ruth's external goal is to make the teen admit to his wrongdoings and face the consequences for his actions. This reflects the immediate challenge of asserting her authority and seeking retribution.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.2

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts that drive the narrative forward and heighten the tension. The moral dilemma faced by Ruth and the escalating stakes create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ruth facing a challenging moral dilemma and the teen's denial adding complexity to the conflict. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, creating suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with life-and-death decisions, moral dilemmas, and the unraveling of dark secrets driving the tension. The characters' fates hang in the balance, adding urgency and suspense to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial backstory, deepening character relationships, and setting up future conflicts. It lays the groundwork for the narrative arc and raises important questions for the audience.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable as the tension escalates unexpectedly, leading to a shocking resolution. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of justice, revenge, and the morality of taking matters into one's own hands. Ruth's actions challenge societal norms and raise questions about the nature of punishment and accountability.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, eliciting feelings of fear, guilt, and sadness. The intense character moments and dramatic events leave a lasting impact on the viewer.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and conflicts. It enhances the tension and reveals key aspects of the characters' personalities and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its high emotional stakes, dramatic conflict, and the suspenseful build-up towards the climax. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and motivations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing effectively builds tension and suspense, maintaining a rhythmic flow that enhances the scene's impact. It contributes to the emotional intensity and dramatic escalation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting aligns with the genre's standards, effectively conveying the scene's intensity and emotional impact. It enhances the reader's visualization and engagement.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and conflict, leading to a climactic moment. It adheres to the expected format for its genre, enhancing the narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds on the previous one by providing the inciting incident for Ruth's traumatic experience, showing the bullying that justifies Ed's manipulation in her eyes. This flashback structure helps the audience understand Ruth's backstory and the origins of her violent tendencies, making her character more relatable and complex. However, the transition between the classroom and the house confrontation feels somewhat abrupt, relying heavily on Ed's voice-over, which might not fully immerse the viewer in Ruth's emotional state, potentially weakening the psychological depth.
  • The dialogue, particularly Ed's voice-over, is direct and expository, spelling out the conflict ('He's a liar! A big fat liar!') which can come across as heavy-handed. This reduces the subtlety that could make the scene more engaging and allows the audience to infer motivations rather than being told them outright. Additionally, Ruth's accusation ('You hit me. You pulled down my dress. You called me stupid...') is powerful but could benefit from more nuanced delivery to show her vulnerability and rage, enhancing the emotional impact.
  • Visually, the scene contrasts the public humiliation in the classroom with the private vengeance at home, which underscores themes of isolation and cyclical violence. The gunshot ending is shocking and memorable, reinforcing the story's dark tone. That said, the teen's reaction—shaking his head and muttering 'sorry'—humanizes him briefly, but this is undercut by the quick resolution, missing an opportunity to explore Ruth's moral dilemma more thoroughly, which could make her actions feel more tragic and less inevitable.
  • In terms of pacing, the scene moves quickly from embarrassment to violence, which maintains tension but might sacrifice moments for character reflection. For instance, Ruth's scowl and book-throwing in the classroom are good indicators of her anger, but expanding on her internal conflict could draw viewers deeper into her psyche. Overall, while the scene advances the plot and character development, it could strengthen its psychological realism by balancing action with introspection.
  • The use of voice-over for Ed is a smart choice to maintain his influence across time, linking past and present storylines. However, it risks making Ed seem omnipresent and god-like, which might diminish the realism of Ruth's hallucinations in later scenes. This could confuse viewers about the nature of her mental state if not handled carefully, as the script already deals with themes of trauma and dissociation.
Suggestions
  • Refine the voice-over dialogue to be more subtle and insidious, such as changing 'He's a liar! A big fat liar!' to something like 'Look at him, denying it all. Just like they always do,' to make it feel more natural and less on-the-nose, allowing the audience to engage with the subtext.
  • Add more visual and physical cues to heighten emotional depth, for example, show Ruth's hands shaking as she holds the gun or close-ups of her face during the accusation to convey her internal conflict, making the scene more cinematic and immersive.
  • Extend the confrontation at Ruth's house to build tension, perhaps by having the teen's muffled pleas linger longer or Ruth hesitating more visibly, which could emphasize her reluctance and make the eventual gunshot more impactful and tragic.
  • Improve the transition between settings by using a smoother cut or a visual motif, like echoing the sound of laughter from the classroom into the house scene, to create a more fluid narrative flow and reinforce the psychological connection.
  • Incorporate a brief moment of Ruth's internal monologue or a flashback within the flashback to the specific bullying incidents she mentions, adding layers to her trauma and making the scene feel more integral to her character arc without extending the screen time significantly.



Scene 10 -  Solitude and Shadows
INT. RUTH'S STUDIO APARTMENT - DAY
RUTH stands alone in the dark. The space is silent. RUTH
reaches into her jacket pocket and pulls out a Twinkie,
opening the wrapper with her teeth.
BACK TO
FLASHBACK

EXT. RUTH'S HOUSE - DAY
Tears run down RUTH's blood-smeared cheeks as she holds the
gun with smoke still leaving the barrel. ED gives RUTH a hug.
ED
I'm proud of you Ruth. Don't let
anybody make you feel like that
ever again.
END OF FLASHBACK
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a dark and silent studio apartment, Ruth finds herself alone, coping with her solitude by eating a Twinkie. The scene shifts to a flashback where Ruth, with tears and blood on her face, holds a smoking gun after a violent act. Ed comforts her with pride and encouragement, urging her not to let others mistreat her. The contrasting tones highlight Ruth's trauma and the moment of empowerment she experiences through Ed's support.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Seamless transitions between past and present
  • Compelling character development
Weaknesses
  • Sparse dialogue
  • Potentially disturbing content

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene effectively sets a dark and intense tone through the use of flashbacks, emotional turmoil, and a sense of pride. The execution is strong, with impactful character development and plot progression.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of exploring Ruth's past traumas and the influence of her deceased father on her actions is compelling. The scene effectively conveys the themes of guilt, pride, and emotional struggle.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is engaging, delving into Ruth's past through flashbacks while progressing the present-day narrative. The scene effectively builds tension and sets up future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring themes of trauma and redemption through its use of flashback sequences and subtle character interactions. The authenticity of Ruth's actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.7

The characters, especially Ruth and her deceased father Ed, are well-developed and complex. Their interactions and emotional depth drive the scene forward, adding layers to the narrative.

Character Changes: 9

Ruth undergoes significant emotional changes throughout the scene, from confronting past traumas to seeking approval and dealing with inner turmoil. Her character arc is compelling and well-developed.

Internal Goal: 8

Ruth's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with her past actions and emotions, particularly the traumatic event shown in the flashback. She seeks closure and resolution within herself.

External Goal: 7.5

Ruth's external goal is not explicitly stated in this scene, but it can be inferred that she may be striving for personal growth, healing, or reconciliation with her past.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.4

The scene contains internal conflicts within Ruth, external conflicts from past traumas, and the looming presence of unresolved issues. The conflicts drive the emotional intensity of the scene.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, particularly in Ruth's internal struggle to come to terms with her past actions and emotions.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with Ruth confronting her past traumas, seeking approval from her deceased father, and dealing with intense emotional turmoil. The consequences of her actions have significant impact.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by revealing crucial aspects of Ruth's past, setting up future conflicts, and deepening the emotional stakes. It adds layers to the narrative progression.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional depth and revelations about Ruth's past traumas, keeping the audience intrigued and invested in her journey.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around themes of guilt, redemption, and self-forgiveness. Ruth is grappling with her past actions and the impact they have had on her sense of self.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of tension, sadness, and pride. The exploration of Ruth's past traumas and emotional struggles resonates with the audience.

Dialogue: 8.2

The dialogue is sparse but impactful, conveying emotions and character dynamics effectively. The silence and actions speak volumes, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, the mystery surrounding Ruth's past, and the gradual revelation of her inner turmoil.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, allowing for moments of reflection and introspection that enhance the overall impact of the narrative.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, effectively transitioning between present and flashback sequences to create a cohesive narrative flow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure that effectively conveys Ruth's internal conflict and emotional journey. The flashback adds depth to the narrative and enhances the character development.


Critique
  • This scene effectively reinforces the theme of Ruth's psychological trauma and her toxic relationship with her father's memory, serving as a direct callback to the end of Scene 9 where Ruth shoots the bully. The contrast between the mundane act of eating a Twinkie in her silent apartment and the violent flashback creates a jarring emotional shift that highlights Ruth's dissociation and coping mechanisms, making it a strong moment for character development. However, the scene feels somewhat abrupt and underdeveloped, as the transition from the present-day action to the flashback lacks a clear trigger or buildup, which could make it confusing for viewers who might not immediately connect it to the previous scene's climax. Additionally, while the Twinkie serves as a subtle symbol of Ruth's childlike innocence or regression, it isn't given enough context or screen time to land its emotional weight, potentially coming across as a random detail rather than a meaningful one. The dialogue in the flashback is concise and impactful, with Ed's line providing affirmation that deepens the manipulation theme, but it risks feeling repetitive if the script frequently uses similar father-daughter interactions without evolving them. Overall, as an early scene in the script, it builds on Ruth's backstory but could benefit from more nuanced visual storytelling to enhance the audience's understanding of her internal conflict, especially in a screenplay that relies heavily on flashbacks.
  • From a pacing perspective, this scene is very brief, which aligns with the overall structure of a 46-scene script but might not allow enough time for the emotional resonance to fully register. The silence in the apartment could be a powerful tool for building tension, but it's underutilized here, as the cut to the flashback happens too quickly, potentially disrupting the flow and making the scene feel like a mere bridge rather than a standalone moment. Visually, the image of Ruth with blood-smeared cheeks and a smoking gun is striking and evocative, effectively conveying the aftermath of violence, but the lack of additional details—such as Ruth's facial expressions, body language, or environmental cues—limits the depth of the audience's empathy. This could be an opportunity to explore Ruth's moral ambiguity more thoroughly, but the scene settles for reinforcing established patterns without advancing her character arc significantly. As a reader or viewer, this moment helps contextualize Ruth's ongoing trauma, but it might benefit from tighter integration with the surrounding scenes to avoid feeling formulaic in a story already rich with flashbacks.
  • In terms of character consistency, Ruth's portrayal here as vulnerable and tearful aligns well with her established traits from earlier scenes, such as her trance-like states and reliance on her father's approval. However, the scene doesn't add much new insight into her psyche beyond what's already shown, which could make it feel redundant in a narrative that frequently delves into her past. The hug from Ed, while emotionally charged, might come across as overly sentimental or manipulative without sufficient variation in their dynamic, potentially desensitizing the audience to these interactions over time. Critically, the end of the flashback provides a sense of closure to the bullying incident from Scene 9, but it doesn't push the story forward in a meaningful way, as it primarily serves as emotional reinforcement rather than introducing conflict or revelation. For improvement, focusing on how this scene fits into the larger arc—such as hinting at Ruth's escalating instability or foreshadowing future events—could make it more engaging and less reliant on expository flashbacks.
Suggestions
  • Add a subtle trigger for the flashback, such as Ruth staring at a scar, hearing a sound reminiscent of the gunshots, or touching an object that links to her past, to make the transition feel more organic and less abrupt.
  • Extend the present-day segment slightly to show more of Ruth's internal state, like her hands shaking or a close-up on her face as she eats the Twinkie, to build tension and deepen the audience's connection to her coping mechanisms.
  • Incorporate more visual or auditory details in the flashback to heighten emotional impact, such as the wind chimes from earlier scenes or a slow zoom on Ruth's expression to emphasize her conflict, avoiding over-reliance on dialogue.
  • Consider varying the father-daughter dynamic by adding a moment of doubt or resistance in Ruth's response to Ed, to show character growth and prevent the scene from feeling repetitive with previous flashbacks.
  • Ensure the Twinkie motif is tied to broader themes or recurring elements in the script, such as using it to symbolize innocence lost, and reference it in other scenes for consistency and payoff.



Scene 11 -  Forced Obligation
INT. RUTH'S STUDIO APARTMENT - DAY
RUTH's phone rings.
RUTH snaps out of her trance and walks over to her phone and
picks it up.
RUTH
Hello?
On the other line is DEBORAH (31), a coworker. She never
stops talking.
DEBORAH
Hey, Dillon. Can you come to work
today and cover my shift?
RUTH
(soft)
It's my day off.
DEBORAH
I know, I'm sorry but my Mom needs
me right now. I promise to cover
any of your upcoming shifts.
RUTH pauses.
DEBORAH (CONT’D)
Hello? Dillion! C’mon! Don’t be so
selfish! Like always. You never
want to talk to me. You don’t
listen. Half of the time. I don’t
even know that you’re listening
right now... You just stare-
RUTH
(frustrated)
-Okay. Fine. I'll be on my way.

DEBORAH
Thank you so much Dill-
RUTH hangs up the phone.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a tense scene set in Ruth's studio apartment, Ruth is pulled from a trance by a phone call from her coworker Deborah, who pressures her to cover a work shift on her day off. Despite Ruth's initial reluctance and soft refusals, Deborah's persistent accusations of selfishness lead to Ruth's frustration, prompting her to agree to cover the shift before abruptly hanging up the phone.
Strengths
  • Strong character development for Ruth
  • Effective portrayal of internal conflict and tension
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys Ruth's inner turmoil and the pressure she feels from her coworker, setting up a sense of tension and conflict within her character.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of duty and sacrifice is central to the scene, as Ruth grapples with her own desires and the expectations placed upon her by others.

Plot: 8

While the plot does not advance significantly in this scene, it serves to deepen the audience's understanding of Ruth's character and her internal struggles.

Originality: 8

The scene demonstrates originality through its nuanced exploration of workplace dynamics and personal boundaries. The dialogue feels authentic and captures the complexities of human relationships, adding depth to the characters' actions and motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Ruth's character is well-developed in this scene, showcasing her internal conflict, frustration, and sense of duty. Her decision to cover the shift reveals aspects of her personality and values.

Character Changes: 7

While Ruth's decision to cover the shift shows a willingness to sacrifice for others, her core character remains consistent in its sense of duty and internal conflict.

Internal Goal: 8

Ruth's internal goal in this scene is to assert her boundaries and prioritize her own needs over her coworker's demands. This reflects her deeper desire for autonomy and self-respect.

External Goal: 7

Ruth's external goal is to navigate the conflict between her personal time off and her coworker's request for a shift cover. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing work commitments with personal obligations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Ruth struggles with her own feelings of frustration and obligation.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong as Ruth faces conflicting demands from her coworker, creating a dilemma that challenges her values and priorities. The audience is left uncertain about how Ruth will resolve the situation.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on Ruth's internal conflict and decision-making.

Story Forward: 7

The scene does not significantly move the main plot forward but provides important character development for Ruth.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn in Ruth's decision to cover the shift despite her initial reluctance. The tension between the characters keeps the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between self-care and external expectations. Ruth's coworker represents a value system that prioritizes personal needs over professional duties, while Ruth struggles to assert her own boundaries and maintain a sense of self-worth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a sense of empathy for Ruth and her internal struggles, creating an emotional connection with the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys Ruth's emotions and the tension between her and her coworker, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional intensity between the characters, the relatable conflict of balancing personal and professional responsibilities, and the suspense of how Ruth will navigate the situation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional stakes through pauses, interruptions, and character reactions. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's impact and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the standard conventions of screenplay format, making it easy to follow and visualize the unfolding events. The clear layout enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre by establishing the setting, introducing the characters, and building tension through dialogue and character interactions. The pacing and structure contribute to the scene's effectiveness in conveying the conflict and resolution.


Critique
  • This scene effectively captures the disruption of Ruth's internal world by an external force, mirroring her ongoing psychological struggles and providing a contrast to the intense flashback from the previous scene. It highlights Ruth's isolation and vulnerability, as she is pulled from a trance-like state into a mundane, irritating interaction, which helps build suspense and character depth. However, the transition feels somewhat abrupt and could benefit from more subtle cues to maintain the audience's emotional connection, ensuring that the shift from her traumatic memories to everyday annoyances doesn't come across as jarring or disconnected from the larger narrative.
  • Deborah's dialogue is overly verbose and aggressive, which serves to portray her as an annoying, pushy character but risks feeling stereotypical and unnatural. Her rambling accusations about Ruth being 'selfish' and not listening may unintentionally overshadow Ruth's character development, making the scene feel more focused on Deborah's frustration than on Ruth's response. This could alienate readers if not balanced, as it doesn't fully explore how this interaction affects Ruth's mental state or ties into her history of trauma and violence.
  • The use of the name 'Dillon' by Deborah adds an intriguing layer of confusion and potential identity issues for Ruth, which could be a nod to her disguised life or psychological dissociation. However, without clearer context or payoff, it might confuse the audience, especially if this is the first introduction of the name mix-up. This element has the potential to deepen the thriller aspects by hinting at Ruth's fractured identity, but it currently lacks the depth to make it a meaningful part of her character arc.
  • Pacing in this scene is tight and efficient, reflecting the interruption of Ruth's solitude, but it might be too rushed to allow for meaningful tension or character insight. The quick resolution—Ruth agreeing and hanging up—feels anticlimactic given the buildup from her trance, and it doesn't fully capitalize on the opportunity to show how such everyday stresses exacerbate her instability. As a result, the scene risks feeling like filler rather than a pivotal moment that advances the plot or reveals more about Ruth's psyche.
  • Overall, the scene successfully integrates into the script's themes of isolation, trauma, and the blending of past and present, as Ruth's frustration echoes her earlier experiences of being bullied and manipulated. However, it could strengthen the audience's understanding of Ruth's character by incorporating more visual or sensory details that connect her current emotional state to her hallucinations or violent tendencies, making the critique more comprehensive for both the writer and reader.
Suggestions
  • Add more descriptive actions or internal reactions for Ruth during the phone call, such as her hand trembling or a brief flashback trigger, to better illustrate her psychological state and create a smoother transition from the trance, enhancing emotional depth and audience engagement.
  • Refine Deborah's dialogue to make it more natural and less rant-like, perhaps by shortening her speeches or incorporating specific details about their workplace that reveal more about Ruth's daily life and how it contrasts with her dark secrets, making the interaction feel more authentic and purposeful.
  • Clarify the 'Dillon' name reference by either providing earlier context or using it as a moment for Ruth to internally reflect on her assumed identity, which could tie into the thriller elements and foreshadow her evasion tactics, adding layers to her character without overwhelming the scene.
  • Extend the scene slightly after Ruth hangs up to show her immediate aftermath, like her staring at the phone or preparing to leave with a sense of dread, to build tension and ensure the scene contributes more actively to the plot progression and Ruth's character development.
  • Incorporate subtle visual motifs from earlier scenes, such as referencing the picture frame or wind chimes, to reinforce thematic continuity and show how Ruth's trauma influences her reactions, helping to maintain the script's cohesive tone and provide clearer insights into her motivations.



Scene 12 -  Tension at the Station
INT. POLICE STATION - LATER
THOMAS sits at his desk going through files. A HUGE STACK
sits on his desk. THOMAS sees SHERIFF COOPER yells on the
phone in his office.
COOPER SLAMS his phone down! He storms out of his office.
COOPER
(TO EVERYONE)
Alright, listen up!
THE STATION silences. ALL EYES ON COOPER.
COOPER (CONT’D)
I just got off the phone with the
mayor. Not only he thinks we are
fucking around- He questioned my
role as SHERIFF! CHALLENGED my
authority. AND THAT PISSES ME OFF!
LET'S PROVE that PRICK WRONG! YOU
HEAR? That means- WORKING OVERTIME
BOYS! TILL WE CATCH THIS MONSTER!
COOPER storms back into his office. Everyone in the station
resumes their work.
THOMAS continues flipping through files. He is looking at
prior arrests made at the police station. He comes across a
man named, ROBERT GILLIES.
ROBERT's mugshot shows an unkept man with an intimidating and
intense stare. THOMAS reads his profile- "BATTERY, STALKING,
RESISTING ARREST"
BURKE walks in
BURKE
(To Thomas)
What are you doing?
THOMAS
You heard the sheriff. Police work!
Unlike your ass...
BURKE
Hey! I'm busy! But I chose to come
over here to talk to you!

THOMAS ignores him. He continues to read the file. BURKE
notices.
BURKE (CONT’D)
You gotta stop stressing yourself
out. Seriously. You're walking
around the station with a stick up
your ass, pulling out your own hair-
and I'm behind you picking up the
pieces.
SHERIFF COOPER is in a heated argument on the phone. THOMAS
and BURKE can hear his muffled yells coming from his office.
BURKE (CONT’D)
The sheriff was a hard-ass before.
Now, look at him! He is cut-throat
scary. You gotta stop putting it
all on your shoulders.
BURKE grabs half of the stack from his desk.
BURKE (CONT’D)
Here...I'll help! Are these your
potential leads?
THOMAS
Yeah...
BURKE
We'll split the work.
THOMAS
Thank you.
BURKE walks off. THOMAS takes a moment to himself.
SERIES OF SHOTS:
FLASHBACK 1963: AUSTIN, TEXAS
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense police station scene, Sheriff Cooper vents his frustration over the mayor's challenge to his authority, rallying the team to work overtime to catch a suspect. Thomas, overwhelmed by his workload, receives support from Burke, who encourages him to manage his stress and offers to help with the files. The scene captures the stress of the investigation and ends with a transition to flashbacks from 1963 Austin, Texas.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Character dynamics
  • Plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Limited character depth
  • Potential predictability in conflict resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene effectively sets a tense and urgent tone, introducing conflict and high stakes through Sheriff Cooper's ultimatum. It establishes a sense of urgency and determination within the police station, driving the plot forward and adding depth to the investigation.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of the scene, focusing on the pressure faced by law enforcement to solve a case and the introduction of a potential suspect, is compelling and drives the narrative forward. It effectively sets up the central conflict and establishes key elements for future developments.

Plot: 8.7

The plot of the scene is crucial in advancing the overarching storyline, introducing new elements and raising the stakes for the characters. It effectively sets up future conflicts and developments, driving the narrative forward with a sense of urgency and tension.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar setting of a police station but adds originality through the intense interactions between characters, the portrayal of pressure and responsibility, and the unique voice of the writer.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters in the scene, particularly Sheriff Cooper and Deputy Thomas, are well-developed and contribute to the escalating tension and conflict. Their interactions and reactions add depth to the scene, enhancing the overall impact and engagement.

Character Changes: 8

The scene sets the stage for potential character changes, particularly for Deputy Thomas as he grapples with the pressure and expectations placed on him by Sheriff Cooper. The escalating conflict and high stakes may lead to significant character development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Thomas's internal goal is to prove himself and handle the pressure of the situation. This reflects his need for validation, competence, and the fear of failure.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to catch the criminal, as instructed by Sheriff Cooper. This reflects the immediate challenge and the need to meet the expectations of authority.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.8

The scene features a high level of conflict, both internal and external, as Sheriff Cooper demands action and tensions rise within the police station. The conflict drives the plot forward and adds intensity to the unfolding events, keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Sheriff Cooper's challenging demands, Thomas's internal struggles, and the external pressure to catch the criminal creating obstacles and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 9

The scene features high stakes, as Sheriff Cooper demands action to catch a killer and challenges the authority of law enforcement. The urgency and pressure faced by the characters elevate the stakes, adding intensity and suspense to the unfolding investigation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new elements, raising the stakes, and setting up future conflicts and developments. It propels the narrative with a sense of urgency and tension, driving the plot towards key resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting dynamics between characters, the unexpected support offered by Burke, and the escalating tension within the station.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between individual responsibility and teamwork. Thomas feels the weight of responsibility on his shoulders, while Burke emphasizes the importance of sharing the burden and working together.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.2

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, primarily driven by the tension and urgency conveyed through the characters' interactions and the high stakes involved. It evokes a sense of determination and pressure, setting the stage for future emotional developments.

Dialogue: 8.4

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the urgency and determination of the characters, adding to the overall tension and conflict. It drives the plot forward and establishes key character dynamics, enhancing the scene's impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense character interactions, and the sense of urgency created by the situation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and momentum, keeping the audience engaged and reflecting the urgency of the situation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a tense and dramatic moment in a police procedural genre, with clear character introductions, conflict escalation, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the high-stakes atmosphere in the police station by showing Sheriff Cooper's outburst, which reinforces the pressure from external authorities like the mayor and ties into the broader theme of institutional frustration in the face of unsolved crimes. This moment helps the reader understand the mounting tension in the investigation subplot, mirroring Ruth's own psychological turmoil in earlier scenes, but it could benefit from more nuanced character reactions to make the collective response feel less generic and more individualized, enhancing emotional engagement.
  • Thomas's character is portrayed as diligent and stressed, which is consistent with his backstory revealed in later scenes (e.g., his brother's death), but in this scene, his internal conflict feels somewhat understated. The critique here is that while we see him 'ignoring' Burke and continuing with his work, there's little visual or dialogue cue that deeply conveys his personal toll, such as subtle physical mannerisms or internal thoughts, which could help the reader better empathize with his arc and connect it to the traumatic flashbacks that punctuate the script.
  • The interaction between Thomas and Burke serves to humanize the supporting characters and provide a moment of camaraderie, which is a strength in building the ensemble feel of the police station. However, Burke's dialogue about Thomas 'walking around with a stick up your ass' comes across as overly casual and sitcom-like in a thriller context, potentially undermining the scene's tension; it could be refined to better reflect the gritty, realistic tone of the script, making the criticism more pointed and tied to the ongoing murder investigation for greater thematic depth.
  • The discovery of Robert Gillies' mugshot is a pivotal plot point that introduces a potential suspect, adding intrigue and advancing the investigation. Yet, the execution feels abrupt and lacks buildup, which might confuse readers or make the reveal seem coincidental rather than earned. Integrating more foreshadowing or contextual clues from earlier scenes could strengthen this moment, ensuring it feels like a natural progression in the narrative rather than a convenient plot device.
  • The scene's transition to the flashback series at the end is abrupt and could disrupt the flow, as it shifts focus from the present-day police work to Thomas's past without clear narrative justification in this specific scene. This critique highlights a missed opportunity to use the flashback as a direct emotional response to Thomas's current stress, such as triggering it through his file review, to create a smoother bridge between the investigative and personal elements of the story.
  • Overall, while the scene maintains a steady pace and advances the plot by showing the police's determination and interpersonal dynamics, it risks feeling like procedural filler due to its reliance on exposition (e.g., Cooper's rant and file review). To improve reader understanding and engagement, incorporating more visceral, sensory details—such as the chaotic sounds of the station or Thomas's physical exhaustion—could elevate the cinematic quality and better align with the script's darker, psychological tone established in Ruth's scenes.
Suggestions
  • Add subtle physical actions or facial expressions for Thomas during his file review to externalize his stress, such as rubbing his temples or glancing at a photo of his family, to make his emotional state more vivid and connected to his backstory.
  • Refine Burke's dialogue to be more supportive and less flippant, perhaps by having him reference a shared experience from a previous case, to deepen their relationship and make the conversation feel more authentic and less expository.
  • Build suspense around the discovery of Robert Gillies' mugshot by hinting at it earlier in the scene or through a slow reveal, such as Thomas hesitating before turning the page, to make the moment more impactful and less sudden.
  • Strengthen the transition to the flashback by tying it directly to Thomas's actions or thoughts in the scene, for example, having him pause on a file that reminds him of his brother's case, to create a seamless narrative link and improve pacing.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the visual and auditory elements, like the hum of fluorescent lights or the rustle of papers, to make the police station setting more immersive and cinematic, aligning with the script's overall style.
  • Consider shortening Cooper's rant or making it more concise to avoid it feeling overly dramatic, and use it to foreshadow future conflicts, such as the FBI's involvement, to add layers of anticipation without bogging down the scene.



Scene 13 -  Echoes of the Past
EXT. TEXAS STATE FAIR - NIGHT
THOMAS gets FLASHES of his past. 14-year-old THOMAS and his
older brother RICHIE (19) at the fair. They’re go on a
rollercoaster and play carnival games.
RICHIE bumps into a hooded man.
RICHIE
(aggressive)
WATCH IT!

RICHIE pulls THOMAS close. Shrugs it off.
THOMAS loses to his brother on the carnival games. Except for
shooting. THOMAS aims the rifles with confidence. A skill he
learned from their dad.
BULLSEYE! Every shot. RICHIE wanders off while THOMAS shoots.
THEN BANG! A real gunshot snaps THOMAS out of focus. He TURNS
and RICHIE is on the floor in a puddle of blood.
The crowd are running away while THOMAS makes his way to his
brother.
END OF FLASHBACK
BACK TO:
INT. POLICE STATION
THOMAS sits. Staring at his workload. Crime scene pictures.
All too familiar.
END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Thomas recalls a traumatic memory from his childhood at the Texas State Fair, where he and his older brother Richie enjoy rides and games. The mood shifts dramatically when Richie confronts a hooded man, and moments later, a gunshot is heard, leaving Richie fatally wounded. The flashback ends, and Thomas, now an adult, is seen in a police station, haunted by crime scene photos that evoke his past trauma, marking a somber conclusion to Act One.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character exploration
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue
  • Dependence on visuals for impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene is well-structured, intense, and emotionally impactful, providing crucial insights into Thomas's character. It effectively sets up the tone for the upcoming acts and engages the audience with its dark revelations.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of exploring Thomas's past trauma at the fair adds layers to his character and enriches the narrative. It deepens the audience's understanding of his motivations and inner struggles.

Plot: 8.7

The plot progression in this scene is significant as it unveils a crucial moment from Thomas's past, adding depth to the overall story. It sets the stage for character development and future conflicts.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic theme of family tragedy and crime investigation. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and emotionally resonant, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The focus on Thomas's character in this scene is compelling, showcasing his vulnerability and inner turmoil. The exploration of his past adds complexity and dimension to his persona, making him more relatable to the audience.

Character Changes: 9

Thomas undergoes a significant emotional transformation as his past trauma resurfaces, revealing his vulnerability and inner turmoil. The scene sets the stage for potential character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Thomas's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the traumatic memory of his brother's shooting. He is grappling with feelings of guilt, loss, and the need for closure.

External Goal: 7.5

Thomas's external goal is to investigate and solve the crime related to his brother's shooting. He is driven by a sense of justice and a desire to find the truth.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.3

The internal conflict within Thomas, stemming from his traumatic past, drives the emotional intensity of the scene. The unresolved emotions and guilt create a sense of unease and anticipation for future developments.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Thomas facing internal and external challenges that test his resolve and push the narrative forward. The uncertainty surrounding his brother's shooting adds a layer of complexity and intrigue.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are established through Thomas's traumatic past and the emotional turmoil he faces. The scene hints at the potential consequences of unresolved trauma and sets the stage for intense conflicts.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by providing crucial insights into Thomas's past, setting up future conflicts and character arcs. It deepens the narrative complexity and adds layers to the overall plot.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden shift from a nostalgic flashback to a shocking present-day event. The unexpected twist keeps the audience on edge and eager to uncover the truth.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around themes of family loyalty, responsibility, and the impact of violence. Thomas is faced with the moral dilemma of seeking justice while dealing with the emotional aftermath of his brother's death.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene delivers a high emotional impact through Thomas's traumatic flashback, evoking feelings of fear, guilt, and empathy. The audience is deeply engaged with the character's emotional journey and struggles.

Dialogue: 8.2

While minimal dialogue is present in the scene, the impactful moments are conveyed through actions and visuals. The silence and tension enhance the emotional impact of Thomas's past revelation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of emotional depth, suspenseful mystery, and relatable character dynamics. The audience is drawn into Thomas's journey and the unfolding investigation.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, balancing moments of reflection with high-stakes action. The rhythmic flow enhances the scene's impact and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, with distinct scene headings and action descriptions. It aligns with the standard screenplay format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure that effectively transitions between past and present, building suspense and emotional impact. It adheres to the expected format for a dramatic thriller genre.


Critique
  • The flashback effectively serves as a pivotal moment to reveal Thomas's traumatic backstory, providing crucial insight into his motivations and emotional depth, which is essential for audience empathy. However, its placement at the end of Act One might feel somewhat abrupt if the audience hasn't been sufficiently primed with hints about Thomas's past in earlier scenes, potentially making the revelation less impactful or earned. This could leave some viewers confused or disconnected if the buildup is lacking, as the shift from the police station's daily grind to this intense personal memory needs stronger foreshadowing to feel organic.
  • The visual and action elements are well-described, creating a stark contrast between the carefree fun of the state fair and the sudden horror of violence, which heightens the emotional stakes and underscores themes of innocence lost. That said, the scene relies heavily on familiar tropes of childhood trauma (e.g., a fun outing turning deadly), which might come across as clichéd if not uniquely tailored to Thomas's character. The shooting game sequence, while showing Thomas's skill, could be more integrated to symbolize his future role as a law enforcement officer, but as it stands, it feels somewhat disconnected from the larger narrative arc.
  • Dialogue is minimal, with only Richie's aggressive line providing character insight, which keeps the focus on visual storytelling—a strength in screenwriting for maintaining pace in a flashback. However, this sparsity might limit the opportunity to deepen the brotherly relationship or add layers to Richie's personality, making his death feel more like a plot device than a profound loss. Expanding slightly on their interactions could make the tragedy more resonant, helping the audience grieve alongside Thomas in the present-day cutback.
  • The transition back to the present and the end of Act One effectively links Thomas's past trauma to his current workload, evoking a sense of familiarity and ongoing psychological burden, which ties into the script's themes of unresolved crime and personal vendetta. Nonetheless, the scene could benefit from more nuanced emotional beats in the present to show how the flashback affects Thomas immediately—such as a physical reaction or a subtle change in demeanor—enhancing the audience's understanding of his internal conflict without overexplaining.
  • Overall, as a capstone to Act One, the scene successfully escalates tension and sets up Thomas's arc for Act Two, but it might underutilize the potential for sensory details or symbolic elements to make the memory more vivid and immersive. For instance, the hooded man's brief appearance adds mystery, but without further context, it could confuse viewers or seem like an unresolved thread, especially if it's intended to connect to broader plot elements later in the story.
Suggestions
  • Add subtle foreshadowing in earlier scenes, such as Thomas glancing at an old photo or mentioning his brother in passing, to make the flashback feel more earned and integrated into the narrative flow.
  • Enhance the visual contrast by incorporating specific sensory details, like the sounds of carnival music fading into silence or the bright lights dimming during the gunshot, to heighten emotional impact and make the scene more cinematic.
  • Incorporate a brief line of dialogue or internal monologue during the fair sequence to establish the brothers' relationship more clearly, such as Thomas expressing admiration for Richie, which would make the loss more heartbreaking and personal.
  • In the cutback to the present, include a physical or emotional reaction from Thomas, like him clutching a photo or taking a deep breath, to bridge the flashback to his current state and reinforce the theme of enduring trauma.
  • Consider expanding the hooded man's role slightly—perhaps with a lingering shot or a detail that hints at his identity—to build intrigue and ensure it doesn't feel like an extraneous element, or clarify its purpose if it's meant to be ambiguous for later reveals.



Scene 14 -  A Shift in Perspective
INT. DEE DEE'S DRUGSTORE - LATER
DEBORAH (40's) is behind the register counter. She worries as
she impatiently waits for RUTH.
RUTH walks into the store with her uniform. DEBORAH sighs
with relief when she sees RUTH.
DEBORAH
Thank you so much for covering. I
have to go!
RUTH
What happened?
DEBORAH
My mother is scared stiff! She
lives in Houston right next to the
college- where those two dead kids
went to.
RUTH
Really? Why is she scared? Did she
see something?
DEBORAH
God no! If my mother saw anything
like that- I'll be on my way to her
funeral! That scared old bat is
scared of anything and everything!
I was on the phone with her for
over 3 hours! You know how moms
are!
RUTH
I never met my mother actually. She
died. Very young.
DEBORAH
Oh my god. I’m so sorry! How did I
not know that.
(beat)
I mean. You don’t really talk to me
or to anyone. So I guess, I
wouldn’t have known that. ANYWAY!
She's all shook up because about
ten years ago my mother lived in
Los Angeles and something like this
happened over there. Can you
imagine-

As DEBORAH starts blabbering off. RUTH starts reminiscing.
CUT TO:
"A Child's Guide to Good and Evil by The West Coast Pop Art
Experimental Band" plays.
TITLE FILLS THE SCREEN:
LOS ANGELES, 10 YEARS AGO - MONTAGE/FLASHBACK
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In the first scene of Act Two, set in Dee Dee's Drugstore, Deborah anxiously awaits Ruth's arrival to cover her shift so she can attend to her frightened mother in Houston. Their conversation reveals Deborah's overprotective nature towards her mother and a surprising personal detail from Ruth about never knowing her own mother. This moment of vulnerability is quickly overshadowed by Deborah's tendency to deflect serious topics, leading to a humorous yet awkward exchange. The scene transitions into a flashback montage titled 'Los Angeles, 10 Years Ago,' highlighting Ruth's reminiscence.
Strengths
  • Effective blending of past and present narratives
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Well-developed characters
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise
  • Limited external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively blends past and present narratives, creating a rich tapestry of emotions and setting up intriguing connections between characters and events.


Story Content

Concept: 8.3

The concept of exploring Ruth's past trauma through a flashback while she deals with present-day challenges is compelling. It adds depth to her character and enriches the overall narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in this scene is significant as it delves into Ruth's backstory, revealing key events that shape her character and motivations.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on maternal relationships and coping with fear, offering a mix of humor and vulnerability. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, contributing to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters, especially Ruth and Deborah, are well-developed in this scene. Ruth's internal struggles and Deborah's concern for her mother add layers to their personalities.

Character Changes: 8

Ruth undergoes significant emotional turmoil as she reflects on her past, leading to a deeper understanding of her character and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Deborah's internal goal is to express her worry and seek understanding from Ruth regarding her mother's fear. This reflects Deborah's need for reassurance and empathy in a moment of distress.

External Goal: 6

Deborah's external goal is to leave work to attend to her scared mother. It reflects the immediate challenge of balancing personal and professional responsibilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7.8

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on Ruth's past traumas and how they affect her present choices.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with Deborah's internal conflict and Ruth's contrasting perspective providing a subtle tension that keeps the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high on an emotional level as Ruth grapples with her past traumas and present challenges, highlighting the internal struggles she faces.

