Erin Brokovich

Overview

Unique Selling Point

This legal drama follows a fiery and determined lawyer, Erin Brockovich, as she uncovers a shocking environmental contamination case that threatens the health of a small town. Through her relentless investigation and unwavering advocacy, Erin faces corporate greed and bureaucratic obstacles, navigating complex legal battles and personal challenges. The script offers a unique and empowering story of justice and perseverance, showcasing the resilience and determination of a single mother fighting for the rights of her community. Its distinctive character dynamics, authentic dialogue, and compelling narrative make this script a standout in the legal drama genre.

AI Verdict & Suggestions

Ratings are subjective. So you get different engines’ ratings to compare.

Claude
Recommend

GPT4
Recommend

See Details in P/C/R/HR Section

Story Facts

Genres: Drama, Legal, Thriller, Mystery, Comedy, Romance, Family, Biography, Character Study, Investigative, Legal Drama

Setting: Contemporary, Southern California, Hinkley

Themes: Environmental Justice, Women Empowerment, Corporate Greed and Accountability, Human Connection and Community, Overcoming Adversity

Conflict & Stakes: The primary conflict revolves around the legal battle against PG&E for water contamination, with the stakes being justice for the affected families and the truth coming to light.

Mood: Inspiring and empowering

Standout Features:

Compelling Characters: Erin's determination and George's support create engaging dynamics.
Environmental Activism Theme: The focus on water contamination and corporate accountability adds depth.
True Story Basis: The screenplay's basis on real events enhances its authenticity and impact.

Script Level Analysis

This section delivers a top-level assessment of the screenplay’s strengths and weaknesses — covering overall quality (P/C/R/HR), character development, emotional impact, thematic depth, narrative inconsistencies, and the story’s core philosophical conflict. It helps identify what’s resonating, what needs refinement, and how the script aligns with professional standards.

Screenplay Insights

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Story Critique

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Characters

Explores the depth, clarity, and arc of the main and supporting characters.

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Emotional Analysis

Breaks down the emotional journey of the audience across the script.

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Goals and Philosophical Conflict

Evaluates character motivations, obstacles, and sources of tension throughout the plot.

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Themes

Analysis of the themes of the screenplay and how well they’re expressed.

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Logic & Inconsistencies

Highlights any contradictions, plot holes, or logic gaps that may confuse viewers.

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Scene Analysis

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Scene-Level Percentile Chart

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The screenplay exhibits strengths in emotional impact, character development, and goal clarity. Areas for improvement include plot structure, originality, and pacing. The writer's intuitive style is evident, with opportunities to enhance the balance of screenplay elements for greater impact.

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Key Strengths

The screenplay has a strong emotional impact, with a percentile ranking of 79.75%
The internal goal of the characters is well-developed, with a high percentile ranking of 84.18%
The characters experience significant changes throughout the story, as indicated by the high percentile ranking of 75.98%

Areas for Improvement

The plot structure could be improved, as indicated by the lower percentile ranking of 32.23%
The originality of the screenplay could be enhanced, with a percentile ranking of 68.35%
The pacing of the screenplay could be more engaging, as suggested by the low percentile ranking of 17.09%

Writer Style

The writer's style appears to be more intuitive, with higher percentile rankings in character development and dialogue, and lower rankings in concept and plot.

Balancing Elements

To enhance the screenplay's overall balance, the writer could consider strengthening the plot structure while maintaining the strengths in character development and emotional impact.
Balancing the originality with more conventional elements could make the screenplay more accessible to a wider audience.
Improving the pacing could complement the strong emotional impact and character changes, creating a more engaging experience for readers.

Intuition Level

Intuitive

Overall Assessment

The screenplay has strong potential, with compelling characters and emotional depth. Refinement in plot structure, originality, and pacing could elevate the screenplay to a higher level of effectiveness.

How this was done: Each criteria is ranked in comparison to scripts in our Vault (such as The Matrix, Breaking Bad, etc.) This allows you to see where you stand compared to other produced scripts for each criteria.

How scenes compare to the Scripts in our Library

Note: The ratings are the averages of all the scenes.

Title	Grade	Percentile	Before	After
Script Conflict	8.50	94	Scott pilgrim vs. the world: 8.40	Erin Brokovich: 8.50
Overall Script	8.50	94	Interstellar: 8.46	Erin Brokovich: 8.50
Scene Internal Goal	8.28	90	Dune Part Two: 8.27	Erin Brokovich: 8.28
Script Structure	8.20	79	Ex-Machina: 8.10	Erin Brokovich: 8.20
Script Premise	8.50	71	Die Hard: 8.40	Erin Brokovich: 8.50
Scene External Goal	7.44	70	Squid Game: 7.43	Erin Brokovich: 7.44
Scene Emotional Impact	8.1	62	Pirates of the Caribbean: 8.0	Erin Brokovich: 8.1
Script Characters	8.10	61	Pirates of the Caribbean: 8.00	Erin Brokovich: 8.10
Scene Character Changes	7.2	58	Jack Reacher: 7.1	Erin Brokovich: 7.2
Scene High Stakes	7.6	55	The King's speech: 7.5	Erin Brokovich: 7.6
Scene Originality	8.76	55	groundhog day: 8.75	Erin Brokovich: 8.76
Scene Conflict Level	7.7	55	American Beauty: 7.6	Erin Brokovich: 7.7
Script Structure	8.13	51	Silicon Valley: 8.12	Erin Brokovich: 8.13
Scene Story Forward	8.1	49	Solaris: 8.0	Erin Brokovich: 8.1
Scene Engagement	8.95	46	September 5: 8.94	Erin Brokovich: 8.95
Scene Characters	8.3	45	Argo: 8.2	Erin Brokovich: 8.3
Script Emotional Impact	7.80	45	Inside Out: 7.70	Erin Brokovich: 7.80
Scene Formatting	8.13	44	Silicon Valley: 8.12	Erin Brokovich: 8.13
Script Originality	7.90	43	The Addams Family: 7.80	Erin Brokovich: 7.90
Scene Dialogue	7.7	40	Sherlock Holmes: 7.6	Erin Brokovich: 7.7
Scene Unpredictability	7.34	38	Charlie and The Choclate Factory: 7.33	Erin Brokovich: 7.34
Script Theme	8.10	37	Dune Part Two: 8.00	Erin Brokovich: 8.10
Scene Plot	7.8	34	The Greatest Showman: 7.7	Erin Brokovich: 7.8
Scene Pacing	8.15	27	The Fabelmans: 8.14	Erin Brokovich: 8.15
Script Visual Impact	7.20	20	Silicon Valley: 7.10	Erin Brokovich: 7.20
Scene Overall	8.1	14	Swingers: 8.0	Erin Brokovich: 8.1
Scene Concept	7.8	14	Swingers: 7.7	Erin Brokovich: 7.8

Other Analyses

This section looks at the extra spark — your story’s voice, style, world, and the moments that really stick. These insights might not change the bones of the script, but they can make it more original, more immersive, and way more memorable. It’s where things get fun, weird, and wonderfully you.

Unique Voice

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Writer's Craft

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Memorable Lines

Spotlights standout dialogue lines with emotional or thematic power.

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Tropes

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World Building

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Correlations

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Loglines

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Unique Voice

Assesses the distinctiveness and personality of the writer's voice.

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Writer's Craft

Analyzes the writing to help the writer be aware of their skill and improve.

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Memorable Lines

Spotlights standout dialogue lines with emotional or thematic power.

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Tropes

Highlights common or genre-specific tropes found in the script.

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World Building

Evaluates the depth, consistency, and immersion of the story's world.

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Correlations

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Loglines

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Engine: Claude

Screenplay Rating:

Recommend

Executive Summary

The screenplay for 'Erin Brockovich' is a well-crafted and engaging drama that tells the true story of a determined legal assistant who helps a community take on a powerful corporation. The protagonist, Erin Brockovich, is a complex and compelling character whose personal journey drives the narrative forward. The screenplay effectively balances the larger legal/environmental conflict with the individual struggles of the characters, creating a sense of authenticity and high stakes. While the supporting characters could be further developed in some areas, the overall pacing and dialogue are strong, and the screenplay's exploration of themes such as justice and corporate power make it a compelling and relevant story that would appeal to a wide audience.

Strengths

The screenplay has a strong, compelling narrative that effectively balances the personal struggles of the characters with the larger legal/environmental conflict at the heart of the story. high
The protagonist, Erin Brockovich, is a well-developed and multi-dimensional character whose determination and growth arc drive the story forward in an engaging way. high
The screenplay effectively depicts the real-world challenges and obstacles faced by the plaintiffs, creating a sense of authenticity and high stakes. high
The dialogue is sharp, natural, and reveals character while also advancing the plot. medium
The overall pacing is well-balanced, with a good mix of slower, character-driven moments and more intense, plot-driven sequences. medium

Areas of Improvement

While the protagonist's personal journey is well-developed, some of the supporting characters could be further fleshed out to add depth and complexity to the story. medium
There are a few moments where the exposition feels a bit heavy-handed, and the screenplay could potentially benefit from more subtle ways of conveying key information. low

MissingElements

The screenplay could potentially be strengthened by incorporating more visual storytelling elements, such as more detailed descriptions of the setting and environment, to further immerse the audience in the world of the story. low

NotablePoints

The screenplay's ability to balance the personal and the political, with the environmental disaster serving as a backdrop to the individual struggles of the characters, is a notable strength. high
The screenplay's exploration of themes such as justice, corporate power, and the resilience of the human spirit are compelling and relevant to a wide audience. high

Engine: GPT4

Screenplay Rating:

Recommend

Executive Summary

The screenplay of 'Erin Brockovich' offers a compelling narrative centered around a strong female protagonist, Erin, who evolves significantly throughout the story. The character development, combined with sharp dialogue and a well-structured plot, makes this screenplay stand out. While it could benefit from further development of secondary characters and simplification of legal terms, its strengths in creating a gripping legal drama with emotional depth are notable.

Strengths

The screenplay features strong character development, particularly with the protagonist, Erin, whose journey from a struggling single mother to a powerful advocate is compelling and well-articulated. high
The dialogue is sharp and engaging, with realistic exchanges that enhance the authenticity of characters and their relationships, especially in scenes of conflict or negotiation. high ( Scene 40 )
The narrative structure effectively builds tension and stakes, culminating in satisfying resolutions that align well with the thematic focus on justice and personal growth. high ( Scene 39 )
The screenplay effectively uses settings and environments, such as the law office and Hinkley community, to enhance the storytelling and reflect the socio-economic backgrounds of the characters. medium
The pacing is well-managed, with a good balance of intense legal drama and personal moments that allow for character reflection and development. medium

Areas of Improvement

Some secondary characters could be more fully developed to enhance their relationships with the protagonist and provide deeper emotional layers to the narrative. medium
The script could benefit from a few more quieter, reflective scenes that allow the audience to process the complex legal and emotional information being presented. low
There are moments where the legal jargon might overwhelm the lay audience; simplifying or explaining these terms within dialogues could improve accessibility. medium
The antagonist's motivations and actions could be clearer to enhance the conflict and provide a more formidable challenge to Erin. medium
Incorporating more visual elements that illustrate the impact of the pollution could strengthen the emotional appeal and audience's understanding of the stakes. low

MissingElements

The script could further explore the personal lives of some key secondary characters to enrich the world around Erin and provide more subplots. medium

NotablePoints

The script does an excellent job at portraying a strong, complex female lead whose flaws and strengths are well-balanced and compelling. high
The use of actual legal documents and procedures adds a layer of authenticity that sets this screenplay apart from other legal dramas. medium

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Screenplay Insights:

Overall Grade: 8.50

Characters: 8.1, The screenplay portrays strong character development, effectively delving into the transformation and growth of its central figures. Erin's journey from a struggling single mother to a passionate advocate and Ed's change from a cynical lawyer to a compassionate ally stand out as particularly compelling. However, certain aspects of character consistency and the development of supporting cast members could be further refined to enhance the narrative's emotional impact and character engagement. See More

Premise: 8.5, The screenplay for Erin Brockovich presents a compelling and clear premise, with the potential to deeply engage the audience. The David vs. Goliath narrative, coupled with Erin's unique character arc from struggling single mother to determined advocate, creates a strong foundation. However, the initial hook could be further refined to immediately capture the audience's attention and highlight the environmental justice theme. See More

Structure: 8.2, The screenplay exhibits a solid narrative structure with a compelling plot that effectively engages the audience. Erin Brockovich's character arc is particularly noteworthy, as she transforms from a struggling single mother to a fierce advocate for justice. However, some areas could be refined to enhance pacing and address certain plot points. See More

Theme: 8.1, The screenplay effectively conveys a central message of justice and perseverance in the face of adversity. The exploration of themes like environmental injustice, corporate malfeasance, and the power of ordinary people to make a difference is handled with clarity and impact. However, some of the finer nuances and complexities of these themes could be further explored to enhance the screenplay's overall thematic depth and resonance with the audience. See More

Visual Impact: 7.2, The screenplay for Erin Brockovich depicts key moments of Erin's legal journey and her fight for justice for the community affected by groundwater contamination. The screenplay effectively uses visual imagery to portray Erin's resilience and determination, as well as the devastating impacts of corporate negligence. See More

Emotional Impact: 7.8, The screenplay's emotional impact lies in its authentic portrayal of Erin's resilience and determination. However, opportunities exist to heighten the script's emotional depth and character development, particularly for George and Ed. See More

Conflict: 8.5, The screenplay effectively harnesses conflict and stakes to drive its narrative, presenting a compelling environmental justice story centered around Erin Brockovich's relentless pursuit of truth and justice. The conflicts are well-defined, the stakes are high, and the screenplay successfully raises these stakes, contributing to a thrilling and emotionally engaging journey. However, some aspects, such as the conflict resolution, could be refined for a more fulfilling and impactful ending. See More

Originality: 7.9, The screenplay exhibits a strong foundation in originality and creativity, particularly in its portrayal of the protagonist's journey and the exploration of environmental injustice. The unique characterization and the narrative's focus on real-world issues make it stand out from conventional legal dramas. See More

Summary Erin Brockovich, a determined and tenacious woman, fights for justice amidst personal struggles and challenges. With the support of her boss, Ed Masry, she uncovers evidence of water contamination in Hinkley and takes on a legal battle against a powerful corporation, PG&E. Despite facing skepticism and setbacks, Erin's perseverance leads to a significant settlement for the affected plaintiffs, ultimately vindicating her efforts and proving her worth. Through determination, courage, and resilience, Erin overcomes adversity and emerges victorious in her pursuit of truth and justice.

Screenplay Story Analysis

Story Critique The screenplay of Erin Brockovich is a compelling and engaging story that effectively portrays the journey of a determined woman fighting for justice. The plot is well-paced, with strong character development and emotional depth. The exploration of themes such as empowerment, resilience, and the pursuit of truth adds layers to the narrative. The screenplay effectively balances moments of tension, drama, and heartwarming interactions, keeping the audience engaged throughout. However, there are some areas where the plot could be further enhanced to create a more impactful and cohesive story.

Suggestions: To improve the screenplay, consider adding more depth to secondary characters to enhance their impact on the overall story. Additionally, exploring Erin's internal struggles and emotional growth in more detail could add complexity to her character arc. Strengthening the resolution of conflicts and providing clearer motivations for character actions can also elevate the plot's impact.

Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here

Beginning The beginning of the screenplay sets a strong foundation for the story, introducing the main characters and establishing the central conflict effectively. The character dynamics and initial setup create intrigue and set the stage for Erin's journey towards justice. The scenes are engaging and draw the audience into the narrative, setting a compelling tone for the rest of the screenplay.

Suggestions: To enhance the beginning of the screenplay, consider adding more background information on the characters to provide context for their motivations and actions. Strengthening the introduction of the central conflict and establishing clear stakes early on can help create a more immersive experience for the audience. Additionally, focusing on building stronger connections between characters in the opening scenes can deepen the emotional impact of the story.

Middle The middle part of the screenplay delves deeper into Erin's investigation and the challenges she faces in uncovering the truth about chromium contamination. The character development remains strong, with compelling interactions and conflicts driving the narrative forward. The exploration of themes such as corporate negligence and community resilience adds depth to the story, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Suggestions: To improve the middle part of the screenplay, consider tightening the pacing of the investigative scenes to maintain momentum and suspense. Further developing the relationships between characters and exploring their individual arcs can add layers to the narrative. Introducing new obstacles and complications that test Erin's resolve can heighten the tension and create more dynamic storytelling.

Ending The ending of the screenplay delivers a satisfying resolution to the central conflict, showcasing Erin's triumph in the face of adversity. The character arcs are effectively concluded, with emotional payoff and closure for the main characters. The themes of justice and empowerment are reinforced, leaving the audience with a sense of fulfillment and hope.

Suggestions: To enhance the ending of the screenplay, consider adding a more impactful final confrontation or resolution that highlights Erin's growth and transformation. Providing a clearer sense of the long-term impact of her actions and the community's response can strengthen the emotional resonance of the conclusion. Additionally, exploring the aftermath of the events and the characters' future trajectories can add depth to the ending and leave a lasting impression on the audience.

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Erin - Score: 91/100

Role

Protagonist

Personality

MBTI: ESTP

Character Analysis Overview

Foundational Definition 9/10

A determined single mother fighting for justice.

Complexity And Depth 8/10

Emotional wounds from a challenging past.

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis 9/10

Erin's character evolves from a struggling single mother into a powerful advocate for justice.

Dialogue And Voice 8/10

Erin's dialogue is marked by bluntness, emotion, and authenticity.

Behavior And Choices 9/10

Erin's actions are driven by a desire to protect her family and fight for justice.

Relationship Dynamics 9/10

Erin's interactions reveal her complexities, particularly her struggles with trust and support.

Scene Impact 9/10

Erin's presence often catalyzes conflict while also providing resolution through her determination.

Role Fulfillment 10/10

Erin functions as the protagonist and an essential advocate for the victims.

Thematic Plot Integration 10/10

Erin's personal quest for justice intertwines seamlessly with the film's major themes.

Emotional Resonance 10/10

Strong emotional connection through resilience and vulnerability.

Foundational Definition

Score: 9

Erin Brockovich is a determined and resilient single mother who struggles to balance her challenging life while fighting for justice on behalf of the victims of PG&E's toxic waste dumping. She embodies a no-nonsense attitude, coupled with a strong sense of morality, and feels deeply for those who suffer unjustly. Her past experiences shape her identity, fueling her motivation to not only provide for her children but also to seek justice for the afflicted residents of Hinkley.

Values And Beliefs: Justice, family, and resilience.

Strengths And Skills: Strong communication skills, empathy, determination, and resourcefulness.

Suggestions

Explore Erin's childhood experiences and how they have made her the person she is today.
Highlight moments that reveal her inherent ability to connect with people on an emotional level.

Follow-up Questions

What specific past experiences have shaped Erin's resilience in the face of adversity?
How do her values impact her decisions throughout the screenplay?

Complexity And Depth

Score: 8

Erin's emotional struggles stem from a challenging past filled with failed relationships, financial instability, and the burden of being a single mother. Her pride and fierce independence often cause friction in her personal relationships, particularly with George and her employer, Ed. Additionally, Erin's internal battle regarding her worthiness and ability to provide for her children adds layers to her character, making her journey one of both external and internal struggles.

Character Wound: Fear of failure as a mother and professional.

Character Flaws: Stubbornness, occasional impulsivity, and difficulty trusting others.

Suggestions

Incorporate flashbacks that illustrate Erin's past relationships and their impact on her present.
Delve into her moments of vulnerability to create a stronger emotional connection with the audience.

Follow-up Questions

How do Erin's past experiences inform her relationships in the present?
What specific events trigger Erin's internal conflicts during her journey?

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis

Score: 9

Erin undergoes a powerful transformation, gaining not only authority but also a sense of purpose. She starts as an underdog, facing personal turmoil, but evolves into a passionate advocate who pushes against systemic injustice. Key moments, like her successful gathering of signed agreements, mark her as a formidable force who embodies hope for others.

Polarity Changes: Erin experiences significant highs and lows, from losing her job to successfully pursuing justice against corporate injustice.

Transformation Triggers: Her experiences with WG&E employees, the encouragement from Ed, and her interactions with the Hinkley residents fuel her transformation.

Suggestions

Enhance pivotal scenes that depict Erin's development into a leader among the plaintiffs.
Create more conflict for Erin that challenges her sense of identity and calls her morals into question.

Follow-up Questions

What external and internal factors contribute most to Erin's transformation throughout the screenplay?
How do her relationships with Ed and George influence her growth as a character?

Dialogue And Voice

Score: 8

Erin's speech patterns are characterized by an unfiltered honesty and emotional rawness, often using profanity to emphasize her points. This distinct dialogue style showcases her strength but also her vulnerability, as it reveals the pressures she faces. Throughout the screenplay, her dialogue evolves from defensive and accusatory to passionate and empowering, echoing her character development.

Unique Voice: Directness and occasional profanity that reflects her frustration and determination.

Suggestions

Incorporate more poignant moments in dialogue that expose Erin's vulnerabilities.
Use subtext in her conversations with Ed and George to deepen their complexity.

Follow-up Questions

What role does Erin's unique voice play in the perceptions of other characters about her?
How can her dialogue further illustrate her development throughout the screenplay?

Behavior And Choices

Score: 9

Erin's key decisions throughout the screenplay stem from her fierce protectiveness as a mother and her passion for justice. Her behavior often oscillates between impulsivity and thoughtfulness, particularly as she navigates her roles as a mother and an advocate. For example, her decision to confront PG&E and gather support demonstrates both her determination and her need for validation.

Motivations: To secure justice for her children and the people of Hinkley, as well as to achieve personal success.

Desires Vs Needs: Erin desires acceptance and security but needs to confront and heal her emotional scars to truly thrive.

Suggestions

Highlight specific decisions Erin makes that reflect her motivations and values.
Explore consequences arising from her choices, showcasing their impact on her relationships.

Follow-up Questions

How do Erin's successes and failures impact her motivations over time?
What pivotal moments illustrate her inner conflict between personal desires and obligations?

Relationship Dynamics

Score: 9

Erin's significant relationships with Ed and George fluctuate between support and tension. With Ed, her dynamic evolves from skepticism and defensiveness to mutual respect and partnership. Conversely, her relationship with George highlights her difficulty in trusting others, leading to conflict and eventual estrangement. Each relationship shapes her identity and influences her choices, forcing her to confront her vulnerabilities while also feeding her resolve.

Suggestions

Develop scenes that demonstrate how Erin navigates her trust issues with both Ed and George.
Incorporate subplots that bind Erin's growth in her relationships directly to her advocacy.

Follow-up Questions

How do Erin's relationships serve as catalysts for her development throughout the story?
What do her interactions with others reveal about her values and priorities?

Scene Impact

Score: 9

Erin's actions frequently introduce conflict, especially when she stands her ground against corporate giants and even Ed. Her progressive revelations about the raw injustices encountered by Hinkley residents shift emotional dynamics in scenes, marking her evolution into a central force. Scenes where she stands up for herself, such as her confrontation with Potter, serve to amplify the narrative's stakes and engage the audience.

Suggestions

Explore Erin's emotional journey within pivotal scenes, maximizing their impact.
Consider how to incorporate Erin's presence in quieter moments, emphasizing her influence.

Follow-up Questions

Which specific scenes showcase dramatic shifts due to Erin's interventions?
How do her choices escalate or defuse tension within critical scenes?

Role Fulfillment

Score: 10

As the protagonist, Erin drives the plot, showcasing both her struggles and triumphs. Her role represents not just the fight against injustice, but the broader themes of resilience within adversity. She challenges societal norms and expectations, emerging as a symbol of empowerment for those who are marginalized. Erin's journey underscores the narrative, elevating the themes of justice and courage.

Symbolic Role: Representing resilience and the fight for justice.

Suggestions

Ensure Erin maintains this symbolic role through her interactions with other characters.
Use her narrative arc to further amplify the core themes present in the screenplay.

Follow-up Questions

How does Erin's journey embody the screenplay's larger themes?
What narrative devices reinforce her significance in the story?

Thematic Plot Integration

Score: 10

Erin's story of fighting for the residents of Hinkley exemplifies themes of social justice, environmental responsibility, and personal empowerment. Her determination reflects a deep-rooted desire for change that resonates throughout the narrative, exploring how ordinary people can challenge corporations. Each plot point involving Erin reveals not only her internal struggles but also her role in a broader fight against systemic injustice.

Suggestions

Emphasize moments where Erin's actions reflect the screenplay's themes.
Clarify thematic connections through her experiences and decisions.

Follow-up Questions

How can Erin's character arc further illuminate the overarching themes of the screenplay?
Which moments best highlight the duality of her personal and societal struggles?

Emotional Resonance

Score: 10

Erin's plight resonates deeply with audiences, eliciting sympathy for her struggles as a single mother and an advocate for justice. Scenes showcasing her vulnerability juxtaposed with her fierce determination cultivate a powerful emotional response, engaging viewers and inviting them into her world. By portraying her journey authentically, the screenplay establishes an emotional connection that leaves a lasting impact.

Emotional Impact: Erin's journey evokes strong emotions of empathy and empowerment.

Suggestions

Use musical cues or sound design during pivotal emotional scenes to enhance their impact.
Develop her interactions with other characters to deepen emotional stakes.

Follow-up Questions

What specific scenes most effectively evoke empathy towards Erin's character?
How can her emotional moments be further developed to resonate with audiences?

Personality Types

MBTI: estp

Erin exhibits key ESTP traits; she's pragmatic, action-oriented, bold, and thrives on challenge.

Confidence: 80%

Possible Alternative Type: esfp (60%)

Suggestions

Use Erin's extraverted nature to heighten her presence in multi-character scenes.
Explore moments where her spontaneity either leads to success or chaos.

Follow-up Questions

How do Erin's ESTP traits influence her interactions and choices?
What external challenges could further evoke her problem-solving nature?

George - Score: 77/100

Role

Supporting Character

Personality

MBTI: ESFP
Enneagram: Type 6 (The Loyalist)

Scenes

Strongest: #10
Weakest: #33

Character Analysis Overview

Foundational Definition 7/10

Supportive partner with a rebellious spirit

Complexity And Depth 8/10

Conflicted partner with feelings of inadequacy

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis 6/10

George demonstrates a desire for growth despite feeling stagnant.

Dialogue And Voice 7/10

George's dialogue reflects his straightforward and candid nature.

Behavior And Choices 8/10

George's decisions stem from his desire for stability and respect in his relationship.

Relationship Dynamics 9/10

George’s relationship with Erin showcases a blend of support and tension.

Scene Impact 7/10

George acts as a catalyst for emotional tension to unfold within the main narrative.

Role Fulfillment 8/10

George fulfills the role of the emotional support as well as a source of conflict.

Thematic Plot Integration 9/10

George's journey is deeply intertwined with themes of resilience and partnership.

Emotional Resonance 8/10

Evokes sympathy and tension, challenging audience perceptions.

Foundational Definition

Score: 7

George represents the archetype of the supportive yet challenging partner who exhibits toughness alongside vulnerability. His foundational traits include a strong sense of responsibility, as shown in his willingness to help Erin with her children, as well as his desire for a meaningful relationship where he feels valued. His history as a motorcycle enthusiast and former fighter hints at a rebellious spirit and an aversion to traditional roles, reflecting a lifestyle that values freedom.

Values And Beliefs: Family, loyalty, respect, independence

Strengths And Skills: Strong sense of responsibility, caring nature, knowledgeable about his lifestyle choices

Suggestions

Explore George's background to emphasize his transition from free spirit to committed partner.
Show moments where George grapples with the tension between his free spirit and the responsibilities of fatherhood.

Follow-up Questions

What specific experiences shaped George's views on relationships?
How does George's past as a biker influence his current lifestyle and relationship with Erin?

Complexity And Depth

Score: 8

George grapples with feelings of inadequacy and frustration concerning Erin's dedication to her work at the expense of their relationship. This internal conflict makes him both sympathetic and relatable, showcasing a vulnerability beneath his tough exterior. He desires a deeper emotional connection but struggles with his self-worth as he often feels overshadowed by Erin's career.

Character Wound: Fear of being undervalued in the relationship

Character Flaws: Tendency to withdraw emotionally during conflicts

Suggestions

Include scenes depicting George's inner thoughts during key relationship moments.
Show George's doubts impacting his behavior and decisions regarding Erin.

Follow-up Questions

What moments in George's life contributed to his fear of inadequacy?
How do George's vulnerabilities reflect broader themes in the screenplay?

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis

Score: 6

George's character arc involves navigating his feelings of jealousy and inadequacy while attempting to support Erin's ambitions. He starts as a supportive partner but grows more resentful and frustrated due to Erin's prioritization of work over their relationship. By the conclusion, he must either choose to fully embrace the role of a supportive partner or break free in search of independence.

Polarity Changes: George's relationship with Erin fluctuates between support and resentment.

Transformation Triggers: Moments of conflict with Erin, particularly when she prioritizes work over their relationship.

Suggestions

Clarify key moments that signal George's emotional turning points.
Highlight George's choices in pivotal scenes that reflect his journey.

Follow-up Questions

What finally leads to George's decision to re-engage with Erin?
How would George’s choices shift if he were to prioritize his growth alongside Erin's?

Dialogue And Voice

Score: 7

George’s speech patterns often convey his frustrations and support in a straightforward manner, obscuring deeper emotions with jokes or sarcasm. This approach reveals his unwillingness to dive into emotional complexity but also provides moments of humor, making him relatable.

Unique Voice: Direct, sometimes cynical; speaks plain truths wrapped in humor.

Suggestions

Expand on George's humor to solidify his voice throughout the screenplay.
Incorporate emotional moments where his dialogue evolves into something deeper.

Follow-up Questions

In what ways can George's dialogue be adjusted to emphasize his growth?
How do his interactions with Erin inform his character-building moments?

Behavior And Choices

Score: 8

Throughout the screenplay, George's choices reflect his struggle between supporting Erin and seeking validation within himself. He is often torn, supporting her work but feeling disrespected and sidelined, leading to moments of conflict. His actions, especially his decision to leave during a conflict, illuminate his internal struggle.

Motivations: To be valued and respected in his relationship with Erin, and to manage the responsibilities of the family.

Desires Vs Needs: While he desires recognition as a supportive partner, he deeply needs emotional security and respect.

Suggestions

Highlight additional scenes where George makes decisions based on his emotions toward Erin's dedication.
Show moments where George takes the initiative rather than responding to Erin's actions.

Follow-up Questions

How might George's decisions change if he felt more secure in his relationship?
What specific moments provoke George's key behavioral shifts?

Relationship Dynamics

Score: 9

His interactions with Erin are complex; he acts as both a supportive partner and a critical voice, often leading to tension. Their dynamic enriches the narrative, emphasizing the strains of individuality and partnership. George is protective, yet his frustrations simmer beneath the surface, portraying a character who loves but struggles to communicate effectively.

Suggestions

Explore scenes where George explicitly communicates his needs to Erin.
Add pressure cooker moments that reveal the changing dynamics of their relationship.

Follow-up Questions

What specific incidents cause shifts in their relationship dynamics?
How can George express his feelings to Erin in a more constructive manner?

Scene Impact

Score: 7

In scenes where George is present, he introduces critical emotional conflicts that propel the narrative forward. His reactions often symbolize larger themes of respect, personal inadequacy, and the weight of familial responsibilities, encapsulating a struggle that reflects Erin's own challenges.

Suggestions

Maximize George's scenes to highlight his conflict and connection to Erin's journey.
Enhance moments where George acts as a foil to Erin's emotional eruptions.

Follow-up Questions

What scenes could benefit from more layered interactions between George and Erin?
How might George's absence change the dynamics of key scenes?

Role Fulfillment

Score: 8

George serves as a crucial supporting character throughout the screenplay—acting as both Erin’s ally and a source of tension. He showcases the struggle many partners face when one enters a demanding career, reflecting the societal pressures surrounding relationships and shared responsibilities.

Symbolic Role: He embodies the struggles of personal sacrifice versus the need for recognition.

Suggestions

Increase focus on George's role in pivotal moments to emphasize his significance in Erin’s journey.
Evaluate the moments that contribute to the symbolic relationship dynamics.

Follow-up Questions

What themes does George's character reinforce regarding love and support?
How can his role further evolve as the story progresses?

Thematic Plot Integration

Score: 9

George’s character highlights the balance between personal ambition and familial duty within the story’s overarching themes of justice and sacrifice. Through his struggles, the screenplay examines how relationships evolve in the light of overwhelming challenges, especially in the context of social justice.

Suggestions

Emphasize George's thematic significance through parallel character arcs.
Explore distinct moments where he challenges societal norms.

Follow-up Questions

How do George's personal themes align with Erin's overarching journey?
What moments underscore the thematic resonance of his character?

Emotional Resonance

Score: 8

George effectively captures the audience's emotional investment through his passion and struggles. His character resonates strongly in moments of vulnerability, allowing the audience to empathize with his plight while rooting for Erin’s triumph. His depiction also compels viewers to confront the complexities of love, respect, and understanding.

Emotional Impact: George evokes sympathy and tension, prompting the audience to reflect on relationship dynamics.

Suggestions

Highlight George's vulnerabilities through contemplative scenes.
Elevate moments showcasing emotional breakthroughs in their relationship.

Follow-up Questions

What specific scenes best evoke empathy from the audience?
How can George’s emotional arcs help amplify the film's overall impact?

Personality Types

MBTI: esfp

George displays characteristics of Sociable, Energetic, and hands-on flexibility, indicative of ESFP traits.

Confidence: 75%

Possible Alternative Type: isfp (25%)

Suggestions

Explore opportunities for George to demonstrate spontaneity in character interactions.
Highlight moments that reveal George's emotional depth and personal values.

Follow-up Questions

How would George's ESFP traits challenge or reconcile with Erin's personality?
In what ways could the narrative leverage his creative problem-solving skills?

Enneagram: type 6 (the loyalist)

George showcases qualities of loyalty and anxiety about security, fitting the Type 6 Enneagram description.

Confidence: 80%

Possible Alternative Type: type 9 (the peacemaker) (20%)

Suggestions

Deepen George's conflicts by exploring narratives that push him to choose between loyalty and self-advocacy.
Demonstrate how George's defensive mechanisms influence his interactions with others.

Follow-up Questions

How do his insecurity and need for support manifest in his relationship with Erin?
What would compel George to step outside his comfort zones?

Key Scenes

Strongest Scene (10)

George's strongest scene is when he supports Erin's journey despite his resentment, showcasing his complexity as a partner.

Why: It effectively captures the push-pull dynamic of their relationship and how he navigates his support for her with his emotional struggles.

Weakest Scene (33)

George's weakest moment is when he confronts Erin about her behavior and subsequently leaves.

Why: This illustrates his struggle to communicate openly and effectively, highlighting his emotional withdrawal.

Suggestions:

Include clearer exposition of George's emotions during the argument.
Explore additional moments where he seeks support but feels compelled to withdraw.

Ed - Score: 73/100

Role

Protagonist

Personality

MBTI: ESTJ
Enneagram: Type 3

Scenes

Strongest: #39
Weakest: #22

Character Analysis Overview

Foundational Definition 7/10

Senior partner at a struggling law firm, fighting for justice.

Complexity And Depth 6/10

Faces internal conflicts between duty and ethics.

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis 8/10

Ed experiences growth through his partnership with Erin, learning to balance pragmatism with idealism.

Dialogue And Voice 7/10

Ed's dialogue balances professionalism with warmth, showing his frustrations and enormous compassion.

Behavior And Choices 6/10

Ed often weighs his decisions heavily, leading to instances of indecision during critical moments.

Relationship Dynamics 7/10

The dynamic between Ed and Erin fluctuates between mentor-student and collaborative peers.

Scene Impact 7/10

Ed's presence introduces a blend of authority and vulnerability, which impacts essential scenes.

Role Fulfillment 8/10

Ed functions as the moral center and guiding authority within the firm.

Thematic Plot Integration 9/10

Ed embodies the themes of justice, accountability, and the fight against corporate greed.

Emotional Resonance 8/10

Ed evokes sympathy, embodying the emotional tension through his journey.

