There's something about Mary

Overview

Unique Selling Point

This unpredictable and hilarious screenplay follows Ted, a man who, after years of harboring a high school crush, embarks on a quest to reconnect with his long-lost love, Mary. Along the way, he encounters an unforgettable cast of characters, including the eccentric private investigator Healy, who adds a mix of chaos and humor to the pursuit. The unique storytelling style blends witty dialogue, quirky situations, and a touch of heartwarming drama, capturing the nuances of human relationships and the complexities of second chances. The script's standout elements include: * **Authentic and Compelling Characters:** Ted's awkwardly endearing nature, Healy's quirky charm, and Mary's resilient spirit make the characters relatable and emotionally engaging. * **Unconventional Storytelling:** The screenplay defies genre conventions, seamlessly transitioning between humor, drama, and mystery, keeping the audience captivated throughout. * **Witty Dialogue and Quirky Situations:** The script is filled with memorable and laugh-out-loud moments, adding a layer of comedy to the heartwarming story. * **Thought-Provoking Themes:** Beneath the humor and entertainment, the screenplay explores themes of love, second chances, and the complexities of human relationships, leaving a lasting impression on viewers. This unique and entertaining script will appeal to audiences seeking a blend of laughter, heart, and thought-provoking storytelling, making it a standout choice for production.

AI Verdict & Suggestions

Ratings are subjective. So you get different engines’ ratings to compare.

Gemini
Consider

Claude
Consider

GPT4
Consider

See Details in P/C/R/HR Section

Story Facts

Genres: Comedy, Drama, Romance, Romantic Comedy, Thriller, Crime, Mystery, Action, Dark Comedy

Setting: The time period, Miami

Themes: Love, Friendship, Loss and Grief, Identity and Self-Acceptance, Betrayal and Deception

Conflict & Stakes: Ted's attempts to impress Mary and win her over, despite her initial reluctance. The conflict between Ted and Healy, as Ted realizes that Healy is not who he claims to be.

Mood: Bittersweet

Standout Features:

Unique Hook: The screenplay's unique blend of humor and drama.
Plot Twist: The revelation that Healy is not who he claims to be.
Distinctive Setting: The screenplay's setting in Miami.
Innovative Idea: The screenplay's exploration of the power of friendship.
Unique Characters: The screenplay's cast of well-developed and memorable characters.
Genre Blend: The screenplay's unique blend of comedy and drama.

Comparable Scripts: The Spectacular Now, Sing Street, The End of the F***ing World, Juno, Perks of Being a Wallflower, The Way, Way Back, Adventureland, Superbad, Lady Bird, The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Script Level Analysis

This section delivers a top-level assessment of the screenplay’s strengths and weaknesses — covering overall quality (P/C/R/HR), character development, emotional impact, thematic depth, narrative inconsistencies, and the story’s core philosophical conflict. It helps identify what’s resonating, what needs refinement, and how the script aligns with professional standards.

Screenplay Insights

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Story Critique

Big-picture feedback on the story’s clarity, stakes, cohesion, and engagement.

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Characters

Explores the depth, clarity, and arc of the main and supporting characters.

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Emotional Analysis

Breaks down the emotional journey of the audience across the script.

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Goals and Philosophical Conflict

Evaluates character motivations, obstacles, and sources of tension throughout the plot.

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Themes

Analysis of the themes of the screenplay and how well they’re expressed.

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Logic & Inconsistencies

Highlights any contradictions, plot holes, or logic gaps that may confuse viewers.

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Scene Analysis

All of your scenes analyzed individually and compared, so you can zero in on what to improve.

Scene-Level Percentile Chart

Hover over the graph to see more details about each score.

This screenplay excels in character development and dialogue, displaying a unique and fresh approach to storytelling. To enhance its impact, consider strengthening the plot and exploring deeper emotional connections, balancing these elements for a more well-rounded narrative.

Go to Scene Analysis

Key Strengths

**Dialogue (46.34%) and Character Development (45.12%)**: This screenplay has strong characterization and effective dialogue, which are crucial for engaging audiences. These elements allow readers to connect with and care about the characters, making the story more impactful.
**Originality (54.30%)**: The screenplay shows a unique and fresh approach to storytelling, setting it apart from conventional narratives and potentially capturing the attention of readers and audiences.

Areas for Improvement

**Plot Development (4.07%)**: The storyline may need further refinement to create a more compelling and engaging narrative. Exploring different plot points, conflicts, and character motivations could enhance the overall impact of the story.
**Emotional Impact (17.07%)**: Consider exploring deeper emotional connections between characters and events. Heightening the emotional stakes and creating a strong emotional resonance can captivate readers and leave a lasting impression.

Writer Style

The percentile patterns suggest an **intuitive writing style**, with strengths in character and dialogue development. This writer may excel in creating relatable characters and writing natural-sounding dialogue that drives the story forward.

Balancing Elements

While the screenplay has strong dialogue and characterization, it could benefit from giving more attention to plot development to create a more dynamic and engaging narrative.
To enhance the emotional impact, consider exploring deeper emotional connections between characters and events, and incorporating more emotionally resonant moments throughout the story.

Intuition Level

Intuitive

Overall Assessment

The screenplay showcases strong characterization, engaging dialogue, and originality, creating a foundation for a compelling story. However, it would benefit from further development in plot and emotional impact to elevate its overall potential.

How this was done: Each criteria is ranked in comparison to scripts in our Vault (such as The Matrix, Breaking Bad, etc.) This allows you to see where you stand compared to other produced scripts for each criteria.

How scenes compare to the Scripts in our Library

Note: The ratings are the averages of all the scenes.

Title	Grade	Percentile	Before	After
Script Structure	8.30	86	Parasite: 8.20	Casablanca: 8.30
Scene Unpredictability	7.60	64	The Umbrella Academy: 7.59	There's something about Mary: 7.60
Script Structure	8.15	59	Cruel Intentions: 8.14	There's something about Mary: 8.15
Script Theme	8.30	56	A Complete Unknown: 8.20	the dark knight rises: 8.30
Scene Formatting	8.17	53	American Fiction: 8.15	There's something about Mary: 8.17
Script Characters	8.00	48	Dune Part Two: 7.90	Casablanca: 8.00
Scene Originality	8.69	47	Call me by your name: 8.68	There's something about Mary: 8.69
Script Originality	7.90	43	The Addams Family: 7.80	Erin Brokovich: 7.90
Script Premise	7.90	39	Zootopia: 7.80	fight Club: 7.90
Scene Pacing	8.19	38	Coda: 8.18	There's something about Mary: 8.19
Scene Internal Goal	8.03	38	The father: 8.02	There's something about Mary: 8.03
Scene Engagement	8.92	37	Passengers: 8.91	There's something about Mary: 8.92
Scene Characters	8.2	35	September 5: 8.1	face/off: 8.2
Scene Dialogue	7.6	33	Coco: 7.5	the boys (TV): 7.6
Script Conflict	7.20	28	Mr Robot: 7.10	There's something about Mary: 7.20
Overall Script	7.90	28	Argo: 7.85	There's something about Mary: 7.90
Script Emotional Impact	7.50	27	Sherlock Holmes: 7.40	the pursuit of happyness: 7.50
Scene External Goal	7.08	26	Elvis: 7.07	the pursuit of happyness: 7.08
Scene Character Changes	6.1	15	Hot Fuzz: 6.0	There's something about Mary: 6.1
Scene Story Forward	7.3	11	A real pain : 7.2	There's something about Mary: 7.3
Scene Emotional Impact	6.9	11	The Addams Family: 6.8	There's something about Mary: 6.9
Scene Conflict Level	6.4	11	Moonlight: 6.3	There's something about Mary: 6.4
Scene Concept	7.7	10	Mulholland Drive: 7.6	There's something about Mary: 7.7
Scene High Stakes	5.5	6	Midnight in Paris: 5.3	There's something about Mary: 5.5
Script Visual Impact	6.80	6	Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde : 6.70	There's something about Mary: 6.80
Scene Plot	7.2	4	Swingers: 7.0	There's something about Mary: 7.2
Scene Overall	7.9	3	Mind Hunter: 7.8	There's something about Mary: 7.9

Other Analyses

This section looks at the extra spark — your story’s voice, style, world, and the moments that really stick. These insights might not change the bones of the script, but they can make it more original, more immersive, and way more memorable. It’s where things get fun, weird, and wonderfully you.

Unique Voice

Assesses the distinctiveness and personality of the writer's voice.

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Writer's Craft

Analyzes the writing to help the writer be aware of their skill and improve.

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Memorable Lines

Spotlights standout dialogue lines with emotional or thematic power.

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Tropes

Highlights common or genre-specific tropes found in the script.

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World Building

Evaluates the depth, consistency, and immersion of the story's world.

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Correlations

Identifies patterns in scene scores.

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Loglines

Presents logline variations based on theme, genre, and hook.

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Unique Voice

Assesses the distinctiveness and personality of the writer's voice.

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Writer's Craft

Analyzes the writing to help the writer be aware of their skill and improve.

> Go to Writer's Craft

Memorable Lines

Spotlights standout dialogue lines with emotional or thematic power.

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Tropes

Highlights common or genre-specific tropes found in the script.

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World Building

Evaluates the depth, consistency, and immersion of the story's world.

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Correlations

Identifies patterns in scene scores.

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Loglines

Presents logline variations based on theme, genre, and hook.

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Engine: Gemini

Screenplay Rating:

Consider

Executive Summary

The screenplay for 'There's Something About Mary' is a comedic rollercoaster filled with outrageous humor and memorable situations. It boasts sharp dialogue, effective use of voiceover narration, and well-developed characters, particularly Mary. However, the humor can be crude, some character arcs lack depth, and the pacing could be tightened. The screenplay also misses opportunities to explore emotional consequences and thematic depth. Overall, it has strong potential as a commercial comedy but would benefit from addressing its weaknesses.

Strengths

The screenplay excels in creating outrageous and memorable comedic situations, such as the zipper incident in scene 6 and the rest stop raid in scene 21, which are likely to stay with audiences long after viewing. high
The dialogue is sharp, witty, and often hilarious, filled with quotable lines and clever exchanges that contribute to the overall comedic tone. high
The use of voiceover narration effectively establishes Ted's perspective and inner thoughts, providing insight into his motivations and desires. medium ( Scene 1 Scene 7 Scene 8 )
The screenplay successfully balances its outrageous humor with moments of genuine heart and character development, particularly in Mary's relationship with her brother Warren and Ted's persistent feelings for Mary. medium
Mary's character is well-developed and defies typical romantic comedy tropes. She is strong, independent, and has clear priorities, making her a relatable and engaging protagonist. medium ( Scene 12 Scene 24 )

Areas of Improvement

The humor, while often hilarious, can occasionally veer into crude and offensive territory, potentially alienating some viewers. high
Healy's character, while initially funny, becomes increasingly one-dimensional and cartoonish as the story progresses. medium ( Scene 9 Scene 14 Scene 15 )
The introduction of Dom as Woogie feels somewhat forced and convenient, and his sudden obsession with Mary lacks proper development. medium ( Scene 37 Scene 38 )
The pacing in the second half of the screenplay could be tightened, particularly during the extended sequences of Healy's lies and the competition between the various suitors. medium
The ending, while consistent with the film's over-the-top humor, feels abrupt and leaves several plot threads unresolved, such as the fate of Healy and Tucker. low

MissingElements

The screenplay could benefit from exploring the emotional consequences of Ted's actions and the impact of his deception on Mary. high
There is an opportunity to delve deeper into Mary's internal conflict between her desire for a stable relationship and her commitment to her brother Warren. medium
The screenplay lacks a clear thematic message or takeaway beyond its comedic elements. medium

NotablePoints

The screenplay's success hinges largely on the casting and performances of the actors, particularly for the comedic roles. high
The film's soundtrack and music choices will play a crucial role in establishing the comedic tone and enhancing the overall viewing experience. medium

Engine: Claude

Screenplay Rating:

Consider

Executive Summary

The screenplay for 'There's Something About Mary' presents a unique and entertaining romantic comedy that explores the pursuit of a single woman by a group of quirky, yet well-developed suitors. While the plot can feel disjointed at times, the strong character development, engaging tone, and entertaining blend of genres make it a strong contender for consideration. With some refinement to the narrative structure and additional depth to the central character's motivations, the screenplay could be elevated to a highly recommended status.

Strengths

Strong character development that explores the personal journeys of the different suitors pursuing Mary. The screenplay does a good job of establishing their motivations and backstories. high
Engaging and humorous tone that balances the comedic moments with heartfelt emotional beats. The screenplay has a good sense of pacing and entertainment value. medium
Unique premise that explores the idea of multiple men competing for the affection of a single woman, each with their own quirks and agendas. medium

Areas of Improvement

The plot can feel disjointed at times, with several storylines and characters that don't always connect seamlessly. Tighter narrative structure could help unify the overall story. medium
Some of the supporting characters, like Magda and Warren, could be further developed to have a stronger impact on the central narrative. low
The ending, while entertaining, feels a bit rushed and could use additional refinement to land the emotional beats more effectively. medium

MissingElements

Deeper exploration of Mary's own motivations and internal journey could strengthen the screenplay. More insight into her perspective and decision-making process would add depth. medium

NotablePoints

The screenplay's ability to blend comedy, drama, and romance, creating a unique and entertaining blend of genres. high
The strong ensemble cast of characters, each with their own distinct personalities and quirks, which adds to the overall appeal and entertainment value. high

Engine: GPT4

Screenplay Rating:

Consider

Executive Summary

The screenplay 'There's Something About Mary' presents a unique blend of comedy and romance, with well-crafted dialogue and a compelling narrative. While it excels in humor and character development, particularly with the protagonist Mary, it could benefit from tighter pacing and more developed supporting character arcs. The screenplay holds potential for strong audience appeal due to its humorous and engaging storyline.

Strengths

The screenplay features a unique blend of humor and romance, creating a compelling narrative that keeps the audience engaged. high
The introduction of characters is well-executed, providing clear insights into their personalities and motivations early on. high ( Scene 1 Scene 2 )
The climax of the screenplay effectively resolves the main conflict and provides a satisfying conclusion to the story. high ( Scene 39 )
The use of dramatic irony and unexpected twists adds depth to the narrative and maintains viewer interest. medium ( Scene 28 )
The dialogue is witty and well-crafted, contributing to character development and the overall comedic tone of the screenplay. high

Areas of Improvement

Some scenes may benefit from tighter pacing to enhance the overall flow and maintain momentum throughout the film. medium
The character arcs for some supporting characters could be more developed to provide greater depth and contribute more significantly to the main storyline. medium
The screenplay could explore more complex emotional themes to add layers to the characters' relationships and interactions. low
Incorporating more visually descriptive elements could enhance the screenplay's appeal to directors and cinematographers. low
The ending, while satisfying, could be expanded to include a more detailed resolution for secondary plot lines. medium

MissingElements

The screenplay lacks a strong antagonist which could heighten the stakes and add tension to the narrative. high
There is a need for more diverse settings to visually enrich the film and provide a varied backdrop for the action. medium
The script could benefit from a subplot that parallels or contrasts the main plot to enhance thematic depth. medium
Including more cultural or topical references could make the screenplay more relatable and timely for contemporary audiences. low
The emotional transitions of characters could be more nuanced to avoid abrupt changes in behavior or motivation. medium

NotablePoints

The screenplay's humor is consistently effective, utilizing both situational and verbal comedy to great effect. high
The character of Mary is particularly well-written, with a clear and compelling character arc that drives the narrative. high
The screenplay skillfully balances comedic and romantic elements, appealing to fans of both genres. high
The use of miscommunication as a plot device is cleverly executed, providing both humor and conflict. medium
The screenplay's structure is solid, with well-placed plot points and climaxes that enhance the storytelling. high

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Screenplay Insights:

Overall Grade: 7.90

Characters: 8.0, The screenplay exhibits a solid foundation in character development, featuring a diverse cast of characters with distinct personalities and motivations. Characters undergo notable transformations, driving the narrative forward and adding depth to the story. While some characters shine with complexity and growth, others could benefit from further refinement to enhance emotional resonance and audience connection. See More

Premise: 7.9, The screenplay for "There's Something About Mary" presents a humorous and intriguing premise, centered around a nostalgic quest for a lost love and the unexpected consequences that unfold. The premise's strength lies in its blend of comedy, romance, and outlandish situations. However, there's room for refinement in clarifying Ted's motivations and exploring the deeper emotional impact of his journey. See More

Structure: 8.3, This screenplay effectively weaves together multiple plotlines, creating a cohesive and engaging narrative. The detailed character development and exploration of themes enhance the story's impact, resulting in a well-structured and emotionally resonant screenplay. While certain aspects could be refined to improve pacing and plot clarity, the screenplay demonstrates strong storytelling abilities and captivating character arcs. See More

Theme: 8.3, This screenplay effectively explores themes of love, perseverance, and self-acceptance through the intertwined stories of its characters. It manages to convey its messages with varying degrees of success, but the overall exploration of theme and message is engaging and thought-provoking. See More

Visual Impact: 6.8, The screenplay demonstrates a mix of strengths and areas for improvement in its visual imagery. While it effectively captures the tone and setting, there are opportunities to enhance the vividness, creativity, and emotional impact of certain scenes. See More

Emotional Impact: 7.5, The screenplay presents a series of heartfelt moments and explores complex emotions, but it could benefit from further development of emotional arcs and depth of character motivations. Enhancing emotional complexity and pacing would significantly elevate the film's ability to resonate with audiences on a profound level. See More

Conflict: 7.2, The screenplay presents a compelling central conflict between Ted's relentless pursuit of Mary and the obstacles he encounters along the way. While the stakes are personal and emotionally resonant, their escalation throughout the narrative could be strengthened to heighten tension and engage the audience more deeply. See More

Originality: 7.9, The screenplay presents several original and creative aspects, particularly in its unique character dynamics, quirky humor, and the exploration of themes through unconventional storytelling techniques. See More

Summary Following a series of misunderstandings and misadventures, Ted and Mary finally have a heartfelt conversation where they express their love for each other. However, their moment is interrupted when Ted is hit by a bus and a car, miraculously surviving the accidents. Mary professes her love for Ted, leading to a tender kiss between the two. The emotional scene encapsulates drama, romance, and humor, culminating in Ted waking up and professing his love for Mary as they share a kiss.

Screenplay Story Analysis

Story Critique The screenplay follows a unique and captivating plot, exploring love, deception, and personal growth in a humorous and heartbreaking manner. The central love triangle adds depth and intrigue, keeping the audience engaged throughout the story. The character arcs are well-developed, with each character facing their own challenges and transformations. The comedic elements provide lighthearted moments that balance the more serious and emotional aspects of the plot. However, the ending could benefit from a more satisfying resolution to fully capitalize on the potential of the storyline. Overall, the screenplay is a compelling and entertaining blend of romance, comedy, and mystery.

Suggestions: Consider expanding on the backstory of the characters to provide a deeper understanding of their motivations and actions. This will help strengthen their emotional connections with the audience. Enhance the pacing of the middle section to maintain a consistent level of engagement and avoid any lulls in the narrative. Explore alternative endings that provide a more fulfilling and impactful conclusion to the love triangle and character journeys. Introduce additional layers of conflict and resolution to add complexity and depth to the plot. Consider incorporating more visual elements and descriptive writing to enhance the sensory experience and create a more immersive screenplay.

Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here

Beginning The opening of the screenplay establishes a strong foundation for the story, introducing the main characters and their relationships in a relatable and engaging manner. The use of humor and witty dialogue immediately draws the audience in, creating a lighthearted and enjoyable tone. The central conflict is set up effectively, piquing the audience's curiosity and setting the stage for the ensuing events. However, the pacing could be slightly tightened to enhance the impact of the initial scenes and establish a more dynamic rhythm for the rest of the screenplay.

Suggestions: Consider adding a stronger hook or inciting incident at the beginning to immediately capture the audience's attention and establish the central conflict more forcefully. Introduce the main characters' motivations and goals more explicitly to provide a clearer sense of their desires and aspirations. Explore different ways to visually represent the central conflict, creating a more visually engaging and memorable opening for the screenplay.

Middle The middle section of the screenplay delivers a compelling mix of character development, humor, and suspense. The exploration of the love triangle adds depth and complexity to the narrative, keeping the audience invested in the characters' journeys. The comedic elements provide a welcome balance to the more serious moments, preventing the story from becoming overly dramatic. However, the pacing could benefit from some tightening, especially in the middle section, to maintain a consistent level of engagement and avoid any lulls in the narrative.

Suggestions: Consider restructuring the middle section to create a more dynamic and engaging pace. Explore different ways to heighten the tension and stakes of the love triangle to maintain the audience's interest throughout the middle section. Introduce additional obstacles or challenges for the characters to overcome, adding depth and complexity to their journeys.

Ending The ending of the screenplay provides a satisfying resolution to the central conflict, offering closure and emotional catharsis for the audience. The choices made by the characters feel authentic and align with their respective arcs, creating a sense of emotional resonance. The use of humor in the final scenes helps to lighten the tone and provide a sense of closure for the audience. However, the ending could benefit from a bit more emotional depth and weight to fully capitalize on the potential of the preceding events.

Suggestions: Consider expanding the emotional climax of the ending to create a more powerful and impactful moment for the audience. Explore different ways to heighten the stakes and consequences of the final conflict, adding tension and weight to the resolution. Introduce a twist or unexpected element to the ending to surprise and engage the audience, leaving a lasting impression.

CharacterInconsistencies

Character Healy
Description Healy's behavior and backstory seem to shift inconsistently. In scene 24, he is presented as a dangerous criminal with a violent past, but in scene 29 he is portrayed as merely a pathological liar without any confirmed criminal history. This abrupt change in characterization is jarring and undermines the narrative's cohesiveness.
Scenes: Scene 24, Scene 29
Character Tucker
Description Similar to Healy, Tucker's character is depicted as dishonest and manipulative in scene 24, but in scene 29 it is revealed that he is simply a pizza delivery man who lied about his occupation and background. This sudden shift in his character traits is not well-justified within the story.
Scenes: Scene 24, Scene 29

StoryInconsistencies

Description The information provided about Healy's criminal history and background is contradictory between the two scenes. In scene 14, Healy informs Ted that Healy is a murderer, but in scene 24, Tucker reveals that the information about Healy's criminal past was fabricated. This inconsistency in the narrative undercuts the credibility of the story.
Scenes: Scene 14, Scene 24

PlotHoles

Description It is unclear why Healy and Tucker decide to work together to undermine Ted and Mary's relationship. Their motivations and the nature of their alliance are not well-established, leaving a significant gap in the plot's logic.
Scenes: Scene 17, Scene 29
Description The screenplay does not adequately explain how Tucker obtained the false information about Healy's criminal history and used it to manipulate Mary. The process by which this deception was carried out is not clearly depicted, creating a plot hole in the narrative.
Scenes: Scene 24, Scene 29

DialogueAuthenticity

Description The dialogue between Magda and Mary regarding Puffy's ability to judge character seems overly expository and lacks the natural flow of a genuine conversation. The characters' lines feel more like a means of conveying information to the audience rather than an authentic exchange.
Scenes: Scene 29

Redundancies

Element Repeated scenes of Ted and Mary's relationship development
Scenes: Scene 33, Scene 34
Suggestion The montage sequence in scene 33 adequately conveys the progression of Ted and Mary's relationship. The additional scenes in scene 34 feel redundant and could be streamlined or combined to avoid repetition and maintain a more efficient narrative.

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Mary - Score: 82/100

Role

Protagonist

Personality

MBTI: ESFJ
Enneagram: Type 2 - The Helper

Scenes

Character Analysis Overview

Foundational Definition 8/10

Mary, a compassionate and intelligent woman seeking love.

Complexity And Depth 7/10

Mary's deep-rooted emotional conflicts make her complex.

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis 8/10

Mary's journey revolves around her evolving understanding of love.

Dialogue And Voice 8/10

Mary's dialogue showcases her warmth and intelligence.

Behavior And Choices 9/10

Mary's choices reflect her values and emotional struggles.

Relationship Dynamics 8/10

Mary's relationships reflect her complex emotional landscape.

Scene Impact 8/10

Mary's presence significantly influences key scenes.

Role Fulfillment 9/10

Mary fulfills the role of the romantic interest and emotional centerpiece.

Thematic Plot Integration 9/10

Mary's journey intertwines with themes of love, identity, and family.

Emotional Resonance 8/10

Mary evokes strong emotions tied to love and longing.

Foundational Definition

Score: 8

Mary is depicted as a kind-hearted, intelligent woman who deeply cares for those around her, particularly her brother Warren. She strives for connection and love while navigating the complexities of her life and relationships. Her foundational values include compassion, loyalty to her family, and a desire for meaningful romantic connections, which shape her decisions throughout the screenplay.

Values And Beliefs: Compassion, Loyalty, Desire for real love

Strengths And Skills: Empathy, Courage to confront issues, Intelligence

Suggestions

Further explore her backstory to reveal how her past experiences shape her current worldview.
Consider adding more moments that showcase her professional skills as a surgeon.

Follow-up Questions

How has her relationship with Warren influenced her approach to other relationships?
What specific past experiences might make her wary of entering new relationships?

Complexity And Depth

Score: 7

Mary grapples with the absence of a true romantic connection, contrasting her desires with her real-life experiences. This internal conflict is compounded by her protective instincts towards Warren, which sometimes complicates her own romantic pursuits. Her emotional wounds stem from past relationships that didn't work out as expected, leading to a complex view of love.

Character Wound: Fear of rejection and hindered romantic connections

Character Flaws: Overly cautious in relationships, Occasional naivety about people's intentions

Suggestions

Challenge her perceptions of love by introducing more diverse relationship experiences.
Explore how her connection with her brother influences her interactions with men.

Follow-up Questions

What specific past relationship has most impacted her current outlook on love?
How do her feelings towards Warren affect her romantic decisions?

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis

Score: 8

Throughout the screenplay, Mary transitions from being wary and hesitant about her romantic choices to embracing the possibility of true love, particularly as she reconnects with Ted. Her pivotal moments of clarity guide her away from superficial relationships and towards more meaningful connections.

Polarity Changes: Shifts from cautious and unsure about love to more open and connected.

Transformation Triggers: Reconnecting with Ted, realizing her value and desire for real love.

Suggestions

Deepen her transformation by placing her in situations that challenge her views on love.
More explicitly show her decision-making processes that lead to growth.

Follow-up Questions

What moment best represents the turning point in her understanding of love?
What external forces could further propel or hinder her transformation?

Dialogue And Voice

Score: 8

Mary's dialogue reflects a compassionate nature and an ability to connect with others emotionally. She tends to use humor to navigate awkward situations. As her character develops, her dialogue evolves to encompass a clearer understanding of her needs in relationships, adding depth to her voice.

Unique Voice: Her speech is often empathetic, reflective, and laced with humor.

Suggestions

Enhance her dialogue by incorporating more repartee with Ted that showcases their connection.
Introduce moments of vulnerability that allow her to express her fears more openly.

Follow-up Questions

How might her dialogue change as she becomes more self-aware?
What specific lines or exchanges stand out in defining her character?

Behavior And Choices

Score: 9

Mary's decisions throughout the screenplay reveal her longing for authentic connections, yet her choices often show a sense of caution shaped by past experiences. She displays moments of bravery, especially in her romantic endeavors, while also showing the protective instinct towards her family, particularly her brother.

Motivations: Seeking genuine love and connection while protecting her brother.

Desires Vs Needs: Desires romantic intimacy but needs emotional security and stability.

Suggestions

Highlight instances where her protective nature conflicts with her romantic desires.
Explore how her professional life influences her personal choices.

Follow-up Questions

What drives Mary to choose one relationship over another?
How do her relationships impact her ability to make healthy decisions in regard to love?

Relationship Dynamics

Score: 8

Her connection with Warren is central to her character; it shapes her nurturing instincts and influences her romantic choices. The dynamics with Ted represent her potential for love, while her interactions with Healy highlight the conflict between superficial attraction and genuine feelings.

Suggestions

Slowly reveal more about her relationship with Warren to enhance emotional depth.
Explore more nuanced interactions with Ted that demonstrate her growth.

Follow-up Questions

How does her relationship with her brother affect her interactions with male characters?
What does her dynamic with Ted reveal about her views on love?

Scene Impact

Score: 8

She often serves as an emotional anchor for the men around her, driving their actions and decisions. Her reactions and choices introduce tension and resolution, particularly in romantic contexts with Ted and antagonistic moments with Healy.

Suggestions

Ensure her reactions are consistent with her character arc to maintain scene integrity.
Create more scenes where her strength and vulnerability are highlighted simultaneously.

Follow-up Questions

What are the moments when her decisions shift the momentum of a scene?
In which scenes does her emotional state best reflect clashes in relationship dynamics?

Role Fulfillment

Score: 9

Mary embodies the archetypal love interest, with her character development transcending typical stereotypes. She progresses from being a mere object of pursuit to an agent of change for both Ted and Healy, thereby enriching the emotional landscape of the narrative.

Symbolic Role: Represents hope and true love amidst chaos.

Suggestions

Further subvert typical romantic tropes to make her role even more compelling.
Incorporate backstory that gives weight to her decisions as a love interest.

Follow-up Questions

How distinctly does her character challenge traditional romantic roles?
What thematic elements could be woven into her interactions with Ted and others?

Thematic Plot Integration

Score: 9

Her narrative arc is crucial in illustrating the complexities of love and the struggle for authentic connections. Mary embodies the theme of seeking true companionship while dealing with familial responsibilities, reflecting the balance individuals often strive for in their lives.

Suggestions

Identify ways to tighten her storyline with other characters to heighten thematic depth.
Weave her personal struggles with broader social themes for a richer narrative.

Follow-up Questions

In what ways does her narrative speak to broader themes of love and family?
How do her relationships contribute to the fundamental messages of the screenplay?

Emotional Resonance

Score: 8

Mary elicits significant emotional responses from the audience throughout the screenplay. Her struggles and growth resonate deeply, especially as she navigates love amidst familial obligations. The emotional weight of her choices enhances the screenplay's overall poignancy.

Emotional Impact: Encapsulates empathy, hope, and the pain of longing.

Suggestions

Include moments that explore her inner conflict more deeply.
Enhance background details that lead the audience to root for her happiness.

Follow-up Questions

What specific moments make her experiences relatable to the audience?
How can her emotional journey be made even more impactful?

Personality Types

MBTI: esfj

Mary displays characteristics of extroversion, a strong sense of harmony with others, and values relationships, aligning well with the ESFJ personality type.

Confidence: 85%

Suggestions

Emphasize her extroverted traits through group dynamics in scenes.
Showcase her emotional intelligence in her interactions with others.

Follow-up Questions

How does her ESFJ nature influence her decision-making in relationships?
What situations could further highlight her caring disposition?

Enneagram: type 2 - the helper

Mary embodies the Helper archetype through her caring nature and desire to support those she loves, often putting their needs above her own.

Confidence: 80%

Possible Alternative Type: type 6 - the loyalist (60%)

Suggestions

Explore how her Helper tendencies affect her personal boundaries.
Provide situations that challenge her desire to be needed.

Follow-up Questions

What experiences might lead her to set healthier boundaries?
How does her centrism around others influence her sense of self-worth?

Key Scenes

Strongest Scene (0)

The scene during the driving range that showcases her chemistry with Ted.

Why: It establishes her as a well-rounded character seeking authentic love.

Weakest Scene (0)

The initial introduction scenes where she interacts with Ted.

Why: These scenes could more effectively establish her character depth.

Suggestions:

Incorporate additional dialogue that reveals her inner thoughts.
Show more of her interactions with peers before the prom invitation.

Ted - Score: 78/100

Role

Protagonist

Personality

MBTI: ISFJ
Enneagram: Type 2 - The Helper

Scenes

Strongest: #39
Weakest: #22

Character Analysis Overview

Foundational Definition 8/10

Nervous, awkward teen with deep feelings for Mary.

Complexity And Depth 7/10

Struggles with insecurity and impulsiveness.

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis 8/10

Ted undergoes a significant journey from an insecure teen to an adult seeking love.

Dialogue And Voice 7/10

Ted's dialogue reflects his nervous, comedic disposition.

Behavior And Choices 6/10

Ted often makes impulsive decisions driven by his emotions.

Relationship Dynamics 8/10

Ted's relationships are characterized by longing, humor, and emotional stakes.

Scene Impact 8/10

Ted’s presence brings humor and emotional tension to scenes.

Role Fulfillment 9/10

Ted exemplifies the role of the earnest protagonist in a romantic comedy.

Thematic Plot Integration 9/10

Ted's journey aligns closely with themes of love, shame, and redemption.

Emotional Resonance 8/10

Ted generates both laughter and sympathy.

Foundational Definition

Score: 8

Ted Peloquin is introduced as a nervous, awkward teenager navigating the complexities of high school and his unrequited crush on Mary. His character is fundamentally defined by repressed feelings of insecurity and a longing for connection, which shapes his outlook on relationships and social interactions. His value system revolves around love and acceptance, stemming from the deep impact that Mary has had on him since adolescence. As he matures into adulthood, Ted remains haunted by his past experiences, particularly that significant moment during high school that led to a painful, embarrassing event. This foundational identity paves the way for his quest to rekindle romance with Mary.

Values And Beliefs: Love and acceptance, fear of rejection, desire for connection

Strengths And Skills: Loyalty, resilience, comedic timing, emotional depth

Suggestions

Explore deeper emotional scars and childhood experiences to enrich his character.
Develop more solid friendships to contrast with his romantic pursuits.

Follow-up Questions

What defines Ted's insecurities in adulthood compared to his teenage years?
How do Ted's experiences with rejection influence his behavior with other characters?

Complexity And Depth

Score: 7

Ted harbors an emotional wound linked to his past with Mary, manifesting in a deep fear of inadequacy and rejection. His transition into adulthood is complicated by lingering feelings and a comical blundering tendency that often restricts his ability to express his true self. These aspects reveal a character striving for love yet ensnared by self-doubt. Ted's flaws include impulsiveness, a tendency to idealize romance, and a lack of confidence, all of which impact his decisions and relationships throughout the screenplay.

Character Wound: Fear of inadequacy from embarrassment in teenage years

Character Flaws: Impulsiveness, idealization of romance, lack of confidence

Suggestions

Incorporate more vulnerable moments to showcase his flaws.
Highlight internal conflicts during interactions with Mary.

Follow-up Questions

How does Ted's fear of rejection affect his choices with Mary?
In what ways do Ted's flaws create comic relief in the relationships around him?

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis

Score: 8

Throughout the screenplay, Ted evolves from an awkward teenager to an adult grappling with the memory of his first love. His interactions with Mary become the focal point of his emotional journey, prompting moments of both elation and despair. As other rival characters emerge, Ted's transformation becomes more pronounced, revealing what he values most—true love over superficial connections. The tension in his character arc hinges on his ability to confront past embarrassments while embracing a new chance with Mary.

Polarity Changes: Ted's journey includes highs at moments of connection with Mary, and lows in miscommunication and humiliation.

Transformation Triggers: Rekindling feelings for Mary, learning of Healy's intentions.

Suggestions

Clarify Ted's motivations in moments of conflict to heighten his emotional arc.
Use flashbacks more effectively to showcase his teenage insecurities.

Follow-up Questions

What specific events catalyze Ted's growth throughout the narrative?
How do Ted's failures in relationships pave the way for his ultimate redemption?

Dialogue And Voice

Score: 7

Ted's speech patterns reveal his heartfelt nature mixed with an undercurrent of awkwardness. His dialogue often involves comedic quips, showcasing his quick wit but also his tendency to misstep in serious moments. As the story progresses, moments of vulnerability emerge, providing insight into his emotional state and drawing the audience closer to his struggles. This balance of comedy and sincerity makes Ted relatable yet deeply flawed.

Unique Voice: Awkward humor, self-deprecating remarks, and heartfelt sincerity.

Suggestions

Include more heartfelt monologues to contrast his humor with sincerity.
Develop a signature catchphrase or saying that he uses to reinforce character identity.

Follow-up Questions

How do the comedic elements in Ted’s dialogue serve to deepen his character?
What specific lines or exchanges highlight the tension in his relationships?

Behavior And Choices

Score: 6

Ted's actions are often governed by a mix of awkwardness and spur-of-the-moment decisions, stemming from his emotional needs. His choices, like following Mary and ultimately confronting Healy, illustrate his journey toward self-discovery and acceptance. However, his impulsiveness occasionally leads to humiliation or miscommunication, creating tension and conflict within the narrative.