Story Forward: 8

The scene provides essential background information that enriches the overall narrative and sets up future developments in Ruth's character arc.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its emotional shifts and character revelations, adding depth and intrigue to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict lies in the contrasting views on fear and coping mechanisms between Deborah and Ruth. Deborah's mother's irrational fear contrasts with Ruth's more stoic approach, challenging Deborah's perception of maternal behavior and emotional responses.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.7

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly through Ruth's reminiscing about her deceased mother and the traumatic events from her past.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotional depth of the scene. It reveals important information about the characters' backgrounds and motivations.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging due to the blend of humor, drama, and character revelations, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding dynamics and emotional layers.

Pacing: 8

The pacing effectively balances dialogue-driven moments with introspective beats, creating a rhythm that enhances the scene's emotional impact and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting, enhancing readability and clarity.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup of character dynamics, conflict development, and a transition to a flashback, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • This scene effectively serves as the opening to Act Two by transitioning from the reflective end of Act One, where Thomas is haunted by his past, to Ruth's storyline, maintaining the script's dual focus on the killer and the investigators. It uses everyday dialogue to reveal key backstory about Ruth—specifically her mother's death— which deepens her character and ties into the overarching themes of trauma, isolation, and violence. However, the revelation feels somewhat abrupt and forced, as it arises from a casual conversation about Deborah's mother, potentially undermining the emotional weight by making it seem like convenient exposition rather than a organic character moment. This could confuse readers or viewers who expect more buildup to such a personal disclosure, especially given Ruth's established reserved nature.
  • Deborah's character is utilized primarily as a device to propel the plot forward and trigger the flashback, which is a common screenwriting technique but risks making her feel one-dimensional. Her rapid-fire, rambling dialogue effectively conveys her anxiety and personality, adding some humor and contrast to Ruth's stoicism, but it lacks depth or stakes beyond serving the narrative. This might alienate audiences if Deborah comes across as overly stereotypical or if her role doesn't evolve, reducing the scene's potential for meaningful character interaction and making the exchange feel more functional than engaging.
  • The transition to the flashback is handled cinematically with the song 'A Child's Guide to Good and Evil' and a title card, which enhances the mood and foreshadows Ruth's violent history. However, the cut feels somewhat abrupt, as Ruth's reminiscence is triggered by Deborah's blabbering without sufficient internal or visual cues to build tension or empathy. This could disrupt the pacing, especially since the scene starts slowly with mundane dialogue, and might not fully capitalize on the opportunity to heighten suspense at the beginning of Act Two, where escalating conflict is crucial to maintain audience interest.
  • Thematically, the scene connects the recent murders (discussed via Deborah's mother) to Ruth's past actions in Los Angeles, effectively weaving the plot threads and building foreshadowing for the flashback in Scene 15. This strengthens the script's coherence, but the tone shift from light-hearted banter to darker introspection could be smoother. Ruth's silence and eventual drift into memory highlight her psychological complexity, but without more subtle indicators of her instability—such as facial expressions, body language, or auditory hallucinations—it might not fully convey her internal turmoil, making her character less accessible to viewers who are still piecing together her motivations.
  • Overall, the scene's structure and dialogue advance the story efficiently, marking a pivot point after Act One's focus on Thomas. However, it relies heavily on exposition through conversation, which can feel tell-heavy rather than show-heavy, potentially weakening the visual storytelling. The end of the scene sets up the montage flashback well, but it could benefit from stronger emotional beats to make Ruth's reminiscence more poignant and to better integrate with the script's exploration of grief and vengeance, ensuring that the audience feels the weight of her past rather than just being informed of it.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to make Ruth's revelation about her mother more organic; for example, have Deborah's comment about 'moms' linger or prompt a natural pause, allowing Ruth to share her backstory in a way that feels prompted by emotion rather than convenience, which could add depth and make the moment more impactful.
  • Add visual or sensory details to build Ruth's internal state before the flashback, such as her zoning out mid-conversation, fidgeting with an object, or hearing faint echoes of past events, to create a smoother transition and heighten tension, making the audience more invested in her psychological journey.
  • Develop Deborah's character slightly by giving her a personal connection to the murders or Ruth, such as sharing a brief anecdote that humanizes her, to make her less of a plot device and more of a fully realized character, enhancing the scene's realism and emotional resonance.
  • Tighten the pacing by shortening Deborah's rambling exposition about Los Angeles; condense it to focus on key triggers for Ruth's reminiscence, allowing more screen time for Ruth's reactions and building suspense more effectively as the start of Act Two.
  • Incorporate subtle foreshadowing elements, like a background news report or a visual cue related to the ongoing investigation, to bridge the gap between Ruth's and Thomas's storylines, reinforcing the script's interconnected themes and maintaining momentum from the end of Act One.



Scene 15 -  Ruth's Reign of Terror
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
A BUSINESSMAN is thrown to the ground terrified, he screams
as RUTH stands above him wielding a knife.
INT. CAR - NIGHT
RUTH sits in the backseat of a parked car strangling an OLD
MAN in the driver's seat with a guitar string. The engine
still on. His feet stepping on the gas.
EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT
A WAITRESS in her twenties run through an alley screaming for
her life. As she reaches the other side- RUTH appears around
the corner.
INT. HOUSE - NIGHT
A couple is sitting on the couch watching a scary movie while
eating popcorn. RUTH appears from the shadows behind them,
wielding a knife.
EXT. REST STOP - DAY
RUTH holds the revolver in her hand as she exits the public
bathroom with the sound of the toilet overflowing and a set
of feet blocking the door.
INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
A MAN in the bathtub, fully clothed lays dead with blood
smeared all over. RUTH out of breath places the hammer on the
floor, smoking a cigarette.

END OF MONTAGE -
END OF
FLASHBACK:
BACK TO:
Genres: ["Thriller","Horror","Crime"]

Summary In a chilling montage flashback set 10 years ago in Los Angeles, RUTH is depicted committing a series of violent acts against unsuspecting victims. The scene opens with her attacking a BUSINESSMAN at night, followed by her strangling an OLD MAN in a car. The terror escalates as a WAITRESS is chased through an alley, and RUTH emerges from the shadows to confront a couple watching a movie. The montage continues with RUTH exiting a public restroom with a revolver, hinting at another victim inside. It culminates in a bathroom where a MAN lies dead in a bathtub, and RUTH, out of breath, places a hammer down and smokes a cigarette, marking the end of her brutal spree.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Complex characters
  • Suspenseful storytelling
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Disturbing content

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively establishes a dark and intense tone through its chilling content and suspenseful sequences, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of intertwining past traumas with present actions adds depth to Ruth's character and creates a compelling narrative that delves into her dark psyche.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping and intense, focusing on Ruth's disturbing actions and past traumas, driving the narrative forward with suspense and intrigue.

Originality: 9

The scene exhibits a high level of originality through its unconventional approach to depicting violence and power dynamics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative, making it stand out.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Ruth, are well-developed and complex, showcasing layers of darkness and psychological depth that add to the scene's intensity.

Character Changes: 9

Ruth undergoes subtle but significant changes as her past traumas resurface, leading to a deeper exploration of her character and psyche.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is likely driven by a deep-seated need for control or power, as evidenced by her violent actions and the sense of dominance she exerts over others. This reflects her inner desires for agency and perhaps a twisted sense of fulfillment through fear and intimidation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene appears to be to instill fear and assert dominance over those she encounters. Her actions reflect a need to maintain control and power in her surroundings, possibly driven by past experiences or a desire for revenge.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, driving the tension and suspense as Ruth grapples with her past traumas and present actions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ruth facing obstacles and challenges that test her abilities and push her to her limits. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the scene's intensity.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are evident as Ruth grapples with her dark past and engages in violent actions, risking exposure and further psychological turmoil.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial aspects of Ruth's character and past, setting the stage for further developments and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions of the protagonist and the constant threat of danger lurking in every location. The audience is kept guessing about Ruth's next move, creating a sense of suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene revolves around the clash between morality and violence. Ruth's actions challenge societal norms and ethical boundaries, highlighting a stark contrast between her beliefs and the accepted values of society.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, tension, and unease, immersing the audience in Ruth's dark and disturbing world.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is minimal but impactful, conveying tension and emotion effectively in key moments, enhancing the scene's dark and suspenseful atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, and the sense of unpredictability that keeps the audience on edge. The rapid pace and escalating tension draw viewers into the characters' dangerous world.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of fast-paced action sequences and slower moments that build tension. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness in conveying the escalating danger and suspense.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, utilizing concise descriptions and clear scene headings to maintain a fast-paced and intense narrative flow.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, following a non-linear format that keeps the audience engaged. The transitions between locations enhance the sense of urgency and danger.


Critique
  • The montage flashback in scene 15 effectively condenses Ruth's violent history into a visually dynamic sequence, showcasing her as a remorseless killer through a series of brutal acts. This approach builds on the psychological thriller elements established earlier in the script, particularly Ruth's trance-like states and her connection to past traumas, helping the audience understand her character's depth and the roots of her current instability. However, the rapid succession of murders risks feeling gratuitous and disconnected from emotional stakes, potentially alienating viewers if the violence overshadows character development or thematic exploration, such as her inherited cycle of violence from her father.
  • While the varied settings and methods of killing (e.g., knife, guitar string, revolver, hammer) add visual interest and highlight Ruth's adaptability and escalation in her crimes, the scene lacks introspection or internal conflict. This makes it challenging for the audience to empathize with or understand Ruth's motivations beyond surface-level sadism, especially since the montage doesn't delve into her emotional state during these acts. In contrast to earlier scenes that use flashbacks to reveal personal trauma and relationships, this sequence feels more like a checklist of horrors, which could undermine the script's goal of portraying Ruth as a complex anti-heroine rather than a one-dimensional villain.
  • The transition into and out of the flashback is smoothly handled, triggered by Deborah's mention of a Los Angeles event in the previous scene, which maintains narrative flow and reinforces Ruth's tendency to drift into reminiscences. However, the montage's abrupt end and return to the present in scene 16 might not fully capitalize on this setup, as it doesn't explicitly show how this memory affects Ruth's immediate actions or mindset, potentially missing an opportunity to deepen the audience's understanding of her psychological triggers and how they influence her behavior in the ongoing story.
  • Pacing-wise, the montage is concise and fits within the thriller genre's need for tension, but its brevity could make the violence feel repetitive or desensitizing, especially in a script that already features multiple graphic scenes. This repetition might dilute the impact of Ruth's character arc, as it doesn't provide new insights into her evolution or the consequences of her actions, such as how these events shaped her decision to change her identity or her interactions in the present day.
  • Overall, while the scene successfully escalates the stakes and reinforces the theme of inherited violence through Ruth's actions, it could better integrate with the script's exploration of mental health and family legacy by incorporating more symbolic or metaphorical elements. For instance, the choice of weapons and victims could parallel Ruth's personal history (e.g., the guitar string evoking a musical memory from her past), but as it stands, the montage serves more as exposition than as a transformative moment, which might not fully engage readers or viewers on an emotional level.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate brief moments of Ruth's internal thoughts or facial expressions during the montage to add emotional layers, such as a quick shot of her crying or hesitating, to humanize her and connect the violence to her psychological struggles, making the sequence more than just a series of kills.
  • Vary the pacing and style within the montage; for example, slow down one or two kills to build suspense and reveal more about Ruth's method or mindset, while keeping others fast-paced, to avoid monotony and increase dramatic tension.
  • Strengthen the link between the flashback and the present by ending the montage with an image or sound that directly ties to Ruth's current situation in scene 16, such as a visual echo of her daze in the drugstore, to make the transition feel more organic and impactful.
  • Reduce the graphic intensity if possible, or use it selectively to advance the plot or character development; for instance, focus on one or two key kills with more detail and cut others shorter, ensuring the violence serves the story's themes rather than overwhelming the audience.
  • Add subtle foreshadowing or symbolic elements that connect to future events, like referencing Ruth's use of everyday objects as weapons to hint at her resourcefulness in later scenes, enhancing the montage's role in the overall narrative arc.



Scene 16 -  A Moment of Unease
INT. DRUGSTORE - DAY
DEBORAH
Dillon?
RUTH
Huh?
RUTH quickly snaps out of it.
DEBORAH
Where do you go?
RUTH
What do you mean?
DEBORAH
You do that a lot. You drift off to
god knows where. My mother always
tells me- that's a sign of the
devil at play! Be careful Ruth, you
gotta be in the present- not
floating off to god knows where.
RUTH
(Passive)
Your mother seems like a wise
woman... You better get going
before god knows what.
DEBORAH
(Uncomfortable)
Okay... I owe you one.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a drugstore during the day, Deborah mistakenly calls Ruth 'Dillon,' snapping Ruth out of her daze. Concerned, Deborah questions Ruth about her frequent drifting off, suggesting it may be due to a sinister influence as warned by her mother. Ruth passively acknowledges Deborah's mother's wisdom and subtly prompts her to leave, creating an uncomfortable tension. The scene ends with Deborah expressing discomfort and mentioning she owes Ruth a favor, leading to a cut to the next part.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Character depth
  • Mystery elements
Weaknesses
  • Limited character interaction
  • Lack of overt conflict escalation

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and sets a foreboding tone through Ruth's detached behavior and Deborah's unease. It hints at deeper layers within Ruth's character, adding complexity to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Ruth's enigmatic character and the subtle hints at a darker presence within her are intriguing. The scene effectively introduces elements of mystery and suspense, engaging the audience with the character dynamics.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses by deepening the audience's understanding of Ruth's character and hinting at underlying conflicts. It sets up intriguing questions about Ruth's past and motivations, driving curiosity and investment in the narrative.

Originality: 7.5

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of superstition versus rationality through the characters' interactions. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters' dynamics.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The scene focuses on Ruth and Deborah, highlighting their contrasting personalities and adding depth to Ruth's character. Ruth's mysterious demeanor and Deborah's unease create a compelling dynamic that enhances the scene.

Character Changes: 8

While there are subtle hints at character development, particularly in Ruth's mysterious behavior, the scene focuses more on establishing the characters' dynamics and setting up future revelations.

Internal Goal: 8

Ruth's internal goal is to maintain her composure and not reveal her true feelings or thoughts, even when confronted by Deborah's unsettling comments. This reflects Ruth's desire to keep her emotions hidden and maintain a facade of indifference.

External Goal: 7

Ruth's external goal is to avoid confrontation and awkward situations, as seen in her passive responses to Deborah's comments. She wants to end the interaction smoothly and without conflict.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7.5

The conflict in the scene is subtle but palpable, primarily stemming from the tension between Ruth and Deborah. Ruth's enigmatic nature and Deborah's unease create a sense of underlying conflict that adds depth to the interaction.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong due to the conflicting beliefs and values of the characters. Ruth and Deborah's differing perspectives create a sense of friction and uncertainty, adding depth to the interaction.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes in the scene are more psychological and emotional, revolving around Ruth's enigmatic nature and the hints at darker elements within her. While not overtly high, the stakes add depth to the character dynamics.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the audience's understanding of Ruth's character and hinting at past traumas. It sets up intriguing questions and adds layers to the narrative, driving curiosity and investment.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the subtle shifts in power dynamics and the unresolved tension between the characters. The audience is left unsure of how the interaction will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of superstition and rationality. Deborah represents superstition and warns Ruth about drifting off, while Ruth remains rational and dismisses the notion. This challenges Ruth's beliefs and values, highlighting the clash between logic and superstition.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of unease and foreboding, particularly through Ruth's detached demeanor and Deborah's warnings. It creates an emotional connection with the characters and hints at deeper emotional layers within Ruth.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys tension and unease, particularly through Ruth's detached responses and Deborah's warnings. It adds layers to the characters and hints at deeper conflicts, enhancing the scene's atmosphere.

Engagement: 8.5

This scene is engaging because of the underlying tension, mysterious atmosphere, and sharp dialogue. The conflict between the characters keeps the audience intrigued and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with pauses and silences enhancing the unease between the characters. The rhythm of the dialogue contributes to the scene's overall impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay scene, with clear character cues and dialogue sequences. It maintains a smooth flow and readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear character interactions and dialogue. It sets up tension and conflict effectively, leading to a compelling exchange between the characters.


Critique
  • The scene effectively highlights Ruth's dissociative tendencies, which are a key aspect of her character established in previous scenes, such as the flashback montage in scene 15. This moment of her snapping out of a daze reinforces her psychological instability and ties into the overarching theme of trauma and hallucination, making it understandable for the audience. However, the dialogue feels somewhat contrived and expository, with Deborah's line about the devil being a sign of evil coming across as clichéd and overly direct. This reduces the subtlety that could make Ruth's character more intriguing, as it tells rather than shows her internal conflict, potentially alienating viewers who might find it heavy-handed in the context of a thriller.
  • Ruth's passive response to Deborah's probing questions is consistent with her portrayal as reserved and detached, as noted in earlier scenes like scene 14. This helps build her character by showing how she masks her violent nature in everyday interactions, which is crucial for maintaining suspense. That said, the scene lacks depth in exploring Ruth's emotional state during this exchange. While it's clear she's drifting off due to the recent flashback, there's little visual or internal indication of her turmoil, making it harder for the audience to connect with her psyche. This could be an opportunity to delve deeper into her hallucinations or memories, but it's underutilized here, resulting in a moment that feels more transitional than transformative.
  • The interaction between Deborah and Ruth serves as a bridge back to the present after the intense flashback, providing a contrast between Ruth's violent past and her mundane daily life. This juxtaposition is effective in building tension, as it underscores the duality of her character. However, the scene's brevity and lack of action make it feel inconsequential to the overall narrative arc. It doesn't advance the plot significantly—Ruth's drifting off is reiterated but not explored in a way that propels the story forward, such as hinting at immediate consequences or escalating her instability. This could leave readers or viewers feeling that the scene is filler, especially in a screenplay with 46 scenes where pacing is critical.
  • Deborah's character is used here primarily as a catalyst to prompt Ruth's response, which is a common screenwriting technique, but it risks making her feel one-dimensional. Her discomfort and quick exit after Ruth's subtle urging to leave are handled well, showing interpersonal dynamics, but there's no deeper insight into why Deborah is in Ruth's life or how this relationship might evolve. This lack of character development for secondary figures can make the scene feel isolated, reducing the emotional stakes and missing a chance to use Deborah as a mirror to reflect Ruth's isolation or to foreshadow future events, such as Ruth's potential unraveling.
  • The tone of the scene shifts awkwardly from concern to discomfort, which mirrors the unease in Ruth and Deborah's relationship but doesn't fully capitalize on the horror-thriller elements established earlier. The dialogue, while functional, doesn't build suspense effectively; for instance, Deborah's warning about the devil could be more ominous if tied to subtle visual cues, like Ruth's facial expression or a background element that echoes her hallucinations. Overall, while the scene successfully re-grounds the audience in the present, it could better integrate with the script's themes of violence and mental illness by adding layers of subtext or foreshadowing, making it more engaging and less reliant on straightforward exposition.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the dialogue with more subtext to make it less expository; for example, have Deborah's comment about the devil be more ambiguous or tied to a personal anecdote, allowing Ruth's response to reveal her inner conflict without stating it outright, which would add depth and intrigue.
  • Incorporate visual elements to show Ruth's dissociation more dynamically, such as a brief cutaway to a hazy memory or a close-up of her eyes glazing over, to better connect this scene to the previous flashback and emphasize her psychological state without relying solely on dialogue.
  • Extend the scene slightly to include a small action or detail that advances the plot, like Ruth noticing something in the store that reminds her of her violent past or Deborah mentioning a news report about the murders, which could heighten tension and make the scene feel more integral to the narrative.
  • Develop Deborah's character by adding a line or two that reveals her own vulnerabilities or reasons for being talkative, making her interaction with Ruth more nuanced and providing contrast that highlights Ruth's isolation, potentially setting up future conflicts or alliances.
  • Use the name confusion ('Dillon' vs. Ruth) as a catalyst for deeper exploration of Ruth's false identity; for instance, have Ruth correct Deborah in a way that reveals her anxiety about being discovered, adding foreshadowing to her eventual downfall and increasing the scene's dramatic weight.



Scene 17 -  Trance in the Drugstore
INT. DRUGSTORE - LATER
RUTH stands behind the register flipping through a magazine.
With a pen in her hand, she circles various women and men in
the magazine.
The radio is tuned to the news.

NEWSCASTER (V.O.)
A man seriously injured, after his
automobile flipped over on
Interstate 35. Claiming an elderly
woman was driving on the wrong side
of the road.
RUTH reflects.
A BLONDE WOMAN walks up the counter, but RUTH doesn't notice
as she listens to the radio.
As the news cast ends. ‘Mr Tamborine Man’ by ‘The Byrds’
plays on the radio.
The BLONDE WOMAN waves her hand trying to get RUTH's
attention. RUTH falls into a trance.
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK 1965 RENO
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a drugstore, Ruth is preoccupied with a magazine and the radio, which reports a serious car accident. As she reflects on the news, a blonde woman tries to get her attention but is ignored. Ruth falls into a trance, leading to a cutaway flashback to 1965 Reno, highlighting her disconnection from the present.
Strengths
  • Building suspense
  • Creating tension
  • Character depth
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue
  • Minimal external action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-crafted in terms of building suspense and maintaining a dark, intense tone. It effectively captures the audience's attention and creates a sense of unease through Ruth's trance-like state and the radio news report, setting the stage for further developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of Ruth falling into a trance while working at the drugstore adds depth to her character and sets the stage for further exploration of her psyche. It introduces a mysterious element that intrigues the audience.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced through Ruth's behavior and the external stimuli she encounters, hinting at deeper layers of her character and the potential conflicts to come. The scene sets up important elements for future developments.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring memory and trauma within a seemingly ordinary setting. The use of radio news and a song as triggers for introspection adds authenticity to the characters' actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

Ruth's character is central to the scene, with her trance-like state and reflective behavior adding complexity to her persona. The scene hints at inner turmoil and past experiences that shape her current actions.

Character Changes: 8

Ruth undergoes a subtle change in the scene as she falls into a trance, hinting at deeper emotional shifts and unresolved issues from her past. The scene sets the stage for potential character development and revelations.

Internal Goal: 8

Ruth's internal goal is to confront or process a past event or memory triggered by the news report and the song on the radio. This reflects her unresolved emotions, trauma, or guilt from the past.

External Goal: 7

Ruth's external goal is to engage with the blonde woman at the counter, but she is distracted by her internal turmoil triggered by the news and the song on the radio.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The scene maintains a high level of conflict through Ruth's internal struggles and the external stimuli she encounters. The tension is palpable, setting the stage for potential confrontations and revelations.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with Ruth facing internal obstacles that hinder her external interactions. The uncertainty of her trance-like state and past memories creates a subtle but compelling opposition.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as Ruth's trance-like state and the external stimuli she encounters hint at potential dangers and conflicts to come. The scene sets up a sense of urgency and mystery, raising the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key elements related to Ruth's character and past experiences. It sets up important plot points and hints at future developments, driving the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable because it subverts expectations of a typical interaction at a drugstore, focusing instead on internal turmoil and unresolved past events. The audience is kept intrigued by Ruth's complex reactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7.5

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of memory, perception, and reality. Ruth's internal struggle with her past and the present reality presented in the news report create a tension between personal truth and external events.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience through its suspenseful and intense atmosphere. Ruth's trance and the radio news report create a sense of unease and anticipation, heightening the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but serves its purpose in conveying the necessary information and enhancing the atmosphere. It effectively complements the visual elements and actions of the characters.

Engagement: 8.5

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of mystery and emotional depth through subtle cues and character introspection. The audience is drawn into Ruth's internal journey and the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, allowing moments of reflection and action to coexist harmoniously. The rhythm enhances the emotional impact of Ruth's internal journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, utilizing visual cues and transitions to guide the reader through the scene's shifts in time and focus.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure with the flashback, effectively blending past and present to deepen the protagonist's internal conflict. The formatting enhances the atmospheric tone of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses the radio news to create a sense of continuity with earlier events in the script, such as the car accident referenced in Scene 2 or 3, which helps build a cohesive narrative world and reinforces Ruth's character as someone haunted by her past actions. This auditory element adds depth to the atmosphere, subtly reminding the audience of Ruth's involvement in chaotic events without explicit exposition, which is a strength in screenwriting for maintaining tension through indirect storytelling. However, the scene feels somewhat static and lacks visual or emotional dynamism, with Ruth primarily engaged in a repetitive action (flipping through a magazine and circling images), which may not hold the audience's attention in a medium that relies heavily on visual engagement. This passivity could make the scene drag, especially in a thriller context where pacing is crucial, and it risks underutilizing the opportunity to delve deeper into Ruth's psyche or advance the plot.
  • Ruth's action of circling images in the magazine is intriguing as it hints at her predatory nature or dissociative tendencies, potentially symbolizing her selection of future victims or reflecting her fragmented mental state. This could be a powerful visual motif tying into the script's themes of violence and trauma, but it's not fully explored here, leaving it ambiguous and underdeveloped. As a result, the audience might not fully grasp the significance without more context, which could weaken character development and make Ruth's motivations feel opaque. Additionally, the transition into her trance state feels abrupt and repetitive, as this is a recurring device in the script (seen in multiple scenes), which might desensitize the audience to its impact over time if not varied or justified more strongly within the scene.
  • The interaction with the blonde woman introduces a minor conflict—her attempt to get Ruth's attention—but it's quickly sidelined and unresolved, serving more as a setup for Ruth's trance than as a meaningful exchange. This lack of payoff diminishes the scene's tension and misses an opportunity to heighten stakes or reveal more about Ruth's character through contrast (e.g., her indifference to a customer while fixated on her own thoughts). Furthermore, the cut to the flashback at the end feels formulaic, relying on Ruth's trance as a crutch for transitioning between timelines, which could make the narrative structure predictable. While this scene acts as a bridge to explore Ruth's backstory, it doesn't stand strongly on its own, potentially making it feel like filler rather than a pivotal moment in Act Two.
  • In terms of tone, the scene maintains the script's overarching sense of unease and psychological horror, with elements like the news report and the shift to music ('Mr. Tambourine Man') adding a layer of irony or foreboding. However, the execution could benefit from more sensory details or subtle visual cues to enhance immersion, such as describing Ruth's facial expressions or the magazine's content more vividly, to better convey her internal conflict. Overall, while the scene serves its purpose in the larger narrative by linking past and present and building toward a flashback, it could be more engaging and thematically rich by addressing these shortcomings, helping both the writer refine their craft and the reader (or viewer) connect more deeply with the story.
Suggestions
  • Add more dynamic actions or internal monologue to Ruth's magazine-flipping sequence to make it more engaging; for example, have her mutter under her breath about the people she's circling or show flashbacks in quick cuts to make the action less static and more revealing of her mindset.
  • Enhance the interaction with the blonde woman by extending it slightly to build tension—perhaps have her become more insistent or frustrated, allowing Ruth's trance to be triggered by this external pressure, which would create a smoother transition and add conflict to the scene.
  • Vary the trance mechanism to avoid repetition; instead of a sudden fall into a trance, build it gradually with sensory cues like the music swelling or Ruth's vision blurring, making the flashback feel more organic and less predictable.
  • Clarify the symbolism of circling images in the magazine by integrating it with the radio news—e.g., have the news report describe a victim that resembles one of the circled images, strengthening the connection to Ruth's violent tendencies and improving thematic coherence.
  • Consider tightening the scene's pacing by reducing repetitive descriptions and focusing on key visual or auditory elements that propel the story forward, ensuring it serves as a strong bridge to the flashback without feeling like filler in the overall script.



Scene 18 -  Lessons in the Night
INT. IMPALA - NIGHT
17-year-old Ruth is with her father in the impala outside of
a bar with the radio on.
RUTH
I don’t understand why I can’t go
back to school.
ED
You don’t need school. You’ve got
me to teach you about life. The
real world.
RUTH turns to the backseat. Blankets, suitcases and plastic
bags liters the seats.
RUTH
But you’re not teaching me math. Or
Science. My teachers said learning
is important.
ED
(frustrated)
You’re not gonna need that shit in
life! All you got in life that
matters is instinct. We’re animals.
Living in the animal kingdom. You
want a lesson little girl?
(MORE)

ED (CONT’D)
You don’t become the apex by
learning math.
Women laughing echoes in the background. It catches ED’s
attention.
Working girls turns the corner of the bar as patrons enters.
ED (CONT’D)
Now look at them. Can you tell me
what animals they are?
Ruth takes a look.
RUTH
They look pretty. They’re probably
Giselles.
A man in a coat approaches the working girls’
ED
They’re wolves. Look at them. They
hunt in packs. Lock in their prey
and they strike.
One of the girls steps forward and flirts with the coat man.
ED (CONT’D)
The thing about wolves is they
coordinate their attacks. One
usually approaches strong while the
other flanks.
Another girl circles around and traces her finger behind the
man. The man gets excited and gets nervous. They use their
sexuality to seduce.
ED (CONT’D)
That guy. Ain't’ nothing more than
a rabbit. Look at him. Poor
bastard. See Ruth, it only takes
one wolf to take down a rabbit.
All of the girls begin to play around with the man. Touching
his hair, pulling on his coat.
ED (CONT’D)
Wolves hunt in packs to take down
large prey like Elk. So why the
hell are they going after this
rabbit?
RUTH
I don’t know.

RUTH notices one of the girls takes his wallet from his back
pocket while the others are flirting.
ED
They’re playing with their prey.
They’re cruel. You see? Humans are
nothing better than cruel fucking
animals. They will strike.
The man leaves the girls and goes in the bar.
ED (CONT’D)
They will eat you alive without
hesitation. I’m teaching you how to
hunt those fuckers down before they
get to you.
RUTH looks at ED in woe.
RUTH
I like animals. Some of them are
good. Like dogs and horses.
ED
They’re pets. They’re meant to be
in the kennel or stable. You’re not
a pet either Ruth. Don’t be
anyone’s pet! Your better off
dancing with the wolves.
END OF FLASHBACK
BACK TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a flashback to 1965 Reno, 17-year-old Ruth and her father Ed sit in their Impala outside a bar, where Ed imparts his cynical worldview. Ruth expresses her frustration about being denied formal education, but Ed dismisses her concerns, emphasizing the importance of street smarts over academics. He uses the scene outside the car, where working girls manipulate a man, to illustrate his harsh lessons on survival and human nature. Despite Ruth's mild resistance, Ed insists she must learn to 'dance with the wolves' to navigate a cruel world. The scene captures the tension between Ruth's innocence and Ed's domineering cynicism, ending with a transition back to the present.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Intriguing thematic depth
  • Effective tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion with the father's teachings

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-crafted with a strong focus on character dynamics and thematic depth. It effectively builds tension and sets up a dark atmosphere, engaging the audience with its intriguing dialogue and unsettling interactions.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of survival instincts and the comparison of humans to wolves is intriguing and adds depth to the characters. The scene effectively explores themes of cruelty and the darker aspects of human nature.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in this scene is crucial for establishing the characters' motivations and setting up future conflicts. It introduces key themes and relationships that will drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the theme of survival instincts and human nature, with a focus on the predatory aspects of society. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with complex motivations and dynamics. The father's ominous teachings and Ruth's conflicted reactions add depth to their relationship and hint at future conflicts.

Character Changes: 8

Ruth's character undergoes subtle changes as she grapples with her father's teachings and the darker aspects of human nature. This sets the stage for her internal conflict and growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Ruth's internal goal is to understand her father's unconventional teachings about life and survival. This reflects her deeper need for guidance and a sense of belonging, as well as her fear of being unprepared for the challenges ahead.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the complex dynamics of the world around her, as exemplified by her father's lessons on survival and manipulation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict between Ruth's desire for normalcy and her father's ominous teachings creates a sense of unease and sets up internal and external conflicts that will drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs and power dynamics creating a sense of uncertainty and tension. The audience is left wondering how the characters will navigate the challenges they face.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are subtly hinted at through the father's ominous teachings and Ruth's internal conflict. The scene sets up the potential dangers and challenges that the characters will face.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing key themes, character dynamics, and conflicts that will drive the narrative. It sets up future developments and hints at the challenges to come.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations about the characters' beliefs and actions. The shifting power dynamics and the sense of danger keep the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the contrasting beliefs about human nature and survival. Ruth sees the world through a more innocent and compassionate lens, while her father views it as a harsh, predatory environment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and fear to curiosity and unease. The complex relationship between Ruth and her father adds emotional depth to the narrative.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is impactful and reveals important aspects of the characters' personalities and beliefs. It effectively conveys tension and sets the tone for the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, conflicting beliefs, and the sense of danger and unpredictability. The interactions between the characters draw the audience in and create a compelling narrative.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged throughout. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's impact and contributes to its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and conveys the characters' conflicting beliefs. The dialogue and actions flow naturally, contributing to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • This scene effectively establishes Ed's manipulative and cynical worldview, serving as a key moment in Ruth's character development by illustrating how her father's toxic teachings shape her perception of the world. The animal kingdom analogy ties into the broader themes of the script, such as human cruelty and survival instincts, which are recurrent in Ruth's backstory and present-day actions. However, the dialogue feels somewhat heavy-handed and expository, with Ed's lines directly spelling out his philosophy in a way that might come across as didactic rather than natural conversation. This could alienate viewers if it feels too much like a lecture, reducing the emotional authenticity of the father-daughter dynamic.
  • The visual elements, such as the description of the working girls interacting with the man outside the bar, add a layer of cinematic interest and help to externalize Ed's lesson, making it more engaging than pure dialogue. It cleverly uses the environment to mirror the story's themes of predation and vulnerability, which aligns with Ruth's later violent behavior. That said, the scene could benefit from more subtle foreshadowing or symbolic depth; for instance, the 'wolves' analogy is a bit clichéd and might not stand out as original, potentially making the scene feel predictable to audiences familiar with similar tropes in crime or psychological thrillers.
  • Ruth's responses, like her innocent observation about the women being 'pretty' or her liking for 'good' animals like dogs and horses, humanize her and highlight her age and naivety, creating a contrast with Ed's harsh realism. This builds sympathy for Ruth and underscores the grooming aspect of their relationship, which is crucial for understanding her descent into violence. However, the scene's pacing might be too rushed in transitioning between dialogue and action, and Ruth's emotional state at the end—described as 'woebegone'—is told rather than shown, which could be more impactful if visualized through specific actions or facial expressions to deepen the audience's emotional connection.
  • In terms of integration with the larger script, this flashback is well-timed as it stems from Ruth's trance in the previous scene, maintaining narrative flow and reinforcing her psychological triggers. It provides essential backstory on why Ruth values instinct over formal education, linking to her present-day dissociation and violent tendencies. A potential weakness is that the scene doesn't advance the plot significantly beyond character exposition; it could be more dynamic by incorporating a small conflict or revelation that propels the story forward, rather than solely serving as a reflective pause.
  • Overall, the scene captures the unsettling mentor-student dynamic between Ed and Ruth, contributing to the script's exploration of inherited trauma and moral corruption. However, the language and metaphors used (e.g., 'dancing with the wolves') might feel overly simplistic or borrowed, which could dilute the scene's impact. Enhancing the sensory details, such as the sounds of the bar or the radio playing, could make the flashback more immersive and tie it closer to the present-day auditory cues in Scene 17, strengthening the thematic continuity.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more naturalistic and less expository; for example, have Ed use questions or anecdotes that draw Ruth into the conversation, allowing her responses to reveal his philosophy gradually rather than through direct statements, which would make the scene feel more organic and engaging.
  • Add more visual and sensory details to heighten the cinematic quality; describe the lighting from the bar signs casting shadows on Ruth's face or the muffled sounds of laughter and music from inside the bar to create a more vivid atmosphere, helping to immerse the audience and make the animal analogy feel more integrated into the environment.
  • Strengthen Ruth's emotional arc by showing her internal conflict more explicitly; for instance, include a close-up shot of her hands clenching or her eyes darting away during Ed's harsher lines, which would visually convey her discomfort and make the scene more emotionally resonant without relying on descriptive text.
  • Incorporate a subtle plot element or foreshadowing to make the flashback more purposeful; for example, have Ruth notice something in the backseat (like the blankets and suitcases) that hints at their nomadic lifestyle or past crimes, connecting it more directly to the present-day story and giving the scene added narrative weight.
  • Consider varying the pacing by adding a brief pause or reaction shot after key lines to build tension; this could involve cutting to Ruth's face during the 'wolves' demonstration or extending the moment when the man leaves, allowing the audience to absorb the lesson's implications and making the transition back to the present feel more impactful.



Scene 19 -  Tension at the Counter
INT. DRUGSTORE - CONTINUOUS
The BLONDE WOMAN starts ringing the bell on the counter.
After a few rings, RUTH snaps out of her trance and hears-
BLONDE WOMAN
Hello! Are you in there lady?
The BLONDE WOMAN frustrated and impatiently gives RUTH a
nasty look.
RUTH pays close attention to the BLONDE WOMAN
RUTH
How can I help you?

BLONDE WOMAN
I've been walking around this damn
store for like an hour and can't
find the bleach.
RUTH
The bleach is in aisle four, next
to the baby toys.
(Patronizing)
Is there anything else I can help
you with?
THE BLONDE WOMAN rolls her eyes and walks away.
BLONDE WOMAN
(under her breath)
Dumb-bitch!
RUTH’S blood boil. She clenches her fists. Imagining a knife
in her hand. She STABS her fist on the counter.
RUTH watches the blonde woman walk away and notices her
Mercedes key chain hanging off of her purse. RUTH looks
outside and sees a parked Red Mercedes.
RUTH gives a sinister look as she glances at her magazine.
RUTH sees a model in the magazine with BLONDE HAIR wearing a
fur coat. A thought enters her mind. “A wolf”
RUTH goes back to her magazine, not noticing that a line of
customers has formed at the register. The customers wait
impatiently for RUTH to notice.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a drugstore, Ruth is jolted from a trance by the impatient Blonde Woman, who has been searching for bleach. Their interaction is fraught with tension as Ruth responds patronizingly, provoking the Blonde Woman to mutter an insult. This escalates Ruth's internal anger, leading her to fantasize about violence while noticing the Blonde Woman's luxury car. As Ruth becomes increasingly absorbed in her dark thoughts, she remains oblivious to the growing line of frustrated customers waiting for service.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Character depth
  • Foreshadowing potential developments
Weaknesses
  • Limited interaction
  • Potential predictability

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through Ruth's reaction to the Blonde Woman's rudeness, hinting at a darker side of her character. The subtle hints at potential violence and Ruth's internal struggle add depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of exploring Ruth's darker thoughts and potential for violence adds depth to her character and the overall narrative. It introduces a compelling layer of complexity to her persona, setting up intriguing possibilities for future developments.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in this scene focuses on Ruth's internal struggle and hints at a shift in her character dynamics. It sets the stage for potential conflicts and developments, adding depth to the overarching storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on a common setting by delving into the psychological complexities of the protagonist. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and intrigue to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

Ruth's character is effectively portrayed through her reactions and internal thoughts in this scene. The hints at her darker side and inner turmoil enhance her complexity and set the stage for character growth.