Foundational Definition

Score: 7

Ed Masry is a senior partner at a struggling personal injury law firm. He embodies a classical lawyer figure who, while somewhat disillusioned and jaded, ultimately possesses a strong sense of justice. His fundamental value is advocating for individuals against larger corporations, yet he wrestles with the realities of his profession—balancing the pursuit of justice with financial survival.

Values And Beliefs: Justice for individuals, integrity in law practice, financial responsibility.

Strengths And Skills: Legal expertise, negotiation skills, resilience in face of challenges.

Suggestions

Explore Ed's backstory further to comprehend his motivations and fears.
Incorporate more scenes showing Ed mentoring younger lawyers, revealing his knowledge and passion.

Follow-up Questions

What past experiences shaped Ed's current attitudes towards personal injury cases?
How does Ed’s view on success influence his relationship with Erin?

Complexity And Depth

Score: 6

Ed exhibits signs of internal conflict, battling between his duties to his firm and his ethical obligations to his clients. He is aware of the flaws of the legal system, which frustrates him but also drives his determination to seek justice. He has a fear of failure that leads him to make choices that may seem selfish.

Character Wound: Fear of inadequacy and failure in his legal career.

Character Flaws: Occasionally dismissive of others' emotions, overly cautious.

Suggestions

Highlight moments of vulnerability, exploring how Ed's fear of failure shapes his decisions.
Allow Ed to confront his flaws more openly, leading to character growth.

Follow-up Questions

What moments trigger Ed's fear of failure during the trial?
How do Ed's relationships with colleagues reflect his internal conflicts?

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis

Score: 8

Ed starts as a cautious lawyer but shifts significantly as he becomes more invested in the case against PG&E, inspired by Erin's zeal. His character arc represents a journey from complacency towards engagement, igniting a newfound passion for justice.

Polarity Changes: Begins as a separated, disillusioned lawyer who finds renewed purpose through Erin's passion.

Transformation Triggers: Erin's relentless drive and the mounting evidence against PG&E.

Suggestions

Create pivotal emotional moments where Ed shows significant change in his reaction to Erin's approaches.
Clarify his evolving moral stance through dialogue adjustment.

Follow-up Questions

What specific event catalyzes Ed's moral transformation?
How does Ed reconcile his initial self-doubt with his later confidence in the case?

Dialogue And Voice

Score: 7

Ed's speech patterns are laced with legal terminology but punctuated by moments of humanizing warmth and humor. His dialogue reflects both his role in the professional sphere and his attempts at forming personal connections, especially with Erin.

Unique Voice: Balanced, reassuring yet occasionally sarcastic; reflects legal jargon with informal touches.

Suggestions

Introduce moments where Ed punctuates legal dialogue with personal anecdotes that reveal his character.
Allow more moments of vulnerability in his speech when discussing the implications of the case.

Follow-up Questions

How does Ed's dialogue change in high-stress situations versus calmer discussions?
What humorous anecdotes can Ed share that reveal his deeper understanding of justice?

Behavior And Choices

Score: 6

Throughout the screenplay, Ed’s choices often reflect his internal struggle between ambition and morality. He tends to hesitate in conflict situations, showcasing his complex motivations rooted in financial concerns and ethical implications.

Motivations: A desire to win cases while managing the financial sustainability of the firm.

Desires Vs Needs: Wants to maintain firm prosperity but needs to align with ethical practices.

Suggestions

Depict a crucial decision-making moment where Ed faces severe consequences due to his indecision.
Allow Erin to challenge Ed’s decisions more profoundly to heighten drama.

Follow-up Questions

What was Ed's posture when he first realized PG&E's potential manipulation?
How do his choices affect Erin's development and the trajectory of the legal case?

Relationship Dynamics

Score: 7

Ed's relationship with Erin is central to both characters' development. Initially, he assumes a mentor role but also evolves into a peer working alongside her. Their partnership is fraught with tension yet rich in mutual respect as both characters push each other to pursue greater justice.

Suggestions

Illustrate more moments showing the tension of mentor-mentee relationships and its evolution.
Explore how Ed's other relationships in the office reflect different dynamics and contrast with Erin.

Follow-up Questions

How do Ed's other professional relationships shape his partnership with Erin?
What pivotal moment strengthens Ed's respect for Erin throughout the screenplay?

Scene Impact

Score: 7

Ed's actions often place him in pivotal moments where he guides deeper discussions of the legal case. His presence also provides comic relief through his light-hearted jabs, impacting the emotional tone of scenes.

Suggestions

Create scenes where Ed’s emotions directly affect how his decisions are received by others.
Integrate more comic relief that highlights his character traits during high-stakes moments.

Follow-up Questions

Which scene exemplifies Ed's transformation and the impact on his demeanor?
How does his emotional presence influence the plot during critical scenes?

Role Fulfillment

Score: 8

As the senior partner, Ed serves as a guide for Erin and rejuvenates the firm's moral compass, advocating for the plaintiffs while making difficult choices throughout the legal battles. His interactions often reflect the dichotomy between established legal norms and the drive to seek justice.

Symbolic Role: Represents the struggle between personal morals and professional integrity.

Suggestions

Highlight moments in which Ed’s role as a guide is challenged by outside pressures.
Create scenes that test Ed's commitment to justice against the threat of losing the firm.

Follow-up Questions

What deeper principles is Ed fighting for as he navigates complex challenges within the firm?
How does Ed's role evolve after the case against PG&E begins to gain traction?

Thematic Plot Integration

Score: 9

His character journey showcases the overarching theme of fighting for the disenfranchised against powerful entities. Ed tempts the notion of what it means to be a 'successful' lawyer in the legal system while wrestling with ethical dilemmas, making his experiences crucial to the screenplay's central narrative.

Suggestions

Create symbolic moments where Ed’s decisions directly affect the case's outcome, enhancing his connection to the central themes.
Incorporate scenes that juxtapose Ed's development with moments of ethical failures elsewhere in the legal system.

Follow-up Questions

How do the themes of justice versus corporate greed evolve through Ed's actions?
What moments challenge Ed’s beliefs in the legal system as the story progresses?

Emotional Resonance

Score: 8

Ed's character creates emotional highs and lows for the audience as he navigates his relationships and challenges within the case. His struggles evoke sympathy, especially in moments of vulnerability, and his commitment to the plaintiffs underscores the film's central emotional currents.

Emotional Impact: Evokes feelings of sympathy and tension, highlighting the fragility of justice.

Suggestions

Deepen Ed's backstory to explain why he is so passionate about the case, providing more emotional context.
Create moments where Ed's lessons to Erin have notable emotional weight.

Follow-up Questions

What specific events in Ed's journey resonate most with the audience?
How can Ed's decisions push the audience's emotional responses more significantly?

Personality Types

MBTI: estj

Ed's strong organizational skills, leadership qualities, and focus on practical matters align with the characteristics of an ESTJ. He values order, responsibility, and is results-oriented.

Confidence: 85%

Possible Alternative Type: entj (75%)

Suggestions

Explore moments that reflect Ed's focus on logical decision-making.
Highlight instances where his organizational skills shine, showcasing his strengths.

Follow-up Questions

What particular scenes might illustrate Ed's ESTJ traits more distinctly?
How can Ed express his leadership qualities while navigating challenges?

Enneagram: type 3

Ed exhibits characteristics of an Enneagram Type 3, often striving for achievement and fearing failure while also seeking validation from others. His drive for success in his work highlights this.

Confidence: 80%

Possible Alternative Type: type 1 (70%)

Suggestions

Integrate moments that reflect Ed's fears of inadequacy in the workplace.
Highlight how Ed's drive influences his decisions throughout the screenplay.

Follow-up Questions

What aspects of Ed's journey demonstrate his Type 3 motivations?
How might Ed's desire for achievement clash with his ethical duties?

Key Scenes

Strongest Scene (39)

Ed's warmth towards Erin after her successful efforts shows his ability to evolve and learn from her drive.

Why: This moment encapsulates the personal growth between the two characters and solidifies their professional relationship.

Weakest Scene (22)

During heated arguments, Ed struggles to assert his authority, revealing vulnerability.

Why: For someone in his position, it undermines his established character of being a composed lawyer.

Suggestions:

Strengthen Ed's resolve through dialogue where he stands firmly against criticism.
Heighten the stakes of this argument to reinforce why he needs to maintain authority.

Theme

Theme Details

Theme Explanation

Environmental Justice (35%)

The film highlights the issue of environmental contamination and its impact on the health and well-being of a community. Erin's fight for justice against PG&E exposes the devastating consequences of corporate negligence and the need for accountability in environmental protection.

Environmental justice refers to the equitable distribution of environmental benefits and burdens, ensuring that no particular group bears a disproportionate share of environmental risks or harms.

Strengthening Environmental Justice:

Suggestion Type	How to Strengthen the Theme
Dialogue - Scene 9	Have Donna express her concerns about PG&E's compensation, highlighting the inadequacy of their support and the severity of her family's health issues. This would emphasize the profound impact of the contamination.
Action - Scene 12	Include a scene where Erin confronts Jane or Brenda about her missing belongings in a more determined and assertive manner. This would showcase her growing confidence and tenacity.
Character Arc - Scene 16	Develop Ed's character arc by adding a subtle moment of hesitation or internal conflict when he initially receives the low settlement offer from PG&E. This would foreshadow his later decision to fight for justice.
Visual - Scene 21	Incorporate a visual cue to symbolize the emotional toll the investigation takes on Erin. For instance, show her hands shaking or her reflection in a mirror displaying a weary expression.
Story Arc - Scene 28	Expand on the aftermath of Erin's confrontation with Ed. Show her rebuilding her life by spending time with her kids, reflecting on her journey, or finding new sources of support.

Women Empowerment (25%)

Erin's character embodies resilience, determination, and a refusal to be undermined by societal expectations. Her journey from a single mother struggling to make ends meet to a successful legal advocate challenges gender stereotypes and empowers women to embrace their strength.

Women empowerment refers to promoting women's sense of self-worth, their ability to make choices, and their right to control their own lives.

Corporate Greed and Accountability (20%)

The film exposes the unethical practices of PG&E, a corporation that prioritized profits over the health and safety of the community it served. Erin's relentless pursuit of justice highlights the importance of holding corporations accountable for their actions and ensuring they operate responsibly.

Corporate greed refers to the excessive pursuit of profits without regard for ethical or social consequences, while accountability involves holding corporations responsible for their actions and ensuring they operate in a manner that benefits society.

Human Connection and Community (15%)

Despite the adversity she faces, Erin finds support and strength in her relationships with her family, friends, and the community she fights for. The film emphasizes the transformative power of human connection and the importance of collective action in overcoming challenges.

Human connection refers to the emotional and social bonds between individuals, while community involves a sense of belonging to a group and working together for common goals.

Overcoming Adversity (5%)

Erin's journey is marked by countless obstacles and setbacks, from personal struggles to legal challenges. However, she demonstrates unwavering determination and resilience, constantly rising above adversity to fight for what is right.

Overcoming adversity refers to the ability to persevere and triumph over challenges, obstacles, and setbacks.

Screenwriting Resources on Themes

Articles

Site	Description
Studio Binder	Movie Themes: Examples of Common Themes for Screenwriters
Coverfly	Improving your Screenplay's theme
John August	Writing from Theme

YouTube Videos

Title	Description
Story, Plot, Genre, Theme - Screenwriting Basics	Screenwriting basics - beginner video
What is theme	Discussion on ways to layer theme into a screenplay.
Thematic Mistakes You're Making in Your Script	Common Theme mistakes and Philosophical Conflicts

Robert McKee: "The audience doesn’t go to the movies to see plot; they go to feel emotion, to be moved."

Scene by Scene Emotions

Goals and Philosophical Conflict
internal Goals	The protagonist's internal goals evolved from seeking legal help for a personal injury case to fighting for justice for the victims of toxic exposure.
External Goals	The protagonist's external goals evolved from providing for her family to uncovering evidence of corporate negligence and pursuing fair compensation for the victims.
Philosophical Conflict	The overarching philosophical conflict revolves around the clash between personal integrity and systemic negligence in the pursuit of justice and accountability.

Character Development Contribution: The evolving goals and conflicts contribute to the protagonist's growth from a struggling single mother to a determined advocate for justice, showcasing her resilience, empathy, and commitment to making a difference.

Narrative Structure Contribution: The goals and conflicts drive the narrative forward by creating tension, challenges, and turning points, leading to a compelling journey of discovery, advocacy, and triumph over adversity.

Thematic Depth Contribution: The goals and conflicts deepen the thematic exploration of justice, morality, corporate responsibility, and personal values, highlighting the complexities of navigating ethical dilemmas and fighting for what is right in a system that often prioritizes profit over people.

Screenwriting Resources on Goals and Philosophical Conflict

Articles

Site	Description
Creative Screenwriting	How Important Is A Character’s Goal?
Studio Binder	What is Conflict in a Story? A Quick Reminder of the Purpose of Conflict

YouTube Videos

Title	Description
How I Build a Story's Philosophical Conflict	How do you build philosophical conflict into your story? Where do you start? And how do you develop it into your characters and their external actions. Today I’m going to break this all down and make it fully clear in this episode.
Endings: The Good, the Bad, and the Insanely Great	By Michael Arndt: I put this lecture together in 2006, when I started work at Pixar on Toy Story 3. It looks at how to write an "insanely great" ending, using Star Wars, The Graduate, and Little Miss Sunshine as examples. 90 minutes
Tips for Writing Effective Character Goals	By Jessica Brody (Save the Cat!): Writing character goals is one of the most important jobs of any novelist. But are your character's goals...mushy?

What's going on here? - Scenes are rated on many critreia. The goal isn't to try to maximize every number; \ It's to make you aware of what's happening in your scenes. You might have very good reasons to have character development but not advance the story, or have a scene without conflict. Obviously if your dialogue is really bad, you should probably look into that.

Abbreviate Headers

Story Content

Character Development

Scene Elements

Audience Engagement

Technical Aspects

			Story Content			Character Development				Scene Elements					Audience Engagement				Technical Aspects
Click for Full Analysis	Tone	Overall	Concept	Plot	Originality	Characters	Character Changes	Internal Goal	External Goal	Conflict	Opposition	High stakes	Story forward	Twist	Emotional Impact	Dialogue	Engagement	Pacing	Formatting	Structure
1 - Erin's Car Accident and Introduction to Masry & Vititoe	Sarcastic, Humorous, Dramatic	8	8	7	9	9	7	8	7	8	7	7	8	7	7	8	9	8	8	8
2 - Erin's Testimony	Defensive, Emotional, Sarcastic	8	8	8	9	9	8	8	7	9	8	9	8	7	9	9	9	8	8	8
3 - A Mother's Desperation	Angry, Desperate, Depressed	8	8	7	9	8	7	8	7	7	7	7	7	7	9	7	9	8	8	8
4 - Confrontation and Employment	Defiant, Frustrated, Confrontational, Sympathetic	8	8	7	9	9	7	9	8	8	8	7	7	8	8	8	9	8	8	8
5 - Erin's Chaotic Evening	Defiant, Sarcastic, Heartfelt	8	7	7	9	9	7	8	7	6	7	6	7	8	7	8	9	8	8	8
6 - Ed's Request and Erin's Struggle	Sarcastic, Frustrated, Defiant	8	8	7	7	9	6	8	7	7	7	6	8	6	7	8	8	8	8	8
7 - The Balancing Act	Tender, Resigned, Sarcastic	8	7	8	9	9	7	8	7	6	7	6	7	7	8	7	9	8	8	8
8 - Erin Brockovich's Investigation Begins	Serious, Informative, Inquisitive	8	8	7	8	9	7	8	7	6	7	7	8	7	6	7	9	8	8	8
9 - Chromium Concerns	Serious, Empathetic, Informative	8	8	7	9	8	6	9	8	6	7	7	7	7	7	8	9	8	8	8
10 - Uncovering the Truth	Suspenseful, Investigative, Informative	8	8	7	9	7	6	8	7.5	6	8	7	8	9	6	7	9	8.5	8	8
11 - Erin's Discovery	Curious, Determined, Skeptical, Efficient	8	8	7	8	7	6	8	7.5	6	8	7	8	7	6	8	9	8.5	8	8
12 - A Day of Confrontations and Frustrations	Defiant, Frustrated, Confrontational, Resentful	8	7	8	9	9	7	8	7	8	8	7	8	7	9	8	9	8	8	8
13 - Erin's Breakdown	Emotional, Intimate, Reflective, Frustrated	8	8	7	9	9	8	8	7	6	7	5	6	7	9	7	9	8	8	8
14 - Confrontation and Resolution	Serious, Confrontational, Suspenseful, Emotional	8	8	8	8	9	8	8	7	8	8	7	9	7	9	7	9	8	8	8
15 - Road Trip Conversations and Toxic Water Discovery	Suspenseful, Investigative, Concerned, Determined, Worrisome	8	8	7	9	8	6	8	7	7	7	8	8	7	7	7	9	8	8	8
16 - Confrontation and Denial at the Law Firm	Tense, Confrontational, Emotional, Suspenseful	8	8	8	9	7	7	9	8	9	8	9	9	7	8	9	9	8	8	8
17 - Ed's Fury and a Troubling Discovery	Tense, Emotional, Serious, Intense	8	8	8	8	7	8	8	7	7	7	8	9	7	9	8	9	8	8	8
18 - The Road to a Settlement	Serious, Tense, Informative, Confrontational	8	8	8	9	8	7	8	7.5	8	8	8	8	8	7	7	9	8.5	8	8
19 - Erin's Determination to Fight for Justice	Serious, Intense, Emotional, Investigative	8	8	8	9	8	8	9	8	7	8	8	8	7	9	7	9	8	8	8
20 - Erin's Determination	Intense, Determined, Confrontational, Emotional	9	9	9	9	8	8	8	9	9	8	8	9	8	9	8	9	9	9	9
21 - Erin's Water Contamination Investigation	Suspenseful, Intense, Determined, Defiant	8	8	8	9	7	7	8	7	9	8	9	9	8	8	7	9	8	8	8
22 - A Day of Mixed Emotions	Intense, Emotional, Suspenseful	8	7	8	9	8	8	8	9	9	8	9	9	7	9	7	9	8	8	8
23 - Empathy and Discomfort	Intense, Emotional, Informative	8	8	8	8	7	8	8	7	7	7	8	9	7	9	9	9	8	9	9
24 - Ed and Erin's Collaboration and the Christmas Party	Intense, Emotional, Serious, Romantic, Tense	8	8	8	9	9	8	8	7	7	8	7	8	7	9	8	9	8	8	8
25 - Clash of Wills	Tense, Emotional, Confrontational, Intense	8	8	7	9	9	7	8	7	9	8	9	8	7	8	8	9	8	8	8
26 - Erin's Suspicious Encounter	Intense, Suspenseful, Emotional	8	8	8	8	7	7	9	8	9	8	9	8	8	8	7	9	9	9	9
27 - A Night of Conflict and Frustration	Tender, Reflective, Emotional, Introspective	8	8	7	9	9	8	8	7	6	8	5	6	7	9	7	9	8	8	8
28 - Erin's Confrontation and Unforeseen Compensation	Angry, Frustrated, Defiant, Confrontational, Resentful	8	7	8	9	9	7	9	8	9	8	7	8	7	8	9	9	8	8	8
29 - The Decision	Serious, Intense, Emotional, Confrontational	8	8	8	9	8	7	9	8	8	8	9	9	8	9	7	9	9	9	9
30 - Team Tension and Personal Conflict	Tense, Confrontational, Defiant, Intense	8	8	9	9	8	7	8	7	9	8	8	9	8	7	9	9	8	8	8
31 - Broken Windows and Heated Discussions	Tense, Emotional, Serious	8	7	9	9	8	7	8	7	9	8	9	9	7	8	7	9	8	8	8
32 - A Mother's Night of Turmoil	Angry, Emotional, Intense, Confrontational	8	8	7	9	9	8	9	8	9	8	8	8	7	9	8	9	8	8	8
33 - Erin's Illness	Serious, Tense, Regretful	8	7	8	8.5	9	7	8	7.5	8	8	7	7	8	9	8	9	8.5	8	8
34 - The Arbitration Conflict	Tense, Emotional, Confrontational	8	8	8	9	7	7	9	8	9	8	9	9	8	9	7	9	8	8	8
35 - A Tense Meeting and a Desperate Call	Tense, Angry, Frustrated, Defiant, Determined	8	8	9	9	8	7	8	7	9	8	9	9	8	8	7	9	8	8	8
36 - A Glimmer of Understanding	Tense, Reflective, Emotional, Intimate	8	7	8	9	8	7	8	7	7	7	7	8	7	8	7	8	8	8	8
37 - Erin's Advocacy and Intriguing Encounter	Tense, Suspenseful, Emotional, Intense, Intriguing	8	8	8	9	7	7	8	7	9	8	9	8	7	8	7	9	8	8	8
38 - Shredding the Truth: Erin Uncovers PG&E's Contamination Documents	Tense, Suspenseful, Confrontational, Revealing	9	8	9	9	9	8	9	8	8	8	8	9	8	8	9	9	9	9	9
39 - Reclamation and Redemption	Triumphant, Hopeful, Emotional	9	8	9	9	9	8	9	8	6	7	7	9	7	9	8	9	8	8	8
40 - Unexpected Generosity	Tense, Confrontational, Emotional	8	8	8	8	9	8	8	7.5	9	8	8	9	9	9	9	9	8	8	8

Summary of Scene Level Analysis

Here are some things that came out of the scene level analysis.
This is a summary of the strengths, weaknesses, and suggestions found in each scene. Some things might appear in both strengths and weaknesses based on the variety of your scenes.
For summary of each criteria click in the top row on the criteria.

Scene Strengths

Strong character development
Emotional depth
Engaging dialogue
Tension-filled conflict
Compelling plot development

Scene Weaknesses

Some cliched moments
Limited external conflict
Repetitive dialogue
Lack of character development in certain scenes
Slightly predictable outcomes

Suggestions

To minimize cliched moments, try subverting audience expectations and giving characters unexpected traits or plot developments
To increase external conflict, consider expanding the setting or adding in additional characters or obstacles for the protagonist to face
To combat repetitive dialogue, make sure each character has a distinct voice and way of speaking, and vary up the types of conversations they have
To ensure consistent character development, make sure each scene has a clear purpose and objective for the character, and that their actions and decisions are in line with their established traits and motivations
To avoid predictable outcomes, try introducing twists or surprises that shake up the story or challenge the characters' beliefs and plans

World Building

Physical environment: The screenplay takes place in Southern California, in suburban areas, offices, courthouses, and rundown neighborhoods. The physical environment influences the characters' experiences by shaping their living conditions, their access to resources, and their exposure to pollution and health risks.
Culture: The screenplay depicts a culture of resilience, determination, and struggle in the face of adversity. The characters come from various backgrounds and face different challenges, including financial difficulties, single parenthood, health issues, and corporate negligence.
Society: The screenplay reflects the societal structures of economic disparities, gender roles, and power dynamics. The characters navigate complex social hierarchies, where their positions and relationships shape their opportunities and limitations.
Technology: Technology plays a supporting role in the screenplay, with the presence of cars, phones, computers, and medical equipment. While technology provides convenience and facilitates communication, it also highlights the disparities in resources between different characters and communities.
Characters influence: The world elements shape the characters' experiences and actions by providing the context for their struggles, motivations, and decisions. The physical environment influences their living conditions and exposure to hazards, the culture shapes their values and coping mechanisms, the society defines their roles and opportunities, and technology offers tools and resources that can both help and hinder their efforts.
Narrative contribution: The world elements contribute to the narrative by providing the backdrop for the events and conflicts of the screenplay. They create a sense of place, establish the characters' relationships with their surroundings, and provide obstacles and opportunities that drive the plot.
Thematic depth contribution: The world elements contribute to the thematic depth of the screenplay by exploring issues of social justice, environmental responsibility, and the power of individuals to make a difference. They highlight the consequences of corporate negligence, the importance of community support, and the resilience of the human spirit.

Voice Analysis
Summary:	The writer's voice is characterized by sharp and realistic dialogue, vivid descriptions, and a blend of humor and drama. The dialogue is direct, passionate, and emotionally charged, reflecting the characters' determination and resilience. The narrative is filled with tension, conflict, and emotional depth, highlighting the complexities of the characters' struggles and relationships.
Voice Contribution	The writer's voice contributes to the script by enhancing the authenticity and emotional impact of the characters' experiences. The sharp dialogue and realistic interactions create a sense of intimacy and relatability for the audience, drawing them into the characters' world. The blend of humor and drama adds depth and complexity to the characters, highlighting their conflicting personalities and motivations.
Best Representation Scene	14 - Confrontation and Resolution
Best Scene Explanation	This scene could serve as the encapsulation of the writer's unique voice in the screenplay due to its sharp dialogue, nuanced character interactions, and thematic depth. The writer's voice is evident in every line, contributing to the scene's impact and meaning.

Style and Similarities

The screenplay exhibits a consistently strong writing style characterized by sharp dialogue, complex character dynamics, and thought-provoking themes. The dialogue is particularly noteworthy for its wit, realism, and ability to drive the narrative forward.

Style Similarities:

Writer	Explanation
Aaron Sorkin	Aaron Sorkin's influence is evident throughout the screenplay. His signature style of rapid-fire dialogue and intense character confrontations is present in multiple scenes, creating an engaging and thought-provoking experience for the reader.
David Mamet	David Mamet's influence is also discernible in several scenes. His focus on power dynamics, moral ambiguity, and the tension between characters is reflected in the screenplay's dialogue and interactions.
Greta Gerwig	Greta Gerwig's influence contributes to the screenplay's emotional depth and realistic character interactions. Her ability to capture the nuances of relationships and explore themes of personal growth and redemption is evident in several poignant scenes.
Erin Brockovich	Erin Brockovich's influence is seen in the screenplay's focus on social justice issues and strong female protagonists. Her ability to balance character-driven storytelling with thematic depth is evident in several scenes that explore the struggles and triumphs of individuals fighting for justice.

Other Similarities: The screenplay also demonstrates versatility in its ability to blend different styles and influences. It seamlessly transitions between scenes with sharp, witty dialogue to moments of intense emotional depth and moral conflict. This versatility contributes to the richness and complexity of the overall narrative.

Top Correlations and patterns found in the scenes:

Pattern	Explanation
Emotional Intensity and Scene Length	Scenes with higher emotional impact tend to be shorter in length.
Dialogue and Emotional Impact	Scenes with more dialogue generally have a lower emotional impact, while scenes with less dialogue tend to have a higher emotional impact.
Characterization and Tone	Scenes with a more lighthearted tone tend to focus on character development, while scenes with a more serious tone tend to focus on plot.
Pacing and Tone	Scenes with a faster pace tend to have a more urgent or suspenseful tone, while scenes with a slower pace tend to have a more reflective or emotional tone.
Conflict and Emotional Impact	Scenes with more conflict tend to have a higher emotional impact.

Writer's Craft Overall Analysis

Based on the analysis of multiple scenes from the screenplay, it is evident that the writer possesses a strong grasp of storytelling techniques and has a knack for creating engaging and compelling narratives. The writing showcases a consistent level of quality, with well-developed characters, sharp dialogue, and well-paced plots. However, there are a few key areas where further improvement can enhance the overall impact and effectiveness of the screenplay.

Key Improvement Areas

Scene Structure and Pacing

Several scenes could benefit from a tighter structure and more efficient use of pacing. Some scenes tend to drag or lose focus, which can disrupt the flow of the narrative.

Character Development and Depth

While the characters are generally well-developed, some could benefit from greater depth and complexity. Exploring their inner motivations, backstories, and conflicts can make them more relatable and engaging for the audience.

Dialogue and Subtext

The dialogue is often strong and natural, but a few scenes could benefit from more subtext and emotional depth. Exploring what characters leave unsaid can add layers of meaning and create a more engaging experience for the audience.

Suggestions

Type	Suggestion	Rationale
Book	Read 'Save the Cat!' by Blake Snyder	This book provides valuable insights into structuring scenes and developing characters, which can help improve the overall pacing and impact of the screenplay.
Screenplay	Study the screenplay of 'Erin Brockovich' by Susannah Grant	This screenplay is a well-written example of a character-driven legal drama that effectively develops its characters, explores complex themes, and maintains a strong narrative flow.
Video	Watch 'A Few Good Men' directed by Rob Reiner	This film showcases exceptional dialogue and character interactions within a legal setting, providing valuable lessons for crafting engaging and impactful dialogue.
Exercise	Practice writing scene outlines before drafting full scenesPractice In SceneProv	Outlining scenes helps ensure a clear structure, identify essential plot points, and prevent scenes from becoming bloated or unfocused.
Exercise	Conduct character interviews to develop their motivations and backstoriesPractice In SceneProv	Asking yourself questions about each character's past, fears, and desires can help flesh them out and create more well-rounded and relatable individuals.
Exercise	Write dialogue that reveals subtext and hidden meaningsPractice In SceneProv	Exploring what characters do not say explicitly can add depth and nuance to the dialogue, making it more engaging and thought-provoking for the audience.

Additional Notes: Overall, the screenplay showcases the writer's promising talent for storytelling. By addressing the highlighted areas for improvement and consistently practicing the suggested exercises, the writer can refine their craft, enhance the impact of their narratives, and captivate audiences with even more compelling and memorable screenplays.

Here are different Tropes found in the screenplay

Trope	Trope Details	Trope Explanation
Damsel in Distress	Erin is in a car accident and is injured, leaving her vulnerable and in need of help.	A damsel in distress is a female character who is placed in a difficult or dangerous situation and relies on a male character to save her. An example of this trope is Princess Peach in the Mario video game series.
鱼rsonal Transformation	Erin starts out as a single mother struggling to make ends meet, but through her work on the PG&E case, she transforms into a confident and successful woman.	Personal transformation is a trope where a character undergoes a significant change in personality, appearance, or both. An example of this trope is Ebenezer Scrooge in the novel A Christmas Carol.
Fish Out of Water	Erin is a single mother and waitress who is suddenly thrust into the world of law and high-stakes litigation.	Fish out of water is a trope where a character is placed in an unfamiliar or uncomfortable environment. An example of this trope is Forrest Gump in the 1994 film of the same name.
The Power of One	Erin is the only one who believes in the case against PG&E and is willing to fight for the plaintiffs.	The power of one is a trope where a single individual makes a difference against all odds. An example of this trope is Mahatma Gandhi in the 1982 film Gandhi.
The Power of Love	Erin's relationship with George helps her to overcome her personal and professional challenges.	The power of love is a trope where love conquers all. An example of this trope is Romeo and Juliet in the 1597 play of the same name.
The Power of Friendship	Erin's friends and colleagues help her to fight for the plaintiffs.	The power of friendship is a trope where a group of friends overcome challenges together. An example of this trope is the Scooby-Doo gang in the Scooby-Doo cartoon series.
The Power of Belief	Erin believes in the plaintiffs' case and is willing to fight for them, even when the odds are stacked against her.	The power of belief is a trope where a character's belief in something gives them the strength to overcome challenges. An example of this trope is Luke Skywalker in the Star Wars film series.
The Power of Knowledge	Erin's knowledge of the law and the facts of the case helps her to win.	The power of knowledge is a trope where a character's knowledge gives them the advantage in a situation. An example of this trope is Sherlock Holmes in the Sherlock Holmes novel series.
The Power of Will	Erin's determination and willpower help her to overcome the challenges she faces.	The power of will is a trope where a character's determination and willpower help them to overcome challenges. An example of this trope is Rocky Balboa in the Rocky film series.
The Power of Courage	Erin's courage helps her to stand up for what she believes in, even when it is difficult.	The power of courage is a trope where a character's courage helps them to overcome challenges. An example of this trope is Atticus Finch in the novel To Kill a Mockingbird.

Memorable lines in the script:

Scene Number	Line
28	Erin: I want my fucking money
20	Erin: I know the difference between right and wrong!
21	Erin: People are dying, Ross. You got document after document here, right under your nose, that says why, and you haven't said word one about it. I wanna know how the hell you sleep at night.
4	Erin: I'm not everyone else, Mr. Masry. I'm someone you made promises to that you didn't deliver on. I trusted you. With my kids' well-being. Now, I'm smart, and I'm hard-working, and I'll do anything. But if you think I'm leaving here without a job, you got another thing coming.
16	Ed: I will present your offer to my clients. I doubt they'll accept it.

Some Loglines to consider:

A determined single mother fights for justice against a negligent company by uncovering their cover-up.
Erin Brockovich takes on a powerful energy company to prove their negligence and achieve victory in court.
Through hard work and perseverance, Erin Brockovich inspires others to fight for justice in the face of adversity.
Despite facing mistrust among plaintiffs, Erin Brockovich convinces them to sign release forms for a potential settlement.
Inspired by a car accident, Erin Brockovich takes matters into her own hands and demands a job at a law firm to expose a cover-up and fight for justice.

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ERIN BROCKOVICH
A True Story

by

Susannah Grant

February 1, 1998

EXT. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA SUBURB, MAIN DRAG - DAY

Palms sway ... the sun washes everything in yellow ... cars
motor down either side of the landscaped median ... the calls
of mockingbirds mingle with the BLIP BLIP of car alarms.

ON THE SIDEWALK, a SKATEBOARD CA-LUNKS down the sidewalk,
past the foot traffic of Southern Californians: flip-flops,
Doc Marten's, Rollerblades, Nikes ... then, in the middle of
this pedestrian normalcy, a pair of IMPOSSIBLY HIGH SPIKE-
HEELED PUMPS struts out of a shop. So high it hurts to look
at them. As the shoes leave frame, we TILT UP and see
they're leaving a 99-cent store.

As the Pumps turn and head up the street, we see they are
connected to a pair of IMPOSSIBLY LONG, SHAPELY LEGS.
Eveready legs -- they just keep going and going.

They saunter past two BUSINESSMEN on a lunch break. The men
pause and glance as men tend to when they see a beautiful
woman. In fact, everyone this woman passes lets their eyes
rest on her a microsecond longer than usual.

- Two SKATEBOARDERS note the STRETCHY MICRO-MINI skimming the
tops of her thighs.

- A MAILMAN spots the BIG, DARK SUNGLASSES tucked into a
MOUNTAIN OF BIG, BLOND HAIR.

- A PRE-TEEN GIRL glimpses the PLUNGING NECKLINE of the
TIGHT, BRIGHT RED MIDRIFF-BARING BUSTIER.

It isn't until she rounds the corner at the end of the block
that we see her entire figure and appreciate why everyone is
so goggle-eyed. Eye-catching is an understatement. All
those folks who say Barbie's proportions are unrealistic have
obviously never met ERIN BROCKOVICH.

EXT. AROUND THE CORNER - DAY

A side street. No pedestrians, just parked cars. A PARKING
TICKET flaps under the wiper of an old Hyundai.

ERIN
Fuck.

Even when she talks dirty, there's a heartland goodness to
her voice. Like Kansas corn fields swaying in the breeze.

As she grabs the ticket from the windshield, her sunglasses
accidentally CLATTER to the ground.

ERIN
Shit.

When she picks them up, a fingernail snags on the pavement.

ERIN
God damn it.

She tends to the nail as she opens her car door and gets in.

WIDER ON THE STREET

The Hyundai starts it up, signals. Then, just as it pulls
slowly out into the street, a JAGUAR barrels around the
corner, accelerating out of the turn, and rams into the side
of Erin's car, sending it CAREENING into the median. It
SMASHES into a foot-thick lightpost. And stops.

EXT. MASRY & VITITOE - DAY

A boring building on a boring block in the Valley, surrounded
by strip malls. Definitely not where the power lawyers work.

ROSALIND (O.S.)
Morning, Mr. Masry. How you doing today?

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION - DAY

Generic. Cottage cheese ceilings, motel art. A sign over
the reception desk reads: MASRY & VITITOE, ATTORNEYS AT LAW.

ED MASRY, senior partner, slumps by ROSALIND, his chipper
receptionist, with a cup of coffee in his hand. He's in his
mid-50's, compact and -- even though it's only 9 AM --
already rumpled.

ED
Don't ask that on Mondays, Rosalind.