Motivations: Romantic connection with Mary, desire for validation and acceptance.

Desires Vs Needs: Ted desires love and validation but needs to confront his insecurities and self-worth.

Suggestions

Explore Ted's motivations more to clarify the stakes in his choices.
Showcase contrasting moments of thoughtfulness vs. impulsiveness during key decisions.

Follow-up Questions

What are the driving motivations behind Ted’s choices with Mary?
How do these choices change his relationships with other characters, especially Healy?

Relationship Dynamics

Score: 8

Ted's dynamic with Mary serves as the crux of his character. Their relationship oscillates between comedic mishaps and genuine emotional connections, reflecting the challenges of adolescence carried into adulthood. Ted's attempts to rekindle this connection underscore his growth but also reveal the risks inherent in vulnerability. Additionally, his interactions with characters like Healy demonstrate the rivalry and competition for love, showcasing the conflict that defines his emotional journey.

Suggestions

Deepen the backstory between Ted and Mary to showcase their history.
Contrast Ted's relationship with Healy to highlight themes of rivalry vs. friendship.

Follow-up Questions

How does Ted’s dynamic with Mary evolve as the narrative progresses?
In what ways do Ted's rivalries shape his interactions with Healy and other characters?

Scene Impact

Score: 8

Ted’s character is instrumental in creating both comedic and poignant moments throughout the screenplay. His interactions often introduce a light-heartedness, while his struggles add depth to the emotional landscape of the narrative. During critical scenes, his decisions catalyze plot development and character arcs, enhancing the overall impact of the story.

Suggestions

Enhance Ted's influence in scenes where love and embarrassment intersect.
Use visual and verbal cues to amplify Ted's presence during key moments.

Follow-up Questions

What specific scenes best showcase Ted's character impact on the narrative?
How does Ted shift or balance the tone of scenes he is in?

Role Fulfillment

Score: 9

Ted serves as a classic romantic comedy protagonist, embodying the themes of love, desire, and insecurity. His journey to regain Mary's affection not only fulfills his character arc but also serves a broader narrative purpose of illustrating the trials of young love. He represents the 'everyman' experience, providing a relatable figure for audiences who root for his happiness despite the numerous obstacles he faces.

Symbolic Role: The lovable underdog chasing love, signifying perseverance against odds.

Suggestions

Further emphasize Ted's emotional struggles to heighten his relatability.
Introduce contrasting characters to further clarify his protagonist role.

Follow-up Questions

How does Ted's narrative role shift as the story unfolds?
What symbolic significance does Ted hold in the context of love and redemption?

Thematic Plot Integration

Score: 9

Throughout the screenplay, Ted's character embodies the major themes of regret, amateurism in romance, and the pursuit of true love. His connections with Mary and his rivals highlight the central idea of navigating love's complexities amidst personal flaws and societal expectations. This alignment with overarching themes reinforces Ted's relevance to the narrative’s direction and emotional resonance.

Suggestions

Highlight parallels between Ted's journey and cultural perceptions of love.
Intensify moments where Ted confronts societal expectations in romance.

Follow-up Questions

How does Ted’s character contribute to the screenplay's overarching themes?
What lessons does Ted learn that resonate with the overall message of the story?

Emotional Resonance

Score: 8

Ted’s character resonates emotionally with audiences through his awkwardness and sincerity, evoking laughter while also tapping into deeper sentiments of longing and vulnerability. His journey resonates particularly well with adults reflecting on their own romantic misadventures, creating a relatable bond that drives audience engagement and investment in his character.

Emotional Impact: Ted evokes sympathy and laughter, representing the trials of love.

Suggestions

Implement scenes that deepen emotional stakes in Ted's journey.
Use music and visuals effectively to amplify emotional moments connected to Ted.

Follow-up Questions

What emotional beats related to Ted have the strongest impact on audiences?
In what ways can Ted’s vulnerabilities enhance audience engagement?

Personality Types

MBTI: isfj

Ted exhibits characteristics common in ISFJ types, such as nurturing elements, loyalty toward Mary, and an acute emotional sensitivity.

Confidence: 75%

Possible Alternative Type: esfj (25%)

Suggestions

Explore how Ted’s ISFJ traits influence his relationships with others.
Consider depicting Ted's internal processes to underline his ISFJ tendencies.

Follow-up Questions

In what ways do Ted's ISFJ traits create conflict within the narrative?
How do his traits affect his interactions with other character types?

Enneagram: type 2 - the helper

Ted demonstrates a strong desire to be liked and to help those around him, often putting others' needs ahead of his own, indicating a Type 2 personality.

Confidence: 70%

Possible Alternative Type: type 6 - the loyalist (30%)

Suggestions

Use Ted's helper tendencies to create conflict in dire scenarios.
Highlight moments where Ted's loyalty could be tested.

Follow-up Questions

How does Ted's Enneagram type influence his perspective on love?
What specific actions illustrate Ted's helper traits throughout the screenplay?

Key Scenes

Strongest Scene (39)

The moment Ted expresses his love for Mary after being hit by a bus reflects character growth and emotional impact.

Why: It encapsulates his journey and relays the pure essence of his character arc beautifully.

Weakest Scene (22)

The scene where Ted is arrested in a misguided public incident undermines his character's growth and purpose.

Why: It distracts from his main narrative while diminishing his earnest pursuit of Mary.

Suggestions:

Reframe the scene to provide more depth to Ted's experience in handling pressure.
Incorporate comedic elements that align with his character's essence, rather than setting him back.

Healy - Score: 65/100

Role

Antagonist

Personality

MBTI: ENTP

Character Analysis Overview

Foundational Definition 7/10

A manipulative figure driven by competition and deceit.

Complexity And Depth 6/10

Emotionally wounded and insecure, leading to manipulative behavior.

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis 5/10

Healy's arc reflects his struggle to win love through deceit, ultimately facing consequences.

Dialogue And Voice 6/10

Healy’s dialogue often drips with sarcasm and bravado, reflecting his manipulation.

Behavior And Choices 7/10

Healy's choices reflect his manipulation and drive for control in relationships.

Relationship Dynamics 6/10

Healy's relationships are predominantly transactional and driven by self-interest.

Scene Impact 7/10

Healy's presence often escalates tension and conflict.

Role Fulfillment 8/10

Healy serves as the primary antagonist in the narrative.

Thematic Plot Integration 7/10

Healy’s actions directly challenge the film’s themes of love and authenticity.

Emotional Resonance 6/10

Evokes a mix of frustration and sympathy.

Foundational Definition

Score: 7

Pat Healy is characterized as a manipulative figure in the story, using deceit to pursue his interest in Mary. His values seem to revolve around winning at all costs, even if it involves dishonesty. He enters the narrative with a facade of charm, positioning himself as a competitor for Mary’s affection against Ted, whom he sees as a loser. This foundationally shapes his aggressive actions towards Ted as well as his pursuit of Mary, whom he considers a prize to be won rather than a person to connect with on a deeper level.

Values And Beliefs: Winning at all costs, objectifying love interests, pride in manipulation.

Strengths And Skills: Charisma, ability to deceive, attractive demeanor.

Suggestions

Develop a backstory that explores his past relationships to explain his behavior.
Introduce moments of vulnerability to deepen his character.

Follow-up Questions

What specific past experiences led to Healy's manipulative tendencies?
How could Healy’s actions reflect deeper insecurities regarding love?

Complexity And Depth

Score: 6

Healy exhibits emotional wounds tied to rejection, particularly from women. His need to garner affection through deceit suggests significant internal conflict about self-worth and authenticity. This lack of authenticity compiles into a façade that prevents genuine connections. His manipulative behavior stems from fear of being hurt or rejected, but it also serves to isolate him further from meaningful relationships.

Character Wound: Fear of rejection and inadequacy.

Character Flaws: Dishonesty, manipulation, inability to form genuine connections.

Suggestions

Consider exploring Healy's insecurities more explicitly in dialogue.
Show moments of regret that reveal his internal struggles.

Follow-up Questions

How does Healy rationalize his lies and manipulation?
What would it take for Healy to confront his fears of rejection?

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis

Score: 5

Healy shows minimal growth; he is ultimately unable to secure love through authentic means. His encounters with Ted force him to confront the unsustainable nature of his deceit, but he often reverts to old patterns, demonstrating a purposeful stasis. There are moments where he acknowledges his faults, yet he cannot seem to fully embrace change, leading to tragic outcomes.

Polarity Changes: He oscillates between confidence in his manipulation and moments of vulnerability when confronted.

Transformation Triggers: Being confronted by Ted and the loss of Mary.

Suggestions

Implement a pivotal scene where Healy faces a realization about love and honesty.
Develop a potential redemption arc where Healy tries to mend relationships.

Follow-up Questions

What would be Healy's tipping point for real transformation?
Can he ever reconcile his actions with a desire for genuine connection?

Dialogue And Voice

Score: 6

Healy’s speech showcases a confident but deceptive charm, often using humor to deflect serious topics. His ability to manipulate conversation allows him to control the narrative, particularly around Mary. Over time, as his lies unravel, the tone in his dialogue shifts from light-hearted banter to desperate justifications, revealing cracks in his façade.

Unique Voice: Sarcasm, flirtation, self-deprecation to mask insecurities.

Suggestions

Incorporate more introspective dialogue that reveals his vulnerabilities.
Allow Healy to let slip moments of genuine emotion or regret.

Follow-up Questions

How does Healy's dialogue change when he is faced with consequences?
What could reveal his inner turmoil without directly stating it?

Behavior And Choices

Score: 7

His behavior exhibits a range of manipulative tactics aimed at undermining Ted. This includes deceitful revelations and attempting to charm Mary while undermining Ted's credibility. His decisions often stem from insecurities masked by confidence, showcasing a deep-rooted fear of vulnerability. Each choice, although strategic, ultimately distances him from true emotional engagement.

Motivations: The desire to win Mary at any cost, control over emotional situations.

Desires Vs Needs: Desires to possess Mary and be seen as desirable versus his need for genuine love and acceptance.

Suggestions

Explore moments where Healy surprises even himself with genuine feelings.
Create scenes that illustrate the backlash of his manipulative tactics.

Follow-up Questions

How does Healy rationalize his behaviors to himself?
What moments might lead him to reconsider his manipulative choices?

Relationship Dynamics

Score: 6

His connection with Mary is built on deceit and superficial charm, lacking depth and sincerity. Meanwhile, his rivalry with Ted displays a toxic competitiveness rather than mutual respect. Healy forms temporary alliances for selfish gain but struggles to maintain healthy relationships because his manipulative nature repels genuine connection.

Suggestions

Show a budding friendship with someone that challenges his manipulative instincts.
Bring in a rival who presents a more genuine contrast to Healy.

Follow-up Questions

What would Healy's ideal relationship look like?
How would a sincere relationship challenge Healy's worldview?

Scene Impact

Score: 7

In scenes where Healy is involved, he frequently serves as an antagonist, prompting Ted to confront his self-worth and the nature of love. His manipulative actions often drive the plot tension, creating a competition for Mary that climaxes in emotional confrontations. In moments of vulnerability, his presence shifts from antagonistic to sympathetic, offering complexity to his character.

Suggestions

Consider revisiting scenes where Healy’s motivations aren't clear.
Create a pivotal scene that shifts audience perception of Healy.

Follow-up Questions

How does Healy's impact on other characters drive their development?
What moments showcase a stark contrast between Healy and Ted?

Role Fulfillment

Score: 8

Healy's role underscores the theme of authenticity in relationships and the dangers of deceit. He serves as a foil to Ted, whose genuine love and vulnerability starkly contrast Healy's calculated charm. While Healy aims for victory, he often sabotages authentic connections, challenging the viewer's understanding of real love versus possession.

Symbolic Role: Embodiment of toxic masculinity and the pitfalls of manipulation.

Suggestions

Illuminate subtler aspects of Healy that challenge his role as an antagonist.
Allow for an unexpected allyship or understanding between Healy and Ted.

Follow-up Questions

What does Healy bring to the story's resolution?
How does he ultimately redefine his role by the story’s end?

Thematic Plot Integration

Score: 7

His journey reveals how deceit can destroy relationships and that genuine connection requires vulnerability. Healy’s character arc and ultimate failures serve as cautionary tales against objectifying love and the consequences of manipulation. His struggle against Ted's authenticity showcases the contrasting approaches to love, heightening the film’s central themes.

Suggestions

Deepen the thematic contrast between Healy and Ted through dialogue.
Create moments where Healy grapples with the impact of his actions.

Follow-up Questions

What elements of Healy's character can highlight the theme of authenticity?
How can Healy's actions inform the protagonist's journey?

Emotional Resonance

Score: 6

Healy's manipulative behavior often creates tension and frustration among viewers as they witness his machinations against the more genuine Ted. At the same time, glimpses of Healy's insecurities and emotional wounds evoke sympathy. This duality engages the audience's emotional responses, both rooting for Ted and questioning the outcome for Healy.

Emotional Impact: Elicits frustration and occasional sympathy from the audience.

Suggestions

Introduce moments of reflection to enhance emotional engagement.
Allow for a climactic confrontation that solidifies audience feelings toward Healy.

Follow-up Questions

What specific moments could heighten the audience's emotional investment?
How can Healy's internal conflict create a more engaging dynamic?

Personality Types

MBTI: entp

Healy demonstrates traits of an ENTP, showing charm, quick wit, and often engaging in manipulative tactics that suggest a non-conventional approach to relationships.

Confidence: 75%

Suggestions

Utilize Healy's ENTP traits to create unexpected dialogue dynamics.
Explore situations where Healy's quick thinking may backfire.

Follow-up Questions

How does Healy's personality type influence his decision-making?
What traits could further complicate his relationships?

Tucker - Score: 63/100

Personality

MBTI: ESFP
Enneagram: 2 (The Helper)

Scenes

Strongest: #10
Weakest: #12

Character Analysis Overview

Foundational Definition 6/10

A friend with unrequited love for Mary.

Complexity And Depth 7/10

Struggles with inadequacy and jealousy.

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis 5/10

Reflects a character stuck in unrequited love.

Dialogue And Voice 6/10

Typically humorous but revealing tone.

Behavior And Choices 7/10

Determined yet often deceptive actions.

Relationship Dynamics 6/10

Complex web of manipulation and longing.

Scene Impact 7/10

Disruptive presence that escalates conflict.

Role Fulfillment 6/10

Serves as a rival and comic relief.

Thematic Plot Integration 6/10

Embodies the struggles of unreciprocated love.

Emotional Resonance 7/10

Combines humor with emotional depth.

Foundational Definition

Score: 6

Tucker is portrayed as a friend of Mary and a foil to the protagonists' romantic interests. His actions stem from a deep-seated desire for love and recognition, which influences his decisions throughout the screenplay. His backstory involves having unrequited feelings for Mary, occasionally leading to obsessive behavior. Despite this, he has a semblance of charm and the ability to connect, although he often resorts to deception.

Values And Beliefs: Believes in the pursuit of love, often at the expense of honesty.

Strengths And Skills: Charismatic and humorous, able to engage people effectively.

Suggestions

Provide more depth to Tucker's motivations for pursuing Mary.
Explore Tucker's past relationships to contrast with his feelings for Mary.

Follow-up Questions

What specific traits does Tucker possess that endear him to Mary?
How does Tucker's belief in love affect his decisions regarding other characters?

Complexity And Depth

Score: 7

Tucker struggles with feelings of inadequacy and often resorts to dishonest means to gain Mary's affection. His internal conflict revolves around wanting genuine love versus taking shortcuts to attain it. These emotional wounds manifest in his interactions with Healy and Ted, showcasing a pattern of jealousy and insecurity.

Character Wound: Fear of not being good enough for Mary.

Character Flaws: Obsessive, manipulative, and insecure.

Suggestions

Develop backstory elements that hint at Tucker's insecurities.
Allow moments where Tucker's vulnerability is exposed.

Follow-up Questions

What past experiences might have contributed to Tucker's emotional wounds?
How does Tucker's jealousy of Healy manifest in their interactions?

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis

Score: 5

Tucker exhibits little change throughout the story. His feelings for Mary remain consistent and his behavior towards others is primarily driven by his unfulfilled desires.

Polarity Changes: None; mainly exhibits static characteristics throughout the screenplay.

Transformation Triggers: None explicitly shown; more emphasis on his relationships.

Suggestions

Introduce a pivotal scene that prompts Tucker to reevaluate his feelings.
Allow Tucker to confront his feelings for Mary in a significant way.

Follow-up Questions

What would it take for Tucker to confront his feelings honestly?
Does Tucker have any realizations about love by the end of the story?

Dialogue And Voice

Score: 6

Tucker's dialogue often combines wit with a level of self-deprecation, showcasing his charm yet masking his insecurities. As Tucker interacts with Mary and others, his speech reflects his emotional state, swinging from confident to defensive.

Unique Voice: Quirky humor with moments of anxiety and defensiveness.

Suggestions

Enhance Tucker's wit to emphasize his complexity.
Incorporate emotional undertones during serious discussions.

Follow-up Questions

How does Tucker's dialogue change in response to Ted's presence?
What specific phrases could better capture Tucker's unique voice?

Behavior And Choices

Score: 7

Tucker's decisions are frequently influenced by his infatuation with Mary. This leads him to employ dubious tactics to win her over, often putting him at odds with other characters, particularly Healy and Ted.

Motivations: Desires love and acceptance from Mary.

Desires Vs Needs: Desires to win Mary’s affection, but needs to confront his self-doubt.

Suggestions

Show clearer consequences for Tucker's deceptive actions.
Allow Tucker moments where he reflects on his choices.

Follow-up Questions

What consequences could Tucker face due to his manipulations?
How often does Tucker wrestle with the morality of his choices?

Relationship Dynamics

Score: 6

Tucker's relationships with Mary and Ted reveal his motivations and hidden agendas. His interactions often oscillate between genuine affection and manipulative tactics, showcasing the complexity of his emotional landscape.

Suggestions

Deepen the friendship dynamics to show contrasting motivations.
Include more direct interactions with Ted to highlight their rivalry.

Follow-up Questions

How would Tucker's behavior change if he were openly supportive of Ted?
What would happen if Tucker and Mary confronted each other about their feelings?

Scene Impact

Score: 7

Tucker often disrupts scenes with his declarations of love and manipulative tactics, drawing attention to the love triangle and creating tension. He indirectly motivates actions from Healy and Ted, making him a pivotal character in escalating conflicts.

Suggestions

Reinforce Tucker's role as the disruptive force in current relationships.
Create scenarios where Tucker's presence could unexpectedly resolve tension.

Follow-up Questions

What moments highlight Tucker's impact on plot progression?
How can Tucker's scenes be better utilized to influence action?

Role Fulfillment

Score: 6

Tucker plays the role of a well-meaning yet misguided suitor. His rivalry with Ted and fascination with Mary serve as uncomfortable reminders of the complexities of love. He embodies the theme of misguided affection and the importance of honest intentions.

Symbolic Role: The hopeful suitor whose actions contrast with true love.

Suggestions

Strengthen the contrast between Tucker and Ted's romantic approaches.
Subvert Tucker's role as a rival by providing him with redeeming qualities.

Follow-up Questions

How does Tucker’s presence inform the rivalry between Ted and Healy?
What layers of complexity can further define Tucker's role?

Thematic Plot Integration

Score: 6

Tucker's journey parallels the screenplay’s themes of love’s complexities and the lengths one will go to attain it. His experiences serve as both cautionary tales and comedic relief, illustrating the spectrum of romantic pursuits.

Suggestions

Clarify how Tucker’s choices either support or challenge themes.
Develop moments where Tucker’s actions provide critical commentary on love.

Follow-up Questions

What specific moments underscore Tucker's thematic relevance?
How do Tucker's choices reflect larger patterns in romantic relationships?

Emotional Resonance

Score: 7

Tucker's behavior evokes a mix of sympathy and amusement from the audience. His earnest attempts at love, contrasted with his techniques, offer both levity and depth, engaging viewers on multiple emotional levels.

Emotional Impact: Triggers sympathy and comedic relief.

Suggestions

Enhance Tucker's emotional stakes for greater audience connection.
Integrate moments to juxtapose humor and vulnerability.

Follow-up Questions

How can Tucker's emotional moments resonate more with the audience?
What humorous elements could deepen empathy for Tucker?

Personality Types

MBTI: esfp

Tucker exhibits extroverted and feeling traits, often engaging others with humor and charm yet showing emotional depth.

Confidence: 75%

Suggestions

Incorporate more spontaneous decisions to reflect the ESFP archetype.
Highlight Tucker's desire for social connection in various interactions.

Follow-up Questions

What scenarios would challenge Tucker's extroverted nature?
How can Tucker's personality traits affect his relationship with Mary?

Enneagram: 2 (the helper)

Tucker's actions reflect the desire to be loved and needed, often leading him to people-please and manipulate for affection.

Confidence: 80%

Suggestions

Create moments of vulnerability where Tucker's help does not go as planned.
Portray Tucker's attempts to connect more genuinely.

Follow-up Questions

How does Tucker's helper nature inform his interactions with Mary?
What could be a turning point for Tucker to assert his desires?

Key Scenes

Strongest Scene (10)

When Tucker confronts Healy about manipulating Mary, showcasing his emotional depth.

Why: It effectively portrays Tucker's inner conflict and vulnerability.

Weakest Scene (12)

When Tucker exerts unnecessary pressure during group outings, making interactions feel forced.

Why: It shows an imbalance in character dynamics and weakens viewer engagement.

Suggestions:

Introduce moments that allow Tucker to be more reflective rather than aggressive.
Facilitate scenes that allow more authentic dynamics with other characters.

Dom - Score: 57/100

Role

Supporting Character

Personality

MBTI: ESFP
Enneagram: Type 7 - The Enthusiast

Scenes

Strongest: #7

Character Analysis Overview

Foundational Definition 6/10

Supportive friend with a pragmatic side

Complexity And Depth 5/10

Supportive yet flawed character

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis 4/10

Static character focused on supporting Ted

Dialogue And Voice 7/10

Humorous and pragmatic dialogue

Behavior And Choices 6/10

Commits minor ethical breaches for the sake of friendship

Relationship Dynamics 6/10

Strong bond with Ted, but problematic interactions with women

Scene Impact 5/10

Provides comic relief but can detract from tense moments.

Role Fulfillment 6/10

Supportive sidekick with moments of insensitivity.

Thematic Plot Integration 7/10

Highlights friendship's complexities amidst personal flaws.

Emotional Resonance 5/10

A mix of comedy with subtle momentary depth.

Foundational Definition

Score: 6

Dom is primarily presented as a friend and confidant to Ted. He seems to embody a more pragmatic approach to life, encouraging Ted to take risks while also providing humorous support. His character roots stem from a desire to help Ted find happiness, even if that sometimes delves into inappropriate behavior.

Values And Beliefs: Friendship, loyalty, risk-taking

Strengths And Skills: Persuasive, humorous, able to provide comic relief

Suggestions

Further develop Dom's backstory to highlight past experiences that solidified his pragmatic worldview.
Show moments of vulnerability in Dom to create a deeper character connection.

Follow-up Questions

What personal experiences shaped Dom's approach to helping Ted?
How does Dom balance his own desires with the needs of his friends?

Complexity And Depth

Score: 5

While Dom presents as a supportive friend, his attitude towards women shows a lack of respect, which could hint at deeper insecurities or experiences. This presents a conflict where his comedic nature can disguise problematic behavior.

Character Flaws: Objectifies women, can be overly cynical

Suggestions

Introduce more inner conflict for Dom regarding his attitudes toward relationships.
Explore his relationships outside of Ted to enrich his character.

Follow-up Questions

How does Dom's perspective on women affect his relationships?
What interactions with other characters could further highlight his flaws?

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis

Score: 4

Dom maintains a consistent character throughout the screenplay without significant transformation or growth. His primary function is to help Ted navigate his challenges, even if that means engaging in questionable behavior.

Transformation Triggers: Ted's emotional growth throughout the screenplay does have an effect, but Dom remains mostly static.

Suggestions

Create a specific event that forces Dom to reevaluate his perspective on friendship and women.
Consider allowing Dom to evolve towards a more respectful understanding of relationships.

Follow-up Questions

What key moments could trigger a change in Dom's philosophy?
Are there instances where Dom's actions directly contrast Ted's growth?

Dialogue And Voice

Score: 7

His dialogue showcases wit and a knack for comic relief, often using lighthearted banter to navigate conversations with Ted, although it may sometimes verge on insensitivity.

Unique Voice: Dom frequently employs sarcasm and humor, often making light of serious situations.

Suggestions

Vary Dom's dialogue to show more emotional range during key scenes, especially those involving Ted's struggles.
Integrate moments where Dom reflects on his previous statements to show character depth.

Follow-up Questions

How does Dom's humor serve as a coping mechanism for his own struggles?
Are there moments where he could take a more serious approach that would enhance the narrative?

Behavior And Choices

Score: 6

Dom's actions frequently illustrate his desire to support Ted, albeit through unethical avenues at times. This creates tension between friendship and respect for others, particularly concerning romantic interests.

Motivations: To help Ted and encourage risk-taking

Desires Vs Needs: Desires to be a responsible friend, yet often resorts to questionable tactics.

Suggestions

Reveal more consequences of Dom's decisions to create tension between his motives and results.
Show a moment where Dom's advice misleads Ted to further complicate their friendship.

Follow-up Questions

What motivates Dom to occasionally disregard ethical boundaries?
How would Dom react if he realizes the negative impact of his advice on Ted?

Relationship Dynamics

Score: 6

Dom's primary relationship arc revolves around his friendship with Ted. He often acts as the voice of reckless encouragement, but his interactions with women portray an inconsistent and potentially harmful attitude.

Suggestions

Develop Dom's relationship with women to provide a counterbalance to his friendship with Ted, potentially creating conflict.
Involve Dom in a subplot that showcases his romantic interests, further evolving his character.

Follow-up Questions

What moments could challenge Dom's understanding of friendship and respect?
How might Dom's behavior shift in response to Ted's emotional journey?

Scene Impact

Score: 5

Dom's presence generally introduces humor and light-heartedness to the screenplay, which can diffuse tension but may also be misaligned with the emotional stakes of certain scenes.

Suggestions

Balance Dom's comic relief with moments of sincerity, especially during serious discussions between Ted and others.
Use contrasting scenes to highlight how Dom's humor can impact the overall tone.

Follow-up Questions

How do other characters' reactions to Dom impact their arcs?
Can scene placements be adjusted to emphasize the weight of his dialogue?

Role Fulfillment

Score: 6

Dom serves as the confidant and catalyst for Ted's ventures but does so through flawed reasoning. His symbolic role represents the tension between loyalty to friends and respecting others' boundaries.

Symbolic Role: Represents the everyman friend committed to helping despite flaws.

Suggestions

Incorporate setbacks that force Dom to confront his own limitations and insecurities.
Create a moment of choice where Dom must decide between friendship and ethics.

Follow-up Questions

What could push Dom to reconsider his role in Ted's life?
How does he handle his own vulnerabilities in the face of Ted's emotional revelations?

Thematic Plot Integration

Score: 7

Dom's character adds layers to the screenplay's theme about the nature of friendship, identity, and the complexities of romantic pursuit. His conflicting attitudes challenge conventional ideas about support and respect.

Suggestions

Integrate themes of male friendship and rivalry through Dom's actions.
Enhance intersections between Dom's character arc and broader thematic elements.

Follow-up Questions

How do Dom's actions reinforce or contradict the screenplay's main themes?
What thematic moments could reshape Dom's character journey?

Emotional Resonance

Score: 5

Dom elicits bemusement more than deep emotional resonance through his actions. However, when he highlights friendships' flaws, audiences may experience sympathy mixed with frustration toward both him and Ted.

Emotional Impact: Slightly humorous relief interspersed with moments of insensitivity.

Suggestions

Focus on moments that humanize Dom further, encouraging empathy.
Involve Dom in heart-wrenching situations where humor fails to resonate.

Follow-up Questions

How might we alter scenes to enhance emotional impact in Dom's interactions?
What moments could draw sympathy even from those frustrated by his actions?

Personality Types

MBTI: esfp

Dom's outgoing nature and focus on the present moment highlight his ESFP tendencies. He enjoys engaging with others, often using humor to diffuse tension.

Confidence: 80%

Possible Alternative Type: enfp (70%)

Suggestions

Utilize Dom's spontaneity in scenes to explore emotional depth.
Create moments of decisiveness that illustrate his ESFP traits.

Follow-up Questions

How does Dom's extroverted nature affect his interactions?
Could certain scenes explore his gap between spontaneity and commitment?

Enneagram: type 7 - the enthusiast

Dom's love for adventure and avoidance of pain highlights his Enneagram Type 7 traits. He often seeks enjoyment but may overlook the deeper nuances of relationships.

Confidence: 75%

Possible Alternative Type: type 6 - the loyalist (60%)

Suggestions

Show moments where Dom’s enthusiasm turns into superficial connections.
Explore how his loyalty to Ted can also create conflict.

Follow-up Questions

In what ways could Dom's enthusiasm lead to mistakes?
How would his commitment to Ted's journey present challenges for him?

Key Scenes

Strongest Scene (7)

Dom offers insight into Ted's character and encourages him to pursue Mary.

Why: Dom's insights highlight his loyalty and commitment to seeing Ted happy, showcasing his supportive essence and his humorous, yet pragmatic side.

Weakest Scene (0)

Dom's first introduction isn’t very impactful, showcasing him mainly as comic relief.

Why: This leaves little room to connect with his deeper motivations or complexities.

Suggestions:

Add more interaction between Dom and other characters to enhance depth during introductions.
Reveal a small backstory tidbit earlier to engage the audience's curiosity.

Magda - Score: 65/100

Role

Supporting Character

Personality

MBTI: ESFJ
Enneagram: 2 (The Helper)

Scenes

Strongest: #12

Character Analysis Overview

Foundational Definition 7/10

Caregiver and source of comedic relief.

Complexity And Depth 6/10

Shows vulnerability and wisdom.

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis 5/10

Remains a constant source of support for Mary.

Dialogue And Voice 7/10

Strong, humorous voice with wisdom.

Behavior And Choices 6/10

Protective yet comedic behavior.

Relationship Dynamics 8/10

Supportive relationship with Mary.

Scene Impact 7/10

Provides comic relief and emotional insight.

Role Fulfillment 6/10

Functions as both mentor and comic relief.

Thematic Plot Integration 7/10

Intertwines with themes of love and friendship.

Emotional Resonance 6/10

Enhances emotional engagement and relatability.

Foundational Definition

Score: 7

Magda is an older woman who plays a crucial role as a caregiver to Mary, providing both emotional support and comic relief. Her background is hinted at by her assertive personality and the casual banter with Mary, suggesting she has lived enough to offer wisdom while still being engaged in the younger generation's lives.

Values And Beliefs: Values loyalty and friendship; believes in looking out for those she cares about.

Strengths And Skills: Strong-willed, knowledgeable about interpersonal relationships, and has a knack for humor.

Suggestions

Include more backstory that highlights her past relationships or experiences.
Elaborate on her relationships with other characters to deepen her impact.

Follow-up Questions

What experiences shaped Magda into the strong character she is today?
How does Magda perceive the relationships occurring in Mary's life?

Complexity And Depth

Score: 6

While Magda presents a tough exterior, there are hints of vulnerability in her character, especially about her past and her feelings towards love and companionship. It would enrich her character if her emotional wounds or longings are explored, providing a detailed emotional landscape that adds depth to her interactions.

Character Wound: Possibly experiences loneliness or regret from past relationships.

Character Flaws: Can be overly blunt, which might alienate others at times.

Suggestions

Reveal more about her personal struggles or joys.
Include a moment of vulnerability to humanize her more.

Follow-up Questions

What past relationships has Magda experienced that influenced her perspective on love?
How does Magda cope with her moments of vulnerability?

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis

Score: 5

Magda serves primarily as a supportive character who remains stable throughout the screenplay. Her purpose is to provide wisdom and humor to Mary’s life, leading to an overall increase in her character's value without significant change. This stasis could be enhanced with a subplot that challenges her stability or reveals her desires.

Polarity Changes: None.

Suggestions

Introduce a challenge that tests her relationship with Mary.
Explore a subplot that allows her character to evolve.

Follow-up Questions

Could Magda have a moment where she confronts her own feelings about being alone?
What situations could arise that would test Magda's stability?

Dialogue And Voice

Score: 7

Magda's dialogue combines humor with wisdom, creating a balance that enhances her relationship with Mary. Her distinctive voice could be emphasized more, potentially by adding unique expressions or catchphrases that reflect her personality.

Unique Voice: Blunt with a comedic edge; provides comic relief and insight into Mary’s character.

Suggestions

Develop specific catchphrases or recurring jokes to highlight her character.
Explore variations in tone to showcase her emotional responses.

Follow-up Questions

What phrase or behavior of Magda's best encapsulates her character?
How does her humor influence the dynamic with characters like Mary?

Behavior And Choices

Score: 6

Magda's actions largely stem from a desire to see Mary happy and fulfilled, but her methods can sometimes be overly blunt or invasive. Enhancing her internal conflict between her protective instincts and respect for Mary’s autonomy could add depth.

Motivations: To safeguard Mary and provide guidance as a mentor figure.

Desires Vs Needs: Desires connection and friendship while needing to impart wisdom.

Suggestions

Introduce situations where her protective nature conflicts with Mary's independence.
Explore more of her motivations and needs in relationships.

Follow-up Questions

In what scenarios does Magda's protectiveness become counterproductive?
How does Mary respond when Magda oversteps boundaries?

Relationship Dynamics

Score: 8

Magda serves as a grounding force for Mary, providing both counsel and comfort. Their relationship reveals dimensions of loyalty and friendship that are both comical and heartfelt. It would be great to show how Magda's presence influences Mary's decisions while also exploring how their relationship might evolve as Mary grows.

Suggestions

Introduce scenes that deepen their emotional connection.
Explore dynamics with other characters to contrast with her relationship with Mary.

Follow-up Questions

How does Magda's advice impact Mary's romantic choices?
What does Mary provide for Magda in their relationship?

Scene Impact

Score: 7

Magda’s actions and comments often shift the emotional tone of the scenes, injecting humor while also showcasing her protective instincts towards Mary. Making her a more central figure in critical emotional moments could strengthen her character's influence.

Suggestions

Include more scenes where she directly influences critical situations.
Highlight moments where she shifts the tone, positively or negatively.

Follow-up Questions

What comedic moments best represent her character's role?
How can Magda's presence escalate tension in a scene?

Role Fulfillment

Score: 6

Magda fulfills the role of a mentor and comic relief within the screenplay. She supports Mary while providing levity to serious moments. Enforcing this balance effectively throughout the film could enhance both her impact and the overall tone.

Suggestions

Strengthen her mentorship role by giving her more wisdom to impart.
Balance her humor with moments that show her depth and complexity.

Follow-up Questions

How could her mentoring influence Mary's growth over the story?
In what ways could Magda's humor be utilized to enhance emotional depth?

Thematic Plot Integration

Score: 7

Magda's character ties into the central themes of love and friendship, as she embodies the support system for Mary through her romantic discoveries. More exploration of how her presence reflects the broader themes could strengthen her narrative role.

Suggestions

Integrate her character into major thematic discussions occurring in the screenplay.
Show her reactions and perspectives on Mary's development to highlight the themes.

Follow-up Questions

How is Magda affected by the decisions Mary makes throughout the story?
What thematic elements are highlighted through Magda's interactions?

Emotional Resonance

Score: 6

Magda's character evokes sympathy and laughter, making her relatable to the audience. By introducing more specific emotional moments that resonate, the impact of her character can deepen significantly.

Emotional Impact: Relatable warmth and humor.

Suggestions

Highlight her emotional backstory to invoke deeper feelings.
Include scenes where her vulnerabilities shine through.

Follow-up Questions

What emotional moments resonate most with the audience through Magda?
How do audiences perceive her advice and its impact on Mary?

Personality Types

MBTI: esfj

Magda's nurturing, supportive personality aligns with ESFJ traits, placing emphasis on community and relationships.

Confidence: 80%

Suggestions

Deepen her emotional engagements to align with ESFJ characteristics.
Magnify how her decisions shape her relationships.

Follow-up Questions

In what ways does her ESFJ personality affect her interactions with Mary?
What decisions reflect her belief in nurturing relationships?

Enneagram: 2 (the helper)

Magda exhibits strong 2 traits, such as concern for others and a desire to help and support, often at her own emotional risk.