Character Changes: 8

Ruth undergoes a subtle shift in this scene, hinting at a potential transformation towards a darker persona. Her reactions to the Blonde Woman's behavior suggest a deeper internal conflict and the possibility of significant character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Ruth's internal goal in this scene is to control her anger and impulses triggered by the rude behavior of the blonde woman. It reflects her deeper need for self-control, her fear of losing it, and her desire to maintain a facade of composure despite provocation.

External Goal: 7.5

Ruth's external goal is to assist the customers in the drugstore and maintain a professional demeanor. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with difficult customers and providing good service.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on Ruth's emotional turmoil and potential for darker actions. The tension between Ruth and the Blonde Woman adds a layer of external conflict, hinting at future confrontations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the conflict between Ruth's inner turmoil and the external challenges she faces creating a sense of unpredictability and tension.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes in the scene are primarily internal, focusing on Ruth's emotional state and potential for darker actions. The tension between Ruth and the Blonde Woman hints at escalating conflicts and consequences, raising the stakes for Ruth's character.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the exploration of Ruth's character and setting up potential conflicts and developments. It adds layers to the narrative and hints at future plot twists and revelations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable in its character dynamics and the protagonist's internal struggles, adding an element of suspense and uncertainty.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between Ruth's inner turmoil and the societal expectation of customer service. It challenges Ruth's values of self-restraint and professionalism against her impulses of anger and revenge.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a strong emotional response through Ruth's escalating emotions and inner turmoil. The sense of foreboding and unease creates a compelling emotional impact, drawing the audience into Ruth's internal conflict.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the tension between Ruth and the Blonde Woman, adding to the overall atmosphere of unease. Ruth's internal monologue and the lack of verbal exchange with the Blonde Woman enhance the scene's impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its suspenseful atmosphere, the conflict between characters, and the subtle hints at darker motives, keeping the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of emotions and actions that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected style for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a standard format for a character-driven interaction, building tension gradually and revealing layers of the protagonist's emotions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Ruth's ongoing dissociation and violent tendencies, building on the flashback from Scene 18 where her father Ed teaches her about 'dancing with the wolves.' This continuity strengthens character development by showing how Ruth's traumatic upbringing influences her present behavior, making her anger towards the blonde woman feel organic and tied to her psychological state. However, the transition from trance to interaction feels abrupt, potentially missing an opportunity to linger on Ruth's disorientation, which could deepen the audience's understanding of her mental instability and make the scene more immersive.
  • The dialogue and interactions highlight Ruth's patronizing tone and the blonde woman's frustration, which escalates tension well, but it comes across as somewhat stereotypical. The blonde woman's muttered insult ('Dumb-bitch') and Ruth's immediate rage might feel too on-the-nose, reducing the subtlety that could make Ruth's character more nuanced. As a critique for improvement, this scene could benefit from more layered dialogue that reveals Ruth's internal conflict without relying on explicit outbursts, helping readers and viewers better grasp the complexity of her psychopathy in relation to the script's themes of trauma and survival.
  • Visually, the moment where Ruth imagines stabbing her fist with a knife is a strong element of foreshadowing, effectively conveying her violent impulses through action rather than exposition. This aligns with the overall script's horror elements, as seen in the montage flashback of Scene 15, but it risks being overly graphic or repetitive if not balanced with subtler cues. A deeper critique is that the scene's ending, with Ruth obliviously returning to her magazine while customers wait, underscores her detachment but diffuses the built-up tension, potentially weakening the emotional impact and making the scene feel anticlimactic in the context of the story's escalating stakes.
  • In terms of pacing, the scene maintains a good rhythm by quickly moving from frustration to anger and then to a sinister thought, which mirrors Ruth's impulsive nature. However, it doesn't advance the plot significantly beyond character exposition, which could be a missed opportunity to integrate more external conflict or clues that tie into the police investigation (e.g., from Scenes 6 or 27). This might leave readers feeling that the scene is somewhat insular, focusing heavily on Ruth's internal world without sufficiently connecting to the broader narrative, thus reducing its effectiveness in a screenplay with multiple interwoven storylines.
  • Thematically, the scene reinforces the 'wolf' metaphor from the previous flashback, with Ruth labeling the blonde woman as a 'wolf' in her mind, which is a clever callback. Yet, this could be explored more deeply to show evolution in Ruth's character or contrast with her own predatory behavior, as hinted in earlier scenes. A key area for improvement is ensuring that such thematic elements don't feel forced; here, the sudden thought 'A wolf' might benefit from more buildup or contextual integration to avoid seeming like a contrived link, helping the audience better understand Ruth's distorted worldview without overt explanation.
Suggestions
  • To enhance Ruth's character depth, add subtle physical or sensory details during her trance snap-back, such as a brief close-up of her eyes refocusing or a sound cue like echoing radio static, to make the transition smoother and more immersive, drawing from the auditory elements in Scene 17.
  • Refine the dialogue to add subtext; for example, have Ruth's patronizing response include a hint of her own vulnerability, like a slight tremor in her voice, to better connect her anger to the 'wolf' lesson from Scene 18 and make her interactions feel less one-dimensional.
  • Extend the visual imagination of the knife stab by incorporating a quick cut or dissolve to a fleeting memory from her past (e.g., a flash of Ed's teaching), to strengthen thematic ties and increase suspense without lengthening the scene significantly.
  • Adjust the ending to heighten tension; instead of cutting directly to the line of customers, have Ruth notice them peripherally but choose to ignore them, emphasizing her detachment and building anticipation for her next action, which could foreshadow events in later scenes like Scene 24.
  • Incorporate a small plot advancement, such as Ruth circling a magazine image that resembles a victim from the montage in Scene 15, to better integrate this moment with the overall investigation arc, making the scene more purposeful and less isolated within the script's structure.



Scene 20 -  A Day at Hank's Hardware
EXT. HANKS HARDWARE STORE - DAY
RUTH parks her car outside of the store and walks in. A big
sign reading, "HANKS HARDWARE"
She looks over and sees a malnourished dog on the side of the
store.
RUTH notices everything. The dog, how many cars are in the
parking lot, she notices a cop car driving by.
RUTH puts on her sunglasses and turns away. Just like how
she’s trained.
CUT TO:

INT. HANKS HARDWARE STORE - DAY
RUTH pushes a cart, browsing through the aisles. "Old man by
Neil Young" plays in the intercom.
RUTH pockets Twinkies as she passes by an aisle of shovels.
She stops at one and examines it. She starts swinging the
shovel in the air, repeatedly. She looks at the price tag.
She tosses the shovel into the cart. Across the aisle, RUTH
sees a gas mask and walks towards it. Amused, she picks it up
and holds it up to the light.
An inquisitive baby sits in a shopping cart looking at RUTH.
RUTH looks back at the baby and smiles. The baby smiles back,
RUTH puts on the gas mask and makes a pose. The baby starts
crying.
An employee approaches RUTH, she takes off the mask.
EMPLOYEE
Hi, ma'am. Anything I can help you
with?
RUTH
No, I'm fine. Just picking up a few
things I need... Is this on sale?
EMPLOYEE
It's not. But we do have a discount
sale on all items camping related.
Are you going camping this summer?
RUTH
I'm going hunting.
CUT TO:
EXT. HANKS HARDWARE STORE
RUTH leaves the store and pulls out the Twinkie she pocketed.
Walks over to the dog, and feeds him the Twinkie.
RUTH
Good girl.
RUTH gently pets the dog but it growls.
RUTH (CONT’D)
I’m not hurting you. Its okay.

After a few pets, the dog begins to trust. AFTER a moment. A
police siren catches RUTH’S attention. She turns and the
police car drives off.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, Ruth parks outside Hank's Hardware Store and notices a malnourished dog before entering the store. Inside, she playfully interacts with items, pocketing Twinkies and trying on a gas mask, which causes a baby to cry. After a brief conversation with an employee about sales, she exits the store, feeds the dog, and gains its trust despite initial growling. The scene concludes with Ruth watching a police car drive away, hinting at underlying tension.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of Ruth's character
  • Building tension and mystery
  • Subtle storytelling approach
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Minimal external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through Ruth's behavior and the subtle hints at her darker side. It sets up a foreboding atmosphere and leaves the audience curious about Ruth's motivations.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of portraying Ruth as a complex and mysterious character is well-executed. The scene effectively introduces her observant nature and hints at a darker side, adding depth to her character.

Plot: 7.5

While the scene doesn't advance the main plot significantly, it serves as a crucial character-building moment for Ruth. It adds layers to her personality and sets the stage for future developments.

Originality: 7.5

The scene introduces familiar settings and actions but adds a layer of complexity through Ruth's internal conflict and the unexpected interactions with the dog and the baby. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

Ruth's character is intriguingly portrayed, with her observant and enigmatic qualities shining through. The scene effectively establishes her as a complex and multi-dimensional character.

Character Changes: 7

Ruth's character undergoes subtle development in the scene, revealing more about her observant nature and hinting at hidden depths. It sets the stage for potential growth and revelations.

Internal Goal: 8

Ruth's internal goal is to maintain a facade of normalcy and control despite her surroundings triggering her past training or instincts. This reflects her need for self-preservation and the fear of losing her composure or revealing her true self.

External Goal: 7.5

Ruth's external goal is to gather supplies for her upcoming hunting trip. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of preparing for a specific activity and hints at her adventurous nature.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is subtle, revolving around Ruth's internal motivations and the tension in her interactions. It hints at deeper conflicts within her character.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with subtle challenges and unexpected reactions that keep the audience uncertain about Ruth's interactions and decisions, adding tension and intrigue.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene are more internal and psychological, focusing on Ruth's character and the potential dangers she may pose. It hints at higher stakes to come in the story.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene doesn't propel the main plot significantly, it enriches the character development of Ruth and sets the tone for future events. It adds depth to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it juxtaposes routine actions with unexpected reactions from the dog and the baby, adding layers of complexity and surprise to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict lies in Ruth's dual identity - the composed, everyday persona she presents to others and the more instinctual, protective side that emerges in her interactions with the dog. This challenges her beliefs about control and vulnerability.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and curiosity, creating an emotional impact through Ruth's mysterious behavior and the foreboding atmosphere. It leaves the audience intrigued about her character.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but serves its purpose in conveying Ruth's interactions with the dog and the employee. It adds to the overall atmosphere of tension and mystery.

Engagement: 8.5

This scene is engaging because it balances mundane activities with moments of tension and mystery, keeping the audience intrigued about Ruth's dual nature and the unfolding interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively balances slower moments of observation and interaction with quicker beats of action and dialogue, creating a dynamic rhythm that maintains viewer interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and dialogue formatting, enhancing readability and visual clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct beats and transitions, effectively guiding the viewer through Ruth's actions and interactions in the hardware store and outside.


Critique
  • This scene effectively portrays Ruth's character through a series of small, observational actions that reveal her paranoia, resourcefulness, and hidden compassion, making it a strong character study. For instance, her initial survey of the parking lot and reaction to the cop car demonstrate her 'trained behavior,' which ties back to her traumatic past and adds depth, helping viewers understand her constant vigilance without explicit exposition. However, the scene risks feeling disjointed due to its rapid cuts between actions—pocketing Twinkies, examining the shovel, interacting with the gas mask, and playing with the baby—which could dilute the tension if not paced carefully in editing. Additionally, while the dog interaction humanizes Ruth and contrasts her violent nature, it might come across as abrupt or sentimental, potentially undermining the scene's darker tone if not balanced with her more sinister aspects.
  • The dialogue in this scene is minimal and serves a functional purpose, such as the exchange with the employee, but it lacks depth and could be more revealing of Ruth's psyche. For example, when Ruth mentions she's 'going hunting,' it subtly foreshadows her killings, which is a clever touch, but the conversation feels generic and doesn't advance the plot or character development significantly. This could make the scene feel like filler, especially since Ruth's response to the employee's offer of help is polite and evasive, mirroring her interactions in previous scenes, but it doesn't escalate the conflict or add new layers to her character. Furthermore, the visual elements, like swinging the shovel and posing with the gas mask, are vivid and symbolic, but they might be too on-the-nose in representing her violent tendencies, potentially telegraphing her actions to the audience too early and reducing suspense.
  • In terms of thematic consistency, this scene reinforces the animalistic themes from earlier flashbacks (e.g., Ed teaching Ruth about 'wolves' and 'rabbits'), particularly through her compassion for the dog and her 'hunting' dialogue, which helps build a cohesive narrative. However, the scene's placement after a tense encounter with the blonde woman in Scene 19 could be leveraged more effectively to show carryover emotion—such as Ruth's simmering anger influencing her actions here—but it instead starts fresh, missing an opportunity for emotional continuity. The tone shifts abruptly from mundane shopping to moments of dark humor (e.g., the baby crying after the gas mask pose) and paranoia (reaction to the siren), which can be engaging but might confuse viewers if the transitions aren't smooth, as the scene doesn't fully capitalize on building suspense toward Ruth's inevitable escalation.
  • Overall, the scene's strengths lie in its subtle world-building and character revelation through actions rather than dialogue, aligning with good screenwriting principles of 'show, don't tell.' Ruth's theft of Twinkies and her gentle handling of the dog provide insight into her coping mechanisms and moral ambiguity, making her more relatable and complex. That said, the scene could benefit from tighter focus, as some elements (like the gas mask interaction) feel extraneous and don't directly contribute to the main conflict or story arc, potentially slowing the pace in a script that already has many similar introspective moments. This repetition across scenes might make Ruth's character feel static if not varied, and the abrupt end with the police siren could be more integrated to heighten the stakes rather than serving as a quick cutaway.
Suggestions
  • To improve pacing, consolidate some of Ruth's actions in the store—such as combining the shovel examination with the gas mask interaction—to reduce the number of cuts and maintain momentum, ensuring each action advances her character or foreshadows events more directly.
  • Enhance the dialogue with the employee by adding subtext that reveals more about Ruth's instability, such as having her respond to 'Are you going camping?' with a veiled reference to her past, like 'Something like that,' to make the conversation more tense and informative without overloading it.
  • Strengthen emotional continuity by carrying over Ruth's anger from Scene 19; for example, have her clench her fists while swinging the shovel, linking it visually to her earlier rage, to create a smoother transition and deepen character development.
  • Add more visual symbolism or internal conflict, such as Ruth hallucinating her father's voice during the dog interaction, to tie into the overarching themes and make the scene more dynamic and integral to the plot.
  • Consider trimming or recontextualizing less essential elements, like the gas mask pose with the baby, to avoid diluting the scene's tension—perhaps replace it with an action that directly relates to her killings, such as examining a weapon-like tool, to keep the focus sharp and engaging.



Scene 21 -  Confronting Injustice
EXT. HANKS HARDWARE STORE - MOMENTS LATER
RUTH walks to her car with her cart. She opens her trunk and
throws everything in.
BESIDES HER is a CAR. INSIDE a MAN AND A WOMAN is fighting in
the front seat.
She looks at the arguing couple. The ANGRY MAN SLAPS the
WOMAN. He exits his car. RUTH looks away but the man noticed.
ANGRY MAN
(To Ruth)
What the fuck are you looking at?
He storms into the store. RUTH glares at him. He turns to the
sad woman. She weeps in her car.
Ruth closes her trunk. She makes her way to the SAD WOMAN in
the car. THE WINDOW IS OPEN.
THE SAD WOMAN doesn't notice RUTH. The woman has a black eye,
a busted lip, and cigarette burns on her arms. RUTH notices
it all. She shows remorse.
RUTH
(To the Sad Woman)
Hey. Are you okay?
SAD WOMAN
(Caught off guard)
What?
RUTH
Are you okay?
SAD WOMAN
I'm fine. He's just-
RUTH
An asshole.
SAD WOMAN
No, he's not always like that.
RUTH
Are you scared of him?

The woman ponders the question. She grows more anxious.
Slowly she nods her head. Ruth pities her.
RUTH pulls out a pocket knife from her back pocket and hands
it to the woman.
RUTH (CONT’D)
Here! Don't let him hit you again.
Pull that out and stab the fucker
in the neck!
RUTH walks off. THE SAD WOMAN looks at the knife uncertain.
Before RUTH gets in her car she looks over and the employee
from the store approaches the dog aggressively.
EMPLOYEE
Hey you ugly mutt! Get the hell
outta here.
The employee goes to kick the dog. But the dog scurries away
in fear. The employee stands with a grin on his face.
RUTH gets in her car and glares at him. He notices and his
grin fades away. He goes back into the store.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this tense scene outside Hank's Hardware Store, Ruth witnesses a man slap a woman in a nearby car. Concerned for the woman's safety, Ruth approaches her and offers support, giving her a pocket knife for self-defense against her abusive partner. After this encounter, Ruth observes a store employee mistreating a stray dog, and her disapproving glare causes him to retreat. The scene highlights themes of domestic violence and animal cruelty, showcasing Ruth's compassionate yet confrontational nature.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character complexity
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Potential for triggering content
  • Sudden escalation of violence

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a sense of tension, empathy, and empowerment, drawing the audience into Ruth's moral conflict and showcasing her complex character.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of empowerment in the face of domestic violence is compelling and well-executed, adding depth to Ruth's character and exploring complex moral themes.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in this scene is crucial for character development, showcasing Ruth's empathy and moral complexity in a high-stakes situation.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to addressing domestic violence, portraying Ruth's unconventional response to empower the victim. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters, especially Ruth and the Sad Woman, are well-developed and drive the emotional core of the scene. Ruth's internal conflict and the Sad Woman's vulnerability create a compelling dynamic.

Character Changes: 8

Ruth experiences a significant internal shift as she confronts the reality of domestic violence and her own capacity for empowerment, leading to a moment of moral reckoning.

Internal Goal: 9

Ruth's internal goal is to help the sad woman in the car, reflecting her empathy, sense of justice, and desire to protect those in need.

External Goal: 8

Ruth's external goal is to intervene in the abusive situation and empower the sad woman to defend herself, reflecting her immediate challenge of confronting domestic violence.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Ruth's desire to empower the Sad Woman and the abusive situation she faces creates a tense and emotionally charged atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ruth facing the challenge of convincing the sad woman to take action against her abuser, creating suspense and emotional stakes.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of domestic violence and empowerment heighten the tension and emotional impact of the scene, emphasizing the moral complexities at play.

Story Forward: 8

The scene advances the story by deepening Ruth's character development and setting up future conflicts and moral dilemmas.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable in Ruth's unconventional response to the situation, adding a layer of tension and uncertainty to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the acceptance of abuse in relationships and the moral obligation to stand up against it. Ruth's belief in taking action clashes with the sad woman's reluctance to see the abuse for what it is.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through its portrayal of domestic violence and empowerment, engaging the audience with its empathetic and intense moments.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and empathy in the scene, with Ruth's empowering words contrasting with the Sad Woman's vulnerability.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense subject matter, moral dilemmas, and the suspense of Ruth's actions, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, guiding the audience through the escalating drama and character interactions with skillful timing.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a screenplay, clearly delineating characters, actions, and dialogue for easy visualization.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced structure, effectively building tension and emotional impact through concise actions and dialogue.


Critique
  • This scene effectively continues Ruth's character development by showcasing her complex mix of empathy and violence, which is consistent with her backstory of being shaped by her father's harsh lessons on survival and cruelty. The interaction with the Sad Woman highlights Ruth's protective instincts, possibly stemming from her own experiences of abuse, as seen in flashbacks, but it also reveals her propensity for extreme solutions, like advising a stabbing, which underscores her instability without feeling out of place. However, the scene risks portraying Ruth as a one-dimensional anti-hero; her immediate shift from remorse to violent suggestion could be more nuanced to avoid alienating the audience, especially if not balanced with moments that humanize her further. Additionally, the parallel with the dog mistreatment ties back to scene 20, reinforcing themes of vulnerability and injustice, but it might come across as repetitive if the audience has just seen Ruth interact with the same dog, potentially diluting the impact. The visual elements, such as the slap, the woman's injuries, and the dog's fear, are strong for cinematic tension, but the scene's brevity might not allow enough time for emotional depth, making Ruth's glare at the end feel abrupt rather than a powerful culmination. Overall, while the scene advances the narrative by building Ruth's rage and foreshadowing potential future violence, it could better integrate with the larger story by connecting more explicitly to her hallucinations or the ongoing police investigation, helping viewers understand how these small acts contribute to her escalating danger.
  • The dialogue in this scene is direct and serves to reveal character traits efficiently, with Ruth's blunt language ('An asshole,' 'Stab the fucker in the neck') emphasizing her raw, unfiltered personality shaped by her traumatic upbringing. This contrasts well with the Sad Woman's hesitant responses, creating a dynamic that highlights power imbalances and emotional states. However, the dialogue feels somewhat stereotypical in its portrayal of domestic abuse and Ruth's intervention, which might lack originality and depth; for instance, the Sad Woman's line 'No, he's not always like that' is a common trope that could be explored more uniquely to make the character feel less like a plot device and more like a real person. Furthermore, the lack of internal monologue or subtle cues during Ruth's actions might make her motivations harder to grasp for viewers not deeply familiar with her arc, potentially confusing the audience about whether her empathy is genuine or manipulative. The scene's structure, jumping from the couple's fight to the dog incident, maintains a fast pace that suits the thriller genre, but it could benefit from smoother transitions to heighten suspense and make the sequence feel more organic rather than a series of vignettes.
  • Visually, the scene uses the parking lot setting effectively to isolate moments of conflict, with the open car window and the employee's aggressive approach adding to the realism and tension. The description of the Sad Woman's injuries (black eye, busted lip, cigarette burns) is vivid and helps convey the horror of abuse without over-explaining, which is a strength in screenwriting. However, the cut to the employee and dog feels tacked on, as it echoes the dog interaction from the previous scene, potentially weakening the scene's focus and making it seem like filler rather than a purposeful beat. Thematically, it reinforces the cycle of violence and Ruth's role as a vigilante figure, but this could be critiqued for being too on-the-nose, as Ruth's glare at the employee mirrors her earlier anger in scene 19, risking redundancy in the script's exploration of her triggers. From a reader's perspective, the scene is easy to visualize and understand, but it might not advance the plot significantly, as it doesn't introduce new information or escalate stakes beyond Ruth's internal state, which could make it feel less essential in a 46-scene script where pacing is crucial.
  • In terms of tone, the scene maintains the dark, tense atmosphere established in earlier scenes, blending moments of compassion with underlying menace, which keeps the audience engaged and builds sympathy for Ruth despite her flaws. This duality is a strong point, as it humanizes a potentially villainous character, but the execution could be improved by adding more sensory details or subtext to deepen the emotional layers—for example, incorporating Ruth's physical reactions (like clenching fists or a fleeting hallucination) to tie into her mental state more explicitly. Critically, the scene's end, with Ruth glaring at the employee, is a missed opportunity for a stronger visual or auditory cue that could link to her father's influence or the wind chimes motif from previous scenes, making the transition feel abrupt. Overall, while the scene effectively uses conflict to reveal character, it could be more integrated into the broader narrative arc, ensuring that each element serves the story's progression toward Ruth's confrontation with authorities or her internal breakdown.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the Sad Woman's character by adding a line or two that reveals her backstory or current fear, making her more than just a victim and allowing for a deeper emotional connection that humanizes Ruth's intervention and makes the scene more impactful.
  • Refine Ruth's dialogue to include more subtext or hesitation, such as pausing before giving the knife, to show her internal conflict and make her actions feel less impulsive and more tied to her traumatic history, thus improving character depth and realism.
  • Vary the pacing by extending the moment when Ruth witnesses the slap or the dog being kicked, using close-ups or sound design (e.g., exaggerated sounds of the slap or the dog's whimper) to build tension and make the scene more cinematic, avoiding a rushed feel.
  • Strengthen thematic connections by incorporating a subtle reference to Ruth's hallucinations or past, such as a brief auditory hallucination of Ed's voice approving her actions, to better link this scene to the overall narrative and reinforce her psychological state.
  • Consider combining elements with the previous scene or cutting redundant dog interactions to tighten the script, ensuring each scene advances the plot or character development without repetition, and end with a stronger hook, like Ruth muttering a line that foreshadows her next move.



Scene 22 -  Fractured Peace
INT. THOMAS HOUSE - NIGHT
THOMAS walks through the door. FRUSTRATED. He is quiet. He
doesn't want to wake his kids.
JULIE (34) pregnant sits on the couch. She is a "cop's wife"
Stay at home, wears the pants in the relationship.
JULIE
(Playful)
Hey there, Cowboy!
THOMAS
(Gives her a kiss)
Hey baby! How were the kids today?
JULIE
Other then being little shits.
They're fine. They take after their
father.
THOMAS
Billy isn't fighting again, is he?

JULIE
He is.
THOMAS
Damn it.
JULIE
He got into a fight with a 3rd
grader.
THOMAS
(Concerned)
Why?
JULIE
The bully was picking on his
sister. He stood up for her... I
can't be mad at him for standing up
for what's right. He also gets that
from you.
THOMAS
(Upset)
He shouldn't be starting fights.
I'm gonna talk to his ass in the
morning.
JULIE
Take it easy. It's not a big deal.
THOMAS
(frustrated)
I don't want our son to be starting
fights period!
JULIE
OK. Byron, you have to calm down.
THOMAS
Don't tell me to calm down!
JULIE
(Upset)
Don't talk to me like that! What
the hell is wrong with you?
THOMAS takes a second to himself.
THOMAS
I'm sorry.
JULIE is concerned.

JULIE
(Gestures to sit next to
her)
Come on. Tell me what's going on...
THOMAS
(Takes a seat)
We found more bodies today. They
were just kids.
JULIE
How old?
THOMAS takes a beat.
JULIE (CONT’D)
Your brothers’ age?
SMASH CUT TO:
FLASHBACK 1963: AUSTIN, TEXAS
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary In this tense scene, Thomas quietly returns home at night, greeted by his playful wife Julie, who embodies the role of a supportive cop's wife. Their conversation reveals their son Billy's recent fight defending his sister, which leads to a heated argument about parenting and Thomas's frustrations. After a moment of conflict, Thomas apologizes and shares a disturbing work-related trauma involving the discovery of children's bodies, hinting at deeper issues as the scene transitions to a flashback set in 1963 Austin, Texas.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Exploration of family dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Focused primarily on internal family tensions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively portrays the tensions within the family, creating a sense of unease and reflection on past traumas. The emotional depth and character dynamics are well-developed.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring family tensions and reflections on past events is compelling and adds depth to the characters. The scene effectively conveys the complexities of familial relationships.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene focuses on the family dynamics and tensions, moving the story forward by revealing character motivations and conflicts. The scene adds depth to the overall narrative.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar family conflict but adds authenticity through the characters' genuine reactions and dialogue. The authenticity of the cop's family life and the emotional weight of the situation contribute to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Thomas and Julie are well-developed, with clear motivations and emotional depth. Their interactions reveal layers of their personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 8

The scene showcases subtle changes in Thomas's emotional state, from frustration to reflection, highlighting his internal struggles and concerns. Julie's concern and support also contribute to character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to balance his role as a father and a cop, grappling with his son's behavior and the impact of his job on his family life. This reflects his deeper need for control and protection over his loved ones.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to address his son's behavior and ensure discipline within the family. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining order and values in his household.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Thomas and Julie regarding their son's behavior and past traumas adds tension to the scene. The emotional conflict and concerns drive the character interactions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and emotional clashes that create uncertainty about the outcome, adding depth to the character interactions.

High Stakes: 7

While the stakes are not extremely high in this particular scene, the family tensions and concerns regarding their son's behavior add a sense of urgency and emotional weight to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing more about the family dynamics, character motivations, and past traumas. It adds depth to the narrative and sets up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters and the unexpected emotional outbursts, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the protagonist's desire for discipline and control versus his son's instinct to stand up for what he believes is right. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about authority and righteousness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, concern, and reflection, creating a poignant and impactful moment in the narrative. The emotional depth of the characters enhances the scene's impact.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the tensions and concerns within the family, showcasing realistic conversations and emotional exchanges. The dialogue drives the character development and conflict in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional exchanges between the characters, drawing the audience into the family's struggles and conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional impact, allowing moments of reflection and intensity to resonate with the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, clearly delineating character actions and dialogue for easy visualization.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a standard structure for a domestic drama, effectively building tension and conflict through dialogue and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively portrays Thomas's emotional state and his personal connection to the ongoing investigation by linking his family life to his professional trauma, which helps build sympathy for his character and advances the theme of inherited violence and protection. This integration makes the scene feel purposeful within the larger narrative, as it contrasts with Ruth's compassionate actions in the previous scenes, highlighting parallel themes of defending the vulnerable.
  • However, the dialogue comes across as somewhat formulaic and expository, with lines like Julie's 'Hey there, Cowboy!' and Thomas's defensive outbursts feeling stereotypical for a 'cop's wife' and a stressed officer dynamic. This reduces the authenticity and depth, making the characters seem like archetypes rather than fully realized individuals, which could alienate readers or viewers who expect more nuanced interactions.
  • The pacing is rushed, particularly in the escalation of the argument; Thomas's frustration builds quickly without sufficient buildup, which diminishes the emotional impact. For instance, the transition from a playful greeting to a heated dispute lacks intermediate beats, making the conflict feel forced rather than organic, and it doesn't fully capitalize on the opportunity to explore Thomas's internal conflict in a more gradual, relatable manner.
  • While the reveal about finding more bodies is a strong moment that ties into Thomas's backstory, it feels somewhat abrupt and could benefit from more sensory details or visual cues to heighten the stakes. Julie's immediate connection to Thomas's brothers is on-the-nose, potentially telegraphing the smash cut to the flashback, which might reduce suspense and make the emotional payoff less surprising or profound.
  • The scene's structure supports the overall screenplay's rhythm by ending on a cliffhanger with the flashback, but it could better utilize the domestic setting to foreshadow Thomas's obsession with justice. Additionally, the gender dynamics, with Julie portrayed as the one 'wearing the pants,' are somewhat heavy-handed and could be refined to avoid reinforcing clichés, ensuring that the scene contributes more subtly to the story's exploration of trauma and family.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more natural and specific; for example, replace generic terms like 'Cowboy' with a personal nickname or reference to a shared experience to strengthen the marital bond and make the conversation feel more intimate and less clichéd.
  • Add physical actions and pauses to slow the pacing and build tension; during the argument, show Thomas clenching his fists or Julie placing a hand on her belly to emphasize her pregnancy, allowing the audience to visually connect with their emotions and make the conflict more engaging.
  • Incorporate subtext to deepen character development; hint at Thomas's hypocrisy regarding violence by having Julie subtly reference his job, prompting a moment of self-reflection that adds layers to his character and ties into the theme of cyclical abuse seen in Ruth's storyline.
  • Enhance the emotional transition to the flashback by adding a brief moment of silence or a visual cue, such as Thomas staring at a family photo, to make the smash cut feel more earned and less abrupt, improving the flow between present and past.
  • Strengthen thematic parallels by including subtle contrasts with Ruth's recent actions; for instance, have Thomas mention his protective instincts toward his children in a way that echoes Ruth's intervention in the abuse scenario, creating a richer interplay between the protagonists and elevating the scene's contribution to the overall narrative.



Scene 23 -  Haunted by the Past
EXT. TEXAS STATE FAIR - NIGHT
14-year-old THOMAS holds his brother in his arms. His tears
drip from his face onto the bullet hole in his brothers head.
END OF FLASHBACK
BACK TO:
JULIE
(Concerned)
I'm sorry, baby.
JULIE comforts THOMAS.
THOMAS
I can't go on like this... Knowing
that son-of-a-bitch is out there-
it makes my skin crawl. They never
caught my brother’s killer and for
damn sure, another killer ain’t
gonna get away if I have something
to do with it-
JULIE
-You can't think like that. You
can't put all of that all on
yourself. What happened to your
brother was an injustice and I pray
for him everyday.
(MORE)

JULIE (CONT’D)
But you know what else I pray for?
I pray that one day it’ll stop
consuming you.
THOMAS
What if- something happens- to OUR
kids. When my brother died, a part
of me died too you know. I can’t do
that again.
BACK TO:
FLASHBACK 1963: AUSTIN, TEXAS
14-year-old THOMAS holds his brother tight close to him. He
won’t let go.
JULIE (V.O.)
But you’re still holding onto him.
You need to let him go. You need to
let him rest baby. Or else it’ll
follow you like a ghost and it’ll
drag you down to hell.
MATCH CUT BACK
TO:
INT. THOMAS HOUSE - NIGHT
THOMAS
Richie is not a ghost haunting me.
Had it occurred to you that maybe
my brother is an angel- guiding me
to do the right thing?
Silence.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this emotionally charged scene, Thomas grapples with the unresolved grief of his brother's murder, revealed through a poignant flashback to 1963 where he holds his deceased brother. In the present, Julie comforts him, urging him to let go of his obsession with the past while Thomas expresses his determination to seek justice and protect their children from similar loss. The scene juxtaposes Thomas's internal struggle with Julie's plea for healing, culminating in a moment of silence that underscores the unresolved tension between them.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Seamless transitions between past and present
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion due to frequent flashbacks

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight carried by Thomas, setting up a compelling character arc and hinting at future conflicts and resolutions.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring Thomas's internal struggles and the impact of past traumas on his present actions is compelling and adds layers to the overall story.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in this scene is crucial for character development, laying the groundwork for future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh approach to the theme of grief and justice, blending elements of mystery and emotional depth. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add layers of complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, particularly Thomas and Julie, are well-developed and their interactions reveal deep emotional complexities, driving the scene forward.

Character Changes: 8

Thomas undergoes a subtle shift in perspective, hinting at potential growth and resolution in his character arc.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find closure and peace regarding his brother's death. This reflects his deeper need for healing, his fear of losing more loved ones, and his desire to honor his brother's memory.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to seek justice for his brother's killer and prevent further tragedies. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with unresolved grief and the fear of losing more family members.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The internal conflict within Thomas, as well as the unresolved external conflicts hinted at, add tension and depth to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external obstacles that challenge his beliefs and motivations. The unresolved mystery of his brother's death adds complexity and tension to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Thomas grapples with his past trauma and the potential impact on his present and future actions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by deepening Thomas's character arc and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting emotional dynamics, unresolved mysteries, and the protagonist's internal conflict. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters' decisions will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's struggle to let go of his past and find a balance between seeking justice and moving forward. It challenges his beliefs about vengeance, forgiveness, and the afterlife.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through Thomas's raw vulnerability and Julie's supportive presence, creating a poignant and memorable moment.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and conflict within Thomas, adding depth to the scene and enhancing character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, compelling character dynamics, and the mystery surrounding the protagonist's past. The dialogue and interactions draw the audience into the characters' struggles and motivations.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, allowing moments of reflection and intensity to unfold organically. The rhythm of the dialogue and flashback transitions enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the emotional beats and character dynamics. The scene directions and dialogue are clear and engaging.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure with impactful flashback sequences that enhance the emotional depth of the narrative. The pacing and transitions are well-crafted, contributing to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively deepens Thomas's character by exploring his unresolved trauma from his brother's death, which ties into the overarching themes of loss, justice, and obsession present in the script. This emotional depth helps the audience understand Thomas's motivations and adds layers to his relationship with Julie, showing how his past influences his present actions and family dynamics. However, the rapid back-and-forth between flashbacks and the present could disrupt the flow, potentially confusing viewers or diluting the emotional impact if not paced carefully in editing. The dialogue is naturalistic and reveals character insights, such as Thomas's determination and Julie's concern, but it risks feeling expository in parts, where Thomas explicitly states his feelings, which might come across as telling rather than showing, reducing the subtlety that could make the scene more engaging.
  • The use of Julie's voice-over during the flashback is a clever narrative device that connects the past and present, emphasizing the theme of being haunted by history. It adds a poetic quality to the scene and reinforces Julie's role as a voice of reason and empathy. That said, this technique can sometimes feel overused in thrillers, and in this context, it might reinforce a sense of repetition if similar voice-overs appear frequently in the script. Additionally, the visual of Thomas holding his brother in both flashbacks is powerful and evocative, but it could benefit from more unique staging or additional details to avoid redundancy and keep the audience engaged without relying solely on the emotional weight of the image.
  • The scene builds tension through Thomas and Julie's conflict, highlighting the strain on their marriage caused by his obsession with work and the past. This interpersonal drama contrasts well with the thriller elements of the story, providing a humanizing moment for Thomas and showing the personal cost of his pursuit. However, the resolution feels abrupt with the silence and cut, which might leave the emotional arc underdeveloped; the scene introduces conflict but doesn't fully resolve or escalate it, potentially making it feel like a transitional segment rather than a standalone beat. Furthermore, the match cut back to the present is a strong visual technique, but it could be more impactful if tied to a specific action or object to enhance thematic resonance.
  • Overall, the scene contributes to the script's exploration of trauma and its long-term effects, making Thomas a relatable and complex protagonist. The quiet, intimate setting of their home allows for a breather from the high-stakes action elsewhere, but it might lack visual variety, relying heavily on close-ups and dialogue, which could make it less cinematic. This is particularly noticeable when compared to more dynamic scenes involving Ruth, potentially unbalancing the pacing if not counteracted with stronger visual storytelling elements.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more visual elements to break up the dialogue-heavy sections, such as Thomas fidgeting with an object related to his brother's death or Julie's subtle body language showing her worry, to make the scene more dynamic and engaging without relying solely on words.
  • Refine the flashback sequences to ensure they add new information or a fresh perspective each time; for instance, add a brief, unique detail in the second flashback, like a specific sound or environmental cue, to differentiate it from the first and avoid repetition.
  • Strengthen the emotional payoff by extending the scene slightly to show a more defined resolution or escalation in Thomas and Julie's argument, perhaps ending with a physical gesture of reconciliation or tension that lingers, to make the cut to the next scene feel less abrupt and more earned.
  • Consider varying the use of voice-over; instead of Julie's voice-over in the flashback, show her words influencing Thomas's actions in the present through intercutting or internal monologue, to add variety and reduce the risk of it feeling clichéd in the context of the genre.