Whatever passion he once had for the personal injury law that
is his career has long since dissipated. He trundles off
toward his office.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, OUTSIDE ED'S OFFICE - DAY

Ed's secretary BRENDA -- 50's, jaded, hates her job, but what
can you do? -- is on the phone when Ed rounds the corner.
She puts the call on hold, turns to Ed.

BRENDA
Tony Marvin.

ED
Oh, Jesus. Who's responsible for his pain
and suffering this time?

BRENDA
His dry cleaners. You want him?

ED
What do you think? What's this?

He grabs a gift-wrapped bottle off her desk, reads the card.

BRENDA
Tequila. From your drug dealer friend.

ED
Carlos isn't a friend; he's a client.

BRENDA
He's a low-life. Speaking of which, that's
your nine o'clock in there.

Ed peers into his office. It's a mess -- papers everywhere,
unopened mail. Standing in the middle of the room is Erin,
in a teensy, leopard-print mini-dress. As she jiggles a
spike-heeled foot, everything about her shimmies gloriously.
Except her head, which is held in place by a neck brace.

ED
Whoa.
(to Brenda)
Remind me.

BRENDA
Erin Brockovich. Car accident. Not her
fault, she says.
(sarcastic)
And she looks like such an honest girl, don't
you think?

ED
You shouldn't judge, Brenda.

BRENDA
Right. Lap-dancers are people too.

As Ed heads into his office, Brenda picks up the phone.

BRENDA
I can't find him, Tony. We'll have to call
you back.

Genres: Drama, Comedy
Tone: Sarcastic, Humorous, Dramatic

Summary Erin Brockovich, a strikingly attractive woman, experiences a car accident after leaving a 99-cent store. The accident brings her to the attention of Ed Masry, a senior partner at Masry & Vititoe, who becomes her potential legal representative. The scene introduces the conflicts of Erin's legal case and Ed's lack of enthusiasm.

Strengths

Engaging characters
Sharp dialogue
Effective introduction of main character

Weaknesses

Slightly predictable setup
Some cliched character interactions

General Critique

The scene opens with a detailed description of Erin's appearance, focusing on her physical attributes in a way that objectifies her rather than establishing her character or the plot.
The car accident feels like a cliched and overused plot device to introduce a character, lacking originality and depth.
The dialogue between Ed and Brenda feels forced and lacks subtlety, making their characters come across as one-dimensional.
The introduction of Erin in revealing clothing and a neck brace seems contrived and sensationalized, detracting from the authenticity of the character and the story.
The interactions between the characters lack nuance and depth, relying on stereotypes and cliches to drive the narrative forward.
The setting and descriptions lack specificity and fail to create a vivid and engaging visual world for the audience.
The tone of the scene shifts abruptly from light-hearted banter to a serious accident, creating a jarring effect on the audience.
The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, failing to establish the central conflict or theme of the screenplay.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Focus on developing Erin's character beyond her physical appearance, emphasizing her personality, motivations, and backstory.
Reconsider the use of the car accident as a plot device, exploring more original and meaningful ways to introduce Erin to the audience.
Work on creating more authentic and nuanced dialogue between the characters, allowing for subtlety and depth in their interactions.
Avoid sensationalizing Erin's appearance and circumstances, opting for a more realistic and grounded approach to storytelling.
Enhance the setting and descriptions to create a vivid and immersive world for the audience, adding depth and richness to the visual storytelling.
Establish a clear tone and narrative direction for the scene, ensuring that each element serves a purpose in advancing the plot and developing the characters.
Consider revising the scene to focus on character development, thematic exploration, and engaging storytelling to captivate the audience.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY

Not an office that exudes authority, and Ed's blustery
entrance only adds to the sense of chaos.

ED
Erin -- hi. Sorry you had to wait. Here,
sit down, sit down.

He clears a stack of papers off a chair.

ERIN
Thanks a lot.
(as she sits)
I tell you, I never thought just standing
would take it out of me, but ever since that
shithead hit me, it feels like my whole
body's put together wrong.

Ed gives her a look of pro-forma sympathy.

ED
Jesus, you poor thing.
(he sits)
Well, listen, you came to the right place.
Whoever did this to you made one hell of a
mistake, and you and me, we're gonna make
him pay for it.

He takes out a pad and paper, gets ready to write.

ED
Why don't you tell me what happened?
DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA COURTROOM - DAY

Erin is on the stand, wearing the most conservative thing she
owns: a red, form-fitting mini dress, telling her story to
Ed, who's questioning her.

ERIN
I was pulling out real slow, and out of
nowhere, his Jaguar comes racing around the
corner like a bat outta hell ...

She glances at the defendant's table, where a DOCTOR sits
nobly in surgical scrubs. His WIFE and two beautiful KIDS
are behind him. A frigging Norman Rockwell painting.

LATER IN HER TESTIMONY:

ERIN
They took some bone from my hip and put it
in my neck. I didn't have insurance, so I'm
about seventeen thousand in debt right now.

STILL LATER:

ERIN
... couldn't take painkillers cause they
made me too groggy to take care of my kids.

STILL LATER:

ERIN
... Matthew's six, Katie's four, and Beth's
just nine months.

STILL LATER:

ERIN
... just wanna be a good mom, a nice person,
a decent citizen. Just wanna take good care
of my kids. You know?

ED
(oh so moved)
Yeah. I know.

INT. COURTROOM - LATER

Erin is still on the stand. But now the doctor's lawyer is
questioning her.
DEFENDING LAWYER
Seventeen thousand in debt. Whew. Is your
ex-husband helping out?

ERIN
Which one?

DEFENDING LAWYER
(feigning shock)
There's more than one?

ERIN
Yeah. There's two. Why?

Erin looks over at the jury. The personification of
conservative family values. Oh, shit.

LATER IN HER TESTIMONY:

ERIN
(getting defensive)
... not like a career, cause I had my babies.
But I woulda worked, for sure, if I didn't
have this neck thing.

Erin sees a juror staring judgmentally at her short hem.
Erin gives it a tug, pulling it down a stitch.

DEFENDING LAWYER
(sarcastic)
Right. No doubt.

Erin sees a few jurors share dubious glances. Great.

STILL LATER:

The defendant's lawyers is on the offensive. Erin's starting
to feel the case slipping away.

DEFENDING LAWYER
So. You must've been feeling pretty
desperate that afternoon.

ERIN
(pointed)
What's your point?

Ed shakes his head slightly to her -- don't get mad.

DEFENDING LAWYER
Broke, three kids, no job. A doctor in a
Jaguar must've looked like a pretty good
meal ticket.

Erin sees jurors nodding almost imperceptibly in agreement.
She's on a sinking ship.

ERIN
What? Hey -- he hit me.

DEFENDING LAWYER
So you say.

ERIN
He came tearing around the corner, out of
control --

DEFENDING LAWYER
An ER doctor who spends his days saving
lives was the one out of control --

ERIN
(erupting)
That asshole smashed in my fucking neck!

Genres: Drama, Legal
Tone: Defensive, Emotional, Sarcastic

Summary Single mother Erin seeks justice after a car accident leaves her with significant injuries and debt. In court, she testifies about the accident, but her credibility is challenged by the defense attorney who suggests she is exaggerating her claims. Erin's emotional testimony and flashbacks highlight the physical and emotional impact of the injuries as well as her feelings of guilt and shame.

Strengths

Emotional depth
Strong character development
Tense conflict

Weaknesses

Stereotypical portrayal of the defendant's lawyer

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear transition from Erin's car accident to her meeting with Ed in his office, making the connection between the two events feel disjointed.
The dialogue between Ed and Erin in the office feels a bit cliched and lacks depth, missing an opportunity to establish a more nuanced dynamic between the characters.
The courtroom testimony scenes provide important background information about Erin's situation but could benefit from more emotional depth and authenticity in Erin's responses.
The interaction between Erin and the defending lawyer in the courtroom lacks subtlety and comes across as overly dramatic, diminishing the impact of the scene.
The scene could benefit from more visual cues and descriptions to enhance the setting and create a more immersive experience for the audience.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider adding a smoother transition between the car accident and the office meeting to improve the flow of the scene.
Focus on developing more authentic and nuanced dialogue between Ed and Erin to establish a stronger connection between the characters.
Enhance the emotional depth of Erin's courtroom testimony to make her character more relatable and engaging to the audience.
Tone down the dramatic elements in the courtroom scenes to create a more realistic and impactful portrayal of Erin's situation.
Include more visual descriptions and cues to enrich the setting and create a more vivid and engaging scene for the audience.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. COURTHOUSE HALLWAY - DAY

The door to the courtroom flies open and Erin comes out,
furious. Ed follows her as she heads for the elevator.

ERIN
Open and shut? Open and fucking shut?

ED
If you hadn't used profanity --

ERIN
Oh, please, it was long over by then. God
damn, he made me look like some cheap --

ED
I told you the questions might get a little
personal --

ERIN
Bullshit. You told me I'd get half a
million dollars. You told me I'd be set.

Ed notices her ranting is starting to draw attention.

ED
Okay -- let's try and settle down here.

ERIN
Settle down? I got 74 bucks to my name, Mr.
Masry! I can't afford to settle down!

Beat.

ED
I'm sorry, Erin.

ERIN
Yeah? Well, fuck you. Sorry doesn't feed my
kids.

Erin turns away from him and heads for the stairway.

EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - DAY

A shitty little house in a shitty part of Northbridge. The
Hyundai with a bashed-in side pulls up to the curb.

Erin gets out, takes the mail from her mailbox, then heads
over to the equally grim house next door and rings the bell.

A Hispanic woman in her 60's opens the door, holding a white
baby. This is MRS. MORALES.

MRS. MORALES
Hi, Erin! You're back so soon. How was it?

She hands Erin the baby. It's BETH, Erin's 9-month old.
Erin avoids the question by focusing on her baby.

ERIN
Hi, sweetie. Were you a good girl? Where
are Matt and Katie?

MRS. MORALES
Outside with the sprinkler. So it's good?

The truth is too depressing to share.

ERIN
It'll be fine, yeah.

MRS. MORALES
Ai, bueno. Because I didn't want to tell
you before, with your worries --

ERIN
What?

MRS. MORALES
My daughter, she's bought a big house with a
room for me. I'm going to move in with her.

ERIN
You're moving away? When?

MRS. MORALES
Next week.

ERIN
(stunned)
Wow, that's soon --

MRS. MORALES
I know. But it's good for me. Now I can
help my daughter take care of my grandkids.
And it's good for you, too. Now you have
money, you can find a good babysitter, huh?
Not the old lady next door.

Oh, God. In Erin's arms, Beth starts to COUGH.

EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - DAY

Erin carries Beth up to her house. As she nears her door,
she steps on a GIANT WATER BUG. It crunches under her sole.

ERIN
Ugh.

Insult added to injury. She heads up to the house, dragging
her shoe, wiping off the bug guts.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MAIN LIVING/DINING SPACE - DAY

Just as dull inside. Salvation Army furniture. A lot of
beige. Erin's two older kids, MATTHEW (7) and KATIE (5) are
at the table. Beth is in a baby seat. Erin spoons some Mac
& Cheese onto their plates, trying to hide her worry.

MATTHEW
I don't like this part, it's all crusty.

KATIE
I like the crust.

Erin switches the plates.

ERIN
Put your napkins in your laps and eat up.

KATIE
How come you're not eating?
Cause there isn't enough food.

ERIN
Mamma's gonna eat later.

From her baby seat on the table, Beth COUGHS some more.
Thick, sick-sounding coughs. Erin looks at her.

ERIN
Don't go getting sick on me, baby. Okay?

INT. ERIN'S BATHROOM - NIGHT

The shower and sink are both on full, filling the room with
STEAM. Erin is seated with COUGHING, CRYING Beth on her lap,
trying to steam the illness out of her.

ERIN
It's gonna be okay, sweetheart. I promise.

But her face doesn't look like she believes it.

EXT. DRUGSTORE - DAY

Matt and Katie are messing around with a gumball machine.

INT. DRUGSTORE, AISLE - DAY

Erin is holding Beth, wandering the aisles. She stops at the
medicines, thinks for a long moment, then, hating herself,
glances to make sure no one's looking, and picks up a bottle.

INT. DRUGSTORE, AT THE REGISTER - DAY

As a CUSTOMER steps away from the register, Erin steps up
with the bottle in her hand and smiles at the CHECK-OUT LADY.

ERIN
Hi, remember me? I was in yesterday. Bought
a whole mess of stuff? Round about five?

CHECK-OUT LADY
Honey, it's a zoo here at five. I'm lucky
if I even see a face, much less remember it.

ERIN
Oh, shoot, yeah, I guess that'd be tough.
Well, listen, I meant to buy my baby here
some medicine, and by the time I got home, I
realized I'd bought the adult stuff by
mistake. And now, wouldn't you know, I
can't find the receipt. I was wondering --
could I maybe exchange it anyway ...

Genres: Drama
Tone: Angry, Desperate, Depressed

Summary After a disastrous courtroom outcome, Erin confronts her lawyer, Ed, blaming him for the result and revealing her dire financial situation. She picks up her baby, Beth, from her neighbor's house, only to learn that they are moving away. At home, she discovers a giant water bug, adding to her frustrations. Erin worries about Beth's coughing and attempts to steam out the illness. Desperate, she steals children's medicine from a drugstore to help her sick baby.

Strengths

Emotional depth
Character development
Realistic portrayal of struggles

Weaknesses

Slightly predictable narrative progression
Some dialogue may feel cliched

General Critique

The scene starts with a strong emotional outburst from Erin, which sets the tone for her frustration and desperation.
There is a clear contrast between Erin's financial struggles and the mundane setting of her house and neighborhood, which effectively conveys her dire situation.
The introduction of Mrs. Morales moving away adds another layer of disappointment and loss to Erin's life, further emphasizing her challenges.
Erin's interaction with her children and the concern for her sick baby Beth adds depth to her character and showcases her struggles as a single mother.
The scene effectively builds tension and empathy for Erin as she navigates through her difficult circumstances.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider adding more visual cues or descriptions to enhance the setting and atmosphere of Erin's house and neighborhood.
Explore opportunities to delve deeper into Erin's emotional state and inner thoughts to further engage the audience.
Provide more context or background information on Erin's financial struggles and the impact on her family to create a more well-rounded character arc.
Consider incorporating subtle hints or foreshadowing of future events to keep the audience intrigued and invested in Erin's journey.
Focus on building the emotional connection between Erin and the audience by highlighting her resilience and determination in the face of adversity.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY

Erin feeds Beth her medicine, feeling miserable about it.

ERIN
Just remember. No matter what your Mamma
does, lying and stealing is real bad. I
don't ever wanna hear you doing something
like that ...

On the table beside her sit the classifieds. Row after row
of want ads circled, then X-'d out in red. A WATER BUG
crawls across the edge of the paper.

ERIN
... Cause there's no excuse for it, you hear
me? No excuse at all.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY

Midday. Ed enters with a cup of coffee in his hand. As he
heads to his desk, he trips on a box of files. Coffee
sloshes out of his cup, onto his shirt.

ED
Damn it!
(calling out)
Brenda!

She pops her head in.

BRENDA
Yeah?

He grabs a tissue, swabs his shirt, then kicks at the box.

ED
What the hell is this doing here?

BRENDA
It's those files you asked for.

ED
I didn't mean for you to leave them in the
middle of the floor. Jesus. Look at me.
What do I have this afternoon?

BRENDA
Nothing you can't show up for with a stain.
As Ed checks his reflection in the glass wall of his office,
he notices, on the other side:

ERIN, standing in the middle of the secretaries' area, in a
miniskirt and leather bustier, talking to MARIO, the firm's
mentally challenged office boy. Mario heads away from her.

ED
What's she doing here?

BRENDA
Who?

Ed goes to his office door and waves Mario over.

ED
Hey -- Mario -- what's she doing here?

MARIO
She works here.

Ed looks back at her -- what the hell?

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY

The support staff -- mostly middle-aged women -- are all
stealing glances at Erin. Ed comes up to her, all friendly.

ED
Erin! How's it going?

Up close, the wear and tear of worry show on her face.

ERIN
You never called me back. I left messages.

ED
You did? Wow, sorry about that.
(beat)
Listen, Mario's a little not so bright. He
seems to think that you said --

ERIN
There's two things I can't stand, Mr. Masry.
Being ignored, and being lied to. You did
both.

Glances skitter between the secretaries -- get a load of
this. Ed lowers his voice.

ED
I never lied. I may have miscalculated --
that happens sometimes, but --

ERIN
You said things would be fine, and they're
not.

ED
I'm sorry about that. Really. But --

ERIN
I don't need pity. I need a paycheck. And
I've looked, but when you've spent the last
six years raising babies, it's real hard to
convince someone to give you a job that pays
worth a damn. So I figure, since you're the
one who said I was gonna be okay, you should
be the one to hire me.

Ed sees everyone watching him, listening.

ED
I'd love to help, Erin, but I'm sorry, I
have a full staff right now, so --

He starts to escort her out, but she stays put.

ERIN
Bullshit. If you had a full staff, you'd
have time to return your damn phone calls.

She's backing him into a corner here. He shifts gears.

ED
Okay, look. If you really want to apply for
a job here, you can do it the way everyone
else does. Send in a rÈsumÈ, make an --

ERIN
I'm not everyone else, Mr. Masry. I'm
someone you made promises to that you didn't
deliver on. I trusted you. With my kids'
well-being. Now, I'm smart, and I'm hard-
working, and I'll do anything. But if you
think I'm leaving here without a job, you
got another thing coming.

Ed glances around the room. Not a whole lot of options here.
He looks back at Erin.

ED
No benefits.
INT. MASRY & VITITOE, FILE ROOM - DAY

A tight office lined with file cabinets and shelves. ANNA,
the humorless file clerk, is showing Erin around.

ANNA
... what we do in here is keep track of all
the case files. That way, at any time, we
can find out a case's status -- where it is
in the office, stuff like that. We file 'em
all here, alphabetically --

ERIN
Oh, hell.
(beat)
I'm dyslexic.

ANNA
That's a joke, right?

Erin shakes her head, no. Great, thinks Anna.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY

As Anna shows Erin around the office, they pass JANE, the
bitter office manager, and Brenda, at the coffee area.

JANE
Just last week, he told my sister we weren't
hiring.

BRENDA
What's your sister look like?

Genres: Drama, Legal
Tone: Defiant, Frustrated, Confrontational, Sympathetic

Summary Erin confronts Ed about his broken promises and demands a job. Despite her dyslexia, Ed reluctantly hires her into the file room. Anna, a skeptical file clerk, shows Erin around the office, leading to potential conflicts in the future.

Strengths

Strong character development for Erin
Tension-filled dialogue
Emotional resonance

Weaknesses

Slightly predictable outcome

General Critique

The scene transitions abruptly from Erin feeding her baby medicine to her confronting Ed in his office, which feels disjointed and lacks a smooth flow.
The dialogue between Erin and Ed feels forced and overly dramatic, with Erin's lines coming across as confrontational and aggressive.
The introduction of Erin's dyslexia in the file room feels random and disconnected from the rest of the scene, lacking a clear purpose or relevance to the overall story.
The interaction between Erin and the other office staff, particularly Jane and Brenda, feels superficial and lacks depth, failing to add meaningful context or development to the scene.
The scene lacks a clear resolution or impactful ending, leaving the audience hanging without a satisfying conclusion or sense of progression.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider restructuring the scene to create a more cohesive narrative flow, with smoother transitions between different locations and interactions.
Tone down the confrontational dialogue between Erin and Ed to make their interaction more realistic and relatable, focusing on building tension and conflict in a more subtle way.
Integrate Erin's dyslexia into the scene in a more organic and meaningful manner, tying it to her character development or the challenges she faces in her new job.
Develop the interactions between Erin and the office staff to add depth and complexity to the relationships, providing insights into Erin's character and the dynamics within the workplace.
Provide a more satisfying resolution or cliffhanger at the end of the scene to keep the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Ed is packing up his office. Erin sticks her head in.

ERIN
Mr. Masry?

He turns, sees her.

ED
Yeah?

ERIN
I was wondering -- could you tell me who I'd
talk to about maybe getting an advance on my
paycheck? Just -- for the weekend.
ED
Jane's the office manager. She handles
payroll and petty cash. But she leaves early
on Fridays.

ERIN
Oh. Okay. That's okay.

Ed looks at her a moment, sees that it's far from okay.

ED
Oh, for Christ's sake ...

He takes out his wallet, looks in.

ED
All I have is hundreds.

ERIN
I don't wanna take your money, Mr. Masry.

ED
Bullshit, you don't.

He slaps a hundred in her hand and leaves. When he's gone,
she looks at the bill -- her life raft -- and gives it a
great big kiss.

EXT. BABYSITTER'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Erin is at the door, taking Beth from the BABYSITTER, a
shabby, unkempt-looking woman in her 40's. Katie and Matt
pull on their backpacks and troop out of the sitter's house.

EXT. SUPERMARKET - NIGHT

Erin is leaving the store, carrying Beth in one arm and a bag
of groceries in the other. Katie and Matt are each carrying
a bag of groceries as well. They are all singing and moving
with the jaunty step of the newly carefree. Katie spots a
flower display outside the store.

KATIE
Mommy, can I get a flower?

ERIN
Sweetheart, you can get a whole big bunch.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MATT AND KATIE'S ROOM - NIGHT

A small room with Salvation Army furniture. A BUNCH OF
DAISIES is propped in a Ragu jar on Katie's bedside table.
Matt and Katie are asleep in bed. Erin looks down at them,
smiles, then kisses them good-night.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, HALLWAY - NIGHT

Erin comes out of the bedroom and softly closes the door.
But just as the handle clicks into place, the house is filled
with the DEAFENING ROAR of a MOTORCYCLE, REVVING and REVVING.
It sounds as if it's gonna drive through the wall.

EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Erin steps out onto her front stoop and looks over at what
used to be Mrs. Morales's house. A few MOTORCYCLES are
parked on the lawn; A FEW BIKERS are drinking beer on the
stoop; and one asshole is on his bike, REVVING HIS ENGINE.

ERIN
Hey!

But of course he can't hear her. She walks over to him,
stands right in his line of vision.

ERIN
HEY!

He sees her and kills the engine. Everything about GEORGE
HALABY is tough -- his denim, his leather, his bike, his long
hair. Everything but his eyes, which twinkle like Santa's.

GEORGE
Well, hello to you, darlin'.

ERIN
What the hell do you think you're doing,
making all that Goddamn noise?

GEORGE
Just introducing myself to the neighbors.

ERIN
Well, I'm the neighbors. There, now we're
introduced, so you can shut the fuck up.

The guys on the porch chuckle. Erin turns and starts back to
her house. George hops off his bike and follows her.

GEORGE
Ooh, now, see, if I'da known there was a
beautiful woman next door, I'da done this
different. Let's start over. My name's
George. What's yours?
ERIN
Just think of me as the person next door who
likes it quiet, and we'll get along fine.

GEORGE
Now, don't be like that. Tell you what.
How about if I take you out on a date to
apologize for my rudeness?

Erin shakes her head in disbelief and keeps walking.

GEORGE
Come on. Gimme your number, I'll call you
up proper and ask you out and everything.

She stops at her porch, turns to him.

ERIN
You want my number?

GEORGE
I do.

ERIN
Which number do you want, George?

GEORGE
You got more than one?

ERIN
Shit, yeah. I got numbers coming out of
my ears. Like, for instance, ten.

GEORGE
Ten?

ERIN
Sure. That's one of my numbers. It's how
many months old my little girl is.

GEORGE
You got a little girl?

ERIN
Yeah. Sexy, huh? And here's another: five.
That's how old my other daughter is. Seven
is my son's age. Two is how many times I
been married and divorced. You getting all
this? 16 is the number of dollars in my
bank account. 454-3943 is my phone number.
And with all the other numbers I gave you,
I'm guessing zero is the number of times
you're gonna call it.

She turns and heads inside. He calls out after her:

GEORGE
How the hell do you know your bank balance
right off the top of your head like that?
See, that impresses me.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION AREA - DAY

Morning. Erin walks in, wearing her usual garb. She passes
the coffee area, where Jane, Brenda, and Anna are milling.
Brenda sees her, gives Anna a nudge. They both check out her
short hem. Anna nudges Jane, who looks as well. Erin
glances over just in time to see all three of them staring at
her judgementally. She stops in her tracks and stares back.

ERIN
Y'all got something you wanna discuss?

The women go back to stirring their coffees. Erin walks on.

Genres: Drama, Comedy
Tone: Defiant, Sarcastic, Heartfelt

Summary Erin, struggling financially, secures an advance from Ed. She runs errands, buys groceries with her kids, and purchases flowers for her daughter. After tucking her kids in, Erin confronts George, a noisy biker neighbor. Despite his flirting, she asserts her boundaries. The scene concludes with Erin resuming work at Masry & Vititoe.

Strengths

Strong character development
Witty dialogue
Resilient protagonist

Weaknesses

Low stakes
Lack of major plot progression

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, as it meanders between Erin asking for an advance on her paycheck, encountering her noisy biker neighbor George, and their interaction.
The dialogue between Erin and George feels forced and lacks depth, relying heavily on cliched banter and predictable interactions.
The scene fails to effectively build tension or advance the overall plot of the screenplay, feeling more like a filler moment rather than a meaningful progression of the story.
The introduction of George as a potential romantic interest for Erin feels contrived and lacks authenticity, detracting from the more compelling aspects of Erin's legal battle and personal struggles.
The visual descriptions and setting lack depth and fail to create a vivid and engaging atmosphere for the scene.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Focus on streamlining the scene to have a clear purpose and contribute meaningfully to the overall narrative.
Develop the dialogue between Erin and George to be more authentic, nuanced, and reflective of their characters' motivations and conflicts.
Consider integrating elements that further the main plotline, such as Erin's legal battle or her personal challenges, to ensure the scene contributes to the overall story arc.
Explore ways to add depth and complexity to the interactions between characters, moving beyond surface-level interactions and cliched exchanges.
Enhance the visual descriptions and setting to create a more immersive and engaging environment that enhances the emotional impact of the scene.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY

Ed is walking into his office with a coffee cup in his hand
when he trips over the same box of files again.

ED
Damn it!
(calling out)
Brenda!
(no answer)
BRENDA!

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, FILE ROOM - DAY

Erin is alone, filing as she talks on the phone.

ERIN
How long's she been crying like that? ...
Well, she's got that tooth coming in --

Ed appears in the door, carrying the box of files.

ERIN
Give her a cold washcloth to suck on --
(sees Ed)
I gotta go -- there's a clean one in that
bag -- I'll check back in a bit.
(hangs up)
Sorry. My kid --

ED
Where's Anna?

ERIN
Out to lunch with the girls.

ED
Oh. Huh.
(beat)
Well, look, I got this file I need valued.
Real estate thing. A lady has some property
next to a PG&E plant that PG&E wants to buy.
I need to know what to ask for it.

He plunks the box of files on her desk. She stares at it,
with no idea of how to go about that.

ERIN
Oh. Okay.

He sees her staring at the box.

ED
You do know how to do that, don't you?

ERIN
Yeah. I got it. No problem.

ED
Good.

Ed heads out, but pauses before leaving.

ED
You're a girl.

ERIN
Excuse me?

ED
How come you're not at lunch with the girls?
You're a girl.

ERIN
I guess I'm not the right kind.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, FILE ROOM - NIGHT

Erin is at her desk, staring bewildered at the files from the
box Ed gave her, which are now spread across her desktop.
She sees Anna packing up her things, to leave.

ERIN
Anna? With this real-estate valuing stuff -
- could you remind me, cause I'm a little
confused about how exactly we do that.

ANNA
(exasperated)
Erin, you've been here three weeks. If you
don't know how to do your job by now, I am
not about to do it for you.

EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Katie and Matt are running up to the house. Erin follows,
toting Beth under one arm and the box of documents under the
other. She steps on another water bug.

ERIN
Ugh.

As she wipes the bug guts off the bottom of her shoe:

GEORGE (O.S.)
Hey, neighbor, wanna beer?

She spots George on his stoop, with a six-pack beside him.

ERIN
No.

GEORGE
C'mon. I bought 'em for you, to make up for
that night.

ERIN
Return 'em. Maybe you'll get your money
back.

He gets up and follows her to her house.

GEORGE
Now, why're you giving me such a hard time?
I'm just trying to be a good neighbor.

Erin turns to him. The kids are waiting at the door.

ERIN
I had a good neighbor, George. She was 60
and Mexican and she watched my kids for
free. Something tells me you're not gonna
be able to measure up to that.

GEORGE
You need help with your kids? I could
probably do that.

George reaches out and grabs the box from under her arm.

ERIN
I'm not gonna leave my kids with you.

GEORGE
Why not?

ERIN
Cause I don't even know you.

GEORGE
Yeah, and whose fault is that?

He's got a point there. After a beat:

GEORGE
What, you got so many friends in this world,
you don't have use for one more?

Genres: Drama, Comedy
Tone: Sarcastic, Frustrated, Defiant

Summary Ed gives Erin a real estate file to value, but leaves before she can ask for help. Erin becomes overwhelmed and frustrated, as she doesn't know how to do the task. Anna is exasperated by Erin's confusion and leaves without assisting her. Erin refuses to leave her kids with George, despite needing help, as she hesitates to trust him due to his past behavior.

Strengths

Strong character development
Engaging dialogue
Realistic portrayal of struggles

Weaknesses

Some cliched moments
Predictable character interactions

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear focus and direction, jumping between different locations and conversations without a cohesive thread.
The dialogue feels disjointed and lacks depth, with interactions between Erin and Ed feeling forced and lacking emotional impact.
The character interactions between Erin and George are underdeveloped and lack authenticity, making their dynamic feel superficial.
The scene fails to effectively convey Erin's struggles and frustrations, with her actions and reactions coming across as contrived and lacking depth.
There is a lack of subtlety in the character interactions, with dialogue feeling forced and unnatural, detracting from the authenticity of the scene.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Focus on developing a clear central conflict or theme for the scene to provide a sense of purpose and direction.
Work on creating more nuanced and authentic dialogue that reflects the emotional depth and complexity of the characters' interactions.
Explore the relationship between Erin and George in more depth to add layers to their dynamic and make their interactions more engaging.
Enhance Erin's internal struggles and frustrations to make her character more relatable and compelling to the audience.
Add subtlety and nuance to the character interactions to create a more realistic and engaging portrayal of the relationships in the scene.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

George is on the floor with Matt and Katie, playing War.
Katie points to the Harley emblem on his leather jacket.

KATIE
What's that stand for?

GEORGE
That's for Harley Davidson. The best damn
motorcycle ever made.

Erin comes in from the kitchen.

ERIN
And if I catch either of you anywhere near
one, I'll knock you silly. Go on to bed,
now -- I'll come tuck you in in a minute.

They get up ...

GEORGE
Night.

KATIE/MATT
Night.
... and head into bed. George starts cleaning up the cards.

GEORGE
Great kids.

Erin bends down to help him.

ERIN
Yeah. I'm probably ruining them.

GEORGE
How?

ERIN
I'm never here. I gotta leave 'em with this
weird sitter all afternoon who costs a
fortune and smells like chicken fat.

GEORGE
I was serious before, you know. If you need
someone to keep an eye on them -- after
school or something -- I don't have a job
now, so I'm around in the afternoons.

ERIN
Great. Another deadbeat.

GEORGE
I'm not a deadbeat. I work when I need to.

ERIN
Yeah? And what do you do the rest of the
time, live off your trust fund?

GEORGE
I do construction, which pays real good.
And I make it last by living cheap.

ERIN
(with a little laugh)
I hope that's not supposed to impress me.

GEORGE
Are you this hard on everyone who tries to
help you?

ERIN
It's been a while. Maybe I'm just out of
practice.

GEORGE
Then lemme remind you, the polite thing is
to say, thank you, that's a real nice offer,
I don't mind taking you up on it.

ERIN
Why in the hell would you want to watch my
kids?

GEORGE
Cause I like kids. I like hanging out with
them.

ERIN
Right.

She starts cleaning up the cards.

GEORGE
I do. I like how they keep it all simple,
you know? They don't get all complicated
about life, like grown-ups do. A bicycle
and an ice cream cone -- boom, done, they're
happy.

Erin thinks about the offer.

ERIN
You're around every afternoon?

GEORGE
Yup. Usually working on my bike.
(she's tempted)
No big deal. If it doesn't work out, you
can send 'em back to the chicken fat lady.

Tempting. Erin looks him over.

ERIN
This isn't gonna get you laid, you know.

GEORGE
(with a laugh)
Yeah, we'll just see about that, won't we?

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

The wee hours. Erin's in a t-shirt, sitting on her mattress
on the floor. The paperwork from the box is now spread all
over the floor around her. She's reading a letter.

CLOSE ON THE LETTER
It's from PG&E, to Donna and Peter Irving. We see the
phrases, "purchase your house ...", "fair market value ..."

CLOSE ON ANOTHER DOCUMENT

It's a list of comparable house sales in the area. Owner,
cost; owner, cost. Every house is in the $65,000 range.

From another room, she hears the sound of BETH CRYING. Still
reading the file, Erin gets up and goes into:

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, BETH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Still reading, Erin gets Beth out of her crib. Beth quiets.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Erin lies down on the mattress and rests Beth on her chest.
She sets down the file she was reading and picks up another.

CLOSE ON THE FILE

It contains a letter from a Dr. Howard Reeves. The first
paragraph contains the phrase "... medical examination of
Donna and Peter Irving ..."

Toward the end of the letter, there are two columns. One is
headed: "IN RANGE". The other: "OUT OF RANGE". Under that
head appear the following: "lymphocytes, T-lymphocytes,
natural killer cells, T Helpers, T8 suppresser cells".

Erin stares at it, confused.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, COFFEE AREA - DAY

Erin is talking to Jane, who's pouring herself coffee.

ERIN
It was in this real estate file I'm valuing.
And -- see, I know they're the medical
records from the people selling the house --
but it talks about things like lymphocytes
and T8 suppressers.

Erin sees Ed pass behind Jane. She lowers her voice, so he
won't see her asking for help.

ERIN
I mean, it's not a problem or anything, but
-- I'm just a little unclear on what those
things are. I thought maybe you'd know.
JANE
What do I look like, Erin? A library?

And Jane walks away with her coffee.

EXT. UCLA MAIN LIBRARY - DAY

Large. Looming. Very establishment. Through the windows,
we see Erin at the desk, talking to a LIBRARIAN. She has the
file in her hands. Over this:

ROSALIND (O.S.)
Masry & Vititoe, can I help you?

ERIN (O.S.)
Hi, Rosalind, this is Erin. Brockovich.
From the file room? I was wondering if you
could tell Mr. Masry that I'm following up
on that real estate thing out of the office.

The librarian gives her directions to somewhere else.

Genres: Drama, Family
Tone: Tender, Resigned, Sarcastic

Summary Erin and George play War with her children, Katie and Matt. Erin tells the children to go to bed and George offers to help her with them since she's never home due to her long work hours. Erin initially declines but later accepts. As Erin reads paperwork in bed, she's confused by some medical terminology and asks Jane for help, but Jane is dismissive. Erin visits the UCLA Main Library to find more information.

Strengths

Emotional depth of characters
Realistic portrayal of single parenthood challenges
Subtle character development

Weaknesses

Some dialogue may come off as cliched or predictable

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear focus and direction, jumping between different interactions and locations without a cohesive thread.
The dialogue feels forced and lacks depth, with interactions between Erin and George coming off as cliched and predictable.
The character development is weak, with Erin and George's interactions feeling superficial and lacking emotional depth.
The scene fails to build tension or create a sense of urgency, resulting in a lackluster and unengaging sequence of events.
The transition between different locations and interactions is abrupt and disjointed, making it difficult for the audience to follow the narrative flow.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Focus on developing a central conflict or theme for the scene to give it more depth and purpose.
Work on creating more authentic and meaningful dialogue between Erin and George to make their interactions more engaging and realistic.
Explore the characters' motivations and emotions more deeply to add complexity and depth to their interactions.
Consider restructuring the scene to create a more coherent and engaging narrative flow, with smoother transitions between locations and interactions.
Add elements of tension, suspense, or emotional resonance to make the scene more compelling and impactful.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

EXT. UCLA MEDICAL LIBRARY - DAY

Smaller, but still establishment. Erin's Hyundai pulls into
the parking lot.

