shmooby and the pharoah

When a Brooklyn-accented God dials up an exhausted shepherd, the resulting misadventures — from flaming pay phones and giant frogs to neon signs in the desert — force Moses to choose between a private life and a public calling, with heartbreaking consequences.

See other logline suggestions

Overview

Poster
Unique Selling Point

A completely unique comedic retelling of Exodus that blends ancient biblical epic with 1950s Jewish-American culture, creating a fresh, anachronistic humor style that's both reverent and irreverent. The script's greatest strength is its ability to humanize mythic figures through contemporary vernacular and relationships, making the familiar story feel surprisingly fresh and emotionally resonant.

AI Verdict & Suggestions

Ratings are subjective. So you get different engines' ratings to compare.

Hover over verdict cards for Executive Summaries

GPT5
 Recommend
Grok
 Highly Recommend
Gemini
 Highly Recommend
Claude
 Recommend
DeepSeek
 Consider
Average Score: 8.3
Key Takeaways
For the Writer:
To improve the script from a creative and craft perspective, focus on tightening the pacing in the repetitive plague sequences to maintain momentum and audience engagement, while smoothing out abrupt tonal shifts between comedy and drama to ensure emotional consistency. Additionally, develop secondary characters like Aaron and Joshua with clearer arcs and motivations to add depth and make their roles more integral to the story. These refinements will enhance the script's overall flow, emotional resonance, and narrative cohesion, leveraging its strong comedic voice and character relationships.
For Executives:
The script has solid commercial value with its fresh, anachronistic humor and broad appeal to comedy-drama and faith-based audiences, offering marketable set pieces like the giant frog and parting sea that could attract talent and buzz. However, risks include inconsistent tone that may alienate viewers by jarring between laughs and tragedy, and pacing issues in the mid-act that could lead to disengagement, potentially limiting its box office potential in a crowded genre without significant revisions to streamline and focus the narrative.
Story Facts
Genres:
Comedy 60% Drama 40% Fantasy 30% Action 20% War 10%

Setting: Around 1800 BCE, The Land of Midian and ancient Egypt

Themes: Divine Will vs. Human Fallibility, The Burden of Leadership and Responsibility, Faith vs. Doubt, Humor and Anachronism as Commentary, Friendship, Family, and Connection, Consequences of Pride and Stubbornness, Redemption and Forgiveness

Conflict & Stakes: Moses' struggle to fulfill his divine mission to free the Hebrews while facing Rameses' stubbornness and the people's doubts, with the fate of the Hebrew people at stake.

Mood: Humorous and satirical, with moments of seriousness and emotional depth.

Standout Features:

  • Unique Hook: The comedic anachronisms, such as a rotary phone and modern food items in a biblical setting.
  • Major Twist: Moses' internal conflict and humorous interactions with God, particularly through a trash can and a pay phone.
  • Distinctive Setting: The juxtaposition of ancient Egypt with modern comedic elements, creating a unique visual and narrative style.
  • Innovative Ideas: The use of humor to address serious themes, making the story accessible and engaging for a wider audience.
  • Genre Blend: A mix of comedy, drama, and historical narrative that appeals to various audience segments.

Comparable Scripts: The Prince of Egypt, Monty Python's Life of Brian, The Ten Commandments, Godspell, The Book of Mormon, The Odyssey, The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, The Good Place, The Lion King

Data Says…
Feature in Alpha - Could have inaccuracies

Our stats model looked at how your scores work together and ranked the changes most likely to move your overall rating next draft. Ordered by the most reliable gains first.