Scene 24 -  Hunting Shadows
INT. RUTH'S 1961 CHEVY IMPALA - NIGHT
RUTH cracks her knuckles as she is parked outside of a bar.
RUTH pulls out a hunting knife from her glove compartment and
examines the sharpness of the knife.
RUTH
I'm so glad that I can talk to you
again. Life's been boring here.
RUTH turns to the passenger seat and an hallucination of her
father appears. He sits as if he was actually there.

ED
I know. It's been a while. It takes
time to adjust to new places.
RUTH
It's been three months, I thought I
would've adjusted by now! I always
do.
ED
It will adjust, Ruth. Give it time.
RUTH
I’m tired.
ED
Of what?
RUTH
Running.
ED
What are you running from?
RUTH is taken back. Her demeanor changes. That’s not
something her father would say... And she knows that. She
wanders: Who am I talking to?
Her hallucination begins to fade... She panics
RUTH
Wait!
In a desperate attempt to keep ED there...
RUTH (CONT’D)
You know, I changed my name to
Dillon.
ED
Dillon? It suits you.
RUTH
And I have a job now. I'm a
cashier.
ED
Do you like it?
RUTH
Sometimes. It’s just- people are
the same. Everywhere I go. They
think I’m stupid or slow.

ED
(sadistic smile)
Hunt them down. Like I taught you.
RUTH
What I want?
ED
Yeah.
RUTH
I want to breath again. Like back
at our old porch with the wind
chimes. I felt so normal.
A drunk couple falls onto RUTH's car. They laugh and walk
past her.
INTERCUT BETWEEN RUTH AND ED giving the same dialogue as she
hallucinates. It grows stronger.
RUTH & ED
(Angry)
Look at them. It's disgusting, they
have no respect for my little girl.
They didn't even apologize.
RUTH snaps out of it. RUTH looks back at the passenger's seat
and her father disappeared.
RUTH looks out her windshield and sees the blonde woman
leaving the bar.
RUTH gets out of the car and follows the woman into an
alleyway. She hunts.
RUTH hears her dad's voice in her head.
ED (V.O.)
I'm so proud of you... Do right by
me... Go get her.
CUT TO BLACK.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this tense scene, Ruth sits in her parked Chevy Impala outside a bar, grappling with her frustrations about her new life and her hallucination of her deceased father, Ed. As she examines a hunting knife, their conversation shifts from supportive to sinister, with Ed encouraging violent thoughts. After a drunken couple interrupts her moment, Ruth's anger escalates, leading her to follow a blonde woman from the bar into an alley, driven by Ed's haunting voice urging her on. The scene ends abruptly, leaving her intentions ambiguous.
Strengths
  • Effective use of hallucinations and flashbacks to reveal character depth
  • Compelling dialogue that drives emotional impact
  • Seamless transitions between past and present for narrative depth
Weaknesses
  • Possible confusion for the audience due to the blurred lines between reality and hallucination

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene effectively creates a tense and mysterious atmosphere, blending past trauma with present actions to showcase Ruth's internal conflict and desperation. The dialogue and character interactions are compelling, driving the narrative forward with emotional depth.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of exploring Ruth's past trauma and its influence on her present actions is compelling. The scene effectively delves into themes of internal struggle, familial influence, and the desire for normalcy amidst darkness.

Plot: 8.7

The plot is engaging, focusing on Ruth's internal conflict and the impact of her father's teachings on her behavior. The scene effectively moves the story forward by revealing key aspects of Ruth's character and setting up future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the psychological thriller genre by intertwining Ruth's internal conflict with her external actions, creating a complex character dynamic. The authenticity of Ruth's dialogue and actions adds originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.8

The characters are well-developed, particularly Ruth and her hallucination of her father. Their interactions reveal layers of complexity and internal conflict, adding depth to the scene and driving the emotional impact.

Character Changes: 9

Ruth undergoes significant internal changes in the scene, grappling with her past trauma, her father's influence, and her desire for normalcy. The interactions with her hallucination reveal layers of complexity and internal conflict, driving character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Ruth's internal goal is to find a sense of normalcy and peace amidst her inner turmoil and past traumas. She longs for a connection to her old self and a desire to feel 'normal' again, reflecting her deeper need for stability and identity.

External Goal: 7.5

Ruth's external goal is to confront the blonde woman from the bar, possibly seeking revenge or resolution for the disrespect shown to her 'little girl.' This goal reflects the immediate challenge she faces in the scene and her need for closure or justice.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The scene maintains a high level of conflict through Ruth's internal struggles, the influence of her father's teachings, and the blurred lines between reality and hallucination. The tension and desperation in Ruth's actions drive the conflict forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ruth facing internal and external conflicts that challenge her beliefs and actions, creating uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as Ruth grapples with her past trauma, her father's dark influence, and her internal conflict. The blurred lines between reality and hallucination heighten the tension and desperation, raising the stakes for Ruth's actions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by revealing key aspects of Ruth's character, her internal struggles, and the influence of her past trauma. It sets up future developments and deepens the narrative arc, driving the plot forward.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting nature of Ruth's hallucinations and her internal conflict, keeping the audience on edge about her actions and motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 8.5

The philosophical conflict lies in Ruth's internal struggle between her desire for normalcy and her father's dark influence, urging her to 'hunt them down.' This conflict challenges her values of morality and control over her actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.9

The scene has a strong emotional impact, evoking feelings of tension, fear, and desperation. Ruth's internal turmoil and the haunting presence of her father create a sense of unease and emotional depth that resonates with the audience.

Dialogue: 8.6

The dialogue is impactful, effectively conveying Ruth's inner turmoil and the influence of her father's dark teachings. The interactions between Ruth and her hallucination add depth to the scene and enhance the emotional resonance.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of suspense, psychological depth, and character-driven conflict. The interplay between reality and hallucination keeps the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, allowing moments of introspection to contrast with action sequences, enhancing the emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected style for a psychological thriller, utilizing visual cues and dialogue to enhance the scene's atmosphere and character development.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure that mirrors Ruth's fragmented state of mind, effectively building tension and suspense. The intercutting between reality and hallucination adds depth to the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene effectively deepens the audience's understanding of Ruth's psychological state, showcasing her isolation, frustration, and reliance on hallucinations as a coping mechanism. By having Ruth question the authenticity of her hallucination of Ed, it highlights her growing self-awareness and internal conflict, which ties into the broader themes of mental illness and trauma established in earlier scenes. This moment of doubt adds complexity to her character, making her more than just a villain and allowing readers to empathize with her struggle, even as it foreshadows her violent tendencies.
  • The dialogue reveals key backstory elements, such as Ruth's name change and her dissatisfaction with her cashier job, which helps to illustrate her unfulfilled life and the monotony that drives her back to violence. However, some lines feel overly expository and lack subtlety, such as Ruth's direct statement about changing her name to Dillon or her desire to 'breath again' like on the porch. This can make the conversation seem forced, as if it's primarily serving to inform the audience rather than emerging naturally from the characters' emotions, potentially reducing the scene's emotional authenticity.
  • The intercut between Ruth and Ed during the angry delusion about the drunk couple is a creative way to visualize her deteriorating mental state and the shared rage, building tension effectively. It underscores the theme of inherited violence from her father and how it influences her perceptions. However, this technique might confuse viewers if not executed clearly, as the rapid back-and-forth could blur the line between reality and hallucination, making it hard to follow without additional visual or auditory cues to distinguish the layers.
  • The scene's pacing starts slow with introspective dialogue and builds to a suspenseful climax as Ruth follows the blonde woman, creating a sense of inevitability that aligns with the thriller elements of the screenplay. Yet, the transition from her personal reflection to action feels abrupt, particularly with the drunk couple's interruption, which serves as a catalyst but lacks buildup. This could diminish the impact of the escalation, as the audience might not feel the full weight of Ruth's emotional spiral before she shifts to predatory behavior.
  • Overall, the scene advances the plot by setting up another potential murder and reinforces Ruth's character arc, showing her cycle of boredom leading to violence. However, it risks repetition with recurring motifs like hallucinations and references to her past (e.g., wind chimes), which were prominent in earlier scenes. Without fresh variations, this could make Ruth's storyline feel stagnant, potentially alienating readers who expect progression in her development rather than reiteration of established traits.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more nuanced and less expository; for example, show Ruth's frustration through subtext or actions rather than direct statements, such as having her fidget with the knife while hinting at her name change, to make the conversation feel more organic and emotionally charged.
  • Enhance the visual distinction during the intercut hallucination sequence by adding specific directing notes, like altering lighting or sound effects (e.g., echoing voices or distorted visuals) to clearly separate reality from delusion, ensuring the audience can follow the escalation without confusion.
  • Build more tension in the transition to action by extending the drunk couple's interruption with subtle sensory details, such as the sound of their laughter grating on Ruth's nerves or her physical reaction (e.g., gripping the steering wheel tightly), to heighten the emotional payoff when she snaps out of the hallucination and decides to follow the blonde woman.
  • Introduce a new element to avoid repetition of motifs; for instance, incorporate a unique trigger for Ruth's hallucination that ties into her current environment, like the bar's neon lights reminding her of a past event, to add freshness and deepen the connection to her backstory without relying solely on familiar symbols like wind chimes.
  • Strengthen the ending by adding a brief moment of hesitation or internal monologue before Ruth exits the car, such as a close-up of her face reflecting doubt or excitement, to emphasize her internal conflict and make the cut to black more impactful, leaving the audience with a stronger sense of suspense and character depth.



Scene 25 -  Rising Tensions
INT. POLICE STATION - DAY
SUBTITLE FADES IN: ONE MONTH LATER
THOMAS walks assertively with a file in hand to Sheriff
Cooper's office.

NEWSCASTER (V.O.)
What's going on in Austin? In the
past month, the murder rate has
increased exponentially. The police
department has issued town curfews
and released a statement, debunking
the zodiac killer rumors.
THOMAS walks through a hectic station radiating with
exhaustion. Fellow policemen scrambling all around. THOMAS
struggles to keep his eyes open.
THOMAS enters the office. SHERIFF COOPER sitting at his desk
on the phone with a cigarette in his hand.
COOPER
I'm sorry for your loss, ma'am.
SHERIFF COOPER slams the phone.
THOMAS
Who was that?
COOPER
The mother of our latest victim...
She is hysterical and threatening
to sue us.
THOMAS
(defeated)
I don’t blame her.
COOPER looks up at disheveled THOMAS. Notices his bloodshot
eyes.
COOPER
Goddamn Thomas! You look a tail-
short of a bloodhound!
THOMAS
We’ve all been working overtime.
COOPER
You working overtime! all the time!
THOMAS
I’ve been diggin’ and got
something.
COOPER
Like I said, a goddamn bloodhound.
What you find?
SHERIFF COOPER'S PHONE RINGS

COOPER (CONT’D)
Damn! What didn't I do now?
SHERIFF COOPER answers the phone.
COOPER (CONT’D)
(on the phone)
Hello?
THOMAS places the file on SHERIFF COOPER's desk.
COOPER (CONT’D)
(on the phone)
Uh-huh... Yeah, we'll keep an eye
out for him. Thank you
SHERIFF COOPER SLAMS the phone.
THOMAS
What is it?
Pause.
COOPER
The minister's son is missing.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary One month after a surge in Austin's murder rate, Thomas navigates a chaotic police station, visibly exhausted. He delivers important findings to Sheriff Cooper, who is dealing with the emotional fallout from a recent murder and a lawsuit threat. Amidst the stress, Cooper receives a call about the minister's missing son, heightening the urgency and tension in the already overwhelmed department.
Strengths
  • Effective tension building
  • Intriguing mystery element
  • Well-developed characters
Weaknesses
  • Limited character changes
  • Lack of external action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively sets a tense and exhausted tone, introducing a new mystery element with the missing person case. The dialogue and character interactions convey a sense of defeat and concern, adding depth to the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of unveiling the truth behind the escalating murder rate and the introduction of a missing person case adds depth and intrigue to the storyline. The scene effectively sets the stage for further developments in the plot.

Plot: 8.5

The plot progresses by introducing a new mystery element with the missing person case, adding complexity to the narrative. The scene effectively moves the story forward and sets up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the police procedural genre by focusing on the emotional toll of crime-solving and the ethical dilemmas faced by law enforcement. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Thomas and Sheriff Cooper, are well-developed in this scene, showcasing their exhaustion, frustration, and concern. The interaction between the characters adds depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions between Thomas and Sheriff Cooper hint at internal struggles and evolving dynamics that may lead to character development in subsequent scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Thomas's internal goal is to find a breakthrough in the case despite the overwhelming challenges and emotional toll it has taken on him. This reflects his need for justice and closure, as well as his fear of failing to solve the case.

External Goal: 7.5

Thomas's external goal is to present new evidence to Sheriff Cooper regarding the missing minister's son, showcasing his dedication to his job and the pursuit of justice in the face of adversity.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, with Thomas struggling with exhaustion and frustration while dealing with the escalating murder rate. The introduction of the missing person case adds external conflict and raises the stakes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with challenges and obstacles that test the characters' resolve and keep the audience uncertain about the outcome of the investigation.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are raised with the introduction of the missing person case, adding urgency and mystery to the storyline. The escalating murder rate and the pressure on the police force heighten the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a new mystery element with the missing person case. It sets up future conflicts and resolutions, driving the narrative towards further revelations and developments.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable as the characters face unexpected challenges and developments, keeping the audience on edge about the outcome of the investigation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict lies in the tension between upholding justice and dealing with the emotional impact of the crimes. Thomas grapples with the ethical dilemmas of law enforcement and the personal toll it takes on him.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions of defeat, concern, and urgency, particularly through the interactions between Thomas and Sheriff Cooper. The emotional impact sets the tone for future developments in the storyline.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters, enhancing the tension and conflict in the scene. The conversations between Thomas and Sheriff Cooper drive the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its fast-paced dialogue, tense atmosphere, and the high stakes involved in the investigation. The conflict and character dynamics keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with well-timed dialogue exchanges and moments of conflict that drive the narrative forward at a compelling pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the standard screenplay format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character cues, and dialogue formatting that enhances readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a police procedural genre, with a clear setup, character interactions, and a cliffhanger ending that propels the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of escalating chaos and exhaustion in the police station, mirroring the broader narrative tension from the newscaster's voice-over about the murder rate surge. This helps ground the audience in the mounting pressure on law enforcement, making Thomas and Cooper's fatigue feel authentic and tied to the story's themes of unresolved crime and personal toll. However, the repetitive use of phone calls and slams can come across as heavy-handed, potentially diluting the impact by relying on a clichéd device to convey stress rather than exploring more nuanced character interactions or visual storytelling.
  • Thomas's character is portrayed consistently as a dedicated, overworked detective, with his bloodshot eyes and assertive walk reinforcing his arc from earlier scenes. This builds empathy and understanding for his internal conflict, especially in the context of his past trauma revealed in previous flashbacks. That said, the scene misses an opportunity to deepen the relationship between Thomas and Cooper; their dialogue feels somewhat surface-level, focusing on plot updates rather than revealing emotional undercurrents or personal stakes, which could make their dynamic more engaging and help readers connect on a human level.
  • The newscaster's voice-over is a strong tool for exposition, efficiently updating the audience on the passage of time and the worsening situation in Austin, which ties into Ruth's ongoing killing spree. It creates a parallel between her actions and the societal fallout, enhancing the thriller elements. However, this method of delivering information might be overused if similar VO recaps appear frequently, risking audience disengagement; integrating such details through character conversations or environmental cues could provide a fresher approach and avoid feeling like detached narration.
  • The scene's pacing is brisk, which suits the hectic atmosphere, but the abrupt interruptions by phone calls disrupt the flow and prevent Thomas from fully revealing his findings. This teasing structure builds suspense, as the file on Cooper's desk hints at a potential breakthrough, but it could frustrate viewers if not resolved promptly in subsequent scenes. Additionally, the ending revelation about the missing minister's son introduces a new plot thread that feels somewhat disconnected without immediate context, potentially confusing readers unless it's clearly linked to the main antagonist or themes in later scenes.
  • Visually, the description of the station's chaos— with officers scrambling and Thomas struggling to stay alert— paints a vivid picture that immerses the reader in the setting. This contrasts well with Ruth's more introspective and violent scenes, highlighting the dual narrative strands. However, the dialogue lacks subtext and subtlety; for instance, Cooper's line about Thomas looking like a 'bloodhound' is colorful but stereotypical, and it doesn't add much depth beyond humor, missing a chance to explore Thomas's obsessive nature in a more meaningful way that ties back to his brother's unsolved murder.
  • Overall, the scene serves as a solid transitional piece, advancing the plot by showing the investigation's stagnation and Thomas's determination, while the 'ONE MONTH LATER' subtitle effectively signals a time jump and escalation. It helps readers understand the story's progression, but it could benefit from more emotional resonance and tighter integration with Ruth's arc, ensuring that the police perspective doesn't feel isolated from the killer's mindset. This would strengthen the screenplay's thematic unity, emphasizing how personal demons drive both protagonists and antagonists.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more natural and less expository; for example, have Cooper's frustration shown through actions like crumpling a report or pacing, rather than repeated phone slams, to add variety and depth to his character.
  • Add a brief visual or internal monologue for Thomas when he places the file on the desk, such as a close-up of his hands trembling or a flashback snippet, to hint at the file's contents and build curiosity without revealing too much, connecting it better to his personal history.
  • Incorporate more environmental details in the station to enhance immersion, like officers discussing cases in the background or a map of crime scenes on the wall, which could subtly convey information and reduce reliance on voice-over for exposition.
  • Extend the scene slightly to allow Thomas and Cooper a moment of genuine interaction about the case's toll, perhaps with Cooper sharing a personal anecdote, to humanize their relationship and provide emotional stakes beyond the plot.
  • Consider smoothing the transition from the previous scene by including a subtle reference to Ruth's actions, such as a newspaper headline in the station about a recent murder, to maintain narrative momentum and reinforce the parallel between the hunter and the hunted.
  • Ensure the hook with the missing minister's son is followed up quickly in the next scene or act to avoid plot threads feeling abandoned; if it's meant to tie into Ruth's story, foreshadow this connection earlier to make the revelation more impactful.



Scene 26 -  Desert Disposal
EXT. DESERT - CONTINUOUS
"Son of a Preacher Man by Dusty Springfield" plays through
the radio of RUTH's Impala.
RUTH opens the trunk of her car. Inside the employee from
Hank’s hardware store. DEAD.
RUTH struggles to take him out of the trunk. She grabs on the
corpse and pulls him out, the trunk lid closes hitting his
head.
RUTH
Whoops.
RUTH drags him out of the trunk by his feet. The body falls
HARD on the ground. RUTH out of breath starts dragging Bobby.
She looks at him and remembers how he treated the dog. He was
about to kick the dog.
THEN- RUTH kicks him... repeatedly. Until she’s satisfied.
RUTH (CONT’D)
No hard feelings. I just need to do
right by my dad. He would’ve done
much worse to you... Are we cool?

RUTH waits for a response from the corpse.
RUTH (CONT’D)
Cool! I knew you would understand.
BACK TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a darkly comedic scene set in a desert, Ruth struggles to remove the corpse of Bobby, a hardware store employee, from her car trunk while 'Son of a Preacher Man' plays on the radio. After accidentally hitting the body with the trunk lid, she drags it out and vents her anger by kicking it, recalling his mistreatment of a dog. Engaging in a one-sided, sarcastic dialogue with the corpse, she rationalizes her actions and seeks to justify her violent behavior. The scene ends with her concluding the conversation and a transition to another part of the story.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Character depth
  • Emotional impact
  • Plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Potential for triggering content

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene effectively conveys Ruth's inner turmoil and her determination for retribution, creating a gripping and impactful moment in the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of seeking justice through violent means is portrayed with depth and complexity, adding layers to Ruth's character and the overall narrative.

Plot: 8.7

The plot progression in this scene is crucial as it delves into Ruth's past and her present actions, driving the narrative forward with a focus on her character arc.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of justice and revenge, presenting a morally complex situation that challenges traditional storytelling conventions. The authenticity of Ruth's actions and dialogue adds a layer of originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

Ruth's character is well-developed in this scene, showcasing her inner conflict, motivations, and capacity for violence, adding depth to the overall story.

Character Changes: 9

Ruth undergoes a significant change in this scene, embracing her darker instincts and seeking retribution, showcasing a pivotal moment in her character development.

Internal Goal: 9

Ruth's internal goal in this scene is to seek justice for her father by avenging the mistreatment of a dog, which reflects her deeper need for closure and a sense of righteousness.

External Goal: 7

Ruth's external goal is to dispose of the dead body in a way that aligns with her sense of justice and honor for her father.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and internal, driven by Ruth's desire for justice and her inner turmoil, creating a compelling and engaging moment.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Ruth's internal struggles and external challenges create a sense of uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Ruth seeks justice for her father through violent means, risking her own safety and moral boundaries in the process.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by delving into Ruth's past and her current actions, setting the stage for further developments and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable as Ruth's actions subvert traditional expectations of forgiveness and mercy, keeping the audience on edge about her next move.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the concept of justice and retribution. Ruth's actions challenge the traditional notions of forgiveness and mercy, highlighting a clash between her personal values and societal norms.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.8

The scene evokes strong emotions through Ruth's actions and the resolution she seeks, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8.2

The dialogue effectively conveys Ruth's emotions and intentions, adding to the tension and atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of suspense, dark humor, and moral ambiguity. The audience is drawn into Ruth's conflicted emotions and actions, creating a compelling narrative.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, enhancing the impact of Ruth's actions and dialogue. The rhythmic flow contributes to the scene's emotional intensity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected standards of the genre, providing clarity and coherence to the scene's visuals and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure that effectively builds tension and reveals character motivations. The formatting aligns with the genre's expectations, enhancing the scene's impact.


Critique
  • This scene effectively portrays Ruth's psychological detachment and moral justification for her violent actions, reinforcing her character's complexity as a serial killer influenced by her father's memory. The dark humor in her dialogue with the corpse adds a layer of unease that aligns with the script's overall tone of psychological horror, making it memorable and engaging for the audience. However, the scene feels somewhat isolated in its brutality without sufficient buildup from the previous scenes, which focus on Thomas and Julie's domestic life and the police investigation. This abrupt shift might disrupt the narrative flow, potentially alienating viewers who expect a smoother transition between the parallel storylines of the killer and the investigators.
  • The action sequence is straightforward and visceral, but it lacks depth in sensory details that could enhance immersion and tension. For instance, the description of Ruth dragging the body and kicking it is clinical, missing opportunities to convey the physical strain, sounds, or environmental elements like the desert wind or heat, which could heighten the scene's intensity and make it more cinematic. Additionally, the memory flashback to Bobby mistreating the dog is handled abruptly, feeling more like a quick cut than a fluid integration, which might weaken the emotional impact and make Ruth's motivation seem contrived rather than deeply rooted in her psyche.
  • In terms of character development, the scene successfully builds on Ruth's established traits from earlier scenes, such as her hallucinations and rationalizations, showing her progression as a killer who is both remorseful and remorseless. However, the dialogue with the corpse, while creepy, borders on caricature and could benefit from more subtlety to avoid making Ruth's instability too obvious or comedic, which might undermine the horror elements. The scene's placement after a high-tension police station moment in scene 25 creates a strong contrast, but it doesn't fully capitalize on this by exploring how Ruth's actions parallel or intersect with the investigators' progress, potentially missing a chance to tighten the narrative threads.
  • The use of music ('Son of a Preacher Man') is a nice touch for ironic commentary, enhancing the scene's atmosphere and tying into themes of morality and paternal influence, but it could be more integrated to reflect Ruth's internal state or trigger a hallucination, making it feel less like background noise. Overall, while the scene advances the plot by showing Ruth disposing of a body and maintaining her cycle of violence, it doesn't significantly escalate the stakes or introduce new conflicts, which might make it feel redundant in a script with many similar violent sequences. This could be an opportunity to add layers, such as increasing the risk of discovery or deepening Ruth's emotional descent, to keep the audience engaged.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the sensory details in the action sequences, such as describing the sound of the body hitting the ground, the feel of the desert sand under Ruth's feet, or the physical exhaustion on her face, to make the scene more vivid and immersive, thereby increasing tension and emotional impact.
  • Smooth the transition from Ruth's memory of Bobby mistreating the dog to her kicking the corpse by adding a brief internal monologue or visual cue that better connects the two, ensuring the motivation feels organic and tied to her character's backstory.
  • Refine the dialogue to be less expository; for example, instead of Ruth explicitly saying 'I just need to do right by my dad,' show this through subtler actions or thoughts, perhaps by having her glance at an imaginary figure or reference a past event, to maintain suspense and avoid telling rather than showing.
  • Incorporate a hint of external threat or consequence, such as distant sounds of traffic or a plane overhead, to raise the stakes and make the disposal feel more precarious, linking it to the ongoing police investigation and creating a sense of urgency.
  • Consider extending the scene slightly to include a moment of reflection or a hallucination of Ed appearing briefly, which could deepen the psychological elements and better connect to Ruth's arc, ensuring the scene contributes more to character development and thematic depth.



Scene 27 -  Buried Secrets
INT. COOPERS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Burke goes through the file. It's RUTH's Chevy Impala.
COOPER
An Impala?
EXT. DESERT - CONTINUOUS
INTER-CUT
BETWEEN DESERT
AND COOPER'S
OFFICE.:
RUTH drags the body behind a bush.
THOMAS
That car belonged to Edward Hanson.
He was shot and killed about ten
years ago up in Santa Fe.
RUTH walks to her car and digs into her trunk.
THOMAS (CONT’D)
Edward was caught at a crime scene
by a rookie deputy. The photos are
hard to look at. Sound Familiar?
RUTH pulls out the shovel from the trunk and walks back to
the body. The shovel scraps the dirt as she makes her way to
the body.
COOPER
You're telling me that our killer
is back from the dead?
THOMAS
He had a partner, Sheriff. Hanson
was shot in the passenger side of
the car. His body was found the
next morning on the side of the
road.
RUTH holds the shovel above her head and then strikes.

COOPER
How do you know it's the same guy?
THOMAS
I have this gut feeling Sheriff.
The murders in Reno are very
similar to ours.
COOPER
We can't go off on hunches! We have
a whole lot of eyes on us right
now, we can't fuck up.
THOMAS
Let me investigate. What’s the harm
in that?
RUTH puts the bloody shovel in the trunk and closes it. She
turns to look at the fresh grave she finished. She sighs. She
closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. Exhaustion. From all
of it.
The loneliness. The hatred. The anxiety. She takes another
breath. She closes her eyes. Trying to hear the wind chimes.
But she can’t. Not anymore. She hasn’t heard them for a
while.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In this tense scene, Burke uncovers a connection between Ruth's car and a murder from ten years ago, while Ruth is seen in a desert burying a body, reflecting her emotional turmoil. Cooper and Thomas debate the validity of pursuing a potential serial killer link, with Cooper skeptical and Thomas insistent on further investigation. The contrasting settings highlight Ruth's isolation and anxiety as she struggles with her actions and feelings of exhaustion, culminating in her inability to hear the wind chimes she once could.
Strengths
  • Effective intercutting between past and present
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Tension-building dialogue
  • Exploration of complex themes
Weaknesses
  • Potential confusion due to multiple timelines
  • Some transitions could be smoother

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through its seamless transitions between past and present, engaging dialogue, and the introduction of high stakes. The dark and mysterious tone keeps the audience captivated, while the character dynamics add depth to the unfolding narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of intertwining past crimes with present investigations adds layers of complexity to the narrative, creating a compelling storyline that explores themes of trauma, redemption, and the cyclical nature of violence. The scene effectively conveys the psychological struggles of the characters.

Plot: 8.7

The plot is engaging and propels the story forward by introducing new revelations about past events and their impact on the present. The scene effectively sets up conflicts and raises questions that drive the narrative towards a deeper exploration of the characters' motivations.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime genre by blending elements of mystery and psychological drama. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed and exhibit complex emotions and motivations, adding depth to the scene. Their interactions reveal layers of internal conflict and external pressures, contributing to the overall tension and suspense of the narrative.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo significant emotional and psychological changes throughout the scene, grappling with past traumas, guilt, and the consequences of their actions. These changes drive the character arcs forward and add complexity to their motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Ruth's internal goal is to bury the body and hide any evidence of her involvement in the crime. This reflects her fear of being caught, her desire to protect herself, and her need to maintain control over the situation.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to investigate the murders in Reno and potentially link them to the current case. This reflects the immediate challenge of solving a series of crimes and maintaining the town's safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts that heighten the tension and suspense. The conflicts between characters, past traumas, and the investigation create a sense of urgency and drive the narrative towards a climactic resolution.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and hidden agendas creating uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 9

The scene establishes high stakes through the investigation of past crimes, the revelation of new evidence, and the escalating conflicts between characters. The risks involved for the characters and the potential consequences of their actions heighten the tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new revelations, escalating conflicts, and deepening the characters' emotional journeys. It sets the stage for further developments and raises the stakes for the characters involved.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the investigation and the characters' hidden agendas.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the tension between following hunches and evidence-based investigation. Cooper represents the rational, cautious approach, while Thomas advocates for intuition and gut feelings. This challenges Ruth's beliefs about justice and the right way to solve crimes.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.8

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience through its exploration of trauma, guilt, and the characters' struggles with their past. The emotional depth of the characters and the high stakes involved enhance the impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 8.6

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, conveying the characters' inner turmoil and external conflicts effectively. It enhances the scene's atmosphere and contributes to the development of character dynamics and plot progression.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, suspenseful atmosphere, and the characters' conflicting motivations.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and moving the story forward at a compelling pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the conventions of the genre, with concise scene descriptions and clear character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime thriller, with a clear progression of events and effective intercutting between different locations.


Critique
  • The inter-cutting between the police office and the desert scene is a clever narrative device that effectively builds tension and highlights the parallel lives of the investigators and the antagonist, creating a sense of urgency and inevitability. However, the execution feels somewhat mechanical, with cuts that may disrupt the flow if not timed perfectly in editing, potentially jarring the audience and reducing emotional immersion. This technique is strong for visual storytelling but could benefit from more seamless transitions to maintain a cohesive rhythm and avoid a 'montage-like' feel that might dilute the intensity.
  • Thomas's dialogue, particularly his reliance on a 'gut feeling,' comes across as clichéd and underdeveloped, lacking the depth needed to make his intuition compelling. In the context of the overall script, where Thomas's personal trauma is a key motivator, this scene misses an opportunity to tie his hunch more explicitly to his backstory, such as referencing his brother's unsolved murder. This makes the character arc feel repetitive and less engaging, as it doesn't advance his emotional journey beyond what's established in prior scenes.
  • Ruth's segment in the desert effectively conveys her psychological deterioration through actions and internal reflections, such as her exhaustion and the symbolic loss of hearing the wind chimes, which ties into her hallucinations and isolation. However, this is described in a way that might not translate well to screen, relying on voiceover or descriptive text that could feel heavy-handed. The scene risks telling rather than showing, which can alienate viewers if not balanced with more visual or auditory cues, and it doesn't fully capitalize on the horror-thriller elements by making her emotional state more visceral and integrated into the action.
  • The dialogue in Cooper's office is functional for exposition, revealing key plot points about Edward Hanson's murder and its potential connection to the current killings, but it feels overly expository and stilted, with lines that sound like they're delivering information rather than arising naturally from character interactions. This can make the scene less dynamic and more like a plot dump, especially when contrasted with Ruth's more action-oriented sequence, highlighting a tonal inconsistency that might weaken the scene's overall impact.
  • Overall, the scene successfully advances the plot by linking past events to the present investigation and Ruth's ongoing crimes, maintaining the script's themes of trauma, obsession, and pursuit. However, it struggles with pacing in the inter-cutting, which can feel rushed or uneven, and it doesn't fully exploit opportunities for character depth or visual innovation, potentially leaving the audience with a sense of familiarity rather than fresh engagement. In the broader context of the screenplay, this scene is pivotal for escalating tension toward the climax, but it could be more memorable with tighter integration of emotional and narrative elements.
Suggestions
  • Refine the inter-cutting by varying the length and angle of shots to create a more rhythmic flow, such as starting with longer takes in the office to build dialogue tension before quick-cutting to Ruth's actions for contrast, ensuring smoother transitions that enhance suspense without confusing the audience.
  • Develop Thomas's 'gut feeling' by incorporating a specific reference to his personal history, like a brief flashback or a line connecting it to his brother's death, to make his motivation more authentic and tied to his character arc, thereby increasing emotional stakes and audience investment.
  • Enhance Ruth's reflective moment by showing her exhaustion and the absence of wind chimes through sensory details, such as using sound design to fade out ambient noises or employing shaky camera work to convey disorientation, making her internal state more cinematic and less reliant on descriptive text.
  • Tighten the expository dialogue in Cooper's office by making it more conversational and interruptive, such as having Cooper challenge Thomas mid-sentence or adding subtext through facial expressions and body language, to make the exchange feel more natural and engaging while still delivering necessary information.
  • Add a small visual or auditory twist during the inter-cut, like Ruth finding an object in the trunk that subtly foreshadows the investigation or a sound bridge that links the shovel striking the ground to a phone slamming in the office, to heighten thematic connections and make the scene more dynamic and memorable.



Scene 28 -  Reflections of Regret
INT. IMPALA - MOMENTS LATER
RUTH starts the engine and drives to the intersection. She
puts her blinkers to right.
A billboard catches her attention. Her victims plastered on
the billboard commemorating them. Lit candles and flowers at
the base of the billboard.
RUTH sheds a tear. She looks at the passenger's side-
expecting to see ED. She doesn't.
RUTH stares off disappointed. She ponders... She looks at her
rear-view mirror and looks at the bush where she left the
body then back at the empty seat.
She takes a moment to herself. Then she puts her blinkers to
the left and drives away from the sunset.
END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this poignant scene, Ruth sits alone in her Impala, grappling with her emotions as she drives to an intersection. A billboard honoring her victims catches her eye, prompting tears as she reflects on her actions and the absence of Ed beside her. The empty passenger seat symbolizes her loneliness and guilt, leading her to confront her past as she gazes into the rear-view mirror at the bush where she left Ed's body. Ultimately, she chooses to turn left and drive away from the sunset, marking a significant transition in her emotional journey.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character exploration
  • Symbolism
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively captures Ruth's emotional complexity and inner conflict, providing a poignant insight into her character while setting a somber tone for the upcoming Act Three.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Ruth's emotional turmoil and past actions in a moment of reflection is compelling. It adds depth to her character and sets the stage for further development in Act Three.

Plot: 8

While the scene focuses more on character introspection than plot progression, it serves as a crucial moment for Ruth's development and sets the stage for future events in Act Three.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh approach to exploring themes of guilt and grief through subtle actions and minimal dialogue. The authenticity of Ruth's emotional journey adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Ruth's character is richly portrayed, showcasing her vulnerability, guilt, and internal struggles. The scene provides a deep insight into her psyche and sets the stage for potential growth and transformation.

Character Changes: 8

Ruth undergoes a subtle but significant emotional change in the scene, moving from a state of reflection and disappointment to a sense of acceptance and moving forward. Her internal growth sets the stage for potential transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

Ruth's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with her guilt and grief over the loss of her victims, particularly Ed. This reflects her deeper need for redemption and forgiveness, as well as her fear of facing the consequences of her actions.

External Goal: 7

Ruth's external goal in this scene is to confront the reality of her past actions and find a way to move forward despite her guilt and sorrow. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in reconciling her emotions with the aftermath of her deeds.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is internal conflict within Ruth, the scene lacks external conflict or tension. The focus is more on emotional turmoil and introspection rather than external challenges.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from Ruth's internal struggles and the weight of her past actions, creating a sense of uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are primarily internal for Ruth in this scene, focusing on her emotional turmoil and sense of loss. While there are no immediate external threats, the scene sets the stage for potential conflicts and challenges in Act Three.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene does not propel the plot forward significantly, it deepens the audience's understanding of Ruth's character and sets the stage for future developments in Act Three. It adds emotional depth and complexity to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its emotional twists and turns, keeping the audience guessing about Ruth's next actions and decisions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between accepting responsibility for one's actions and seeking redemption versus trying to escape or ignore the consequences of those actions. This challenges Ruth's beliefs about accountability and the possibility of forgiveness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response, drawing on themes of sadness, loneliness, and disappointment. Ruth's internal struggles resonate with the audience, creating a poignant and introspective moment.

Dialogue: 7

The scene relies more on visual cues and actions than dialogue, emphasizing Ruth's internal monologue and emotional journey. The sparse dialogue enhances the introspective nature of the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, subtle character interactions, and the audience's investment in Ruth's internal struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene enhances its emotional impact, allowing moments of reflection and tension to unfold effectively. It contributes to the overall mood and atmosphere of the narrative.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, focusing on visual cues and character emotions. It aligns with the expected format for a screenplay in this genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure that allows for introspection and emotional development. It adheres to the expected format for a character-driven drama.