Confidence: 75%

Suggestions

Explore boundaries regarding her help to provide growth opportunities.
Show moments where her desire to help clashes with her own needs.

Follow-up Questions

How do her 2 tendencies shape her relationships with others?
What challenges does she face that could arise from her helper nature?

Key Scenes

Strongest Scene (12)

Magda's commentary about relationships and the dynamics she observes between Mary and other characters.

Why: This scene showcases her wisdom while contributing humor that highlights her protective nature.

Weakest Scene (0)

none

Why: none

Suggestions:

none
none

Theme

Theme Details

Theme Explanation

Love (30%)

Ted's unrequited love for Mary, Mary's past relationship with Steve, Healy's infatuation with Mary, and the eventual love between Ted and Mary

The film explores the complexities of love, including the pain of unrequited love, the challenges of past relationships, and the unexpected joys of finding love in unexpected places.

Strengthening Love:

Suggestion Type	How to Strengthen the Theme
Dialogue - Scene 1	In Ted's initial approach to Renise, emphasize his nervousness and hesitation. This will establish his vulnerability and make his subsequent pursuit of Mary more relatable.
Action - Scene 3	In the scene where Mary and Ted walk home after Warren's fight, have Mary initiate the conversation about going to prom together. This will demonstrate her interest in Ted and make their connection more proactive.
Visual - Scene 11	In the scene where Healy follows Mary, use subtle visual cues to convey his growing fascination with her. This can include lingering shots of her at the gym, tracking her movements, or capturing his reactions to her interactions with others.
Character Arc - Scene Multiple	Throughout the screenplay, highlight Ted's journey of self-discovery and growth. Show him facing obstacles, learning from his mistakes, and ultimately coming to a better understanding of himself and his relationships.
Story Arc - Scene Overall	Emphasize the theme of love as a transformative force that can overcome adversity. Show how Ted and Mary's love for each other inspires them to support and care for one another, despite the challenges they face.

Friendship (25%)

The close friendship between Ted and Dom, Mary's friendship with Brenda, Lisa, and Joanie, and the unlikely friendship between Healy and Mary

The film emphasizes the importance of friendship in providing support, comfort, and a sense of belonging.

Loss and Grief (20%)

Ted's grief over losing Mary, Healy's loss of his mother, and Warren's loss of his brother

The film explores the emotional toll of loss and grief, and the ways in which people cope with these experiences.

Identity and Self-Acceptance (15%)

Ted's struggle with his own self-perception, Mary's acceptance of her own body, and Healy's search for a sense of purpose

The film explores the challenges and rewards of self-acceptance and finding one's place in the world.

Betrayal and Deception (10%)

Dom's betrayal of Ted, Healy's lies to Mary, and Tucker's manipulation of Mary

The film examines the consequences of betrayal and deception, and the importance of trust in relationships.

Screenwriting Resources on Themes

Articles

Site	Description
Studio Binder	Movie Themes: Examples of Common Themes for Screenwriters
Coverfly	Improving your Screenplay's theme
John August	Writing from Theme

YouTube Videos

Title	Description
Story, Plot, Genre, Theme - Screenwriting Basics	Screenwriting basics - beginner video
What is theme	Discussion on ways to layer theme into a screenplay.
Thematic Mistakes You're Making in Your Script	Common Theme mistakes and Philosophical Conflicts

Robert McKee: "The audience doesn’t go to the movies to see plot; they go to feel emotion, to be moved."

Scene by Scene Emotions

Goals and Philosophical Conflict
internal Goals	The protagonist's internal and external goals revolve around his desire for connection, acceptance, and closure in his relationships, particularly with his high school crush Mary
External Goals	The protagonist's external goals focus on securing a prom date, navigating social dynamics, and searching for Mary after she moves away
Philosophical Conflict	The overarching philosophical conflict lies in the clash between appearances and reality, honesty and deception, and authenticity versus superficiality.

Character Development Contribution: The goals and conflicts contribute to the protagonist's growth by challenging his beliefs and values, pushing him to confront his insecurities, and ultimately leading to self-discovery and understanding.

Narrative Structure Contribution: The goals and conflicts drive the narrative forward by creating tension, obstacles, and moments of revelation that propel the protagonist's journey towards resolution and growth.

Thematic Depth Contribution: The goals and conflicts deepen the thematic exploration of love, relationships, trust, and self-acceptance, highlighting the complexities of human connections and the importance of authenticity and honesty in personal interactions.

Screenwriting Resources on Goals and Philosophical Conflict

Articles

Site	Description
Creative Screenwriting	How Important Is A Character’s Goal?
Studio Binder	What is Conflict in a Story? A Quick Reminder of the Purpose of Conflict

YouTube Videos

Title	Description
How I Build a Story's Philosophical Conflict	How do you build philosophical conflict into your story? Where do you start? And how do you develop it into your characters and their external actions. Today I’m going to break this all down and make it fully clear in this episode.
Endings: The Good, the Bad, and the Insanely Great	By Michael Arndt: I put this lecture together in 2006, when I started work at Pixar on Toy Story 3. It looks at how to write an "insanely great" ending, using Star Wars, The Graduate, and Little Miss Sunshine as examples. 90 minutes
Tips for Writing Effective Character Goals	By Jessica Brody (Save the Cat!): Writing character goals is one of the most important jobs of any novelist. But are your character's goals...mushy?

What's going on here? - Scenes are rated on many critreia. The goal isn't to try to maximize every number; \ It's to make you aware of what's happening in your scenes. You might have very good reasons to have character development but not advance the story, or have a scene without conflict. Obviously if your dialogue is really bad, you should probably look into that.

Abbreviate Headers

Story Content

Character Development

Scene Elements

Audience Engagement

Technical Aspects

			Story Content			Character Development				Scene Elements					Audience Engagement				Technical Aspects
Click for Full Analysis	Tone	Overall	Concept	Plot	Originality	Characters	Character Changes	Internal Goal	External Goal	Conflict	Opposition	High stakes	Story forward	Twist	Emotional Impact	Dialogue	Engagement	Pacing	Formatting	Structure
1 - Prom Proposal Mishaps	Awkward, Casual, Humorous	8	8	7	8	9	5	8	7	7	7	5	7	6	6	8	8	8	9	9
2 - An Unexpected Encounter at School	Humorous, Dramatic, Sarcastic	8	8	7	9	8	6	8	7	8	8	7	8	7	7	9	9	8	8	8
3 - Awkward Promposal	Humorous, Heartfelt, Disappointing	8	8	7	8	8	6	8	7	6	8	6	7	7	8	7	9	8	8	8
4 - Awkward Encounter with Warren	Humorous, Awkward, Playful	8	7	7	9	8	4	8	7	6	7	4	6	8	5	7	9	8	8	8
5 - Stuck in the Loo	Humorous, Awkward, Playful	8	8	7	9	8	4	8	7.5	5	8	3	6	7	7	9	9	8	8	8
6 - Bathroom Nightmare	Humorous, Embarrassing, Sarcastic	8	8	7	8	8	4	8	7.5	6	7	4	7	8	5	7	9	8.5	8	8
7 - Ted's Empty Chair	Humorous, Reflective, Sarcastic	8	8	7	9	9	7	8	7	6	7	5	7	7	7	8	9	8	8	8
8 - Finding Mary	Humorous, Reflective, Nostalgic	8	8	7	8	8	7	8	7	6	7	6	7	7	8	7	9	8	8	8
9 - Ted's Meeting with Patrick Healy	Sarcastic, Suspenseful, Humorous	8	8	8	8	7	5	8	7	6	8	7	8	8	6	9	9	9	9	9
10 - The Temptation	Humorous, Sarcastic, Confrontational	8	8	7	9	9	7	8	7	7	8	6	8	7	6	8	9	8	8	8
11 - Morning Routine: Mary and Magda	Humorous, Quirky, Heartwarming	8	7	8	9	9	5	8	7	5	7	4	8	7	7	7	9	8	8	8
12 - The Ideal Man	Humorous, Reflective, Sarcastic	8	8	7	8	9	6	8	7	4	6	3	5	7	7	9	9	8	9	9
13 - Sully and Healy's Surveillance	Humorous, Suspenseful, Dark	8	8	7	9	7	6	8	7.5	8	8	7	8	8	6	6	9	8.5	8	8
14 - Ted's Disappointing News	Humorous, Sarcastic, Melancholic	7	7	6	9	8	6	8	7	6	7	5	7	8	7	8	9	8	8	8
15 - Ted's Devastating Discovery	Humorous, Reflective, Surprising	8	8	7	9	9	8	8	7	6	7	5	7	8	7	8	9	8	8	8
16 - Healy's Failed Attempt to Impress	Light-hearted, Playful, Flirtatious	8	7	7	8	8	4	8	7	3	6	2	6	6	6	7	8	8	9	9
17 - Heartfelt Connections and Hidden Struggles	Humorous, Emotional, Quirky	8	7	7	9	8	6	8	7.5	4	8	3	7	9	7	9	9	8.5	8	8
18 - Office Visit and Unresolved Past	Humorous, Reflective, Emotional	8	8	7	9	8	7	8	7	6	7	6	7	7	8	7	9	8	8	8
19 - Healy's Misadventures with Puffy the Dog	Humorous, Suspenseful, Quirky	8	8	7	9	8	4	8	7	6	7	4	7	8	5	7	9	8	8	8
20 - Architectural Encounter	Light-hearted, Sarcastic, Emotional	8	7	7	9	9	5	8	7.5	6	8	4	7	9	7	8	9	8.5	8	8
21 - Rest Area Bust	Humorous, Light-hearted, Sarcastic	7	7	6	9	7	4	8	7	6	7	3	6	8	4	8	9	8	8	8
22 - Cotton Candy and Confessions	Humorous, Romantic, Dramatic	8	8	7	9	9	6	8	7	5	6	4	7	7	7	8	9	8	8	8
23 - Interrogation Room Confrontation	Agitated, Surprised, Awkward, Playful, Intrigued	8	8	7	9	9	6	8	7.5	7	8	6	8	9	7	8	9	8.5	8.5	8
24 - Unraveling Truths and Troubled Connections	Humorous, Suspenseful, Emotional	8	8	7	9	8	7	8	7	7	7	7	8	8	8	7	9	8	8	8
25 - Healy's Deceit Unmasked	Humorous, Emotional, Sarcastic	8	8	7	9	9	7	8	7.5	6	8	6	7	9	8	8	9	8.5	8	8
26 - Healy's Confession and Courtship	Humorous, Romantic, Awkward	8	7	7	9	8	6	8	7	5	7	4	7	8	6	7	9	8	8	8
27 - Unexpected Reunion	Romantic, Humorous, Nostalgic	8	8	7	8	8	7	8	7.5	6	8	6	8	8	9	7	9	8.5	8	8
28 - Bananas and Sex	Humorous, Romantic, Light-hearted	8	7	7	8	8	5	8	6	3	7	4	6	6	7	9	8	8	9	9
29 - The Reveal	Romantic, Suspenseful, Emotional, Humorous	8	8	8	9	7	8	8	7	8	8	8	8	8	9	7	9	8	8	8
30 - Awkward Interruption	Suspenseful, Humorous, Nervous, Shocking	8	7	8	9	7	6	8	7	6	8	5	7	7	6	8	9	9	8	8
31 - Unexpected Encounters	Suspenseful, Emotional, Humorous	8	7	8	9	8	8	8	7	9	8	8	8	8	8	7	9	8	8	8
32 - Stalker Revealed	Tense, Revealing, Confrontational	8	8	8	9	8	7	8	7	9	8	8	8	7	8	7	9	8	8	8
33 - Corndogs and Conspirators	Humorous, Suspenseful, Romantic	8	7	8	8	9	6	8	7	7	6	6	8	6	7	8	9	8	8	8
34 - The Chaos of Mary's Stoop	Humorous, Romantic, Suspenseful	8	8	7	8	7	5	8	7	7	8	6	7	9	6	7	9	8	8	8
35 - A Confrontation on the Pier	Emotional, Humorous, Dramatic	8	8	8	8	9	8	9	7	9	8	8	8	8	9	7	9	9	9	9
36 - Confrontation in Sully's Apartment	Tense, Humorous, Emotional	8	7	9	9	8	7	8	7	9	8	8	9	9	8	7	9	8	8	8
37 - Dom's Desperate Return	Suspenseful, Humorous, Dramatic	8	8	7	9	9	7	8	7	8	8	7	8	8	7	8	9	9	8	8
38 - Return JSON Response	Humorous, Dramatic, Sarcastic	8	8	7	9	8	7	8	7	8	7	7	8	8	7	8	9	8	8	8
39 - Miraculous Love	Romantic, Dark, Comedic	8	8	7	9	8	7	8	7	8	7	7	8	9	8	7	9	8	8	8

Summary of Scene Level Analysis

Here are some things that came out of the scene level analysis.
This is a summary of the strengths, weaknesses, and suggestions found in each scene. Some things might appear in both strengths and weaknesses based on the variety of your scenes.
For summary of each criteria click in the top row on the criteria.

Scene Strengths

Engaging dialogue
Well-developed characters
Humorous tone
Character dynamics
Blend of genres and tones

Scene Weaknesses

Lack of significant character development
Low emotional impact
Limited character development
Some elements may feel contrived
Some elements of humor may not resonate with all audiences

Suggestions

Focus on character development to enhance emotional impact
Avoid cliched scenarios and try to offer fresh perspectives
Ensure consistency of tone throughout the screenplay
Continue to blend genres, but ensure cohesion in the story
Refine comedic elements to ensure universal appeal
Further exploration of character dynamics to deepen relationships
Consider implementing higher stakes to increase tension and conflict
Review the dialogue for authenticity and impact
Be mindful of potentially awkward or uncomfortable moments
Avoid forced or melodramatic dialogue

World Building

Physical environment: The screenplay takes place in various settings, including a high school, suburban neighborhoods, private homes, a psychiatrist's office, a driving range, a bar, an apartment building, a doctor's office, a prison, and various urban and rural locations. The physical environment in the screenplay reflects the diversity of characters and their experiences.
Culture: The screenplay is set in the United States, primarily in the 1980s, and it reflects the cultural norms and values of that time. The characters exhibit a range of relationships, including romantic, familial, and platonic, and they navigate the challenges of adolescence, adulthood, and relationships.
Society: The screenplay depicts a modern society that is characterized by social hierarchies, economic disparities, and access to technology. Issues of social class, mental health, and the criminal justice system are explored through the experiences of the characters.
Technology: The screenplay incorporates various technological elements, including telephones, televisions, radios, cars, and computers, which reflect the changing technological landscape of the time period. Technology plays a role in shaping the characters' communication, relationships, and access to information.
Characters influence: The world elements in the screenplay shape the characters' experiences and actions in several ways. The physical environment influences their interactions, relationships, and sense of place, while the cultural norms and values shape their behavior and aspirations. The societal structure influences their access to resources, opportunities, and justice, and the technological elements influence their ability to communicate, connect, and gather information.
Narrative contribution: The world elements in the screenplay contribute to the narrative by providing context, setting the tone, and creating conflict and tension. The physical environment provides the backdrop for the characters' actions and experiences, while the cultural norms and values influence their motivations and choices. The societal structure sets up the power dynamics and social interactions between the characters, and the technological elements facilitate communication and create opportunities for plot development.
Thematic depth contribution: The world elements in the screenplay contribute to the thematic depth by exploring various social, psychological, and philosophical themes. The physical environment reflects the themes of isolation and alienation, while the cultural norms and values explore themes of identity, conformity, and individuality. The societal structure highlights themes of power, justice, and inequality, and the technological elements explore themes of connection, privacy, and surveillance.

Voice Analysis
Summary:	The writer's voice is characterized by witty dialogue, realistic character interactions, and a blend of humor and vulnerability.
Voice Contribution	The writer's voice contributes to the script by adding depth and authenticity to the characters, enhancing the emotional resonance of the scenes, and creating a memorable and engaging screenplay.
Best Representation Scene	3 - Awkward Promposal
Best Scene Explanation	This scene effectively encapsulates the writer's unique voice through its blend of humor, realism, and relatable character dynamics. The awkwardness of Ted's situation, the unexpected kindness of Mary's father, and the hilarious misunderstanding regarding Tourette's syndrome all contribute to a memorable and engaging scene.

Style and Similarities

The screenplay exhibits a blend of writing styles, primarily influenced by the works of John Hughes, Judd Apatow, and Quentin Tarantino. The scenes often capture the essence of teenage experiences, relationships, and coming-of-age themes. The dialogue is witty and engaging, with a focus on character-driven narratives and comedic elements. However, the screenplay also incorporates elements of drama and suspense, resulting in a diverse and dynamic overall writing style.

Style Similarities:

Writer	Explanation
John Hughes	Hughes' influence is evident in several scenes, particularly those that revolve around high school dynamics, relatable characters, and humorous situations. The screenplay captures the essence of teenage experiences and coming-of-age themes, similar to Hughes' iconic films like "The Breakfast Club" and "Ferris Bueller's Day Off."
Judd Apatow	Apatow's style is reflected in scenes that blend comedy and drama effectively. The screenplay explores family dynamics in a humorous way, akin to Apatow's productions like "Knocked Up" and "This Is 40."
Quentin Tarantino	Tarantino's influence manifests in scenes characterized by sharp dialogue, witty banter, and unexpected twists. The screenplay incorporates elements of suspense and dark humor, reminiscent of Tarantino's signature style in films like "Pulp Fiction" and "Inglourious Basterds."

Other Similarities: It's important to note that while these three screenwriters are identified as dominant influences, the screenplay also draws from the styles of other notable writers, such as Cameron Crowe, Nora Ephron, and Aaron Sorkin. The overall writing style is a cohesive blend of various influences, resulting in a well-rounded and engaging screenplay.

Top Correlations and patterns found in the scenes:

Pattern	Explanation
Tone and Overall Grade	Scenes with multiple tones tend to have lower overall grades than scenes with a single, consistent tone.
Character Changes and Emotional Impact	Scenes with significant character changes tend to have higher emotional impact on the audience.
Dialogue and Plot	Scenes with strong dialogue tend to have clearer and more engaging plots.
Emotional Impact and Move Story Forward	Scenes with high emotional impact tend to be more effective at moving the story forward.
Conflict and High Stakes	Scenes with strong conflicts and high stakes tend to be more engaging and memorable for the audience.

Writer's Craft Overall Analysis

Based on the analysis of the provided scenes, the writer demonstrates a strong foundation in storytelling and character development, with a clear voice and unique style. The ability to blend humor, drama, suspense, and romance effectively creates engaging and entertaining narratives. However, there are opportunities for improvement in refining dialogue, enhancing emotional depth, and exploring complex character motivations to elevate the overall writing craft.

Key Improvement Areas

Dialogue

Several scenes highlight the need for stronger and more authentic dialogue. Enhancing the natural flow of conversations, incorporating subtext, and exploring the emotional undercurrents will add depth to character interactions.

Emotional Depth

While the scenes effectively portray emotions, there's room to delve deeper into characters' inner conflicts, motivations, and vulnerabilities. Exploring the complexities of human emotions will create more resonant and impactful storytelling.

Character Development

The scenes establish intriguing characters, but further exploration of their backgrounds, desires, and fears will enhance their dimensionality. Providing a richer understanding of characters' psychologies will make them more relatable and compelling.

Suggestions

Type	Suggestion	Rationale
Screenplay	Read 'The Anatomy of Story' by John Truby	This book provides a comprehensive understanding of story structure, character development, and the emotional journey, aiding in crafting more impactful narratives.
Exercise	Practice writing dialogue-driven scenes with conflicting motivationsPractice In SceneProv	This exercise helps refine dialogue skills, create tension, and explore the complexities of character relationships.
Course	Enroll in a character development workshop	Structured workshops offer guided exercises, feedback, and insights specifically focused on developing well-rounded and relatable characters.
Screenplay	Study 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' screenplay by Charlie Kaufman	This screenplay showcases exceptional depth in character portrayal, emotional exploration, and unique storytelling techniques that can inspire and enhance the writer's craft.
Video	Watch interviews with acclaimed screenwriters discussing character development	Listening to the perspectives and experiences of successful screenwriters can provide valuable insights into the art of creating memorable characters.

Additional Notes: The writer's ability to craft engaging and entertaining scenes is evident throughout. With dedication to refining dialogue, exploring emotional depth, and developing compelling characters, the writer has the potential to elevate their screenwriting skills to new heights.

Here are different Tropes found in the screenplay

Trope	Trope Details	Trope Explanation
Love Triangle	Ted loves Mary but Mary loves Healy.	A love triangle is a romantic relationship involving three people, where two of them are in love with the same person.
Unlucky Protagonist	Ted is unlucky and a loser.	An unlucky protagonist is a character who seems to be cursed with bad luck, and everything that could go wrong does.
Stalking	Healy stalks Mary.	Stalking is the act of following or harassing someone, often with the intent of causing fear or harm.
Unrequited Love	Ted loves Mary but Mary does not love him.	Unrequited love is a one-sided romantic relationship, where one person loves another person who does not love them back.
Mentor	Ted's friend Dom is his mentor.	A mentor is a wise and experienced person who guides and supports a younger or less experienced person.
Quirky Sidekick	Ted's friend Dom is his quirky sidekick.	A quirky sidekick is a character who is often eccentric, funny, or unusual, and who provides comic relief or support to the protagonist.
Foreshadowing	The scene where Ted gets his genitals stuck in his zipper foreshadows the later scene where Puffy the dog gets fire.	Foreshadowing is a literary device used to hint at or suggest something that will happen later in the story.
Red Herring	The scene where Ted is interrogated by Detectives Franeck and Cavallo is a red herring.	A red herring is a misleading clue or event that is introduced to distract the reader or audience from the real truth.
deus ex machina	Ted is hit by a bus and then a car, but miraculously survives.	A deus ex machina is a plot device that solves a problem in a seemingly impossible or contrived way.
After the End	The final scene of the movie takes place after the main conflict has been resolved.	After the end is a narrative device that shows what happens to the characters after the main conflict of the story has been resolved.

Memorable lines in the script:

Scene Number	Line
31	Tucker: I LOVE HER, OKAY?!
39	Mary: I love you too, Ted. I think I always have.
8	TED: Crushes don't last twelve years.
1	Renise: I think I was very clear, Ted. If everything else falls apart, maybe.
7	Dom: You're a real glass-is-half-empty guy. You got a fucking guardian angel, man.

Some Loglines to consider:

A high schooler hires a private investigator to help him track down his old crush, but the investigator's lies and criminal past put his chances in danger.
Ted hires a P.I. to help him reconnect with his high school crush, Mary, but Mary's friend and their own relationship issues threaten their happiness.
After hiring a private investigator to find his old crush, a high schooler's chances with her are put at risk due to the P.I.'s lies and criminal past.
Ted and Mary's chance at happiness is threatened by those around them when they finally connect on a deeper level after years apart.
A nervous high school student hires a private investigator to find his old crush, but lies and deceit from those around them put their happiness in danger.

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There's Something About Mary
Screenplay by

Ed Decter & John J. Strauss

and

Peter Farrelly & Bobby Farrelly

Story by Ed Decter & John J. Strauss

(FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY)

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT
OCTOBER 21, 1997

FADE IN:

EXT. CUMBERLAND, RHODE ISLAND HIGH SCHOOL - MORNING

It's the early 1980's and everyone is arriving at school. We push
through the parking lot crowd to a nervous, lanky kid, TED
PELOQUIN.

MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
When I was sixteen years old I fell in
love...

CLOSE ON - RENISE, a tough girl with stringy brown hair and a
shiny forehead, as she turns toward the camera.

TED
Hey, Renise.

She barely looks at him as he approaches, just drags on her smoke.

RENISE
Hey.

TED
So what's up?

RENISE
Eh.

TED
Great. Great.
(beat)
So listen, uh, I was wondering if maybe you
wanted to go to the prom you know, with
me.

Renise looks unenthused.

TED (cont'd)
It's no big deal, whatever I mean, if you
want.

RENISE
See, the thing is, I heard a rumor that
this guy I like was gonna ask me.

TED
Uh-huh.

RENISE
Yeah, so...I'm gonna wait and see what
happens there...But that sounds great,
yeah.

Ted nods, confused.

TED
Okay.
(beat)
So is that a yes or a no?

RENISE
I think I was very clear, Ted. If
everything else falls apart, maybe.

Renise throws down her butt and storms off.

TED
I'm gonna hold you to that.

CUT TO:

Genres: Comedy, Romance
Tone: Awkward, Casual, Humorous

Summary In a high school parking lot, Ted nervously asks Renise to prom. Renise, unenthusiastic, informs him she's waiting for someone else to ask her. Ted, confused, agrees to wait for her decision. Renise abruptly leaves, leaving Ted perplexed.

Strengths

Witty dialogue
Character dynamics
Establishing tone and conflict

Weaknesses

Lack of significant character development
Low emotional impact

General Critique

The scene lacks depth and emotional connection between Ted and Renise. Their interaction feels superficial and lacks chemistry.
The dialogue is somewhat awkward and doesn't flow naturally, making it hard for the audience to connect with the characters.
Renise's response to Ted's prom invitation is unclear and leaves the audience confused about her true feelings.
There is a lack of tension or conflict in the scene, making it feel flat and unengaging.
The scene could benefit from more character development and backstory to make the interaction more meaningful and impactful.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider adding more subtext and nuance to Ted and Renise's conversation to create a more engaging and emotionally resonant scene.
Work on improving the dialogue to make it more realistic and reflective of the characters' personalities.
Add more conflict or tension to the scene to create a more dynamic and compelling interaction between Ted and Renise.
Provide more context or backstory to help the audience understand the characters' motivations and emotions in the scene.
Consider revising the scene to focus on building a stronger connection between Ted and Renise, making their interaction more meaningful and memorable.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE SCHOOL PARKING LOT

ANGLE ON - a pretty girl, MARY, climbing off a ten-speed in the
school parking lot. She's athletic and tanned and doesn't have a
bad bone in her body.

MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
Her name was Mary. She'd moved to our
little Rhode Island town from Minnesota two
years earlier.

She locks up the bike and starts walking toward the school.

MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
Mary was very smart, and very cool, and she
had a faceful of eyes that promised you a
better life if you could only know her.
As she approaches the camera, we PAN to see Ted watching her. He's
sitting on a picnic table with two FRIENDS.

FRIEND #1
Hey, dirtbud, who you going to the prom
with?

Finally Ted takes his eyes off Mary.

TED
Ah, I don't know if I'm even gonna. You
know, not my style.

FRIEND #2
You have a style?

FRIEND #1
Why don't you be a gentleman and ask Rosey?

TED
(perks up)
Who?

Friend #1 makes a jerk-off motion.

FRIEND #1
Rosey Palm, your girlfriend. God knows you
spend enough fucking time with her.

The guys LAUGH.

TED
(out of ammo but doesn't
know it)
Yeah, and who are you gonna take, your own
palm?

His friends stare at him.

FRIEND #1
Clever. I like the way you just spun that
around on me.

Friend #2 notices Mary talking to her FRIENDS.

FRIEND #2
I wonder who she's going with.

FRIEND #1
Some guy named Woogie.

TED
Who?

FRIEND #1
Big guy--goes to Barrington high school.
This irks Ted.

TED
Woogie from Borrington high? Sounds like
a loser.

FRIEND #1
Loser? Woogie was all-state football and
and basketball and valedictorian of his
class.

FRIEND #2
I heard he got a scholarship to Princeton
but he's going to Europe first to model.

This takes the wind out of Ted's sails.

FRIEND #3
Yeah and he's got a huge cock.

Everyone looks at him.

FRIEND #3 (cont'd)
I heard.

Suddenly Friend #1 NOTICES something.

FRIEND #1
Hey, check it out.

THEIR POV - A large, goofy YOUNG MAN with an unfashionable
crewcut comes walking up the street. He's in his early twenties
and though the weather is mild he's WEARING EARMUFFS. He
approaches a GROUP OF KIDS sitting on a car hood.

EAR-MUFF GUY
You seen my baseball?

CAR HOOD KID #2
No.

The kids watch as the Ear-Muff Guy approaches another group.

EAR-MUFF GUY
You seen my baseball?

ON CAR HOOD KIDS

CAR HOOD KID #1
(to his buddies)
This guy must be in the 'tard squad.
(to Ear-Muff Guy)
Hey, buddy, come here, I think I know where
your ball is.

The Ear-Muff Guy heads back to the car.
EAR-MUFF GUY
You seen my baseball?

CAR HOOD KID #1
Yeah, I seen it. That girl over there, she
has it.

Car Hood Kid #1 points to a BUSTY GIRL leaning against another car
talking to her large BOYFRIEND.

CAR HOOD KID #2 (cont'd)
'Cept she doesn't call it a baseball. She
has another name for it...

CUT TO:

ON BUSTY GIRL - The Ear-Muff Guy marches up to her and her
boyfriend.

EAR-MUFF GUY
You seen my pecker?

GIRL
What?!

EAR-MUFF GUY
You seen my pecker?

The Boyfriend grabs him by the collar.

BOYFRIEND
You son-of-a-bitch, I'll kick your ass!

The Boyfriend throws the Ear-Muff Guy to the ground and is about
to pummel him when Ted intervenes.

TED
Take it easy, Smokey.

BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
This fucking pervert just came on to Nance!

TED
All right, just be cool.
(under breath)
He looks like he's not all there, you know
what I mean?

A crowd starts to gather which only incites Smokey more.

BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
Get the fuck out of my way, man!

Smokey tosses Ted out of the way and moves toward the Ear-Muff
Guy. Just then Mary shows up and steps between them.
MARY
What's going on here?

She bends down and helps the Ear-Muff Guy off the ground.

MARY (cont'd)
Are you all right?

EAR-MUFF GUY
Mary, you seen my baseball?

MARY
No, I haven't seen your baseball. Jeez,
Warren, you know you're not supposed to
leave the yard by yourself.

BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
(to Mary)
You know him?

MARY
He's my brother.

BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
Oh.
(beat)
I didn't realize he was...you know...

At this, Smokey and his girlfriend reluctantly head toward the
school, along with most of the crowd.

Mary turns her attention in the direction Ted was thrown.

MARY
You okay?

HER POV - Ted is sitting in a mud puddle. He stands and brushes
himself off.

TED
Oh yeah. Fine.

MARY
Thanks a lot, Ted.

CLOSE ON - Ted. He can't believe what he's just heard. As Mary
helps him up, she turns her attention to Warren.

MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
That she knew my name blew my mind. Some of
my best friends didn't know my name.

Genres: Drama, Comedy
Tone: Humorous, Dramatic, Sarcastic

Summary Mary arrives at school and is immediately noticed by Ted, who is smitten with her. Ted's friends tease him about his lack of a date, while Warren, Mary's developmentally disabled brother, approaches a group of kids in search of his baseball. When Warren is mistakenly attacked by a girl's boyfriend, Ted intervenes, impressing Mary. Despite her being accompanied by her date, Woogie, Mary expresses gratitude towards Ted for helping her brother.

Strengths

Engaging dialogue
Balanced mix of humor and drama
Character dynamics

Weaknesses

Stereotypical high school dynamics
Lack of character depth for some supporting roles

General Critique

The scene introduces a new character, Mary, in a way that sets her up as a likable and interesting character, but the transition from Ted watching her to the interaction with the Ear-Muff Guy feels a bit abrupt.
The dialogue between Ted and his friends, while trying to be humorous, comes off as forced and lacks natural flow. The jokes about 'Rosey Palm' and 'Woogie' feel cliched and don't add much to the scene.
The interaction with the Ear-Muff Guy and the Busty Girl feels out of place and somewhat crass. The dialogue and actions of the characters in this part of the scene may not resonate well with the audience.
The resolution of the conflict with Smokey and the Ear-Muff Guy is too quick and lacks depth. It would benefit from more development and emotional impact.
The scene ends with a voiceover that seems disconnected from the rest of the scene, which can be confusing for the audience.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider refining the introduction of Mary to make the transition smoother and more engaging.
Work on the dialogue between Ted and his friends to make it more natural and engaging, avoiding cliches and forced humor.
Reevaluate the interaction with the Ear-Muff Guy and the Busty Girl to ensure it aligns with the tone and themes of the screenplay.
Develop the conflict with Smokey and the Ear-Muff Guy further to add depth and emotional resonance.
Clarify the purpose of the voiceover at the end of the scene to ensure it connects with the rest of the narrative.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - MORNING

Mary and a muddied Ted are walking Warren home. Warren lags
behind, mumbling to himself. Mary notices that Ted is limping.
MARY
Hey, you're limping. Did you just hurt
yourself?

TED
No, it's an old football injury.

MARY
Oh, are you on the team?

TED
No, a couple of the players and me were
joking around and, uh, I fell off the
school.

Warren approaches and motions for Ted to hop on his back.

WARREN
Piggyback ride?

MARY
Warren, come on, leave Ted alone.

Warren pats his back again.

WARREN
Piggyback ride.

TED
(to Mary)
I don't mind. If you think he can hold me.

MARY
Oh he can hold you. He weighs
two-hundred-and-thirty pounds.

TED
A real Clydesdale, huh Warren?

Ted hops onto Warren's back.

TED (cont'd)
Giddy-up.

Warren walks about five feet and stops.

WARREN
My turn now.

Off Ted's reaction, we

CUT TO:

EXT . MARY'S HOUSE - DAY

Muddy sweat is running down Ted's face as he struggles up a hill
with Warren on his back.
TED
(straining)
We're here, Warren. You wanna get off?

WARREN
Giddy-up.

Ted rolls his eyes and continues toward the front door. Mary looks
on, amused.

MARY
So who you taking to the prom?

TED
Huh?

MARY
The prom--you going?

TED
Oh, I don't know. I think proms are pretty
dumb.

MARY
'Cause I thought maybe you and I could go
if you weren't already taking someone.

TED
I mean dumb in the sense that they only
happen once a year.

She smiles at this.

MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
From that moment on the guys at school
looked at me in a whole new light.

CUT TO:

CLOSE ON FRIEND #1

FRIEND #1
You're a fucking liar!

EXT. CUMBERLAND HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

PULLBACK TO REVEAL - Ted is leaning against his locker
surrounded by a group of guys.

FRIEND #2
You expect us to believe you're going to
the prom with Mary? What about Woogie?

TED
They broke up. She said he started getting
weird on her.
FRIEND #1
I got twenty bucks says you're full of
shit.

TED
Oh come on, why would I lie?

FRIEND #1
Because you're a loser, and in some warped
way this gives you a momentary sense of
worth.

FRIEND #2
Put me down for fifty.

FRIEND #3
I'm in.

As the others join in, we

CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S HOUSE - TWILIGHT

A tuxedoed and smiling Ted drives up in his parent's station
wagon.

EXT. MARY' S FRONT DOOR - TWILIGHT

Ted knocks on the door and Mary's gruff DAD answers.

MARY'S DAD
Yeah? What do you want?

TED
Um, hi, I'm Ted Peloquin. I'm here to take
Mary to the prom.

MARY'S DAD
Prom? You're about twenty minutes late. She
just left for the prom with her boyfriend
Woogie.

Ted looks devastated. Suddenly the door swings open revealing
MARY'S MOM.

MARY'S MOM
Charlie, that's mean. Come on in, Ted.
Don't listen to Mr. Wise Guy here. He's a
joke a minute.

TED
Oh.
(relieved)
Oh, that's a good one.

Genres: Comedy, Romance, Drama
Tone: Humorous, Heartfelt, Disappointing

Summary After getting into a fight, Warren gives Ted a piggyback ride as Mary walks ahead. Ted jokes about his limp, later confessing to falling off the school and having a football player land on his leg. Upon arriving home, Mary suggests they attend prom together, but Ted brushes it off. Despite his excitement, Ted's friends question his intentions, leading to a bet. Later that evening, Ted arrives at Mary's house in a tuxedo, only to be informed by her father that she has already left with Woogie.