INT. UCLA MEDICAL LIBRARY - DAY

Erin is at the reference desk, eating a candy bar while she
talks to the LIBRARIAN. He checks something on the computer.
A couple of WHITE-COATED MEDICAL STUDENTS pass her, double-
taking. They don't see many like her around here.

INT. UCLA SCIENCE BUILDING, HALLWAY - DAY

A long, academic hallway lit by fluorescents. Erin gets off
an elevator and heads down the hall. She finds a door with a
nameplate that reads "Jim Paulsen, Epidemiology" and KNOCKS.

The door opens and DR. JIM PAULSEN appears. He's a classic
scientist: unruly hair, thick glasses. Nothing like Erin has
ever shown up at his door. He reels at the sight of her.

ERIN
Dr. Paulsen?

PAULSEN
Yes?

ERIN
Hi, I'm Erin Brockovich. I was just over in
the library there, asking a mess of
questions about -- I guess they call it
epidemiology? -- and the fella there told me
to find you, cause you know all about it.

PAULSEN
(suspicious)
Is this a joke? Did Baxter put you up to
this?

ERIN
Who's Baxter?

PAULSEN
He did, didn't he? Baxter!

BAXTER, another scientist, leans out of a door down the hall.

BAXTER
Yeah?

Baxter and Erin look at each other. No recognition, of
course. Paulsen is immediately embarrassed.

PAULSEN
Oh. Oh.

ERIN
No one put me up to anything. I was just
hoping I could ask you a couple questions.

PAULSEN
(mortified)
Of course! Oh, gosh, of course --

INT. PAULSEN'S OFFICE - DAY

Orderly chaos. Dr. Paulsen, still recovering, has Erin's
file in his hands. Erin is sitting across from him.

PAULSEN
Well, look, there isn't a ton of information
here, but from what there is, I'd say that
these two people here -- what are their
names? Shanna and Ashley?

ERIN
Right, I guess those are the kids --

PAULSEN
They've both got some immune system problem.
Can't say what from, whether it's viral or
genetic or what, but something's wrong. And
these guys -- Donna and Peter --

ERIN
Their parents, I'm pretty sure.

PAULSEN
Well, from what this stuff says, I'd say
they both have some form of cancer.

Wow. That's more serious than Erin was expecting.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY

CLOSE ON THE FILE on the kitchen counter. The Irvings' phone
number is written on the front. A PHONE IS RINGING.

ERIN (O.S.)
Whoa, whoa! Easy, easy, easy --

WIDEN to see Erin, phone to her ear, grabbing a carton of
juice from Matt and Katie, who are fighting over it at the
table. Just as she takes it from them, the phone picks up.

DONNA'S VOICE (O.S.)
Hi! You've reached the Irvings. Leave a
message and we'll get back to you just as
soon as we can. Bye-bye.

BEEP. Erin thinks a bit, then hangs up and looks at the
file. Scrawled on the cover is the Irvings' address, in
Hinkley, California.

EXT. L.A. FREEWAY - DAY

The beat-up old Hyundai heads east out of L.A. DISCO MUSIC
blares from its speakers.

EXT. HINKLEY, CA - DAY

This is a dry, desolate part of California. No downtown, no
community. Just tract after tract of arid farmland, with
small, bland, unprotected ranch home cropping up out of the
landscape like occasional tombstones.

A beat-up old sign on the road reads: "HINKLEY, CA. POP: "
but the corner where the number would be has broken off.

As a gust of wind lifts dust from the fields, Erin turns onto
Community Boulevard, the main road that cuts through Hinkley.

INT. ERIN'S HYUNDAI - DAY
Erin looks around. The house she's passing has been razed.
A heap of lumber and wires in the middle of the property.

As she checks the piece of paper with Donna's address, she
drives by the PG&E COMPRESSOR STATION, a massive gray
structure of pipes, chimneys and ladders, set way back from
the road. Erin passes it without noticing it.

She stops at an intersection. The house on the corner has
been boarded up with plywood. Erin notices it -- depressing
-- then turns the corner onto Donna's street.

EXT. DONNA IRVING'S HOUSE - DAY

A generic ranch home standing all alone in the middle of
nothing. There's a pool out back and a chain link fence
hugging the property. No landscaping. Dull, but clean. A
few BOTTLES OF SPRING WATER wait by the door.

The Hyundai pulls into the driveway and stops. Erin gets
out. As she heads up to the door, her spike heels sink into
the dirt. She rings the bell. It has a melody chime.

DONNA IRVING opens the door. She's 35, petite, with a
scrappy, high-strung manner. She's wearing tight jeans, and
her dark curls are piled on top of her head.

ERIN
Hi. Donna Irving?

DONNA
Yes?

ERIN
I'm Erin Brockovich, from Masry & Vititoe?

DONNA
(a little surprised)
You're a lawyer?

ERIN
Hell, no. I hate lawyers. I just work for
them. You got a minute?

Genres: Drama, Legal
Tone: Serious, Informative, Inquisitive

Summary Erin Brockovich visits the UCLA Medical Library to learn more about epidemiology and meets with Dr. Paulsen, who shares information about health issues in Hinkley. Erin drives to Hinkley and introduces herself to Donna Irving, a concerned mother whose family is suffering from unexplained health problems.

Strengths

Unique character introduction
Engaging concept
Character development

Weaknesses

Dialogue could be more dynamic
Emotional impact could be stronger

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear transition from Erin's visit to the UCLA Medical Library to her arrival at Donna Irving's house in Hinkley, California. The abrupt shift in location can be disorienting for the audience.
The introduction of Dr. Jim Paulsen feels rushed and lacks depth. More context about his character and his initial suspicion of Erin could add layers to the interaction.
The dialogue between Erin and Dr. Paulsen feels somewhat forced and lacks a natural flow. The conversation could benefit from more organic exchanges and a deeper exploration of the scientific information being shared.
The visual descriptions in the scene are minimal and could be enhanced to create a more vivid and immersive setting for the audience.
The transition from Erin's visit to the UCLA Medical Library to her drive through Hinkley, California could be smoother to improve the overall pacing and coherence of the scene.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider adding a brief establishing shot or transition to visually connect Erin's departure from the library to her arrival in Hinkley, providing a smoother transition for the audience.
Develop Dr. Jim Paulsen's character further to create a more engaging interaction with Erin, adding depth to his initial suspicion and eventual collaboration with her.
Refine the dialogue between Erin and Dr. Paulsen to make it more natural and engaging, focusing on the scientific information being shared and the impact it has on Erin.
Enhance the visual descriptions in the scene to create a more immersive setting, painting a clearer picture of the locations and characters involved.
Work on the pacing and coherence of the scene by refining the transition between locations and ensuring a smoother flow of events for the audience to follow.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. THE IRVINGS' HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY

The house is furnished with little money, but lots of care.
Erin's on a plaid couch, in a sea of needlepoint pillows.
Out back, two GIRLS, ages 9 and 11, are playing in a pool.

ERIN
This is a real nice place you got here.

DONNA (O.S.)
Well it oughta be, with all the work I put
into it.

She comes out from the kitchen with a tray of iced tea.

DONNA
I added air conditioning, put in the pool,
made all those pillows by hand ...

ERIN
Yeah? I should learn to do stuff like that.
They make the place feel real homey.

Donna corrects the positioning on a couple of pillows.

DONNA
Thank you. I think so too. That's why I'm
being such a stickler on this house price
thing. I don't mean to be a pain in PG&E's
backside, especially after all they've done
for Hinkley, but I look around here and I
think, if they want this place, they're
gonna have to pay for it. And I don't just
mean pay for the house; I'd like them to pay
me for the trouble of starting over.

ERIN
Right.

DONNA
Cause first you gotta move, then there's
decorating, and if the windows aren't the
same size, you know -- you're making all new
curtains. Honest to God, I don't know if I
have the energy. You know, I've been sick.
Me and Peter both have.

ERIN
Yeah, I'm real glad you brought that up. I
was going through your file here, and I ran
into these medical records. They kinda
surprised me --

This would be the perfect opportunity for many to get self-
pitying. But not Donna. Life's handed her a shitload of
lemons, and darned if she hasn't made a shitload of lemonade.

DONNA
I know. They're more than a bit unusual.
See, two years ago, Pete got Hodgkin's
disease. That's a kind of cancer --

ERIN
Yeah, I'm real sorry to hear that.

DONNA
Thank you. It's in remission now, thank the
Lord, but you never know. And then while
that's going on, I end up having to have a
hysterectomy. Plus a whole mess of lumps
removed from my breasts. All benign so far,
but still, no matter how positive you stay,
an operation can still take it out of you.

ERIN
I'll say. Holy moley.

DONNA
So the whole idea of selling the house --
don't get me wrong, I'd be glad to move to
some better place, but if they aren't gonna
pay us properly, I just don't see the point.

ERIN
Yeah, I can see that.
(beat)
I guess the only thing that confused me is -
- not that your medical problems aren't
important, but -- how come the files about
them are in with all the real estate stuff?

Donna tops off their iced teas.

DONNA
Are you kidding? With how our lives are, if
I start subdividing files, I'll be sunk. I
just kept all PG&E correspondence in one
place.

ERIN
Right, but -- I'm sorry, I don't see why you
were corresponding with PG&E about it in the
first place.

DONNA
Well, they paid for the doctor's visit.

ERIN
They did?

DONNA
You bet. Paid for a check-up for the whole
family. And not like with insurance where
you pay, then wait a year to be reimbursed,
either. They just took care of it. Just
like that. We never even saw a bill.

ERIN
Wow. Why would they do that?

DONNA
Cause of the chromium.

ERIN
The what?

DONNA
The chromium. Well, that's what kicked this
whole thing off.

INT. IRVING HOUSE, GARAGE - DAY

CLOSE ON A BOX, with "CHROM INFO" scrawled on it.

DONNA (O.S.)
PG&E came around a few years ago, told us
they put chromium in our well by mistake.
And since we shouldn't have to drink it if
we don't want to, they gave us free spring
water and offered to buy our house.

WIDEN to see Donna pulling the box down into the room.

ERIN
What's chromium?

DONNA
It's a chemical they used over at that
compressor station up the road there.

ERIN
Well, hell, maybe that's why you all have
been so sick --

DONNA
I thought the same thing, right off the bat.
That's why we went to see the doctor. But
hunh-uh. Turns out one's got nothing to do
with the other.

She rifles through the box.

DONNA
This is the info they gave us. You'll see
if you look through it, chromium's good for
you. When I saw what they charged for it at
the health-food stores, I about fainted.

She hands Erin a printed fact sheet. Erin scans it.

ERIN
Seems like an awful big coincidence -- your
water being messed with and you being so
sick.

DONNA
Not around here. This is a rough part of
the world. Hard times, not a lot of money,
not a lot of luck.
(beat)
It's a challenge, staying healthy in a town
like this. Heck, even our dogs up and die.

INT. ERIN'S CAR - NIGHT

Erin's driving away from Donna's house. A street lamp throws
light on the box of chromium documents in the passenger seat.

She gets to an intersection and looks across the street at
the massive COMPRESSOR STATION. Six stories high, lit up
like a Christmas tree, with all sizes of PIPES criss-crossing
the outside and GIANT COOLING TOWERS sticking up out of it.
Far more massive than anything else in town, it looms over
the horizon like the Capitol in D.C. or St. Peter's in Rome.

Erin takes a long look at the compressor station, then turns
onto Community Boulevard and drives away.

Genres: Drama, Legal, Biography
Tone: Serious, Empathetic, Informative

Summary Erin, a lawyer's assistant, visits Donna, a homeowner, to discuss the sale of her house to PG&E. Donna is reluctant to sell due to health issues she believes are related to chromium contamination in the water supply. PG&E has been paying for Donna's medical expenses and has provided free spring water, but Erin is skeptical of their claims that chromium is harmless.

Strengths

Emotional depth
Engaging dialogue
Compelling plot development

Weaknesses

Lack of major character development in this specific scene

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension, considering the serious topic of environmental contamination and health issues.
The dialogue between Erin and Donna feels somewhat forced and lacks depth, especially when discussing such important and personal matters.
The transition between Donna discussing her health issues and the chromium contamination feels abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into the emotional impact of Donna's health problems and the potential link to the environmental contamination.
The visual descriptions could be enhanced to create a more vivid and engaging setting for the scene.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Add more emotional depth to the conversation between Erin and Donna to make the scene more impactful and engaging.
Consider building up the tension and urgency surrounding the environmental contamination issue to create a more compelling narrative.
Smooth out the transition between discussing Donna's health problems and the chromium contamination to maintain a cohesive flow in the scene.
Explore the emotional impact of Donna's health issues and the potential link to the environmental contamination to add depth to the characters and storyline.
Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive setting and atmosphere for the scene.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY

Erin is holding Beth, making her a bottle, when she hears
NOISES coming from outside. She follows them.

EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - DAY

Erin opens the door to find George attaching bars to her
windows.

ERIN
What're you doing?

GEORGE
Better safe than sorry.

She shakes her head, amused by his persistence.
ERIN
You want some coffee, George?

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT

George follows Erin in.

GEORGE
I'm gonna put a dead bolt on your front
door, too. This isn't exactly the safest
neighborhood in the world, you know.

ERIN
Thanks for reminding me.

GEORGE
I guess we get what we pay for, huh?

Erin pours him some coffee, hands it to him.

ERIN
You think it could make you sick, living in
a place like this?

GEORGE
What do you mean?

George settles in, helps himself to sugar.

ERIN
I was talking to this lady -- she and her
husband both got cancer, and she thinks it's
cause they live in a bad neighborhood. You
think that's possible? That living in a bad
neighborhood could give you cancer?

George laughs a little at the thought.

GEORGE
Man, I hope not. You got enough damn
problems.

But Erin's still mulling it over.

EXT. NORTHRIDGE, ERIN'S BLOCK - DAY

Erin clips down the block in short-shorts and high-heeled
boots. Up ahead a few of DOWN-ON-THEIR-LUCK MEN are out on a
stoop, drinking their breakfast. Erin approaches them.

ERIN
Hi, y'all -- how you doing today?

MAN 1
Hangin' in, baby. How about yourself?

ERIN
I'm okay, I'm just fine. I was wondering --
could I maybe ask you a couple questions?

She settles down on the stoop with them for a chat.

INT. PAULSEN'S OFFICE - DAY

Dr. Paulsen and Erin are sitting, talking. He's thrilled to
have her back in his office.

ERIN
... and when I realized our area's just as
bad as Hinkley, I thought maybe my neighbors
are all sick too. So I went and asked.

PAULSEN
(surprised)
You did?

Erin digs a pad of paper out of her bag.

ERIN
Uh-huh. Spent the last few days knocking on
doors. And you know what? They're not.
(reads from the pad)
I mean, they got problems, but none of this
cancer stuff. And their pets are fine. So
I don't know -- I just can't shake the
feeling that it wasn't no multivitamin they
put in the water.

PAULSEN
Well, if you're talking about contamination,
you're getting out of my area of expertise.
Let me give you the name of a toxicologist
friend of mine over at USC.

Paulsen reaches for a notepad, scrawls on it.

INT. UCLA MEDICAL BUILDING, HALLWAY - DAY

Paulsen is seeing Erin out of his office.

PAULSEN
I gotta say, Erin -- first time I saw you, I
did not peg you as the kind to go off and
conduct her own epidemiological study.

ERIN
Don't go telling anyone. It'll ruin my
reputation.

EXT. USC CAMPUS - DAY

Erin towers over DAVID FRANKEL as she walks across campus
with him. He's the grittier variety of scientist: Patagonia,
Birkenstocks, bushy beard. He's as dry as dust, and as much
as Dr. Paulsen responded to Erin, Frankel barely notices her.

FRANKEL
What kind of chromium is it?

ERIN
There's more than one kind?

FRANKEL
Yes. There's straight-up chromium -- does
all kinds of good things for the body.
There's chrom 3, which is fairly benign, and
then there's chrom 6, hexavalent chromium,
which, depending on the amounts, can be very
harmful.

ERIN
Harmful, like -- how? What would you get?

FRANKEL
With repeated exposure to toxic levels --
God, anything, really -- respiratory
disease, liver failure, heart failure,
reproductive failure, chronic headaches,
bone or organ deterioration -- plus, of
course, any type of cancer.

He rattles it off coolly. Just facts. Erin's stunned.

ERIN
So that stuff -- it kills people.

FRANKEL
Oh, yeah. Definitely. Highly toxic, highly
carcinogenic. Bad, bad stuff.

ERIN
Well, how do I find out what kind of
chromium is up in Hinkley?

FRANKEL
Have you been to the water board?

ERIN
Hunh-uh. What's that?

FRANKEL
Every county has one. They keep records of
anything water-related within their
jurisdiction. You should be able to find
something there.

ERIN
County water board. All righty, thanks.

FRANKEL
Good luck.
(beat)
Oh -- I wouldn't advertise what you're
looking for if I were you ...

His line continues over:

Genres: Drama, Mystery
Tone: Suspenseful, Investigative, Informative

Summary Concerned about a potential link between her neighborhood and cancer cases, Erin investigates. After installing window bars for safety, friendly neighbor George inadvertently sparks Erin's curiosity. Conversations with locals and a consultation with Dr. Paulsen lead her to toxicologist David Frankel. Frankel educates Erin on the dangers of hexavalent chromium, advising her to seek information about the type of chromium in Hinkley's water, setting Erin on a quest for answers.

Strengths

Engaging dialogue
Intriguing concept
Character development

Weaknesses

Some dialogue may be overly informative and expository

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear focus or central conflict, making it feel disjointed and lacking in tension.
The dialogue between Erin and George feels forced and unnatural, with Erin abruptly shifting from discussing neighborhood safety to cancer without a clear transition.
The introduction of Dr. Paulsen and David Frankel feels rushed and lacks depth, making their interactions with Erin feel superficial.
The scene lacks visual elements that enhance the storytelling or provide insight into the characters' emotions and motivations.
Erin's sudden decision to conduct her own epidemiological study feels contrived and lacks proper setup or explanation.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Clarify the central conflict of the scene to create a more engaging and focused narrative.
Work on the transition between different topics of conversation to make the dialogue flow more naturally.
Develop the characters of Dr. Paulsen and David Frankel to make their interactions with Erin more meaningful and impactful.
Include visual cues or actions that enhance the storytelling and provide insight into the characters' emotions.
Provide more context and build-up to Erin's decision to conduct her own study to make it feel more organic and believable.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

EXT. LAHOTAN REGIONAL WATER BOARD - DAY

Erin's Hyundai pulls up and stops in a cloud of dust.

FRANKEL (O.S.)
... Incriminating records have a way of
disappearing when people smell trouble.

Erin hops out, checks her reflection in the side-view mirror,
then heads into the building.

INT. LAHOTAN REGIONAL COUNTY WATER BOARD - DAY

Drab, government-issue. ROSS, the bored desk clerk is
thumbing his way through ROAD & TRACK. Just as he stops to
stare at a motor oil ad in which a buxom blonde is straddling
the hood of a car, the huge door opens and Erin enters.

ERIN
Whew! Goddamn, that's a heavy door.

Ross looks up. It's like the girl from the ad walked right
off the page. He jumps up, to help her with the door.

ROSS
Oh, hey -- lemme give you a hand there.

ERIN
Thank you very much. Aren't you a
gentleman? Mr. ...
ROSS
Ross.

ERIN
Ross. Real pleased to meet you. I'm Erin.

She smiles. He can't believe his luck.

ROSS
Erin. Cool. What can I do for you, Erin?

ERIN
Well, believe it or not, I am on the prowl
for some water records.

ROSS
(with a laugh)
You come to the right place.

ERIN
(laughing along)
I guess I did.

ROSS
You just tell me what you want to look at
and I'll be glad to dig 'em out for you.

ERIN
I wish I knew. It's for my boss. He's
fighting his water bill, and he wants me to
find all manner of bills from all kinds of
places. The easiest thing would probably be
if I just squeezed back there with you and
poked around myself. Would that be okay?

ROSS
Heck, yeah. Come on back. Just gonna need
you to sign in here --

He hands her a pen. He reads over her shoulder as she signs
her name -- Erin Pattee Brockovich.

ROSS
Pattee? That your middle name?

ERIN
Nope. Maiden.

ROSS
(disappointed)
You're married.
ERIN
Not anymore.

She smiles and winks at him, then goes around the counter
with him and looks at the stacks and stacks of files.

ERIN
Well. Here goes nothing.

She heads down an aisle, reading the spines of the files.
They're all town names -- Barstow, Victorville, Oro Grande,
Helendale -- in no particular order. Finally, Erin spots one
that says Hinkley. She pulls it down.

IN THE FILE

are pages and pages of Xeroxed memoranda, letters, charts,
graphs, handwritten notes. All shoved in willy-nilly.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MAIN ROOM - DAY

George is watching a football game on TV. He's just put TV
dinners on the floor in front of the Matt and Katie.

MATT
Our mom gives us sandwiches on Fridays.

GEORGE
That's a sandwich.

KATIE
No, it's not!

GEORGE
Sure it is. Here, I'll show you.

He picks up Matt's chicken, tears it in two ...

GEORGE
Most people think a sandwich's gotta have
bread on the outside. Not true. Chicken is
a perfectly good outside for a sandwich.

... then places the broccoli neatly between the halves.

GEORGE
See?

Katie and Matthew look at it, then up at George, and smile.
This guy just might be all right, after all.
EXT. WATER BOARD - NIGHT

It's gotten dark. Erin's Hyundai's still there.

INT. WATER BOARD - NIGHT

Erin is on the floor, her legs stretched out in front of her.
She has a bunch of files open and spread across the floor.
The one in her hand has caught her attention.

INSERT ON THE PAPER

It's a memo titled "CLEAN-UP AND ABATEMENT ORDER" from the
water board to PG&E. Erin is concentrating hard on it,
reading laboriously to herself.

ERIN (O.S.)
"... On December 7, 1987, the discharger
notified the regional board and the San
Bernardino County Environmental Health
Services of the discovery of 0.58 ppm of
hexavalent chromium in an on-site ground
water monitoring well ..."
(beat)
... hexavalent ...

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION - DAY

CLOSE ON A XEROX OF THE ABATEMENT ORDER. WIDEN to see it is
on top of a stack of papers that Erin is carrying as she
enters the office. She has an efficient air about her -- a
sense of purpose.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, FILE ROOM - DAY

Erin swoops in, ready to work, only to find her desk cleared
off. She turns to Anna, who's already hard at work.

ERIN
Where's my stuff?

Anna looks up.

ANNA
Where've you been?

ERIN
What the fuck did you do with my stuff?

ANNA
Don't use language with me --
But Erin's out the door before Anna can finish her sentence.

Genres: Drama, Legal, Mystery
Tone: Curious, Determined, Skeptical, Efficient

Summary Erin, determined to find water records, seeks help from Ross, the desk clerk at the Lahotan Regional Water Board. She discovers a memo on Hinkley indicating hexavalent chromium presence in groundwater. Upon returning to her firm, Erin finds her desk cleared, prompting her to question her colleague Anna.

Strengths

Engaging dialogue
Intriguing mystery setup
Character development

Weaknesses

Lack of intense emotional impact
Some dialogue may feel repetitive

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension, which is important for a pivotal moment in the story.
The dialogue between Erin and Ross feels forced and lacks depth, making their interaction less engaging for the audience.
The transition between Erin's visit to the water board and her return to the law firm feels abrupt and disjointed.
There is a missed opportunity to build suspense and intrigue as Erin discovers crucial information in the file at the water board.
The visual descriptions could be more vivid and immersive to enhance the atmosphere of the scene.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider adding more conflict or obstacles for Erin to overcome during her search for water records to create a more engaging narrative.
Develop the dialogue between Erin and Ross to reveal more about their characters and motivations, adding depth to their interaction.
Smooth out the transition between Erin's visit to the water board and her return to the law firm to maintain the flow of the story.
Build suspense by highlighting the significance of the information Erin discovers in the file at the water board, creating a sense of urgency and importance.
Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive and vivid setting for the scene, engaging the audience's senses and drawing them into the story.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, JANE'S OFFICE - DAY

JANE is at her desk. Erin barrels in.

ERIN
Someone stole my stuff.

JANE
Nice to see you, Erin. We've missed you.

ERIN
I had photos of my kids, plus a mug --

Jane reaches under her desk for a box, looks through it.

JANE
-- toothbrush, toothpaste, and a pair of
hose. Here.

ERIN
What's going on?

JANE
There may be jobs where you can disappear
for days at a time, but this isn't one of
them. Here, if you don't do the work, you
don't get to stay.

She hands her the box. Erin doesn't take it.

ERIN
I've been working. Shit, that's all I've
been doing. Ask Mr. Masry. He knows.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY

Ed's at his desk, dialing the phone when Erin barrels in.

ERIN
You said to fire me?

He sets down the receiver.

ED
Erin, you've been gone for a week.

ERIN
I left a message. I've been dealing with
that real estate thing. I was gonna write
up a whole damn report and --
ED
That's not how we work here. You don't just
leave a message and take off.

Jane follows her in, still carrying the box of stuff.

ERIN
What am I supposed to do, check in every two
seconds?

JANE
Yes. It's called accountability.

ERIN
I am not talking to you, bitch.

JANE
Excuse me?

ED
Okay, enough --
(beat)
Now, look, Erin -- this incident aside, I
don't think this is the right place for you.
So what I'm gonna do is make a few calls on
your behalf. Find you something else, okay?

ERIN
Don't bother.

She turns to Jane, takes her box, and heads out.

ED
Come on, I'm trying to help here.

ERIN
Bullshit. You're trying to feel less guilty
about firing someone with three kids to
feed. Fuck if I'll help you do that.

And she leaves.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, OUTSIDE ED'S OFFICE - DAY

As Erin heads for the door, pleased glances fly from
secretary to secretary. Erin reaches the door, but can't
open it with the box in her arms. She turns to the room.

ERIN
I don't suppose any one of you cunts could
open the fucking door for me.
EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - DAY

Erin's Hyundai rumbles to a stop in front of the house. Erin
shoves open the creaky, reluctant door, lifts her box of
stuff off the seat, and gets out.

As she walks around the car and toward the house, she runs
into the MAILMAN. He hands her a packet of mail.

MAILMAN
Here ya go, Miz Brockovich.

Erin looks at the top of the stack. It's the electric bill.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MAIN ROOM - DAY

Erin enters, puts down the box and stares at the mail.
Bills, bills, and more bills. As she throws them on the
table, she sees George coming out of the kitchen.

ERIN
What are you doing here?

GEORGE
Fixing a leak under your sink.

She heads into the kitchen, weary and irritated.

ERIN
I didn't ask you to do that. Damn it,
George, I don't ask you to do things like
that.

Genres: Drama, Legal, Character Study
Tone: Defiant, Frustrated, Confrontational, Resentful

Summary Erin faces a series of confrontations and frustrations throughout her day. She accuses Jane of stealing her belongings, but Jane denies the allegations. Ed informs Erin that she is being fired due to frequent absences, which she disputes. Erin's financial situation worsens when she receives a stack of bills, and an encounter with George at home further irritates her.

Strengths

Authentic character emotions
Tension-filled dialogue
Realistic portrayal of working-class struggles

Weaknesses

Use of strong language may limit audience appeal
Some characters lack depth and development

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear transition from the previous scene, making it feel disjointed and abrupt.
The dialogue between Erin and Jane feels forced and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
The conflict between Erin and Ed is resolved too quickly and without much emotional impact, missing an opportunity for a more powerful and engaging confrontation.
The scene lacks subtlety in portraying Erin's frustration and anger, relying too heavily on explicit dialogue and actions.
The interactions between Erin and the other characters, especially Jane and Ed, feel one-dimensional and do not fully explore the complexities of their relationships.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider adding a smoother transition from the previous scene to create a more cohesive narrative flow.
Focus on developing more nuanced and emotionally resonant dialogue between Erin and the other characters to deepen the audience's engagement with the scene.
Allow the conflict between Erin and Ed to build gradually, leading to a more impactful and cathartic resolution.
Explore subtler ways to convey Erin's frustration and anger, using more visual and subtextual cues to enhance the emotional depth of the scene.
Take the time to flesh out the relationships between Erin and the other characters, adding layers of complexity and depth to their interactions.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY

Erin enters, sees all the cleaning stuff from under the sink
is spread around the kitchen floor. A tool box lies open.

ERIN
Great.

GEORGE
I'm gonna clean it up.

Erin gets down on her knees and starts putting things away.

GEORGE
Relax, Erin, I'll do it -- I'm not --

Before he can finish, a huge WATER BUG runs onto Erin's hand.
ERIN
Ugh -- Jesus --

She jumps and brushes it off.

GEORGE
Yeah -- you had a whole family of those
things hanging out back there.

She takes off her shoe and smacks at the bug, missing it.

ERIN
Damn it --

The bug skitters away from her, along the floorboard. Erin
chases it, smacking at it repeatedly, missing it every time.

GEORGE
Don't worry about it, I'll get it later.

But Erin keeps after it, corralling all her frustrations into
killing that one bug.

ERIN
Come here, you little motherfucker --

The bug crawls up onto the table, zipping behind the salt,
the pepper, the napkin holder. Erin keeps after it, BANGING
the table harder and harder with each SMACK of her shoe.

GEORGE
Hey, whoa -- relax --

The salt and pepper skid off the table. The napkins fly from
their holder. Just as Erin's about to nail the bug, it slips
into a crack in the wall and disappears. Erin hurls her shoe
at the crack. It SMASHES into the wall.

ERIN
GOD DAMN IT!

As Erin stands there staring at the wall, her breath starts
to come heavily -- those deep breaths that precede tears.
She slowly slides down into a chair, defeat overcoming her.

ERIN
(almost a whisper)
... God damn it.

She looks around at her for-shit kitchen and starts to cry.

ERIN
What kind of person lives like this? Huh?
What kind of person lets her kids run around
in a house crawling with bugs the size of
housecats?

GEORGE
It's a simple thing. Everybody gets them.
All we gotta do is call an exterminator.

ERIN
I can't call an exterminator. I can't afford
one. God, I can't even afford my phone.
(beat)
I got fired.

GEORGE
What? But you been working so hard --

ERIN
Doesn't matter. Doesn't make one bit of
difference.
(then, fragile)
Oh God, George, how'd this happen to me?
How'd I end up so ... so nothing?

George picks a napkin up off the floor, hands it to her.

GEORGE
You're not nothing, Erin.

ERIN
Well, I'm sure as hell not what I thought I
was gonna be. I was supposed to have one of
those great lives, with everything all laid-
out and perfect. I mean, hell -- I was Miss
Wichita, for God's sakes. Did I tell you
that? You live next door to a real live
beauty queen.
(wipes her nose)
I still got the tiara. I kept it cause I
thought it meant something. I thought it
meant I was gonna do something great with my
life. I thought it proved I was gonna grow
up to be someone.

GEORGE
You are someone.

ERIN
No I'm not. Look at me. I'm not.

GEORGE
You're someone to me.
(beat)
You're someone real special to me.

He takes a step toward her and kneels in front of her, very
close. He takes her shoe from her hand and puts it back on
her foot. Then he takes her hands in his and kisses them.

ERIN
I'm no good, George. I make people
miserable.

But he kisses her anyway. And for the first time in so long,
she feels like something other than a failure. He pulls her
into him, and she lets herself be pulled.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Erin and George are in bed, naked, curled around each other.

GEORGE
Man. Even your earlobes are beautiful.

He kisses one.

ERIN
Don't be too nice to me, okay? It makes me
nervous.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY

Ed is at his desk. The PHONE RINGS. And RINGS. And RINGS.

ED
Brenda!
(no answer)
BRENDA!

Nothing. Ed growls in frustration, then gets the phone.

ED
Yeah, Ed Masry here ... She doesn't work
here anymore. Who's this?

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY

CLOSE ON THE TABLE, where Beth is bobbing in her baby chair.
On one side of her is a heap of bills with "PAST DUE" and
"PLEASE REMIT" stamped on them. On the other, the well-
thumbed CLASSIFIED SECTION, with circles and X's all over it.

The DOORBELL rings. Erin swoops in and picks up Beth.
ERIN
Come on, baby. Maybe that's Ed McMahon.

Genres: Drama, Romance
Tone: Emotional, Intimate, Reflective, Frustrated

Summary Erin's kitchen is a mess, and she is frustrated by a water bug. She chases it around the kitchen, damaging the table in the process. George tries to calm her down, but she continues to obsess over the bug. Eventually, the bug crawls into a crack in the wall and Erin throws her shoe at it in frustration. She collapses into a chair, overcome with emotion and begins to cry. She expresses her feelings of worthlessness and failure to George, who tries to comfort her. They end up in bed together and George tells Erin that she is special to him. Ed Masry is unable to reach Erin at work because she has been fired. The scene ends with a close-up shot of the kitchen table, showing unpaid bills and job listings, which symbolize Erin's financial and professional struggles.

Strengths

Emotional depth
Character development
Intimate moments

Weaknesses

Lack of significant external conflict
Limited plot progression

General Critique

The scene starts with Erin's frustration over the mess in her kitchen, which is caused by a water bug. While the initial setup is relatable, the scene becomes a bit chaotic as Erin chases the bug around the kitchen, causing more damage in the process.
The emotional breakdown that Erin experiences seems a bit sudden and forced. The transition from frustration to tears could be more gradual and organic to make it more believable.
The interaction between Erin and George escalates quickly from frustration to intimacy, which feels rushed and lacks proper build-up. The emotional connection between the characters could be developed more effectively to make their intimate moment more impactful.
The dialogue between Erin and George, while emotional, could be more nuanced and realistic. It feels a bit melodramatic at times and could benefit from more subtlety and depth.
The transition from Erin and George in bed to Ed receiving a phone call about Erin's absence feels abrupt and disjointed. The scene could benefit from a smoother transition between these two moments.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider toning down the chaos of Erin chasing the bug to make the scene more focused and less frantic.
Work on building up Erin's emotional breakdown more gradually to make it feel more authentic and impactful.
Develop the relationship between Erin and George more organically to make their intimate moment more believable and emotionally resonant.
Refine the dialogue between Erin and George to add more depth and subtlety to their interaction.
Smooth out the transition between intimate moments and external interruptions to create a more cohesive flow in the scene.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - DAY

Erin carries Beth over to the front door, spies through the
peephole, and sees Ed standing there. She opens the door.

ERIN
What are you doing here?

ED
I got an interesting call this afternoon.
It was from a Dr. Frankel.

ERIN
Oh, yeah?

ED
He wanted you to know the legal limit for
hexavalent chromium, is .05 parts per
million. And that at the rate you
mentioned, .58, it could be responsible for
the cancers in that family you asked about.
The Irvings.

ERIN
Well, that was nice of him. Isn't it funny
how some people go out of their way to help
people and others just give 'em the ax?

ED
Look, I'm sorry. You were gone. I just
assumed you were off having fun.

ERIN
Now, why in the hell would you assume that?

ED
I don't know. Maybe cause you look like
someone who has a lot of fun.

ERIN
Boy, are you ever a shitty judge of people.

Ed takes a beat, copping to the charge.

ED
So what's the story on this thing? This
cancer stuff?
ERIN
You wanna know, you gotta hire me back. I
got a lot of bills to pay.

He glares at her. Realizes he has no choice.

ED
Fine.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - LATER

Erin has let Ed in. They're sitting.

ED
But, PG&E told her about the chromium?

ERIN
They told her something, but it can't have
been too specific, cause I talked to her,
and she sure didn't think her water was bad.

ED
So what made you think it was?

ERIN
It doesn't take a genius to look at those
medical records and think something's wrong.

ED
What medical records?

ERIN
The ones in the box of files.
(off Ed's blank look)
The box of files? The one from your office?

ED
I didn't see any medical records in there.

ERIN
Boy, you musta really fine-tooth-combed it
then, huh?
(to herself)
And you fired me. Jesus.

Ed thinks for a moment.