Critique
  • This scene effectively captures Ruth's internal conflict and emotional isolation, serving as a poignant end to Act Two. It builds on the previous scene's themes of exhaustion, loneliness, and anxiety, showing Ruth's disappointment in the absence of her hallucinated father, Ed, which underscores her deteriorating mental state and reliance on these hallucinations for comfort. The visual of the billboard commemorating her victims is a strong symbolic element that confronts her with the consequences of her actions, evoking guilt and adding depth to her character arc. However, the scene risks feeling somewhat repetitive if the audience has already been exposed to similar moments of reflection in earlier scenes, such as her trances or hallucinations, potentially diluting its impact. Additionally, the lack of dialogue emphasizes Ruth's solitude, which is thematically appropriate, but the action lines could be more descriptive to heighten the emotional intensity and make her internal struggle more vivid and engaging for the viewer. As the act break, the direction change (from right to left) symbolizes a shift in Ruth's path, but it may not land with enough force to create a memorable cliffhanger or turning point, especially since the broader narrative context from the script summary suggests Act Three involves increased pursuit by authorities. Finally, while the rear-view mirror glance ties back to the immediate previous action (burying the body), it might confuse viewers if the connection isn't clear, highlighting a need for better integration with the story's continuity to avoid disjointedness.
  • The scene's strength lies in its concise portrayal of Ruth's psychological unraveling, using simple actions like shedding a tear and changing blinkers to convey complex emotions without over-reliance on exposition. This aligns well with screenwriting principles of 'show, don't tell,' allowing the audience to infer her regret and decision-making through visual cues. However, the billboard element, while evocative, could come across as overly explicit or contrived, as it directly references her crimes in a way that might feel heavy-handed in a thriller genre, potentially reducing suspense by making the consequences too obvious. The emotional beat with Ed's absence is well-timed, reinforcing her dependency and setting up potential escalation in Act Three, but it lacks novelty compared to earlier hallucinations, which could make the scene feel like a retread rather than a climactic moment. Furthermore, the pacing is brisk, which suits the end of an act, but it might benefit from a slight extension to allow the audience to sit with Ruth's disappointment, building more tension before the cut to Act Three. Overall, while the scene effectively transitions the narrative and highlights Ruth's character development, it could better balance familiarity with innovation to maintain audience engagement and ensure the act break feels earned and impactful.
  • In terms of thematic consistency, this scene reinforces the script's exploration of trauma, guilt, and the blurred lines between reality and hallucination, which is evident from the summary of earlier scenes. Ruth's inability to find solace in Ed's presence mirrors her growing isolation, a motif established in scenes like the desert burial, and the sunset drive adds a poetic visual that could symbolize the end of her current chapter. Critically, however, the scene's reliance on internal reflection might not fully capitalize on the thriller elements present in the overall story, such as the police investigation, as it doesn't directly inter-cut or build suspense with the antagonists' progress. This could make the scene feel insular, focusing solely on Ruth without advancing the plot's external conflicts, which are heating up in parallel storylines. Additionally, the action of changing direction is a subtle metaphor for Ruth's agency or shift in resolve, but it could be more explicitly tied to her motivations—perhaps through a flashback or voice-over—to clarify its significance and strengthen the narrative pivot. Lastly, the scene's brevity is appropriate for an act break, but in a visual medium like film, ensuring that key moments are cinematic and memorable is crucial; here, the billboard and mirror shots have potential but might need more dynamic camera directions or sensory details to elevate them beyond standard coverage.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the emotional depth by adding more sensory details in the action lines, such as describing Ruth's heavy breathing, the sound of the engine, or the flickering candlelight on the billboard, to immerse the audience in her mental state and make the scene more visceral and engaging.
  • Strengthen the act break by making the direction change more symbolic and consequential; for example, add a brief voice-over from Ed or a flashback snippet to hint at what's ahead in Act Three, ensuring the transition feels like a definitive turning point that raises stakes for both Ruth and the pursuing authorities.
  • Incorporate subtle foreshadowing to connect with upcoming events, such as having Ruth glance at a road sign or hear a distant siren, to build tension and link her internal conflict with the external threat from the police, making the scene less isolated and more integrated into the larger narrative.
  • Refine the visual metaphor of the billboard by making it less direct—perhaps show it partially obscured or from a distance—to avoid melodrama and allow the audience to interpret Ruth's guilt more subtly, which could heighten suspense and make the revelation more impactful.
  • Extend the scene slightly by adding a beat where Ruth hesitates or makes a small physical action, like gripping the steering wheel tightly, to emphasize her internal struggle and give the audience a moment to absorb the emotion, improving pacing and ensuring the end of Act Two resonates strongly before cutting to Act Three.



Scene 29 -  A Knock at the Door
INT. THOMAS HOUSE - KIDS BEDROOM - NIGHT
THOMAS reads 'Pinocchio' to his kids. LAUREN (8) and BILLY
(5).
THOMAS
(Reading)
"Fancy the happiness of Pinocchio
on finding himself free! Without
saying yes or no, he fled from the
city and set out on the road that
was to take him back to the house
of the lovely Fairy."
JULIE walks in with crossed arms. Vexed. THOMAS notices. He’s
in trouble.
JULIE
Wrap it up. It's late and these
kids can't be missing the bus every
morning.
THOMAS
(to his kids)
Is that right? Missing the bus?
The kids giggle.
*KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!*
JULIE looks from the hallway. She see’s the silhouette of a
police officer from the stained glass of their front door.
JULIE
Look like it’s work... again. You
better go get that.
THOMAS
(kissing his kids)
Goodnight, Rugrats.
JULIE turns off their light.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In scene 29, set in Thomas's children's bedroom at night, Thomas reads 'Pinocchio' to his kids, Lauren and Billy, creating a warm atmosphere. Julie, his partner, enters, frustrated about the children's late bedtimes causing them to miss the school bus. As Thomas playfully interacts with the kids, a loud knock on the front door interrupts the moment. Julie warns Thomas that it appears to be a police officer, suggesting a work-related issue. The scene ends with Thomas kissing his children goodnight and Julie turning off the light, highlighting family dynamics and the tension of an impending external conflict.
Strengths
  • Effective contrast between personal and professional spheres
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Emotional depth and complexity
Weaknesses
  • Limited immediate impact on the overall plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively balances the warmth of a family reading session with the sudden appearance of work-related tension, showcasing the complexities of the characters' lives.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of blending personal and professional spheres adds depth to the characters and sets the stage for potential conflicts and developments.

Plot: 8

The plot introduces a new layer of tension and conflict through the unexpected visit, hinting at future developments and character arcs.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar domestic setting but adds originality through the nuanced portrayal of family dynamics and the juxtaposition of personal and professional responsibilities. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are portrayed with depth and authenticity, showcasing their vulnerabilities, strengths, and the complexities of their relationships.

Character Changes: 7

The scene hints at potential changes in the characters' dynamics and priorities, setting the stage for personal growth and challenges.

Internal Goal: 8

Thomas' internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of connection and bonding with his children through storytelling, despite the tension with Julie and the looming presence of his work responsibilities. This reflects his deeper need for family harmony and his desire to be a good father.

External Goal: 7

Thomas' external goal is to address the unexpected visit from the police officer and manage the potential work-related issue that it represents. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he faces in balancing his personal and professional life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict arises from the clash between personal and professional duties, setting the stage for potential challenges and growth.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create uncertainty and challenge for the protagonist, with the unexpected visit from the police officer adding a layer of complexity and potential consequences.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not overtly high in this scene, the introduction of work-related tension hints at potential challenges and conflicts ahead.

Story Forward: 7

The scene introduces new elements that could impact the story's progression, hinting at future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected visit from the police officer and the unresolved tension between Thomas, Julie, and his work responsibilities, leaving the audience uncertain about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between personal fulfillment (Thomas' desire to read to his kids and be present for them) and external obligations (Julie's frustration over his late-night activities and work demands). This challenges Thomas' beliefs about the importance of family time versus work responsibilities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from warmth and humor to tension and concern, engaging the audience in the characters' experiences.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and concerns, adding depth to the scene and setting up potential conflicts.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it establishes multiple layers of conflict and tension, drawing the audience into the characters' emotional struggles and setting up intriguing developments.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense through a gradual escalation of conflicts and the introduction of a new obstacle, maintaining the audience's interest and setting up a compelling continuation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to industry standards for screenplay format, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and clarity.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a domestic drama genre, with clear character introductions, conflict escalation, and a cliffhanger ending that sets up further developments.


Critique
  • This scene serves as a strong transitional moment marking the beginning of Act Three, effectively shifting from the high-tension, solitary reflection of Ruth in the previous scene to a domestic, family-oriented setting with Thomas. It humanizes Thomas by showcasing his role as a father and husband, contrasting sharply with the chaotic police work and personal traumas depicted earlier. This contrast highlights the theme of work-life balance and the toll that a high-stakes job takes on personal relationships, which is a common element in thrillers to build empathy for the protagonist and raise emotional stakes. However, the scene feels somewhat abrupt and underdeveloped due to its brevity, potentially leaving the audience without enough emotional depth to fully invest in Thomas's family dynamics. The dialogue is functional but lacks nuance and subtext; for instance, Julie's vexation is stated directly, which could be shown more subtly through actions or expressions to avoid telling rather than showing. Additionally, the choice of reading 'Pinocchio'—a story about lies and consequences—could be a clever nod to the film's themes of deception and moral ambiguity, but it's not explicitly connected, making it feel incidental rather than integral. The interruption by the police knock is a familiar trope that signals the intrusion of professional duties into personal life, but it might come across as clichéd without additional buildup or unique elements to heighten tension or surprise. Overall, while the scene successfully establishes a moment of normalcy to underscore the escalating conflict, it risks feeling like a placeholder rather than a pivotal act opener, as it doesn't immediately ramp up the stakes or advance the plot in a way that feels urgent given the context of the serial killer investigation intensifying in prior scenes.
  • From a structural perspective, this scene acts as a breather after the intense action of Act Two, allowing for character development and thematic reinforcement. It effectively mirrors Thomas's internal conflict—seen in earlier scenes with his brother's death and obsession with justice—by showing how his dedication to work affects his family, which could resonate with readers familiar with character-driven narratives. However, the pacing is rushed; the transition from reading to interruption happens quickly, which might not give enough time for the audience to savor the family moment or feel the weight of the intrusion. Visually, the scene relies on standard domestic imagery (e.g., kids giggling, lights turning off), but it lacks distinctive details that could tie it more closely to the overall story's atmosphere, such as subtle hints of the external world's chaos (e.g., a distant siren or a newspaper headline about the murders). The character interactions, particularly between Thomas and Julie, reveal underlying tension but are not explored deeply, missing an opportunity to deepen the audience's understanding of Thomas's motivations or Julie's frustrations. In the context of the screenplay's horror-thriller genre, this scene could better serve to heighten dread by contrasting the safety of home with the encroaching danger, but it currently feels isolated. Finally, as the start of Act Three, it should ideally propel the story toward climax, but here it primarily sets up the next scene without significantly escalating conflict, which might make the act transition feel underwhelming compared to the high-energy pursuits and revelations in scenes like 27 and 28.
Suggestions
  • Expand the scene slightly to add more depth to the family interactions; for example, include a brief exchange between Thomas and Julie that hints at their ongoing struggles, making the interruption more emotionally impactful and tying it to Thomas's arc.
  • Incorporate subtle visual or auditory elements that connect to the larger narrative, such as a radio playing a news report about the murders in the background or Thomas glancing at a family photo that reminds him of his brother's death, to maintain thematic continuity and build tension.
  • Enhance the dialogue with subtext; instead of Julie directly stating her vexation, show it through her body language or a loaded pause, allowing the audience to infer the strain in their relationship and making the scene more cinematic and less expository.
  • Use the Pinocchio reading more thematically by having Thomas relate it to his own life or the case, perhaps drawing a parallel to lies and deception in the killer's actions, to add layers and make the scene feel more integral to the story.
  • Build suspense leading up to the knock at the door by extending the reading moment or adding a sense of foreboding, such as Thomas hesitating or the children asking questions about his work, to make the interruption feel more dramatic and to better signal the escalation into Act Three's climax.



Scene 30 -  A Night of Tension
INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
THOMAS opens the door. BURKE is standing on the front step.
JULIE looks from behind THOMAS.

JULIE
Brady? Is everything OK?
BURKE
Hey Julie. Everything is-
JULIE
-Shirley kicked your ass out,
didn't she?
Beat.
BURKE
It was more of a mutual decision.
She needs to cool off.
THOMAS
Cool off her Latina fire?
BURKE nods. He shares a look with JULIE. He shrugs
innocently. She nods hesitantly wrapping herself with her
arms.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Mystery"]

Summary In this scene, Thomas opens the door to find Burke on the front step, shortly after saying goodnight to his children. Julie, standing behind Thomas, immediately expresses concern for Burke, suspecting issues with his wife, Shirley. Burke confirms it was a mutual decision for him to leave, as Shirley needs time to cool off. Thomas attempts to lighten the mood with a joke about 'cooling off her Latina fire,' which adds a layer of tension. The interaction reveals the complexities of Burke's relationship and hints at a familiarity between him and Julie, all while taking place in the comfort of their living room. The scene ends with a hesitant, knowing look exchanged between Burke and Julie, highlighting the emotional undercurrents at play.
Strengths
  • Effective blending of personal and professional themes
  • Engaging dialogue that reveals character dynamics
  • Smooth transition between family and work settings
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Character changes are subtle and not fully realized

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines personal relationships with professional challenges, creating a layered narrative that engages the audience. The dialogue adds depth to the characters and hints at underlying tensions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of intertwining personal and professional lives adds depth to the characters and enhances the overall narrative. The scene effectively introduces conflict and sets the stage for future revelations.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced through the introduction of new information and conflicts, setting the stage for further developments. The scene effectively builds suspense and intrigue, driving the story forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of relationship issues but adds a fresh approach through the characters' dialogue and interactions. The authenticity of the characters' responses and the subtle hints at cultural elements contribute to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations. The dialogue reveals nuances in their relationships and hints at deeper conflicts, adding layers to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, subtle shifts in dynamics and emotions hint at potential developments in the future. The interactions between the characters lay the groundwork for personal growth and transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

Julie's internal goal in this scene is to understand the situation between Burke and Shirley better. Her question to Burke reflects her concern for their relationship dynamics and her desire to uncover the truth behind their separation.

External Goal: 7.5

Burke's external goal is to explain the situation with Shirley to Julie in a way that downplays any conflict or blame. He aims to maintain a positive image in Julie's eyes despite the circumstances.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal and relational, setting the stage for future external conflicts. The tensions between the characters add depth to the narrative and hint at unresolved issues.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with subtle hints at conflicting perspectives and potential hidden agendas among the characters, keeping the audience intrigued about the unfolding dynamics.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are moderately high in the scene, with tensions rising between the characters and hints of deeper conflicts to come. The personal and professional challenges faced by the characters add complexity to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new information, conflicts, and tensions that set the stage for future developments. It advances the plot and builds suspense, engaging the audience and driving the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it hints at deeper conflicts and motivations beneath the surface, leaving room for unexpected revelations or developments in the characters' relationships.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict lies in the differing perspectives on Shirley and Burke's separation. Julie seems to suspect a more dramatic reason, while Burke tries to present it as a mutual decision, showcasing a clash between honesty and perception.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension to humor, engaging the audience and creating a sense of intrigue. The interactions between the characters add depth and emotional resonance to the narrative.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is engaging and reveals underlying tensions and dynamics between the characters. It effectively conveys emotions and sets the tone for future interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the quick back-and-forth dialogue, the hints at underlying tensions, and the curiosity it sparks about the characters' relationships and motivations.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining interest through well-timed beats, pauses, and character reactions that enhance the flow of the dialogue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected style for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting that enhances readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a standard format for a dialogue-driven moment in a screenplay, with clear character introductions, interactions, and beats that progress the conversation naturally.


Critique
  • The scene effectively transitions from the previous family moment in the bedroom to this interruption at the door, maintaining a sense of continuity and building on the domestic atmosphere established in Act Three. However, the dialogue feels somewhat abrupt and lacks subtlety, with Julie immediately guessing the reason for Burke's visit, which could come across as expository rather than natural conversation. This might undermine the realism, as it doesn't allow for a gradual reveal of Burke's personal issues, potentially making the characters seem less nuanced and the interaction more predictable.
  • Thomas's joke about 'cooling off her Latina fire' introduces humor but risks reinforcing ethnic stereotypes, which could alienate audiences or detract from the scene's emotional depth. In a screenplay dealing with serious themes like serial murder, family trauma, and personal relationships, this line may feel out of place or insensitive, especially given the context of Burke's marital problems, and it doesn't add significant character insight or advance the plot meaningfully beyond a cheap laugh.
  • The visual and physical actions in the scene, such as Burke nodding, sharing a look with Julie, and her wrapping her arms around herself, are good attempts at showing character emotions non-verbally, but they are underutilized. The hesitant nod and arm-wrapping suggest discomfort or underlying tension, particularly between Julie and Burke, but without more context or development, this subtext feels vague and underdeveloped. This could leave readers or viewers confused about the dynamics, especially if there's an implied history that isn't clearly established earlier in the script.
  • Overall, the scene serves as a functional setup for Burke's integration into the home environment, which likely leads to further discussions in subsequent scenes, but it feels rushed and lacks emotional weight. Given that this is early in Act Three, it has the opportunity to deepen character relationships and heighten stakes, but it prioritizes quick exposition over exploring the characters' internal states or the impact of their professional lives on their personal ones, making it a missed chance for richer storytelling.
  • In the broader context of the screenplay, this scene parallels Ruth's isolation and internal conflicts with the investigators' personal struggles, but the connection isn't strongly drawn here. The critique extends to how this moment could better tie into the themes of loneliness, guilt, and the blurring of professional and personal boundaries, as seen in Ruth's scenes, but it remains superficial, focusing more on surface-level humor and familiarity without delving into the psychological depth that the script builds elsewhere.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more organic and layered; for example, have Julie express concern in a way that builds suspense before revealing her guess, allowing for a more natural flow and giving Burke a chance to respond with nuance, which could reveal more about their relationship dynamics.
  • Replace or rephrase Thomas's stereotypical joke with something more character-specific and sensitive, such as referencing a shared experience between the characters or tying it to the case's themes, to avoid cultural insensitivity and add depth, making the humor serve the story rather than detract from it.
  • Enhance the visual elements by adding more descriptive actions or beats; for instance, describe Julie's body language in greater detail or include a close-up on the shared look between her and Burke to hint at backstory, which could be foreshadowed earlier in the script to build intrigue and make the scene more engaging and emotionally resonant.
  • Extend the scene slightly to include a brief moment of reflection or additional dialogue that explores the characters' emotions, such as Thomas showing fatigue from his work or Julie voicing her concerns about the intrusion of police life into their home, to better balance pacing and allow for character development without slowing the overall narrative.
  • Strengthen thematic ties by incorporating subtle references to the main plot, like having the conversation touch on Burke's work stress related to the killings, which could mirror Ruth's isolation and create a more cohesive link between the investigators' personal lives and the antagonist's journey, enhancing the screenplay's overall depth and tension.



Scene 31 -  Fireside Reflections
EXT. BACK PORCH - LATER
JULIE, THOMAS, and BURKE sits outside drinking a beer. A fire
going in the middle. The flames lights up their faces.
BURKE
"Present"
(beat)
I'm not being “present” What type
of bullshit is that?
JULIE
Brady. Maybe she means, you're not
giving her the attention that she
needs.
THOMAS looks into the flame. JULIE notices him not noticing.
BURKE
I give her attention. Trust me.
JULIE
Oh yeah? What’s the first thing you
do when you get home? Act it out
for me.
BURKE
I give her a kiss. I hug the kids.
I ask how her day was. Do you know
what she does?
(MORE)

BURKE (CONT’D)
Rolls her eyes at me! Everything I
do! She gets annoyed. Every time I
breathe. Blink. I'm a pile of shit.
JULIE
When was the last time you had sex?
JULIE looks at THOMAS again to see if he looked up. If he
looked at her. He hasn’t- He might as well have not been
there at all.
BURKE
Why does that matter?
JULIE
Women have needs. Not just a man.
You should know that.
BURKE
Julie! I- I'm tired.
JULIE
That's your excuse? You think we
don't get tired? Have you noticed
that Shirley is awake when you get
home. No matter how late you come
home. You know why that is? Cause
she can’t sleep until you’re next
to her.
JULIE gives THOMAS another look. Hoping he’s already looking.
BURKE
She doesn’t want me near her.
JULIE
She does. Trust me. When you two
are out all day- we have plenty to
talk about over the phone.
BURKE
Why doesn’t she just say that?
JULIE
She does. You just have to pay
attention.
BURKE looks over at THOMAS and realizes who she was really
talking to. JULIE notices and her heart breaks. BURKE taps
THOMAS.
BURKE
Earth to Byron! You there buddy?

THOMAS come to the present. He sees in JULIES shrug. That he
missed something.. Again.
JULIE
(to THOMAS)
He hasn’t been...
THOMAS is perplexed.
Silence. JULIE and THOMAS tries to ignore the awkwardness in
the air. But it’s too late. BURKE noticed.
JULIE (CONT’D)
(To BURKE)
I reckon you need a place to stay?
BURKE
Yeah. I'll get a cheap motel for
the night.
JULIE
Nonsense. I'll make up the guest
room.
BURKE
Thanks, Julie.
JULIE
(To THOMAS)
That means you get the couch
tonight.
JULIE steps into the house.
BURKE
It makes me feel better that I’m
not the only one. But ya’ll be
fine.
THOMAS
You sure about that?
BURKE
I’m sure. Y’all just having a day.
You know what helps me through the
day? My kids.
THOMAS
Mine too. How’s yours doing?
BURKE
They're doing good. Little Stacy
just started walking.

THOMAS
Already! That's something you'll
never forget.
Silence.
BURKE
(downhearted)
I missed it... I missed her first
steps.
THOMAS
I’m sorry.
BURKE
Not being there. Broke my goddamn
heart. Being away from them, breaks
my goddamn heart. I leave the house
every day. Praying to god I come
home in time for dinner... But with
this whole shit going on... It
feels like never ending. When are
we going to rest?
THOMAS understands.
THOMAS
Wait here.
THOMAS enters the house.
AFTER a MOMENT he returns with a file in hand. He hands it
off the BURKE.
BURKE opens the file and flips through it.
BURKE
An Impala? It's not an uncommon
vehicle. In all of Austin... This
would take a fucking while.
THOMAS
I’m game if you are- and put an end
to this once and for all. So we can
sleep better at night.
BURKE takes a moment. See’s JULIE from the window making up
the bed.
BURKE
So they can sleep better at night,
Byron.

JULIE’S eyes meets BURKE’S. She stops folding the blanket.
Shame strikes her face. She walks away.
BURKE raises his beer.
THOMAS
(Raises his beer)
For them.
BURKE
Put this to rest.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary On a back porch, Julie, Thomas, and Burke share beers around a fire, where Burke expresses frustration over his wife's feelings of his emotional absence. Julie advises him to be more attentive, while also trying to engage the distracted Thomas, revealing tensions in their own relationship. Burke admits to missing key family moments, prompting an awkward realization that Julie's concerns also apply to Thomas. As they bond over shared regrets, Thomas hands Burke a case file, and they toast to resolving their issues for their families, while Julie, seen through the window, feels a sense of shame.
Strengths
  • Nuanced character interactions
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Subtle plot progression
  • Limited external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively delves into the complexities of relationships and human emotions, creating a tense and reflective atmosphere with strong character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring unspoken tensions and emotional struggles within relationships is effectively portrayed through the dialogue and character interactions.

Plot: 7.5

While the plot progression is subtle, the scene serves as a pivotal moment in revealing the characters' inner conflicts and relationship dynamics.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to exploring relationship dynamics and communication challenges. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with nuanced emotions and realistic interactions that drive the scene's emotional impact and thematic depth.

Character Changes: 8

The characters experience subtle shifts in their emotional states and perceptions, leading to introspection and potential growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Burke's internal goal is to understand and address the issues in his relationship with his partner, Shirley. This reflects his deeper need for connection, validation, and understanding in his personal life.

External Goal: 7.5

Burke's external goal is to mend his relationship with Shirley and improve their communication and understanding. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in his personal life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7.5

The conflict is primarily internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' struggles with communication, intimacy, and personal issues.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, particularly in the characters' personal relationships and communication challenges.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are primarily emotional and relational, highlighting the importance of communication and understanding in the characters' lives.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene focuses more on character dynamics than plot progression, it sets the stage for deeper exploration of relationships and personal struggles.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its emotional revelations and character dynamics, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding relationships and conflicts.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the importance of communication, understanding, and empathy in relationships. Burke's struggle to connect with Shirley despite his efforts challenges his beliefs about what it means to be present and attentive in a relationship.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a strong emotional response through its portrayal of unspoken tensions, disappointment, and empathy, resonating with the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is crucial in conveying the unspoken tensions and emotional struggles of the characters, adding depth to their relationships and personal dilemmas.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional intensity, relatable conflicts, and authentic character interactions that draw the audience into the personal struggles of the characters.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for impactful character interactions and revelations to unfold at a compelling rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, allowing for clear and engaging storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-structured format that effectively conveys the emotional depth and conflicts within the characters' relationships.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses dialogue to reveal character relationships and underlying tensions, particularly Julie's frustration with Thomas, which is subtly conveyed through her repeated glances and indirect advice to Burke. This helps build emotional depth and ties into the broader theme of work-life imbalance in the script, making it relatable for the audience and providing insight into how the characters' personal lives are affected by their professional demands. However, the dialogue occasionally feels overly expository, such as when Julie explicitly advises Burke on attention and needs, which comes across as telling rather than showing, potentially reducing the scene's subtlety and making it less engaging for viewers who prefer nuanced interactions.
  • Thomas's characterization is portrayed through his distraction and silence, which effectively highlights his emotional detachment and internal conflict, mirroring his backstory with his brother's death and current case pressures. This visual and behavioral choice adds authenticity to his arc, but it also risks making him a passive character in this scene, as he doesn't actively participate until the end. This passivity might alienate the audience if not balanced, as it contrasts with his more assertive moments in other scenes, and could benefit from more active demonstrations of his inner turmoil to maintain momentum and emotional investment.
  • The shift from personal relationship discussions to the plot-advancing element of handing over the Impala file feels somewhat abrupt, disrupting the scene's flow. While this integration attempts to blend character development with story progression, it comes across as forced, as the conversation about family and work demands doesn't naturally lead into the case file reveal. This could confuse viewers or make the transition feel contrived, especially since the file ties directly to the central mystery, and better foreshadowing or a smoother segue would strengthen the scene's coherence and pacing.
  • The visual elements, such as the fire illuminating the characters' faces and Julie's shame observed through the window, add atmospheric depth and symbolic weight, emphasizing themes of warmth versus isolation and guilt. However, these visuals are underutilized; for instance, the fire could be more metaphorically tied to the characters' emotional states (e.g., flickering flames reflecting Thomas's unrest), but instead, it serves mostly as a static backdrop. This limits the scene's cinematic potential, and while it effectively ends Act Three's beginning by heightening interpersonal tension, it doesn't fully capitalize on opportunities for more dynamic visuals to enhance the narrative's emotional impact.
  • Overall, the scene successfully conveys the toll of the ongoing investigation on the characters' personal lives, creating a poignant moment of vulnerability among colleagues. Yet, it risks sentimentality with lines like Burke's regret over missing his daughter's first steps, which, while heartfelt, may feel clichéd if not grounded in unique character details. This could dilute the scene's originality, and while it sets up future conflicts (e.g., the Impala lead), it doesn't resolve the immediate awkwardness between Julie and Thomas, leaving a lingering unease that fits the tone but might benefit from clearer resolution to avoid frustrating the audience.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more concise and subtextual; for example, reduce Julie's repetitive advice by combining lines and using actions (like her glances at Thomas) to imply her dual intent, making the conversation feel more natural and less didactic.
  • Enhance Thomas's active participation by adding physical actions or subtle reactions during the dialogue, such as him staring into the fire and clenching his fist, to visually convey his internal conflict and make him a more dynamic presence without altering the core dialogue.
  • Smooth the transition to the case file reveal by planting seeds earlier in the conversation; for instance, have Thomas mention work frustrations casually before handing over the file, creating a more organic link between personal and professional elements and improving narrative flow.
  • Amplify visual storytelling by incorporating more sensory details, like the crackling fire syncing with tense silences or close-ups on characters' expressions during key moments, to deepen emotional resonance and make the scene more cinematic and engaging.
  • Consider tightening the pacing by cutting redundant lines (e.g., Burke's defensiveness about attention) and focusing on high-impact moments, such as the toast at the end, to maintain tension and ensure the scene advances both character development and plot without dragging.



Scene 32 -  Confrontation in Isolation
INT. RUTH'S STUDIO APARTMENT - NIGHT
RUTH enters her apartment. SITTING ON THE COUCH IS THE
HALLUCINATION of ED.
ED
How's it going kiddo?
RUTH
Where were you today?
ED
What?
RUTH
You weren't there at the desert.
Where you usually are. You left me
by myself again.
ED
Ruth-
RUTH
(interrupts)
-Where do you go? You still haven't
answered that question. Where do
you go? Sometimes it's like I'm
talking to myself-
ED disappears. Ruth stands in her apartment ALONE. She feels
ALONE. Something she is already used to by now...
RUTH grows irritated. She takes a seat on a couch in her dark
apartment. She sits- contemplating reality.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, Ruth returns to her dark studio apartment at night and finds the hallucination of Ed on her couch. She confronts him about his absence from their usual desert spot, expressing frustration and loneliness. Ed, confused, tries to respond but is cut off and ultimately disappears, leaving Ruth alone. This intensifies her feelings of isolation as she sits in the dark, contemplating her reality.
Strengths
  • Deep exploration of character emotions
  • Effective portrayal of isolation and inner conflict
Weaknesses
  • Limited external plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively captures Ruth's emotional turmoil and inner conflict, creating a sense of unease and isolation through her interactions with the hallucination of her father.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of Ruth's hallucinations and her ongoing battle with her past and present is intriguing and adds depth to her character.

Plot: 7.5

While the plot progression is minimal in terms of external events, the focus on Ruth's internal conflict adds layers to the overall story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring mental health themes through the use of hallucinations and the protagonist's struggle with perception, adding authenticity to the character's actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Ruth's character is well-developed in this scene, showcasing her vulnerability, frustration, and inner turmoil.

Character Changes: 8

Ruth experiences a shift in her emotional state, showcasing her growing frustration and sense of isolation.

Internal Goal: 8

Ruth's internal goal in this scene is to confront her feelings of loneliness and confusion regarding the hallucination of Ed. This reflects her deeper need for understanding and connection, as well as her fears of losing touch with reality.

External Goal: 6

Ruth's external goal in this scene is not explicitly stated but can be inferred as seeking answers about the nature of her hallucinations and the reality of her experiences.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is primarily internal, focusing on Ruth's struggle with her past and her hallucinations.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, adding depth to Ruth's internal struggles and the narrative.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are primarily internal, focusing on Ruth's mental and emotional well-being.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene doesn't significantly move the external plot forward, it deepens the audience's understanding of Ruth's character.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between Ruth and the hallucination, keeping the audience uncertain about what is real and what is imagined.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the blurred line between reality and imagination, challenging Ruth's beliefs about what is real and what is a product of her mind.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response, particularly in portraying Ruth's sense of loneliness and disconnect.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys Ruth's inner thoughts and emotions, adding depth to her character.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it immerses the audience in the protagonist's psychological journey, creating a sense of intrigue and emotional investment.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, drawing the audience into Ruth's psychological turmoil.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dramatic screenplay, enhancing the scene's emotional impact and clarity.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-structured format that effectively conveys the protagonist's internal struggles and the blurred line between reality and imagination.


Critique
  • The scene effectively highlights Ruth's ongoing struggle with isolation and her reliance on hallucinations, which is a consistent theme in the script. It deepens the audience's understanding of her psychological state, showing how her imagined interactions with Ed serve as a coping mechanism for her loneliness. However, this moment feels somewhat redundant if similar confrontations have occurred earlier, as it doesn't introduce significant new insights into her character development, potentially making it less impactful in the broader narrative arc.
  • The dialogue is direct and functional, conveying Ruth's frustration and confusion, but it lacks subtlety and emotional layering. Lines like 'Where do you go? You still haven't answered that question' come across as expository and on-the-nose, which can reduce the scene's dramatic tension. In screenwriting, dialogue should ideally reveal character through subtext or indirect means, allowing the audience to infer emotions rather than having them stated outright, which could make Ruth's internal conflict feel more nuanced and engaging.
  • Visually, the scene is sparse, relying heavily on description to convey mood, but it misses opportunities to use cinematic elements to enhance the atmosphere. For instance, the dark apartment could be utilized with shadows, lighting effects, or sound design (like the absence of noise emphasizing her solitude) to create a more immersive experience. This minimalism might work for brevity, but in a thriller context, adding more sensory details could heighten the unease and make the audience feel Ruth's isolation more acutely, improving the scene's emotional resonance.
  • Pacing-wise, the scene is concise, which helps maintain the script's momentum as it transitions into Act Three. However, the abrupt cut after Ruth sits down contemplating reality feels unresolved, leaving the audience with a sense of incompleteness. This could be a missed chance to build suspense or provide a stronger emotional beat, especially since the previous scenes (like Ruth's car moment and Thomas's family interactions) set up contrasting tones. Extending or refining this moment could better serve as a pivot point, connecting Ruth's internal world to the escalating external conflicts.
  • In terms of thematic integration, the scene reinforces motifs like loneliness and hallucination but doesn't fully capitalize on opportunities to tie into larger story elements, such as the wind chimes or her father's influence. This could make the scene feel somewhat isolated within the act, rather than advancing the plot or character growth. As a screenwriting teacher, I'd note that while it effectively shows Ruth's vulnerability, it could be more purposeful in foreshadowing her actions in later scenes, ensuring it contributes to the overall narrative drive rather than serving as a standalone emotional pause.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to incorporate subtext or metaphorical language, such as having Ruth reference specific memories or objects related to Ed, to make her confrontation feel more organic and revealing of her psyche, rather than direct questioning.
  • Add visual and auditory elements to enhance the atmosphere, like describing Ruth's physical reactions (e.g., clenching her fists, pacing, or staring at a photo) or using sound design (e.g., creaking floorboards or distant sirens) to underscore her isolation and build tension without extending the scene length significantly.
  • Extend the contemplative moment slightly by including a brief action or internal thought that advances her character arc, such as Ruth glancing at a reminder of her past crimes, to make the scene more dynamic and ensure it transitions smoothly into the next part of the story.
  • Integrate recurring motifs from the script, like the wind chimes or references to her father's death, to create a stronger thematic link and avoid repetition, helping to deepen the audience's emotional investment in Ruth's journey.
  • Consider the scene's length and purpose in the act structure; if it's meant to be a quick beat, ensure it contrasts effectively with surrounding scenes for pacing variety, or if it needs more weight, add a small revelation or decision point that propels Ruth toward her next action in Act Three.



Scene 33 -  FBI Takeover
INT. POLICE STATION - THE NEXT MORNING
THOMAS makes his way to his desk. He notices the sheriff's
office door closed.
THOMAS POV: Through the blinds, He sees a man in a suit
talking to the chief. A few other men in suits are in the
office with him.
He turns to HARTLEY (40's) heavy set individual, who sits
behind a desk all day.
THOMAS
Hartley. What's going on?
HARTLEY
They said they're with the FBI. I
guess when enough people die they
start to give a shit.
The man leaves the office. The man is AGENT SCUDDER (37)
black suit, well built, tall. Confident with a hunter
mentality.
He walks past THOMAS gives him a look and winks. The Sheriff
follows behind, stops at THOMAS.
THOMAS
Who's that?
COOPER
(Mocking)
"Special Agent Scudder, FBI." That
fucking prick!
THOMAS
What's he doing here?
COOPER
He's going to catch our killer. We
were told to stand down... Let
them. I'm tired of this shit...
SHERIFF COOPER walks into his office. THOMAS follows him.
Flustered.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In a tense police station scene, Thomas arrives to find the sheriff's office closed and FBI agents present, indicating a federal takeover of a murder investigation. He learns from Hartley that multiple deaths have prompted the FBI's involvement. Agent Scudder, a confident figure, taunts Thomas with a wink as Sheriff Cooper expresses his frustration about being sidelined by the FBI. The scene highlights the conflict between local law enforcement and federal agents, ending with Cooper flustered as he retreats to his office.
Strengths
  • Introducing a new conflict with the arrival of Agent Scudder
  • Building tension and uncertainty in the investigation dynamics
  • Effective portrayal of weariness and frustration in the characters
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth in the scene
  • Potential lack of clarity on the FBI's motives and impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively introduces a new conflict and raises the stakes by bringing in the FBI, adding tension and uncertainty to the investigation. The dialogue and interactions between the characters convey a sense of defeat and skepticism, setting the stage for further developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of bringing in the FBI to take over the investigation introduces a new direction for the plot, raising questions about the local police's capabilities and the potential impact on the ongoing case.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of Agent Scudder and the shift in the investigation dynamics. The scene sets the stage for further developments and intensifies the conflict, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 7.5

The scene introduces a familiar setting of a police station but adds originality through the dynamic between local police and the FBI, creating tension and conflict. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to the arrival of Agent Scudder reveal their personalities and the challenges they face. Thomas's frustration and Cooper's resignation add depth to their roles, setting up potential conflicts and alliances.

Character Changes: 6

There is a subtle shift in the characters' dynamics as they react to the arrival of Agent Scudder, hinting at potential changes in their roles and relationships. Thomas's flustered response and Cooper's resignation indicate a beginning of character evolution.

Internal Goal: 8

Thomas's internal goal is to understand the situation unfolding in the police station and to assert his role in the investigation despite feeling sidelined by the FBI's involvement. This reflects his need for recognition, competence, and a desire to solve the case to prove his worth.