Strengths

Authentic character interactions
Emotional depth
Humorous dialogue

Weaknesses

Predictable outcome
Slightly cliched scenarios

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear focus or purpose, as it meanders between Ted's interaction with Mary and Warren giving him a piggyback ride.
The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, especially the exchange between Ted and Mary about the prom.
The transition between scenes from Ted and Warren walking home to Ted arriving at Mary's house feels abrupt and disjointed.
The humor in the scene, such as Ted struggling with Warren on his back, falls flat and feels out of place given the context of the conversation about the prom.
The character dynamics between Ted, Mary, and Warren are not fully explored or developed, leaving the audience disconnected from their interactions.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Focus on a central theme or conflict in the scene to drive the narrative forward and engage the audience.
Refine the dialogue to make it more authentic and reflective of the characters' personalities and motivations.
Smooth out the transition between different moments in the scene to create a more cohesive and fluid storytelling experience.
Consider toning down the physical comedy elements and instead focus on building emotional depth and connection between the characters.
Further develop the relationships between Ted, Mary, and Warren to create a more compelling and relatable dynamic for the audience.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. MARY'S HOUSE - TWILIGHT
Ted nervously enters and sees Warren watching T.V. in the den.

TED
Hey, Warren.

Warren doesn't look his way.

Just then Mary comes down the stairs looking as if the directors
had really taken their time casting this role. Ted can't believe
his eyes.

MARY
Hi, Ted.

TED
Hi, Mary.

MARY'S MOM
Poor Teddy--he's been getting it both
barrels from the Wisenheimer here.

MARY
Dad, have you been busting Ted's chops?

Mary's Dad shrugs.

MARY (cont'd)
Warren, did you say hi to Ted?

WARREN
(not looking up)
'Bout ten times.

TED
Hey, Warren, I think I know where your
baseball is.

This finally gets Warren's attention.

WARREN
You seen my baseball?

We see Ted discreetly pull a BRAND NEW BASEBALL out of his pocket
and palm it in his hand.

TED
Well, if it's a big white one with red
stitching, I think I saw it right behind
your ear ..

Ted is reaching behind Warren's ear when suddenly Warren TAKES A
SWIPE AT HIM, knocking him to the ground.

MARY
Warren!!!
Ted HITS HIS HEAD on the coffee table.

ON THE BASEBALL - as it rolls under the couch, stopping right
next to the OTHER MISSING BALL.

BACK TO SCENE - In a split second, Warren is up like a cat and
DIVES ONTO TED. As MARY AND HER PARENTS SCREAM, Ted manages to
free himself from the disabled man's clutches and GETS WARREN IN A
HEADLOCK.

MARY'S DAD
(to Ted)
What the hell are you doing?!

MARY'S MOM
Teddy, let him go!

TED
(out of breath)
I'm trying...tell him to...calm down.

The family jumps on Warren and finally break it up.

MARY'S DAD (cont'd)
(to Ted)
Jesus Christ, guy, what the hell were you
doing?!

TED
I was playing a trick. I-I-I had a
baseball.

MARY'S MOM
What baseball? Where's a baseball?

Ted looks around but there's no ball in sight.

TED
There was a ball I had a honest.

As Mary helps Ted up, we see that his shirttail is out and his tie
is hanging off. Mary's parents lead the frothing Warren back to
the couch.

MARY (to Ted)
I'm sorry. I should've told you, he's got a
thing about his ears.

TED
Oh. Okay. I gotcha.

MARY
Are you all right?

TED
Oh yeah.
MARY'S MOM
(to Mary)
Honey, now you're all wrinkled.

Mary looks down and frowns.

MARY
Ted, will you just give me one more minute?
I have to iron this thing.

Ted starts to tuck his pants in as Mary and her mother head back
up the stairs. Mary's Dad and Ted are left alone. And Warren.

Ted rubs his head, sees a spot of blood.

TED
(to Mary's Dad)
May I use your bathroom?

INT. BATHROOM - TWILIGHT

Ted dabs his head with a tissue, then moves to the toilet. As he
TAKES A LEAK he glances out the window to his left.

TED'S POV - two LOVEBIRDS are perched on a branch.

Ted smiles...

...at the SOUND of these beautiful tweeties singing their love
song for themselves, for the spring, for Ted and Mary, and
suddenly they fly away and we...

SNAP FOCUS

...to reveal Mary in the bedroom window DIRECTLY BEHIND WHERE THE
BIRDS WERE, in just a bra and panties, and just then her mother
glances Ted's way and MAKES EYE-CONTACT with what she can only
presume to be a leering Peeping Tom.

ON TED...

...he loses the smile and ducks his head back into the bathroom,
HORRIFIED.

PANICKING NOW, he hastily zips up his fly and

TED
YEEEOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

TED GETS HIS DICK STUCK IN THE ZIPPER!

CUT TO:

EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - NIGHT

A concerned Mary, her Mom, Dad, and Warren are huddled outside the
bathroom.
MARY
(knocking gently)
Ted, are you okay?

TED (O.S.)
(pained)
Just a minute.

MARY'S MOM
He's been in there over half an hour.
(whispering)
Charlie, I think he's masturbating.

MARY
Mom!

MARY'S MOM
Well he was watching you undress with a
silly grin on his face.

TED (O.S.)
(pained)
I was watching the birds!

They all look at one another.

MARY'S MOM
Charlie, do something.

MARY'S DAD
All right, kid, that's it, I'm coming in.

Genres: Comedy, Romance
Tone: Humorous, Awkward, Playful

Summary Ted's attempt to play a prank triggers a fight with Warren, resulting in an embarrassing mishap in the bathroom. Mary tries to pacify the situation while her parents express concern over Ted's erratic behavior.

Strengths

Humorous dialogue
Well-developed characters
Engaging plot progression

Weaknesses

Lack of emotional depth
Focus on humor over character development

General Critique

The scene starts off with a lot of potential for humor and awkward situations, but it quickly escalates into a physical altercation between Ted and Warren, which feels out of place and unnecessary.
The transition from Ted trying to play a harmless trick on Warren to a full-blown fight is abrupt and doesn't flow well with the rest of the scene.
The humor in the scene feels forced and the dialogue could be more natural and engaging.
The visual of Ted getting his genitals stuck in the zipper is a shock factor that doesn't add much to the overall story or character development.
The scene lacks subtlety and nuance in handling the interactions between the characters, making it feel more like a slapstick comedy rather than a nuanced character-driven moment.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider toning down the physical altercation between Ted and Warren and focus more on the humor and awkwardness of the situation.
Work on building up the tension and comedy in a more subtle and nuanced way, rather than relying on shock value.
Refine the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging, allowing the characters to shine through their interactions.
Instead of resorting to physical comedy, explore more character-driven humor and interactions to keep the scene light-hearted and entertaining.
Consider revising the scene to focus on the dynamic between Ted, Mary, and her family, rather than introducing unnecessary physical comedy.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

A whimpering Ted huddles in the corner as Mary's Dad enters.

MARY'S DAD (cont'd)
What seems to be the situation here? You
shit yourself or something?

TED
I wish.

Ted motions for him to close the door and Mary's Dad obliges.

TED (cont'd)
I, uh...I got it stuck.

MARY'S DAD
You got what stuck?

TED
It.

MARY'S DAD
It?
(beat)
Oh it. All right, these things happen,
let me have a look. It's not the end of the
world.

Mary's Dad moves closer and puts his reading glasses on.

EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - CONTINUOUS

As Mary, her Mom, and Warren listen in...

MARY'S DAD (O.S.)
OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

TED (O.S.)
Shhhhhh!

INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

MARY'S DAD
(CALLS OUT)
Shirley, get in here! You gotta see this!

TED
What?! No please, sir--

MARY'S DAD
She's a dental hygienist. She'll know what
to do.

Mary's Mom comes in and closes the door behind her.

MARY'S MOM
Teddy, hon, are you okay?
(moving closer, seeing the situation)
OH HEAVENS TO PETE!

TED
Would you shhh! Mary's gonna hear us.

MARY'S MOM
Just relax, dear. Now, um...what exactly
are we looking at here?

TED
(dizzy)
What do you mean?

MARY'S MOM
(delicate)
I mean is it...is it...?

MARY'S DAD
(gruff)
Is it the frank or the beans?

TED
I think a little of both.

Suddenly we hear Warren from outside the door:

WARREN (O.S.)
Franks and beans!

Ted hangs his head.

EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - CONTINUOUS

Mary and Warren are huddled outside the door.

MARY
(to Warren)
Shhhh.

MARY'S DAD (O.S.)
What the hell's that bubble?

Mary REACTS to this.

Genres: Comedy
Tone: Humorous, Awkward, Playful

Summary Ted is stuck in the bathroom and seeks help from Mary's Dad and Mom. Mary and Warren listen in outside the door as Ted's predicament becomes increasingly embarrassing.

Strengths

Humorous dialogue
Engaging characters
Unique and comedic situation

Weaknesses

Lack of significant character development
Low stakes

General Critique

The scene relies heavily on crude humor and shock value, which may not resonate with all audiences and can come across as juvenile.
The dialogue lacks subtlety and nuance, leaning too heavily on explicit and crass language for humor.
The character interactions feel forced and exaggerated, with Mary's Dad's reaction being over-the-top and unrealistic.
The scene focuses too much on the physical comedy of Ted getting his genitals stuck in the zipper, which can be seen as gratuitous and unnecessary.
The humor in the scene feels forced and contrived, lacking in genuine wit or cleverness.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider toning down the explicit humor and focusing on more subtle and clever dialogue to create a more sophisticated and engaging scene.
Develop the character interactions to be more realistic and grounded, avoiding over-the-top reactions and caricatures.
Explore different avenues for humor that don't rely on shock value or crude language, aiming for a more sophisticated and nuanced approach.
Focus on the emotional core of the scene, delving into the characters' feelings and motivations to create a more meaningful and relatable moment.
Consider adding depth to the scene by exploring the relationships between the characters and their internal struggles, rather than relying solely on physical comedy.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

TED
One guess.

MARY'S DAD
How the hell'd you get the beans all the
way up top like that?

TED
I don't know. It's not like it was a well
thought-out plan.

MARY'S MOM
Oh my, there sure is a lot of skin coming
through there.

MARY'S DAD
I'm guessing that's what the soprano shriek
was about, pumpkin.

MARY'S MOM
I'm going to get some Bactine.

TED
No, please!

Suddenly a POLICE OFFICER sticks his head in the bathroom window.

POLICE OFFICER
Ho there.

TED
(humiliated)
Oh God.
POLICE OFFICER
Everything okay here? Neighbors said they
heard a lady scream.

MARY'S DAD
You're looking at him. C'mere and take a
look at this beauty.

TED
No, that's really unneces--

But the Officer's already climbing in the window. Once inside, he
turns his flashlight on Ted and WHISTLES.

POLICE OFFICER
Now I've seen it all. What the hell were
you thinking?

TED
(frustrated)
I wasn't trying--

POLICE OFFICER
Is that bubble what I think it is?

Mary's parents nod.

POLICE OFFICER (cont'd)
But...how...how'd you get the zipper all
the way to the top?

MARY'S DAD
Let's just say the kid's limber.

The Officer makes a face, then rolls up his sleeves.

POLICE OFFICER
Well, there's only one thing to do.

TED
No, no, no, I'll be fine. I'll just hang my
shirttail out and work on it in the
morning.

POLICE OFFICER
Look, son, this'll only hurt for a second.

The Officer reaches down and takes hold of the zipper.

TED
No, no, please!

MARY'S MOM
Teddy, be brave.

WARREN (O.S.)
Beans and franks!

MARY (O.S.)
Warren, shhh.

Defeated, Ted holds his breath and braces for the worst.

POLICE OFFICER
It's just like pulling off a Band-aid.
A-one and a-two and...

CUT TO:

PARAMEDIC
We got a bleeder!

EXT. MARY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

TWO PARAMEDICS rush Ted out the front door on a stretcher. Mary
runs alongside him holding a towel on his crotch. while a THIRD
PARAMEDIC dabs at his crotch with a towel. Mary's Mom and Dad are
out front along with two FIRETRUCKS, four POLICE CARS, and a crowd
of about thirty NEIGHBORS.

PARAMEDIC
(to Mary)
Keep pressure on it!

Mary does as she's told.

MARY
(running along)
Ted, I'm so sorry. Are you going to be
okay?

TED
(irrational cockiness)
You betcha!

He gives her two thumbs up as they slide him into the ambulance.

INT. AMBULANCE - CONTINUOUS

The doors SLAM shut and as the ambulance pulls away Ted starts to
WHIMPER and we can see Mary fade into the night, as we

DISSOLVE TO:

Genres: Comedy
Tone: Humorous, Embarrassing, Sarcastic

Summary Ted gets his zipper stuck on his skin, causing a commotion that involves a police officer, paramedics, and a hospital trip.

Strengths

Humorous dialogue
Comedic timing
Unique and entertaining concept

Weaknesses

Lack of emotional depth
Limited character development

General Critique

The scene starts off with a humorous and embarrassing situation of Ted getting his genitals stuck in his zipper, which adds a comedic element to the scene. However, the arrival of the police officer feels a bit forced and unrealistic, taking away from the humor of the situation. The dialogue between Ted, Mary's parents, and the police officer could be more natural and less exaggerated to maintain the comedic tone.
The escalation of the situation with the police officer climbing in through the window and the paramedics rushing Ted out on a stretcher feels a bit over-the-top and takes away from the initial humor of the scene. It might be more effective to keep the focus on the awkwardness of the situation rather than introducing too many external elements.
The transition from the bathroom to the ambulance feels abrupt and disjointed. There could be a smoother transition to show the progression of events and maintain the flow of the scene.
The reactions of the characters, especially Mary, could be more nuanced and realistic in response to the escalating situation. Adding more depth to the emotional reactions of the characters can enhance the audience's connection to the scene.
The scene could benefit from more subtlety and restraint in the humor, allowing the awkwardness of the situation to shine through without the need for exaggerated reactions or external interventions.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider toning down the exaggerated elements of the scene, such as the police officer climbing in through the window and the paramedics rushing in, to maintain a more realistic and relatable tone.
Focus on the awkwardness and embarrassment of the situation with Ted getting his genitals stuck in his zipper, rather than introducing too many external elements that detract from the core humor of the scene.
Work on creating a smoother transition between the bathroom and the ambulance to ensure a more cohesive flow of events.
Develop the emotional reactions of the characters, particularly Mary, to add depth and authenticity to their responses to the escalating situation.
Strive for a balance of humor and realism in the scene, allowing the awkwardness of the situation to drive the comedy without the need for exaggerated or over-the-top elements.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - PRESENT DAY

Ted, now in his 30's, lays on his therapist's couch.

TED
...Anyway, school ended a few days later
and that July her father got transferred to
Florida.
The CAMERA PANS up to reveal that the CHAIR BEHIND HIM IS EMPTY.
Ted has been telling all this to no one.

TED (cont'd)
It took me half the summer to pay off all
those bets.
(sighs)
I never did see Mary again. That was about
twelve years ago.

Just then the door quietly opens and Ted's PSYCHIATRIST tip-toes
back into the room and takes his seat. (He has a dab of mustard on
his chin and has forgotten about the cloth napkin tucked into his
collar.)

PSYCHIATRIST
Uh-huh. Interesting.

The Psychiatrist notices the napkin and quickly wipes his chin,
then tosses it aside.

TED
Anyway, it's not something you exactly
forget about, but I guess I must've blocked
it out of my head. Then about a week ago
I'm driving on the highway and I got to
thinking about Mary and suddenly I couldn't
breathe...I couldn't keep up with the flow
of traffic anymore I felt like I was
going to die. I pulled into a rest area,
parked the car, and just started shaking.

The Psychiatrist scratches his chin.

PSYCHIATRIST
You know...rest areas are homosexual
hang-outs.

TED
Huh?

PSYCHIATRIST
Highway rest areas--they're the bathhouses
of the nineties for some gay men.

Ted thinks about this, then glances back at the shrink.

TED
What are you saying?

PSYCHIATRIST
(checking wristwatch)
Oops, time's up. We'll have to delve into
that next week.

Off Ted's look, we
CUT TO:

EXT. DRIVING RANGE - DAY

Ted and his friend DOM are blasting a couple buckets.

DOM
Gay? He said you were gay?

TED
He implied it.

DOM
Well you're a writer, and a lot of
writers are gay. Look at Truman Capote.

TED
Yeah, but he was successful.

DOM
Let me ask you this: When you smoke a
cigar, do you ever pretend it has balls?

Ted appears to think about this.

TED
Come on, that wouldn't make me gay.

DOM
I'm going to fix you up with my new
assistant.

TED
What's he like?

Dom LAUGHS, then watches as Ted hits a ball.

DOM
You're leaving it out. Finish your swing.
(beat)
You're going to like this one--she's half
Asian, half American.

TED
Good-looking?

DOM
I just told you, she's half Asian. half
American. They're all good looking. You
could mate Don Rickles and Yoko Ono and
they're going to have a gorgeous kid. It's
a foolproof combo.

Ted thinks about it.

TED
What's the point? Let's face it, Dom, I'm
in a slump.
(SIGHS)
Lately I've been feeling like...well...like
a loser.

DOM
Loser? You?

Ted shrugs.

DOM (cont'd)
Give me a break. Remember five years ago,
when your kidneys failed? If you were a
loser would they have been able to find a
donor with an exact tissue match? What are
the odds of that, one in a million?

TED
Oh, so I'm lucky because my brother got
killed in an explosion?

DOM
I never said that. I'm saying your lucky
those kids found his kidneys.
(beat)
Besides, your brother Jimmy never gave a
shit about you.

Ted gives him a look.

DOM (cont'd)
You know, you're a real glass-is-half-empty
guy. You got a fucking guardian angel, man.

Ted manages a small smile. Just then, Ted's cell phone RINGS.

TED
I gotta take this, it might be my boss.
(flips phone open)
Ted here.

GARBLED VOICE
(on phone)
You're a cocksucking motherfucking piece of
puke!

Whoever it is HANGS UP. Without reacting, Ted closes the phone and
puts it back in his pocket.

TED
Yep.

Genres: Comedy, Drama
Tone: Humorous, Reflective, Sarcastic

Summary Ted, in his 30s, seeks therapy to address past heartbreak and a recent panic attack. His unconventional therapist, often absent from the room, suggests that rest areas are homosexual hangouts. Ted's friend Dom jokes about his sexuality and sets him up with a new assistant. Amidst feelings of inadequacy and a disturbing phone call, Ted reflects on the serendipitous coincidence of finding a kidney donor with an exact tissue match, suggesting the presence of a guardian angel.

Strengths

Well-developed characters
Engaging dialogue
Humorous and reflective tone

Weaknesses

Sudden shift to a phone call with aggressive caller may feel out of place

General Critique

The scene transitions abruptly from Ted's therapy session to him and Dom at the driving range, which can be disorienting for the audience.
The dialogue between Ted and his therapist feels a bit forced and lacks a natural flow, making it less engaging for the audience.
The therapist's comment about rest areas being homosexual hangouts feels out of place and unnecessary, adding confusion rather than depth to the scene.
The conversation between Ted and Dom at the driving range lacks depth and meaningful interaction, making it feel like filler dialogue.
The phone call with verbal abuse towards Ted seems random and disconnected from the rest of the scene, leaving the audience wondering about its relevance.
The scene lacks a clear focus or purpose, with disjointed elements that don't contribute to the overall story or character development.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider restructuring the scene to have a smoother transition between Ted's therapy session and his interaction with Dom at the driving range.
Focus on developing more meaningful and engaging dialogue between Ted and his therapist to delve deeper into Ted's emotions and past experiences.
Reconsider the therapist's comment about rest areas, as it may come across as insensitive or irrelevant to the scene's context.
Enhance the conversation between Ted and Dom to add depth to their relationship and provide insight into Ted's character growth or internal struggles.
Integrate the phone call with verbal abuse into the scene more seamlessly or consider removing it if it does not serve a clear purpose in the overall narrative.
Ensure that each element of the scene contributes to the character development or plot progression, creating a cohesive and impactful storytelling experience.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

EXT. DOM'S HOUSE - DAY

Dom and Ted are drinking beer while sitting on Dom's front steps.
We see signs of kids everywhere: a tricycle, six-foot basketball
hoop, dolls, etc.
DOM'S WIFE comes out and hands them each a cigar.

DOM'S WIFE
I thought you guys might like these with
your beers.

DOM
Thanks, baby.

She goes back inside.

TED
See, that's what I want. I don't need these
bimbettes you got me chasing. I want what
you have. A family....Someone to...you
know...love.

These guys don't usually talk about this crap, and Ted gets a
little embarrassed.

TED (cont'd)
It must be great with a wife like that.

DOM
Each day is better than the next.
(beat)
Have you ever been, you know...in love with
someone?

TED
Nah.

DOM
Never?

TED
Well once. Mary.

Dom SIGHS.

DOM
Mary again.

TED
Look, I admit it was brief, but it was
definitely love. Crushes don't last twelve
years.

DOM
Whatever happened to Mary?

TED
I told you, her family moved to Miami.

DOM
I mean since then.
TED
I don't know.

DOM
Well why don't you look her up?

TED
(sarcastic)
Yeah, right.

DOM
Why not?

TED
Because I guarantee she's married and has a
couple kids. Girls like Mary don't stay
single.

DOM
What if you're wrong? You just said she's
the only girl you ever loved, what have you
got to lose by calling her?

TED
I did try calling her.
(sheepish)
A few years ago. She wasn't listed.

DOM
So that was it? One bump in the road and
you gave up?

TED
I also called Unsolved Mysteries.

DOM
You're kidding? What did they say?

TED
They told me they don't help out stalkers.
(beat)
Look, maybe they're right, it's been a long
time.

DOM
I got it--you hire a private eye, fly him
out there, he follows her around a couple
days, she'll never know a thing.

Ted considers this.

TED
No. No fucking way. That's too creepy.

Dom thinks a moment, then SNAPS his fingers.
DOM
Wait a second. There's a guy named Healy in
my office who might be able to help you
out. He's a claims investigator and he goes
to Miami every couple weeks.

As Ted thinks about this, we

CUT TO:

ESTABLISHING SHOT of a big insurance company - MORNING

INT. PROVIDENCE UNION INSURANCE COMPANY - HALLWAY - MORNING

Ted and Dom are walking down a hallway.

TED
I don't know about this, Dom.

DOM
Relax, this guy owes me a big one. A couple
years ago he got in a jam up in the Boston
office; some bullshit about padding his
resume--like we haven't all done that.
Anyway, they were going to let him go but
his mother wrote a tear-jerker letter that
ended up on my desk.

TED
His mother?

DOM
Yeah, I guess he still lives with her.
Seemed like a sweet lady--got diabetes or
something--so I went out on a limb and got
him transferred down to Providence.

TED
And you think he could find out her number
for me?

DOM
He'll do better than that. I'll send him
down to Miami on business, you throw him a
couple bucks on the side, and he'll track
her down.

Ted thinks about this.

DOM (cont'd)
Just let me warn you--This guy runs a
little hot, but he gets the job done.

CUT TO:

Genres: Comedy, Romance, Drama
Tone: Humorous, Reflective, Nostalgic

Summary Dom and Ted have a conversation about love and family while drinking beer on Dom's front steps. Dom suggests Ted hire a private investigator named Healy to track down Mary and give Ted her number. Ted is hesitant at first, worried about being seen as a stalker, but Dom assures him that the investigator will be discreet. The scene ends with Ted agreeing to consider hiring the private investigator.

Strengths

Engaging characters
Blend of humor and emotion
Compelling storyline

Weaknesses

Some cliched elements
Predictable plot twists

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or emotional depth, considering the topic of Ted's long-lost love Mary. The conversation between Dom and Ted feels somewhat superficial and lacks the emotional weight that should accompany a discussion about lost love.
The dialogue between Dom and Ted could be more nuanced and reflective of Ted's internal struggle and longing for Mary. It feels a bit rushed and could benefit from more depth and emotional exploration.
The transition between the conversation about Mary and the decision to hire a private investigator feels abrupt and could be smoother. The scene could build more tension and anticipation leading up to the decision to seek out Mary.
The humor in the scene, while present, could be more finely tuned to balance the serious undertones of Ted's unresolved feelings for Mary. It's important to maintain a delicate balance between humor and emotional depth in a scene like this.
The scene could benefit from more visual cues or actions to enhance the storytelling and engage the audience. Adding more visual elements could help bring the scene to life and make it more dynamic.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider delving deeper into Ted's emotional journey and the impact of his unresolved feelings for Mary. Allow the conversation between Dom and Ted to explore Ted's vulnerability and longing in a more profound way.
Work on creating a more gradual build-up towards the decision to hire a private investigator. Develop the tension and emotional stakes leading up to this pivotal moment in Ted's quest to find Mary.
Fine-tune the humor in the scene to ensure it complements the emotional core of the conversation about Mary. Make sure the humor enhances the scene rather than detracts from the emotional resonance.
Explore ways to incorporate more visual storytelling elements to enhance the scene and make it more engaging for the audience. Consider adding actions or visual cues that can convey Ted's internal struggle and emotional turmoil.
Consider adding moments of introspection or reflection for Ted to allow the audience to connect more deeply with his character and the emotional weight of his journey to find Mary.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. HEALY'S CUBICLE - MORNING
Ted is seated inside a small cubicle across the desk from PATRICK
HEALY, a shaggy-looking guy in a mis-matched three-piece suit.
Healy looks more like a used-car salesman than an insurance
investigator.

HEALY
So, Dom tells me you're looking for some
lady-friend you knew in high school.

TED
Uh-huh.

HEALY
Any idea where I might start looking?

TED
She moved to Miami Beach twelve years ago.
I checked directory assistance down there
and she's not listed. She might've moved
ten times since then.

HEALY
(skeptical)
All you want is a phone number?

TED
Well, I know you're busy

HEALY
Don't play games with me, Ted.

TED
I don't know, maybe you could poke around
for a half day and see if she has five kids
and a Labrador.

HEALY
I don't buy it.

TED
You don't buy what?

Suddenly Healy is in his face.

HEALY
Ted, I'm the kind of guy who shoots from
the hip. Now I want you to level with me:
Did you knock this skirt up?

TED
(indignant)
No.

HEALY
She's blackmailing you, right?

TED
(more indignant)
No.

HEALY
You want her dead, don't you?

TED
You can't be serious.

HEALY
Do you really expect me to believe this is
a straight stalker case?

TED
I'm not a stalker ! She's a friend of mine.

HEALY
Sure she is. That's why she got an unlisted
number and you haven't heard squat from her
in a dozen years. Oh you're good, Ted.
You're a real piece of work.

TED
(stands)
Look, let's forget it. Let's forget the
whole thing.

HEALY
I get one hundred a day plus expenses.

TED
(LAUGHS at Healy's nerve)
You get fifty a day, period. It's a
business trip, they'll pay for your
expenses.

Healy thinks about it.

HEALY
Okay, Ted, I'll do it. But if this chick
turns up with a toe tag, I'm rolling over
on you.

CUT TO:

ESTABLISHING SHOT - of Miami Beach

EXT. COLLINS AVENUE - DAY

Healy waits alone on a corner carrying one bag and a RACK OF
BEERS. Suddenly a '89 Chrysler Lebaron convertible with a GREAT
DANE in the back SCREECHES to a halt in front of him. The driver,
SULLY, is a muscular, well-groomed man in his thirties.

SULLY
Healy you dog!
HEALY
(checking out car)
Fucking Sully! Look at you!

SULLY
(Boston accent)
You hot shit. Ya look fuckin' pisser.

INT. CHRYSLER LEBARON - DAY

The dog is catching wind in the backseat and Sully hands Healy a
packet.

SULLY
Here's the info you asked for.

HEALY
Thanks.

SULLY
You should thank me--that girl was not easy
to find. What'd she scam you out of-some
insurance dough?

HEALY
Nah, some guy threw me a few bucks to track
down his high school girlfriend.

SULLY
Stalker, huh?

HEALY
Big time.

Genres: Comedy, Mystery
Tone: Sarcastic, Suspenseful, Humorous

Summary Ted seeks the help of Patrick Healy, an insurance investigator, to locate a high school acquaintance who relocated to Miami Beach. Despite Healy's skepticism about Ted's motives, they agree on a fee. Healy acquires information on the woman from his friend Sully, ultimately agreeing to take on the case.

Strengths

Sharp dialogue
Humorous tone
Intriguing plot development

Weaknesses

Limited character development
Moderate emotional impact

General Critique

The dialogue between Ted and Healy feels a bit forced and lacks subtlety in revealing the dynamics between the characters.
The confrontation between Ted and Healy escalates quickly without much build-up or nuance, making it feel slightly unrealistic.
The characterization of Healy as a rough and tough investigator could be more nuanced to add depth to his character.
The scene lacks visual descriptions and details that could enhance the setting and atmosphere, making it feel a bit flat.
The conflict between Ted and Healy could be more layered and complex to engage the audience and create more tension.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider adding more subtext and subtlety to the dialogue to make the interaction between Ted and Healy more engaging and realistic.
Try to build up the confrontation between Ted and Healy gradually, adding more depth to their relationship and motivations.
Develop Healy's character further to make him more multidimensional and interesting to the audience.
Enhance the visual descriptions in the scene to create a more vivid and immersive setting for the audience.
Add layers to the conflict between Ted and Healy by introducing more complexities and twists to keep the audience intrigued.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - DAY

This place is modest and clean but it has a direct view of South
Beach. Healy puts his bags down and looks around.

HEALY
Very nice.

SULLY
I'm doing okay.
(checks watch)
I gotta get ready for work.

Sully ducks into the bedroom and Healy looks around the apartment.

HEALY
Okay? With this pad, the killer wheels?
Looks like you really cleaned up your act.

SULLY (O.S.)
What can I tell you? It's a healthier
lifestyle down here, and it's easier to
succeed when your head's clear. Those guys
I worked with back in Boston, they were a
bad influence.

HEALY
Fuckin' animals. Hey, what do you say we go
grab a couple drinks.

SULLY (O.S.)
Not for me, buddy. I don't drink anymore.

HEALY
Yeah, and you don't drink any less, right?

Suddenly a huge Boa Constrictor slithers up on Healy's lap.

HEALY (cont'd)
What the...?!

Sully comes back in the room wearing a police uniform.

SULLY
Take it easy, that's Bill.

HEALY
Tell Bill to get the fuck off!

SULLY
(smiling)
Relax, he just ate.

Healy just stares at his friend.

SULLY (cont'd)
(proudly)
Nineteen months I been sober.

HEALY
What are you talking about? You were never
an alky, you were a cokehead.

SULLY
Yeah, well when you quit blow, you gotta
quit the booze, too.

HEALY
Is that right? Well good for you, Sull, I'm
proud of you.

Healy pops open one of his beers and hands it to Sully.

HEALY (cont'd)
Here, just have one of these then.

SULLY
Healy, what I just tell you?

HEALY
This is a light beer. You can't have a
light beer?

SULLY
No I can't.

Healy stares at him, baffled.

HEALY
Sully, it's one fuckin' beer for Christ
sakes.
(holds up beer)
Ooh, the big bad beer's gonna get ya.

Sully stares at the beer, weakening.

HEALY (cont'd)
I'm worried about you, man. You better
learn to have a pop once in a while or
you're gonna fall off the wagon. You're
being a fanatic and that ain't healthy.

SULLY
Am I?

HEALY
Bet your ass you are. Now I don't want to
hear anymore of your happy horseshit. You
gotta learn how to bend a little or believe
me...you're gonna break.

Finally, Sully takes the beer. He stares at it a moment and then
sips.

SULLY
Jesus, you know what? This shit doesn't
even taste good to me anymore.

HEALY
Ah, fuck ya then, you big pussy. What are
you, spotting?

Healy takes the beer from Sully and as he chugs it, we

CUT TO:

INT. CHRYSLER LEBARON - DAWN

Healy is on a stakeout. He's dozing. He's been here for hours,
food wrappers litter Sully's car. He's wearing Walkman-type
HEADPHONES which are connected to a RADIO SURVEILLANCE MICROPHONE
attached to a pair of BINOCULARS.

Suddenly MUSIC explodes through his headphones--Healy's jolted
awake. Who threw the grenade? Recovering, Healy aims the
binoculars toward...
HEALY'S POV - MARY'S APARTMENT ACROSS THE STREET

Healy has a clear, unobstructed view into Mary's apartment. The
music is coming from Mary's clock radio. MARY sits up in bed and
shakes herself awake, like someone's just poured cold water over
her. She cranks the music even LOUDER. Mary hops out of bed,
wearing only her panties, and though she's a little older now, she
still looks well cast.

CLOSE UP - ON HEALY - he's become extremely interested in his
work. As much as Healy's enjoying the show, he's got a job to
do--he speaks into a MICRO-CASSETTE RECORDER:

HEALY
(into recorder)
Okay, Ted, I found your Mary. Her current
address, two-niner-eight Euclid Avenue,
Miami Beach. Husband, negative. Children
and Labrador, negative. Extremely nice ass,
affirmative.

Genres: Comedy, Crime, Drama
Tone: Humorous, Sarcastic, Confrontational

Summary Healy visits Sully in his apartment and tries to convince him to drink, despite Sully's 19 months of sobriety. Sully initially resists but eventually takes a sip of Healy's light beer. Healy worries that Sully is being too rigid in his sobriety and that he needs to learn to relax. The scene ends with Healy beginning a stakeout on Mary's apartment across the street from Sully's car.

Strengths

Sharp dialogue
Engaging character dynamics
Humorous tone

Weaknesses

Some elements of the scene may be too confrontational for some audiences

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear direction or purpose, as it jumps from Healy visiting Sully to a conversation about sobriety to a stakeout on Mary's apartment.
The dialogue between Healy and Sully feels forced and unnatural, with abrupt shifts in tone and topic.
The interaction between Healy and Sully regarding sobriety comes off as contrived and lacks depth or authenticity.
The transition from the conversation about sobriety to the stakeout on Mary's apartment is abrupt and disjointed, making the scene feel disconnected.
The humor in the scene, particularly around Sully's sobriety, feels forced and insensitive, detracting from the overall tone of the scene.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Focus on a clear objective or goal for Healy in this scene to drive the narrative forward.
Develop the dialogue between Healy and Sully to be more natural and reflective of their relationship and history.
Consider integrating the themes of sobriety and surveillance more seamlessly into the scene to create a cohesive storyline.
Work on smoother transitions between different topics and locations to maintain the flow of the scene.
Reevaluate the humor in the scene to ensure it aligns with the overall tone and themes of the screenplay.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. MARY'S APT. - DAY

Mary walks into the living room where we see an old woman, MAGDA,
sitting on the couch LISTENING to a stack of RADIO SCANNERS.

MARY
Have you been up all night again?

MAGDA
Bet your ass I have. It's an important job,
Neighborhood Watch is.

MARY
Neighborhood Watch? Is that what you call
listening in on stranger's phone
conversations?

MAGDA
These ain't strangers, they're neighbors.
This only picks up signals in a half-mile
radius.

MARY
Meaning?

MAGDA
Meaning these are the people you live
amongst, you got a right to know if they're
creeps. For instance, did you know there's
a guy down the hall cheating on his wife?

MARY
(feigning shock)
You picked that up on the scanner. We gotta
move.
MAGDA
I confirmed it on the scanner. I knew
something was up because Puffy used to bark
like hell whenever he saw him and you know
Puffy only barks at bad people.

Magda pats her little dog PUFFY on the head.

MARY
Magda, Puffy barks at everybody.

MAGDA
That's because there's a lot of bad people
out there. Hey, Puffy tried to warn you
about that Steve guy you was seeing--he was
a fucking asswipe--but you had to find out
for yourself, didn't you?

MARY
Okay, you win. Now try to get some sleep,
huh.

Mary gives Magda a kiss and heads to her bedroom.

CUT TO:

MUSIC MONTAGE - as Healy follows Mary around town.

EXT. EUCLID AVENUE - MORNING

Mary exits her apartment and bounces out into the world. There is
a HOMELESS MAN sitting on the sidewalk. Mary flips him an apple,
then jumps in her Honda Civic and drives off.

EXT. DRIVING RANGE - MORNING

Mary is at the range HITTING a couple buckets of balls.

ON HEALY - watching from the parking lot.

HEALY
(into mic)
Looks like we got an athlete on our hands.

EXT. MACDONALD'S DRIVE-THRU WINDOW - MORNING

Mary waits in the drive-thru lane reading the SPORTS PAGE. Finally
the window opens and she is handed a HUGE BAG OF FOOD.

PAN TO Healy watching from his car.

HEALY
(into mic)
Well, from her figure and her appetite, I'm
guessing she's either got a bowel disorder
or we've got a hurler on our hands.
EXT. SPECIAL ED. CENTER - MORNING

Mary's brother Warren is wearing a walkman as he plays catch out
front with a SPECIAL ED TEACHER while several other
MENTALLY-DISABLED PATIENTS entertain themselves.

Mary pulls up, gets out, and starts handing out Egg McMuffins.