ED
That document you found, the one that says
it was the bad chromium -- you didn't happen
to make a copy did you?
ERIN
Course I did.

ED
Lemme see it, will you?

Before getting it for him, she looks at him, weighs her odds.

ERIN
I want a raise. And benefits. Including
dental.

ED
Look, Erin, this is not the way I do
business, this extortion nonsense.

Erin doesn't budge.

ED
Okay. A 5% raise, and --

ERIN
Ten.
(off his look)
There's a lot of other places I could work.

ED
A ten percent raise and benefits. But
that's it. I'm drawing the line.

She goes to her box of stuff from the office and digs out the
document for him. He scans it.

ED
This is the only thing you found?

ERIN
So far. But that place is a pig sty. I
wouldn't be surprised if there's more.

ED
Find out.

EXT. 10 FREEWAY - DAY

Erin's Hyundai zips along the freeway. "Funky Town" is
blaring from the tinny stereo. Over it:

MATTHEW (O.S.)
I hate this music.

Genres: Drama, Legal, Mystery
Tone: Serious, Confrontational, Suspenseful, Emotional

Summary Erin confronts Ed for firing her and demands a raise and benefits. Ed apologizes and agrees to her demands. She retrieves a document mentioning the bad chromium for Ed and he asks her to find any other similar documents.

Strengths

Emotional depth of characters
Revealing crucial information
Negotiation dynamics

Weaknesses

Some dialogue could be more impactful
Lack of clarity in certain interactions

General Critique

The scene starts with a strong confrontation between Erin and Ed, which sets the tone for their dynamic relationship. However, the dialogue feels a bit forced and lacks subtlety in conveying their emotions and motivations.
There is a lack of nuance in the character interactions, with Erin coming across as overly aggressive and Ed as too easily swayed by her demands. This diminishes the complexity of their relationship and makes the scene feel less authentic.
The transition between the negotiation for a raise and benefits to Ed asking for the document feels abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
The dialogue could benefit from more subtext and layers to add depth to the characters and their motivations. This would make the scene more engaging and compelling for the audience.
The scene could also benefit from more visual cues and actions to enhance the storytelling and create a more dynamic and visually engaging scene.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider adding more nuance to the character interactions to make them feel more realistic and multi-dimensional.
Work on refining the dialogue to include more subtext and depth, allowing for a more engaging and authentic exchange between Erin and Ed.
Smooth out the transition between different beats in the scene to maintain a cohesive flow and keep the audience engaged.
Introduce more visual elements and actions to enhance the storytelling and create a more dynamic and visually engaging scene.
Focus on building tension and conflict in a more subtle and nuanced way to create a more compelling and layered scene.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. HYUNDAI - DAY
Erin's driving. Matthew's in the front seat. Katie and Beth
(in a car seat) are in the back.

ERIN
There's no way a son of mine hates Funky
Town. It's impossible.

MATTHEW
Well I hate it.

KATIE
I hate it too. I hate this trip.

ERIN
Oh, come on, where's your sense of
adventure? We're going someplace you never
been before.

KATIE
I'm gonna hate it.

MATTHEW
Me too.

She glances at them, frowns a little.

ERIN
You know what I'm realizing for the first
time? You kids are a couple of downers. I
mean, you are the real thing -- a couple of
honest-to-God depresso-types.
(small smile)
Who in the heck raised you, anyway? Some
kind of moron?

Katie smiles a little. She likes this side of her mom.

KATIE
Yeah. A real moron.

ERIN
Some kind of half-wit, no-good, big-haired,
bimbo, I bet.

MATTHEW
(also smiling)
Yeah.

ERIN
Thank God we got you away from her, huh?
By now they're all smiling. Funky Town plays on.

EXT. PG&E COMPRESSOR STATION - DAY

The Hyundai is parked at the entrance to the station, by a
row of dead trees. Erin is standing beside a sign that says
"Private Property. No Trespassing", taking pictures of the
massive structure in the distance. Matthew, Katie, and Beth
are drawing in the dirt with sticks.

ERIN
Stay out of the road. I'll be right back.

She wanders up the drive, onto PG&E property, moving around
the plant, taking pictures of it from every possible angle.

As she wanders over a big, flat, dry field to the side of the
plant, she glances over her shoulder to check on her kids and
notices the trail she made in the dirt has a greenish hue.
She looks at the dirt right her feet. Kicks the ground.

Below the surface, the dirt turns from brown to green. Erin
notes this, then looks back at her kids playing in the dirt.
Worry comes over her face. She heads back to them.

EXT. HINKLEY MART - DAY

The kids are waiting at the car. Erin comes out of the store
with a bottle of water and uses it to rinse off their hands.

EXT. WATER BOARD - DAY

The sound of a BABY CRYING. The Hyundai's parked in front.

MATTHEW (O.S.)
I'm hungry.

INT. WATER BOARD - DAY

Erin is at the Xerox machine, copying a file while she tries
to calm Beth. There's a stack of files on the nearby table.
Matthew and Katie are flopping around on the floor.

ERIN
We'll go eat in a minute. Settle down.

Whining, fussing. Ross goes over to her.

ROSS
You know what, Erin? I got nothing but time
here. Why don't you let me do that for you,
and you can get your kids some dinner.
ERIN
Ross -- you are an absolute angel.

She hands Ross the STACK OF DOCUMENTS.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, BRENDA'S DESK - DAY

Ed comes in in the morning, and without pausing, hands Brenda
a copy of the STACK OF DOCUMENTS, with a Post-it on the top.

ED
Fax these to this number, okay?

BRENDA
All of 'em?

ED
All of them.

He continues into his office and closes the door.

CLOSE ON THE FAX MACHINE LED

Brenda types in the number. The recipient's I.D. comes up on
the LED: PG&E CLAIMS DEPT.

INT. IRVING HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY

Another copy of those DOCUMENTS, now in Donna's hands. She's
on her couch with Erin, reading them. Outside, Donna's two
daughters are playing in the pool. She reads the last page
and looks up at Erin, bewildered.

DONNA
An on-site monitoring well? That means --

ERIN
It was right up on the PG&E property over
there.

DONNA
And you say this stuff, this hexavalent
chromium -- it's poisonous?

ERIN
Yeah.

DONNA
Well -- then it's gotta be a different than
what's in our water, cause ours is okay.
The guys from PG&E told me. They sat right
in the kitchen and said it was fine.

ERIN
I know. But the toxicologist I been talking
to? He gave me a list of problems that can
come from hexavalent chromium exposure. And
everything you all have is on that list.

Donna resists this idea hard.

DONNA
No. Hunh-uh, see, that's not what the
doctor said. He said one's got absolutely
nothing to do with the other.

ERIN
Right, but -- didn't you say he was paid by
PG&E?

Donna sits quietly, trying to make sense of this. The only
sound is the LAUGHING and SPLASHING from the pool out back.
Then, gradually, Donna realizes what it is she's hearing --
her kids playing in toxic water. She jumps up ...

DONNA
ASHLEY! SHANNA!

... and runs out to the pool. Erin follows her.

Genres: Drama, Mystery, Thriller
Tone: Suspenseful, Investigative, Concerned, Determined, Worrisome

Summary During a road trip, Erin and her children encounter negativity from their kids. They make stops at a compressor station, mart, and water board office, where Erin discusses toxic water with a friend, Donna. Despite Donna's initial denial, Erin's explanations about hexavalent chromium exposure lead Donna to realize the potential danger.

Strengths

Engaging mystery
Character development
Tension building

Weaknesses

Some dialogue may feel repetitive or expository

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction. The dialogue between Erin and her children feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and emotional resonance.
The transition between different locations and actions is abrupt and disjointed, making it difficult for the audience to follow the scene's progression.
The scene fails to build tension or create a sense of urgency, which is crucial in maintaining the audience's interest and engagement.
The interaction between Erin and Donna at the end of the scene feels rushed and lacks emotional depth, considering the gravity of the information being discussed.
The scene could benefit from more visual cues and descriptive language to create a vivid and engaging atmosphere for the audience.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Focus on developing more authentic and meaningful interactions between Erin and her children to add depth and emotional resonance to the scene.
Consider restructuring the scene to create a more cohesive flow between different locations and actions, allowing for a smoother transition for the audience.
Introduce elements of suspense or conflict to heighten the stakes and keep the audience engaged throughout the scene.
Enhance the emotional impact of Erin and Donna's conversation by delving deeper into their reactions and responses to the information being shared.
Use descriptive language and visual cues to paint a vivid picture of the settings and characters, creating a more immersive experience for the audience.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

EXT. DONNA'S HOUSE - DAY

From the door, Erin watches Donna run to the edge of the pool
in a frantic response to this news.

DONNA
OUT OF THE POOL! BOTH OF YOU, OUT OF THE
POOL, RIGHT NOW!

SHANNA
How come?

DONNA
CAUSE I SAID SO, THAT'S WHY, NOW GET OUT!
OUT! NOW!!!

Erin watches compassionately as Donna flails to get her kids
out of the contaminated water.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY

It's morning. Ed is checking the lie of his tie in his
reflection in the window. Erin is on his couch, high-heeled
legs stretched out in front of her.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, BRENDA'S DESK - CONTINUOUS

Jane is delivering paychecks. When Brenda gets to her desk,
Jane tips her head toward Ed's office, as if to say, check it
out. Brenda peers in and sees Erin.

BRENDA
What's she doing here?

JANE
He hired her back. With a raise.

BRENDA
What?? Why?

JANE
Well, let's see. It's not cause she's
smart, and it's not cause she's
professional. That leaves ...

Brenda's stunned. Takes a beat. Makes assumptions.

BRENDA
And dumb old me thought working hard and
being loyal was the way to get ahead.

INT. ED'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Ed is still checking his reflection.

ED
I'm telling you, the minute Brenda sent the
fax -- I'm talking the second she pressed
that send button -- PG&E claims department
is on the phone to me, scheduling a meeting.

ERIN
So you think we got 'em scared?

ED
It sure as hell sounded like they were
sitting up and taking notice.

Brenda pops her head in, ignores Erin.

BRENDA
David Baum from PG&E is at reception.

Erin feels the chill Brenda's sending her way.
ERIN
Nice to see you again, too, Brenda.

Brenda leaves without acknowledging Erin.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY

Ed and Erin come out and see DAVID BAUM waiting at reception.
Forget law school, this kid looks like he's just out of
twelfth grade. Not a hair on his chin. His suit and shoes
look brand new.

ERIN
Not to question your judgment or anything,
Mr. Masry, but -- that doesn't exactly look
like sitting up and taking notice to me.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Ed and Erin are seated across the table from Baum. To say
this kid lacks authority is a gross understatement. He
doesn't talk; he squeaks.

BAUM
... in the interest of putting this whole
thing to rest, PG&E is willing to offer the
Irvings 250,000 dollars for their home.

Ed laughs a little in disbelief.

ED
250,000?

BAUM
In terms of land value out in Hinkley, Mr.
Masry, we feel it's a more than fair price.

ED
What about in terms of medical expenses?
250,000 doesn't come close to what this
family's gonna have to spend on doctors.

BAUM
I understand they've had a bad run of luck,
health-wise, and they have my sympathies.
But that's not PG&E's fault.

ED
You're kidding, right?
(Baum doesn't answer)
Look at these readings for Christ's sake.
PG&E's own technicians documented toxic
levels of hexavalent chromium in those test
wells, on numerous occasions.

Ed shoves them across the table. Baum doesn't look at them.

ED
Everything the Irvings have had is a proven
reaction to exposure to hexavalent chromium.
They've had ...

He stalls a moment. Erin jumps in.

ERIN
-- breast cysts, uterine cancer, Hodgkin's
disease, immune deficiencies, asthma,
chronic nosebleeds.

Despite their persuasiveness, Baum parrots what is obviously
the party line:

BAUM
A million things could have caused those
problems. Poor diet, bad genes,
irresponsible lifestyle. Our offer is final
and more than fair.

ED
Wait a minute -- I thought we were
negotiating here.

BAUM
250,000 is all I'm authorized to offer.

Ed looks across at this pissant little kid.

ED
(to himself)
Jesus Christ.
(he stands, to leave)
I will present your offer to my clients. I
doubt they'll accept it.

As Ed starts out:

BAUM
Mr. Masry, before you go off on some
crusade, you might want to remember who it
is you're dealing with here. PG&E is a 28-
billion dollar corporation.

ED
(containing his anger)
Thanks. I'll keep it in mind.

And Ed leaves the conference room. Erin follows him out.

Genres: Drama, Legal, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Confrontational, Emotional, Suspenseful

Summary Donna discovers her children swimming in a contaminated pool and orders them out. Ed and Erin return to the law firm, where they learn that Ed has rehired Erin with a raise. They meet with David Baum, a PG&E representative, who offers a settlement but denies PG&E's responsibility for the Irvings' health problems.

Strengths

Intense dialogue
Emotional depth
High stakes
Character development

Weaknesses

Some cliched lines
Slightly predictable outcome

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear transition between Erin watching Donna's reaction to the contaminated pool and then being in Ed's office, which can be confusing for the audience.
The dialogue between Brenda and Jane in the office lacks depth and feels somewhat cliched, detracting from the overall authenticity of the scene.
The character of David Baum is portrayed in a stereotypical manner as a young, inexperienced individual, which may come across as unrealistic and diminish the tension in the confrontation scene.
The conflict between Ed, Erin, and David Baum could be more nuanced and layered to add depth to the negotiation process and make it more engaging for the audience.
The scene could benefit from more visual cues and descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and provide a better sense of the characters' emotions and reactions.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider adding a smoother transition between the pool scene and Ed's office to improve the flow of the narrative.
Work on developing more authentic and nuanced dialogue for the interactions between Brenda, Jane, Ed, and Erin to make the office dynamics more engaging.
Reconsider the portrayal of David Baum to make him a more complex and formidable character, adding depth to the negotiation scene.
Enhance the conflict between the characters by introducing more layers of tension, motivations, and stakes to create a more compelling and dynamic confrontation.
Include more visual descriptions and cues to set the tone, mood, and character dynamics in the scene, making it more immersive and impactful.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY

Erin follows Ed as he stomps back to his office.

ERIN
At least they made an offer.

ED
That wasn't an offer. A million would've
been an offer. When they send the God damn
mail clerk down to jerk me off, waste my
time, it's a fuck you.

ERIN
I don't get why they'd do that.

ED
Because they can. You heard that kid --
they have 28 billion dollars at their
disposal. They can afford to waste all the
time in the world.

ERIN
And you can't?

ED
What, you think I'm made of money?

Behind them, Baum steps out of the conference room.

BAUM
Hey, you know where I can get a cab? My
plane leaves Burbank in forty-five minutes.

Ed turns and looks at him. He gets a tiny smile.

ED
Tell you what, why don't you go on over to
reception, tell them I said Mario should
take you to the airport.

BAUM
Hey, excellent. Thanks.

Baum heads out to the reception area.

ERIN
Mr. Masry, Mario gets lost going to the
bathroom. They'll be driving around the
valley for hours.

ED
(gleeful)
Yeah. Isn't that a shame?

She watches him go into his office, impressed. Big smile.

ERIN
Well I'll be God damned.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, OUTSIDE ED'S OFFICE - NIGHT

End of the day. Most everyone has left. Erin is at her new
work space near Ed's office. She's poring over a fat file of
documents. ROSALIND wanders by with her coat on.

ROSALIND
You've been reading for hours.

ERIN
I'm a slow reader, on account of the fact
that I look at the word "dog" and see "god".

ROSALIND
Hey, just so long as you see Him.

Rosalind turns on Erin's desk lamp and heads out.

Outside the big glass office doors, Rosalind stops to talk to
a lost-looking COUPLE IN THEIR MID-30's. These are MANDY and
TOM BROWN. He's a security guard uniform, with an envelope
under his arm. Rosalind points to Erin. The Browns enter
the office and approach her.

MANDY
Excuse me, are you Erin Brockovich?

ERIN
Yeah. Who are you?

TOM
I'm Tom Brown. This is my wife Mandy. We
used to live across the street from the
Irvings. PG&E bought our house last year.

INT. ERIN'S DESK - LATER

CLOSE ON photos of chickens, each with a twisted, limp neck.

TOM
It's called wry neck. It's when they're
born without any muscles in the neck.

WIDEN to see Erin looking at them with Tom and Mandy.

ERIN
Wow. How many were born like this?

TOM
Twelve, maybe thirteen.

MANDY
When Donna told us about you, and what you
told her about the chromium, we figured that
might have something to do with this, too.

ERIN
It sure could, yeah. Thanks a lot.

She tucks them into a file, as if that's it.

MANDY
There's something else, too.

ERIN
What?

TOM
Well. Mandy here's had nine miscarriages.

ERIN
Are you kidding? My God --

MANDY
I know. It's an awful lot.

ERIN
I'm surprised Donna didn't say anything.

TOM
She doesn't know. No one does. It's not
something you want to talk about, you know?

MANDY
I figured it musta been something I did,
like when I smoked marijuana, maybe. Or
took birth control pills. But then Donna
told me you thought this chromium might be
to blame for her problems, so I figured ...

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MATT AND KATIE'S ROOM - NIGHT
Matt and Katie are in bed, with the light off. Erin comes
in, quietly, in clothes from work.

ERIN
Hey. You guys still awake?

CLOSE ON MATT AND KATIE. They're awake and pissed.

ERIN
Come on, now. No faking. George told me he
just shut out the light a few seconds ago.

They still don't answer. She comes in and sits on a bed.

ERIN
Look, I know you're mad. But the way this
job is, things come up at the last minute,
real important things, and I gotta deal with
them. Now I don't like me missing dinner
any more than you do, but we're all gonna
have to get used to it, cause the fact is,
it's gonna happen sometimes.

KATIE
It happens all the time.

ERIN
That's not true; we had dinner together just
last night.

MATT
You were reading the whole time.

He's got a point there. Erin feels like shit.

ERIN
I'm sorry, pumpkins. I'll try a whole lot
harder to be around, okay? I promise.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, BEDROOM - NIGHT

The room is dark. Erin enters and flops down onto the bed,
exhausted. George is lying on the bed next to her.

GEORGE
If it's any consolation, I love you.

Genres: Drama, Legal, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Emotional, Serious, Intense

Summary Ed Masry's anger boils over after a low settlement offer from PG&E, prompting Erin Brockovich's attempts at mediation. Amidst the tension, Tom and Mandy Brown approach Erin, sharing concerns about their chickens' wry neck condition and Mandy's multiple miscarriages, sparking her suspicion of a possible connection to PG&E's environmental impact.

Strengths

Emotional depth
Revealing new information
Character development
Engaging dialogue

Weaknesses

Some repetitive dialogue
Minor pacing issues in certain interactions

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear focus or central conflict, making it feel disjointed and lacking in tension.
The dialogue between Erin and Ed feels forced and lacks depth, making their interaction less engaging.
The introduction of Baum asking for a cab and Ed's gleeful response seems out of place and doesn't add much to the scene.
Erin's reaction to Ed's response to Baum's request feels exaggerated and doesn't align with her character's usual behavior.
The transition from the office to Erin's new work space is abrupt and doesn't flow smoothly.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Clarify the central conflict of the scene to create more tension and engagement.
Develop the dialogue between Erin and Ed to make it more meaningful and reflective of their characters.
Consider removing the interaction with Baum asking for a cab as it doesn't add much to the scene.
Ensure Erin's reactions are consistent with her character's established traits and behaviors.
Smooth out the transition between different locations to improve the overall flow of the scene.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

EXT. ROUTE 10, INLAND EMPIRE - DAY

Dry, flat California. Ed's big old Mercedes is toodling down
the freeway, at an overly safe, almost-geriatric speed.
INT. ED'S MERCEDES - DAY

Frank Sinatra is playing on the stereo. Ed is swaying in
time. This is his kind of music. He smiles, looks at Erin.

ED
It's Sinatra's world, we just live in it.

Whatever. Erin glances at the speedometer. Oy. So slow.
His car phone rings. He picks it up.

ED
Hello? ...
(his voice softens)
Hi, babys. Baby's fine. Yes, I did. I
did, too, you just didn't feel it.

He starts swerving across the lane markers. THWACK THWACK
THWACK. Ed doesn't notice. Erin's getting nervous.

ED
You think I could leave without kissing my
babys? Okay, here you go.

He kisses into the phone. Swerves. A car barely misses
them. Erin's eyes widen. Not fun at all.

ED
Bye-bye ... bye-bye ... no, you. Okay,
together. Bye-bye.

He finally hangs up, smiling to himself. Erin clears her
throat.

ERIN
Um -- you mind pulling over? Just -- for a
second?

EXT. FREEWAY - DAY

The Mercedes pulls to a stop on the shoulder. Erin gets out,
walks around to the driver's side. Opens the door.

ERIN
First of all, don't talk baby talk to your
wife in front of me. It really undermines
your authority. And second, I know you're
my boss and all, but you are the worst
fucking driver I've ever seen. Move over or
I quit.

He moves over. She gets in, turns off the Sinatra. They
pull back out onto the freeway in silence.

EXT. MANDY BROWN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

The Mercedes and a truck are parked out front.

PETE (O.S.)
There's something about this whole thing I
don't quite understand, Mr. Masry.

INT. DONNA IRVING'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Donna and Pete Irving, and Mandy and Roy Brown are all
seated, sipping iced tea. While they talk, Erin hands them
all information packets on chromium. Ed is standing in front
of them, a little stiff.

PETE
If PG&E messed with our water, why would
they bother saying anything about it to us?
Why not just keep quiet about it?

ED
To establish a statute of limitations. See,
in a case like this, you only have a year
from the time you first learn about the
problem to file suit. So PG&E figures,
we'll let the cat out of the bag -- tell the
people the water's not perfect; if we can
ride out the year with no one suing, we'll
be in the clear forever.

DONNA
But it was more than a year ago that they
told us --

ED
It's okay. We're not suing. All we're
doing is using this information to get you
a real nice purchase price on your house,
and get you two --
(to the Browns)
-- a comparable retroactive bonus added to
your sale price. This way, and PG&E can
still look good to their shareholders, cause
they're not involved in an ugly lawsuit; all
they're doing is buying a little property.

Roy looks up from his retainer agreement.

ROY
It doesn't say here how much this whole
thing's gonna cost us.

ED
My fee's forty percent of whatever you get
awarded.

Erin watches them look around at each other, stunned by the
figure.

ERIN
Boy, do I know how you feel. First time I
heard that number, I said you got to be
kidding me. Forty God damn percent?

ED
Erin --

ERIN
I'm the one who's injured, and this joker
who sits at a desk all day is gonna walk
away with almost half my reward?

ED
Erin --

Erin's enjoying Ed's discomfort almost too much to stop. But
just almost. She shifts gears.

ERIN
Then I asked him how much he makes if I
didn't get anything.

They look at Ed. Well?

ED
Then I don't get anything either.

ERIN
And I realized, he's taking a chance too.

When they hear this, and realize he's in it with them, they
all reach for their pens and sign. They hand the agreements
over to Erin, who takes them across the room to Ed. He
stuffs them in his briefcase and closes it up. That's that.

ED
All right, then. Let's hit the road.

Boy. Cold as ice. Erin stares at him, stunned by his
brusque manner, then leans in to him, close.

ERIN
(whispering)
Mr. Masry, if you don't mind my saying, you
got a lot to learn about being friendly.
These people just hired you as their lawyer.
The least you could do is make a little
pleasant conversation.

She gives him a stern look, then turns toward the women.

ERIN
Donna, let me help you clean all this up.

She picks up a tray of iced tea and cookies and heads to the
kitchen. Donna and Mandy follow, leaving Ed alone with Pete
and Roy. He stands there, awkwardly. Then, finally:

ED
So, what's, uh ... what's new?

Genres: Drama, Legal, Thriller
Tone: Serious, Tense, Informative, Confrontational

Summary Ed's reckless driving and unprofessional behavior on the way to a client meeting escalate a conflict with Erin. The clients' initial skepticism gives way to hope as Ed offers his services. Despite Erin's attempts to assist Donna, Ed's awkward attempts to connect with the clients create additional tension.

Strengths

Effective tension building
Revealing character dynamics
Plot advancement

Weaknesses

Some dialogue could be more concise
Limited visual descriptions

General Critique

The scene starts with Ed driving recklessly and talking on the phone, putting Erin in a dangerous situation. This behavior is not only irresponsible but also out of character for a senior lawyer like Ed.
Erin's confrontation with Ed about his driving and baby talk to his wife feels forced and lacks a natural flow. The transition from the car to the meeting with the clients is abrupt and could be smoother.
The dialogue between Ed and the clients about the statute of limitations and the fee structure is informative but feels a bit heavy-handed. It could be more subtly integrated into the conversation.
Erin's sudden shift from enjoying Ed's discomfort to advocating for him to be more friendly is a bit jarring. The emotional arc of the scene could be more consistent and believable.
The scene ends with a whispering moment between Erin and Ed, which feels out of place given the confrontational tone of their interaction. It could be more effectively built up throughout the scene.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider toning down Ed's reckless driving behavior to make it more believable for his character.
Work on the transition between the car scene and the meeting with the clients to create a smoother flow of events.
Integrate the information about the statute of limitations and fee structure more organically into the dialogue between Ed and the clients.
Ensure Erin's character development and emotional reactions are consistent and realistic throughout the scene.
Build up the tension between Erin and Ed more gradually to make the whispering moment at the end more impactful.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. DONNA'S KITCHEN - DAY

Erin and Donna are putting away the cleaned glasses. Mandy
is scanning the chromium pamphlet Erin gave her.

MANDY
You know that thing it says in here about
rashes?

ERIN
Uh-huh?

MANDY
Well, this old neighbor of mine, Bob Linwood
-- he ran the dairy on Community -- seemed
like someone in his family always had a rash
somewhere or other. I just figured it was
something in the genes. And you know how it
is -- you don't like to ask about things
like that ...

Erin listens, interested.

EXT. LINWOOD DAIRY, BARN - DAY

Another day. BOB LINWOOD, 40's and gruff, is in the barn,
tossing hay around.

ERIN (O.S.)
Excuse me. Are you Mr. Linwood?

He sees Erin picking her way toward him in her high-heels.
LINWOOD
Yeah?

ERIN
I'm Erin Brockovich. I work at the law firm
that represents your former neighbors the
Browns. They suggested I give you a call.

She steps in a cow patty. Laughs at herself good-naturedly.

ERIN
Boy howdy, did I ever wear the wrong shoes.

EXT. THE DESOTOS' HOUSE - DAY

CLOSE ON A SIGN that reads: THE DESOTOS, hanging on the side
of a small, paint-chipped house. Erin is at the door talking
to MARY DESOTO, 65, who's wearing a big cross at her breast.

ERIN
... and Mr. Linwood seemed to think that
your husband had been sick as well.

MARY
Yes, Mr. DeSoto has lung cancer. Never
smoked a day in his life, neither.

INT. LAURA AND MIKE AMBROSINO'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Erin is talking to MIKE and LAURA AMBROSINO -- 30's. Solid,
family folks. But Laura's left brow and cheekbone look
swollen and misshapen, and she's trying to hide the fact that
she's in a lot of pain.

ERIN
Mrs. DeSoto said she wasn't sure exactly
what it was that you had --

PETE
She's not alone on that one.

LAURA
Well, they know what it is -- it's called
fibrous dysplasia --

PETE
The bones start growing again. Gives her
headaches like you wouldn't believe.

LAURA
-- they just don't know what caused it.
INT. RITA AND TED DANIELS' HOUSE - DAY

Erin is talking to TED AND RITA DANIELS. Their daughter
ANNABELLE, 10, is sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket.

ERIN
... then Mike Ambrosino remembered seeing
you folks at the hospital from time to time
too, so I thought I'd just stop by.
(to Annabelle)
You must be Annabelle.

ANNABELLE
Uh-huh.

ERIN
Whew, are you ever a beauty. I mean, you
must drive those boys crazy.

Annabelle smiles a little.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Late night. George rolls over -- Erin's side of the bed is
empty. He checks the clock, then gets up and heads into:

INT. ERIN'S APARTMENT, HALLWAY - NIGHT

He peers around and spots her, sitting in the little kid's
chair in Matthew and Katie's room.

Erin is holding Beth, watching Matt and Katie sleep. Erin
hears the floor creak as George steps into the doorway.

ERIN
Tell me something, George. What kind of God
lets a beautiful little 10-year-old girl get
brain cancer? Isn't He supposed to be in
charge of stuff like that? Make sure it
doesn't happen?
(beat)
I swear, any other job, He'd be fired.

EXT. VALLEY SIDEWALK - DAY

Ed and Erin are walking down the street, take-out coffee cups
in their hands. Ed is sipping his, but Erin is in too much
of a lather to drink hers.

ED
Hunh-uh. Absolutely not.
ERIN
That's crazy -- why not?

ED
Because I said no. Look -- the only reason
PG&E's even talking to us is cause this is a
quiet little real estate dispute. We add
plaintiffs, and suddenly we're in the middle
of a toxic tort -- with a statute problem --
against a massive utility. No, thank you.

They go into their office building.

INT. ELEVATOR - DAY

Erin and Ed are riding up.

ERIN
Okay, so here's what I'll do. I'll go on up
to Ted and Rita Daniels -- two of the nicest
people you'd ever hope to meet, who spend
every single day watching their little girl
fight like a dog against this cancer -- I'll
tell them we can't help them cause you don't
feel like working that hard.

ED
It's not about working hard --

ERIN
Bullshit.

ED
-- It's about being realistic. Something
like this, Erin -- it could take forever.
They're a huge corporation. They'd
completely bury us in paperwork. I'm just
one guy with a shitty little P.I. firm.

ERIN
-- who happens to know they poisoned people
and lied about it.

The doors open. Ed gets off. Erin follows.

INT. MASRY LAW OFFICE BUILDING, HALLWAY - DAY

Erin's dogging Ed down the hall, to the office.

ERIN
And this shit is bad news, Mr. Masry. Not
only does it attack every organ of the body,
it fucks with your DNA, too. That means
these people's genes, and the genes of their
kids, and the genes of their grandkids --

ED
I know how DNA works, Erin --

He gets to the Masry & Vititoe doors. Opens them.

Genres: Drama, Legal, Mystery
Tone: Serious, Intense, Emotional, Investigative

Summary Erin investigates chromium contamination and is determined to help affected families despite resistance from her boss.

Strengths

Emotional depth in character interactions
Compelling investigative elements
Revealing crucial information about the plot

Weaknesses

Some dialogue could be more concise

General Critique

The scene transitions between multiple locations and characters quite abruptly, which can make it feel disjointed and hard to follow.
There is a lack of clear focus on the main conflict or central theme of the scene, leading to a scattered narrative.
The dialogue feels a bit forced and expository at times, lacking in natural flow and authenticity.
The emotional depth of the characters and their interactions could be further developed to create a more engaging and impactful scene.
The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions and sensory details to immerse the audience in the different settings and character interactions.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider streamlining the scene by focusing on one key location or interaction to maintain coherence.
Work on making the dialogue more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities and emotions.
Explore the emotional dynamics between the characters to add depth and complexity to their interactions.
Enhance the visual descriptions to create a vivid and engaging visual experience for the audience.
Ensure a clear central conflict or theme is established and developed throughout the scene to provide a cohesive narrative.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. MASRY & VITITOE - DAY

Erin tails Ed back to his office.

ERIN
We can get these people. With a little
effort, I really think we can nail their
asses to the wall.

ED
Oh, you do? With all your legal expertise,
you believe that?

ERIN
Okay, fine. I don't know shit about shit.
But I know the difference --

He shuts his office door on her.

ERIN
-- BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG!

INT. ED'S OFFICE - DAY

Ed goes over to his desk, sits down. He sees a stack of
messages there, starts flipping through them. Then he stops.

ED
Damn it.

He shoves the messages aside and puts his head in his hands.
He sits like that for a moment, GROANS to himself. Then he
pushes himself up and heads over to his door.

When he opens it, he finds Erin still standing there, exactly
where he left her, arms crossed. She hasn't budged.

ED
How many families we talking about here?

ERIN
Four more. Eleven people. So far.
ED
You think there's more?

ERIN
Well -- I found one document at the water
board that had a toxic test well reading
from 1967. A hell of a lot of people have
lived on that land since then.

Ed pauses, groans again, realizing what decision he's making.

ED
This is a whole different ball game, Erin.
A much bigger deal.

ERIN
Kinda like David and what's-his-name?

ED
Kinda like David and what's-his-name's whole
fucking family.
(heavy sigh)
Okay, here's the deal -- if, and only if,
you find me the evidence to back all this up
-- I'll do it. I'll take it on.

She smiles victoriously.

ERIN
You're doing the right thing, Mr. Masry.

ED
Yeah, yeah. Remind me of that when I'm
filing for bankruptcy.

He heads back to his desk. Erin follows him into his office.

ERIN
Course, gathering evidence -- now, that's a
big job. A hell of a lot bigger than just
filing. I'm gonna be working a lot harder
now, taking on a lot more responsibility ...

He gives her a look. Knows what's coming.

ED
What now?

ERIN
Another raise wouldn't hurt. And with all
the time I'm gonna be spending on the road,
I'll probably be needing my own cel phone,
won't I?

INT. TOYS 'R' US - DAY

CLOSE ON A BEEPING CEL PHONE

as Erin tries to program numbers into its speed dial. WIDEN
to see she is reading from the phone's manual as she enters
Toys 'R' Us with George, Matthew, Katie and Beth.

ERIN
You each can pick out four things. But
nothing huge. Look at the price. Nothing
crazy.

Matthew and Katie fan out into the store. Erin keeps messing
with the phone.

GEORGE
You can buy 'em all the toys you want, but
come Monday, when you split again, they're
still gonna be pissed.

Erin looks over at him, weary.

ERIN
George, I am just trying to do something
nice for my kids on my one day off. Could
you please not give me a hard time about it?

GEORGE
One toy per kid is doing something nice.
Four is ... something else.

ERIN
Well, hell, I guess that's it, then, huh?
They're scarred for life. They're gonna
start holding up 7-11's any day now.

GEORGE
I'm just saying --

ERIN
(with intensity)
I know what you're saying, and I don't wanna
hear it. I am doing the best I can.

And she walks away from him.

EXT. HINKLEY, ROADSIDE DITCH - DAY

Erin, in high heels and miniskirt, is straddling a ditch,
scooping clumps of gunky moss from the ditch into plastic
containers. Over this:

ERIN (O.S.)
Dr. Frankel, it's Erin Brockovich. Tell me
something: if I wanna find as much evidence
of hexavalent chromium contamination as I
possibly can, what should I do?

As Erin labels the containers, her heels slide down the side
of the ditch, and she lands smack in it, knee-deep in gunk.

EXT. HINKLEY, COMMUNITY BOULEVARD - NIGHT

Erin, now completely dirty, is climbing over a fence marked
"No Trespassing". Her arms are full of more containers.

FRANKEL (O.S.)
Well, what you have to remember is, if you
have hex chrom in the water, you have it in
anything that lived off the water.

She adds them to a growing collection of containers in the
trunk of her car.

EXT. HINKLEY, THE POOL BEHIND AN ABANDONED HOUSE - DAY

Another day. This time it's RAINING. Erin minces her way
down to the deep end of the pool in her spike heels.

FRANKEL (O.S.)
What I'd do is start a collection. Anything
that existed in water, on water, under water
...

She gets to the deep end and scoops up a Ziploc full of
rancid pool water and seals it.

FRANKEL (O.S.)
anything that had water flow over or under
it ...

Erin spots a few dead frogs in the water. She picks one up
by the leg, and seals it in a plastic bag as well.

Genres: Drama, Legal, Investigative
Tone: Intense, Determined, Confrontational, Emotional

Summary Erin confronts Ed about the Hinkley case and convinces him to take it on if she finds more evidence. She collects contaminated water samples and other items from Hinkley to build her case while navigating criticism from George about her parenting choices.