External Goal: 7.5

Thomas's external goal is to continue investigating the ongoing case despite the interference from the FBI and the orders to stand down. He wants to catch the killer and maintain control over the investigation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict level is high in this scene, with the introduction of Agent Scudder creating tension and challenging the established order within the police station. The clash of authority and the shift in power dynamics elevate the conflict to a critical point.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the arrival of the FBI creating a significant obstacle for Thomas and the local police. The audience is left uncertain about how the power dynamics will play out and who will ultimately control the investigation.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene as the FBI's involvement threatens to overshadow the local police's efforts and potentially impact the outcome of the investigation. The characters face increased pressure and uncertainty, raising the stakes for all involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and altering the investigation dynamics. The arrival of Agent Scudder propels the narrative into a new phase, setting the stage for further developments and revelations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected arrival of the FBI, the tension between local police and federal agents, and the uncertainty of how Thomas will navigate the changing dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict lies in the clash between local law enforcement's traditional methods and the FBI's more authoritative and possibly aggressive approach to solving the case. This challenges Thomas's beliefs in the effectiveness of his own investigative skills and the value of local knowledge versus federal intervention.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The emotional impact is moderate in this scene, primarily driven by the frustration and weariness of the characters. While there is a sense of concern and defiance, the emotional depth is not as pronounced as in more personal or intense moments.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the weariness and skepticism of the characters, as well as the tension surrounding the FBI's involvement. The interactions between Thomas, Cooper, and Agent Scudder are engaging and propel the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, conflict between characters, and the mystery surrounding the FBI's involvement. The dialogue and interactions keep the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in the unfolding events. The rhythm of dialogue and character movements enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character cues, and concise descriptions that enhance visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime drama genre, introducing conflict, escalating tension, and setting up future developments in the investigation. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • This scene effectively serves as a pivot point in the narrative by introducing the FBI's involvement, which escalates the conflict and shifts the power dynamics in the investigation. It highlights the frustration of local law enforcement, particularly through Sheriff Cooper's dialogue, which mirrors the broader theme of institutional failure and personal toll seen throughout the script. However, the scene feels somewhat expository and reliant on dialogue to deliver key information, such as the FBI takeover, which can make it less engaging for the audience. By focusing heavily on telling rather than showing, it misses opportunities to deepen emotional resonance or build suspense visually, potentially leaving viewers disconnected from Thomas's character arc in this moment.
  • Character development is present but underdeveloped; Thomas's reaction to the FBI agent and the stand-down order is subdued, not fully capitalizing on his established backstory of trauma from his brother's unsolved murder. This could be a missed chance to show his internal conflict, such as fear of history repeating itself or resentment towards higher authorities, which would tie into the script's themes of unresolved grief and obsession. Additionally, Agent Scudder's introduction, while intriguing with the wink, lacks depth and comes across as a stereotypical antagonist, reducing the potential for nuanced interpersonal tension.
  • The dialogue, while functional for plot advancement, includes lines that feel clichéd and on-the-nose, such as Hartley's cynical remark about the FBI caring only when 'enough people die' and Cooper's mocking tone calling Scudder a 'prick.' This can undermine the authenticity of the characters and the scene's emotional weight, making it harder for the audience to invest in the conflict. Furthermore, the scene's visual elements are sparse, with descriptions limited to basic actions and POV shots, which doesn't fully utilize the police station setting to create a vivid, tense atmosphere that could heighten the drama.
  • In the context of the overall script, this scene contrasts sharply with the previous one (Ruth's isolation in her apartment), which deals with her psychological turmoil. The abrupt cut from Ruth's introspective moment to Thomas's professional environment works thematically to juxtapose the killer's and investigator's worlds, but it could be smoother or more motivated to avoid disorienting the audience. Additionally, as this is early in Act Three, the scene builds toward climax but might benefit from more subtle foreshadowing of future events, such as Thomas's eventual pursuit, to maintain momentum without feeling rushed.
  • Overall, the scene's pacing is efficient but lacks variation, with a straightforward sequence of events that could be enhanced by adding beats for tension or character reflection. For instance, Thomas following Cooper into the office at the end signals his determination, but it doesn't fully explore the implications for his personal life or the case, potentially weakening the emotional stakes in a story that relies heavily on character-driven suspense.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more visual storytelling to break up the dialogue; for example, show Thomas's growing anxiety through close-ups of his hands clenching or his eyes darting around the station, making the scene more cinematic and less reliant on exposition.
  • Deepen character reactions by adding internal conflict for Thomas; have him briefly flashback to his brother's case or show a subtle physical reaction (like a pause or a sigh) when learning about the stand-down order, connecting it to his personal motivations and enhancing audience empathy.
  • Refine the dialogue to be more nuanced and subtextual; instead of direct statements like 'They're with the FBI,' have characters imply information through actions or indirect comments, such as Hartley shrugging dismissively or Cooper slamming a drawer in frustration, to make interactions feel more natural and engaging.
  • Improve the transition from the previous scene by adding a brief establishing shot or a sound bridge (e.g., carrying over the sound of Ruth's contemplation into the police station's bustle) to create a smoother narrative flow and emphasize thematic contrasts without jarring the audience.
  • Enhance tension and pacing by extending key moments, such as the wink from Agent Scudder, with a slow-motion shot or added reaction from Thomas, and consider ending the scene on a cliffhanger, like Cooper's flustered exit, to build anticipation for the next beat in the investigation.



Scene 34 -  Torn Between Duty and Family
INT. COOPERS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
THOMAS
Sheriff! You gotta be kidding! They
can't just do that!

COOPER
Excuse me?
THOMAS
We're almost there, sir! I can feel
it!
COOPER
(Explodes)
My hands are TIED!
THOMAS
I hear you. But we have a duty!
That's what you told me. We have a
duty to catch this fucker! Do you
know remember saying that?
SHERIFF COOPER SIGHS.
COOPER
Let it go. It’s over. Look at you!
GO HOME! Think of what’s best for
Julie. Be with your family before
she kicks your ass out like Burke.
Where the hell is he anyway?
THOMAS
Following my lead with the impala.
COOPER
Bring him in. We’re done.
THOMAS ponders. Thinking of JULIE. But also... Thinking of
what happened to his brother.
END OF ACT THREE

ACT FOUR
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In Sheriff Cooper's office, Thomas confronts Cooper about an order to halt their investigation into a killer, expressing disbelief and frustration. Cooper, overwhelmed by external pressures, insists that Thomas prioritize his family and abandon the case, warning him of potential repercussions similar to their colleague Burke. Despite Thomas's determination to continue the pursuit, Cooper dismisses him, leading Thomas to grapple with his commitment to the investigation and the unresolved trauma from his brother's fate. The scene ends with Thomas deep in thought, reflecting on his family and the weight of his choices.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tension-building
  • Character depth
  • Plot advancement
Weaknesses
  • Some elements could be further developed for added impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and conflict, advancing the plot while deepening character dynamics. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, conveying the emotional weight of the situation. However, some elements could be further developed to enhance the overall impact.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of duty versus personal struggles is effectively explored, adding depth to the characters and setting up complex moral dilemmas. The scene lays the groundwork for future conflicts and resolutions, engaging the audience with its thematic richness.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene, with key revelations and developments that propel the story forward. The escalating tensions and external pressures create a sense of urgency and set the stage for critical decisions to be made.

Originality: 7.5

The scene introduces a familiar theme of duty versus personal relationships but adds depth through nuanced character interactions and emotional layers. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with their internal conflicts and external challenges driving the narrative forward. The scene deepens our understanding of their motivations and struggles, setting up compelling arcs for future exploration.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional and moral shifts in the scene, grappling with conflicting priorities and facing pivotal decisions. These changes deepen their arcs and set the stage for further development, adding complexity to their journeys.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to fulfill his duty as a law enforcement officer while grappling with personal emotions related to his family and past experiences. This reflects his need for justice and his fear of failing to protect those he cares about.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to catch a criminal, but he is conflicted due to personal issues and the sheriff's orders. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing professional responsibilities with personal struggles.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is palpable, with tensions running high and characters facing internal and external challenges. The clash between duty and personal struggles creates a sense of urgency and sets the stage for dramatic confrontations and decisions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and emotional barriers that challenge the protagonist's decisions. The uncertainty of the outcome adds suspense and complexity to the conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing moral dilemmas, external pressures, and escalating tensions that threaten to upend their lives. The decisions made in this moment will have far-reaching consequences, adding urgency and suspense to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward with key revelations, escalating tensions, and critical decisions that shape the narrative trajectory. It sets up future conflicts and resolutions, advancing the plot while deepening character dynamics.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics and emotional revelations between the characters. The audience is kept on edge about the protagonist's decisions and their consequences.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around duty versus personal relationships. The protagonist must decide between following orders and pursuing justice or prioritizing his family and emotional well-being.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene delivers a strong emotional impact, eliciting feelings of tension, frustration, and empathy for the characters' struggles. The raw emotions and high stakes draw the audience into the narrative, setting up a compelling emotional journey.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is a standout element of the scene, conveying the characters' emotions, conflicts, and relationships with sharp and impactful exchanges. The tension and subtext in the conversations add layers to the narrative, engaging the audience and driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, high stakes, and dynamic character interactions. The audience is drawn into the characters' dilemmas and motivations.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional intensity, with well-timed pauses and confrontational dialogue that enhance the dramatic impact. The rhythm contributes to the scene's effectiveness in conveying the characters' emotions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhances readability and visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a standard structure for a dramatic confrontation, building tension through dialogue and character dynamics. It effectively advances the plot and reveals character motivations.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional core of Thomas's internal conflict between his professional duty and personal life, which is a strong element in advancing his character arc. By referencing his brother's unresolved fate, it ties back to earlier established trauma, providing depth and continuity that helps the audience understand Thomas's motivations. However, the dialogue feels somewhat expository, with Thomas directly quoting Cooper from a previous scene, which can come across as heavy-handed and less naturalistic, potentially disrupting the flow and making the conflict feel told rather than shown.
  • As the conclusion of Act Three, the scene serves as a pivotal turning point by enforcing the stand-down order, which raises the stakes and shifts the narrative momentum towards the antagonists or external forces like the FBI. This builds tension effectively, but the abruptness of Cooper's explosion and the quick resolution might undercut the dramatic weight, leaving the audience with a sense of unresolved intensity that could be more gradually built to create a stronger cliffhanger effect. Additionally, while Cooper's frustration is conveyed, his character could benefit from more nuance to avoid portraying him as a one-dimensional authority figure.
  • The visual and action elements are minimal, with directions like 'SHERIFF COOPER SIGHS' and Thomas pondering, which rely heavily on dialogue to carry the scene. This approach works for intimate, character-driven moments but might lack cinematic flair in a high-tension confrontation. For instance, incorporating more physicality, such as Thomas pacing or Cooper slamming his desk, could enhance the emotional intensity and make the scene more engaging visually, helping readers and viewers better connect with the characters' states of mind.
  • The scene's strength lies in its thematic resonance, exploring themes of duty, family, and the personal toll of law enforcement work, which aligns with the broader script's motifs seen in earlier scenes. However, the reference to Burke feels somewhat tacked on, as it shifts focus abruptly without deepening the immediate conflict, potentially diluting the primary tension between Thomas and Cooper. This could confuse readers if not tied more organically to the ongoing narrative threads, especially given Burke's subplot involving his marital issues.
  • Overall, the scene marks a solid act break by leaving Thomas in a state of indecision, which mirrors his growth throughout the script and sets up potential rebellion in Act Four. Yet, it could be more impactful if it delved deeper into Thomas's internal struggle through subtle cues, such as flashbacks or symbolic actions, rather than just stating his thoughts. This would not only aid in character development but also provide a more immersive experience for the audience, making the critique constructive for the writer while clarifying the scene's role in the story.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to incorporate more subtext and natural pauses, allowing characters to imply emotions through inference rather than direct statements. For example, instead of Thomas explicitly recalling Cooper's words, show his frustration through accusatory body language or a heated glare, making the exchange feel more dynamic and less expository.
  • Add visual and physical actions to heighten tension and convey emotions non-verbally. Include details like Thomas clenching his fists or Cooper leaning back in his chair defensively, which would make the scene more cinematic and help balance the reliance on dialogue, improving pacing and engagement for both readers and potential viewers.
  • Extend the scene slightly to build suspense leading into the act break. For instance, after Cooper orders Thomas to bring Burke in, add a beat where Thomas hesitates or glances at a photo on Cooper's desk symbolizing family, emphasizing his internal conflict and creating a stronger emotional hook before cutting to Act Four.
  • Strengthen character interactions by integrating Burke's subplot more seamlessly. Perhaps have Thomas mention Burke in a way that connects to his own family struggles, fostering a sense of camaraderie or shared burden, which could deepen the scene's emotional layers and make the reference feel less abrupt.
  • Enhance the ending by incorporating a subtle hint of Thomas's future actions, such as a determined look or a quiet vow, to foreshadow his potential defiance in the next act. This would make the act break more impactful and ensure the scene not only concludes Act Three effectively but also propels the narrative forward with clearer setup for escalation.



Scene 35 -  Haunting Whispers
INT. RUTH'S STUDIO APARTMENT - NIGHT
RUTH lays on her bed sleeping. She rolls around as she
breaths heavily.
There is a faint tapping sound.
The tapping gets LOUDER and LOUDER. The third hand of the
RUTH's ticks. It echoes in the apartment.
A dripping sound starts occurring. RUTH gets more frantic in
her sleep. She rolls in her bed.
The sounds of the ticking, tapping and dripping get louder
and increases in speed. She starts breathing very
erratically.
RUTH WAKES and the SOUNDS STOP!
RUTH starts to calm but hears scratching on her floorboards.
RUTH quietly and slowly gets out of bed. RUTH gets down on
the ground and puts her ear against the floor.
VOICE
(faint)
Help. Help.
The scratching becomes clearer. It STOPS. RUTH gets up from
the ground and SALLY AND RICKIE STAND BEHIND HER!
SALLY and RICKIE are ZOMBIFIED. ANGRY! BLOOD pours from
RICKIES slashed throat.
RUTH feels uneasy, knowing something's behind her.
RUTH QUICKLY turns and SALLY and RICKIE disappear. RUTH walks
quickly to her night table and turn on her lamp. NOTHING.
RUTH is relieved.
She lays on her bed and the corpse of her teen bully LAYS
NEXT TO HER! A gunshot wound in his neck. He tries to speak
but coughs up blood.
TEENAGE BOY
(struggles to speak)
I said I was sorry. Look what you
did to me! You’re an animal.
BOBBY shrieks and RUTH SCREAMS!
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Psychological"]

Summary In a nightmarish scene, Ruth is tormented by auditory and visual hallucinations in her apartment. As she struggles to sleep, the sounds of a ticking clock and dripping water escalate her anxiety. Upon waking, she hears a faint voice pleading for help and encounters zombified versions of her past acquaintances, Sally and Rickie, who vanish when she turns. The terror peaks when she discovers the corpse of her teenage bully, Bobby, beside her, accusing her of violence before shrieking in agony. The scene culminates in Ruth's scream, leaving her engulfed in horror.
Strengths
  • Effective use of sound and visuals to create suspense
  • Compelling exploration of psychological horror elements
  • Strong character development for Ruth
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue may limit character interactions and depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through the use of sound and visual cues, creating a palpable sense of dread. It showcases Ruth's psychological struggles and past traumas in a haunting manner, leaving the audience unsettled and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of blending horror and psychological thriller elements to explore Ruth's psychological struggles and past traumas is compelling. The scene effectively conveys a sense of terror and unease, engaging the audience in Ruth's haunting experiences.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene focuses on Ruth's psychological turmoil and past traumas, adding depth to her character and setting the stage for further exploration of her inner demons. It contributes to the overall narrative by delving into Ruth's haunting experiences.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the horror genre by blending psychological elements with supernatural occurrences. The authenticity of the characters' reactions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The scene revolves around Ruth and her internal struggles, showcasing her fears and past traumas through the chilling hallucinations. Ruth's character is developed further, adding layers of complexity and mystery to her persona.

Character Changes: 8

Ruth undergoes a significant emotional journey in the scene, confronting her past traumas and fears through the chilling hallucinations. The encounter with the zombified figures and the gunshot victim triggers a shift in her psyche, adding depth to her character.

Internal Goal: 8

Ruth's internal goal in this scene is to confront her past traumas and fears, as symbolized by the appearance of the corpse of her teen bully. This reflects her deeper need for closure and resolution regarding past events that have haunted her.

External Goal: 7

Ruth's external goal is to understand the source of the mysterious sounds and disturbances in her apartment. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in dealing with the supernatural occurrences around her.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene presents an internal conflict within Ruth, as she grapples with her past traumas and fears manifested through hallucinations. The eerie encounters with the zombified figures and the gunshot victim create a sense of dread and internal struggle.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the mysterious sounds and appearances challenging Ruth's sense of reality and safety, creating a sense of uncertainty and danger.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes in the scene revolve around Ruth's psychological torment and past traumas, as she confronts chilling hallucinations and eerie encounters. The sense of terror and unease heightens the stakes, adding intensity to her internal struggle.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene primarily focuses on Ruth's internal struggles and past traumas, it contributes to the overall narrative by delving into her character development and psychological journey. It sets the stage for further exploration of Ruth's haunting experiences.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected appearance of zombified characters and the twist with the teen bully's corpse, creating a sense of mystery and tension.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around themes of guilt, forgiveness, and the consequences of past actions. The appearance of the teen bully's corpse challenges Ruth's beliefs about her own actions and the impact they have had on others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional impact through its terrifying and suspenseful elements, immersing the audience in Ruth's psychological turmoil and past traumas. The chilling visuals and sounds heighten the emotional intensity of the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but serves to heighten the suspense and fear, particularly through the whispered cries for help and the haunting words of the zombified figures. The dialogue effectively contributes to the eerie atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, supernatural elements, and psychological depth, keeping the audience on edge and invested in Ruth's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of events leading to a climactic reveal, enhancing the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected standards for a screenplay, with clear descriptions of actions and dialogue that enhance the visual and auditory experience for the reader.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured progression of events that build tension and suspense effectively, fitting the expected format for a horror genre scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses auditory elements like the escalating ticking, tapping, and dripping sounds to build tension and convey Ruth's deteriorating mental state, which is a strong horror technique that immerses the audience in her nightmare. However, these sound cues risk feeling clichéd, as they are common tropes in psychological thrillers, potentially reducing their impact if not personalized to Ruth's specific traumas, such as tying them more directly to her past experiences with violence or her father's influence, to make the horror feel unique to her character.
  • The hallucinations of zombified Sally, Rickie, and the teenage bully serve to externalize Ruth's guilt and psychological torment, providing insight into her internal conflict and advancing the theme of her isolation. That said, the abrupt appearances and disappearances may come across as overly reliant on jump scares rather than building deeper emotional resonance, which could alienate viewers if not balanced with more subtle foreshadowing or connections to earlier scenes where her hallucinations began, making the sequence feel more earned and less like a sudden shock for effect.
  • The dialogue from the teenage bully, accusing Ruth of being an 'animal,' is direct and confrontational, effectively highlighting her remorse and the consequences of her actions. Nevertheless, this line feels somewhat on-the-nose and could benefit from more nuance to avoid melodrama; for instance, incorporating Ruth's internal thoughts or fragmented memories could add layers to the accusation, helping the audience better understand her complex relationship with guilt and violence without spelling it out explicitly.
  • As a transition into Act Four, the scene contrasts well with the previous scenes focused on Thomas and the police investigation, emphasizing Ruth's personal horror against the external pursuit. However, this shift might feel disjointed if the pacing doesn't allow the audience to fully settle into Ruth's perspective, potentially disrupting the story's flow; strengthening the connection through visual or thematic callbacks, like referencing the Impala or her father's absence, could create a smoother narrative bridge and maintain momentum from the end of Act Three.
  • The scene's structure, with its build-up of sounds leading to a climactic scream, creates a high-tension moment that underscores Ruth's instability, which is crucial for her character arc. Yet, the resolution ends abruptly without much aftermath or reflection, which might leave the audience wanting more insight into how this nightmare affects her moving forward; exploring her immediate emotional response or physical state post-scream could deepen the scene's impact and contribute to her overall development, rather than treating it as an isolated horror beat.
Suggestions
  • Personalize the auditory hallucinations by linking the sounds to specific elements from Ruth's backstory, such as incorporating the sound of wind chimes from earlier scenes or echoes of her father's voice, to make the nightmare more intimately tied to her trauma and less generic, enhancing emotional depth and originality.
  • Add subtle foreshadowing in preceding scenes to make the zombified appearances feel more integrated, such as brief flashes or auditory hints of Sally and Rickie in Ruth's daily life, to build anticipation and make the reveal more psychologically grounded rather than purely shocking.
  • Refine the dialogue to be less expository by incorporating Ruth's internal monologue or symbolic actions, like her clutching a memento from her past, to convey her guilt more subtly; this could involve rephrasing the boy's accusation to reflect Ruth's distorted perception, making it a more nuanced exploration of her psyche.
  • Improve narrative flow by including a brief visual or thematic link to the police investigation at the start or end of the scene, such as Ruth glancing at a news report on the radio or hearing sirens in her dream, to better connect her internal struggle with the external stakes established in scenes 33 and 34.
  • Extend the scene slightly to show Ruth's reaction after the scream, such as her sitting up in bed, catching her breath, and contemplating the hallucination, to provide closure and advance her character arc; this could include a moment of self-reflection that ties into the overarching themes of isolation and redemption, preparing for the events in subsequent scenes.



Scene 36 -  Descent into Chaos
INT. RUTH'S STUDIO APARTMENT - MORNING
RUTH WAKES UP. She looks around her apartment and everything
is normal. She turns on her lamp. And takes a second look.
She is relieved.
She tries catching her breath. RUTH is in a sweat.
RUTH gets up and walks to her kitchen. She grabs a Twinkie
from her cabinet and starts eating it.
There is a KNOCK ON THE DOOR. RUTH gets startled and doesn't
move. She looks at the door. The door knocks again.
RUTH thinks to herself whether or not she should open it. The
door knocks a third time. RUTH walks quietly to her door.
Slowly she looks out her blinds and sees a COP CAR parked
outside.
RUTH
(whispering)
SHIT! Shit-shit-shit! SHIT! DAMN
IT.
The door knocks again...
RUTH gathers herself and opens the door. BURKE is on the
other side in uniform and sunglasses.
BURKE
Hello ma'am.
RUTH
Hi.
BURKE
Is this your car out front?
BURKE points at RUTH'S Impala parked out front.
RUTH
That car?
BURKE
Yes, ma'am that car.
RUTH
It is.
BURKE
How long have you had the car?
RUTH
It's my dad's. He gave it to me

BURKE
Where is your father? Can I speak
with him?
RUTH
He died... A few years ago.
BURKE
I'm sorry to hear that Ma'am.
What's your name?
RUTH
What's the problem officer? Am I in
trouble?
BURKE
No ma'am. We're just looking for
someone who drives a car just like
that. I'm just asking simple
questions. Your name?
RUTH
Dillon. My friends call me Dill.
BURKE
Dill? Like the pickle?
RUTH
Yeah, like the pickle.
RUTH is a bit shaken. BURKE notices.
BURKE
Are you all alright?
RUTH
I'm fine. Just been under the
weather as of late.
BURKE
And who are your friends with
Dillon?
RUTH
Deborah.
BURKE
You ain't got more friends Dillon?
RUTH
Do I look like I got more friends?
BURKE takes off his sunglasses.

BURKE
Excuse me, ma'am?
RUTH looks at the cop car parked right next to hers.
RUTH
I meant... I don't go out much and
socialize, you know?
BURKE looks at RUTH suspiciously.
RUTH (CONT’D)
Do you want to talk inside? I can
make you some coffee. If you want
to chat some more?
BURKE
That would be lovely.
RUTH swings her door wide open and smiles.
RUTH
Come right in.
BURKE
Thank you.
BURKE walks into her apartment, RUTH closes the door behind
him.
BURKE (CONT’D)
It's kind of dark in here, isn't
it?
RUTH
That's how I like it. How do you
like your coffee?
RUTH walks into her kitchen and digs through her cabinets.
BURKE
I like, whatever. So how long have
you lived here for?
RUTH notices the picture frame of her dad on the countertop
and quickly puts it face down before BURKE sees.
RUTH
Where? In this apartment or Texas.
BURKE
Texas.

BURKE notices RUTH'S unmade bed and dozens of Twinkie
wrappers on the floor.
RUTH
Um, a few years.
BURKE
I need specifics, ma'am.
RUTH pulls out a pot and fills it with water.
RUTH
It's been three years.
BURKE looks around and notices boxes against the walls with
"Bedroom" "Old Stuff" and "Bathroom" labeled on them.
RUTH (CONT’D)
Would you like some sugar?
BURKE
Sure.
BURKE continues to inspect RUTH's small apartment. A few
seconds go by...
RUTH
Oh. Shoot. I think I left the sugar
in the other room. I'll be right
back.
RUTH leaves the kitchen and goes behind a divider that
separates the room. BURKE walks into RUTH's kitchen. He looks
around. A few moments go by.
He notices the picture frame face down. He picks it up and
sees the picture of ED standing in front of the Impala. He's
got a BAD FEELING! He reaches for his gun.
RUTH APPEARS BEHIND HIM and QUICKLY puts a PLASTIC BAG OVER
HIS FACE. The deputy struggles to breathe. RUTH grasps the
bag very tightly. BURKE tries to escape but RUTH is not
letting go.
In a panic, BURKE throws himself onto the ground trying to
get RUTH off. They both FALL TO THE GROUND. He falls on top
of her, IT HURTS!
BURKE tries to rip the bag off of him. But RUTH pulls it back
tightly. They struggle. Now RUTH is on top of BURKE. The bag
slightly comes off his face and he lets out a HUGE gasp for
air.

RUTH grabs onto the bag and FORCES it back onto his face.
RUTH struggles to hold the bag over his face. BURKE reaches
for his gun but RUTH quickly takes it away and throws it
across the room.
With all of her might she continues holding the bag over his
face until finally, he gives out. BURKE DIES! RUTH is out of
breath...
ED walks into the frame behind RUTH and looks at the scene.
ED
That's not good.
RUTH
(Upset)
What do I do? They're going to be
after me now.
ED
You have to run. Probably a lot
further this time.
RUTH
What?-NO! I can't. I'm tired of
running.
ED
What have I taught you? You run to
survive.
RUTH begins crying. She goes in and out of reality. The
apartment is spinning. She thinks... “Is he really here?”
RUTH
I’m sick of fucking running!
ED
Remember that night where I got
shot? You said that exact damn
thing. Look what happened to me!
RUTH
Stop it!
RUTH’s hallucinations are unstable. ED appears in and out.
ED
You hesitated. You were sloppy.
FLASHBACK 1968
SANTA FE:
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a tense morning scene, Ruth wakes up in her cluttered studio apartment, initially relieved but soon anxious as she encounters Officer Burke at her door. After a brief conversation, she lures him inside for coffee, only to violently overpower him and suffocate him to death. Struggling with her actions, Ruth hallucinates her deceased father, Ed, who urges her to flee, but she is emotionally torn and questions her reality. The scene captures her descent into chaos, marked by violence and internal conflict.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Unexpected twist
  • Strong emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Sudden escalation may be jarring for some viewers
  • Limited exploration of Burke's character

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience on edge with unexpected twists and a high-stakes confrontation. The dark tone and fear-inducing atmosphere are well-executed, creating a memorable and impactful moment.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of a seemingly ordinary encounter turning into a suspenseful and violent confrontation is intriguing and well-executed. The scene effectively explores themes of deception, fear, and the unexpected, adding depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in this scene is crucial as it introduces a significant turning point in Ruth's story, revealing her darker side and adding complexity to her character. The unexpected twist adds depth to the overall narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of a confrontation with law enforcement but adds a twist with Ruth's unexpected violent actions. The authenticity of the characters' reactions and the gradual escalation of tension contribute to its originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters in the scene are well-developed, with Ruth's hidden motives and internal conflict adding layers to her personality. The interaction between Ruth and Burke showcases a dynamic shift in power and emotion, enhancing the scene's impact.

Character Changes: 8

Ruth undergoes a significant change in this scene, revealing a darker side of her character and showcasing her capacity for violence. The confrontation with Burke marks a pivotal moment in her development, adding complexity to her arc.

Internal Goal: 8

Ruth's internal goal is to protect herself and her secrets, as seen in her initial fear and subsequent actions to eliminate the threat posed by the police officer. This reflects her deeper need for safety and control over her life.

External Goal: 7.5

Ruth's external goal is to evade suspicion and potential consequences of her actions, as she tries to mislead the officer and ultimately resorts to violence to protect herself.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and high-stakes, as Ruth's actions lead to a dramatic confrontation with Burke. The escalating tension and power struggle between the characters heighten the emotional impact and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Ruth faces a challenging dilemma and a threatening situation that keeps the audience uncertain about the outcome. The conflict between her and the officer adds depth to the scene.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, as Ruth's actions have serious consequences that could impact her future. The confrontation with Burke raises the tension and danger, adding a sense of urgency and unpredictability to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about Ruth's character and setting up future conflicts and developments. It adds depth to the narrative and propels the plot towards new directions.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because it subverts expectations with Ruth's drastic actions and the sudden shift from a tense conversation to a violent confrontation. The audience is kept on edge by the unexpected developments.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around survival instincts versus moral boundaries, as Ruth grapples with the decision to take a life to protect her own. This challenges her beliefs about right and wrong in extreme circumstances.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene delivers a high emotional impact through its suspenseful buildup, shocking twist, and the portrayal of fear and tension. The audience is left feeling unsettled and engaged, creating a memorable and impactful moment.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and unease present in the scene, with subtle hints at Ruth's true intentions and Burke's growing suspicion. The dialogue contributes to the escalating conflict and adds depth to the character interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its suspenseful atmosphere, moral dilemmas, and unexpected turn of events. The audience is drawn into the escalating conflict and Ruth's complex decisions.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict leading to a climactic moment. The rhythm of dialogue and actions contributes to the scene's intensity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to standard screenplay formatting conventions, with clear scene descriptions, character cues, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and visualization.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured progression of events, building tension through dialogue and character actions. It maintains a coherent flow that aligns with the genre's expectations.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Ruth's psychological turmoil and the escalation from mundane routine to violent confrontation, mirroring her character's established mental instability and the overarching themes of isolation and survival. However, the transition from casual conversation to sudden violence feels abrupt, potentially undermining the realism and tension buildup. In screenwriting, a more gradual escalation of suspense could make the audience feel the inevitability of the attack, enhancing emotional investment and surprise.
  • Ruth's dialogue and actions are consistent with her portrayal as a paranoid, hallucination-prone serial killer, but the invitation to Burke for coffee comes across as contrived and overly convenient for plot progression. This moment lacks subtle foreshadowing or internal motivation, which could make her behavior more believable and less predictable. As a screenwriting teacher, I'd emphasize that character-driven decisions should stem from established traits, such as her nervousness or past experiences, to avoid feeling like a plot device.
  • The action sequence during the struggle is vivid and intense, effectively conveying the physicality and desperation of the fight, which helps in visualizing the scene cinematically. That said, the depiction of Ruth overpowering a trained officer might stretch credibility without sufficient buildup of her physical capabilities or the element of surprise. Critiquing this, it's important to balance realism with dramatic needs; suggesting ways to heighten the stakes or add details about Ruth's resourcefulness could improve authenticity and engagement.
  • The hallucination of Ed at the end adds depth to Ruth's internal conflict and ties into the story's exploration of her fractured psyche, but its integration feels disjointed, especially with the spinning apartment and reality checks. This could confuse viewers if not handled with clearer visual or auditory cues to distinguish hallucination from reality, which is a common screenwriting challenge. Strengthening these transitions would better serve the theme of mental instability and provide a smoother narrative flow.
  • Overall, the scene serves as a pivotal turning point, escalating the stakes with Burke's death and foreshadowing Ruth's flight, but it could benefit from tighter pacing in the dialogue-heavy sections. The interrogation feels expository, with Burke's questions directly advancing the plot rather than revealing character or subtext, which might bore audiences. As an expert, I'd advise using dialogue to reveal more about Ruth's backstory and current state subtly, making the scene more dynamic and less tell-heavy.
Suggestions
  • Add subtle foreshadowing earlier in the scene, such as Ruth glancing at potential weapons or showing signs of anxiety through physical actions, to make the attack feel more organic and less sudden.
  • Refine the dialogue to include more subtext and natural flow; for example, have Burke's questions be more casual and probing, allowing Ruth to reveal her nervousness through hesitant responses or deflections, which could build tension gradually.
  • Enhance the action sequence by incorporating sensory details, like sounds of struggling or close-up shots of Ruth's expressions, to increase intensity and make the violence more impactful and realistic within the context of her character.
  • Clarify the hallucination sequences by using visual techniques, such as desaturated color or distorted sound, to differentiate between reality and hallucination, helping the audience follow Ruth's mental state without confusion.
  • Slow down the initial interaction between Ruth and Burke to contrast with the fast-paced struggle, allowing for more character development and building suspense; for instance, show Ruth's internal conflict through voice-over or facial expressions before escalating to violence.



Scene 37 -  Night of Violence
EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
RUTH kneels over a hysterical MAN COVERED IN BLOOD. She
wields a knife. He is FRANTICALLY squirming on the ground!
ED glares behind her intensely!
ED
What are you doing Ruth? Stab him!
RUTH
I’m tired.
ED
Do it!
RUTH stabs the man!
THE MAN SCREAMS FOR HIS LIFE! RUTH is overwhelmed!
ED (CONT’D)
MORE! Look at him! He is still
flopping around like a fucking
fish! MORE!
HER fathers screams startles RUTH. It always does.
IN a PANIC RUTH stabs AGAIN! AGAIN! and AGAIN! UNTIL the
SCREAMING STOPS!
The man is DEAD! RUTH breaks down. ED EXPLODES!
ED (CONT’D)
(Cruel)
WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU! YOU
HESITATED! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
RUTH
I'm sorry! Please don't be mad. I'm
sorry! I- don't know- what- I-
Please don't hit me!
A rookie officer peaks out from a bush, he shines his light
at ED and RUTH! Gun drawn and Pointed.
ROOKIE OFFICER
Freeze! Hands in the air!
The officer moves the light to the ground. Revealing the dead
body. THE BLOOD. He hasn’t seen that much blood before.
ROOKIE OFFICER (CONT’D)
(Terror)
Oh god!

ED pulls out his revolver and fires one quick shot. Blows the
rookies scalp like an exploding watermelon.
Sirens sound from the distance. ED jumps to action.
ED
Fuck! We gotta go RUTH c’mon!
RUTH looks at the dead man. She notices a wedding ring on his
finger. She gives a somber look.
ED gets in the passenger seat of the Impala and honks the
horn. The sirens are close.
ED (CONT’D)
RUTH!
RUTH in tears. Get’s in the car and drives off.
END OF FLASHBACK
BACK TO:
Genres: ["Thriller","Psychological Drama"]

Summary In a haunting flashback to 1968 Santa Fe, Ruth is forced by Ed to stab a bloodied man in the woods, leading to a frantic and emotional breakdown as she complies with his demands. When a rookie officer discovers them, Ed kills him to prevent capture, and they flee as sirens approach, leaving Ruth devastated by the night's brutal events.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Effective portrayal of psychological struggle
  • High level of tension and conflict
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence may be disturbing to some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is highly impactful, effectively conveying Ruth's psychological turmoil and the intense nature of her actions. It creates a sense of fear and tension, drawing the audience into Ruth's disturbing world.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of delving into Ruth's psychological turmoil and the influence of her hallucinations is compelling and adds depth to the narrative. It effectively explores themes of violence, guilt, and the blurred lines between reality and hallucination.

Plot: 9

The plot progression in this scene is crucial as it delves into Ruth's character and her internal struggles. It adds layers to the overall narrative and sets the stage for further developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of loyalty and survival in a criminal setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension and drama of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Ruth's character is intricately portrayed, showcasing her inner conflict and the impact of her hallucinations. The scene effectively develops her character and adds complexity to the story.