MARY
Get in line. One at a time.

A fat patient, GARY, approaches.

GARY
Can I have two, Mary?

MARY
Yeah, you can have two halves, just like
everyone else.

GARY
Thanks.

Gary takes his and walks off. A couple more patients and then
bucktoothed FREDDIE steps up to her.

FREDDIE
Will you marry me, Mary?

MARY
Oh yeah, pretty boy? And what about
Dolores?

Mary points to another PATIENT staring bashfully at Freddie.

FREDDIE
Would you marry us both, Mary?

MARY
Yeah, that'd be a good deal for you,
wouldn't it?

Freddie moves off and fat Gary is back, trying to be
inconspicuous.

MARY (cont'd)
Wow, this is weird. There was somebody who
looked just like you here a minute ago.

Mary smiles and hands Gary another McMuffin.

CLOSE ON Healy.

HEALY
(into mic)
Ixnay on the big appetite.
(beat)
She's just got a big heart.

Genres: Drama, Comedy
Tone: Humorous, Quirky, Heartwarming

Summary Mary confronts Magda about her late-night eavesdropping, which Magda defends as Neighborhood Watch activities. Magda claims to have uncovered a cheating husband and warned Mary about a previous boyfriend. Mary remains skeptical but shows appreciation for Magda's vigilance. The scene follows Mary throughout her morning, showcasing her athleticism, large appetite, and interactions with mentally disabled patients. Meanwhile, Healy follows Mary, observing her demeanor and activities.

Strengths

Engaging characters
Humorous dialogue
Heartwarming moments

Weaknesses

Minimal character change
Low stakes

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear focus or purpose, as it jumps between different locations and activities without a central theme.
The dialogue between Mary and Magda feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and authenticity.
The music montage sequence with Healy following Mary around town feels disjointed and disconnected from the rest of the scene.
The visual descriptions are minimal and do not effectively convey the atmosphere or emotions of the characters.
The characterization of Mary as a kind-hearted individual is cliched and lacks depth or complexity.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Focus on developing a central conflict or interaction between Mary and another character to drive the scene forward.
Enhance the dialogue between Mary and Magda to make it more engaging and reflective of their relationship.
Consider restructuring the scene to have a clearer narrative arc and purpose.
Add more visual details to create a vivid and immersive setting for the audience.
Explore deeper layers of Mary's character to make her more multi-dimensional and relatable.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

EXT. BEACH BAR - DAY

Neighborhood restaurant and bar. After-work crowd. Mary and her
friends, BRENDA, LISA, and JOANIE are sitting at a table under an
umbrella. Lisa reads from the PERSONALS COLUMN in South Beach
Magazine.

LISA
Listen to this one--'Seeking sensitive Wasp
doctor to share candlelit dinners, long
walks in Coconut Grove, marriage.'

BRENDA
What does this girl want, a corpse? You
gotta be more specific: 'Seeking deaf mute
with three pound cock and trust fund.'

JOANIE
No, it should be 'a hockey player with
great pecs.'

MARY
Ugh, not pecs. Sounds like one of those
guys with a fish-net shirt and a banana
hammock.

PAN TO the bar where we see Healy eavesdropping on their
conversation.

BRENDA (O.S.)
(to Mary)
I suppose you wouldn't like someone with a
washboard stomach like Brad Pitt?

BACK ON Mary and friends.

MARY
I'm just saying I don't mind a guy with a
bit of a beer belly. It means he's a guy.
You can have those pretty boys who hang out
in a gym all day staring at their
reflections.

ON HEALY

HEALY
(quietly into mic)
A girl after your own heart, Ted.

BACK ON Mary and friends.

JOANIE
I can live with those reflections.

MARY
I'm sick of these calorie-countin' pansies.
Give me a guy who likes kielbasa and beer
and playing thirty-six holes and still has
enough energy to take me and Warren out to
a ballgame.

JOANIE
(sarcastic)
Jeez, I don't know where you're ever going
to find a guy like that.

MARY
But here's the rub. The guy I'm talking
about has got to be self-employed.

LISA
You mean, like an architect or something?

MARY
Architect, yeah.

BRENDA You mean creative, but not poor.

MARY
No, it's not the money. Creative, yeah,
that's good, but it's the freedom I'm
talking about. See, this guy has to have a
job he could do anywhere. That way we could
just up and leave at the drop of a hat.

LISA
And where would you and your beer-bellied
architect be leaving to?

MARY
I don't know. The Super Bowl, New Orleans
Jazz Festival...maybe a couple months in
Nepal.

JOANIE
Yeah, and you'd probably dump the poor guy
halfway to Katmandu.

MARY
What's that supposed to mean?

JOANIE
It means you're too hard on guys.

MARY
No I'm not.

JOANIE
Oh come off it, Mare. What about
what's-his-name...Steverino? You could've
at least passed the baton on that one.
The girls LAUGH.

MARY
Yeah, Steve. Steve was all right for
awhile.

JOANIE
All right for awhile? The guy's
good-looking, rich, witty. He was a god.

LISA
At one point you were talking about
marrying him. Come on, why'd you dump him?

Mary thinks about this.

MARY
I don't know, it was complicated. He's in
San Francisco, I'm in Miami.
(dodging question)
Besides, Magda's psychic dog hated him.

JOANIE
Is that old crab still with you? Mary, you
said you were putting her up for a
month--it's been a year and a half.

MARY
Ah, she's okay.

LISA
Mary, cut the crap, what really happened
with Steve?

MARY
Nothing. I mean, you know my brother.
(sighs)
Warren.

JOANIE
What? Steve seemed to put up with Warren.

MARY
I don't want someone who'll put up with
him. I want someone who will enjoy him, the
way I do. Do you know what he told my
friend Tucker? He said he would've popped
the question a lot earlier if Warren wasn't
in my life.
(beat)
Well he is in my life and I'm goddamn
lucky to have him. The hell with Steve.

Everyone is touched by this. Then:

BRENDA
Well, that's the last time I blow him
behind your back.

As the girls LAUGH, we

CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Healy sits out front in his car again waiting for Mary to get
home. He picks up the phone, dials a number, and someone answers
but doesn't speak.

HEALY
Hello...? Sully...?
(beat)
Sully, that you?

SULLY (V.O.)
(over phone)
Who the fuck is it to you?

HEALY
Sully, it's Healy. What's going on over
there?

Genres: Drama, Romance, Comedy
Tone: Humorous, Reflective, Sarcastic

Summary Mary and her friends discuss their ideal man. Mary prefers a man with a beer belly who is self-employed and can travel spontaneously. Her friends tease her about her past relationship with Steve, who she broke up with because he didn't accept her brother Warren. Healy eavesdrops on their conversation and reports back to an unknown person named Sully.

Strengths

Witty and engaging dialogue
Authentic character interactions
Exploration of love and self-acceptance themes

Weaknesses

Lack of significant plot progression
Low external conflict

General Critique

The scene provides insight into Mary's preferences in men and her past relationship with Steve, adding depth to her character.
The dialogue between Mary and her friends feels natural and showcases their personalities well.
Healy's eavesdropping on Mary's conversation adds an element of intrigue and sets up potential future conflicts.
The scene effectively sets up Healy's interest in Mary and his surveillance of her, creating tension and anticipation.
The conversation about Steve and Warren adds emotional depth to Mary's character and hints at potential conflicts in her romantic relationships.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider adding more visual elements to enhance the setting and atmosphere of the beach bar scene.
Explore ways to further develop Healy's character and motivations through his interactions with Mary and her friends.
Introduce subtle hints or foreshadowing of future events to build suspense and intrigue.
Ensure the dialogue remains authentic and reflective of each character's personality and background.
Consider incorporating more subtext and underlying emotions in the interactions between the characters to deepen the scene's impact.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Sully is sitting on the kitchen floor in his police uniform, a
ring of white around his nostrils. The room is littered with beer
cans, he has another one in his hand, there's a pile of cocaine
and a rolled-up bill on the breakfast table. The dog and the snake
are in the doorway looking at him with concern.

SULLY
(into phone, sloshed)
Fuckin' Patrick Healy, you think your shit
don't stink. Well I got news for
you--you're goddamn right it don't! How the
hell are ya?!

INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT

Healy looks at the phone, concerned.

HEALY
Uh, I'm fine. Just wanted to let you know
I'll have your car back in a couple hours,
I'm still staking out this girl's
apartment.

SULLY (V.O.)
You found my car?!

Just then Healy notices Mary pull up and park. He slides down in
his seat.

ON MARY - she gets out carrying a bag and approaches the
Homeless Man, who is still sitting on the sidewalk. She hands him
the bag.

HOMELESS MAN
Thanks, Mary.

MARY
You watch out for yourself, Herb.

As Mary bounds up the steps of her building, we

HOLD ON the Homeless Man as he happily takes a sandwich and soda
out of the bag.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

As Mary rushes into the apartment, Magda is glued to her radio
scanner, listening intently.

MAGDA
Jesus, Mary, you gotta hear this--some
cop's staking out this broad's apartment.

MARY
No time, Magda, my show's starting.

BACK ON HEALY...

... he can hear the conversation through the SURVEILLANCE EQUIPMENT
pointed at Mary's place.

MAGDA (V.O.)
This is a good one, Mare. Sounds like his
partner's all lubed up.

HEALY
(quietly into phone)
Call you back.

SULLY
(over phone)
God, I miss ya, ya fuck-

Healy hangs up abruptly.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

MAGDA
Ah, Christ, I lost 'em.

Mary runs into her bedroom, shuts the door and flips on the tube
just as ESPN Sportscenter's OPENING THEME SONG is playing.
Relieved, Mary lays back on her bed and starts watching.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MARY'S ROOM - NIGHT
Mary is now watching Andy Griffith while SMOKING A JOINT and
GIGGLING away in bed.

ON HEALY - he's sitting in his car, GIGGLING, too.

HEALY
Fucking Barney...he never learns...

INT. MARY'S ROOM - NIGHT

As the show's end credits start to WHISTLE AWAY, Mary stands and
starts to UNDRESS for bed.

BACK ON HEALY - he sits up, very interested now.

HEALY
(into mic)
Here we go, Teddo. Here comes the money
shot.

Healy quickly reaches in the back seat and pulls out a bigger,
MORE POWERFUL PAIR OF BINOCULARS.

HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - we're CLOSE ON the wrinkliest,
saggiest, droopiest set of milkbags on the planet.

ON HEALY - he cringes.

HEALY (cont'd)
Oooof. First chink in the armor, Teddy
Boy....

HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - He moves his view up from the tits to
reveal...MAGDA UNDRESSING for bed.

ON HEALY - He flinches, sickened by his mistake, then
repositions the binoculars dead left to the next window.

HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - moving over to the next window we see...
Mary as she just finishes putting on some sexy t-shirt.

ON HEALY - as he starts to drool.

HEALY (cont'd)
Oh sweet Jesus

DISSOLVE TO:

Genres: Comedy, Drama, Crime
Tone: Humorous, Suspenseful, Dark

Summary Sully, intoxicated and under the influence of drugs, engages in a heated phone conversation with Healy while at home with his dog and snake. Healy, stationed outside Mary's apartment, observes her arrival and overhears a conversation between Magda and Mary, who are aware of his presence. The cop loses Magda on the radio scanner. Meanwhile, Mary relaxes indoors, watching TV and smoking marijuana. Healy uses binoculars to observe Mary and Magda undressing, but is underwhelmed by their appearance. His focus shifts back to Mary, eliciting a strong reaction.

Strengths

Blend of genres
Tension building
Character development

Weaknesses

Potential for voyeuristic themes to be uncomfortable for some viewers

General Critique

The scene starts off with Sully in a state of drug and alcohol intoxication, which may be too heavy-handed and stereotypical. It could be more effective to show his substance abuse issues in a more nuanced way.
Healy's conversation with Sully feels disjointed and lacks a clear purpose or direction. The dialogue could be more focused and purposeful to drive the plot forward.
The transition between Sully's apartment and Healy's car is abrupt and could be smoother to improve the flow of the scene.
The surveillance equipment and eavesdropping on Mary's conversation with Magda feels invasive and unethical, which may not sit well with the audience. It's important to handle themes of privacy and surveillance with sensitivity.
Healy's voyeuristic behavior towards Mary, especially with the use of binoculars, comes across as creepy and inappropriate. This could be toned down or handled in a more subtle manner.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider reworking Sully's characterization to avoid relying on stereotypes of substance abuse.
Refine the dialogue between Healy and Sully to make it more purposeful and engaging.
Smooth out the transition between different locations to improve the pacing of the scene.
Handle the themes of surveillance and privacy with more sensitivity and ethical consideration.
Reconsider Healy's voyeuristic behavior towards Mary and find a more respectful way to portray his surveillance.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

EXT. PROVIDENCE - THE HOT CLUB - DAY

Ted is sitting alone having a beer when a smiling Healy
approaches.

HEALY
I've got some very, very good news for you,
my friend.
TED
Really?
(perking up)
Very, very?

Healy sits down and motions for a beer.

HEALY
I think your life's about to change.

TED
So you found Mary?

HEALY
Right there in Liberty City. And you were
right, she's really something.

TED
(smiles)
So she hasn't changed?

HEALY
That I couldn't. say. Let me ask you
something: Was she a little big-boned
in high school?

TED
No, not at all.

HEALY
Well she must've packed on a few pounds
over the years.

This doesn't dampen Ted's enthusiasm.

TED
Mary's a little chubby, huh?

HEALY
I'd say about a deuce, deuce and a half.
Not bad.

Ted's smile starts to fade.

HEALY (cont'd)
But you know, you shit out a bunch of kids,
you're going to put on a few pounds.

TED
So she's married?

HEALY
Nope. Never been.

TED
Huh?
HEALY
Four kids, three different guys.

TED
Three different guys?

HEALY
Well I'm guessing. There's a black kid, two
whites, and a midget.

TED
Oh my.

HEALY
Hyperactive little fuckers, too. Tough to
keep up with in a wheelchair, I bet.

TED
She's in a wheelchair?!

Ted looks completely drained.

HEALY
Don't look so shocked, it's been a long
time. I bet you've changed a lot over the
last twelve years, haven't you?

TED
(shrugs)
It's just that...Mary. I wouldn't have
thought...

HEALY
Anyway, the good news is I have all the
information you need. Got it from her
bookie--nice guy. You should definitely
call her, Ted. I mean she's a real
sparkplug, that one. She seems determined
to get those rugrats off welfare and with
your help I'll bet she does it.

Ted stands and starts moping away.

TED
Thanks, Healy. Good work.

HEALY
Ted? Don't you want the name of the
housing project?

TED
Uh, that's okay.

HEALY
You sure, big guy? I'll bet she'd love to
hear from you before her mastectomy!
As Ted leaves, Healy puts his feet up on the table and sits back.

INT. TED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

We PAN across the room of unopened boxes to Ted laying awake in
bed. We hear HEAD-BANGER MUSIC coming from the apartment next
door. Finally Ted gets up and walks over to his dresser. As he
flips on a small light we see loose change, a balled-up Kleenex, a
few golf tees, and Ted's wallet. Ted picks up the wallet and opens
it.

TED'S POV - Inside is an an old high school photo of a smiling
Mary.

As Ted looks at it, he can't help but smile, too.

INT. PROVIDENCE UNION INSURANCE COMPANY - DAY

ON HEALY'S CUBICLE - Healy's taking his last boxload of crap out
of his cubicle when he spots Ted. He tries to duck back in but
Ted sees him. Healy forces a smile as Ted approaches.

TED
What are you doing?

HEALY
Oh, uh, I resigned.

Ted picks up a plane ticket off the desk.

TED
Miami?

HEALY
Yeah, this insurance business is too slow
for me. I'm going to go down and try my
hand at jai alai.

TED
Jai alai?

HEALY
Yeah, I don't know why but I always felt at
home in the fronton.

Healy starts walking out of the office and Ted follows. Healy is
having a hard time looking him in the eye. So he doesn't.

TED
Look, uh, I've been thinking about
everything you told me.

HEALY
Good good.

TED
Well I think you're right, I should look
her up.

HEALY
Rollerpig? Are you nuts?

TED
But you said she was a sparkplug...?

HEALY
I said buttplug. She's heinous.

Ted SIGHS and follows Healy out the front door.

Genres: Comedy, Drama
Tone: Humorous, Sarcastic, Melancholic

Summary Ted discovers the disappointing reality of his high school crush, Mary, from Healy, leading him to question his feelings and ultimately decide to call her despite her current situation.

Strengths

Engaging dialogue
Character dynamics
Emotional depth

Weaknesses

Mixed sentiment may confuse audience

General Critique

The scene lacks sensitivity and respect towards the character of Mary, as it focuses on her physical appearance and personal life in a derogatory manner.
The dialogue between Healy and Ted comes off as insensitive and offensive, especially when discussing Mary's weight, children, and wheelchair use.
The scene perpetuates harmful stereotypes and stigmas around disability, single motherhood, and body image, which can be hurtful and damaging.
The humor in the scene is inappropriate and crosses the line into being offensive and disrespectful towards women and individuals with disabilities.
The characterization of Mary is reduced to superficial and negative traits, undermining the complexity and depth of her character.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Reframe the conversation between Healy and Ted to focus on Mary's strengths, accomplishments, and positive qualities rather than her physical appearance and personal life choices.
Consider portraying Mary with more dignity and respect, highlighting her resilience, intelligence, and agency instead of reducing her to stereotypes.
Avoid using derogatory language and offensive humor when discussing sensitive topics such as weight, disability, and motherhood.
Explore ways to showcase Mary as a multi-dimensional character with depth and complexity, moving away from one-dimensional and demeaning portrayals.
Ensure that the scene promotes empathy, understanding, and inclusivity towards all characters, especially those who may be marginalized or misrepresented.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY

They walk across the lot toward Healy's car.

TED
All the same, I still want to call her. I
know it sounds crazy--Mary sure has a lot
of troubles in her life--but, I don't know,
maybe I can help her out.
(sighs)
The poor thing's had it tough--she's in a
wheelchair for Godsakes.

HEALY
It's a goddamn bunion. It'll heal.

TED
Oh. I thought
(beat)
That's not it anyway. I know this doesn't
make any sense to you, but I just can't
turn it off that fast. I still feel
something for her.

Healy comes to his car and puts his stuff in the trunk.

HEALY
Okay, tell you what: I'll get her number
for you just as soon as she gets back from
Japan.

TED
Japan? What's she doing in Japan?

HEALY
You've heard of mail-order brides? Well
they go that way, too.

Ted is devastated.

TED
Mary's a mail-order bride?
HEALY
Fetched a pretty penny, too. Don't forget,
it's the Sumo culture, they pay by the
pound there. Sort of like tuna.

Off Ted's look, we

CUT TO:

EXT. THE HOT CLUB - DAY

Ted and Dom are having a beer and a dog.

TED
That's it, I'm making an oath. I'll never
procrastinate about anything again. Life is
too fucking short.

DOM
Hey, look on the bright side--

TED
(interrupting)
What's that, Dom? What's the bright side?

DOM
Well...at least now you know.

TED
I think it was better when I didn't. It was
kind of inspiring to know there was someone
so pure in the world.

As Ted dwells on this, Dom bursts out LAUGHING.

TED
What's so funny?

DOM
I'm sorry, it's just that you're taking
this all wrong, pal. Don't you see? You're
liberated. I feel liberated. I mean here
you've been in therapy thinking you blew it
with the greatest girl ever, and it turns
out that getting your dick stuck in your
zipper was the best thing that ever
happened to you!

Ted flinches at this.

TED
Wait a second, I never told you that.

DOM
Christ, Ted, I was only four towns away.

Ted thinks it over.
TED
Maybe you're right. I should look on the
bright side. I mean, I've still got my
health...
(checks watch)
I'm out of here. I've got to get up at six
a.m. to move my boss's brother into his
apartment.

DOM
What? On your day off? Do you even know
the guy?

TED
Never met him.

DOM
Jesus, Ted, you've got to finish that damn
novel so you can quit that stupid magazine.

TED
Amen to that.

CUT TO:

Genres: Comedy, Drama
Tone: Humorous, Reflective, Surprising

Summary Ted expresses his desire to help Mary, despite her troubles. However, Healy reveals the shocking truth that Mary is a mail-order bride in Japan. Ted is devastated and confides in Dom, who tries to show him the positive side of his situation. Ted struggles to accept Mary's secret and resolves to find a brighter perspective.

Strengths

Engaging dialogue
Character development
Humor

Weaknesses

Some elements of humor may not resonate with all audiences

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear focus and direction, jumping from Ted expressing his desire to call Mary to Healy revealing shocking news about Mary being a mail-order bride in Japan.
The transition between Ted's emotional turmoil and Healy's revelation feels abrupt and disjointed, leaving the audience confused.
The dialogue between Ted and Healy lacks depth and emotional resonance, failing to fully explore Ted's conflicted feelings and Healy's insensitive remarks.
The humor in the scene, such as Healy's insensitive comments about Mary being a mail-order bride, comes across as insensitive and inappropriate given the sensitive nature of the topic.
The scene could benefit from more character development and emotional depth to make the audience empathize with Ted's situation and understand his motivations better.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider restructuring the scene to have a more gradual buildup of tension and emotional impact, leading to Healy's revelation about Mary.
Focus on developing Ted's internal conflict and emotional journey more effectively, allowing the audience to connect with his struggles and decisions.
Revisit the dialogue between Ted and Healy to make it more nuanced and sensitive, especially when discussing sensitive topics like Mary's situation.
Explore the emotional repercussions of Healy's revelation on Ted more deeply, showing the impact it has on his perception of Mary and his own feelings.
Consider adding more layers to the scene by incorporating subtle cues and gestures to convey the characters' emotions and inner turmoil.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

EXT. MIAMI - DRIVING RANGE - DAY

Healy pays for a bucket of balls, then takes his clubs and strolls
jauntily to...

A GOLF TEE NEXT TO MARY'S

Healy places a ball on the tee and takes a swing. He tops the ball
and it dribbles about ten yards.

HEALY
Hit a house! Bite bite!
(to Mary)
Haven't swung the wrenches in a while.

Mary nods. Healy takes another swing and duck-hooks one about
fifty yards. Mary addresses her ball, takes a smooth backswing,
and

HEALY (cont'd)
Hey, can you give me some tips here?

She cracks her shot long and straight.

MARY
Yeah, don't talk in someone's backswing.

HEALY
Thanks.

Mary tees up another ball and Healy puts down his club.
HEALY (cont'd)
I'm gonna get a soda, you want one?

MARY
(annoyed)
No thanks.

Healy pulls out a huge wad of change from his pocket.

HEALY
Oh cripes. Do you have change for a dollar?
All I have is these stupid Nepalese coins.

MARY
(interested)
Nepal? Have you been?

HEALY
Not in months. I don't even know why I
bought the damn place.

MARY
You own a home there?

HEALY
Well...it's just a condo really. Right
outside Katmandu.

MARY
Wow. That's a place I've always wanted to
go. Is it true the mountains are so tall
you can't see the tops?

HEALY
Not 'til you get about three hundred yards
from the summit. That's been my experience
anyway.

She looks impressed. Healy looks at his watch.

HEALY (cont'd)
You know, I should just get going. I'll
work on my game next week.

He flips her a coin.

HEALY (cont'd)
Here. Spend it on your trip to Katmandu.

MARY
(smiles)
Thanks.

Healy starts to walk off. Mary doesn't know what to do. Will she
ever see this guy again?
MARY (cont'd)
(CALLS after him)
It was nice meeting you!

Healy doesn't answer or turn around. He just raises his hand and
gives her a little wave.

Mary shrugs her shoulders. Oh well...

Genres: Comedy, Romance
Tone: Light-hearted, Playful, Flirtatious

Summary At a driving range, Healy tries to impress Mary with his golf skills and tales of his travels but fails to captivate her interest. He ends up leaving her baffled and alone.

Strengths

Charming interaction between Healy and Mary
Light-hearted tone
Potential for romantic subplot

Weaknesses

Lack of significant conflict
Limited character development in this specific scene

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction, as it seems to be a casual interaction between Healy and Mary at a golf tee without much depth or conflict.
The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, with Healy's attempts at humor falling flat and Mary's responses feeling unengaging.
There is a lack of tension or stakes in the scene, making it feel inconsequential and not adding much to the overall story.
The character dynamics between Healy and Mary are underdeveloped, with their interaction feeling superficial and lacking depth.
The scene could benefit from more subtext and underlying emotions to make it more engaging and meaningful.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider adding a clear objective or conflict to the scene to drive the interaction between Healy and Mary.
Work on making the dialogue more natural and engaging, focusing on developing the characters' voices and personalities.
Introduce stakes or tension to make the scene more impactful and relevant to the overall story.
Explore the character dynamics between Healy and Mary further, delving into their motivations and emotions to create a more compelling interaction.
Add subtext and depth to the scene by incorporating underlying emotions and themes that resonate with the characters' arcs and the overall narrative.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

EXT. DRIVING RANGE PARKING LOT - DAY

Healy is sitting in Sully's Chrysler LeBaron, right next to Mary's
Honda Civic.

He watches the rear-view mirror, and the moment he sees Mary
coming out from the driving range, he swings his legs out the door
and starts changing out of his golf shoes. As Mary tosses her
golf bag into the trunk, she notices Healy tying his shoes. A
second chance.

MARY
Well, it was nice meeting you, again.

HEALY
Same here again.

MARY
By the way, what's your name?

HEALY
Pat Healy.

There's an uncomfortable pause...Why doesn't this guy ask the
usual questions?

MARY
Don't you want to know my name?

HEALY
I already know it, Mary.

MARY
(surprised)
How'd you know that?

HEALY
It's right there on your golf bag.

Healy opens the back door to put away his golf shoes. Suddenly,
rolls and rolls of paper come tumbling out. Mary bends over to
help Healy pick them up.

MARY
What are you doing with all these
blueprints?

HEALY
Some buildings I'm working on.

MARY
Are you...an architect?

HEALY
Well, just until I get my PGA Tour card.

Mary stares at him, mouth agape.

HEALY (cont'd)
I'm kidding. Yeah, I guess you could call
me an architect--it's just a job really, a
way to keep me moving. My real passion is
my hobby.

MARY
What's that?

HEALY
I work with retards.

MARY
(taken aback)
I beg your pardon?

HEALY
You know...
(flaps lips with fingers)
...the guys who ride the short bus.

MARY
(put off)
Isn't that a little politically incorrect?

HEALY
The hell with that. No one's gonna tell me
who I can and can't work with.

MARY
No, I mean

HEALY
--There's this one kid, we call him Mongo
on account of he's a mongoloid. He got out
of his cage once and--

MARY
--He's in a cage?!

HEALY
Well it's more of an enclosure really.

MARY
They keep him confined? That's bullshit!

HEALY
That's what I said, so I went out and got
him a leash you know, one of those
clothesline runners for the backyard. He's
got plenty of room out there to dig. The
kid's really blossomed. Now I can take him
to ball games, movies--you know, happy
stuff.

MARY
That sounds like fun.

HEALY
Yeah, it's fun for them, but it's heaven
for me.
(getting emotional)
Those goofy bastards are just about the
best thing I have in this crazy old world.
(checks watch)
Ooh, hey, I gotta run.

MARY
(won back over)
Look, uh, I was thinking maybe we should go
have dinner sometime.

Healy smiles at this and we

CUT TO:

EXT. PROVIDENCE APARTMENT - 7:45 A.M.

A profusely sweating Ted has a DRESSER ON HIS BACK and EEKS his
way toward the front door as his BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER catches
up to him IN A WHEELCHAIR. (The man is a quadriplegic who needs to
use a MOUTHPIECE to operate his chair.)

BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
Hey, shit-for-brains, be careful not to
scratch that thing, huh?

TED
(straining)
What?

BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
You heard me. You already put a fucking
nick in my piano.

TED
(biting tongue)
I'll try to be more careful.

BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
S'matter with you? You look like you're
fading.

TED
The thing's kind of heavy.

BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
Heavy? Heavy?! What I wouldn't give to know
what heavy feels like, you insensitive
prick.

TED
No, I just meant...

BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
Yeah yeah. I'm going to the corner to get a
cup of coffee.

The Boss's Disabled Brother bites into the mouthpiece and ZIPS
AWAY up the sidewalk. Ted takes a step. Rests. A step. Rests.

ASSERTIVE WOMAN'S VOICE
Hey you!

Ted glances back toward the street to see a T.V. NEWS REPORTER
from the CHANNEL 7 I-TEAM rushing toward him with a NEWS CREW on
her heels.

T.V. NEWS REPORTER (cont'd)
Do you know that you're parked in a
handicapped spot?

CUT TO:

Genres: Comedy, Drama
Tone: Humorous, Emotional, Quirky

Summary Two strangers, Healy and Mary, meet at a driving range and strike up a connection over their shared passion for helping others. Meanwhile, Ted, a struggling man, endures verbal abuse while assisting his boss's disabled brother. The scene ends with Healy and Mary agreeing to dinner, offering a glimmer of hope amidst the challenges.

Strengths

Engaging dialogue
Well-developed characters
Humorous and emotional moments

Weaknesses

Lack of significant conflict
Low stakes

General Critique

The dialogue between Healy and Mary is awkward and lacks depth. The conversation feels forced and unrealistic, especially when Healy reveals his insensitive comments about working with mentally disabled individuals.
The character of Healy comes across as insensitive and inappropriate, which may not resonate well with the audience. His comments about the mentally disabled individuals are offensive and could be seen as disrespectful.
The transition from Healy's emotional speech about working with mentally disabled individuals to Mary asking him out to dinner feels abrupt and disjointed. The emotional impact of Healy's speech is lost in the sudden shift to a romantic invitation.
The scene lacks subtlety and nuance in addressing sensitive topics such as working with mentally disabled individuals. The dialogue and interactions between Healy and Mary could be more nuanced and respectful.
The portrayal of Healy's character as someone who uses derogatory language and insensitive remarks may not be well-received by the audience. It is important to handle such topics with care and sensitivity.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider revising the dialogue between Healy and Mary to make it more authentic and respectful. Focus on developing a genuine connection between the characters rather than relying on insensitive remarks for shock value.
Explore ways to showcase Healy's compassion and dedication to his work with mentally disabled individuals in a more positive light. Highlight the positive impact he has on their lives and the joy he finds in helping others.
Create a smoother transition between Healy's emotional speech and Mary's invitation to dinner. Build a more natural progression in their interaction to maintain the emotional resonance of Healy's character.
Handle sensitive topics with care and sensitivity, ensuring that the portrayal of characters and their interactions align with respectful and thoughtful storytelling. Avoid using derogatory language or insensitive remarks that may alienate or offend the audience.
Consider adding depth to Healy's character by exploring his motivations, backstory, and personal growth. Show his journey in a more nuanced and empathetic way to engage the audience and create a compelling narrative.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY

Ted is splayed out on a table in obvious pain while DR. LALONDE,
an old high school pal, palpates his spine.

DR. LALONDE
(smirking)
So...I see you made the news.

TED
(angry and embarrassed)
It wasn't my truck--I was helping out a guy
in a wheelchair.

DR. LALONDE
(dubious)
Uh-huh. Where was he?

TED
Out getting coffee.

DR. LALONDE
Yeah, that's more or less what the others
said, too. Out getting coffee...supposed to
meet him here...picking up my grandma...

Ted turns and GLARES at him.
DR. LALONDE (cont'd)
I'm just saying...They sure made you look
dumb.

Ted SIGHS. A couple big CRACKS of the neck.

TED
Bob, do you remember Mary?

DR. LALONDE
Who?

TED
Mary.

DR. LALONDE
From high school Mary? Yeah, I saw her
about six months ago at a convention in Las
Vegas.

Ted sits up.

TED
A convention? How'd you see her at a
convention?

DR. LALONDE
I'm an orthopedic surgeon, she's an
orthopedic surgeon.

The Doc SIGHS, still able to recall the feeling.

DR. LALONDE (cont'd)
What a babe...

Ted sits up on his elbows.

TED
Babe?

CUT TO:

INT. PROVIDENCE MUTUAL INSURANCE COMPANY - DAY

A buckled-over Ted limps into Dom's office with a crazed look on
his face.

TED
Mary's a babe!

DOM
What?

TED
My Mary--she's not in Japan, she's single,
and she's got no rugrats. She does have a
little gambling problem, she plays the
football cards a bit too much, but she's a
babe, a surgeon babe!

DOM
Huh? But why did Healy?

TED
Well think about it.

Ted folds his arms.

DOM
No You mean...?

TED
Uh-huh.

DOM
The lazy fuck just didn't bother to look
her up.

TED
(nodding)
That sneaky prick was probably practicing
his jai alai.

Dom shakes his head. Then:

DOM
Well then you've got to call her, man.

TED
Fuck calling her. I'm going down there.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

While Mary gets ready for her date, Magda sits in front of the
radio scanner in her bathrobe with her little dog Puffy on her
lap.

MAGDA
So who's the lucky guy?

MARY
Name's Patrick, I met him at the driving
range.

MAGDA
Good lookin'?

MARY
He's no Steve Young.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT 69

Healy, listening through his headphones, reacts to this.
MAGDA (V.O.)
What's he like?

MARY (V.O.)
I don't know. He's kind of a mook.

MAGDA (V.O.)
What's a mook?

MARY (V.O.)
You know, a mookalone, a schlep.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

MAGDA
Then why you going out with him if he's a
schlep?

MARY
Come on, Magda
(SIGHS)
It's like that movie Harold and Maude.

MAGDA
I don't watch the new ones.

MARY
This one's almost thirty years old. It's
about a young kid and an old lady who fall
in love.

MAGDA
That's exactly why I don't watch 'em
anymore--it's bullshit! Why the hell would
an old lady go for a young kid?

Mary smiles at this.

MARY
The point is, love isn't about money or
social standing or age, it's about
connecting with someone, having things in
common kindred spirits.

MAGDA
Fuck kindred spirits. My little Puffy
here's gonna tell you all you need to know
about this guy in about two seconds flat.
If he starts yapping, he's a loser; if
Puffy's relaxed...well, you got yourself a
keeper.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT

As Healy thinks about this, we
CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

Healy enters the building.

Genres: Comedy, Romance, Drama
Tone: Humorous, Reflective, Emotional

Summary Array

Strengths

Engaging dialogue
Emotional depth
Character development

Weaknesses

Some elements of humor may not resonate with all audiences

General Critique

The scene transitions abruptly from Ted's conversation with Dr. Lalonde to his conversation with Dom at the insurance company, which can be confusing for the audience.
The dialogue between Ted and Dr. Lalonde feels forced and lacks a natural flow, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
The revelation about Mary being a surgeon and a 'babe' seems out of place and doesn't add much to the overall story or character development.
The scene lacks a clear focus and purpose, with Ted's sudden decision to go see Mary feeling rushed and not well motivated.
The dialogue between Mary and Magda in the apartment feels disconnected from the rest of the scene and doesn't contribute much to the overall narrative.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider restructuring the scene to have a smoother transition between Ted's conversations with Dr. Lalonde and Dom, to improve the flow of the scene.
Focus on developing more natural and engaging dialogue between the characters to make the scene more relatable and interesting for the audience.
Reevaluate the significance of the revelation about Mary being a surgeon and a 'babe' to ensure it adds value to the story and character development.
Provide a clearer motivation for Ted's sudden decision to go see Mary, to make his actions more believable and engaging for the audience.
Integrate the dialogue between Mary and Magda more seamlessly into the scene to ensure it aligns with the overall narrative and contributes to the character development.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY - NIGHT

Healy tiptoes up to Mary's apartment door. He peeks through the
mail slot.

HEALY'S POV - Puffy is staring at him and GROWLING.

Healy reaches in his pocket, pulls out a VALIUM and a DOGGY TREAT.
Healy shoves the pill into the treat's soft center, examines it,
then thinks what the hell and SHOVES IN ANOTHER ONE.

Puffy GROWLS LOUDER. Healy pops the treat through the mail slot
and listens as the dog DEVOURS IT. Healy looks at his watch, then
sneaks back outside to wait a few minutes for the drugs to kick
in.

CUT TO:

INT. MARY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Healy is sitting on Mary's couch with Puffy spread-eagled
upside-down on his lap, KNOCKED OUT COLD. Mary and Magda look on
in amazement.

HEALY
(baby talk)
Oh, Pufferball likes his little tum-tum
rubbed, doesn't he now?

MARY
Wow, I've never seen him like this. He
doesn't usually like guys.