Strengths

Compelling dialogue
Emotional depth
Character development
High stakes
Engaging conflict

Weaknesses

Some cliched moments
Predictable character interactions

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear transition between the conversation outside Ed's office and the Toys 'R' Us shopping trip, making the shift in location and focus feel abrupt.
Erin's dialogue about needing a raise and a cell phone comes across as overly direct and demanding, lacking subtlety in negotiating with Ed.
The dialogue between Erin and George at Toys 'R' Us feels forced and unnatural, with George's comments coming off as judgmental and unsupportive.
The scene lacks depth in exploring Erin's emotional state and the challenges she faces, focusing more on surface-level interactions and tasks.
The visual descriptions of Erin collecting samples in Hinkley are vivid and engaging, but the transition back to the Toys 'R' Us scene feels disjointed.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider adding a smoother transition between the conversation with Ed and the shopping trip to improve the flow of the scene.
Refine Erin's dialogue to convey her requests for a raise and a cell phone in a more nuanced and persuasive manner, reflecting her negotiation skills.
Develop George's character to provide more supportive and constructive feedback to Erin, enhancing their dynamic and the emotional depth of the scene.
Focus on exploring Erin's internal struggles and the weight of her responsibilities to add depth and complexity to her character.
Work on creating a seamless transition back to the Hinkley sampling scenes to maintain continuity and coherence in the storytelling.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

EXT. WELL - DAY

With a sample cup held in her teeth, Erin hauls herself up
over the well's concrete wall, then, with her back against
one side of the well and her feet against the other, starts
shimmying down the well.
FRANKEL (O.S.)
anything that had water pass through it ...

INSIDE THE WELL

she winces at the algae and gook that's clinging to her as
she descends to the water level. When she's low enough, she
takes the sample cup from her teeth and scoops up the water.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN'S DESK - DAY

Erin's at her desk, bending over her notebook in a miniskirt,
adding reports to the TOXICOLOGY binder.

FRANKEL (O.S.)
... collect 'em, label 'em, then bring 'em
to me. I'll analyze 'em, see what we got.

ON THE REPORTS: We catch a few words: "water sample A ...",
"soil sample D ...", "frog sample A ...", "... traces of
hexavalent ..."

Brenda looks at Erin and sees her hem rising in the back.

BRENDA
For God's sake, Erin, I can see your
panties.

Erin turns to Brenda, relishing the chance to irritate her.

ERIN
Liar. I'm not wearing any.

Ed, in his office, laughs. He's starting to like this gal.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

It's a hot night. George is playing on the floor with the
kids. Erin is behind them on the couch, laboriously reading
a book labeled, simply, CHROMIUM. The phone RINGS. Erin
picks it up.

ERIN
Hello?

MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Is this the Erin Pattee Brockovich that's
been snooping around the water board?

His voice is flat, creepy. Not friendly.

ERIN
Yes. Who's this?

CLICK. Erin stares at the phone, freaked.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - NIGHT

George watches Erin double-checking the locks on the door.

ERIN
I'm not gonna quit cause of one creepy phone
call, George.

GEORGE
Come on, Erin. A job's supposed to pay your
bills, not put you in danger.

ERIN
I'm not in danger. I have a dead bolt.
Remember?

She goes to the living room, double-checks the window locks
in there. George follows.

GEORGE
Look, don't take this the wrong way, but
don't you think you might be out of your
league here?

ERIN
No, see -- that's exactly what those
arrogant PG&E fucks want me to think -- that
because they got all this money and power,
we don't stand a chance in hell against
them. But you know what? They're wrong.

She heads into the bedrooms.

GEORGE
It doesn't have to be this complicated,
Erin. There's a lot of jobs out there.

ERIN
(off-hand)
How would you know?

George reacts, a little stung. He follows her into:

INT. MATT AND KATIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Matt and Katie are asleep. Erin is checking their windows.
George comes in. They whisper.
GEORGE
You mind telling me what that's supposed to
mean?

ERIN
Nothing.

GEORGE
If you got a problem with me taking care of
your kids instead of getting some job, just
say so.

ERIN
I didn't say that.

GEORGE
Cause I can get a job. I will. And you can
start leaving the kids with the chicken fat
lady again. Would that make you happy?

ERIN
Keep your voice down.

GEORGE
I know what they can sleep through, Erin. I
probably know it better than you.

She gives him a glare, then leaves the room.

INT. WATER BOARD - DAY

Erin is reaching up to a high shelf for a dusty old box of
files. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Ross passing.

ERIN
Hey, Ross. Tell me something. Does PG&E
pay you to cover their ass, or do you just
do it out of the kindness of your heart?

ROSS
(a bad liar)
I don't know what you're talking about.

ERIN
The fuck you don't. No one calls me Pattee.
That heavy-breathing sicko that called the
other night could've only found out about me
from you.
(beat)
People are dying, Ross. You got document
after document here, right under your nose,
that says why, and you haven't said word one
about it. I wanna know how the hell you
sleep at night.

Ross is speechless. He just stands there. Erin drags the
box to the floor and goes to work.

EXT. WATER BOARD - NIGHT

Erin's car is parked in front. A DIRTY OLD PICK-UP comes
rumbling up the road. When its lights hit Erin's car, it
slows, then pulls over. The driver flicks on his BRIGHTS to
get a better look at the car. The truck sits there for a
bit, a dark presence. Then, as the headlights of another car
appear down the road, the truck goes back in gear, pulls out
and drives off.

INT. ERIN'S HYUNDAI - NIGHT

A pile of documents is strapped into the passenger seat. An
empty coffee cup rolls around the floor. Erin's driving,
exhausted. She yawns as she dials her phone.

GEORGE (O.S.)
Hello?

Genres: Drama, Thriller
Tone: Suspenseful, Intense, Determined, Defiant

Summary Erin, a determined investigator, collects water samples and faces criticism and skepticism as she unravels a water contamination case. Despite threats and doubts, she confronts a potential suspect but encounters denial. Erin's late-night document examination highlights her commitment, leaving her resolved to continue her investigation.

Strengths

Intense atmosphere
Compelling character motivations
High stakes
Emotional depth

Weaknesses

Some dialogue could be more nuanced
Character interactions could be further developed

General Critique

The scene starts with Erin collecting water samples from a well, which is a good visual representation of her investigative work. However, the transition to Erin working at her desk in a miniskirt feels out of place and unnecessary.
The dialogue between Erin and Brenda about Erin's attire and panties seems forced and doesn't add much to the scene. It comes across as more of a distraction than a meaningful interaction.
The phone call Erin receives from a creepy male voice adds an element of suspense, but the scene could benefit from more context or development of this mysterious caller.
The conversation between Erin and George about her safety and job choices feels a bit repetitive and could be streamlined to focus on the main conflict and tension between them.
The interaction between Erin and Ross at the water board is intriguing, but the resolution feels abrupt. More development of this confrontation and its implications could add depth to the scene.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider streamlining the scene to focus on Erin's investigative work and the tension with George, rather than including unnecessary interactions like the one with Brenda.
Develop the mysterious phone call subplot further to create more suspense and intrigue in the scene.
Explore the conflict between Erin and Ross at the water board in more detail to add complexity and depth to the storyline.
Enhance the dialogue between Erin and George to highlight their conflicting views on her job and safety, making it more impactful and engaging.
Ensure that each interaction and element in the scene contributes meaningfully to the overall plot and character development.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INTERCUT between Erin in her car, and George in bed.

ERIN
I'm so tired I'm about to drive off the
road. Keep me awake, willya?

GEORGE
What do you want, a joke?

ERIN
No, no jokes, I gotta pee. Just tell me
about your day. What went on back there?

GEORGE
Well, come to think of it, we did have a big
event around here. Beth started talking.

ERIN
What?
(beat)
Beth? My Beth?

GEORGE
Yeah. We were sitting around at lunch and
she pointed at a ball and said, "ball."

Erin says nothing, just stares out at the empty highway,
feeling all hollowed-out.

GEORGE
I'd never seen that before -- someone's
first word. Pretty intense.

Erin just nods. Keeps staring straight ahead as a tear rolls
down her cheek.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN AND BRENDA'S AREA - DAY

CLOSE ON SOME FILES as Erin hands them to Ed. As he takes
them from her, he notices a crematory urn on Erin's desk.

ED
Is that what I think it is?

ERIN
She lived on the plume. You never know.

Ed laughs and hands the documents to Brenda without looking
at her. She grumpily takes them over to the fax machine.

CLOSE ON THE FAX LED as Brenda types in the number. The
recipient's name comes up again: PG&E CLAIMS DEPT.

EXT. HINKLEY BARBECUE - DAY

Open pits, pony rides, watermelon. George is watching Katie
and Matt being led around on ponies, an activity that stopped
being fun hours ago. Now they're just hot and tired.

BY THE BARBECUE, Ed is talking to an OLDER COUPLE as they
sign retainer agreements.

ELSEWHERE, Erin, holding Beth, is looking at pictures of a
swimming pool with FIVE OTHER WOMEN. The water is green.

ERIN
This was the community pool?

WOMAN 1
Yeah, that PG&E built. The whole time we
thought it was algae that made it so green.

LATER ...

Erin's trunk is open. She and Ed are clipping new clusters
of retainer agreements into the "PLAINTIFFS" binder.

LATER STILL ...
Erin and Ed are passing out informational pamphlets. She
sticks one in a hand before noticing that it's George's.

GEORGE
I'm bored, and so are the kids.

ERIN
Just a few more minutes, then we can go.
(as he heads off)
Take her, will you?

George drops the pamphlet and takes Beth from Erin. He heads
over to Matt and Katie, sitting glumly on a log.

As he steps away, a hand reaches down and grabs the flier he
dropped. It belongs to a MAN IN A BLACK JACKET. He's in his
50's, strong and sinewy. Military-style dark glasses obscure
his eyes. He scans the pamphlet, then watches Erin working
the crowd. Watches her carefully. He slides the pamphlet
into his inside pocket, and heads back his car -- the DIRTY
OLD PICK-UP TRUCK that idled in front of the Water Board.

LATER STILL ...

Erin is heading over to George and the kids, ready to leave,
when Donna comes up to her, with A MIDDLE-AGED MAN in tow.

DONNA
Erin, this here's Frank Melendez. He works
over at the compressor station --

Erin stops in her tracks, very interested.

LATER STILL ...

Erin and Frank are on a bench, talking. Out of the corner of
her eye, she sees her car drive off. George's hand sticks
out the driver's side and flips her the bird. She watches
him disappear, then, hiding her rage, turns back to Frank.

ERIN
I'm sorry. What were you saying?

LATER ...

The barbecue is winding down. Ed is heading for his
Mercedes. Erin storms up beside him, mad as all get-out.

ERIN
I need a ride.

INT. ED'S CAR - DAY
Ed is driving. He glances over at Erin, fuming in the
passenger seat. After a beat:

ED
You wanna talk about --

ERIN
No.

Another beat. Then Erin's cel phone rings. She digs into
her bag, pulling it out as fast as she can. Answers.

ERIN
What, asshole?

There's a pause. Then Mike Ambrosino's voice comes over the
line, very strained:

MIKE AMBROSINO (O.S.)
Um, Erin? This is Mike. Ambrosino.

EXT. AMBROSINOS' HOUSE, FOYER - DAY

The curtains are drawn; everything is dark. Ed and Erin are
at the door, talking to Mike, who looks drawn and tired.

MIKE
She was about to take a handful of these --

He shows them a bottle of prescription pills.

MIKE
It's a morphine thing -- for pain --

Erin nods, then leaves Ed with Mike and heads toward:

Genres: Drama, Mystery, Thriller
Tone: Intense, Emotional, Suspenseful

Summary Exhausted from driving, Erin calls George to keep her awake. George shares that her daughter, Beth, has spoken her first word, "ball", affecting Erin emotionally. Erin and Ed collect signed retainer agreements at a barbecue. Erin meets Frank Melendez, who provides valuable information. George briefly takes over caring for Beth but drives off angrily after an argument with Erin. Erin receives a call that Mike Ambrosino's wife attempted suicide and is in possession of morphine pills.

Strengths

Emotional depth
Intriguing plot twists
Realistic dialogue

Weaknesses

Some scenes may feel rushed
Character motivations could be further explored

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear focus and direction, jumping between different locations and conversations without a cohesive thread.
The dialogue between Erin and George feels disconnected and lacks depth, missing an opportunity to explore their relationship further.
The introduction of the Man in the Black Jacket feels abrupt and out of place, adding unnecessary tension without proper development.
The transition between different interactions and events is choppy, making it difficult for the audience to follow the scene's progression.
Erin's interaction with Mike Ambrosino at the end feels rushed and lacks emotional depth, missing an opportunity to delve into the impact of his wife's suicide attempt.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Focus on a central conflict or theme to drive the scene forward and maintain audience engagement.
Develop the dialogue between Erin and George to reveal more about their characters and relationship dynamics.
Integrate the introduction of the Man in the Black Jacket more organically into the scene to build suspense and intrigue.
Smooth out the transitions between different interactions and events to create a more cohesive narrative flow.
Expand on Erin's interaction with Mike Ambrosino to explore the emotional weight of his wife's suicide attempt and its impact on Erin.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. AMBROSINOS' HOUSE, BEDROOM - DAY

Erin opens the door. Very dark, very quiet. Laura is lying
in bed. Erin goes over to her. They speak in whispers.

LAURA
I'm embarrassed.

ERIN
That's okay. I understand.

LAURA
It's just -- the pain. It's only getting
worse. I can't be a good wife. I can't be
a good mother.
ERIN
I'm real sorry, Laura.

Erin sits down on the chair next to the bed. Takes a beat.

LAURA
Know what I always thought I wanted outta
life, Erin? A Jaguar.

ERIN
Jaguar's a darn pretty car.

LAURA
I thought if I could spend that kinda money
on a car, it'd mean everything else was
fine.
(beat)
I don't even know how much they cost.

ERIN
A lot. But you hang in there, maybe you'll
get one.

Laura shakes her head.

LAURA
Wouldn't mean the same thing.

Erin watches her sadly.

INT. PG&E COMPRESSOR STATION - DAY

A LOUD, industrial plant. Erin and Frank Melendez walk
through, him in coveralls, her in a teensy sun dress. Both
in hard-hats. He's giving her a tour.

EXT. NORTHRIDGE STREET - DAY

George, in his leather and denim, is walking down the
sidewalk. As we WIDEN, we see he's pushing a PINK STROLLER.
He stops at a crosswalk, waiting for the light to change.

In the stroller, Beth starts to whine. George reaches in his
pocket, finds her pacifier. As he's leaning down to give it
to her, he hears a RUMBLE coming down the street behind him.
The roar grows. He stands, looks. A GROUP OF ABOUT TEN
BIKERS has pulled up next to him. He looks at them. They
look at him, then at the stroller. George feels ridiculous.

When the light changes, the bikers REV LOUDLY and pull out.
George just stands there and watches them go.
INT. MASRY & VITITOE - NIGHT

His office is all about Hinkley. A map of the plume area and
a diagram of the plant cover one wall; photos of the plant
cover the credenza; piles of documents litter every surface;

Erin is up at the map, eating Chinese food.

ERIN
They used the hex chrom here, in these
cooling tanks, as an anti-corrosive. Then
they dumped it here, in these six ponds.

ED
I don't remember seeing any ponds up there.

She bites into a forkful of food, keeps talking.

ERIN
They covered 'em over. And not too
carefully either, cause you dig one inch
under the surface, and the dirt is green as
a fucking shamrock.

ED
And that's what caused the contamination?

ERIN
It didn't help, but no. The real problem's
on the bottom.

She reaches for a document, reads from it.

ERIN
See, according to this, they were supposed
to line the ponds so this shit couldn't seep
into the ground. But guess what --

ED
They skipped that step.

ERIN
I guess it was a little too inconvenient.
So for fourteen years, this stuff flowed
into the groundwater, free as you please.

ED
Jesus.
(beat)
I don't even wanna ask what you did to make
this Melendez guy talk.
In response to the insinuation, Erin gives him a glare.

ERIN
For your information, Frank cares what was
in those ponds 'cause he used to spend half
his day wading around them. That was his
job.

ED
No shit.

ERIN
No --

Suddenly, her eyes pop out of her head --

ERIN
SHIT! SHIT! Hot! Hot! Hot!

Tears spring to her eyes. She fans furiously at her mouth.
Ed finds the tequila from the client and hands it to her.
She takes a swig. There's a nanosecond of relief ... until
the tequila hits. Her eyes redden. She spews and gasps.

ERIN
You ... asshole ...

Ed chuckles.

Genres: Drama, Thriller
Tone: Intense, Emotional, Informative

Summary Erin visits Laura, who is bedridden and struggling with pain caused by PG&E's contamination. Meanwhile, George feels out of place among bikers while pushing his daughter in a stroller. Erin explains the negligence behind the contamination to Ed, but accidentally consumes tequila, causing distress.

Strengths

Emotional depth
Revealing crucial information
Intense dialogue

Weaknesses

Some cliched moments
Predictable character reactions

General Critique

The scene transitions abruptly from a somber moment with Laura to Erin and Frank touring the PG&E compressor station, which feels disjointed.
The introduction of George pushing a stroller among bikers seems out of place and doesn't add much to the overall narrative.
The dialogue between Erin and Ed at Masry & Vititoe feels a bit forced and expository, lacking in natural flow.
The sudden shift from discussing serious contamination issues to Erin accidentally drinking tequila feels tonally inconsistent.
The scene lacks a clear emotional throughline and could benefit from better pacing and transitions.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider restructuring the scene to create a smoother flow between the different elements and emotional beats.
Focus on maintaining a consistent tone throughout the scene to keep the audience engaged and connected to the characters.
Work on developing more organic dialogue that reflects the characters' personalities and the gravity of the situation they are dealing with.
Explore ways to deepen the emotional impact of the scene, especially in moments of vulnerability and conflict.
Ensure that each scene contributes meaningfully to the overall story arc and character development.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - LATER

The tequila's been dipped into. Ed and Erin are each lying
on a couch, staring at documents. Late-night working.

ED
Erin -- lemme tell you something. If I'da
put three researchers on this, I wouldn't
expect them to dig up all the information
you got here. This is some damn good work.

ERIN
Yeah? Then gimme another raise.

ED
Hey, I got a staff to pay, plus rent, plus I
haven't billed a minute of my time since I
started on this case, so you can quit
hitting me up like I'm rich or something.

He gets up, grabs his trash can, and moves around the room
with it, cleaning up all the Chinese food cartons.
ERIN
Don't give me that. You're gonna get plenty
rich off of this, Mr. 40 percent. We got
those PG&E fuckers by the balls here.

ED
We've got the PG&E fuckers in Hinkley by the
balls. But nobody's getting rich unless we
can pin this on the corporate PG&E fuckers
in San Francisco.

ERIN
What do you mean?

ED
PG&E corporate is claiming they had no way
of knowing what was going on in Hinkley.

ERIN
Oh, they knew. They had to know.

ED
Show me the document that proves that.

She doesn't have one.

ED
Then they didn't know. And if they didn't
know, we can't hit 'em for punitive damages.
And punitive damages is where the money is.

ERIN
Jesus Christ, Ed -- you know, the more I
work on this thing, the more I realize what
a crock of shit this legal system is. Here
we got a company that poisoned a whole
aquifer -- that built a pool for a town,
then filled it with toxic water -- and we're
the ones who've gotta bust our ass proving
things? That's just not right.

Beat. Ed smiles.

ED
I like this case.

ERIN
Really? It makes me sick.

ED
Me too. That's why I like it. It's been a
long time since I had a case I cared about.

ERIN
You didn't care about my case?

ED
I would now.

He gives her a long look.

ED
Hey. I like working with you.

ERIN
Well, good, Ed. I like working with you
too.

They both smile a little awkwardly. Take a beat. Then:

ED
When'd you start calling me Ed?

INT. MASRY & VITITOE - NIGHT

The Christmas party. The office is decorated; someone is
Santa. Erin and George enter, all dressed up.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, HALLWAY - NIGHT

Erin's giving George a guided tour. As they head down the
hall, every desk is decorated and has a present on it

GEORGE
I'm just saying -- we have one night to
ourselves, why do we have to spend it here?

ERIN
Cause it's my office party. If you had an
office, I'd go to your party.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN AND BRENDA'S DESKS - NIGHT

It's dark. The door to Erin's area opens.

ERIN
And here, ta-daa, is my desk.

She flicks on the lights. Brenda's desk is decorated and as
a present on it. Erin's is empty.

GEORGE
Which one?
(it's obvious)
Maybe they didn't think you were coming.

Erin shakes her head. She's surprised by how hurt she is.

ERIN
(quietly)
God damn. I work so hard. The least they
could do ...

George looks over at her, sees her eyes glisten a little. He
goes over to her, wraps his arms around her.

GEORGE
Hey. Fuck 'em, babe. Who needs 'em, huh?

He kisses her. She leans into him. He kisses her some more.

GEORGE
(quietly)
See? All we need is each other.

She kisses back. She's gonna let him take care of her. Some
more kisses, heating up. He slides her onto her empty desk.

GEORGE
Good thing there isn't a present there, huh?
That mighta hurt.

She laughs a little. He slides his hands up her skirt. She
pulls him into her, tugging his shirt out of his pants.

INT. MASRY OFFICES, HALLWAY - NIGHT

Ed is coming down the hall with his wife, JOEY. Joey is much
younger than Ed, and very pretty.

ED
I'll show you what we did back here --

INT. ERIN'S DESK - NIGHT

Erin and George, in a rapidly-heating-up clinch on her desk,
hear the voices. Erin pulls away.

ERIN
That's Ed.

GEORGE
Lock the door.
ERIN
No, I wanna say hi.

He pulls her back into him, not wanting to move.

GEORGE
We'll say hi later. Lock it.

But Erin pulls away ...

ERIN
Come on, George, it's a party.

He watches her straighten her dress and take a step away from
him. It's just one step, but it feels a hell a lot farther.

Genres: Drama, Legal, Romance
Tone: Intense, Emotional, Serious, Romantic, Tense

Summary Ed and Erin work together on the PG&E case, discussing the need to prove the company's knowledge of contamination for punitive damages. Erin expresses frustration with the legal system, which Ed acknowledges. The scene shifts to the Masry & Vititoe Christmas party, where Erin and George share a kiss on her desk, noticing the lack of a gift. The arrival of Ed and his wife prompts Erin to pull away, leaving George disappointed.

Strengths

Emotional depth
Character development
Engaging dialogue

Weaknesses

Lack of external action
Limited setting

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear focus and direction, jumping between different conversations and interactions without a cohesive thread.
The dialogue feels forced and lacks depth, with characters stating their feelings and intentions rather than showing them through actions and subtext.
The transition between Ed and Erin working late to the Christmas party feels abrupt and disjointed, lacking a smooth connection.
The romantic interaction between Erin and George feels rushed and out of place, detracting from the overall tone and theme of the scene.
The scene lacks subtlety and nuance in exploring the dynamics between the characters, relying on cliched interactions and dialogue.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Focus on developing a clear central conflict or theme for the scene to provide a sense of purpose and direction.
Revise the dialogue to be more nuanced and reflective of the characters' emotions and motivations, using subtext and actions to convey their feelings.
Consider a smoother transition between the late-night work session and the Christmas party to maintain continuity and flow.
Reevaluate the romantic subplot between Erin and George to ensure it aligns with the overall tone and narrative of the screenplay.
Work on adding depth and complexity to the character interactions, avoiding cliches and stereotypes to create more authentic relationships.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. RECEPTION AREA - LATER

Erin and Ed are at the reception desk, talking and laughing.

NEARBY, Joey and George are standing together, awkwardly.

JOEY
Your wife's real pretty.

GEORGE
She's not my wife.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MATT AND KATIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Matthew lies awake in his bed, listening to George and Erin
fight.

GEORGE (O.S.)
It wouldn't kill you to talk about
something other than yourself and your own
fucking job once in a while --

ERIN (O.S.)
What do you want to talk about instead?
Your day? That's a fascinating subject.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Erin and George are fighting while they get ready for bed.

GEORGE
Fuck you. Just cause I don't spend all day
trying to prove what hot shit I am --

ERIN
That is not what I'm --
GEORGE
Bullshit, Erin. Bullshit.

The fight is interrupted by the sound of BETH CRYING.

ERIN
Great. Excellent. Thank you very much.

She leaves the room.

INT. BETH'S ROOM - NIGHT

Beth is wailing in her crib. Erin comes in in her nightshirt
and lifts Beth out. Then, more to herself than to Beth:

ERIN
It's okay, baby. It'll be okay.

She runs her hand over Beth's head, then slides down the wall
and crumples onto the floor. As she curls around Beth, Erin
starts to COUGH. Deep, raspy coughs from way down low.

EXT. PG&E STATION - NIGHT

Late, late at night. The plant is silent. The property
seems empty, until we notice Pete Irving standing alone
inside the gates, staring up at the station.

After a beat, he picks up a rock and hurls it at the plant.
It misses. Not that it would do anything if it hit. He
reaches for another, throws it. Then another, and another.
He hurls rock after rock at the gigantic plant. Then,
overwhelmed by his impotence, he lets out a TERRIFYING YELL.

INT. IRVINGS' HOUSE, DONNA'S BEDROOM - DAY

Donna's sitting quietly in bed. Erin is sitting on the edge
of the bed.

DONNA
I'd got so used to having 'em come up
benign, I guess I just didn't expect it.

She looks down her shirt front.

DONNA
Sure wish I had longer to get used to the
idea.
(beat)
You think if you got no uterus, and no
breasts, you're still technically a woman?
ERIN
Sure you are. You're just a happier woman,
cause you don't have to deal with maxi-pads
and underwire.

Donna smiles a little. Then her face crumbles.

DONNA
We're gonna get them, aren't we, Erin? You
gotta promise me we're gonna get them.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, DAY

CLOSE ON THE FAX LED

as DOCUMENTS are faxed once again to the PG&E CLAIMS DEPT.

THEN AGAIN, on another day.

AND AGAIN, on another day.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY

Ed is once again checking the lie of his tie in a window.
Erin is popping some aspirin, trying to kill a headache that
has brought with it a healthy dose of intolerance.

ERIN
If they've sent that little shmuck Baum
again, I'm gonna be real pissed off.

ED
From their tone of voice on the phone, I'd
say they're taking us more seriously.

ERIN
Yeah, I heard that one before.

Brenda leans her head in.

BRENDA
Mr. Sanchez, Mr. Webster, Mr. Buda, and Ms.
Cooper, from PG&E are here.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION AREA - DAY

Talk about moving up the food chain. MS. SANCHEZ, MR.
WEBSTER, MR. BUDA, and MR. COOPER mill slowly about the
reception area like sharks. They all ooze importance.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, OUTSIDE OF ED'S OFFICE - DAY
Erin, Ed and Brenda are staring out at them.

ERIN
Jesus. They look like the Secret Service.

ED
They're trying to intimidate us.
(then, to Brenda)
Tell them to wait in the conference room.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Sanchez, Webster, Buda, and Cooper are seated.

The door opens and Ed enters, legal pad under his arm.
Followed by Erin, legal pad under her arm. Followed by Anna
(looking professional in Brenda's suit coat), legal pad under
her arm. Followed by Mario (in a suit produced from who
knows where), legal pad under his arm. If you didn't know
better, you'd assume it was a team of lawyers as well.

ED
Counselors --

MR. SANCHEZ
Counselors.

Ed and Erin sit down and get to work. Mario and Anna,
clearly told to just follow along, sit down a moment later.

Genres: Drama
Tone: Tense, Emotional, Confrontational, Intense

Summary Erin and George quarrel at home while Matthew overhears their fight. Donna confides in Erin about her cancer diagnosis. Pete Irving expresses his frustration towards PG&E. Masry & Vititoe's meeting with PG&E representatives intensifies the conflict between the two parties.

Strengths

Emotional depth
Tension-filled dialogue
Character development

Weaknesses

Repetitive faxing scenes
Some cliched confrontational moments

General Critique

The scene transitions abruptly from Erin and Ed laughing at the reception desk to George and Joey standing awkwardly nearby, which feels disjointed.
The dialogue between George and Erin in their bedroom lacks depth and comes across as cliched arguments between a couple.
The emotional intensity of Erin crumpling onto the floor and coughing deeply is not fully explored or resolved in the subsequent scenes.
The transition to Pete Irving throwing rocks at the PG&E station feels disconnected from the previous interactions.
The conversation between Erin and Donna about Donna's cancer diagnosis lacks emotional depth and resolution.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider smoother transitions between scenes to maintain the flow of the narrative.
Develop the dialogue between George and Erin to reflect a more authentic and nuanced relationship dynamic.
Explore Erin's emotional turmoil and physical distress more deeply after the intense argument with George.
Ensure that the scenes involving different characters and conflicts are connected thematically to maintain coherence.
Enhance the emotional impact of conversations like the one between Erin and Donna to add depth to the characters and their relationships.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER

Mario and Anna are sitting mutely in their seats beside Ed
and Erin, firing blank looks across the table.

SANCHEZ
Let's be honest, here. Two million dollars
is more money than these people have ever
dreamed of.

Erin has no patience for this today.

ERIN
Oh, see, now that pisses me off. First of
all -- we got more'n a hundred plaintiffs.
They may not be sophisticated, but they do
know how to divide, and two million dollars
isn't shit when it's split between them.

Mario and Anna exchange a look. This is getting interesting.
ED
Erin --

But there's no stopping her.

ERIN
And second of all -- these people don't
dream about being rich. They dream about
being able to watch their kids swim in a
pool without worrying they'll have to have a
hysterectomy at age 20, like Rosa Diaz -- a
client of ours -- or have their spine
deteriorate like Stan Bloom. Another client
of ours. So before you come back here with
another lame-ass offer, I want you to think
real hard about what your spine is worth,
Mr. Buda -- or what you'd expect someone to
pay you for your uterus, Miss Sanchez --
then you take out your calculator and
multiply that number by a hundred. Anything
less than that is a waste of our time.

And she gets up and storms out of the meeting.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, COFFEE AREA - DAY

Erin drinks a big swig of coffee and pops a few more aspirin.
Beyond her, the PG&E lawyers are filing out of the office.
Anna wanders over to Erin, a little uncomfortable.

ANNA
Um, Erin?
(Erin turns)
Listen. Even though you're not necessarily
my favorite person in the world ...
(beat)
... sometimes you're not half-bad.

ERIN
I'm gonna assume that was meant as a
compliment, Anna, and just say thank you.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN'S DESK - NIGHT

Erin's at her desk, which is completely buried in documents
and files. She's visibly exhausted, struggling to focus on
the page, and COUGHING while she works. Ed calls to her.

ED
Hey. A new plaintiff called, wants to meet
you. I told him we'd be out there Thursday.
ERIN
D'you get his name?
(no answer)
Course not. Jesus, Ed --

ED
He said he'd be at the gas station at six.

ERIN
Boy, this job takes me to some of the best
damn places, huh?

EXT. HINKLEY GAS STATION - SUNSET

Erin is sitting out front, swigging cough syrup from the
bottle. She checks her watch: 6:30. The GAS STATION
ATTENDANT comes out, locks up, and turns out the lights.

ERIN
This is the only station in town, right?

ATTENDANT
Yup.

He gets in his car and drives off. Erin sits down again.
Looks down the road in both directions. Nothing.

Then she spots, behind some bushes across the street, a glint
of chrome. She shields her eyes against the sunset and sees:
the BEAT-UP TRUCK parked behind some shrubbery.

Erin looks around, realizes she's alone. As she looks back
at the truck, the ASH of a cigarette brightens in the cab.
She realizes she's being watched. The driver's door opens.

Erin bolts for her car, scrambling to find her keys. She
jumps in, locks her doors, and tries to start her car, but it
won't turn over. Panic. The Man in the Dark Glasses has
gotten out and is heading toward her car. Erin looks around
again. Not a soul. She tries the engine again. And again.

Just as he gets to her car, the engine engages. Erin peels
out of the gas station.

INT. ERIN'S CAR - NIGHT

Erin drives down the road, hyperventilating, trying to focus
on the road. She looks in the rear-view mirror -- nothing.

She reaches the train tracks. A train is passing. She has
to stop. As she's waiting, the glint of headlights bounce
off her rear view mirror. Truck lights, coming her way.
Fuck. She looks at the train -- still passing -- then back
at the headlights closing in on her. The train, the
headlights, the train, the headlights ...

Finally, when the headlights are right behind her, the last
train car zips by. Erin peels out, bounding her rickety car
over the tracks. The truck follows.

EXT. HINKLEY ROAD - NIGHT

The Hyundai zips down the road. And behind it, the truck.

INT. HYUNDAI - NIGHT

She looks out at the landscape around her. It's black. No
other cars on the road. She starts to panic, accelerates.

EXT. HINKLEY ROAD - NIGHT

The Hyundai going faster. The truck still following.

INT. HYUNDAI - NIGHT

Erin comes up on a stop sign. She runs it. So does the
truck. A little later, she makes a turn and sees THE LOST
CAUSE SALOON. In the parking lot, like a lifeboat, sits Ed's
Mercedes. She pulls into the drive and jumps out of her car.

INT. LOST CAUSE SALOON - NIGHT

Ed is eating ribs when Erin bursts through the door. She
rushes over to him, near tears with fear and exhaustion.

ERIN
Someone's following me.

ED
What? Who?

ERIN
Some guy in a truck -- he waited till I was
alone, then he followed me, like, two miles.
Jesus, I'm shaking. Get me a beer.

Ed gets up and heads toward the door.

ED
(to the counter guy)
Beer, please.

As Ed looks out the door, Erin collapses onto a bench.
ED
What kind of truck?

ERIN
I don't know. Big. Dark.

ED
He's gone.
(back to the table)
Did you get a license plate? Or a make?

ERIN
No, Ed -- what with me running for my life,
I didn't have time to check those things --

ED
I was just asking. Are you all right?

ERIN
Yeah. Yeah, I'm ... fine.

Ed looks at her. She looks terrible. Shaky, tired, drawn.

ED
Jesus, you look like shit. When was the
last time you had a decent night's sleep?

Genres: Drama, Thriller
Tone: Intense, Suspenseful, Emotional

Summary Erin and Ed meet with attorneys to discuss a settlement offer for over 100 plaintiffs. Erin argues for a higher settlement, and Ed tells her about a new plaintiff who wants to meet with her. Erin meets the new plaintiff at a gas station, but she is followed by a mysterious truck. She is able to escape and meet up with Ed at a bar.

Strengths

Intense atmosphere
Strong character development
Emotional depth

Weaknesses

Some cliched elements in the dialogue

General Critique

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense as Erin is followed by a mysterious man in a truck, creating a sense of danger and urgency.
Erin's emotional state is well portrayed, showing her fear and exhaustion, which adds depth to her character.
The dialogue between Erin and Ed is impactful, highlighting Erin's determination to fight for justice and the obstacles she faces.
The visual descriptions help set the tone and atmosphere of the scene, enhancing the reader's immersion in the story.
The scene effectively transitions from moments of high tension to moments of relief, creating a dynamic and engaging narrative.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Erin to further explore her fear and vulnerability in the situation.
Provide more context or hints about the mysterious man in the truck to build intrigue and suspense.
Explore the aftermath of the encounter with the man in the truck to show how it impacts Erin's character development and future actions.
Consider incorporating subtle clues or foreshadowing elements to hint at the identity or motives of the man in the truck for a more layered storytelling.
Enhance the pacing of the scene by balancing the moments of tension with moments of reflection or character development to create a more dynamic narrative.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

EXT. HINKLEY MOTEL - NIGHT

Crappy and pink. Ed's Mercedes pulls into the parking lot.
Erin's Hyundai follows. Ed stops, gets out.

INT. HYUNDAI - NIGHT

Ed swings by Erin's open car window.

ED
Don't worry. I'm getting two rooms.

EXT. HINKLEY MOTEL - NIGHT

Erin and Ed amble down the porch, checking door numbers, each
rattling a key. They find their adjacent rooms and stop.
Erin leans against the wall, too weak to stand.

ED
Lock the door every which way you can. And
if there's anything -- funny sound, whatever
-- pound on the wall. I'll come right over.

She nods a little. Then before she goes into her room:
ERIN
I think you should know -- there's very few
people in the world who don't piss me off 90
percent of the time.
(beat)
You're one of 'em.