1. Theme (Script Level)
Big Impact Script Level
Your current Theme (Script Level) score: 8.0
Typical rewrite gain: +0.45 in Theme (Script Level)
Gets you ~9% closer to an "all Highly Recommends" score
Confidence: High (based on ~3,490 similar revisions)
  • This is currently your highest-impact lever. Improving Theme (Script Level) is most likely to move the overall rating next.
  • What writers at your level usually do: Writers at a similar level usually raise Theme (Script Level) by about +0.45 in one rewrite.
  • Why it matters: At your level, improving this one area alone can cover a meaningful slice of the climb toward an "all Highly Recommends" script.
2. Concept
Moderate Impact Scene Level
Your current Concept score: 8.6
Typical rewrite gain: +0.29 in Concept
Gets you ~5% closer to an "all Highly Recommends" score
Confidence: High (based on ~1,412 similar revisions)
  • This is another meaningful lever. After you work on the higher-impact areas, this can still create a noticeable lift.
  • What writers at your level usually do: Writers at a similar level usually raise Concept by about +0.29 in one rewrite.
  • Why it matters: After you address the top item, gains here are still one of the levers that move you toward that "all Highly Recommends" zone.
3. Scene Structure
Light Impact Scene Level
Your current Scene Structure score: 8.4
Typical rewrite gain: +0.15 in Scene Structure
Gets you ~1% closer to an "all Highly Recommends" score
Confidence: High (based on ~2,753 similar revisions)
  • This is another meaningful lever. After you work on the higher-impact areas, this can still create a noticeable lift.
  • What writers at your level usually do: Writers at a similar level usually raise Scene Structure by about +0.15 in one rewrite.
  • Why it matters: After you address the top item, gains here are still one of the levers that move you toward that "all Highly Recommends" zone.

Script Level Analysis

Writer Exec

This section delivers a top-level assessment of the screenplay’s strengths and weaknesses — covering overall quality (P/C/R/HR), character development, emotional impact, thematic depth, narrative inconsistencies, and the story’s core philosophical conflict. It helps identify what’s resonating, what needs refinement, and how the script aligns with professional standards.

Screenplay Insights

Breaks down your script along various categories.

Overall Score: 8.04
Key Suggestions:
To improve the script from a creative and craft perspective, focus on refining pacing by condensing overly long, dialogue-heavy scenes to heighten emotional impact and maintain audience engagement. Additionally, deepen the development of secondary characters like Dathan and Aaron by adding backstory and internal conflicts, which will enhance character relatability and enrich the overall narrative depth, ensuring that humor and serious themes are more seamlessly integrated.
Story Critique

Big-picture feedback on the story’s clarity, stakes, cohesion, and engagement.

Key Suggestions:
From a creative and craft perspective, the script's humorous retelling of Moses's story is engaging, but improvements should focus on refining pacing to eliminate redundancies and better balance comedic elements with emotional depth. By tightening scenes and emphasizing key character moments, such as Moses's internal conflicts, the narrative can achieve greater impact and resonance, ensuring that the anachronistic humor enhances rather than overshadows the themes of leadership and sacrifice.
Characters

Explores the depth, clarity, and arc of the main and supporting characters.

Key Suggestions:
The character analysis highlights that while the script effectively blends humor and biblical epic elements, enhancing character depth and arcs would significantly improve its craft. Focusing on exploring internal conflicts, backstories, and emotional vulnerabilities—such as Moses's guilt and Rameses's pride—through techniques like flashbacks and nuanced dialogue can create more relatable, multifaceted characters. This would strengthen the narrative's emotional resonance, making the story more engaging and allowing the humor to land better by grounding it in authentic human struggles.
Emotional Analysis

Breaks down the emotional journey of the audience across the script.

Key Suggestions:
To elevate the script's emotional craft, incorporate greater variety and contrast in emotions to avoid monotony, ensure balanced intensity with recovery moments to prevent audience fatigue, and deepen character empathy by adding sub-emotional layers and proactive motivations. This will create a more nuanced, engaging narrative that resonates deeply with viewers, enhancing the blend of humor and drama while strengthening key scenes like the plagues and Red Sea crossing for maximum impact.
Goals and Philosophical Conflict

Evaluates character motivations, obstacles, and sources of tension throughout the plot.