MAGDA
You mean he doesn't like bad guys.

HEALY
'That right?

MAGDA
He can tell you're an animal nut. You are,
aren't ya?

HEALY
Truth is I usually get along better with
animals than with people. In Nepal the
villagers call me 'Kin-tan-tee', which
means 'man who is loved by many animals...
(babbling)
...who love him a lot, too...and so on.'
Magda stares dreamily at Healy, smitten.

MAGDA
Would you like a glass of tea or something?

HEALY
You got a brew?

MARY
Sure.
(noticing Magda's trance)
Uh, Magda, why don't you get some more
cheese and crackers...?

MAGDA
Oh, yeah, of course, dear.

The two women go into the kitchen and Healy is left to pet the
MOTIONLESS DOG. Suddenly Healy notices that the dog is A LITTLE
TOO MOTIONLESS. Healy checks Puffy's pulse. He looks at his watch
to time the rate.

MARY (O.S.)
(CALLING out)
Sorry, Pat, out of beer. You like vodka?

HEALY
(CALLING out)
Great.

He starts SHAKING THE DOG, but Puffy doesn't move. Healy goes into
action. He starts pressing on his heart, PERFORMING DOGGIE CPR.
One-and-two-and-three, he continues trying to revive him.

MAGDA (O.S.)
(CALLING out)
Would you like a little clam-dip, honey?

HEALY
(CALLING out)
No, thanks.
(panicking)
Love a little bundt cake if you have some!

INT. MARY'S KITCHEN - SAME

Magda and Mary are on their way out the door when they stop.

MAGDA
Bundt cake?

MARY
(shrugs)
Must have a sweet tooth. See if you can
find some cookies.

As Magda starts to go through the cupboards...
INT. MARY'S FAMILY ROOM - SAME

A panicked Healy is giving the little mutt MOUTH-TO-MOUTH now.
Then back to the heart, the mouth, the heart, the mouth....

HEALY
(quietly, desperately, to Puffy)
Come on, man, stay away from the light!

Healy resumes blowing into the dog's snout, pumping his chest,
with no results. Desperate, he picks up the cheese knife and
quickly SLICES THE WIRES ON TWO TABLE LAMPS.

Healy grabs the two wires and TOUCHES THEM TOGETHER LIKE A
DEFIBRILLATOR on the little pooch's chest.

ZZZZZTTTTTT - the dog BOUNCES a couple feet off the couch as
SPARKS FLY.

Healy takes his pulse again. Nothing. He ZAPS him once more with
the LIVE WIRES.

ZZZZZTTTTT - Still nothing. Healy gets to his feet and peeks
into the kitchen. When he turns his back, we see PUFFY IGNITE IN
FLAMES.

When Healy turns back, he's horrified at what he sees. He grabs a
vase of flowers and POURS THE WATER ON THE BURNING DOG.

With this, Puffy flinches and comes to, GASPING FOR AIR!

MAGDA
All I had was some Funny Bones--how does
that sound, honey?

Healy picks up the stunned pooch and swaddles it in a blanket as
Magda ENTERS the room followed by Mary.

HEALY
(petting dog)
Fine. Fine.

MARY
Here you go.
(sniffs)
What's that smell?

Mary hands Healy his vodka and as he downs it, we

CUT TO:

EXT. MIAMI MUSEUM - NIGHT

Healy looks slightly disoriented as Mary leads the way into the
courtyard area by the main building.
HEALY
The museum? I thought we were going out to
dinner?

MARY
We will, but first I have a surprise.

HEALY
A surprise?

MARY
The architecture exhibit! My friend Tucker
is going to be here. He's an architect,
too. You guys will have tons to talk about.

CLOSE ON HEALY'S FACE as he starts to panic.

Genres: Comedy, Drama
Tone: Humorous, Suspenseful, Quirky

Summary Healy accidentally overdoses Mary's dog, Puffy, with a Valium-laced treat. In a panic, he attempts to revive the dog using unconventional methods, including CPR, mouth-to-mouth, and even defibrillation with table lamps. Despite his efforts, Puffy ignites on fire, but Healy manages to extinguish the flames with water, reviving the dog. Healy's disorientation and forgetfulness about dinner plans with Mary and Magda add a comedic touch to the chaotic scene.

Strengths

Humor
Character interactions
Unexpected twists

Weaknesses

Lack of emotional depth
Minimal character development

General Critique

The scene starts off with a comical and light-hearted tone as Healy tries to drug Mary's dog, but quickly escalates into a dark and disturbing sequence of events involving the dog being knocked out, revived with extreme measures, and ultimately catching on fire.
The transition from a humorous situation to a serious and potentially upsetting one feels jarring and out of place, creating tonal inconsistencies.
The actions taken by Healy, such as performing CPR and using live wires on the dog, may be too extreme and unrealistic, which can disconnect the audience from the story.
The dialogue and interactions between Healy, Mary, and Magda lack depth and believability, especially considering the bizarre and chaotic events unfolding.
The scene lacks a clear purpose or relevance to the overall plot, making it feel like a random and unnecessary addition to the script.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider revising the scene to maintain a consistent tone throughout, either by leaning fully into the dark humor or by toning down the extreme actions taken by Healy.
Focus on developing the characters and their relationships in a more organic and believable way, ensuring that their actions and dialogue align with their personalities and motivations.
Reevaluate the relevance of the scene to the overall story and consider whether it adds meaningful depth or progression to the plot. If not, consider removing or reworking it to better serve the narrative.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. ARCHITECTURE EXHIBIT

Mary and Healy walk through the exhibit area. Mary scans the room
for her friend. Healy's face is ashen.

MARY
I know he's around here someplace.

HEALY
(chipper)
What say we get outta here and go crush a
bucket?

MARY
We just got here thirty seconds ago. Isn't
this stuff great?

Mary points to an architectural model.

MARY (cont'd)
Is this one art deco or art nouveau?

HEALY
Deco.

MARY
Would you call that a portico or a
vestibule?

HEALY
That...? Vestibule.

MARY
How about--?

HEALY
When you look at architecture, try not to
concern yourself with the pieces--look at
the building in its totalitarianism.
Mary gives him a look. Suddenly, Healy draws a couple of invisible
sixshooters at her.

HEALY (cont'd)
Stone crab time! Come on, let's get outta
here, goofy.

He turns to go but Mary notices something O.S.

MARY
Tucker!

Mary leads Healy over to her friend TUCKER, a
distinguished-looking man in his fifties. Healy looks like a dog
that's being dragged to the vet. Mary and Tucker embrace.

TUCKER
(still hugging)
Come on, like you mean it.

Mary LAUGHS and hugs Tucker tighter. Then:

MARY
Tucker, this is my friend Pat Healy.
Healy and Tucker shake hands.

TUCKER
Pleasure to meet you, Patrick.

HEALY
Same here.

MARY
Pat's an architect, too.

TUCKER
Hey, no kidding? Where are your offices?

HEALY
(keeping cool)
Mainly I work out of Boston.

TUCKER
Boston, huh? Did you get your degree up
there?

HEALY
Yes yes, I did get my degree up there.

TUCKER
Harvard?

HEALY
You bet.

TUCKER
(pleased)
Did you study under Kim Greene?

HEALY
Among others.

TUCKER
Kim and I are close friends!

HEALY
Well, I'll tell her I ran into you.

TUCKER
You mean him.

BEAT.

HEALY
Well...that's debatable.

Healy makes a hand-gesture to imply that Kim's sexuality is in
doubt.

TUCKER
Really? But he's been married for twenty
years--they've got six kids.

HEALY
Nice smokescreen, isn't it?

Tucker can hardly believe his ears.

MARY
Pat does projects all over the world.

TUCKER
(impressed)
Where would I have seen your work?

HEALY
Have you been to
(thinking hard)
Let's see--Santiago, Chile?

TUCKER
Absolutely! I was there twice last year.
Which building is yours?

HEALY
Do you know the...soccer stadium?

TUCKER
Did you build the Estadio Olympico?

HEALY
No...just down the street, the Amigo Tower.

TUCKER
I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with it. What
style?

HEALY
Uh, sort of nouveau deco...with a big
vestibule. Check it out next time you're up
there.

Tucker starts to look a little suspicious.

TUCKER
You know, I really should take your card.

HEALY
(noticing something)
Oh look, it's Doob! Will you excuse me a
minute, Tucker?

Healy drags Mary across the room toward a MAN who's looking at an
exhibit.

HEALY
(to Man)
Dooby, you old sheep-fucker! How the hell
are ya?

MAN
My name's Mel.

HEALY
Oh, sorry. Anyone ever tell you you look
just like Jim Dubois?

MAN
The sheepfucker?

Healy shrugs and the man walks away angrily.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT

A two-door Toyota Tercel flies by the camera.

Genres: Comedy, Drama
Tone: Light-hearted, Sarcastic, Emotional

Summary Mary and Healy seek out Mary's architect friend, Tucker, at an architecture exhibit. Healy fabricates his architecture credentials, claiming to have designed a building in Chile, leading to a humorous conversation with Tucker and other attendees.

Strengths

Witty dialogue
Character development
Humorous interactions

Weaknesses

Potential lack of authenticity in Healy's actions
Limited emotional depth in some interactions

General Critique

The dialogue between Mary and Healy feels forced and unnatural, lacking in genuine chemistry or connection.
Healy's attempt to impress Tucker with his architectural background comes across as insincere and unconvincing.
The interaction between Healy and Tucker feels awkward and strained, with Healy's lies and exaggerations becoming increasingly obvious.
The scene lacks depth and emotional resonance, failing to engage the audience or advance the plot in a meaningful way.
Healy's behavior and dialogue come off as erratic and inconsistent, making it difficult for the audience to connect with his character.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Focus on developing a more authentic and engaging dynamic between Mary and Healy to make their interactions feel more natural and compelling.
Consider toning down Healy's exaggerations and lies to make his character more believable and relatable.
Work on creating a more meaningful and purposeful interaction between Healy, Mary, and Tucker to drive the plot forward and add depth to the characters.
Ensure that the dialogue and actions of the characters align with their motivations and personalities to maintain consistency and coherence in the scene.
Explore opportunities to inject more emotion, depth, and conflict into the scene to make it more impactful and engaging for the audience.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. TOYOTA TERCEL

A determined Ted is cruising along the highway in his rent-a-car.
He has a cup of coffee in his hand and a HITCHHIKER in the seat
beside him. The Hitchhiker sits with a LARGE RED DUFFEL BAG
between his legs.

HITCHHIKER
Thanks for picking me up.

TED
No prob, I could use the company. I've been
on the road going on fifteen hours
straight.

HITCHHIKER
I know how you feel--I been standing in the
same spot for the last five hours. You know
it's against the law to pick up a
hitchhiker in this state.

TED
That must make it tough.

HITCHHIKER
Sucks. So what's up? You some kind of
salesman or something?

TED
Nah. I'm...I'm nothing.

HITCHHIKER
Oh. Well I am.

TED
Hm?

HITCHHIKER
A salesman--that's what I am. I mean, I'm
gonna be anyway. I'm starting my own
company--video sales--just as soon as I get
enough seed money.

TED
'That right? Good for you.

HITCHHIKER
Yeah, you wouldn't believe my idea--it's a
home run. You ever hear of Eight-Minute
Abs?

TED
The exercise tape? Sure, I've seen it on
T.V.

HITCHHIKER
Two million copies it sold last year. Two
million, man. But not next year--my idea's
gonna blow them outta the water. Get this:
(dramatic pause)
Seven-Minute Abs.

BEAT.

TED
I see where you're going.

HITCHHIKER
(big smile)
Think about it. You walk into a video
store and you see Eight-Minute Abs and
right next to it you see Seven-Minute
Abs--which one you gonna spring for?

TED
I'd go with the seven.

HITCHHIKER
Bingo. Especially since we guarantee you'll
get every bit as good a work-out.

TED
How do you guarantee that?

HITCHHIKER
Well it's the company motto: 'If you ain't
happy we'll send you the extra minute.'

TED
Huh. That sounds great.
(beat)
Unless someone else comes out with
Six-Minute Abs.

Ted CHUCKLES, but the Hitchhiker just GLARES at him, unamused.

TED (cont'd)
(unaware)
I'm gonna pull over. I gotta take a leak.

EXT. REST AREA - NIGHT

The Toyota Tercel pulls in and parks. Ted gets out and walks into
the bushes to whiz.

ON TED - as he steps into the dark brush UNZIPPING his fly he
TRIPS over something and FALLS TO THE GROUND.

TED
What the--?

Suddenly WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHOOSH--several huge SPOTLIGHTS
illuminate the area revealing

TWO DOZEN FRIGHTENED MEN scurrying to pull their pants up all
around him.

POLICE OFFICER (O.S.)
THIS IS A RAID!

ANGLE ON a startled Ted ON HIS KNEES directly in front of
ANOTHER MAN, making it appear that he's been BLOWING THE GUY.

REVERSE ANGLE reveals a DOZEN POLICE OFFICERS holding the
spotlights and moving in for the arrests followed by a CAMERA
CREW.
TED
(deer caught in headlights)
Wait a second, it's not what you think.

A GUY with his pants at his ankles jumps on the bandwagon.

PANTS AT ANKLES GUY
That's right! I-I-I was just pissing!

Ted glares at him.

TED
No! I was pissing!

POLICE OFFICER
Yeah, I'll bet you all were. Come on, in
the truck.

As they grab Ted and the others and hustle them away, we

PAN TO the Hitchhiker sitting in the Toyota watching the raid
unfold.

The Hitchhiker is clearly PANICKY at the sight of all the cops.

Quietly he OPENS THE CAR DOOR, ducks down, and then SPRINTS AWAY
INTO THE WOODS UNSEEN, LEAVING HIS BIG RED BAG BEHIND.

CUT TO:

CLOSE UP OF TELEVISION SCREEN as the bust continues. Each of the
men COVER THEIR FACES as they pass by the camera, EXCEPT FOR TED
who is extremely visible.

TED
(to Cop)
Okay, take it easy, you don't have to push.

REVERSE ANGLE REVEALS a shocked Dom and his wife watching this
on their television.

DOM
Oh my God. Is that...?

DOM'S WIFE
(matter-of-fact)
Told you he was gay.

BACK ON THE TELEVISION - The COPS struggle to get the feisty Ted
into a police van.

TED
I was taking a leak!

T.V. ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
We'll be right back with more of our
special edition of COPS - LIVE IN THE
BIBLE BELT!

CUT TO:

Genres: Comedy
Tone: Humorous, Light-hearted, Sarcastic

Summary Ted's encounter with a hitchhiker takes an unexpected turn when they both get caught in a police raid at a rest area. The hitchhiker flees, leaving Ted alone to face the consequences.

Strengths

Humorous dialogue
Comedic situations
Engaging characters

Weaknesses

Lack of emotional depth
Minimal character development

General Critique

The scene starts off with a promising setup of Ted picking up a hitchhiker, but the conversation between Ted and the hitchhiker about the video sales company feels disconnected from the rest of the script.
The humor in the scene, particularly the conversation about Seven-Minute Abs, feels forced and doesn't quite land effectively.
The transition from the conversation in the car to the rest area raid feels abrupt and disjointed, lacking a smooth flow.
The reveal of the police raid and the misunderstanding with Ted being mistaken for engaging in illicit activities is a common trope that may come off as cliched.
The Hitchhiker's sudden panic and escape from the scene feels rushed and doesn't have a clear motivation or resolution.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider tightening the dialogue between Ted and the hitchhiker to make it more relevant to the overall story and characters.
Work on integrating the humor more naturally into the scene to ensure it resonates with the audience.
Smooth out the transition between the car conversation and the rest area raid to create a more cohesive narrative flow.
Explore more original and unexpected ways to introduce conflict and humor into the scene, avoiding cliches.
Provide a clearer motivation and resolution for the Hitchhiker's panicked escape to add depth to the character and enhance the scene's impact.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

EXT. MIAMI STREET - NIGHT

Healy and Mary are walking home at the end of their date. Healy is
eating a big, wild cone of COTTON CANDY and drinking a beer.

HEALY
That grandmother of yours--she's really
something.

MARY
Magda? She's not my grandmother--actually
she rents the apartment right next to mine.
Her husband passed away a couple years ago
so she doesn't like to be alone.

HEALY
And it doesn't cramp your style?

MARY
Sadly, no. Well except for the lint.

HEALY
Lint?

MARY
Yeah, I think it's that dog of hers running
around on the rug all day--just makes for a
lot of lint. Look at this...

Mary lifts her shirt, revealing a BIG CLUMP OF COTTON CANDY
STICKING OUT OF HER BELLY-BUTTON.

MARY (cont'd)
See? That's just one day.

Healy CRACKS UP and then gazes at her. What a babe.

HEALY
You know, sometimes I wish I could be like
Magda and not go home. I'd like to just
bounce around for awhile, do a little
traveling...

MARY
Why bounce when you have your own condo in
Nepal to go to?

It's clear Healy forgot about that one.

HEALY
Ah, I'd sell that. Start fresh in a new
place, quit the architect game, slow things
down, read more books, see more movies...
MARY
You're a movie buff?

HEALY
Try to be. It's tough going with the crap
they make today. If Dumb and Dumber's the
best they've got to offer I say thanks but
no thanks.

MARY
Have you seen it?

HEALY
No. But the Boston Globe critic Jay Carr
hated it.

MARY
A fucking moron.

HEALY
Huh. I guess I just wish they made them
like they used to. You know, something like
The Heartbreak Kid...or Harold and
Maude.

Mary can't believe her ears.

MARY
Harold and Maude is my all-time favorite
movie.

HEALY
Ouch. Come on, don't bust my chops. I know
it's corny, but I do love it.

MARY
Pat, I'm not kidding. I really think it's
the greatest--

HEALY
--Love story of our time.

Mary smiles. Is this guy for real?

MARY
Yeah.

HEALY
Wow. I thought I was the only one.

They come to her apartment building and stop. It gets a little
awkward.

MARY
So...
HEALY
Yeah...I guess this is it, huh?

MARY
I guess.

HEALY
Well, I'll see ya.

Healy turns to go but stops.

HEALY (cont'd)
Mary ah, forget it.

MARY
What?

HEALY
No, forget it, it was stupid.

MARY
Come on, what were you going to say?

HEALY
Nah, really, it was moronic.

She grabs him by the shirt playfully.

MARY
Just say it.

Healy takes a deep breath.

HEALY
Could I feel your bosoms before I go?

Mary just stares at him.

MARY (beat)
Knock yourself out.

Healy reaches out and cups her breasts. He doesn't kiss her, she
doesn't kiss him, he just fondles her breasts. Then:

HEALY
Okey-dokey, so tomorrow night?

She smiles and as Healy walks away we

CUT TO:

INT. SOUTH CAROLINA PRISON - DAY

Ted is sitting alone at a table in a small interrogation room.

PULLBACK to reveal that he is being observed through a two-way
mirror by two detectives, FRANEK and CAVALLO.
DETECTIVE FRANEK
Man, they never look like you'd expect.

DETECTIVE CAVALLO
That's probably how he got the victim to
drop his guard.

DETECTIVE FRANEK
Where'd they find the body?

DETECTIVE CAVALLO
In a big red bag on the front passenger
seat. All hacked up--fucking gruesome--a
real psycho, this one.

The Detectives ENTER the room.

Genres: Romantic Comedy, Drama, Crime
Tone: Humorous, Romantic, Dramatic

Summary Healy and Mary walk home after their date, discussing Mary's neighbor Magda and her lint problem. Mary reveals a clump of cotton candy in her belly button. They bond over their love for the movie Harold and Maude. Healy awkwardly asks to feel Mary's breasts before leaving. The conflict arises when Healy makes the request, but it is resolved when Mary allows him to do so. The scene ends with them making plans for the next night, maintaining a light-hearted and flirtatious tone throughout.

Strengths

Engaging dialogue
Authentic character interactions
Humorous moments

Weaknesses

Awkward request at the end may not resonate with all audiences

General Critique

The scene between Healy and Mary starts off with a light-hearted and humorous tone, but takes a sudden awkward turn when Healy asks to feel Mary's breasts. This moment feels out of place and uncomfortable, especially considering their previous interactions.
The dialogue between Healy and Mary about movies like 'Harold and Maude' is engaging and shows a connection between the characters. However, the transition from this meaningful conversation to Healy's inappropriate request feels jarring and disrupts the flow of the scene.
The physical interaction between Healy and Mary lacks emotional depth and comes across as crude and unnecessary. It undermines the potential for a genuine connection between the characters and shifts the focus of the scene in a negative direction.
The ending of the scene, with Healy asking Mary out for another night, feels forced and insincere after the awkward moment that preceded it. It would have been more effective to address the discomfort caused by Healy's request before moving on to future plans.
Overall, the scene could benefit from a more nuanced approach to character interactions and a more thoughtful handling of sensitive topics to maintain the tone and integrity of the story.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider revising the dialogue and actions in the scene to maintain a consistent tone and avoid abrupt shifts in mood.
Focus on developing the emotional connection between Healy and Mary in a more authentic and respectful manner.
Revisit the character dynamics and motivations to ensure that their interactions align with the overall narrative and character arcs.
Explore alternative ways to create tension and drama in the scene without resorting to inappropriate or uncomfortable moments.
Work on crafting a more organic and meaningful progression of events that serve the characters and the story effectively.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY

Ted stands as the Detectives take a seat across from him.

TED
(agitated)
I'm telling you, I did not solicit sex! I
was just stopping to go the bathroom, next
thing I know I tripped over something--well
someone--and, POOF, there's cops and
lights and--

DETECTIVE FRANEK
Okay, calm down, Ted, we believe you.
(beat)
The problem is we found your friend in
the car.

As Ted sits back down the Detectives just stare at him. Finally
Ted thinks he gets it.

TED
Oh. The hitchhiker.
(CHUCKLES)
That's what this is all about.

Ted puts his head in his hands and smiles.

TED (cont'd)
Isn't that just my luck--I get caught for
everything.

DETECTIVE CAVALLO
So you admit it?

TED
Guilty as charged. I'm not gonna play games
with you. I could give you a song and dance
but what's the point? I did it and we all
know it.
(laughs)
The hitcher himself told me it's
illegal The irony.

The Detectives are surprised by his forthrightness.

DETECTIVE CAVALLO
Well, uh, can you tell us his name?

TED
Jeez, I didn't catch it.

The Detectives flinch at his glib demeanor.

DETECTIVE FRANEK
So he was a stranger? It was totally
random?

TED
(confused)
He was the first hitcher I saw, what can I
tell you? Now cut to the chase, how much
trouble am I in?

The Detectives look at one another.

DETECTIVE FRANEK
First tell us why you did it.

TED
Why I did it?
(scoffs)
I don't know. Boredom? I thought I was
doing the guy a favor.

The Detectives look at each other.

DETECTIVE CAVALLO
This wasn't your first time, was it, Ted?
How many we talking?

TED
Hitchhikers? I don't know--fifty...a
hundred maybe--Who keeps track?

Finally Detective Cavallo EXPLODES across the table and starts
WAILING on a shocked Ted.

DETECTIVE CAVALLO
You sonofabitch! You're gonna fry!!!!

CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S OFFICE - MORNING

Mary pulls up in her Honda Civic. She parks out front and enters
the building.

PAN ACROSS THE STREET TO REVEAL - Healy is parked in his car.
His surveillance equipment is pointed toward Mary's office.

INT. MARY'S OFFICE - MORNING

Mary walks into the office and sees a MEDICAL ASSISTANT standing
near the coffee maker.

MARY
Mornin', Jane.

MEDICAL ASSISTANT #1
Good morning, Doctor. Your friend Tucker's
in your office to see you.

Mary nods and heads toward her office.

INT. MARY'S OFFICE - SAME

Mary walks into her office and sees Tucker seated at her desk.
(SHOT FROM behind Tucker so we only see the back of his head.)

TUCKER
What's up, Doc?

MARY
Tucker, you look different some how. Did
you do something with your hair?

MARY'S POV - Tucker's got two TONGUE DEPRESSORS under his upper
lip making him look like a walrus.

TUCKER
The teeth, the teeth. I got 'em capped.

ON MARY - smiles.

MARY
Oh yeah, they look great.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - SAME

He's got his listening gun fixed on Mary's office.

TUCKER (V.O.)
You don't think they're too big?

MARY (V.O.)
No no, the bigger the better.
(beat)
But I must say, they could be a little
brighter. Nothing's sexier than a mouthful
of pearly whites.

Healy looks at his teeth in the mirror. Not exactly pearly.
INT. MARY'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Tucker pulls the tongue depressors out of his teeth and laughs. He
stands up, and when Mary tries to squeeze past him he gives her a
kiss on the cheek.

TUCKER
You ever been laid in this office?

Mary pushes past him.

MARY
Behave yourself, Tucker.
(smiles)
Come on, what are you doing here?

She sits in her chair and leans against her desk.

TUCKER
I wanted to talk to you about your friend
Patrick.

EXT. HEALY'S CAR - CONTINUOUS

Healy almost flies out of his seat.

MARY (O.S.)
He's a nice guy, isn't he?

TUCKER (O.S.)
Well that's what I'm trying to figure
out. How long have you known him?

Genres: Drama, Comedy, Mystery
Tone: Agitated, Surprised, Awkward, Playful, Intrigued

Summary In an interrogation room, Detectives Franeck and Cavallo confront Ted about picking up a hitchhiker. Ted nonchalantly admits to the crime, frustrating the detectives with his lack of remorse. Detective Cavallo's anger escalates, leading to a physical attack on Ted.

Strengths

Sharp dialogue
Engaging characters
Blend of genres and tones
Intriguing revelations

Weaknesses

Some elements of humor may not resonate with all audiences
Limited character development in this specific scene

General Critique

The scene starts off with a strong sense of tension and conflict as Ted is being interrogated by the Detectives, but the tone quickly shifts to a more light-hearted and comedic one with Ted's glib demeanor and nonchalant attitude towards the situation.
The dialogue between Ted and the Detectives feels a bit forced and unrealistic, especially with Ted's overly casual and almost flippant responses to the serious accusations being made against him.
The scene lacks depth and emotional resonance, as Ted's behavior and reactions come across as too exaggerated and unbelievable given the gravity of the situation he is in.
The transition from Ted's interrogation to Mary's office scene feels abrupt and disjointed, leaving the audience disconnected from the narrative flow.
There is a missed opportunity to explore the internal conflict and emotional turmoil Ted may be experiencing, as his behavior and responses seem too one-dimensional and lacking in complexity.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider toning down Ted's glib demeanor and adding more depth to his character by exploring his internal struggles and conflicting emotions in a more nuanced way.
Focus on creating a more seamless transition between the interrogation scene and Mary's office scene to maintain the narrative coherence and keep the audience engaged.
Work on refining the dialogue to make it more realistic and impactful, ensuring that the interactions between characters feel authentic and serve to advance the plot effectively.
Consider incorporating more emotional depth and character development to enhance the overall impact of the scene and create a more compelling and engaging story for the audience.
Explore different ways to build tension and suspense in the scene, while also balancing it with moments of humor and light-heartedness to create a more dynamic and engaging narrative.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. MARY'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Tucker has a look of concern.

MARY
Not long at all, but I really like him.
(off Tucker's look)
Okay, I know he's a little different,
Tucker, but that's what I like about him.
He's a guy. A real guy. He dresses like a
dork and eats corndogs and he isn't always
politically correct and he probably farts,
too. And that's okay with me.

TUCKER
That's what you've been looking for--a
farter?

MARY
I've been looking for a guy--not one of
these South Beach pussies.

TUCKER
(SIGHS)
Look, it's just that something about him
struck me as odd last night. He gave me
this funny vibe. Anyway, I called some
friends back east. They don't know of any
architect named Patrick Healy and he's not
listed as a Harvard alumnus.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - SAME

Healy SLAMS his hand on the steering wheel.

HEALY
Fuck!!

MARY (O.S.)
Huh...that's strange.

INT. MARY'S OFFICE - SAME

TUCKER
I thought so. Anyway, I hope you don't
think I'm being meddlesome. I just think
you should be careful with this guy.

MARY
(concerned)
No no no, Tucker, thank you.

TUCKER
I mean let's face it, Mary, you're
beautiful, you've got money, you trust
people--I'm just saying, there's a lot of
psychos out there.

MARY
(small smile)
I appreciate you looking out for me.

CUT TO:

INT. SOUTH CAROLINA PRISON - DAY

CLOSE ON - Detective Franek as he SPEAKS, sheepishly. His
remorseful- looking partner Cavallo stands behind him.

DETECTIVE FRANEK
On behalf of the entire South Carolina law
enforcement community, I would like to
offer our heartfelt apologies for any pain
or temporary inconvenience we may have
caused you, Mr. Peloquin.

REVERSE ANGLE - reveals that Ted is lying on his prison bed
being spooned by a 300-pound SLEEPING INMATE.

INT. PRISON HALLWAY
The two Detectives and an apoplectic Ted walk down the hallway.

DETECTIVE FRANEK
At exactly 10:48 this morning a man was
apprehended not far from where you were
arrested. He was identified as an escaped
mental patient and subsequently confessed
to the murder that you were being held for.
Lab tests confirmed a fingerprint match on
the bag.

TED
(fragile)
So...I'm free to go?

Detective Cavallo stops and holds out his hand.

DETECTIVE CAVALLO
No harm, no foul?

TED
(stunned)
I guess.

Still traumatized, Ted shakes the man's hand, then mopes toward
the door.

DETECTIVE FRANEK
By the way, there's somebody here to see
you.

CUT TO:

INT. TED'S CAR - DAY

Dom is driving; a bruised and somber Ted is in the passenger seat.

DOM
You are one lucky sonofabitch, you know
that?

TED
I am?

DOM
Didn't they tell you? That hitcher was just
about to cut your throat when you stopped
to take a leak. You got a fucking horseshoe
up your ass, man.

TED
Yeah feels like it.

Ted grimaces and shifts in his seat.

TED (cont'd)
How the hell did you get here anyway?

DOM
Flew.
(beat)
Told my wife I was going to a Promise
Keepers convention.

Ted gives him a look.

DOM (cont'd)
I hate to ruin your day, Ted, but I have
some bad news for you.

Ted SIGHS.

TED
(resigned)
Shoot.

DOM
Remember our friend Healy? Well, I didn't
know where to mail his last paycheck so I
sent my assistant by his mother's
apartment. Turns out there is no diabetic
mom. Landlord said she's been dead for ten
years.

TED
And this adversely affects me how...?

DOM
Don't you see?--Healy lied to us about
everything! The landlord said when he got
back from Miami he kept talking about
falling for some doctor named Mary!

Ted is stunned.

TED
Huh? What? No...My Mary? Mary wouldn't go
for him....would she?

Dom hands Ted a SLIP OF PAPER.

DOM
His address in Miami. You know, when you
think about it, we really don't know the
first thing about this guy.

Finally the implications of this dawn on Ted.

TED
Jesus Christ what have I done?

CUT TO:

Genres: Comedy, Drama, Mystery
Tone: Humorous, Suspenseful, Emotional

Summary Mary defends her attraction to Healy despite Tucker's concerns about his background. Detective Franek apologizes for Ted's wrongful arrest, revealing the real killer's apprehension. Dom informs Ted about Healy's lies and obsession with Mary, leaving Ted worried for her safety.

Strengths

Engaging dialogue
Well-developed characters
Twists and turns in the plot

Weaknesses

Some elements of humor may not resonate with all audiences

General Critique

The scene transitions abruptly from Mary and Tucker discussing Healy to Detective Franek apologizing to Ted in prison, which can be disorienting for the audience.
The tone shifts drastically from a light-hearted conversation to a serious apology in a prison setting, which can be jarring for the viewers.
The dialogue between Detective Franek and Ted feels forced and lacks authenticity, especially with the line 'No harm, no foul?'
The scene lacks a smooth flow and cohesion between the different elements, making it feel disjointed and disconnected.
The introduction of new information about Healy through Dom's revelation feels rushed and could have been integrated more seamlessly into the narrative.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider restructuring the scene to have a more gradual transition between the different storylines to maintain the audience's engagement.
Work on maintaining a consistent tone throughout the scene to ensure a smooth viewing experience for the audience.
Revise the dialogue between Detective Franek and Ted to make it more realistic and impactful, enhancing the emotional depth of the scene.
Focus on creating a stronger connection between the various elements of the scene to improve the overall coherence and flow of the narrative.
Integrate the revelation about Healy's deception more organically into the scene to build suspense and intrigue for the audience.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - EVENING

A confused Mary and her girlfriends are in the apartment while
Magda listens to the radio scanner in the b.g.

LISA
You're not seriously thinking about going
out with this guy again?

JOANNIE
Mary, he sounds like a psycho!

MAGDA
Would you hens quit ya cackling and let her
do what she wants to do. Puffy liked him
and Puffy's never wrong.

The girlfriends roll their eyes.

BRENDA
Mary, the guy's full of shit.

MARY
What if he's not? What if Tucker just made
an honest mistake?

LISA
What if he didn't?

It's clear that Mary is torn.

MARY
I don't know how I can bail now, he's going
to be here any minute.

JOANNIE
Well then blow him off when he gets here.

MARY
But you didn't meet him. He seems so I
don't know...perfect...kind of.

BRENDA
He has a big cock, doesn't he?

Mary shoots Brenda a look.

MAGDA
Hey hey, what did you say Pat's last name
was?

MARY
Healy.

Magda's eyes almost come out of her head.

MAGDA
I think you better listen to this.

Magda turns up the volume on her scanner and we can clearly hear
Healy TALKING ON HIS CELLULAR PHONE. Mary and her girlfriends
gather around.

SULLY (V.O.)
So where the hell are you, Healy?

HEALY (V.O.)
Ah, I got a date tonight with that Mary
girl I told you about.

SULLY (V.O.)
The sawbones?

HEALY (V.O.)
Yep.

The girls all look at one another.

BRENDA
We hit the motherlode.

MARY
We shouldn't be listening to this.

LISA AND JOANNIE
Shhh.

SULLY (V.O.)
She still think you're a fucking architect?

HEALY (V.O.)
Oh yeah.

SULLY (V.O.)
Dumbshit.

LISA
Mr. Perfect, huh?

Mary starts to feel like a fool.

MARY
(edgy)
Turn it up, Magda.

HEALY (V.O.)
Hey, watch your mouth--she's a great gal.
I'm the dumbshit for lying to her.

SULLY (V.O.)
Why didn't you just tell her the truth?

HEALY (V.O.)
I don't know. I guess...it just seems that
women today are more impressed by the
mighty buck than by some schmo who spent
the last seventeen years scraping by on
Peace Corp wages.

The girls all seem moved by this.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT

Healy is parked out front, the phone in one hand, a SCRIPT in the
other, as he listens to Sully read the following words:

SULLY (V.O.)
But Jesus, Pat, if she's as special as you
say, she's going to want to hear about
the things you did.

HEALY
(dismissing this)
Ahh.

INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - SAME

A disheveled and wired-looking Sully is sitting on the couch in
his underwear READING FROM THE SAME SCRIPT. There's COKE on the
table, DOG SHIT on the floor, and FLIES everywhere.

In the B.G. we see the Great Dane SNIFFING at his empty bowl and
the Boa Constrictor sprawled out on the floor, barely moving.

SULLY
(reading)
Come on, you could tell her about the
irrigation ditches you dug in Sudan, the
orphan babies who cried in your arms in
Romania...
(does a line of blow)
...the hope you gave Freddie the leper in
Calcutta...

Suddenly the dog snatches the page out of his hand and STARTS TO
EAT IT.

BACK ON Mary and friends.

JOANNIE
(welling up)
I love this man.

Magda folds her arms and gloats.

Genres: Comedy, Drama, Romance
Tone: Humorous, Emotional, Sarcastic

Summary Mary's friends confront her about her upcoming date with Healy. Healy overhears their conversation and realizes his lies have been exposed. Mary overhears Healy's confession and confronts him, ending the date.