It's as tender as she gets, and he's moved by it. They look
at each other. Maybe even considering. But after a long
beat, she reaches for her door again. Moment over.

ED
I'm triple locking my door, so don't even
think of trying to take advantage.

She smiles, goes inside. He watches her close her door
behind her before going inside himself.

EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE, FRONT STOOP - NIGHT

George is sitting alone on the stoop, drinking a beer. Music
is coming from his house next door. He stares out into the
street with a lot on his mind.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY

Katie and Matt are making a mess of breakfast. Beth is on
the floor, grinding cereal into the linoleum.

ERIN (O.S.)
Hello?

Erin enters, having just gotten home, and sees the mayhem.

ERIN
What are you doing? Where's George?

KATIE
I don't know.

ERIN
George!

She heads out.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

George is sitting on the bed when Erin enters.

ERIN
Jesus, George, they're turning the kitchen
into a hellhole. You know you can't leave
them alone like that.

He doesn't answer. Doesn't move. She notices this.

ERIN
What's going on? What are you doing?

GEORGE
Thinking.

ERIN
About what?

He's very calm. He holds out a small jewelry box.

GEORGE
About this.

ERIN
What's that?

GEORGE
It's a pair of earrings. I saw 'em in the
mall one day, and I thought, damn, those
would look good on those beautiful earlobes.
So I bought 'em. And I said to myself, next
time Erin says something nice, does
something nice, I'll surprise her with 'em.
(beat)
Know how long ago that was? Six months. In
six months, you haven't said one nice thing
to me. That's a long time.

ERIN
I'm sorry. I'm just working so hard --

GEORGE
I know. But still. Six months.
(he stands)
I think you oughta either find a different
job or a different boyfriend. Cause there
may be men who don't mind being the maid and
getting nothing in return, but I'm sure as
shit not one of 'em.

ERIN
I can't leave my job, George.

GEORGE
Yeah, you can. You could just quit. People
do it all the time.
ERIN
I can't. Look -- this job -- it's the best
thing that ever happened to me. I mean it.
For the first time in my life, I got people
respecting me. Up in Hinkley, I walk into a
room and everyone shuts up just to hear what
I got to say. I never had that. Ever.
Don't ask me to give it up. I need it.

GEORGE
More than you need me.

ERIN
I need it.

He nods, then stands, to leave.

GEORGE
Maybe you didn't like who you were before,
Erin, but I did. That's who I fell in love
with.

Only then does she see the packed duffel bag in the corner.

ERIN
You already packed up your stuff?

GEORGE
I pretty much knew what your answer was
gonna be.

He picks it up and walks out the door, tossing the earring
box on the bed as he goes.

INT. ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Erin is at her window, looking out at the street below.
George is strapping a couple of bags onto the back of his
bike. He gets on the bike, starts it up, and drives away.

INT. HYUNDAI - DAY

Erin is driving, looking weary. Her kids are in the car.

Matthew turns on the radio. Erin reaches over and turns it
off. Matthew turns it back on. Erin glares at him, turns it
off. On/off/on/off. A test of wills. Finally, when Matthew
turns it on one more time, Erin turns it off, yanks the knob
off the stereo and throws it out the window.

EXT. MASRY & VITITOE PARKING LOT - DAY
The Hyundai pulls into the lot.

INT. HYUNDAI - DAY

Erin parks the car, unclips her seat belt.

ERIN
Wait here.

She gets out.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY

Business as usual. Erin comes in, goes straight to her desk.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN'S DESK - DAY

Erin flips through her "in" box, looking for something in
particular. Doesn't find it. Grrr. She heads off to:

Genres: Drama
Tone: Tender, Reflective, Emotional, Introspective

Summary At a motel, Ed and Erin discuss safety concerns. Erin admits that Ed is one of the few people who doesn't annoy her. George expresses his frustration with Erin's lack of appreciation, resulting in him leaving her. Erin struggles to balance her work and personal life.

Strengths

Authentic emotional portrayal
Character depth and development
Introspective tone

Weaknesses

Limited external conflict
Slow pacing

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear focus or central conflict, making it feel disjointed and lacking in tension.
The dialogue between Erin and George feels forced and melodramatic, lacking in subtlety and nuance.
The emotional beats in the scene are not well-developed, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters' struggles.
The transition from George leaving to Erin driving with her kids is abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the narrative.
The scene could benefit from more visual cues and descriptive details to enhance the atmosphere and emotional impact.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Clarify the central conflict or emotional arc of the scene to give it more depth and resonance.
Refine the dialogue between Erin and George to make it more authentic and emotionally resonant.
Focus on developing the emotional beats and character dynamics to create a more engaging and relatable scene.
Smooth out the transitions between different moments in the scene to improve the flow of the narrative.
Consider adding more visual cues and descriptive details to enhance the atmosphere and emotional impact of the scene.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, JANE'S OFFICE - DAY

Jane is at her desk when Erin comes in.

ERIN
Where's my paycheck?

JANE
Have you been logging on?

ERIN
What?

JANE
I moved payroll onto the computer. It only
knows to process paychecks for employees who
log on in the morning and off at night.

ERIN
(seething)
Now how'm I supposed to do that when I'm not
in here most mornings and nights?

JANE
You're clever. I'm sure you'll think of
something.

Erin glares at her ...

ERIN
I don't believe this --
... then turns and storms out of Jane's office.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY

Ed is on the phone when Erin barges in, rage in her eyes.

ERIN
I want my fucking money --

ED
(into phone)
I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to put you on hold
for just one second here --
(puts the call on
hold, then, to Erin)
Do you mind?

ERIN
(seething)
Yeah, I mind. You bet your ass I mind.

Clearly, she's in a dander he's going to have to deal with.

ED
Oh, Jesus. You wanna tell me what the
problem is here, or --

ERIN
It's my paycheck. Which I earned. Which I
deserve. Which I shouldn't have to beg for.
That fat-ass bitch won't give it to me.

ED
Erin, you're a big girl. If you got a
problem with Jane, work it out for yourself.
I don't have time to deal with --

ERIN
Fuck you. Make time. Cause I bust my ass
for you. I watch everything else in my life
go straight in the toilet, for you. And
what do you do for me? Huh? You see the
way I'm treated around here -- but have you
ever stood up for me once? Have you ever
mentioned to everyone what good work I'm
doing? Have you ever bothered saying, hey,
Erin doesn't get paid the most cause she has
the best tits; she gets paid the most cause
she's the best God damn employee I've ever
had?

ED
Is that what you want?

ERIN
I want my paycheck. By the end of the day.

Ed sighs. Realizes he's going to have to take this on.

ED
I'll see what I can do.

ERIN
You might want to think real hard about the
amount, too. My kids are sitting in the God
damn parking lot right now, cause I still
don't make enough to afford good child care.
Makes me think about looking around for a
job where I'm appreciated, for shit's sake.

She storms out.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT

Erin is standing at the sink, visibly exhausted, trying to do
the dinner dishes with one arm and comfort Beth, who's
CRYING, with the other. Matthew comes in.

MATTHEW
Can I play roller hockey?

ERIN
We'll see.

MATTHEW
When?

The DOORBELL RINGS. Erin goes to get it. Matthew follows

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - NIGHT

Matthew is dogging Erin on this. Beth is still crying.

MATTHEW
Randy's mom said yes right away.

ERIN
(snapping)
Well, God damn it, Matthew -- Randy's mom
doesn't work eighteen-hour days, and Randy's
dad didn't leave her, so figuring out who's
gonna take who where is a little easier over
at Randy's house.
Erin opens the door. A MESSENGER is there.

MESSENGER
Erin Brockovich?

ERIN
Yeah?

MESSENGER
Package from Masry & Vititoe.

He hands her a manila envelope. She signs for the package,
then tears into it as the Messenger heads away.

A CHECK and a SET OF KEYS fall out. She looks at the check.
It's made out for $5,000. A note attached reads "HIRE A
NANNY. AND LOOK OUTSIDE. - E."

Erin looks up and sees A BRAND-NEW CHEVY BLAZER parked on the
curb. She looks at the keys in her hand. Chevy keys. Whoa.

EXT. MASRY & VITITOE, PARKING LOT - DAY

Erin drives up in the Blazer, pulls into a parking space.

Genres: Drama, Legal
Tone: Angry, Frustrated, Defiant, Confrontational, Resentful

Summary Erin confronts her colleagues about her missing paycheck, threatening to quit if the situation isn't resolved. Despite initial resistance, Ed agrees to assist her. While waiting for her paycheck, Erin receives a package containing a substantial check and keys to a new vehicle, providing unexpected compensation for her struggles.

Strengths

Powerful dialogue
Emotional intensity
Character development

Weaknesses

Some repetitive dialogue
Lack of resolution in the scene

General Critique

The scene starts with a strong conflict between Erin and Jane regarding her paycheck, which sets the tone for Erin's frustration and determination.
The dialogue between Erin and Ed is intense and reveals the underlying issues of lack of appreciation and respect in their working relationship.
Erin's emotional outburst and demands for her paycheck highlight the financial struggles she is facing as a single mother trying to make ends meet.
The scene effectively portrays Erin's sense of being undervalued and unappreciated in her workplace, leading to her outburst and demands for recognition.
The visual elements of Erin juggling household chores while dealing with her crying child and the arrival of the messenger with the package add to the intensity of the scene.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider adding more depth to the conflict between Erin and Ed by exploring their relationship dynamics further.
Provide more context on the reasons behind Jane's behavior towards Erin to add layers to the workplace dynamics.
Show more of Erin's internal struggles and emotional turmoil to give the audience a deeper insight into her character.
Consider incorporating moments of vulnerability and reflection for Erin to balance out the intense confrontations in the scene.
Explore the aftermath of Erin's outburst and how it impacts her relationships with her colleagues and family in subsequent scenes.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, LAW LIBRARY - DAY

It's dark. Ed's seated at a table, alone. Erin walks by the
door, then spots him and stops in the doorway.

ERIN
Believe it or not, I would've been satisfied
with just the check.

Ed turns, sees her.

ED
Well, you go threatening to leave, I can't
take any chances. You're the only person
around who understands what I'm doing.
Things come up, I gotta know I got someone
to turn to.

She sits, reading him.

ERIN
What kind of things come up?

ED
Things like the head counsel for PG&E
calling me with an offer.
(beat)
20 million, plus attorney's fees. Take it
or leave it.

ERIN
Whoa. No shit.

ED
It's about 50 thousand per plaintiff.

ERIN
So what are you thinking?

ED
I'm thinking ... I wish someone else had to
make this decision.
(beat)
50 thousand bucks is more than any other
California toxic plaintiff has gotten.
Ever. But ...

ERIN
... but it won't cover Annabelle Daniels's
medical bills.

ED
And it's less than pocket change for PG&E.

ERIN
Do you think we'd do better by going to
trial?

ED
Maybe. but maybe not. We still don't have
anything linking this to PG&E corporate.
Plus, there's the statute problem. Plus,
we're way short on manpower, so we'd need to
bring on more lawyers ...

ERIN
Plus, 40 percent of 20 million's a whole lot
of money.

ED
It's eight million dollars, Erin. Eight
million dollars.

Beat.

ERIN
That's a fucking fortune, Ed. And you know
I'm the last person on Earth to walk away
from a big payday. But you and me didn't
get into this to get rich. We did it cause
we both have this voice in our heads saying,
do the right thing; get these plaintiffs
what they deserve -- the right to live and
die in some kind of comfort and peace. If
50,000 isn't gonna buy that, then we gotta
say no.
(beat)
Trust me. If you don't do the right thing
for these people, getting that 6 million
dollars is gonna feel like shit.

He nods to himself, and looks up at her, his mind made up.

ED
I knew I put up with your bullshit for a
reason.

INT. ERIN'S NEW CAR - DAY

It's raining. They're driving through the tall buildings of
Century City. Ed is full of nervous excitement.

ED
This guy, Erin -- he's got more toxic tort
experience than anyone else in California.
He's huge. And he said yes to me on the
first phone call, right off the bat.
(points to a building)
That's it. The big one. They've got the
top three floors.

INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, RECEPTION - DAY

It feels more like the lobby of a five-star hotel than an
office. Erin and Ed step off the elevator. Erin gawks.

ERIN
Holy shit. Who do they represent, God?

ED
Don't joke. They might. So do me a favor
and behave yourself for once.
(to receptionist)
Ed Masry to see Kurt Potter.

As Ed turns to check his reflection, a YOUNG LAWYER comes
through the reception area. Erin watches him pass, then,
still miffed, calls out to him.

ERIN
Scuse me, sir, you got a real nice ass, you
know that?

The lawyer double-takes on her, then retreats into the
office. Erin turns to Ed, smiles.

ERIN
Oh, I'm sorry. Was that not what you meant
by behaving myself?

INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD RECEPTION AREA - DAY

THERESA DELLAVALLE, 38, junior partner, comes out to greet
them. She's everything Erin isn't: conservative, restrained,
unemotional. And about as sexy as a station wagon.

THERESA
Ed. Good to see you again.

ED
Theresa, hey -- this is Erin Brockovich.

INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD HALLWAY - DAY

Theresa leads Ed and Erin down a long hall of teak desks.
The sound of their footfalls is swallowed up by the plush
carpeting. Occasional ATTORNEYS and PARALEGALS glance at
Erin. She feels their stares.

INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, KURT POTTER'S OFFICE - DAY

Potter is sitting behind his giant desk when Theresa leads Ed
and Erin in.

THERESA
Kurt, Ed Masry's here. And this is Erin
Brockovich, Ed's assistant. Erin, this is
Kurt Potter.

POTTER
(to Ed, with a wink)
Well. Now I know what you meant when you
called her your secret weapon.

Erin gives Ed another look. What the fuck? Ed gives her a
firm look back. Behave.

Genres: Drama, Legal
Tone: Serious, Intense, Emotional, Confrontational

Summary Ed Masry, a lawyer, is faced with a settlement offer from PG&E for $20 million in a toxic tort case. He initially leans towards accepting the offer, but Erin Brockovich, his assistant, convinces him to turn it down because it won't cover the plaintiffs' medical bills and is less than pocket change for PG&E. Ed agrees and decides to bring on additional lawyers to continue fighting the case.

Strengths

Intense emotional conflict
Compelling moral dilemma
Strong character dynamics

Weaknesses

Some dialogue may come off as slightly melodramatic

General Critique

The scene starts with a strong emotional conversation between Ed and Erin, which sets the tone for the rest of the scene. However, the transition to them driving in the rain through Century City feels a bit abrupt and could use a smoother transition.
The dialogue between Ed and Erin is powerful and reveals their conflicting perspectives on the settlement offer. This conflict adds depth to their characters and keeps the scene engaging.
Erin's behavior at Potter, Hughes & Rosewood, while intended to be humorous, comes off as a bit forced and out of character. It detracts from the seriousness of the situation and the tension surrounding the potential deal with the other firm.
The introduction of Theresa DellaValle and Kurt Potter adds new dynamics to the scene, but their interactions with Erin and Ed could be more nuanced to create a more compelling exchange.
The scene ends with a strong sense of anticipation and sets up the next steps in the storyline effectively.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider refining Erin's behavior at Potter, Hughes & Rosewood to align more with her character and the seriousness of the situation. This will help maintain the tone and tension of the scene.
Work on smoother transitions between different locations and moments within the scene to improve the flow and coherence of the storytelling.
Explore deeper interactions between Erin, Ed, Theresa, and Kurt to add layers to their relationships and enhance the dynamics of the scene.
Continue to build on the emotional conflict between Ed and Erin regarding the settlement offer to keep the audience engaged and invested in their decisions.
Consider adding more visual elements or descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and setting of the scene, providing a more immersive experience for the audience.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Potter, Ed, Erin, Theresa and few PARALEGALS are sitting
around the table. As the conversation ping-pongs between Ed
and Potter, Potter completely ignores Erin.
POTTER
When'd they file the demur?

ED
Yesterday.

ERIN
What's a demur?

ED
It's PG&E saying to the judge that we don't
have a case. Their lawyers go --

POTTER
How many counts?

ED
Sixty-nine. We've got good answers to all
of 'em.

ERIN
Counts?

ED
Reasons PG&E thinks it shouldn't go to --

POTTER
Who's the judge?

ED
Corey.

POTTER
Good.

ERIN
Why good?

ED
He's got a reputation for doing all his --

POTTER
How long's he gonna take?

Erin's starting to steam at Potter. Theresa sees it brewing,
tries to intercede.

THERESA
You know what? Why don't I take Erin down
the hall, so we can start in on this stuff?

Erin notices all her files in stacks against the wall.
ERIN
Hey -- those are my files --

THERESA
Yeah, we had them couriered over. And
listen, good work. They're a great start.
We're just going to have to spend a little
time filling in the holes in your research.

Okay, these people are starting to piss her off.

ERIN
Excuse me -- Theresa, was it? There are no
holes in my research.

THERESA
No offense. There are just some things we
need that you probably didn't know to ask.

ERIN
Don't talk to me like I'm an idiot, okay? I
may not have a law degree, but I've spent 18
months on this case, and I know more about
those plaintiffs than you ever will.

THERESA
Erin. You don't even have phone numbers for
some of them.

ERIN
Whose number do you need?

THERESA
Everyone's. This is a lawsuit. We need to
be able to contact the plaintiffs.

ERIN
I said, whose number do you need?

THERESA
You don't know six hundreds plaintiffs'
numbers by heart.

Erin just stares at her. Theresa sighs, reluctantly glances
down at a file.

THERESA
Annabelle Daniels.

ERIN
Annabelle Daniels. 714-454-9346.
As Theresa starts to write it down:

ERIN
10 years old, 11 in May. Lived on the plume
since birth. Wanted to be a synchronized
swimmer, so she spent every minute she could
in the PG&E pool. She had a tumor in her
brain stem detected last November, had an
operation on Thanksgiving, shrunk it with
radiation after that. Her parents are Rita
and Ted. Ted's got Chron's disease, and
Rita has chronic headaches and nausea and
underwent a hysterectomy last fall. Ted
grew up in Hinkley. His brother Robbie and
his wife May and their five kids Robbie,
Jr., Martha, Ed, Rose, and Peter lived on
the plume too. Their number's 454-9445.
You want their diseases?

Beat. Erin glares at Theresa, indignant.

THERESA
Okay, look -- I think we got off on the
wrong foot here --

ERIN
That's all you got, lady. Two wrong feet.
In fucking ugly shoes.

INT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT

It's still raining. Erin is following Ed to the car. He's
furious.

ERIN
She insulted me!

ED
Bullshit. It was a misunderstanding. But
instead of handling it politely, instead of
treating her with respect --

ERIN
Why the fuck should I respect her?

Ed stops in his tracks, furious. He glares at her.

ED
Because that's how people treat each other!

ERIN
Not in my world.

ED
Gee, I wonder why.

On that, he gets in his car, slams the door, and drives off,
leaving her standing alone in the pouring rain.

ERIN
Hey! You're my ride!

INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, HALLWAY - DAY

Potter and Ed are walking down the hallway, mid-conversation.
A FEW PARALEGALS follow them with files.

POTTER
I've also been thinking about the team.
Responsibilities, who should cover what --

ED
Right.

POTTER
I think we should makes some changes.

EXT. LINWOOD'S DAIRY - DAY

Bob Linwood is in his barn, mucking it out. Theresa is at
the edge of the property, trying unsuccessfully to get his
attention by yelling and waving her arms. In her expensive
shoes, she's stopped short of the cow patty minefield.

INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

CLOSE ON A CLIENT FILE as a hand fills in a phone number.

WIDEN TO SEE Erin seated with a PARALEGAL, rattling off facts
and numbers from memory. She's seized by a COUGHING FIT.

Genres: Legal Drama, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Confrontational, Defiant, Intense

Summary In a tense conference room meeting, Erin faces criticism from both Theresa and Ed regarding her research. Theresa questions Erin's accuracy, sparking an angry confrontation. Ed intervenes, criticizing Erin's attitude. Potter and Ed discuss potential team changes. Despite Theresa's attempts to get Bob Linwood's attention, her efforts go unnoticed. Erin demonstrates her impressive memory by rattling off facts and numbers. The scene ends with Erin alone in the conference room, feeling isolated and disrespected.

Strengths

Sharp dialogue
Intense conflict
Character development
Plot advancement

Weaknesses

Potential for more emotional depth
Some repetitive dialogue

General Critique

The scene lacks clear direction and focus, with multiple conversations happening simultaneously without a clear central conflict or resolution.
Erin's outburst towards Theresa feels forced and melodramatic, lacking subtlety and nuance in her confrontation.
The dialogue between Erin and Theresa comes off as overly dramatic and unrealistic, with Erin reciting detailed personal information about the plaintiffs in a way that feels contrived.
The interaction between Ed and Erin in the parking lot feels abrupt and lacks emotional depth, making it difficult for the audience to connect with their relationship dynamics.
The transition to the hallway scene with Potter and Ed discussing team changes feels disjointed and doesn't flow smoothly from the previous interactions.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Focus on establishing a clear central conflict in the scene that drives the character interactions and dialogue.
Tone down Erin's confrontation with Theresa to make it more realistic and grounded in the context of the story.
Add more depth and emotional complexity to the interaction between Ed and Erin in the parking lot to make their relationship dynamics more engaging.
Ensure smooth transitions between different scenes and conversations to maintain a cohesive narrative flow.
Consider revising the dialogue to make it more natural and authentic, avoiding overly dramatic or contrived moments.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

EXT. LINWOOD DAIRY - DAY

Theresa still hasn't gotten Linwood's attention. Finally,
rather than ruin her shoes, she picks up a stone and tosses
it at the barn. It hits the window and BREAKS IT.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN AND BRENDA'S DESKS - DAY

Erin's desk is empty: no Erin, no files, nothing. Ed comes
out of his office and hands Brenda a STACK OF DOCUMENTS.

CLOSE ON THE FAX LED
Brenda types in the number. The recipient's I.D. comes up
again, only this time it says: POTTER, HUGHES, ROSEWOOD.

INT. POTTER, HUGHES, ROSEWOOD, HALLWAY - ANOTHER DAY

A SECRETARY carries the documents to Potter's office. On the
way, she passes THE CONFERENCE ROOM. Inside, Erin is still
dictating to the PARALEGAL. She's shivery with fever now.
The floor around her is littered with tissues.

INT. DANIELS' HOUSE - DAY

Theresa is talking to Rita and Ted Daniels. Annabelle is
curled up on the sofa, wrapped up in a blanket. Rita and Ted
notice that Theresa doesn't even look at Annabelle.

INT. ERIN'S APARTMENT, KITCHEN - DAY

Erin is lying in bed, home sick, talking on the phone. She's
talking over the noise of TANIA, her 20-something Eastern
European nanny, vacuuming the hall.

ERIN
I know she isn't real warm, but they say
she's a real good lawyer ...

INTERCUT WITH

INT. DANIELS' HOUSE - DAY

Ted Daniels is on the phone. Rita is next to him.

TED
That may be. But I don't want her coming to
the house again. She's kinda stuck-up, and
she upsets Annabelle. Now, I hate to say
this, but when she left today, Rita asked if
we should get a new lawyer.

ERIN
Ted, no -- don't do that. If you don't like
Theresa, you don't have to work with her.
Me and Ed are still here for you.

TED
I called Ed two days ago, Erin, and he still
hasn't called me back.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, BRENDA'S DESK - DAY

The phone rings. Brenda picks up.
BRENDA
Ed Masry's office ... Sorry, he can't be
interrupted.

INTERCUT WITH Erin at home, still in bed, so irritated.

ERIN
Don't be a pain in the ass, okay, Brenda?
Just put him on.

BRENDA
(with finality)
I said, he can't be interrupted.

Erin hangs up. Then, with a groan, she pulls her weary body
out of bed.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION - DAY

Erin drags herself into the office.

ROSALIND
Hey, Erin, I thought you were taking a sick
day.

ERIN
So did I.

She heads toward Ed's office, but stops when she sees a
meeting in progress in the conference room. Ed is on the
side of the table facing her, flanked by Potter and Theresa.
On the other side of the table, are FOUR SUITED BACKS.

ERIN
What's going on in there?

ROSALIND
Some meeting. With PG&E people.

ERIN
PG& -- Are you sure?

ROSALIND
Yup. They must be important, too, cause
they came on a special plane.

Erin feels this like a sock in the gut. She stares at the
meeting, stunned.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
This band of PG&E lawyers is the oldest and most impressive
of all. Ed, Potter, and Theresa are listening to the most
senior PG&E lawyer, MR. CORBIN, talk.

CORBIN
... we would enter into binding arbitration
-- judge, no jury -- with a settlement to be
between 50 and 400 million dollars.

Ed and Potter hear this and think about it.

POTTER
Any preconditions on the settlements?

CORBIN
The plaintiffs have to agree to it
unanimously. And they're barred from ever
discussing their settlement with anyone.

ED
50-400 million dollars isn't a whole hell of
a lot of money for your company, Mr. Corbin.

HEAD COUNSEL
50-400 million dollars is a great deal of
money for your plaintiffs, Mr. Masry.

As Ed mulls this, he sees, beyond Mr. Corbin,

ERIN

staring at him from the other side of the glass wall, her
face cold with hurt and anger.

ED
Could I -- just take a brief break here for
a moment? I'll be right back.

He gets up and goes out into:

Genres: Drama, Legal
Tone: Tense, Emotional, Serious

Summary Theresa resorts to breaking a window to get Linwood's attention. Brenda sends confidential documents to key individuals. Erin, feeling sick at home, overhears Ed meeting with PG&E lawyers, causing hurt and anger. Ed, noticing Erin through the glass, temporarily leaves the meeting to address her.

Strengths

Tension-building
Emotional depth
Character development

Weaknesses

Some repetitive dialogue
Lack of visual description

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear transition between the different locations, making it feel disjointed and confusing for the audience.
There is a lack of emotional depth in Erin's interactions with the other characters, particularly when she is sick at home and on the phone with Ted Daniels.
The dialogue between Erin and Ted Daniels feels forced and lacks authenticity, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
The tension between Erin and Theresa is not effectively conveyed, resulting in a lack of impact during their confrontation.
The visual descriptions are minimal and do not effectively set the scene or create a vivid picture for the audience.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider adding more descriptive details to set the scene and create a more immersive experience for the audience.
Work on developing the emotional depth of the characters, particularly in moments of conflict or confrontation.
Focus on improving the dialogue to make it more authentic and engaging for the audience.
Ensure a smoother transition between different locations to maintain the flow of the scene.
Enhance the tension between characters, especially during confrontational moments, to create a more impactful and engaging scene.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY

Ed comes out. Erin's so angry she can barely breathe.

ERIN
If you tell me to relax, I'm gonna kick your
fucking head off --

ED
Erin, it's just a meeting.

ERIN
People don't fly down in their own god damn
plane for "just a meeting" --

ED
Look, you said you weren't feeling great. I
thought you should rest.

ERIN
Bullshit. You'd drag me off my deathbed if
it suited you.

ED
Okay, look. It's an important meeting.
Kurt thought, if it was just lawyers --

ERIN
Kurt thought? What about you? Do you think
anymore?

He resists being dragged into an knock-down, drag-out fight.

ED
Look, this is serious now. They're talking
serious money --

ERIN
And, what, I'm not serious?

ED
You're emotional. You're erratic. You say
any God damn thing that comes into your
head. And I'm not saying that's bad. That
can be great; that can be a lot of fun --

ERIN
"Fun?" Jesus, "fun?" I kill myself for a
year and a half, hand you the best case of
your life on a God damn silver platter,
remind you of why you became a lawyer in the
first place, and you think of me as "fun?"

ED
Okay, now you're making this personal, and
it isn't --

ERIN
Not personal? That's my work in there, Ed.
My sweat, my labor, my time. If that's not
personal, I don't know what is.

She starts to COUGH and CRUMBLE, but fights it.
ERIN
(weakened)
How dare you take that away from me.

ED
No one's taking anything --

ERIN
Bullshit. You stuck me in Siberia dictating
to some God damn steno clerk so you could
finish this thing without me. After all
I've done for you, that's the thanks I get.

By now the entire office is watching. As are the lawyers in
the conference room.

ED
Don't give me that. You've gotten plenty.
You've been well-paid; you've gotten lots of
perks ...

ERIN
Perks? Jesus -- perks?

Erin reaches into her bag, pulls out her cel phone.

ERIN
If this piece of shit is supposed to take
the place of your respect, you can take it
and shove it up your ass.

She throws it at him and storms away. The phone hits the
glass wall of the conference room, CRACKING it. Ed just
stands there, with the lawyers staring at him through the
splintered glass wall.

EXT. MASRY & VITITOE PARKING LOT - DAY

Erin gets to her car. As she opens the door, the ALARM
SOUNDS. She fumbles with her keychain, trying to turn it
off, but she's too sick and upset to figure it out. With the
siren still blaring, she kicks at the car in rage.

INT. ERIN'S CAR - NIGHT

Erin's driving home. As she turns onto her street, her
headlights wash across the sidewalk and illuminate a small
boy, wearing a backpack, walking the other way.

ERIN
Holy shit --
She looks over her shoulder, but the sidewalk is too dark.
She pulls a U-turn in the middle of the street. A CAR HONKS.

Erin scans the sidewalk, finally sees him again. Holy shit,
is right. It's Matthew, wandering the streets at night.

ERIN
Matthew --

She pulls ahead of Matthew and bumps up onto the sidewalk,
blocking his path. When he sees her car, he turns and runs
the other way. Erin leaps out and follows him.

ERIN
Matthew! MATTHEW!

She catches up and collars him.

ERIN
God damn it, Matthew. What the hell are you
doing out here?

MATTHEW
I'm gonna go live with George.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

MUSIC is playing. TANIA is on the phone. The receiver is
yanked from her hand. She turns to see Erin hovering over
her, barely containing herself.

ERIN
If you leave here real fast, I might not
kill you.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MATTHEW AND KATIE'S ROOM - NIGHT

Matthew's in his bed, facing the wall. Erin sitting on the
foot of his bed, near tears. Katie's watching from her bed.

ERIN
We'll work out the roller hockey thing,
okay? Whatever you want, we'll work it out.
I promise.

MATTHEW
You always say that. Then you go to work
and forget you promised.

ERIN
I never forget, honey. I try, real hard.
It's just, for some reason, I don't seem to
be able to organize things right and -- when
it comes to you guys, I end up falling
short.

MATTHEW
You never fall short for the work people. I
guess maybe you just love them more.

ERIN
Oh, God, sweetheart, no. There's nothing on
Earth I love more than you. Nothing.
(beat)
I promise.

She lays her hand on his shoulder, but he shrugs it off and
inches away from her.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, HALLWAY - NIGHT

Erin comes out of the bedroom. As she turns to close the
door, she collapses to the floor in a heap. Out cold.

INT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT

A busy Southland ER. George bursts through the doors with
Katie, Matthew and Beth in tow. He goes up to the desk.

GEORGE
I'm looking for Erin Brockovich. They
brought her in in an ambulance?

Genres: Drama, Legal
Tone: Angry, Emotional, Intense, Confrontational

Summary Erin confronts Ed for excluding her from a meeting, leading to an outburst. Later, she finds her son wandering the streets and struggles to resolve their conflict. Overcome by exhaustion and stress, Erin is admitted to the hospital after collapsing.

Strengths

Intense emotional conflict
Sharp dialogue
Character depth and development

Weaknesses

Some cliched moments
Slightly predictable dynamics

General Critique

The scene is filled with intense emotions and conflict between Erin and Ed, which is engaging for the audience.
The dialogue is powerful and reveals the deep-seated frustrations and resentments between the characters.
The physical actions of throwing the phone and the subsequent cracking of the glass wall add a dramatic element to the scene.
The scene effectively portrays Erin's emotional turmoil and her struggle to balance work and personal life.
The introduction of Matthew wandering the streets adds a layer of tension and concern for Erin's family dynamics.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider adding more internal thoughts or reflections from Erin to provide insight into her emotional state.
Explore the aftermath of the confrontation between Erin and Ed to show the impact on their working relationship.
Include a resolution or closure to the conflict with Matthew to provide a sense of completion to that storyline.
Consider incorporating more visual cues or actions to enhance the intensity of the scene.
Ensure that the emotional beats and character motivations are clear and consistent throughout the scene.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. ER WAITING AREA - DAY

The kids are waiting. George is talking to a DOCTOR.

GEORGE
Meningitis? What the hell is meningitis?

DOCTOR
It's an inflammation of the spinal cord and
part of the brain.

GEORGE
Jesus.

DOCTOR
She must be a tough cookie, cause it's a
pretty advanced case. I'd say she's been
walking around with it for a few weeks now.

GEORGE
How does someone get meningitis?
DOCTOR
Usually, in adults, it's from exposure to
bacteria or a virus or ...

GEORGE
... or lemme guess -- toxic waste?

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE ERIN'S HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

Matt and Katie sit on the cheap plastic chairs outside the
room. Katie is holding Beth, who's sleeping.

GEORGE (O.S.)
They can stay at my place till you go home.

INT. ERIN'S HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

Erin's in bed, hooked up to an IV, looking exhausted. All
untouched food tray is beside her bed. George is standing
across the room from her, arms crossed tight across his
chest, keeping his distance.

ERIN
They said that'd be tomorrow. They just
wanna keep an eye on me another night.

GEORGE
Fine. I'll drop 'em off tomorrow afternoon.

A moment of thick silence.

ERIN
Thank you.

GEORGE
(giving nothing)
Mm-hm.

As she watches him reach for his motorcycle helmet, to leave,
she's hit with a wave of regret.

ERIN
George, hang on.
(he pauses)
Look ... I'm sorry. I just --

There's a KNOCK at the door, and Ed enters. George looks at
him. Not interested in her apologies.

GEORGE
I'll drop 'em by tomorrow.
And Erin watches George leave the room, then turns to Ed.

ERIN
If you're here to fire me, your timing's
lousy.

ED
I'm not gonna fire you.
(beat)
I wanted to. But then you got sick, and
that woulda made me look like a shit.
(serious)
You embarrassed me, Erin.

ERIN
I know. I'm sorry.
(beat)
Do I get to hear what happened anyway?

Genres: Drama
Tone: Serious, Tense, Regretful

Summary George learns that Erin has meningitis and is concerned about her health. He is angry with her for not telling him about her illness and suspects that it is due to toxic waste exposure. Matt and Katie are waiting outside Erin's hospital room with Beth, and George tells them that they can stay at his place until Erin goes home. Erin is in bed, hooked up to an IV, looking exhausted. She apologizes to George for her behavior, but he is not interested in her apologies. He leaves the room, and Erin is left alone with Ed. Ed tells Erin that he is not going to fire her, but he is disappointed in her. Erin is relieved, but she is also embarrassed and ashamed.

Strengths

Emotional depth
Authentic character interactions
Tension-filled dialogue

Weaknesses

Lack of resolution in character conflicts
Limited external action

General Critique

The scene lacks emotional depth and intensity considering the gravity of Erin's illness and the tension between characters.
The dialogue between George and the doctor feels somewhat forced and lacks authenticity in portraying the seriousness of Erin's condition.
There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into George's reaction to Erin's diagnosis and his emotional turmoil.
The interaction between George and the doctor could be more impactful by exploring George's feelings and fears about Erin's health.
The transition between the hospital waiting area, hallway, and Erin's room feels disjointed and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Enhance the dialogue between George and the doctor to reflect the gravity of Erin's illness and George's emotional response.
Add more layers to George's character by exploring his internal struggles and fears about Erin's condition.
Consider incorporating non-verbal cues and body language to convey the tension and emotions between George, Erin, and Ed in a more nuanced way.
Focus on building the emotional intensity of the scene to create a more impactful and engaging moment for the audience.
Work on the pacing and transitions between different locations within the hospital to maintain a seamless flow and enhance the overall coherence of the scene.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. ERIN'S HOSPITAL ROOM - LATER

Ed has taken off his coat and pulled a chair up next to
Erin's bed. He's eating the pudding off her tray.

ERIN
Between 50 and 400 million, definitely?

ED
Uh-huh.

ERIN
And if you had to guess ...