Character Changes: 9

Ruth undergoes a notable change in this scene, delving deeper into her dark psyche and the consequences of her actions. The experience leaves her shaken and questioning her reality, adding complexity to her character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to cope with her own emotions and inner turmoil as she is forced to commit a violent act. This reflects her deeper need for acceptance, fear of rejection, and desire for approval from the dominant character, Ed.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to follow Ed's orders and carry out the violent act without hesitation, reflecting the immediate challenge of survival and loyalty in a dangerous situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.5

The level of conflict in the scene is high, both internally within Ruth and externally with the unfolding events. The tension and stakes are palpable, driving the intensity of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external conflicts that challenge her beliefs and actions. The audience is left uncertain about the characters' fates and choices.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as Ruth grapples with intense psychological turmoil and the consequences of her actions. The risk of discovery and the impact on her mental state heighten the tension.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by delving into Ruth's character and the psychological aspects of the narrative. It sets the stage for further developments and adds depth to the overall plot.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden shifts in power dynamics, unexpected violence, and the characters' conflicting motivations. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict lies in the protagonist's struggle between her own moral compass and the demands of a cruel and manipulative figure like Ed. This challenges her beliefs about right and wrong, loyalty, and self-preservation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a significant emotional impact, evoking fear, guilt, and terror in the audience. Ruth's internal turmoil and the disturbing nature of her actions resonate strongly, leaving a lasting impression.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is intense and impactful, reflecting Ruth's internal turmoil and the influence of her hallucination. It effectively conveys the emotions and tension of the moment.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotions, high stakes, and unpredictable developments. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and the escalating tension.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment with impactful emotional resonance. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's intensity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. It enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • This flashback scene effectively captures the traumatic and abusive dynamic between Ruth and her father Ed, reinforcing the script's themes of violence, guilt, and familial manipulation. The vivid description of the stabbing and the officer's death creates a visceral, cinematic experience that immerses the audience in Ruth's past horrors, helping to explain her current psychological state in scene 36. However, the dialogue feels somewhat on-the-nose and stereotypical, with Ed's lines like 'What are you doing Ruth? Stab him!' and 'You hesitated! You can't do that!' lacking nuance or specificity, which could make the scene feel less authentic and more like a generic portrayal of abuse. This reduces the emotional depth, as the audience might not fully connect with Ruth's internal struggle if the conflict is presented too bluntly.
  • The pacing is intense and builds suspense well, particularly with the sudden interruption by the rookie officer and the approaching sirens, which heightens the stakes and mirrors Ruth's panic. Yet, the transition from Ruth's breakdown after the stabbing to the officer's appearance feels abrupt and somewhat contrived, potentially undermining the realism. In screenwriting, smoother transitions can be achieved by adding subtle foreshadowing or sensory cues, such as rustling leaves or distant sounds, to make the officer's emergence more believable and integrated into the scene's flow. Additionally, while the visual elements are strong—e.g., the 'exploding watermelon' simile for the officer's death—they could benefit from more focus on Ruth's emotional perspective, like close-ups of her face or hands, to draw the audience deeper into her trauma rather than just the gore.
  • Character development is a strength here, as it showcases Ruth's hesitation and fear, contrasting with her more detached demeanor in present-day scenes, which helps build her arc. The detail of Ruth noticing the wedding ring on the dead man's finger adds a poignant layer of guilt and humanity, connecting to the script's broader exploration of her victims' lives. However, Ed's character comes across as one-dimensional—purely cruel and domineering—without moments that reveal his own complexities or motivations, which could make him a more compelling antagonist. Since this flashback is referenced in scene 36, it serves to contextualize Ruth's hallucinations, but it risks feeling repetitive if similar abusive dynamics have been shown in earlier flashbacks (e.g., scenes 8-10), potentially diluting its impact unless it reveals new information or escalates the stakes.
  • Thematically, the scene reinforces the cycle of violence and its psychological toll, with Ruth's plea 'Please don't hit me!' echoing her conditioned fear and tying into her current instability. This is well-handled, but the horror elements, while effective, might border on gratuitousness if not carefully balanced; the repeated stabs and graphic death could alienate viewers if they don't directly serve character growth or plot advancement. In the context of the entire script, this scene marks a pivotal moment in Ruth's backstory, but it could be more tightly woven into the narrative by including echoes of present-day elements, such as auditory links to the ticking clock or scratching sounds from scene 35, to create a seamless bridge between past and present.
  • Overall, the scene is a solid piece of horror-drama that advances Ruth's character and heightens tension, but it could improve in subtlety and integration. As scene 37 out of 46, it fits into the act structure (ending Act Three), providing a climactic reveal that propels the story forward. However, the resolution—Ruth and Ed escaping—feels rushed, leaving little room for aftermath or reflection, which might make it harder for the audience to process the emotional weight before cutting back to the present. This could be addressed by ensuring the flashback's length and intensity align with the script's pacing, avoiding overwhelming the viewer with too much violence in quick succession.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to add more specificity and emotional depth; for example, have Ed reference a past event where Ruth's hesitation caused a problem, making his criticism feel more personal and less generic, which would strengthen character relationships and audience investment.
  • Smooth the pacing by adding transitional elements, such as faint sounds of footsteps or whispers before the officer appears, to build suspense and make the interruption feel more organic and less sudden, enhancing the scene's realism and tension.
  • Incorporate more sensory details from Ruth's perspective, like her ragged breathing, the feel of the knife, or the smell of blood, to immerse the audience in her experience and emphasize her trauma, making the scene more empathetic and less focused on shock value.
  • Explore Ed's character further by hinting at his own fears or motivations in a subtle way, perhaps through a brief flashback within the flashback or a line that reveals his backstory, to add layers to his antagonism and make the abusive dynamic more nuanced.
  • Ensure better integration with the surrounding scenes by adding a auditory or visual callback to the present day, such as the sound of sirens echoing in Ruth's hallucination in scene 36, to create a stronger narrative link and reinforce the theme of her haunted past influencing her current actions.



Scene 38 -  Confronting the Past
INT. RUTH’S STUDIO APARTMENT - SAME
RUTH
You're not REAL! My dad is dead.
You're just in my head! Maybe I'm
just crazy!
ED
A little late to admit mental
illness honey, we kill people.
RUTH
I don't know what to do.
ED
Breath, Ruth.
RUTH takes a breath...
ED (CONT’D)
Remember when you were in third
grade and you got lost walking
home?
RUTH
Yes. You were scared shit-less.

ED
I was... But you found your way.
Okay, Ruth? You're going to find
your way.
ED sits next to RUTH. But when she looks up. He’s not
there...
RUTH shuts her eyes. Trying to hear the wind chimes. She
does. She opens her eyes. And there’s Ed.
ED (CONT’D)
You've got to stay strong Ruth. I'm
so proud that you stand up for
yourself.
RUTH
You helped me with that
ED
No. That's all you. I'm just
spectating... Maybe, I helped you
along the way, but you found your
way all by yourself.
RUTH
Thanks, Dad... I'm sorry. I'm sorry
they killed you. It's all my fault.
Now... I’m gonna die too.
ED
That's not going to happen. Now,
you listen to me. This is what
you're going to do.
END OF ACT FOUR

ACT FIVE
Genres: ["Thriller","Psychological Drama"]

Summary In Ruth's studio apartment, she confronts a hallucination of her deceased father, Ed, grappling with her guilt and fear of insanity. Ed, using sarcasm and childhood memories, encourages her to find strength and independence. As they share an emotional exchange, Ruth expresses gratitude and remorse for his death, while Ed reassures her of her resilience. The scene blends introspection and comfort, culminating in Ed beginning to guide Ruth on her next steps, marking the transition to Act Five.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional depth
  • Complex character exploration
  • Psychological suspense
Weaknesses
  • Potential confusion for viewers unfamiliar with the character dynamics

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is highly impactful in terms of character development and emotional depth. It effectively conveys Ruth's inner turmoil and sets the stage for significant revelations and decisions.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring Ruth's internal conflict and her haunting past through hallucinations is compelling. It adds depth to her character and drives the narrative forward with a focus on psychological suspense.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly through Ruth's introspection and interaction with her hallucination of Ed. It deepens the mystery surrounding her past actions and sets the stage for crucial decisions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring themes of grief, guilt, and psychological turmoil through the lens of a surreal and emotionally charged interaction between a character and a manifestation of her deceased father. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9.5

The scene excellently develops Ruth's character, showcasing her vulnerability, guilt, and inner turmoil. The dynamic between Ruth and the hallucination of Ed adds complexity and depth to her persona.

Character Changes: 9

Ruth undergoes significant emotional turmoil and introspection in the scene, grappling with her past actions and seeking guidance from her hallucination of Ed. This internal struggle marks a pivotal moment in her character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Ruth's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with her own inner struggles and fears, particularly her feelings of guilt and responsibility for her father's death. She grapples with her own sanity and seeks reassurance and guidance from the manifestation of her deceased father.

External Goal: 7

Ruth's external goal is to navigate the immediate danger or threat she perceives, possibly related to the people who 'kill' others. She is seeking a way to survive and make sense of the situation she finds herself in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The internal conflict within Ruth, her struggle with guilt, and the tension between reality and hallucination create a high level of psychological conflict. The scene is emotionally charged and suspenseful.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create uncertainty and tension, particularly in Ruth's internal struggle and the blurred boundaries between reality and imagination. The audience is left questioning the outcome and resolution of the conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high for Ruth as she confronts her past actions, grapples with guilt, and seeks guidance from her hallucination of Ed. The scene sets the stage for pivotal choices that will impact her future.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by delving into Ruth's past and internal conflicts, setting the stage for crucial decisions and revelations. It deepens the mystery surrounding her character and propels the narrative towards resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the blurred lines between reality and imagination, the shifting dynamics between characters, and the unresolved tension surrounding Ruth's fate and mental state.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the nature of reality, sanity, and personal responsibility. Ruth questions her own perception of reality and struggles with accepting the truth about her father's death and her own role in it.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene evokes strong emotions through Ruth's vulnerability, guilt, and desperation. The exploration of her past traumas and inner turmoil resonates with the audience, creating a powerful emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys Ruth's emotional state and her internal conflict. The interactions between Ruth and Ed provide insight into her psyche and past traumas.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, surreal elements, and the protagonist's internal struggle. The dialogue and character dynamics draw the audience into Ruth's emotional journey and inner turmoil.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for moments of introspection and character development to unfold naturally. The rhythm of the dialogue and interactions enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the emotional and psychological nuances of the characters' interactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the emotional and psychological journey of the protagonist. The dialogue and character interactions are well-paced and contribute to the scene's overall impact.


Critique
  • This scene effectively captures Ruth's psychological descent and her complex relationship with the hallucination of her father, Ed, serving as a pivotal moment that highlights her internal conflict and guilt. However, the direct confrontation with her mental state feels somewhat heavy-handed, as Ruth explicitly states, 'You're not REAL! My dad is dead. You're just in my head! Maybe I'm just crazy!' This can come across as telling rather than showing, which might reduce the subtlety and impact for the audience, making her turmoil less nuanced and more overt than necessary in a screenplay that already explores these themes extensively through action and flashbacks.
  • The dialogue, while emotionally charged, borders on expository, particularly in the exchange about Ruth getting lost in third grade. This anecdote is a nice touch for character development, illustrating Ed's influence on her resilience, but it risks feeling contrived or overly nostalgic in a high-tension moment. As a reader or viewer, this could disrupt the pacing, pulling focus from the immediate stakes—such as the consequences of her recent killing of Officer Burke—and instead dwelling on backstory that might be better integrated earlier or shown through visual flashbacks to maintain momentum.
  • The hallucination mechanics, with Ed disappearing and reappearing based on Ruth's actions (like hearing the wind chimes), are a strong visual motif that ties into earlier scenes, reinforcing themes of trauma and isolation. However, this could confuse audiences if the rules governing these hallucinations aren't consistently portrayed; for instance, Ed's sudden absence and return might feel arbitrary without clearer cues, potentially weakening the scene's emotional authenticity and making Ruth's reliance on him seem more like a plot device than a genuine psychological element.
  • As the end of Act Four, the scene builds anticipation for Act Five by having Ed instruct Ruth on her next steps, but it lacks a strong cliffhanger or escalation of external conflict. The resolution feels introspective and contained, which contrasts with the high-stakes action in preceding scenes (like the violent flashback in scene 37). This might leave viewers feeling that the act transition is underwhelming, as it doesn't fully capitalize on the mounting pressure from the police investigation, such as hinting at Thomas's pursuit or immediate dangers, which could make the shift to Act Five more abrupt and less engaging.
  • Thematically, the scene deepens the exploration of abuse, guilt, and self-reliance, with Ed's reassurance that Ruth's strength is her own adding layers to her character arc. However, this moment of catharsis—where Ruth apologizes for Ed's death and he comforts her—might feel unearned or rushed given the rapid progression of events in scenes 35-37. For a reader, this could highlight a missed opportunity to build emotional resonance through subtler, more gradual revelations, making Ruth's breakdown less impactful and the scene's role in her development feel somewhat formulaic in the context of the overall script.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more visual and sensory elements to convey Ruth's mental state, such as using camera techniques like shaky shots, distorted sound effects for the wind chimes, or symbolic imagery (e.g., shadows morphing into figures) to show her instability rather than relying on direct dialogue, making the scene more cinematic and immersive.
  • Refine the dialogue to be less expository by showing the third-grade memory through a brief flashback or subtle actions, allowing the audience to infer Ruth's resilience without Ed spelling it out, which would tighten the pacing and enhance emotional depth.
  • Clarify the hallucination rules by establishing consistent triggers (e.g., specific sounds or objects) earlier in the script, and in this scene, add physical reactions from Ruth, like clutching her head or pacing, to make Ed's appearances and disappearances feel more organic and tied to her psychology.
  • Heighten the tension at the act break by introducing an external threat, such as a distant siren or a knock on the door, to connect Ruth's internal struggle with the ongoing police pursuit, creating a stronger cliffhanger that propels the story into Act Five with greater urgency.
  • Extend or intercut the scene with brief flashes of Ruth's violent past (from scene 37 or earlier) to ground her emotional apology in concrete memories, ensuring her arc feels progressive and earned, while balancing introspection with action to maintain the script's overall momentum.



Scene 39 -  Urgent Commands
INT. POLICE STATION - LATER
THOMAS leaves COOPERS office. He make his way to his desk. He
turns on the police scanner on his desk.
THOMAS
Hey, Hartley! Where the hell is
Burke?
HARTLEY (O.S.)
The last thing I heard, he was over
at San Marcos.
THOMAS picks up the mic and speaks into it.
THOMAS
Hey, Burke! Where the hell are you?
ED (V.O.)
First, you're going to get rid of
his body.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a tense police station scene, Thomas searches for Burke, last reported at San Marcos, while communicating with Hartley. As he attempts to reach Burke via radio, Ed's ominous voice-over commands Thomas to dispose of a body, hinting at deeper conflicts and illicit activities, leaving the scene on a suspenseful cliffhanger.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Creating mystery
  • Advancing the plot
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Lack of emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively builds tension and curiosity through the urgent search for Burke, creating a sense of mystery and setting up potential conflicts. The use of the police scanner adds an element of suspense, enhancing the overall atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on the search for Burke through the police scanner, is engaging and effectively sets up potential conflicts and developments. The urgency and mystery introduced add depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced significantly as Thomas searches for Burke, introducing a new element of urgency and potential conflict. The scene effectively sets the stage for further developments and keeps the audience engaged.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the police procedural genre by focusing on interpersonal dynamics and moral ambiguity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic, adding depth to the familiar setting.


Character Development

Characters: 7.5

While the focus is primarily on Thomas and his search for Burke, the scene lacks significant character development. However, Thomas's determination and urgency are effectively portrayed, setting the tone for his character arc.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in this scene, as the primary focus is on setting up the search for Burke and introducing a new element of urgency. Thomas's determination remains consistent, laying the groundwork for potential growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Thomas's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control over a potentially dangerous situation. This reflects his need for order and safety, as well as his fear of losing control in a high-stakes environment.

External Goal: 7.5

Thomas's external goal is to locate Burke, a crucial task in the ongoing police operation. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of coordinating the team's efforts and ensuring the mission's success.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene introduces a moderate level of conflict through Thomas's urgent search for Burke, hinting at potential obstacles and challenges to come. The tension is palpable, setting the stage for heightened conflict in future scenes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Thomas facing challenges in locating Burke and dealing with potential ethical dilemmas. The uncertainty surrounding Burke's whereabouts adds suspense and complexity to the plot.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high in this scene, as Thomas's search for Burke hints at potential dangers and obstacles. The urgency and mystery surrounding Burke's whereabouts raise the stakes and set the stage for heightened conflict.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a new plot element and setting up potential conflicts. The urgency of Thomas's search for Burke adds momentum to the narrative, driving the plot towards new developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden shift in tone when Thomas mentions 'getting rid of his body,' raising questions about the characters' motives and the direction of the plot.

Philosophical Conflict: 6.5

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of the characters' actions. Thomas's decision to confront Burke about 'getting rid of his body' hints at a potential ethical dilemma, challenging his values as a law enforcement officer.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

While the scene lacks significant emotional depth, the sense of urgency and mystery evokes a subtle level of anxiety and anticipation in the audience. The focus is more on tension and suspense than emotional resonance.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue serves its purpose in conveying the urgency of the situation and Thomas's determination to locate Burke. While not particularly memorable, it effectively moves the scene forward and maintains the tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, suspenseful atmosphere, and the sense of imminent danger. The interactions between characters draw the audience into the unfolding drama.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and maintains the audience's interest. The rapid back-and-forth dialogue and actions create a sense of urgency and momentum.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to industry standards for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character cues, and dialogue formatting. This clarity aids in conveying the scene's intensity and urgency.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a police procedural, with clear character interactions, setting descriptions, and a sense of escalating tension. The formatting enhances the scene's pacing and readability.


Critique
  • The voice-over from Ed at the end of the scene creates significant confusion because it directly continues from Ruth's hallucination in the previous scene, but this scene is focused on Thomas in the police station. This abrupt shift in perspective without clear transitional elements can disorient the audience, making it unclear whose internal monologue or hallucination is being presented. As a reader or viewer, this lack of clarity disrupts the narrative flow and weakens the emotional impact, potentially confusing the stakes and character motivations in this pivotal moment transitioning into Act Five.
  • The scene is very short and lacks depth in character development or emotional layering. Thomas's actions—leaving the office, turning on the scanner, asking about Burke, and speaking into the mic—are functional but feel mechanical and devoid of subtext. This makes the scene come across as purely expository rather than engaging, missing an opportunity to delve into Thomas's frustration, guilt, or determination, which could heighten the tension and make the audience more invested in his pursuit of the killer.
  • The dialogue is straightforward and utilitarian, but it doesn't effectively build suspense or reveal character. For instance, Thomas's line 'Hey, Burke! Where the hell are you?' is direct, but without additional context or emotional weight, it feels flat. Combined with the voice-over, which adds irony (since the audience knows Burke is dead), the scene could explore this disconnect more dynamically, but as it stands, it relies on prior knowledge from other scenes without reinforcing the current tension, which might leave some viewers feeling the scene is underdeveloped for its placement near the end of the script.
  • As the first scene of Act Five, it should more strongly escalate the overall conflict and set up the climax, but it feels like a minor beat rather than a turning point. The parallel between Thomas's investigation and Ruth's evasion is hinted at through the voice-over, but the execution is clumsy, failing to capitalize on the potential for cross-cutting or thematic resonance. This could make the act transition feel abrupt and less impactful, reducing the sense of urgency that should build towards the resolution of the story.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the voice-over attribution by intercutting briefly with Ruth's actions or using a visual cue (e.g., a fade or sound bridge) to indicate that Ed's voice is part of her hallucination, ensuring the audience understands the parallel narratives without confusion and maintaining a smoother transition between scenes.
  • Add more internal or external conflict to deepen Thomas's character portrayal, such as including a close-up of his worried expression, a muttered line revealing his fears (e.g., 'Dammit, Burke, answer me'), or a physical action like clenching his fists to show rising anxiety. This would make the scene more emotionally engaging and better integrate it with Thomas's ongoing arc.
  • Enhance the dialogue and action to build suspense more effectively; for example, have Thomas receive static or a partial response on the scanner that hints at trouble, or include a line from Hartley that adds foreboding (e.g., 'Haven't heard from him since this morning—hope he's okay'). This would create a stronger sense of dread and make the irony of Ed's voice-over more poignant.
  • Strengthen the act transition by expanding the scene slightly to include a wider shot of the busy police station or a cutaway to Ruth disposing of the body, emphasizing the escalating stakes. This could help signal the start of Act Five more clearly and tie the subplots together, ensuring the scene serves as a effective pivot point in the narrative.



Scene 40 -  Frantic Disposal
INT. RUTH'S STUDIO APARTMENT - LATER
RUTH wraps BURKE with her rug.
ED (V.O.)
It doesn't have to be perfect, they
already caught up to you. Just
don't leave any of your belongings
behind.
RUTH gathers all of her belongings in a rush, she jams
everything into plastic bags. RUTH trips over the rolled-up
rug with BURKE inside of it.
ED (V.O.)
Wait? It doesn't make sense to get
rid of him. You're not going to
have much time. Just leave him.
RUTH continues to bag all of her belongings.
Genres: ["Thriller","Crime","Psychological"]

Summary In a tense scene set in Ruth's studio apartment, Ruth frantically wraps Burke's body in a rug while packing her belongings into plastic bags, despite Ed's voice-over urging her to abandon the body and escape quickly. The urgency escalates as Ruth struggles with her panic, highlighting the conflict between her determination to cover her tracks and Ed's insistence on prioritizing their escape.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Character depth
  • Psychological complexity
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue
  • Potential for confusion in hallucination portrayal

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through Ruth's frantic actions and the eerie presence of her hallucination. The urgency of disposing of the body and Ruth's internal struggle contribute to a high level of engagement.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of Ruth disposing of a body while grappling with hallucinations and internal conflict is compelling and adds layers to her character. The scene effectively explores themes of guilt, desperation, and psychological turmoil.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced significantly as Ruth takes drastic actions to cover up her crime, showcasing the consequences of her past deeds and the psychological toll it takes on her. The scene contributes to the overall narrative tension and character development.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the dilemma of sacrificing personal attachments for survival, adding authenticity to the characters' actions and dialogue. The conflict between duty and self-preservation is portrayed in a compelling manner.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

Ruth's character is developed further as her actions and interactions with the hallucination of her father reveal her inner struggles and complexities. The scene delves into her psyche and adds depth to her motivations and fears.

Character Changes: 8

Ruth undergoes a significant change in the scene as she grapples with the consequences of her actions and the presence of her hallucination. Her desperation and fear drive her to drastic measures, showcasing a shift in her character.

Internal Goal: 8

Ruth's internal goal in this scene is to protect Burke, as indicated by her frantic efforts to wrap him in the rug and gather her belongings. This reflects her deeper need for safety, security, and possibly a sense of responsibility or attachment to Burke.

External Goal: 7

Ruth's external goal in this scene is to escape quickly without leaving any belongings behind, as advised by Ed's voice-over. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of evading capture or danger.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, from Ruth's struggle to dispose of the body to her psychological turmoil and hallucinations. The high stakes and sense of urgency drive the tension throughout the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ruth facing a difficult decision that challenges her values and puts her in a precarious situation. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as Ruth faces the risk of being caught while disposing of a body and dealing with her inner turmoil. The consequences of her actions and the urgency of the situation heighten the tension.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by showcasing Ruth's desperate attempt to cover up her crime and the psychological toll it takes on her. It adds depth to her character and sets the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because the audience is unsure of Ruth's final decision regarding Burke, creating suspense and emotional tension.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between Ruth's sense of duty or care for Burke and the practical necessity of leaving him behind for her own safety. This challenges Ruth's values of loyalty and compassion against self-preservation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and desperation through Ruth's actions and the eerie presence of her hallucination. The emotional impact is heightened by the character's internal struggles and the high stakes involved.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene serves its purpose in conveying necessary information and internal conflict. While not overly complex, it effectively complements the actions and emotions portrayed by Ruth.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, emotional conflict, and the audience's investment in Ruth's decision-making process. The sense of danger and urgency keeps viewers on edge.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and reflecting the urgency of Ruth's situation. The rhythm of the action and dialogue enhances the emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected standards of screenplay format, enhancing readability and clarity for potential production.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and conveys the urgency of the situation. The pacing and sequencing of events align with the genre's expectations.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys Ruth's frantic state during her escape, building on the established pattern of her hallucinations and obedience to Ed's voice-over, which adds to the psychological thriller elements of the script. However, the repetitive actions—wrapping the body and packing belongings—feel somewhat monotonous and could benefit from more varied pacing to maintain audience engagement. This lack of variation might cause the scene to drag slightly, especially since it's a critical moment in the escape sequence, and it doesn't fully capitalize on the tension by introducing new obstacles or escalating stakes.
  • There is a potential continuity issue with Ed's voice-over that carries over from the previous scene. In scene 39, Ed's V.O. is directed at Thomas ("First, you're going to get rid of his body"), but in this scene, it's clearly aimed at Ruth. This shift could confuse viewers, as it might imply a narrative inconsistency or an unintended crossover between characters' hallucinations. As a screenwriting teacher, I'd point out that while voice-overs can be a powerful tool for internal monologue, they need clear attribution to avoid disorienting the audience and undermining the story's coherence.
  • Ruth's character development is somewhat underdeveloped here; we see her physical actions but not enough of her internal emotional turmoil. Given the script's focus on her traumatic past and deteriorating mental state, this scene misses an opportunity to delve deeper into her psyche, such as through subtle facial expressions, memories triggered by the packing, or a brief flashback that ties into her history with Ed. This could make her more relatable and complex, helping readers understand her motivations beyond blind obedience.
  • Visually, the scene relies heavily on straightforward actions without much descriptive flair, which might make it feel flat on screen. For instance, the moment Ruth trips over the rug could be played for dark humor or irony, but it risks diluting the intense, suspenseful tone established in prior scenes. Enhancing visual elements, like using close-ups on Ruth's hands trembling or the rug shifting to reveal a glimpse of Burke's face, could heighten the horror and emotional weight, making the scene more immersive and impactful for the audience.
  • Overall, while the scene advances the plot by showing Ruth's preparation for flight, it doesn't fully exploit the high-stakes situation to build suspense or thematic depth. As scene 40 in a 46-scene script, it's positioned in the climax of Act Five, where tension should be peaking, but the lack of immediate threats (e.g., sounds of approaching sirens or external interruptions) makes it feel isolated. This could weaken the narrative momentum, as the script's themes of isolation, violence, and hallucination are present but not as potently reinforced as they could be.
Suggestions
  • To improve pacing, incorporate more dynamic elements such as quick cuts between Ruth's actions and external sounds (e.g., distant sirens or a knock on the door) to heighten urgency and prevent the scene from feeling repetitive. This would make the escape feel more immediate and engaging.
  • Clarify the voice-over continuity by ensuring Ed's lines are distinctly tied to Ruth's hallucinations, perhaps by adding a transitional beat or a line of dialogue that re-establishes whose perspective we're in. For example, start the scene with a shot of Ruth hearing the voice in her head, explicitly linking it to her internal world.
  • Add layers to Ruth's character by including a brief internal monologue or a visual cue (like her glancing at a photo of her father) that connects her current actions to past traumas, deepening the emotional resonance and making her internal conflict more apparent to the audience.
  • Enhance visual storytelling by using cinematic techniques, such as shaky camera work during the struggle or symbolic imagery (e.g., the rug unraveling slightly to represent her unraveling sanity), to make the scene more vivid and thematically rich without overloading the script with unnecessary dialogue.
  • Increase stakes by introducing a small obstacle, like Ruth hearing a noise outside or realizing she's forgotten an item, which forces a quick decision and adds tension. This would better integrate the scene into the larger narrative arc, ensuring it contributes to the building climax and reinforces the script's themes of survival and psychological decline.



Scene 41 -  Ruth's Desperate Escape
INT. THOMAS'S CAR - LATER
THOMAS drives past a sign reading, "Welcome to San Marcos"

EXT. RUTH'S STUDIO APARTMENT
ED (V.O.)
Ditch the car! You have to leave
it. They'll know what to look for
and they'll find you.
RUTH looks at her Impala, saddened to leave it behind.
ED (V.O.)
You have to steal one of these
cars.
RUTH looks at the car parked next to hers. A 1973 Chevrolet
Nova.
She breaks the driver's side window! She gets in the car a
notice keys on the passenger's seat and the car was ALREADY
UNLOCKED. She starts the engine.
MRS. CURTIS (80) the snarky old senile landlord sees RUTH
leaving in a rush through her window. She opens her window.
RUTH starts putting the plastic bags into the trunk.
MRS. CURTIS grows suspicious. She gets up from her couch.
‘Dallas’ is playing on TV.
MRS. CURTIS
Excuse me?! Excuse me?!
ED (V.O.)
Don't panic act natural.
RUTH smiles at Mrs. Curtis.
RUTH
Hi! Yes?
MRS. CURTIS looks at RUTH very suspiciously.
MRS. CURTIS
What are you doing?
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In this tense scene, Thomas drives into San Marcos while Ruth, under the guidance of Ed's voice over, prepares to abandon her car and steal a nearby 1973 Chevrolet Nova. As she breaks the window and discovers the car is unlocked, she hurriedly loads her belongings into the trunk. However, her elderly landlord, Mrs. Curtis, becomes suspicious and confronts her, creating a moment of heightened tension as Ruth tries to maintain her composure amidst the urgency of her escape.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Creating urgency
  • Character development through action
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through Ruth's actions and the looming threat of discovery. It keeps the audience engaged with the high stakes and Ruth's escalating panic, leading to a compelling sequence.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Ruth's desperate escape is executed well, highlighting the character's resourcefulness and determination to evade capture. The scene effectively conveys the urgency of the situation and the risks involved.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly as Ruth makes a critical decision to steal a car and flee, setting up a major turning point in her story. The scene propels the narrative forward and raises the stakes for the character.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar situation of a character stealing a car but adds tension through the nosy neighbor character and the unexpected ease of stealing the car. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Ruth's character is developed further through her actions in this scene, showcasing her quick thinking and ability to adapt under pressure. The interaction with Mrs. Curtis adds depth to the tension and highlights Ruth's ability to maintain composure.

Character Changes: 8

Ruth undergoes a significant change in this scene as she transitions from a state of hesitation to decisive action, showcasing her ability to adapt and survive under pressure. The scene marks a turning point in Ruth's character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Ruth's internal goal in this scene is to escape quickly and evade detection. This reflects her deeper need for survival and freedom, as well as her fear of being caught or harmed.

External Goal: 7

Ruth's external goal is to steal a car and leave the area to avoid being found. This goal reflects the immediate challenge she faces of escaping her current situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict in the scene is high, with Ruth facing the imminent threat of discovery and the need to act quickly to escape. The tension between Ruth and Mrs. Curtis adds an additional layer of conflict, heightening the stakes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Mrs. Curtis providing a challenging obstacle for Ruth to overcome, adding suspense and uncertainty to the situation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are extremely high in this scene as Ruth faces the risk of being caught and must make a life-changing decision to escape. The consequences of failure are dire, adding intensity and urgency to the situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the story by pushing Ruth into a critical situation where she must make a daring escape, setting the stage for further developments in her narrative arc. The scene propels the plot forward with a sense of urgency and danger.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected ease with which Ruth steals the car and the potential threat posed by Mrs. Curtis, adding layers of uncertainty to the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Ruth's need for self-preservation and Mrs. Curtis' sense of duty or nosiness. This challenges Ruth's values of independence and secrecy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, suspense, and empathy for Ruth's predicament, drawing the audience into her desperate situation. Ruth's emotional turmoil and the high stakes contribute to the impactful emotional resonance of the scene.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and tension of the scene, with minimal but impactful interactions between Ruth and Mrs. Curtis. The dialogue serves the purpose of escalating the conflict and maintaining the suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, heightened stakes, and the sense of danger that keeps the audience on edge.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, with a sense of urgency driving the action forward and maintaining the tension throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a suspenseful moment in a screenplay, building tension through actions and dialogue while maintaining a clear progression of events.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through Ruth's desperate escape and the suspicious landlord, Mrs. Curtis, which ties into the overarching theme of pursuit and evasion in the script. However, the abrupt shift from Thomas driving into San Marcos to Ruth's apartment exterior feels disjointed and could confuse the audience, as it lacks a clear transitional purpose or emotional connection between the two characters' storylines at this moment. This jump might dilute the focus on Ruth's high-stakes situation, which is the core of the scene, and could be better integrated or justified to maintain narrative momentum.
  • A significant issue is the plot convenience of the 1973 Chevrolet Nova being unlocked with keys inside, which undermines the realism and tension. In a story filled with gritty, violent elements, this detail comes across as contrived, reducing the audience's investment in Ruth's resourcefulness and making her escape feel too easy. This could be seen as a missed opportunity to showcase Ruth's survival skills or add more conflict, especially given her character's history of calculated actions in earlier scenes.
  • The use of Ed's voice-over is a strong tool for illustrating Ruth's internal conflict and hallucinations, but in this scene, it dominates the action and may feel repetitive if overused throughout the script. While it effectively conveys her psychological state, the voice-over instructions (e.g., 'Don't panic, act natural') come across as overly directive, potentially telling rather than showing the audience Ruth's emotions. This could make her character less nuanced, as her reactions feel guided rather than organic, diminishing the impact of her agency in the escape.
  • The interaction with Mrs. Curtis adds a layer of immediate danger and suspicion, which is well-timed to heighten stakes, but the dialogue and description are somewhat underdeveloped. Mrs. Curtis's suspicion is conveyed through basic actions and lines, but there's little depth to her character or the exchange, making it feel like a generic obstacle rather than a meaningful confrontation. Additionally, Ruth's response—smiling and saying 'Hi! Yes?'—is a good attempt at showing her attempt to act natural, but it could be more layered to reflect her anxiety and the influence of Ed's voice-over, better connecting to her traumatic backstory.
  • Overall, the scene's pacing is brisk and suspenseful, fitting for a climax-building moment in Act Five, but it sacrifices emotional depth for speed. Ruth's sadness about leaving the Impala is a poignant touch that links back to her father's influence, but it's quickly overshadowed by the action, leaving little room for the audience to process her grief or internal struggle. This could make the scene feel more like a checklist of plot points (ditch car, steal new one, evade suspicion) rather than a character-driven sequence, potentially weakening the script's exploration of themes like isolation and inherited violence.
Suggestions
  • Streamline the opening shot of Thomas driving by either removing it if it's not essential to the immediate plot or linking it more directly to Ruth's actions, such as using a cross-cut that shows Thomas's approach building parallel tension, to create a smoother transition and heighten the sense of pursuit.
  • Make the car theft more challenging and realistic by having Ruth hotwire the Nova or face an obstacle, such as a passerby or a faulty engine, to increase tension and demonstrate her resourcefulness, which would make her character feel more proactive and aligned with her established traits from earlier scenes.
  • Reduce reliance on Ed's voice-over by incorporating more visual and physical cues for Ruth's internal conflict, such as close-ups of her facial expressions, hesitant movements, or subtle flashbacks, to show rather than tell her emotional state, allowing the audience to infer her thoughts and making the scene less expository.
  • Expand the dialogue and interaction with Mrs. Curtis to add depth and suspense; for example, have Ruth engage in a brief, tense conversation that reveals more about her cover story or forces her to improvise, which could heighten the stakes and provide insight into her manipulative skills developed from her past.
  • Slow down key moments, like Ruth's farewell to the Impala, by adding a brief pause for reflection or a sensory detail (e.g., her touching the car door or hearing a faint memory sound), to emphasize her emotional attachment and give the audience a chance to connect with her character, balancing the action with deeper psychological insight.



Scene 42 -  Tension at the Threshold
INT. THOMAS'S CAR
THOMAS continues driving. He passes by teenagers hanging out
at a diner with motorcycles.

EXT. RUTH'S STUDIO APARTMENT
RUTH
I'm in a bit of a hurry. Can we
talk about this later?
MRS. CURTIS
Stop right there!
MRS. CURTIS exits her apartment. She walks towards RUTH. RUTH
looks at her anxiously.
RUTH IS GRABBING HER BARELY VISIBLE KNIFE THAT IS TUCKED
UNDER HER SHIRT.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In Scene 42, Thomas drives past a group of teenagers at a diner, setting a mundane backdrop before shifting to Ruth's studio apartment. Ruth, feeling rushed, tells Mrs. Curtis she wants to discuss something later, but Mrs. Curtis, suspicious of Ruth's behavior, confronts her directly. As Mrs. Curtis approaches, Ruth anxiously reaches for a knife hidden under her shirt, indicating potential danger. The scene ends abruptly, leaving the tension between the two women unresolved.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue
  • Potential for clichéd resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the interaction between Ruth and Mrs. Curtis, utilizing elements like the hidden knife and the unexpected confrontation to keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of a tense confrontation with a hidden weapon adds a layer of complexity to the scene, heightening the stakes and showcasing Ruth's precarious situation.

Plot: 8

The scene contributes to the overall plot by introducing a moment of conflict that pushes Ruth into a critical decision-making situation. It sets the stage for potential consequences and further developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar confrontation but adds a unique element with Ruth's hidden knife, creating a fresh take on a tense situation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

Ruth's anxiety and Mrs. Curtis's suspicion are well-portrayed, adding depth to their characters and setting the stage for a potentially pivotal moment in the story.

Character Changes: 7

While there is no explicit character change in this scene, the confrontation with Mrs. Curtis may push Ruth towards making critical decisions that could impact her character arc in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

Ruth's internal goal in this scene is to protect herself or maintain control of the situation. Her grabbing the knife reflects her fear and the need to defend herself.

External Goal: 7.5

Ruth's external goal is to navigate the confrontation with Mrs. Curtis and potentially diffuse the situation without escalating it.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, with Ruth's hidden knife and Mrs. Curtis's suspicion creating a palpable sense of danger and uncertainty. The confrontation raises the stakes for Ruth and adds complexity to the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ruth facing a challenging situation that could have significant consequences, keeping the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene are evident through Ruth's concealed knife, Mrs. Curtis's suspicion, and the potential consequences of their interaction. The outcome of this confrontation could have significant repercussions for Ruth.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and raising the stakes for Ruth. It sets the stage for potential consequences and further developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of Ruth's hidden knife and the uncertain outcome of the confrontation with Mrs. Curtis.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene could be the clash between self-preservation and moral values. Ruth's decision to arm herself with a knife challenges traditional beliefs about conflict resolution.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear and anxiety in the audience, drawing them into Ruth's precarious situation and setting a tense tone for the unfolding events.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue is concise and serves the purpose of escalating tension between Ruth and Mrs. Curtis. It effectively conveys the urgency and danger of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the escalating tension, the potential for conflict, and the characters' hidden motives and actions.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and maintains the audience's interest through the characters' interactions and the unfolding confrontation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, clearly delineating the different locations and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a standard structure for a tense confrontation, building suspense through character interactions and actions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively heightens tension through the confrontation between Ruth and Mrs. Curtis, capturing Ruth's anxiety and the escalating suspicion, which aligns with the overall thriller elements of the script. However, the abrupt cut away after Mrs. Curtis demands Ruth stop feels unresolved, potentially leaving the audience frustrated as it builds suspense without payoff, especially in a late-stage scene where momentum is critical for maintaining engagement in the chase sequence.
  • The opening shot of Thomas driving past teenagers serves as a transitional element to show parallel storylines, but it feels disconnected and somewhat superfluous. This intercut might dilute the focus on Ruth's immediate peril, as the teenagers add little to the narrative or character development, and it could disrupt the pacing by shifting attention away from the high-stakes escape unfolding with Ruth.
  • Dialogue in the scene is minimal and functional, which can work for suspense, but it lacks depth and opportunity for character revelation. Ruth's line about being in a hurry is evasive, fitting her character, but it doesn't fully capitalize on her psychological complexity—such as her hallucinations or guilt—to make the interaction more layered and emotionally resonant, which might help readers and viewers better understand her internal conflict.
  • The action description of Ruth grabbing her knife is a strong visual cue for potential violence, building on her established character as a serial killer. However, the phrase 'barely visible' could be problematic in visual storytelling, as it might not translate clearly on screen, leading to confusion about the threat level or requiring additional directorial interpretation, which could weaken the scene's impact if not handled carefully in production.
  • As part of Act Five, this scene advances the plot by intensifying Ruth's escape and the pursuit dynamic, but its brevity (only a few lines) makes it feel like a missed opportunity for deeper tension or character insight. In the context of the entire script, where themes of trauma, pursuit, and moral ambiguity are prominent, this scene could better tie into those elements to heighten emotional stakes, rather than serving primarily as a setup for the next action.
Suggestions
  • Extend the confrontation between Ruth and Mrs. Curtis by adding a line or two of dialogue that reveals more about Ruth's mental state, such as a subtle reference to her hallucinations (e.g., Ruth glancing at the empty air where Ed might appear), to build suspense and deepen character insight without slowing the pace.
  • Reevaluate the inclusion of Thomas's driving segment; if it's essential for parallel editing, make it more relevant by showing him reacting to a clue or radio transmission that directly ties to Ruth's actions, or consider cutting it to maintain focus on Ruth and streamline the scene's tension.
  • Enhance the dialogue to be more nuanced and character-driven; for example, have Mrs. Curtis's suspicion manifest in specific questions about Ruth's unusual behavior (e.g., 'Why are you loading up your car in the middle of the day?'), which could force Ruth to lie or deflect in a way that highlights her instability and adds psychological depth.
  • Refine the visual description of Ruth grabbing the knife to make it more cinematic and clear; describe her hand movements or facial expressions in more detail (e.g., 'Ruth's hand trembles as she subtly grips the knife handle under her shirt, her eyes wide with anxiety'), ensuring the audience feels the threat without ambiguity.
  • To improve the scene's impact and flow, motivate the cut away more explicitly, perhaps by incorporating a sound bridge (like a distant siren or Ruth's heightened breathing) that links to the next scene, making the transition smoother and maintaining the script's overall pacing and suspense.