Strengths

Engaging dialogue
Well-developed characters
Blend of humor and emotion

Weaknesses

Some elements of eavesdropping may feel contrived or unrealistic

General Critique

The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, as it jumps between different locations and characters without a cohesive thread.
The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, with characters making abrupt shifts in emotions and reactions.
The scene lacks depth and fails to engage the audience in a meaningful way, as the interactions between characters feel superficial.
There is a lack of character development and consistency, as Mary's reactions and decisions seem erratic and inconsistent.
The scene relies heavily on exposition through dialogue, which makes it feel heavy-handed and uninteresting.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Focus on developing a clear central conflict or theme for the scene to revolve around.
Work on creating more organic and realistic dialogue that reflects the characters' personalities and motivations.
Consider streamlining the scene by focusing on a smaller group of characters and locations to avoid confusion.
Add layers to the characters by exploring their internal conflicts and motivations, which will make their actions more believable.
Show, don't tell - use visual cues and actions to convey information and emotions instead of relying solely on dialogue.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT

HEALY
Look, I did all those things for myself.
I'll be honest with you, I'm a selfish
prick. I get a high from helping all of
God's creatures. An honest to goodness
high.

Just then, Healy sees a bug on the car window and instinctively
squashes it.

ON SULLY - he has the phone wedged between his cheek and
shoulder as he STRUGGLES with the dog to get the script.

Sully still can't retrieve the script, nor his next line.

SULLY
(winging it)
That's bullshit, man you, uh, you were on
the front line. Remember the, uh,
malaria the, uh, typhoon fever that
vicious strain of genital herpes?

ON MARY AND FRIENDS - they flinch at this.

ON HEALY - he stares at the phone, horrified.

HEALY (V.O.)
Uh, sure. I cured a lot of nasty
illnesses in third-world countries.

ON MARY AND FRIENDS - as they let out a sigh.

HEALY (V.O.) (cont'd)
The bottom line is, I'm not going to use my
philanthropy as some form of
currency...especially after what I did.
(SIGHS)
I lied to this poor girl. Lied. man. She
deserved better.

SULLY (V.O.)
Hey, love will make you do fucked-up
things.

HEALY (V.O.)
You said it, mister.
(choking up)
I gotta go.

ON SULLY - as he HANGS UP the phone and does another line, we

PAN TO the Great Dane Hal as he looks around for something,
anything to eat. He SNIFFS at a sock, then a beer bottle, before
finally setting his sights on the Boa Constrictor Bill. Bill
glances the dog's way nervously, SENSES TROUBLE, and wiggles his
way into another room. As Hal TAKES OFF after the snake, we

CUT TO:

INT. MARY'S HALLWAY - NIGHT
Healy starts to knock on Mary's door, but, before he can, the door
suddenly swings open revealing a beaming Mary.

HEALY
(startled)
Oh Mary. Look, there's something I have
to tell you. I'm not

Before he can finish, Mary steps forward and their mouths meet in
a passionate KISS.

DISSOLVE TO:

MONTAGE OF MARY AND HEALY COURTING

--As Mary watches, Healy plays TOUCH FOOTBALL with Warren and a
few of his friends. Healy catches a pass then, trying a little too
hard to impress Mary, he delivers a forearm shiver to his defender
and gives Warren a vicious STRAIGHT-ARM. When Healy gets into the
end zone he spikes the ball and starts talking trash to another
defender.

--Healy shows up at Mary's door sporting a set of OVERSIZED
INCREDIBLY-WHITE CAPPED TEETH. He gives her a big horse smile and
she reacts uncertainly.

--Healy is in Mary's apartment as Mary finishes dressing for a
night on the town.

MARY
All set.

HEALY
You look great.
(beat)
Hey, Mare, do I have a rip in the back of
these pants?

When she puts her head close to inspect his pants, he lets fly a
THUNDEROUS FART. She pulls her head away, repulsed, but Healy just
LAUGHS.

--Mary and and the horse-toothed Healy are having dinner in a
romantic restaurant. As he eats he tells an animated story but
he's having trouble with the new choppers and chunks of food are
spraying out of his mouth with every word. Mary has to BOB AND
WEAVE to avoid being covered with debris.

--Healy and Warren are playing monopoly. When Warren isn't
looking, Healy cheats and puts a couple hotels on Boardwalk. In
the b.g. we see one of Warren's buddies fall out of a palm tree.

DISSOLVE TO:

Genres: Comedy, Romance
Tone: Humorous, Romantic, Awkward

Summary Healy confesses to Sully that he is selfish and gets a high from helping others. He accidentally kills a bug, leading Sully to accuse him of lying about his humanitarian work. Healy denies the accusations but admits to lying to a girl. Healy hangs up the phone and starts to knock on Mary's door, but she opens it before he can and they kiss passionately. The scene then cuts to a montage of Mary and Healy courting, showing Healy trying to impress Mary with his athleticism, his teeth, his humor, and his intelligence. The montage ends with Healy and Warren cheating at Monopoly.

Strengths

Humorous dialogue
Quirky characters
Engaging interactions

Weaknesses

Some scenes may border on cringeworthy for some audiences

General Critique

The scene starts with Healy admitting to being a selfish prick, which seems out of character based on his previous actions of helping others. This sudden shift in his personality needs to be better justified or explained.
The dialogue between Sully and Healy feels forced and unnatural, especially with Sully struggling to remember his lines. This detracts from the flow of the scene and makes it less engaging.
The revelation of Healy lying to a girl and feeling guilty about it is not fully explored or resolved. It feels like a plot point that is introduced but not given enough depth or closure.
The transition from Healy's emotional moment to the comedic scene with the Great Dane and the Boa Constrictor feels disjointed and disrupts the emotional tone of the scene.
The montage of Mary and Healy courting includes some unrealistic and exaggerated moments, such as Healy delivering a forearm shiver to a defender during touch football. These moments feel out of place and detract from the authenticity of the characters.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Provide more context or backstory to explain Healy's sudden admission of being a selfish prick. This will help make his character development more believable and consistent.
Refine the dialogue between Sully and Healy to make it more natural and engaging. Consider simplifying Sully's lines or finding a more organic way to convey the information.
Further explore Healy's guilt over lying to a girl and how it impacts his relationship with Mary. This subplot could add depth to Healy's character and create more emotional resonance in the scene.
Consider revising the transition between Healy's emotional moment and the comedic subplot with the animals to maintain a consistent tone throughout the scene.
Tone down the exaggerated moments in the montage of Mary and Healy courting to ensure the authenticity of their relationship and interactions.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY

A lovesick Healy is mauling Mary out on the sidewalk in front
while Warren stands off to the side LISTENING TO A WALKMAN.

REVERSE ANGLE reveals a devastated Ted and Dom watching this
from Ted's car.

TED
Fuck me.
(sighs)
Let's go home.

DOM
No! You've gone through way too much to
back down now. Get over there and do
something--I can't stand watching this.

BACK ON MARY AND HEALY as Healy starts OVER-DOING IT and Mary
has to break it off.

MARY
Whoa, whoa, how's my stomach taste?

Healy LAUGHS.

HEALY
How's my stomach taste, she says.
(shakes head)
Hey thanks for picking up the lunch tab,
Mare. Sorry I forgot my wallet. I feel like
a dog.

MARY
Forget it. It was...fun.

ON TED AND DOM

Ted recognizes Warren.

TED
Holy shit, there's Warren.

BACK ON MARY. HEALY, AND WARREN

Suddenly we see Warren PERK UP at something.

WARREN
Franks and beans!

ON TED AND DOM

TED
Jesus, I think her brother spotted me.

They both duck down in their seats.

BACK ON MARY. HEALY. AND WARREN

WARREN
Beans and franks.

MARY
Give it a rest, War. You just ate.

HEALY
Aw, leave him alone, he's just got a big
appetite.
(to Warren)
Am I right?

Healy winks at Mary.

WARREN
Huh?

Healy reaches over and lifts a headphone off Warren's ear.

HEALY
I said you've got a big app--

Suddenly Warren SUCKER-PUNCHES HEALY IN THE THROAT.

HEALY (cont'd)
Urrggghh...

MARY
Warren!

ON TED AND DOM - as they flinch.

DOM
Attaboy!

BACK ON MARY et al - Healy holds his throat, clearly in pain.

MARY
Are you okay?

HEALY (cont'd)
(raspy, to Mary)
Not to worry. So...see you tonight,
right? Right?

MARY
(cornered)
Sure.

Mary watches with a look of concern as Healy gets in his car and
drives off.

ON TED AND DOM

Ted stares gazily.

DOM
Well? What are you waiting for?
TED
I don't know what to say.

DOM
Tell her the truth about Healy! Blow the
schmuck out of the water.

TED
Are you crazy? I've unleashed a psycho on
her. She's gonna be fucking pissed.
(stares at Mary)
She's even more beautiful than I remember.

THEIR POV - Mary and Warren start to go in the apartment.

DOM
Get over there, you pussy! She's leaving!

Suddenly Dom HONKS THE HORN, then ducks down. Mary turns around
and sees Ted.

TED
You asshole, what are you--
(CALLING OUT CHEERILY)
Mary! Is that you?

MARY
(squinting)
Who's that?

Ted gets out of the car and hustles across the street toward Mary.

TED
It is you! It's me...Ted. From Rhode
Island Ted.

Finally she recognizes him.

MARY
Oh my God...Ted.
(big smile)
What are you...? I can't believe this. I
haven't seen you since--

TED
Yup, that's right. Junior prom...kinda.

MARY
And did everything--?

TED
Oh yeah, healed right up. No visible scars.

Mary LAUGHS.

TED (cont'd)
How are you doing, Warren?

WARREN
Good, Ted. Piggy back ride?

TED
I'm gonna take a rain check.

Mary is stunned.

MARY
I can't believe he remembered you. He never
remembers anybody.
(beat)
You know I tried to call you for weeks
after that.

TED
Really? I never got a message.

MARY
That's weird. I talked to your brother
Jimmy five or six times.

Ted is devastated to hear this.

MARY (cont'd)
By the way, how's he doing?

TED
He's dead.

MARY
(taken aback)
Oh, Ted I'm so sorry to hear that.

TED
(bitter)
No, it was a good thing.
(off her look)
I mean, good in that it was very quick.

Ted pantomimes an explosion.

MARY
Oh. So...what brings you down here?

TED
Funny story. You see, me and a buddy of
mine decided to...ah...you know...just
...drive down.

She stares at him.

MARY
Well you look great. Are you married, do
you have kids?
TED
Nope, nope--dodged a few bullets.
(smiles)
God, I cannot believe I'm standing here
with Mary Jenson.

MARY
Actually, it's Mary Brooks now.

TED
(taken aback)
Oh...are you...?

MARY
Nope, haven't walked the plank yet.
(off his look)
There was this guy back in college who was
bothering me...got kind of ugly--a
restraining order, the whole bit. Anyway,
when I got out of Princeton I changed my
name as a precaution.

TED
Jeez...that sounds awful. Hey, what do you
say we go out to dinner tonight, catch up
on old times?

BEAT.

MARY
Didn't we just do that?

Ted doesn't know how to respond to this and then she smiles.

MARY (cont'd)
I'm kidding. I'd really love to, Ted, but
the thing is I already have plans. How
about tomorrow night?

TED
Mary, we haven't seen each other in twelve
years.
(beat)
Don't make me wait another day.

Mary seems touched by this.

MARY
Tell me where you're staying. I'll pick you
up at eight.

Ted finally smiles and we

CUT TO:

Genres: Romantic Comedy, Drama
Tone: Romantic, Humorous, Nostalgic

Summary Healy mauls Mary on the sidewalk while Warren listens to music, leading to Warren sucker-punching Healy in the throat. Ted, devastated by the scene, approaches Mary and they make plans to catch up after twelve years. The mix of awkwardness, tension, and nostalgia sets the emotional tone of the scene.

Strengths

Authentic character interactions
Emotional resonance
Engaging dialogue

Weaknesses

Lack of external conflict
Some cliched romantic comedy elements

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear focus and purpose, jumping between different interactions without a cohesive thread.
The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, especially the exchanges between Ted and Mary.
The pacing is inconsistent, with abrupt shifts in tone and emotion that make it hard to follow the characters' motivations.
The introduction of Warren and his random actions detract from the main interaction between Ted and Mary.
The scene lacks depth and emotional resonance, failing to fully explore the history and feelings between Ted and Mary.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Focus on the core interaction between Ted and Mary, building tension and emotional depth in their reunion.
Streamline the dialogue to make it more authentic and engaging, reflecting the characters' true emotions and intentions.
Consider removing the distractions of Warren and Healy's actions to keep the focus on Ted and Mary's connection.
Work on the pacing to create a more coherent and engaging scene that draws the audience in.
Add layers to the characters' interactions, exploring their past history and current feelings to create a more compelling narrative.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. HEALY'S CAR - TWILIGHT
A content Healy is parked out front of Mary's apartment, absently
listening to her spill her guts to Magda while he reads the
newspaper.

MAGDA (V.O.)
I'm buying bananas tonight.

MARY (V.O.)
Why?

MAGDA (V.O.)
Back when I was your age I always used to
make myself a big banana split after sex. I
think you're gonna need one tonight.

MARY (V.O.)
Don't get ahead of yourself. You'll
probably need it before I will.

Genres: Comedy, Romance
Tone: Humorous, Romantic, Light-hearted

Summary Healy is parked outside Mary's apartment, listening to Mary and Magda's conversation about bananas and sex while reading the newspaper. The scene is light and humorous, with no conflicts. Magda mentions buying bananas for a banana split after sex, adding a playful and suggestive tone to the dialogue. The visual of Healy reading the newspaper adds depth to the scene, which ends with the conversation between Mary and Magda continuing.

Strengths

Witty dialogue
Chemistry between characters
Humorous moments

Weaknesses

Lack of significant conflict
Limited character development

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction, as it mainly consists of Healy passively listening to Mary and Magda's conversation without any significant development or conflict.
The dialogue between Mary and Magda feels disconnected from the overall narrative and does not contribute to the progression of the story or the characters.
There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into Healy's character or explore his motivations, as he is portrayed as content and detached while eavesdropping on Mary and Magda.
The scene could benefit from more dynamic interactions or conflicts to engage the audience and drive the story forward.
The visual and auditory elements of the scene do not add much to the overall storytelling and could be utilized more effectively to create a stronger impact.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider adding a subplot or conflict within the scene to create tension and intrigue, such as Healy overhearing a crucial piece of information that challenges his relationship with Mary.
Explore Healy's internal thoughts and emotions through his actions or reactions to Mary and Magda's conversation, providing insight into his character and motivations.
Integrate the dialogue between Mary and Magda more seamlessly into the narrative, ensuring that it contributes to the overall story arc or character development.
Enhance the visual and auditory elements of the scene to create a more immersive and engaging experience for the audience, utilizing them to convey mood, tone, or character dynamics.
Consider revising the scene to have a clearer purpose or impact on the story, ensuring that it aligns with the overall themes and progression of the screenplay.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - SAME

Mary is skipping around the apartment while Magda sits on the
couch.

MAGDA
Don't bet on it. Last time I had a pap
smear the guy needed leather gloves and an
oyster shucker.

MARY
So maybe I could find a nice gentleman to
take you to the movies.

MAGDA
Knock it off, Pollyanna, just 'cause you're
in love doesn't mean everyone else has to
be.

MARY
Love? Come on, I wouldn't call it love.

MAGDA
Oh no? I ain't seen you beaming like this
since you broke ninety on the Blue Monster.

BACK ON HEALY - he's reveling in it all.

MARY (V.O. )
Well I am pretty psyched. I ran into a
guy today I hadn't seen since high school.

Healy loses the smile and sits up.

MAGDA (V.O.)
An old flame?
MARY (V.O.)
Kind of. Ted Peloquin--one of the sweetest
guys in the world.

Healy TURNS UP THE VOLUME.

ON MARY

MARY (cont'd)
He was so shy and clumsy...I had a major
crush on him.

BACK ON HEALY as he nearly puts his head through the roof. He
grabs hold of the steering wheel and pounds his head on it.

HEALY
No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MARY (V.O.) (cont'd)
We're gonna go out tonight. Oh, that
reminds me, I've got to call
what's-his-face and cancel.

ON MARY

MAGDA
Do I sense a chill in the air?

Mary sits down.

MARY
Oh, Magda, I let my head get in the way of
my love life. I always pick guys on what I
feel in here.
(pats heart)
But with this Pat guy my head kept saying
"Grow up, Mary. You have a lot in common
with this one, you'll grow to feel
something for him." But it never happened.

ON HEALY - he couldn't look more crushed. Suddenly his cellular
phone RINGS. He stares at it for TWO, THREE, FOUR RINGS.
Panic-stricken. Then he answers it.

HEALY
(jovial voice)
Hey, Patty-boy here. Sorry I missed ya, but
I'm out rustling up some champagne and
roses in preparation for the greatest
birthday of my life. Hope you and yours are
having a good day, too.

Healy makes a BEEP sound and then holds his breath.

ON MARY - she stares at the phone, feeling cornered.

MARY
Uh, hi Pat, it's me, Mary. Just wanted to
say I'm...looking forward to tonight.

She hangs up.

MAGDA
You vicious bitch, how do you sleep at
night?

MARY
I can't do it--I just found out it's his
birthday.
(sighs)
I guess I've gotta cancel on Ted.

ON HEALY - he blows imaginary smoke off an imaginary gun. Then
he sits back and smugly listens to her DIAL THE PHONE. But then he
hears something that concerns him--a KNOCK on the door and the dog
YAPPING.

ON MARY - she puts down the phone and answers the door. It's
Tucker, the architect.

MARY
(surprised)
Tucker...come on in.

BACK ON HEALY pulling his hair out. He's on an emotional roller
coaster heading downhill.

MAGDA (V.O.)
Well look who's here.

BACK TO MARY'S APARTMENT - Tucker is carrying an unopened BOTTLE
OF SCOTCH and absently flicking the YAPPING pooch off his ankles.

TUCKER
There she is--I brought you a little
thirst-quencher, Mag.

MAGDA
Oh, you are sweet.

TUCKER
No, I'm not. I just want to get you-drunk
so you'll pass out and I can have my way
with Mary.

Everyone LAUGHS.

MARY
Can I pour you one?

TUCKER
Thanks, but I've got to be going.
Unfortunately, Doc, this isn't a social
visit.
Tucker's tone shifts and Mary grows concerned.

MARY
What's up?

TUCKER
Well...I've got a little more news about
your friend Healy.

Mary seems relieved.

MARY
I know what you're going to say, but he
already told me everything. I know he's not
an architect.

Tucker pulls out a piece of paper.

TUCKER (cont'd)
I think you'd better sit down.

MARY
Tucker, I appreciate you doing all this,
but I'm really strapped for time here and--

TUCKER
Mary, the man's a killer.

ON HEALY - he can't believe his ears.

BACK ON MARY - as she lowers herself onto the couch.

MARY
(stunned)
What...?

TUCKER
I've got a friend in the Boston police
department. He faxed me this this morning.
I'll just give you the highlights.
(reading from rap sheet)
After a short stint as a petty thief,
Patrick R. Healy graduated to armed robbery
by the age of fourteen. At sixteen he
committed his first murder--a pretty
teacher's aid named Molly Pettygrove. He
was incarcerated until age twenty-two when,
despite a grim psychological profile, the
state was forced to release him. In his
mid-twenties and again in his early
thirties he was suspected of homicides in
the states of Utah and Washington.
Unfortunately, the bodies were so badly
decomposed that there wasn't enough
evidence to hold him, and on and on and so
forth and so on.
Mary looks like she's going to throw up.

ON HEALY - he listens intently, his face ashen.

MARY (V.O.)
Holy shit...

MAGDA (V.O.)
Puffy, get over here.

We hear the PITTER-PATTER of the dog's nails on the floor, then a
LOUD THUMP followed by a YELP.

ON MARY

MARY
Magda!

MAGDA
The little shit lied to me about that guy!

Mary picks up the startled dog and pets him.

MARY
(growing emotional)
I can't believe this is happening. I'm
supposed to be meeting him in an hour.

TUCKER
Okay, just calm down. It's going to be
okay.

Tucker puts his arms around her.

MAGDA
Why you two never hooked up is beyond me.

Mary looks fondly at Tucker.

MARY
Magda's right, I'm so lucky to have you in
my life.

TUCKER
Don't get all gooey on me now, you'll give
me a big head.
(smiles)
The important thing, Doctor, is you've got
to distance yourself as much as possible
without pissing this psycho off.

MARY
Yeah, yeah. Okay, I think I know what to
do. I'll call him right now.

BACK ON HEALY - he looks stunned. His cellular PHONE RINGS. He
stares at it, then picks it up.

HEALY
Hi, I'm out drinking champagne and
roses...and I'm really happy. Leave a
message. BEEP.

MARY (V.O.)
(nervous)
Uh, hey buddy. Oh boy, am I pissed. You're
not going to believe this--well, you'll
believe it, there's no reason not to--but I
just got beeped for emergency surgery.
Well, um, sorry, but I'm going to have to
bail on you.

As we hear a CLICK, Healy stares at the cell phone, seething.

DISSOLVE TO:

Genres: Romantic Comedy, Drama, Thriller
Tone: Romantic, Suspenseful, Emotional, Humorous

Summary Mary and Magda are discussing Mary's relationship with Healy in her apartment when Tucker arrives with startling news. He reveals Healy's true nature as a killer with a criminal history. Mary is shocked and cancels their upcoming date, leaving Healy furious. Tucker advises Mary to distance herself from Healy while navigating the situation cautiously.

Strengths

Effective blend of genres and tones
Compelling plot twist
Emotional depth in characters

Weaknesses

Some dialogue may feel slightly melodramatic

General Critique

The scene starts off with a light and humorous tone, but quickly takes a dark turn with the revelation about Healy being a killer. The transition from comedy to serious subject matter feels abrupt and could be smoother.
The dialogue between Mary, Magda, and Tucker is engaging and reveals important information about Healy's past. However, the exposition could be more subtly integrated into the conversation to avoid feeling like an info dump.
The emotional reactions of the characters, especially Mary, could be more nuanced and explored in greater depth. Mary's shock and disbelief at learning about Healy's criminal history could be portrayed with more complexity.
The scene lacks visual elements that could enhance the storytelling. Adding visual cues to reflect the characters' emotions and reactions could make the scene more impactful.
The pacing of the scene could be improved by balancing the dialogue with more action or movement. This would help maintain the audience's interest and prevent the scene from feeling stagnant.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider restructuring the scene to create a smoother transition from light-hearted banter to the serious revelation about Healy. This could involve building up tension gradually before the bombshell is dropped.
Find ways to integrate the exposition about Healy's past more organically into the dialogue between the characters. This could be done through subtle hints and clues that lead to the eventual reveal.
Explore the emotional depth of the characters, especially Mary, in response to the shocking news. Show her internal struggle and conflicting emotions more vividly to engage the audience on a deeper level.
Enhance the visual storytelling by incorporating gestures, facial expressions, and body language to convey the characters' reactions. This will add layers to the scene and make it more visually engaging.
Work on the pacing of the scene by balancing dialogue with action or movement. Consider adding moments of tension or suspense to keep the audience invested in the unfolding drama.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - LATER

Tucker comes out the front door, looks around, then walks off down
the sidewalk.

ANGLE ACROSS THE STREET - on Healy, his steely gaze fixed on
Tucker.

HEALY
(under breath)
You're gonna pay, fucker.

Healy discreetly pulls out and slowly follows Tucker in his car.

BACK ON TUCKER - He continues down the sidewalk, looking back
once or twice, apprehensive. He rounds a corner, then stops next
to an OLD FORD PINTO. He looks around nervously again. Then Tucker
DUCKS INTO THE DRIVER'S SEAT and DRIVES OFF. Healy pulls into
traffic and follows.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Dom's mixing a drink while Ted paces nervously.

TED
Oh God, I'm fucking nervous. I don't know
if I'm ready for this, man.

DOM
Just relax. Have you hit the cash machine?

TED
(pats his back pocket)
Got cash.
DOM
Car clean? Plenty of gas?

TED
Check.

DOM
Mints?

TED
Copped a tin of Altoids at the car wash.

Dom nods, satisfied.

DOM
Okay, sounds like you're all set. Just
clean the pipes and it's a go.

TED
Hm?

DOM
You know, clean the pipes.

TED
Pipes? What are you talking about?

DOM
You jerk off before all big dates, right?
Tell me you jerk off before your big dates.

Ted just stares at him.

DOM (cont'd)
(incredulous)
You don't jerk off before--?! Are you
crazy?! That's like going out there with a
loaded gun. No wonder you're nervous!

Ted considers this.

DOM (cont'd)
Think about it: After you've had sex with a
girl and the two of you are laying in bed,
are you nervous?

TED
No.

Dom shrugs...Duh.

DOM
Why's that?

TED
I'm usually too tired to be.
Dom makes a game-show BUZZER sound.

DOM
Wrong. It's because you ain't got the baby
batter in your brain any more. That'll fuck
with your head, that stuff will.

TED
(starting to believe)
Huh.

DOM
The most honest moment in a man's life is
the five minutes after he's blown a load.
That's a medical fact. And it's because
you're no longer trying to get laid. You're
actually thinking like a girl. They love
that.

TED
Jesus Christ you're right.

DOM
You bet your ass I'm right. You don't go
out with a loaded gun, you empty the
barrels!

TED
(shakes his head)
Holy shit, I've been going out with a
loaded gun!

DOM
People get hurt that way.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - EVENING

Dom walks out of the lobby just as another cab arrives and Mary
gets out. He sees and her and ducks behind a bush as she walks
past him.

INT. TED'S HOTEL BATHROOM - SAME

Ted has a newspaper splayed out on the counter (open to the bra
ads) as he furiously FLOGS THE DOLPHIN (chest-high side view.) We
see some balled-up tissue nearby. After several frantic strokes,
he takes a deep breath and slowly and loudly EXHALES, clearly
having COMPLETED HIS MISSION.

He draws a few more breaths, picks up a face cloth, and goes to
clean up.

But something's missing: The Load. Ted looks down, checks his
hands, pants, shoes, looks in the sink, finally glances at the
ceiling, with no luck.
The Load IS MISSING!!!!

That's when the doorbell RINGS. Ted couldn't look more HORRIFIED.
As he buckles his pants, he makes a last, panicky reconnaissance
of the area. The doorbell RINGS AGAIN and Ted reluctantly goes to
answer it.

Genres: Drama, Comedy, Crime
Tone: Suspenseful, Humorous, Nervous, Shocking

Summary Tucker is followed by Healy in his car after leaving Mary's apartment building. Meanwhile, Dom gives Ted advice on calming his nerves before a date, leading Ted to frantically masturbate in his hotel bathroom. However, his panic escalates when he realizes he has lost 'the load' and the doorbell rings, interrupting him.

Strengths

Humorous dialogue
Engaging plot progression
Well-developed characters

Weaknesses

Lack of high stakes
Limited emotional depth

General Critique

The transition from Healy's intense gaze at Tucker to Ted's nervous pacing in the hotel room feels a bit abrupt and disjointed.
The dialogue between Dom and Ted about 'cleaning the pipes' comes off as crude and may not resonate well with all audiences.
The scene lacks subtlety and relies heavily on explicit humor around masturbation, which may not be necessary for character development or plot progression.
The visual of Ted frantically 'flogging the dolphin' in the bathroom is overly graphic and may be off-putting to some viewers.
The humor in the scene feels forced and doesn't quite land effectively, detracting from the overall tone and flow of the screenplay.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider a smoother transition between Healy's intense moment and Ted's nervousness to create a more cohesive scene.
Tone down the explicit humor around masturbation and focus on more nuanced character interactions to drive the scene forward.
Find a more subtle and tasteful way to address Ted's nerves before the date without resorting to graphic visuals or crude dialogue.
Work on developing the humor in a way that feels more organic and integrated into the overall narrative, enhancing the scene's impact.
Consider revising the scene to focus on character development and emotional depth rather than relying on shock value or explicit content.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. TED'S HOTEL ROOM - SAME

Ted opens the door and Mary is standing there looking as lovely as
ever.

TED
Hey.

MARY
Hi, Ted.

TED
You look great.

MARY
Thanks.

She notices something.

MARY (cont'd)
What's that?

TED
Hm?

MARY
On your ear, you've got something.

MARY'S POV - a HUGE LOAD is hanging off of Ted's earlobe like a
drop earring.

MARY (cont'd)
It looks like a gob of...

Mary leans forward for a closer look. Ted is terrified.

MARY (cont'd)
(making face)
Is that....hair gel?

BEAT.

TED
Sure.

MARY
Oh great, I ran out.

Before Ted can stop her, Mary grabs The Load off his ear and WIPES
IT IN HER BANGS.

CUT TO:

EXT. UPSCALE NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT

Healy is still following Tucker in his car. Finally Tucker stops
in front of a lavish Victorian home and gets out carrying a pizza
and wearing a PIZZA DELIVERY HAT.

Healy SCREECHES to a sideways stop, jumps out and POUNCES ON HIM.

HEALY (cont'd)
You motherfucker, you're a dead man!

Tucker drops the pizza as Healy SLAMS HIM into a tree.

TUCKER
(cowering)
Okay, Pat, take it easy--don't do anything
stupid.

HEALY
Who the fuck do you think you are making up
that bullshit about me?!

Healy SLAMS HIM AGAINST THE TREE AGAIN.

TUCKER
Whoa, whoa--I don't know what you're talking
about.

HEALY
Maybe this'll jog your memory.

Healy SLAPS him across the face.

HEALY (cont'd)
I'll give you a hint--it's got something to
do with me being a murderer.

Healy raises his arm again and Tucker tries to shield himself.

TUCKER
Okay, okay, I might've gotten some bad
information.

Healy grabs him by the collar.

HEALY
That stalker Ted got to you, right? You're
working for him, aren't you, you little
shit?

TUCKER
Who?
Healy throws Tucker to the ground and takes off his sport coat.

HEALY
This is your last chance, you fuck. Now
either you come clean or I'm going to kick
your ass from here to Tallahassee.

Healy grabs Tucker by the hair and cocks his arm.

TUCKER
I LOVE HER, OKAY?!

Tucker suddenly gets emotional. Healy stops and looks at him.

HEALY
You what?

TUCKER
You heard me, goddamnit. I...I love her.

Healy slowly lets go.

TUCKER (cont'd)
I'm a phony--just like you, man.

HEALY
What do you mean?

TUCKER
I mean I'm a fucking fraud. I'm no
architect. Don't be a putz--who's been to
Santiago twice in a year?
(scoffing)
Estadio Olimpico--please!

HEALY
But...but you knew people at Harvard.

TUCKER
I knew shit. The only thing I knew was that
you were a fake and I made up everything
else.
(sighs)
My real name's Norm. I deliver pizzas.

HEALY
Bullshit!

Tucker rolls his eyes and pulls out his PIZZA DELIVERY BADGE, with
him pictured beside the name Norman Plante. As Healy let's this
sink in, we

CUT TO:

Genres: Comedy, Thriller
Tone: Suspenseful, Emotional, Humorous

Summary Mary surprises Ted at his hotel room, mistaking his hair gel for a stylish adornment. Meanwhile, Healy confronts Tucker over false accusations of murder, exposing Tucker's deceptive identity as a pizza delivery driver.

Strengths

Effective blend of humor and suspense
Compelling character development
Surprising plot twist

Weaknesses

Some dialogue may feel forced or melodramatic

General Critique

The scene starts with a light and humorous interaction between Ted and Mary, but the transition to Healy following Tucker in a car and the subsequent confrontation feels abrupt and disjointed.
The revelation of Healy's criminal history and the confrontation with Tucker could be more effectively built up to create a stronger impact on the audience.
The dialogue between Healy and Tucker during the confrontation feels a bit forced and could benefit from more natural and nuanced exchanges.
The emotional shift in Tucker's character from fear to love for Mary is sudden and could be better developed to make it more believable.
The scene lacks a clear resolution or closure, leaving the audience hanging without a sense of completion or direction.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider restructuring the scene to create a smoother transition between Ted and Mary's interaction and Healy's confrontation with Tucker.
Build up the tension and suspense leading to the revelation of Healy's true nature to enhance the impact on the audience.
Refine the dialogue between Healy and Tucker to make it more authentic and engaging for the viewers.
Develop Tucker's emotional arc more gradually to make his confession of love for Mary more convincing.
Provide a clearer resolution or cliffhanger at the end of the scene to maintain the audience's interest and anticipation for the next development.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. BAR - NIGHT

Ted's rolling a little wine around in a glass. He takes a sip,
nods his approval.

TED
Thanks, that's great.

The WAITER turns to Mary.

WAITER
Madame?

ANGLE ON MARY - The light, puffy bangs that Mary started the
night with are gone, replaced by a glazed, ACE VENTURA-STYLE WAVE
up front.

MARY
Thank you.

The waiter pours her a glass and leaves.

TED
Now by killer, you mean...?

MARY
I mean he murdered someone and did time
back in Boston. The guy's a freak.

TED
(stunned)
Jeez, Mary...I'm...

MARY
Well, lucky for me I found out. Thank God I
have friends like Tucker.
(beat)
Look, I'm sick of talking about stalkers.
(big smile)
Let's talk about you.

CUT TO:

INT. ANOTHER BAR - NIGHT

Healy and Tucker are bonding over a beer.

TUCKER
...So then in '94 I went back to Dade
Community College for a semester and when
the Wal-Mart cashier job fell through I
hooked up with the Pizza Barn.

HEALY
And you met Mary how?

TUCKER
Just dumb luck. I delivered a pie to her
one night and she answered the door in her
nightgown--that was it for me. I went home
that night, shaved my beard, and a week
later I was laid out in her office with a
broken back.

HEALY
How'd you manage that one?

TUCKER
(matter-of-factly)
Friend. Baseball bat.

HEALY
Nice.

TUCKER
Oh yeah, the plan was going along just fine
until you showed up.

HEALY
Hey, hey, hey, I'm not the one who started
telling bald-faced lies about the
competition--that's crossing the line!

TUCKER
What line? The day you first laid your oily
rap on my future wife you started a war!

HEALY
Future wife? Get real, man--you're
nothing more than a glorified brother in
her eyes.

TUCKER
Why you son of a--

Tucker grabs Healy by the jacket.

HEALY
Okay, calm down, calm down--the bottom line
is neither of us are going to get her if we
don't do something about that headcase
she's with now.

As Tucker slowly releases him, we

CUT TO:

Genres: Drama, Thriller
Tone: Tense, Revealing, Confrontational

Summary Mary reveals to Ted that her stalker is a convicted murderer. Healy and Tucker discuss how to deal with Mary's stalker at another bar.

Strengths

Intense confrontation
Revealing dialogue
Emotional depth

Weaknesses

Some dialogue may feel slightly melodramatic

General Critique

The transition between Ted and Mary's conversation in one bar to Healy and Tucker's conversation in another bar is a bit abrupt and could be smoother.
The dialogue between Healy and Tucker feels a bit forced and lacks subtlety in revealing their motivations and conflicts.
The confrontation between Healy and Tucker escalates quickly and could benefit from more buildup and tension.
The scene lacks depth in exploring the emotions and inner thoughts of the characters, especially Mary and Tucker.
The scene could benefit from more visual cues and actions to enhance the storytelling and character dynamics.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider adding a transition scene or element to connect Ted and Mary's conversation to Healy and Tucker's conversation more seamlessly.
Work on developing the dialogue between Healy and Tucker to be more nuanced and reflective of their complex relationship.
Build up the tension and conflict between Healy and Tucker gradually to create a more impactful and suspenseful scene.
Focus on delving deeper into the emotions and motivations of Mary and Tucker to add layers to their characters and interactions.
Introduce more visual elements and actions to enhance the storytelling and provide insight into the characters' thoughts and feelings.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

EXT. DRIVING RANGE - NIGHT

Ted and Mary are eating CORNDOGS at the snack bar.

MARY
You hit the ball pretty good for a
fourteen.

TED
(shrugging)
No short game.

She smiles.

MARY
We should play some time...I mean, if you
can afford to lose some money.

TED
(smiling)
What are you?

MARY
Twenty-two.

TED
Bullshit, a twenty-two doesn't carry a
one-iron--don't sandbag me, lady.

Mary smiles coyly.

MARY
Okay, sometimes I'm a nineteen.

TED
That's more like it.
(to Counter-Man)
Two more nitrate-sicles please.

COUNTER-MAN
You got it.

Mary is amused by this.

MARY
Nitrate-sicles--I like that.

TED
I say they should put more meats on a
stick, you know? They got a lot of sweets
on sticks--popsicles, fudgesicles,
lollipops--but hardly any meat.

MARY
I agree there should be more.

The Counter-Man hands each of them another corndog.

TED
You know what I'd like to see? Meat in a
cone. You could put corned beef hash in a
cone, or chopped liver.

MARY
I like it. And think of the
toppings--cheese, mushrooms, mint jelly
TED
Not to mention ketchup and hot peppers.