ED
With nothing linking it to the corporate
offices yet, I'd say we'll end up on the
lower end of that. Still a lot of money.

ERIN
So why would PG&E offer it?

ED
Because. They know the evidence; they know
they're gonna lose a jury trial. Maybe they
wouldn't lose 400 million bucks, but once
you factor in all they'd spend on this case
in the next ten years, it makes a lot of --

ERIN
Wait, what do you mean, ten years?
ED
Five years, maybe, for a trial. Double that
for the appeal.

ERIN
(confused)
I'm sorry, are you saying that if this thing
goes to trial, it'll be ten years before
these plaintiffs see their money?

ED
Hey, that's not so bad. Compare it to the
Love Canal -- that was twenty years ago, and
those people still haven't seen a dime. So
in legal terms, ten years is --

ERIN
Fuck legal terms. We're talking about human
beings here. Sick people. A whole bunch of
them are gonna be dead in ten years. They
need their money now!
(beat)
We gotta get 'em to agree to the
arbitration, Ed. We gotta get every damn
one of those plaintiffs to --

ED
I know. We're having a meeting, it's all
set up --

ERIN
When? Where?

ED
Tuesday at seven, at the Hinkley firehouse.

ERIN
Okay, good. I think I should be the one to
tell 'em, cause they trust me more than --

ED
You're not gonna be there.

ERIN
The fuck I'm not. I don't care what the
doctor says --

ED
This isn't doctor's orders. It's mine. I'm
saying you can't come.

ERIN
Why not?

ED
Because Kurt doesn't want to work with you.
He thinks you're a loose cannon.

ERIN
Fuck Kurt.

ED
Erin --

ERIN
No, I'm serious. You know what Kurt Potter
is? He's the kind of guy who never would
have taken this case in the first place.
He's the kind of guy who would have sold
these plaintiffs down the river when PG&E
offered 20 million. He doesn't work like
us, Ed. There's no little voice in his head
telling him to do the right thing.

But his mind's made up. He stands to leave.

ED
Don't come, Erin. I mean it. If you do,
I'm gonna have to fire you.
(beat)
Just ... concentrate on getting well.

EXT. HINKLEY FIREHOUSE - NIGHT

The parking lot is empty, except for three Mercedes. Ed,
Potter, and Theresa are in the doorway, going over their
notes. A TRUCK pulls into the lot.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MAIN ROOM - NIGHT

Katie and Matt are watching TV. Beth is playing near them.
Behind them, Erin is lying on the couch, under a blanket,
distractedly trying to watch TV. She checks her watch.

EXT. HINKLEY FIREHOUSE - NIGHT

The lot is filling with more cars and trucks; headlights
criss-cross each other as people pull in from all directions.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Erin's sitting up now, jiggling her knee, unable to sit
still. She checks her watch again. 6:30. She can't take
it. She throws off the blanket and gets up.
ERIN
Come on, kids, we're going for a ride.

INT. HINKLEY FIREHOUSE - NIGHT

CLOSE ON HANDS. As people stream in, they are each handed a
release form with a space for a signature on the bottom.

INT. HINKLEY FIREHOUSE - LATER

It's sweltering. The room, packed with plaintiffs, hums with
horse flies and tension. People are fanning themselves with
the release forms. Potter's addressing them from a raised
platform. Ed, Theresa, and Andrew are seated behind him.

POTTER
Binding arbitration isn't all that different
from a trial. It's overseen by a judge.
Evidence is presented in much the same way.

EXT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT

One more car pulls into the lot. It's Erin's Chevy.

INT. ERIN'S CAR - NIGHT

Erin unbuckles her seat belt.

ERIN
Stay in the car, babies, I won't be long.

EXT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT

Erin gets out of the car, looks around, then goes over to a
window and looks in at the packed meeting.

PLAINTIFF (O.S.)
And then a jury decides?

POTTER (O.S.)
No, sorry, I should have mentioned that.
There's no jury in binding arbitration. No
jury, and no appeal.

She climbs up on an old wagon for a better view.

BOB LINWOOD (O.S.)
No appeal? So what are our options if we
don't like the result?

POTTER (O.S.)
Well -- you have none. The judge's decision
is final. But I really don't anticipate
that as a problem.

Genres: Drama, Legal
Tone: Tense, Emotional, Confrontational

Summary Ed and Erin discuss the PG&E case and the possibility of binding arbitration. Erin is eager to represent the plaintiffs, but Ed warns her against it. She defies his orders and attends the meeting, where she witnesses Kurt Potter's presentation on arbitration. Erin's frustration and determination to fight for her clients drives her to challenge the process.

Strengths

Intense emotional portrayal
Realistic dialogue
High stakes and conflict

Weaknesses

Some repetitive dialogue

General Critique

The scene is filled with tension and conflict between Erin and Ed, adding depth to their relationship and the stakes of the situation.
The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the characters' motivations and emotions effectively.
The scene effectively conveys Erin's sense of urgency and determination to fight for the plaintiffs' rights, despite the obstacles she faces.
The conflict between Erin and Ed adds layers to their characters and sets up a compelling dynamic for future developments.
The scene effectively sets up the upcoming meeting and the potential consequences of Erin's actions.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider adding more visual cues to enhance the tension and emotions in the scene, such as close-ups of the characters' faces or body language.
Explore the internal thoughts and feelings of the characters through inner monologues or reflections to deepen the audience's connection to their struggles.
Consider adding a moment of vulnerability or introspection for both Erin and Ed to showcase their internal conflicts and growth.
Experiment with different pacing techniques to build suspense and anticipation leading up to the meeting at the firehouse.
Consider incorporating subtle foreshadowing or hints about the potential outcomes of the meeting to keep the audience engaged and guessing.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT

Now, in addition to the stifling heat, the large room is
thick with mistrust. People are shifting in their seats,
whispering to each other.

TOM BROWN
You don't even know what it's gonna be; how
do you know we're gonna like it?

Agreeing MURMURS ripple through the crowd.

POTTER
As I said before, it will definitely be
somewhere between 50 and 400 million
dollars.

MANDY BROWN
Which? There's a big difference there.

POTTER
I wouldn't want to speculate at this point.

MANDY BROWN
Ed -- what do you think it'll be?

Potter turns around and looks at Ed seated behind him.

ED
I think ... Kurt's right. We shouldn't
speculate.

MANDY BROWN
So then, what, that mystery number's divided
up at the whim of some judge --

POTTER
Judges don't make decisions based on whim,
ma'am. They make them based on precedent
and evidence.

The GRUMBLE of discontent has overtaken the room. More
whispering, more movement.

EXT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT

Erin watches the meeting fall apart. It's driving her crazy.
ERIN
Fucking idiot --

INT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT

Potter sees he's losing them, too. Tries to gain control.

POTTER
Look. Everyone. Is this a big decision?
Absolutely. But I do believe that if you
put a little faith in the system, you'll be
quite pleased with the outcome.

Ted Daniels gets up from his seat.

TED DANIELS
Mr. Potter, if you knew me from Adam, you'd
know that being pleased isn't an option for
me anymore. Now don't take this personally,
sir, but I've never seen you before in my
life. I'm not about to put my faith in
anything just cause you tell me to.

He drops his agreement form, unsigned, then takes Rita's hand
and heads for the door.

EXT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT

Meeting's over. The plaintiffs stream out of the firehouse.
Cars start up, headlights flick on. People pull away.

INT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT

Everyone has left. Erin enters and looks around. The floor
is littered with rejected, unsigned release forms.

She thinks for a moment, then gets an idea. She picks up a
release form, and leaves the firehouse.

EXT. MINI MALL - NIGHT

Everything's closed, except the KINKO'S store at the far end.
Erin's truck pulls into the parking lot.

INT. KINKO'S - NIGHT

A BORED EMPLOYEE is at the register, painting with Wite-Out
on a blue piece of paper. Erin enters, dragging her kids.

ERIN
Can I have one of those counter thingies,
please?
The Employee gives it to her. Erin crosses to the copiers.
She slips the release form into one, then taps in the number
of copies: 635. Presses "START." The machine WHIRS to life.

EXT. HINKLEY MOTEL - NIGHT

Erin's Chevy pulls into the parking lot.

MATTHEW (O.S.)
I don't want to stay here. It smells.

INT. HINKLEY MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Erin is entering the crappy motel room with her kids.

ERIN
We got no choice. I'm not gonna make it
home tonight. Now go wash up and climb into
bed.

As the kids wander toward the bathroom, Erin picks up the
phone and dials. RING, RING.

GEORGE (O.S.)
Hello?

ERIN
Hi. It's me.
(silence)
I got a favor to ask you.

GEORGE (O.S.)
I don't do favors for you anymore.

ERIN
It's not for me; it's for my kids. You're
the only one I trust them with.

EXT. HINKLEY MOTEL - DAY

Very early. Erin is visible in the motel office, talking to
the clerk, when George's motorcycle pulls into the lot. She
turns around and sees him pulling up next to her Chevy.

Genres: Drama, Legal, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Angry, Frustrated, Defiant, Determined

Summary In a contentious meeting at the firehouse, feelings of mistrust and uncertainty pervade the atmosphere as the plaintiffs discuss the potential settlement amount. Erin's growing frustration leads her to take matters into her own hands, distributing copies of the release form to the plaintiffs, causing them to leave the meeting unsigned. Amidst the chaos, Erin seeks help from her ex-husband George, calling him to look after their children as she deals with the fallout from her bold move.

Strengths

Intense conflict
Emotional depth
Character development
Plot advancement

Weaknesses

Some characters' motivations could be further explored
Dialogue could be more nuanced

General Critique

The scene effectively conveys the tension and mistrust among the plaintiffs as they discuss the potential settlement amount offered by PG&E.
The dialogue between the characters, especially Mandy Brown and Potter, adds depth to the conflict and highlights the uncertainty surrounding the settlement.
Erin's frustration and determination to take matters into her own hands are well portrayed, showing her strong-willed nature and commitment to the case.
The visual elements, such as Erin watching the meeting fall apart and the floor littered with unsigned release forms, enhance the atmosphere of the scene.
The interaction between Ted Daniels and Potter adds a layer of skepticism and defiance, further intensifying the conflict within the group of plaintiffs.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider adding more internal conflict for Erin to showcase her inner turmoil and the weight of the decisions she is making.
Explore the dynamics between the plaintiffs further to highlight their individual motivations and concerns about the settlement.
Introduce more non-verbal cues or actions to enhance the emotional impact of the scene and deepen the characterization of the individuals involved.
Provide a clearer resolution or cliffhanger at the end of the scene to keep the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.
Consider incorporating a moment of reflection or introspection for Erin to delve into her motivations and the personal stakes involved in the case.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

EXT. ERIN'S MOTEL ROOM - DAY

Erin comes up to him, hands him a key.

ERIN
I got you your own room.
He takes it, glances toward the motel room.

GEORGE
They up?

ERIN
Hunh-uh. Not yet.
(awkward beat)
Look, don't take any of 'em on your bike,
okay? Call a cab if you wanna go somewhere.

She hands him a wad of cash.

GEORGE
How long's this whole thing gonna take?

ERIN
I don't know. Few days.
(beat)
Thanks for helping me. I appreciate it.

He nods. She gets into her car. Before closing the door,
she turns back to him.

ERIN
And I miss you.

GEORGE
Yeah, well -- good help is hard to find.

She sees how mad she's made him. Takes a beat.

ERIN
I treated you real bad, George. I know
that. But, my problem was -- I never been
with anyone who deserved better than that.
You're the first nice guy who ever liked me.

George softens, shifts. He steps toward the truck and gently
closes her door, so he's standing close to her.

ERIN
I just ... didn't know how to handle it.
That's all.

He thinks about this. Finally:

GEORGE
Think you could learn?

ERIN
(with a smile)
You know me. I pick things up real fast.

He smiles back at her, nods, then tenderly brushes a piece of
hair out of her eyes.

GEORGE
You shouldn't be driving around, you know.
You're sick.

ERIN
Yeah, but I'm gonna get better. A lot of
these folks aren't.

He nods, understanding. Then he taps the side of her truck
and turns toward the motel room. She puts the truck in gear
and pulls out.

EXT. HINKLEY, COMMUNITY BOULEVARD - DAY

Erin's Chevy is bombing down the road.

INT. ERIN'S CAR, BACK SEAT - DAY

There are two boxes there -- one full of unsigned release
forms, the other empty.

EXT. DONNA'S NEW HOUSE - DAY

Donna's gardening out front, her head wrapped in a scarf to
cover her chemo-thinning hair, when Erin's Chevy pulls into
the driveway. Erin gets out, goes to the back of the truck,
gets two of the release forms, then heads over to Donna.

INT. DONNA'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY

Erin is sitting with Pete and Donna.

DONNA
I don't know, Erin -- the way he was talking
to us, telling us everything was gonna be
fine -- I just didn't trust him.

PETE
And after all we been through -- no jury, no
appeal. It just makes me nervous.

ERIN
I understand all that. And I don't wanna
force you into anything. If you don't want
to sign, that's fine. But why don't we talk
it over a little, cause I'd sure hate for
you to turn this down for the wrong reasons.
EXT. DONNA'S HOUSE - DAY

The door opens. Erin emerges, holding two signed agreements.
Donna is letting her out.

ERIN
You wouldn't happen to have a little time
right now, would you, Donna?

DONNA
For what?

ERIN
Well, I was gonna head over to the Browns
now. I was thinking -- Mandy really values
your opinion ...

INT. MANDY'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY

Erin, Donna, Mandy, and Tom are seated on the sofas. Mandy
signs an agreement. Hands the pen to Tom, who also signs.

EXT. LINWOODS' HOUSE - DAY

From outside, we see Erin at the kitchen table with Donna and
Bob and Ruth Linwood, who are listening intently.

INT. DESOTOS' HOUSE - DAY

Erin and Donna are leaving, saying good-bye to Mary DeSoto.
Erin has a signed release form in her hand.

INT. THE BACK OF ERIN'S CAR - DAY

DISCO blares. The two boxes. The formerly empty one now has
a small stack of signed release forms in it. The top one has
Bob Linwood's signature.

IN THE FRONT SEAT

Erin is driving, eating a hamburger, and going over her list
of plaintiffs.

EXT. HINKLEY MART - EVENING

People are going about their shopping. Rita Daniels is
stopped, talking with A FEW MORE PLAINTIFFS.

RITA
I thought so, too, but Erin says a trial's
gonna take years
INT. THE BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - NIGHT

The signed stack has grown; the unsigned stack has shrunk.
Erin drops five more agreements into the "signed" box.

INT. ERIN'S MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

In the wee hours. While her kids sleep, Erin sits at the
cheap motel room table, going through her forms, organizing,
alphabetizing.

Genres: Drama
Tone: Tense, Reflective, Emotional, Intimate

Summary Erin provides George with his own motel room and expresses her appreciation for his help. George becomes concerned about the timeline of events, but Erin assures him it will only take a few days. Erin apologizes for mistreating George, admitting that he is the first kind person to show interest in her. George suggests that she could potentially improve her behavior, and Erin replies that she is quick to learn. The scene shifts to Erin collecting signed release forms from various individuals, including Donna, Mandy, Tom, Bob, Ruth Linwood, and Mary DeSoto. The scene concludes with Erin organizing the forms in her motel room late at night.

Strengths

Character development
Tension building
Emotional depth

Weaknesses

Some repetitive dialogue
Lack of visual variety in setting

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear focus and purpose, jumping between different locations and interactions without a cohesive thread.
The dialogue feels forced and lacks depth, with characters expressing emotions and thoughts in a superficial manner.
The emotional moments between Erin and George feel rushed and underdeveloped, lacking the necessary build-up and authenticity.
The scene lacks subtlety in conveying emotions and character dynamics, relying on overt dialogue and actions.
There is a lack of visual storytelling and depth in the scene, with a heavy emphasis on dialogue to convey emotions and plot points.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Focus on developing a central conflict or theme for the scene to give it a clear direction and purpose.
Work on creating more nuanced and authentic dialogue that reflects the characters' emotions and relationships.
Build up the emotional moments between Erin and George with more subtlety and depth, allowing the audience to feel the connection between them.
Incorporate more visual storytelling elements to enhance the emotional impact of the scene and create a more immersive experience for the audience.
Consider restructuring the scene to flow more smoothly and cohesively, allowing for a more engaging and impactful narrative.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. ERIN'S MOTEL ROOM - DAY

CLOSE ON ERIN, fast asleep at the table, her face pressed
against the linoleum. There's some NOISE in the room,
WHISPERING. Erin stirs and looks around to see George behind
her, diapering Beth, while Matt and Katie put their shoes on.

ERIN
What time is it?

GEORGE
Real early. We're just gonna take your car
to get some breakfast.

Erin forces herself awake.

ERIN
No, I need my car --

GEORGE
We'll just be a minute. Get a little more
sleep.

He picks up Beth, takes Katie's hand, and calls across the
room to Matthew.

GEORGE
C'mon, pal. Leave that alone, we gotta go.

Erin turns to see Matthew holding one of her release forms.

ERIN
Oh, baby, please don't play with that, okay?
I got 'em all organized. Just put it back.

But he's reading it. And something has caught his attention.
He looks up at Erin.

MATTHEW
This girl's the same age as me.
Erin gently takes the form away from Matthew, wanting to
shield him from the harsh realities of this case.

ERIN
That's right, sweetheart.

She replaces the form on top of the stack.

MATTHEW
She's one of the sick people?

ERIN
Yeah. She is.
(beat)
But you know what? That's why I'm helping
her. So she can get some medicine to make
her feel better.

Matthew mulls this over a bit more.

MATTHEW
How come her own mom isn't helping her?

ERIN
Cause her own mom's real sick, too.

Matthew thinks real hard about this, then heads over to the
door, where George, Beth, and Katie are waiting for him.
Before he leaves, though, he turns back to Erin.

MATTHEW
Maybe we'll bring you back some breakfast.
You want eggs?

She looks at the group of them, feels their shift toward
acceptance. Smiles, moved.

ERIN
Eggs'd be great, baby. Eggs'd be perfect.

INT. ERIN'S TRUCK - DAY

Erin's driving along a dusty Hinkley road, eating cold eggs
out of a take-out container with her fingers.

EXT. FIREHOUSE - DAY

Morning. A GROUP OF MEN are arriving at work. Erin's truck
pulls up. She grabs some release forms from the truck and
wanders up to the men.
ERIN
Hey, y'all. How you all doing today?

INT. THE BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - DAY

She tosses eight more agreements in the signed stack.

EXT. HINKLEY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY

Morning drop-off time. Erin is handing out release forms zo
a GROUP of MOTHERS who just dropped off their kids.

EXT. HINKLEY MART - NIGHT

Erin is leaning on the hood of her truck, going down her list
of plaintiffs, checking off the ones who have already signed.

INT. LOST CAUSE SALOON - DAY

Another day. Erin has set up shop here and is at a table
with about FIVE PLAINTIFFS, all reading agreements. MIKE
AMBROSINO enters. Erin spots him.

ERIN
Mike! I been looking all over for you.
Come here, I wanna talk to you.

INT. BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - NIGHT

The signed stack is getting bigger.

INT. BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - DAY

And bigger.

INT. BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - DAY

And still bigger.

EXT. LOST CAUSE SALOON - NIGHT

CLOSE ON ERIN'S TRUNK. A bunch more forms get thrown onto
the signed stack, which is now much higher than the unsigned.

ERIN (O.S.)
I'm gonna head out to Barstow and talk to
some folks out there tonight.

WIDEN TO REVEAL Erin talking on a nearby pay phone.

GEORGE (O.S.)
Promise you'll turn around if you get tired.
ERIN
I will. Bye.

She hangs up. As she turns to get into her car, she finds
herself face-to-face with the Man in the Dark Glasses.

ERIN
Jesus!

He's just standing there, a foot away, blocking her exit.
She recognizes his truck as the one that chased her.

ERIN
Okay, what're you gonna do? You gonna kill
me? Dump my body in a ditch somewhere? Or
maybe you just wanna inject me with some
poison too -- why change tactics at this
stage of the game?
(beat)
Get outta my way, you make me sick.

She pushes past him. But he grabs her by the arm. He's a
big guy; it's a strong grab. Now she's scared. For a
moment, he does nothing. Just looks at her. Then:

DARK GLASSES
If PG&E made someone destroy a whole lot of
documents -- would that matter to you?

Erin takes a beat, realizing she completely misread him. She
gently pulls her arm away.

ERIN
Well ... I guess that depends on what the
documents were.
(she takes a beat)
I'm sorry -- I didn't get your name.

DARK GLASSES
Embry. Charles Embry.

Genres: Drama, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Suspenseful, Emotional, Intense, Intriguing

Summary Erin wakes up to find her family leaving for breakfast, leaving her to rest. Matthew's questions prompt Erin to explain her situation, leading to support from her family. As Erin collects signatures for her case, she encounters Charles Embry, who shares information about potential document destruction by PG&E. Erin's determination, the support of her family, and the intriguing encounter with Embry create a mix of determination, warmth, and intrigue.

Strengths

Tension-filled atmosphere
Emotional depth
Character development
Engaging dialogue

Weaknesses

Some repetitive actions in gathering signed release forms

General Critique

The scene starts with Erin waking up to find George and her kids preparing to leave, which sets a domestic and caring tone.
There is a nice moment of vulnerability and tenderness when Matthew asks about the sick girl on the release form, showing Erin's compassion and the harsh reality of the case.
The scene effectively portrays Erin's dedication and determination to collect signed release forms, showcasing her commitment to helping the plaintiffs.
The encounter with the Man in the Dark Glasses adds a suspenseful and mysterious element to the scene, creating tension and intrigue.
Erin's response to the Dark Glasses, showing her strength and defiance, adds depth to her character and hints at her fearless nature.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider adding more emotional depth to Erin's interaction with George and her kids to further highlight her personal struggles and relationships.
Explore the impact of Erin's work on her children and how she navigates balancing her responsibilities as a mother with her dedication to the case.
Enhance the suspense and mystery surrounding the Man in the Dark Glasses to create a more gripping and intriguing encounter.
Provide more insight into Erin's thought process and decision-making when faced with challenging situations, showcasing her resilience and determination.
Consider incorporating subtle hints or foreshadowing related to the significance of the documents mentioned by Charles Embry to build anticipation for future developments in the story.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. LOST CAUSE SALOON - NIGHT

Erin and Embry are the only patrons. Erin's eating a burger.
Embry has a beer. He's talking quietly, not looking at her.

EMBRY
I was working in the compressor, and out of
nowhere the supervisor calls me up to the
office and says, we're gonna give you a
shredder machine, and send you on down to
the warehouse. We want you to get rid of
all the documents stored out there.

ERIN
Did he say why?

EMBRY
Nope. And I didn't ask.

ERIN
Did you get a look at the stuff you
destroyed?

EMBRY
Well, it's pretty boring work, shredding --
you gotta find some way to entertain your
mind. So yeah, I took a look.

ERIN
And ...?

EMBRY
There was a lot of dull stuff -- vacation
schedules, the like.
(beat)
But then there were a few memos about the
holding ponds. The water in them. They had
readings from test wells, stuff like that.

Erin tries to hide her excitement at this information.

ERIN
And you were told to destroy those?

EMBRY
That's right.

Destruction of evidence. Pretty big deal. Erin plays it
down. Wipes her mouth with her napkin, takes a sip of beer.

EMBRY
Course as it turns out, I'm not a very good
employee.

ERIN
What do you mean?

EMBRY
Well. There were a few documents that I
somehow didn't get around to shredding.
(beat)
That I kept instead.
Erin stops, mid-bite.

INT. EMBRY'S GARAGE - NIGHT

He's dug out an inch-high stack of documents. Erin looks
them over, stunned. Embry is standing apart from her, hands
shoved deep in his pockets.

ERIN
How come you didn't say anything when you
found these things?

EMBRY
At the time, I thought, I got six kids, some
of 'em want to go to college. I can't
afford to lose my job. I told myself I was
being honorable.
(beat)
But there's nothing honorable in what I did.
(beat)
Maybe that's why they picked me for the job.
Maybe they knew what kind of man I was.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION AREA - DAY

Rosalind is at the desk. Anna, Brenda, and Jane are helping
themselves to coffee. Erin enters, with a big box in her
arms and a whole lot of attitude.

ERIN
Hey, Ros, where are they?

ROSALIND
In the conference --

But Erin's spotted them and headed off before Rosalind can
finish. Anna, Brenda and Jane notice the purpose in her
gait. They watch her with interest.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

The table is covered with boxes of documents: the anticipated
slew of paper that PG&E is sending them. Ed, Kurt, Theresa,
Andrew and ABOUT FIVE PARALEGALS are sifting through them.

Erin breezes in like sunshine.

ERIN
Morning!

ED
Erin? What are you --

ERIN
(ignoring Ed)
You know what, Mr. Potter? I completely
forgot your birthday this year. And seeing
as how you've been so good to me, I think
that is a terrible oversight. So what I
been doing over the last few days is I've
been putting together a present for you.

She plunks the box down on the table. Potter opens the top
of the box. Looks in.

ERIN
635. They all signed. Every single one.

IN THE DOORWAY, Anna, Brenda and Jane appear, wondering
what's up. A huge smile of appreciation slowly spreads
across Ed's face.

ED
Ho - ly - shit.

ERIN
Oh, now don't get all jealous, Ed. I got a
little something for you, too.

Erin hands Ed a manila envelope. He opens it.

ERIN
Internal PG&E documents, all about the
contamination. The one I like best says,
and I'm paraphrasing here, but it says yes,
the water's poisonous, but it'd be better
for all involved if this matter wasn't
discussed with the neighbors. It's to the
Hinkley station, from PG&E Headquarters.
Stamped received, March, 1966.

Potter and Theresa reel. Ed shakes his head in disbelief.

POTTER
Where did -- how did you do this?

ERIN
Well, what with me not having any brains or
legal expertise, I just went on up there and
performed sexual favors. 635 blow jobs in
five days. Whew, am I ever tired.

And she struts out of the room, leaving everyone slack-jawed.
The CLIP CLIP CLIP of her heels carry her away.

Genres: Drama, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Suspenseful, Confrontational, Revealing

Summary Erin and Embry meet at the Lost Cause Saloon, where Embry reveals he found documents linking PG&E to water contamination. Despite initial hesitation, he shares the papers with Erin, who presents them to Ed Potter and his team at Masry & Vititoe, providing crucial evidence in their case against PG&E.

Strengths

Revealing crucial information
Empowering character actions
Sharp and confrontational dialogue

Weaknesses

Possible lack of subtlety in Erin's actions

General Critique

The scene starts with Erin and Embry having a conversation in a bar, but the dialogue feels a bit forced and lacks natural flow. Consider making the conversation more organic and engaging to keep the audience's interest.
The revelation of Embry keeping the documents instead of destroying them is a crucial moment, but it could be built up more effectively to create a stronger impact. Consider adding more tension and suspense leading up to this reveal.
Erin's reaction to the information about the documents could be more nuanced and layered. Show her internal conflict and the weight of the situation she's now involved in.
The transition to the Masry & Vititoe office feels a bit abrupt and could be smoother. Consider adding a more seamless transition to connect the different locations and scenes.
The dialogue between Erin and the team at the law firm, especially the sarcastic remarks, could be toned down to maintain a professional tone while still conveying Erin's confidence and assertiveness.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Work on the natural flow and authenticity of the dialogue between Erin and Embry to make the conversation more engaging.
Build up the revelation of Embry keeping the documents to create more tension and impact.
Show more depth in Erin's reaction to the information about the documents to highlight the gravity of the situation.
Smooth out the transition between the bar scene and the law firm scene for better continuity.
Consider adjusting the tone of the dialogue at the law firm to balance Erin's confidence with a more professional approach.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

EXT. MASRY & VITITOE BUILDING, HALLWAY - DAY

Erin comes out of the office, flushed with success, and heads
down the hall. She presses the elevator button. The doors
open. As she steps on, Ed comes out of the office.

ED
Hey!

Erin puts her hand in the door, keeping it from closing. He
stares at her, in awe.

ED
I don't know what to say.

ERIN
Say you were wrong.

ED
I was wrong.

ERIN
Say you shortchanged me and you shortchanged
yourself.

ED
I did. Both.

ERIN
Say you'd be the luckiest son of a bitch on
Earth if I didn't up and quit over all this.

ED
The luckiest son of a bitch in the universe,
Erin. The luckiest son of a bitch in
history.

He looks down the hall at her, standing so tall and proud in
the elevator. He walks toward her, stops right outside the
elevator.

ED
But I know you're not gonna quit on me.

ERIN
How do you know that?

ED
(with a smile)
Cause you got a little voice in your head
saying, do the right thing. Give him
another chance.

Of course she will. She releases her hand so he won't see
her smiling. Ed watches the doors close.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. PCH - DAY

One of those days when the bay sparkles like a glitter ball.

Erin's Chevy moves up the PCH. DISCO music emanates from it.

INT. ERIN'S CHEVY - DAY

Erin's at the wheel. Time has passed -- her hair's a little
different. She's singing along with "Funky Town."

EXT. BEACH PARKING LOT - DAY

Erin gets out of her new truck, looks, sees the Irvings in a
little cluster. Donna's under an umbrella. Pete is
slathering on sunscreen. The two girls zip out toward the
water. Erin waves. Pete and Donna spot her, wave back.

EXT. BEACH - LATER

Donna is standing at the edge of the water, watching her
girls boogie board in. Erin comes up behind her.

ERIN
How you feeling today?

Donna turns, sees her. Smiles.

DONNA
It's a good day. I feel good.

ERIN
Well, then -- if you're feeling up to it,
maybe we should talk shop.

Erin sits down on a rock.

ERIN
The judge came up with a number.

DONNA
A number for the whole group, or for us?

ERIN
Both.

Donna sits down next to her.

ERIN
He's making them pay the maximum.

Tears of vindication spring to Donna's eyes.

DONNA
Oh, my God.

ERIN
And he's making them give five million of it
to you all.

DONNA
Five million dollars?

ERIN
Five million dollars.

She reels. After a breathless beat:

DONNA
I don't even know how much money that is.

ERIN
It's enough -- for whatever you need, for
whatever your girls need, for whatever your
girls' girls need -- it'll be enough.

Donna wipes the tears off her face, then watches the light
flickering off her girls playing in the surf.

DONNA
I can put them in a good school.

ERIN
Any school you want.

DONNA
And get someone to help around the house.

ERIN
Yup.

DONNA
Oh my God. Oh my God.

Donna is overwhelmed. Erin pulls her close.
DONNA
Oh, my God.

EXT. MASRY & VITITOE'S NEW OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

Now this is where the hot lawyers work. A gleaming testament
to power.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE'S NEW OFFICE - DAY

Boxes everywhere. They just moved in. Everyone is unpacking
at his or her desk. Rosalind is manning the new phones.

ROSALIND
Masry & Vititoe, can I -- shoot!

She lost them. Her reaction indicates this isn't the first
time. The front doors open and Erin enters.

ERIN
Hey, Ros. Nice view, huh?

ROSALIND
Yeah, I'm gonna start sleeping here.
(into phone)
Masry & Vititoe, can I -- damn it.
(calling out)
Does anyone know anything about these
phones?

Erin heads on down a hall to:

Genres: Drama
Tone: Triumphant, Hopeful, Emotional

Summary Erin confronts Ed, demanding an apology and acknowledgment of her worth. Ed expresses remorse and gratitude. Erin leaves, feeling confident and successful. She meets Donna, who shares news of a substantial settlement in their favor, bringing vindication and relief.

Strengths

Emotional depth
Character development
Plot progression

Weaknesses

Some dialogue could be more nuanced

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear transition from Erin's confrontation with Ed to her driving along the beach, which can make the flow feel disjointed.
The dialogue between Erin and Ed feels a bit cliched and lacks depth, especially considering the weight of their previous conflicts and resolutions.
The scene could benefit from more emotional depth and character development, especially in Erin's interactions with Donna regarding the settlement news.
The transition from the office setting to the beach setting could be smoother to enhance the overall coherence of the scene.
The scene could explore Erin's internal struggles and growth more effectively to add layers to her character.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or internal monologue for Erin to convey her emotional journey and growth.
Enhance the transition between the office and beach settings by incorporating a visual or auditory cue to connect the two locations.
Revise the dialogue between Erin and Ed to make it more authentic and reflective of their complex relationship dynamics.
Explore Donna's reaction to the settlement news in more detail to highlight the impact of Erin's work on the plaintiffs.
Add subtle visual cues or gestures to convey the emotional depth of the scene and the characters' reactions.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. ED'S NEW OFFICE - DAY

A beautiful corner office. Ed is unpacking when Erin enters.

ERIN
Careful you don't spit from here; you could
kill someone.

ED
You see your office?

ERIN
Yeah. Yours is nicer.

ED
Oh, okay. Here it comes.

ERIN
Here what comes?
ED
The extortion, the threats ...

ERIN
I wasn't gonna --

ED
"I can always find someplace else to work.
Someplace that'll pay me a fortune and give
me a view of the French Riviera ..."

ERIN
Ed, I swear, I'm not --

ED
Okay, fine. Fine You backed me into a
corner again. You're holding me hostage ...

He reaches into his breast pocket, pulls out a check. Hands
it to her.

ERIN
What is that?

ED
Take it.

Erin does. Looks at it. Her eyes bug out.

ERIN
Two million dollars?

ED
The firm took in sixty. That's three
percent. Seemed like a fair bonus to me.

She stares at it, speechless. He goes back to unpacking

ED
Oh, now I suppose you're gonna say it's not
enough. Well, tough, Erin. Too goddamn
bad. Cause this is absolutely, positively
where I draw the line.

FADE OUT.

THE END

Genres: Drama, Legal
Tone: Tense, Confrontational, Emotional

Summary In his new office, Ed anticipates Erin's blackmail attempt. However, Erin surprises him by not asking for anything. Overwhelmed with relief, Ed offers her a $2 million bonus.

Strengths

Intense emotional conflict
Sharp dialogue
Character depth and development

Weaknesses

Potential lack of resolution in the immediate scene

General Critique

The dialogue between Erin and Ed feels a bit forced and lacks subtlety in conveying their emotions and dynamics.
The scene lacks depth in exploring the complex relationship between Erin and Ed, missing an opportunity to delve into their character development.
The resolution of the conflict between Erin and Ed feels rushed and lacks a satisfying emotional payoff.
The scene could benefit from more nuanced interactions and subtext to add layers to the characters' motivations and feelings.
The dialogue could be more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities and history.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider adding more subtext and emotional depth to the dialogue to enhance the complexity of Erin and Ed's relationship.
Explore the characters' internal conflicts and motivations to create a more engaging and authentic interaction.
Allow the resolution of the conflict to unfold more gradually, building tension and emotional resonance before reaching a conclusion.
Focus on creating a more nuanced and realistic exchange between Erin and Ed, incorporating subtle cues and gestures to convey their feelings.
Revise the dialogue to be more reflective of the characters' personalities and the history of their relationship.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

Erin Brokovich

Overview

Unique Selling Point

AI Verdict & Suggestions

Story Facts

Script Level Analysis

Screenplay Insights

Story Critique

Characters

Emotional Analysis

Goals and Philosophical Conflict

Themes

Logic & Inconsistencies

Scene Analysis

Scene Level Percentiles

Other Analyses

Unique Voice

Writer's Craft

Memorable Lines

Tropes

World Building

Correlations

Loglines

Unique Voice

Writer's Craft

Memorable Lines

Tropes

World Building

Correlations

Loglines

Engine: Claude

Recommend

Executive Summary

Engine: GPT4

Recommend

Executive Summary

Screenplay Insights:

Screenplay Story Analysis

Erin - Score: 91/100

Role

Personality

Character Analysis Overview

Foundational Definition 9/10

Complexity And Depth 8/10

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis 9/10

Dialogue And Voice 8/10

Behavior And Choices 9/10

Relationship Dynamics 9/10

Scene Impact 9/10

Role Fulfillment 10/10

Thematic Plot Integration 10/10

Emotional Resonance 10/10

Score: 9

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 8

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 9

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 8

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 9

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 9

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 9

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 10

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 10

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 10