Key Suggestions:
The script's character-driven narrative, centered on Moses's internal and external goals, provides a solid foundation for a comedic retelling of a biblical epic. To enhance creative depth, focus on amplifying the philosophical conflicts—such as faith versus doubt and obedience versus individual will—through more nuanced emotional moments and dialogue, ensuring that the anachronistic humor complements rather than dilutes the thematic gravity, thereby strengthening audience engagement and character relatability.
Themes

Analysis of the themes of the screenplay and how well they’re expressed.

Key Suggestions:
From a creative perspective, the script's strength lies in its humorous anachronisms that make biblical themes relatable, but to improve craft, focus on deepening emotional moments, such as the friendship between Moses and Rameses or family dynamics, to balance comedy with heartfelt drama. This will enhance character development and ensure the primary theme of divine will versus human fallibility resonates more profoundly, avoiding any risk of the humor overshadowing the narrative's emotional core.
Logic & Inconsistencies

Highlights any contradictions, plot holes, or logic gaps that may confuse viewers.

Key Suggestions:
The script's inconsistencies, such as abrupt character shifts and repetitive elements, undermine its comedic and emotional potential. To improve, focus on refining character arcs for smoother development—like ensuring Moses's transition to acceptance feels earned—and streamline redundancies by consolidating repeated scenes and dialogue, which will enhance narrative flow, reduce length, and maintain the script's humorous tone while boosting authenticity and engagement from a craft perspective.

Scene Analysis

All of your scenes analyzed individually and compared, so you can zero in on what to improve.

Scene-Level Percentile Chart
Hover over the graph to see more details about each score.
Go to Scene Analysis

Other Analyses

Writer Exec

This section looks at the extra spark — your story’s voice, style, world, and the moments that really stick. These insights might not change the bones of the script, but they can make it more original, more immersive, and way more memorable. It’s where things get fun, weird, and wonderfully you.

Unique Voice

Assesses the distinctiveness and personality of the writer's voice.

Key Suggestions:
The script's voice is a strength, with its witty anachronisms and irreverent humor effectively humanizing biblical characters, but to improve, focus on tightening the balance between comedy and emotional depth. Ensure that anachronistic elements enhance character development and thematic resonance without overshadowing key dramatic moments, such as Moses' internal conflicts, to create a more cohesive narrative that resonates on multiple levels and avoids potential tonal whiplash.
Writer's Craft

Analyzes the writing to help the writer be aware of their skill and improve.

Key Suggestions:
To refine your screenplay's creative craft, focus on streamlining pacing by cutting redundant dialogue and tightening scene transitions to maintain momentum, while enhancing character depth through subtle backstory integration. This will amplify the humor-drama blend and ensure emotional beats land more effectively, elevating the overall narrative engagement.
Memorable Lines
Spotlights standout dialogue lines with emotional or thematic power.
Tropes
Highlights common or genre-specific tropes found in the script.
World Building

Evaluates the depth, consistency, and immersion of the story's world.

Key Suggestions:
The script's world-building effectively uses anachronisms to infuse humor and satire into the biblical narrative, making it engaging and relatable. To improve creatively, focus on refining the integration of these elements to ensure they enhance character arcs and thematic depth without overshadowing the emotional core, such as by tightening surreal moments to maintain pacing and avoid potential audience confusion, ultimately strengthening the script's balance between comedy and drama.
Correlations

Identifies patterns in scene scores.

Key Suggestions:
As a writer, leverage your strength in humorous and sarcastic dialogue to engage audiences, but balance it with deeper emotional layers by reducing comedic elements in pivotal scenes. Focus on integrating more conflict into introspective moments to enhance pacing and character development, ensuring that the script's length doesn't dilute its emotional core or repetitive humor, ultimately creating a more cohesive and impactful narrative.
Loglines
Presents logline variations based on theme, genre, and hook.