Scene 43 -  Desperate Pursuit
INT. THOMAS'S CAR - LATER
THOMAS drives past apartment buildings. He looks around and
notices BURKE'S squad car parked next to the Impala. THOMAS
drives up to the apartment.
HE gets out of his car and then notices the door to RUTH's
apartment getting blown open, inside lays DEAD DEPUTY BURKE.
THOMAS QUICKLY pulls out his gun and runs inside.
THOMAS
Shit! Burke! Hey! Burke?
THOMAS checks for a pulse. BURKE is DEAD. THOMAS runs back
into his car and speaks on the radio.
THOMAS (CONT’D)
I need units to Rear-view
apartments in San Marcos. We have
an officer down!
MRS. CURTIS opens her door, she startles DEPUTY THOMAS.
MRS. CURTIS
Why the hell are you yelling! I’m
trying to watch my show.
MRS. CURTIS notices THOMAS’S gun.
MRS. CURTIS (CONT’D)
RAY slept with your wife too?
Referencing the episode of Dallas. THOMAS is confused but
realizes she is senile.

THOMAS
(ignores her)
Ma'am! Who lives here?
MRS. CURTIS
WHAT?
THOMAS
WHO'S apartment, is it?
MRS. CURTIS
Who wants to know?
THOMAS
Ma’am Look at me! I’m a police
officer. I need to know who lives
in that apartment.
MRS. CURTIS
There? No one lives there. Not
anymore.
THOMAS
When did they move out?
MRS. CURTIS
Well, you just missed her. She left
in quite a hurry. Broke her lease
and paid all in cash.
THOMAS
Who is she? What’s her name?
MRS. CURTIS
Dillion- something. I forgot. I
have to look at my files. Is she in
some sort of trouble or something?
Wait... It was JR wasn’t it? He
slept with her.
THOMAS notices broken glass on the ground. He points at it.
THOMAS
Did you see what car she drove off
in? Was it parked here?
MRS. CURTIS
Well. Ya...
THOMAS
Which way did she go?

INT. CHEVROLET NOVA - LATER
RUTH drives over the speed limit. She looks over her shoulder
to make sure no one's following her. She enters the freeway.
She passes a sign reading, "MEXICO Next 500 miles"
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In this tense scene, Deputy Thomas discovers the body of his colleague, Deputy Burke, in a blown-open apartment, prompting him to call for backup. While questioning the confused neighbor, Mrs. Curtis, he learns that a woman named Ruth has fled the scene in a hurry. The scene shifts to Ruth driving her Chevrolet Nova, anxiously trying to escape as she heads towards Mexico, heightening the urgency of Thomas's investigation.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Mystery elements
  • Character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Abrupt ending

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through the discovery of the dead deputy, the interaction with the senile neighbor, and the sudden disappearance of the tenant. The pacing keeps the audience engaged, and the unfolding events create a sense of mystery and urgency.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around a sudden discovery of a dead deputy in Ruth's apartment, leading to a series of interactions that unveil a mysterious disappearance. The concept is intriguing and sets the stage for further developments in the storyline.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is crucial in advancing the narrative by introducing a significant event - the death of the deputy - and setting up subsequent conflicts and revelations. The scene effectively moves the story forward and raises the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the detective genre by incorporating elements of humor and unexpected character interactions. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds originality to the familiar setting of a crime investigation.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene, particularly Thomas and Mrs. Curtis, are well-defined and contribute to the overall atmosphere and tension. Thomas's reactions to the discovery and Mrs. Curtis's senile behavior add depth to the interactions and enhance the scene's impact.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, Thomas's reactions to the discovery of the dead deputy hint at potential shifts in his motivations and actions as the story progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind the mysterious events unfolding at Ruth's apartment. This reflects his need for justice, his fear of failure in protecting others, and his desire to solve the case to bring closure.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to track down the suspect who fled the scene and ensure the safety of the community. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of apprehending a potentially dangerous individual and restoring order.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene maintains a high level of conflict through the discovery of the dead deputy, the interactions with Mrs. Curtis, and the mystery surrounding the missing tenant. The conflicts drive the narrative forward and keep the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing obstacles in the form of a mysterious suspect, a senile witness, and the urgency of the situation, keeping the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene due to the discovery of the dead deputy, the mysterious disappearance of the tenant, and the escalating tension between Thomas and Mrs. Curtis. The characters are faced with critical decisions and potential dangers, raising the stakes for the unfolding events.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a major event - the death of the deputy - and setting up new conflicts and revelations. The scene propels the narrative towards further developments and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected interactions between characters, the sudden revelation of the crime scene, and the mysterious nature of the suspect's escape.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of justice, memory, and perception. Mrs. Curtis's senility challenges Thomas's beliefs in the reliability of information and the complexities of human memory.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene delivers a strong emotional impact through the tense and suspenseful atmosphere, as well as the sudden revelation of the dead deputy. The audience is drawn into the characters' reactions and the unfolding mystery, heightening the emotional engagement.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, especially in Thomas's urgent exchanges with Mrs. Curtis. The dialogue enhances the suspense and mystery of the unfolding events.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, intriguing mystery, and witty dialogue that keeps the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, creating a sense of urgency and momentum that drives the narrative forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format typical of a crime investigation genre, with clear progression of events, character introductions, and escalating tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds suspense through Thomas's discovery of Burke's body and his urgent call for backup, which heightens the stakes in the pursuit narrative. However, the transition from Thomas noticing the blown-open door to finding the body feels somewhat abrupt, lacking buildup that could amplify emotional impact and make the moment more visceral for the audience. This could be improved by adding subtle foreshadowing or sensory details, such as Thomas hearing suspicious sounds or seeing blood trails, to create a slower burn of tension rather than a quick reveal, helping readers better understand the character's growing dread and the scene's role in the larger thriller elements of the screenplay.
  • The interaction with Mrs. Curtis introduces comic relief through her senility and references to the TV show 'Dallas', which contrasts with the scene's otherwise serious and tense tone. While this adds character depth and realism to her portrayal, it risks undermining the gravity of discovering a dead officer, potentially confusing viewers or diluting the urgency. For instance, lines like 'RAY slept with your wife too?' feel stereotypical and may not serve the plot beyond establishing her confusion, making the scene feel disjointed. A critique for improvement is to ensure that such elements enhance the story without breaking immersion, perhaps by tying her dialogue more directly to the investigation or using it to reveal key information in a less humorous way, allowing readers to grasp how secondary characters contribute to the narrative's tension without overshadowing the main conflict.
  • Thomas's dialogue and actions are consistent with his character as a dedicated deputy, showing frustration and professionalism, but the scene could benefit from more emotional depth to make his reactions more relatable and human. For example, after confirming Burke's death, Thomas's immediate shift to calling for backup is pragmatic, but adding a brief moment of shock, grief, or internal conflict—such as a quick flashback to their earlier interactions or a physical reaction like trembling hands—would enrich the character's arc and help audiences connect with his personal stake in the case. This scene is pivotal in advancing the plot toward Ruth's escape, but it could better integrate character development to avoid feeling purely plot-driven, ensuring that readers see how this event affects Thomas beyond the immediate action.
  • The cut to Ruth driving away provides a parallel structure that maintains momentum across the storylines, effectively showing the cat-and-mouse dynamic. However, the scene's ending with Mrs. Curtis's vague responses about Ruth's escape vehicle feels somewhat anticlimactic, as it doesn't fully resolve the information Thomas gains, leaving some loose ends that might frustrate viewers. Additionally, the visual elements, like the broken glass, are good for clues, but they could be more emphasized to guide the audience's attention and foreshadow future events, such as Thomas piecing together Ruth's method of escape. Overall, while the scene successfully escalates the chase, refining these aspects would make it more cohesive and impactful within the screenplay's thriller genre.
Suggestions
  • Add more sensory details and internal thoughts for Thomas during the discovery of Burke's body to build tension and emotional depth, such as describing his heart racing or a brief pause to process the scene, making the moment more immersive and less rushed.
  • Refine Mrs. Curtis's dialogue to be less reliant on stereotypical senility humor; instead, use her confusion to subtly advance the plot, like having her accidentally reveal a key detail about Ruth's appearance or habits, ensuring it contributes to the tension without lightening the mood inappropriately.
  • Incorporate a short beat of character reflection for Thomas after finding the body, such as a line of voice-over or a facial expression showing his connection to past traumas (like his brother's death), to deepen his motivation and tie into the overarching themes of loss and justice.
  • Extend the ending slightly to clarify the information exchange with Mrs. Curtis, perhaps by having her provide a more specific clue about the car Ruth stole, or cut to a closer shot of the broken glass to emphasize its importance, improving plot coherence and reducing ambiguity for the audience.
  • Balance the scene's pacing by slowing down the initial discovery for dramatic effect and speeding up the dialogue with Mrs. Curtis to maintain urgency, ensuring the scene flows better and keeps viewers engaged without unnecessary digressions.



Scene 44 -  Jurisdictional Tensions at the Crime Scene
EXT. RUTH'S STUDIO APARTMENT - EVENING
The apartment complex is closed down by the police. Red and
Blue flashes light up the buildings. Caution Tape is wrapped
around RUTH's apartment.
Inside, coroners are taking pictures of dead BURKE and
examining his body. THOMAS stands disheartened, looking at
the crime scene from outside of the door.
Behind him, pulls up SHERIFF COOPER'S Dodge Monaco. THOMAS
hears the wheels grinding on the dirt and turns around.
SHERIFF COOPER exits his car with a critical look.
COOPER
How did this happen?
THOMAS
Burke was suffocated with a plastic
bag. Suspect left west about 45
minutes ago.
COOPER
Our guy?
THOMAS
A woman. She’s smart. Probably
trained.
COOPER
Dangerous. She can go undetected.
Someone no one would suspect.
COOPER takes a second to himself. In disbelief.
Four dark, tinted cars pull up behind the Sheriff and Deputy.
Men with suits exit the cars - including, AGENT SCUDDER.
SCUDDER
(To Cooper)
Sheriff! You have a bit of a mess
here.
COOPER
I am fully aware of that.

AGENT SCUDDER walks to the Sheriff and DEPUTY THOMAS. AGENT
SCUDDER offers THOMAS a handshake
SCUDDER
Agent Scudder. FBI
THOMAS
I know who you are. You stick out
like a sore thumb wearing those
suits out in the desert.
SCUDDER
(amused)
Well. We like to keep things
professional and we clean up messes
and by the looks of it, you made
one hell of a fucking mess. How
many dead now?
THOMAS
(gets in SCUDDER'S face)
You arrogant FUCK!
COOPER
Deputy, this is not the time!
SCUDDER
Look. We want the same thing. No
need for the hostility.
COOPER
I'm sorry for the way Deputy Thomas
is acting. We just lost a good man.
A friend. He's just a little
emotional right now.
SCUDDER
And I completely understand. That's
why we are taking over from here. I
thought I made myself very clear
about that.
COOPER
You did. But this is one of our own
and we would like to-
SCUDDER
(dismissive)
Absolutely not. You are not needed
here. You can go-
THOMAS
- Fuck that! I want in. Let us help
you.

SCUDDER
(smug)
You're just a deputy in a small
town! What makes you think you can
play with the big kids? When I say
we got it from here... That means
you stand the FUCK DOWN! Jesus, you
had a murder epidemic for a half a
year and you let him get away...
Again! Now, excuse me gentlemen,
I've got a killer to catch.
AGENT SCUDDER commands his agents to the crime scene, bumping
past THOMAS and SHERIFF COOPER.
MRS. Curtis peers from the corner into the crime scene. The
agents are ripping the wallpapers off, breaking fixtures.
MRS. CURTIS
(upset)
Hey! What the hell do you think
y’all are doing?
SCUDDER
Ma'am this is an ongoing
investigation! Get your ass back!
BACK TO:
THOMAS
This is- Bullshit!
COOPER
Hey! Tread lightly!
THOMAS
You expect me to do nothin?
COOPER
Look, I know you and Burke were
close. But the suit is right! We're
done here.
THOMAS
You know what was the last thing he
told me?- He said when this is over
we finally get to rest.
(Points to crime scene)
You look at him. How he is. And you
tell me if thats resting! You
expect me to leave it? After he
told me that?
SHERIFF COOPER takes a moment to himself.

COOPER
You're suspended.
THOMAS
What?
COOPER
That way, I keep my pension when
you go after her.
SHERIFF COOPER reaches out his hand.
COOPER (CONT’D)
GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING BADGE DEPUTY!
You’re done here!
THOMAS gives him his badge. He looks over, Scudder is
looking.
COOPER (CONT’D)
(discreetly)
Proceed with caution. I gotta
feeling those assholes won't be far
behind.
SHERIFF COOPER walks off and gets in his car. He drives away.
MRS. CURTIS is stomping out of the scene.
MRS. CURTIS
(furious)
FBI my ass!
THOMAS goes to MRS. CURTIS.
THOMAS
Hey! Mrs. Curtis. Was there other
witnesses that saw Dillion leave?
MRS. CURTIS
No! Just me! AND YOU FUCKS will be
paying for the damages in my unit.
THOMAS
I’m not with them ma'am. Those
fucking pricks got no manners.
MRS. CURTIS
That’s right!
THOMAS
Can you do me a favor? Can you
please keep what you saw today
between us?

MRS. CURTIS
Wouldn’t that get me in trouble? I
ain’t going to jail for nobody! I’m
too old for-
THOMAS
Listen! The dead man in that unit
of yours. His name was Brady Burke.
He was a fellow cop! He just left a
wife and two kids. And those
fuckers in there don’t give a shit
about him! Please. I need to find
her first before they do. Let me
avenge my friend.
MRS. CURTIS
Was he a good man?
THOMAS
He was the best of us.
MRS. CURTIS
Okay. I won’t say anything. But it
better not bite me in the ass.
THOMAS
Thank you!
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In scene 44, outside Ruth's studio apartment, police cordon off the area as coroners examine the body of Burke, who was suffocated. Deputy Thomas, disheartened, clashes with Agent Scudder from the FBI, who takes over the investigation, dismissing local authorities. Sheriff Cooper mediates, suspending Thomas to allow him to pursue the suspect independently. Amidst the chaos, Mrs. Curtis confronts the FBI about property damage, but Thomas persuades her to keep quiet about what she witnessed to honor Burke's memory. The scene ends with Thomas thanking her for her cooperation.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Plot progression
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Limited exploration of secondary characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is highly engaging, effectively building tension and emotion while advancing the plot significantly. The conflict, emotional impact, and character dynamics are well-developed, creating a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a crime scene investigation intertwined with personal conflicts and power struggles is executed with depth and complexity. The scene effectively explores themes of betrayal, loyalty, and justice.

Plot: 9.3

The plot is rich with intrigue and tension, moving the story forward significantly while deepening character relationships and revealing crucial information. The scene's developments have a lasting impact on the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime investigation genre by focusing on the personal stakes and moral dilemmas faced by the protagonist. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9.1

The characters are well-developed, showcasing their emotional depth, conflicting motivations, and evolving relationships. Each character's actions and dialogue contribute meaningfully to the scene's dynamics.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo significant emotional and professional changes in the scene, particularly Deputy Thomas, who faces suspension and a moral dilemma. The events lead to character growth and internal conflict.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to seek justice for his fallen comrade and to avenge his friend's death. This reflects his deeper need for closure, loyalty to his friend, and a sense of duty and honor.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to catch the suspect responsible for the murder and prevent further harm. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of solving a complex crime and dealing with the FBI's interference.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.4

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving personal, professional, and moral dilemmas. The power struggle between characters and the high stakes elevate the tension and drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting interests, power struggles, and moral dilemmas creating obstacles for the protagonist. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the scene's intensity and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the investigation taking a dangerous turn, personal relationships at risk, and the characters facing moral and professional challenges. The outcome carries significant consequences for all involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing key revelations, escalating conflicts, and setting up future plot developments. It significantly advances the narrative while maintaining suspense and intrigue.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics, unexpected confrontations, and moral ambiguity. The audience is kept on edge by the characters' conflicting motivations and actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the clash between local law enforcement's personal connections and the FBI's professional detachment. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about justice, loyalty, and the system's integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.2

The scene evokes strong emotions through its portrayal of loss, betrayal, and loyalty. The characters' struggles and the high stakes create a poignant and gripping atmosphere, resonating with the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, reflecting the characters' emotions, conflicts, and power dynamics effectively. It drives the scene forward and adds layers to the character interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense conflicts, emotional depth, and high stakes. The confrontations, twists, and moral dilemmas keep the audience invested in the characters and the unfolding mystery.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense through well-timed revelations, confrontations, and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The clarity of the formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format typical of crime dramas, with clear scene descriptions, character interactions, and escalating tension. The pacing and dialogue contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the conflict between local law enforcement and the FBI, highlighting themes of territoriality and frustration in a murder investigation. However, Agent Scudder's character comes across as overly stereotypical—an arrogant federal agent who belittles the locals—which may reduce the authenticity and depth of the interaction. This could be improved by adding layers to Scudder, such as subtle motivations or personal stakes, to make him a more nuanced antagonist rather than a one-dimensional figure, helping readers engage more deeply with the interpersonal dynamics.
  • The dialogue in this scene is functional for advancing the plot and conveying emotion, but it occasionally feels expository and on-the-nose, such as when Thomas explicitly references Burke's last words to Cooper. This can make the scene less cinematic and more tell-than-show. As a screenwriting teacher, I'd suggest focusing on showing Thomas's grief through actions, facial expressions, or visual cues instead of direct dialogue, which would enhance the emotional impact and allow the audience to infer feelings, making the scene more immersive and true to filmic storytelling.
  • Pacing is generally strong, with quick exchanges that maintain urgency, but the scene could benefit from tighter editing to avoid repetitive beats, like multiple instances of characters expressing anger or disbelief. For example, Thomas's aggressive outburst and Cooper's repeated apologies might be consolidated to keep the momentum high and prevent the tension from plateauing. This would help sustain the scene's energy and ensure it propels the story forward without dragging, which is crucial in a high-stakes thriller like this one.
  • The use of visual elements, such as the flashing police lights and caution tape, effectively sets the atmosphere and grounds the scene in a realistic crime drama setting. However, the transition to Mrs. Curtis and the agents ransacking the apartment feels abrupt and could be smoother to better integrate her character into the narrative flow. Additionally, her dialogue and reactions add a touch of humor and realism, but they might overshadow the gravity of Burke's death; balancing this with more focused attention on Thomas's internal conflict could strengthen the emotional core and make the scene more cohesive for the audience.
  • Overall, the scene successfully escalates the pursuit of Ruth and deepens Thomas's character arc by showing his determination and the personal cost of the investigation. That said, the suspension plot point, while clever in allowing Thomas to act independently, might come across as convenient or contrived without sufficient buildup. Drawing clearer connections to earlier scenes where Thomas's obsession with justice is established could make this moment feel more earned and less like a plot device, enhancing the script's thematic consistency and reader investment in Thomas's journey.
Suggestions
  • Refine Agent Scudder's dialogue to include moments of vulnerability or professional rationale behind his arrogance, such as referencing past cases or pressure from superiors, to make him a more complex character and reduce stereotyping.
  • Incorporate more visual storytelling techniques, like close-ups on Thomas's hands clenching or his eyes darting to the crime scene, to convey his emotions instead of relying on expository dialogue, making the scene more engaging and filmic.
  • Shorten repetitive dialogue exchanges by combining lines or using nonverbal cues, such as a meaningful glance or a pause, to maintain a brisk pace and heighten tension without losing key information.
  • Smooth the transition to Mrs. Curtis by foreshadowing her suspicion earlier in the scene or using a wider shot that includes her in the background, ensuring her confrontation feels organic and adds to the overall suspense.
  • Strengthen the emotional stakes by adding a brief flashback or voice-over reference to Thomas's brother's death during his conversation with Cooper, tying it back to the script's central themes and making his suspension and pursuit feel more personally motivated and impactful.



Scene 45 -  A Heart Divided
INT. THOMAS HOUSE - LATER
THOMAS barges into the house- JULIE is waiting in mourning.
JULIE
Shirley called. I heard about
Brady.
THOMAS moves passes JULIE- He makes his way to a gun closet.
THOMAS
Are the kids asleep?
JULIE
Yeah. What are you doing?
THOMAS ignores her. He unlocks his closet revealing. Rifles,
pistols and ammo.
THOMAS
I’m gonna be gone for a few days.

JULIE
You’re going after him. Aren’t you?
THOMAS
I have to.
JULIE
Why? Shirley said the FBI is here
now. They’re already asking a lot
of questions! Let them take care of
it!
THOMAS
Like how they took care of my
brother? They both deserve better.
THOMAS starts packing a duffle.
JULIE
(in tears)
No. NO! I need you here. We need
you here.
THOMAS
Baby. I’m not letting it go. You
know that I can’t.
JULIE
It’s the grief. You’re not
thinking. Don’t let their ghosts
drag you down to hell!
THOMAS
They ain’t dragging me down. I’m
not going down, you hear me?
THOMAS gives JULIE a kiss.
THOMAS (CONT’D)
I’m not going to hell because I’m
riding on a white horse.
JULIE
(upset)
Damn it! Byron. You’re just a man!
Not Christ! A man with kids and a
wife and you’re leaving! How can
that be triumphant?
THOMAS
It’s a figure of expression. I’ll
be careful. I promise.

THOMAS grabs his duffle bag and head to the front door. JULIE
is at a loss. She knows. He can’t be stopped. She can’t turn
to him.
THOMAS (CONT’D)
Kiss them goodnight for me until I
get back.
JULIE
What if it’s a pale horse?
(Turns to THOMAS)
You think it’s white, but what if
the horse you riding on is pale?
You ever thought of that?
THOMAS takes a beat. His mind is made up. JULIE heart
shatters.
THOMAS
I’ll be back.
THOMAS leaves. JULIE breaks down. Mourning her loss.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In scene 45, Thomas returns home to find Julie mourning the death of his brother, Brady. Ignoring her grief, he heads to a gun closet, revealing his plan to seek vengeance against Brady's killer. Despite Julie's desperate pleas for him to let the FBI handle the situation, Thomas is resolute in his quest for justice. As he packs weapons, Julie warns him of the dangers, but he reassures her with a metaphor about riding a white horse, symbolizing his heroic intentions. Ultimately, Thomas leaves, leaving Julie heartbroken and in tears, highlighting the conflict between his desire for revenge and her fear for their family's safety.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of resolution for Julie's character arc

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth and conflict within the characters, setting up a tense and dramatic situation that leaves a lasting impact on the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of grief, determination, and internal conflict is effectively portrayed through the interactions and decisions of the characters, adding depth to the overall narrative.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced significantly as Thomas makes a crucial decision to pursue his own justice, setting up potential conflicts and consequences for future events.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar theme of seeking justice and revenge but adds a fresh perspective through the characters' emotional depth and conflicting viewpoints. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Thomas showcasing determination and inner turmoil, while Julie reflects grief and desperation. Their interactions add layers to their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 9

Thomas's decision to leave despite Julie's pleas showcases a significant change in his character, highlighting his resolve and inner conflict.

Internal Goal: 9

Thomas's internal goal is to seek justice for his brother's death and to find closure for himself and his family. This reflects his deeper need for redemption, his fear of failing to protect his loved ones, and his desire to make things right in a world that feels unjust.

External Goal: 8

Thomas's external goal is to track down the person responsible for his brother's death and take matters into his own hands. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in seeking revenge and confronting the truth behind the tragedy.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict between Thomas's sense of duty and Julie's pleas for him to stay creates a tense and emotionally charged atmosphere, driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Julie providing a counterpoint to Thomas's actions and beliefs, creating a compelling conflict that adds depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Thomas prepares to take matters into his own hands, risking his safety and family's well-being in pursuit of justice.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by setting up a crucial decision for Thomas and introducing potential consequences that will impact future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting decisions and the uncertain outcome of Thomas's actions. The audience is left wondering about the consequences of his choices.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of justice, sacrifice, and the consequences of seeking vengeance. Julie represents a more cautious and pragmatic approach, urging Thomas to consider the risks and consequences of his actions, while Thomas is driven by a sense of duty and personal justice.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of sadness, fear, and determination, leaving a lasting impact on the audience through the characters' struggles and decisions.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional stakes and conflicts present in the scene, highlighting the internal struggles of the characters and their differing perspectives.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high emotional intensity, moral dilemmas, and the characters' conflicting motivations. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and the unfolding drama.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional impact, allowing the characters' interactions and decisions to unfold with a sense of urgency and dramatic weight.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues that enhance readability and visual storytelling.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-structured format that effectively builds tension and emotional resonance. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness in conveying the characters' internal conflicts and external challenges.


Critique
  • This scene effectively captures the emotional core of Thomas's character arc, showcasing his obsessive drive for justice rooted in personal trauma, which ties back to his brother's unsolved murder. The confrontation with Julie heightens the stakes by introducing the personal cost of his actions, creating a poignant moment that underscores the theme of grief and its destructive potential. However, the dialogue occasionally feels overly expository, with lines like 'Like how they took care of my brother?' directly referencing past events, which can come across as telling rather than showing, potentially reducing the scene's subtlety and emotional nuance for the audience.
  • The use of the white horse metaphor is a strong symbolic element that adds depth, drawing from biblical imagery to represent Thomas's self-perceived heroism versus Julie's fear of death and failure. This contrast is well-executed and builds tension, but it might alienate viewers unfamiliar with the reference, and the delivery feels a bit forced, making the scene less accessible. Additionally, Julie's character is portrayed primarily as the emotional, pleading wife, which, while functional, risks reinforcing gender stereotypes without sufficient agency or backstory, making her reactions feel somewhat one-dimensional in the context of their relationship.
  • Pacing in the scene is brisk and urgent, mirroring Thomas's determination, which suits the thriller genre and maintains momentum toward the climax. However, the rapid dialogue exchange and lack of visual variety—such as more detailed descriptions of the environment or Thomas's physical actions—can make the scene feel static and dialogue-heavy, potentially overwhelming the audience and reducing cinematic impact. For instance, the gun closet reveal is a good visual beat, but it could be expanded to show Thomas's internal conflict more dynamically.
  • The scene successfully escalates the personal stakes of the story, transitioning from the professional fallout in the previous scenes (FBI takeover and Burke's death) to Thomas's domestic life, which amplifies the theme of obsession versus family responsibility. That said, the mourning tone is somewhat undercut by Julie's immediate reference to 'Shirley called,' which feels abrupt and could benefit from smoother integration to allow the audience to feel the weight of the loss more gradually. Overall, while the scene is emotionally charged, it could deepen its impact by balancing action, dialogue, and subtext to better engage viewers on multiple levels.
  • In terms of character development, Thomas's resolve is consistent with his arc throughout the script, showing how his past trauma influences his decisions, which is a strength. However, Julie's plea, while heartfelt, lacks specificity about their shared history or how Thomas's absence has previously affected the family, making her argument less compelling and the scene's resolution feel somewhat predictable. This could be an opportunity to explore their relationship more, but as it stands, the scene prioritizes Thomas's journey, potentially at the expense of Julie's voice, which might leave readers or viewers wanting more balance in the emotional dynamics.
Suggestions
  • To make the dialogue less expository, incorporate more subtext and indirect references; for example, instead of Thomas explicitly saying 'Like how they took care of my brother?', have him pause or show a flashback via a quick cut to heighten emotional impact without spelling it out.
  • Enhance Julie's character agency by giving her a stronger, more specific rebuttal, such as referencing a past incident where Thomas's obsession led to family strain, to make her pleas more nuanced and less stereotypical, thereby deepening the relational conflict.
  • Add more visual elements to break up the dialogue, such as close-ups of Thomas packing the duffle bag with shaky hands or Julie's facial expressions shifting from concern to despair, to make the scene more cinematic and engaging, reducing the reliance on spoken words.
  • Refine the horse metaphor for clarity and impact; consider a brief voice-over or a visual cue (like a painting in the house) to contextualize it, ensuring it's accessible while maintaining its symbolic power, or simplify it to focus on universal themes of heroism and risk.
  • Extend the scene slightly to show the immediate aftermath of Thomas's departure, such as Julie entering the children's room or Thomas hesitating at the door, to emphasize the emotional cost and provide a more lingering sense of tension, better connecting to the story's themes of loss and redemption.



Scene 46 -  A Compassionate Journey
EXT. ROAD - SUNSET
The Chevrolet Nova zooms past screen. Towards the sunset.
INT. CHEVROLET NOVA - SUNSET
RUTH is in tears.
She zooms through the highway passing a mileage sign: MEXICO
200 miles. On the side of the road. The malnourished dog she
saw outside the hardware store- now with a limp and bloody.
RUTH pulls over to check on her.
RUTH
Hey! C’mon girl.
RUTH notices blood on her fur. The dog’s been beat. Either
from an animal or human. RUTH doesn’t think the difference.
RUTH grabs a towel from her car and wraps the dog up. She
carries her into the car and drives away.
'I Got a Name by Jim Croce' plays on the radio.
FADE OUT.

END OF SCRIPT
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In the final scene, Ruth drives her Chevrolet Nova towards Mexico, emotionally distressed and crying. She spots a malnourished dog on the roadside, recognizing it from a previous encounter. Despite her own turmoil, she stops to help the injured dog, wrapping it in a towel and bringing it into her car. As she drives away, the song 'I Got a Name' plays, blending her act of kindness with a sense of unresolved emotion, marking the end of the screenplay.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively combines emotional depth, tension, and character development, creating a compelling and memorable moment. The use of music, Ruth's actions, and the overall atmosphere contribute to a strong impact.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of redemption and empathy is central to the scene, as Ruth's encounter with the wounded dog reflects her internal struggles and capacity for compassion amidst her desperate circumstances. The scene effectively explores these themes through character actions and emotional depth.

Plot: 9

The plot progression in the scene is significant, as Ruth's encounter with the wounded dog serves as a pivotal moment in her character development. It adds depth to her emotional journey and highlights her internal conflict and capacity for empathy.

Originality: 8

The scene demonstrates originality through its portrayal of a seemingly mundane act of kindness as a profound moment of redemption. The authenticity of Ruth's actions and dialogue adds depth to the character and the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene delves into Ruth's character, showcasing her emotional complexity, internal conflict, and capacity for compassion. Her actions with the wounded dog reveal layers of her personality and add depth to her character arc.

Character Changes: 9

Ruth undergoes a subtle but significant change in the scene, showcasing her capacity for empathy and compassion amidst her desperate circumstances. Her actions with the wounded dog reveal a deeper layer of her character and hint at potential growth and redemption.

Internal Goal: 8

Ruth's internal goal in this scene is to find a sense of purpose and redemption through helping the injured dog. This reflects her deeper need for connection, compassion, and a desire to make a positive impact despite her own emotional turmoil.

External Goal: 9

Ruth's external goal in this scene is to rescue and care for the injured dog, reflecting her immediate circumstances of encountering suffering and her challenge to act with kindness and empathy in a harsh world.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The scene carries a moderate level of conflict, primarily internal within Ruth as she grapples with her emotions and the decision to help the wounded dog amidst her escape. The tension is palpable, adding depth to the emotional impact.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create a sense of uncertainty and moral dilemma for the protagonist, as Ruth is faced with a challenging situation that tests her values and beliefs.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are moderately high in the scene, as Ruth's decision to help the wounded dog amidst her escape adds tension and complexity to her situation. The emotional weight of her actions heightens the stakes and underscores the internal conflict she faces.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by deepening Ruth's character development and highlighting her internal conflict and capacity for empathy. It adds emotional depth and complexity to the narrative, setting the stage for further exploration of Ruth's journey.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it subverts expectations by focusing on a small, intimate moment of kindness in a desolate setting, challenging conventional notions of conflict and resolution.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the choice between apathy and compassion, as Ruth is faced with the decision to ignore the suffering of the dog or to intervene and help despite the potential risks or inconveniences.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of compassion, empathy, and tension. Ruth's interaction with the wounded dog tugs at the heartstrings, creating a poignant and memorable moment that resonates with the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

While there is minimal dialogue in the scene, the interactions between Ruth and the wounded dog are poignant and emotionally resonant. The unspoken communication and Ruth's actions speak volumes about her character.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it elicits empathy and emotional investment from the audience through Ruth's compassionate actions and the poignant portrayal of the injured dog's plight, creating a sense of tension and catharsis.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, with a gradual unfolding of events that allows for moments of reflection and connection, enhancing the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with concise scene descriptions, character cues, and dialogue properly formatted, enhancing readability and clarity.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene effectively conveys the emotional arc and thematic elements, following a clear progression from Ruth's initial encounter with the injured dog to her decision to help and the symbolic use of the song 'I Got a Name' to underscore her journey.


Critique
  • The final scene effectively captures a moment of vulnerability and unexpected compassion in Ruth's character, providing a poignant contrast to her history of violence. By revisiting the malnourished dog from an earlier scene, it creates a sense of continuity and character depth, illustrating Ruth's internal conflict and potential for humanity amidst her chaotic life. This act of kindness serves as a subtle redemption arc, humanizing her and leaving the audience with a complex image of a flawed protagonist, which helps in understanding her psychological state shaped by trauma and hallucinations throughout the script.
  • However, as the concluding scene of the screenplay, it feels somewhat abrupt and lacks a strong sense of closure for the overall narrative. The high-stakes pursuit by Thomas and the FBI in the preceding scenes builds intense tension, but this finale shifts focus entirely to Ruth's personal moment without resolving the central conflict involving law enforcement. This can leave readers or viewers feeling unsatisfied, as Thomas's storyline, which parallels Ruth's and deals with his own trauma, is left hanging, diminishing the emotional payoff and making the ending feel disconnected from the script's broader arcs.
  • The use of visual and auditory elements, such as the sunset, the road sign indicating Mexico, and the song 'I Got a Name' by Jim Croce, adds a layer of symbolism that could represent escape, identity, and hope. Yet, these elements are underutilized and could be more integrated to enhance thematic resonance. For instance, the song's lyrics about having a name and a destiny might align with Ruth's journey, but without deeper exploration, it risks coming across as generic or clichéd, failing to fully capitalize on the emotional weight of the moment.
  • Ruth's emotional state is depicted through her tears and actions, but the scene could benefit from more nuanced portrayal to make her breakdown and decision to help the dog more impactful. The dialogue is minimal and straightforward, which keeps the scene concise, but it doesn't delve deeply into her psyche, making it harder for the audience to connect with her turmoil. This simplicity might stem from the need to wrap up quickly, but it results in a missed opportunity to provide catharsis or insight into her hallucinations and relationship with her father's memory, which are central to her character.
  • Thematically, the scene attempts to balance Ruth's darkness with a glimmer of light, but it doesn't fully address the script's exploration of cycles of violence, trauma, and justice. The dog's rescue could symbolize a break from her violent past or a hint at redemption, but without stronger ties to earlier events—such as her hallucinations of Ed or the murders—it feels isolated. Additionally, the fade out ending is conventional and might not leave a lasting impression, especially in a story with such intense elements, potentially underwhelming the audience after the buildup of suspense in scenes 42-45.
  • In terms of pacing and structure, this scene serves as a quiet denouement after a series of high-tension moments, which can be effective for contrast, but it risks feeling anticlimactic. The immediate context from scene 45, where Thomas leaves his family to pursue Ruth, creates a parallel narrative thread that isn't converged here, leading to a disjointed feel. Overall, while the scene highlights Ruth's complexity, it struggles to deliver a cohesive and satisfying conclusion to the screenplay, which could confuse readers about the story's resolution and thematic intent.
Suggestions
  • Expand the scene to include a brief internal monologue or flashback snippet for Ruth, such as recalling her father's influence or the dog's earlier appearance, to deepen emotional resonance and provide better closure to her arc without extending the runtime significantly.
  • Incorporate a cross-cut or parallel action with Thomas's pursuit to interweave the narratives, showing him closing in or reflecting on his mission, which would heighten tension and ensure the ending addresses both protagonists, creating a more balanced and engaging finale.
  • Enhance the symbolism of the dog and the song by adding descriptive details or dialogue that explicitly ties them to Ruth's journey, such as having her whisper a line about feeling 'lost but found' or using the dog's injury to mirror her own emotional wounds, making the themes of redemption and trauma more explicit and impactful.
  • Develop Ruth's interaction with the dog to show more internal conflict, perhaps by having her hesitate or question her actions aloud, which could add depth to her character and make the act of kindness feel more earned and less abrupt.
  • Consider revising the fade out to a more distinctive ending, such as a freeze-frame on Ruth and the dog driving into the sunset or a voice-over from Ed fading away, to leave a stronger, more memorable impression and better encapsulate the story's emotional core.
  • Ensure the scene's pacing aligns with the script's intensity by adding a few more beats of tension, like Ruth glancing in the rearview mirror for pursuers, to maintain momentum from previous scenes and prevent the ending from feeling too subdued.