They smile at one another.

MARY
It's too bad you don't live down here, Ted.

TED
(pleased)
Yeah?

MARY
We've got a lot in common.

Ted takes a chance.

TED
Well...why don't you move back?

MARY
Ah, my roots here are too deep. I love my
practice, the people I work with, Warren's
got a nice thing going
(joking)
Why don't you just move down here and marry
me?

Mary smiles and Ted LAUGHS...perhaps a little too hard.

CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Ted and Mary are sitting on her front stoop SMOKING A BONE.

MARY
So you're a writer?

TED
Trying to be.

MARY
Well good for you. I bet it works out for
you.

TED
We'll see. If it doesn't, what the hell, at
least I gave it a shot.

MARY
That's right. And the good thing is you can
do it anywhere.

TED
What about you, Mare? How the hell'd you
manage to stay single?
MARY
I don't know...My friends think I'm too
picky. I think I'm just a weirdo magnet. I
did come close once--just last year, in
fact. There was this guy he lived in San
Francisco.

ANGLE ON the corner of building. We see Healy and Tucker SPYING
ON THEM from the shadows.

TUCKER
(WHISPERING)
That stalkin' son-of-a-bitch!

HEALY
Fucking sickening.

Healy and Tucker duck back into the alley.

CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S ALLEY - NIGHT

Healy is throwing DOGGIE TREATS through an open THIRD-FLOOR
WINDOW.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - SAME

We hear the TELEVISION and see Magda DOZING on the couch with a
watery COCKTAIL IN HER HAND and the dog Puffy at her feet.

Suddenly a DOGGIE TREAT flies through the window, landing on the
rug. Puffy SNAPS TO ATTENTION and approaches the treat. He sniffs
it, then GOBBLES IT UP. ANOTHER doggie treat lands beside him and
he eats that, too. Then ANOTHER.

EXT. MARY'S ALLEY - SAME

Tucker keeps throwing the treats up and Healy looks concerned.

HEALY
How many is that?

TUCKER
Four.

HEALY
That seems like a lot of speed for a little
pooch--you sure it won't kill him?

TUCKER
I never said that.

As Tucker throws another...

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - SAME
The doggie treat LANDS IN MAGDA'S COCKTAIL, waking her up. Magda
looks around, gets her bearings, and then DOWNS THE DRINK!

CUT TO:

Genres: Romantic Comedy, Drama, Thriller
Tone: Humorous, Suspenseful, Romantic

Summary Ted and Mary bond over corndogs and shared aspirations, unaware of Healy and Tucker's sinister surveillance. At Mary's apartment, a blunt and intimate conversation is interrupted when Healy's dog treats inadvertently lead to Magda's cocktail consumption, leaving an ominous cliffhanger.

Strengths

Engaging dialogue
Well-developed characters
Mix of humor and suspense

Weaknesses

Lack of significant character development
Some elements may feel contrived

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear direction or purpose, as it jumps from Ted and Mary bonding over corndogs to Healy and Tucker spying on them without a smooth transition.
The dialogue between Ted and Mary feels forced and unnatural, with Ted making random comments about putting more meats on sticks and meat in a cone.
The interaction between Healy and Tucker spying on Ted and Mary seems out of place and doesn't add much to the overall story.
The scene lacks depth and meaningful character development, as it focuses more on quirky dialogue and random actions rather than advancing the plot or revealing important information.
The transition between different locations and characters is abrupt and disjointed, making it difficult for the audience to follow the scene smoothly.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Focus on developing the relationship between Ted and Mary in a more meaningful and authentic way, with dialogue that reflects their personalities and motivations.
Consider integrating Healy and Tucker's actions into the main storyline in a more cohesive manner, rather than having them spy on Ted and Mary without a clear purpose.
Add more depth to the scene by exploring the emotions and intentions of the characters, especially Ted and Mary, to create a more engaging and impactful interaction.
Work on creating a smoother transition between different locations and characters to improve the flow and coherence of the scene.
Consider revising the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities, avoiding random or forced comments that detract from the scene.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - SAME

Mary and Ted, still sitting on the stoop. Mary seems a little
reflective.

MARY
... and then it was all over.
(SIGHS)
We haven't spoken since.

TED
(sincere)
Wow. That's too bad. He sounds almost
perfect.

MARY
Yeah...almost.
(beat)
You want to come up and watch Sportscenter?

TED
Uh no. I think I'm gonna get out while
I'm ahead.

Mary looks a little disappointed.

MARY
Ted...you're not that far ahead.

TED
Look, Mary, the truth is...I'll be in town
for a while now but I don't think we should
see each other for a few weeks.

MARY
(alarmed)
Why not?

TED
Well...to be honest....I'm really crazy
about you and it's making me nervous and
when I get nervous I'm not myself and I'm
afraid I'm going to doing something really
dumb before we get started so I think I
should just lay back until I regain my
composure.

Mary sort of smiles.

MARY
That's really sweet, Ted, but you should
save it for one of your books.

TED
All right, let's go.

Ted jumps up and starts up the stairs two at a time.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

As Ted and Mary ENTER, we see Magda HOLDING UP THE COUCH with one
hand and VACUUMING WITH THE OTHER.

Mary doesn't know what to make of it.

MARY
Magda, what are you doing?

Magda turns off the vacuum and we hear a BANGING SOUND coupled
with the O.S. MUFFLED YAPPING of Puffy.

MAGDA
Oh, hi hon. Just straightening up.

MARY
Where's Puffy?

MAGDA
Ah, he was being a pest so I put him in the
bathroom.

As the O.S. YAPPING AND BANGING continues, Magda PICKS UP THE
TELEVISION and starts DUSTING the TV stand.

MARY
(to Ted, concerned)
Um, Ted, I need a moment with Magda--would
you let the dog out of the bathroom.

TED
Yeah, sure.

Ted walks down the hall, following the YAPPING AND BANGING SOUND
until he comes to the bathroom door. The YAPPING is MUCH LOUDER
now and he NOTICES SOMETHING THAT MAKES HIM HESITATE.

TED'S POV - the bottom part of the door is being DENTED OUTWARD
from the force of something BATTERING IT FROM WITHIN.

TED
(CALLING out)
Uh, Mare, what kind of dog is Puffy?

MARY (O.S.)
(CALLING out)
Toy poodle!

Ted thinks about this, shrugs, and opens the door.
BARING HIS TEETH like a Rottweiler, Puffy SPRINGS at Ted's
jugular!

INT. MARY'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Ted stumbles back into the living room with the hopped-up dog ON
HIS FACE. He KNOCKS OVER A LAMP, tumbles onto the floor, and
fights for his life.

Mary and Magda SCREAM as Ted and Puffy mix it up on the floor. Ted
tries to CRAWL TOWARD THE DOOR but Puffy GRABS THE CUFF OF HIS
PANTS.

DOOR POV of Ted's anguished face as he gets pulled back into the
room.

Ted manages to GET THE DOG IN A HEADLOCK.

MAGDA
Stop it, you're hurting him!

TED
(out of breath)
Tell him...to calm down.

Puffy gets a piece of Ted's wrist and Ted SCREAMS and drops him.
Both man and toy poodle SPRING TO THEIR FEET.

They start CIRCLING ONE ANOTHER. Puffy leaps at Ted and Ted SMACKS
HIM into a wall. Unfazed, the dog gets a running start and LEAPS
AT TED'S NECK.

Ted manages to duck and PUFFY FLIES OUT THE OPEN WINDOW!

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT MIAMI STREET - DAY

MONTAGE OF TED AND MARY FALLING IN LOVE

--Ted and Warren are at the top of a giant WATER SLIDE
Warren motions that he has decided this is not for him.
Ted shoots him a look that makes Warren feel like a
sissy. Convinced it's not too dangerous, Warren
decides to go for it and Ted follows.

--At the bottom of the slide Ted splashes into the huge
pool of water, laughing, having a blast. Then he looks

around...no sign of Warren. Concerned, Ted dives
underwater and a moment later Resurfaces clutching a
GASPING Warren.

EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY

--Mary pumps Warren's stomach as he coughs water out of
his mouth. Ted looks on sheepishly.

EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY

Ted and Warren walk down a city sidewalk. As they pass
a shop Warren points to the window excitedly.

THEIR POV

In the window there is a mannequin dressed in a Super-
hero outfit, i.e. a generic superman.

Warren then pulls Ted into the store.

CUT TO:

EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY

Ted comes out followed by a beaming Warren dressed in
the Super-Hero outfit. They continue walking again and
a few steps later Warren excitedly points to another
shop window.

THEIR POV

In the window is a mannequin dressed in a cowboy
outfit, i.e. Lone Ranger (hat, badge, holster, chaps,
vest, boots, spurs, etc.)

Again, Warren pulls Ted into the store.

CUT TO:

Genres: Romantic Comedy, Action, Comedy
Tone: Humorous, Romantic, Suspenseful

Summary Mary and Ted have a conversation on Mary's stoop. Ted expresses his feelings for Mary but decides to take a break from seeing her. Inside the apartment, Magda is cleaning and puts Puffy, the toy poodle, in the bathroom. Puffy attacks Ted when he lets him out, leading to a chaotic struggle that ends with Puffy flying out of the window.

Strengths

Humor
Romantic tension
Unexpected twists

Weaknesses

Slightly chaotic pacing
Lack of deeper character development

General Critique

The scene starts off with a conversation between Mary and Ted that lacks depth and emotional connection. The dialogue feels forced and the characters' interactions seem superficial.
The sudden shift in tone from a serious conversation to a chaotic struggle with the dog feels jarring and out of place. The transition could be smoother to maintain the coherence of the scene.
The physical altercation with the dog, while intended to add humor, comes across as unrealistic and over-the-top. It detracts from the potential emotional impact of the scene.
The montage of Ted and Mary falling in love at the end feels disconnected from the previous events and lacks context. It seems rushed and doesn't provide a meaningful resolution to the conflict introduced in the scene.
The scene lacks a clear focus and purpose, making it difficult for the audience to engage with the characters and their journey.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Focus on developing the emotional depth of the conversation between Mary and Ted to establish a stronger connection between the characters.
Consider a more gradual and organic transition from the conversation to the chaotic struggle with the dog to maintain the coherence of the scene.
Tone down the exaggerated physical altercation with the dog to make it more believable and aligned with the overall tone of the screenplay.
Integrate the montage of Ted and Mary falling in love more seamlessly into the narrative to provide a satisfying resolution to the conflict introduced in the scene.
Clarify the purpose of the scene and ensure that each element contributes to the overall story arc and character development.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY

Mary is window shopping with a few bags in hand. She
turns and reacts amused.

HER POV

Warren is now dressed in the cowboy outfit and a
humiliated Ted follows dressed in the loose fitting
Super-hero outfit.

EXT. SCENIC PIER - MIAMI - DAY

--Ted and Mary are walking arm and arm on a SCENIC PIER
where PEOPLE ARE FISHING. Right behind them are Magda
and Herb (the Homeless guy) enjoying one another's
company. Ted is on top of the world, feeling good,
looking good-right up until he gets the HOOK IN HIS
MOUTH. Suddenly he gets YANKED OUT OF FRAME.

EXT. SCENIC PIER - MIAMI - DAY

--Ted is FLOPPING AROUND on the pavement and a FISHERMAN
has his FOOT ON HIS FACE as he STRUGGLES TO REMOVE THE
HOOK. Mary looks on, concerned.

EXT. GROCERY STORE - MIAMI - DAY

--Ted and Mary come out of the grocery store each
HOLDING A COUPLE BAGS. Ted also is CARRYING PUFFY, IN A
BODYCAST. Ted PUTS PUFFY ON THE ROOF, then starts
putting the groceries in the back seat.

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY

--Mary pulls her car up in front of her apartment. AS
Ted gets out of the passenger's side, he notices that
PUFFY IS STILL ON THE ROOF. He quickly GRABS PUFFY
before Mary notices.

EXT. BATTING CAGE - MIAMI - DAY

--Warren is futilely taking swings in a BATTING CAGE
while Mary looks on helplessly. Finally Ted goes into
the cage, SIGNALS THE GUY TO STOP THE PITCHING MACHINE,
and MOVES WARREN A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE PLATE.

--A distraught Ted SITS SOMBERLY on a bench. Beside him, Mary
comforts Warren whose LEFT EYE IS BLACK AND BLUE AND COMPLETELY
CLOSED.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY

Ted shows up at Mary's apartment door carrying a BOUQUET OF
FLOWERS and a BASEBALL. When he KNOCKS, the door opens.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Ted peeks around the corner and sees a SOMBER Mary sitting on the
couch.

TED
(chipper)
Hey.

Mary doesn't look up. Ted ENTERS, revealing his gifts.

TED (cont'd)
The flowers are for you and the ball's for
Warren. I had a friend of mine Fedex it to
me--it's signed by Tony Conigliaro.

Mary finally looks up but doesn't smile.

MARY
Did you hire Pat Healy to follow me around?

Ted tries to hide his horror.
TED
(lamely)
What do you mean?

Mary picks up a letter off the coffee table and hands it to him.
Ted takes a quick look and then drops it on the table.

MARY
It's not true...right, Ted?

Ted CLEARS HIS THROAT.

TED
Well, funny story there. You see, uh, it
started out as a uh...yeah...it's true. =

Mary stands up.

MARY
Get out.

TED
Wait, hold on, Mary--it's not as bad as it
sounds. I certainly didn't know--

MARY
That you put a murderer on my trail?

TED
Well yeah, I didn't know much about him. I
just thought--

MARY
What did you think, Ted? That you could spy
on me and trick me into thinking you were
someone I could...really go for?

Mary starts to get emotional.

TED
Mary, I swear I wasn't trying to trick you.

MARY
Then what the fuck did you do it for?

TED
I did it because because I'd never
stopped thinking about you and if I didn't
find you I knew my life would never be good
again.

Mary looks away.

MARY
(softly)
Please leave.
TED
(devastated)
Mary, come on...

MARY
Go!

TED
(beat)
Okay.

And so Ted does.

CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

Ted comes out of the building, a broken man. He paces back and
forth on the sidewalk, manic with despair. Then he seems to grow
angry. He rifles through his pockets until he finds a SLIP OF
PAPER.

TED'S POV - the paper reads: 'Healy's Miami address--229 Court
Street, apt. 43.'

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

Ted walks down a rather dark hallway until he comes to apartment
43. He KNOCKS on the door but no one answers. He tries the handle
and THE DOOR OPENS.

Genres: Drama, Romance, Comedy
Tone: Emotional, Humorous, Dramatic

Summary * Mary and Ted experience various events together, including a fishing mishap, grocery shopping, and a batting cage incident. * Ted arrives at Mary's apartment with flowers and a baseball, seeking reconciliation. * Mary confronts Ted about hiring someone to follow her, expressing anger and disappointment. * Ted attempts to apologize and justify his actions, but Mary remains stern. * The conflict remains unresolved as Ted departs Mary's apartment at her request, leaving him feeling remorseful and desperate.

Strengths

Emotional depth
Character development
Tension building

Weaknesses

Some dialogue could be more impactful

General Critique

The scene lacks a clear transition between the different locations, making it feel disjointed and confusing for the audience.
The dialogue between Ted and Mary feels forced and lacks emotional depth, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters' motivations and feelings.
The revelation of Ted hiring someone to follow Mary comes across as contrived and melodramatic, undermining the authenticity of the characters' relationship.
The emotional climax of the scene, where Mary asks Ted to leave, lacks the necessary build-up and intensity to have a significant impact on the audience.
The pacing of the scene is uneven, with abrupt shifts in tone and emotion that make it challenging for the audience to fully engage with the characters' journey.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider adding more visual cues or transitions to clearly indicate the change in locations and time, helping the audience follow the story more easily.
Focus on developing the dialogue between Ted and Mary to make it more authentic and emotionally resonant, allowing the audience to empathize with their struggles and conflicts.
Revisit the revelation of Ted hiring someone to follow Mary to ensure it feels organic to the story and serves to deepen the characters' arcs rather than relying on melodrama.
Build up the emotional tension between Ted and Mary throughout the scene, leading to a more impactful climax where Mary asks Ted to leave.
Work on refining the pacing of the scene to create a more cohesive and engaging narrative flow, allowing the audience to stay invested in the characters' journey.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Ted ENTERS and immediately reacts to the STENCH.

REVERSE ANGLE reveals that the place is a fucking PIG-STY. DOG
SHIT is everywhere, FLIES fill the room, a MOUSE scampers across
the carpet.

TED
Hello...?

No answer. Suddenly he HEARS SOMEONE out in the hall, so he ducks
behind the door.

Healy and Tucker ENTER the apartment and stop in their tracks when
they see the MESS.

HEALY
Ho-ly shit.

TUCKER
Hey, this is a pretty nice place.

HEALY
Sully...! What the fuck happened here?!
Again, no answer. Suddenly Ted SLAMS THE DOOR shut and grabs Healy
by the collar.

HEALY (cont'd)
(alarmed)
Hey, hey, hey!

TED
Surprised?

TUCKER
Hey, buddy, don't do anything rash now.

TED
(to Tucker)
Who the fuck are you?

HEALY
He's in love with Mary, too.

Ted releases Healy and glares at him.

TED
You fucked me, man? Why would you do that?

HEALY
(righteous)
What do you mean 'why'?

TED
Answer the question, shitball.

TUCKER
I think everybody could use a drink.

Tucker goes into the kitchen.

HEALY
Look, you asked me to follow your girl
around, and I did and I started to like
her, and then I realized I just couldn't in
good conscience do it.

TED
(amazed)
Do what?

HEALY
Turn her over to a stalker.

TED
What?! You're calling me a stalker?

HEALY
That's right--if you weren't you would've
looked for her yourself!
Suddenly they hear a SOUND and turn to see Bill the Boa slithering
into the room with A HUGE, GREAT-DANE-SIZE LUMP in his midsection.

HEALY (cont'd)
(sickened)
Oh Christ...poor dog.

TED
You're a sick man, you know that?

HEALY
Yeah well fuck you! You just can't stand
the fact that it was my turn.

TED
Your turn?

HEALY
(getting emotional)
That's right, hot shot! My turn. What's
the matter with me, huh? Why can't I ever
get the great girl? Give the big pig with
the B.O. to Healy, right? Well I was sick
of it, man! No more--it was my turn. It was
time for me...time for me...to be happy.

This is so pathetic that it actually gets to Ted. He sits down,
runs his fingers through his hair.

TED
Well you didn't have to blow us both out of
the water. Jesus Christ, just because she
found out about you, why'd you have to take
me down with you?

HEALY
I don't know what you're talking about.

TED
I'm talking about the letter, asshole.

HEALY
What?

Ted stares at him.

TED
Are you telling me you didn't send Mary a
letter outlining our deal?

HEALY
Why the fuck would I do that? I'd be
screwing myself.

The guys stare at one another, then Tucker comes out the kitchen
with a drink. They turn their attention to him.
HEALY (cont'd)
You little fuck.

TUCKER
What?

HEALY
You fucking prick, we had a deal--you said
you wouldn't fuck me and I wouldn't fuck
you until we had this fuck out of the
fucking picture.
(moves in on Tucker)
You crossed the line, man.

Tucker backs away nervously.

TUCKER
Whoa, whoa, you're getting crazy now. Why
would I cross the line--what do you think I
got no pride?

Healy grabs Tucker by the neck.

TUCKER (cont'd)
I swear! I didn't tell her nothing! You
probably did it yourself, you piece of
shit.

HEALY
Oh that makes a lot of sense. Why would I
rat myself out?

TUCKER
Like I'm going to try to figure out a guy
who's idea of courting is blowing farts in
the chick's face

HEALY
You were following us?

TUCKER
Don't flatter yourself--I was following
her, I always do. How the hell you think
I got rid of Mary's boyfriend Steve?

This gets Ted's attention.

TED
You mean...Steve didn't say all that stuff
about Warren?

TUCKER
Are you shitting me--Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes?
He was like a fucking eagle scout. You two
should be kissing my balls--if it wasn't
for me, she might've married that schmuck!
Ted thinks about this.

TED
The hell with you both--I'm out of here.

Ted walks out the door leaving Healy and Tucker to stare each
other down. Just then Hal the Great Dane walks out of the bedroom
with a CEREAL BOX stuck on his head. Healy does a double-take,
then looks back at the snake.

HEALY
(sadly)
Oh...Sully.

TUCKER
Look, if it wasn't you who sent the letter,
and it wasn't me who sent it?

CUT TO:

Genres: Crime, Drama, Comedy
Tone: Tense, Humorous, Emotional

Summary Ted confronts Healy about a betrayal, but Healy denies it. Tucker confesses to meddling in Ted and Mary's relationship, leading to Ted's realization. Amidst the chaos, Healy and Tucker face off while a dog with a cereal box on its head emerges from the bedroom.

Strengths

Intense conflict
Emotional depth
Sharp dialogue

Weaknesses

Some confusion in the dialogue

General Critique

The scene starts with a strong visual description of Sully's apartment, setting the tone for the messy and chaotic environment. However, the transition from Ted entering the apartment to Healy and Tucker arriving feels a bit abrupt and could be smoother.
The dialogue between Ted, Healy, and Tucker is intense and reveals a lot of information about their motivations and conflicts. However, some of the dialogue exchanges feel a bit forced and could be more natural.
The emotional outbursts from Healy and Ted add depth to their characters, but the transition from anger to vulnerability could be more nuanced and gradual.
The revelation about the letter and the accusations between Healy and Tucker add an interesting twist to the scene, but the resolution feels a bit rushed and could be developed further.
The introduction of Hal the Great Dane with a cereal box on his head adds a touch of humor to the scene, but the significance of this moment could be clearer or tied back to the main storyline.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider refining the pacing of the scene to ensure a smoother transition between Ted entering the apartment and the arrival of Healy and Tucker.
Work on making the dialogue exchanges more natural and realistic, focusing on the characters' motivations and emotions.
Explore the emotional arcs of Healy and Ted in more depth, allowing for a more gradual transition between anger and vulnerability.
Develop the resolution of the conflict surrounding the letter and the accusations between Healy and Tucker to add more depth and complexity to the scene.
Clarify the significance of the moment with Hal the Great Dane to ensure it ties back to the main storyline or adds to the overall narrative.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY

CLOSE ON an alarmed Mary.

MARY
Woogie? What are what are you doing here?

REVERSE ANGLE reveals Dom sitting on her bed.

DOM
Did you get my letter, Mare? The one about
Ted?

MARY
You sent that?

DOM
Uh-huh. I was worried about you.

MARY
Well...thank you. But...you know you're not
supposed to be within four hundred yards of
me.

DOM
(excited)
That's what I want to tell ya. I've been
through two years of extensive
psychotherapy and you know what? You were
right--I needed help.

MARY
(cautious)
That's great, Woogie, I'm happy you're
better--you seem...good--but...you put me
through quite an ordeal, you know.
Dom nods aggressively.

MARY (cont'd)
I had to move, go to court, change my last
name--you stole all my shoes!

Dom stands up.

DOM
Look at me.

Mary turns her head.

DOM (cont'd)
Look at me, Mary. On my mother's soul, on
God above, on everything that is holy to
me, I did not steal your shoes.

MARY
Woogie, I caught you red-handed.

DOM
All right, I did, but I was in a weird
place then.

He approaches her.

DOM (cont'd)
Give me a break, Mare, I was nuts!

Mary backs into the living room.

CUT TO:

INT. HEALY'S CAR - DAY

Healy and Tucker are parked right out front LISTENING TO THIS
CONVERSATION. They seem concerned.

MARY (V.O.)
Woogie, please, you're starting to scare me.

HEALY
Who the hell's Woogie?

Tucker just shrugs.

BACK ON Mary and Dom. =~

MARY
I'm asking you to leave.

DOM
(gentle)
Oh, Mary, honey, you're taking this all
wrong.
(beat)
I'm not leaving...

BACK IN HEALY'S CAR

DOM (cont'd) (V.O.)
...Not until I get a little something to
remember you by.

MARY (V. O . )
(clearly struggling)
Stop that! No! Somebody help me!!!!!

Healy and Tucker jump out of the car and RUN INTO THE BUILDING.

CUT TO:

Genres: Comedy, Romance, Thriller
Tone: Suspenseful, Humorous, Dramatic

Summary Dom unexpectedly visits Mary's apartment, claiming to have changed after therapy. However, Mary remains skeptical. Dom pleads his innocence regarding stolen shoes, but Mary asks him to leave. When Dom refuses, Healy and Tucker intervene, creating tension and uncertainty about the outcome.

Strengths

Sharp dialogue
Engaging character dynamics
Blend of genres and tones

Weaknesses

Some elements may feel contrived or exaggerated

General Critique

The scene lacks clarity in terms of the characters' motivations and actions, making it confusing for the audience to follow.
The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, especially the interactions between Dom and Mary, leading to a lack of emotional depth in the scene.
The transition between Mary's cautiousness towards Dom and his sudden aggressive behavior is abrupt and doesn't feel organic.
The introduction of Healy and Tucker listening to the conversation adds an unnecessary layer of complexity without adding much to the scene.
The escalation of tension and conflict between Dom and Mary feels contrived and doesn't resonate with the audience.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Clarify the characters' motivations and actions to make the scene more coherent and engaging.
Work on making the dialogue more authentic and reflective of the characters' emotions and intentions.
Smooth out the transition between Mary's initial caution towards Dom and his sudden change in behavior to make it more believable.
Consider simplifying the scene by removing the unnecessary element of Healy and Tucker listening in on the conversation.
Focus on building a more organic and believable escalation of tension between Dom and Mary to create a more impactful and engaging scene.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY

Healy and Tucker STORM INTO THE ROOM and freeze at what they see.

THEIR POV - Dom is cradling SEVERAL PAIRS OF SHOES in his arms
and trying to crawl to the door while Mary holds him back.

MARY
Stop it!

DOM
Just one pair! You owe me that much, you
heartless bitch!

Healy and Tucker grab Dom and throw him down on the couch.

HEALY
Dom, you're pathetic, fucking over your
friend Ted like that.

DOM
What? You fucked him over, too.

HEALY
He's no friend of mine.

Suddenly Magda ENTERS from her bedroom. She's holding a half-eaten
BANANA SPLIT. Herb, the Homeless Man, follows after her, sporting
a Tom Jones and buttoning up his shirt.

MAGDA
What the hell's going on here?

At first no one knows what to say. Then:

HEALY
We're in love with your roommate.

MAGDA
Aw, Christ, I can't take it anymore. I'm
gonna pack my bags and go back to my own
place.

Magda heads back into her bedroom and Herb follows.

MARY
Tucker, where are your crutches?

Tucker is stumped for a second, then:

TUCKER
(British accent)
Interesting query, Mary...

Healy slaps Tucker in the back of the head.

HEALY
Shut the fuck up and tell her the truth.

Before he can respond, Ted ENTERS.

TUCKER
Well isn't this nice--now we've got the
whole gang together.

Ted can hardly believe Dom is there.

TED
Dom? What are you?

DOM
You stole her from me. Now I want her back.

MARY
(rolling eyes)
Woogie and I went out for awhile in high
school.

TED
(stunned)
You're Woogie?

DOM
Dom Wooganowski. Duh.

TED
But but you're married. You have kids a
great wife.

DOM
If you're so happy with them, please, be my
guest.

HEALY
If I may I have a proposal.

Everyone turns to Healy.
HEALY (cont'd)
I say none of us leave this room until our
young Mary here stops jerking us around and
decides once and for all who she wants. Now
Mary, I know this is difficult but you
really will be doing them all a favor to
tell them the truth about us.

MARY
Are you crazy? Why would I pick you? You're
a murderer.

Healy glares at Tucker.

TUCKER
Uh, well...not exactly. You see, I
exaggerated a little there.

MARY
You mean he's not a criminal?

HEALY
God no!
(pleased)
I'm just a pathological liar!

Mary looks at Tucker, confused.

MARY
Tucker...not you, too?

Tucker lowers his head and reluctantly nods.

TUCKER
Name's Norm. I live up in Pompano with my
folks.

MARY
Oh Jesus...

Just then the door opens and BRETT FAVRE, the Packers quarterback
ENTERS, with Warren (wearing a walkman) beside him. Everyone is
stunned.

MARY (cont'd)
Brett...?

BRETT FAVRE
Hi, Mary.

HEALY
What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?

BRETT FAVRE
We're in town to play the Dolphins.

TED
I called him. I told him to pick up Warren
and get over here.

everyone turns their attention to Ted.

TED (cont'd)
Mary, I found out that your buddy Tucker
there lied to you about Brett.

Tucker lowers his head.

TED (cont'd)
Brett never said anything bad about Warren.
He loves Warren...and from what he just
told me on the phone, he loves you, too.
(beat)
He's the guy you should be with.

BRETT FAVRE
That's right, Mare. And you know I'll
always be true to you.

DOM
Aw shit, this isn't fair.

Mary manages a smile.

TED
(to Mary)
I realized something tonight. I'm no better
than any of these guys. None of them really
love you...they just fixated on you because
of how you made them feel. But that's not
real love...Thank you for letting me see
that. Now I can get on with the rest of my
life.

Tucker, Healy, and Dom scoff.

TUCKER
Oh please...

DOM
Don't listen to him, Mary. It's a ploy.

HEALY
You are so full of shit, Strohman. Are you
going to stand here and tell us that you
aren't in love with this girl?

Ted looks into Mary's eyes. She looks vulnerable.

TED
Yeah...that's what I'm telling you.
(winks)
See you, Mare.
Ted looks Mary in the eye, then starts for the door.

TED (cont'd)
(as he passes Warren)
See you, Warren.

WARREN
Huh...?

Ted lifts the earphones off Warren's ear.

TED
See you, Warren.

WARREN
Bye, Ted.

Ted then WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM. They all stand there in silence
for a moment, then Dom turns to Brett Favre.

DOM
Hey, Brett, any chance I can get you to
autograph one of these pumps for me?

CUT TO:

Genres: Comedy, Romance, Drama
Tone: Humorous, Dramatic, Sarcastic

Summary This scene features a character returning a JSON response with the keys 'title' and 'summary'.

Strengths

Engaging dialogue
Surprising twists
Well-developed characters

Weaknesses

Some elements may be too far-fetched for some audiences

General Critique

The scene feels chaotic and disjointed with too many characters and subplots converging at once.
The dialogue is unrealistic and lacks depth, with characters making sudden and unexplained decisions.
The introduction of Brett Favre feels forced and out of place, adding unnecessary confusion to an already cluttered scene.
The resolution of Ted's character arc feels rushed and lacks emotional impact, making his departure from the scene feel abrupt.
The tone shifts erratically between humor, tension, and sentimentality, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Streamline the scene by focusing on the core conflict between Mary, Ted, Healy, and Tucker, while reducing the number of unnecessary characters and subplots.
Develop the dialogue to be more authentic and meaningful, allowing the characters to express their emotions and motivations clearly.
Consider removing the cameo appearance of Brett Favre to maintain the focus on the main characters and their relationships.
Provide a more gradual and satisfying resolution to Ted's character arc, allowing for a more impactful departure from the scene.
Maintain a consistent tone throughout the scene to ensure that the audience can fully engage with the emotional journey of the characters.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY

Ted is walking down the street BLUBBERING LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL.
Everyone he passes stares at him. Suddenly Mary comes running down
the OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET.

MARY
Ted!

Ted stops and looks across the street at her. He wipes his eyes,
hopeful.

TED
What what are you doing here?

MARY
You forgot your keys!

She holds up a RABBIT FOOT KEY-CHAIN.

TED
(deflated)
Oh. Thanks.

They remain across the street from one another.

MARY
Did you mean what you said back there, Ted?

Ted starts to well up again.
MARY (cont'd)
Ted...?

TED
(looking down)
I...I just want you to be happy, Mary.

MARY
But I think I'd be happiest...with you.

Ted just stares at her.

TED
You're fucking with me, right?

Mary smiles.

TED (cont'd)
(wiping eyes)
But but what about Steve?

MARY
Oh yeah, that'd make golf real fun--the guy
doesn't even drink beer or gamble.

Now Ted smiles.

MARY (cont'd)
Get over here.

TED
Really?

MARY
Really.

The BEAMING Ted starts walking across the street. Suddenly a BUS
WHIZZES BY AND SMACKS TED BROADSIDE. He bounces around under the
bus like a rag doll, then finally squirts out the back end and
TUMBLES TO A LIMP STOP.

Mary SCREAMS and runs toward the body as a CROWD begins to gather.

MARY
Ted, no, no....!

She starts giving him CPR. Somebody covers him with a blanket.

Just then, another CAR WHIZZES OVER HIS FEET like speedbumps. The
crowd winces.

MARY (cont'd)
Somebody hold up traffic!
(beat)
Come on, Ted. Come on. Tell me you're going
to be okay.
Then Ted takes a deep breath and his eyes flutter open.

TED
Mary....Oh Mary, I love you.

Mary's smile is as bright as the light from heaven.

MARY
I love you too, Ted.
(beat)
I think I always have.

As the two lovebirds kiss, a LADY CALLS OUT:

LADY
Over here! I found his foot! It was in the
storm drain!

ON THE LADY as she holds up a SEVERED FOOT in a cloth.

MARY
All right, everyone, let's fan out and look
for the penis!

As Ted REACTS to this, we pull UP, UP, UP, and

FADE OUT.

THE END

Genres: Romantic Comedy, Dark Comedy, Thriller
Tone: Romantic, Dark, Comedic

Summary Ted and Mary have a heartfelt conversation on a Miami street, expressing their feelings for each other. Ted is hit by a bus and a car, but miraculously survives. Mary professes her love for Ted, and they share a kiss. The emotional tone of the scene is a mix of drama, romance, and humor, with key dialogue including Mary expressing her love for Ted and Ted questioning if she is serious. The scene ends with Ted waking up, professing his love for Mary, and the two sharing a kiss.

Strengths

Unique genre blend
Engaging plot twists
Well-developed characters

Weaknesses

Sudden and extreme physical comedy

General Critique

The scene starts off with Ted blubbering like a schoolgirl, which may come off as a bit exaggerated and melodramatic.
The sudden appearance of Mary running down the street to return Ted's keys feels a bit contrived and lacks a natural flow.
The dialogue between Ted and Mary, while emotional, could use more depth and authenticity to truly convey the characters' feelings.
The accident involving the bus hitting Ted and the subsequent CPR scene feels out of place and shifts the tone of the scene abruptly.
The discovery of the severed foot and the mention of looking for the penis at the end adds a bizarre and unnecessary comedic element that detracts from the emotional moment between Ted and Mary.

Expert Critiques

Critique by Unknown Expert

General Suggestions

Consider toning down Ted's emotional reaction at the beginning to make it more realistic and relatable.
Find a more organic way for Mary to return Ted's keys that doesn't feel forced or coincidental.
Focus on developing the dialogue between Ted and Mary to make their confession of love more heartfelt and genuine.
Reconsider the accident and CPR scene to maintain the emotional tone of the scene without introducing jarring elements.
Avoid adding unnecessary and inappropriate comedic elements like the discovery of the severed foot and the mention of looking for the penis, as they detract from the sincerity of the moment.

Expert Suggestions

Suggestion by Unknown Expert

There's something about Mary

Overview

Unique Selling Point

AI Verdict & Suggestions

Story Facts

Script Level Analysis

Screenplay Insights

Story Critique

Characters

Emotional Analysis

Goals and Philosophical Conflict

Themes

Logic & Inconsistencies

Scene Analysis

Scene Level Percentiles

Other Analyses

Unique Voice

Writer's Craft

Memorable Lines

Tropes

World Building

Correlations

Loglines

Unique Voice

Writer's Craft

Memorable Lines

Tropes

World Building

Correlations

Loglines

Engine: Gemini

Consider

Executive Summary

Engine: Claude

Consider

Executive Summary

Engine: GPT4

Consider

Executive Summary

Screenplay Insights:

Screenplay Story Analysis

Mary - Score: 82/100

Role

Personality

Scenes

Character Analysis Overview

Foundational Definition 8/10

Complexity And Depth 7/10

Arc Or Purposeful Stasis 8/10

Dialogue And Voice 8/10

Behavior And Choices 9/10

Relationship Dynamics 8/10

Scene Impact 8/10

Role Fulfillment 9/10

Thematic Plot Integration 9/10

Emotional Resonance 8/10

Score: 8

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 7

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 8

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 8

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 9

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 8

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 8

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions

Score: 9

Suggestions

Follow-up Questions